A while back I wrote about how we validate ourselves with our self-fulfilling prophecies by carrying negative beliefs about love, relationships, and ourselves that are reflected in how we act and in the relationships we engage in.
“Seeking validation in relationships is when you look to get confirmation that something is true. This cuts both ways so while you may spend a disproportionate amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the ‘one’ etc, you may also be someone who spends an equally disproportionate amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
A belief is something that you believe to be true. Often though, we have beliefs that we treat like they’re true but in the wider sense, they’re not actually true.
If you want to bring about real change and make the connections between what you think and your actions and what results from them so that you can be happy with boundaries and values in your life whether you’re in or out of a relationship, you need to examine what your beliefs are.
I’m currently finishing up what I hope will be an exciting and enlightening workbook on helping you figure out what these are, and why. In talking to people about their beliefs, I find that while some people do know what they believe, most of us are actually working to a quiet agenda that we’re not consciously aware of and it takes a bit of prodding and pushing to get to the heart of what is really going on.
Many of us are going through life unconscious of what we believe and why, and we’re not challenging these beliefs to see if they’re valid – we’re assuming that if we’re being dealt crappy cards by life then what we believe is true, even though we’re actually behaving in line with what we believe, inadvertently helping ourselves to keep believing.
Until something bad happens or we get sick of the merry-go-round, we don’t look too closely at what we believe to see how it is affecting us. We also don’t ask ourselves if what we believe is actually true – we don’t attempt to refute our own claims and ideas. If we examined what we believed, we’d start to have doubts, not least because if you have a number of negative beliefs, it can become pretty evident that you won’t be going anywhere fast holding onto them.
But why do we keep on holding on to negative beliefs even when we know they’re negative? It’s the fear of getting out of our uncomfortable comfort zone and going into unknown territory where we have to trust something different than what we’ve believed in. That, and we tend to expect outside influences to do the job of changing our view.
I have often warned of the perils of engaging in relationship insanity – this is carrying the same beliefs, baggage and attitudes, choosing same people different package, and then expecting different results and wondering why it didn’t work out, and then lather, rinse, repeat.
You engage in the relationship insanity because you have a sticking point. That sticking point is not only where you are conflicted, but I’ve also realised while looking closely at my own beliefs and those of readers and clients that there is one particular thing that beliefs do:
We use our beliefs to determine what we think our capabilities are in that context. When they’re negative beliefs, the underlying belief is that we’re not capable of being or doing whatever it is that’s tied to the belief.
So for example: I don’t believe that relationships work out can equal I don’t believe that I am capable of having a relationship that can work out, which can stem from My own parents were not capable of having a healthy relationship and I don’t believe that I am capable can lead into My father left us so there must have been something wrong with me if he didn’t stay >can lead to Men are unreliable and leave can lead to I am afraid of being left and afraid of relying on somebody can stem from He didn’t love us enough to stay can lead to I’m not loveable enough can lead to I don’t think I’m worthy of a healthy relationship and can keep leading and leading till you get back to square one which is relationships don’t work.
Everything we tell ourselves confirms a few core beliefs that we hold. I used to believe that I was unlovable and it permeated its way (unknowingly) into lots of other beliefs because as a result of feeling unlovable, while I went out looking for love in all the wrong places and from the wrong sources, when I had a relationship, even if it was crap, I even felt unworthy of their screwed up ‘love’.
If you have a negative belief, you don’t have confidence in your capabilities.
It means you may overestimate your capabilities – for example, you’ll think that if you love enough, all problems can be solved.
It also means you may at the same time, underrate your capabilities and undermine your own efforts – for example, you’ll think that you’re only capable of having a relationship if you have little or no boundaries because if you do have them it will scare them away because you don’t think you’re worthy of a relationship with mutual love, care, trust, and respect, and after all, if you love enough and you’re loved, love can overcome the lack of boundaries. And round and round you go.
When you don’t address your beliefs it’s a bit like you giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other and you end up stuck.
What are you stuck on? What’s a message that you keep hearing in the back of your mind? What are you telling yourself because these are your ‘sticking points’ – you’re sticking with what you think you know about yourself instead of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and really discovering your capabilities and living with values.
Think about what you believe because you will limit yourself and end up in limited relationships with limited people experiencing limited contribution and only operating within these limits and overall creating a limited experience that you’ve ring fenced around you.
Look out for more posts on beliefs and how to get your workbook.
