This time last week, I shared I was coming out of a meltdown of sorts. I’d listened to the opening keynote speaker at my friend’s conference, Blogtacular, and in my hangry, hanxious (thanks to BR reader Arlena for that one), tired, and stressed state, I went on a comparison binge.
On reflection, one thing that forced me to come back to earth was knowing I had to deliver the keynote at 5pm the following day. Bailing wasn’t an option (not that it didn’t pass my mind for a moment), so my alternatives were to continue melting down and let my inner critic win or to work on pulling myself together and preparing for the keynote.
Let me assure you, this wasn’t easy. But over the years, I’ve learned how to healthily self-soothe so that how I feel right now doesn’t become a crisis that rumbles on due to me overfeeding fear, anxiety, comparison, etc. Experience has taught me that my old ways of berating me or being reliant on external solutions only creates more problems. I want to share a few quick insights into how I got through a hellish twenty-four hours. I say ‘quick’ because I can’t type for too long. While washing my hair a couple of days ago, my neck and shoulder suddenly locked. Cue screams of pain and thankfully, Em was home, and he rushed me to my osteopaths. I’m supposed to be resting… Anyway, here goes.
Unsurprisingly, I ate as soon as I could. and it didn’t take long for the sense of turmoil to calm down. It didn’t disappear but my perspective shifted. I scribbled notes (see below) until after midnight and then fell asleep watching Will and Grace – I’m currently watching series 5 on Amazon TV. Hail Karen and Jack.
I acknowledged that I was extremely overtired, I’d tried to do too much that day, and was/am stressed. We often forget to do this very basic thing, as if we expect to be normal when we’re hungry/tired/stressed. Like a lot of people, I also hadn’t considered the sum total of what I’m dealing with.
It all still feels a bit raw and we’re still in the dark about the exact cause(s), but my brother, the middle one of three, was sectioned two weeks ago. Mental health issues affect many people and their families and we’re feeling our way through it and supporting him. The visits have been hilarious in parts, like when he suggested that he’d have my mum sectioned and she quipped, “Alright then! I could do with the rest! Get them here now!” and quickly diffused what could have gone in a very different direction, but they’ve also quickly taken a turn for the worse in other parts. I remember when he was born and taking care of and looking out for him. It breaks my heart that he’s going through this and I just want him to get better. To add to things, we’ve also dealt with our landlord selling the house to our next door neighbour and us now being in the process of buying a house, plus other life stresses, and I realise that I need to be extra vigilant with self-care and being conscious, aware, and present.
Don’t berate you for being tired, stressed, hungry etc, or not being able to respond to these in superhuman fashion. They exist as cues to remind us to take care of ourselves and listen. What’s the point in beating you up for not having the perfect response?
I kept saying, “I am safe, I am secure”, whenever the anxiety popped up, and this helped me to focus on reality instead of my imagination and inner critic. Thanks Louise L. Hay.
I journaled. I tend to carry a notebook with me. I wrote about how I was feeling and immediately saw flaws in the way I was regarding me. I knew it was not rational or current me talking, plus I was able to alter my perspective and organise my thoughts. It was a healthy distraction, very calming and what I wrote ended up providing inspiration and material for my keynote.
I acknowledged that a lot of my turmoil was my inner critic trying to spare me from failure, rejection and humiliation. That was the truth, not what ‘it’ said. The thing is, listening to your inner critic will leave you feeling very small, plus complying with it is a betrayal of your true self. Once you recognise what it thinks that it’s trying to do, you can then take assertive action to help you out. Those things it thinks that it’s sparing you from, are the very things that it causes you to feel when you listen to it. It’s as if it thinks, Hey, I’ll give it all to you now as a taster but it will be much easier then getting it from a new crowd/person, but your inner critic doesn’t represent the truth – you do. If you listen, you will feel all of the things you think it’s trying to spare you from, right now, and then when things calm down and you recognise the self-fulfilling prophecy, you feel frustrated, angry and even ashamed.
I focused on evidence that supported me, not trying to support thoughts and feelings that didn’t positively support me.
I got up early and spent the money prepping. Okay and veering between calm and panic. But I gave myself time to get myself together. The more I did, the quieter my inner critic got.
I talked. I’m not alone in what I go through. Turns out that not only do my friends go through it (and BR readers) but there was a conference full of people who have their own comparison and imposter moments.
I owned up to what I went through. It would be disingenuous of me to speak to over two hundred people about the perils of comparison, if I didn’t mention that I’d sat in that very room the night before and felt my guts gripping me in fear as I temporarily diminished and forgot myself. In sharing this, I felt a ripple of recognition in the room and have heard from so many people who relate to having insecure moments.
I acknowledged my progress. Even if you cannot immediately ‘fix’ a situation, easing your discomfort in a healthy way is important, as is acknowledging the usefulness of it. Note where you’re experiencing even a little relief – a little goes a long way. It’s unrealistic to expect that a problem can be eliminated immediately.
When we compare, we are not being kind to ourselves. Sometimes we do it just for the hell of it, as if it’s a great way of filling up spare time, but it’s an emotional, mental, and physical drain. Go easy on the ‘shoulds’ – they’re not actual rules.
When the comparison thoughts kick in, mentally pull over on the side of the road before you lose control of you. The more time spent recognising you for who you truly are and navigating your own journey, is the less time spent filling up on someone else’s.
Your thoughts?
PS I ended up typing for ages!
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After a certain age, it’s a waste of time to compare. I made choices throughout my life, as did my siblings and friends. The outcome was based largely on our choices. My wonderful older sister is high-strung overachiever, and she became an assistant attorney general of our state. Sometimes you can’t even come close to topping something like that, so I feel pride in my sister and rejoice in knowing at her house I get to drink vintage wine, watch her enormous TV, and gladly accept her designer label hand-me downs. I don’t compare myself to her or envy her–she had to work a dog to get where she is, and she envies my laid back life as an artist and writer.
To me, it’s all about choices. I love what I have because I chose what I got.
Annoying traits like envy, comparisons,jealousy and greed will make a person crazier than a rat in a coffee can.
We are all better at some things and worse at some things.
It all evens out in the end.
