Just a quick note to say happy New Year – the full post is by video today! Thank you for taking the time to read Baggage Reclaim and helping to make it bigger and better. I’m incredibly grateful to not only be sharing my journey with you but to be sharing in so many of your own journeys. I’m very lucky to have an amazing community of people that make me laugh, cry, forgive, be compassionate, think, thrive, strive, inspire, and sometimes snort tea up my nose
Whatever you’re up to today (make sure it doesn’t involve waiting around or giving yourself a hard time – and that’s not just for today but for every day), do it with love, self-love at the heart of it. Spend it with people you give it a damn about, even if that ‘people’ is you.
I’ll be back in a couple of days – I’m off to have a karaoke evening in our living room. Saria, my 4 year old does a tear jerking rendition of the chorus from Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ which does make me think of quite a few BR readers!
Love and hugs
Nat xxx
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Natalie, You are beautiful in and out…thank you for all you do…Have a lovely time and we’ll see you next year…corny, I know, heeheeheee…Cheers! I love seeing and hearing you in addition to the writing…you are very photogenic…your smile lights up so brightly…thanks for the great gift of yourself to all of us. We love you.
May we all shine on…Happy 2012
Thank you, Natalie. Today has been a very emotional, reflective day for me. I’m just being, feeling, and cleaning, a cleansing of the home and the soul, if you will. Its as if I’m “cleaning up” literally, and figuratively, and making room for the NEW. (Reminds me of the book “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. Read it years ago and just recently really “got” it.) Looking forward to the new year, to new experiences, and a moving forward.
I bet that baby girl is PRECIOUS singing her little heart out! Happy New Year’s Nat and EVERYONE!!
One more thing before I go out the door..
Lo J – When I was going though all my hurt and pain a few months ago my sister suggested I read “In The Meantime” I read the book but rushed through it because I was feeling so depressed and couldn’t concentrate. However, a few weeks ago I picked it up and read it again, but this time I absorbed and understood it! Ladies along with Natalie’s book it is a good read, I suggest you all read it! Happy New Year xxx
Great insight and advice. Thank you for these articles. They are a saving grace at times! All the best to you.
Thank you Natalie, for saving me from so much pain…Im looking forward to 2012..HAPPY NEW YEAR!
CAT NILSON
Vancouver, BC Canada
You have been such a blessing to me in 2011. Thank you!
Thanks Natalie!
Hearing what you said made me feel a whole lot better! I’m getting ready to go out and party with my family and have a good time. I must confess after 11 weeks of NC I was considering sending a text a midnight to say “Happy New Year” to the EUM, I won’t bother now, I’ve come too far. Thanks for the added strength. Look forward to the new posts in the New Year, have a great evening. xxxx
Good for you Stephanie, 11 weeks! Don’t blow it now! Never surrender! 😀 Go have some fun…
Stephanie…step away from the cell phone, ha ha! You’ll be so happy tomorrow that you got through it without texting.
Happy New Year and thank you so much Natalie! so grateful for this site, it’s just the greatest. yes, will continue to strive! thx for helping me survive a difficult year (and half). don’t know where I’d be without Baggage Reclaim!
Thank you Natalie, your blog got me through 2011 and through a ‘not right for me’ relationship. I am happy to say I am in a new relationship that feels ‘right for me’ and I am excited about moving into 2012. Happy New Year and all the best in 2012!
Aw, you look freakin beautiful and happy. Much joy and love for 2012!
One thing I found this past year was your website — it was literally a life altering discovery, that will follow me through all the years ahead!! You are awesome in what you do & I love reading your articles – they give me the strength & remind me what I should & shouldn’t do. You have been such an inspiration & have helped me to open my eyes, to be a better ME!!!
Happy New Year……And
THANK YOU!!!
Natalie,
Thank you so much for everything. You have helped me and everyone of us here in so many ways. I have learned so much from you even if I stumble along the way. Hope you have a fantastic time. See you in 2012!
I too thank Natalie for all her help and especially for not bull shitting me. But like you, Colororange, I’m sure I’ll stumble also from time to time.
Happy New Year to all the BR community.
ha! Tulipa, maybe we need some kneepads and a helmet 😉
Happy New Year Natalie and all BR wonderful ladies. Thank you. I am not sure where I would be without you. 4 months AC NC. Ramona xxxxxoooo
I’m finding today so difficult… pent up feelings of anxiety, regret, meloncoly.. Its the regrets that keep refreshing the pain i thought i had overcome and already healed from… Regrets can surface from years ago. The regret renews the pain again and again… its like an physical orb of pain in my heart right now. 2011 has been so difficult. I experienced divorce from a man i loved and was drawn into the arms of a man uncapable of love which resulted in an unexpected pregnancy… quite a mix of emotion.
Your outlook and wisdom is truely inspirational Natalie. Your words echo in my mind at my lowest points and tonight your words brought tears to my eyes and have helped me refocus and push forward into another year. My two beautiful baby daughters are sleeping, their futures are my hope right now. May 2012 be a new year of healing, positivity and learning to let go of regrets…
Happy new year to all, and much appreciation for your help Natalie x
Nat,
I remember the exact moment I found your website nearly a year ago today. I had hit rock bottom and had made it a habit of crying myself to sleep every night. I was severely depressed, and the therapist I was seeing wasn’t getting it. I felt alone, and I was seriously close to just ending it all.
I was so lucky that night I stumbled across your site through a simple google search with key words basically describing a Mr. Unavailable. I made your website a part of my daily routine – like homework, I dedicated an hour or two a night to just read your entries and absorb all the comments from others. I felt like I wasn’t alone, and I felt like I finally found someone who got it.
What a treasure you are. You helped turned my life a full 180 degrees, as I’m sure you did to so many other women on this website. I truly and sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me become a wiser, stronger and more confident person, and for helping me learn so much about myself and relationships.
I haven’t been to your website in a while, which is actually good news because as of a few months ago I started to feel like I’ve finally fully absorbed the lessons from your site. But I wanted to come back to wish you a very happy new year. May 2012 bring happiness, joy and peace to you and your readers.
xo Teatime
Natalie, your wise words have kept me afloat in choppy seas! I love your blogs and books. Thanks for opening my eyes to the unhealthy beliefs & patterns that have detracted from me & kept me stuck. We are all better for having “known” you.
Blessings in the New Year to you and your family!
