Newsflash: Lovely, nice, sweet, fantastic, considered-wonderful-by-society’s-standards people have breakups. Far too many people, though, behave as if only ‘bad’ people should get dumped or have their feelings unreciprocated. There’s also this sense of it being a terrible thing to break up with someone who ‘hasn’t done anything wrong’. Thinking we should be interested or we shouldn’t leave a relationship if someone is ‘nice’, ‘lovely, etc., feeds outdated societal attitudes that if they’re not cheating, beating or being overtly ‘bad’, what’s your problem? Nope!
Dating is a discovery phase. In the process of moving towards the relationship that’s most befitting of you, you need to practice discernment. You need to be willing to recognise when you’re not interested or the person/relationship isn’t compatible with who you are. Yes, even if they are The Loveliest Person Ever TM.
It’s tough when you feel as if you’ve met a lovely person but you’re just not feeling it. In some instances, you might feel as if they’re almost “too nice to break up with”. This is where I see a lot of people trying to keep someone as an option. Or, they hold on in the hope that their feelings will grow. If you don’t have a connection, interest or a viable relationship, though, convincing yourself into it is a disservice to the both of you. Here are some tips to help you out from my guide, How To Break Up: The Scripts.
Be honest with them.
Afford this person the love, care, trust and respect that you would hope to receive in a similar situation. As lovely/nice or whatever they might be, it’s time to acknowledge what isn’t right about the relationship/connection. In fact, be honest with yourself.
Don’t keep going on about how lovely they are.
After a while they’ll wonder, Well hold up a frickin’ second: if I’m that lovely, why are you finishing it with me?
Pity not needed!
They will meet their perfect match, just as you will. They don’t need the head cocked to the side or platitudes about how someone else will appreciate them one day.
Keep it simple.
This person doesn’t need your life story or excuses or justifications. One of the traps that people fall into when they break it off with those nice/lovely folk is that they start pouring out their problems and almost expecting their soon-to-be-ex to be their armchair psychologist or even ego-stroker, so that they then feel less anxious, guilty, etc., about ending it. Leave all of that stuff out.
Don’t drag it out.
You might enjoy their zest for life, affection, etc., but don’t use that as an excuse to stick around while knowing that you don’t return their feelings.
Don’t promise friendship.
You might be tempted to keep this person in your life but make sure you’re genuine in your motivations and not trying to keep them in the background in case you change your mind. Keep in mind that sometimes ‘lovely’ people are people-pleasers and won’t know how to say no to you and will then feel resentful if they feel used or if they are secretly trying to please you in the hopes that you will see them in ‘that way’.
If you don’t know how to end things when you need, should or want to while dating, you will wake up knee-deep in a relationship with incompatibility and unmet needs.
Despite your unhappiness, rationalising their loveliness might keep you stuck. As “lovely” as they may be, though, talking you out of your needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions, is far from lovely–for you or for them.
Them not being the right person for you doesn’t make them any less lovely.
And here’s something to consider: Are your fears about their loveliness a reflection of your beliefs about you? When you’re someone who prides themselves on being nice, pleasing, lovely, etc., you might feel wounded, unappreciated and rejected when dates aren’t interested (or relationships don’t work out) despite how nice you are. It can make you sensitive to ending things. You then project your feelings and fears and call them the other party’s.
On some level, you might believe that if you’re nice, you’re ‘owed’ a relationship or interest. And that explains why you feel so uncomfortable about ending it. But just because they’re lovely, it doesn’t mean that they’re the right person for you. It takes a lot more than that to make a relationship.
If you’ve then given you a hard time about why previous dates and relationships haven’t worked out, admitting that you’re not interested flies in the face of what you’ve been telling you. But recognising the truth sets you free to do right by this person and by you. You get to move on without taking dating and relationships so personally.