There’s this falsehood that many people who are in the process of improving their self-esteem, addressing unhealthy or redundant habits, or who are thinking about doing any of these things, subscribe to, and it’s this idea that once we tackle whatever it is that we think has held us back and even “grow up” as such, that we will not be knocked by things anymore. We believe that once we do what we feel that we need to, that we won’t be put to the test. But, how would we know that we have the courage to deal with things and how would we know the length and breadth of what we’ve learned, unless these on-the-job training lessons are put to the test on occasion?
In the almost ten years since I embarked on my own personal journey of learning to like and love me as well as starting Baggage Reclaim, I’ve thought that I’m “finally” a grownup on a number occasions due to coming out of the other side of deeply testing situations. I think on some level, for a time I believed that once I had some experience under my belt of having improved self-esteem, I was never going to be ‘back there’ but if life has taught me anything in recent years, it’s that a lot of what I’ve learned along the way has prepared me for facing adversity such as different major stresses I’ve experienced with both of my parents, grieving the loss of my relationship with my father and his family, and having to face down experiences that had the potential to bring up those fears of rejection, failure, and even success.
Each time I’ve been put in testing situations, I’ve had to figure out through trial and error as well as my existing bank of self-knowledge, how to get back up.
Each testing experience, I’ve come out of it thinking, “OK – yeah, I’ve definitely grown up now”, and then down the line, something else happens and it’s, “Jaysus! Now I’ve grown up”. It reminds me of when after each breakup and disappointment, I’d think (and often say) that I’d “never get over this”.
For the majority of my life, a lot of my story was “I got knocked down” but over the last decade it’s changed to, “I’m still standing” or “I got back up”.
I’m still standing. You’re still standing. We’re still standing.
If I think about one of those experiences and I begin turning over the chain of events and as such, whipping me up, I end up, if not retraumatising me (which is more what I used to do years before), I certainly relive the events and then if I get carried away (which we can when we’re not mindful and are experiencing some form of stress), I end up having to deal with the hurt brought on from going down that road.
Sometimes we forget that we’re still standing or that at the very least, we’re in the process of getting back up.
We may have experienced abandonment, neglect, bullying, bereavements and other losses, knocks, disappointments, unrequited feelings, betrayals and more, but we are still standing. We are still here.
Our parents may not have been who we would have ideally wanted them to be or parented us as adequately as we might have desired but, we are still standing. When I think of all the things that have gone on in my own family never mind in my adult life, I realise that part of what makes me who I am is what I’ve been through, what I’ve had to survive, what I’ve had to navigate, figure out, step away from and more.
Isn’t it time that we stop thinking of ourselves as “weak”?
I hear from so many people who believe that they’re “weak” for having gotten into a situation or being attracted to a person but we must remember, it actually takes a lot of courage to become acquainted with the truth and learn from it. It takes courage to take experiences and use these as a light to open up our awareness about where we need to adapt our behaviour.
Baggage Reclaim would not be Baggage Reclaim if my story was, Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was perfect, her parents were perfect, life was perfect and she went on to experience everything her heart desires. The end.
There’s no frickin way on earth that I would choose the things that I’ve been through for my own daughters and I’m not about to break into a jubilant moonwalk, but no longer wanting to (whether it was consciously or not) live my life under a narrative cloud of negativity due to defining me, my present and my future by virtue of my background, experiences etc, I’ve been able to look at me in another way and live.
There’s still this little girl within me that experienced abandonment and pain. If I think of me as a kid, I see me, sitting in a hospital ward staring out the window knowing that my father would not be coming and feeling utter desolation. Sometimes I see me all dressed up and ready to be picked up….and it not happening. I decided my fate when I was a child and one of the things that I’m thankful for is that I’ve allowed me to grow up so that I can accept a different version of events and love the me that I was then and the me I am now.
My story cannot be, I got knocked down.
I still have the same parents, the same family, the same exes (I must tell the story of that time when a friend tells me about her shiny new semi-boyfriend and it turns out to be one of my ex’s – haha), the same experiences and the same old wounds but ya know what? I’m still standing. I could talk about those experiences and how awful they were but if I were to only focus on that and ignore the recovery, the growth, the insight, it would be the story of when I got knocked down and forgot that I survived.
We are survivors and hell, sometimes, I am in awe of the stories readers share with me, because there are some serious warriors amongst us.
Looking back, I’ve had some damn close calls. I used to shame and terrorise myself over the fact that I had those close calls and as a result, it began to feel as if I was still in the midst of one. What’s the point of that? It would be similar to nearly getting killed by a car and rather than learn from that experience and eventually get to that point of gratitude for still being alive, instead continuing to mentally beat you up for the near miss and deciding that your options are limited as a result. I’ve had some major blows but due to recovery, they’re in the remote distance, not on me like a black cloud. They’re something that happened, not that’s happening. This is good because until ten years, abandonment and being “worthless and good for nothing” was a story I lived every day as if it happened the day before.
Some of us get into the habit of feeling like underdogs, the odd ones out, the ‘unsaleables’ and often it’s because of who we were born to or where we born, or experiences we’ve had or ‘mistakes’ we’ve made along the way. That’s not fair. We can’t keep defining ourselves in this way. That charmed life we sometimes secretly wish for, was never going to grow us and strengthen us. Maybe it’s time for us to use these experiences in a different way because all of these experiences, carry illuminating positive lessons that when we heed them, we will not keep getting burnt by the same pattern over and over again. We will also know the length and breadth of our courage and know that when life puts us to the test again, as inevitably does, we are that much more equipped to not only deal with it but to also gradually bounce back.
I’m still standing. You’re still standing. We’re still standing.
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Thank you for another wonderful post, Natalie.
I would *really* love to hear the story about your friend. And of course, I want to know the question to the Fallback Girl’s million dollar question: has he changed?!
This article came at the perfect time. This is exactly what i needed to hear. I’ve had a series of challenging events lately and by yesterday i was through, tired, exhausted. I spent today picking myself back up and thinking about how i need to adjust and/or refocus my mindset. Truly Baggage Reclaim is a place where i feel comforted and reassured on my journey because we do have challenges in life even once we are making better choices. I appreciate Natalie and this blog so much.
I’ve spent the last 2 days on BR treating myself to some self-care from a relapse, but this was the EXACT post I needed. Thank you, Natalie, for yet another wonderful, uplifting post.
Thank you, Natalie, for your wisdom. You help so many women including myself. I needed this article so much. We are standing and we are alive and it’s a wonderful journey even that sometimes it’s very difficult to see.
Hi Natalie,
It’s true that we don’t often give ourselves the credit. Life is going to always have its downsides. When we have been knocked down and get back up again, what we don’t always notice is the fact that if it happens again, we get up quicker.
We start to build resilience. And through that resilience our belief in our ability to deal with things gets stronger. As long as we recognise it as such. It’s impossible to avoid all the bad stuff in life, but each time we get knocked down and get back up again, we get better at spotting things sooner, and we get back up quicker.
It is highly unlikely we will get everything right, but building our resilience makes life easier on the long haul.
Keith Clarke
Well said.
Yes! I love this POST. I am still STANDING. I was at the spa today relaxing and feeling great. This is part of my healing routine. A lady started talking about how tough it is to date because of men constantly lying and cheating. In the midst of bliss I was reminded of the road I will have to travel just to meet someone new. In the moment I hated the thought of starting over. I came home and read this POST. It reinforces what I know to be true- I am STILL STANDING (after being knocked hard on my ass). It has been tough but I am doing my best to rebuild my life. I am learning so much about myself.
I am just going to take my time and remind myself daily that I am STILL STANDING.
The phrase I am still standing reminds me of a line in the Color Purple that cracks me up. I take laughter anyway I can get it.
Celie: [on leaving the farm in Shug’s car, shouting to Albert] I’m poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I’m here. I’m here.
Thank you Natalie! You have been my companion through the dissolution of a very long relationship, and your columns have given me the courage to stay strong. We don’t always get what we deserve in life – but we always deserve to care about and respect ourselves. This was beautiful and I’m sharing it!
Just discovered your site yesterday, have read a lot, and just wanted to say thank you. – A recovering Frankie Nightingale
I am Still Standing
Elton John
You could never know what it’s like
Your blood like water freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I’m coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still standing you just fadeaway
Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you’d be a clown by now
No, I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
Don’t you know that I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
(fade)
I so needed to hear this. Thank you! And I LOVE “I’ve had some major blows but due to recovery they’re not on me like a black cloud. They’re something that happened, not that’s happening”. This resonates bc I find I still struggle immensely with defining myself by my struggle it feels like this black cloud that literally follows me everywhere and has for years now. But you’re right. It’s about shit that’s happened. Not shit that’s happening. It can’t define who I am in the NOW. It should never define who I am as a human being.
Sorry (10 yrs old).
Hi Natalie,
I have been reading your posts since last year and it has been a huge source of wisdom.
After being brought up by a father who is a nice man ,supported my decisions but always underestimated and doubted me,underappreciated my achievements,never supported me emotionally in childhood I grew up as a girl with low self esteem,low self worth ,low confidence and people pleasing behaviour.(I was never good enough for him :-()can’t forget had to take meds for regaining mental stability when I was just 10 years old because of him and his relatives) .
But after reading your posts every thing has changed for good.I treat myself with care,respect ,trust and love.Have stopped talking to some of my bullshit relatives who never respected and loved me.know my boundaries and can easily tell people to get lost.And in doing this my lovely mother supports me and has always been there for me:-)
Natalie, your posts have been keeping me strong all along.I know my reply is not related to the topic but just wanted to thank you from a very long time.
Thank you,Thank you,Thank you !And also thanks to every one who contributes to the post.God bless us all …lots of love.
“Some of us get into the habit of feeling like underdogs, the odd ones out, the ‘unsaleables’”
This is all too true yet such a difficult habitual mindset to change, especially for this 30 year old who has never had a real boyfriend. Typing that out makes my eyes well up with tears, and it’s not because I pity myself or have “woe is me” syndrome. I truly do feel like the underdog, the odd one out, and the leader of the “unsaleables”.
Finding this site has been very helpful, I’m actively trying to change my fallback girl habits. I falter and feel weak sometimes, but I dont want to be the fallback girl anymore. I deserve better, I want to experience love so badly but I am not desperate and I’m learning from my past mistakes.
Ive been applying this new knowledge in my current situation. I can’t read the feelings of the guy I’ve been “seeing” (I guess it’s called as I dont know where we stand in the relationship). Earliere this week I was going to discuss our “status” at the end of our date and I chickened out. After, I felt weak and angry at myself for not following through but Nat is right, I’m still standing and next time I want to bring it up with him I will be more confident.
Jenna,
Why are you scared to bring it up? How long have you been dating? This is a legitimate question to ask someone and if they are acting twitchy then you need to step back. If he has not brought it up and you’ve have been dating longer than 2 months then I would feel a little uneasy.
We are still standing Women (and men)!
Lets find our strength again and be kind to others and OURSELVES.
All we need to do to get better is ask are we better than yesterday? How do we get better, by self improvement like simply reading posts like this and acting on it is one more step towards feeling better.
Forwarding on your kindness to yourself and others (dont become resentful as it will only eat at you), going for a walk, eating healthier, keep on doing small little favours for yourself, set yourself a goal (anything that can be measured like walking long distance) so you feel like a winner again. Dont forget to pay attention to the good and what you’re grateful for. It makes the biggest difference.
Onwards and upwards my lovelies.
This post could not have come at a better time, Natalie! I found your site about a month ago when my ex assclown broke up with me. (He was a complete Fast Forwarder, Future Faker and Overlapper – can you tell how much research I’ve been doing through your posts??) Anyway, last night I also found out through a mutual friend that he’s a complete sociopath. That I was just another girl in his pattern (even though he denied that when I asked). And so now, I’m no longer sad and wallowing in the love lost or missing him. The initial rage is starting to fizzle, though my stomach is still a bit queasy as I continue to sort out the fact that I had been completely duped by someone I can’t even recognize anymore. But the main takeaway is, I’m recovering. I’m stronger tonight than I was this morning. And tomorrow will be even better. And while he continues his cycle with his new girlfriend, I’ll be learning from this and congratulating myself for climbing this mountain. The emotional rollercoaster is almost complete, I’m excited to stand on my own two feet again! And hopefully… won’t be too jaded from this experience and will be able to *cautiously* allow someone new into my life some day!
Lol, I’ve had similar thoughts. I went from, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again (sadface)” and “what is wrong with me?!” to “omg, did I narrowly avoid another fucked up person or what?” and “man, I am getting REALLY old.”
Really needed this post.
I was struggling last night. Feeling ill in bed I cried my eyes out thinking it was my fault the ex abused me for years. That it was my fault it hasn’t worked out with two subsequent men.
