I used to be a runner, literally and emotionally. I can still get my sprint on (I’m known as ‘Robocop’ by a bunch of teens that I chased down the street until they gave up due to my speed) but I don’t run from feelings anymore. I used to bounce from relationship to relationship (or date to date) because, well, I didn’t really know how to be on my own. OK, and I couldn’t cope with being flooded by The Feelings that were becoming increasingly difficult to bury and run from. I had always been of the mind that burying and running was best because after a few months and while safely ensconced in a new relationship with a new fella, I would be able to revisit whatever I’d run from and I wouldn’t be bothered anymore.
Of course like many a person before and after me discovers, there’s only so far you can run and if you never process and grieve your relationships, it all eventually catches up with you in what can feel like an emotional volcanic eruption. While sometimes it’s something big that sets it off, what happens more often than not is that something that seems theoretically smaller than other past pains, reopens old wounds. You end up ruminating and obsessing. You end up feeling stuck.
In this week’s Advice Wednesday, Victoria is experiencing a lot of discomfort in her relatively new relationship and she doesn’t know whether it’s because she’s unavailable and not over her ex (more like exes including one that she’s still working on not obsessing over, or whether she should just see how things unfold.
The handy thing about having an emotional airbag is for a time, you’re protected from having to face the feelings you don’t want to feel or face the things that you don’t want to see, but those feelings and truths don’t disappear and they make themselves known in our emotional, mental and physical health as well as how we’re showing up. We mustn’t ignore discomfort and we most definitely need to pay attention to our inner voice not the ego-led one that encourages us to ignore our truth and what we need to do. We also need to ensure that we don’t, even if it’s inadvertently, use people as a means to an end.
We need to get into relationships because we’re happy not as a means to become happy.
If we’re not empowered when we’re single or having to think and choose for ourselves, we’re not empowered in our relationships.
When we don’t know ourselves, we don’t know our decisions and choices and we don’t know our relationships.
How would you advise Victoria? Have you been involved with someone who isn’t over their ex or have you tried to see how things unfold when you knew your heart wasn’t in it or that you weren’t over your ex yet?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book at a clarity session or coaching.
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Dear Natalie,
Thank you for your post and thanks to Victoria as well for submitting the question. I am currently in a similar situation. I had a 3,5 years relationship (sharing a flat) and have been single for 9 months now. Last month I started dating again. Although I have worked out the reasons of the break up and was able to see the trigger points of my relationship, I still experience feelings of sadness, or missing his presence and old reflexes (like wanting to share with him some happy incident that may occur to me) make their presence from time to time. When these feelings arise, I just let them in, (I may listen to that particular song that reminds me of him and cry my heart out or let my thoughts gallop wherever they want, even to this dark place where my mind says ‘you will always feel like this, you will be missing him forever’) I won’t say it feels nice to feel these things or have these thoughts! But they are there and they are mine and they are just that :thoughts and emotions. And there is no reason to act upon them because the reality has not changed: the reasons why we broke up are still there, they ARE the reality. Of course I still care for him and love him but there is a reality that none of us can ignore. And as long as these reasons are there, it’s irrational to just stay and think about them again and again. They are not going to go away by merely thinking about the situation 100 times. So after 8 months of denial , I decided to turn the focus on me and asked myself: What can you learn from your single time? What kind of people do you want to be surrounded with and why? So I started dating again but also opening up for new friendships ,connecting with people that are outside my comfort zone and up to now I am shocked by how much resistance is there from my mind! All I want to say to Victoria is that if you want to start a new relationship , do it from an inner place of peace and clarity. And if feelings about your ex come from time to time don’t feel guilty about them, they don’t necessarily mean you are not over him, they may come to remind you that you need to take care of your wound. And you don’t have to isolate yourself on a remoted island to do that! Stay present and I think everything will unfold for you for the better! All the best!
Ugh, I’d have to disagree.
You are not over your ex. And regardless of how okay or not okay you feel with the remnants of that pain – how do you think that makes the person you’re currently dating feel?
I have been on the receiving end of this, and yes, I tend to be insecure anyway, but let me tell you: it doesn’t feel very nice or reassuring when the partner’s ex’s name creeps up in conversation regularly. When something can trigger him into tears because it reminds them of the break-up. When he states that he still does, and always will, love her.
