Over the past couple of months, I’ve become increasingly aware of counting your stresses. Sometimes we get so caught up in getting through the day to day and with the nitty gritties of the individual issues and situations, that we don’t step back and see not only the bigger picture, but also how big our stress load is. If we don’t register the magnitude of what may be high level stresses, we become acclimatised to that particular stress level until we get tipped too far.
I’ve seen many a BR reader struggle with stress and it’s specifically amplified by the sense that the stress isn’t being handled ‘perfectly’. Stress strugglers convince themselves that someone who was more ‘together’, ‘beautiful’, ‘confident’, or ‘capable’, or less ‘silly’, ‘needy’ or ‘sensitive’ or whatever, would just take it in their stride. Not true. Stress is something that affects everyone and it’s very easy to judge people around us based on the way that we judge ourselves, but that belittles those causes of stress as well as influencing factors that may make us more predisposed in that moment to not be able to handle incoming stresses. That and we’ve all known somebody who seemed so ‘together’, who people have said, “But she/he seemed so happy”.
Think back to a time when something seemed to knock you for six even though on other occasions, similar or even worse didn’t have the same effect – there were other contributing factors that caused you to hit your stress threshold.
I’ve spoken with a number of BR readers who cannot understand why on earth they are so distressed by the fact that someone who they admit they’re not that crazy about and who actually detracts from their self-esteem, won’t get back together with them. A bit of digging turns up one or more other losses and stresses in the preceding weeks and months, so in an effort to overcompensate for one area of their life where they don’t have control and are highly stressed, they try to gain control of something or someone that’s uncontrollable. It’s a distraction.
When I slipped into a comparison spiral in May that was partly fueled by being hangry (hungry and angry), reflecting on it in the hours and days that followed, it was easy to see why I would be particularly susceptible at that point – we were doing four hour round trips to visit my brother in hospital (he’s out and doing ok), the buying process for our house was initially quite stressful plus our landlord sold the rental property to our next door neighbours and suddenly all of this tension entered our life and at times we felt under siege. After a lull in the stress, it snowballed (my brother-in-law also wound up in hospital with malaria, sellers were driving us batty, landlord upped the ante, family drama, a very strange situation with a passive aggressive and the list goes on) until about early July when something seemed to snap. Some stresses resolved themselves and some, we/I had to get medieval on them. I found myself shaking one day and I thought, Feck this for a game of soldiers! No-one is worth this!
I also learned something very important about very strong physical reactions to certain people: Paying attention to my body in that moment, I heard a message loud and clear – Just in case you were thinking about wussing out and not dealing with this person, think again. This is how this situation is affecting you. I listened and acted.
In olden times, I would have taken my physical reaction as a sign to keep my mouth shut or as a sign to not take action.
Sometimes we forget that we’re only human and that there’s only so much stuff we can deal with. This is even more so the case if stuff from our past is driving us, because that’s unresolved and hogging up resources.
We forget that many would struggle to deal with one or two things, never mind several. And we juggle stress while also trying to live normally, which is handy from a perspective of not letting it get to us but then detrimental if we don’t acknowledge what we’re going through. We can end up running ourselves emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually into the ground.
My acupuncturist told me that when we allow one source of negativity into our lives, it opens up space for others; they spot the vulneralibity and exploit it until you address it. This makes sense to me because dealing with shady/negative folk is a drain and a distraction. From the moment our living situation changed and we felt caught between a rock and a hard place, an opening definitely appeared, but the moment we thought, Screw it, and no longer saw it that way, it had a positive snowball effect.
I’ve noticed that when you stand up for yourself and you support you for doing so, you keep going. In the same week where I very firmly drew my line on the living situation, I found myself in a weird high school situation in the playground – I know, I know – and for a few moments, especially coming off the back of all of the other stresses, I felt wounded by the bitchiness and then I not only thought, Oh hell-to-the-effin-no, but I also thought of every BR reader who has felt wounded by someone’s crap, and I spoke up for myself. She got me on the wrong frickin’ week!
Same with stress. Once you acknowledge and as such, count your stresses, it gives you perspective and it can be a relief to know that you’re not losing the plot. Don’t compare your stress. Your stress is personal to you. No one can tell you that you ‘should’ be able to deal with something better than you are – that’s exactly why some people don’t end up sharing what’s really going on within them and end up feeling emotionally disconnected, which can trigger loneliness, depression, or worse.
It’s important to count your blessings but it’s also important to count your stresses when you feel overwhelmed, confused, and unsure of why certain things are happening in your life. Your stress provides clues about where you can support you more but also why you may be making certain choices that you might not make under less stressful circumstances.
Take care of you. Listen to you.
Your thoughts?
PS We move into our new home on Monday when I will also be turning 37. We have moved out of the rental and hand the keys back in the morning. Onwards.
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Thanks for a great post, I am going thru a lot of stress at the moment and find it difficult to come out of this dark cloud..I have no one to talk to.
It’s not easy.. My boyfriend walked out on me 6 weeks ago after an argument, I’m not entirely to blame, it takes two to cause arguments.
I have humble myself and ask him to forgive me, he has refused and refused to talk to me, I try calling him he won’t answer my call, 7 weeks ago he was texting me how lucky he is to have me in his life and how much he loved me, one week later he was gone.. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, no one has perfect relationships or perfect people.
I got angry cause of some things he did and I said some hurtful things, to him.. That’s because he takes me for granted and it stresses me out a lot and it results in bad arguments and he gives me the silent treatments a lot when we argue, he refuses to discuss our problems…I have always forgiven him after any argument, I don’t keep grudges.. He knows that too..
Yesterday I tried calling him, and he said he wants to be happy and he will not be coming back, I feel so humiliated as I have humble myself to him to ask forgiveness and he still refuse to talk to me…
Did he truly loved me or was it just a fake. We are both in our late 40s. And we have both been thru so much in life.
From the. Beginning of this 5 yr relationship I have always been the one to say sorry and make the first move after an arguments, my boyfriend would sit it out and give me the silent treatment for weeks or even months, he will never call or text to see if I’m ok, he just goes off to his family and kinda forget I existed, I am the one to call and request to meet up and talk and yet he would say how much he has missed me….I don’t really know if that’s real or not? It seems like when we argue he punishes me cause he knows I truly care about him..
I need some advice please..I feel so down..
Kadija
I feel for you Kadija, I have been there, done that, the only thing I can advise you to do is as this has been a on going thing, with you always saying sorry, I would take a gamble as you don’t seem to have anything to loose any more , I would call him up or text him whichever you prefer, say nicely that You have done your best to make things better, but to no avail, wish him well and say you have to move on, and then do the No contact rule with him, no contact what so ever no matter how hard it is, and see what happens. as men love to think that we are just pining away for them, let him wonder about you,
Kadja, This man sounds very immature and has zero communication skills. It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone like this. It’s also manipulative ~ he’s teaching you that if you dare have a discussion about something that bothers you/your feelings, he will freeze you out and punish you for it. I think you’ve done more than enough, but he’s shown you that he’s not a good partner for a relationship. Hell, you can’t have a relationship with someone who disappears every time you have a fight. He appears to have walked away from this ~ I suggest that you not bother contacting him again and move on. He’s not worth your time and effort.
Kadija,
It sounds like you have always done all the work in this relationship. Please take this as a blessing, and find someone who will meet you halfway.
Let him go.
