But, here’s the thing:
You’re not doing yourself, never mind the other person any justice by remaining in the relationship.
It’s one thing to stay because you want to and because you genuinely love and accept the person, but it’s another when fear of looking like ‘the bad guy’ or enjoying aspects while gritting your teeth and vacillating between breaking up or staying, is blocking you from making the right, albeit uncomfortable decision.
My friend is used to doing what I used to do: metaphorically torching the relationship a la Angela Bassett in Waiting To Exhale, or exiting with stealth moves to avoid dealing with the person and the situation.
Neither option, while they might feel good initially, results in growth, because if the only way that you can break up is with drama or trying to do a Houdini, you won’t know how to do the grown-up thing and admit when something isn’t working, discuss it, and make a solid ending.
When you’re then faced with a relationship that doesn’t call for a drama or disappearing, you then end up doubting the validity of your desire to break up.
But they’re such a nice person.
I don’t like _____ and _______ and I know that this isn’t really going to work long term but I really like the affection/sex/not being alone {or insert benefit of choice}.
In comparison to [your ex], they don’t do _____ and they’re good at _______.
I don’t want to break their heart.
Next thing, you feel trapped, guilty and eventually resentful.
When you know what it’s like to have your heart broken, to feel disappointed because of that gap between your hopes and expectations and reality, and to know that something isn’t right but hoping that your nice ways will win out, it’s easy to see why you would be reluctant to do that to someone else, but it’s critical to recognise that as painful as those experiences might have been, it was the right thing for the relationship to end if it wasn’t mutual.
You have to be careful of projecting your past experiences as well as your fears onto someone else and that blinding you to what you need to do.
This situation isn’t the same as the past, although it will be if you respond as if you’re still ‘back there’.
What you try to avoid will show up anyway.
The danger we run when we are not honest about how we feel and we delay on doing what we need to, is that we do more damage that we would have done if we’d acknowledged and shared our feelings, even though it might not have been very pretty, it might have led to some awkward or even painful discussions, and yes, it might have led to the end of the relationship.
By putting ourselves in a situation where we are going through a cycle of feeling temporarily re-invested in the relationship only for the same old feelings and realisation that it isn’t working to return, we are in the habit of repeatedly calling the relationship into question.
We cannot be committed or intimate if as much as we might get on with someone and like aspects of the relationship, we’ve broken up with them many times in our head, maybe a few times in real life, or dropped numerous hints in the hopes that they’ll spare us the task or that they’ll at the very least, figure out what they need to get right so that we don’t have to leave but we also don’t have to get really vulnerable and be direct. Of course, what’s likely to follow is subconsciously acting up so that they do what you won’t.
One of the things we have to recognise when we go out with that nice person who isn’t quite right for us is that as disappointing as it is that it’s not the right fit, it’s also progress.
If you’ve gone from being involved with folk who mistreat you that you struggle to break way from, to folk who, while they’re nice in a number of ways, you’re incompatible in others, it’s progress.
Just because someone is nice, lovely etc., it doesn’t mean that they’re the person for you. It doesn’t.
It’s a bit like having a few bad jobs, being unemployed for a bit, and then getting a nice job but that while it provides you with a bit of money and there are aspects of the job that you enjoy, it’s not the job for you. It’s not the best use of your talents and you’re not growing.
As lovely etc., as this person might be, if it’s not a mutual relationship with love, care, trust, respect and shared values, you’re both inadvertently hiding out in a relationship that isn’t the best expression of your respective selves.
Remember that incompatibility means that you both want different things, and that can happen even when two people feel a great deal for each other.
And, just because someone is nice, lovely etc., but you’re not interested or you realise that as much as you like them, that the relationship isn’t working, it does not mean that you like being treated badly or that you don’t like ‘nice people’! You also don’t owe someone a relationship just because they’re nice or relative to your exes, they seem like Mother Teresa in comparison!
Don’t choose a partner based on your ex; choose them for them.
You need to love and respect that person (accept them for who they are and so be able to live harmoniously with your shared values) for it to go somewhere good, plus you need to be attracted to them.
It doesn’t make you a ‘bad person’ for wanting to end it with a nice person. The honourable, loving thing to do when you know that this isn’t it for you, is to set you both free so that you’re not blocking each other from being with the people who you can each experience the relationship that’s more befitting of you.
Your thoughts?
Struggle with breaking up even when you really need to? Check out How To Break Up.
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Nat,
I’ve been reading your posts for about a year at this point. Have not commented before. But I would just like to say now that these articles have helped me get through a lot and have opened my eyes to many of the things about myself and my past relationships that I have needed to work on. And I’m so glad I found your website, you have no idea what an impact this place has been on my life in a positive way.
Even this article was great as I’ve been in abusive relationships and repeatedly gone after guys I thought were polar opposites from my ex in hopes they would be not abusive and in comparison they would look like saints (even if they weren’t the best for me.) Hanging onto them because they didn’t treat me the way ‘x’ did, when deep down I knew I wanted out. Ugh.
But your articles have helped me realize why I’ve picked horrible partners in my past, how to address those issues and work through the pain and insecurities I’ve had around dating. Thank you for creating such a safe space for opening up.
You’re very welcome and thank you also. I’ve done the polar opposites game several times and I’ve found that it’s been more problematic than going out with the person I was trying to avoid going out with! Keep up the good work with the self-care.
Here is a little different take. My abuser “seemed” like a nice guy to everyone. And I do have to say that he was very, very careful about criticizing anyone or causing waves. He had a great technique of asking about a person or maybe making a semi-critical remark, hope that I would go with it and be the gossipy and mean one. Does that make sense? He was really really good at it, so when I try to talk about his evil ways, people don’t get it. Well, all his harem girls do.
Just recently I put a book I thought would be of interest to him in his mailbox and then text that I had done so. We had run into one another and talked about this book, and I told him I would give it to him when I finished it. This was the response to my text:
Me: I left the book in your mailbox.
Him: Really?? Sneaky girl.
Me: Hope you enjoy the book.
Him: That’s just a little creepy. What do you think you are doing?
Me: Just delivering the book.
Him: No games. Next time give me a call first.
Me: Games? How is delivering a book a game?
Him: Stay well.
Once again, I felt like a second grader being reprimanded. And I thought I was just being nice and truly expected a “Thank you for the book.”
It took me a long time to realize his “nice” persona was not who he really was.
Gosh, that dialogue gave me a shiver. Ugh! I wouldn’t give him the time of day again, never mind a book!
Natalie,
I really liked this blog. About a year ago around the holidays I ended things with a nice man with whom I stayed in the relationship 5 months past the first time I ended things. The first ending was in May, was perfectly honest and ended us at a good point but I got hooked back in by phone calls, emails, texts and GUILT. It was my first relationship after my horrible 5 year N relationship and I was ever so grateful he was a) kind and b) honest that I kept trying tot talk myself into him.
I was miserable. I kept trying to end things and he kept clinging and then I’d feel guilty and he’d be on my doorstep whining again. I got so I hated and resented the guy. Who sticks around when he is not wanted? Who takes being told he is not my preference as a lover and keeps trying? It felt worse and worse and worse until I cooked him Thanksgiving dinner (guilt guilt) and realized Christmas would be hell if I didn’t end it. I am so glad I did!
What I learned is that I can trust me. I ended it well and at the right time in May and should never have second-guessed myself for the next 6 months. I could have been guilt free for those six months!
@Rewind, I get the impression that his odd text phrasing means that he was freaked out by the fact you could have come past his house at the same time that he had another woman there.
Pure speculation, based on the limited info that you gave, but I can’t think of another reason for such an odd response from him.
His text phrasing sounds eerily similar to a guy who I got caught up with, who also had a harem. To the extent that I almost suspect it’s the same guy!
I am going to refrain from saying “run for the hills” (although I definely think that’s what you should do) because I know it’s a difficult thing to contemplate when you’re caught up in feelings, etc.
However, maybe you should re-read your own post, which seems to scream that, in your gut, you know that he is self absorbed and any effort that you invest in him will lead nowhere.
Well of course it’s because he may have had another woman there…but I thought we were past that as I haven’t slept with him in over a year and a half. I would have said “had a relationship with him in a year and a half,” but truthfully we never had a relationship.
I have been “running for the hills” for a long time, but his crumbs keep me engaged from time to time. It’s interesting at how trying to be a “friend” without the sex is almost impossible. The book delivery was a perfect example because I saw it as simply putting a book in his mailbox. In his twisted mind, he saw it as me checking up on him as a creepy stalker. Really? Get over yourself…he has had so many different women that I immune to that part.
To be honest tho…I guess there was a part of me that just wanted a response of “Hey, thanks for the book.” Because I gave him tons of gifts, paid for trips, concerts, etc., and he always made me feel bad about it in his paranoid way. So when I reflect on it, I am still trying to get the “I like you” message from him that I will never, ever get.
I have spent this past year really growing and working on myself and have made great strides. And this I know…I will NEVER, EVER put a book in his mailbox again. Haha.
And maybe it is the same guy…..but you know there are thousands just like him!
@Rewind. Best of luck. It sounds like he doesn’t understand the idea that some people might genuinely want to be friends when a relationship or fling doesn’t work out, with no ulterior motive.
If his only reason for staying in touch with you is to keep you as some sort of standby for if/when his other flings don’t work out, then he could be projecting.
It’s the “Sneaky girl” part of his text, which freaks me out, because that’s the exact kind of phrasing, that the idiot who I am long rid of would use. Yuck.
I am now making a mental note to myself that this is another red flag to keep a look out for.
@Rewind – Yeah I don’t know what your relationship is like with your ex, but if you are not actually friends I find it a bit strange dropping off a book to him.
If you are friends, well yeah I still would find it a bit strange dropping off a book and message someone after the fact (especially if you are not close). I can understand why he said “call next time”.
I can also understand why he think you might be playing games (using a book to drop off as a way to keep communication open). This is what some people do…such as hoovering. I guess I can just see it from both perspectives. I have had an ex that tries to keep communication open in different ways, and so I personally do question my exes motives when he tries to contact me.
Anyway, maybe it’s not that and you are good friends. Sometimes it’s hard to understand how someones relationship really is, in a comments section.
I have to agree with El. Why give a book to someone you call an abuser? Why drop it off instead of waiting till you meet him or putting it in the post? But really thats a secondary question – the first one is simple, why give a gift to someone you clearly do not like and who doesn’t like you. Gifts are serious business in most cultures. They create a bond, they create an expectation of reciprocity, they create conditions for gratitude, they create space for resentment, and control. You should consider what message you were really sending him with that book. Or yourself.
It doesn’t matter in my opinion what he thinks, clearly you don’t have a good relationship here anyway. What matters is why you’re so hooked on someone that isn’t good for you. Perhaps your logic is ‘I have a book he would like. Whats the big deal to give it to him. It would be childish not to.’ Perhaps you’re trying to prove how over it you are. But you’re not over it. And I don’t know why he sounds like such a creep, but he does.
Have you read transactional analysis? It was big in the 1970s and looked at interactions as being from a child, parent or adult persona that we each have. Based on how others respond, we are having authentic or inauthentic or toxic interactions.
Me: I left the book in your mailbox. [seems like an adult comment made to an adult, seems to give information]
Him: Really?? Sneaky girl. [seems like instead of saying thanks and ending the interaction, he scolds you, like parent to child, the snapping parent not the kind parent]
Me: Hope you enjoy the book. [you ignore that clearly provocative comment, and say something somewhat neutral but also escalating]
Him: That’s just a little creepy. What do you think you are doing? [on the face of it an adult comment asking information of your adult although judgmental in tone]
Me: Just delivering the book. [you continue to ignore the undercurrents and still give information from your adult]
Him: No games. Next time give me a call first. [can also be seen as an adult comment, but is probably still parent to child]
Me: Games? How is delivering a book a game? [you finally take him up on it and respond to his actual comment, but what do you really mean here?]
Him: Stay well. [he refuses to engage, the game ends. The payoff is he leaves you unsatisfied, you have bad feelings, and you’re both still hooked. You give, he makes you feel bad, you’re unsatisfied and he’s off the hook for reciprocating. And you give again. What gives?].
The book itself is a message too. No idea whether the content of the book is also a message. You keep giving to someone that treats you badly. Transaction analysis used to give names to these games, and perhaps this is ‘I give and give and give’. There might therefore be a payoff in this for you.
I’m going to have to agree with El and Suki here, unfortunately. I too see it from both perspectives – as the one who has tried to keep an obviously unhealthy connection and dynamic going, and as the one on the receiving end of veiled approaches, gifts, and hoovers.
Whilst in the throes of trying to keep an unhealthy connection going, I once sent my ex, whom I was barely in contact with at the time, an article about something we had been talking about during our relationship – of course, not a very subtle move. At the time I was talking myself into being able to be friends with him; that my sending that article was no more than a friendly gesture, and I’d hoped his response would be open and that normal communication would ensue. In hindsight, it was none of those things. I was hopelessly hooked, didn’t know how to approach him normally, and wanted him to see the light, woo me again. I didn’t want things to be over and I desperately needed to regain my power in the situation – no matter which way. Obviously that didn’t work. The exchange that ensued was much like the one you describe.
On the other hand, I have been in the situation where someone has wordlessly sent me flowers and gifts to my home, dropped things in my mailbox, trying in a not-so-subtle way to win me over again (which was very obvious since moves like that are not normal in “friendships”) – and I have to say, it’s an odd, somewhat creepy, and unsettling thing to have happen. If communication channels were good, why not call me and set this connection up on eye-level. Why throw the ball in my court wherein I have to respond to this confusing gesture? It feels manipulative, sly, and somewhat childish. So, on that level, I can understand why he would respond in the way he did. I did too at the time.
But as someone up here has pointed out, it doesn’t matter now. What matters now is examining ones own part in these dynamics, being kind and honest with oneself about motives and hopes for and with this person. It’s damn hard and painful, but healthier in the long run than hardening into anger about their consistently disappointing reaction to us.
I totally agree El. It’s not logical to suggest a book to your abusive ex. Personally, I’d be put out if my abusive ex did that to me, and would certainly see it as a hoover attempt. On the flip side of that @Rewind, if you are the victim, stay strong and stick to the no contact rule, even gestures that you believe to be of good intention will put you back in getting over that relationship.
With regards to your original article @Natalie. For me this sounds very similar to the discard phase of a Borderline Personality. Where does that line get crossed before they’re classed as such?
My ex girlfriend knew I would’ve done anything for her, and put her needs before mine at all times. It got to a point of her pushing me away, and constantly talking about other men to put me in competition with (triangulating), which made me try harder and become more hooked. BPD’s are renowned for intense loving ways initially, and then slowly push you away, and actually look for “Too nice men” in the first place.
Thankfully I did realise my depression and anxiety was due to this emotional abuse, and ended it. Although I must say I ended it by text (which was called a cowards way in another post some years ago!) as after calling on 3 separate occasions over 2 days to end it, with only “I fell asleep early” and “maybe chat later!” texts in reply, I took the control away and have been no contact for 7 weeks.
Mac,
You aren’t a coward for ending the relationship via text. I ended my last toxic relationship via email after several attempts to end it face-to-face failed. It would have been different if I thought he had feelings for me, but he had made it clear that he didn’t care enough to put in any effort and I was done trying.
My (admittedly clumsy) attempts to discuss the relationship were either dismissed or ridiculed if I was lucky. On a bad day my attempts were met with hostility. Finally I realized I needed to get away at all costs so that’s what I did.
Thank you for your reply Stephanie.
Your attempts sound similar to mine! I first tried to end it two weeks before, but she managed to turn my decision around by saying lets give it two weeks. And not sticking with that initial decision was my only regret.
