Boundaries Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

I Am Not Invisible

March 9, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Sometimes we find ourselves experiencing a sense of invisibility and it can be all too easy to put it down to us being too sensitive/needy/dramatic/not confident enough and blah blah blah. Granted, we all have our moments of insecurity and yes, sometimes we project that on to others because of our self-critical relationship and low self-worth, but when we are being marginalised, forgotten or embarrassed by others, even if it’s unintentional, it’s not an us-problem. The crap we’re experiencing is real.

Yesterday, at an event for women as part of International Women’s Day where the talking points were getting the many qualified women who struggle to return to work after a career break back into the workforce, discrimination, diversity and the importance of the visibility of women in STEM (science, engineering, technology and maths), I was treated as if I was invisible thanks to what had seemed like an organisational error. The catalogue of events was unfortunate and embarrassing. As I sat there, I heard said to myself, “I’m worth more than this.” I spoke up for myself at the event and you can check out the full story below.

Women are systematically mistreated and marginalised every single day and not everyone has a voice.

Even when we do have a voice and dare to speak up, we are criticised, blamed and shamed. I talk about this in the video and extensively in this podcast episode, ‘From Silent To Speaking Up & Speaking Out where I share my experiences of abuse and speaking up.

We’re told about how their behaviour isn’t the problem and that we should have “spoken up sooner”, been “more assertive”, worn something different, been less sexy, more this, less that. It’s all bullshit. In my case, I was told, “If we are to work together again, however, what I would ask from you, in return, is to step up to future opportunities with certitude, clarity and confidence and be responsible for any unconscious bias that informs your assessment about the success of the event.”

Sometimes, as I experienced, the criticism, blame and shame we encounter for the actions (and inaction) of others is at the hands of women. And I won’t stand for it. Not from men or women.

Too many women have been mistreated.

I posted about my experience yesterday on Instagram and have been overwhelmed by the response. The original videos I recorded disappear after 24 hours and I felt that it was important to share my story.

Thank you. And please: if you feel in any way touched by what I have shared, do share the video or this post.

Advice Wednesday: Should I Cut Off The Friend Who Keeps Trying To Make Me Look Bad?

November 16, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Evelyn asks: I have been working on making new friends. I have a new(ish) ‘friend’ who decided to tell a group we were hanging with, a story about what happened when we were camping. Thing is, she changed it so I looked like a bad person, or at least not very considerate. I sat there very surprised. I did speak up and said, “No, that’s not what happened, this is what really happened.“ This is not the first time she’s tried to make me look bad, especially when men are around. I’ve defended myself so far. She also seems to have to be the centre of attention. Now I feel very guarded around her, she threw me under the bus. I am considering saying something directly about it, now that I see it’s a pattern, yet wonder if I would be better off just to cut my losses.

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One of the questions we’re often faced with in new relationships of all kinds is, Is this OK? As in, is what they’re saying/doing or how I’m feeling/thinking about it OK? We ask this question because we’re experiencing discomfort, which is our cue to be more boundaried, which some of us find just as hard to do with new people as we do with more familiar folk, sometimes even more so.

Let’s be real: we don’t make new friends or in fact new relationships full stop, with quite the ease that we did when we were younger and for some of us, it’s never been easy. For instance, a significant portion of the BR tribe that I’ve met or conversed with have traumatic experiences of friendship that still influence their self-esteem as well as their confidence in friendships today. I’ve come across women who don’t trust any women, men and women who don’t seem to realise that their ‘best friend’ is their tormenter, people who have given up on friendship altogether and experience grief and loneliness, and people who are stuck in a rut with their high school circle of friends.

You haven’t divulged the ins and outs of what happened while camping but that’s neither here nor there: She recounted the story in such a way that you felt sufficiently embarrassed and as if your character was being cast in a certain light so that your friend could either enhance her reputation in this social circle or so that she could distract from herself by cutting you down.

As it’s a new friendship, you not only don’t have an established pattern on which to draw wider inferences about her overall character, motives or even backstory, but when she behaves in this manner amongst other people who are new to you, it speaks to that base fear of looking ‘the fool’ and ‘uncool’ amongst peers who we want to impress or at the very least, fit in with.

Friendship plays an important role in our sense of belonging and security. While we might have family who we feel that we can express our innermost feelings and thoughts with, friendships do represent the family we would choose for ourselves, if we have the self-knowledge, self-awareness and self-esteem to do so of course.