P.S. Natalie in addition to hanxious, try hornery. I’ll let you figure out the definition. 😉
Hi Natalie. Wow…did your post resonate with me! I love your blog and recommend it to my clients all the time. I teach dialectical behavior skills in my private practice and self-soothing is a major one we use to tolerate a distressful situation. I love how you linked it to not making things worse. I love the tips you gave, and I will pass them on and continue to encourage my clients to subscribe. You’re amazing!
Thanks Linda for commenting. I looked at your site. I am going to get the book, “The turn around mom”. Breaking generational cycles is such a challenge! Your own story is amazing! I hope your health is good. I found out yesterday that I have osteo arthritis in my neck… my neck too, Natalie was giving me hell. I am fortunate though and know it when I hear what others go through. Thanks
Natalie,
I am wondering if there is any way to hear your presentation at Blogtacular. I would like to listen if there is a way
I have a good life and majority of the time I am happy but sometimes the smallest things send me into a tail spin. Today I heard a lovely 70 year old tell someone about her impending marriage with someone she found on Match!!!! As happy I was I wonder why her and not me. I two advanced degrees, well read, financial independence, kind, loyal, love with all my heart and seemingly attractive (or at least I’ve told) so I wonder is this not enough…
This article has be deep in thought tonight. I have a lot of soul searching to do.
confused
I know what you mean about match, those sites have not worked for me either and it’s good to know it can happen, even when you are 70! I think the dating sites are hard on self esteem. I just had a date with a man, who wanted to see me the next day, I couldn;t, so we set a date for the day after. We met at a restaurant, before going into the restaurant, he pulled me aside and told me he was cancelling the date becasue he got together with someone else yesterday and they kissed!! So, that’s not a reason to cancel a date if don’t even know her, as he said it was a second date like ours. Who knows what actually happened but i was so mad becasue i got ready, full make-up and walked to meet him in uncomfortable shoes. He stood me up in person..not cool. I have lots of other similar stories, but I am on match becasue they gave me 6 mths for free becasue nothing happened in the first 6 mths. I’m not going to do online dating anymore. As I said, hard on the self esteem and like you I think I have a lot going for me, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I have been told that there are way more women on the sites then men. Good luck.
@ Confused, I feel exactly like you…but I did not join any dating sites as I am not ready (still “recovering” from experiences with my two last ACs) but as Natalie pointed out, I can’t stop comparing myself with others, I have my own flat, degrees, financially independent and all by myself and even do not want to register anywhere and meet anyone. Wow, even 70 years old met her soulmate, good for her…do not lose hope, keep looking, don’t give up!
@CC, sorry about your date, what an a@@, his lost, someone else’s gain! One of my friends on Match.com, she was so fed up to meet players, and now she became a player herself, and she keeps three guys, and none of them know about each other, good for her. What is the point to be faithful, no one appreciate it! I wish you luck with dating x
Thanks Little Star
confused123
“… why her and not me. I two advanced degrees, well read, financial independence, kind, loyal, love with all my heart and seemingly attractive…”
What you DO has nothing to do with your worth. I am not impressed with a man’s accomplishments (to the degree that I wanna get horizontal with him, anyways).
Character is attractive but again, not proof of your worth. You are FINE. Why her and not you? I envy those in happy partnerships too, Confused, but that I am not in one atm says little about me and I certainly don’t EXPECT to find a man because that will only set me up for disappointment. Better to accept things as they are.
CC
“…he pulled me aside and told me he was cancelling the date because he got together with someone else yesterday and they kissed!! So, that’s not a reason to cancel a date if don’t even know her…”
This seems to be courtesy to me… am I missing something? If I kissed a man, I think I would like to think he isn’t dating someone else the next day.
Get better shoes please… you only get two feet!
Little Star
“What is the point to be faithful, no one appreciate it!”
I appreciate it. And I do not think I will ever change in that respect. However, it is frightening to think that relationships are becoming disposable.
@ Rachael
He could have sent me a message on the site, that’s how we were communicating. I did not need to get ready and go there to be stood up in person. That would have been more coureous to me.
CC,
It wasn’t courtesy on his part, it was strategic. What he really meant was, “I just found out I might get laid tonight, so I have to cancel.” He was hedging his bets. I have a feeling she was meeting him at the same place or at least soon after so he played it out pretty sneaky, but made it like he was being honest and fair to you. I don’t buy it. Sorry you got dressed up and all for that to happen. It must be disappointing, but at least you know sooner than later that he is a creep. And it IS rude to cancel a date AT the restaurant when you show up dressed up and hair done, etc. Very rude to waste your time like that. Don’t lose heart CC.
Thanks Selkie,
Interesting point, you are probably right!
CC,
I’m sorry you were hurt, and I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t feel too triggering to you. But what it sounds like is that he was *trying* to do the right thing, albeit maybe in a slightly clueless way.
I guarantee that, because he’s a guy, he didn’t think about the effort you took to put your make up on and get dressed up and put on uncomfortable shoes. I’m just saying, yes it sucked, but it likely wasn’t an intentional slight.
Maybe see it as a gift? You were spared a guy who would have chosen someone else. His loss.
It’s interesting how we all have such different takes on this. I think the canceling wasn’t the issue for me and was within the realistic scope of dating and the reason was fair enough, but it’s the way he did it and to wait until the very last minute. I find it a bit dramatic to do that at the restaurant on a second date. If he had messaged her earlier she could of made other plans. I don’t think he’s a gentleman, but more like he’s a bit clueless and self absorbed. But hey, I could be wrong, I myself am clueless about men sometimes.
Rachel:
You are right. My worth has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with who I am with. My approach to dating lately has been to have as much fun as possible (and by fun I do not mean sex). Nothing may come of my dates and something may come of it. Either way I have limited control over what happens so I’m going with the flow and having fun. 🙂
CC
I agree with Rachael I thought it was very thoughtful of him. I had the exact same thing happen to me. I was meant to get coffee with someone but he had a great second date with someone and he cancelled with me as he thought it was not fair to see me when he was seriously interested in getting to know her.
Sometimes people meet other people they want to get know better and it really is not right on anyone to get to know someone well when they are trying to get to know a second person. It’s not fair on anyone. Personally, It’s good to know there are such men out there.