It actually feels odd reading all of you ladies talking about these arsehole men, when my ex gf is exactly like them?!
Anyway, seeing a therapist for a few weeks now is helping find out what underlying issues I have in my choice of women, and taking at least a year off dating to find myself again.
Ok, I’m going over that conversation again and it is — a powerful one. Its the conversation on which plays are based.
Me: I left the book in your mailbox. [but you didn’t just leave the book, you left a bunch of hidden messages with it, all the past unreciprocated gifts are encoded. This is a loaded gift]
Him: Really?? Sneaky girl. [he is acknowledging the intent behind the gift. This is bound to create bad feelings, he’s exposing the gift or the intent or the act of giving it as something sneaky. The gift is no longer a gift]
Me: Hope you enjoy the book. [well, thats a bit of a poke isn’t it – hope you enjoy all the messages I want to give you about what a disappointment you are]
Him: That’s just a little creepy. What do you think you are doing? [this is a good question]
Me: Just delivering the book. [this is not really true. The book is not just a book and a lot else is being delivered]
Him: No games. Next time give me a call first. [he’s waiting till you are hooked]
Me: Games? How is delivering a book a game? [and there it is. Do you really mean this question or do you mean ‘there you go misinterpreting what I do as usual’]
Him: Stay well. [what a patronizing passive aggressive thing to say, and there you are wriggling at the end of the line].
This man hooks you, and you stay hooked, and your conversations reinforce hooking. So you must ask yourself, why do you want to be hooked? Whats the payoff?
Thanks all. It helps to see my actions fro. Different perspectives.
I can say that I really was just delivering a book we discussed and I had told him that he could read my copy when I was done. And to be honest, I finished it on a Sunday, hadn’t showered, and thought it would be a simple act of putting it in his mailbox. I guess I didn’t think about his reaction nor that it would seem creepy. But reading your remarks, I guess it was. I was raised in a small town where such gestures were common place.
But the real issue here is why I did it, knowing that I was setting myself up for his reaction. I still think in my head that we are friends, but the definition is different from what I consider friends and his definition. And like I said before, it’s my co-dependent personality to keep trying to get acceptance from him.
Perhaps this was a good lesson for me. I need to stop trying to please him. I need to think about my actions and try to understand his perspective. And most importantly, I need to continue to work on me and move on.
I really appreciate everyone’s comments.
perfect timing as always! I’ve been putting off and justifying not breaking up with a guy- at least he is loyal, is into me, stays in touch all the time, tries to please me in bed, he would be sad, I hate to hurt him, this conversation will suck. But you are so right on, I don’t see him as a real relationship and truly I don’t really like him for who he is – complaining poor me type, angry at everyone but pretends he is chill. thank you for giving me a wake up call, I’ve been pressing the snooze button.
Wow, I totally get where you are though! These so called ‘nice guys’ are exactly who society tells us we should be with. That’s part of what makes it so hard to break it off/break up with them.
I recently had to do this with a guy I’d been on five dates with, He’s so nice and generous but there were a few code ambers too. like pushing for sex when I’d already said I wanted to wait.
The longer you leave it though, the harder, in some ways it becomes to justify getting out. So I suggest you do it as soon as possible. Or the guilt keeps growing and making you stay. Maybe even making you mean and resentful towards him.
So good luck with having the awkward conversation with your guy who checks off all the ‘nice guy things’. But isn’t truly the right guy for you, Monica.
This really made so much sense. I have been toying with going NC on a very EU, AC, who really only gives 10% in our FRIENDSHIP. He flirts with me all the time (or should I say he used to). Things have slowed up quite a bit. He still admits to having feelings for me and he future fakes all of the time. He will not answer texts a lot of the time , but if I do not reply to him in a timely manner or assist him with something he gets extremely irritated. Today he randomly sent me a gift card for something after texting me a photo of it. (I had mentioned I would like one at some point). I tried to call to thank him and he sent me to voice mail. He wouldn’t answer my texts when I said I wanted to thank him and would he come by. Nope no answer. I truly am exhausted with him because this seems to be the way he is. He shows a different personality with everyone but me. I see who he really is. I feel like it’s time to break away and just back off . How is this friendship benefiting me? I don’t see it doing anything except me constantly trying to justify his behavior. I would love to talk to him about this but he won’t ever commit to coming over. Everything is on his terms… after being there for him so much I don’t feel I owe him anymore. Maybe I should just disappear on him? Thoughts ? Is it time to break free? Will he change if I talk to him??
Purple Swish,
He sounds like such a waste of time. Yours. I’ve gotten into the (new) habit of saying, “Am I chasing?” If I am then I stop. This alone has changed so many of my relationships that I can’t even begin to tell you. About the only people I still chase are my sister and my son, but even them it is a lot less. And I have higher self-esteem. He gives you so little except doubt and justification. Do you really need that? Wouldn’t you rather just hit your toe with a hammer? The pain would be gone sooner.
@LauraG – thanks hun for your reply! I guess my issue is I am still afraid to end this and let go because it’s been such along time with him around. I sat here thinking about it: he has me trained. I know I cannot ask him certain things because he gets uptight (other guys I could easily ask them the same thing and they would happily answer me). I could text him and ask for help on something and he won’t reply/ignore what I asked for help with but a week later he will text me on his terms (I could ask any other friend and they would let me know immediately if they could help), if I text him too much & he doesn’t reply, I assume he is upset because I am “chasing”. The reality of it is that it’s hardly any texts, just a normal conversation I would have with anyone but he gets flustered. If I ignore his texts, he will guilt me. He has tracked me down before because he was upset that I wouldn’t text back or answer my phone . There is no role reversal — he controls everything. This guy swears he has feelings for me but he has a heck of a way of showing it. I am happy to not chase, it has worn me out. Mentally and physically. He knows he can future fake me “yeah I’ll come by and we will go see s movie.” He never shows up. I question where he is, what’s up, is he okay.. and he just ignores me. Thennnnn yup.. he suddenly returns on his terms texting me like everything’s okay. It plays with your mind. He was never like this when I first met him. He has changed and I so badly want the old friend back I know. At this moment I know it’s time to probably just walk away and end this though — but it is so tough. I would love to talk to him about it in person but god knows he won’t have time for me. As usual. So frustrating.
Purpleswish,
I know it’s so easy to comment from the outside, but pleeease guuurl. Read your own lines. How is he a friend???
Have a serious conversation with yourself what it means to you to have a friendship relationship? He hasn’t trained you!! He is toying with your infatuation for him…you have feelings for him…it’s pretty obvious and that’s ok but if someone doesn’t reciprocate in a healthy and mutual way then you have to put your energies behind seeing him for who he really is and getting distance. Go NC and rid yourself of the drama- ask yourself why you kept engaging in this type of drama when he changed to being flakey? Why would you want someone like that? He doesn’t seem to care at all-Why would you?
@Unfolding – I ask myself “why him” a lot! Yes I did fall for him, I admit that – I never planned it! When he had a GF that he was having issues with, I listened allll the time about how she was needy, secretive, uncaring etc… well I am none of those things. He’s shared a lot about a horrible past with me, and how he still suffers today. He doesn’t share that with anyone and I can understand why. It makes me wonder if that’s why he has EU issues. His ego stroking that he craves, I’m so familiar with that , and it’s all I do now. You are right, he isn’t reciprocating even though he says he wants to. He never will. I want someone that’s like him but NOT like him if that makes sense. I think to end this I’m going to have to dig deep and go NC as you said. He probably has no idea of what an ass he has been.. or maybe he has so that’s why I’m still in his back pocket. Either way, I am ready to push forward and create distance within this friendship that isn’t healthy. Thank u Natalie and ladies!
I’m here again…
It’s 1 in the morning and I realized that I have to get back to work and normal life tomorrow. I posted here several times in the past few months about my involvement with a man I was dating who wouldn’t commit to me 5 months into it. I was unhappy and I decided to end things right before New Years day but I think I did this thinking this would make him combust to wanting to being with me considering he was about to lose me. Of course… that was an illusion.
Not sure what it is, but I can’t seem to stop crying myself to sleep every night. I lost a sense of who I was, stopped going to work as much, stopped eating…and I honestly hope my daughter doesn’t feel it because I try to be really happy around her little soul. This all just hurts so bad. I reached out to him about 2 wks ago…asked if he was dating again, he said he was. I asked if he was having sex…he said he was…and this broke me to pieces. I remember driving as I read his text and had to pull over because I felt like I was having a panic attack and I couldn’t breath.
He claims he ended things because he needed to figure out who he was and what he wanted out of life. 37 year old man and still searching…okay. Said that he is casually dating and that there are plenty of women out there who want sex no strings attached. He tried to force the friend thing on me and I wasn’t having it because I wanted more. Said that he wasn’t sleeping with me as much because I got too comfortable around him…wearing sweats and a t-shirt everytime he would come around and that he never had to go through that with any of his exes. Said that I became too much for him…I complained too much about my expectations not being met and pressured him too much for a relationship even though he was at my place almost every day and our kids were spending tons of time together and i was cooking for him and washing his clothes and basically being a girlfriend to him.
Funny though, when I confronted this man about why he still talked to his ex or why he still had a dating profile on his phone…he said that these are things he would only give up if and when he was in a relationship and that those things didn’t really matter to him that it was just my own insecurities. I’m 27 and i’ve been in almost 10 emotionally unavailable relationships my whole life. i don’t even know what a relationship is supposed to look like and this was the closest I got to experiencing it but he leaves and moves on so quickly and sleeps with someone else…like I meant nothing.
Why am I still stuck on hurt…? why am I holding on to the idea he will find himself and come back running? why am I still trying to understand why this ended when I felt like I had finally fallen in love with my best friend? why have I made myself a complete fool to him to a point where he no longer even responds to my texts/calls…? when does this pain end 🙁
Cycles, all I can say to you is what I wish someone had said to me when I was your age. Please please get some therapy and work out where this heartbreak originates. Until then, as per your name, the cycles will keep repeating, because they are so damn strong. It is so hard to break this addiction to hurt. The guy has nothing to do with it really, he’s the actor in your script.
When it comes to why you are feeling like you do, why you’ve been through this, there’s no logical answer. It’s a pattern, coming I imagine from some deep unrecognised heartbreak that’s inside you. At least that’s how it was for me.
I’m 41 now, and with a wonderful guy and i don’t recognise the person I was before , the girl and woman who repeatedly put up with much of what you describe. I wouldn’t be here if not for therapy. Before that I was bound up in so much emotional barbed wire, I had no idea what I felt, whether it was okay to need what I needed, what was okay to ask for, or even who I really was.
Knowing your pattern, as you clearly do, is great. digging up and facing, grieving, the old wounds that caused it, so you can let it go , is the next step. Therapy can help you do this. Its not cheap, and it ain’t easy, but if you value your happiness enough and you are brave enough to go there, it will transform your life. It did mine.
Is there anyway I get help without seeking Therapy? What do people that can’t afford this do? I got all of Natalies books including the new one that just came off. I read that twice and read Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back girl twice. I journal, I pray, don’t really have friends to talk to on the matter but I really just want to know where this pattern comes from…why I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men and why I take sooooooooooooooooo long to get over the loses that were never really mine to get over anyway 🙁
OMG Cycles, what a mindF**K he is. He knows that he can make you try to win him by stating things about you as “shortcomings”…you wear comfortable clothes (oh no, in order to win in this competition I’d better dress as sexy as I can around him!)..you pressured him too much (oh no, I’d better not ask him to meet any of MY needs…I’ll keep acting like he walks on water!)
I’m with Nickster, too, in wishing I knew then what I know now. I wish I could impart my late-in-life wisdom to ALL young women. I want to scream “DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME! HE IS NOT YOUR SAVING GRACE!” I am not saying women don’t need men…far from it. I am saying that women need to only put effort into themselves. STOP putting effort into winning the man. If a man wants you, it does not require EFFORT. He will let you be you and you will let him be him and you will come together easily and effortlessly because BOTH of you WANT to.
The reason “all your relationships have failed” is because you are looking for the same thing in all of them – VALIDATION. You are bending over backwards, screaming “pick me pick me”…. and I am pretty certain that if any one of them HAD “picked” you, you’d be in a very unsatisfying one-sided relationship, wishing he treated you nicer than he does.
In my lifetime I have gone to four professional therapists, usually quitting after 2 to 5 visits..for some reason I was not able to receive much benefit from them. It felt like “buying a friend” or being whiny. I found this site very therapeutic. It helped to read other similar situations, realize there is some common thread here, that we are all trying to fix something which did or did not happen to us when we were younger, and we all are trying to apply similar “quick fixes” via relationship drama. To read how these people others pick to love treated them as badly as the ones I pick – well, it opened my eyes to the fact that it’s not the people I pick it’s the fact that I pick these horrible people…why in the world am I picking such horrible people? Why don’t I walk away from what I DON’T want? Why am I trying to win? Whose love is it that I am trying to finally WIN? Whose validation is it that I am trying to get? As Natalie states. what wrongs of the past am I trying to right?
Once I started asking myself these questions, I also started to reign in my people-pleasing. It helped to know that people-pleasing is about controlling the situation and trying to teach other people how they “should” be. I just stopped trying to “teach” and I started to allow myself to put myself first, in the smallest of ways. I can’t give specifics, but you feel it in your gut when you are trying to be the “nice” one, and when I get that feeling, I stop myself from doing whatever it was. Small example: In the last year at the gym, I tried to be Miss Friendly to two women in my pilates class. One of the women never acknowledged my hello, the other rarely acknowledged it. So you know what, about two months ago I stopped trying to connect…I just take my place in class, chat with those who are friendly, and those other two don’t exist on my radar. And wouldn’t you know it, 2 weeks ago the one who was sometimey actually spoke to me first, all superchatty, saying “I was wondering about you….” because I had missed two classes that week. Really?…I’ve missed classes before. Point here is you do not have to make an effort…if people want to know you , they will come to you. And no, I did not try to be superfriendly in return..I just gave a friendly nod and me and my boundaries kept on moving.
Excellent comment for @cycles! You nailed the way I also feel. Boundaries are so important and not being a people pleaser (which I am), is extremely tough!! I remembered after seeing your post and @cycles how my guy said to me one night after hanging out, ” you know my type of girl, they wear darker eye liner. Wow if you wore darker eyeliner with those gorgeous eyes …” guess who started wearing darker eyeliner for HIM. Did it get me anywhere? Nope… it has to be about loving ourselves and if someone wants to try and change us, they are not for us. I’m still learning and this blog with such amazing ladies is my therapist!!!
Oh my PurpleSwish, one of the guys I was seeing did the exactly the same thing. He said “he likes girls with quite a bit of eye make-up on”, so for a minute what did I do…change my eye make-up, but when I realised what was happening, I went back to my own style. I mean what guy really cares about eye makeup anyway – lol! He of course had many other digs and eventually I realised he was an idiot for not liking me for me!
hi cycles, I would suggest a book called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies. It will help tackle anxiety and depression, obsessive thinking, if you’re suffering from those, and generally help develop constructive thinking patterns, and help you cope better. Nats books are very useful. the book “he’s just not that into you’ is also kind of useful.
Start journaling more. Use the tips in the books above. It costs nothing and needs no training. Ask yourself; what is my current vision of relationships. What do I want. Write down everything that happened in your relationship with this guy. Question it. Ask what a healthy relationship would look like and which of the behaviors you engaged in was unhealthy. You seem to have a lot of assumptions in your behavior, you might want to challenge who you want to be, what you want for yourself and your daughter. You made choices – you chose to ask him about who he was seeing, etc. What you heard from that conversation is a result of the choices you made. I don’t care to hear certain things so I never ask certain questions. Self-preservation. Start practicing it.