What strikes me in your story, Evelyn, is that this relatively new friend behaves in a manner that has the potential to significantly impact not just on the dynamic of the friendship but also your self-image, if you allow her. Now you could take enemy binoculars and draw the conclusion that she’s out to destroy you and even see her behaviour as a reflection of you, or you through compassionate binoculars you could see it for what it is:

Insecurity.

Advice Wednesday: I Tried To Rescue Him From His Unfair Open Relationship & He Went Back To Her

October 5, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

Marie asks: I met a couple five years ago in our cycling club. For the last 3 years, they’ve had some sort of unfair open relationship, although she seems to have her cake and eat it more than he does since he’s a bit of a Mr. Nice Guy and doesn’t have much success with women. During this time he started chasing me, declaring his feelings to me, and his wife tried to push each of us together as well. I always bluntly refused but he still continued to pursue me, and we occasionally had platonic drinks and meals.

Last summer when I was vulnerable and lacking tenderness plus I could see how badly it was going between them (she had recently had a three-ways with guys at the club), I finally gave him a chance, minimising potential impacts on me in order to give him a kick to sort out his life once and for all and to stop always forgiving her and going back to her (I’m a bit of a Florence, and actually real ex-nurse now journalist). I want him to be out of this, without any regard to me. Truly, I hated seeing him doing this to himself.

So I slept with him and against all expectations, since I was not at all physically attracted to him at first, I liked it. It was not passion; it was pure tenderness and I really loved it. We saw each other a few times and he asked to see me more often claiming he was obsessing about this. I told him that I liked him a lot but that I would never share him with his wife and then I took a few steps back.

Six weeks later, he announced that he had finally decided to leave her after 17 years, two kids, and her cheating on him ten years before. Two weeks later, he changed his mind. After having pushed him toward me, she sent me messages advising that I shouldn’t get “too attached to him”, that it was going “too far”, that it was not the deal that she had with him… so I bailed out completely. These two are toxic and I’m glad to be out. I feel overall better, but still, I’m also deeply mad at him and moreover at myself for having let this happen. How can I deal with the fact that I’ll have to see him again at the club and on the board (we were both elected) and that all I want to do is scream at him? Should I leave the club? I work from home 5 days a week and I need this social crowd.

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Marie, Marie, Marie, Marie, Marie! In the words of Oda Mae Brown (‘Ghost’), “Marie, you in danger girl.” From the moment that I saw the words “unfair open relationship”, I knew that you were biased towards him.

Do you know what I saw as I was read your letter? A child caught between her parents, feeling sorry for poor put-upon daddy who she has to protect from narcissistic, ‘evil’ mommy who doesn’t know how to be a proper wife never mind a mother. That same child is inappropriately used as a confidante and emotional airbag, and is so eager to be loved that she pledges her allegiance to the put-upon parent, only to be let down by that parent who never ‘chooses’ her, causing her to feel hurt, rejection, and a sense of injustice.

You’ve taken one look at her and what you perceive as their relationship and gravitated to him and over-empathised—you’ve put yourself in his imagined shoes and then projected some of your own beliefs and personal experiences including some hidden motivations. You appointed yourself as his saviour and decided to advocate for him with it culminating in you offering your body as a vessel for him to sail away from this woman.

I’ve gotta say, this is one hell of a sacrifice for some guy you met at the cycling club who repeatedly crossed boundaries by ignoring your lack of receptiveness. He was a guy you felt sorry for, or what I should say is that he’s a guy that represents someone else you feel sorry for that you’ve attempted to right the wrongs of the past with—who is that?

What is it from your past that this involvement represents? Where else in your life have you been caught between two people and picked sides?

When you understand that, you will understand your hidden motivations along with the pain, fear and guilt you carry that have surfaced in this involvement and caused you to breach your boundaries in a way that’s left you deeply wounded.

You’ve been in a three-way without you even realising it.

The truth is, it’s none of your business what is going on between this couple. Fair, unfair, wonderful, crap: whatever it is, it’s none of your business. You might not agree with the terms of their agreement or how she rolls but he does.

The cycling club is where they get their rides in more ways than one and what you have been absolutely blinded to in all of this is that this guy is in an open relationship. You seem to be under the misguided impression that she’s in an open relationship and he’s an unwilling participant who is held hostage to it.