Confused
We are pretty much in the same boat. I too have multiple degrees, one of them a doctorate, am told my many that I am beautiful, talented, super smart and so on yet I feel like I do not belong anywhere anymore. The only men I get approached by are down and out, looking for a meal ticket. Have literally wasted thousands on various sites and I am sufficiently old that 70 is within my dating range. Always thought that I’d meet a lively, healthy, educated retiree who’d be raring to escape the concrete gulag that is the nearest megaopolis and love to move to the mountains to live with a cool exotic chick in her cool exotic house. Time for a reality check. Confused, I don’t know who your 70 year old friend is, what she is like, have no clue what your age range is or where you live, but from experience I can tell you on line, for highly educated, ambitious chix like us simply does not work. I’ve even trolled the sites, thinking that I am too ugly and all the good guys are not contacting me, proactively looking to see if compatible dudes are there, extending my search into said megalopolis, and they are not there, period. At least in this state, the sites seem to be populated with marginally employed, marginally healthy dudes, very much into redneck culture if they live anywhere near me. The sort of men we want and would be compatible with don’t have to be on line and aren’t. We can only meet men IRL. I too get into tailspins, get to hating me, have incredible rage sometimes, because nope, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I see my male counterparts in terms of looks, education, etc, such as the AC, find high end women effortlessly while I have the choice of complete aloneness or settling for someone chock full of red flags who wants my lifestyle but doesn’t want to work for it. These guys I have to fight off with a stick. Discouraging as hell, but the playing field is very different for women vs. men. It’s not about us, who we are or are not, sometimes it just is.
Noquay:
I’m sorry about your experience on dating sites. I’ve been reading your posts for a long time and I truly truly wish you the best and there have been multiple times I’ve wanted to reach out to you and give you a virtual hug. You truly are an amazing woman. 🙂
I have an 80 year old friend who has a 73 year old boyfriend, they are dotty about each other, hold hands walking along, hugging and kissing in public …
And here I am … Much younger, much better looking, smarter, better educated, more money, blah blah blah and alone.
Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me and then I think I’m still recovering from the assclown and before him an alcoholic husband. I’ve had to dig deep to put a lot of this stuff back where it belongs and for the most part, baggage has been reclaimed! But I know I’m not ready for another relationship yet.
Lots of things are coming back into focus, my boundaries are strengthening, my self esteem is rising, my sense of humour is returning, I’m doing lots of things that make me feel good, have some decent normal friends … but this comparing myself to others is hard to overcome. It’s insidious and creeps up unawares.
There was a lot of ladies queuing up for my friends boyfriend, and even now there is one lady in particular who just cannot understand what he sees in my friend as, when she compares what she has to offer, as in much younger, outgoing happy and social personality, financially much better off, beautiful home, better dressed and very attractive, she doesn’t understand why he has chosen my friend and not her.
Lots of food for thought, comparison, is it ego driven or what?
Comparison is often a passive form competition that eats away at our self-worth. It is also associated with feelings of exclusion. For example in the UK we teach kids to have fun through competitive games such as musical chairs. One kid is excluded each round. I remember this game and always felt ashamed when I was no longer able to participate in the game while watching the other kids having “fun”. For one to suceed, another must lose. Get prepared for the real world! Bullshit! The freakin adults who invent such bizarre games should be ashamed! There is a rare alternative to this game in which one chair is taken away each round and ALL the kids have to try and squeeze themselves on the remaining chairs. Kids are left giggling in a heap. This looks like real fun! I have studied competition in animals for years and it is just unbelievable how much importance we place on comparison and competition when in the real world competition, even though it does exist, is really an exception rather than the rule (don’t believe the overly selective discovery channel crap). However, reverse human logic teaches us otherwise from such an early age. No wonder we end up struggling with this for the most of our lives. It is encouraging to read this site and know that there are folks out there who are aware of this problem and learning/helping others deal with it. xxx
RP,
At primary school (rural Australia), the children played a game called “Red rover, all over”, which I honestly did not understand the rules of. My impression was that children ran across a stretch of maybe 50 metres between a ‘mountain’ in the yard and a vertical climbing structure. The other children in the centre would call a name or call everyone to cross over and then there would be tackling to stop children crossing to the other side. It was very rough and needless to say, I only watched in awe at the “bravery” of the participants.
RP
I couldn’t agree more! I hate competition becasue someone ends up feeling bad. I love what you did with the chairs exercise. Remove a chair, not a child!! I think our society is far too competitive in the wrong way. I hate it and always have, even when I am the winner, I hated the feeling of being disliked for winning.
I can’t stand competition of any sort. Which is why, as a child, I could never get into competitive sport. I could not understand why there always had to be someone who had to feel the shame and embarrassment of losing. I had asthma, so that someone was often me. Who wants to participate in something that is just going to make them feel bad about themselves?
I went to a top, very competitive school, and even in academics, where I excelled, I could not understand the need to compare and compete. It never made me feel any better about my success, and my heart broke for fellow pupils who were shamed for their lack of achievement. Excellence is a good thing, but why must it come at the cost of someone else?
Even now, I decry all forms of competition in my own life. Other people, and other women in particular, will often try to compete with me, even subtlely, and I can’t bear it. I want to live in harmony with other beings. When faced with a competitive situation I will always just concede to the other person. People mistake it for self-deprecation, when really I just can’t stand comparison and competition, and the jealousy that goes with it. I am happy with what I have for its own sake, not because it’s better or worse than someone else’s.
Clare, wow 🙂
This has absolutely nothing to do with your actual post, but I just wanted to say…
You look beautiful Natalie! Blue is a great color on you.
Agreed, I love that dress!
Wonderful post Nat, thank you.
I shall try to utilise these steps when I too am on a comparison binge.
As you say, ” We often forget to do this very basic thing, as if we expect to be normal when we’re hungry/tired/stressed.”
One my favourite sayings is “cranky when hungry. Cranky when tired. Cranky when stressed!”
I hope, physically, you feel better soon. And I hope things are better, mentally, with your brother soon too. And I hope things go well with the house!
Echoing some other comments above, I was also wondering if your keynote is available online anywhere?
Best wishes. And as usual – a big thanks.
Nel
Wow, Natalie, great post. You are most certainly not alone in those panic moments before doing something ‘up front’!! Love the shoes, too.
