Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

Advice Wednesday #3: Widowed & Hurt From First Relationship Breakup–Can I Trust Again After Mr Unavailable?

By Reading Time: 6 Minutes

The tricky situation: I’m a 65-year-old widow of five years, (married forty years) going through my first relationship breakup since losing my husband. I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stand the mixed messages. I can’t understand what happened and keep ruminating.  He was separated (married 2 years), unhappy, and I was lonely–we had great chemistry. He came on strong but after 9 months, he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell his ex he was dating because “he didn’t want to hurt her”–claims he told her he didn’t love her.

She visits his house and wants to reconcile.  He’s been pulling away from me these last few months. Based on what he’s told me about past relationships, he seemed to act in a way that would cause me to do the breaking up so he wouldn’t have to. He always said he wouldn’t hurt me but I am hurt.  In retrospect, I think he always thought this was a short term relationship, maybe a time filler until getting back with his ex. I think he changed his mind about the separation. I also sense this is a pattern–he’s had many short-term relationships. His friend said the issue with his ex would never be resolved, implying that he’s done this before.  He fits all of the Mr Unavailable characteristics, could never discuss intimate feelings, is very secretive and is a poster boy for your red flag list— I ignored them because I was so lonely and somewhat naive. I’ve been No Contact for almost 2 months. Can I recover without ever really knowing the truth? I’m having panic attacks. I want him to know that I know what he did. Can I trust again at my age? Should I just be content to live alone?  My relationship vault is now in lockdown.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. For forty years, you knew where you were at and now you’re not only having to try and figure out how to live on without your husband but dating has changed significantly since back in the day when you met him. I hear from so many people who were in long term relationships that started before there was putting a profile online, texting, sexting, swiping left and right, talk of Friends With Benefits and booty calls, and the list goes on. They step back into dating, not realising that not everything people show or tell you online is real and taking what can often be the intensity of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding as a sign of a “happy ending”, only to wind up very disappointed and disillusioned. It’s also not helped by everyone from friends, family, society and the media making out as if your last chance saloon has gone if you’re a woman over 25, and if you take any of that guff seriously and it plays into any insecurities, you’ll jump on any attention that comes your way as if it’s your last meal.

Another factor that amped up the intensity of things is that you had what I call a Starvation or Lean Period–this is a period of time where you are starved out of affection, attention and love due to being hard on you in some way, feeling brokenhearted due to a loss, and not really knowing how to take care of you.

You mention loneliness: sometimes when you lose a loved one, due to feeling on some level as if you don’t want to be a nuisance or a burden and/or some loved ones acting what appears to be differently or even lacking empathy, you clam up and stop expressing your innermost feelings and thoughts including to yourself. This causes you to feel emotionally adrift, often triggering you into looking for something or someone to take away those feelings. When you then feel interest in someone for the first time and/or they express interest in you, it’s distorted plus, if and when things go awry, it re-opens feelings of loss and low self-worth that you’ve attempted to squash down.

You want to love and be loved and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural desire. Some of this situation stems from a need for someone to come along and fill a void and when you are looking for an external solution to something internal (unhappiness with you, not feeling “enough” and that you can cope on your own, wanting someone to take away your pain etc), this significantly impacts who you choose and what you will accept.

The same person that won't tell their ex that they're in a relationship with you because they "don't want to hurt him/her", won't tell you that they've gone back because they "don't want to hurt you". Flush!The thing about someone between relationships, so they’re not emotionally and/or legally and mentally over their ex, is that there’s a subconscious safety net. You don’t have to be as vulnerable as you would if they were genuinely free to pursue an out in the open, available relationship. It can’t ‘fail fail’ like you think an available relationship without restrictions can. This is a good time to ask yourself whether there is a part of you that’s afraid of truly putting you out there for fear that you will love and lose again?

The man who doesn’t tell his separated wife that he’s dating because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” will not tell the woman he is dating the truth when it’s needed because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” either.

The relationship was nine months and he pulled away for the last few months, suggesting that at least half of this relatively new relationship was in crisis–a code red alert. Factor in the honeymoon period where you don’t know each other yet and it appears that once normality kicked in and he had to show up and even follow through on promises, he passive aggressively edged his way out. He’s not out of contract and my spidey senses say that this is a guy who periodically gets his pants in a bunch, suddenly doesn’t feel like being married or committed, plays outside on the other green fields, and then goes back to wifey who has taken up the married Fallback Girl option of standing by her man and waiting for his tantrum to blow over. He’s not separated because he’s in the process of getting divorced; he’s having time out.