You give too much. You hated seeing this guy in this situation without hating seeing you in this situation.

There’s definitely an element of martyrdom: he has either amped up his situation and played on your sympathies in order to gain sympathy which then became a currency he could ‘spend’ on sex with you or, you inadvertently made a martyr out of him in your head and through your actions and choices by exaggerating his discomfort to fit the narrative of what you had essentially already decided.

Either way you’ve been played because my spidey sense tells me that you’re not the first woman caught in the crosshairs of this dysfunctional pair. They even tag-teamed you and instead of picking up the code red alert, you felt even more sympathy. On some level, because you had this narrative worked out where he’s the victim, you’re the rescuer and she’s the villain, when she tried to push you both together, it must have been flattering because he was assumed to be this poor, unwitting man who had no success with the ladies despite being free to do so and now you were effectively being deemed really attractive and suited to him.

When we examine why we get involved in and remain in piggy in the middle situations despite signs that we need to exit and leave them to it, what we see is that despite our very real complaints and hurt over it, we are motivated by what we get out of the role because we need to feel needed (Florence Nightingaling) and we enjoy the attention.

I don’t blame you for being angry with him and I also understand the anger that you’re directing at yourself. It’s the whole knowing deeper inside what was really going on and what you needed to be and do but being too scared to do it and hoping that you could have the fairy tale or that it would at the very least all work itself out without you having to get ‘mean’ about it (read: have some healthy boundaries). You may have felt guilty and disloyal about knocking him back because of whatever and whoever this experience is connected. It’s feeling as if you have let you down and you don’t know how to get that decision back because you can’t turn back time.

You’re angry with him because he’s chosen the villain and this has sparked resentment and poked at old wounds. He’s not letting you be the saviour.

The truth is, he doesn’t want to be ‘free’, there is a hidden payoff to remaining, and this marriage suits his narrative.

Acknowledge what this whole situation was really about. When you do, you will begin healing something enormous from the past that will help you to transform yourself out of this situation. Recognise the journey you have made to this point so that you can understand the beliefs and experiences that made you ripe for this situation. Forgive your younger self for not being able to understand the nuances of adult relationships and for not being able to save whoever it was. It wasn’t your job in the first place—see my post on being over-responsible.

Work through your anger. Therapy, counselling or other forms of support can help with this. As a starting point, begin with Unsent Letters (guide here) which will help you to write out and release those feelings. It will also help you to take responsibility. Yes, this couple are grossly inappropriate but when you acknowledge the story you’ve been telling you and where you had blurred boundaries, you can put healthier emotional, mental and physical boundaries in place that allow you to forgive you so that you can move forward without walls.

It will also give you the opportunity to forgive your younger self including the more recent versions of you, for what she didn’t know and to also identify what it was from the past that revealed itself through this experience. Get cracking on expressing that anger and it will become clearer to you about whether you want to stay in this club. Personally, I would leave. Why would you surround yourself in such negativity energy? Does it serve your highest, most evolved and loving self to step into this environment?

Do you need this social crowd? I work five days a week from home and sure, I’d like to do some more things where I mix with people but I’m not interested in hanging around in any place that’s effectively a swingers or whatever club masquerading as hobby meet-up. The question is, are you? Don’t let your ego convince you that this is the only place you can make friends.

Have you tried to rescue somebody from what you felt was a bad relationship? What would you advise Marie to do?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. If you are looking to make a big breakthrough in your relationship pattern so that you can be truly open for the relationship you want and deserve, check out The Breakthrough.

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Some People Can’t Handle Exceptions

September 26, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Have you ever made a special concession for someone because you wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt or because you felt that they were special, only for you to find yourself grappling with boundary issues? Or maybe it’s that you unconsciously deviated from what you consistently do and have tried to revert to the norm only to be met with resistance from the other party? If so, you’ve not only encountered somebody who doesn’t handle exceptions very well but it’s likely that you’re discovering that you don’t handle your own exceptions very well.

Consistency is a landmark of healthy relationships and yet many of us resist it because we associate some of the fluctuations that are experienced from inconsistency with spontaneity, which can also appear to pave the way to the likes of passion, excitement and chemistry. Now I don’t deny that having a level of spontaneity in life full stop, is something that we can all build into our lives but when we are spontaneous about how we uphold our boundaries and live by our values, our lives are haphazard.