I don’t think I learned to be an effective self soother as a child except for sucking my thumb! Right now I am dealing with a lot including the final steps of a long-term marriage end which has been very depleting and then to top it all off being involved in a road accident where I got seriously injured in another country (where I had temporarily moved to) and then surgery and a long often painful rehab. I need to remember that when I over-react emotionally to what has happened to me and especially to my ex’s antics that it is because I am hungry, not had a protein snack, tired, in pain and emotionally fragile. There are definitely times when I over-react because I lack all the stamina I am used to . It helps to have the mantras too….as I walk all the kilometres I need to and face challenging situations physically, necessary to recover, I have found myself saying you are fine, you have done this before etc…and actually they are applicable to emotional things too. Really helpful post for me right now. Thanks
It fascinates me that someone as accomplished as you, still gets ” moments” as well lol.
Natalie, I cried when I read your post;( That’s what I feel now and you yet again read my mind….thank you for keeping me sane xxx
Sophia
I am sorry to hear what u have been through recently, 4 months is not tht long. Plus there were other variables involved in ur situation. I understand all too well. Ur hope and commitment to getting us better is inspiring despite ur challenges sometimes. As u said there will be good days and bad days, it’s a process. Plus , u r right, I don’t feel as bad as I used to just after he broke up with me.
Thank u for your response. I need to talk to you. How can I email Natalie ? What’s her email address so I can get ur email address.
J
J, I guess that’s right. 3,5 months actually it has been. I guess that’s not that long. I will remember that. It is a very challenging process. A week goes by and I think I am ok and then there come days like these last 2-3 days, it’s recycling all over. It will get better. I am not sure about her e-mail address. It should be somewhere on the site I would think.
Comparison binge… My only comparison that has been bothering me is the woman he is with or will be with, what does she have that I don’t have. But then I immediately realize how immature and silly these thoughts are. Why is it so important to be liked by him. He is not some God determining what qualities in women are the “rules.” It’s all our internal insecurities when we compare ourselves to other people. All I can say, is that until we start believing in ourselves that we are unique and valuable as we are, we will always compare ourselves to other one way or another.
Sophia,
Will try to find natalies email address.
I have worried about who he is now with. I know who she is. I have to stop myself from comparing but even if I do I still have enuff sense to see that it’s not about her, or me not being good enough, it’s about who he is and his choices and behaviour. She is not better than I and ur ex’s new girl isn’t better than you. U r a great person. They r not perfect , we r not either but we r authentic ppl with significantly better character than our exes. Their motives for behaving how they did is their own , we r not responsible for it. They r out of touch with themselves at least somewhat and just acted on tht which hurt us. I can’t even waste time worrying about him, her or th break up anymore. I’m sooooo tired to be down. It didn’t work out . life’s like tht, no use cuda shuda woulding, let’s love us.
I know I’m a great individual and I sense u r too. I have my issues like many others but that goodness keeps me grounded in not wanting to hurt others intentionally. I try not to.
I crave our speedy recovery. We deserve love care trust respect and a guy who is principally good at heart. I’m believing for us to love ourselves unconditionally and for someone to complement us eventually. We r the most important ppl in the equation.
J
J, thank you for the encouraging words. I woke up this morning with similar thoughts. I am tired of obsessing about it. Last night I read Natalie’s article about obsessing and thinking and thinking of what is over now. And I think how tired I am of thinking about it. How much I want to put it past beyond it myself. Part of it is healing and you can’t speed it up but where do I draw a line. When it’s ok to say, “enough, no more thinking about him.” I feel like I can do it and train my mind not to think of him, but won’t that be forcing the natural grieving process. I am confused. I don’t want to rush things, yet I don’t want to get obsessed and spiral non-stop. It seems that I have gone through all the stages possible and now I am back to square one with “why, could have, should have.” Quite unbelievable.
As I am focusing on my work today, I will focus on not having him on my mind. The minute I think about it, I will consciously shut the thought down. I guess that’s the only way to do it. Kind of like when a mosquito bites you, you don’t sit there and wait for it to suck out your blood, you slap it and kill it. It seems to me that at this point it takes a will power and an honest determination to go a different path. I feel I am drowning in the obsession mode. I don’t know anymore what’s normal or what’s not. I know in the grieving process people do revert and go back to the stage of shame, guilt, “could have should have,” but how many times before it never comes back. I do know stories some people still blame and have negative feelings about their exes/themselves years after. Can’t get over them completely. I don’t want to be like that. I want to get better and help myself. Sigh. Not sure yet when and where you draw the line and help yourself without forcing the healing process.
You say 3,5 months is not that long (1 year relationship). Well I hope I am half way there or actually closer than I think. At this point, I have a gut feeling, that if I shut down the thoughts of him when I ruminate again and again, it won’t hurt the healing process because the hardest work has been done. I read somewhere if you need to grieve, cry, allow yourself a specified time per day or per week. Cry it out and that’s it. Shut it down during the rest of your life. Do not make him a part of your life. There is no relationship anymore. It’s like holding on and holding on to the control of what’s not there anymore.
As far as comparing to their new gfs. I don’t know if my ex has one. I imagine he does. Maybe he did while we were in the relationship. Hence not wanting to introduce me to his family and friends in his country. How could I not see that before. After 11 months of our relationship, he still kept me out of his private life, of what’s most important to him. His family. I bet there is a girl in his country where he goes to visit several times a year, who is waiting for him to come back and as a fool as me. Who knows. As much as I am hurt from rejection and broken hopes, I do know it’s not about myself.
It hurts to know you have hoped, invested, dreamed, and things crash and you are heart broken. So many people like that out there though. We are not alone.
Yes, we will be fine. Time and out conscience.
I read in Nat’s articles yesterday, that instead of controlling what could have been should have been, why don’t we try controlling ourselves? Getting on with our lives? Not just saying these words about “I” and “my value and importance,” but truly doing actions. Living for us.
I will try starting today. I don’t think I have tried enough.
Hugs to you and I hope you had a good Monday.
Sofia,
When do we finally get over them?? Yep, the grieving process is not linear but if you maintain NC then it
certainly does get better/fade away in the long term. I used to think that we only get over a shitty relationship once we find a new person, but this is only partially true. I remember feeling much much better quite a few months before meeting my now boyfriend. I was not completely over the AC but the nature of the pain was different. I no longer had the urge to contact him. When I felt depressed and lonely (especially on Fridays and Saturdays), it was because I wanted to meet a decent guy to share my private time with (not a big fan of bars and parties). I no longer felt jealous, nor did I compare myself to the OW. I was still peeved at the AC because of the time I had “wasted” but I genuinely did not want anything to do with him anymore. He was kicked off that pedestal and I even pitied the new woman at times, even though she also behaved quite despicably. This is the crux of it, at least in my case, I was ready to face the world again, not by eliminating sadness and regret, but by feeling these sentiments in a very different way. It is the obsessive thoughts coupled with excessive self-pity (boy did I pity myself!) that mostly get in the way of self-improvement. I stopped obsessing when I finally accepted that shit happened to me and I was partially accountable for that. Acceptance is a wonderful thing because it stops you from thinking/analysing about what happened or did not happen. The more you think/obsess about an AC, the harder it becomes to simply accept it. Every time you are visited by these destructive thoughts, just tell yourself, I accept that went through this painful experience. Then try your best to focus on something else.
