Often, when we recognise our boundary issues, it’s all-too-easy to start chopping and cutting. We think that distancing ourselves, restricting our circle, maybe calling out the people we believe have taken advantage, is the way to go. But then we tend to second-guess ourselves. We wonder if we’re being overzealous, going overboard, and being too hard on people. This is especially so when we maybe start to feel a bit lonely or the initial ‘high’ of taking action wears off. Given that we’re clearly new to boundaries, we might even wonder if our boundaries are wrong.
Boundaries are only overzealous or, in fact, not boundaries at all when they’re walls.
This is when, whether consciously or not, you’re guarded and creating defences against your fears and the past happening again. This is very different from boundaries, which reflect your values and awareness of your responsibilities and the type of relationship and dynamic you want to have with that person.
So boundaries are about trust, at the very least, in one’s self, whereas walls are about fear.
Check in with yourself about your attempts to be boundaried
Are you trying to rule the other party?
Is a part of you trying to control the uncontrollable?
Are you scared of being hurt again and guarding against a re-run of the past?
Is there an expectation for them to change in a way that would make you feel more comfortable? This is different from you having the boundary that would let you get on with the business of being you regardless of whether they do or don’t change.
Are you being passive-aggressive and expressing built-up resentment and frustration about stuff you shouldn’t have let slide before?
Is it about trying to make up for the past, including where family or other significant people in your past didn’t give you the attention, affection, approval, love and validation that you craved?
Is it about being angry and frustrated with people about various things that if you truly stepped back and were honest about what’s going on or you acknowledged the story you’re telling you, it’s old baggage calling on you to have a better boundary so you can move forward and heal that aspect of your past?
The answer isn’t to remain angry and build a wall. Forgiveness and healthy boundaries come from being truthful about the missing boundary and evolving it in some way.
Boundaries are two-fold, so when you set or know what the boundary is for others, you own your side of the street no matter how teeny tiny you might consider it to be. It means amending your boundaries so that you’re not open to the same situation in the same way again. That might be the mental boundaries of how you’re thinking about it or the physical boundaries of what you do. Or it could be the emotional boundaries of knowing the difference between your feelings and theirs, which stops you from projecting.
So, yes, you could, for example, after recognising your people-pleasing ways decide to step back from friends and family that you believe took liberties. Or, you could be more boundaried with your yes and come from a place of honesty and authenticity. That way, you don’t have to feel as if you have to cull people or be on guard—because you’re not screwing you over anymore.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2025, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
Manage Cookie Consent
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.