There are a number of issues that are recurrent themes in struggling or dubious relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love assclowns and emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.
While assclowns are thinking ‘I’m not that bad’, the women that love them are thinking variations of ‘Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception’.
Assclowns get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behaviour. When one doesn’t but another one does, they can let their delusion continue.
We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad etc.
Seeking validation in relationships is when you look to get confirmation that something is true. This cuts both ways so while you may spend a disproportionate amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the ‘one’ etc, you may also be someone who spends an equally disproportionate amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The issue of validation represents a huge problem with assclowns because you’re involved in a consistent conflict of interest that confirms the negative beliefs that cause you to be involved with the assclown in the first place.
We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves and when these are negative beliefs, we gravitate to people who give us the opportunity to believe even though at the same time, we’ll also try to get them to validate the opposite about us.
So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women.
She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. That fear of abandonment will have her nervous of being abandoned, the cheating will mean she’s distrustful and not believing that he can be faithful and that there’s someone else a hop, skip, and a jump away from replacing her, and by feeling unlovable, it’s near unconceivable that someone could actually love her – even if she met someone who did, she wouldn’t believe them.
Despite ending up with someone that reflects these beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behaviour and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, valid, and lovable.
Instead, by the assclown continuing his behaviour, she instead learns that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there’s something unlovable about her because he wouldn’t make her the exception and she’s ended up feeling emotionally depleted after being involved with him. She’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, that she would have been able to hold onto a dipstick of an assclown like him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.
That ladies, is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship.
This is an excerpt from How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days which is coming out later this week…