You and so many ladies have already made so much progress. Give yourselves some credit and have faith that this too will pass!
Love, RP
RP, so you stopped the obsessiveness by accepting that this is the end and the bad thing happened to you and you partially were to blame for it? I noticed glimpses of this experience already. Last few days were crazily obsessive and I have been quite surprised. The more I told myself to stop obsessing, the more his image came back. The good thing though is that I noticed I stopped analyzing why it happened. I just will never know the true answer. I have a feeling this last outburst of obsessing is a sign of being closer to acceptance. Like the last pain, the last efforts and then you just succumb and let it all pass. Funny enough, rationally, I recognized why I am holding on. Partially, it is liking this wallowing in pain. The habit of it. Broken heart, romantics, the pain, pity me ( I don’t do pity much though. I mostly used to blame myself, but now I recognize we both messed up. Him being not two feet in and non-committed and stringing me along, me being blind and needy and insecure and grasping onto what is not there although I had been told there was nothing there to hold onto by himself!!). Both made a good although quite hot mess. It is also not letting go because of control, stubbornness, “investment.” Ego basically. Hard to let go of what was “yours.”
Your post, RP, gives me hope that it WILL BE OVER eventually. Life is going on and believe me, I am trying to do my best with living my life. I do dream of the day I will be indifferent to him, not jealous, obsessing who he is with and how she compares to me and the things they do together. One day I won’t care.
It takes both time and our own work. We can do it.
Did your ex contact you or did you contact him months after the breakup? Did you remain friends?
I can’t imagine staying in contact. It has to be NC for a very long time until BOTH want to get in touch.
I don’t want to be friends with my ex. I don’t see any reason why I would want to.
Thank you, RP, for your input and a very rationalistic yet optimistic and upbeat post.
Yes, Sofia, I really think it is about acceptance. I don’t know why I (quite suddenly) let go of the AC scenario. I was probably also exhausted, so my survival strategy kicked in to aid the letting go process. Don’t underestimate the wisdom of our bodies, they are often smarter than our brains! And yes, like Natalie says, I also accepted that it was ok to be WRONG about the AC and many other things in my life. Be proud of yourself for maintaining NC and I am sure the rest will come naturally. At one point you won’t care less about being in touch with your ex or not, and you wont feel the urge to contact him EVER AGAIN. I am not friends with the ex because he is an AC and treated me like crap in subtle and also not so subtle ways. I am not angry anymore though. The anger we feel is really about ourselves, not them. He texts every couple of months or so, but he could just as well never get in touch again. It makes no difference to me whatsoever…
RP, I reread you other post before this one and this one again. I think ( I HOPE) I am finally close to the acceptance. I have been going through interesting thoughts this week. Very different thoughts too. First of all, I now realize that I was wrong about him. For the first time, he is not on the pedestal. Secondly, I realize what a fool I was and behaved in quite weird strange ways. My insecure and bad contribution in the mixture of his unavailability. And my own unavailability as well. Thirdly and finally, for the first time I told myself, that I accept that I messed up. I made a mistake in my decision choice.
I have one complication here. He and I, or rather, I , went through an abortion. That I find very difficult to come to terms with and will take time to cope with. And then he broke up with me after reassuring me that he is still with me and loves me.
That makes it much more complicated. But the fact is that I have to move on. It was and is the most difficult period of my life ever in my 36 years of life. What choice do I have? Only to move on and take the best out of my life to give all my love to my daughter, myself, and my friends and family.
Love and hugs to everyone. Thank you for your support.
I am very strong and determined to keep NC. He won’t contact me which makes it easier. He is a decent proper EU guy. Who had a polite face to face break up and does it by the rules of the game. He made a clean breakup. So, no, I don’t have to worry about AC breaking NC behavior. Luckily he is gone. I am mending my wounds by myself, slowly but it is getting better.
Dear Sofia,
I am so sorry to hear that YOU had to go through an abortion, especially with a “partner” who was literally absent throughout the whole “reationship”. It is not the first time I hear that a guy disappears after a situation like this. Of course I don’t know the guy you were involved with but if he is a true EU borderline AC, then the pregnancy may have set him in panic mode, hence leading him to plan his exit strategy. He reassured you that he will stick around because he was worried that the truth may have changed your mind (these EUs think we will do anything to keep them around, cringe!).
Sofia, this is just my interpretation based on the common patterns of behaviour we experience/read about these men. I am sorry about your unsettling experience, but I am glad that you do not have to raise a child with such a man.
with love sofia, RP
Natalie- I’m sorry about your brother. I hope he is doing better (a wonderful, quick-witted response from your mom!).
The other night I compared myself to a famous person and I came up short. 🙁 Thank you for your insights regarding our inner critics as I was listening to the critic instead of the feelings my critic was trying to protect me from, as you said. I didn’t know that prior to your post. When I listened to my feelings, I realized that I was feeling depleted, hangry, hanxious & stressed too. This is on top of feeling lonely, exhausted & meaningless. So…now that I have a stable paycheck, I invested in self-care. I was comparing myself to this famous person because I was envying her knowledge and accomplishments in an area where I’m clueless. Thus, I bought a couple books in that field so I could become more well-rounded. I treated myself to a nice expensive healthy dinner, a nice spa mani-pedi, treated myself to my first professional massage, renewed my First Aid and CPR cert, and had lunch with someone I met in my CPR class. What a wonderful weekend I’ve had! 🙂
This article was very informative, interesting, and important for me. I am getting over my ass-clown and making good progress, but the idea of self-soothing is a new one and I’d like to know more about it. I can only think of negative ones, like go spend a bunch of money on clothes or go eat ice cream or drink martinis.