Thank you Natalie…you truly are an amazing person! You always seem to have just the right things to say right when I need to hear them most.
It’s been a very emotional day for me, an emotional year actually, but today is a day of reflection on the past year and looking on to 2012 and all the changes yet to come in my life. You keep me grounded and focused, and you help give me the confidence I need in myself…for that I am very grateful, so thank you once again!
Lots of love to you and your family and well wishes for the year to come…Happy New Year!
Nat and BR Ladies, thank you so much for the love, support and advice you’ve shown and given. I never in a million years thought I’d be sharing my most, “Oh GIRL.” moments with people I’d never met before, but I’m so glad I did. Thanks to all of you, I’m determined to make 2012 the start of a whole new era. Tonight, I’m going to strap on my dancing shoes and forgive the past! Thank you, thank you again and may you all have a wonderful and very Happy New Year!!
Love,
Natasha
xoxoxox
{{ps Just wanna say to anyone who is staying in this evening, I’ll be here reading the posts & everyone’s, re-watching the video, to get more encouragement for 2012! I think it’s a very positive way to spend the holiday. My plans were ruined b/c of girlfriend drama — another challenging area for boundaries, trust, care, respect etc. But this time, I reached my limit. Instead of subjecting myself to an evening of anxiety, feeling rejection, suppressed hurt, resentment, anger — I’ve opted to have a little party with my kitty cats. I think it’s a *smashing* idea!
don’t mean to go on about the issue, I hope everyone has a wonderful time tonight! I guess once you get started on a better path of taking care of yourself, stop second guessing your real feelings, thinking you can fix other people’s problems & behavior, many of your relationships could change. will be writing about the friendships, I’m sure — really nothing left to say about exEUM!}}
I stayed home with my best pal as well, the greatest cat in the world 🙂
I found your site four months ago (i can’t believe it’s been that long). I have read every post you’ve written since and most of the comments. I have learned so much from all of you, laughed and at times, my heart has ached reading what some people here have been through. May we all strive for better in 2012 and beyond. Happy New Year to each and every one of you.
Natalie, you’re a peach! thank you so much for all that you do! Happy and Healthy New Year to you and your family! One of your faithful readers – Susan
Hi Nat,
Thank you for the years of support, growth, friendship and tools. Its been so helpful and important to me.
The 31 st for me was marked with bumping into my x for the 1st time out on the street since he left my place of work. He was with a girl, they were both on one side of the lights waiting to cross and i was on the other. Some interesting things happend. The first was that it didnt really bother me, in fact i was confused, “is that really him”. I was confused because of the lack of response from myself, im so used to feeling a panic and distress about him and he didnt look like someone id date, in fact he didnt look good at all. Im not talking about just physical im not that shallow but since i know him now, i also have his whole personality to go by. The package looked wrong. Out of place for me.
As we crossed past each other I was polite and smiled. He just looked awkward which is typical of him.
As the evening went on though i started to feel off, when i went to bed i felt panicky, my tummy churned and i had nightmares that he moved in across the street and kept staring at me. Im not suprised to know that my x would be dating, i mean its been 2 years since we broke up and i always new he would date first. So ive been expecting it. So im not sure why i feel off, is it that sinking feeling of “why does the bad guy get to move on while your alone NYE”? not sure. But what i do know is that while ive made some tremendous growth ive also kept myself stuck and not moved on completly. What i took away from your video Nat is to not be afraid of life, to see the good in things again, to not be afraid to make a mistake and to not be so caught in the past that i miss my future anymore 🙂 Also to listen to my very best friend who knows with all confidence, past experiences and has been through every event with me. That is he is still the same guy with the same issues, just like every other ex was when you went back to them. I would be in the same miserable relationship all over again. I say good luck to the new girl, she will need it.
By the way that best friend and wise person is me 😉
Happy 2012 guys 🙂
Wonderful video and fabulous message Natalie. You are radiant and simply gorgeous from the inside and it shows on the outside. I cannot imagine where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for you and the amazing BR community you have created. I am so grateful for all of you. Enjoy the time with your daughters and your family and sing your heart out.
Thanks for the reminder that I am human along with everyone else. Based on the number of mistakes I have made, I must be really human! It’s nice to not to have to be perfect.
Thank you so much.
Natalie, you are beautiful! Thank you for everything. My 2011 started out bad but it is ending on a wonderful note. I had the worst eum/ac relationship this year that I have ever had. Through BR I found out that I am a fallback girl, that my want of instant gratification is doing me in and that I am not responsible for someone else’s crappy behavior. Even though I went thru therapy for this, it was never so clear til I read this site. The last two New Years Eve I was with an AC/two different ones and was having no fun. But I’m starting off 2012 single, with a wonderful new job, more money, a thinner body and I am happier than I have been in a long time. I just want you ladies to know that my friend and I were both with eu’s ac’s last year, but this year we are single, happy and we are going to celebrate tonite, my new job and her new luxury car she bought 5 hours ago. Happy New Year everybody!!!! I will say a cheer and a prayer for all of you tonite.
Thank you, Natalie! I will join the rest in thanking you for your courage, honesty, and willingness to share what you’ve learned with all of us.
Your website has helped me along the arduous path of identifying a EUM, knowing he was a EUM but choosing denial, heartbreak, NC, more heartbreak…and finally I feel I am coming out the other end!
Your wisdom is applicable to so many areas of life, not just dating & relationships. Anyway, I hope that’s not too much praise…Happy 2012 to Natalie and all the baggagereclaim readers. “Keep choosing you”!
Happy New Year Nat and Ladies…
I want to firstly say thank you for all the lessons I have learnt here..I am striving to be a better person day by day…
If not for this site,I dont know where I would be at this Moment…
You are all an inspiration to me…
Brenda
Thank you Natalie for this video and for all your advice this year. Just like many of the other ladies here, I don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for this blog. It truly has been a saving grace. I have been single on NYE for a few years now and I always feel terrible anxiety about not having someone to kiss at midnight. I started to feel that way a few hours ago and after watching this video I just felt much better.
I am not going to reach out to an ex and do something out of desperation of being along. Its just another day after all.
Thank you again! I wish you and your family a wonderful evening and a fantastic 2012! A wonderful 2012 for all of us!!!
