I’ve previously channelled ‘old me’ for Reflections: Knowing your own love and Reflections: Knowing your own approval. It’s been a few months, so I thought it was time for a new one. This time it’s about not being too quick to judge with assumptions and comparison.
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You don’t know me. You think you do but you don’t. If you did know me, you might want to stop knowing me. If you did know me, you’d have to stop judging me
with your misplaced assumptions.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve felt, what I’ve yearned for and how I’ve experienced deep, intolerable, howling pain.
You don’t know me, but you think you do.
You see someone ‘like me’ and think that I haven’t got problems or that even if I do, I should be able to deal with it better because of some rationale you’re using to judge me.
Or maybe you think that I’m beneath you. Or maybe you think that I think that I’m better than you.
You don’t know me.
There are times when I don’t feel good enough to stand beside an ant. It’s easy for me to think that you’re better than me because I’ve spent my whole life feeling inadequate.
I’ve been out with people who haven’t got two beans of integrity to rub together and I’ve still thought that they were better than me.
I compare myself to others and yet these same people have their own struggles that I’m too absorbed in my own pain to see. You compare yourself to me and I don’t even want to be me.
Do you know what it’s like to be consumed by chaotic worry? Do you know what it’s like to worry about adult problems when you’re barely out of preschool? Are you terrified of getting things wrong and of disappointing people? Have you tried to underachieve to get people off your back? Have people you desperately want approval and love from left you, forgotten about you, called you names, told you that you’re worthless and that you wouldn’t amount to anything?
You don’t know me. You don’t know my life.
For a long time, I didn’t know me either. I knew all of my experiences, the stuff that’s been said, done, not done, but aside from that, I didn’t know who I was. Who was I? Who am I when I put the past and what I think ‘everyone’ thinks aside?
For a long time, I was my thoughts about my experiences and how I believed that they reflected on me. Outwardly I appeared confident, outgoing, intelligent, attractive. Inside, I felt stupid, worthless, good for nothing, alone, unlovable and ugly.
I didn’t say these words very often to myself but I listened to the ugly melody and I was so used to the words that I stopped hearing and listening, and yet I knew that they were there.
Of course I filled my head with other punishing thoughts that danced around that backing track. I raked over every f*ck up, every injustice, every misstep, every warped communication. I had an ‘I’m not good enough’ bias that informed my perception of me and my options and in turn helped me to make bad choices. I looked for information to support that bias. I beat me and that I’d be nice to me again until next time. This is life.
You don’t know me. You don’t.
I don’t advertise my pain with a placard, flyers or even neon lights. If you spend some time around me though, my carefully lidded pain will spill into my actions, which will contradict my words or other actions. When I do well, I’ll blame it on luck or play it down. I’ll achieve and then be scared that I’ll be found out as a fraud.
You don’t know how much I try and how much I overgive to compensate for my lack of worth.
You don’t know me yet you judge me with your assumptions, even with the ones that you think are positive.
People don’t fit cookie cut versions of what you believe pain, success or loss looks like.
How do you get to judge me as being better equipped? On my looks? On my weight? Perceived status? My intelligence? My education? My background? What?
Each time you make assumptions about me and compare, you judge.
Whatever you judge me on, reflects what you believe determines value and experiences.
You think things are a certain way due to the factors you focus on because you judge your own worth and problems based on yours. You assume people’s lives are better or worse because of these things because it’s how you judge your own life.
You don’t know me, but it turns out that you might not know you too well either. Are you judging me? Or are you judging you?
You don’t know me but it matters less that you don’t know me or about what you think, now that I’m willing to engage with me deeply enough to get to know me.
I can’t expect people to get to know me if the reason I choose to engage with them in the first place is due to assumptions I’ve made that chime with my own story or projected fantasy.
I could continue to make assumptions about me and judge me but then I’d go nowhere and I’d become less than I am. It’s like running with the first idea and refusing to back away from it and then ploughing loads of investment into a concept that ultimately doesn’t serve me.
If I want people to know me, I’ve got to get to know me and be me.
I’m mad at you for judging me but I’m even madder at me for being so judgmental of me and my past. I have to practice humility and not be so quick to judge me whether it’s for my flaws or judging me to be the center of Other People’s Behaviour or seeing life as a reflection of my worth, because it removes my control over my life, my time, my identity.
You don’t know me but it mattered a lot more when I didn’t know me.
Now that I’m not assuming and judging me, nobody, including me, can use that against me.
Comparison and assumptions drain your confidence and blind you to reality. It’s using insecurity and bullshit to inform your outlook and actions and next thing you know, you have a distorted image of your own abilities, appearance and character. Get out of your head and into your life where you can get to know the real you and others, in reality.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites 
I’ll post here because … I think I can make it relevant 🙂
There’s a new wrinkle to the job decisioin. I decided I’d try to stay, only to learn that my department expects me to take a pay cut to do it. They want me to go from making 66K a year to about 58 a year, with significantly more teaching. It’s like they’re banking on my wanting stability, and using this to lowball me. It’s pretty bad, as both my head and my Dean seem to be saying, we don’t care if you go, we just want the cheapest person to teach.
I just had a big cry in my own apartment and then cleaned myself up, marched down to my Head’s office to *explain* my value and the figure that I need to have in order to stay, which is still 12K less than what I’d make if I go to the east coast. My head wishy-washily said, “I’ll try.” My colleagues who understand my value are aghast.
I find out tomorrow if my Head/Dean will offer me the $ I need to stay in a (now somewhat poisoned) environment that will allow me more time to write. Otherwise, I guess I’m packing up. More soon.
The thing that I notice as I navigate through these choppy waters is that I find myself saying, hey, I am valuable. I’m good, you know I’m good, and if you’re not going to at least do me the courtesy of keeping my salary stable after I’ve been a superstar in your department, then I’m going to have to go.
I remember the fear of breaking up with the exAC because I knew it would confirm that he didn’t give a shit about me.
These dudes at work, who don’t represent everyone, but who hold the power and purse strings, do not recognize my value. It will be a sad thing if I have to go simply on principle, but I’m not setting myself up for anything good long term if I let them dick me around.
As an aside, I was asked the other day by a faculty member, when I was introduced to him as working at the university, if I worked in the cafeteria. Sometimes you gotta wonder if what these guys see (skin colour, boobs) affects their ability to recognize a professional.
Magnolia,
I understand what you are talking about and I hope this trial will not be a long and difficult one. I hope you will keep doing things that make you happy, and seeing a friend who can help you laugh and ease the pain of this whole experience. I’m wishing the best of success and happiness for you. Diana
Mags,
It sounds like they don’t ‘value’ value but instead are shopping for a bargain, and are looking at the amount of money it will take to fill the position, quality aside. It reflects more on them that they are willing to lose a valuable member of the staff to save a buck. Try not to take that on as it being about you, (even though it affects you) but more about their priority, which is $$. They don’t assign your value. Hopefully, they wake up. Good for you for being assertive and believing in your own value. Putting this in different terms….if a man said he will only be with you if you will take less than a commitment and go casual, does that reflect on him or you? It’s about him.
