I used to be a runner, literally and emotionally. I can still get my sprint on (I’m known as ‘Robocop’ by a bunch of teens that I chased down the street until they gave up due to my speed) but I don’t run from feelings anymore. I used to bounce from relationship to relationship (or date to date) because, well, I didn’t really know how to be on my own. OK, and I couldn’t cope with being flooded by The Feelings that were becoming increasingly difficult to bury and run from. I had always been of the mind that burying and running was best because after a few months and while safely ensconced in a new relationship with a new fella, I would be able to revisit whatever I’d run from and I wouldn’t be bothered anymore.
Of course like many a person before and after me discovers, there’s only so far you can run and if you never process and grieve your relationships, it all eventually catches up with you in what can feel like an emotional volcanic eruption. While sometimes it’s something big that sets it off, what happens more often than not is that something that seems theoretically smaller than other past pains, reopens old wounds. You end up ruminating and obsessing. You end up feeling stuck.
In this week’s Advice Wednesday, Victoria is experiencing a lot of discomfort in her relatively new relationship and she doesn’t know whether it’s because she’s unavailable and not over her ex (more like exes including one that she’s still working on not obsessing over, or whether she should just see how things unfold.
The handy thing about having an emotional airbag is for a time, you’re protected from having to face the feelings you don’t want to feel or face the things that you don’t want to see, but those feelings and truths don’t disappear and they make themselves known in our emotional, mental and physical health as well as how we’re showing up. We mustn’t ignore discomfort and we most definitely need to pay attention to our inner voice not the ego-led one that encourages us to ignore our truth and what we need to do. We also need to ensure that we don’t, even if it’s inadvertently, use people as a means to an end.
We need to get into relationships because we’re happy not as a means to become happy.
If we’re not empowered when we’re single or having to think and choose for ourselves, we’re not empowered in our relationships.
When we don’t know ourselves, we don’t know our decisions and choices and we don’t know our relationships.
How would you advise Victoria? Have you been involved with someone who isn’t over their ex or have you tried to see how things unfold when you knew your heart wasn’t in it or that you weren’t over your ex yet?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book at a clarity session or coaching.