It’s happened to the best of us, some of us over and over again. You meet this guy, totally click and start dating. However, something happens and the relationship ends to your uttermost surprise and dismay. At times, you can see the breakup coming for weeks, even months; however other times it’s a total shocker.
Using the five stages of grief, let’s explore the feelings and emotions that we go through.
Denial: This can’t be happening to me. He’s not serious. He’s kidding. This has got to be a joke. He’s going to call me tomorrow and everything is going to be ok. We are going to be ok, our relationship is not over!
Anger: WTF??? Crazy MF!! He’s such a sleazy dog. Who does he think he is? Breaking up with me? I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and then some. What about everything I did for him? Ungrateful wretch. Stupid bastard – ARRRRGH!
Bargaining: Maybe we should just be friends. Perhaps friends with benefits. I would rather just be his booty call than nothing at all. I need to still have him in my life, in any way shape or form. I’m not willing to let go.
Depression: Wow, I can’t believe it’s really over. I can’t breathe. My life will never be the same. My heart is broken, it’s hurting physically. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep. I can’t live without him.
Acceptance: I’m so glad he’s gone. God knows I am so much better without him. After all, there are many other fish in the sea. I’m moving on, a stronger, wiser, phenomenal woman. I refuse to settle for rubbish. I want my Mr. Right.
I’m sure that we have been through some of these emotions, if not all. Some people move through the five stages pretty quickly, some people need more time than others to process, heal and reach acceptance. But eventually you have to bear in mind that you will get to the end of the tunnel.
I read an article a while back that stated that it takes about half of the time you were with the person to really get them out of your system. So say if you dated Whatshisface for 6 months, in three months you should be back to your darling self with him just a distant memory. I’ve actually practiced this religiously in my last few breakups and have realized that when I reach that date, I’m already soooo over him and moved on to someone else.
I have a friend that believes that rebound relationships help you get over the dumper quicker than anything else. You have all the fresh romantic feelings for a new crush and you end up spending your time with him, leaving you not too lonely. Bear in mind that this can be a double edged sword, with your rebound guy having intense feelings for you that you just aren’t emotionally ready for.
However, loneliness can be a good thing, it’s the loneliness that compels you to get out of the rut and move on with your life. Also, some time alone can help you reorganize your priorities, recharge your batteries and renew your mind and spirit. You can figure out your likes and dislikes, what makes you happy and focus more on yourself.
Personally, I use a strict schedule to get over a guy. At times, it can be hard moving on to the next stage but I just fake it until I feel it. Feel free to adapt this as you see fit.
Week One: Anger and denial, call all my girlfriends and give them the scoop. Have male bashing session, ice-cream party and ritual burning of ex’s pictures, cards, etc. Still might talk to him depending on how emotional I am but try not to. Need lots of positive female interaction this week and talk a lot with my girls, as they help me to realize truly what an ass he is.
Week Two: Hide the phone, because if not I’m going to call the dumper. Under no circumstances do I call him, if I feel that I simply must call him, I shall call one of my girlfriends instead. Box up all his stuff and have them sent to his place (preferably mailed). All other mementos of relationship get boxed up and hidden far far away so that I won’t look over them and mope. If needed, give them to a friend until you know you are emotionally better. Resume normal life activities as much as possible (this is very important to me). Attend social events that focus on learning and bonding with friends.
Week Three: Therapeutic shopping spree. Break into my nest egg and shop till I drop. Buy new sexy clothes and shoes. Also get hair and nails done, facial, hair cut, massage, whatever your heart desires….Total makeover! You are a goddess and you deserve it.
Week Four: Have my Coming Out party. A bonafide party or night out that you chat up and kiss every single man that your heart fancies. Renew male acquaintances, dust off your little black book, wear those cute clothes you bought, party hardy, start going out on dates, and get back into the dating pool.
Now you know, once in a while, the slimy turd does come back, begging you to come back to him. I can’t tell you what to do but in my experience, the reason you guys broke up is still there and will still arise in the future. My mother told me something quite graphic that has stuck to my mind until this day. Never be to a man like a dog returning to its vomit.
So go ahead, watch those sappy movies, and listen to those sad, sad songs. Eat gallons of ice cream and cry all you want. Do whatever you have to do to get over the jerk, just bear in mind that he isn’t worth your emotional health. Make sure you do pick up the pieces and move on.
Remember, there can be a lot of men that you can settle for but there is only one that’s truly right for you.
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