Regardless of how cool a front your partner may put on, on some level they may very well be questioning your motives for being with them in the first place. And no amount of “No, I love you and am over them” will reassure them enough when, judging from your BEHAVIOUR, they’re getting the message you’re still pining over their predecessor. Actions speak louder than words.
We all make our own choices, but I would advise you to at least be very open to your partner about how you feel about your ex, so they can at least make an informed decision of whether or not you’re capable of giving them what they’re willing to give you. And perhaps ask yourself if you’d like to walk in their shoes.
Best,
Anne
I don’t agree with being open with your partner about how you feel about your ex. That’s your issue to deal with, not your current partner’s. They’re not supposed to be your shrink.
I do wonder, however, considering that it can take a very long time to “be over” your ex, how much over your ex do you need to be before embarking on a new relationship? I think I know the answer but if anybody would like to take a crack, please do.
I’m up and looking for conversation, so I’ll take a crack at it Teresa. You are ready to date after a breakup when –
– thinking about your ex doesn’t bring you to tears
– you don’t do the mental gymnastics of comparing the new person’s looks and mannerisms to the ex’s
I agree with you .
Anne, your guy was not over his ex and not ready to begin anew. Wondering why you hung in there with him…crying over the ex means that man’s heart was unavailable. I had a blind date with a guy who was clearly not over his ex…the whole date conversation was about her…I could have drawn her from his descriptive exhortations. He really used me as a shrink, because I tried many times to end the diatribe, change the topic…it always came back to his ex. That was our first and last date.
I agree with you. I was in a 6 year relationship that ended leaving me feeling like I was to blame, wasn’t good enough. It’s going on 8 months now and I don’t know when I’ll be ready to date again. I just know I want to heal the proper way because I still have my days where it’s absolutely hard to carry on. Just trying to be patient and trust this new chapter of my life.
Always go with The TRUTH deep down inside. “Fake it till you make it” doesn’t apply with waiting out a relationship. I did that to an ex-boyfriend and it hurt even worse. It was selfish and unfair. It will never get better if you wait it out.
I have to honesty say that before I met my current Boyfriend I was fresh out of an abusive relationship.
Was to myself 2 years before I met Greg.
We’ve been together 1.5 years.
I like this post and agree with the ‘time on your own’ idea. I have spent the last couple of years working on myself after a relationship ended. It was ok that it ended and it wasn’t going to become what I had wanted and so today I can see the good qualities of that experience but also why it was meant to end.
But recently I met a nice man and expressed interest. He also seemed interested and yet when I tried to move it forward he would back off. Then come closer, back and forth. Turns out he is recently (2 years) out of a long term relationship. That’s fine and I can appreciate that we don’t just lose feelings for someone after all that time. That is a good response and I respect that. But, he does show increasing interest in me and seems like he wants to get involved but when it comes right down to it, he does not ask me out or take it to the next step. I have stepped away because I don’t want to be developing feelings for someone who is interested but not emotionally available. I don’t want to be the woman he practices on before he moves on to the ‘right’ relationship. So – if he won’t step away from me and make that decision then I will. It’s not fair to me. This is important stuff and my feelings count, I like him but don’t want to be played. This is the perspective of the person you may be dating – it’s really not fair to them if you are not ready and available.
This post couldn’t have happened at a better time for me because I am going through a painful decision over whether to walk away from a current relationship (2 months) because :
a) I don’t know if I like him enough (my opinion of him changes with my hormones!)
b) I just don’t know if I’m ready to invest in something and honestly?
c) I’m not even sure if I can see a future with him, our backgrounds and lifestyles are very different.
However, when we are together we have loads of fun, we laugh all the time and he treats me like a queen to the point of maybe being too attentive and too soppy.
My last relationship ended over a year ago after nearly 4 years together and it was the worst time of my life. He broke my heart big time after discovering his deceit and betrayal.
I met the current guy online, after trialling the site for a month I had a couple of dates that never went anywhere and then met the current one. Tbh I’m not even sure I can be bothered with relationships anymore and all they entail. I thought my ex was ‘the one’, I still think about him most of the time and I’m jaded by the whole idea of relationships yet people keep telling me I deserve ‘nice’ now and to not give up on the current one just yet but I don’t want to lead him on either.