Ladies,could you please share examples of self-soothing that have worked for you and are healthy? I need some advice!
I find it really helps to have a list of activities handy beforehand, that you can refer to automatically when things start to go pear-shaped. Some of my favourite self-soothing activities are:
* Going for a long walk outside (preferably in peaceful surroundings)
* Having a hot bubble bath (with wine and candles, if you want)
* Making a mug of hot chocolate or rooibos tea (very soothing)
* Taking myself off to see a feel-good movie, or putting on a favourite one at home
* Putting on some music which you know will make you feel good, turning up the volume, and having a little dance in your living room
* Going and playing with/petting/grooming your dog/cat/horse/favourite pet
* Phoning a good friend/mom/sister that you trust and just talking – about what’s bothering you or something else or having a laugh (getting over one relationship is a great opportunity to get close to other people in your life)
* Indulge in some beauty rituals – do your nails, go get your hair done, slather on creams, perfumes, try different make up… anything that feels good
These are just some of mine. Making your own list is kind of fun!
Wonderful list, Clare. Mine are very similar, with the addition of a good book or some therapeutic cooking/baking. Oregon, there are also some wonderful online recipes for homemade Chai tea, which is very soothing (and all the beautiful herbs smell amazing). For one person, pop about 200ml of water in a small saucepan and add a cinnamon stick, a few cloves, a few cardomom pods, a few peppercorns, a drop of vanilla, some powdered ginger and a teaspoon of honey and bring to the boil. When everything is infused, pop in a normal teabag and let boil for about 2 mins. Then strain and add milk. I hope I’ve got that right. Give it a whirl. Sorry Nat for getting so off topic.
Good list; I’d add, go outside, work on your gardens, sometimes I just take off into the mountains, go until I can’t go anymore.
I wish you all the best, Natalie! There are women all over the world who admire and love you for your fantastic work!
Hey Cc, you dodged a guy that was interested primarily in sex only. That’s why you were cut off at 1st kiss with other female. If this guy was looking for a serious r’ship he’d move FAR slower. I know. I’ve ASKED guys in healthy LT r’ships how long they waited to make a move. Almost w’out exception, they all waited quite a while NOT just 2 dates! This guy thinks he has sex in the bag already with the other female. PITA how he handled the sitch but on the bright side he’s no longer wasting yr valuable time! Xx
CC, you would be angry with the guy no matter how he managed to break the date. I don’t understand why he could not continue the date, if it really was about two people sharing dinner together. Was it Dutch, or was he just trying to save money? Did you guys previously have a “fun time” together, or just a “time”? I’d be grateful for an easy out if it was just passing time.
What I see is a man in a human candy store, preening at all the women desperately seeking him. That is why he had to verbalize his rejection face-to-face, wanted to inflict maximum discomfort, let you know you ‘lost” to a better competitor. He’s a jerk and will be back on the troll very shortly.
Online dating is very much a candy store to those males AND females who need ego-strokes and validation. That’s why the handsome & pretty get the most responses.
Elgie,
This was my impression as well.
Natalie,
Re: Your brother. The best thing you can do for him is to be a light at the end of the dark tunnel he is in. Take care of yourself, please, my dear. I know how my own “adventures” with depression, etc. have been, and it always helps to know that my family members are there loving me, but safe and sound just outside of the dark, so that they can help guide me out when I’m ready. Get adjusted (your back and neck) and get some rest and light activity. And breathe, darlin’. Kisses, love. 🙂
Sophia,
You already know what to do to return to ur recovery process. U cut him off with no contact, now u must cut him out of ur mind. This must be an active process. The more u think about him , the more u stay invested.when a thought comes up about him, stop it immediately. U r not rushing the grieving process by doing this , u r actually taking an active part in its progression.
U r awesome , she whoever she is has nothing on you. I don’t care what she is. He had his own reasons for doing what he did, he hurt u an deceived u. I’m sorry we went through this but it happens to some great ppl. Really, many ppl told us they saw signs these were not good men. We didn’t listen, we made mistakes but now we realise. It hurts but let’s continue rejecting them mentally until we don’t even need to remember to try as they r no longer relevant. We cannot dwell on them or wht they did or y they did this to us. They r not for us. God has a better plan for us both. We will meet a man with both feet in, one who is loyal and committed. They weren’t that’s y they ran off. They wud hav liked to enjoy out awesomeness deceitfully but God stopped them and worked it out so they wud leave out lives and cause us to learn to love ourselves.
Soohie, key to letting go is to let go of any negative feelings we hold about our inner self. Dig deep and find out how by honesty feel about u. Bring the negative feelings to the surface, let them go then start resetting the feelings about u tht u hold deep inside URSELF, change them by repeating this every time u started to think if him and shut tht thought down: “Sophia, u r doing well, I love you.
You must believe it and keep on saying it. You are worthy. Believe it until it becomes entrenched in ur believes about yourself.
The recovery will naturally follow and one day u wake up thinking ” I haven’t thought about him in ages”. It must stop-the obsession I have been aroun on the grief cycle more times than I can count. It hurts hurts hurts. However, we must stop it. Enuff is enuff.
J (Or H :)?),
I needed your post this morning more than ever. Yesterday was Tuesday, day 5 of me obsessively thinking. What I decided to say is to tell myself to purge him out of my mind the minute I start thinking of him. You are bringing up an interesting point that doing this is the active process in grieving. Helping yourself. If it were first-second month in grieving perhaps that would be too early. But moving to the 4th mark in a one -year relationship, I realistically recognize that not only it’s time too, secondly, I am becoming self-destructive. I wallow and I am in sorrow. Have been for 5 days. Fell asleep crying and woke up heavy. I fell asleep praying to God to help me to free me of him, to help me letting him go. Because I can’t do it on my own. I ask for His support. It is soothing repeating the prayer and asking for strength. At this point it’s time to cut him out of my mind. I was crying and have been crying because something shifted. I feel I am deeply grieving him going away for good now. I am not questioning much if at all why he is gone (I am not sure if a woman was involved. Could be. It doesn’t matter), whether I did something so wrong. It doesn’t matter. What I am trying to do is to cut the ties off completely. It is about time to. So every time I think of him, I tell myself, “purge, let go. God help me to free me of him. I want to be free of him.”