But I know that what I have learnt over these 10 years has made me so much more who I’m supposed to be.
Yes I’ve struggled and I sometimes get impatient. Like the struggle should have delivered me the perfect relationship by now. But I realise nothing is perfect. I’ve had my eyes open in the last two relationships I’ve had and I’ve ended them quicker because of that.
I’ve made changes in my career, my friendships, my family all for the good of me.
There will always be challenges but guess what
I’m still standing and I will always stand again.
Thanks Nat
This is a great reminder! We have all this negativity bias. Wikipedia explains it as follows:
“The negativity bias[1] (also known as the negativity effect) refers to the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g. unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful/traumatic events) have a greater effect on one’s psychological state and processes than do neutral or positive things. In other words, something very positive will generally have less of an impact on a person’s behavior and cognition than something equally emotional but negative.”
On way to counteract this negativity bias is to mindfully collect positive experiences in a diary to come back to in weak moments.
Asante/thank you from Tanzania for ‘opening’ our eyes.
Now, there is no need to bash oneself!
Leila
Tanzania
Jab Cross Hook,
I completely agree with you.Relationship with fast forwarder’s doesn’t go a long way.we just experience emotional turmoil.
Stay strong and focus on yourself..
I love this post Natalie. As I look around today, I certainly do think “I’m still standing” though I wonder how. I split with my husband 6 years ago. Met another man who turned out to be an abusive, alcoholic who after 5 years together killed himself. I’ve had to move 130 miles away from my home and now live alone for the first time in my 49 years! I’m in a wheelchair so this is no mean feat. I don’t know how I’m managing but I have no choice. Last year, I met a man who for 2 months made me feel loved. But then it began. His blowing cold and withdrawing until he told me he “couldn’t give me what I needed yet”. I hadn’t dated for 25 years. So, I didn’t spot the red flags which were there. Texts as the sole means of communication, meeting up when it suited him, refusing to look me in the eyes during sex, not showing any interest in meeting my children and family etc etc. But for the first time in my life and with the help of BR, I told him what he offered was not good enough and ended it. It broke my heart. That was last November. I’ve struggled with a deep sense of abandonment ever since. Tried to hang on by texting him occasionally and being rehurt when he ignored my texts. He has told mutual friends he is ignoring me to avoid giving me false hope. How shit does that make me feel? But I’m now on day 12 of no contact and this time I will stick to it. Because I will survive. Thanks to all you wonderful ladies. Please think of me as I do of you.
I admire you, ReelChick. With all the life challenges you have, you had no problems exercising your “reel” strength and kicking that AC to the curb. I think that is TERRIFIC!
Loneliness is hard. And needing validation can easily lead us down the wrong path. But…don’t let that AC back into your life. When I was in my deepest despair over “my” AC, and doing my best to keep from starting things up again out of loneliness/need for validation, I resumed my old love for reading books, and it helped. So…just a suggestion.
I admire you, ReelChick.
So true, we keep getting back up but sometimes is just so hard. Being the last of seven in a seriously dysfunctional family, suffering alcholism, sober now 25 years, having two boyfriends sucide, 10 years with a narcisstic man, the loss of my father at 21, my oldest brother dying two years later and six years ago the brutal murder of one of my brothers which took me to the depths of hell, literally, and recently the loss of my beloved mother who I cared for intensivly the last six years. Yes resiliance we have but it has for me been soul destroying having to deal with so much grief….and the dysfunctional ‘relationship’ that I am currently sort of in has left me with who gives a …….too hard.
I thought I was doing pretty well, too, until I “divorced” my alcoholic, manipulative stepmother and her family. It wouldn’t have mattered except that her son called me up to ream me out for hurting his mother’s feelings, telling me I was paranoid and just generally wrong to do what I did. It was a similar story that I used to get from my dad “you’re a monster, she’s an angel,” over and over and over. Shame, guilt, old feelings of being always in the wrong, all came back. It doesn’t matter that now I have people who truly love me and support me. I’m terrified of going back to hating myself again. The black cloud is back. Now what?
@Keetseel. When I happen to start hating myself nowadays, I remember that I have to reverse things: I move the anger away from myself and direct it at the person who harmed me. I have found that if I give myself permission to fully feel this anger, it passes, I do not get stuck there. And sometimes a layer of pain opens up once the anger clears out.
In your case, all of the people whom you mentioned above behave in your disinterest; protect yourself from them. There is such a thing as NC with family you know (at least temporarily). Here’s the link to Natalie’s relative post:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-are-allowed-to-have-boundaries-with-family/
V.
ReelChick, I have been in a similar situation to you, with a guy ignoring my texts and communications to avoid giving me false hope-the sheer arrogance and unfounded self-satisfaction of him, in hindsight, 10 years later, stupefies me!… I was, hanging on his every word and giving him the power and authority to make me feel unworthy and that I did not deserve any care or consideration from him, or at least just friendly reassurance that hey we are both human beings who had an experience together and sometimes that is hard to let go of, especially if you have abandonment issues like myself! the way he went about things was shitty and at the time I had the similar thing you are experiencing with mutual friends being involved, I was in a vicious circle and needed to get out and away from those people, and I did. It is all in the past now and the relief I feel on a daily basis far outweighs the pain and anguish and self-hatred which I put myself through for many years. I have and still am on a journey and thanks Natalie too, your thoughtful, heartfelt words always ring true and make so much sense and I clung to them at times in the last few years when I felt like I was drowning. But I think what I want to say to you Reelchick is that those feelings of drowning and hopelessness and sheer despair, which you may feel at low points, are what save you in the end, because through that you do become stronger and even get to the point where the last thing you ever want to do is contact that arsehole ever again! And the wonderful realisation comes too that this isn’t actually about him at all, it’s about you and your relationship with yourself and he is just a weapon you use to hurt yourself with and then you know that it is all down to you and your perception of a situation and you have power over that situation. He is not worthy of you and you will find love, like Bjork say’s ‘you’ll be given love, maybe not from the directions you are staring at'(All is Full of Love) but the old cliché is true, you have to find the love with yourself first, fill yourself up with so much love that it is always overflowing and is more than enough for you and I promise you will attract the right kind of people for you who like you for who you are want more than anything to make you feel good and show their love and care! it is exciting, every day is new and bursting with possibility. Take care x
Keith Clarke, well said and so true.
Yes, We do get up quicker. Perfect timing for this post, just experienced being on the receiving end of serious shady doings, felt abandoned, rejected, etc. I handled it much differently than I would’ve years ago, or even 6 months ago. Was I hurt? Absolutely. Angry? Holy hell… I was livid. And I backed away from it instead of trying to get a rejection retraction and blame me because of someone elses’s bad behavior. someone I darn well know is manipulative and lacks empathy. It was someone I knew damn well NOT to entertain, even in the slightest. Tonight, I am fine. Back on track. Years ago… It would’ve taken me weeks, maybe even months.
I am very selective about who I allow in my inner circle. Years ago, it was anyone who showed attention. I’m calmer and I don’t care to people please. My only worry sometimes, ….Have I gone through so many trials that I don’t feel anymore? That I don’t even care to date anyone? I hope that changes.
Demke,
I feel the same way:
“Have I gone through so many trials that I don’t feel anymore? That I don’t even care to date anyone? I hope that changes.”
About hoping it will change: I don’t even think about it anymore. I just don’t care. I know if and when the right person comes along, it will just work out. Dating, natural progression and interest, etc. Really, thinking back to my ex-husband: there was no trying, thinking, forcing. It developed naturally and fast and we got married. The same with the one nice guy I used to date few years ago (didn’t work out for other reasons rather then EU, ACness, etc).
One doesn’t need to try and force and when a guy is into you and wants a relationship with you and you like him it just flows. So don’t think about it. Live your life. When and if he crosses your path, you will know it.
Sofia and Demke
I feel the same way.
Like you I don’t care if I never had another man in my life. The big qualifier is that I can spot the AC, EUM and the rest of the idiots coming a mile off these days and I won’t engage with them. Why should I? Not every man or woman we meet is going to be a good friend or boyfriend. Why should I waste my time trying to fix, heal or help the unfixable’s and unpleasable’s and I say let them find another emotional airbag to bounce off to heal their broken heart.
You don’t need to force any guy into a relationship if he wants to be with you, everything does flow naturally.
That’s how it’s happened in the past and that’s how it will happen in the future if I ever meet someone and it’s a mutual attraction. Just let the rest slide off like Teflon.
Demke, I feel the same way sometimes! Got chatted up last week and seriously just could not be bothered to entertain it in the slightest!
Spotted the red flags as I gave him my number and saw the picture of the last girl he’d been chatting to!
I politely told him I was not interested in anything within 2 days! Done:)
But yes at some point I will give someone a chance but it will be when there are no glaring red flags to ignore:)
This post got me thinking about resiliency.
It is truly amazing how resilient we are. It also got me thinking about what helps me to bounce back and move forward. What helps me to be resilient? As I have grown and gotten stronger (more resilient), those things have grown and changed with me.
Music and nature have remained as the constants, though. They have saved my life. They were my safe haven as a child. I just remembered art and animals were too. I guess that’s why I love to create things…it’s therapy. It used to puzzle me when people described me as artsy, now I see why! I am artsy. ? I will now actively create more art to connect with myself and others.
My thoughts about what is happening has also made a huge difference in how quickly I bounce back. If I view the event as an opportunity to learn and grow, I feel empowered by it. It’s a lesson and I can learn, so I can handle it. It usually involves some pain, but so does the alternative. This lesson is going to keep returning until I deal with it, so I might as well face it now.
I am doing some heavy duty emotional cleaning out right now. Recognizing emotions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs that were never mine and giving them back to their rightful owners. While I was in that frame of mind, it occurred to me that I also had physical possessions from one of these people that I was also hanging onto – out of guilt – I think I was trying to have some sense of connection with them. I had been wrestling with the thought of giving them away. It occurred to me that I didn’t want that stuff of theirs either! It’s not my taste and I don’t have any real connection to it. It was stuff that this person owned, stuff that this person may or may not have really liked. I don’t want it – I’m letting it go.
This thought of cleaning out their stuff led me to the connection that I am also in the process of cleaning out my basement (bear with me, I am getting to the point! )?
The basement had a leak during the time I was dealing with many, many other things and I was just not up to dealing with it properly – I did the band aide route. I wasn’t ready to face it; I didn’t have the energy.
I laughed when I recognized that I am metaphorically cleaning out and repairing the foundation of myself, while I am in the process of cleaning out the basement to repair the foundation of my home. Both require clearing out the things that do not belong to me, and restoring it to health and wholeness.
I’m ready to face it now. I’m scared of what I’ll find, but ready. Whatever it is, I trust I can handle it.
When that room in my basement is finished, it won’t be used for storage anymore, I will use it for something that brings me joy. (I originally made a Freudian slip here and typed I won’t be used for storage anymore! So true!)
I have a print by Hillel that reminds me of my resiliency. It’s a flower with the words “I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing.”
Keep dancing, Ladies!
Veracity
Today I cleaned away all the cobwebs I’ve been watching accumulate lately, all food crumbs accidently dropped on the floor and all slime from the slug that just started daring to enter under my front door recently into my house due to me taking away its food sources in my garden. I put down a welcome mat of a nice fat line of salt…so I won’t be seeing them alive anytime soon.
The poor little slug Oona,
it is a terrible, slow and painful death, with salt.
She is a harmless creature. Why do we need to be so destructive with other beings?
It hurts me when I see that even empathetic people like you, who have suffered a lot and learned so much in their life, do not make the connection.
Actually, you are instinctively following the principals of Feng Shui. Old things can attach to themselves bad ‘Qi” or “Chi” so you must be careful when buying antiques.
Another principal is Chi energy cannot flow if you have no room for new energy by holding on to old useless objects of any kind.
It is interesting that the buildings and arrangements of objects in them can have an effect on our spirit.
You will feel so free when your home is in order. I forget who said this, but something like “when I am alone or lonely I work on my house”….I just did this and it works. Possibly because you have immediate goals and see positive results. I told myself only positive changes this year and I am sticking to that motto, haha
Shano,
I guess I am! Can you recommend a good resource for arrangement, once I am done cleaning? I have wondered about the energy attached to the things that I bring home – My home is filled with antiques and flea market treasures. My solution is a sage cleansing.
It’s funny you say that about feeling “so free” when my home is in order, I experience it as feeling lighter.
I love it! I think that quote from Under a Tuscan Sun got lots of people working on their houses! I think you’re right, it’s that feeling of accomplishment. Good for you, onward and upward!
Thank you for your feedback! Veracity
My smiley faces were somehow turned into question marks!
Wonderful post, Veracity!