You say you have no friends. You’re 27, quite young, in the age band where people tend to have friends still from high school or college or work or band or gym. What happened? What about mums groups and play dates? Why not join a meet up group for parents? You’re isolating yourself. You seem to have no one to ask advice of. AND this is a choice you’re making. I assume nothing really stands in the way of you making friends. And if it does, then that means you avoid intimacy on all levels. So you need to work on that. I always feel of friends that the romantic relationships can come and go but your friends are forever. Start cultivating friendships. They require investment and time and care and will help you forget this man. Get a dog. You and your daughter need some joy, and you seem to have a lot of time on your hands so a dog should fill that up [thats a joke – I figure you were doing his laundry you can watch a dog].
And — doing laundry for a guy in a 5 month relationship and introducing your kids is in my mind a big red flag on your part. I assume your kids are quite young since you’re so young so perhaps they don’t realize they were introduced to a boyfriend. But still. You did his laundry at his house? At your house? He already spends so much time with you in five months that you do his laundry at anyone’s house? Are you trying to be so indispensable that he won’t want to leave? To me this sounds like you’re trying to fast forward into being a family. It doesn’t sound at all like doing your due diligence. You’re a single parent. Your child and your job has to come first. I wouldn’t do a guy’s laundry unless I lived with him in a committed relationship. If then.
I think people that have seen you naked should be able to put up with you in sweats, I also think that if you are a single parent perhaps sweats = too much closeness in five months — and then him complaining about it. Wheres your backbone?? How does this guy get to put you down? And remember another thing – once a guy is done with you or you with him, he might make up all sorts of things to justify ‘he’s just not that into you’. The more you probe him the more ridiculous things he will tell you because he feels he has to tell you something to make it sound like he is a reasonable person doing reasonable things. I don’t think either of you was being entirely reasonable.
Ladies thank you so much for your responses. I’ll address a few questions/ comments now:
1. I think you are right, I might honestly be trying to avoid intimacy and this is the reason why I lack friends. I realized that my people-pleasing around all sorts of relationships led to a detriment on my part. I gave so much that sometimes I didn’t even have rent money and I did this with both the people I was dating and my friends. Every time my girlfriends had birthday parties for their children or baby showers, I always aimed to look like I outdid everyones gifts, I was always there when they called me at 4am for advise, always there to pick up the tabs when we went out and I started to look back and realize that nobody was ever there for me in return. All they did was take, take, take and this is something I felt like I could only stop once I removed myself from the situation.
2. With this last guy I dated about 5 months, I know I shouldn’t have asked him if he was dating or sleeping around but I sort of wanted more of a reason to stop crying every night and to get on with my life. I wasn’t surprised by his his response but it pierced me so deep because I couldn’t believe that it was just that easy for him. How could he just up and move on like what we had meant nothing. So i’ve been texting and trying to call, begging to see him, begging to talk to him….telling him i’m hurting and I just want him to help me feel better of course most times I never get a response or he tells me that i’m doing too much. I just can’t believe this is the same person I told I loved…and I genuinely felt like I did.
3. My daughter is 8, his daughter was 10. We spent a lot of time in my house because he still lived with his mom. So on weekends we would travel with the kids sometimes and this is the first man I ever introduced my child to because for the first time in my LIFE, I felt like I was in a relationship. It wasn’t mutually fulfilling, he hadn’t committed to me, but it had something everything else lacked. It had consistency, respect, care and trust. For once I didn’t feel like I was getting played, for once, I met someone who ALWAYS wanted to see me, who was never on his phone, not on social media, who helped me with fixing stuff around the house, being a best friend, listening to me and being there even when I needed someone to talk to at an unGodly hour. It was evolving so I just felt like he needed more time to commit but I didn’t doubt we were getting there.
4. Sometimes I feel like I ruined it because yes, like he said I might have got too comfortable. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to sleep with me or kiss me as much anymore and he blamed it on the fact I was always in sweats and a t-shirt. Said he is a visual person and I acted as though I didn’t need to win his affection. I remember telling him that I didn’t feel comfortable that he was still friends with his ex of 3yrs or that he was still on a dating website and he goes on to tell me that those are things he would only be willing to sacrifice if he was in a relationship and that I was demanding of things too early when I shouldn’t have been concerned yet. He said that I brought up concerns too much. Every day I had something to complain about, every day he was falling short on a certain aspect and I wasn’t giving him a chance to figure things out. So sometimes he didn’t even want to come over afraid it would be an argument…but in those times sometimes I slept on my own couch crying myself to sleep as he slept comfortably in my bed because I was un happy with the fact this man still hadn’t committed to me and afraid it would end up like every emotionally unavailable relationship I had been in that he knew about. At one point or other, he actually told me that maybe the reason all those men didn’t commit to me, was because of something on my part. Said it was hard to believe that i’ve been single 5 years and just attracting emotionally unavailable men…something must be wrong with me…why didn’t they commit to me. He said that he thinks I might have been putting too much pressure on them to commit instead of just going with the flow. Could he be right? I might have acted out of fear. Before him, I had dated someone 3 months who told me after the fact he was too busy for a relationship, before that the man went back to his ex and actually ghosted me, before than I dated someone 9 months who I found out I was rebound for, before that I dated someone 6 months only to find out he had a gf, before that I dated someone out of state only to find out he was a socio path who admitted to me that he was still healing from his ex after we dated almost a year…before that I dated someone who was back and forth with his ex for 6 months, then dated someone for a month who moved to Germany and got married. So I meet people now and say i’ve been single since 2012 and it’s always a red flag to them because it raises the question…what’s wrong with me?
For some strange reason I feel like I really dropped the ball in this past involvement because maybe if I had just shut up and just gone with his flow….maybe i’d have the relationship I desired. Who knows…if it would have led to that. I complained about the fact he never took me out, I was always taking him out, I got him so many things for Christmas and his daughter and he barely got me anything, I complained about our lack of affection, couldn’t understand how we could spend a week together and he wouldn’t kiss me, I complained about the fact he didn’t allow me to have boundaries around sex or seeing each other because he had boundaries around commitments. He would say that he had uncertainties, say that he wanted to make sure he wasn’t just with me because it was convenient. When he went to strip clubs I felt uneasy because I didn’t know why he needed to go to these places and he complained that i was suffocating him and that I needed a hobby…had the nerve to say I needed to spend time with my friends. Said he thought that me and my daughter have a weird friendship and that she doesn’t always listen to me. He never complimented me because he believed I should already be confident. Sometimes I wanted to go through his phone because I just honestly believed it was something holding him back. He felt like was never good enough and i’m here feeling like I lost a best friend.
I can’t even begin to explain the amount of pain in my heart right now. Me taking days off work, barely eating…this ended in December and i’m still here feeling like it ended this morning almost a month and a half later. I’ve been here before, I am always crying and unhappy about my involvements with men but I don’t know why I don’t get used to it cause literally every year, every DAMN year, at least twice if not 3 times, I am going through a period of PAIN & i’m not sure what this is doing to me internally. I’m about to be 28…still single. Yet i’ve somehow loved and lost and my last and only relationship with my childs father to be honest couldn’t even be called a relationship. He was never there… it just had a title that meant nothing.
I might have been trying to seek validation…I wanted to be CHOSEN. I wanted this to be IT. I’m tired of this chase… I want to find someone that i want but that most importantly WANTS ME TO. & I feel like I just wish he would wake up and just give me a second chance… I can dress sexy every once in a while, I can tone down on bringing up issues every night, I can be more secure in myself so i’m not wondering if he’s being loyal when he’s out with his unfaithful married friends, I can RELAX. They always told me that I was too intense, too passionate and that I needed to RELAX and let things flow. When do I need to step back and look at my fault in all this? It can’t truly be all the men that i’m dating.
You might enjoy reading ‘ask polly’ in nymag.com. She writes a lot about how to live with your own messed up self and not want to change it for other people. Or read some of what Nat says about casual relationships. Or women who talk too much. Just keep reading. And go NC. Stop calling him, stop begging.
You’re hurting a lot. You have mixed up ideas about money, and intimacy. I know it feels like love but you cannot love someone in five months. Its not possible. You say there was consistency and trust and love and calling at all times of the night and I would not be putting a boyfriend of five months through that. He’s not your parent. He’s not your husband. He’s not your best friend. He’s a guy you were casually dating that wouldn’t commit.
The giving away so much money that you have not enough left for rent – what are you doing? Where is your sense of responsibility to yourself and your child? Yes he can move on easily. He lives with his mother (for the sake of all that is holy, that is a red flag shaped pie flying in your face) and is a man. I assume you have primary custody. I assume he has visitation. He can move on because society is a bit stacked against women, and its stacked against single mums. Yes this is the truth of it. Its harsh but you have some constraints in your life, in the form of a child that depends on you. I’m not saying there aren’t great guys out there. Or that you won’t find one. You will. You’re young, you have plenty of time. I’m saying that you’re going about it in an unhealthy way. Its almost like you’re playing a game called ‘look ma, no hands’. You seem to not want to face up to the fact that you have an overwhelming responsibility and priority to your child. Some man that at 37 doesn’t even live on his own cannot take priority over her. Is there no fun in your life? You’re 27. You could date to have fun. Given the age of your kid you shouldnt be dating to snag a relationship in under five months.
But its okay, we all learn through the school of hard knocks. Just remember that we don’t have the luxury of wandering through life, giving away our money and doing other people’s laundry. You have a child. You have your own fragile self esteem. Focus on yourself. Stop dating for a while. Maybe you’re not that good at judging people. I’m not – and I don’t date anymore. And I’m happy for it. I focus on my career and my friends and I’m happy with my life.
Hi Suki,
As much as I agree with the advice you have given Cycles, and absolutely agree that she should cut this guy loose from what she has described of him, but I don’t fully agree with him living at home with his mum being a ‘red flag shaped pie flying in her face’. There could be totally legitimate reasons why he lives at home with his mum. He may have left an abusive ex partner and left everything that he’d built up just to get away from her abuse, and now has to build that up again, or his mum may need caring for as his dad is no longer around? I have a friend that still lives at home with his mum due to his dad passing away, and he’s the wrong side of 40, but a decent man.
@Cycles – hi my friend! Let me tell you that you are not alone. I have read a lot of articles here, and Natalie knows her stuff. Also, the ladies here speak from experience so listen to there advice. I have been in a very similar situation as you except mine had a GF whom he was extremely unhappy with (or so he said), and no kids were involved. But the way he spoke to me and treated me was the same as what you have been dealing with. I finally got sick of having low self esteem and GIVING soooo much. It’s all I did. I went out of my way for this man constantly and I never saw him do the same for me. He randomly gave me a pair of earrings once when we were on a road trip. I was floored! It was the last gift he gave me. I got him small Xmas gifts, bday cards, etc.. nothing from because he said he just doesn’t “do holidays or gifts.” Health wise he made me hit rock bottom. I wasn’t eating, I had heart palpitations, sleep was on existent , I got paranoid … it was all over him and how he was starting to back away from what we had. He was scared of how comfortable I was with him and it creeped him out thinking he wouldn’t have an “out”. So he just kind of slowly vanished. I ended up in the emergency room over him one night. I texted him scared and guess what– I was on that back burner and he was happy with his world. So, I got pissed and changed my attitude towards him. Whenever I see him, my heart thumps. I remember the good times and fun time but they are gone because I see the real him. Just today I wanted so badly to text him and offer him help on a project I know he is doing and I could be useful. Nope. He only texts me now with crumbs when it’s on his terms. It hurts like hell but I am better off without him . Do not let this guy bring you down and for your health , move on. He’s not worth it. Trust me. I feel soooo much better and realized that I do give and am a nice person but he isn’t worthy of any of it. There is someone out there for u and I. Stay the course. Hugs
Cycles,
You need to get a grip and snap out of this funk immediately. Time to put your feelings to one side and take a long hard look at the facts.
You’ve had your time to grieve what could’ve been with this turd who showed you exactly who he was from day one. You’ve shed your tears, you’ve begged and pleaded, you’ve been mute for fear of scaring him off, you’ve ignored your own feelings and you’ve done all you can, right??? Now it’s time to let his trifling backside GO. Accept that he’s another EUM/fuckboy who had no intention of doing right by you. The sooner you can accept the cold hard facts, the sooner you can start to heal and put this behind you.
Knowing that he’s been in contact with his ex as well as the fact that he’s now sleeping with other women, it would be futile to hold onto any hope that he might change his mind and become the man you wish he could be. As Nats said in her recent blog (please don’t quote me on this), it seems like your expectations of what you want/need in a relationship aren’t aligning with the reality – which is why you felt so conflicted throughout your relationship. You attempted to discuss this with your ex on several occasions, only to be shut down and your feelings pushed aside.
Seriously, ask yourself Cycles:
Is this the kind of man that you really want to settle down with?
A man who doesn’t listen to you?
A man who downplays your legitimate feelings/needs/desires?
A man who is OK with you paying for all the dates?
A man who is openly disrespectful and misleading?
A man who criticises your relationship with your daughter?
A man who lives at home aged 37?
A man who clearly has no desire to better himself?
A man who thinks nothing of taking advantage of a young, single mum?
I could go on further but I think you get the point.
You’re hurt and disappointed – I get that! We all do! You genuinely believed that this was The One, and so you invested in him heavily (I’m not washing clothes or cooking for no man unless we co-habit or are in a LTR), but you need to accept that this one wasn’t for you without beating yourself up too hard.
Perhaps your eagerness to be loved and accepted made you slightly reckless? You welcomed him into your lives with open arms without having a good idea of what kind of man he is, or what his intentions are. You didn’t give him a chance to woo you, pursue you or any time for him to unfold as a person (by which point you would’ve seen what a tight-fisted, manipulative SOB he is, and you could’ve ended it on your terms with dignity in tact). He gave you just enough crumbs to get your interest and now we’re seeing that crumbs don’t maketh a meal.
You say you don’t have many friends? Now would be a great time to cultivate them. Get acquainted with your daughter’s friend’s parents, join a class or social club, reach out to old high-school or college friends, start doing more things with your daughter, find out if there are any single parent support groups in the local area. You’re still so young – you need to get out there and live. I’d be lost without my friends in this life. They’ve helped me through so much, and you’re trying to cope with life alone… I’d seriously rethink this approach.
You’re dangerously putting all your eggs into one basket by expecting a man to fulfill all your needs (best friend, lover, confidante, support network, hero etc), especially after only 5 months. It takes most couples years to develop the type of loving relationship you desire. I think it was a bit naive to expect this after just 5 months and a few token gestures on his part.
Best thing you can do now is NEVER contact him again, be kind to yourself, seek out a therapist if possible and try to deal with the root cause of why you always end up with men like this. If you can’t afford therapy find a support group of some kind, create your own if you want to – but you need to talk to someone because you’re clearly struggling to cope alone.
I wish you all the best 🙂
Hi Rachel,
Glad you enjoyed your Northern Lights adventure in Norway. 🙂
How are things in your dating world these days?
Been exchanging texts with a new guy (‘back on the horse’ and all that) and met up with him for drinks over the weekend. All went pretty well except for when he went from drinking pints to double gin and tonics. Bit of a worry that, as he literally ‘switched’ at one point, it was as if he’d left the room and sent in his slightly obnoxious identical twin. I immediately called him up on this (calmly) and asked, ‘What happened just then?’ and told him I was uncomfortable with the sudden change in his behaviour. He did ‘check himself’ straight-away after that, went on to SINGLE gin and tonics. The rest of the evening passed off without incident, we had quite a good time before and after his ‘blip’ (?). We met up at 4.30pm, the night flew by and it had suddenly gone midnight. After we left there we ended up having a nice long walk along the Thames and he made sure I got my bus home before he went off to get his late-night train. He texted me again to make sure I’d arrived home safely. We’ve been texting more since then and he said what a nice time he’d had, etc.