Your thoughts? Do you know what your beliefs are? Do you recognise the impact of your beliefs on your relationships and sense of self?
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My sticking point was that I was not attractive enought to land a good decent human being. Some one that would have the same mutual love and respect for me, some one with ambition, wanted the same things in life as me (kids, nice home etc..) They were all out of my league so to speak. The deeper I became involved with my eum, that morphed into thinking I could only have a relationship with little or no boundries. That he would leave if I pressed to much on all things that were important to me. I buried them and thought that I could love everything bad away. I’ve always felt not attractive enough. It’s only very recently that I’ve begun to analize myself in this manner to see where everything is stemming from. I think believing I could only land a “loser” to fix led me to this particular relationship. I seem to have to fix people too. I think maybe my older female (very traditional female roles) had a little to do with that. You know that whole you have to keep your man happy no matter what thing. It’s all tied to my lack of self esteem. I know I have to keep looking b/c I don’t want a repeat of this.
You and I are in the same boat-lack of self-esteem. And the fact that I always want to please people because if I don’t, I’ll lose everything.
Yes I am a big people pleaser too. Or I was. I’ve been trying to not to do that so much. I’ve been saying to myself that the world wont end if I don’t make everyone happy. It kept me from really looking at my own feelings, which were scary and hard to take. Truly looking at myself has been awakening to say the least. I’ve never concentratred on myself and making me happy. I do know where some of my behavior comes from (family drama) but I need to learn how to stop the negative stuff. This is my goal for myself.
Ah, J. Christina “I know I have to keep looking” could come from another belief, the older traditional female belief that says “I’m incomplete without a man.” So how about if you sacrificed that belief in favor of “I’m fine as I am on my own.” I’d sure be willing to believe that about you, and all of the rest of us.
This is me. I just never felt pretty enough (still don’t) to attract a decent man. I tend to overcompensate in other areas (talent, education, ambition, etc.) to make up for the fact that I just don’t feel pretty enough. So I go for all these fixer-uppers with disturbing issues hoping that I can craft a man who will love, accept, and want to be with me. So if a guy does finally show interest in me, I just take what I can get regardless of the deeper issues because I’m not sure I’ll ever get that chance again.
OH and a need for validation! I was not very important unless he recognized me as being the best girlfriend/lover/friend/companion etc, which of course he never did and my self esteem plummeted even more. I kept thinking what I was doing wasn’t good enough. I must have been doing something wrong this whole time.
Another great post. I look forward to your workbook because this is an area I am having real trouble with. I have identified some of my beliefs – the need for validation, EUM replicating the relationship with my father, that I am unworthy of a good relationship and needed to take what was offered. I get that that is the first step. However, I seem to have hit a bit of a wall, in that just recognizing them isn’t enough. I need to start changing them and that is what I am having trouble with. Change is scary and addressing core beliefs is terrifying. It has been hard to deal with all the negative chatter that has been going on in my head all these years. I am glad I am waking up to it, beginning to fight it and develop healthy thoughts and patterns. It does take pain and upheaval to prompt self-examination and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You talked before about wake up relationships -epiphanies – and that is often the catalyst. The real challenge is not to just start to feel a little better then rush out and repeat the cycle again. NCR helps, as does taking a break from dating and relationships to really work on yourself. I don’t see any other way to do it I followed the advice of a previous post and wrote down 70 comments and beliefs I had about relationships and myself and they shocked me. I had no idea there was so much negative nonsense or filters on my thinking. I am not sure where some of them came from – is it really important to know that or is it enough just to recognize them?
I too am really looking forward to your workbook. Dee, you just said exactly what I am having trouble with now, which is the part about changing your beliefs…I don’t know where to start after identifying them. It’s like I need hard evidence to negate those beliefs, especially the one “relationships don’t work”. I do know where it stems from with my parents and what happened in my family. And because I never witnessed a healthy relationship in my family or friends, it’s like, OK, maybe I see a couple married 50 years, but inside I am thinking to myself, somehow, the woman is not truly happy. Because my belief is so ingrained that women usually get the shaft in the relationship (the man is dishonest or cheating or doesn’t really want to be with her), that I infer this belief to all other relationships. I guess I just need to have faith that it’s not true.
I also had not witnessed a happy relationship until the last couple years. I now know several actually happy married couples. One is my best friend and i KNOW she is happy and in love, 8 years into it , with a kid to boot. And her husband treats her VERY well.