Hi Kadija
You’re not alone. You’re story sounds like a mirror of mine. My boyfriend of three years and I broke up at the beginning of May. We were the best of friends, lovers, eachother’s confidantes etc but I had changed to the way I used to be in that I refused to put up with BS. At the time I met my ex I had a very low self-esteem, I didn’t have a good job and felt like I was still dependent on my parents for a lot of things, this suited him perfectly because he was in a very similar position and we leaned on eachother. However last year I finally got my dream job, I bought a house, I became more assertive, happier and self-aware and i could see how this was slowly bothering him more and more. I started to call him out on cancelling on me all the time, limiting the time we could see eachother to 2 days a week for no reason and cutting me out of his life everytime her felt depressed or sick (in fact a lot of the time he would mask depression by saying he had the flu- I went through stomach flu, normal flu and even muscular flu with him) So anyway the straw that broke the camel’s back was when he sent his brother to fetch me from the airport because he was too sick to see me, for a week he never even sent me a message to say ‘welcome back’ or “I miss you” At the same time I was moving and moving with my cat which was so stressful- I felt like he abandoned me at the time I needed him the most but it was an accumulation of so many months of bad treatment and blowing hot and cold. I called him out about it, we had an argument and he decided that he couldn’t “be my punching bag anymore”, that I was hurtful and mean and he couldn’t “put himself at risk anymore” For two months I thought I was the worst person in the world. I thought I was horrible and mean and that I’d broken his heart and that it was all my fault. He refused to speak to me for two months, He wouldn’t reply to texts or emails, I cried to him on voicemail messages because he wouldn’t answer my phonecalls. He didn’t even send me a birthday email and I was sure that I had hurt him beyond reconcilliation and was a terrible person. A week ago he contacted me out of the blue like nothing had ever happened, asked me how I was, how was work, all very friendly and small-talkey. After about three days of exchanging emails- he suddenly sends me a text at 5am in the morning asking if I had been contacted by anyone weird recently. I said no but pried and it turned out his towers of lies were crashing and burning. He had a fling a month after we broke up that he had just broken off from and was worried she was going to contact me because she was angry when he broke it off and said that him and I deserved eachother. This brought up another thing- he had made disparaging remarks about me after the break-up and made out like it was all my fault. He was telling me he couldn’t speak to me after because he was so heartbroken yet he was carrying on with another girl. Also he wouldn’t take any responsibility for his actions in the relationship. After a lot of beating around the bush I eventually blew my top and told him that he was selfish and a liar. He tried to reason with me, saying that he was so lonely and depressed after the break-up and he felt like he needed to fill a hole etc etc etc. he sent me two emails apologising afterwards, admitting his part, asking for forgiveness. I haven’t responded to a single one. I am not a strong person. I cry when I see sad adverts and have never ignored a person in my entire life but you reach your breaking point. You have to know you’re going to be happy with someone else. Living a life with your ex is not happiness- he did things that made you unhappy, that’s why you argued. Be glad that he’s gone. Most of all, its hard to hear but he made a choice, he made a choice to walk away and not be with you so its something you have no control over. All you have control over is yourself. It’s like I told my ex- he imposed the silence after our break-up and I had no choice but to live in silence and it was hard but I focused on myself, I looked inside myself, I thrived at work, I made new friends, I started looking better than I had in three years. In the meantime he did nothing but focus on being a victim, he did things based on this and is now stuck in the same place he’s always been in. He can’t move on and is unhappy about everything in his life. Don’t feed into that unhappiness and don’t let it bring you down. Start walking away and don’t look back. Don’t be someone’s comfort blanket or their second choice. You are better than that.
If someone cannot sit down and discuss the situation when you disagree, there is no relationship. Kadija, move on to someone capable of being an adult.
Hi Kadija,
I hope you are ok. I was not sure whether to write something in reply at first, but I could not just do nothing after reading your story.
If it seems like he punishes you because he knows you truly care…….enough said. If that’s the case, it is just plain wrong. You are right, no relationship is perfect but we must not make that into an excuse to keep going with a relationship that makes you unhappy most of the time, plain and simple. It’s a fine line between telling yourself well, nothing is perfect, and putting up with stuff you shouldn’t ever put up with if you have some self respect. Hard to learn where that line is, but we can learn to shift it in our favour.
It’s not possible to force something just because you want it so badly. Simply because what we want is not always the best for us and somehow, something out there seems to know that. To let go, to give up what we think is control, is very, very hard. It sets you adrift with no clear direction or purpose…….but if you let go of something that is not in your own best interest, the most important part is done…….you open your life up to opportunities, and to reflect and learn. Experience and insight and awareness does not mean you will forever be able to avoid pain…..that just does not happen. But you can learn to accept it and in the end deal with it in a way that is not detrimental to yourself, or even in a way that eventually helps to make you stronger. When you have had enough of pouring your emotional energy into the past, then you can start to focus on what you want to do that is good for you, what will support you and help you get stronger.
I hope you have some other resources you can draw on, but if family or friends are not an option, start a diary and keep in touch with people here. It helps tremendously to know you are not alone in the way you feel, or the pain you are going through.
Lots of love, and take care. Truly take care.
Kadija, you can never truly understand what goes on or what went on inside someone’s head; you can only observe their behaviour and your feelings and make decisions based on that. His behaviour: He left and told you that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Your feelings: this relationship was one-sided and misery-inducing right from the beginning. Proceed from that point.
Natalie- Thank you so much for this post! Also, congratulations and best wishes on your move this Monday(glad your brother’s doing ok and hope your BIL is feeling better)! 🙂 Yet, in spite of all the stress, you find the time to write your usual insightful and educational post. Thank you so much for your dedication to your work! You’re either a workaholic, ridiculously excellent time manager or posting your insights is a stress reliever. 🙂
A couple months ago I started obsessing again over rhe guy who brought me here. I barely know him so why the crazy obsession? Sure enough, it was as you say–distraction from stress. Actually, it was a distraction from doing what I needed to be doing–studying for the GRE (test to get into grad school). When I faced my fear by opening the study book and also started planning the women’s retreat I’m in charge of instead of just thinking of getting started, the obsession lost its grip.
I love every single post on here.i learn something from each one. I am so angry at the minute.my mr unavailable is moving out of town.i was not a factor in his decision&it angers me, hes such a cliche.i finally found some backbone to ask him what he felt about me&where this was going . We’ve been seeing each other 7mths albeit not everyday etc. He said he cares but is not wanting anything serious or any commitments. I was mad that he is such a cliche. He also said he doesnt do emotions as he got hurt bad so he is terrible with them&doesnt think about what he feels at all etc. I in turn know exactly how I feel about him. Im in limbo. He knows im sad about him moving away,we don’t drive so there’ll be hardly any chance to see each other. I am hurt that this doesn’t seem to bother him. I think I need him out my life but im just so down&am hurting myself every day trying to get some validation&attention from him. We get on so well&have fun but I guess this isn’t gonna be enough. I dont have anyone to talk to so writings this has made me feel less trapped by my own feelings. I need a plan I think. I love reading the comments part on here as they are always so incite full and I feel less alone.
Kate I can’t wait for the day that I can come on here and give advice, I feel your pain as I was also involved with and very much in love with an emotionally unavailable man, probably also borderline narcissist, we broke up 4 months ago and I’m still in pain. All I can say is, it does get easier with time, and with that time comes more and more clarity, hindsight is also a wonderful thing……it’s hard when you’re stuck though, and it sounds like you are, stuck in a position where you know you wouldn’t go back, but you’re having problems moving forward….stay strong! We will both get there soon xoxo Mel
Kate: I hate to say it, but I think he just not that into you. The sooner you realize this and move on, the better. There’s a great book with that title “He’s Just Not That Into You” that helped me to interpret men’s behavior a little better.
If he loved you, he would be doing everything possible to move the relationship FORWARD with you. But he’s not. Watch his actions. Listen to his words.
Pay more attention to yourself, treat yourself like the great woman you are, and get yourself out there into the universe. You deserve to be happy. You deserve better than he is capable of giving you.
Kate,
I’m sorry, but he told you who he was from the beginning. It is not fair to him, or you to expect him to be different. When they tell us who they are, we must listen. We should never expect others to change.
Please find someone who will appreciate you, and is open to a healthy relationship.
Time to move on.
Thanks for your kind words Mel.yes I am well and truly stuck.i will just have to give it time I suppose as you say. And I’ll gain more perspective. It does hurt though. I wish you all the best to:) xxxx
Thank you all for the support, it means so much to me and I feel much better knowing there are some great people who truly cares…
Reading the replies it’s given some light on my dark days, if he truly cared he would not have just walked away..so many times I have forgiven him for the wrongs he did, yet when I make a mistake he punishes me by giving the silent treatment, I have blamed myself so much for 5 yrs, all my friends and family says my boyfriend doesn’t love me by the way he behaves.
We live on a small island, small community, 1 mile apart. How would leave me for months and then when we get back together he will cry how much he’s missed me, still I believe him, my teenage son who lives with me tells me that my bf doesn’t really care about me..I guess because he has been observing a lot of what is happening.
I do not hold grudges or resentment towards him, it’s his choice, he’s even said to me before we broke up that I am not a good person, God knows how much I tried to make this relationship work, as it’s been said, it was very one sided.. 5 yrs and I’m always apologising even tho it takes two to start a conflict.
Right now I feel much better for I can’t force someone to be with me or to keep making al the efforts, I have to respect myself and I will honour my decision to move on…
I have a beautiful home we were sharing, yet as soon as we argue he just disappears to his mums house, he will not even text to see if I’m ok for months, he shuts me out completely, his ex wife told me he was the same with her, after 10 yrs and near depression she divorced him…and I thought he was going to change and treat me better?
Thanks so much for all the replies, it means so much to me..
Kadija
kadija – they don’t change. he is emotionally unavailable. You deserve so much more!
Khadija:
I’m glad you have seen his behavior for what it is. I have read you posts on and off about him and see how much pain it causes you. That being said, have you thought on how you are going to react if he comes back asking for forgiveness? If you get lonely and miss him? Can you do NO Contact? is where you will be truly tested. It’s easy to acknowledge he is a assclown but what are your next steps?