When living happily and authentically is what we consistently do, the odds of what we do spontaneously being in line with this are very high. If, however, we don’t have a good grasp on who we are plus we’re prone to people pleasing and so trying to influence and control other people’s feelings and behaviour by being compliant even at the expense of our own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions, the odds of our spontaneity being a reflection of our true selves is mighty slim.

Now throw a third party into the mix who has their own relationship with boundaries and values: If they’re in the camp that gets boundaries, then regardless of whether we uphold our boundaries or not, they’re likely to be behind the line, but if they take their cues, not from their own internal guidance per se or even what they know in general to be right and instead get the measure of things via cues from what they perceive as the length and breadth of what we’re OK with and how that fits with the opportunity to ‘get’ something, they will maximise exceptions either at the time or store them, even if it’s subconsciously, in their long-term memory to bank at a later date.

So let’s imagine that you’ve made an exception in the early stages of dating someone because you felt as if they had a lot of potential and didn’t want to scupper your chances. It might have felt like an investment in your joint future. You might have regarded this exception as a one-time thing and even moved on from it but it, along with what they regard as other inconsistencies even if they were smaller and didn’t even ping on your own radar, have been filed as evidence or even ammunition to get you to change your mind at a later date [about the boundary or another one]. They boundary bust at various sizes which makes it confusing because if they go smaller than previous, you might not want to appear to be picking them up about everything not realising that it might get turned back on you at a later date.

Advice Wednesday: My Gentlemanly Boyfriend Is A Porn Addict With Questionable Tastes

September 14, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 8 Minutes

Christine asks: I’m divorced with two young children. I met a man online who seemed really wonderful. He’s kind, works with children coaching soccer, and always acted like a gentleman.

I had a strange feeling though, and I can’t shake it. He is 40, handsome, has a good job, but he’s only had two relationships in his life – a high school girlfriend and a girlfriend 7 years ago that was long distance (and they only dated for a year). This seemed strange because I couldn’t find any reason that women wouldn’t be throwing themselves at him.

Several dates in, we had a disagreement as he’d begun sending me sexual texts. I’m not comfortable being sexual with someone who is still active on dating websites, and I told him so. He got mad and told me I had no right to ask him to leave the website. He stopped talking to me. Bummed because he seemed great, I discussed it with a friend who advised that he was probably right as we weren’t committed. After emailing him an apology, the sexting continued.

Once we started having sex, I learned that he’s into some very strange things. He wants me to do things to him that gay men do to each other (if you catch my drift). Also he watches a lot of porn and his favourite includes young girls about 14-16. It really bothered me because the porn is not fake—they are videos that the girls made themselves to send to a boyfriend or something. I tried to get him to see that it was wrong, but he insisted that all guys like that type of porn and its normal. I can’t make him feel sorry for the girls. He also watches a lot of other strange porn.

A few weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend, went off the website and invited me to meet his parents and given me the key to his apartment, so things were going really well, however, one time he said he was going to work and on his return home, he texted a photo of him naked on the couch. The time and date stamp was when he was supposed to be at work. I asked him how he took the picture when he was at work and he called me crazy. I can’t prove it but I suspect that he sent the picture to someone else.

Last weekend, we had a lovely evening together and then he left to go to another town 3 hours away to coach soccer. That night I was texting with him and he mentioned that he was meeting a friend for dinner but sounded kinda shady. I shared this with a friend who advised that I snoop around his apartment. I know it’s wrong but I couldn’t shake my unease and wanted proof of something. When I got to his apartment, to my surprise, he was home. I told him I’d come to pick up earrings I’d left behind but I was shocked that he was home because he’d said he was at dinner. I didn’t speak to him for a few days but then he called full of excuses about why he couldn’t tell me he was coming back home—apparently he didn’t want to text and drive and that was just getting ready to tell me when I arrived.

I want to believe he’s a good man because he has so much potential and wants to introduce me to his parents. He normally treats me very well when we are together, we love watching a show together and playing trivia games. He trusted me with his key and I’ve introduced him to my children. I see a future with him. What should I believe?

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Christine, what you need to believe right now is that you’re with a man who is into watching pornography that features underage girls—you do know that’s illegal?—and his sexual values are not compatible with you, being around your children, or in fact coaching children in soccer or children full stop. He is not the ‘good man’ you so desperately want to believe him to be. This man has potential…to find himself on the registered sex offenders list and spend time behind bars.

