Jane asks: What if he wasn’t a Mr Unavailable? What if he wasn’t really into me? I know I shouldn’t think about his reasons for dumping me and focus only on me but the uncertainty really haunts me.
We were together for almost a year and since the beginning, he was kind of weird, because he would pursue me for a couple of days, act as we were a couple, and then disappear or act like a friend.
Even though he disappeared, we spent most of our times together. I never pursued him or anything, it was all his work. He took me to meet his family (as a friend) so I know he wasn’t dating anyone else, and I spent a lot of time in his house with his mom and nieces. He always wanted to take things slow, even the sex part of our relationship. He was extremely sweet those days he felt like being a couple, so he wasn’t all so bad.
He dumped me two weeks ago, three weeks after we decided to try being a couple, saying that our relationship wasn’t working and that we didn’t have anything in common (which is not true). And I’m not sure if he really liked me.
What if he wasn’t all that into me and he was confused of what he wanted from me?
After he broke it off, we have seen each other because we work together. For god knows what reason, he is acting mad towards me so it’s more confusing after him saying he wanted us to be friends after the breakup. Is this normal?
Thank you so much for this site. I wish I would have found it sooner. It’s been a lot of help. These guys should wear a HUGE warning sing so no women gets close.
NML says… Indeed it’s a shame they don’t come preloaded with neon flashing signs! Here is the reason why he is not an emotionally available guy who is just not that into you:
A decent, emotionally available guy who is not into you will not behave as this man has for the past year.
Emotionally available men are connected emotionally so that when they recognise that they cannot be what a woman expects, uncomfortable as it may be, they speak up.
The disappearing, the calling you a friend, pursuing you, acting like a couple but not actually being a couple, introducing you to family (a common thing that Mr Unavailables do – women attach far too much significance to meeting the parents), and the rest, just reek of Mr Unavailable.
But at the end of the day, he has now said you have nothing in common although he has certainly taken his sweet time to decide this.
You, unfortunately, can’t decide that you do have something in common and that he’s lying. The things that you may think are your common ground and important, may not be his common ground and important, and the best thing that you could do, in light of how he has always behaved and his recent treatment, is accept that it is over rather than make the mistake of making this a long and drawn-out saga where he’ll continue his poor behaviour.
You are focused on the wrong things. You keep saying how sweet and nice he was, but this man kept doing disappearing acts, which is completely inappropriate and disrespectful, friend or girlfriend, so you need to look at him in a real light and also ask yourself why you are interested in a barely there man.
Either way, emotional unavailability or not being interested, neither of these things spell anything good and they are signals that it is time to bail out.
Let him be mad – it’s a tactical thing pulled by this type of man so that he can start getting you to think you’ve done something wrong because he recognises that he’s done something bad. Yet another sign that he doesn’t have good intentions towards you… You may work together but leave it at that.
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