When we’re really into or still in love with somebody who we’re no longer with, but they still text, call, or ask us to hang out or to fix something, or even use us as a sounding board because, well, we’re ‘so good at that’, what do we do?
We tend to drop everything because we’re hoping that this person will fall for us again.
We’re hoping that if we keep doing some or all of the things that signify our devotion to them, that they will feel compelled to get back together. We hope that it will prompt them to see us in the way that we want to be seen. We hope they’ll drop everything for us.
What happens next? More often than not, we get hurt. Badly.
They are not as careful with our feelings as we are about our devotion to them.
And after a while, we start to feel bruised and possibly quite angry and resentful beneath our veneer of calm and being ‘pleasing’.
To them, it seems clear that they do not intend to get back together. They might even seem OK with having this seeming power to decide the fate of the relationship. ‘Clearly’, if we’re still engaging despite the lack of reciprocation, they can safely assume that we’re a shoo-in.
They might think that this is what hanging out, being friends and ‘caring about an ex’ is all about.
And I get it. When you’ve been in a relationship for some time, and then you break up, it can feel so abrupt to just go from that to being friends or even not being in touch for a while. The thing is though, blithely carrying on as if it doesn’t matter that we still have feelings for them and as if they’re not messing us around (they are, even if it’s ‘unintentional’), isn’t fair.
We’re, however, also not being fair to us if we don’t draw our line and step back for our own self-care. The truth is, if we continue to engage with them in the secret hope that they will feel inclined or yes, even obliged to give us another shot, it’s not fair to them either.
We’ll keep opening ourselves up to being hurt and then call it something they’re doing.
That’s not to say, whether it’s consciously or not, that they aren’t engaging with us from a place based on us having feelings for them that they enjoy but are not willing to truly reciprocate to the level that we desire. Until, however, we honestly reflect about why we remain open to it, we can’t see where we’re hurting ourselves.
This past weekend, I binge-watched the final season of Broadchurch (excellent British crime drama with David Tennant and Olivia Coleman). Without giving much away, there was this scene between a separated couple. He didn’t want the breakup, so each time she calls, he comes running. On this particular occasion, she comments about how he’s basically really good for unloading on. He finally does the right thing for the situation and speaks up for himself. In doing so, he acknowledges the truth about the current state of their relationship.
Him: You can’t just call me to come meet you for coffee like everything’s still the same.
Her: Can’t I?
Him: No. You know you can treat me like your little dog. Give me a whistle and I’ll come running, but I need you not to do that. I need you not to give me any hope.
And, boom.
We resist being honest and drawing our line because we don’t want to admit the truth and extinguish the hope that’s been blocking us from accepting that the relationship is over.
We think we’re OK with being needed in this way and being, in some instances, someone’s ‘supply’. Well, that is until we realise how we’re extending our pain and turning it into suffering.
The object of our affections doesn’t necessarily want to admit that they’re, in effect, using us.
Intended or not, they want things on their terms, sampling the things that they enjoy about us and a relationship while talking themselves out of getting back together. In the meantime, they’re rationalising about friendship, enjoying our company, and things not having to be so ‘cut and dried’. They figure that if we can’t cope, we’ll let them know and blah blah blah.
If someone knows in their heart of hearts that they don’t, in all seriousness, want to get back together (or even that they don’t actually want to begin a relationship and want to keep it casual, another area where this issue arises), they need to speak up. They know, whether they admit it or not, that the other person is holding out hope. They’re also too caught up in their feelings to read the writing on the wall. So they need to do the responsible, respectful, loving thing. They need to step back instead of stringing them along.
Being honest allows the people we’re engaging with to make emotionally responsible decisions.
When I speak with people who avoid being truthful with somebody who is into them, I tell them:
If you’re so clear in thought that you know that you don’t reciprocate their feelings or that you don’t want to get back together (or be in a relationship), speak up! They’re into you, and that clouds a person’s judgement.
Bringing it back to us though, we mustn’t string ourselves along. We need to step back at the point where we might be starting to lose a little or even a lot of respect for ourselves.