Not sure what to do really?
I’m in a turmoil. Would welcome some advice. I was with my ex and after so many ups and downs we broke up 2 yrs ago. When we started dating in 2009 he had just broken up from his ex wife and he jumped straight into this relationship with me. He was so kind and nice to me. But after a while I saw it wasn’t genuine, I realised I was just filling the empty gap in his life and boosting his ego. Still I stayed to try and work things out, I was the only one doing the work and ultimately I lost all confidence and was a wreck, arguing non stop, Eventually he left and has moved on in his life. All happy and confident whereas I’m still trying to understand what went wrong.
Eventually I started going out with someone last year, he’s kind of nice and we can talk and he was different from my ex.. but late last year he got involve in some drug deal and he went to jail for 8 months. I never rejected him as I know he made a mistake as he is not into drugs. I supported him all the way. Last week he came out of jail and we were both very happy. as he was planning how to restart his life. Yesterday we were out shopping and he bumped into his ex gf, he was staring at her for some time, I got annoyed and started an argument with him about this and he says it was nothing and that he finished with this girl years ago. I felt very insecure and I argue with him last night and this morning too and we both said some harsh stuff to each other. I can’t belive how things can change so quickly, we had so many plans when I visited him in jail every week. And now that he is out we are not talking anymore. I feel very sad as I don’t know how to handle what happen and instead keep accusing him..
I don’t know if I overreacted to this situation and kept accusing him over and over again as I’m very insecure as all my past relationships were based on my exes lying and cheating on me. I’m a beautiful person but have low self esteem issues. I don’t know if I’m the one sabotaging the relationship as everything was fine before I saw him staring at his ex. He’s apologised to me and says he didn’t mean to hurt me but I can’t let go of what happen as I keep arguing with him over and over again and he finally said to me that it’s best if I look for someone else as he can’t cope with all the arguments after what he went thru in jail..
Kadja,
I don’t mean any offense, but why in the world are you even trying to have a meaningful relationship with someone who went to jail for drug dealing? Him talking to his ex is not the thing you should be upset about. He is a drug dealer! Let him go and be with the ex. I’m not sure why you have invested so much of him in the first place. The minute he went to jail, I would have left. Please read some of Natalie’s post on self-esteem.
I know I will be seen as super judgmental but why are you fixated on some guy who makes such poor decisions he lands in jail? Next, if you have self esteem issues that is where you should be focusing your eenergy not on relationships because until you tackle that you will continue to get into relationships that make you feel bad or anxious.
I agree that I have self esteem issues. I guess I’m a magnet for men who have so.much drama and baggage in their lives. Why oh why I don’t know. 20 yrs of dating and failed relationships and same kind of drama over and over again..I guess the problem must be with me. Could it be I’m emotionally unavailable myself and keep dating these emotionaly unavailable men? i’m a very independent hardworking woman, but I always end up with the same kind of drama in my life.
Kadija, is it possible that you are not ready for relationships? You argued non stop with the guy that you have nothing negative to say for, and then went out with a felon waiting for him for eight months? There is a lot of drama in your life. I think look for someone quieter. What is making you so anxious? What steps could you take to make better choices? What do you see as good vs bad choices?
The recently released inmate is not the best bet if only because he needs time to adjust to life again. He’s in the rebound – from prison.
I agree with all the replies. I guess I’m always trying to put others before myself. I feel down since yesterday as my bf accused me of being selfish, controlling and that he never ask me to wait for him when he was in jail. And he doesn’t owe me anything for the help qnd support I gave him as it was my choice to do all this. I felt so gutted. He left and has not bothered to contact me. Plus I did lend him some books to read when he was in jail, I ask for them back he said he doesn’t have to give it back to me..I even wrote some poems to him when he was inside and he threw it in my face yesterday that I had copied and paste it from the Internet. I felt so so sad as every week I was there to visit him it’s made me realise how some people can be so heartless. I will never trust him again and I regret I did so much for someone who doesn’t deserve my time. Yes i was so stupid to stand by a convict and now I’m seeing the real person I was dealing with.