Just like alcoholics don’t look like someone rolling around in a bush with a bottle in a brown paper bag, paedophiles and sex offenders don’t have a special ‘look’.

They have jobs, sometimes they’re a parent, they help out the elderly, go to church, donate to charity, are sometimes world-renowned and talented, and the former perversely gravitate to working in jobs or partaking in extra-curricular activities that involve them being around children. Being in possession of and watching child pornography, even if you think that ‘child’ doesn’t seem like one, is a criminal offence pretty much wherever you go, and all that aside, it makes him a no-go as a relationship partner.

You are involved with a charming man who seems to have few sexual inhibitions, a porn addiction, scant regard for your feelings or the truth never mind for the basics of forging a romantic relationship, and who is prone to manipulation including gaslighting. No matter how much you like a TV show, playing trivia games, how gentlemanly he seems, or the fact that he wants to introduce you to his parents, the truth cannot be obscured.

There are so many things wrong with this situation and the fact that you have continued with this sociopath masquerading as a gentleman causes me to wonder, Why is Christine so OK with this situation? Why does this feel like home?

Advice Wednesday: How Do I Deal With My Husband’s Disrespectful Behaviour When He Keeps Denying It?

September 7, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Janet asks: My husband indulges in a behaviour that I find rude, hurtful and disrespectful. I have told him how I feel and asked him to stop many times over the last two years. He denies that he does it, even said on occasion that it was in my head. I told him that if it happens again I will simply leave the situation/event.

We were out with friends last week and because of his behaviour, I left halfway through. He keeps asking why I left but I know that he will deny said behaviour so don’t see the point of going through it again only to end up arguing. I told him that it was about me taking control of me and it was not about him.

Here is my question: Should I explain why I left? Or did I do the right thing?

Hope you can help. We have another event coming up soon and I’m planning on responding the same way if he shows inconsiderate behaviour again (which he probably will as I think it’s a habit now).

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One of the fastest ways to leave someone feeling as if their feelings are invalid, to crazy-make them, and to wear down their last nerve, is to have a stock answer to concerns or a particular concern that pretty much amounts to saying, “Problem? What problem? You are the problem” and then whistling and looking in the other direction.

When we are told that we are “too sensitive”, “too needy”, “making a big deal out of nothing”, that we’re a “drama queen/king”, “psycho”, “looking for trouble”, “making a fool out of ourselves”, “being insecure”, “jealous” and the list goes on, it’s a dismissal. The fact that it’s being done by someone with whom we are supposed to be sharing an intimate relationship where there’s a need to treat each other with love, care, trust and respect including seeing and hearing each other even when there’s a potential for criticism or conflict, puts us in a precarious place.

Maybe it really is just me, we wonder. We fear pushing the issue in case it breaks the relationship, not realising that denying our feelings and not addressing the problem will lead to far bigger problems.

But here’s the thing: Our problems in relationships are shared. When one wins, both win. When one loses, both lose. It’s part of being on an intimate team.

Sure, it’s not easy to self-reflect and see ourselves through another person’s eyes but it’s what’s needed in order to empathise—empathy is a critical ability in healthy people and healthy relationships. The alternative is to dismiss our loved one’s perspective and be self-aggrandising. And we shouldn’t be comfortable with our partner’s repeated discomfort nor is it a good idea to take the dismissive stance because it’s a major breach of trust.

Our partners don’t need to agree with every feeling and perception that we have but in any relationship where we want it to grow and deepen, each party needs to be open to hearing the other person out, respectfully. Crazy-making you just isn’t cool.

Now Janet, you don’t say exactly what it is that your husband does when you’re out but suffice to say that it’s big enough to drag on for two years.

Take this piece of advice and hold it close:

Tell him what you see. Tell him what you hear.

He can’t tell you that the description of what he said and did is in your imagination. He can query your interpretation but not the existence. What he can deny is your feelings because he’s not feeling them and they’re easy to run rings around. He immediately blows a hole in your argument by basically going, “I deny that I’m making you feel that”.

He’ll also reason that he’s not trying to hurt you, you know, that it’s not his intention, but when you start talking in the lingo of outcomes, suddenly your position is clear.

Let’s be real: if your husband was a feeling and perceiving kinda guy, you wouldn’t still be trying to explain your feelings to him about this issue two years down the road.