We mustn’t be that person who someone whistles for, and we come running in the form of, for example…
- Letting them dump their problems on us while we play armchair therapist (because we’re trying to show how we ‘get’ them better than anyone else)
- Letting them slip into our bed (because we think that one day they’ll suddenly feel inclined to put a relationship and a ring on all the hassle-free sex they’re getting)
- Playing text tennis with them for half the week (funny that they might be ‘too busy’ to actually spend time with us or pick up the phone though…)
- Providing an ego stroke (not realising that we’re boosting them up so that can feel good about themselves while we’re feeling crappy and at a loss)
- Being the back-up plan (letting them call us up the moment that things go belly-up with their latest fling, only for them to dump us yet again)
- Being the one they call when they’re at a loose end (but not being included in the key stuff)
We need to not do that.
When we let somebody play with our affections, we turn it into hope, and it then gets turned into disappointment. And lather, rinse, repeat until we finally opt out of the disappointment cycle.
Even if they keep texting or calling after we draw our line, we need to see it for what it is and not be available. And it won’t be because we’re playing games and hoping to trigger them into chasing us, but because we’re better than being an option.
We need to stop giving us false hope so that we can have the true hope that comes with treating ourselves with the love, care, trust and respect that we deserve. Only then will we not accept less than mutually fulfilling relationships.
Your thoughts?
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I think this was written for me :). So much of it resonated with me. I recently broke all contact with an ex because I found myself angry and resentful after months of over-giving and frankly, secretly hoping that all of my efforts would be rewarded by him taking me back. He didn’t. This line really hit me: “We resist being honest and drawing our line because we don’t want to admit the truth and extinguish the hope that’s been blocking us from accepting that the relationship is over.” I had to step up and realize that I was torturing myself for something that is never, ever going to happen.
Ugh I shared this article with my EUM ex to try to explain why I was acting so odd (we were trying to be “friends” and I just couldn’t do it). He replied and basically confirmed he thinks I’m crazy and condescendingly said he was glad I was getting help. I feel like such a pathetic loser. I should have taken the article’s wisdom and used it for my own benefit. Instead I’m back at square zero feeling like a total psycho loser. I guess I’m not meant to be in a relationship with anyone, ever.
Julie,
Don’t get down on yourself or your future just because you weren’t able to remain friends with an EU ex. A lot of people try to stay friends after a breakup and it almost never works. The reasons your relationship ended didn’t disappear just because the relationship is over. What he says and thinks doesn’t matter. You aren’t at square zero; you’re way ahead. It’s addition by subtraction: you got rid of an EUM. You are taking the steps to work on and care for yourself and you will be a better person because of it. If he wants to stay stuck and continue to be EU, that is his problem.
Thank you, Stephanie. I really appreciate your response 🙂
This is SO spot on. All of this basically sums up the last 9 years of my life, and the current end to all of the EU drama.
Readers Digest: I met a guy who liked me for me. He was smart, handsome, funny, and had a very good job that I admired.
He quickly gained my trust, and because I was blind to his games, I fell for everything. Out of the blue he tells me he has a cruddy relationship with a girl that lives hours away. He doesn’t even like living with her and doesn’t trust her. Red flags. But, at the time I wanted to help. Me being such a great “friend”, I stood by him. Listened to him get upset and ask me why she does this and that blah blah. After awhile he would ask me to hang out and watch movies, take his dog for a walk, go running with him…. and texting was constant. Flirting was hot and heavy, and it was based on when he needed an ego boost. I never slept with this man, we always just kept it blurry with the understanding that if “things were different”. Don’t get me wrong, we always were very close but either friends would stop by that didn’t know we were at that level, or we just realized — no. Nooo! It ended up being extremely painful for me and supposedly for him. About a year ago he just point blank said to me that it’s difficult to get close to me because he loves me but as a friend. Really? All of his actions were more than just friendship. I pushed away from him because the hurt of thinking he would suddenly change and turn into that 110% available guy who wants to plan a wedding with me, move in and share laughs while watching movies, speak freely about how we care for eachother, and text me asking how I was daily wasn’t happening. And it never will. Never.
To this day he still randomly texts me and it’s all flirting. He does not live near me anymore, but still travels here once in awhile to do work. With his flirts, he tells me he wants to see me and stop by. Such bull. All he is doing and getting an ego boost hoping I am still in his back pocket for when he needs me. For when he and his GF are not doing well. I’ve learned a lot from this blog, and therapy. This man really had my heart and he still thinks that he does. I’ve never had the final word with him to tell him how he hurt me, and so sometimes I try to see if he really will stop over so I can unleash. Waiting is not realistic as he lives his life. I’ve stopped stewing about it , and let it go.
It’s not easy to ignore the EU charm with texts he sends making you think you still are on his mind allll of the time. It’s a game, and I am working very hard to move forward.
