“My ex of almost 5 years ago is currently single and sniffing around. I ran into him recently which is not hard where I live, and he was all googly-eyed over me. We have not had much contact in the past 5 years due to the fact he ripped my heart out and we both started dating other people. I recently (2 years ago) found out that he had cheated on me with two girls, both whom I knew, during our relationship. When I questioned him during our relationship he made out that I was a jealous paranoid girlfriend. Hmmmm, always go with your gut instinct huh!
This bothered me at first but now I am kinda over it…only to find out that those two girls weren’t the only ones! (Why do people tell me these things now? This p*sses me off as they should have told me back then – friends my ass!) So now he is sniffing around and I wonder about us and if it would make me feel better to get all this out and talk about the past? Would it even be worth my while to try and talk to him about this and other unresolved issues we have, or should I just let a sleeping dog lie??? I don’t ever see us back together and I definitely don’t want to sleep with him – there is no desire for that. So if you could please, please give me any kind of advice before I go doing something that doesn’t need to be done. I would feel better to get this all off my chest though but don’t know if I could do it face to face without being emotional. “
NML says: Kinda over him?! Get over this guy before he hurts you again. There are a number of things taking place here and the overriding thing for you is that you appear to be looking for answers, for closure. Five years on, I’m not sure you’ll get them and on top of that, he has been a two-timing, dishonest fool. A lot of time has passed and he is unlikely to be honest now because he is already sniffing around.
Personally I feel that in this situation you have nothing to gain by having this discussion with him.
1 – His ego and character will interpret your willingness to discuss as a sign of interest and the subject matter will definitely make him believe that you’re still emotionally invested in him.
2 – What do you really stand to learn or gain from having this discussion with him? You may think it will give you answers and closure, but considering what this guy has done, it may throw it up more questions and create more hurt.
3 – I think that the facts speak for themselves without him opening his mouth. Not only is he a lowlife, but he’s one that likes fish from your pool of friends when he cheats. Not only is he dishonest, a cheat, and a chancer, but he clearly has no respect for you. This is exemplified even more by the way he has started sniffing around you again as if you’re a soft target.
The best thing that you could do for yourself is cut contact, accept the facts for what they are, and move on. Tell your friends that their brand of friendship would have served you best when you were with him and that you don’t want to hear about what he was doing back then – you aready know enough to know that he doesn’t deserve you and that he shouldn’t be let back into your life. I wouldn’t engage in any discussions with him and he will get the message eventually if you remain firm and strong. Right now he is testing the waters to see if he can still have you in the palm of his hand.
Remember that you can’t resolve every issue and that sometimes you just have to move on with some unanswered questions. Five years is a long time and I think you should leave him way back in your past where he belongs. If you really feel you need to get it off your chest, write a letter pouring out everything you feel…get it off your chest…but don’t post it. Burn it instead. Many people find that they just need to get the thoughts out of there head.
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This one comes down to a simple choice, and a bit of advice.
Advice: He won’t change, he probably doesn’t understand, really, what loyalty and integrity are, or why you would care about character in your partner. He is also highly skilled at attracting others — he will *not* be abandoning life skills that give him rewards (i.e., he won’t be changing).
The choice. Either accept that any contact with Bozo will *certainly* end up in bed. Accept that you will be vicariously be sharing sexual contact with multiple women, and anything contagious they might have to share. Accept that Bozo will only be available for limited contact, limited obligations, limited responsibilities You might even consider asking Bozo to just bring the fan club home with him for you to meet directly. I read somewhere that some relationships get into some interesting tangles. And accept that, like an alcoholic, Bozo is *not capable* of telling the truth. This is not the same as lying, lying usually has a goal or a point.
Or, you can decide you want to count your direct and indirect sexual partners on the fingers of one hand, with the thumb and three fingers folded down.
A final hint: Don’t talk to him about change, about what happened, about lies, etc. Since he has proven himself incapable of telling the truth, there is nothing to discuss. Decide for yourself, and go whichever way you choose. He won’t need or understand an explanation.
OK, a last, really final hint: Don’t look for guys that are really slick at attracting partners. No matter how pleasant they are, they have developed a life skill that is poison to a long term relationship.
This is poison. What would give you closure and how realistic is this? Him saying sorry? The best closure is that he still wants you, you know the truth and you turn on your heal with a laugh in your heart. Now that is closure. I suggest you take a good look at yourself and ask why this is so important 5 yrs later? Start living in the present and be happy it ended back then.
I had a ‘closure’ moment a year and half ago when I saw an old ex of mine after two years. I had fallen hard for him – and even moved back to his home country (germany) in order to see him and somehow convince him we should be together. To make things short, I ended up meeting another german guy (who was even crazier but the relationship lasted two years and ended recently). But the ex lives in the same town as my aunt, so I was visiting her with my then boyfriend.
I got drunk, cried, expressed the hurt he had caused me by never reciprocating my feelings of love. My then boyfriend thought I had gone crazy. I also got really drunk and then left the party we were all out, in below zero weather, called my dad from overseas and told him I was going to lie down in a field and die from exposure to cold and that I ‘love him’.
Looking past all the obvious issues that I have (and am now trying to work through with help from NML’s book), the ‘closure’ wasn’t really a closure at all. It was an unpleasant reminder of how strong of an effect this EUM assclown still had on me. Why would I worry about someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me?
And furthurmore, if he ever really cared about you, he wouldn’t have done those things to begin with (cheating). So basically you’ll be having a one-sided conversation with someone that doesn’t have any feelings – whatsoever. He won’t sympathize, apologize, or change his opinion of what happened…you’ll just feel pathetic again.