*************HAPPY NEW YEAR NAT************
I am a widow and usually go out and about NYE but i have a terrible cold and as soon as 2012 arrives i am off to my bed!
|I wish you everything you wish for yourself and more, i have been helped on numerous occasions by your no-nonsense advice and i log on whenever you write something new! Your advice was expecially welcomed when i broke up with the Narcissist i had been with for 3 years, i know i am over this man now and looking forward to the future.
(((((((love n hugs nat) night xx
Happy new year Nat and all the beautiful people here, hope you all have a fantastic evening xxxx
Another big thanks to Natalie and all of the amazing and wise BR readers. Here’s to choosing ourselves in 2012!
Cheers!
Happy New Year everyone. Thank you Nat and everyone here for not only helping me heal on so many levels but for sharing the rule book for healthy relationships, most importantly the one with myself. You have a wonderful gift that so many are grateful for. Found a new anthem instead of Adele, ’cause she is so not getting it. I don’t want “somebody like you” instead it should be “somebody I used to know” by Goyte. Heres the link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
Looking forward to a bright and happy 2012.
I love this song: just when I’m starting to feel sorry for the guy, in comes the girl and hits him right between the eyes with the line about ‘all the times you screwed me over’! Very refreshing.
Happy New Year Natalie. Thank you so much for your daily emails around the holidays last year regarding no contact that got me through this year with out the x ass clown involved in anyway what so ever.
Wow, how great it is to look myself in the mirror and hold my head high that I no longer survive on the scraps from another persons life. You taught me how to be the main course : )
I suppose I will always think of you from here on out at the holidays because your blog truly changed my way of thinking about the quality of living and it was this time of year that I was digging in all of your archives reading and reading and reading.
Thank you, I hope you have a glorious new year with your family. I suspect your forum, blog and style is going to take you places you never imagined. You are special and one of a kind. xx
Happy 2012!Cheers!
Natalie, & All You Dears:
Thank You! and Happy New Year!
This morning I had a massage and got rid of pain & sorrow & stuff from 2011. My aim was to release it from me totally, and when I left the spa I felt so much better. Had a fun day resting, and tonite having a quiet dinner with a friend.
I’m grateful for all the lessons I have learned in 2011 & am confident 2012, for me, will be better especially in my relationships. I have learned so much here from ALL of YOU!!!!!!!!!! And I look forward to learning even more, right here on Baggage Reclaim. PS: Shared this site with six more women…
It is really awesome to finally see you & hear your voice! You have been a lighthouse in the stormy sea of my life & I am so grateful.
I wish you success & happiness in 2012!
Love, Summer
Friends, you have meant more to me on my journey of relationship health then you will ever know. I had almost forgotten, last new years eve with the eu…a fabulous dinner, movie and wine at the top of the mountain…to receive an email the following day about not wanting us to be fwb. That was the first wtf planet are you on moments of 2011…following with cheating, hot like a heater and cold like a freezer…he did end up loaning me money for my business, to keep a foothold in my life of course. So he is not ALL bad, but he is bad enough to stay away from. 3 weeks ago we went to dinner for his birthday as friends…I enjoyed my time but at that moment I realized I could not have him in my life as a friend because saying yes to that was saying no to me! As a sidebar I felt NO attraction. I came home and cried! Wrote him monlthy checks for the loan and checked out. Incidentally the next night I met a guy who is sweet kind and available…after a few weeks who knows…but I am no longer a Florence, I am a diva. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Natalie and everyone,
Thank you all and Happy New Year.
The BR website and reader’s comments have been amazing and I have learnt so much. All the best for 2012 !
X
Happy New Year Nat and to all the ladies here at BR. As I sit here watching Dick Clark’s Rockin New Years Eve in America I’m grateful for your friendships and the insights you’ve all shared with me this past year. Its truly been a blessing and I look forward to what we all share with each other this coming year.
I wish all of you health, happiness and good fortune.
Hi Natalie,
Thank you for never giving up on us. For continually reminding us that we deserve so much
more than just good enough. Every time you update your page, it gives us hope and it brings us back to life. In a way where, whenever we feel like we are losing ourselves and we are about to go back to that same pattern, you revive us and give us the strength to keep going.
I’ve only been reading your blogs for two months now.
I was googling about my failed relationship looking for an answer online. Then the moment I clicked on your page, it spoke to me. It was crystal clear. The answer was right infront of my face. Since then I have been coming back because I need to be reminded of who I am and find myself.
I know no matter how much you try to write and speak to us, we will sometimes fail, ignore what you say, go with our own gut and continue on feeling hurt and follow the road to unavailable people and douche bags.
That’s what happens.
But we try.
We try because no matter how much we fail you still keep writing and writing and it shows how much you care and your dedication.
I appreciate everything you do to help us.
You make a difference in this world and I hope you will continue to bring us hope.
Happy New Year !!
Natalie, so nice to hear your voice and see your face along with your words. I can hear you saying “the only one who can be you is YOU” now, in my head. You’re a beauty and an inspiration! Thanks for being such a great role model and for all the work you do.
To all the ladies and gents – happy new year and may 2012 bring you lots of love, growth and happiness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
Thank-you Nat for the video message, think I’ll know that word for word by the end of the month! You are so right about not regretting mistakes made, believe me I’ve made quite a few this past year, but I will learn and move forward this year…..I have many challenges ahead of me, keeping to NC is only one of them, but with your continued wisdom and voice of reason and all the wonderful supporters on this site, I will get there.
Best wishes to you all xx
Natalie, Grace and everyone on here,
finding this blog has been the best thing that happened to me last year. It`s my foundation for turning my life around. I thought at first it was about getting over my ex EUM, but it is so much more. Natalie, you are a gorgeous person, you beam great things !!! Thank you and Happy New Year to you and your family and everybody here 🙂
Natalie:
It was truly wonderful to see your beautiful face and actually hear your voice. BaggageReclaim has become a part of my life and, thanks to you, and all the wonderful women (and men) who share their stories here, I realized I wasn’t alone in what I was experiencing and, finally, saw the light after being in darkness for so long.
Happy New Year Everybody!