This is why I teach people to deal in facts—The Be Factual Approach, something I teach on Embrace Healthy Boundaries.

What people cannot argue with is facts or certainly how their behaviour looks through another person’s eyes. They have an opportunity to clarify their intention and meaning, or light dawns on marble head and they suddenly grasp what the issue is. It also means that you take responsibility for your side of the street where you acknowledge your part no matter how small. That might not be about the situation/event per se—it might be about owning your boundaries. Sometimes we substitute showing through boundaries with repeatedly talking about something.

Talking about feelings, while it’s something that so many of us in this world avoid, it’s actually the one thing we do during conflict and it misses the point.

Facts first, then feelings.

Describe the actions. Be specific. Be factual where possible.
Repeat what was said and try to be verbatim. If he corrects you, he can always tell you exactly what he said and meant….

I get walking out because you probably feel as if you’ve been explaining yourself until you’re blue in the face and there’s a lot to be said for positive reinforcement (exiting the events is your way of creating consequences), but aside from reaching an impasse in your relationship, is this going to change how you feel? Is this the action that’s going to allow you to feel happier and empowered?

It is important to take command of you and part of that is making yourself clear–no hinting–and following through with consistent action.

Example: “Over the past couple of years, I’ve attempted to get you to understand that some of the things that you say/do when we’re out at events feel rude, hurtful and disrespectful. As you know, I left [the event] halfway through and it was because the same thing was happening. The reason why I left is because you were ___________ [describe the specific behaviours and try to be as close to verbatim about anything that was said]. When you [summarise the overall issue, for example, flirt with others, put me down] by doing [and briefly highlight no more than 3 examples] or saying [and briefly highlight no more than 3 examples], this doesn’t feel respectful or fair. To add to this, when I have previously attempted to broach the issue with you, you refuse to acknowledge where I’m coming from, even saying that it’s in my imagination.

I love you and it’s because of this and the fact that I value our marriage, that it’s not only important for me to say this to you but also that we do our best to come together to resolve this issue. I don’t want to be walking out of events but it is what will happen if this issue continues. It’s important to me to be in a marriage where I feel acknowledged, respected, and valued, which is not how I feel at these events. If I haven’t been clear in the past about exactly what has been a source of pain for me, then I apologise. If I have misunderstood something, I am open to hearing your side of things, but what I don’t want is for you to dismiss what I’m saying. We can try to sort this out alone together or I am more than happy to go to couples counselling, but either way, we have to sort this out.”

This is also a good time to step back and ask yourself: What’s behind my choice in marrying this man? Is anything that I am experiencing here pinging on something from the past? If what he’s doing is an isolated issue, that can help you rebuild confidence in your relationship. If what he’s doing is emblematic of wider issues, then you can understand the bigger picture. It’s not your fault that he behaves as he does. What you need to take responsibility for is how you show up in your relationship and what you will do next. If what you’re experiencing here links up with something or someone from the past, it also points you to where you can heal old and present wounds by evolving in this situation.

And it’s not about whether you did the “right” thing; it’s about doing something.

No, leaving events isn’t a long-term solution but the consequences are clear. Now he knows you’re definitely not OK with something and that’s not in either of your imaginations.

Have you dealt with someone who denies the existence of an issue that keeps cropping up? Have you been in a situation where the same boundary keeps being crossed despite you expressing your hurt etc? What did you do? What would you suggest to Janet?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book a clarity session or coaching.

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Advice Wednesday: Do I Have Problems That I Can’t Admit To Or Am I Being Manipulated?

August 17, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Anna asks: How do you really know if someone is manipulating you or whether it’s you that’s really the one with problems and can’t admit to them?

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One of the things that people who are lean on empathy or who tend to blame others struggle to do is admit when they have an issue or are at fault, which means that they’re also unlikely to truly reflect and ask this type of question. The type of person who asks this question is invariably somebody who is a habitual blame absorber. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have issues but what it does mean is that they tend to take responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviour which includes assuming that because they have issues that they must be the one at fault or solely at fault. This makes them an easy mark for people who seek to influence and control via covert and more aggressive means.

If they have a hidden agenda, their criticism of you is in their interests not yours. The question you have to ask yourself Anna is, Do I feel influenced and controlled by this person?

Every moderately healthy relationship does need two parties who are cognisant of where each ends and the other begins. You each need to be able to trust that yes, at times there will be conflict and criticism but that there is ownership–maturity, responsibility and integrity–at the heart of these more difficult interactions.