‘If I view the event as an opportunity to learn and grow, I feel empowered by it. It’s a lesson and I can learn, so I can handle it. It usually involves some pain, but so does the alternative. This lesson is going to keep returning until I deal with it, so I might as well face it now.’
I will stick this somewhere visible and bump into it as many times as needed. Thank you.
Yes Veracity wonderful post and I am glad that you are feeling this way. All the best, V.
Thank you, V. I appreciate your support and understanding. All the best to you too. Veracity
Thank you, ReadyForChange! I’m so glad that you find it helpful too!
Yep I actually smiled at one of them thinking you were being funny.
Thats your smily faces turned into question marks I was talking about above.
I love it Natalie! Such a good read 🙂 This is exactly what I needed to hear this week.
After a couple good weeks of getting well, feeling better and about 2 months NC with exMM, I have been feeling great. Then yesterday I ran into him at work. I just saw him in the hallway, and it all came flooding back. I felt like I’ve worked so hard, grown a lot and am really getting better and then bam! a night of feeling anxious, sad, crappy about myself and my future, angry at him, angry at myself and just crying and wallowing. What the hell?! I thought I was over this. Ugh, but I can see it as a setback now and this article really helped.
I think we are a constant work in progress because until we hit nirvana or something, we are just human! and life gives us new experiences all the time, even if they are similar to our past experiences. And one thing I’ve experienced lately, with trying to change some of my habits (around thinking, the way I speak, drinking and the way I interact with other people and myself).. is that habits take awhile to break. Sometimes we experience the same thing a few times and take a few steps forward and a few steps back because we are learning and reprogramming our brains to reactive differently to different situations. It takes awhile sometimes, but I agree that people are brave for trying.. and it takes courage and strength to work on yourself. We are all warriors here!
I also totally agree about the power of the story you tell yourself and the impact it has on yourself and your life. I felt sorry for myself a lot in this situation, even though I knew it was largely my own fault for getting involved with a married man. I felt sad and sorry that I hadn’t said something years ago when we first met (but I was dating someone else and didn’t want to be a jerk), I felt sad and sorry that I never got to meet and fall in love with someone that I really loved like all of my friends have, and I felt sad and sorry that when this did happen for me, it was with someone unavailable and that it took me so long to accept this. But I refuse to just lie down and die or feel sad and sorry for the rest of my life about this.
I want a new story and I want it to be something like this: “Once upon a time there was a girl named “Leanne”. She worked hard and tried to maintain a good relationship with a good man for a long time, but one day she met someone else and fell head over heels in love. He had a lot of good qualities, but ultimately he was not the man she thought he was and he treated her badly. Leanne felt very sad for a time, but she was resolved not to let it get her down. She worked on herself and rebuilt her life, and it became even more beautiful! In a short time Leanne was feeling better than ever. She had great friends, an awesome home and was a good person who deserved good things. Then one day she met someone truly special. He was sweet and kind and just like the exMM, except that he wasn’t married, he wasn’t a jerk and most importantly, he loved her. And they were madly in love and lived happily ever after. But most importantly, Leanne loved herself and she knew that she would always take care of herself and have her own back.” I wish this kind of story for all of us (that want it).
Leanne it feels so good to read you this way. I am really, really happy for you. You will have what you want. Enjoy the creation of it! Best, V.
Leanne,
I’m sorry to read about your brutal setback. I like your new story, but I think you can do better. The new guy will be BETTER than the exMM, and nothing like him. Your new guy will be SO MUCH BETTER because he will be YOUR guy, not someone else’s. He’ll be so much better and NOT like exMM. We get stuck thinking we lost out. We can’t idealize them. I know I feel that way too. But there HAS to be BETTER. You want better. I want better. We want BETTER. Not LIKE them. BETTER. Available. Real.
This post is so timely. After spending last year “dating” an EUM, I am trying to move forward. I am exploring mindfulness, meditation, and yoga and feel like I am finally making progress towards learning to love myself for the first time in my life. But then when I go back to that familiar low, self-loathing place, I beat myself up and think “who am I kidding, I’ve really made no progress at all”. I mistakenly believed that the journey was about reaching that “perfect” place. But sometimes it is two steps forward, one step back and about catching yourself before you fall down. Reading your blog and everyone’s posts is so wonderful. I used to think I was alone, that I was the only one that felt this way and that there must be something fundamentally wrong and flawed about me. But as I am learning in my meditation journey, suffering is just a part of the human condition, and we are ALL worthy of love. When I start feeling low, I often come here and read for awhile, and am able to gather strength. Thank you for all you do!!
@Sue: Yes, not to mention that after a while, you have so much trust in yourself and the process (life) itself, that you might even enjoy a little the ‘stepping back’. A safe exploration of the way you were. Best, V.
Thank you..Thank you..Thank you… how many times can I possibly say those two words that mean so incredibly much.
The timing of your post as usual is spot on for me. I am so tired. I have lived my entire life people pleasing due to little to no self esteem. I feel responsible for everything that has ever happened to me. I allow people to walk all over me and treat me like a piece of garbage because I am ashamed that I’m not good enough for anyone to love.
I’ve been through so much and just when I think I am that much stronger for the experience something or someone else comes along and knocks me back down.
I am so tired of constantly digesting the hurt from others actions and putting on a brave face telling myself to “fake it till I make it”.
I allowed myself to get pulled into my ex assoholic drama again and I am so incredibly pissed off at myself. I know better. I deserve better. But when all my friends and family and children are busy every weekend and the long days to fill get overwhelming I end up responding to his text’s and eventually spend time with him. Not sex – just time. It’s like picking a wound open after it’s healed.
After reading this wonderful blog I don’t feel so hopeless anymore. I’m not alone. This journey is one that many before me have taken and many more will take as I don’t believe this world will ever be rid of emotionally unavailable narcissistic manipulative deceitful cheating people.
I’m just glad I’m not one of them.
Thank you Natalie for reminding all of us that we are valuable. That we are going to feel like that black cloud is above us sometimes despite our best intentions and that we deserve better.
I am so grateful for this site and to all who share their journeys xo
“It’s like picking a wound open after it’s healed.”
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I used those same words to describe how I felt after resuming a “friendship” with my ex-EUM. Two months after we broke up, he reached out as a friend and we started hanging out. That lasted for two-and-a-half months…until I realized I was thinking about him too much, missing him again, and opening up the wounds that had been healing nicely. So this week I told him I need to do what is healthy for me, and that is NOT to see him. I had read all about no-contact rule on here, but I guess I had to learn the lesson the hard way. I felt like an idiot, but then I decided to treat myself the way I would treat a friend – with compassion and understanding. Seeing him again actually helped to shatter the fantasy I had built around who I thought he was, and to see him as he truly is, which is not someone I want in my life.
Know that you are not alone, many of us have been or are currently where you are, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay there. We can decide that we are worth more, and continue on the path of loving ourselves one day at a time.
Yes Pheonix I am also very grateful for BR. I wonder why are you not busy? Surviving means you get to LIVE another day – aren’t you interested in doing things?
– if not, time to find out who you are and try something you have never tried before
– if so – why are you waiting for other people to come along and provide it for you? Go and do things anyway – even if you don’t have any chaperones.
I have a better social life – outside of being in a relationship than I ever did when I was with anyone and the great thing is I don’t have to negotiate with anyone – I do everything I want. Have dates on your own – doing the things YOU would really like to do – then you will be too busy to think about what others have left you out of and THEY will be worried about what you are leaving them out of because they have busy family and relationship lives instead. Good Luck.
Thank you Sue & Oona ! I appreciate your responses xo
I do have a busy happy life but as I am a very shy person with little self esteem I am more of an introvert. Once I get to know people I come out of my shell more but am still very cautious. I would love to join a group of some kind but am to nervous to join on my own. I spend my weekends cleaning my house, doing yardwork, laundry, grocery shopping and paying my bills. Due to growing up with an abusive mother, distant father then moving in with my controlling narcissistic husband at the age of 17 – I have always been living under a roof with drama and anger. I have been on my own now for 7 years (although involved with a returning narcissistic alcoholic first boyfriend for five years). When I left my husband I thought I was strong enough to never let myself be bullied and abused again, oh how incredibly naive and wrong was I. This man showed his true colors right from the start but because I am a “florence nightengale” and had my rose colored glasses on I “listened” to the lies and ignored the “actions”. God what a fool I was. This man verbally, physically & mentally abused me more in five years then my mother & husband did in 45 years. Hence the low self esteem.
However I am happy to report that I have had three occasions to stand up for myself this week and I’M STILL STANDING! I came across a man busing his dog and I yelled at him to stop and called the authorities on him on the spot! Secondly I was walking through a parking lot and a man screamed at me that I was a bitch for not stopping long enough at a stop sign. I almost walked away but then said “How DARE you speak to me like that! How would you like it if some random man screamed that at your wife or daughter or any woman in your life?” He quickly walked away! And last but certainly not least I told my assoholic frenemy to leave me alone. He disrespected me for the very last time. I didn’t call him names. I didn’t point out his disgusting behaviour. Nothing. I just wished him well and walked away. I feel so much at peace today. The old me would have tossed and turned all night thinking that there was something wrong with me since all three of these situations happened within days of each other. I slept sound and woke up feeling very relaxed and happy. I pray this feeling continues cause this chick is just way too tired for the drama anymore. Much love to you all xoxo
*abusing his dog
Agreed. I am exactly 2 months out of what I thought was a 4 month dating relationship that was heading somewhere with someone I really cared about. He didn’t know what he wanted. I conveyed my disappointment and I have spent the past 6 weeks restoring the calm to my life. It’s gotten easier and easier. The sooner you catch this and hit the brakes, the better for you, for them, for the world.
He and I do share an unusual local performance hobby (how we met) that means we’ll cross paths and, before we started down the romantic/physical path, we got along great. But funny thing: I’ve been branching out and meeting more people in “the scene.” I see now that, in some ways, focusing on him and where this might be heading was keeping me from noticing others around me who *want* to hang out and make an effort to do so. Not any more.
And now that I am here, I can feel how different it is not worrying about him… no speculation about what this or that means. My energy is freed up to build friendships that I value – and who value me back. I don’t think so much about how I “look” or how he will interpret what I say or do. I just… do it. It feels so good to be me around people who aren’t putting on a show for me only to let the curtain fall when they run out of material.
A couple of me and my new friends are putting together some local get-togethers to practice our shared performing skill and they happen to be mutual friends of his (it’s a small scene). I let him know we were organizing something and if he was interested, I’d let him know what we come up with. Funny thing is, he had zero clue we were setting that up… Maybe our paths aren’t as aligned as I thought in this realm *either*… go figure…
So, no you’re not imagining things. You know what’s going on. You have to be the one to acknowledge it and call it out. They won’t do it. But you’ll be happier and calmer. It’s only been two months and we’re already worlds apart …and that tells me everything I need to know.
I would also add that one of Natalie’s phrases that has helped me *tremendously* in this situation: “Do not ever put yourself in a position for them to reject you again.”
Our paths cross and will continue to do so and this advice has helped me choose my words, choose my actions, choose what works best for me – by ensuring that everything I do and say is done and said without attachment to outcomes or “needing” him to respond in a certain way – or for him to respond at all. It’s not just about resisting offering my “sales pitch” to get back together – it’s about ensuring that none of who I am is laid on the line in anything I say or do as a mechanism for him to render some verdict about my worth. That line has really stuck with me and I am grateful for it. It has helped me move forward with dignity and resolve.
Mines a long story. But the basics are this. Nearly six years ago I started having sex with a man who lead me to believe he was like single but messed up about relationships. Time has gone so quickly … He got married behind my back and then told me. We eventually some how started occasionally seeing each other of course sex was involved. Then April he has told me he has a 16 month old daughter. It has taken me over a year to come to terms with all this. I have tried everything to see why he would keep these things away from me when I have thought we had that connection !! What a joke. It hurts like hell because I love him. Don’t want to let go of the dream and feel that I am turning to stone. I try and try to be strong. I don’t know how to get stronger. Natalie you’re posts show me that there is someone out there who gets it. I’m still in pain and wish for so much more for myself. I feel I’m on stuck mode. But I’m still standing and am trying so hard to just get it all right. I feel weak, vulnerable and hurt and it hurts like mad. I see him I am weak everytime. Answers of why this has happened to me just confuse me because he his not that person in front of me. Natalie you’re so inspiring I long to get to you’re place in life. Thank you
Emotional Trauma can result in three effects upon yourself – stimulating fight or flight or a paralysis over you and/or your emotions. They are all primal responses designed to enable you to keep yourself safe and survive danger – and are also used by animals in danger.
Impala deer respond with paralysis and vital signs system shut down upon being chased by Lions and experiencing high anxiety in the chase – once down on the ground the Lion comes up and sniffs them, sees they are not breathing and thinks they have dropped down dead – which signifies their may be something wrong with the potential food – because that’s not right – and so they wander off to find something safe – once gone the impala vital signs system restarts and they get up and walk away having survived.