As for the guy who asked you if you worked in the cafeteria, what a shallow man he must be. Nothing wrong with working in the cafeteria, but the stereotyping/sexism is blatant. Cavemen still exist.
Anyway, wishing a good outcome for you.
Good Luck Magnolia. That is a really valuable lesson I have learnt from Nat, is that we cannot make people see our worth and our value.
You will be making the right decision if you pack up and move on if they do not pay you what you know you are worth.
And next meeting, take the encyclopaedia with you, open at the relevant page!!!!
Mags,
You KNOW I’m gonna agree with Tabitha on the encyclopedia bit, lol! 😉
I was at work and a colleague (I work with different people everyday) said to me ‘you’re great to work with, easygoing, confident, know what you are doing etc
I thought exactly this – quote – You don’t know where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve felt, what I’ve yearned for and how I’ve experienced deep, intolerable, howling pain.
Everything she said I just smiled to and thought you don’t know me. You see something superficial, an act, a confidence I just cannot see. I honestly held back the tears that day. I can’t cry, I’m a manager. I have to uphold this superficial look I seem to give off. The thing is deep down I do believe what she said somewhere or I want want want to believe it, it sickens me that I choose to think differently sometimes. Does anybody else find it easier to berate?
I’ve said before I’m working on this, I was having ‘one of those days’. This post has hit home like the one about the chopper.
What a fantastic piece of writing. You have written ME, despite not knowing me either. Thank you so much for your insight!
‘Get out of your head and into your life’..No truer words chime with me. x
I’ve been reading your blog for over a year and it still surprises me. This one is my favorite, by far. I’ve just unearthed these feelings in my own life and am encouraged to know that I’m not the only person that deals with this type of struggle. A ray of light when the clouds pass is nice to see. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for that. This website has been a lifeline for me and is helping me to recover from multiple assclowns.
Mags,
They just made it easier for u to go! Hold ur head up! Pack up n leave for better. There’s way more in store for u! Ppl will always try to deflated u based on their own inadequacies, instead of rising to the challenge n standard u present.
The cafeteria comment is intended to make u feel less n the need to prove worthy. Basically it is more of the same. U know what they have to offer u. Now tell em to kiss ur… well in a nicely wordly scholarly article of course.
The guy who made the cafeteria comment isn’t my department: he’s separate from the whole negotiation issue.
Neither job situation is perfect – in fact both have elements of general academic exploitation – but I decided to try to stay out West after thinking through what’s best for me (writing and health-wise). Who knew I’d have to fight so hard just to keep my wage the same? If they come back with the figure I’ve named, then we’re good, I’ll be fine. If not, I’ll go, I’ll be fine.
I’m home in my apartment cleaning up and after the emotional day I’ve had, I expected to be down and sorry for myself. But in fact, I am tired, but I feel SO proud of myself for stating what I want and doing everything I could to advocate for myself.
No matter which option I choose, I’ve managed a small raise for myself, which is good-job-Magnolia. And I discovered that for me, in my personal values, feeling as though my employers are upfront in their dealings with me and that my pay is fairly negotiated trumps workload.
I’d rather work like a dog for people who acknowledge that I’m doing so than work like an only-slightly-less-worked dog for people who try to make me feel like they’re doing me a favour by offering me as little as possible.
One thing they keep saying to me is oh, money really matters to you, huh? Like I’m a money-grubber; greedy. When it clearly matters to them. Fine, maybe I am, but honestly, I think I’m way less aggressive on bank than most guys.
Affection and loving attention, now that’s something else; I hated being called needy for wanting that. Oh, you’re really needy, huh? I’d so try to prove I wasn’t needy.
I feel the impulse to not be “greedy,” but I think that’s just wanting to people-please. Their chiding reminded me of when the ex used to call me pushy for asking for what I wanted out of the relationship.
Magnolia,
Another comment to you from me: Many/most employers are going for the cheapest labor. My recent employer hired directly from university and titled them all as interns with horrible low wages. I was pretty much harassed and pushed out because my boss did not want to pay $520 per month for my insurance premiums when she was getting by with paying $200 for the younger workers. A real head-spin, when in fact, I managed four departments and was a major contributor in the success of the company. Don’t take it personally. It is about money and greed and stupidity – on their part!!
Magnolia,
I have recently gone through a change at work too, where I was ‘demoted’ and moved out of my department, the funny thing is they put me onto the overnight shift which pays $2 more, doing more simple work. In a way it is a slap in the face, seeing all my hard work and accomplishments get washed away, seeing my department changing from where I built it to something completely different suited to the new person. On the other hand, its a fresh start, a new beginning, a learning how to let go and move on.
I thought of a comeback for the cafeteria comment, do you work there…you could say only when your workload is so great you need to take it with you to lunch. There is more than one way to look at a situation, don’t get stuck looking at it from only one side.
Magnolia:
“One thing they keep saying to me is oh, money really matters to you, huh? Like I’m a money-grubber; greedy. When it clearly matters to them.”
Should be followed by you saying, “That’s not mine, that’s yours. Take it back.” (From Nat’s post today about calling people on THEIR bullshit.)
Chin up. You WILL be fine no matter which job you take. Perhaps this is the Universe telling you that the opportunity in the EAST is what is right you you in this moment and the job in the West has run its course and served its purpose. Something to contemplate.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is exactly where I am at. But how do I get to know myself? After all these years of trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be. I finally feel free to be me but I’m terrified. I put up a good front but inside I feel a mess.
Wow, Nat. “Old Natalie” was pretty deep, eh? 😉 “New Nat” ain’t half bad either, though, I must say. A deep post. ‘Cause honestly, I think of you, Natalie, as that friend that has it all together and such. But yeah, I guess when I think about it…we ALL carry this load, now, don’t we?
You know, a story is coming up in me because of this post (“wrote a song about it. Like to hear it?” ;)) and so I’ll just go with it: Last week, after roughly 2.5 glasses of wine, I decided (spur of the moment) that I wanted to email a letter of appreciation to a woman who wrote a “self-help”-ish type book that really helped to change my perspective a few years ago (yeah, this is what happens when you’re buzzed at 35–instead of sleeping with the bass player in a local bar band, I’m emailing self-help authors. Yeesh.). Anyways, so I couldn’t find an email address on her website, but she DID have her phone # listed. So I thought, “What the hell. I’ll leave her a quick message just letting her know how much I appreciate her work.” Well, folks, even though the phone # was a Beverly Hills # (!!!!), imagine my surprise when the woman, in all of her flesh-and-blood glory, answered her phone! I was so nervous, and it was so unexpected that she answer (she’s written dozens of books and has been on Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil, etc.) that I was blubbing the entire time. I talked on and on about how helpful her books were to me. At one point, she actually said to me, “You just made my night.” At another point, she actually apologized to me for interrupting HER (when I was excitedly running at the mouth, like I was a 16-year old girl in 1968 at a Beatles concert. Oh, for the love of God.)