I will take your advice to think about me and what is good for me. Good point about thinking of negative thoughts of me when the thoughts of him come in rushing me. Exactly the thoughts: I was not good enough, did this wrong, did that wrong. Self-beating thoughts. Like he is so perfect and special. Ultimately though there is much Higher Power than ourselves, so although I am a strong supporter of psychology and cognitive psychology particularly, in the long run, we all turn to the Higher Power, but that’s just my opinion, I wanted to share.
You think you were weak? Look how strong you are! You sound very positive, determined and convinced . It looks like you are on the right track, J. Look at you supporting me and helping me so much! I seemed stronger couple weeks and then we switched the roles. It is so great to help each others. I am so greatful for this Board.
One thing I noticed I will avoid doing for now is going out by myself. I did this for the 3rd time in the last 4 months and every time I broke down crying almost in the bar even before going back to the car. The setting that triggers it is a bar, evening, weekend night. Couples around. All the memories pop up. When I do other things for myself: during the day time – gym, shopping, walking, coffee, movie, library, visiting friends – I am fine. Or even visiting wine tasting events in the evening , but with someone I know – I am fine. When I am with my daughter, I am fine too. I now see I thought I would be so cool hanging out at a bar by myself. No. I will stay away. I realized that’s a big trigger. Perhaps that is what he and I did together and that triggers that although the area of the city is different. So that’s another helpful thing, J, you and I could do. Avoid what triggers sad thoughts. Movies and music and books on the love subject – I haven’t watched or listened for so long. I listen to classical music or music in foreign language. Movies: I hardly watched recently but if I did there were documentaries or something that doesn’t have any romance in it involved. Reading: I read psychology and religion material only recently.
So that’s another active thing to do for us. Avoid anything that reminds of him. Try your best.
To stick to the topic of this subject: whether he has someone or doesn’t, I decided that it should not matter to me. I am not going to compare anymore, how younger, skinnier, how more perfect (for him) she is. Comparing all those things – body parts and life style – all it is is unloving yourself. Divorcing or separating from yourself every time we compare someone to our selves. I will work on this: every time I compare myself to potential her that he has already maybe , I will tell myself, first of all, purge thoughts of him, secondly, I am unique the way I am. God and my daughter love me and they need me. I have close friends that love me. I am special and unique who I am and I will think of my good qualities. It is a hard and active mental work because we are not used to it, J. But I agree with you completely. At this point, you and I won’t be forcing the grieving process. We are helping ourselves. I decided this also because I remember reading Nat’s article couple days ago where she talks about how long it takes to get over your ex. As long as it takes you to help yourself, she said, or something like that. Meaning, yes, there is time to cry and grieve and then there is time to start helping yourself. Yes, purging and letting go is not one day event process. It’s a bit by bit by bit. But we have to actively participate. Otherwise, like you are saying, I see you did/do this too: we are coming back in circles (Nat writes about this how we keep going through all the stages of the grieving process OVER AND OVER – and that was/is my fear that I feel I am falling into this pit, so I have to stop myself now.).
J, let’s try starting today: PURGE. Whenever we think of them. Mantra of every day. “Purge, let go. Help us God, give us strength and support to go through this hard process.”
Sophia,
“Purge, let go. Help us God, give us strength and support to go through this hard process.”
I certainly do not wish to get into a theological discussion of any kind. I have at times wondered if these types of supplications are DISEMPOWERING. I am not as I said going to comment on “God”… I could rephrase your statement without religious ideas…
“Purge, let go. Help us Natalie/Mother earth/life/life energy (etc), give us strength and support to go through this hard process.”
It comes across to me as making DEMANDS and REQUESTS of yourself or someone/thing.
I really don’t think TELLING yourself helps.
I also think requests from entities outside ourselves is more or less saying “I DON”T have strength”.
Is saying “…this hard process” over n over of use? Or is it reinforcing defeat and powerlessness?
Rachael, I understand what you mean. What I am trying to do is to let go. If I feel I can’t do it myself, I am asking for Higher Power to help me, while I am trying as hard as I can myself. Perhaps this IS disempowering and not believing in my own abilities to do so. Well, see, this is where it starts theological and I won’t go there.
I do think we are capable on our own to try to let go. I am trying.
What helped you stopping the obsession and letting go? I read your comments all the time. You are very wise. Tough love. Brief. Concise. Straight to the point. It hurts what you say sometimes. Yes, truth hurts. I agree with you most of the time.
What did you do to get over your ex? Time? Cognitive psychology? Please share.
Thank you:)
Sophia,
Ex’S… which one?! I guess I have got better with age, but I think the best thing I have done is to KEEP WORKING ON IT. It’s still a work in progress. I use anything I can, but what works well is UNDERSTANDING things. Also acceptance of all my feelings and knowing I will never be perfect. Support in those really hard times and self care.
Rachael, quoting you: “Is saying “…this hard process” over n over of use? Or is it reinforcing defeat and powerlessness?”
Secretively… Subconsciously, well, no, CONSCIOUSLY, if we stop being scared and lazy and stuck in our uncomfortable comfortable “hard process” zone (great article of Nat next, I haven’t had time to read it thoroughly yet), then we can tell our minds and bodies to stop SMOKING. Literally. Stop cold turkey the addiction. Have few short bad pains here and there. But withdraw. Quitting gradually – No. Relapse is more likely. Well, I should not compare this to quitting smoking. I see your point. While there is a grieving time, true, after a breakup it’s too raw and tough, but soon and eventually, we have to look at ourselves and say that we should rephrase our “hard process” and realize that our comfortable zone is actually hell. We wallow in our mud of our insecurities, excuses, comfy blankets of sorrow and self-pity. Time to wake up and shake this off after some slumber. Some slumber is ok, but it’s time to get up. I will read Nat’s article again and post my comment soon.
Great point, Rachael. This is truly cognitive psychology and self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s up to us what comes next. What comes now. What goes in the past. We can do it mentally. Only we are too comfy in our uncomfy zone. So true!
@ teachable, elgie, selkie, clare, and confused
Thanks for your input, it’s interesting how a situation can be viewed from different angles. Maybe he was trying to be a gentleman, but two things are for sure, he is clueless, and he was after sex. As you put it teachable, he is not looking for a real relationship, at least not the kind I want. Even on our first date which was pretty good, he said we will have to test our chemistry, well we all know what that means. Yes, he is clueless and he would have moved way too fast for me and then got fed up and moved onto the other woman. So, by not seeing him on Sunday as he wanted and seeing him on Monday instead, thereby giving miss sexy an opp to move in, I saved myself a lot of grief! Thanks!