Now, I certainly wasn’t thrilled to have to point out his ‘slip-up’ on a first date! But, he did remedy the situation as soon as he knew it bothered me. So, I am now proceeding with an abundance of caution, any further ‘infractions’ will mean he’s history.
Maybe gin is his ‘kryptonite’. I’ve noticed that stuff does tend to seriously amplify negative personality traits in people (including my dad). So best he saves the ‘gin binge’ for when he’s out with his mates, not with me (or not at all, better still). I’m not getting an alcoholic vibe from him, hopefully he hasn’t got a problem. Definitely don’t need THAT in my life!
So, the jury is still out on this one…… I won’t be sticking around if I have to point out any further undesirable behaviour. He’s not a child and I’m not his mum. Hopefully he’s taken on board what I said and there won’t be any more of that going on. Otherwise it’ll be a big, ‘Goodbye and good luck’ from me.
Always SOMETHING with these guys isn’t it ladies?…………..
I ended my relationship with so called Mr Nice Guy, last year.
But although I thought he was “nice”, looking back on it all he wasn’t as Mr Nice as I thought he was. There was something in “my gut” that knew it was all a bit of a facade.
Sure he contacted me everyday (became needy), praised everything I did (put my on a pedestal), didn’t really criticize me (but realized he was constantly criticizing others), and said white lies (which I excused).
And now Mr Nice contacts me every few months with some lame excuse – asks me a couple of questions and then proceeds to ignore me.
So I am glad I went with my gut and ended it with him, because Mr Nice Guy isn’t so mature.
@El – mine did the same thing in the beginning. He chased me so to speak. He made me feel like I was his focus even though he was very very busy with his job. I was hooked and I couldn’t get enough! He would even ask me to come over on his days off to visit when he was working out or doing yard work. Probably just so I could see him flexing his muscles. Sure it worked, but now years later, where has it gotten me? Nowhere. We r so comfortable and know eachother so well that there is no chase. The fire is just coals. BUT, I’ve also learned from here that he is not worth my time with the way he treats me. He doesn’t text me unless it’s on his terms no matter what it is. I’m just stuck in his back pocket for whenever he feels like he needs an ego stroke. No more. I have gone NC since posting here and I feel incredible !!!
Natalie, thank you for this article! It showed up at the right time, just two days ago the really nice guy that I was dating told me he can’t see me anymore. Even though my ego was bruised, and I felt disappointed, I also felt this sense of relief. My body felt physically lighter. It was interesting to note that sensation.
While I was dating him, I kept convincing myself that I’ll stick through it for a while longer, as he’s nice, cute, financially stable, and consistent and that the attraction might still grow, we’ve dated on and off since September. I couldn’t let it go because he’s the first fully emotionally available man that I’ve been with.
Anyway, I’m so relieved to read that I’m making progress, and that there actually might be a possibility of meeting someone kind/stable AND feel attraction for them. I’m not giving up hope! 🙂
Overall, whether I meet someone or not, I’ve never felt more happier, having that strong sense of self feels so good, it’s empowering, knowing that I can trust myself, and I’ve gained so much more confidence. There will always be situations in life (work, friendships, family, partners), where it’s not going to be easy, and I’ll have to set boundaries, and sometimes I’ll mess up too for sure, and sometimes I feel lonely, but, overall, I think it’s going to be okay.
I’ve recommended your blog to other women, and I’m so grateful for it, it was that first step of realizing that I needed to make big changes in my life. So much love to you!
The reason “all your relationships have failed” is because you are looking for the same thing in all of them – VALIDATION. You are bending over backwards, screaming “pick me pick me”…. and I am pretty certain that if any one of them HAD “picked” you, you’d be in a very unsatisfying one-sided relationship, wishing he treated you nicer than he does.
sorry seems like a double post…didn’t know where to respond****
Double post not know where to reply…sorry***
Ladies thank you so much for your responses. I’ll address a few questions/ comments now:
1. I think you are right, I might honestly be trying to avoid intimacy and this is the reason why I lack friends. I realized that my people-pleasing around all sorts of relationships led to a detriment on my part. I gave so much that sometimes I didn’t even have rent money and I did this with both the people I was dating and my friends. Every time my girlfriends had birthday parties for their children or baby showers, I always aimed to look like I outdid everyones gifts, I was always there when they called me at 4am for advise, always there to pick up the tabs when we went out and I started to look back and realize that nobody was ever there for me in return. All they did was take, take, take and this is something I felt like I could only stop once I removed myself from the situation.
2. With this last guy I dated about 5 months, I know I shouldn’t have asked him if he was dating or sleeping around but I sort of wanted more of a reason to stop crying every night and to get on with my life. I wasn’t surprised by his his response but it pierced me so deep because I couldn’t believe that it was just that easy for him. How could he just up and move on like what we had meant nothing. So i’ve been texting and trying to call, begging to see him, begging to talk to him….telling him i’m hurting and I just want him to help me feel better of course most times I never get a response or he tells me that i’m doing too much. I just can’t believe this is the same person I told I loved…and I genuinely felt like I did.
3. My daughter is 8, his daughter was 10. We spent a lot of time in my house because he still lived with his mom. So on weekends we would travel with the kids sometimes and this is the first man I ever introduced my child to because for the first time in my LIFE, I felt like I was in a relationship. It wasn’t mutually fulfilling, he hadn’t committed to me, but it had something everything else lacked. It had consistency, respect, care and trust. For once I didn’t feel like I was getting played, for once, I met someone who ALWAYS wanted to see me, who was never on his phone, not on social media, who helped me with fixing stuff around the house, being a best friend, listening to me and being there even when I needed someone to talk to at an unGodly hour. It was evolving so I just felt like he needed more time to commit but I didn’t doubt we were getting there.
4. Sometimes I feel like I ruined it because yes, like he said I might have got too comfortable. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to sleep with me or kiss me as much anymore and he blamed it on the fact I was always in sweats and a t-shirt. Said he is a visual person and I acted as though I didn’t need to win his affection. I remember telling him that I didn’t feel comfortable that he was still friends with his ex of 3yrs or that he was still on a dating website and he goes on to tell me that those are things he would only be willing to sacrifice if he was in a relationship and that I was demanding of things too early when I shouldn’t have been concerned yet. He said that I brought up concerns too much. Every day I had something to complain about, every day he was falling short on a certain aspect and I wasn’t giving him a chance to figure things out. So sometimes he didn’t even want to come over afraid it would be an argument…but in those times sometimes I slept on my own couch crying myself to sleep as he slept comfortably in my bed because I was un happy with the fact this man still hadn’t committed to me and afraid it would end up like every emotionally unavailable relationship I had been in that he knew about. At one point or other, he actually told me that maybe the reason all those men didn’t commit to me, was because of something on my part. Said it was hard to believe that i’ve been single 5 years and just attracting emotionally unavailable men…something must be wrong with me…why didn’t they commit to me. He said that he thinks I might have been putting too much pressure on them to commit instead of just going with the flow. Could he be right? I might have acted out of fear. Before him, I had dated someone 3 months who told me after the fact he was too busy for a relationship, before that the man went back to his ex and actually ghosted me, before than I dated someone 9 months who I found out I was rebound for, before that I dated someone 6 months only to find out he had a gf, before that I dated someone out of state only to find out he was a socio path who admitted to me that he was still healing from his ex after we dated almost a year…before that I dated someone who was back and forth with his ex for 6 months, then dated someone for a month who moved to Germany and got married. So I meet people now and say i’ve been single since 2012 and it’s always a red flag to them because it raises the question…what’s wrong with me?
For some strange reason I feel like I really dropped the ball in this past involvement because maybe if I had just shut up and just gone with his flow….maybe i’d have the relationship I desired. Who knows…if it would have led to that. I complained about the fact he never took me out, I was always taking him out, I got him so many things for Christmas and his daughter and he barely got me anything, I complained about our lack of affection, couldn’t understand how we could spend a week together and he wouldn’t kiss me, I complained about the fact he didn’t allow me to have boundaries around sex or seeing each other because he had boundaries around commitments. He would say that he had uncertainties, say that he wanted to make sure he wasn’t just with me because it was convenient. When he went to strip clubs I felt uneasy because I didn’t know why he needed to go to these places and he complained that i was suffocating him and that I needed a hobby…had the nerve to say I needed to spend time with my friends. Said he thought that me and my daughter have a weird friendship and that she doesn’t always listen to me. He never complimented me because he believed I should already be confident. Sometimes I wanted to go through his phone because I just honestly believed it was something holding him back. He felt like was never good enough and i’m here feeling like I lost a best friend.
I can’t even begin to explain the amount of pain in my heart right now. Me taking days off work, barely eating…this ended in December and i’m still here feeling like it ended this morning almost a month and a half later. I’ve been here before, I am always crying and unhappy about my involvements with men but I don’t know why I don’t get used to it cause literally every year, every DAMN year, at least twice if not 3 times, I am going through a period of PAIN & i’m not sure what this is doing to me internally. I’m about to be 28…still single. Yet i’ve somehow loved and lost and my last and only relationship with my childs father to be honest couldn’t even be called a relationship. He was never there… it just had a title that meant nothing.
I might have been trying to seek validation…I wanted to be CHOSEN. I wanted this to be IT. I’m tired of this chase… I want to find someone that i want but that most importantly WANTS ME TO. & I feel like I just wish he would wake up and just give me a second chance… I can dress sexy every once in a while, I can tone down on bringing up issues every night, I can be more secure in myself so i’m not wondering if he’s being loyal when he’s out with his unfaithful married friends, I can RELAX. They always told me that I was too intense, too passionate and that I needed to RELAX and let things flow. When do I need to step back and look at my fault in all this? It can’t truly be all the men that i’m dating.
He said he needed to work on himself and he couldn’t do that with me in the picture so he completely dismissed me from his life. He never thinks of me, never texts me first to say hi…nothing. Just said he needed to work on himself as a man and feels like he never really took the time to be single since his last relationship to really figure out what he really needs. He said that he doesn’t want me to wait for him but that who knows…maybe once he gets himself together we can try again but that’s not even in his thought process. He said the girl he is sleeping with now is just a friend with benefits and they have an ‘understanding.’ Said he loves sex and the attention of a woman so just because he is trying to find himself doesn’t mean he has to be alone in the process.. I’m just wondering… should I wait? Just give him time and reach out a few months from now and see if he is willing to try again? I really think it was timing that ruined things between us but I honestly can’t even entertain the idea of being with someone else right now… but maybe he just needs time and maybe so do I?
Cycles, your posts sound like they come from a woman who has no self-confidence. You keep looking to other people, men specifically, to give you a thumbs up and say to you that you are an OK person.
I don’t know why your sense of worth is so tied to being approved of by the man of the moment.
From what you write, you do seem to clutch on to the man of the moment and seek his total validation of you. That’s a lot of baggage to put on any man.
It makes me sad that such a young woman is so unaware of her own beauty. What has happened in your life? What makes you so dependent on a man’s approval of you in order for you to value your self, your mind, your body, your opinions, your time, your ideas?
BTW, the answer to “should I wait?”…is No.
Wanted to add: Cycles, you are so unaware of your own beauty and your own POWER. That’s right. Power. POWER.
You have the power to create the life you want. And when you are young, you have certain inalienable powers that come with being young. I am kinda convinced that it’s been a conspiracy among older people to Not tell younger people just how much power they have to create what they want. If you are lucky in life, when you are young, you will meet an older person who will give you some guidance.
Right now, I will do my best to impart some guidance.
Right now I would ask you to stop focusing on winning a man and start dreaming about your fantasy life. How do you want to ultimately live…?…in a house or an apartment, in a citified urban area or more rural or more small town? Do you want to work for yourself or work for someone else? Do you want to work with your hands or do you prefer mental work? Do you want to sing or dance or teach?
How’s your finances? You can start saving money right now. You can start investing money right now. Even if all you have is 10 extra dollars a month. It’s a great feeling to know all your bills are paid and there’s money in the bank, and you have a warm secure roof over your head, and food in the fridge. You can sit in your beautiful living room, binge watch your favorite shows while enjoying the fruits of your labors, and a man would be DAMN lucky to be a part of that picture.
seconding what Elgie said. I like the idea that you create for yourself a lovely life, and any man is lucky to be a part of it. And he can be a part of it as long as it works, and then you can end it when it doesn’t. But the only way you do that is that you are aware of the way that your choices create your reality. You are CHOOSING to beg, to coax, to do laundry and to give away your money. This is your choice. To do differently you must make different choices. You might be part of social circles that right now are superficial – everyone is paired up, everyone SEEMS to judge you for being single so you feel desperate. Those are your choices to interpret other people in that way. Early 30s, they’re all getting divorces, parents start getting sick, life hits you fast. Enjoy every day. Life is just all about the small things. Like Elgie said, a comfy couch, some good shows, your kid, a clean kitchen, comfort, contentment, company. There is no begging and coaxing and laundry-as-desperation in a good life.
And I responded to you again, above. Chin up.
Suki and Elgie make great points. When I have a bad day and wish he would text or come over or he won’t answer my text I suddenly go , “huh.. I have amazing friends, a great place, and I can control the remote!! He can’t tell me how to live I am in my Jammie’s watching a sappy movie and not some manly movie that’s boring.” I have control. I make the rules on my terms not him. That’s empowering and that’s what boosts my self esteem and makes me feel better everyday. It helps you see the future.
@Cycles see my reply above 🙂
Cycles-
I had to deal with a guy who twisted my way of thinking – I gave and gave not knowing I was doing all of it because of the way he acted towards me. I look back now and just shake my head asking…”WHY?!” at the time I felt he was giving me back an equal part but he wasn’t at all. I gave this man my time – sudden phone calls and I dropped everything and ran to him. I changed my schedule for him. His TV broke in his workout room so I gave him my flatscreen TV that I wasn’t using anymore. I easily could have sold it for some good $$. He loved the hand made chairs on my back deck – I made him one. Mind you he never painted it or put it on display because of his GF (yes he had a GF but always said things were complicated with her since she lived 8 hours away). I actually didn’t believe he had a GF when I first met him. I really thought he was making it up because of all of the flirting we did. I fell hard for him and became completely emotionally invested in him, and he ate it all up. He used me for watching his home when he had to go away on missions (he works for the military). Trust me when I say it is EXTREMELY tough to move on from these men who show you love and care, but suddenly they just kind of fizzle out. I don’t see that you did anything wrong, its HIM. Everything with my military EU AC man went to hell quickly over 2 years ago. We still talk very randomly and he flirts occasionally but we will never be like when we first met 15 years ago. YES 15 years ago. Something in his world changed and apparently he just can’t deal with someone like me. Nice, caring, honest, and loving. Instead he goes after the ladies who try to put him in his place and challenge him and test his patience. Ill never understand that, but at this point in my life I don’t care. He put me through enough and I wasted time thinking I would actually have something with him. Be kind to yourself first and foremost, and never change being the kind person you are. I am still working on moving on and desperately need total NC but unfortunately we see each other a lot with our positions. Its life. I try moving on and he gets very uptight and confrontational about it but then disappears. Its a game to him…im done playing. Good luck sweetie come back here and let all of us back you up when you need support.
Oh dear- you thought he was *making up* a girlfriend and you were interested? To me, that would be at least as bad…
I hope things get better for you. Move on and don’t tell him- then you won’t have to worry that he’s upset.
Cycles,
He said he does not want me to wait for him. Then you ask “Should I wait for him?”
Short answer no carry on with your own life. Work on you and develop your interests and other friendships.
I doubt you even want him if you work on yourself and he came back.