Courage is not your ex’s strong suit and he told you various stories as a subconscious means of dropping hints. He started something he could not finish. The fact that he kept insisting that he wouldn’t hurt you, aside from that being a promise that no one can make, it also suggests that you knew on some level that he was all shirt and no trousers and kept trying to get reassurance.

Here’s the thing: You already know everything–you just don’t like what you know and so you keep rejecting it, exchanging the truth for a set of untruths. What would him telling you what you already know do? What would you telling him do? You were there too. You have the truth right now it’s just that you are viewing it with the wrong perspective, stopping you from forming the conclusion that would stop your torture.

You’ve been involved with a Mr Unavailable who even if he claims it was not what he intended, used you as a form of escape from dealing with his inner problems and whatever is going on his marriage. Yes of course you are a grownup who has made choices but make no mistake: he has preyed on your vulnerability, your fear of being alone, and yes, your naivety. You were married for forty years–How are you supposed to have the experience to pick up on this man’s bullsh-t straight out the gate?

Accept what you know right now, wholly and fully. Stop trying to understand it or the situation to the nth degree. Yes, it is a loss that you have experienced (disappointment) but if you grieve it instead of beating you up, you will start to feel so much better. A great way of getting to the truth and healing from loss is writing Unsent Letters.

The panic attacks will subside when instead of rendering you helpless by trying to control the uncontrollable, you start taking care of you including taking responsibility for you. You don’t need to wait for a man to 1) be taken care of and 2) to have a good life. This would be a good time to attend grief counselling, to see your GP about the anxiety attacks, and to also look at social activities that you can partake in that will help you to not only meet and get to know people but to get to know you too. Let your loved ones in on your struggles. You will be OK. You’re never too old to love and you’re never too old to trust again. I know that life isn’t how you thought it would be but your husband no longer being here doesn’t mean his love is gone. Know also that when you love again, they’ve got to be someone that adds to your already good life, not your salvation. Don’t build a wall, build a better life for you with boundaries and self-care.

Your thoughts?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. If you want detailed one-to-one support, please use my consultation service.

Being passive and a pleaser can make you a sitting duck for unavailable relationships

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You get to have a say in any relationship you're involved in. Steer clear of anyone who shows or tells you otherwise

Sound familiar?

These are all examples of passive and people pleasing behaviour that make you ripe for not only being involved in unavailable relationships where the other party is the emotionally unavailable driver to your passenger self, doing everything on their terms, blowing hot and cold, managing down your expectations etc., but it can also place you with controlling partners who will happily leverage your eagerness to please, your unwillingness to step up for you and your reliance on being directed.

It’s Time To Heed The ‘Historical Data’ Instead Of Treating Shady Treatment As An Anomaly Or Something You Caused

By Reading Time: 5 Minutes

 

It's not random, a fluke, or an anomaly when a person takes advantage of or abuses you; it's a warning sign worth heeding

A few weeks back, Em and I shared the school run together. With just under twenty minutes before we were due to leave, I hopped into the shower and he was surprised when not only was I stood at the door with the kids ready to go, but that he had to go and get himself ready…. He claimed that based on “historical data”, he hadn’t expected that I would be ready on time. My ears pricked up immediately.

Historical data is something he deals with in risk software where they use the past to forecast the future including where they’re potentially exposed to risk. Based on his experiences of me getting ready, which wouldn’t necessarily be based on the school run…, he hadn’t expected me to be as ready as quickly as I was. Now of course, he could have written this off as an anomaly but instead, he’s had to adjust his understanding of the ‘data’.

This got me thinking: Aside from us using what we regard as historical data about ourselves to then predict potential negative outcomes and to cap our potential, we misuse, misread or just straight up disregard historical data that we hold on others by marking what we’re experiencing as an anomaly, or by deducing that whatever it was occurred due to a set of conditions (real or imagined) or deciding that we are that condition.

Now, when we experience something, it might be an anomaly in the sense of, this is what we perceive as being our first experience of it. We may decide that it’s an anomaly because we also think that it’s going to be our only experience of it. We may come up with all sorts of rationalisations for why whatever it was occurred and based on plans to people-please, work out that we can eliminate the possibility of it happening again. Or, we may genuinely believe that it really is anomaly. Of course if and when it happens again, that means that it wasn’t and it’s at this point where we need to heed that information.