Much Love xxx <3
Happy new year to all. Nat you literally saved my life this year. I’d been used and abused by an AC for 11 years and your site forced me to snap out of denial and face the truth of what he is and what he did to me. Thanks to you I’m on day 24 nc and got through Xmas and new year without giving in. I have a long way to go and I look forward to your emails but I would like to thank you for giving me the strength to take that first step towards untangling myself from such an unhealthy and abusive person. Xxx
Thank you Natalie and a very happy new year to you and thanks to you’re help Natalie this year is gonna be massive, I have booked my flights to go to India at the end of this month, a trip I’ve been putting off due to the ex EUM/AC, it’s an open ticket so I don’t know how long I’ll be there for and upon my return I will be taking up a once in a lifetime offer of following my dream and passion of becoming an Ayurvedic Doctor and most importantly of all, the AC/EUM is so far out of my life it’s not funny, of course he won’t realise that yet but that’s not my problem and all other men are also way off the radar at least, if not forever, until I truly get to the bottom of my dodgy relationship behaviour, I am currently reading Mr Unavailable again but I know I have already moved on big time! I also want to thank all the other ladies on this site and wish everyone of you a fabulous new year and if you’re not where I am yet, persevere and you will be and if you’re ahead of me, well done and good luck, best wishes and much love to all of us xxx
Thanks to Natalie and everyone on site for helping me to reach the point I’m at today. Lots still to strive for and understand but my relationship with me is different now and I am so, so grateful for that. A brilliant New Year to all x
Thx Nat! This New year, i’m looking forward to a brand new me, not missing Mr. Unavailable anymore, and am no longer bitter.. Ladies, Cheers to ‘no crumbs’!!
Elle, I will most definitely raise a glass to that 😉 You’re awesome lady, Happy New Year!
Happy New Year Natalie and to everyone on this site. Ive only been reading the posts on this site for a few months and already it has transformed my life, and the way I’ve been looking at myself. Thank you sooooo much Natalie and everyone for everything that you’ve said to spur my complete turn around in the way I’m handling my relationships now. Your video is a wonderful way to begin a new year, inspiring, encouraging and so much more.
Have the best New Year yet ladies and gents, and I will be continuing with you on your courageous journey into 2012.
Karen
Natalie,
My ex broke up with me the day before NYE last year. I was inconsolable. I, too, stumbled upon your site looking for some relief from my intense pain–the day after he broke up with me. I had never heard of “No Contact”….and I took your advice and it changed me. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.
For the past year, I have relied on your site and the comments from others for support–even though I am not in a relationship now, it’s a reminder of what I deserve when I decide to love again.
So–thank you. And a very happy new year to you!!
Natalie,
What an inspiring message to come to us here on new year’s eve. Thank you for BR – for all your support and help, which is invaluable to me.
Every happiness to you and yours in 2012 – Lang may yer lum reek!
Happy new year to all the fabulous people on BR! xx
ThankYou dear Natalie for helping me to get clear with some things that, hopefully, will stay in 2011.
Happy New Year to you and to your loved ones! And much love in 2012 to all Baggage Reclaim readers.
Hug*
Thank you, Natalie!
I really don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t stumbled upon your website 6 months ago. Probably still selling myself short. Thanks to your wisdom I’ve been able to move into 2012 in a better state of mind. Of course there will always be challenges but I feel like I have tools now to deal with them.
Happy New Year!
Wise words as usual Natalie, I have spent years focusing on the past and not learning by mistakes. Now, however I am changing, I managed NC and didn’t speak to my ex for over 2 years, although recently he has tried to gradually regain my trust and seriously expected me to meet him at some ridiculous time of night! I didn’t meet him and never will.
I know what I want and I wont settle for less, I want to be treated with love care and respect and he definitely has to be single.
Thank you for your valuable advice. Without you I’m certain I would have still been yo yoing back to him.
All the best for 2012 xxx
Nat you are adorable, thank you for reminding me that i need to choose me. I’ve been following your blog for years and you keep getting better and better. Wishing you peace, success and happiness for 2012. Xoxo you are amazing!
Thank you! happy new year to everyone, may 2012 be a good one!
Nat, thank you hope you had a wonderful new year! Onwards and upwards. You’ve been a total life saver for me. Always nice to deal with issues with people rather than alone.
Happy new year to everyone on BR too.
Happy New Year NML, with the help of your blog, prayers, and lots of reading, I am feeling good about entering into 2012. God bless you Natalie and keep doing what you do!!!
@Trinity….a few weeks ago I saw my ex with a woman and he did not see me…I too felt pretty good about not feeling attracted but torn up about why he had a gf and I had no one….ffw 7weeks later and I have now been dating a great guy for a month and we had a lovely time last night…when you least expect it you will meet someone interesting and due to all the time you spent focusing on you you will care less and less about the ac…honestly I did not think about him once last night although I had met him on NYs eve two years before:) you can do it!!!
As with others on this blog I’m so thankful to.have found your blog or else I would have been doomed to have repeated the same mistakes. I’m almost one year Nc from my ex and its strange to think I actually spend new years with him last year although we weren’t together .. that didn’t make him choose me and I had to make the decision to drop him and your blog truely helped so I can’t thank you enough for that
Although I may not have sucess in romance at least I made decisions for myself. I learned what boundaries where and also realized its not too scary to go on dates as well as not to expect too much from them. I remember how hard it was for me to go no contact and how I was tempted to break it so many times but I kept in mind your Words and it helped tremendously 🙂
Hope you all the best!
Thanks Natalie and happy new year!
Thanks, great to hear as always. This site has been a lifesaver for me for the last year though it took me a long time to start really applying the advice and not keep yoyoing back to him! Happy New Year to everyone, with much love, peace and joy in 2012 x
Happy New Year Nat! Thanks so much for not only this post but all the ones prior to it. You have really helped me in a great and profound way. I’m excited for 2012 and the continued self growth and improvement that I know is to come. 🙂
All the best!
Thank you for all that you do! It is a great help to many, as well as myself.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Happy New Year and a debt of gratitude to Natalie, BR, and all of you for willing to be vulnerable so we can all learn from each other.