Yet another great post. Thanks! I am currently living with the ongoing stress of slowly losing my mum to dementia and trying to support her and the rest of my family most weekends, as well as holding down a busy,and sometimes stressful job.
I sometimes think that when I get stressed I ‘shouldn’t’ as after all,so many people have worse to deal with.
However, when I stand back and view the situation, I realise that I am going through an ongoing stressful time and it’s actually ok to feel rubbish at times. It’s just that there’s so much pressure nowadays to try and ‘do it all’ and remain strong. I am trying not to criticise myself when it all gets too much and cut myself some slack.
Thank you again for your wise words, Nat.
Wishing you many happy returns for Monday and good luck in your new home.
Michelle
As someone who just finished an 18 year long-distance”care taker hood” with my dad, a coupla thoughts. One you ARE under a lot of stress, acknowledge it. Maybe others are in a worse situation but that doesn’t diminish your stresses. I don’t know your family situation, but your family has to take some of the burden off of you. If your kids are older, they need to take over some of the daily chores, same for a spouse, if there is one. Speak honestly about your feelings to them. It’s damn hard to do it all alone.
BR Posters,
Today is a special day in my individual history since it marks the completion of my one-year-long BR journey. I remember posting my first comment in a state of confusion, seeking advice for things that now seem straight-forward enough for me to address on my own. Had I not received your timely & thoughtful responses, I doubt I could have learned as many valuable lessons as I did in a relatively short time.
To celebrate whatever progress I have made so far, I consider it important to thank each of the following for your helpful replies to my posts: A, Andee, Bellaninha, Grace, LaPinturaBella, Lizzp, Ljsrmissy, Maeve, MaryW, Mike from Oztralia, Nel, Pauline, Sofia, Tinkerbell, and Waltzing Matilda. You will probably never entirely realize what a difference you have made in my life through your compassionate & comforting comments.
I hope all of you are doing great & I wish you the best for all your endeavors & relationships. Thanks for the moral support over the past year. It meant a lot to me.
Nigella, I’m so glad to hear that your hard work is paying off and that you’re feeling so much stronger than you did a year ago. Thanks for posting, it was great to read this 🙂
Dearest Nigella
Congratulations on reaching the one-year mark! And a big, enormous thank you right back at you, girl. You too have made a incalculable difference to my life too, and your printed comforting words are scattered through my belongings – on the fridge, floating in my handbag, on my desk, and throughout my diary. I hope you are doing well too. Love always, Nel.
Dear Nigella,
Thank you for your warm words. Your posts and responses to me have been invaluable in my healing process. It is 6-month post breakup for me and I am definitely much better although I still have hick-ups in the form of pain, shame, self-blame (still), regret, and some guilt, some anger. I have read enough to know that the healing process is like a tornado, like a funnel. All the stages keep recurring but with a diminishing diameter and speed and will die out in the end. That’s what I keep reminding myself when I am in pain and doubt. It DOES get better with time.
I haven’t posted in a while, but I am continuing to read the posts. I am still here. Learning and healing and gradually feeling more whole and myself than ever before in my 36-year of life.
Your wisdom and kindness are inspirational. As you, I have found this site life-transforming. I don’t see how I could survive the first 3 months and on without this site and the wonderful people like you, Nel, happy_b, Tinkerbell, Mike, Lizzp, and many others. Thank you, everyone.
To keep to the subject of the article: I did notice too that I think of the ex or other exes to distract from the stress or something that I can’t manage (or I think I can’t manage), so I come back to thinking more of the ex because I think this is “controllable.” Boredom with your job will bring that on too. Interestingly, stress can distract from thinking about your ex, but it can also focus on thinking of him too. Depends what kind of situation, but definitely, we need to be aware of these thoughts triggered by the stress.
Conveying my gratitude to you too Nigella, your posts have been so insightful and helped me enormously. It’s a blessing to have been able to help each other.
Natalie, Happy Birthday and please know I still read regularly and am forever grateful to you for sharing your talent and giving comfort, ease and insight to me and so many others who need it.
Dear Nigella,
Thanks for your kind words and happy 1st year on BR. Like Nel, I keep many of your posts and also many from lots of past and present posters too, we’re all on the same journey and we’re not alone, we get help and encouragement along the way, it’s cyber but there are real people behind every post.
All the best to you and everyone else who reads BR xoxo
Congratulations Nigella !
You go girl!!
Natalie,
I had the good fortune of coming across BR exactly a year ago. Because of this discovery, I benefited in many ways, not the least of which is learning to deal with increasing stresses more effectively. In the past, due to stress rather than loneliness, I made some poor choices on the personal front. Given my goals & responsibilities, I’ll keep facing greater stresses but I’m certain I’ll never again settle for casual sex as a stress reliever. Your brilliant posts on the topics of sex or stress have played a huge role in helping me identify & overcome my self-destructive patterns. Thank you so much for sharing your insights on these topics.
I have tried before to express my gratitude & admiration for your work, but words keep failing me. Today, after much ado, I have settled for this note. I cannot tell you how much your written work has added to my life, my happiness, and my spirit. Because of what I learned through your writings, I feel better prepared to take on more stresses & tasks to fulfill my dreams & responsibilities. This past year has been a life-changing year for me, and your incredibly incisive posts have contributed significantly to my growth as a person.
I’ll always cherish the gift of your words.
Sending best wishes for your move & Birthday!
Nigella,
I could have written your post.
Thank you, Natalie.
Oregon girl-yes you are right, his actions suggest he isnt actually into me at all really.its a blow but I cant keep trying to make it as if he does&turn words like I do miss you into something more substantial. I am playing with the idea of No contact when he moves away nxt wk.thought of it makes me breathless though:( thanks so much for the encouraging words, it helps that can express myself on here.xx
Kadija, you are dealing with a passive-aggressive emotional abuser. He will never “participate” in a relationship with you, or any woman.
Stop thinking you can find the magic formula to win his love.
Stop trying to “win” anything from this man.
Decide to love yourself and MOVE ON. For good. No matter how he will beg you, demean you, or any other thing he will do to try to get back into your home. Let him go for good.
Are you ready for that challenge?
Somehow you’ve convinced yourself you are in a relationship. You’re not.
Happy Birthday and lots of luck in your new home!!!
I know I have several stressors, and after having deep pain under my shoulder blade I went to my chiropractor… the adjustment was too strong and now I have to glint in my left arm. YIKES.
So I’m doing 45 minutes of walking a day & stretches & hoping this goes away. I’m going to phone my chiropractor tomorrow and get his opinion.
To alleviate my stress I garden and go to the pool. I like to tell my self all the good things that I’ve done that day when I’m laying in bed before sleeping and sleep in a positive state. Clean sheets, roses by bed, in my quiet room!
I also like to do random acts of kindness in the day and this is rewarding and positive. I also make plans on how to solve my problems and get rid of stressors. Staying hopeful and optimistic works for me!
Happy birthday Nat, a new home for you and your family, now that’s a great birthday present.
All the best.
Dear Natalie
Thanks for this great post. I can only echo Nigella’s words above in trying to capture how much finding this blog has changed my life for the better. Best of wishes for your birthday and your house – what exciting developments. Onwards indeed!
Nel
Nigella
You have motivated me so much, I have hope now that one day I will be where you are now.
I had this tendency of keeping my ex’s (not my Mr Unavailable) as “Just Friends”, but nowadays I am letting them go one by one. But why did I keep them? To validate me? Now I can see how troubled I have been. I thank once again my Mr Unavailable for being the worse of them all, because if he wasnt, I will still be stuck in those unhealthy relationships, now I am a happy BR work in progress and one day I will be giving my testemony like Negella.
I am so much looking forward to that day, and thanks all
I understand the stresses that Natalie is talking about. I remember when we sold our house. It was hottest day in the summer, the movers didn’t have a big enough truck (and we were charged by the hour), our real estate agent was pressuring us to finish packing because the new owner needed to move-in and on top of all that we were going to be homeless for about week because our closing got delayed! Oh and I forgot, we were charge a storage fee because they had to hold our furniture for a week! I had to laugh to keep from crying!
The only thing that kept me from screaming was I learned to take a deep breath,count to ten and figure out how to get out of this mess. I tried to remember that I can’t get upset over things that I don’t have control over. The only thing I can do to control my reaction. So we call up some friends and stayed with them for a week, had a friendly discussion with the movers and our real estate company and received some compensation because of the problems that we didn’t cause and finally moved into our brand new house! At the end of the day it worked out and me and my hubby took a deep breath and wrote out the check to pay the movers! LOL
That’s great news Natalie!