As for seeing results, or proof…once you decide to change your belief, just keep repeating it to yourself and look for evidence. It takes time for the space/time continuum to bring you the FEEDBACK from your new belief. For a little while you might still get the residual FEEDBACK from your old beliefs and often we can become stuck THERE , like “LOOK! SEE?! I changed my belief and STILL I got the sh*t end of the stick!” but if you can blow that reaction off and keep on going, soon enough your new vibration will attract in positive feedback. PROOF. then your new belief will be made stronger and you’ll attract MORE positive results. It’s just realizing The Universe provides feedback to what you send out. it’s JUST FEEDBACK. it’s not FACT.
Hi Dee,
I would like to share with you my experience in this… Yes, it is important to know your beliefs and recognize them… But, you don’t have to go and find all out “how” or “why” or “when” they sneak into your brain…
Simply by recognizing them, we have already taken up great responsibility for our past creation and build up enormous positive ability to create a much different and better situation for ourselves.
The next step I would suggest is planting a new belief system based on what you really want… Because the past is the past, what you have is only this moment to work on to bring out the loving results in the future… 🙂
Had to think about this for a while after I read it. Don’t think I’m capable of being loved and I also doubt my capabilities to love as I’m scared of being hurt. If I love someone with all my heart they’ll hurt me. I’ve been avoiding risking myself by staying with safe bets so of course I’ve been hurt a hell of a lot as a result.
I believed that I wasn’t enough. I also believed that I was not valuable. I did not think that what i had to offer some one was valuable or worthy. I just thought it was ordinary, avearge…like me. It took me a long time to realize that because I belived that I wasn’t enough I generally picked men who felt the same way about me, I was good enough for an ego stroke and a quick, easy lay, but not good enough for a real commitment or a relationship. But it wasn’t the man’s fault so much as it was mine. because I believed that I wasn’t good enough so the men I chose fulfilled that belief, they became the living breathing embodiment of those beliefs. I had to get at the root of those beliefs and literally tell myself everyday that “I am enough and I am very valuable to me.” So far it has been working.
These thoughts are part of the basic premise of the best healer I have in my life, who happens to be an acupuncturist. Whenever I tell him some limiting belief of mine ( usually, as it relates to really dealing with whatever health issue brought me to the office) he usually just tells me that my limiting belief is just a “story” I am telling myself.
Of course, he means I can rewrite that limiting belief story anytime I want. But, its not so easy to just start writing. What I have been doing is taking a hard look at what really means a lot to me, and looking hard at the things that I have always wanted to do but never done. I am at the point of finally doing some of them.
And I think YMMV, as it should. This is all a process of self discovery and part of the way those of us on this list get there is by getting away from trying to work on relationships with men who do not love us.
In some odd way the EUM/AC was a gift. But, one of those was enough for me for a lifetime !
These negative beliefs are also held by our dearest EUMs. Check it out, we “have so much in common” ’cause we both believe that relationships don’t work out! What a perfect match for misery!
Oh, Regina. That is the smartest thing I have read all day – besides, Natalie’s article, of course.
*off to ponder*
Of course! Very interesting point Regina.
Yet again Natalie, this is a really timely article for me and I am looking forward to the workbook. I am so confident on the outside that neither my friends nor I would ever have credited me with having such low self esteem. It was only after EUM No. 4 that I found this site and realised how much of it resonated with me. Six months on, I’m still climbing that hill and have my first counselling session tomorrow.
This area – knowing my beliefs and values and having the esteem to stand by them when I meet someone new – is the one I’ve really struggled with. I was like a closed book when I met someone recently because I was so terrified to reveal anything about myself in case it scared him off 🙁 Needless to say, I put him off with my lack of openness anyway.
This is going to be the hardest lesson and the biggest hurdle for me to overcome. There are so many frightening thoughts running through my head when I think about opening up to a new man, all revolving around who I think I should be in order to attract him and ‘make it work’.
I’ve retreated from dating again as I’m just not ready, but I am hopeful that between Natalie’s sage advice and my counsellor, I will get there!
I loved this post and all the thoughtful, honest comments from the readers. I struggle with this so much. I don’t know why I think so badly about myself, care or respect myself so little but it does become clearest in how we attract and stay in dysfunctional relationships. I want to break the cycle. I want and deserve something better in my life. This post has helped – I need to start identifying the actual messages I am telling myself. I have always believed I wanted a committed relationship, yet i realized after reading the post that I have no idea what that means or what it looks like. My mother was miserable her whole married life and I suspect that may be what I have come to believe is “committed” – you are unhappy and in pain but you stay. That isn’t love, it isn’t healthy and its not what I want. Thank you Natalie – you may not have a degree or be a doctor but you understand this stuff like no one else I have ever met and are able to communicate so beautifully.