I haven’t seen him and hope I don’t at this point. My life has improved dramatically- I no longer think, “oh I should text EU and tell him this or that…” he’s in the past. Hello future. Thank you Nat!
“speak freely about how we care for eachother”
Have to say that’s a high bar that doesn’t belong next to daily how u doin’? text.Had great relationships and it wasn’t all free feeling talks but feeling restricted about being able to talk about emotions is a super bad sign. The good men I’ve dated showed it more than saying it. When trust someones actions don’t need constant verbal affection or affirmation. Texting red flag. LDR is another. Travels for work made his all started ringing memory bells. For what it’s worth anger is a waste unless you use it to motivate self growth. Pity the guy for his ambivalence. Think this guy cared but not enough to “risk” his current arrangement and seems to be avoiding intimacy or at least making a decision in some regards. Eventually you will stop caring enough to even be angry about it anymore. Eventually you will probably see it as a sad “if things were different” (wishful thinking and longing when actual actions could be taken to change it) situation too. Everyone has a gap between what they mentally logically profess to want and what they actually end up doing. Some people are further apart on those things than others.
Ugh, this sounds exactly like a dwindling friendship. I don’t want to admit I was just probably used for my generosity, help and always being available as the “armchair therapist”. It really just is a big disappointment. Every newsletter I follow though, has the theme of “letting go” and “moving on” when something is no longer serving you. I think the universe is telling me something….
I can totally relate to this post and it’s a great reminder of where I was in a relationship with an ex and where I am now with my now fiancee, plus a reminder of how special I really am and how important it is to surround myself with people who want to actually invest time and effort into relationships. .
With my ex we were together for about two years until we reached a point where we broke up (due mostly to my bad behavior); however we still lived together for a short time afterwards and my feelings for him didn’t change much and I convinced myself that things were going to be fine. Well that wasn’t the case…in fact, the more he pulled away from me, the more desperate for him to love me I became. I cleaned, cooked, hung out with him in his garage..foolishly believing that he would want to rekindle our relationship and that our love would be epic!
Yeah, that didn’t happen either. I ended up moving out of his house and then spent some time behind bars; it took me 6 months behind bars to realize that I was clinging to a false hope…not to mention that he never visited me plus went out to a strip club the night before I went to jail.
In short I am now in a relationship with a man who loves me and doesn’t string me along…However I am grateful to have learned from that relationship (disaster; ).
Word!
Came here for some clarity today and left satisfied with a stark but accurate diagnosis. At least now I know what I am suffering from I can treat it accordingly.
I am a smart, successful, hardworking mum of one who is fully independent. Yet dumb and useless as a box of bent nails when it comes to relationships. I rarely date (trust, abandonment issues yada yada…) and it takes a lot for me to let someone in. My EUM persisted on/off for 2 years playing “gently gently, catchy monkey” to get me, until I finally allowed myself to believe his intentions for me were genuine (future faked the whole time). Why did he even waste that much time and effort? Was it all just a sick twisted game to him?
I was every single one of those bullet points and more. Took me whay longer than it should of to realise that having nothing was better than accepting crumbs. Had to finally admit to myself that he just used me and I was too caught up to see it. Sometimes the red flags were glaringly obvious and I sighed and still chose to ignore them, believing my value could not command better so I’ll take whatever I can get as long as he still wants me and is nice to me. So sad and pathetic urghh, ashamed….
I’m not savvy in relationships, I am completely honest and true, I go slow but am either 100% in or not at all. I am therefore always left on the receiving end of the rejection, pain, confusion and turmoil, setting me further back with my trust issues and journey to happiness.
Just purchased ‘Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl’ for some much needed self therapy. Thanks NML (what a surprisingly sizeable book! Gonna snuggle down with it over the weekend and take a good look at myself).
Ironically the people who care about you could also be the ones who know very well they’re incompatible with you and do the right thing by cutting off contact altogether.
This is timely as always. Think it’s about intentions, respect, and boundaries. If didn’t have them while in a relationship it’s hard to see how they have them after it ends. Had a few who were better acting because less tensions and things to argue about but all need some time to get over loss and make mental shift in our expectations.
Think people can be friends or on friendly terms when see each other but both have to be intended and open about keeping it at that level.
Sometimes it takes a hurricane; sometimes it takes a post by Natalie. When both happen together, I guess I’d better listen! Thanks to both you and Irma, darling!