Kadija, let this man go….I mean, emotionally…..let him go. And then be alone with yourself for a while…give yourself three months to just be with yourself. I’m serious about the time….mark it down on a calendar. No phone calls to or from old lovers. No booty calls.
You are trying to turn every guy you spend time with into “The One”. It’s as if your only criteria is that they pay some attention to you and give you something to do. Even arguing with them makes you feel like you’re “workin on a relationship”. You’re not. You’re just trying to give life support to something that needs to die out.
These men you’ve been putting effort into – they are NOT YOU LAST CHANCE. Raise your standards for yourself.
U r right as I am always trying to turn a bad situation into something special and I’m the only one trying my best. I was on my own for 1yr and then I starting seeing this new guy. He’s a family friend. There was so much issues but I kept persevering as he was always saying sorry and endless promises. Until eventually he went to jail. I supported him and he got out on bail on Monday and I thought he would be a better person as he made so many promises when he was in there. Looks like he’s even worse as he speaks to me like I’m nothing in his life… I have blocked him from contacting me. I guess I will take time to recover from all this drama as I feel down and feel there is something wrong with me as I’m always doing my best for the wrone person.
I watched Judge Ross today and a young woman was suing a man she met via online dating. She and he had communicated via text and video for 9 months…never met in person until this court appearance. She had wired him $800 to come see her, since he was less financially off than she. Once he got that money, he vanished from all her social media attempts to connect. She then created a fake online persona, chatted him up again…and voila!…..he began communicating with this new woman…saying all the same things to this persona woman as he had been saying to the original woman – talking about wanting to meet her, how great she seemed…etc.
Judge Ross did find in her favor, saying the man needed to pay back the $800, but Judge Ross also said something key – he asked her why she was so intent on pursuing a man and finding a man. He said she needed to relax and let the men find her. Let the man save up $800 and come see her.
You need to trust that a man is going to want you, Kadijah. You are acting like no man will ever really want you, so in order to get a man to stay with you, you have to be the bestest most supportive woman who will do anything for her man – regardless of whether he has done anything for you.
Stop it. Stop overdoing. Make sure you do NOTHING for the next man you meet. Let him do the heavy lifting. And if that strikes fear in you, makes you worried that no one will choose you, well…we have arrived at your problem – you have no sense of your own value.
Time for you to start recognizing your own value. It’s WAY PAST time for you to start recognizing your own value. Not blaming you for not seeing your own value. Past experiences, family dynamics…who knows?….but something caused you to seek approval from outside sources, beg people to return just one favor, beg people to treat you as nice as you treat them. But that has got to end. No more begging others to show you kindness. Show yourself kindness by stepping away from people who treat you poorly. Start pulling back the layers, start figuring out why you think you need to stick around in crumb relationships.
Kadijah, guy who’s in prison is literally unavailable for a relationship and certifiable dishonest liar. Rather than spending time and money on shady man, spend some time and money on Nat’s courses and take a break from dating.
You know what you could do, stop calling yourself stupid. You aren’t. Everybody, except a few very lucky folks make bad choices in love and friendship. The piont is to try and learn from it not beat yourself up.
This is a really common issue; many try to jump right into a new rship before healing and self-assessing from the old one. How much time it takes varies widely with one’s attachment to the person and a good many other factors such as the ability to maintain NC with the ex. Some breakups were devastating, the healing /grief process long and drawn out, some gave me a sense of immediate relief. I have been on the receiving end of a rebound and it was not pleasant. The dude did actually admit that’s what it was and actually broke down in tears during a movie. As I’d driven many miles to spend the weekend, I was a tad miffed. This is why we shouldn’t attach to anyone too soon, pay attention, listen.