Anna, you need to be able to trust that when this person is flagging something up to you or doing something, that they’re not trying to influence and control you as a way of gaining an advantage over you or deflecting from their own issues. This is unscrupulous, unfair, and yes, manipulative behaviour.

You also need to have trust in you and I would take this questioning as a wake-up call to have a very real and honest conversation with yourself because this relationship is bringing up a lot of self-doubt for you.

Advice Wednesday: Should I warn other newcomers about his behaviour?

June 8, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Many many moons ago, my seventeen-year-old self had a guy that she thought was a friend do a very bad thing to her. I wondered if it was because my friend and I had affectionately or so I’d thought, made a joke about him, and for the next year, I slid into pain and further loss of self. Then one night as we were, as we call it back home in Dublin, ‘knacker drinking’ (when teens go drinking on the beach, in the woods etc), it all came out that this person had done this to the bulk of the group–there were almost twenty of us–and my blame turned to fury and I gradually started to reclaim a little of myself although it impacted me for several years. And I made damn sure that others knew about it so that he could no longer benefit from the silence that had prevailed.

Put aside my own experience and think of abuse in general, and you can see how self-blame which leads to a code of silence stemming from shame, can keep a person in a bad situation long past its sell-by-date while also letting the perpetrator have free reign to keep up this persona.

One of the things that baffles people who experience mistreatment is the fact that this person is “liked by everyone”, but all that these people know is the persona plus ‘everyone’ doesn’t actually like this person. Once you stop making their behaviour about you and you stop thinking that you were specially selected for their dark side as if you must have provoked it, you will find others who know about them too.

In today’s Advice Wednesday, Michelle wants to know whether she should let other “newbies” know about the predator in their midst so that they don’t have to go through what she and others have. Now that she knows that she’s not alone, she wants to share her experiences but she fears coming across as a “gossip”.

Wrong behaviour is wrong behaviour even if that person is liked by ‘everyone’ (they’re not, no one is). Don’t judge a person on their reputation; judge your situation including their actions and pattern. Judging crappy treatment you’re getting on the superficial knowledge others have or the assumptions you might be making based on their status, is the fastest way of ensuring that you delay doing right by you while sheltering this person from the consequences of their actions.

And particularly for women, we must stop treating romantic partners, male or female, as if they’re the centre of the universe and ‘competing’ with other women as if there’s a shallow pool and there’s not enough of anything–jobs, money, friends, relationships, luck etc–to go round. We need to have our backs but also, when we do, we will not inadvertently collude with people who don’t have good intentions towards women and who are in fact opportunistic and using charm to divide and conquer.

Have you been part of a ‘harem’? Have you blamed yourself for someone’s predatory behaviour? What would you do in this situation?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book at a clarity session or coaching.

Forgiveness Made Simpler

June 6, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When it comes to forgiveness, we tend to overcomplicate it and yes, we sometimes act as if we’re a higher power that can bestow forgiveness on people while refusing to forgive ourselves, which results in us feeling angry, wounded, and trapped in a disappointment cycle.

Forgiveness is about letting go which only comes about with perspective, which is not something we can possibly have if we’re still blaming ourselves for why something went down or have put up walls as a way to defend us against ever being ‘back there’ again.

It’s like, OK, this person and that person hurt me/let me down/p-ssed me off/won’t become who I want/won’t amend their behaviour so that I can be in less pain without having to take assertive boundaried action, so I’m going to hold on to my anger or shame me so that the situation can never happen again. No one is gonna make a mug out of me again.

We then take, for example, a breakup and the clumsy, crass, and yes, possibly outrageous things that were said or done, and a wall goes up to filter out the possibility of hurt, blocking us from feeling and being vulnerable again and so making us unavailable.

We, whether it’s consciously or not, do things to defend against the possibility of being screwed over (keep reminding us of the past and pushing on our fears) and as a result we cannot move on (because we’re catering to the past) and the pattern continues. Being superglued to the past including this sense of guilt, anger, blame, shame, and any mistakes and failures we feel that we’ve made, compounds the pain.

Advice Wednesday: My boyfriend is still married to two women–what should I do?

May 4, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Have you ever been in a situation where if someone else were to tell you that they were in it, you’d be telling them to run for the hills, yet despite this, you’re still there?