That expressed, I’m back in the dating game after a few months of licking the wounds inflicted by the last EU man, and also a few months of studying BR and all of your comments very faithfully. I have vowed that from now on, I would take it VERY slowly…and one warning flag and I’m out. Well, some casual friends introduced me last week to a guy who has just returned from a relatively short deployment in Iraq. There was instant chemistry (beware, fo me anyway!) he asked for my number, and we went out on a fantastic date this past Friday night. We went to dinner, a movie, and a nightcap, and he was the perfect gentleman. During the nightcap, seemingly a little impulsively, told me he was going out to New Years dinner the next night with a friend and his wife, and would I join him? I hesitated, mentioning the importance of avoiding too much too soon, but then agreed. He said he would call the next day, which he did, but told me he had thought about the idea of going slowly, and that maybe dinner wasn’t such a good idea, but would I consider going for a walk with him the next day? A take back? Seemed like it, but his reasoning seemed sound, and he wanted to make arrangements to see me again, so I agreed. The next day, I got a text: I’m terribly hungover from the NYE celebration, could we reschedule the walk? Now THAT, on several levels, was a warning flag to me. I have not responded to his text. He has not texted or called again. Do I flush or return his text? My friends say he is probably embarassed that he had to cancel because he was hungover and I didn’t return his text. The only thing that shakes my confidence a bit is that he attempted (though via text…yuck) to make another date. Please weigh in if you have a moment! It’s my first attempt at trying to really follow my instincts! My gut says remain silent, and if he’s really remorseful and interested, he’ll make the call, apologize, and ask me out again. Anything else is less unacceptable. What do you think?
Flush. He cancelled twice now and the first time he used your words to do it. The 2nd he used a text, NO WAY. My friends give me bad advice/opinions all the time, I have learned to ignore them and go with my gut.
Kmac
As someone who has had this done to them, I would say remain silent, if he calls and re-schedules, then its good, if he doesn’t then you know your gut was right. In my situation I didn’t trust my gut, I got a text 20 mins after he called me to arrange to meet, to say he had to take his sister to the hospital because she was in labour (whatever!). I knew he was lying but I continued to try and reschedule by calling and texting him days after! I wish I had BR at the time to help me get a 2nd opinion! Trust your gut, because its usually right!
Hi Kmac and welcome to 2012. Thank you for posting. I haven’t ventured out into the dating world yet after a year on BR so I appreciate your post. Clearly, I’m no expert and I understand your questions. I wouldn’t be comfortable with the withdrawal of the dinner invite after you agreed to go. But here’s the thing, you say: “The next day, I got a text: I’m terribly hungover from the NYE celebration, could we reschedule the walk? Now THAT, on several levels, was a warning flag to me.” Thus, if you feel it is a warning flag to you, listen to you. Although I’d like to say you don’t need validation from us, I know how much I appreciate a reality check. I’m totally with you on how text messages suck. He could order a pizza with a text. If I were you, I’d sit still. He knows your number and can call you. Follow your instincts. I’m sure I’m going to need the same advice this year. Your instincts are you. You can quote me when I ask for a reality check. Sit still. There’s no fire, you aren’t that desperate, he isn’t that special. Oh, 2012 is going to be interesting with our BR lenses on. Bring it on.
If he’d really wanted to see you the next day, he’d have not gotten so stinking drunk in the first place = less of a hangover?
Or are you just like every other woman, and can be ‘rearranged’ so that he can drink himself stupid?
He should be embarrassed, and it’s not up to you to make it right or make it comfortable for him. Whatever his situation is, is for him to figure out.
I think your gut is right on, just hang back and observe, don’t get sucked into trying to figure him out. It was only ONE date with a guy you met LAST WEEK. Pffffft!
Kmac
Listen to your gut.
He’s embarrassed? He should be. Your friends are wrong – it’s absolutely down to him to do something concrete now, which doesn’t include lame texts.
Kmac,
I think you are already trusting your gut on this, despite friends which is great. Follow it through. You have ‘instant chemistry’ …as you say this is something to be watched out for. V is talking for you!
I personally don’t like a movie as a first date, 2 hrs of sitting close to someone you find physically attractive…everything becomes skewed? The dinner date which morphs to the walk which morphs to the rescheduling…nope. The big thing here is the fact that he texted. If there was a legitimate excuse, he would have phoned you. If I guy is totally into you, he will try and see you, hear your voice, put a firm date on the rescheduling etc.Texting is lazy.
If you do decide to see him again, you’d need to be watchful of more slippage, rescheduling…do you want that, for you in 2012? Trust you whatever decision you make.
“I’m a grown up man and I got so drunk and I’m so hungover I can’t do what I said I would do! And I lost my ability to speak so I text message.” He sounds charming. And after the first date, even. I bet he would be AWESOME in a relationship. 🙁
Lets quit analyzing him, NOT give him the benefit of the doubt, and you go find yourself a good prospect so we who are not dating yet can get excited and happy for you!!! 😉 We’re rooting for you, Kmac!!! Hee hee!!
Amen Grace! Kmac, my mother always says that if a man is giving you what she calls the “Uh-Oh Feeling”/seems like a pain in the ass in the first month, he’ll be ten times more of a pain in the ass in six months. I agree that it’s up to him to…wait for it…you may want to sit down for this…pick up the phone and SPEAK INTO IT. Phew! I’m exhausted and sweating profusely just thinking about all that effort 😉 Well done for keeping your wits about you and taking a clear-eyed view of the situation – not always easy, as we all know.
My instant gut reaction is flush. He might have rushed with the dinner invite but once you open your mouth, when you really are interested in someone you`d make it work, it`s only a dinner with friends, you are not meeting his family! His texted second cancellation confirms the inappropriateness of what he`s done the first time. I would not give him another chance, to me all that is fast forwarding and blowing hot and cold so fast your head spins.
Kmac
I agree with what’s been said already. But what strikes me too is that when he asked yo to the NYE thing with his friends you told him that you were worried this was ‘moving too fast’ – then you backtracked and agreed to go. Why say – why bring it up – it if you didn’t mean it? It was only a new years thing with a few of his friends – not a marriage proposal. it’s not entirely relevant to the outcome though – I agree with the rest of the commentators re him – but you contradicting (or second guessing yourself – or not backing your own statements) is what struck me most. I think we can all take something from this (including me!) – if you don’t mean what you say – don’t say it (I suspect when we do this the guy thinks we’re ‘fishing’ and I think I agree with him).
Fearless, great point of ‘not saying what we dont mean’, one to keep in mind for myself.
Thanks for all your inspring words and advice. Much love and joy to you Nat and everyone else on this blog. It has been my sanity for the last 1 1/2 years!!