Anyway: point is that I thought she’d be inundated by phone calls from people expressing their appreciation for what she does. But she acted like I was the first to use her phone # as a fan, expressing their appreciation. The point is: I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. I don’t know all of her personal insecurities, struggles, internal “uglies”, internal “triumphs”, etc.
Have you ever noticed, when giving a compliment to someone whom you *assume* is complimented ALL THE TIME….the SURPRISE factor that comes into play? That point when they look at you like you’re the first person to state the “obvious”? And you sit there thinking, “Pfft. Yeah, right. I’m a small fish in their pond. I’m sure they can barely hear me over the roar of the crowd.”
Ladies and gents….sometimes we ARE the crowd. Whether with people whom we admire but who we don’t know that well on a personal level, OR with those we’re intimate with (friendship or otherwise). So let’s not assume that those that mean a lot to us KNOW that they do, or that those we think are so great that THEY know it….really KNOW it.
I know that this point I’m making is the tip of the deep iceburg that Nat has placed in the sea, but it’s what’s coming up for me right now. So I’m going with it. 😉
*she apologized to me for interrupting ME*
I’m a hot mess. 😉 But hot.
What’s the book?
Mags
I guess this is a needed sign about what direction you need to head. What disrespect! Back in Montana, I had a similar situation; I was leaving the grocery store and a woman literally chased be down the sidewalk and asked if I’d like a job cleaning houses. I politely (well mostly) told her that I got my degrees so I’d never, ever have to make my living cleaning other peoples houses ever again. Now, most of the house cleaners in the area were Malaysian who are generally about a foot shorter than lil Noquay and bear not the slightest resemblance to her. I guess all us brown folk do look alike eh? And we all work unskilled jobs too apparently.
Noquay,
Your story would be funny if it wasn’t so terrible. I guess I’m not used to seeing this type of behavior because I was born and raised in the Bay area (SF), so I never found racial differences a big deal (or even recognized the issue). It’s amazing that there are places where this happens (not that it couldn’t happen anywhere–San Fran included–but it just seems less likely given the pervasive mindset of the place).
A friend and I went on a road trip to Wyoming last year and she told me that she felt like she was performing a public service, introducing the local people to their first black person, lol. That must’ve been weird for her, though she brushed it off.
I get my own weird stereotypes, being dark and “swarthy” looking myself (though olive- and not dark-skinned). I’m usually thought of as more sexual (I’m actually someone who doesn’t have casual sex) and someone who can dance and move my hips fluidly (well…which is true). God forbid anyone try to hire me to clean their house though. I’d do a shitty job.
People are so strange, Noquay. Please know that not all of us would look at you like that.
Nat, you stated it well in an earlier post that said “people unfold”. We can never know what goes through another’s mind, what their life experiences have been, and how those experiences affect how they act, what they are today. Same thing for folks trying to figure us out. Like mentioned in the reply to Mags, I have been judged so much (and so inaccurately) solely based on my appearance. Likewise I am guilty of judging others the same way. At least I have learned to keep my judgements to myself. If someone’s actions, words, etc are a problem for us, it really doesn’t matter why they are the way they are. Whether actions are a result of childhood trauma, being disordered, or basic character one either has to wholly embrace them or bail; there’s no middle ground. Same case when others look at our actions etc. Either take us as is or be gone and be gone quickly.
I could hardly get through this piece which was really too complicated for me to follow.
But — since we’re on the subject — I was really horrified by a male friend who has chronic depression and sent a blast email to all his friends asking us to tell him on SurveyMonkey what we really thought of him. He said we shouldn’t hold back.
I emailed him asking why on god’s earth would he use a survey to crowdsource negativity and humiliation. I didn’t get an email back. I told him he was s goof person and could figure stuff out by himself.
Who do I worry about liking me? About two people, one friend who has integrity, she is lots of fun and will give me all sorts of helpful advice.
The other is a telecom gazillionaire who went back to school to learn to coach others. I only pay about one-tenth for what he charges his many business clients. He is kind and very generous and if I ever would offend him I would feel really awful.
One other thing — this is more of a public spectacle kind of worry — I get nervous that one day the wife of my long-gone UM will spit in my face (all three of us at the same firm). I suppose I will wipe my face and then hand her the tissues.
Seems horrible, right? But you don’t know me.
What’s UM?
Bam! That hit me right between the eyes. I’ve been coming from a place of woundology and victim hood my whole life. I’ve been my biggest judge and harshest critic. People think I have a charmed life because I hide the shame I often feel about where I am in comparison to others and fake joy, success etc. a sure fire way to die to the self. But then a beautiful thing happened – I hit midlife – and all that energy shifted – its like a divine intervention – now Im still in pain – mostly around the lack of love and partnership – having just been with another assclown – only this time I didn’t lie to myself for two years, he code redded sooner 🙂 had more consciousness around those behaviours – thank you Natalie for that, and now in midlife being totally compassionate with myself, putting down the masks, scaring some people away, drawing others near – having moments of inadequacy, judgements, not good enough, just watching it all like passing clouds. Finding peace at last. Such wonderful writing – my soul salutes your truth so that I might confront my own. Love love
Artemis. I can relate strongly to what you say here and with the Jung quote below. I am victim and judge. Shame… comparisons… yes. I am really hoping I am receiving divine intervention.. or I am Glen Close with delusions. Trying out compassion, being honest, self acceptance, observing the crap in my mind. Hoping like hell for a better existence.
I love what Carl Jung once said, “but what if I was to discover that the very enemy is inside me, what then?”
Totally and utterly agree. It’s two-way traffic, these misunderstandings we throw at others and at ourselves. Comparison always gets me when I’m at my lowest, coopting other people’s projections to make myself feel worse. Getting used to not knowing takes guts – I often jump to conclusions because the ambiguity is just too freaky to be with. It’s easier to think of yourself as a full-on screw-up than contemplate the complex, chaotic reality of all the good and bad and in between mixed up together. I really needed to read this today. Thank you.
uncertainty beats self hate any day
This…this is ME. This could have been ripped out of a page in my diary. I live with this each and every day. It kills me.
love to u
Wow! I love it. Its very real and I totally relate.
I was out with my best girlfriend a few days ago, and we were in a crowd of people. I brought the topic up and we talked about how many people in this particular crowd were dealing with emotional pains and heartbreak, and about how many people could not deal at all.