Happy Birthday! Wishing you love, peace, happiness, and oh, so much joy. Bo) ~~ :o)
Well, I am currently in an outpatient treatment for substance abuse/mental illness. As far as dating goes, I had no business engaging in that realm until I cleaned up a lot of things in my life. So that’s on the back burner.
Since my mother committed suicide sixteen years ago (I am 29), I have attempted to do the same since. I am soooo sick of people telling me I shouldn’t be/feel this way. No one in treatment says that to anyone anyway. And I could write a twenty page dissertation of how horrid it is to tell a mentally ill person suicide is selfish. It’s not. At all. Talk about stressing a lady out…
Anyway, I am learning how to stand up for and take care of myself with an army of specialists/doctors/therapists and counselors. Because that is what it takes sometimes.
One thing that drives me bananas and sky rockets my stress is social interactions. Yes I am eccentric. I am an artist for God’s sake. I get so tired of people acting interested only to turn around and disappear or label me odd or act as if they are afraid of me because I am a strong woman. Or being labeled as bitchy for having boundaries. I get pushed around for being weird and labeled as “intimidating” for being strong or ready to stand up for myself. It’s all bullshit really. I have a beautiful personality and a lot to share yet I am alone much of the time. I see now social rejection I experience has been agonizing my entire life.
But I will say this, those who see something valuable in me for what it is, are quite loyal and supportive toward me in a big and sometimes huge way. Those who love me do so pretty damn fervently. The way I see it I am either hated, loved, or ignored.
When I put me “out there” socially often I get crickets or judged. When I try and be what people want I get more praise. The pull to be loved, accepted, and noticed is so strong in me that it gets easy to choose the safe route and not put myself out there honestly. But I won’t (I just refuse) to be nice, pretty, and polite when I am quite different: rough around the edges and creative. It is not my job to make people comfortable. I’m an art major so I guess it’s quite the opposite. What a haul.
I am really thankful and appreciative for those that show their fancy in me, but I get so damn exhausted with the wishy washy ones who can’t put me in their box, so they choose to be rude. I get so tired of standing up for me. But I will do it time and time again if need be because that is my responsibility. I am a fighter. Ain’t no doubt in that.
I won’t stop being me as flawed and quirky as I am.
And to relieve stress (and prepare myself for any in the future) I am writing unsent letters. This one is to my ex just in case he’s silly enough to think he can come around and mind eff with me again:
Dear Heartbreak and Fruitless Toil in human form (The Ex),
I’m really not up for Round 2 of you and I. It near destroyed me the first go around. I’d just like to be left alone to lick my wounds please.
You Know I will find someone better than you and plus you’re not ready for this jelly.
Excellent Peanut, you should copyright this, it is hilarious !
The letter to the fruitless toil in human form …who is not ready for this jelly …and yes you will find someone who is so so so much better x
Peanut
“Heartbreak and Fruitless Toil in Human Form”; I love it!
Hahaha Thanks Ladies!! Just trying to be cute and clever with it all. That man is not worth the stress of taking a silly man serious other than recognizing he is seriously wrong for my life.
Yep..I did reach for the AC drama as a way to avoid dealing with my real-time Stresses. Possible layoffs, boredom at work but need the job, a boss who can’t wait to let me go, no close intimate friendships of any kind, poor money habits that are coming home to roost…….
Worried all the time. And lonely a lot of the time. So AC drama was welcomed.
ACMM never future-faked, or fast-forwarded, or lied really – outside of the big lie he is living with his LIFE, that is – being a married man and chasing other women constantly. He just accepted what I willingly gave.
Oh, he is an AC, no doubt. Follows the standard playbook. There were many times I thought he, too, is bored and just using the drama to feel “more alive”.
But I am learning that “worry” never solves anything. And I repeat that ShawShank line when the worry gets too great – “Get busy livin, or get busy dyin.”
Matlou, I considered myself “friends” with most of the exes, but I too have recently decided to let those “friendships” die out. There are only two who try to keep the door open…and I realize now that they are more frenemies than friends. Always checking in to see if my life is still as dull and boring as it has always been….maybe to see if it has even gotten a little worse…never any big congrats or even a notice about anything positive that has happened.
I am now at the point of starting to do the things that I thought were what “other” people did. People who were “more together” than me. Like straighten my teeth….always wanted to straighten my teeth…and I decided to take advantage of the health plan while I got it. One small step…
Just like I thought good relationships and lots of money saved were things that “other” people do. I’ve decided that I’m good enough to be one those “other” people.
Elgie and Matlou, I join your circle: since I started reading BR I gradually lost any desire to remain friends with any of the exes. I can’t believe I stayed friends with all of them. Elgie, and I too noticed that I have started doing things for myself that I used to think only other people did. I hope these actions are a part of building up our self-esteem: not validating ourselves through exes’ attention (no matter how lonely we are) and doing nice things for ourselves.
Love reading the comments and am so grateful for this community.
I have had a few NC slip-ups. Need to start again. My question for those of you who have made it to the other side, or who are also embarking on the NC journey, is do you block his/her number? Part of me wants to know I can be strong enough to delete any messages and not feel so worried about it. I also feel I may turn out to be a block/unblock/block flip-flopper.
Some bad date stress triggered me to break NC.
Just started reading the No Contact Rule and Mr. U and the Fallback Girl…mind is blown.
I didn’t block his number or e-mail. I knew he wouldn’t contact me. And he didn’t except for one time two months after the breakup to see how I am doing. There was no need for me to block. If your ex is bothering you and your NC process, I would block him.
Sofia, thanks. I feel the same way, as in I don’t think he will try, but he did a drive by once 3 weeks later and then a text. I think this time is different. I want to trust myself.
Tangerine,
I did not block his number, but I felt that I was strong enough not to talk to him. I didn’t have anymore feelings for him so it really didn’t make a difference whether he called me or not. If you think that it will help you heal, get to blocking! But also learn to let go and become indifferent. Because no matter how many times you block numbers if you are still emotionally crippled by these men you will be stuck and unable to move on.
Thanks, Stephanie. Well said. I am hoping for indifference soon.
Elgie R- “Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.” I LOVE that! 🙂
Congratulations on your decision to take care of you. I read your response to my comment in other thread. It’s awesome that you were able to connect with an interesting, mentally stimulating person who gave you a small gift. 🙂 Yes, I hope you can find one to date as well. You deserve it, Elgie.
Peanut- You are an older undergrad, as was I. It’s easy to feel alienated when surrounded by people who are all 7-10 years younger than you. Do you remember being that young? It’s a pretty self-absorbed time, Peanut. Forgive them. Most of them will grow out of it eventually. 😉
It’s wonderful that you have these mental health resources available to you! I have a friend who is bipolar II coupled with anxiety disorder. For those who don’t know, bipolar II often gets misdiagnosed as clinucal depression. My friend had to try all kinds of medications before finding the ones that worked for her. It’s still a struggle and my friend sees both a psychiatrist and therapist as well as other doctors for various things. Yep, sometimes it takes a team but it’s wonderful to have these resources and people in your corner. 🙂 My friend worked for the same company for nearly twenty years, only had to find new employment when the company was sold. She has a wide circle of acquaintances and a small circle of close, healthy friends she’s had for years. I’m honored rhat she thinks of me as a friend as she’s known me the least amount of timetime. Anyway, the point is that corporate life is not for you and who knows what the psych. eval will reveal but you aren’t doomed to live a crazy life without stability or emotional intimacy. You have people right now who love you and the number will increase as you continue your life journey. You’re doing right by you, Peanut! 🙂
Thank you Rosie.
This comment means a lot to me. What I finally learned was that I wouldn’t ever be ready to date until I had dealt with my substance abuse/mental illness. I am working so hard in treatment and my grandmother is being really supportive. She even went to family night (the topic was codependency), loved it, and stayed the entire 3 hours. Needless to say everyone was floored to have her there. (She’s pretty dang adorable).
Some good things have been happening too. I got a new car after having my junker for 10 yrs. And also I’m starting new medication/treatments for my severe adult acne. And I start up school again in the fall. And I am really hoping to land a job in the fall, as well. After rehab, I will be pursing volunteering with a local horse rescue.
I have a ways to go but I’m getting there. Your support is always appreciated. XX Peanut 😉
Nigella- Much of what you’ve written I have put in my journal. Thank you.
I am a little over a month into no contact. It started out as limited contact because we had to continue working together for a while.
Ive maintained no contact with a big (BUT). I still wear the diamond pendant he gave me, the pandora bracelet he bought me with all the charms and their meaning, the ring.