“We’ll keep opening ourselves up to being hurt and then call it something they’re doing”. Well said! It takes a mature person to be able to recognize that there are two halves to the situation, and its not one sided. Thank you for this!
Kesha has a great song called, “Praying” which really helped me try and forgive the EU for the way he acted. I realized I was happy without him. I’m living my life without him. I also do NOT think about him all of the time or wonder where he is, and why he doesn’t want to see me. (So many other questions which you have all asked yourselves).
I crank up a lot of music and workout when his memories overtake my brain. I do have bad days, but I work very hard to remember the negative and WHY he is a coward. He showed me who he was, and no one but me saw it. Sadly I was ignorant, and I felt I was his one and only. Bull. My heart broke and he left me in a depressed sickly state. I have vowed to never get to that point again – especially since he never knew what he did. If I can live through this, I can do anything. You all can as well!
Sister, I can relate so well!
I go to dance classes and yes crank up the music!!!
I can so relate girl. Big hugs ????
I’ve been following you and this site for a while, but this article really resonated with me. For close to a year, I’ve been involved with a man who is extremely self-absorbed, yet instead of walking away for good, each time he comes back – I welcome him with open arms. Each time we get back together, it’s great, for a few days/weeks and then he’s back to his old tricks – texting other women, on multiple dating sites, and telling me we are better off as friends. I tried that route – anything to have him in my life. We fall back into the same routine and then he pulls another stunt. Yes, he has a problem and is EU, but I’m the one that allows this behavior. After reading this article, it’s time I put boundaries into place and NC – not for him, but for my sanity.
I know exactllllly what you mean. My EU recently texted me out of the blue and made empty promises alllll while flirting. I allowed his behavior and I know I shouldn’t have. I felt awful a couple of days later because he had vanished again. What really sucks is that I knew that would happen because I have known him for so long. He has even admitted that he has been within 5 minutes of my place but he is too busy to stop. He only wants a quick ego boost via text and poof!! He vanishes. He tells me what I want to hear and that’s it. He’s an awful , selfish man. Since reading this blog I have realized I am not alone and feel so bad for anyone that held on as long as I did hoping he would change. I struggle with blocking him and ignoring him still – I don’t want to see him but yet I want that final closure of just telling him how rotten he is. It probably won’t matter to him but to me it will. Good luck Rose – my trust with men at this point is zilch :((
I would venture another interpretation. I think EU/AC people want to reject you multiple times. Thats their payoff. He is not telling you what you want to hear – or at least thats not the motivation why he says these things. He wants to get your hopes up, get his ego boost and then let you down. Letting you down is a key part of the cycle. If you didn’t respond, you would break the cycle. He would probably come on a bit stronger to ensure that you do respond. Thats why NC is important. It breaks the cycle. Makes it harder for us to be dumped yet again.
The EU guy I knew managed to dump and reject me so many times – we never even had a proper relationship! Yet, multiple times, there was some serious rejection, dumping, dissing, ignoring, vanishing etc. So its on me that I did respond to him including this last time when some other friends were also planning an evening out. He asked me a number of times if I would go out with them, I said yes, and after all that planning and talking he never followed through. I haven’t seen him after that, and he essentially left me hanging that weekend, after all that planning and inviting, no explanation offered. I think he specifically told me that other people would be there, since he knows I say no to things if there is only the two of us. While my trust in people should be affected, the truth is that it is my own inconsistency with NC and with remembering that he is just not a person I can have around. When we know what other people are like, and we continue to engage, then its on us. Its us we cant trust to do the right thing.
I agree with you 100% Suki— that was very well put. I would get upset when my ex EU texted and left me hanging. empty promises, and trying to butter me up when he feels like texting. It’s all about getting an ego boost, disappearing, wondering if we will answer out of the blue, get what they want, and rinse and repeat.
I admit that I have to be better about ignoring him when he texts now because I end up in that loop. He still wants some sort of communication and connection to me. 99% of the time he texts me first, and I always feel as tho I should reply to him even though I know he will disappear or ignore me for days— because that’s how he and most men are. It’s maddening.
I have forgiven him in my mind because I don’t think he realizes what he has done to me emotionally over time. It’s time for me to move on, and leave him in the dust.
Every time some crap is going down in my life I think, “I should go read Baggage Reclaim” and EVERY SINGLE TIME it’s like you psychically knew what crap was going down and wrote about the EXACT situation I needed help with! Your blog is the best! Thanks so much for everything you write. What a tremendous help it’s been in my life!