If undealt with, and suppressed emotional trauma is triggered you will automatically respond with one of the three above responses – fight, flight, emotional paralysis. If your response happens to be emotional paralysis – you will find it v, difficult to ‘see’ what he (and possibly others) make you REALLY feel in close proximity to them. You will survive the encounter but not necessarily be able to deal with this person in the flesh and need distance, strategies to help support you, act in the now.
One of the things to help stop this disconnection is to retrain yourself to acknowledge your feelings and instincts again – at first away from people triggering yourself and then when you are stronger within their proximity again. Feelings and instincts inform your boundary setting.
If you feel confused = this is a sign you are possibly in danger and it needs to be addressed fully to your full unsuppressed emotional satisfaction or walk away – for your own emtional and sometimes physical safety. Confusion is a strategy of someone hiding something from you – even if it is YOU hiding something from yourself.
Paralysis can also describe not being able to emotionally detach and leave a relationship even though you are both in their presence and leave their presence – you see the red flags flapping in your face clearly and regularly results in you unable to choose other primal survival options of fight or flight.
What you describe above Gsil, is not a relationship I would want to put any of my precious time into. Your time IS your most valuable resource – don’t waste in on a person who not only thinks its ok to have a relationship with you AND get married to someone else but to offload THEIR guilt about it by telling you that’s what they have done – theyby putting the onus on you to terminate the relationship and activate YOUR fight or flight rather than there own flight response.
This person is really not worth one hair on your head and are Emotionally Unavailable to you.
If you have a confusion around feelings you are experiencing – always go with the ones you have AWAY from someone because that is YOU accessing YOUR true feelings and you cannot have any true relationship with anyone unless your true feelings AND theirs are present.
Basically Gsil, what you describe is not love and if you don’t KNOW that then you need to start asking yourself just what DOES love feel like inside of you? IF THERE IS ANY HURT OR PAIN FEELINGS INVOLVED – START AGAIN WITH ANOTHER EXAMPLE UNTIL YOU FIND ONE THAT DOESN’T.
Hi All
Back home from my trip and my excursion back down shady alley so I thought I’d catch you all up and face the well deserved tough feedback I’m going to get. It’s been a rough week, but I am still standing.
So where I left off with you was that on my journey over exMOM had told me he was starting divorce proceedings, went home and told his wife, got beaten, packed a bag and left, and then turned up in my hotel lobby looking for me. I took him in for a chat for a couple of hours before (after many declarations of love for me) he decided to go back home again. What a head mash.
Oona your descriptions of the three responses describe so perfectly how I ended up that week. I was paralysed, the red flags were there, I could hear them and feel them and I knew what I should do – flight – but I found myself paralysed.
The rest of the week just played out with a daily encounter with exMOM where we’d agree we shouldn’t see each other again because we were both not dealing with our real problems. Then neither of us would be able to sit with our feelings when the other was so close and accessible. Weak and crap. Through talking things through he as good as admitted to kicking off the divorce drama to control both his wife and me – emotionally blackmail us both into doing what he wanted. She had been refusing to have therapy, and I had been refusing to see him because he was with her and he’d treated me so badly.
How did I feel during the week? Well, honestly, pain and desperation, and needing another hit from the drug to make me feel ok again. i felt dirty and used and like I’d let myself down very badly. I still feel like this.
So the realisations of this are:
1. NC is a bloody good idea and I’m so glad I’m home with several thousand miles between us again.
2. I have been focused far too much on getting over him rather than focusing on me.
3. This should probably be 1 – I must face my issues with my marriage, I need to really address the problems rather than just focusing on my self esteem issues and hoping it magically fixes itself. It won’t. The week has reminded me of what it is I’m really missing, someone who is interested in me and what I do and wants to talk to me about it and listen to me…and someone who treats me like I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. A relationship then. Don’t get me wrong, I can cope without a relationship, just if I’m in one I expect to have one.
4. I don’t want exMOM, despite how good some points are between us, the bad far outweighs the good for me, although when he’s in front of me I’m paralysed. Distance is so useful, it’s such a leveller.
So that’s me. I’m feeling absolutely terrible, but I’m sitting with the feelings and working through it. I realise you’re all going to be angry and disappointed with me and I deserve it, but it is what it is. I hope you don’t all desert me. I know I’ve done wrong, but I’m going to put it right. I have too.
Colly
You already know what to do. You had to give it one more go just to prove to yourself, finally, that it’s a dead loss to keep seeing this man.
Don’t beat yourself up too much, we’ve all done this before. Doing that walk of shame as you left, feeling like crap. You never have to do that again.
Relationship insanity, you stuck your hand in the fire and, guess what, it still burns. How many times have you been in the same situation with this man, did you really expect a different outcome.
Get a grip girl, it’s time to let this insanity go and start re-building your life the way YOU would like it.
@Gsil,
I have been reading BR for a while, but this is my first time commenting. I am in a very similar position and it hurts like hell. And I am that Impala that Oona describes. When I am ‘conscious’ I know that everything about this relatioshit is wrong but I can’t seem to act on the rational thoughts.
In a nutshell – I met A on a dating site 18 months ago. He is 50 and I’m 53, both single and live 3 miles apart in the UK. On paper he seemed perfect. We chatted for a week then made a date at a very nice riverside venue. I ‘confirmed’ on the day of the date and he said he couldn’t make it. No probs, I replied, perhaps another time. But he texted me later that week and I (in a weak moment) invited him to my home. And you can guess how the evening ended – so now I’ve ‘set out my stall’. After being single for SEVEN years I fell at the first hurdle – completely blinded by his looks, charm and my own stupid desires. Of course the Oxytocin kicked in and now I am hooked. And boy did he know how to keep me hooked with a few crumbs every now and then. But all the time still on the dating site.
He never took me out anywhere – not even for a coffee. He insisted I go to his place with a bottle of wine, takeaway and all by taxi there and back – never offering me any cash towards it and always getting the goodies too. I seemed unable to resist him and literally begged for scraps. Communication was of course all by text or messages on the dating site. If he thought I was too demanding he would block me or just completely ignore me. Every 3-4 weeks he would disappear from the site and then reappear and press ‘reset’ as if nothing had happened and we would continue this exhausting dance.
More recently he has been pushing me to do things that I am uncomfortable with but of course when I refuse he withdraws my ‘supply’ and then I relent again. Now he wants a threesome and I don’t. Because I keep refusing he is throwing his toys out of the pram. Calling me childish names, making personal verbal attacks and telling me it’s definitely over. My self-esteem is in the gutter. I have said and done things that make me shudder in hindsight but when I am in the grips of being ‘with’ him I seem to have no boundaries whatsoever. Tonight I told him it’s never going to happen and he hasn’t even hesitated and said goodbye. I expect he thinks I will give in again when he presses reset. But I can’t go on like this and need to stop this insanity.
Some background – EU father who had affairs throughout my parents marriage. Mum died at 49 of Breast Cancer (I was 21). My first relationship at 17 was with a control freak who sexually abused me repeatedly. Then 18 years of a yo-yo relationship with an EUM. A few other disasters then seven years alone and now this. Recovering from alcohol abuse and OCD issues too. But now I realise that I must be EU, a FBG and just as dumb as a box of rocks as I sit here checking my phone and watching him online. I have signed up for ‘getting out of stuck’ and all the posts/comments make perfect sense until he messages me again. Arrrgggghhhhhh
@Colly – the one thing that stuck out for me is your definition of a ‘relationship’ which was all about what you needed, someone to listen to you, and treat you as the most beautiful woman on earth. Problems with this?
1) setting up an impossible goal. Thereby making sure you fail, never find happiness, and can blame others.
2) setting up rage in others if they realize this is what you want. You are asking for something impossible, thereby telling your partner they will never be enough. They cannot make you happy, they are helpless, whatever they do will be inadequate because you want the moon.
3) no reciprocation. A relationship involves two people that enjoy each other, do things for each other, and accept each others failings at least a little. Two people that really see each other. Your definition is you being seen. Perhaps this is what led to your MOM relationship in the first place. You are not fully seeing your husband it seems, or your marriage – you see yourself and your needs. AND those needs seem unrealistic to me.
Are you in fact the most beautiful woman on earth? I know its important to have your partner treat you like that, but you are externalizing validation. That is not even unconditional love, that is just worship. What happens when you grow old? And do you treat anyone like that, the way you want to be treated? How is the most beautiful woman on earth to be treated? beauty has nothing to do with love – except that if someone loves you, and you love them, they will think you are the most beautiful because you are you.
Also, if your marriage is shaky and/or has had little investment from (both of) you then articulating such a definition of a relationship even if not openly, is unfair – to go from no investment in your marriage, in fact to having a relationship outside the marriage, to expecting your partner to see you as the most beautiful woman means you want to skip the bits in between – the bits where you eat crow, apologize, feel humble, take responsibility, invest in the marriage, come home early, communicate, compromise, have compassion, make amends, make dates, go to counseling, and whatever.
Your slip up with MOM should show you that he is cray cray. And he is not in a stable place – he seems to have been winding his spouse and you up, he comes to you beaten up (why not his brother, male friend, colleague whoever), and then goes back to his abusive partner. This is a sad situation. There is violence here now. This is reason #500 to back off.
Suki great observation and description – yes – Colly – do you validate yourself? Do you KNOW you are beautiful the most beautiful woman you have ever seen, are you interested in you and what you do and wants to listen to yourself AND talk about it?
Suki,
Thank you, this was a good jolt into consciousness for me. I really used the wrong word when I said “beauty”, what I really meant was to treat me as if I was the most important woman in their world – rather than the most beautiful. I think the word beauty came from my exMOM brainwashing last week, who does tell me how amazingly beautiful I am (and I think he should try some glasses :)). With my husband I have always felt I had to compete with his sister and mother, like they have always been put first.
I had never thought before about my expectations being unrealistic, which is an interesting line to pursue, but also a depressing one. I do wake up some days and think “Is this it then?”.
I am not seen in my marriage, but I don’t allow myself to be. I don’t really see my husband, and he doesn’t allow himself to be. I know things are better when my head isn’t full of exMOM and I can calm down a bit and put some effort in. I keep telling myself that I’m only going to get something out of my marriage if I put something in. What’s stopping me? Fear of being seen I think, fear of being out of control, fear of having to step forward and take some decisive action (in 100% or out 100%). I really am a useless coward.
I feel very sad for exMOM, I can see what a fix he’s in and it kills me him being in that violent situation.
Thanks for the feedback, it really helps me with perspective.
Colly,
You are not a useless coward. You were sucked into a vortex. You are expressive and thoughtful, but you have work to do, as do I, on UNWANTING this guy. UNWANT him, and make room to heal and want what is RIGHT for you, even if you don’t know exactly what that is. It’s not him.
Bellakins you are describing being in and out of the Lion Pit right now and…….surviving. I did this also for over forty years. You are a true warrior and have done more than well to survive! You have found this website – which is not paralysis – & this is where you become whole again – use all of BR’s older posts, click on the pink words to other linked posts and follow what ever trail leads you to feeling truly loved and cared for.
I can relate to your wanting to feel love – and that is never stupid – you just tried the wrong way, like a toddler learning to talk and not quite using the right sounds for a word and repeating it a few times – until now you are going to try a new way – would you beat a toddler up for getting it wrong and see them as dumb or stupid? Then don’t do it to yourself.
Over the next week, ask yourself, whether situations or people you encounter, are making you feel good during AND after being exposed to them?
…this is to work out who the REAL Lions are around you – and work out ways to safely walk away from ALL the ones who don’t make you feel good in both close and far proximity – be prepared for a high number.
In the meantime busy yourself looking for other ways than you are using currently to meet new people daily – meet up.com, volunteering for something etc… trying new things you have never tried before – that you’ve always wanted to do maybe but never got round to or dared to do them on your own.
I look forward to reading more from you as you get stronger and happier and feel more loving towards yourself. Watch out for a few knocks along the way – they are necessary to help you expand your thinking and learning – a bit like on the job training or like a toddler learning to walk – get back up and keep trying and eventually you will be able to do it all on your own. If you give up – you’ll never get what you really want. Good luck in your journey. I wish you lots of what ever it is you are really looking for.
Oona,
Thank you for your lovely response. It literally made me cry – and that is something that I have wanted to do over this relationshit – just cry. But the tears wouldn’t come and perhaps that’s been part of the problem too – that I have just been swallowing the feelings and trying to appear light and fluffy – the fun girl that he would love to have around. Compliant and up for anything. When in reality what I wanted was all the things NML talks about – Love, Care, Trust and Respect. But they were never on offer.