A place for you to start is maybe look at your primary relationships with your father and mother. Often looking at these relationships we see problems that we did not work out and we repeat them in relationships.
Don’t be like me I waited 10 years that’s right 10 years for someone who pretty much told me who they were in the first six months, they are exactly the same person but were always going to change.
Imagine all you can achieve in 10 years rather than waiting.
It took going to therapy to learn a lot about myself, and to understand my patterns.
Please don’t wait you are worth so much more than that.
I screwed up and broke nC after seeing the EU AC while in traffic. Me being so nice, I texted him saying hello and asked if he was working extra hours because i have a pot of coffee on if he needs a refill. I was just trying to reach out and hear from him. I know he won’t answer and that’s my down fall.. I am trying to figure out how to stop that.. I already know he won’t answer but I keep expecting that to be different. How the heck do I break free of it??
PurpleSwish,
Please don’t beat yourself up over breaking NC. A lot of us have been there. That’s part of the dynamic of the EU relationship that we try harder than we know we should. Instead focus on how far you’ve come and figuring out why you keep slipping up.
I was in a similar situation with an EU/AC. I kept contacting him because I was addicted and I could always make an excuse (this will be the last time, he isn’t that bad, I’m just being friendly) to keep feeding my addiction. Another problem I had was that I desperately wanted to tell him off for being such an assclown so I needed to keep a line open so I wouldn’t lose that chance.
What finally worked for me was changing his name in my contacts to ‘Baggage Reclaim.’ This way, whenever I am tempted to text him, I am reminded not only of Nat’s wisdom but also of all the wonderful posters who have shared their stories. It’s like a giant STOP sign that makes me stop and think before I do something I’ll regret. I know I’m better off without him and breaking NC serves no purpose beyond prolonging my own suffering. I just need that occasional reminder.
@Stephanie … wow!!! Just wow! First of all thank you so much 🙂 Everything you said I have been through mentally. I have made the excuses for why it’s okay to text him… only to be disappointed 70% of the time with no response. That makes me angrier, and my thought was that I would keep the contact going so I could finally corner him and tell him how much he has hurt me. Well after reading everything here, it appears that I was wrong in this thinking. I am just wasting my time and energy waiting … and waiting… I would delete his number out of my phone a lot when I was upset with him. I would say, “that’s it! I’m done! I can’t text him because I don’t have his number memorized.” Well I did it so much where I re-added him that I eventually memorized his number. He changed numbers and gave me his new one so I haven’t got that memorized . Right now I have his cell phone on Do Not Disturb so I won’t jump when it dings with his text tone. I often wonder if he blocks me when he gets into one of his moods — he can get anxious and short tempered easily when he feels pressured by things. He almost has a hissy fit like a child in a way. He blocks everyone and won’t talk. It gets very old very fast. As for his contact info I had changed it to a generic picture and just a random name. Mostly so if he did call, no one would know… (everyone around me has lost patience with him and doesn’t want me near him). I spent today sick and really could have used s visit from him but I didn’t text him. Not until I started to feel more lousy and didn’t want to move off of the couch. I didn’t hear back and probably won’t — because he is EU.. selfish.. and that’s why I need to part ways with him. He’s an addiction and I know no one else but other ladies here u derstand how tough it is not to keep going back for quick “fixes”. I have been through so much in my life and this has been the hardest. I need closure from having this addiction to such a cruddy guy who treated me like a doormat. The NC will start up again tonight, and I really hope I can do this. Thank u:))
That’s the spirit, Purple. You got this! Just take it one day at a time and you will get through.
It was very empowering, but also quite humbling, when I started to understand what was motivating my breaks with NC. I realized I was repeating the same dysfunctional and, yes, EU behaviors that I displayed during the relationship: I wanted something from him and was too much of a wimp to speak up because I was afraid of his reaction. I would end up hurt and resentful just like I did when we were dating because I wanted or expected something I was not willing to come right out and ask for.
I do need to say, Purple, that I think it’s a mistake to use a fake name/picture for him in order to hide from your friends. You are preparing (consciously or unconsciously) to take this relationship underground, and you are also taking active steps to keep holding out hope. You really need to ask yourself why you are trying so hard to protect and prolong a relationship that you know isn’t good for you.
@Stephanie- wow you know me so well… I want to meet you for coffee and dish on things! Haha first and foremost you are absolutely right about hiding his contact name on my phone. I shouldn’t have to, but I guess I am more worried about one of my best friends knowing I speak with him and have this blurred line friendship. I’ve kept this under wraps for as long as I have known the EU. People know we are friends, but have noooo clue of what I have been through with him. I doubt anyone would ever believe it..so I just keep it to myself. Knowing that it’s time to let go of him and really focus on me, I also look forward to spending more time with friends. (I pushed a lot away to make time for him… worst mistake ever!!!)
I also see your points about not saying what you wanted from him. In my case I asked him directly if he had feelings for me that were causing him to shy away. He admitted I was right. He wants to have something with me but can’t. He’s also at a stage where I know so much about him and am so comfortable around him, and he around me, that he doesn’t want to have to go through the ordeal of fishing again. I’m casting him off to be happy , and I really do hope he is. It’s my time to be happy and healthy, and I am soooo ready! I do not regret meeting him, but I regret losing myself during the time I have spent waiting for him.
As someone who’s gone through this exact thought process, this post really hit me. I’ve actually been the one to break up with all of my past boyfriends, and one of the biggest things that would always stop me was that “I don’t want to hurt him” train of thought. You just have to remember that it’s way better to cut them loose. You’ll both be happier in the long run for sure.
Your comment is interesting Holly. I often wonder if some of these EU narcissistic men don’t want to hurt us, so they just kind of disappear. They drop off of the radar.
Ladies,
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement that have really gotten me through. I needed those touch reminders. I am in such a better place after finally coming to terms with reality this past weekend. I decided to get out the house and go meet someone that had been texting me for dinner. I realized through that involvement that I was not ready to date AT ALL let alone even converse with another man and because I didn’t feel like explaining it to him, I just blocked his number after. He made me feel like he was ready to solidify something within one hour smh. So I took myself out to the movies alone and cried at every romantic scene. I was so pathetic… right after I decided to go get 2 bottles of wine and went home and turned on some loud music and started drinking and crying…and crying…and crying….again. You would think somebody died. This was a bad idea because I got drunk and called and text him so much he finally answered UPSET. Started to tell me that the late calls are inappropriate & that I don’t know who he could have been with and what I was interrupting which hurt like hell cause that means he was with another woman. Somehow that conversation ended up being 2 hours long…he proceeded to remind me that he needs a woman that can be a woman. Not one that cooks for him or does his laundry…he said he could do all that himself.
He said that the reason he couldn’t do nice things for me or be affectionate with me was because most of the time he came over I was in sweatpants and a t-shirt and because he’s a visual person that always turned him off. He said he hated when I would proceed to wear these things when we made quick runs to the grocery store or gas stations because he believes that his woman is a representation of him and if we are going to be out in public even if it’s for a quick stop I should match his swag. In the summer we went touring all over Washington DC on a hot day and he said that he was embarrassed to walk near me because other woman had on heels and looked nice and I simply had on sneakers. I told him that it’s funny he never expressed any of this during our involvement and on top of that, when i did go out of my way to look nice when I took him out on dates with heels…he barely complimented me anyways. I remember getting candles, roses, cooking him dinner and dressing up in sexy lingerie and all he said was “you look nice.” So in that conversation I asked him if this means we are done forever, and that there is no hope of us rekindling what we had and he said that the idea is so far fetched from him and for whatever reason, at this point, I felt liberated. No more reason to wait…and to think that this man claims he left me because I didn’t dress sexy enough for him…because he’s a visual person and he needs his woman to have a level of feminism. I don’t even know how that made me feel but yeah, I don’t plan on ever contacting him again until 3/29 to wish him a happy birthday.
He tried to pull the friend card on me, said that we were great friends…and if I could just accept what is and move on it would help make things less awkward between us. He said he didn’t want to block me but I was pushing him to that point but constantly reaching out to him and crying. He got so heartless…and said that it was my fault he was being that way towards me because he said it’s been over a month and I need to get control over my own emotions and get over it and move on. Now it’s like…how can this man expect me to go from feeling this way – to just being his friend? He said the only reason he found a casual woman to sleep with was because when he offered that to me, I rejected it.
Ladies, I honestly did not see this coming and yes, you’re right.. I did a lot in the 5 months we were together but he had no problem receiving it. Probably spent $500 on him and his daughters christmas gifts and i’ll never get to see him wear all the things I got him. I wish i could take it back. It really hurts but I haven’t cried myself to sleep for 2 days now and it feels great. Went to my moms yesterday and cooked my family dinner, reached out to a few old girlfriends and set up somethings for this weekend… i’m slowly starting to feel like myself again 🙂
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish this man would come back to me… I wish he communicated how he felt about the way I dressed cause those are things I could change. I was comfortable in my own house damn it. How could he… then had the nerve to say that all his exes and the woman he is sleeping with now all dressed up for him…they were always sexy for him…so sex was never an issue like it was for us. He always used to do that to me… everytime i had an issue with a remark he made that made me uncomfortable, he would say his exes never had an issue with it. *sighs* : ( I trusted him…felt like he was honest…and this man drove 2 and a half hours to see me almost every day….when he did go out even though he never planned most of the trips he did pay for the tabs…he did help pay for groceries and he was respectful around my child even though he thought she was ‘too happy.’ So he did have good qualities… I just can’t believe I wasn’t enough for hiM 🙁
Cycles,
I have been reading your posts for a long time now, without commenting though, but I felt that after this, I needed to write a few words.
I am sorry for what you are going through with this guy. I have been there myself (but with women, they are no better) and I know how much it hurts. In fact, 3 years ago, I was in a similar position than you are right now.
What I wanted to say is that through your posts, it is very clear that you don’t care about yourself. In fact, just by reading it, it is so clear on how you think you depend on men to be happy, to exist, to be validated, to be loved. I am sorry for being so blunt, but your posts in this thread are cringeworthy to me.
Let’s be realistic: being a good partner and loving someone is NOT about doing their chores, getting them expensive gifts, or changing yourself completely to please them. What you are doing screams so much of a lack of self-love, self-esteem, and self-worth, that makes me so sad for you. Your last paragraph made my heart cry, not only because I have also been there before (and could recognize myself), but because it seems like you are not understanding/accepting that you are doing all this things for him with the expectation of getting something from him in return, and I am pretty confident the thing you want in return has more to do with your unfulfilled needs than with love.
I might have to disagree with people about this guy. I am not going to defend him whatsoever, he seems immature, took advantage of you, and was an *sshole to say the least. But you can’t use these excuses to not see your part in this, which I think you are starting to realize. From what you have written, it could have been any guy… it’s not so much about this one specifically as it is about yourself. It’s your pattern.
I think the sooner you accept that you are as unavailable as him for a real mutual fulfilling romantic relationship, the sooner you can start to work on having the life you want. But if nothing changes, you are bound to continue repeating this over and over and over. Change is slow, is painful most of the times, and not always produce the results we want, but I can assure you life gets much better.
Even though I can totally understand your reasons, calling him and bothering him are inappropriate and if I were in his position I would also consider blocking you. I don’t know if he is heartless or not, but I could understand not wanting an ex- calling him out of nowhere crying and begging when he clearly stated he does not want to be with you. We all have limits and boundaries and you are clearly pushing his. Although I also think that if this guy blocks you, he is going to be doing a real favor, so you are forced to heal and deal with your feelings without trying to dump them on him.
I am sorry if I sounded harsh, but I think that sometimes we want to blame so much the other person for what they do/don’t do, are/aren’t (again, I have done that and I see a lot of people doing it here) that we forget that the real focus of our lives is ourselves and trying to shift blame here is just an excuse to not do self-work.
PS. Do NOT wish him a happy birthday. Seriously, I have been there, done that. I used to think that I was just being loving and nice, but in the end of the day, I was just disrespecting and humiliating myself for someone who wouldn’t even care, in the hopes of getting crumbs. Learn with other people’s mistakes 🙂
PS2. I live in Washington DC. When I compare myself with those slender well dressed women (because not only I wear gym clothes everywhere, but I also am fat), I feel bad, but then I remember they have to walk in high heels in those shitty sidewalks while I get to be super comfortable 🙂 — their loss.
Cycles
You are lying to yourself about no contact. Wishing him a happy birthday will achieve nothing except harming yourself. I used to do it and it always hurt the reply was usually short just thanks. I wasted so much time believe me you don’t want 10 years to pass and you are still chasing a man who has clearly stated that he doesn’t want to be with you. Spend your money on you and see a therapist. Think about the patterns you are teaching your daughter. If this was her wouldn’t you be telling her he wasn’t worth all the chasing and tears etc.
Hey Cycles- the other ladies really replied saying everything I wanted to say. It’s about loving yourself and not DOING so much for him when you won’t get anything back. He’s telling you, “this is who I am, this is who I will be…” my EU told me if I used different makeup or had more red colors in my closet he would find me hotter. I fell for that and changed things FOr him. It got me nowhere. I got future faking and crumbs. As for wishing him a Happy Birthday, no matter what don’t do it. I say this while wrapping you in a huge hug! I also am guilty of wishing him a merry Christmas (no reply), Happy New Year (no reply), Happy Birthday of course (no reply), and finally Happy Valentine’s Day which as you can guess — gets no reply. He chooses to not celebrate those things but he also chooses to just ignore things he can’t be bothered with. As woman we tend to be super sensitive to things and want someone to thank us, and praise us etc… the men I fall for don’t want that at all. They don’t want someone cooking and cleaning for them they are very capable. Sort of like your guy.. and they get bored and annoyed when you try to push your caring ways onto them. I have backed wayyyyyy off after reading so much hear. My EU is in my rearview mirror and I am better off without him. His emotional toll and head games played a number on me. I would say “but he was so this and that what happened?.” He just showed his true self. There are other guys who are worth your time and I highly suggest you delete this guys number and let him go. You need to heal from this…. I’m still working on doing the same and it’s not easy at all. I have faith in you as well as everyone else 🙂
Hi,
I’m afraid I’m on the other side of that perspective today. I met someone amazing this summer and we have been in an exclusive relationship for the past 7 months. Meeting our families and friends. We talked a bit about what we wanted for the future, but not too much as the relationship was recent. He is the most caring person I know. Always making sure the people he loves are good.
But last week I asked what he wanted to do during his vacation week this winter (we both have one week left to take) and at dinner last Friday, my family talked about plans for next Christmas. That, combined with Valentine’s Day and a mention as to how if things kept going this good we may not need to keep going back and forth to each other’s place because (no time pressure, just a mention that we may live together someday) seems to have freaked him out. Sunday at supper he wanted to know what I thought of our relationship so far. I told him I liked how things were going. He said he liked being with me and that I had all the qualities he’s looking for. That he feels good when we’re together and he sees how great I am. But the moving in talk made him wonder why he wasn’t as eager as he felt he should be to do so. He thinks there’s something missing, but he thinks we might work on it.
After 7 months, I know he feels something for me. It may not be love yet or it may be but he doesn’t recognizes it as it is the quiet kind of feeling. It’s not the fireworks I used to experience in relationships that led nowhere. Could it just be a form of fear of committment? Is it possible that after 7 months he hasn’t grown to love me? If so, can he ever love me if those feelings haven’t developped in that time?
We are meeting up tonight to talk things over and I am so scared of where that conversation will lead us. Any advice?
If we decide to continue our relationship, how do we work past that bump? How do I feel secure enough to let myself completely go with him?
Update: Things ended yesterday. On a very good note. He is the best choice I made in a man in my entire life and I agreed to remain friends when enough time has passed. My question is now that I have this standard and this experience of what a good relationship can feel like, how do I learn to let go of this one and how do I heal so I am ready and solid to move on?
