Why should my column on Baggage Reclaim be any different than my blog? I’m addicted to leaving cliffhangers. I will get to the final part of ‘How NYM Discovered Great Sex’ but I must first address a sickening epidemic among single women. Because I just cannot tolerate listening to one more woman tell me how lonely and empty she feels because she doesn’t have a man in her life. For God’s sake, women, wake-up and get your shit together!!
A couple of weeks ago, an acquaintance told me that she needed some advice about how to deal with a situation involving a man. Apparently she was interested in a friend of friends who she encountered quite frequently in social situations. He’d never made a move to speak to her and she wanted to know what she should do. I told her to get some balls and take the matter into her own hands and that she should try saying “hello” and starting a conversation. She told me that she didn’t think she could do it, afraid of scaring him away, and was feeling so lonely that she didn’t want to blow any possible chance she may have with this man.
This kind of thing just exasperates and nauseates me and I have absolutely no patience for it. What followed was a lecture from me. I’m going to repeat this in abbreviated form for any women out there who still think like this.
Loneliness is a state of mind. We are lonely only if we choose to be lonely. It is a state of perpetual victimhood. It’s a state of mind in which a person believes that he or she will be happy and complete and fulfilled by another person. There is no more wrong or dangerous belief to have. A person who is dependent upon things outside of themself to be happy, whether those things are people or possessions, will always be rewarded with disappointment. The number one rule of human interaction is that you cannot control what other people do. You can only control what you do. This mindset will throw you in a perpetual state of frenzy and anxiety because you will constantly have expectations of other people, namely your significant other, because your security and happiness depends on what they do.
Women, YOU must complete and fulfill yourself. The only person for whom you can set expectations is yourself. The only person who you can control is yourself.
We must work on ourselves. We must occupy ourselves with becoming the best that we can be. We must immerse ourselves in activities and endeavors that make us happy. We must groom our natural talents. We must get lives beyond those that we create in our minds of some Donna Reed homelife.
Jennifer Bawden wrote a book a few years back called, ‘Get a Life Then Get a Man.’ It discusses the same thing I’m talking about here, that you need to create a fulfilling and happy life for yourself which includes fostering healthy self-esteem. However, like so many books, it’s still just a tactic to help women end up with a man.
Can we look beyond this, women? Is the end all and be all of life having a relationship with a man? I’m hoping that one day careers and hobbies and self-growth will be primary life motivations instead of being just a way to catch a man.
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What’s really wrong with your friend? I mean really?
Maybe I can counsel her, some evening?
I don’t understand this vibe in cetain friends of mine. As a woman, yes it would be nice to have a wonderful significant other who loves me and whom I love, and be together forever. BUT I can’t sit around and wait for that to happen in order to be happy. The world is out there and we are in it. We are meant to enjoy as much as we can and to notice the wonderful things that are already in our lives. My whole existence can’t revolve around nabbing a guy.
Thanks for the great post.
Are you sure, darling?
I love this site and check it out every day. Most of the time things said are spot on. But today I’m a little disturbed by the vitriol spewed in the direction of other women.
For a start despite the grammer they use women often don’t have a man in their life BECAUSE they’re lonely and empty for a plethora of reasons, historical, medical or other which they probably concider none of your business.
Then you could try taking a leaf out of your own book and understand that you can’t control others only yourself then maybe you can avoid a ”perpetual state of frenzy and anxiety because you will constantly have expectations of other people”
Do you not suspect this site and the one or two blogs on men and dating that many of the writers here have is contributing to the anxiety and preocupation with the perfect relationship?
Although of course you’re very happy in your wonderful relationship but you and the two commentees above sound like you’re trying to convince yourself more than any one else.
I can only guess that a majority of the people who visit this site are women so don’t you think it would be prudent to lay off the sister-bashing and re-aim it at the Unavailaible arseholes. We all
suffer from heartache and loneliness at some time or another and I suspect your ire at this issue stems from the fact that somebody was appealing to your sense simpathy of and perhaps empthy and that would deflect the attention away from the centre of yourself.
Yes I’m sure, Darling. I’m not “sister-bashing” at all. I want women to feel empowered and to understand that they are the only ones who can be responsible for how they feel. That’s all. And incidentally, the woman to whom I gave this lecturette thought I gave her great advice.
By the way, I am not sure what in this column led you to believe that I am currently in a relationship. But I am not.
ghoti sounds like a real windbag,(I mean dirtbag, or scumbag. You decide.), who gets all puffed up with his/her own egotistical bullshit and then spews a bunch of incoherant babble at the rest of us.
ghoti says…”Although of course you’re very happy in your wonderful relationship but you and the two commentees above sound like you’re trying to convince yourself more than any one else.”
badger says…”ghoti should return to grade school and get his/her diploma, for the purpose of proper grammar, and the use of punctuation, in future, windbag rantings.