I have contacted my local volunteer bureau with a view to finding something to get my teeth into and I start a new 12 week art course in 10 days time. So these things will hopefully stop me ruminating and cyber-stalking him too. I’ve just got to be strong when he presses ‘reset’ and ignore him. I know NC is the way to go to heal. I will try.
I have survived some awful things in the past but this seems so painful and raw at the moment. It seems to be my epiphany relationshit and has re-opened all those old wounds. And my 2 dearest friends are doing their best to be supportive but they are (quite rightly) fed-up of hearing about him.
I will keep reading everything I can and try to process these feelings as I go. I feel just like a toddler – having to learn (or rather re-learn) the basics. But unlike a toddler I don’t have that naive optimism and lack of fear of making (even more) mistakes. At least I know I am in a safe place here.
Everyone’s comments and experiences are so valuable. Just got to soak it all up like a sponge.
Bellakins,
I’ve read your comment and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Parts of your story (including family history and abusive relationships) sounds exactly like mine. Except I did this for YEARS. There are many many women here who understand what you are going through, who have been in the same exact spot and who made it to the other side. You can do it. When you make it there, you’ll be in good company. There’s self-acceptance there, new friends and better relationships. I hope to get there sometime soon too. Maybe I’ll see you on the other side too? 😉
You do not give yourself enough credit. And you slam yourself for the mistakes you’ve made (and it seems like even for future mistakes) too hard. Please understand that you WILL BE making mistakes in the future. It never stops. But the point is not to make THE SAME mistakes with THE SAME PEOPLE. Do you know what I mean? It means not going to your EUM hoping you can explain it to him better and he’ll change, no waiting for him to realize how good and accepting and easy peasy you are etc.
Also, please do NOT ask for very little. This is my latest task for myself as well. In personal relationships, asking for what I want. And not for the 0.99% percent of what I want.
I wanted to comment about that mention you mentioned. I have so many similar stories 🙂 But I realized it’s so not worth it. Bellakins, this “man” is a tiny dustmite, so not worthy of your attention. Just step over him. YOU are the one who holds the magnifying glass and makes him into a giant (and his penis too!).
NML has many deep posts about how to change our mental processes and how to move one effectively. The wise ladies here also mentioned a few books that are really helpful to me personally at the moment (gotta love the community around this website!).
I personally see nothing bad in sex only arrangements. But this is not what is happening here. You are bending backwards trying to get satisfaction from this arrangement that YOU personally will only get from a man who will go miles for your attention, whose pleasure will be to see you happy and smiling at his stupid jokes and who will fight to earn your trust and space in your schedule. I understand feeling lonely and wanting some action. But this exchange is not benefiting you. You are giving him your arm and he gives you some scraps of dust. You are not equals in this arrangement. He also does not care about you at all.
I really like what Oona has written above. It also reminded me of this very simple yet effective visualisation: try to calm down and imagine what it feels like to BE LOVED. not the physical aspect of it. not sex, or gifts, or dates or even being touched. But how it makes you feel INSIDE when you are loved. Some of us might realize we do not even know how it feels. Some have very little experience with this. But try to imagine how it’d feel to know you are loved. Stay within this feeling. Breathe. Remember it.
Measure your experiences against it. You know love. This man is not love. He’s a waste of your time and your light.
@Why,
Thank you so much for your lovely response.
I really laughed about the magnifying glass and making him look like a giant – because he isn’t very tall and certainly not well-endowed (not like that matters – but you know what I mean).
When I got to the part about what it feels like to BE LOVED I burst into tears. Apart from my late Mum (who died when I was 21) I have never been loved by anyone. My Dad might say it occasionally but usually in the middle of a sentence where he’s talking about himself, his past conquests and how he’s ‘still got it’ – he’s 83!
I’ve never had a ‘normal’ romantic relationship. I appreciate that many ladies (and guys) have arrived here at BR because of AC’s or EU’s but along the way they have had healthy relationships that for whatever reason have ended. That has not been my experience and although I see friends with mutual, respectful unions I just can’t seem to achieve that. Mostly because I attract what I believe I am worth I suppose.
My first boyfriend (at age 17) who literally sexually abused the life right out of me used to say that I was ‘ruined, worthless and that nobody would want me’ after he had finished with me. Of course my rational brain knows that is not true – about anyone. No one is worthless. But the shame I felt made me believe it and it’s been difficult to shake.
Years later – when I told my Dad what he had done to me he replied ‘why are you telling me this? I told you I didn’t like him!’ No comfort, reassurance or kindness. So it just re-enforced ‘my value’ as far as I was concerned.
I have had some therapy and hope to start CBT soon if the funding is approved by my healthcare provider.
So, in context of this post, I AM still standing and hope to go on to stand taller with all your support (thank you NML and all contributors).
Colly, Pauline is right – if someone YOU cared for came to you and said the same things happened as you have said – would you really reject and hate them? – or feel relief/care for them that the wool has been taken out of their eyes, once again? It is a privilege to help someone.
You are working out YOUR VALUES and that is Great news – the focus on your self and your self esteem AND these horrible experiences helps you to see your values more clearly and what your role is in it all and it takes time to unravel it all when its been hidden for so long.
What it is you REALLY need in a partner?
– not just what the wrapping is but the inside present is how they make you really feel.
I got into relationships for years and years, one after the other with no idea what I really wanted, emotionally or how to achieve it or even how to reject what didn’t for-fill me at all – all those teen mags and feminist + not so feminist 80s tv focus on talking about safe sex WITHOUT talking about real relationships and what they really were – were a waste of time on me at best and dangerous at their worst – I focused on their advice – had plenty of safe sex and totally side lined the whole relationship thing.
Well now I KNOW and I won’t waste another second as an impala deer for any Lion – I don’t care how beautiful they are. I am not saying it is wrong to be an impala – I am saying that once you realize that is what is going on it is a clear sign the object of your attention is a dangerous Lion who wants to eat you and cause you pain and I wouldn’t throw myself to the Lions again for anything.
Hi Oona,
I did the same too. I dated with no purpose, no idea of what I was doing nor what I really wanted. I now realized that is the reason why I’ve never had a healthy relationship. Some of them started out really well, but I think I was emotionally immature for the kind of relationship that goes the distance. I’ve also chosen men that couldn’t give me the love and relationship that I yearned for.
Well, congrats for coming out the other end with enough clarity to see where things are at now. You definitely sound like you’ve grown in this situation, despite the set backs. Good work for recognizing what you need to do next. Now to set about doing it, hey? we haven’t and won’t abandon you Colly. I’m just happy to hear you are all right. Some of my lowest moments came after interactions like this. good luck the next couple days. You deserve so much more than this! Let yourself have it by breaking contact and moving on…
Leanne and Oona,
Thank you, feels so much better to not be alone in this. I feel so disappointed in myself, and so sad for exMOM in his situation too. I can’t feel the anger right now because I know what a bad place he’s in. Its all very tragic this mess.
Colly, I kind of figured you didn’t really mean ‘beautiful’ – I just wanted to write you that in that it might help you orient outward, see yourself and your situation from different perspectives.
Its so sad to see you write that you dont think you and your husband want to be seen by the other – that sounds like EU doesnt it? We always see EU as someone that has hurt us so we tend to blame and fume. But at heart EU can mean fear of vulnerability and fear of letting yourself say ‘I’m scared of putting myself out there and dealing with conflict and dealing with loss and feeling things at all’.
MOM is not about ‘feeling’, its about avoiding feelings with distractions. A huge red flag is always always if the guy says you’re the most beautiful esp if he hardly knows you — so if I gain 20 pounds do you still love me? I think when a guy says that they’re also telling you – dont be real, dont be yourself, dont be messy because hey, you’re the most beautiful! dont fight, dont call me out, dont get angry etc etc. Its a shallow attempt at controlling the relationship.
So, now, how do you go about seeing yourself?
First, you can take an outsider perspective. Dont assume that ‘i feel x’, tell yourself ‘here is a feeling of x’. That is a subtle shift but over time it helps you see that you dont have to always be inside your own head. Second, read Brene Brown and others on vulnerability – this will help, trust me. Third, start seeing yourself. Find people that see you, even the little bits of you and spend more time with them. They dont have to see all of you, but they should be the person that when they see whatever part of you, they really SEE you the way you want to be seen. I have work friends that see this one bit of my work really well, and I hang out with them over coffee so that that part of me is seen (otherwise I would feel like I am working in an empty forest).
Finally, wait and see how your husband reacts. Have some compassion for him, if he is also EU. He hangs on to his mother and sister for there of course he is safe – there are messier reasons, co-dependence, neediness – but this is one of the reasons. Blood family is forever. Over time, your husband and you will either find a way to see each other – or not. But the first step is for you to see yourself. Because regardless if he is in your life or not, you need to see yourself. In fact, everything with MOM is you trying desperately not to see. you need to tell yourself that its safe to see, that you can handle it, that you’re strong enough.
Suki,
EU is definitely about fear for me, of conflict, abandonment, rejection, life…same for my husband too. We never argue, ever, I wish we would sometimes. I grew up in a family where the only discussion of feelings ever was my mother lashing out at me with her hot temper and sometimes violence. I can’t remember the last time I was hugged by my parents, must be 30 years ago now. So, lots of good reasons why I’m such a wreck.
I understand how MOM is avoidance not feeling, though it feels like feeling to me – not all good feelings by any stretch.
I will take your advice on board and try it. I’ve been in counselling for a year and although I’ve got a greater understanding of me (though more from this site than that), I haven’t been able to action anything.
Funny about the red flag with beauty. MOM tells me I’m like a supermodel (I in no way am), but I know his wife is a larger lady and he likes to tell me how much more attractive I am (and smarter and funnier and kinder). I wonder if its a bit of a control mechanism over me because I am a decade older than him and do feel ancient sometimes. Who knows?
I should feel angry at him for sweeping in and dumping and charging up again, but I just feel so stupid and weak that I didn’t resist.
Thanks for your advice
So helpful! Thank you Oona.
I had experienced confusion over someones behavior over the weekend. It happened the last time I saw them too. Rejecting behavior. I get the feeling they want me to chase them or I’m somehow not doing something “right”. I’m taking the hint and staying very far away from them.
Oona thanks for this, it is a really helpful comment to me! I am in a therapeutic healing process (i.e my life since I had an emotional breakdown in my 20s sparked by a bad relationship and family troubles and abandonment issues from childhood) and I always find I need to keep a check of my emotional status.. I try everything to keep in touch with my authentic self and I think after years of work and practice I have made considerable progress, but there is always possibility of relapsing. As Natalie.L always say’s it is important to remember you have got your own back this time around and that is a very important and empowering thing to me, to be reminded that I can choose not to be mistreated! Also she say’s that similar or old situations may occur time and again, maybe with different people, but you have a choice as to how you Respond to these situations and that is very reassuring to me too, because it is the idea of there’s no going back, once you are on this journey and this path, you can only get stronger not weaker, ever again!.. I hope this is true for all of us.
Thanks for your advice about emotional trauma, I always learn something new here! x
Very wise words Natalie! Not only am I still standing, I am also much stronger. I have becoming fearless, not because I am unaware of the possible danger lurking around, but because I trust myself to take care of me. I now practice living with my values. I speak up and standing up for myself and beliefs consistently. I want that to become second nature to me, I stopped second guess myself. I go for what I want, and if I fail, I look back on the experience, and reevaluate my strategies for the next time that I try. As my very witty 26 years old cousin recently said, “only a fool trips over something that is behind them”. I’ve lost people that were dear to me before, I mourned them and allowed myself time to heal. I wasn’t always loving/respectful towards me, I learned my lessons where they are applicable, and I moved on. I am not scarred.
I enjoy greatly taking care of my needs and responsibilities such as paying the bills, digging the car out of the snow, etc. Does that mean I cannot enjoy a healthy relationship in which a man wants to share/lighten up the loads for me? Not at all, it simply means that I am happy and grateful that I can do those things for myself. Life is good.
That’s great truthinclarity – I can relate – I actually get a real kick out of paying for a roof over my head every month on the first, eating good home cooked food and getting the washing up done first thing every morning – how daft is that! – all the things I used to hate or dread for years – but like you I discovered taking care of your own needs and responsibilites is an truly empowering and loving experience.
I must be daft too, Oona, ’cause I enjoy those same things. I also have discovered how empowering and self loving it is to focus and care for my own needs and responsibilities. My home is my sanctuary. It’s amazingly simple once you become aware of it!
Amen to that, ladies.
+1 in your club.
Pauline,
Thank you, I never expected a different outcome, it was all very predictable, just I suppose I hadn’t given up that small glimmer of hope. Hope for what though? I’m sure it’s only because I want some justification for my own shadiness. Still hurts like hell though, I really need to understand why I’m still allowing myself to be used as a buffer. I hadn’t laid eyes on this guy in seven months and had been completely NC for a month. Not long enough and I knew it wasn’t.