The good news out of this is that now I have a standard as to how I should be treated and I will no longer accept anything less.
Thanks for your comments.
Wow, I’m sorry. I was going to respond to you earlier but didn’t really know what to say. I would advise – don’t be friends. Why would you want to hang around while he meets the next girl? You want to see him move in with her real quick so that whatever he told you (he wasn’t ready, its not a good time, he doesn’t know how he feels, what is love) is brought up in your mind again? Or so that you keep second guessing yourself ‘we could have been so good’? Its going to make you hurt all over again. Cut ties.
I think one thing to learn from this is also how to break up and let go. Really let go. Not hang around for him to reject you again. I’d suggest that you throw yourself into something new. Not dating new. But join the gym, join a new group, book club, learn to swim or surf or a new language, remodel your kitchen, something that makes you stop thinking of what he is doing with his life right now and lets you have a new story for yourself.
I’m glad that you feel this was a healthy relationship and are taking this calmly. So its important to keep taking it calmly going forth and to deal with all of this with respect for yourself. Disconnect from him. Don’t let him come back as he very likely might. He won’t be back for good but he might come back if he thinks you’re needy enough to let him.
Fwiw, i think you did the right thing to have the talk. Talk about the future freaked him out. He wasn’t ready, and most likely he didn’t see you both having that future. Its better that you learn that now than later.
Thanks for your words 🙂 I will certainly do some of the things you said. I have a great group of friends and an amazing family that support me and I will reconnect with what I like to do when I am alone. And I will certainly have to think about the friends thing to make sure I give myself enough room to move on.
Just to be clear though, he is a good man and will not in any way try to get back or play with my feelings. He is the one who started this conversation because thinking of the future made him realize something was off. And he insisted on taking only 2 days to think things over because it wasn’t fair to leave me waiting. I am not idealizing him. He has his flaws. But he is the most considerate person I know. And I know some pretty decent people.
And you are right. Although I hated myself for bringing it up, it’s better that I know now than later and I am thankful he was respectful enough to be completely honest and provide me with closure. I just have to move on now. Dating will be off for a while as I know I would be searching for him everywhere.
Thanks again for answering my message 🙂
Ok but what if “Mr nice guy” is hubbie of 20 years and you have 2 teenagers and you are a stay at home Mum with no job prospects and financially dependent????
Teenagers can take care of themselves. If you want out of your relationship, you’re in a perfect position to sign up for some training that will lead you to a full-time job. With that will come great freedom and independence.
If you can’t stand to wait even that short amount of time, you will be eligible for alimony payments if you divorce him. You have options. You’re not stuck. Life’s too short to just exist in an unhappy relationship.
I totally get where everyone is coming from…I do. I’m starting to feel like their are waaaaaay too many rules to love. Somehow 5 months is too soon for me to love someone …yet arranged marriages seem to statistically be the most successful. When I give – I’m a people-pleaser yet I might just consider myself ‘giving.’ Even givers have limits …& even though you have a heart that cares and gives – when it’s not reciprocated, you’re naturally going to feel like you are putting in more than you are getting back. It’s just like an investment. I gave to this man all the time, energy and gifts I did because I genuinely cared so much about him. Should my reasons to care or love someone be justified to death? Can’t I just not genuinely care…with no reason? How does this mean I don’t love myself?
My daughter doesn’t know about my relationship patterns because she never meets anyone I date nor do I ever talk on the phone to them around her or give her the slightest idea that theirs a man in my life. She met him for the first time because it was flowing & I’m wondering how things would have panned out if I had honestly just ‘waited.’ Do you guys believe a commitment should happen within a certain time period? What if you’re dating someone and things are flowing and it feels right but it’s been 5-6 months and he hasn’t made you yours? Do you think that maybe we get a little too pressed for these ‘titles’ that we inadvertently push potentials away? Who’s to say this man was unavailable? What if he was right about feeling pressured that he had to reconsider?
I had a few of my past EUM’s text me today to wish me a happy valentines …none yet from him. He said that I could call and text him anytime as long as I wasn’t calling him to talk about our relationship or calling him to cry or bring up these relationship topics that he has moved on from. He said that it’s disrupting his process and peace but he doesn’t want to lose me entirely and he wound like to salvage the friendship we had. This is why I thought I could wish him a happy birthday because well…he’s not my enemy & he said he won’t block me because he genuinely believes I’m a good person – he just can’t be with romantically.
So why should I hate him? Delete his # etc? I do take blame because I stayed in a situation I wasn’t happy in trying to painfully prove me right. I was too afraid to call the shots and end things because I wanted him to be the one to do it or I wanted him to do something so bad I’d have to leave. So I give him props for being stern with his decision because it wasn’t something I was able to do even though I was the one miserable. I just don’t know if I can be his friend …at least not now. Yes I’m starting to move on and let go but I doubt we’d have anything to talk about as friends now. We just felt like it was important because outside of the relationship we were literally best friends…it’s hard to explain but he was. We were so comfortable around each other and we’d do things that best friends do and talk for endless hours.
Yeah I cooked and cleaned but that’s what I did before he came into the picture. I cook a full course dinner for me and my daughter almost every night and clean up my house daily. So I continued to do these things with him in the picture but it clearly wasn’t appreciated. How was I wrong for doing that for him when it wasn’t me coming out of my element? It’s what I do…it’s who I am…& he was in my house so it made sense.
I do love myself – but it’s okay to want love. I wasn’t in an abusive situation & I honestly didn’t want it to end because I believed in it. Fighting for what I believe in somehow makes me look like I lack self-esteem and I need help. I don’t get it 🙁 I feel like I’ve come so far from that and recovered to see this about myself ????
Because you are doing the stuff with other motives in mind.
If you had self esteem you would not have looked at him twice and you certainly wouldn’t be chasing after him now that things have ended. Your thinking would be phew dodged a bullet there.
I understand that you can’t see I was once in your place and I made it all about him rather than looking at me and my issues.
I still hope it doesn’t take 10 years Cycles.
Cycles, you aren’t ready to see what it is about your behavior that is keeping you stuck. It’s easier to say ‘why can’t we let love be free’ than to see your own patterns.
Are you happy? No. you’re miserable. So something doesn’t work. What is it? Sure. You can love whoever you want. You can give them expensive gifts far before it’s appropriate. You can call them sobbing and begging after they break up with you. You can tell them within five months that you love them. We have done these things all of us on here.
But… you can’t get them to love you. You can’t get them to pick up the phone. You can’t get them to appreciate the laundry you do. They are independent humans and they choose too.
You did those things before a mutual relationship was set up. The rule is simple – if you truly love, you give without expectation of return. If you gave too much that’s on you. However calling someone repeatedly when they don’t want to speak to you is not love. That’s stalking.
Love means also kindness and self control and generosity and listening to the other person and caring about their feelings. Love means listening to yourself and behaving with dignity. Love is not entitlement. Bad behavior cannot hide behind love. There are no rules to love. It’s mutual care and respect and kindness. It’s taking it slow. It’s not sweatpants or heels or make up. I have a feeling that most women walking around concrete streets in heels are doing it for themselves. I’m assuming most men don’t want to stroll around at the slow pace heels demand. If heels in your mind are a precondition for love, then you don’t yet have the right idea.
Suki,
Love, love love you post. It very much resembles my truth and experience with that.
I also believe that love is not blind. Infatuation is and will vanish as soon as life is not perfect. Love is real and can only be real when reciprocated. I also used to try to win them over with ALL I had: appearance, outgoing personality (I’m a recovering introvert lol) my credentials, accomplishments, trips etc etc etc. — exhausting!!! I have changed my pattern which is not 100 percent but moved away from that limiting mindset and are attracting more quality men since then (couple years now)
So my guidance is reciprocation. Also in friendships and even though I might have my hopes and dreams that don’t align unfortunately with the other person, I reign myself in quickly when it’s not reciprocated. At this point I don’t even want it when it doesn’t come ‘freely’ so to speak and then I lose interest and just keep going with my interesting and full life. It feels good and healthy and disappointment isn’t so rough anymore. It’s a byproduct I have accepted when you are open and vulnerable.
The whole self care thing and having a bit pride is really moving us in a healthier direction 🙂
Thanks unfolding! and I like your ideas about reciprocation and handling disappointment. Love or friendship cannot be entitlement based. I think we have had these conversations in the comments sections a long time ago – what is reasonable to expect from others. ANd thats the whole point – figuring out that question is part of the discovery process of friendship and dating. People unfold and show you what you can expect from them. I have people that I have been social with at work that I cannot even expect will reliably greet me. It stings the first couple times, its a childish snub, then you have to learn to adjust your own behavior and expectations. And they’ve just showed you they’re not going to be a good friend/colleague.
If you build on mutual reciprocation you hopefully cannot be too disappointed because you are asking of the other person what the relationship can bear. You give your new friend a small gift for their birthday. You don’t ask them too early to go on a holiday with you [THATS future forwarding]. Then if they fail to give you a gift back you cannot be too disappointed. There is no tradition of gift giving in your relationship and you only gave a small one yourself. You don’t overwhelm the other person with your ideas about love before knowing if they will return those sentiments.
And I think this way its easier to call out your real friends if they do disappoint you in big ways – you can tell people about your expectations that were disappointed if those expectations are a mutual part of the relationship. I think over the years my really real friends have only ever irritated me in the tiniest of ways and I ignore that. Thats why they’re my good friends. Because they don’t disappoint me. ANd we have both spent 10+ years figuring that out [I’ve known all my close friends at least 10 years].
Such wise words Suki,
Thanks for sharing!
“You don’t overwhelm the other person with your ideas about love before knowing if they will return those sentiments”.
With a relationship in mind, I think it’s so important to get to know the person first and understand how they relate to love and other core values and of course knowing ourselves as well.
Not that it’s all about protecting ourselves, but I find my dating experiences so much less disruptive than it used to be because I try to get a gauge on how they relate. People often show that through their habitual behavior (e.g. Always late) and you don’t even have to ask directly-just observing I find a lot of answers whether I am pushing my agenda or if we are on a similar page.
Yes, make sure that you don’t focus on making it about HIM. Pinch yourself! Hellloo you are a part of this as well! He came into your life to help you sort things out and realize what you need to do in order to find the right man. I have started working on my people pleasing issues – I tend to want to take care of these EU hurt men and it backfires on me. They don’t have it in them to be there for ME. Time to look out for number 1. It’s all well and good to be a nice person and friend, but giving, and giving, and giving, but getting nothing in return is exhausting. You have to know when to stop. I’m no angel, and I am far from being healed since my last issue with my EU, but I work very hard to stick to my new found information about myself and try to adjust. U can 2!!! 🙂
Good day ! How do you all handle a man who guilts you? I have tried NC with an EU male friend who has mutual feelings for me. I want NC because of his future faking and leading me on. If I don’t answer my phone or don’t reply to his text immediately, he sends a quick text basically saying, “oh okay guess u aren’t talking to me.” I feel bad of course … please note that if I text him and he does not answer, that is normal. He ignores a lot of my texts, which upsets me. He ignores questions that put him into a position of making a decision. This is another reason why I want to push him away. I care for him, and know he is a great guy but this is such a huge flaw. My stomache turns when I miss a text and he doesn’t reply back because he is upset with me. Why do they do this sort of thing? What’s the purpose ???
Ninasix,
Why do you even bother with ‘handling’
a guy that guilts you?? Repeatedly !!!That alone is a deal breaker. Right there it stops and you DO No Contact. You do not understand or sound convinced that you need NC because you still respond to him. You need to become more knowledgeable and assertive on your boundaries!! What is ok for you and what isn’t? Only you can set the parameters how you want to be treated and if people ignore that or don’t respond- it’s bye bye!! This guy sounds passive aggressive and all that double standard is AC-ish behavior! What do you want from him (sorry if that sounds harsh) ? He is not special at all and if you don’t matter to him put your energies behind that he also doesn’t matter to you. And go NC for real.
Good luck
Unfolding – no thank you for being straight forward , I am fine with that!:) I guess I need to give a little background on him. We have known eachother since college, and he ended up being a Texas Ranger. I went my way, he went his way and then he found me again after all of these years. He is retired now and actually lives within 4 hours of me which shocked me! His life has been very complicated because he grew up in an abusive home which has caused him some social issues, and he also has PTSD. Working as a Ranger for so many years my assumption is he also saw things that weighed heavily on his mind. He has been very open with me about how he has trouble connecting with people , and no one understands him — but I do. Well that’s all well and good, but when he does these disappearing acts and cannot communicate , how do I help? I can’t. It’s as if he just assumes I will understand because I have known him for so long. He future fakes quite a bit with me, and sadly I admit to dropping what I am doing if he calls or texts thinking he will finallly spend time with me and I can try to understand what is driving him to push me away, but claim he needs me. Argh! The boundaries I set up apparently are weak because he always finds a way to wiggle his way back in. Because of his fragileness I just feel like I need to always give him more chances, and take exception. At one point he was so hurt because his best friend from college didn’t see him at a trade show, and he just felt deflated. He thought he had upset him and didn’t understand why this would happen. People see him as a very beefy, capable man. I see him as a marshmallow that is about to be overcooked and melt. That’s why I am on standby and don’t stray. I feel bad for him… but should I?
PTSD is a super convenient way to not have to take responsibility for your relationships. Oh I’m sure he has ptsd but he also knows he can use it effectively to keep you dancing on the end of a fishing line. And you’re very willing to see his past as justification for lousy behaviour. He’s not the first guy to use his sad sack past to reel in a Florence nightingale. His story sounds better (Texas ranger!) but that’s about it. (Even if you want to be charitable – yes there are lots of wounded people out there and we should help them. We don’t however have to marry them or have sex with them or give them money or let them move in)
I also have ‘friends’ that need help, they can be a bottomless pit of need sometimes. They use everyone around them. They don’t give back. You’d think no one else ever had a crisis. I had a friend say to me ‘I have to help her, she’s going through a divorce’. And I said ‘so are you!’. My friend was being used by someone having the exact same crisis! That person used her crises to get out of her responsibilities to others. And people let her because she was such a whiner and wore them down.
With these people if I feel a sense of responsibility, I give on their time as much as my guilt moves me too. But I expect nothing in return. I don’t call them. If I need advice, I go to people that have their crap together. If I need someone to cheer me up, I go to someone with emotional strength. Eventually I get wise and tired and move on. I say no. They try again. I say no. The end. They’re not my friends. No reciprocity.
I second what Suki wrote and Ninasix, please reread your own comment. It’s ALL about him. In an unhealthy way!
It’s blind loyalty and playing by his rules.
Nat has addressed these issues brilliantly in ‘the fallback girl’ and ‘take the focus off him and put it back on you’ and several more. Go into the archives. Start digging why you are ok and even defending his unacceptable behavior?
Wow suki that was verrryyy eye opening. It made so much sense. I am a Florence nightingale type and I need to step back because honestly, he isn’t there for me when I need him. I also tossed around d the idea about him using his past as a crutch with me and taking advantage of how nice I was. It angered me a lot… why do this to me? It’s my fault for thinking he will change and be the strong super man I used to know. I need to work on moving away from that… not easy! Thank u ladies.
Oh and one last comment … I have a few things I would love to go to him with. I need a sounding board once in awhile and when he is “able” to listen he is wonderful. But honestly he just can’t handle things like other people. It’s truly sad, so for him to keep me in his back pocket with a lot of future faking and flirting is ridiculous . I deserve better… I care for him, and want him to be happy but I don’t want to be a Florence nightingale to him anymore.
I’m reading all of these comments and I am still curious… here is my deal, I need to know how you all would handle this!