After reading all of the comments, I feel confused about what to do with my current situation. My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me about 4 months ago. I thought he was the one. Our relationship had every aspect I was looking for but ended due to poor timing because of his hectic schedule and inability to juggle everything in his life without feeling like he was letting me down. I was devastated. I’ve been single for most of my 20s, and am now 30 and know myself very well and know exactly what I want for myself and my life. After a few months of putting myself back together (with the help of antidepressants) I decided to get back online and start talking to new guys. I started talking to this new guy and we’ve now been on 7 dates. We have a great time together. He’s cute, smart, family-oriented, driven, etc. But I do find myself comparing him to my ex. He doesn’t make me laugh the way the ex did. And I’m definitely keeping him at arm’s length until I figure out if I truly like him or if he’s just a nice guy who offers me nice companionship while I continue healing my wound. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of someone being emotionally unavailable and not over their ex, so I do feel extreme guilt. But at the same time, I enjoy his company and there could possibly be potential there if I continue feeling it out. What should I do? This whole thing is tormenting my thoughts and emotions.
Get therapy and fix your obsessive thoughts. or read some good books like cognitive behavioural therapy for dummies.
You’re with a guy you like but can’t loosen up enough of if fear of what might happen.
I apologise for being sarky, but watch a few comedies instead of expecting your present date to entertain you by making you laugh.
Hello Natalie,
i am in a situation where i’ve been married for 27 years, mostly unhappily for the two of us and just in a state of comfort. each of us basically does what they want but supposedly within borders. i found that i have broken thru the barrier of the border, (that is infidelity), and have gone too far to repair the marriage on intimate level..no interest in that. we have his mom living with us now, and hardly no privacy for me. my other so-called relationship has ended as he felt he has no interest in me anymore, but i am so attached, i can’t let go. alot of ruminating and i’ve known myself to be the one that needs someone to make me happy, can’t do it for myself….help!
This topic really resonates with me, as it is very relevant to my current relationship.
Jumping into a new relationship after heartbreak is a very common way that people handle the emotional pain, and if one is on the receiving end of such a premature return to the fray, whether or not we put up with our love interest’s “unfinished business” depends a lot on our level of self-esteem.
Three years ago, I met Mr. X on a dating site. Dumped by his wife of 24 years for another man five years earlier, and more recently madly in love with a co-worker for whom he was only a friend with benefits, Mr. X had quite a bit more emotional baggage than initially met the eye. That became clearer as I developed an attachment, and his own ambivalence and residual feelings for someone else surfaced. Looking back, I realise I should have bailed out when it became clear that he was still in love with that co-worker. But I didn’t, because of my own abandonment issues. When you have no self-esteem, even emotionally abusive relationships seem more desirable than being alone.
As it turned out, he worked out his issues and loves me very deeply now and we have planned our future together. Would it have been a safe bet that things would turn out that way if I was patient enough to wait? No. That possibility was remote in the extreme. I was very very lucky.
The fact is that getting into a new relationship while one is still in love with someone else is emotionally abusive and very unfair to the new partner. The fact is also that we need to enter relationships from a position of strength and be self- protective. Nobody can abuse our emotions without our permission.
I would respectfully disagree with this line, “Nobody can abuse our emotions without our permission.” I agree that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. However, having healthy self-esteem does not give us the ability to control the people around us. I feel that there’s a lot of misconceptions about this issue. People can still be thoughtless, inconsiderate, and cruel even if we think highly of ourselves. I think the difference lies in how we respond and how quickly we remove ourselves from a toxic situation. Nobody chooses to be abused. What I’ve learned from a very wise therapist that I’ve been seeing is that main issue they look for is someone 1.) recognizing the abuse for what it is and 2.) doing something about it, i.e., leaving within a reasonable period of time and time and not spending years languishing in an unhealthy relationship. This is the difference between a healthy self-esteem response to a bad situation and a low or no self-esteem response to the same situation.
You are absolutely correct, and that was what I meant. You said it much better than I did.
I can very much relate to all of this I have recently come out of a abusive “barely there” relationship with a man who was involved with someone and going thru a divorce from soon to be “ex” wife and on top of that a coke addict
There was just so much drama and they blatantly telling me they wanted it “to work” with their current partner,disappearing with no response given to any “contact” by me
Anyway like a “love fool” I lent them some money as they had the same for me previously without wanting it back I did repay it cos am not a user bottom line is I have not heard anything and I was beginning to get mildly depressed so this week I changed my number I pray that they ever turn up at my front door but am truly done now.
I hope i will not be judged feel so stupid for putting up with all of this shit.