What are your thoughts on this? I tell myself I dont love him anymore but why do I still have all this stuff on? I think Im afraid to believe it was all a lie. I dont know. I feel like I am so smart on so many levels but turn into a bumbling fool with matters of the heart. I will eventually take them all off but cannot bring myself to do so yet.
Today is a tough day.
IWokeUp, congrats on the month of NC. It is not easy, and you are doing well. Does he see the jewellery you are wearing if you work together? Does the jewellery comfort you? Can you maybe try putting one piece away at a time? Sending lots of strength to you.
Thank you! I am actually pretty proud of myself. My day has been going a little better so far now. I prayed long and hard.
We no longer have to see each other so he doesnt see that I wear it still. I may take your advice and remove pieces a little at a time.
Yes in a weird way I find odd comfort in keeping them on and I like them. We finished my Pandora together in a year and it is beautiful and means a lot to me.
He is not a rich guy and never had a lot of money so he made huge sacrifices to get me these. Our relationship was not perfect and we grew apart and things went downhill but these represent to me times on birthday and anniversaries etc that times were better.
I wish I could bring myself to remove them today but I dont feel strong enough to do that yet and since I dont have to see him, he wont see that I have them on. When we had to work together I removed them and he said something about it which I didnt respond to but I found myself putting them back on after I no longer had to see him.
I think I took them off to hurt him cuz he had put a lot of thought and saved for a while to get them for me before things went downhill.
Dear I woke up – Congratulations on one month non contact! – it is a truely difficult and great milestone, well done. As to our thoughts on whether you need to take off the jewellery? Who am I to say?
My question is – what is it that makes you feel it necessary to ask us? Is there a niggle of doubt in there about you wearing them and what they really represent to you and your self worth?
…..”I think I’m afraid to believe it was all a lie” …..
This sentence made me gasp out loud! So true for any kind of relationship that we open our hearts to.
And I can totally relate to this sentence as well :
“I feel like I am so smart on so many levels but turn into a bumbling fool with matters of the heart.”
Just take it one day at a time IWokeUp – you will get there xo
Iwokeup: wearing these jewelry pieces is a totally different aspect. I think you can do NC and still wear these things. It might however be better if you put them away — for a while. I found that years after a breakup I could wear a bracelet my ex had given with only appreciation for what a pretty piece of silver it was. Taking them off means being able to put away the aspects of these things that is associated with him and with your relationship. Once you are more comfortable you can wear them again.
Thank you for your thoughts Suki. I totally see your point. I take things in baby steps as I feel strong enough to do so. I cant imagine ever seeing any of these in such a way. I guess its too fresh. The day I do I think I will run on here and update everyone! lol …. *wishing that time was now* lol
Iwokeup,
Give it time. It’s early days yet into NC.
I have a ring I wear that belonged to my mother, it reminds me every day of the lovely lady she was and how much she loved me.
What do you think you should do with all the keepsakes you have?
Hugs
At this point I want to wear them. :-/
I wore the jewellery my ex husband (as distinct from the assclown who gave me nothing) gave me for a long time then I started gradually replacing it with pieces that were given to me for birthdays or Christmas and a few things I bought for myself that I really liked.
I still have the jewellery and although I rarely wear it now, it reminds me of much happier times we had before it went down the toilet due to his drinking.
There’s no right or wrong way of doing things.
The only trap you have to avoid is putting on “the rose coloured glasses and that fur coat of denial” when sorting through your relationship with the assclown you were involved with.
I prefer to remember the good times as there were plenty but I don’t forget the bad either although I don’t dwell on it too much these days.
Once you get to indifference you will know that you are there.
Thank you Pauline! I remember our good times together but I also now never lose sight of the fact that we are not meant for each other. I love your analogy of “the rose colored glasses and fur coat of denial”…that made me laugh out loud. I wore them for a long time but not anymore.
I am encouraged by my progress because this time I have not been able to convince myself that it is HE that is the victim of my cruel unfeeling ways. I loved that man. If I got upset it was because of something he did.
Im too cute to be anyones doormat. Men need to know that even if we really dont want to live without them, if need be, WE CAN! Get right or get left. Simple.
I am going shopping for a new necklace tomorrow maybe for something that convey a new beginning and strength. I hope I find something I like. #BabySteps #OneDayAtATime 🙂
What a great post & the timing as usual excellent. I can’t say enough how grateful I am for Natalie’s posts as well as all the comments. I had no contact for a cpl of months and on Friday bumped into my abusive ex at the grocery store. After chatting for a few minutes in the check out line he asked for a ride home and against my better judgement I agreed. On the ride to his place he was still quite friendly but then asked me if I would meet with him the next day to “help” him with some paperwork for a job.
I said no as I had plans and he went absolutely ballistic on me. I asked him to please get out of my vehicle and he refused till he “gave me a piece of his mind”.
He then went on to scream at me that I am a worthless piece of crap that he would never have bothered with in the first place had he still had his good paying job (which he lost after 25 yrs due to alcoholism & absentee). He said he knew I was not “worthy” of him back when we dated when I was 15 and he certainly knows it now – I’m now 51.
He informed me that he’s not surprised my husband left me and would like to give the man an award for having to put up with me the thirty years that he did. He said he’s surprised I have any friends as if they knew “the real me” they would run in the opposite direction. He said I am a stuck up self righteous bitch, a lousy friend and that I’ve raised “freeloading lazy mama boys”. He suggested I seek help as I am “living in a bubble”.
I sat there looking at him the entire time & said nothing. When he was finished his hateful spewing he paused then asked if I’d like a hug. I politely declined and he got out of my vehicle.
As I drove away I thanked God for removing me from this incredibly abusive relationship.
I have been under ENORMOUS stress with an up-coming court case for child support. My ex-husband decided he was done paying support and has just disregarded our legal agreement. My siblings are still not speaking to me since they informed me that I am to step down from being my parents executors when / if the time comes. My vehicle has costly repairs. I’ve had on-going migraines/vertigo for two months etc. etc. etc.
So, this is why this post was excellent timing. Due to the overwhelming stress I’ve been under I let my guard down when I bumped into him at the store. My initial reaction was to laugh as I drove away thinking that all the things he said about me were in fact a very accurate description of himself. But all weekend my mind has been on overdrive re-playing all the hateful things he said and I started to take it personally. It bothered me that he could think so poorly of me when I’ve been so good and kind to him.
I know without a doubt that I have done nothing to warrant this behavior from him or anyone else yet my heart feels pain. I feel like I am under siege (as Natalie puts it) every which way I turn.
I am so grateful for this site and for all of you <3 I thank God for all that I have read and learned from to give me the strength and the tools to weather this storm till it passes. Although I may be facing these mountains right now I do know that God moves mountains and this too shall pass. xo
Stay strong Phoenix and try not to take anything personally that is what he wants you to do when in fact like you said he gave an accurate description of himself.
What is amazing is that no matter how they present themselves to you initially (like a lamb) when you run into them again after a while I think its safe to say these type of men never change and its only a matter of time before their wolf teeth come out. His came out pretty quickly without you investing much more than a little conversation and giving him a ride home.
Smile Phoenix. You are rid of him. I dont know how spiritual you are but I find prayer works miracles for me. Its how Ive been able to stay NC for this long this time.
Thanks for your kind words earlier also. I appreciate everyones comments xo backatcha
Thank you xo and yes – good riddance to bad rubbish ! lol
Actually I just re-read your post and I apologize for missing you saying God moves mountains. You are pretty spiritual and it is with God by our side and support from each other we will all get thru this.
How blessed we all are that Natalie started this site and has enabled us all to be able to support each other. Divine Intervention xo
And the Pheonix rises again 🙂 you are definately coping with alot of stress stacking up against you – I know that feeling – yet even with all of this – you noticed that really he IS talking about himself. And he is. Everything he said about you is a reflection of who he is NOT you.
What is even more shocking to me in your description – was him asking you if you wanted a hug afterwards! – placing himself as both abuser and saviour of yourself at the same time. No wonder you are relieved to not be in a relationship with this person. Well done for saying no to him – that was you already going up the mountain. Well done.
I just about burst into laughter when he asked for a hug lol!! The only reason I didn’t tell him to get the eff out of my truck & go to hell is that I believe anyone that nasty must already be living in hell!
You must be a very nice lady Phoenix, perhaps next time you can have an electric cattle prod on board your truck and next time he thinks he’s going to get a lift you can give him a poke … Lol, I’d like to see that! I’d like to see that happen to a few more of these creeps … Yeah, I know it’s probably illegal … sigh!
Still, it could be fun.
You’re gonna delete this aren’t you Nat!
ha ha ha love the idea 😉
OMG……Phoenix! That hate-spewing ex displays classic narcissistic personality traits. He feels worthless so his goal was to try to make YOU feel worthless. He hates your self-sufficiency. He hates that he had to bum a ride. It is classic in that NPDers always say they hate things about other people that, when you look at the NPD, they do those very things they claim to hate!