I have a male Best friend who is EU. His relationships with woman have always been short. He claims they aren’t trustworthy and become needy. I’ve been the girl best friend who listens to it all, offers advice, and also tight ropes on that FWB line. I’ve tried to not fall for him knowing his past, but whenever we are together, it’s amazing. We have fun, and enjoy one another. The issue now is that he finds it tough to be around me because he does want to have sex with me. He flirts is text all the time but nothing ever happens. He never follows through with his flirts. I don’t feel it’s my place to call him out on this … right? I mean we aren’t a couple for goodness sake. Plus if we did get together, I doubt we would be a couple. How should I feel about him future faking?
Hi GreenY,
It is absolutely your place to call him out on how he is treating you. You need to be very clear with him and with yourself about what you want and where your boundaries are.
The reason you have so much fun together is because you don’t ask for/expect/need anything emotionally from him. If you were to become a couple, this would change and he will show his true EU colors. You need to resist the temptation to believe things will be different with you.
Becoming emotionally available takes a serious ongoing commitment. You do not have the power to change him. He will have to realize he is EU and make the commitment to change in his own time and on his own terms.
Hey Stephanie thank you for your response!:) i guess in my head I thought if we finally did sleep together , he would see that I am the woman he hasn’t been able to find. I’m dreaming aren’t i… the friends with benefits things always hurts someone as well I know. The shocking thing is, he is the one that is worried about falling 2 much for me. I guess because of his EU personality I really need to step back. I would like to talk to him about all of this but he tends to become unavailable unless HE wants to see me. I have stopped asking him to come over, and it does suck because we could have fun. I’m not talking screwing around, but just fun. I really think the sex factor scares him away… I doubt he wants to lose me as a friend but I get crumbs now. It’s just confusing when one day he says he wants to come over and spend the night, and the next he will only flirt from a safe distance. He is very EU.. and confusing!!!:(((
He sounds …exhausting. And boring. ‘scared of sex’? – if this is true, why would you be interested in him? Did he really say ‘I’m worried about falling in love with you?’. And you bought this? Who worries about falling in love? He likes you just the way you are – taking all his nonsense seriously. This guy is not a nice guy. He flirts. He texts. He makes loaded sexual promises and then he backs away and pretends he didn’t (gas lighting anyone?).
And he goes further. He tells you he has to do this because really he’s afraid that he might be so dazzled by your awesome that he falls in love and…. and what? Would falling in love with you be such a tragedy? Its insulting. Aren’t you insulted? Why aren’t you – thats what you should ask yourself – why does such bad behavior not make me feel insulted? ANd you’re buying all this? This man is a louse.
Suki- I felt for allllong time now there was something wrong with me. Why wouldn’t this great looking guy want to sleep with me? I mean, we jive as friends but he’s always had this selfishness to him. Everything is on his terms. Excuses are always thrown at me for times when I ask him to do things but yet he gets upset about how he has trouble meeting people and connecting. He says that I am his only true friend and that I “get him”. Well that’s all well and good but everything’s so lop sided. I read what you said and I sat here asking myself.. “what the heck am I doing? What do I expect to get from this man? Will I ever really benefit? Will we be a couple? Is it worth pushing to try?” I answered ” I don’t know anymore, I want a friend who is more present, I doubt I’ll get in return what I have given him, no, no. It’s sad to see this, but I really am grateful to hear from you, and put it out there in black and white. He’s a complicated guy who strings me along for his own ego stroking needs. Talk about being super hot and cold as well.. I don’t know why I have put up with this for as along as I have. He was very concerned about a year ago because he was at a wedding where one of my relatives was. They know eachother and he thinks highly of him. Well this was a large event and my relative honestly didn’t see him. All I heard about for an hour on the phone was how he was so hurt because my relative didn’t see him and didn’t say hello and he was so sorry if he had hurt them. What? I had to calm him down … I should have asked him if he ever worries that maybe my feelings get a little crushed by his actions. It’s always an after thought. Well , as of now I am just tired and over this guy. I really do not want to play his games anymore!
Agreed. Staying with a person just because they’re nice is wasting time, for both of you. That person will probably still sense you’re not completely happy, while you’re living in a state of not-quite-happiness waiting to get out. Better to do that person a favour and end things sooner rather than later, that is the loving thing to do.
It has been a waste. He blows hot and cold and I figured he would be different and turn into the man I saw he COULD be. Hardly! To really help myself sort things out, I spent yesterday reflecting on time spent with him since we have met. I have been the one who prompts social outings, fun things to do, but he tends to shy away from doing that. Besides being EU I think he is an introvert. On good days I see him, or rather should I say, I’m worth his time. Honestly it’s sad because this man wouldn’t hurt a fly and has such a great sense of humour, but his hang ups about the way he deals with things socially and with me are just not working. He’s holding me back from finding someone who will really value me and appreciate me for everything I am. No more!
The only person holding you back is you, with your constant focus on him and blaming him for your choices. Please re-read your comments.
You’re clearly addicted to drama. You’ve been given some excellent advice yet you continue to make it all about him.
Hi GreenY,
Please free yourself from the hopeless, toxic cycle you’re in. Now.
‘He wouldn’t hurt a fly.’ Well, he’s certainly been hurting you by playing games and you’ve DEFINITELY hurt yourself by allowing it to continue. Please, stop ‘reminiscing’ about the times you’ve spent with him (or dreaming about ‘what might have been’). This is obsessive and nothing but a waste of your time and energy. Trust us, we know!
Time to focus on what is going to be actually HEALTHY for you, clearly this isn’t. Give up on the idea of him changing. He won’t change! (You cannot make him).
Please take our advice, we’re here to help–but more importantly you need to help YOURSELF. Good luck. 🙂
Hi Michele F thank you.. yes I have really learned so much and you all have been in my position. I appreciate the pep talks and no bull advice, it’s what I need! I remembered a week ago I had an important doctor visit and I texted him while he was working. I reminded him and he never said anything about it. Instead he sent a text about something HE wanted to show me. Such a self centered guy. :((( yes he will ever change, he puts on a good show for people but I know the real him. Time to do NC and refocus on myself. I honestly think he won’t even notice if I disappear — it’s not on his radar. Oh well, makes it easier for me. Hugs to u all!
GreenY,
I would strongly encourage you to consider what Mary had to say about owning your role in this bad relationship. Acknowledging that your actions, beliefs and choices may have made a bad situation worse is not the same thing as blaming yourself or taking responsibility for his bad behavior.
I stayed with my last boyfriend for over a year after I learned he was cheating on me. I did not deserve to be used, lied to or otherwise treated badly. BUT my unwillingness to stand up for myself only increased my misery and resentment. That is solely on me. Only by examining and working on my motives and beliefs about relationships (and about myself) can I hope to have a better relationship next time.
Stephanie – I feel that what you said is probably my exact issue with all of this. It’s about standing up to him and saying how I feel, and I have never been comfortable doing that. Anyone else could walk into a room (male friends), and I would have no issues telling them how upset I was about something, or ask them directly why they have been ignoring me when I needed them…. sadly they would never do that though. Only this one EU AC. I did read all of the responses and I am finding that I need to step back and work on me. He’s showing me who he is and it’s not someone I can be around anymore. (Especially for my mental well being!) plus there are other guy friends who want to spend time with me and have fun. I just need to rip the band aid …..
You’re trying to seek comfort from the source of your pain. He is not responsible for your feelings or actions. You do not have to tell him anything.
All your comments are still about him and/or how others behave.
You need to address your unrealistic expectations of the men in your life, such as getting upset when they don’t behave how you want them to.
You have some deep routed issues regarding men which will no doubt stem from your upbringing.
I used to tolerate terrible behaviour from so-called friends (especially females) because I was desperate to find a family/siblings. My mum, older and younger sisters were so mean and spiteful. I though if I could show someone that they were wrong about me, show what a good loyal friend I was, that person would value me. Nope. Just showed I was a doormat people pleaser. I wasted YEARS with mean people. So glad I don’t recognise that person anymore.
Only when you acknowledge your part in this drama, forgive yourself for not having self-esteem will you finally see that this guy is just as fucked up as you will you be able to move forward and give advice to others in the future from a healthy place. You can’t control him.
All the best.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I mean that and cherish your words. And I am so glad you have found the reasoning for things in your life as well. No one writes us an instructional manual!:)
My pleasure.
It won’t happen overnight, but you but you will get there.
And thank you for taking on board the supportive advice. I know it can’t have been easy to not hear what you wanted to hear.
You are right, it is tough to hear the complete opposite of what I thought everyone was going to suggest. BUT it’s what I needed to hear so I could figure things out with him. Oh if only this could be sorted overnight !:))
Mary I am going to work very hard on on this so I can forgive myself and rebuild my inner walls. I’ll check back in. Right now I am feeling almost lost and scared knowing I am going to push away from this guy who I have just come to know as a “norm” in my life. Don’t look back… u should never look back. Wooo!
Okay, so I’ve been on again, off again with this guy for about 2 years. We have broken up and gotten back together 4-5 times with me trying no contact on a couple of occasions. The most recent breakup was back in October. We started texting late November and then started seeing each other again last month.
We saw each other last Tuesday for dinner and sex. Then on Wednesday we got into a texting argument because that started with me apologizing for something I had said that I though he might have taken as a rejection. I thought he took it that way because it was something I said a few weeks ago and he had brought it up a couple of times since. Anyway I texted to say I was sorry for possibly rejecting him and I also shared something very personal about why I felt the way I did. He replied “no worries” and I then accused him of blowing me off and we got into an argument which ended when he stopped responding. I did not continue to text him after that. I know I overreacted to his comment, but he is prone to making those types of dismissive comments whenever I apologize or try to talk about anything serious.
Well the next day I texted to ask if we were still getting together next Tuesday which is now tomorrow. He has not responded and I don’t know what to do. Should I text one last time to ask if he just needs space or if he is done with me? Should I apologize for saying he blew me off? I didn’t say anything else negative during the argument, so not sure why he is so upset. Should I just leave him alone? I know he is being passive aggressive and the relationship was never really that great. I just hate to have it end with the silent treatment.
I just don’t know what to do…
@Donna- I have been through this sort of thing a lot. I think texting has reallllly become a problem with relationships. I assumed my guy was upset with me because he would not reply to a text quickly, or he would simply write back, “ok”. I wanted more than that. Guys don’t write novels and get into details via text from my experience. Him ignoring you is an issue, and downright rude! I would be quite upset that he is being selfish and not answering you back. You have asked if he is still available to go with you and he hasn’t said a word — leave it at that. I would go NC on him and move forward. I don’t trust that he won’t do/act like this again and you don’t deserve it. Be well.
I agree with Croix on both counts: his response wasn’t that out of the norm for the texting universe, but you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Either this guy can’t handle conflict or he doesn’t value you and your relationship enough to work through this small bump in the road.
One thing that did strike me was your comment that he had brought something up several times. It sounds like you both passed on multiple opportunities to talk face-to-face and instead you eventually resorted to texting. It sounds like you both wanted to talk but were unable to have the direct and honest conversation. You indicated that this was an already troubled relationship. I’m wondering if, perhaps, the troubles are because neither one of you is good at talking about your feelings and desires.
It sounds like you both struggle with intimacy and being emotionally available.
Well said Stephanie – my guess is he can’t handle conflict at all and is super EU. Either way, bad news…:(
Thank u both. I did end up texting him today but I didn’t apologize and didn’t ask him for anything. I just let him know that I would be happy to hear from him and left it at that. Now he is on NC.
I don’t like conflict and maybe that’s why I stayed with him for so long. He would always get angry and defensive if I said anything that could be taken as a criticism so we always avoided discussing our problems even though I know we were both mad about stuff that has happened in the past. He’s not a bad guy but if he is going to run and hide whenever there is trouble we probably can’t be happy together anyhow.
Donna – I’m curious. Do you feel at times that you have to filter what you ask him because you are worried about conflict? Worried he will get upset about the topic? Does he tend to shy away from making set plans a lot? (As simple as saying yes to a dinner date 4 days away). And finally does he ever have moments of “poor me” where he talks to you and makes you try and remember who you fell for? That you are the only one who understands him?
I’m not a conflict person either, which is why I tried so hard to people please my guy for 2 long. No more! Read the forums when you need to realize that all of us have seen what these men are like. Just stay strong with NC … I am working on it myself and it’s not simple. We can do this 🙂
Donna, your story is mine. Croix, your questions that you asked really struck me. If I say anything to my EUM about issues that need to be talked about, he either shuts me out or gets defensive and says I’m criticizing him.???? I really can’t tell him anything I feel without these things happening. It’s like my voice or my thoughts are shut down and I start suppressing until I get the courage to say something again and then he says I’m always upset or that these things will always happen but I honestly feel like we can’t ever get through a normal conversation to actually address my initial feelings. Ugh.
As I write this I’m actually cringing that this has caused me so much pain.
@Letting Go- I asked those questions because I am very familiar with this EU AC Narcissistic type. I think it’s almost like a rush to them to see us squirm because they love the control. It’s never fun to feel so guarded when you simply want to ask your man a question that should NOt set him off. Ask any other man, and they would answer you openly. It could be as simple as , “are you working this weekend?”. I learned quickly what I was allowed to ask and if I pushed 2 much, I was told that I would be “dropped” . I often wondered if it was because of his work history and his mentality was so guarded but at the same time, he is still a man and a human being and he needs to respect me. Well he has shown that he isn’t capable of being present as a genuine friend in my life so I have to move forward. It’s a shame, I really liked him all of these years but he’s not for me and it’s time to look forward and take care of me. I suggest you do the same 🙂
Hi Croix,
My situation was just like what happened to Letting Go. I learned to avoid any subject that might lead to a disagreement because he would get so defensive anytime I said something that could be taken as criticism. I also learned to avoid asking personal questions because I was afraid of being brushed off and rejected. If he went to a party without me and I asked him about it he would act like it was the greatest time he had ever had just to make me feel bad and let me know he didn’t need me to be happy. Another thing he did that was really mean was he would withhold things from me as punishment when he thought I had done something wrong. He was deliberately refusing intimacy which only made things worse!
My guy was always good about making plans. One time when we were supposed to go out I texted to let him know I wasn’t feeling great and didn’t know if I could make it. He asked if it was okay for him to make other plans. He was never a jerk about that at least.
He never pulled the “poor me” stuff. He would never show that kind of weakness. The only time he tried to get my sympathy was once when he was talking about all his failed relationships. He would meet someone, fall in love, and then she would stop wanting to see him as much. Eventually the relationship would just end. I suspect this is because his relationships all lack intimacy, but I don’t think he is aware of that fact. Now I have to deal with the humiliation of being the only woman he has ever dumped!
Thank you Croix for your comments. I have been feeling like it’s me lately and this stuff can make you feel crazy! Your questions made me realize that this behavior isn’t normal. This has been going on a year and I don’t want to invest anymore time in a man that won’t allow me to speak or share how I feel. It’s so lonely.
It’s so nice that you are moving forward as well. No matter their history, we deserve to be respected and heard.
When things are going well at this point, I feel I can’t relax and enjoy because everything gets buried and I worry about the next time that I try to express what I’m feeling. There is no way to get close to these guys. It’s scary that there are so many stories on here and how common this actually is.