P.s I did start recently started speaking to a new guy but my heart and mind is just not in it and after 20 yes of abusive relationships it’s time to properly “love me” and be more at peace with myself instead of relying on a relationship for my own happiness.
I get what you’re saying Natalie — only date when you are over your ex. BUT, what happens if that takes a year? 2 years? So you should let potentially great partners slip by because you are 100% not over something?
I think, at a certain point, if feelings are lingering, you kind of have to accept them. File them away for now with hopes that they fade. You’re supposed to continue your life after a breakup, right? Wouldn’t eventually dating be part of that even if you’re not 100%?
What is the tragedy in not dating for a year or two if that’s what it takes?
If someone was “that great” or “The One” they would also be “The One” in a few months time.
Personally, I am sometimes baffled at the frenzy with which some people persue dating. My last bf was astonished when I told him that prior to meeting him, I hadn’t been involved with anyone for 7 months. For him, that was “a very long time”.
I get it, some people move on faster than others, I’m rather slow with these things. Also, after the initial pain, I tend to get quite excited about all the new possibilites in life without having to factor another party in.
It is probably problematic if you start dating not because you have met an AWESOME person that agrees with you on values and direction of life, but you just feel as if there’s something wrong with you for being single “for so long” and “not getting out there”.
You are already out there and a complete human being without something/someone dangling from your arm. 😉
Ha, thanks, Anne. You are right, on all fronts.
I guess it’s because I’m 29 — looking to get married and have kids (eventually), so I feel the urgency to “get it together.”
But thank you for the reminder. 🙂
Similar situation here.
But still. What kind of example would you live for your children if you were together with someone for a lifestyle arrangement rather than their personal qualities? 😉
Also, it’s entirely possible to have or adopt children without an SO these days. Obviously, a two-parent home would be ideal, but the one does not necessarily follow the other any more.
Anne,
I’m totally with you. I wrote a comment earlier this morning (scroll up) expressing my similar situation. And the thing is, I’ve been single. A LOT. And I love being single. Those years of “fending for myself” are why I am who I am today, and what gained me so much confidence in myself. But dang it! My friends are all married and having babies. I want a partner. And I happened to meet an attractive, nice guy. But my feelings and thoughts about my ex still linger. I feel like if I put my life on hold and go “off the market” until the thoughts/feelings are gone, they never will! What about that old, trusty phase “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”? Haha. But long story short, I agree with you. As long as the you’re open and honest with the person you start seeing about your capacity for serious feelings, I think it’s a healthy step in moving on with your life.
Sorry, that response was for the original poster (L)!
Hi, A. Those old feelings don’t have to be “gone”. They just need to not be in the forefront…blocking your enjoyment of what is happening currently…or propelling you into a “gotta get with a new person to prove I’m over it” relationship.
I have something similar going on. I have been talking to my ex off and on for 3 months.
I broke up with him last July 25 after some issues I had with him and his family (ex-wife, daughter, mother and his exgf). I went no contact for three months to sort out everything and figure out my feelings that led me to break up with him.
He started seeing someone early October. I was still grieving our relationship at that point and was terribly upset when I found out (I found out a few weeks later) because I’d finally reached a point where I wanted to see/speak to him (I knew I wasn’t over him or ready to be with anyone else). So I was crushed. Then come to find out we (me and the new gf) both work at the same place. He and I spoke briefly because I called him the day I found out, but it didn’t go well.
We spoke again on the phone around Thanksgiving (Nov 26) and that was another knock down drag out talk that involved a lot of yelling and screaming and crying. A few weeks later he got a DUI and wrecked his car. I reached out to him then to tell him I hope he was ok.
It was a week later (Dec 19) I finally went out on a date with someone. But that was brief and didn’t last a month. I went on dates with a couple more guys between then and February but nothing ever became of it.
My ex would text me off an on but we never spoke on the phone. And the texting would just get me upset anyway. (I hate how some random message can just pop up on your phone and just leave you so upset.)