I get how you can think about what he said and get VERY angry. How DARE he misjudge you. How DARE he judge you at all! Lesson learned here is : You can’t be nice to NPDers. You certainly can never expect them to acknowledge your niceness.
Oh…..and I am glad you declined the hug…because so many times we like to put on the act that we are Teflon and nothing these negative people do or say can affect us, so we act inauthentic and “play nice” when what we should be doing is saying “Oh, HELL NO, you don’t get a hug and you know what you CAN DO? Get the F out.” But you did the classy thing by declining politely. I’ve always been super polite, but I notice my polite fuse is shortening.
He is one totally screwed up unhappy individual , and should be given wide berth.
About being the executor…ignore your siblings. Tell them to buzz off..if your parents have named you in an official document, what’s done is done and they had their reasons. If this is just some word-of-mouth…well, nothing’s legally written so why fight over it. No need to put any mental energy there.
Exactly! What’s funny about the whole situation is that he is an abusive narcissistic liar & cheater. He has never been faithful to anyone his entire life and trust me he’s been in several relationships. Yet HE acts like the injured party when he’s unable to skate on his lies anymore.
He uses the classic “POG” theory in establishing a relationship. “P” is for pity – tells his sad life story to an unsuspecting “florence nightengale type woman” hoping to have her take him under their wing. “O” is for obligation – once you start to pull away when you start to notice him for who he is he tries to make you feel obligated to help him. “G” is for guilt – he tries to make you feel guilty for promising to be there for him.
Thank you for your comments – everyone’s feedback here is so helpful xo
Phoenix,
It is very understandable the weekend overdrive as you were verbally abused so traumatised you are in addition to everything else on top.
My heart goes out to you, please stay strong and this you can do by sorting each stress out one by one.
Warm hugs from me.
Thank you Gina xo I was up half the night again (insomnia due to menopause?) and decided to make a list of the stress I’ve been under these past 8 years.
I survived my husband having an affair for almost two years behind my back – forgave him & gave him another chance only to be taken for granted again & asked him to leave. I almost lost my oldest son due to him being attacked at school – he went through a glass window severing the main artery in his arm. Gods intervention saved him. My daughter battled cancer the past two years and is now cancer free. My youngest son was diagnosed with heart problems but with medication is now doing fine. My 40 year old home needed extensive renovations and along with my children we did them all ourselves ! We’ve learned to lay ceramic tile, laminate flooring and I learned how to replace plumbing! AND I survived an abusive ex boyfriend (not how I remembered him) showing up in my life at my most vulnerable time. And after writing all of this down last night I was humbled. Yes – it’s a HUGE amount of stress to go through BUT not only did I survive it all I am still a very happy grateful woman who feels very blessed. I know without a doubt that I am surrounded by God’s Angels. Whether spiritual ones I cannot see or the living ones I call friends xo
Wow Phoenix; alcoholic, bad work ethic, incapable of facing consequences of his actions, this piece of doodoo really showed you who he is. BTW, in most places, exes who “decide” they don’t have to pay child support anymore often find their sorry butts thrown in jail unless they pay up. Stay strong.
Phoenix,
That’s awful!
Interesting, how he could ask favors from someone that he thinks so little of. This guy is a using, abusing piece of garbage, and you are fortunate to be rid of him!
Don’t take it personally, as you and your friends know who you are.
Iwokeup, I still keep several pieces of jewelry my EU made for me while we were actively seeing each other. I wear them from time to time because I love how they look, and they represent good times he and I shared – and there were many of those, else why did I hang on to our r’ship as long as I did?
The time, creative spirit and yes, love, he put into making those pieces for me still resonates. However, I will say this – I did have to put the jewelry away for a while (several months!) before I could wear it without pain.
It’s YOUR jewelry, remember – do whatever makes YOU happy and at peace about it, luv.
Congratulations on the house AND the birthday, Nat! I recently bought and read your Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and it was a great help to me to do some internal spring-cleaning.
Moving house is a nightmare, but in a way it’s cathartic because you are forced to go through your place and make hard decisions and chuck stuff out.
It’s really an excellent analogy for moving on from a relationship. You make the decision, pack stuff up, cut off the ‘phone’ (obvious), ‘electricity’ (your fantasies/memories), ‘gas’ (his windbagging attempts to get you back) and CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS with those people you still care about.
The great thing about moving house/moving on is also that you have a brilliant excuse to eat fast food and/or go out to dinner, because the place is such a mess and you need a change of scene.
And once you settle into your new ‘home’, you can think about redecorating/painting … a whole new world … a whole new fascinating, demanding, wonderful process that leaves no room for worrying about old baggage. I would no more think about this now, than I would think about boxes of rubbish I threw out when I moved into my current place.
Hi Nat,
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through such a topsy turvey stressful time. Glad to hear your brother is out of hospital.though & big congrats on the new house. I smiled when you wrote someone NQR caught you on the wrong fecken week..Ahh, our wise woman is human after all I thought (kidding)! Anyway, sounds like you’ve come through flying colors. Good for you! x
Otherwise, an ex that still lives with his mum (& has never moved out – huh?) sent me a facebook message yesterday & we spoke on the phone with him wanting to be friends. I’ll.write more about this & what didn’t work out with him in the first place another time. Suffice to say after the stressors of recent years here & given I’m only gingerly starting to get back on my feet, I sent him a message saying what I really think, which is he badly broke my trust (seeming.to always disappear in.my times of greatest need), & that I’m now deeply wary of him, even as platonic friends. I also enforced my boundaries by not calling him bk b.c it was too.late at.night for me so he could ‘explain himself’ (ie he’s apologising now but my point to him has been, why now? If you really cared wouldn’t you have done this ages ago & also wouldn’t not have abandoned me when I most needed support? He’s yet to respond but keen to. I’ll be taking anything that comes out his mouth as meaningless & instead observing his behaviour 😉 )
I just said I will call in a week or two ‘when I have time’. He can now wait until the fancy takes me (as I don’t want to open the door to any uneccessary stress!) Meanwhile, I’m enjoying training my new dog & getting on w studies. Yay me!
Will keep ya’ll informed on this guy. There’s zero chance I’d date him again (too selfish, arrogant & immature for me) but I don’t know about the friends thing either. We have a lot in common but so what? He treated me not nicely in the past & I’m not rushing to forgive & forget! 😀
I have an update on this guy that ROCKS. I didn’t call back (after our first very brief phone contact, it wasn’t until after that that I told him what I really thought of him contacting me 2 years after the fact to ‘apologise’. He wanted an opportunity to spout BS in my ear after this and I was supposed to call him – when it suited me – to give him that chance)…
So what did I do? I sent him a message on fakebook instead saying, I wont be calling him because he has let me down and caused me distress in the past so I am not wanting to rekindle a ‘friendship’ with him! He replied with more of his same old BS – trying to sweetalk me) & I ignored that completely. I then deleted him off fakebook! (He only sent me the friend request 48 hoursa ago which I stupidly accepted). Too easy. Bye bye!!!
Ha!!! The past is in the past for a REASON!!! 😀
@TANGERINE
About deleting contacts, I did not delete his number or any of his contacts because I was too hurt, I was a mess, never been like that and I made a promise to myself that I will never be like that, because now I am well equipt with knowlege, even though I am still a work in progress. I wanted to learn not to contact him with all resources available, just to have that strength not to contact him. It was a tough experience.
I deleted them, after two months of no contact, now I have finished three months of NC. I still miss him a lot because I loved him so dearly, but now I know I deserve the best, and he did not give me the best.
It is not easy, I do not cry as often as before, now I feel confident that even if I can meet him on the street, I can just waive, give him my best smile and pass, before, I had the feeling that I would cry in front of him and ask him to love me. I was so desperate for his love, it was like he was the only man in this planet. Many thanks to you all and to Nat.
I was so stressed, very very stressed, I had to take a leave so that I can nurse myself like a baby, that is when I discovered the existence of this site and this wonderful people, at the end of those four weeks when I had to go back to work, I was much better, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did not meet you, life sometimes can be unfair to us with our beautiful hearts, who can love honestly without drama and games. But it was my learning point
Matlou,
I am only 2 weeks into NC after a slip up, so I am thrilled to hear you are 3 months in and feeling better. Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I know that I have been feeling like a mess and have also felt so desperate at times for him to validate, or hear me out, etc. The list goes on. I just finished reading Nat’s No Contact book. It helped me a lot. I know there is no way to just skip over the pain of this, but having people who understand and offer support here in this community helps so much. I am reminding myself daily that this too shall pass. I am also hoping to reach that point of indifference. One of my favourite lines from the book is about one day you go from no contact to just living your life. I am writing in my journal constantly and also trying to just baby myself. I hope to make this an empowering experience. Thanks for your reply.