It gives a different perspective when you don’t assume other people are unscathed and happy. It’s good to not assume, and to let people you are in close relationships with unfold. Keeping strong and being a good and loving person is an ongoing effort! Thanks Natalie and Friends here!
the assumptions i create support my negative self image. self sabotage
A really great post – thanks.
This post really hit home and was exactly what I needed for two reasons.
In the recent months and weeks that have followed my last breakup Ive been getting to know myself better and also forgive all of the people who I thought had led to the downfall of my relationship. The man who broke my heart, the narcissitic harem who came between us, his female friends who treated me like dirt.
It led me to realizing that sometimes Im not happy with my own behavior and how I treat others . and now I strive to change it. On other days sometimes my kindness and happiness and love towards others surprises me. I am realizing that if I struggle with these issues than many others may as well I cant judge anyone, and I dont want to judge anyone. So many people from my past I dismissed as a$$holes or horrible human beings because of the way they acted. I failed to see that I didn’t really know them. I don’t know what they’ve been through but rather judged based on my own pain and how my own pain caused me to perceive and react to their behavior. But I didn’t know them, and didn’t really know myself.
Im still struggling to accept this. And Im slowly learning to get to know myself. But acknowledging it and understanding it helps to forgive myself and all the others who have hurt me by their words, actions or rejections. I don’t know them, and I don’t need to. All I need to know is that we all are going through something and have our own battle scars to bear.
Once you acknowledge it in yourself, you can acknowledge it in others and it helps to show your and their humanity, it also breeds empathy, which can help lead to forgiveness.
Thanks Natalie for a timely post
Dear Nat, I’ve had a break-through yesterday and today, it came. I put aside two weeks to be by myself with the idea of focusing on being with myself, just being and feeling and hoping to locate me. I organised for my son to stay with his father for two straight weeks (never been apart from him for this length of time) and took the time off work. I planned it out logistically, without having a real clue what I would *do* exactly. Vaguely – yes – no t.v, no books, no crosswords, no answering calls/ reading/replying to any texts (except emergency in case of my little boy). I stocked up on food that I could just shove in the oven so I wouldn’t have to cook or leave my house if I didn’t feel like it. I am now half way through the second week and have seen nobody except for the woman at the local deli in 9 days. The only distraction from myself has been your blog. In my active life I spend most of my free time alone but it has never been for long enough and has by and large been negative time – apathy, and isolation – it has never been with *intent* to allow myself to emerge. I have had a therapist for many years but (it’s what comes after the but that counts, right?)I’ve known for a while now that what I need now is time to just sit with myself until what I need comes up and out. This is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this and so deliberately. I’ve been walking the boards, bawling, talking to myself, shouting, feeling worn out and crashing in bed at 4am, getting up at 12, eating something then back to it. Today and yesterday when I waited for the familiar, old pain it didn’t come. Something else came, it’s not like the old. I see myself when I was with my ex and know now how well I did by myself and him. When I think about his decision to withdraw from me and the relationship, I still feel the good stuff and know that was his decision alone. When I think about how I contacted him 5 weeks later out of fear and loneliness and the pain, I only feel compassion for myself and think ‘ah well, it’s understandable’ – yesterday I saw and felt my father’s love – I have memories of him playing with me, being proud of me, listening to me, being there in the morning, running our baths at night. Yes, he abandoned me and left me with my mother but I know that he never meant me harm. There is just a blank space where my mother’s love was ‘supposed’ to sit, and that just is. My father’s and brother’s love is all I’ve got at my foundations and it feels like enough. I feel that I am enough actually. It’s good to know this.
“You don’t know me but it mattered a lot more when I didn’t know me.
Now that I’m not assuming and judging me, nobody, including me, can use that against me.” Nat, that seems to sum it up. I’m looking forward to re-entering my life with others next week. This really does feel like a real shift.
Lizzp, that seems so brave to take that time with yourself with no distractions. Really brave. I would be terrified of all the time (it would be negative right now).
Good for you that you have been able to do this. And wake up and not feel the familiar pain…. and realise that you are enough. Wow. Gives me some inspiration.
The person I was with read on-line articles on personality traits that she felt resonated with me – sensitive, abandonment issues, over-thinking.
Getting to know me through a portal.
Reduced to a psychological essay/theory.
Xander, the person I dated before the most recent one was a psychotherapist who couldn’t switch off from work and I felt under constant scrutiny. Reduced to a case study! Awful…
A post like this is helpful for reminding me to stop assuming that I “know” what’s going on with another person. Assuming usually leads to comparison (in which I always come up short), and that usually leads to a downward spiral into self-loathing.
A quick trip to hell usually begins with assuming the ex is blissfully happy and has floated into the sunset unscathed, paying no consequences for his actions. But that’s only one kind of hell. The other is the one I create for myself by hoping he’ll be miserable and get what he “deserves.” I have finally, finally learned to let that go. I now know why we are rightly told to judge no one. Who am I to know what someone else does or doesn’t deserve? That’s an awful position to be in. There’s nothing but misery down that road. The ex’s treatment of me is only a small part of the totality of his life, of which I know very little. It’s all a mystery. If I can let it be, I’m SO much happier. It doesn’t mean I excuse his actions, but I don’t condemn him either.
“comparison (in which I always come up short), and that usually leads to a downward spiral into self-loathing”. Same, note to self – stop the f_ck doing that woman
This reminds me of how when I first met my epiphany EUM i was so jealous of his life in a way. From the outside he is a 35 year old, attractive guy who gets to make art and play music for a living, no worries and no cares. No waking up in the morning for work like I do, no studying for exams like my lame-o life. His life is literally a party, he hosts events too.
After I got to know him though I realized how absolutely miserable he is. I don’t know why he is but he is and even though all his agemates who are married and raising kids look at him as if he is living the charmed bachelor with no strings life while they rot in surburbia I wish they could see behind the curtain to how empty he feels. I used to laugh out loud at his marrued friends commenting on all his facebook pics about how amazing his life is. To be fair, his life looks pretty amazing via facebook pictures of all his parties and gigs in exotic locations.
After the break up the EUM and I had a chat once where he admitted that HE was jealous of MY life, cos I had a career in medicine that “means something” and actually helps people and a modest but stable income whereas the freelance nature of his work means he never knows how much he’ll have. Never would have thunk that anyone would envy my crazy awful work hours and conditions that get little money or appreciation at the junior level. You really never know how others see your life and all our lives have amazing and not so amazing elements. I should stop the comparing game.