Happy New Year Natalie and everyone. Thank you for helping so many of us find our way out of the dark. For me, 2012 will be small steady steps to ensure I am being true to me and keeping my feet on the ground. Who knows what lies ahead for me but I will accept it with grace and confidence. I am learning that happiness isn’t something we arrive at but something we learn to build and appreciate, even when their are bumps along the way.
Cheers to all of you!
Hi Nat, have a look on POF.com there is a very interesting discussion about EUM also your blog gets mentioned there. It seams you have educated many people about it! Yeah! lso my ex EUM is on there claiming to be available….. what a con what he write about himself there. It Really makes me shudder and if i would have read this without knowing him, I would have fallen for him again!!!! It seams they really are CON artists some of them
Hi Natalie, wishing you a safe and happy 2012 also. Thank you for helping me get through a gut-wrenching breakup in April 2011 which took 8 months to get ‘over’ and included depression and self-hate, but with your advice and knowledge, I am now a stronger person who knows how to look after number one and each day I strive to become a happy, content, calm person without being needy, vulnerable or chasing the same drop-kick ass-clowns. Much love and respect, Katherine.
Happy New Year to you! Thank you for continuing with the inspiration, advice and helping decipher what being a woman in a relationship (and man) actually means in this day in age! It fascinates me that so much of ourselves reflects directly into this part of our life. I wish we all had this type of education at school during our formative years! Keep writing…. 🙂 Jo
Thank you Natalie for this wonderful site, which has really changed my thinking on a lot of issues, and has forced me to pay more attention to the parts of me and my life that I was keeping locked down.
My new year’s resolution is to GET MORE REST. It’s amazing how freaked out we become when we are just plain tired – everything emotional becomes uncontrollable, and given my age (42) the ol’ hormones are playing merry hell with my energy levels and sleep patterns. This is not a crime; it’s a fact of life, and I have to learn to respect my body more.
It’s also amazing how good life can be when you just leave out the whole dating/men thing – even for a bit. I’ve developed a reasonably good friendship with my ex-EUM now, which suits both of us, and I’ve also become more reconciled to being happily single. (Exposure to some tired, frustrated couples and families over the Christmas/New Year break has helped to focus me as well! Oh how GOOD IT IS just to go home to a quiet house, and not have to think about or do anything.)
It’s been so moving and uplifting to read all the comments on your lovely New Year’s Eve post, and to see the solid evidence of what a huge difference you and Baggage Reclaim have made in people’s lives, Natalie. And especially brilliant is that so many messages are from the wonderful “regulars” who share so much on here. I am also proof of the massive difference that BR can make. A year ago, I was in the middle of discovering that my boyfriend of 1 year was totally not the person I had believed him to be and that he was, in fact, being emotionally unfaithful to me with his previous gf and several other women online. I then spent a truly appalling 2 weeks, having flown thousands of miles to join him on holiday in Argentina, knowing that my trust in him had been shattered and could never be rebuilt. I had totally lost myself in the relationship after morphing my life to fit around doing everything on his terms, so that when we finally broke up I had absolutely no idea who I was any more. It felt like my life had been razed to the ground. How different to this New Year’s Eve. After nearly 7 months of NC and a *lot* of work on the self-care and self-love that you always remind us to nurture, Natalie – at the age of 52 and still being slim and young-looking, I wore a classy mini-dress for the first time in abaout 40 years, and looked and felt fantastic. This is something I would never have had the confidence to do a year ago after I had allowed the situation with my ex to destroy what little self-esteem I had left. Baggage Reclaim has played a *major* part in my recovery from all the pain and heartbreak, and it continues to play an even bigger part in the ongoing creation of a joyful and peaceful life – and for that I truly thank you, Natalie, and I thank all your readers too. Onwards and upwards, everybody! x
Happy new year Nat! Your ‘Mr Unavail and the Fallback Girl’ literally changed my life. BR continues to change my life for the better! You’ve completely opened my eyes to things in a way no one has before, and have brought me wisdom, strength, courage and self esteem which were non-existent when I came across
your site. I don’t know if you realize the impact this can have on our lives as women! It’s pretty remarkable. Thank you for being YOU and sharing this with all of us, and in turn allowing us to share and learn with one another. It’s such a GREAT gift!
Happy 2012 Nat, and all the BR readers!!! Here’s to being strong, wise, kick-ass women now and always 🙂
T.
What a lovely message Natalie! I hope for all of us that 2012 is a year for enriching our lives. I hope we all grow in love and attract the good in life while leaving the not so good behind. A couple of friends and I were on our way shopping, the subject of conversation was the past. One friend pointed out the wide front window, the ability to see all. She then pointed out the rearview mirror with limited viewing capability, that is how our lives should be… Best wishes to you and all of your readers!
Lovely message, Nat, we must never forget the quest we’re on. We must never forget what we’re dealing with and that these creatures don’t change their stripes. It amazes me how the script doesn’t deviate, no matter the race, geographic location or social/economic status of these males. It occurred to me, and it was quite a sobering thought – believing the promises/apologies/future faking/sob stories of an a**hole is equivalent to admitting that you like the taste of s***. I had to remember this when the ex sent an ‘I’m sorry/miss being friends/trying to be better’ mail that got me in a tizzy. For nothing. Just saying:) Happy New Year all!!!
Happy New Year, dear Natalie, and also to all BR readers! And thanks to all the insight into relationships, and the realistic, down-to earth advice.
For 2012, I might have an article suggestion about an issue that is troubling me. Recently I was reading about the “Florence Nightingale” syndrome, and why it and is wrong and dangerous. But what about the case when a nice, decent guy, who has NEVER shown shady or disrespectful behaviour, and the relationship evolved constantly for many months after meeting each other, suddenly has to deal with several issues that bring him down? This has also an impact on the relationship with us, in a sense that he starts pulling away. We are not the only ones complaining about his change of behaviour, other friends and acquaintances notice it too, so we know it’s not about *us*…but still, we don’t know what’s the right attitude to have: should we give him some space, be supportive, or just let go until he gets his issues sorted? Yep, that’s my current situation… :/
Thanks once again for everything, Nat! Sending you many hugs from Italy!
Happy New Year Natalie,
I really enjoyed your message; thank you for taking the time to wish us all a Happy New Year. 🙂
One of the things that I like best about your site is that you always increase my understanding of ideas, concepts, etc. I think you bring the “flesh” to it, so I can identify it in my own life instead of it just being something that I understand cognitively.