Could this all have been avoided? You know I don’t think it could entirely because I know he would have hunted me down whatever. He told me he would have done too. I guess I could have just slammed the door in his face but I just couldn’t do it with him stood there with a black eye and a bleeding face. He told me he never would have been brave enough to leave without me to come to – only he did go back after two hours so personally I don’t count that as leaving.
Anyway, I have lots of work to do on myself and my marriage and I’ve got to try and make this my focus. I’ll get there, I don’t feel like I’m back to square one at all, just a setback and a valuable reminder of why I’m better off without him. It is really hard though, very very painful.
Colly
I understand that small glimmer of hope all too well. Every time I saw the AC I hoped he was going to be different this time but he never was, always the same asshole and nothing changed. I realised I couldn’t keep doing this to myself, wishing and hoping and the end came one day when we were at the beach. I knew I would be wasting my time forever and for what. An asshole who didn’t love me and never would.
I was his fallback girl who never said no and a lot of his bad treatment came from his lack of respect because I put up with all his crap without so much as a ‘hang on there what the hell do you think you are doing’.
I know it hurts Colly but he keeps turning up because you let him, you don’t say NO. This is where we make our big mistake with these guys.
Do I detect that you feel a bit sorry for him? Turning up with a black eye and a bleeding face would be disturbing for anyone let alone you in such a vulnerable position.
You may find it very hard to get rid of this guy, he uses your affection and the fact that you never say no to keep a foothold in your life, he can run back to good old Colly anytime for a shoulder to lean on even after 7 months of no contact.
7 MONTHS????
He’s so sure that you will always be there. WHY are you still there?
How will you ever get your marriage back on track (if that’s what you would like to do) if this dude will never GO AWAY.
How will you ever meet another man if this dude will never GO AWAY.
Cut.Him.Off. Or you will never be free of this emotional leech who is sucking the life out of you.
Hi Pauline,
He’s hard to get rid of and the reappearances somehow feed the glimmer of hope, even though it always ends up the same way. I wish it would go, intellectually I understand this completely, and most of the time now I feel it, but get me at a low ebb and in need of some escape and good sense flies out the window.
He comes back to me because I don’t say no, although I have been saying no for the last few weeks, and honestly only this domestic violence situation made me crack. Hence, I believe half of this was a calculated risk/plan to play both me and his wife into his hands. The domestic violence was known to me, but I had never seen it before for real – both me and others on here had suggested it was an untruth – it wasn’t.
This time he said he would not have walked out if I had not been there to go to. That he could maybe have gone to see a friend but knew that I was someone who really cared and that was what he needed.
I do have to cut him off, and do want to because I’m sick of being used.
Hi Ms. Colly,
The way you have described it his pregnant wife (I think you said she was pregnant-forgive me if this is not the case) beat him like a prize fighter. You had to be so afraid when you saw his bloody face and black eye. How do you know his wife gave him this brutal beating? If she did do it. What if she finds out about you sleeping with her husband and gives you the same kind of beating? How would you explain this to your husband that a married man’s wife gave you a beating?
Are you fearful that your husband will discover all the games going on behind his back and be devastated? You say your husband doesn’t see you in the marriage. I bet he would be hurt. It seems like you are now putting yourself in harms way. Find a way to find peace that will not destroy anyone else or put you into a dangerous situation.
Have you wondered what his real intention was coming to your hotel bloody? Someone said it so well -he could have gone to a brother or a cousin. If I were a man and wanted some goodies I might come by bloody and get my goodies. Sounds like he needed an emergency room. You said you hadn’t seen him in awhile. As Suki said this is cray cray. Games. Games. Suki has given you some wonderful advice about investing in your family. Please heed that advice.
Please tell this rat to go home and take care of his beautiful BRIDE. He saw her like this when she walked down the aisle and became his wife. He took vows with this woman and now he is running around the hotel like a rat showing off his wounds. Send him home if he ever approaches you again. I bet his poor wife is posting about her pain some place just like BR the real story at their home. This is so SAD.
I was engaged to a rat who was running around hotel floors. When I found out I let him GO. Your husband is probably blind like me. Just sitting there quiet before the EXPLOSIION. BOOM. Colly it is so painful to find out you are being deceived. Thank you for sharing this story. My eyes are OPEN. I thank God he was only a fiancé because if I had a husband doing this- he would get an express DIVORCE. GAMES. GAMES. GAMES.
Let that man Go.
Mary Jane
Heard and acknowledged, and I’m not proud. He is gone and there are several thousand miles between us that prevent anything further.
Hi Ms. Colly,
Look at this article. You may like some of these helpful tips.
http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2008/05/10-steps-to-end-an-affair.html
Thanks Mary Jane, I didn’t sleep with him this last time I saw him btw, I refused. Honestly though it’s the emotional/mental rather than physical that is the most dangerous and corrosive in this case. Though actually I found I hardly spoke to him about anything to do with me, I just listened and didn’t want to tell him anything about me. So really every part of my body was telling me I didn’t want to be there, but somehow I still was.
Colly
You really need to stay away from this man and go no contact all the way.
This domestic violence situation with his wife is very disturbing and is not something you want to get involved with in any way.
Make no mistake, if his wife finds out about you she will have a easy target, you will get the blame for everything and lover boy will let it happen. Guaranteed!
There is also something very wrong with this scenario of him turning up on your doorstep all beaten and bloody, has a good cry on your shoulder while you mop up the blood and then goes back to his wife a couple of hours later.
If this has happened many times before with his wife getting violent and attacking him, do you know why or do you only get his version of events.
There is no way you can verify the truth about anything he tells you unless you have a mutual friend/s who know about your affair and can confirm what he says.
Other than that, you’re a SECRET and you are totally on the outside of his life. You aren’t included in anything.
This is starting to sound like a scene he put on for your benefit showing up at your hotel in that bloody beaten condition and scaring you half to death. Then brave Horatio leaves and goes back into the fray?
And you’re the only person he can confide in and who really cares about him.
What a crock Colly.
The whole thing stinks like week old fish.
He shouldn’t be bringing all his problems to you and involving you in this very disturbing domestic violence and difficult marriage he is currently in.
This is all about him.
Be thankful that he is several thousand miles away and can’t just turn up whenever he feels like it.
You can get through this, blocking him and maintaining strict NC is the only way to go for your own peace of mind.
Have a great family holiday and enjoy yourself, it’s allowed.
Pauline
I agree he is a player that needs leaving alone. It’s only today the full horror of what happened has sunk in, I think I’ve been in shock.
Thank you
How exactly is he “hard to get rid of”? You said you don’t live together. You’ve said he lives in another city, now “thousands of miles” away from you. He’s not actually in your life. He lives with his wife, not you.
Occasional contact for work reasons will continue until you begin to look for another job, but he is not someone to “get rid of” when he’s not physically around you. How exactly did he know which hotel you were staying at? Did you tell him? If so, why? If he just showed up, why did you open the door to him?
Crystal,
It’s the only hotel our company uses in the town. He was lurking in the shadows in the lobby. I was not difficult to find.
Colly you hadn’t given up the glimmer (read raging fire) of hope that what he would walz in and throw you up on his white charger and ride off with you into the sunset (read fantasy illusion)………….. meaning you never had to do the hard work of finding out who you really are (read someone wonderful) and what you really want (read something truly wonderful) and what you really need (read something you actually deserve to have). Yep tough that one. Its always going to be better to be able to blame someone else for being no good and then yourself for putting up with them in the first place.
Colly why are you not only blatently putting your marriage in serious danger but also putting yourself further on the backburner with hope for a fantasy relationship? When you know the answer to the above you will have the key to why you repeat this cycle over and over. Ask yourself where else have you experienced these non committal relationships in your life?
Oona,
I grew up in a completely EU family, like really EU. I was reading about being a Buffer on here last night, like why did I find it acceptable for someone to bad mouth their partner and keep secrets from them with me? I had a revelation that this was what my mother did with me as a teen. I remember feeling uncomfortable about it but that at least she was giving me her attention and that I must be special and loved after all.
Sadly, I think I just don’t know any different.
So how do you get to a place where you convert knowledge into forward action? I struggle so much with this. I can analyse to death and can identify patterns all over, just how do I move forward, how can I stop being so afraid?
Wow, I’m just a bag of nerves today, anxiety is extreme. I’m all flight today!
I have a two weel family holiday starting next week. Its very necessary, and I’m hoping given some time to calm down and get into myself again and spend time with my family will get me back on track.
I can relate, Colly. Were you also the peacemaker, messenger?
Veracity
Hmm, wasn’t enough expression in my family to have to be a peacemaker or messenger. Although perhaps my academic success gave them a focal point away from each other.
Who on earth walks around with a bleeding face? Actual abuse victims tend to hide the evidence of physical assault, they don’t flaunt it. He could very well have cut his own face up just before arriving at your door. The black eye could have been fake. Very easy to create that illusion with drugstore makeup.
Yes, he told you his wife hit him. He is also a known liar and he already admitted he was and is manipulating both you and his wife.
And on the off chance it was real, for all you know, the “black eye” was given to him by the husband of another woman who he’s sleeping with. Or a friend he lied to. Or his wife’s brother who knows he’s cheating on her.
You’ve been given a lot of advice here over time and have taken about none of it. Coming back with the self-criticism and then having people disagree with your negative self-talk. Must be very validating. It’s very straightforward what you can do to change your situation. As I suggested before, tell this guy you’re getting a divorce and want to be with him. He will leave you alone then. Your appeal to him is that you are available to him when he wants you to be, not on a daily basis. He will focus on his other mistresses when you tell him you want to be with him only.
You can also come clean to your husband. Let him initiate the divorce so you can spend your time to get yourself and your child into proper therapy. You are teaching your child about relationships by your own behaviour. Without therapeutic intervention, she will end up a cheater like you, or a chump like your husband. You think she doesn’t know about you. She does.
Can you not take the time you spend on this site and the time you waste thinking about your ex-lover, and instead focus on your child’s welfare and future? Does it always have to be about you? Don’t you care about how your daughter will end up? Sure, it’s easy to say you do. But your actions on her behalf are all that matter, and they’ve been pretty poor up to now. Between juggling a spouse and a lover, no cheater ever pays enough attention to their own children. I feel sorry for her.
Crystal
I am painfully aware of my shortcomings and the damage I’m doing. I feel terrible about my daughter and thankful she is far too young to know. I never feel validated by anything. Perhaps her, everyone else in my life and the world is better off without me in it. I appreciate you’re all sick of me so I’ll refrain from posting in future.
Thanks for your past support
Colly,
You have received some straightforward responses to your post. You are hurting and not able to process your situation rationally. He is emotionally manipulating you. I have to agree that it MAY not have been his wife who inflicted injuries on him, so perfectly timed with your cross country arrival. If she DID, it almost seems too perfectly orchestrated. Regardless, he is trying to manipulate you. You expressed you are not “happy” in your marriage. I’m sure you love your daughter, but you will be MORE available to her when you overcome your hurt. We’ve ALL made poor decisions. It can feel impossible to cut the emotional ties with someone that we are attached to, but we are WRONGLY attached. UNWANT him Colly. UNWANT HIM and WANT YOUR OWN LIFE. You can’t escape the unhappiness in your own life, but you can face it. But you need to UNWANT HIM. You can do it and you’re worth it!
Sorry Crystal, lashing out at the world today, you know my faults.
Hello Colly,
I think you may need a yoga class, meditation, massage or something relaxing to calm down. Here is an article that has some tips to calm down. Don’t deal with crumbs. Crystal has given you some sound advice to really think about.
Note to Self- Contact Crystal when I need support (smile).
Enjoy your vacation with your FAMILY.
Been away for some time Nat, life is cheery and this is another great read Nat. I like to get that reminder that being EA means not getting stuck in the knocked down story, that ‘standing’ really means knowing that it’s my own feet I’m standing on not the feet of the woman in the ‘story’. To be able to stand up whilst being EA – real and vulnerable living by respect, trust, care and love for myself and others.
Colly,having read your story from earlier on, I just want to say this: If you really want to change and come into yourself and really ‘be’ yourself then you need to act. Have an honest conversation with yourself…then have it with your husband. Experience the consequences of your actions. You owe this to yourself and your also husband deserves honesty not this continual betrayal. After that then you will experience what it feels like to get back up and be standing on your own feet and in your own skin. Life will get better for you because you will have shared something real and have been real with yourself. Be real Colly, get real. You could at any time have prevented the outcome of this trip by taking protective actions (staying NC, not letting him know where you were staying etc). Don’t distract yourself with negative self talk and blame, just get real with yourself and get on the BS diet.