Natalie,
Thank you for taking the time to clarify your process.
I both respect and admire your authenticity.
I’m glad your brother is getting the help he needs.
I’m glad you are taking care of yourself Natalie, and that you have a good support system.
Oregongirl- This is late and I’m doing this by phone- You’ve gotten a lot of great advice for what to do externally to self-sooth. However, what goes on internally is just as important. Notice the internal dialogue Natalie had with hetsrlf, “I am safe. I am secure..” Do you have any positive affirmations that you can draw upon during anxious, insecure moments? Encouraging, positive self-reminders are self-soothing musts! 🙂
Sophia,
I still haven’t received a reply to my request for ur email.
Anyway, ur faith in God is a big plus. It will help you no matter what. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you have faith that you can and will get over this. We both will.
I too am obsessing. It’s almost like a natural part of my life now. I have to stop the thought as soon as they pop up.
We have ppl who love us. We need not feel sorry for ourselves or what happened. We both did nothing wrong. They were shady and uncommitted at best, opportunists even. Our emotions keep us invested and prevent us from accepting the facts at a subconscious level, within our inner selves. Our state now is more chemical processes diving our physiology leading to these feelings. It takes strategy to stop this process. Tangible strategy.
We hav switched toles somewhat , at least verbally. It’s been 10 months for me, 7.5 months technically for a relationship of 1 yr, 3 months. To much time to get over this crap. I am happy I don’t waste more time with him . U shud b too. God has a better plan for our lives. Truly, based on who they r , they wud have left or otherwise hurt us sometime if we were still with them. It’s just who they are. Y wud we want men who really aren’t good at heart. We need to realise deep within ourselves (on a subconscious level) that we are the best so we deserve good men. Not these too fools. Let’s be happy and thankful that they showed who they are which they would have eventually whether we did anything or not . We never caused them to be themselves. They are who they are , I don’t want him anymore. He doesn’t deserves to smell my pee or him urs and thts the God almighty truth. We r not trying I say thins to feel better, it’s the truth. Put then beside us and speak about qualities and the wud come up very short in comparison to us. Fact.
This is the last time I will be mentions anything about him to u or anyone. I’m done wallowing. Dedicated to giving him the status he deserves : not a thought from me.
Take care of u.
Love, J
J,
I am glad you made this decision. Everyone has his/her timeline. If you think you reached the point at 7,5 months for a 1 year 3 months relationship, then, you know you have. There is no perfect time formula.
I will try to do the same. If I feel very emotional and sad, I will post something and hopefully that will help me if I am feeling like breaking NC. Otherwise, I want to focus on myself and not writing and ruminating about him. I hope this will last. Up until the next PMS hits. But I will deal with it. Hopefully it will get easier and easier with each month. I know it will. One thing I am still confident is that you don’t force the grieving process. It will subside and end on its own. We do have to be careful and regulate ourselves as much as we can, but I don’t think trying to shut it down works. I already tried at least 3 times. It doesn’t work like that. For me anyway. The acceptance and letting go will come naturally with time. And that’s it. Exhale and on to my life.
Good luck to you and take care, J. I am here and checking the blog still. However, I will try to focus on other things so that I don’t think about relationship and him too much.
I actually felt like writing to ACMM. After all this time.
I wanna give love because that will make me feel safe for a while…like I have someone.
That’s not reality. That’s not his fault, either.
We fool ourselves. Out of longing to connect. It’s stressful, being unconnected.
Recently watched an old Oprah where a “happiness test” was being discussed, and the audience and home viewers were asked to rate how “happy” five people described themselves as being. The 5 people being rated had taken the happiness test individually themselves. All five had suffered real emotional losses. We, the audience, got to see short video biographies of each of their lives, then, judging from what was seen, we had to rate them from most happy (of the 5) to least happy. I got the order exactly right…unlike most of the studio audience AND Oprah.
Because, I think, what I KNOW we all want – is to connect. I want to be special to you – more special than ANYONE else – and I want YOU to be MY special person.
I am so hungry for that. And I think most people are hungry for that. Even the married ones.
Some people have found it, though. They got themselves a SOLID foundation, and built from there. They are secure from the INSIDE – out. On Oprah, the happiest people were married – BUT – the next-to-least happiest was a married mother of five. She put on the happiest face in the videos, and Oprah had voted her as “happiest”. I could see she was dying inside. The MOST unhappy person was a 52 year old divorced woman with few people in her life – she voted herself as no-where near what she wanted in life. I remember thinking her sphere of life is so small.
The two happiest people had multiple warm, close, loving, relationships, lasting relationships. One of them was a funeral director.
I don’t know what stopped me from writing AC. Over the last two weeks I’ve eased up on nutritious-eating and have been watching myself over-snack at work, stay up too late, eat donuts at breakfast and giant Hershey’s bars with coffee. Clearly something is gnawing at me. And I was about to reach for the familiar diversion. Something stopped me…and the feeling has completely passed. I think there’s a BR-antivirus in my brain.
Shopping was my other familiar diversion, but I realize shopping was another form of AC for me.
So now I am sitting here in relative quiet – street noises, rain, no TV or music, writing…sipping water, eating raw cashews. Self-soothing.
Another wonderful post that makes me reflect. I am older and it is easy to compare myself and my accomplishments with younger, more accomplished women. Also, although I keep myself fit, I am not in my 20’s or 30’s anymore.
I have to be very vigilant each day to be grateful for where I am and for what I have. I am beginning a new career, will soon be publishing my first book, which I tried to do for 20 years. If I am not careful, I will feel like a failure even though I am doing things in my life that I never believed I could do.
Because I have made bad choices in my love life, I can engage in negative self-talk about myself.
I can thankfully say that 90% of the time, I feel good about myself, my love life and my accomplishments. This post helped me put it all in perspective. Thank you all for your honesty.
Sonia,
I understand. Take the time to grieve. Do the formula that works for you. I was not trying to tell u to speed it up uncomfortably.
Take care of yourself. All the best.
J
Nat Lue,
For the past few years I have been following BR, it is very clear to me how much your brother means to you.
I have dealt with mental illness my whole life via my mother and then myself. It’s a tough fight.
Wishing you and your brother all the strength in the world right now. Xx