Also, I want to thank all of the posters here because you have all been a gift to me as well.
Wishing much love and light to everyone,
🙂
Belated Happy New Year to you Natalie and everyone on Baggage Reclaim.
I have been reading your blog since late 2010 – when I found myself in the second year of ‘dating’ an EUM. Up until I stumbled upon your blog – every time I’d had a problem with the EUM I’d phone a psychic line and they would reassure me that everything was going to be alright and he was ‘the one’. Just be patient.
Thankfully, I discovered the straight talking approach of BR. Got myself on a BS diet. Downloaded the book (which is fab), read all the posts. Three months after discovering BR – I ditched him (first time I’ve dumped a guy!) – safe in the knowledge that someone who treated me like that could never be ‘the one’. Thank you Natalie – you gave me the tools to reclaim my self esteem.
Thank you for the (wise, caring) video, Natalie! You look so relaxed and radiant. Thank you too, BR regulars and less-regulars. It’s nice to have you as friends.
I am really excited about this year. I can truly say that I feel and look different to what I did a year or two ago, even six months ago. Over the Christmas and NY break, I was told many times how youthful and happy I seem to be. These people don’t know, of course, how much bloody work actually went in to creating conditions where I might now feel (and therefore look) calm-but-sprightly. I am just so grateful that I can see I have a handle on some of the stuff that I was so badly floundering with before. And, like you say, Nat, I now smile in a goofy way at myself, rather than perpetually shame myself for it. The AC experience, for instance, feels long ago now, and certainly not as scary, or even scary.
Might be a coincidence (and might not mean much in terms of ‘The ONE’ measurement), but I did meet a lovely man on NYE. He’s the bestie of one of my cousins (third-party guarantors are good!!!). No fantasizing, no overbaking, very little worrying. I have just met someone who is treating me in a kind, enthusiastic and warm way, whose company I like so far, and about whom I have only heard positive things. It’s the first time in my life where I feel both OK if it doesn’t work out (in a non-defensive way) but also (and this is important because I didn’t have this for the most part of 2011) actually confident that I could allow myself to be vulnerable to someone and not lose myself. I have learned that intimate relationships are not everything (they are nothing if they don’t give you energy, space, and confidence to grow), and tension often leads to something breaking. BR is all about grounding life in what’s loving and good for you, and therefore, in a two-way sense, for those around you (people, community etc). I feel good. Life looks good to me. So, in short (ahem), it’s a nice start all round.
Looking forward to 2012, including BR.
Elle (other Elle)
Elle
if you look as good as you sound, you must be looking great. Am so glad for you. You are too smart to not figure it all out in the end and get to where you are supposed to be! I don’t doubt you are a very attractive woman – with a sociable and open personality. You always seem to be beating men off with a stick – makes me wonder what’s wrong with me (I am certain there is something amiss with me as I don’t seem to be “normal”… I worry about myself when I hear people on BR saying they are having a “few months” out of dating – or have “started dating again”… as I don’t know what they mean! I don’t know how one “starts dating again”… I guess it would help if I left the house. Not counting (and why should I?) the recent ex EUM or MM of twenty+ years ago, I can’t remember the last time I went on a proper “date” i.e. I meet a guy at a social function, guy asks me to dinner/movie and we go out together to said dinner/movie… no, wait a minute, yes, I can remember – somewhere round about 1992. Okay. There is definitely something wrong with me. I know it.
Elle and Fearless,
Elle, it is great to hear about your inspiring start to the NY. How wonderful for you. You really sound grounded, happy, and positive. Your message is inspiring and congratulations. You have worked hard and deserve to be happy.
Fearless, you articulated precisely what I am feeling. I think my last proper date was 1992 as well. I was just thinking this morning that I’ve got to get out of the house after a year of kicking myself around the backyard and howling at the moon. No regrets though. I needed the time by myself. I’m sorry to hear about the crummy weather in Scotland and I hope you get your TV fixed soon. I don’t even have crummy weather to blame. Each day I tell myself tomorrow I’m going to….now I really think tomorrow I am going to leave the house, other than the gym/hike and the grocery store. Let’s leave the house tomorrow? Otherwise we might regret it!
fearless
You were in a relationshit since 1992 (for most of it ). I have a theory that the only men you meet when you are in a relationship already are clowns, so you weren’t in the right situation to meet someone anyway.
I haven’t met anyone in ages either but I was scared stiff for about three years, then I had counselling for a year and I have to admit that I don’t want to meet someone. I can feel the walls going up when someone shows interest. There’s a shop I’m scared to go back into because the owner was flirting with me. I am completely terrified of having to turn someone down if they ask me out.
Most decent men need some encouragement (just a smile, chat, general air of openness). It’s mainly players who’ll pursue you when you give them the cold shoulder, so very possibly there are men who have been/are interested, but you’re just not giving out the right vibe.
I think if you REALLY want to meet someone you will.
Leaving the house does help though. What’s your postman like?
Thanks for the sweet comments, ladies. Despite genuinely feeling good and pretty confident, I am certainly not on top of everything: I still have my icky panic impulses (less frequent), and have to be careful not to make out (to myself and others) that when a guy is interested in me, I am being backed into a corner, without choices, and that somehow I am a little mangy animal that needs to be ready to claw its way out.
I have realised that I do have options, even choosing to be with someone at all, and that things can simply not work out; you can get to know someone and for whatever reason – compatibility, luck, grace, timing, emotional obstacles – it was not to be. This is what I have to really know though, otherwise it’s all just too dramatic and it blows up. I have to know that it’s OK if a relationship does not work out, that I have time, and that no relationship with a good person who awakens something lovely in you is a waste.
Also, yes, I do get male attention, and, at the risk of sounding like a tool, this can be problematic because it means I am good at making men feel special even when I don’t have feelings for them, I enter relationships that are not likely to be good for me (in part because I just want the decision to be over with!), I can sometimes lose a sense of perspective about what someone is, in fact, offering me (in the nice sense), and I often get men who like to chase me down (but not always stick around). So, you know, it can all get a bit confusing and fraught sometimes.