And I want to second both Crystal’s and Mary Jane’s responses to you.
Colly – crystal is right about telling your AC that you are getting a divorce and want to be with him. He will bolt like his pants are on fire! At least that is what my AC did. Right before I left he told me he would be the most devoted man in the world if I left. I left and all the sudden he wasn’t sure and had a new girlfriend…. and it was my fault for taking too long to leave… That’s why I missed out on his love of a lifetime. Then he asked to borrow 11 k while still dating his new love but that’s a story for another time. But seriously… Tell him you want to be with him and you will find out where his interests REALLY lie.
Nat… What a great article. I love your site, it has helped me so much. Many days I just wallow in shame of how I embarrassed myself with this AC and threw away my marriage. But I am still standing and still learning. I won’t make the same mistakes again. Every day I get a little better. Thank you so much for the site and the words of wisdom!
Great post, Natalie.
I was saying to someone today that I don’t think I would want to repeat the last 3 or 4 years of my life. Neither my job, nor the MM relationship.
I know I learnt from it all, but I could have done without the struggles (bullying at work, being put down further and further until my confidence was so broken…. it was no wonder the MM relationship seemed so appealing, my self esteem could not have been much lower..but it did!)
But at the time that I did the best I could (I love where I live and have wonderful international friends outside work: I didn’t want to leave my town, I didn’t want to accept defeat, I wanted to learn and grow, even at 40 yrs old). Ended with MM (after he treated me even worse I had no choice) and my job contract is ending in 6 mths time anyway.
I spend a lot of time wanting external RECOGNITION for ‘still standing’. For still being here, joking, laughing, good humoured, doing a great job at work. Not sure from whom: friends, work, anyone. On bad days I want to scream (usually at my boss)
” Ive gone through so much! Dont you realise? Its a miracle Im still here, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for treating me so badly! Im single, looking for a new job because this one is ending, I deserve CREDIT. Just the fact I come in every day is a gold star, you guys are so awful to work with!”.
A colleague had a series of one night stands 2 yrs ago, which strangely led to a very public semi breakdown and colleagues rally round her when she cries (which is regularly) saying shes doing so well. No one does that to me. I think people assume I am already strong, and dont need that.
I need to not get frustrated that I don’t get recognition or support or the pat on the back. Just like we all say about our EUMs or MMs: why do we need praise and affirmation from people we dont even really like or respect?
I do still feel a bit miffed and disappointed though. Im trying to change that into feeling proud of myself, without caring about everyone else.
I have a job interview tomorrow, and not feeling confident, when I ought to be. Im doing positive self talk for the next 18 hours!
Mephista had great advice, so my comment is more of moral support and encouragement.
You have gone through a lot and it’s understandable that you feel “miffed and disappointed”! Good for you for getting out there and being proactive and looking for another job now.
Good luck in your interview! I recently heard about positive priming and I wonder if it would help you with your confidence during your interview. I’ve attached a link to an article that explains it.
I’m going to practice it myself to get myself out of my current anxiety and back in the interviewing frame of mind.
I am having a hard few days, work-wise. I also still get emails from the EU maybe-relationship definite-pain-in-the-ass guy from last year – group emails. I havent seen him for a long time because we were both busy and I try to avoid him. But it still feels bad. I want nothing to do with him. He’s a huge flirt, he has something to prove viz me, and viz others – so I know I’ll have to see him hit on other people, but then again its not like I didn’t already see that at the worst possible time and I’m still standing.
He’s not just a future faker, he’s kind of a faker per se. But he’s quite adored I think. I have to say its not that I dont have friends, or that I am not liked. I have, I am, I do. And the people I like and actually seek out – I met none of them through his group. So leaving his group has actually been far easier than I thought – I was afraid that I’d be lonely but in fact I hit a moment with other people that my social life is just fine really. Its better than when I was hanging out with him. Partly I was always in his group because of him, as he sorted out his red flag feelings, hit on other people, hit on me, blew hot and cold – and so to some extent they were including me for him while never really knowing me and never knowing if i was or was not his gf. I know there was lots of speculation. I dont see them by themselves any of them and thats telling – and I dont try very hard to see them either. I dont feel strong enough to face him and others sometimes, and I think thats resilience too – I accept that, I dont feel bad that I miss out on group events for that reason. I protect myself. Knowing when to back off is also resilience.
And I am still standing. I was also told in therapy to think about resilience and what makes you resilient. Because as I talked about myself and what I was going through and where I’ve come from, the therapist was like look you aren’t doing that badly really considering this background. So think about where you get the energy from when you do immense things, and when you suck it up and keep on keeping on.
Don’t avoid group events.
Do what you want to do, regardless of him/his presence.
At the next group event, if others are taking dates with them, you should, too. Even a guy-friend.
Even if you feel that you don’t have top prove anything to him (and you don’t–we all know this), sometimes, when a guy acts like this, you need to SHOW that you are, in fact, moving on.
Icantbelieve … I was in a very similar situation a few months ago, did a great job but was vaguely bullied, expected to work instead of some other people in my group who took credit for my work and was intentionally prevented to take up things which would help me get a promotion so I could continue to be a cheap workhorse. Then I realised that the relationship with my boss was identical to my usual romantic relationships – no committment, bs-itting, resetting and future faking, me pleasing my boss as a child pleases a parent … And then I went and found myself a much better job. There’s a lot of people pleasing in your post, frustrated for not geting recognition and pat on the back etc. Obviously, you’ve realised you aren’t being appreciated despite your best efforts. Now you can continue to lose time and try to please the unpleasables or you can find an employer who’ll appreciate you and believe me, there’re many of them. The good sign is that you’re applying for a new job. I won’t lie to you, I still get angry when I think how badly exploited I was and taken for a fool but I try to control such thoughts. I can’t change what happened, I did gain very valuable work experience and I don’t want to lose any more of my time on them but want to build and plan a better future for myself, including being very careful with my people pleasing tendencies. Do take Nat’s course on people pleasing and stop losing your time and emotional energy on who appreciates you, not worth it. You appreciate yourself by stopping working for those morons. Good luck tomorrow!
Mephista and anyone else that has any advice to share.
I experienced severe bullying, sexual harassment and humiliation from my past employers. I see my part in it – I was a overly responsible, conscientious, people-pleaser to the extreme. I tried to (and sometimes succeeded to) meet their unrealistic expectations. I was acting like a helpless, dependent child. Acting out old stuff – family patterns. I was afraid of saying no – setting limits. Once I did start setting limits, they got way worse. They are small companies with no HR.
Unfortunately, they were not happy that I chose to leave. They lost their…? They are now punishing me and attempting to still control me (and to a certain extent, are succeeding) by trying to blackball me. They are making up lies to make me look bad to keep me from getting another job.
I feel so stuck (helpless/powerless) to protect myself from their lies. I know I cannot control what they say/do, and I want to come up with an effective defense against their attacks. It’s a pretty standard rule/guideline not to say anything bad about our former employer’s in interviews or we come become suspect – and I understand that.
Does anyone know of a good way to approach this situation? I think if I come up with an effective strategy to deal with this concern about them ‘poising the well’, I will feel much more confident in my search for an employer.
It almost feels like a waste of time to interview, but I don’t want to give them that power/control over me! I also feel somewhat ambivalent because I’m concerned about attracting a similar situation in the next employer, so perhaps I’m not ready yet. I have been working very hard on myself and recognizing my part in it. I feel like I do have some control over that – at least the stuff I’m conscious of. I’m also very selective on where I apply. Larger firms with a great reputation (and an HR department!).
Just thinking about it I feel very anxious.
Any insights on this would be greatly appreciated.
Veracity
Oops…poisoning the well
Hi Veracity,
Over the years I’ve had a few (three come to mind) positions with small, private, family owned companies. While there were certain perks, I have also experienced significant negative outcomes like being with the owner in the office alone when he had to put his hand on mine to help me guide the mouse because verbal directions of where to click next would not work? Anyhow, no witnesses, I was going through a divorce and needed to maintain employment. I have other, worse examples, but for now, just wanted you to know that I’ve been there. My advice is GET OUT when there is trouble, because you will never be right. Will a new place have a BOD? personnel manual? Whistle-blower policy? Life is much better career-wise. Although I am at a small organization, there is a BOD and ethics. Good that you have this awareness!
Hi Say Something,
Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice! I do think it likely happens more often in smaller organizations. The new place will have policies in place to help protect me. BOD = Board of Directors?
Yes Veracity,
And I love Mephista’s comparison to EU. So true. When I was first pregnant and received medical advice that it was time to stop work (dangerously high blood pressure), I didn’t because my little employer neeeded me. I ended up hospitalized with Pre-eclampsia. They continued calling me while I was in the hospital until the medical staff cut calls off. (before cell phones) I didn’t know about US disability laws, and that 6 weeks off postpartum was standard. I’d told my employer I’d come back in 2 weeks, part-time. Then a discharge nurse informed me of my rights, which I politely attempted to exercise with my employer, and cited it was a simple oversight that maybe they just weren’t aware of. I was making excuses for THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR. The day before my return, I was called and told not to come in because my computer was broken and they’d let me know when it was fixed. Of course, that call never came. Same people that lavished me with baby gifts in the hospital weeks earlier and depended on me. Yep. Well, there is more, and that was life changing, but I did learn. EU-like, yes!
Hi Veracity, believe me, I know all too well what you’re going through and how you feel now. I don’t want to write novels here but vicious bullying at one of my previous jobs eg. left me on medication for high blood pressure. My last job wasn’t that bad but I described above how it was. My last boss also wasn’t happy to let me go (in fact, she cried, tears! Can you imagine? But still had “nothing to offer me” after all those bombastic “you’re going to have such a great career here”). Of course, there’s been a series of previous, similarly c++++y jobs. At some point I was concerned that there was something really very wrong with me despite one of my ex-bosses not having a job anymore (he was told to go because of a customer grievance, bluffed his way to another, even better job where he quickly unravelled, was told to go and now is nowhere to be seen, perhaps even unemployed), another one was told to go after being found guilty of misconduct and harrassing his ex-boyfriend, and my last workplace is according to a very well informed person from its inner circle going to the dogs (this happens when you get rid of two most productive employees).
I’d realised that the reasons for all these events were (the same as in your case) because I cared too much for my job and took it personally + I always took blame for the things that weren’t my fault and blamed myself for practically everything. Now I hope I’m a bit wiser but have to tell you that even though I think I brought many things into awareness I still struggle with my people pleasing tendencies, over-eagerness etc. So, it’s not a one-off epiphany after which we all ride happily into a sunset but a constant process of observing myself, being aware and gathering courage to assert boundaries. Also, if this is of any consolation to you, I don’t believe that you start asserting yourself at your old job and everybody starts respecting your new boundaries. Sorry, doesn’t really happen. It’s like saying you start behaving differently and EUM changes into a completely different person, and a ring and 2 babies later, you live happily ever after. Sure (s)he does. Re jobs, far more likely there’s more pressure because people want to bully you back into your old pleasing self to continue to exploit you but you can’t be in such (working) relationship anymore so you leave. I think you’re doing the right thing, applying for other jobs.
Now as to your blackballing problem. I think you’re both hyper-vigilant (which is a consequence of bullying) and see things which might not be there, but might also be right, your old employer might be trying to blackball you. If you work in a wide field then it doesn’t really matter because you’ll be relatively unknown person to your potential future employer. So, they’ll judge you on your experience, CV and interview. Make sure your CV is shinning and all experience accounted for, these three things are the only thing you have complete control over. You can’t control what your ex-company says about you but if you’d worked for them long and they badmouth you then it’s actually a bad point for your ex-company. If you were that bad they’d had let you go ages ago. Also, believe me, many know how to read CVs, including between the lines.
If you work in a narrow field then it can potentially be a problem if your ex-company spreads lies about you. However, remember two things, that in a narrow field your potential employer is far more likely to know both you and your ex-company: you as a competent person and your ex-employer as a bunch of morons. People often don’t say much but this doesn’t mean that they don’t notice. I was very suprised when I realised how many even apparently unrelated people knew what kind of place was my ex-very bullying place.
To draw this analogy again, you’re behaving like with EUMs. You’re concerned about your reputation and what he’s saying and lying around about you. It’s far more likely that a vast majority of people think that you finally got rid of that ass+++e and have known for long what a liar and a cheat he is. The same goes for ex-employers.
I hope this helps. Control your hyper-vigilance and fears. Do to the max things that you have control over, that’s where you apply, your CV, cover letter, experience, interview. Try not to worry what your old employer is saying around about you. When you find a new job your old job will be utterly irrelevant. Good luck!
Hi Mephista,
Wow, you’ve had to deal with a lot. It’s a shame that it happens and it is amazing the toll it takes on your health. I’m so glad that you have successfully made the transition to a healthier work environment and realize that there isn’t something wrong with you.