What We Deserve Isn’t The Same As What Somebody Will Do

By Reading Time: 4 Minutes

When we focus on what we deserved, we often get caught up in blaming our worth for why it didn't happen

“I didn’t deserve to be treated this way”, Rita explained when I asked what it was that kept her hung up on her ex. I met Rita at an event and her friend, a BR reader, urged her to tell me her story of a five-year back and forth with a Mr Unavailable.

“Did he tell you that you deserved to be treated that way?”, I asked, with ‘that’ being the blowing hot and cold, the saying one thing, doing another, and a catalogue of commitment related letdowns that culminated in him bailing two days after he proposed to her in an effort to win her back, again.

“Well, no he didn’t. Quite the opposite – he kept telling me how I deserve better”, and she shared how he’d effectively tried to warn her off him…and then chased whenever she [temporarily] took him at his word.

“Okay, so if he didn’t say that you deserved to be treated in this way, who exactly told you that you did? Even if he’d had the brass nuts to so much as suggest that you deserved all of that malarkey, that in no way makes that true, so who said that you deserve this?”

There was a long pause and a myriad of emotions crossed her face, and then she whispered, “Me.”

It’s important to know what we deserve, such as love, care, trust, and respect, and it’s important for us to also recognise where this falls short in certain relationships, but it’s critical that we don’t confuse our sense of what we deserve with what I talked about a couple of weeks ago – feeling entitled to something. When we act this way and our expectations aren’t met, we adopt a bailiff mentality of trying to collect a debt or blame our inadequacies for why we don’t have the ability to sufficiently influence and control the feelings and behaviour of others.

Sometimes persistence is boundary busting pestering

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Persistence is sometimes pestering, especially when it involves boundary busting

Sometimes we mistake a person’s boundary busting pestering for tenacity, when they’re actually being persistent at doing the same thing and expecting different results. What they’re also doing is trying to bulldoze or act like a battering ram until they achieve their goal. They’re forceful and it’s important not to mistake it for assertiveness. Aggressive people try to own other people’s behaviour and their feelings, but not in the same way that a People Pleaser does. What they do is try to change a person’s feelings or behaviour with force so that they can get what they want, need, and expect. A People Pleaser just tries to please their way to change.

When we mistake a person’s persistence with tenacity, we forget that for it to be the latter, they would actually have to be paying attention to ‘feedback’ from their own responses as well as the other party and the experiences, so that they could adapt their behaviour and thinking. In a situation where they’ve already treated us without love, care, trust, and respect, by being persistent pests, they’re not learning from the insights that they would have gained, if they weren’t so busy being single-minded while possibly claiming that it’s in our interests.

I’ve had a few people remark on the ‘tenacity’ of their exes who like a cockroach that survives a nuclear bomb, they’re still ‘there’ circumventing blocks and in some instances, disregarding restraining orders. Sometimes we mistake a person’s pestering as flattering and ‘determination’. We don’t recognise that as a basic, that person has boundary issues and lacks empathy, operating with a sense of entitlement that can be staggering at times.

With a very persistent, pestering person, it may feel like an almost full-time occupation to keep them at bay or to re-explain yourself.

It’s exhausting to be in a situation where no matter what you say, no matter how stressed or upset you appear, no matter the past evidence, that person, now that it suits them (and possibly because they’re rattled by not being in control and you’re resisting complying), that person is persisting in trying to get your attention and to do what they want. What do they want? What does this all mean? They’re trying so hard and I feel so mean, we wonder.

But focus on something: They’re persisting at trying to get what they want. You don’t have the same goals and if you mistake what they’re doing for tenacity, you will cave because you will assume that their actions represents a mutual goal that they’re going about in a cack-handed manner.

Their behaviour doesn’t make a good audition tape for having mutual interests. You could stamp their application with, Does Not Respect Boundaries and Pursues Their Aims By Any Means Necessary…Even At The Expense of My Wellbeing. Maybe even, Restraining Order Needed. Even if your goal is peace and to move on, theirs isn’t.