I am also going through this right now. A recent move put me a little out of my element, and the anxiety took hold and really increased comparisons to other people. Whats strange is that I’ve accomplished a lot recently [i was about to write that I’d had good luck but then realized it isnt luck, I worked very hard for some things and some aspects of it really paid off in the last few months]. So at this moment i should be at least allowing myself to feel some measure of security through this accomplishment – just rest awhile and not be so driven out of insecurity. But I’m finding it hard to do. At least I know I am doing this, so I am not totally unreflexively in the throes of it. I’m in it with some awareness but still not able to get out – and perhaps one aspect is that I am not able to just enjoy myself. How hard can that be!!! I know that one thing that helps is throwing yourself into some project, something new, or anything at all. Too much solitude can be problematic too – we need others to engage with, and we need especially those people with whom we forget about ourselves, we dont monitor ourselves etc. I’m missing that right now because of the move and being in a new context. Anyway – I’m hoping that my over-comparing and finding myself coming short will decline as I find my context again and get back to work. For now, in my case, I think its a case of ‘idle mind’.
I have struggled with the second half of this issue (…but I don’t know me either) for a long time. It’s easy enough to resent other people’s negative assumptions about me, or disbelieve them if they’re positive. But I honestly still to not know what is really me at the core, and what is what I’ve been told is me, or at least should be me. I was recently reading “Have the Willingness to Listen to Your Gut,” and the whole time thinking, but what does my “Gut” even sound like? I can’t identify a head message from a heart or a gut message, or even know whether I’m afraid of something because it’s new, uncomfortable, and HEALTHY, or because it’s uncomfortable and wrong.
Granted, I’m better than before, but learning about me is going to take the rest of my life, and maybe if I’m lucky I’ll have some notion of me by the end. If anyone has a similar problem or has advice for sorting this stuff out, let me know pls!
Hey Keetseel,
I think a message from your gut is the most pinpoint, articulate idea/sensation that tells you something is right or wrong according to your beliefs/values/boundaries. It is so subtle yet incredibly powerful.
I think most of us that are on BR have overlooked that very thing going with our head and heart, the desire and the sensical (or non-sensical).
It definitely takes a lot of practice (success or mistakes) and understanding to be aware of that sensation of something not working out and taking the necessary actions to do what is good by your standards; staying true to you; cultivating the strength to say no.
One might end up with fewer friends and cutting ties with family members as you go along, but there is potential to make space for more prosperous relations and experiences.
I thought I had things figured out as a thirty year old adult moving to the big apple. Little did I realise how vulnerable one is when comforts of home and familiarity are stripped away.
Many of my friends hold the belief I am living this amazing life in the big city, but little do most know I am experiencing growing pains.
I wished for the person I was with to understand what it’s like but she understated my woes against the demeanours of the world.
Your tuned in, it’s bound to make sense a little bit at a time.
Keetseel
Pathway to happiness. check the site out please. its helping me
Rachael,
Pathway to Happiness: it has helped me through some really hard times. I am better for it, coupled with BR.
I love this post.
No-one gets the easy button, however it may appear to others from superficialities. Everyone has their tender spots, their pain and fear and sadness. Never envy others because you don’t know what the reality of their life is.
I was going on (and on and on) to a friend about how the MM had everything, looks, career, money, talent, popularity, and she listened for a while and said “I find everyone has their shit to deal with”.
Powerful statement. I get what you’re saying, and it falls into line with the latest lessons I’m learning somehow. It’s amazing how the Universe brings you just what you need.
I know that I’m tough. I know that I’m capable. I know that each time I come around this mountain, that of meeting myself head-on, that I get stronger, that I get tougher, maybe some day I’ll be strong enough to grab hold of myself and never let go…
And maybe never. No attachment to outcomes. No assumptions of good or bad. Middle ground, moderation, my mind plays tricks of a swinging pendulum… My identity slides like the beads on an abacus. Not any more. Inch by inch I’m walking closer to understanding.
Everything is not my fault. Where is the line between my fault and not? Does it matter?
Where do I reject myself? In those places in which I’m rejected. Where do I meet myself? In those places where I am rejected. What do I need to accept in me? Deep, deep, deeper still.
I go alone. My only rope holding me is my view of others, they are a gauge of my progress or lack thereof. Maybe skewed, but there is no other point-of-reference.
Thank you.
nothing you think you are comes close to who you really are
YOU DON’T KNOW ME.
I LOVE THIS. Get it Nat 😉
When I first encountered BR, I thought “look at this beautiful thin, normal looking woman with perfect caramel skin. Of course that’s why she made it. Of course that’s why she made a name for herself, etc. I just KNOW she’s had it better than me. She didn’t have my fucked up parents or acne or blah blah blah.”
It was complete bullshit on my part. Comparison is what I used to keep myself from trying so I didn’t have to be vulnerable.
Through BR, therapy, and life I have learned my pain is no greater than anyone’s. And IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT IS OR ISN’T. To be human is to suffer, age and die. And if you want some good in there you have to be prepared to fail, fall and, work damn hard at it.
I HAVE LEARNED THE WORLD IS NOT MY WHORE. I don’t get to just make some requests and she opens up.
I have to be thankful for each and every good as I am not entitled to it and it is fleeting. Suffering chases us; we have to meet it half way with courage.
Also, it gets so old that because I am unemployed and do not have kids and am near thirty my family thinks I just live this fancy, fantastic life of leisure.
I’m fucking broke because I choose not to sell my soul to a shit job. I’m taking my time to find an employer who respects that I am a student and a human. I take living a meager lifestyle in order to make this happen. And it’s awesome.
IT’S AWESOME TO HAVE LESS MATERIAL SHIT BECAUSE YOU VALUE YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
Ah, my family. They make these condescending comments about how I am not working and how I study art.
I HAVE WORKED MY ASS OFF TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
I got an average of four hours of sleep per night for over a year. I was working full time, studying uni coursework for art, and ravenously devouring BR and BR school to get over a mind effing ex. Oh, and I cut contact with my scum bag addict father.
But they don’t know this because THEY DON’T KNOW ME AND I DON’T EXPLAIN BECAUSE I DON’T OWE A SINGLE ONE OF THEM A FUCKING EXPLANATION.
Amen, Peanut!
Thanks 🙂
Peanut-
“I HAVE LEARNED THE WORLD IS NOT MY WHORE. I don’t get to just make some requests and she opens up.”
I love, love, LOVE this!!!
Hey Magnolia,
They really imply that being concerned about your salary is being “greedy”? Money shouldn’t matter to you? A large pay cut should be of no concern whatsoever? Really?!?!!
I assume this job is on Planet Earth.
Last I heard, being concerned about your financial future is not greed, it’s called being a responsible adult.
I guess if you really cared about your job and were a dedicated team-playing professional you would just drain your savings. Or — I know!– draw from the Trust Fund, or maybe sell the beach house in the Bahamas and the condo in St. Moritz. (And stop driving the Porsche to work. Clearly, it just irritates everyone.)