Tangerine,
I can relate to how that felt.
I can remember the lists I made – and they were long – where I was going to tell him about himself, hoping he would realize what an asshole he was, and change. Thankfully, I was able to remain NC, and the day never came – now I know that it wouldn’t have made any difference, as the recognition and change must come from him.
All I could do was understand why I had put myself in that place, and question why I would still want to be with such an individual – I was in control of changing my own patterns and behaviors, not his. The only way this will pass sooner, is if you block all communication from this guy, keep busy with activities and friends and try to move forward with your life. If you allow the texts to come through or occasionally respond, YOU’RE sabotaging yourself. Lastly, when you feel weak, reflect on all the hurtful things he did to you.
Just found this, Allison. You are so right about exploring the issues around why this individual is so attractive and just keep working on moving forward. Thanks…lots to think about here,
All this discussion about “exes” trying to push the friendship envelope made me remember a clipping I took out of Cosmopolitan magazine back when I was in high school. It is a poem written by Danielle Steele, before she hit it big in the romance novel world. Here it is:
HE CALLS
And now, at last, he calls
In tears, in fears, in dread
Instead of having loved me then.
He calls me now,
in pain, in grief, in guilt,
with endless sorrow for the old cruelties he once enjoyed so much.
I remember….
and now I answer him with caution, with a sigh….
a distant something in my eye,
not quite a tear,
no longer love,
almost anger,
yet
not
quite
hate,
too late…….
he asks if I will see him and I answer
cowardly,
vague,
muttering “don’t think I can”
to this
pitiful,
not quite,
too late,
guilty
man.
love this poem….thanks for sharing
I am going to pour my heart on here. Its cathartic. Firstly, thanks Nat for bringing up the importance of tuning into what the heck is going on within. Paying attention to what the weather is like internally I like to say. There is such a pressure on us women from the way we have been raised/socialized, to media cues, to act like we have it all together and that everything is all right. Not so show anger, frustration, that we are pissed. I was also indirectly raised to subdue myself and not show my negative emotions by my parents. At 34, I am just giving myself permission to be angry and to show healthy aggression/negative emotions. I notice that I met the most unsavory guys in my past when I was under some sort of stress or unhappy about something that I couldn’t do anything about at the moment. So at that time, these guys were a welcomed distraction as Nat said. However that only lasted for a moment and at the end of it all, dealing with them left me more taxed and in a bigger emotional deficit than I started. I remember 3 times in particular where I was dealing with a guy and as soon my personal stress/issue was resolved or I finally achieved what I wanted personally, and thus felt better about me, I moved on. I felt me being in this new phase in my life and still hanging around these guys made as much sense as a fish on a treadmill. So that lets me know in my heart of hearts what I felt about me and these guys. I felt and had to work through so much hurt from my past but let me tell all you ladies something. The comforting thing is that NONE of the guys I dealt with in the past were the ‘one that got away’ lol. That’s for sure! I affectionately refer to them as ‘training wheels’. How’s that one for the BR dictionary!
ljrsmissy,
I know how you feel. When I did some self-evaluation about the guys I dated, while all of them weren’t AC, really didn’t see myself with any of them in the future. But I also realized how unavailable emotionally I was at that time.
I was never mean or cruel to any of them per se. Some of them it got a little tense at the end because they were trying to play me, but for the most part it ended with me just moving on. Like Nat said, we owe many thanks to the AC/EUM because they teach you about the type of people you are choosing to deal with and hopefully help you to avoid them in the future.
After much self eval, and in relation to the negative experiences with guys in the past, I ultimately had to ask myself why did I give my mind, time, energy, and body to guys that I was not happy with? I am a very loving, passionate woman and I hold the kind of loving connection that I want to have, share, and experience in my heart. I have for the longest time. So the question was knowing this, what in da hell was I doing with these guys?!!! What was I doing in those situations? Growing up I had learned how to disconnect and numb myself in order to get through growing up with some sanity intact. I learned how to take emotional and verbal abuse like a champ. I learned how to function in the midst of abuse. Taught to me initially by my parents. Those experiences left me feeling like a lost and abandoned puppy looking for a loving home. I took this into my young adult years. Let me say it again, I was a lost and abandoned puppy looking for a loving home. Just wanting somebody to take me in and love me. Working hard to show potential owners how I could be an asset to their household. Most of what I found were people who were willing to let me hang around as long as they could say what they wanted to me. As soon as I stood up for myself… they said time to go. I had no real ‘picker’, again, I was looking for a ‘loving home’. All of those painful experiences were carbon copies of the dynamic of me and my parents. Namely my mother. I have been through so much with her and I got to the place where I had to decide whether it was going to be me or her and I chose me…
Ljsrmissy,
I love that little dog; I like the little dog. The little dog is precious and beautififul and deserving.
I just don’t know what the little dog needs to be happy, and not feel so lonely.
I guess I’m still disconnected from myself in some way. There must be something I need I’m not giving to myself; only I don’t know what that is.
I’m one little dog who is tired of looking outside of myself for it. I know I’m not going to find it in a man or meetup group or with friends. It’s not going to be filled with kids or a great job, or intellectual stimulation, fame, or fortune. I’d like to think maybe it could be God. Feeling God makes me feel good, but
I know whatever it is that will bring me peace is going to come from me.
Yet, I still get tempted to go inside a stranger’s home when I pass an AC’s chest I think I can rest my head on. I still want to rest my head on a man’s chest, and feel like I’m home.
But, I know I have to rest my head on my own chest.
I wish God would come down from heaven and hold my hand. I need to feel Him. How could He not know that? Why did he leave me here alone?
I’m facing this loneliness, and I’ll face it as long as it takes me to figure out what I need to give me. Other people have done it; that’s all I know; that’s all I want to know.
If the only thing I have to fear is fear itself, then I’m ready. I can’t do anything else, but try. These are the cards I was dealt; I want to be happy.
I want to just be enough for ME; I just want to be happy all by myself.
I’ve finished searching.
Mirror, you are not alone. He has not left you. He is always with you and loves you. Reach out to Him and feel His love. He never leaves us. When you are alone and feel scared and feel that no one loves you, He always does and is always right there next to you.
Sofia,
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m a bit of an emotionally available mess right now.
You’re absolutely right; God has always been there for me; I’ve been talking to Him eversince I was a liitle girl. He’s in me, and I need to remember to reach for Him.
Funny, right after I wrote my post, my best friend appears out of nowhere, bearing my favorite morning treats. He said he was concerned when I didn’t answer his text. We ended up spending the afternoon together. It was fun.
Being emotionally available is really driving me nuts, but I feel “oh so much joy.” I hope I find my legs soon because….
I hope you are enjoying your weekend Sofia,
Mirror
Thank you, Mirror.
I don’t know how I could live without the Faith. I don’t need to say much. I know we understand each other what that means.
You will make it through. You have the best support in you and with you.
“His Eye Is On The Sparrow”
(feat. Tanya Blount)
[Tanya Blount:]
Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me
[Lauryn Hill:]
I sing because I’m happy
I sing because I’m free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches
[Tanya:] He watches me
[Lauryn:] His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches
[Tanya:] I know he watches
[Lauryn:] I know he watches me
[Lauryn & Tanya:]
I sing because I’m happy
I sing because I’m free
His eye is on the sparrow
[Lauryn:] And I know he watches me
[Tanya:] He watches me
[L&T:] His eye is on the sparrow
[Tanya:] And I know he watches me
[Lauryn:] He watches me
[Tanya:] He watches me, I never thought…
[L&T:] He watches me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Pk5YMkEcg
<3~~~~~<3~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :o)~~~~ =o)~~~~~~~ <3~~~~~~~<3
On Leaving Sugar land,
I love this song.
I’ve been clinging to my values lately, as I make some really tough decisions.
I know I am nothing without my Faith.
I’m not a Saint, nor do I believe God intended me to be, but I’m really clear: I need my Faith.
~~~€>~~~~~€>~~~Bo)~~~~:o), Mirror
@ljsrmissy
I can quite well relate to your experience……may be I was looking for a loving home too, my story is like this:
I have a sister, who is 53 now, who never worked in her life. It is true she is a widow, but she has no reason why she cannot work. My mother tried to force us (me and my siblings) to surport her (my sister and her 4 kids). We refused because she is not disabled, from that time my mother decided not to give us her love, because she said if we cannot help her ‘CHILD’ we should not help her too, in any way. She would take every thing we bought for her and give it to our sister, and afterwards claim to our relatives and family friends that she is suffering because we (me and my other siblings) are not helping her. My sister could just give our clothes (just an example) to anybody without our consent, but she will walk away with it because my mother would always remind us that my sister was helping the family while the husband was still alive.