I’m a very confident, outgoing person and for a long time I didn’t think I had underlying negative beliefs about myself. In my case it took professional help to see that when things went wrong in a relationship I believed it was my job to fix it. I would keep trying and trying and unconsciously blamed myself when it still didn’t work. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just give up and walk away. It took a professional to help me reflect on my relationship with my father and the earliest men in my life to see that this was a pattern of ‘self blame’ that had repeated all through my life. My very early relationships were not bad at all but not as good as they might have been but perhaps, more damaging, somewhere along the line, I’d taken on the belief that I alone was the one who was at fault. Now I recognise that I do have negative beliefs – I don’t apportion blame rationally and blame myself when I’m not at fault; deep down I think I actually want to be in the wrong so I can apologise and make everything ok, rather than accept I’m in a bad relationship and walk away. I love intimacy – I love to open up and talk to someone and learn about each other but I’ve realised that I have a huge fear of being vulnerable. I don’t like to be in a position where I love a man so much that I know he can hurt me – so I understand now why sometimes I play it cool or I run away because I sense the possibility of rejection and am not prepared to take the risk of getting hurt. I now understand some of the unconscious beliefs I have that really belong in the past but are shaping how I behave today – they’re still there but they’re much easier to challenge when you know what they are and where they come from. Love this site – I still see my therapist once a month and I read this in between if I’m feeling a bit low. x
@Sam. This could be a fairly accurate portrayal of my background and beliefs. Probably had a harder time with my father, who is a very complex man to say the least, and males generally, growing up. The point is that I am a very extroverted, attractive person – I mean attractive in the sense that people want to be around and with me – but I have such a strange relationship with intimacy, both wanting calm openness and respect, but at the same time equally addicted to and repulsed by any ‘saving’ elements (both saving me, and saving the other).
I think I believe that if I am truly recognised by someone, I will be criticised, controlled and dependent, and probably not achieve my career and personal goals. But, then, if there’s too much emotional space and freedom in a relationship, I feel lonely. (And I start to convince myself that I am too much for them and that they created the space).
I CERTAINLY do what Natalie identifies: overestimate my capabilities in a relationship, that I can do most of the work to keep it going (which, naturally, leads to resentment), and underestimate why I chose to be with them in the first place.
I definitely do another thing she recognised in herself, which is say barbed, sarcastic things to the person for the first weeks of knowing them (and this is what the ex-AC found weirdly appealing) and then settle into this very reliable, maternal phase, which makes for a confusing package for them.
So it seems I can’t find that right balance of togetherness and individuality, without either chaos or remoteness. I have decided to see someone about the beliefs underlying these, as I really do want to have a cleaner slate before my next relationship.
@Elle – good to hear this resonated with you. Good luck. Sam
I grew up in a household where if you didn’t act or be like what they wanted you to be love was withdrawn and replaced with anger and abuse. So i learned early on that in order to get love you have to act and be like they wanted you to be and that meant giving up yourself and your feelings. I learned early on if you want someone to love you you must have no boundaries and never go against them unless you want to be hurt.
That left be open to chasing after men who took advantage of my lack of boundaries. I wanted to be loved and I chased after men who where really emotionally unavailable and incapable of loving me (or any woman for that matter because they had their own issues holding the back). Because it was the way I was conditioned early on to be attracted to these types of men who were cold and not very emotional. I was always trying to get the to show that they loved me and when they couldn’t I pushed harder for it. And I always ran away from the guys who did show me that they liked me and where interested in me. I will have to think about that one more and see where it leads.
Blessings to all those who are searching within themselves.
Dawn, holy cow. Same thing I grew up in. Act like what someone wants you to be and you get love. Act different (even though it’s not wrong) and you aren’t loved. That’s what I learned growing up.
I too had the same perception of when I grew up behaving a certain way to get approval/love.
I didn’t know there was any other way!
Every situation seems to be that way.
No one wants a “solo” thinker.
It is always a “team player”.
I am learning to be part of a group yet still keep my individuality. It is easier for me to go along to get along. An appeaser. “The Peace Keeper”. I am one of six and we all have taken on different rolls. I also was the rebellious child. I spoke for all of us. Of course I was the one who paid the consequences. Lesson? If you speak up, If you have limits/boundaries you will be punished.