I’ve been in some situations where I look back and wonder if I was smoking crack but at the time, the chaos, the absurdity, seemed so normal and there was a part of me wondering if I was being “too harsh” [in recognising the loud code red alerts] and so I second-guessed everything that my mind and body was screaming at me but that I was pushing down, after all, what if this was going to be my fairy tale ending? I think as well, when something is so outrageous but you’re having a good time with this person or you’re inclined to see or should I say, magic up the ‘good’ in people, you can be inclined to rationalise the outrageous, hoping and praying that the outrageous is a blip, the result of desperate moment and that with the love of the right person, they would have no need to do that thing to you.

When you try to bury something outrageous, it becomes an outrageous lie that reflects a betrayal of the self.

Love doesn’t need lies and deception and no matter what somebody claims is their reason for lying to us and possibly others, it is a code red alert to hit pause and depending on how far and wide the lie goes and whether this person is even making amends, it’s time to take a parachute and jump, even if your heart isn’t on board with the truth yet–it’ll get on board when you leave and start telling you the truth instead of denying, rationalising, minimising and excusing so that you can continue with the lie.

In today’s Advice Wednesday (it’s back and in video format), I help Sherry understand why she needs to make her exit. It’s all I can do not to stick on an orange jumpsuit and come through her roof intervention style!

The big takeaway from this situation that can be applied to any and all situations, is never ignore red flags (code amber and red alerts) or your gut and intuition and always take assertive action when confronted with anything related to honesty and integrity because somebody who does not truly care about being honest and their integrity, cannot treat you with love, care, trust and respect. You will be seen as a means to an end as they advance their self-interest.

Have you ever been in a situation that now that you’re out of it, you realise how outrageous it was? What was the clincher for you that finally gave you the impetus to get out? If you have any insights or some advice, please do share.

Take care of you,

Nat

Advice Wednesday #6: My Husband’s Adult Children Keep Rejecting Me & He Took Off His Ring To Appease His Ex-Wife

March 2, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

The tricky situation: Jennifer explains…. I got divorced in 2010 and in 2013 I met another man and married him. He’s a very good husband to me, very caring, helpful, and romantic. Our wedding was in my garden, with the presence of my family only, because he told me his children would not come anyway.

From then on I did everything in my power to get to know his four children. I’ve contacted them through Facebook, sent them some messages, Christmas presents, presents for the baby his daughter just had. There was only silence from their side, till one day the daughter invited me to her house (in another city) but treated me in a terribly cold way. She also told me that her brothers do not want to know about me.

Recently, the daughter-in-law responded to an invitation from me with, “I’m a Catholic and I cannot talk to you, because for me there is only one marriage”. His daughter then sent me a message saying that I will never be welcomed there because of her mother! Well, my husband hasn’t lived with his ex-wife for more than 20 years and I do not understand that.

But, there is more. Last time my husband went there, his eldest son asked him to remove his wedding ring because his mother would come to the party—and he did! It was a terrible shock to me. When I asked him why he did that, he said his ex-wife likes a fight and a show and she would say something that would ruin the party for the children.

I’m never invited. If there’s a party, the invitation comes here in his name only. This goes for everything—-recently there was the wedding of the second son and of course my husband went on his own.

Some weeks ago he wrote a letter to each child of his saying I’m his wife now and they have to accept it, however there was no response at all. His brothers and sisters have accepted me and I see them on a regular basis, but don’t know what to do about the children and I also think that something is wrong about taking the wedding ring off when the ex-wife is present. What do you think?

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One of my pet peeves is when people get all judgmental, rude, and even badly behaved, and then claim that it’s for religious reasons. No it’s not! Your husband’s adult children and his ex-wife are being unkind but if you want to feel better about this situation and move forward, you need to learn how to get behind your own line and actually, your husband needs to clearly communicate his boundaries and that includes protecting his marriage with you.

It’s not easy when marriages break down. Even when the kids are grown up, it can still be a sore point or there can be a weirdness–my girls have eight grandparents and it can be tricky enough dealing with their personalities, one upmanships, grievances and carry-on. Children sometimes take sides but also, sometimes one or both parents have a habit of guilting the children and being divisive. It is not always possible to get on with the mother or father of your children but what doesn’t need to happen is being divisive in your children’s relationship with your ex-spouse and encouraging them to be disrespectful.