Then one day after he and I had texted that morning, I went to the cafeteria at work to get lunch and for the first time saw his girlfriend who was in line right beside me. I was so uncomfortable and my anxiety was through the roof. She is overweight and I honestly thought she was pregant. When I got back to my desk I texted him asking if she was pregnant. When I didn’t get a reply 8 hours later, I sent a text saying I guess it’s true and I can’t believe he’d been texting me and I was blocking his number (something I’d done off and on anyway but this time was for good).
So on January 25 (it’s weird things always happened on the 25th), I blocked his number because I thought this girlfriend was pregnant and I knew at that point there was never going to be a reconciliation.
Fast forward 2 months to Easter Sunday, I’m still no contact with him. His number is still blocked and I’m finally ok and I had accepted the end of our relationship. I meet him on the road on my way to pick something up for my daughter. (I spent the day with the guy I went on my first date with post breakup) Later that night, after the guy left my house, I get an email from him about how much he misses me and will we ever be able to get back together. He still has the same girlfriend at this point. I sent several replies because I was so pissed off that he’d actually say something about getting back together when he is still with someone else and asked him if she knows that their relationship depended on what I said to him about that. Anyway there were some very harsh emails to him. And then on April 1 (ironically April’s fool day) he sent one saying he hadn’t been with anyone since he got his DUI. So then I was torn and confused and actually considered seeing him. Then I find out a week later he’s still with that girl and he can’t break up with her until he goes to court because she knows the deputy and the truth about what happened that night. I called him and when the coward finally answered, I went off on him for lying to me (he denies sending the email and I had deleted everything out of anger).
Two weeks later I go to see him at his house. My brain hadn’t rested from the conversations previously. He had gone to the week before and got off for the DUI. I think he texted me that week to tell me in case I wanted to know.
After I saw him that Friday, he broke up with her the next day and we spent that weekend together (not happily by any means, just meaning we saw each other that weekend). I told him then I didn’t want to get back together.
It’s been off and on ever since. I get angry very easily when it comes to him. I assume the worse. I just can’t get over him with someone else for 8 months and so soon after we broke up. Not to mention we work at the same place. Not to mention she put pictures of them up on facebook and he started a facebook after we broke up but took it down when we started talking again.
It’s obviously very toxic between us. I feel like I was only using him in the first place because I had no one else to spend time with and he was there. So he was better than being alone. I’d giving up on dating because no one asks me out because I’m not putting myself out there because I don’t really have any friends to go out with. So I feel hopeless anyway.
As of this morning, we are off again. I saw his (ex)girlfriend in the cafeteria and texted him not to call or text me anymore.
I feel like such a fool and insecure and jealous. I don’t know how to cope or move on or get over it, whatever *it* is at the moment. I don’t want to use him. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I’m sorry it’s so long. I just needed to sort it out and haven’t told anyone about it. I really just feel like crying today.
You text someone not to text you…?
Yes, it’s a lot of drama. But it takes two to tango and you keep participating in the dance.
Just leave the floor already. 😉
I know Anne. You’re exactly right! I see how silly it all is as I wrote it all out.
“…have you tried to see how things unfold when you knew your heart wasn’t in it or that you weren’t over your ex yet?”
Well…yes. He initiated it, snapping me up within a countable number of minutes of me posting the “sayonara!” photo on FB of dropping off my ex at LAX to fly back to Japan, but I went into it with my eyes open, and it has been one hell of a learning experience.
That said, I DID do the right thing and broke up with him last fall, clearly explaining that it was for his sake as much as my own, as I was not in any condition to be in a relationship and that was not my priority, as I was fully occupied with navigating through my divorce and the ensuing cleanup and disaster recovery effort, but he reeled me back in a few weeks later and I have just let it ride ever since based on a conversation we had on that occasion. We’ve had a couple other productive conversations since then and I am reasonably convinced that we are on the same page as far as expectations go. He hasn’t done anything particularly breakup-worthy since then, but I know the relationship is unsustainable, at least on my end.
Perhaps I am mischaracterising it as a “Relationship”, given our agreement that “this is totally casual!”. At any rate, whatever we want to call it, this relationship (small “r”) has given me a good opportunity to get clear about what I am willing to walk away from; and another benefit is that as I recognize various core values disconnects with this man, I am getting much more clear about my own core values and who I am, and what resonates with me and what does not.