More importantly, though, would it be so bad, (and this is assuming you actually want to meet someone nice) if you set yourselves the 2012 challenge of going on three dates – one random (say a nice neighbour or colleague or dentist waiting room fellow), one through mutual friend and, say, one through the internet – by 30 June? It could be really fun, even just sharing dinner with someone. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere – you already know you like your own company and can manage just fine. I think this seems like an OK thing to commit to??? ; ) I totally agree with Grace – nice guys need a simple nod (metaphorically-speaking, though if you have a sassy nod down-pat, by all means…), and then they’ll do the pursuing (if they want to). Guys who mean no good don’t wait for the signal.
Thankyou so much Runner, Grace and Elle (kisses all round!). Good advice! And don’t I know it. I always meet someone eventually, when I really want to (usually arses!), so I know you are right, Grace. I know. And yes, I’ve spent most of all that time in one relationshit or another – it has to be said, I do have staying power with relationshits! (lol). But no proper dates – no decent bona fide relationships for many, many years! (am feart to count!). I think I’m a bit like you Grace – but I’m more ambivalent or lazy about it rather than having any kind of ‘wall’. I sure did have a wall up when I was with the EUM, but that is crumbling away now, I think. I’d def. go on a date now if I were asked by a decent bloke, so Runner, yep, let’s leave the house! My challenge this year is to broaden my social circle a bit more – I always see the same faces – never any single men among them – and I don’t stretch myself enough socially. Elle! I love your idea of the three date challenges by June! I’m up for it. I have had an older and very interesting married man through some work stuff we were doing together trying to woe me – at first I thought he was being nice and friendly taking me to lunch to ‘discuss our project’; I liked him until I realised he was trying to woe me – something didn’t feel right. So I have given him the polite avoidant treatment – not interested in ‘married’ thank you very much! But at least I know I can still pull some male interest. Thanks for all your comments. You are such fabulous girls! Any man who knows what’s good for him should be glad of a smidgen of your attention! Apologies if I’m hogging the blogging and being off topic… I think I am a bit on topic with trying to figure out ‘who am I really and what do I want from me and for me in 2012 and beyond?’
ps Grace, the postman?…mmmmm… lol.
Haven’t had anything I would call a real date for many years either. There were a few EUM or AC who wanted sex the first night and made me feel guilty for saying no, some MM who wanted sex without any dating at all, and some guys who were WORSE than that even if they didn’t ask for sex right away (manipulative, controlling, just plain horrible). I wouldn’t call any of that dating right now.
No wonder I’m glad I’m on a dating hiatus. By no means at all do I want a repetition of that!
I’ve recenly started to flirt a little more again (mostly with business contacts, because I rarely meet guys outside my job). I think it’s okay to be attracted to somebody, to be charming and to be happy if it makes an impact.
What I have to stop is the negative tailspin that usually results. What if he rejects me? What if it turns out he isn’t single (even if he doesn’t wear a ring)?
What if that cute colleague of mine who’s married to a rich old guy but likes to flirt snatches up that guy I’m interested in?
Or what if I don’t want him after all?
What would that mean about me? Would it mean I’m worthless? Would that mean I’m mentally ill? What if what if what if???
No wonder dating (and even flirting!) was such a nightmare to me – with all that negative self-talk!
It feels so good to silence it, to tell myself he isn’t that special after all. It gives me so much peace.
I think I have to work on that a little more before I can even think of dating. But like most of you, I guess dating might – to some extent – come naturally once I’m ready.
Hey Fearless, yup MM’s thrive on going out to discuss “the project”. That’s precisely how I got sucked in… discussng “the project” my arse. If they are married, they can discuss “the project” at work. Of course, I know you know that but your description of the MM made my waist length hair stand up on end. Not a pretty pic. But you know what to do with a MM…FLUSH!
I’m up for three bona fide real dates by June too. I managed to get out of the house today. It’s only 5 days into the New Year and I’m determined to make 2012 different. It took an act of God (or maybe an act of BR…same thing) but I went to my very favorite cafe for an early dinner, a glass of wine, with my Kindle (reading Sense and Sensibility). It was really nice. I enjoyed my Reggae, my favorite salad, nice wine, and a great book. No players. No MM’s. No AC/EUM’s. Just a nice early evening out. With me! Wishing you the same soon, weather permitting! We can pull male interest anytime we want, it’s about pulling the right male interest! Here’s to 2012!
Oh, I forgot: @Grace: “It’s mainly players who’ll pursue you when you give them the cold shoulder, so very possibly there are men who have been/are interested, but you’re just not giving out the right vibe.”
That sounds very wise to me!
EllyB
I agree too. I can see so clearly now how I have stepped over many a decent bloke to get to the clown in the corner!
Runner – good for you! And yes, I suspect we probably can pull male interest anytime we want! I twigged onto that MM very quickly – I don’t do ‘married’ or ‘attached’. Simple. Thanks to Nat (and BR comments on the topic) that boundary is now as solid as a brick wall! No danger. Here’s to three bona fide dates by June! I may leave it another month or two though before I get started on the challenge. I wouldn’t want to impose my ex EUM still weeping wounds on some unsuspecting soul – not quite yet! Am aiming for March/April for date number 1. I have to see the ex EUM later this month as I am responsible for arranging an event that he is speaking at (I mentioned this here a few months ago); I will also need to introduce him to the audience before he starts his talk (any ideas of what I could say about him?! lol. What about: he describes himself as an “arse”? And I agree with him wholeheartedly. Lol).
All of this is hanging about me too, like a cloud, like it’s just not completely finished yet. I should really be contacting him as I have the speakers at other events (the MM I mentioned was one of those, for another event, now over). I should discuss content/details/running order etc… with the ex arse but I haven’t done that yet cos I know it’ll make my stomach do somersaults (what I used to experience as ‘excitement’! Now I know it’s called ‘anxiety’!) and (as Leisha said on another topic) I am still vulnerable to him and maybe always will be. I’ll feel better once this event is out of my way too. I have thought of asking a coworker to deal with it but I don’t want to create drama and it really is my call.
Happy New Year! I hope that this year brings everyone the peace they deserve! And thank you Natalie for all the work that you do!
Jas
Happy NY Natalie! Thank you for your website, it has helped me once before a few years back. Unfortunately I fell in the same pithole (I swear it looked different.. ;)) last year but thanks to BR I saw the pattern quickly and recovered quickly. Now I will try to keep on track in this new year, it’s gonna be about what I want, what is good for ME. Gonna watch your vid a few more times this year..
Love, L.