Yes, I do get that, caring too much and taking responsibility for things that aren’t mine. I can imagine that it takes lots of awareness and practice to keep the people pleasing/over-eagerness in check. That’s what I have been doing over these past few years – honing my skills. I had a really good test recently and I did well.
“So, it’s not a one-off epiphany after which we all ride happily into a sunset.” If only! ?
I agree, it was an uphill battle trying to assert myself after they had already gotten used to my people pleasing ways. It just pissed them off. I noticed that I came in strong and my boundaries were weakened little by little. Like the frog in the pot analogy (poor frog). They raised the temp (demands) just slightly to test. I see it much more clearly now.
That “constant process of observing myself, being aware and gathering courage to assert boundaries. “ is going to be key. I will not allow myself to be exploited ever again.
“I think you’re both hyper-vigilant (which is a consequence of bullying) and see things which might not be there, but might also be right, your old employer might be trying to blackball you.”
Hyper-vigilant – check
Unfortunately, I’m not imagining things about former employers (2). After successful interviews and such and the next step was to call my previous employers – crickets! So I had someone pose as a potential employer and found out what they were saying.
The feedback I’ve gotten from potential employers is that my “CV and cover letter are refreshingly professional and that my persona was first rate.” So, I’ve done that part well. You’re right, I just need to let go of the worry about what they are doing and trust that it will happen. Trust that they will be able to read between the lines.
“To draw this analogy again, you’re behaving like with EUMs. You’re concerned about your reputation and what he’s saying and lying around about you. It’s far more likely that a vast majority of people think that you finally got rid of that ass+++e and have known for long what a liar and a cheat he is. The same goes for ex-employers.” So true, I am.
“Control your hyper-vigilance and fears.” Working on that…had an anxiety attack after writing about this, so I have some work to do.
Thank you so much, this was so helpful!
Like a famous lady we all know once said ” At first I was afraid I was petrified kept thinking I could never live without you by my side but I spent some many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong I learned how to get ALONG. Nats post is similiar to a sermon I heard a few weeks ago and my pastor said every season has its purpose. Every event good or bad serves as a lesson for the next one and perspective will determine how you deal with such situations. I found this website nearly 2 yrs ago after dating an EU. At the time I was clueless about self love and my idea of self love was taking care of my physical state nothing wrong with that but it left my mental state in a state of chaos. I had to go through that episode to evolve so much so that it helped me to retain my sanity while being mentally harassed at work thankfully that ended in Feb and I am embarking on a fresh start in a different part of the country. Though we may fall we will rise again. So no matter what your going through remember this too shall pass 🙂 Have an awesome week all and Thank you Nat for such a lovely writeup!!!
Yes someone told me – all things pass – our task is to find the little things to help us while we wait.
I remember my father and my Mom leaving me to live with my GrandMa when I was 5. Which led later in my life to people pleasing behaviour, string of ACs, self-doubt since my father’s favorite response to my hurting (and sobbing) was ” you’re such a cry baby!”.
Well, after I hit rock bottom with MM-AC, I did NC, connected with friends who love me for who I am, built self-esteem up by reading (thanks BR!) and therapy and close friends.
I quit my job after 2 years of trying to deal with another AC, my boss. But just to be able to make decisions, made me feel free and happier than I have ever been! Now I understand what authentic means: I finally made it home, to me! And I am still standing now trying to forgive my parents or at least understand why they left the only child. I try to forgive me, too.
Thanks BR, I wouldn’t be where I am now without you!
Veracity- sounds complicated. Do you need a reference from the past employer? I’d just leave cut ties and explain to new employer that if they want references or get them from previous employer to share them with you.
It’s like NO CONTACT. But with an employer.
Having been in difficult situations in jobs before in small organisations I think it’s one thing to ride it through and learn from it all, but ultimately very few jobs are worth that much angst. Easier said than done-
As @mephista said so well, Im a people pleaser and hate conflict. People see that so push the limits. I hate myself for it but in the workplace one often has to “learn” and face issues with colleagues, give in, be civilised.0, as opposed to love life when NC with an AC is really the key way forward. Unfortunately that’s why workplace romance can be so bad (as I also learnt)
It’s bern a tough year!!!!
ICan’tBelieve,
Naw, I don’t need a reference from them. Some potential employers call the previous employer to check out the info you gave them and to get a read on you as an employee.
Believe me, going NC with them is not a problem for me!
No job/situation is worth that much angst!
I can imagine that having a romance in the workplace would make it that much harder.
To Belakins: You need this site more than anyone I’ve read on here for years. Your
behavior with the online guy is absolutely ridiculous. Your lament is ALL you – not him. You need to build some boundaries and self love. Seriously, being home alone with tv is better than trapesing across town via cab with wine in hand, for sex with online creep who uses and mistreats you. You do understand that he really should be paying a hooker for what you are doing to him for free right? Tough Love to you sister and I hope you get it together. sending this to you with love, respect, and straight to the point words.
Angelface,
I hear you and I know you are right – just got to do the hard work now. I have even said to him that he treats me like an unpaid hooker and he just laughed and said ‘you’ll be back’….
I deleted my profile on the dating site and made a new one with some subtle differences and hid my pictures. Within minutes he contacted me and suggested we meet for ‘kisses and cuddles’ before even asking my name or seeing a photo! Not only an AC/possible narc but a sex addict too. Obviously I declined.
You said it’s all about ME and I think you are right there too. Not only do I have no boundaries when it comes to these guys but I am starting to think I might be a narcissist myself – I seem to want what I want and am desperate for validation and short-term gratification too. It’s all so horribly shallow and I berate myself afterwards but at the time it’s all about trying to ‘win him round to my way of thinking’. Of course I can’t make him want me and when he ‘rejects’ me again it solidifies in my mind that I am worthless. My thinking is so skewed and all I do is replay this crap over and over.
Time to read more from the archives – thanks again for responding.
Bellakins, I wrote a big reply to you a few comments above but I just wanted to say that the way you describe yourself is not narc. It’s codependence. This is also how it usually works for other people two: narcs don’t stay busting other narc’s boundaries and have them for a cab ride and a quickie. It’s codependents who stay after being treated that way. Your description of “trying to win him” and “desperate for validation” also signals of co-dependence.
There are great books on this and what you can do and what triggers your desperation and what makes you stay with this pain while not getting the validation etc etc. The most famous of them is of course “Codependent No More”. But you can just as easily Google “narcissist codependent” and you’ll find thousands of stories you can relate to.
Why,
Many thanks for the pointers – I can see I have a lot of reading and research to do. But as the saying goes the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.
I did actually say to him once that I thought our ‘personality disorders’ dovetailed together quite nicely and he was furious with me – not wanting to admit that there was anything ‘wrong’ with him!
As I saw on a much older post ‘I didn’t break him, so I can’t fix him’ I can only fix me.
‘Sigh’ – much work to be done. Best wishes to all.
Thank you Natalie for your wisdom and healing words. I am surprise sometimes that I am still standing. However, I do pay every day a huge price for that…I suffered herendous physical and emotional abuse not only within my family but in school as well ; all this happened in a communist society , which was opressive and children were not to be seen and heard. I did try my best not to be seen, to become invisible but I had a broken nose due to the physical abuse which made me stand out. I couldn’t function as an adult and I run away from any possible relationship wiht a “normal”person, no matter how much I liked that person.My deep feeling was that no one will ever love me, I am no worthy, such a waiste on earth. Even when I graduated with honour degree I had the same deep feelings of shame , anger and unworthiness.
All my life I suffered from depression and married, not suprisingly, someone with a similar emotional baggage. The marriage was a huge mistake, the only way to get out of my parents’ house ( I was 30y by then!)
Now in my forties, I had therapy, and felt engulfed by pain that comes from connecting with my own emotions and past. I am so ANGRY at myself, my abusers and all the missed opportunities to enjoy life and be a whole person! I don’t know how to move on, but I am standing every day, and every day is a reminder of past loss and uncertain future. Sometimes I feel like a baby learning how to “walk” in this life, learning how to live and not survive. Because standing was just surviving.
Hi Bellakins,
Hope you are having a good day. I also tried online dating and think it is horrible, and that’s too bad because it seems to be a way to meet men to date. Seems like same guys have been on the sites for years…others insist on full body pics. Not for me, but I did try it. I confess,,, I’ve been watching too much tv alone and enjoying it. But plan to get out to a few social events this summer and meet some people hopefully.
When I was new here I was involved with an abusive EUM and voluntarily stayed on the roller coaster ride for years. I learned a lot here and am done with that man, and do screen my dates better now.
I hope you find a great man in your future, and I’d like one too. But for me, I won’t build a relationship like I did in my 20s… now I will take it slow, and be content living without a man to love, if it comes to that. I just bought a new kitten, and my club swimming pool opens soon…! Things to do to make me happy!
Best to you Bellakins. Love. Angel.
AngelFace,
I am having a better day today – thanks for the warm wishes.
Yes – On-line dating….well I know what NML thinks about that and she is right of course. But it is hard to meet people in real life so it does keep drawing me back in. But I think I need to work on me first before I dabble again.
It sounds like you are headed in the right direction even if a man isn’t on the horizon just yet. I am sure a worthy partner will come into your future – it is, as a friend said to me today, what we all deserve. The right one will be worth the wait and in the meantime you have your new kitten! Animals bring you such joy and don’t judge you either! I don’t know where I would be without my two cats to talk to and cuddle. They seem to instinctively know when you are in pain, emotionally and physically.
Thanks again – you guys are keeping me going.
Love, Bellakins
How amazing it is that this was published on my bday 🙂 thankyou for the wise words, and for the reminder that we are not the sum of only the bad things we have done/allowed to happen to us/have had happen to us. We always forget to make a list of the positives we do, the good we create. And we all think – all or nothing, registering all detail as failure of the whole. NO. NO MORE. I WAS NOT CREATED TO BE UTTERLY PERFECT SO I SHALL NOT JUDGE MY EVERY BUMP IN THE ROAD AS THE MOST UTTERLY DESPICABLE EXAMPLE OF WHAT A FAILURE I AM. And that’s BECAUSE I’M NOT A FAILURE 🙂
(that’s also because I’m constantly trying to be better at being a better me. And that counts a lot darn it)
Hi everyone. I’m new here. So good to read your posts. I relate so much to everyone.
Currently I’m trying to detangle myself from a recent fling. It always seems like a great idea before It happens. But then I end up paying a high price as my heart and body like it and want more…and I’m finding out by his non action that he obviously isn’t as invested. I’m wound up with the habit of thinking of him and seeing him at a local joint. Often. I’ve gotten hits actually from seeing him around town a lot. Such a painful lesson to learn again. More to share. Just wanted to say hello and glad to be here among you all.
@colly, sorry for the delay in responding more.. Crazy busy days at work here right now. Please don’t go away! The tough love on here can be hard (you know I went through something so similar) but there is so much good on here and everyone wants to see you come out of this. Some people have a different approach, but feeling shaken up can be good. It helps you identify things you need to change. Hell, if nothing was wrong and you weren’t doing things that are ultimately self destructive, you likely wouldn’t be feeling so badly about what people are saying. You are working through something VERY difficult. Be kind to yourself! You will get through this, but it takes so time and some distance from the situation and people that are hurting you. If it’s entirely difficult for you to imagine never being in contact with exMOM again, why don’t you set yours lg a goal of taking a break from him and engaging in all of this for six months. Then you can reassess (and hopefully won’t want to be back in this again anyways). Time and space can bring a lot of clarity. And they are having a baby right now anyways. Create space for yourself to heal. Treat yourself well. And stick around! We are here healing with you!
Also, when people were saying things to me that were hard to hear (but ultimately probably true) I remember thinking, “this is just a HINT of the backlash and negativity you would experience if he left his wife when she is pregnant or has a new baby.” I would NEVER have actually wanted to do that to someone’s marriage but was having such a hard time shutting down my feelings. I think seeing comments like these really helped bring it back into reality and perspective. Please do the same and know that everyone here is not judging you or wanting you to go away. We just want you to be in a healthy place. Hugs!!
This is a wonderful and touching post. As someone who has also survived one hum-dinger of a childhood (charismatic, alcoholic, unavailable father; controlling, depressed, insecure mother; their war-like relationship, custody battle, neglect, sexual molestation by family friend, changing schools every few years, uh the list goes on) not to mention terrible relationships with champion Mr. Unavailables, I’m here to say I’m standing, I’ve learned to know, love and accept myself and I finally have what I consider an amazing life. You are so very right that without the pain and suffering (which I wish on no one), I would not have the strength to be or the appreciation for what I am now. Thank you Natalie for all that you do. Your insights are brilliant and thought-provoking. You really make a difference in the world, truly.