Look, the day I find an employer who will take responsibility for every penny of all my current and future financial obligations — my housing, food, health expenses, taxes, insurance, retirement, children’s education, charitable gifts, care of my aging parents — that is the day I will be unconcerned about my salary. Until that day, I remain very concerned; I am responsible.
And beyond that, what if you did want a salary that supports a second house or fun car or mad money or whatever, so what? If they can’t give you, or don’t want to give you, the salary you ask for — how does that make you “greedy”? Who decides what is reasonable for you to want or ask for? Doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but it doesn’t mean you’re greedy!
If your life was all about making money, and the pay was the single most important thing to you in any job, most likely you would be in an entirely different career/industry/profession and would already be making more money. You do what you do because you want to do it, and your salary is one of several factors that determines job viability and satisfaction. How is this not reasonable???
To imply that you are “money-grubbing” because you know your own salary requirements is insulting and ABSURD.
They don’t know you! But you know you! Go Mags!
And you are totally brilliant for pointing out how this is analogous in many ways to relationship dynamics — thank you!
“Get out of your head n into your life”… I’m not sure I know how to do this. Yeah, seriously. It’s as if they are two different places with a large space between them and as Jamaica Kincaid says the space between them is “deep” n “dark” and (apparently) filled with rage.
I was walking in the park yesterday…very very slowly. A passerby going in the other direction joked that I needed to pick up the pace. What came out as my response was not only callous, over the top but just plain mean. I surprised myself… but then I realize that I do it often… go for the jugular regardless of how little a slight I receive.
I don’t like it or me for doing it or however u want to put it. But clearly there’s a disjoint between my brain n my reflexes/ protective mechanisms. It’s not safe for the world… Now how do I get this wanted change out of my head n implemented in my life? Help!
2Fearce, From what you say, IMO the place to start is to recognise that you do not like yourself very much if at all, not just what you do but who you think you are. The disjoint you refer to between your brain and your reflexes comes out of an ingrained dislike of yourself, not the other way round (In my view).
2fearce… I can relate to your post as I tend to always react in a defensive manner when someone criticizes me in any way. I say the first thing that comes in my mind which isn’t always the right choice. Then I replay it over & over in my head thinking why the hell did I say that when I should have said this instead. But then I convince myself its over & done and I will try to think before I speak next time…I want to be the person who thinks the glass is half full but old habits are hard to break. A work in progress I am 🙂
2fearce, it might also mean that you are very stressed and reactive. Your limbic brain [where the emotions are, which responds automatically] is easy to trigger. Practice will help – that is, practicing patience and calmness, not rolling your eyes, not criticizing people in your mind, not getting stressed if people are late or they cancel plans, cultivating flexibility in life. Paying attention to your thoughts will help. Everyone loses it sometimes. The aim is to lose it less often, and in less damaging ways to yourself.
I find that by fixing some of my stress I have slowly over time become less reactive. I still lose it, but everyday bad behavior from others rolls of my back. Friends will have a bad day and say stupid things to you. You have to say ‘theyre not perfect’ and have some distance for a while if needed. Cut everyone some slack, including yourself.
2fearce, not liking urself for what u do, keeps u stuck. we all f_ck up
Maybe I don’t know me. I woke up this morning and all I could think was, I don’t want to leave. I hope they give me what I ask for so I don’t have to leave on principle. My whole body was seizing up with anxious tension at the thought of packing up and moving across the country to try to start teaching in a whole new field, to huge lecture classes, no matter how amazing the salary.
And when my Head finally talked to me, it was worse than I had ever expected. No raise at all, but instead of tacking on two more courses they will tack on only one. So, effectively, a pay cut in order to stay. That was all that is on the table.
My Head, it seems, is a particularly poor communicator: What he first said as: “We could have asked you to teach more, and we didn’t,” and later, “there was a mistake in your pay,” today he articulated as, “It’s an equity issue: people in the department and in our sister department who have the same title as you make much less and have a higher workload. I caused that issue when I constructed your contract last year. For the position we are posting, your salary is the cap.”
I was all prepared to bust out of there on principle if they came in even at 2K less than the salary I wanted.
But the thing is, now I find I don’t want to. After a certain degree of getting the bills paid, it’s not (just) the money I care about, it’s feeling respected. I have been interpreting the dollar figure as level of respect … sometimes it certainly can be. AND, (it feels bizarre to say, but I actually don’t think I’ve ever done this before) the thing that I want to prioritize more than anything this year, professionally, is writing another book.
Ladies, I can’t entirely tell if I’m rationalizing now or if this is just what it feels like to prioritize. Yeah, I’m not happy about the money thing but staying here means time to write. Do I think they take advantage of me wanting to stay? Maybe, but in the end it’s me who gets the time to write.
I feel like I’m learning “who I am.” The part of me who is like “fuck ’em, go get paid at a big school, girl!” feels anxious, defensive and competitive. The part of me that is like, whatever, this is about me and my writing – she feels pretty calm.
I find myself looking around at this town that annoys me so much going, you know, you get out what you put in. And, yeah, it’s white as fuck in this town but I only need a bunch of sympatico friends to make it a good place to do the work I have always dreamed of doing … what the eff? I’m not sure I know me!
You ladies who know me know that my ‘hook’ was dudes with prestige, money, title …
Anyway, I called my friend/colleague who has supported me through the decision, after I spoke with my head, and said, fuck it, I’m going to go with what makes me feel calm and hopeful, and that is staying here. At least for now. My deadline for letting the east coast uni know is tomorrow; which my Head knew.
I hung up the phone and my friend called right back. Within 20 minutes of my talk with my Head, they (my current school) posted a tenure-track job for a poetry prof, to begin Jan 1. A job which they’ve often encouraged me to apply for.
My mom says, just whatever decision you make, make it with no regrets. The way to ensure I don’t regret this decision is to WRITE. Like write the thing that I’ve always let paying the bills take precedence over.
So. Tomorrow I let the east coast school know I ain’t coming, they can take their fancy pay and give it to some other deserving soul. I will let my landlord know I’m sticking around. And then I will do something to celebrate not having to pack!
Mags,
Sounds like wisdom to me! There are lots of people with big salaries who are utterly miserable and exhausted. “Calm and hopeful” is a lot better than the big bucks any day.
Magnolia, why do you think the east cost job would mean you won’t be able to write the book? Why not take the money AND write the book? Because, more money may mean more peace of mind, just what you need to write.
Magnolia,
Since the underlying priority for you is having time to write, you have automatic protection from any future regrets or second thoughts. You have chosen to honor your writing which is (in my opinion) the most fulfilling way to spend time. I don’t know you, but I definitely admire your choice.
I just finished replying to you post at the beginning of this page. And now things have happened.