Now I choose to require more from myself and stand tall on solid ground. I am a person who is solid. It may not comes as easy as morphing but the rewards are so much greater
Ya.. having to do what everybody expects of you huh!!!!! That certainly binds one in chains. I have always thought of myself as non-confrontational, after reading comments from Dawn, i just realised i have been brought up not to stand up for myself cause in my culture its rude to back talk an elder, which i extended to everyone else. It turned me into a wimp and I have let everyone burst my boundaries cause i am “non-confrontational”… a door mat more like it. Thanks NML for the post. I just realised that standing up for myself is not aggressive. Its still lady like and people will still like me even when they know i do not like some of the things they do!No more approval seekling behaviour here….( hopefully i learn to do that soon).
Wow, good post. I’m still having trouble getting my heart and my head to agree. My head says “it’s been over for six months” but my heart feels differently.
Also, boundaries. I have always firmly believed that “if it’s meant for me to have a guy, one is just going to show up.” It’s the way it’s always worked for me. I went ten years without a date, was fine with it, then met a guy, who turned out to be somewhat of an assclown, he had all the EU stuff, but he didn’t cheat on me. Well, now my friends are trying to get me to “go out and meet men.” I don’t want to do that, heavens, I did that in my 30’s and I’m in my 50’s now. I am now hesitant to even want to go anywhere with one of my friends for fear she is going to use the occasion as a “setup” without telling me in advance.
Also, I was looking for a place to post this, but all of Natalie’s previous posts where this would apply are closed to comments. (Probably a good thing.) Ok, here goes. I have met a lot of guys through what I call….. “non dates.” You just happen to be there, so is he, you talk to him, etc. Well, guys are a lot more “forthcoming” with information on “non dates.” They tell you a lot more. So now I’m a firm believer in the “non date.”
JJ2
NML, I would love to know what your thoughts are on shows like the ‘Bachelor’ and ‘Bachelorette’ which in a way encourage multiple dating at once before the contestant can decide on ‘the one’?
I have been thinking about this post since I read it – particularly last night when I couldn’t sleep for the first time in 2 months since I broke up with the AC. I grew up in a house where I was sent to my room to “calm down”, “stop being upset” and to learn to “behave”. I was not allowed to show any emotions, particularly the bad ones – anger, hurt. I have, in the last two months, metaphorically sent myself to my room to try and heal myself after the relationship with the AC. I now see that I believe that emotions are bad, that I am not to be seen in public unless I can “control” myself and that my complete lack of boundaries in relationships comes from the scared little girl in her room, desperately hoping someone will see and acknowledge her pain and love her. The one means of expression we were allowed in my house was humour – specifically sarcasm. My brother would sit and make my father laugh at the dinner table (usually at my expense) and I began to equate being funny with being loved and accepted. The only expressions of my hurt from the AC have been sarcastic – wearing a “commitment phobes suck” t-shirt and proudly displaying a mousepad a friend had made for me at work with his picture on it that reads “one woman’s assclown is another woman’s assclown”. It is another of my beliefs that that is ok, but it isn’t ok to cry, express pain or need or to ask for help.
The worst of it has been dealing with the rage. For the first 6 weeks, I held on to the notion that he was good guy. Now that I am waking up to how badly I was disrespected and treated, I am feeling nothing short of rage. I had originally had the occasional fantasy of slapping him when we met again but over the last two weeks, it has grown to uncontrolled rage, with thoughts of doing real physical violence. I absolutely understand that violence solves nothing – I am just trying to make him feel something, since I now know he never felt anything emotional. I saw my belief last night that I am not allowed to be mad, and have no acceptable means of expressing anger. I also realized that anger is just an emotion and emotions are just information, my mind and body’s way of telling me I need to pay attention to something. I work with my AC and after 2 months he is returning. My anger was just my way of letting me know I am not ready to talk to him or interact with him on a daily basis yet. I can not yet “come out of my room and behave”. When we first ended things, I focused on “keeping him as a friend” and worrying about how we could interact when at work. Now I realize I don’t care. I need to take care of me, help me. What I need here is what matters, not him. If and when I am ready, I will deal with him but not before. Since having that thought, the rage has subsided.
Thank you, Natalie, for creating this community of support, information and education. You provide a valuable and necessary forum and voice for those of us making our way back to ourselves. Thank you for sharing your story, experience and wisdom. It helps more than you will ever know.