Don’t you love commenters who feel the need to dress you down, but yet are remiss about checking their spelling, grammar and tenses? It always make me laugh.
The point about “get a life, then get a man” cannot be emphasized enough. To me, a man should ADD to your life, not COMPLETE it. The difference between those two things is light years.
Great column, as usual.
Badgerbob – Hilarious. Next time I get a woman asking for advice, I’ll send her to your place.
Carmen – Sing it! Exhale, embrace and enjoy. You have the right attitude.
Ghoti – I think the essence of the post is that we need to love ourselves and be complete instead of relying on external forces to make us happy. NYM’s style may be more blunt and straight to the point, but that’s her brand of conversating and the message is still the same.
I don’t believe in the perfect relaitonship and I’m the person that owns this site. I think the quest for perfection is messing us up as much as our inability to recognise when a guy isn’t worth our time.
Like you said, you enjoy the site and most of what is written is spot on. This is one post that you disagree with and that’s OK. It’s good to get feedback and I hope you visit again.
NYM – Hehe. That’s the first time I ever heard someone say that you were in a relationship 😉 It could be a sign of things to come!
Amused – Well aside from the grammar…I thought your line about ‘light years’ was classic! Thank you!
Ooh, I just noticed your comment Badgerbob. Be nice! 🙂
OOps! Sorry NML! I like NYM, and didn’t like what seemed to be a condescending comment. My most humble apologies.
I hear ya! I love that girl too – she’s my sister from another mother. I just don’t want a war to start in the comments. I know you’re one of NYM’s biggest supporters and to be honest, it was quite tongue in cheek like a teacher…with a whip x
LOL!! Clearly this post and comments were hllarious and kinda sad simultaneously. I agree that as single women our focus should be improving ourselves and living fulfilling lives, and I hate that so many things are geared to the “how to get the love you deserve” trend.
But, let’s also be real. Most single women, whether happy and satisfied or not, expect romance sometime in their future. Our society thrives on it. What we need to do is live our lives and enjoy them without feeling as though we’re lacking something fundamental. We may get a man, we may not….
Like NYM said “Get a Life!”
Its funny I totally agree with the sentiments in the column but have also come to the conclusion that what is great for me ie happy with myself, (than I have ever been in a reltaionship), stronger, more adventurous, more of everything is because I (me personally) work better single, but on the flip side others work better within a relationship and are all of the above because of it. I think because we are led from birth that couples work best, so many of us miss the point and from it the deep fulfilment from being ‘one’ because we don’t think its ‘normal’. I almost feel like I’ve come out of the closet, like I’ve been pretending to be one of a double when really I was born a whole single! Ha!
Ghoti, Darling: FYI I am in a nice relationship but I don’t feel that it defines me as a woman. My point was that we women should value ourselves, our girlfriends, our boyfriends, and ENJOY life, no matter what it flings our way.
I don’t understand how you would think that is negative or “sister-bashing.” I adore my sisters. Have a Great Day!
Well, I have got over the worst of the stigma of dyslexia a while ago so as long as you get the gist of what I’m saying then I will save my copious dictionary searches for my academic obligations, if that’s alright with you.
NYM- I have absolutely no problem with the subject of the article. Who wouldn’t whole heartedly agree with the sentiment? I do not know one single woman who does not strive to get the best out of herself and life with or with out a man. And I’m absolutely sure that your friend fully appreciated your sound advice. I would have told her exactly the same thing. It was the tone of, almost tangible, rancour towards your friend and her ilk which reverberated from your lack of patience and nausea that rankled and seemed beyond either bluntness or the point. However, I understand that that is your brand of ‘conversating’ just as this is mine and who would want either to change?
Don’t you feel great when someone finds an article you write so emotive they just have to pipe up and respond, even if it is to the contrary? Personally, I love it when articles stimulate enough to warrant a substantial reply, most don’t. Appreciation is not diminished by polemic.
My mistake ‘bout you being in a relationship, but it makes no odds, I’m assured.
And it’s great to know that everybody here has got a life!
badgerbob: that was very deep, but I’ll let it ride. I’m sure you’ll make a great counsellor.
This is good advice. The only thing I have to comment on is the desire to catch a man. Not that I’ve actively sought that out per say, but I want a man for sex. And I don’t do casual. So I have to get my shit together so I can have touch and sex. I feel like I’ve already wasted too much of my life and years and wish I could do it over. I feel a lot of grief….I want to go back and be that happy, fun, trusting, relaxed, positive girl that has positive love and men experiences. That just wasn’t bleeping the case…too much freaking drama in my family and I’m angry that I have to work so hard. But I have needs. And it is hard to not get to express or explore more safely my sexuality and that cannot be done as a single. So, yeah, ultimately, I want a lover. And so being single for too long won’t help that.