I hate the word WIDOW with passion because everyday when my mother had to intervene between us and our sister, she would say “please understand that she is a widow”, so the widow was a very valid excuse when she lied, cheat, manipulate etc, the family was devided because of that, and we never received our mothers love. What hurt me the most is that we (black sheeps) are the ones who is nursing her now (our mother) as she is in her 80s. Where is she? (My sister) who had all the attention and love? life can be so unfair.
I think that child in me is still crying for that love, but as I have been strong then, I will be strong now, more especially because I am aware of this wolves
Yep, waking up in the middle of the night, with heart racing, thinking about all the stuff I am behind on, the mess the house/grounds are in, all the stuff I have to deal with about my dad. Also overwhelming guilt about not having done more for him, having missed our twice monthly conversations, as per his strict routine, due to other stuff going on that day, being out of reception, etc. On top of this, school starts soon, I dread it. Someone I had met on line last year who had experienced severe trauma years ago which affected his ability to function in a rship all of a sudden wants to step up to the plate, something that oughta happened about a year ago. Feel really trapped right now, on many fronts. Know I just have to take it one day at a time, get as much done as I can every day.
Just posting here instead of responding to the texts I am getting. This is the first time I have not responded. I feel a little afraid of releasing the crumbs, you know? I also feel rude that I am not just saying I am done. How crazy is that? I just finished the No Contact Rule book yesterday…funny how the timing works. They almost know. Hoping I can trust myself to stay strong and not answer. Nice to have venting here as an option. thanks
Tangerine,
Why haven’t you blocked?
Allison, good question. I guess I wanted to feel like I could choose not to respond. I probably am just choosing more drama 🙁
Tangerine
Keep venting here but still block his a$$. Some folks cannot take a hint and you have to be totally unambiguous with them.
Noquay,
When a love interest disappears in our time of genuine need, reappearing months or years later, suddenly to apologise, their ACTIONS have already spoken far louder than their (now fake) words. Next to honesty, the most important quality I am looking for in a mate is someone with INTEGRITY. Ppl w integrity don’t disappear (usually after we call them out on shoddy treatment of us) & then reappear a long time afterwards expecting us to have forgotten about this & to forgive them. I’ve essentially just told a guy trying to do this to tell someone who cares – I don’t! Our vulnerability during challenging times calls for additional effort to both protect & care for ourselves. No matter what excuses these guys give (including ‘one time in bandcamp’ stories, trotted out in an attempt to just the unjustifiable) a person with high self esteem would not accept this crapola. It’s a very tansparent attempt at manipulation & totally unacceptable dealbreaker behaviour. End of. Xx
teachable,
I agree wholeheartedly! Sometimes they have the nerve to comeback and don’t even bother to apologize. They just comeback acting like they just met you that day! If you disappear then just stayed disappeared! If you really care just leave well enough alone instead of trying to cause confusion.
teachable,
“It’s a very transparent attempt at manipulation….”
That’s exactly what I was thinking, as I sat staring at an email sent to me by the man in my bastud-box. It wasn’t the first time he’s tried to manipulate me. It’s funny, not ha-ha funny, it’s actually more eerie that I’m completely aware of his tactics, but he still manipulates me, or perhaps this is the point where I am allowing him to do it because I want something from him.
I was wondering how many of us here clearly see the manipulation; yet, still decide to take the tryst.
If one lacks self-awareness or is vulnerable or …, the mind might miss it or choose to ignore it, but when I can so clearly identify it, how could I possibly ignore it?
I just really had to ask myself what the hell do I want from this guy, and “When in the hell are you going to throw that box away and stop carrying it around?”
I feel most drawn to him when he is being kind, and when he is teaching me something I didn’t know. It feels supportive because the help feels valid. I’m drawn to really strong men, who can teach me something. It’s twisted and a bit sick because I realize I’m seeking the few moments I felt good about my father. My father was a degenerate–a highly educated, intelligent, first class, successful, ambitious, well-liked and well-hated, adulterous,…, psychopathic bastud, but we had these rare moments where he would teach me something I didn’t know; he was parenting me in those moments, and it was actually good parenting, filled with wisdom. But he was still a sick f–k.
I hate to admit it because I feel ashamed of my feelings, but I wanted that sick f–k to love me. I didn’t like my father. I don’t like my father. The sight of him disgusted me, only to be outdone by his actions, but there is a part of me that wanted his love, and I feel compelled to tell that truth and embrace that part of me. It’s a part of my own self-acceptance. I was a little girl and later a big girl who wanted her father.
I mistook my attraction to this guy as a sexual attraction; I’m not physically attracted to him. I made him out to be more than what I actually know he is, (I just met this dude), the whole fanntasy thing.
As I now stare into the face of a a giant stuffed yellow rabbit, I’m contemplating how to give those quiet, soft, gentle moments of parenting to myself. Yet, I think understanding the attraction is the real key to breaking this pattern. Yet I also feel compelled to just smile at the memory of those moments with my dad with a new found appreciation and gratitude in the good in them, but the danger is they were crumbs, rare crumbs…ack!
Feck, I don’t want crumbs!
A guy who gives me rare moments of kindness! F–k that!
OK, so scratch that, crumbs aren’t enough. My dad only gave me crumbs, so I’m used to crumbs, so I can be coaxed with crumbs.
That’s pretty crummy!
You know common sense and practical solutions can serve one well:. I just need to throw this box in the trash.
Anyway, I didn’t respond to his email because I told ME, “You need to just stay the hell away from this guy,” and I decided to listen.
Translation: I need to stop dating my dad. *feeling like vomiting*
Wow Mirror,
I could have written this if only I was as articulate as you!
Mirror
My situation was a weird anti- parallel to yours. My dad was very good looking, uneducated but bright, had little self discipline, was an incredibly emotionally absent parent. I wasn’t disgusted with him so much as frustrated and sad for the waste of human potential. I learned what not to do from him and what to avoid in any man in my life. Any hint of passive/aggressive behavior, explosive temper, cheating, alcoholism, unhealthy lifestyle, being anti education/intellectual; all these things are avoided like the plague. I date men pretty much dads opposite but yep, do connect too strongly with men that claim to admire my intellect, admire what I do in life, can demonstrate strong outdoor/environmental values. Yep, I have to be careful not to respond to crumbs, hard when the past few years of my life has been mostly crumbs or nothing much. Do my best to avoud problem children; still people have issues, lives are messy.
Teach
Guess I didn’t express myself clearly. This is the dude that is parallel to Tinkerbells “Mr. Special”, guy I met over a year ago on line, said he was looking for a LTR and it turned out his trauma has left him not only somewhat emotionally distant, but (ahem), things don’t work so well belowstairs. I kept him on as a friend and yep, he has been there for me about as much as he is able. He rushed me to the airport when things went south with dad (2.5 hr drive) and I woulda missed the plane otherwise. He encourages me to talk about my dad, stays here as a friend. He decided to have “the talk” after one year of knowing me. I flat out told him I assumed he really wasn’t attracted to me given his lack of emotional presence and not responding sexually so I let it go, enjoyed his companionship, but no longer invested emotionally. He accused me of doing too much, being too exhausted for a rship. Yep, I am the one with the career, the small farm, who does her own carpentry. He is self employed and can barely operate a screwdriver. Yep, at times I am tired but I also function both in daily life as well as under the sheets. So we gave it a try as bf/gf these past few days and it’s the same problem and it ain’t me. I would agree; if someone found out about dad, then just decided to chance his hand, as Nat says, that would be manipulation and worse. Ironically, I did get a message from an ex during this time and yep, twas ignored for the waste of words that it was. If current dude wants to toss me aside after this last week, fine. Tis him with the medical issue, not me and I don’t care to be blamed for it.
QUEEN LYRICS
“Under Pressure”
Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets
It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, “Let me out!”
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people – people on streets
Chippin’ around, kick my brains ’round the floor
These are the days – it never rains but it pours
People on streets – people on streets
It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, “Let me out!”
Tomorrow gets me higher, higher, higher…
Pressure on people – people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?
Love
Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..
‘Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWdLt3Afjrg
It is true that handling with stress is very difficult sometimes.. me for example – I just start being bad ass, fighting with everybody, feeling insecure and bad looking; and I don’t eat…Lately, like now when I am 29, I understood that I do it myself- the stress and its consequences; and that I need to find the right way to relax…then I started feeling better and happier.
Now I think that was really late, but I still woke up and I can be better since…living some things and learning from them is part of our lives, isn’t it? If we wake up from our bad dreams of course.