Still sounds like the Universe is working for you Mags. YOU placed the value on what is most important to you…writing. You went with what feeds your soul, took the leap of faith and what happened? The job that you want AND that you are being encouraged to apply for just happened to be posted today??? If THAT’S not the net appearing, I darn well don’t know what is.
You were true to what YOU value. Good job honoring yourself!
Mags
I hope you will go for the tenured job in January. Being uprooted, starting from scratch is exhausting and downright scary. I am worried that the head didn’t suggest that you stick around and apply for the tenured job. You will have time to write and your writing may be what gets you through the low pay, redneck town etc.
Still am in the info gathering phase for the “headship” job. Talked to a good friend high up in the ranks, she gave good advice such as not to worry about my detractors here, everyone has em. I am worried about the lesser level of job security as I’ve got 7 years to go and cannot afford to screw up at this point. Will probably apply and let the chips fall where they may.
Mags,
I don’t know u. Only u know what’s best for u. I sincerely hope they don’t disappoint u.
Ps– did u think to ask the east coast job for an extension (n def not tell anyone at current about it)? With that out of play, I fear they (ur current) will go back to their old tricks. That’s one way to let them unfold. Oh, n did they put u getting the tt position in writing? Otherwise, like me wearing a bikini its largely fantasy n future faking…
Noquay, my often unclearly-communicating Head did mention it more than once, the Dean mentioned it, but until it was posted all I knew was that the job was going to get advertised “soon.” I had no idea they meant this soon. It’s a lot easier for me to stomach staying this year when I understand it as underpinning my bid for the TT position.
2fearce – I didn’t ask for any extension. The east coast job is built out of desperation, a short-term highly paid thing because someone left and they need to get someone in there fast. I had asked about the possibility of work beyond this contract and they were cagey.
Teddie – I had intell from the person whose departure makes the east coast job available that the work demands were “killing her” and that she got minimal writing done by working “10-12 hours, often more, every day for the year.” I worked almost that much at this job last year and there’s no juice left for writing.
Noquay why is there less job security in a step-up? Is that because you’d have to leave the union?
I know there is no guarantee of the tenure-track job. But if having your whole department tell you you should apply (and I’m meeting with the poetry prof who is retiring to see if she’ll support my application) isn’t one of the best positions to be in, I can’t imagine what would be. If they don’t choose me for TT, then I’m free, I’ll move on.
I just let the east coast school know I am not coming. The guy sounded so unimpressed with me (not fun for my people-pleasing side). I have told my Head he owes me a beer.
For those of you who are here to talk boyfriends and MMs and exes, hope that you understand that for me, all these dynamics of asserting myself, knowing my “market value,” figuring out my own mind and personal values, and understanding myself in community, are part of the holistic approach to life and relationships that I knew I needed to get a grip on after emerging from two psychologically abusive relationships.
The happier and calmer I am with all my decisions and with how I live my own life, the more often I feel confident that my overall contentment will flower, eventually, into love. (That doesn’t mean I won’t still have stress-mess days of doubt and fear! 😉 )
I actually do like myself… outside of those times when I descend into meanness. I have found that mean me usually comes out when I’m unhappy with what I’m NOT accomplishing.
I am largely positive in outlook (for others anyway) but find living up to my own expectations tremendously difficult n overbearing. Spend a lot of time thinking n not doing. I’m the best of cheerleaders for my friends…not so much for mys
Hi2 fearce, “You don’t know me but it mattered a lot more when I didn’t know me.”…could be read in the context of your bouts of meanness, don’t know but might be worth a try. Some questions that come to mind; what fear/s keep you from acting ‘out there’ and having agency? afraid you might be slighted? is that ginormous gap between head and life real? If not, out there, I’d take a punt that it’s in your head space as well. I hope you figure out something if it’s something you’d like to change.
let go of the picture of the perfect u and the inner judge has nothing to shove in ur face
p.s. it just occurred to me re: your mentioning accomplishments that there are some good posts here on perfectionism – it often manifests in having unrealistic to impossible expectations of oneself or being fearful about accomplishing goals that are achievable because the result just won’t be good enough.
Mags,
Super proud of u for keeping sight of what’s important to u. Yup, I’m a lil jelly— wanna be u when I grow up 🙂
Nobody knows nobody, or maybe a little, they are not in your boots, they don’t live your feelings, your past experiences, your life! They have no right to judge!!!…judging someone is just judging yourself. Judging is arrogant & egoist, we all do it. We are all in the same boat. ” within ourselves, we possess every trait & it’s polar opposite, every human emotion & impulse.” Debbie Ford: “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”.
Best thing I read in a long time!
Well, here’s what’s going on with me…I’m plagued with some freak that feels he had a divine right to rape my privacy and listen in on my life. Then, in his supreme grandiosity, he felt it necessary to point out every single f*** thing he saw as dysfunctional or wrong or inadequate. Then, as if that weren’t enough, he expected me to thank him – yes, I spit nails when I typed that – not to be over the top angry. Oh, did I mention he is such a coward that he won’t communicate directly? Did I also mention he smeared my reputation with everyone I knew because he had some psycho babble bs theory that he thinks should apply to my life? He’s so lost in his own mind, he projects all his “feelings” (said with a mocking tone) onto everyone else, namely me (at the moment). I did not deserve this and I am not going to stand for it. Oh, oh, that’s not enough – if I expose him he claims he will kill me, my kids, etc. (but he claims he may kill us all anyway, so…) So, I guess I am supposed to sit here fuming. Thing is, I don’t fume well. I explode, over and over and over again. I won’t be violated like that. I won’t. Strange thing is, usually I am very forgiving; I don’t take things personally, I assume the best about people. But this is different. This was deliberate and vicious. I’ll forgive when he fixes everything he broke. And, no, just leaving it is not an option. That would be like saying it was acceptable to treat me that way – AND IT WASN’T.
one more thing…I have no problem getting to know people, and them to know me. IF they treat me like a whole person. I like people, I want to know them, I am very accepting, I truly don’t care what people look like or do for a living, whether they are on probation or a CEO, almost everyone has something to offer, but once someone cannot get past what they “think” I will be like – and has to tear me down in order to make me “real” in their mind, that is a tough one to get past. Preconceived notions are real relationship killers and so damned unfair. The catch 22 is, once they tear you down, they find out you’re real alright, but, there you lay, in pieces on the floor – and none of these dismantlers ever know how to put you back together again, they just walk away, like you owed it to them because you piqued their interest. The problem is, I am completely sick of lying there like a dissected frog. It should be my choice to reveal my insides – or not…MY CHOICE, no matter the level of someone else’s curiosity.