Donna and Letting Go – I am no expert but I have read SO much here and listened to what others have said. I dug way back into 2014 posts last night to research. Natalie is a brilliant woman and I am thankful for her blog everyday!:))
I understand completely where both of you are coming from and it shouldn’t be like this. There are men out there who ARE respectful , do not act secretive, and will text back if you ask them a question . You shouldn’t change a damn thing for these EU men! I have been dealing with mine for YEARs. I am fragile because of it but am really working hard. I distance myself from him physically and only hear from him when he thinks he has lost control of me and needs to put me in his back pocket. It’s allll about control. Well I don’t want to be controlled, I am a very independent woman with a good head on my shoulders and I deserve better– so do you!!! Because of my EU and his behavior , I am able to predict what he will do if I text him “X” or “Y”. It’s sad when you know that they will hide from you to avoid confrontation . Then they suddenly show up like nothing happened. On his mind, everything’s beautiful and wonderful and I’ll always be there. He gets more upset if the paper boy looks at him wrong.. he doesn’t care about how I feel if he is short with me, or ignores me when I need him. He just blows it off. So, that is why I urge you to really not do what I did. I wasted years thinking I could change this NICE, charming guy. From the outside he looks perfect but he’s not. He’s a poison to me, and any other guy that acts like this should also be considered a poison.
Thank you both for sharing your stories. It really does help to know that I’m not alone. My guy had become so distant and uncommunicative that I wasn’t even enjoying his company anymore but still couldn’t break free of the relationship.
It’s funny because if I hear about someone who’s BF or GF is acting like mine I would know right away it wasn’t right. For some reason I couldn’t get out of a situation that I objectively knew was only hurting me. I don’t know what is wrong with me but I really still want to be with this guy!
Donna I wish we could meet in a coffee shop somewhere… look at me! Fast forward this is your future ! You aren’t nuts, I have been feeling the exact same thing as you. These amazing ladies on here have also struggled. I wish I had a 24 hour cure but it’s so tough – damn our hearts! I went into a massive downward cycle when my guy put me on ice. No communication at all and it broke my heart. I figured I had done it. My fault. Why wouldn’t it be. I had pushed him away. I confronted him which took everything I had — I asked if someone or some issue was causing him to push me away. He just laughed and said, “don’t flatter yourself babe.” So… exhibit B of the way the EU works. Me being the people pleaser I made sure that when he finally did text , I dropped everything and asked if he wanted to make plans etc. nothing ever is scheduled with this man. It’s on his terms. I look at men I deal with everyday (a lot where I work), and I talk with them. Have normal conversations and laugh. After, I shake my head saying , “EU will never be like that ever. Don’t try to change him he has show you who he is and always will be. Let him go!” So Donna, there is nothing wrong with you and being here will help you realize you are not alone. Im not fixed and sure deep down a part of me thinks he is still that attractive and charming man I met so many years ago but he is a chameleon. I’ve come to a cross roads and for my health and happiness I’m getting rid of the AC!! Yeahhh!
Donna, I feel your pain. I want to still be with mine too, but it feels bad. I’m pulling back and I’m going to try to go NC. Croix, thank you for your words, I can’t tell you how much your 3 questions helped me. My EUM does all of those things.
Hey Letting Go you are welcome. Good luck with NC, and if yours is anything like mine he will try to guilt you if you do not respond to him. Don’t let it phase you.. as soon as you reply he will disappear because it shows him you are still on the line. It’s what I have figured out dealing with military EU man. I admit it’s very calm and stress free in my life when he is away for extended periods of time. I shouldn’t have to look forward to times like that… that isn’t love. Good luck to you Letting Go , we are all here for you!
Croix and Letting Go, you ladies are awesome! Thank you so much for your support. I wish you both the best of luck in your journey free of EUMs. I know you are right and I need to find my way without him. There is no future there. Even if he takes me back it will be more of the same. I’ve made a complete fool of myself and I need to find the strength to stop.
I’m reading through the blog and I can’t believe how many women are telling my same story. Wow! And it never ends well. Hopefully I can keep up the NC this time.
Awe thank you so much! You sound like you are really figuring this out and have a good grasp on it now. I can’t imagine him guilting me as his lack of communication is what gives him the control, but I’m about to find out. I went through the never making plans at all with him as well. Our EUM’s sound so similar but I’m starting to realize they are all so similar. We all deserve better than this and the only way is to let them go.
Well don’t be surprised if at some point he does try the guilt game or turn things around on you. I’m not saying he will, but I have had it happen to me. I had told my EU AC about a very important meeting and how if he was going to be around I would love for him to ride along (it was a 2 hour drive). I also figured I would take him out to lunch in the city and it would be fun. Nothing stressful, fun and relaxed. Seems simple right? NO. Mind you this was awhile ago, but it’s a good example to use in the present : I texted him the day before and reminded him about it. I said what time we would leave, how it would be great fun, plus we can go to his favorite restaurant! Do you think I heard back? No. Not a word. My issue was that I kept trying to change him into this social butterfly who would be this and that blah blah .. he isn’t and never will be. Did it upset me that he didn’t have the you know what’s to text me, absolutely ! But it was also my fault for trying to make him into something he isn’t. He adores my family and cares about them a lot , and if he doesn’t hear from them he gets quite upset thinking that he has rubbed them the wrong way. He’s always saying he will be there if they need anything. It’s all in his head .. it sounds good but it won’t happen. Plus, what about me? I needed him and he hurt me numerous times when he didn’t answer my calls or texts. He knew I would just “get it” and understand his issues. Well, guess what… I’ve learned soooooo much from being on here. This man can find another doormat. You ladies are stronger than you think- there is always hope. 🙂
I also must comment that I have dealt with allllll of this and the worst part is that you do fall for these men. They have your heart and so it’s not easy to let go. It’s awful. It’s life. But it won’t be easy. I see photos of the guy that sucked me in and my stomache turns because I’m so upset with the way he used me and ignored my needs . My stomache turns because I’m still in love with the man I first met– not the man who showed his true colors. Him I loathe.
It’s so hard right now to not communicate but I’m going to do it. It has been 1 day. ???? Adidas, it is very hard and they do have our hearts. I read one of Natalie’s articles about them treating everyone else better than you. They are there for other people, but not for us. My EUM is like that, he seems to find time to text and talk to other people in his life, but I get left with no replies to even my text. Just like Croix was saying, we get ignored. I knew something felt off at the beginning and I ignored my instincts, I should have listened. He might give me guilt trips eventually but I honestly don’t know if he would even put that much energy in. That’s why I’m at no contact finally, this isn’t the way people treat you when they supposedly love you.
Yup Letting Go it’s painful . It’s draining on your mentality because you so badly want to hear from them. You just want to see them or talk to them. I’m going through this and it is awful. With my work I had to send the EU a message asking if he could be available to help me with something. (Prep type work) he is knowledgeable in the field and it benefits me to have him assist me. But it’s alllll about him. As I have read on here, these guys make lousy friends and partners. They suck the life out of you and make you doubt other men. How can you trust someone else? I don’t trust my EU. At all. So as of right now I am still waiting… waiting to see if he will text me and help me out or will he scatter and hide to avoid conflict. My guess is he will hide. I end up getting so angry when he does this but I know it’s myself I need to work on. I cannot count on this man anymore. I need to get away and forget about him. It all sounds so easy but it isn’t. I have tried NC but he ends up as someone else pointed out in other posts , making me feel bad. Or he sweet talks me. Then he disappears after he sees that I am responding to his texts. Or, and this is my favorite (not really), he will finally text back but not acknowledge what I had asked him. He pretends he never saw the text at all. Such bull. I lost this man to Instagram and Twitter. It’s all he does so I know his phone works. His social skills are zero now because he’s always online. Frustrations — I have plenty. Broken heart – it’s shattered. Will I confront him and tell him all of this? I would love to!!! But I won’t because he never has time to see me. I refuse to do it via text. Plus he would “not get the text”. I doubt it’s worth even bringing up with him. I want to run away and not look back…..
Adidas,
I wasted a LOT of time with my EUM assclown because I was hanging on hoping to get something in return for all I had invested in the relationship. I was also waiting for that chance to tell him off for how badly he had treated me. I also believed, silly me, that I could “help” him be a better man by letting him know he was lovable and showing him an example of how to treat someone in a loving relationship (gag!). Most of all I stayed because I wanted him to apologize for treating me like shit for most of the relationship. Major waste of time and energy. In the end I walked away with nothing beyond diminished self esteem and a broken heart.
It’s perfectly normal and understandable that you want closure. The hardest thing for me to accept when I went NC was that I would never get closure and the only thing I would take away from this relationship was a very painful lesson learned. When you are a giving person it can be hard to comprehend how someone who seems so nice can be so totally unfeeling and selfish, but that’s how EUs are.
Go NC and stick with it. You are NOT running away. You are moving forward with caring for yourself, healing yourself, loving yourself.
Stephanie u nailed it! I feel like he owes me an apology and to admit he was such an ass to me! Aferall, I put up with his crap for soooo long! And you are also 100% right — I am a great person, always there for him, will help him etc but he only FF’s about returning the favor and being there for me. It hasn’t happened yet, why would it ever? I am feeling frustrated about how he is just choosing to hide and not text me, but you know what, fine. NC it is and I am ready to start healing. The telling him off, I’m guessing really wouldn’t do a darn thing. He may act like he is sorry but he probably would just play the role so he could see if he could hook me back in. Brutal.. so brutal on our hearts. I’m ready to get my self esteem and SELF back!!!! Thank u Stephanie u are amazing. I hope u have found yourself .
Adidas, Thank you for your kind words. I have not yet found myself but am making significant progress. It’s an ongoing battle.
Telling him off will only make it worse. Deep down we know that which is why we shy away from the attempt. Why give ourselves one more thing to feel bad about? My ex did so many things with the intention of hurting me and I really don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he succeeded far beyond his hopes.
You will find a million reasons to break NC. Be strong and don’t listen to that little voice that tries to talk you out of it.
Thank you Stephanie — I actually heard that Lady Gaga song “million reasons” today and it also had me thinking about my reasoning for even wanting to confront him. I think part of me wants to not confront him because he will go away. Isn’t that messed up? It’s messed up because I want him to go away but on my terms. I do not believe mine does anything intentionally to hurt me. He’s said too many things that really make me realize that he is extremely caring , but his control issues and social issues tend to cloud everything. Hard to talk to this guy when he doesn’t have 5 minutes for me, but yet he can suddenly call me and be so thankful for being there, asking me about my family, asking if they need help when they move etc… it’s all very confusing. Sure they need help but um, what about me? It’s like he doesn’t want to look bad in there eyes — he figures I am roped in and know his true self so I’ll just roll with it. Shrug. You can see why I am over it.
Stephanie I really hope you keep mending — u have given me hope and helped me feel soooo sane. It’s been a tough journey with this EU AC Narcissistic man. I just want to heal.:))
I question why these men are so selfish. My story is much like all of yours. The arrangement he and I have used to be wonderful as very close friends, but once we started to get closer things changed. He had a G/F at the time so he pulled away but our friendship suffered. It got so bad that when I would see him , he would act like I had the plague. Suddenly though he would call me and flirt for an hour. This went on for 6 months back and forth. I used to spend a lot of time hanging out with him and helping him with misc projects . Well guess what happened when I asked him if he would help me out? He disappeared . No fish on the line. He’s a selfish friend that only shows up when it benefits him. Men.. sigh
Evening. A friend of mine has been dealing with one of these EU’s for along time. I watch from a distance and try to suggest she distance herself and move on, but she feels that she can not do better. He is controlling, a future faker, EU, and seriously just so aggravating ! They have been seeing eachother for about 3 years now, and no matter what, everything is on his terms. If he wants to call her while she is at work, he strongly suggests she step outside and take her call. None of the conversation has to do with her of course. If she asks if he will go with her to an important meeting etc, he suddenly disappears for a boys weekend. He then does not ask how she did, or if she had a good time. His preferred means of talking is only text. When he is actually at her apartment, he is on his cell checking out Twitter or texting his friends. Her heart has been broken so many times by him. He claims that he would do anything for her and her friends and it would bother him if any of them didn’t ask him for help. Well, the man disappears and won’t text anyone back. Not even her. I wish she would listen to me, and free herself. Is there any hope if she does talk to him ? Will he change if she alerts him to the fact that he is being this way? She does not like to ruffle feathers — i on the other hand bite my tongue around him.
Why are you so invested in the private life of your “friend”? Seems like you’re as addicted to the drama as she is.
She’s okay with things as they are, she gets to be the victim, take no responsibility and get attention from you and others.
Personally, I think there’s a massive difference in supporting someone who is struggling whilst taking action to change their situation and enabling someone to stay stuck.
You’re not helping her by being a safe place for her to complain.
Please step back and ask yourself why you are happy to live through vicariously through another persons drama. Do you have stuff going on that you’re trying to avoid?
I’ve been you. The dumping ground. I bet she drops you in a heartbeat when he comes running.
Does choosing to be her therapist and socialising with her man make you happy?
The best way to help your friend (and treat yourself with love, care and respect) is to stop being a Florence Nightingale (Nat has many articles).
Whenever drama comes my way I always ask “Why am I here? Why am I engaging in this shit? If I were on my deathbed would I regret not devoting more time to other people’s drama?”
You clearly don’t like to ruffle feathers otherwise you wouldn’t be so heavily involved.
Next time she comes complaining you could say something like “well things can’t be that bad if you’re choosing to be with him.” Don’t give her the platform to argue and play the victim. Continue with statements. If she doesn’t want to acknowledge her part in her issues, you can’t make her. Soon she will find someone else to complain to.
Taking responsibility for your happiness is your responsibility. The universe is teaching you about self respect and boundaries. Are you a dumping ground for other so-called friends or treated like shit at work or by family?
Please take the time to look after you.
All the best.
I would say even though it’s not an easy decision but no decision on this earth is easy, it’s not easy to choose a career, not easy to say No, not easy to see our love leave us, it’s even worse to lose them to death. But that’s life and we have to always try our best to make the right decision no matter how hard it might be. Thanks for that piece
Well put. Life is hard and sometimes you have to feel pain to move forward. It sucks to let them go, and breaks your heart, but in the end it is for the best.
Greetings. I saw some people have mentioned PTSD on this blog. My issue is that I have a man who has PTSD and a social phobia so he tends to “shut down”. He will forget things we have discussed or he will get into moods where I won’t hear from him for a week or so. He will then suddenly find me and act like nothing’s wrong. I have dealt with this, and have known about it for awhile now. Sadly it hurts what we have though. We just don’t click like we used to and it’s very tough to talk to him. Everyone sees him as an outgoing amazing man but I know he is hurt. I am exhausted from putting on a show with him when we go out and see friends. That’s also a rarity — he prefers to be alone a lot. He has had counseling but that doesn’t work. My question… he’s a sweet man but it’s almost like I’m seeing two different men. Do I stand by him or should I be honest and guard myself … I do care so much for him.
Feverdub,
From reading your post it sounds like you want to end the relationship but feel that your own feelings of hurt, unhappiness, dissatisfaction and loneliness aren’t a good enough reason. Well, those are exactly the reasons to end a relationship. Guilt is not a good reason to remain in a relationship that is not working. You are not a bad person for not sacrificing your happiness and sanity in a vain attempt to “save” him.
Hey Stephanie – yes I feel like I am being pulled back and forth. He is such a great man, but because of his issues he just isn’t present anymore. I want much more than he can give me. Honestly, I see the “old” him that I met maybe about 30% of the time. It’s very sad and frustrating because I cannot fix him. I also find that I do not trust him as much anymore either. Little things will make me question whether he really is telling the truth about where he was. It’s only because he did cheat on me awhile ago. He claims it was a drunken work party thing. I feel like I am part of a damn movie at this point in my life and can’t figure out if I am going to turn the corner and see a monster, or walk into a sunflower field.
What you are describing really isn’t all that uncommon. Maybe you no longer see the “old” him because that isn’t who he really is. Maybe he was putting in that extra effort like most of us do when a relationship is new only to revert back to his natural state once the courtship was over.
Yours isn’t the first relationship to start out great only to fizzle. You can both be good people without being long-term compatible. Only you can decide what you can and can’t live with.