To be clear, we live in different cities, and I see him when it’s convenient for me, which ends up being about 1x/month. To further clarify matters, I am a rather extreme introvert, if not an outright hermit, and as such am very comfortable being alone and have been so for practically my entire life except for the 17-year marriage I just ended. In fact, since the split with my ex, I have finally acknowledged the awful truth that I PREFER being alone, and am rapidly approaching the conclusion that male humans are vastly more work than they’re worth!
P.S. On our most recent date last weekend after about a 2-month hiatus and coincidentally I also attempted to connect with my (adoptive) father on Father’s day, I figured out one way that this relationship is pinging me about an unresolved issue in my past: after another of a recurring series of arguments with the guy I am dating, I realized that he is consistently communicating to me that he does not like who I am, and keeps trying to recast me in his own image, which of course I dig in my heels and resist. My father just tried to end the phone conversation as quickly as he could, which communicated to me that he doesn’t like who I am and just doesn’t want to engage with me. Bingo…. (with the caveat that he has become hard of hearing in his advanced age and perhaps just finds talking on the phone to be a losing battle?)
Conversely, I also reached out to my step-dad that same weekend (the husband of my biological mother that we just completely unexpectedly lost to pancreatic cancer a couple months ago who is similarly hard of hearing), but he was perfectly happy to hear from me and we had a lovely chat. I should add that in the context of how isolated I was in the abusive marriage compounded by my natural predilection to keep to myself, I am striving to get better at maintaining connections with the people I care about.
Hello friends online… in a nutshell, this
is a testimoney.. well, It all started
some years back when he started behaving in
a cold way towards me… it didn’t happen
all at ones, but he eventually started
sleeping out. i began to nag at him on
whatever he does which push him further
away. the days of which he sleeps out began
to get worse. i became frustrated and drove
him out. the worst part of it all was that
he never argues and that ate me up. i
waited for him to come home by himself but
he never did for months. i went to his
office to meet with him with our son, he
smiled with us, talked and that was all.
then i knew that i had lost the love of my
life! i cried for days, couldn’t go to work
nor do anything meaningful with mt life. a
year passed and i was not still over him,
he only contributed to our child’s upkeep.
i eventually gave up on his return, not
until i came accross HIGH PRIEST KWAMME, A
Ghanian, who turned my tears of sorrow to
tears of joy. it took just three days to
get my hubby back. He came back on his own
and pleaded – weeping for me to accept him
back home and that he wants to make up for
all our lost times… (sighs) that was a
memory never for i to forget!. well!
friends online, i got my hubby back with no
stress! I PROMISED TO TESTIFY which i am
presntly doing. IF YOU ARE UNDERGOING A
SIMILAR CASE OR ANY CASE AT ALL THAT YOU
DESIRE FOR- TRUST ME YOU NEED NOT SEARCH
FURTHER! HIGH PRIEST KWAMME IS IT!!
why not try him out on his account >
IRREVOCABLEOUTCOMES @ GMAIL . COM. well
good luck y’all!!
Hi Natalie,
I keep thinking, I’ll just go out with someone else. That’ll hurt and he’ll realise he did the wrong thing to me. But I guess deep down I know it’ll only hurt me.
My best friend and love of my life left me. After a house move and 3 years of a great relationship and home together, he suddenly said he doesn’t feel the same anymore and he may have always had feelings for his colleague who was now newly single and 10 years younger. So I wasn’t the one. I was totally shocked because I thought he was going to propose soon!
We’re still friends. He moved to live on the next street to me. I miss him and he misses me. I truly love him and we were a family together. I care about him deeply and he’s still always there for me when I need him for anything. And I’m there for him.
It’s so confusing. I just don’t know what happened. I’m heart broken and never even imagined being with someone else.
I get so upset when I think he’s off to meet other women or flirt around. It feels like he’s betraying me, even though we have broken up. It’s just that he still stays in touch, we talk about the things that only we share and we see each other every couple of weeks. I’m not waiting around, I do my own thing and I’m enjoying so many new activities and focusing on me.
But I wish I could just let go and not feel so anxious and mistrusting. I don’t want to feel like I don’t trust him. But as soon as I see anything related to a woman I’ve not heard of, my mind immediately over thinks it.