This sounds frightening, I can understand why you’re so angry but really you can’t change him, only yourself. The other thing you can do, rather than putting over the top energy into being angry and trying, wanting or waiting for him too change, is to protect your self emotionally and physically(?). From what you write this man sounds dangerous. If he threatened to kill you and your children, shouldn’t you be involving the authorities in some way? Do you live with this man?
Hi Natalie! Im from Mexico and time ago i found this website, since that moment i buy your book (i almost finish it) and have bookmark your blog and follow you on fb, i really like hearing what u need to say. Im 26 years old and im in the middle of the nowhere, i feel pretty lost with no idea wich path to take, i keep looking for answers and keep reading and everyday try to be more positive, i thank you cause you have been so much of help for me. Hug from Mexico!
Suki,
Thank u! I’m unemployed n very stressed. I’ve been volunteering n walking as much as I can, but eventually it all comes back to me how uncertain my future is. I have a plan, a very detailed well thought out (probably overthought) plan… Putting it into action is scaring the mess out of me tho.
Mags
Nope, we are not unionized, it has to do with admin vs faculty contracts being different.
NML,
I just wanted to drop by and thank you for all the difference you have made to EVER SINGLE ASPECT in my LIFE. Because of everything you have shared here and the courage of the others who share their stories and thoughts, I am seeing so much of a difference in my thought, actions and beliefs. I am learning everything, Im doing things so differently, fewer negative voices and thoughts. It’ll be an ongoing journey.
I am here, I am reading everything and about everyone – just wanting to be a silent spectator for the moment.
I send you and everyone my biggest, warmest hugs 🙂
here are my thanks for your lifeline.
i’ve visited the site over the last three years-during what has been a tumultuous, and now ending relationship with someone i suspect has a narcissistic flair for non-commitment, but no guts to be honest about it.
i’ve tried to go no-contact, many times. many many times. it’s guilt, or loyalty, or investment in a best friend, or just heart love.
after 3 years in graduate school, my “friend” has done a jekyll & hyde. found out about three weeks ago that he has been doing things that he didn’t think were important. like being open about his life. basically the dripfeed you talk about. the whole relationship has been a dripfeed. dripfeed of low to no sex as well. so i became abstinent. eventually the resentment faded away and i focused on the friendship.
he’s hidden the truth for a since probably, February. guess i don’t believe anything he says now. i’ve resorted to angry rages. unhelpful.
he’s recounting that i am now the enemy. really? could it really be all about my anger. he’s even clipping his nosehairs. for someone i’ll probably never know about. while…
i just made a masters degree for us.
i’ve cared and loved. going 7 days a week at my degree and working and stressing out.
now that it’s come time to “make a life” together, he suddenly is taking long long baths, disappearing off of the airwaves, suddenly has a spotless apartment, and is badmouthing me to my face and who knows who.
i am looking for work. soon i will be out of a place to live. he said, “oh, well why don’t you take steps to avoid being homeless?” (message: you are not moving in here) (really? did i want to?)
had two days no contact. then broke it just in time to hear the news. could it really be over? if i can accept it (i think i can), will he try to hurt me some more? i depended on him, confided in him, and stood by him. his dishonesty broke my heart in shreds. i am angry and hurt. but each day i stay with my tenderness for my heart, my anger is being angry at myself for trusting and being deceived. i should have left when i could; too busy with the degree and needing support. lesson of the heart.
thank you for listening and for the space to turn to. your writing has been of great help to me.
I wish I had known this when I was 18. This sort of thinking had ruined things for me and other people’s misguided assumptions rubbed off on my poor self-image. I have dealt with people saying I thought I was better than everyone else (while living in a night shelter and feeling like everyone else was better than me) and I’ve been told that I’m not afraid (they know what people look like when they are frightened and it’s not the way I look) while terrified in hospital. I have started to see things your way now, to see how I am right about me, and other people are mistaken and their opinion is less well informed than my own about me. I have stopped outsourcing my self image and I feel much better for it. There is still damage left to repair from decades of this distorted living though… one day at a time 🙂
Thanks for this enlightening article. More people need to read this and take it onboard.
Brilliant.
I read your blog regularly for a dose of sanity and humanity in this crazy world and polishing the emotional intelligence mirror.
Keep doing what you do and thank you for your gift to all of us.
I’ve been furthering my BR journey as I embark on my wacky adventure of running for office. Wow, what an experience. I think at 54, after several years on BR, and several husbands along the way, and one daughter, I am getting to know me…frigging finally. I’m putting together a website which contains my positions on the “issues”. That’s been an eye-opener. First page of the political training manual: “Who Are You”? I thought I was reading BR! That sent me into deep, deep reflection. Who am I? BTW, I was reading the training manual on the same day of this post. It was like there was an echo chamber in the universe. I was stumped. How could BR and a political training manual be in sync? So I wandered around in my garden pondering the question. I had to figure it out because I’m on deadline both metaphorically and literally. I started writing and slowly I emerged. The more I wrote, the more I emerged. The outwardly confident, intelligent, and attractive me sent the stupid, worthless, fraudlent me to the rubbish bin. When you see it on paper, the evidence simply does not support that inner conclusion of worthlessness. That’s the BR awareness for which I am ever grateful. I thought perfection would compensate for my for my inner percieved lack of worth.
So, I’ve attended a few political events, listening to “politicians” and they are people, who have stories, sometimes heartwrentching stories. I used to compare and think she is perfect. When I talk with them, my projected fantasy about their life is always wrong.
I’m in awe Natalie. Have you thought of being a political consultant? This is in every circumstance: “If I want people to know me, I’ve got to get to know me and be me.”
Gotta say, I am totally in my element. I’m talking issues, having so much fun, and BR is on my shoulder every moment. Folks are loving my “theme” and “message” which is: “Looking Forward and Planning for the Future”. Everything I’ve written is positive and happy. I feel like I need to pay you Nat for, well, everything!
That is just too cool, runner. See how well your BR name works for someone running for office! One thing I felt I took away from BR at the beginning was that if we were sticking around with some AC who was treating us poorly, we must think they have something or are something that we can never have or be. You have come so far since flushing the AC, and I remember his political career being something you mentioned. Now you’re claiming that turf for yourself … wonderful!! Keep us posted on what is sure to be a thrilling journey!
Sounds like a great theme. Good luck girl! Your off and running 🙂
this is everything ive ever felt put into words..thank u sooooooo much..i wish i could make everyone read this
Wow–this was posted a month before I found this site. So poignant. I’d say this is where I’m at because there is no Mr. EUM distracting me from myself right now. So I’m left to contend with my own demons, behaviors, attitudes. It’s been unpleasant lately to say the least…but I’m just going with the ugly feelings in the hope that I work through something. In the meantime I’ve been snarly, negative and not feeling very hopeful. And quite overwhelmed to the point of not taking care of myself and my priorities. But I AM working through it.