Ditto what she said!!
Remember you never quite know what’s going on in someone’s head. I have a friend who, when he was younger, had a fiancee. He was gay, but at the time, didn’t quite realize this, he just knew he was struggling with his sexuality. He disappeared on her. I hope she didn’t waste years sitting around wondering if she did something wrong. Yes, it would have been nice if he’d sat her down and told her he was gay, but he didn’t. My point being, never sit around asking yourself “Why?” Waste of energy.
I have to agree with your readers BR on the amount of issues that surround relationships and I am so happy that I found your website which opened up my eyes and propelled me into acting in my best interest. I am so much older than your readers, 68 and have for the past year been involved with an EMU/MM/AC , 71, until I could not understand his behaviour, you would think I would no better. Reading BR gave me the insight. I married very young 21, and divorced after 25 years of marriage, he was my first boyfriend, coming from a small Caribbean Island, when I was growing up it was at least in my case that the first man you slept with you married, so as I was always very ambitious, wanted to experience the world and he was content to remain as is, nevertheless he was an easy going kind of man, so I could pretty much pursue my ambitions mostly educational wise, with the result that I outgrew him. So although I am a senior, my experience with men and the dating game as your younger readers know it in this date and age I did not experience. Before moving to the Netherlands, I had a four year relationship with now I know another EUM/AC, who completely drained me, and did a replica of all the behaviours as outlined by BR, while we lived together. When I finally could not take it anymore, I managed to get out from under him. After living in the Netherlands for over 20 years, during which time I never had another relationship or for that matter a man in my life, I dedicated myself to caring for my son, until he moved out and went to college. My job was very stressful and very unrewarding. After I suffered a severe depression, I did not work for about 3 years, and worked on myself I was my own therapist. I then decided to return to my island but after a year returned, you guessed it, to meet this EUM/MM/AC, I was so immensly starved for male attention, that I ignored all the red flags as Natalie mentions and just jumped in, line hook and sinker. My rational was, what the heck we are seniors, let us have some fun, not having had sex for such a longtime, It felt good for the first two times, but to make along story short, he had all the symptoms, and I was baffled, until I came across BR, I had noticed certain things myself, but by reading BR and the posts of you readers, I really understood what was happening and at the same time learn that I must trust myself and to love myself. I remember my Mom saying to me “Never let a man make a fool out of you” It hurts, I felt so happy at the time, but the last time we were together, that old feeling came back of being used, like Natalie said, I was made to feel like an unpaid hooker. He left, my selfesteem was in shatters, I felt as if I could not breath, I was hyperventilating, I was upset for weeks. Gradually I started to deal with it, oh he kept in touch, texting with images, and now and again a phone call, I saw him in March for the last time, I asked him three times when he was visiting, always an excuse, I decided I will not ask anymore. I gave myself an ultimatum, that if by Sept. 1, I do not see him I will implement the NC rule, which I did he has been calling but I do not take his calls. I keep telling myself, there is nothing to go back to, I realize that I do not want to go back to be with someone, who does not love, care, and respect me. Reading Natalie’s blog made me also realize that pretty all her topics on how we as women behave, I did.
Thank you Natalie and you readers for sharing, I guess that one is never too old to learn. I am sad and grieving, but I will survive.
There is one thing that I would like to say to all you young women, try to adhere to Natalie’s insights as much as you can, and please do not get involved with an EUM/MM however, nice or promising, if you can, do not waste away your life, waiting for him (my case does not apply)he is not worth it. Love yourself first!
Thank you for your post and sharing Cherry! I am 66, so not all of the people here are youngins. Life is a learning game, at any age! I also am trying to have NC with a EUMM. Sigh. After 6 mo. I slipped up and accepted his lunch invitation. I got back on the merry-go-round after I was feeling somewhat liberated (it took 6 mo. To get there). The emotional hell is too much. It is really like a disease. Constantly thinking about him and trying to get him out of my head is a battle! I can’t blame him. I have to make better choices and stop wanting to be with him. He is not good for me. HE IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.
Restart for me and stop the merry-go-round. I am off.
Where is the Farris Wheel, ticket for one.
Thanks to all the comments. It is a big help!
Natalie,
You always say what I need to hear at the exact right time! How do you do that? You are a Godsend to me. Thank you for your wisdom and insight! You help me so much! ??