When somebody says one thing, does another, thinks something else

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couple of peg people with one talking about the Future

It’s understandable to feel very perplexed when somebody says one thing and does another. It’s all the more confusing when they literally told you something only hours or days before and then did something that ran so counter to what they originally said, that you wonder if you blacked out for a period of time and dreamt the whole thing. You simply won’t be able to fathom how somebody can do a complete one-eighty.

peg figure saying 'Shit. I've made a big mistake'

They don’t really feel all of their feelings and think all of their thoughts and connect them with their actions and words. They say something but they don’t think about what that means beyond that moment so they forget that what they said has some actions that need to go with it, along with some implications, or that it might totally contradict certain beliefs.

About ‘going with the flow’

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About Going With The Flow by Nat Lue Baggage Reclaim - two people rowing in the opposite directionAbout Going With The Flow by Nat Lue Baggage Reclaim

I’ve been on a few trips with people where one or both of us have suggested that we ‘go with the flow’ instead of making firm plans. I found that we were either on the same page and had a great time or… it turned out to be a clash of ideals because one of us had firm ideas about what they did or didn’t want to do which reared their ugly head while ‘flowing’. Since then, I know not to take the easy route of suggesting ‘the flow’ if it’s not my true want, especially because it paves the way for an honest conversation about what we both want to get out of the trip.

Similarly in relationships, if you’re both travelling in the same direction (similar outlook, needs, wants, expectations etc), it’s easy to ‘go with the flow’ organically, especially when you’re both willing to have an open dialogue in the interests of going with that flow. Where it becomes problematic is when one of you is doing your best to stall the flow or to steer down a different path, possibly while still claiming that you’re ‘going with the flow’.

In dating and relationships, the suggestion of ‘going with the flow’ can create unease if it crops up in a conversation where you are essentially seeking clarification about the other person’s position and/or the status of your relationship.

Time and again I’ve heard people express how the moment they heard this, it was the start of a slide down a slippery slope of self-doubt (Am I being needy/uptight?) and not listening to their own needs, expectations and wishes to ensure that they tallied up with the ‘flow’ that was being suggested.

The Trouble With Lying & Cheating (Why you need to stick to a low BS diet)

By Reading Time: 6 Minutes

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The trouble with lying and deceiving is that aside from putting forward a deliberately false statement and seeking to gain an advantage or to avoid something undesirable, is that the people who habitually lie and cheat are often supported by people who have faith in them and may even fight their corner.

When lying and cheating is uncovered, it’s devastating to the trusting believers because they’ve based their own version of reality on the lies and deception. They’ve interacted with these people and said, been and done certain things that by supporting these people, has actually helped them to gain further advantage.

Lies and deception give power while aggressively and passive aggressively robbing power from others. It’s like holding all or a lot of the cards and being privy to knowledge that the other parties aren’t. Like when you’re involved with someone who knows that they don’t want a relationship and that they don’t see you ‘like that’ but they say and do other things in order to keep you in their back pocket for rainy day entertainment and to pass time with. They’re not honest and upfront because they know that if they were, you would (hopefully – you’d be surprised how many take this as challenge) tell them to take a run and jump.

When people lie and cheat, they remove your right of reply to the truth as it stands.

As I said to the Mr Unavailable who gave me my epiphany, “You had no right to decide that this was a scenario that I would be OK with.” We have a right to input. He could have told me the truth and I could in turn have chosen to proceed or back away but at least the choice would have been mine. Instead he veered between Future Faking or disappearing from time to time to take the heat off.

The Quality of Our Relationships *Matter*. Forget Forced, Go Organic

By Reading Time: 5 Minutes

The quality of our relationships is very much dependent on what we know about each other, what we do, and who we are in our relationships.

The quality of our relationships romantic and otherwise matter. A lot of the issues that we come up against when we struggle with dating and forging healthy relationships are rooted in essentially attempting to create ‘quality’ relationships even though we’re not involved in a healthy partnering, whether it’s down to incompatible core values or unhealthy behaviour, which will eventually render you incompatible anyway no matter how many other things you claim to have in common.

If you tend to think about you or what happens in your life in terms of being “good enough”, you’ll find that when you consider the quality of your relationships, far too much emphasis is put on ‘worth’; you’re thinking that there’s something wrong with you that is affecting the quality of the relationship or what the other person is doing, while at the same time putting the other person on a pedestal and giving over all of your power.

The quality of our relationships is very much dependent on what we know about each other, what we do, and who we are in our relationships. Note that I said know not assume, do not talking about doing stuff but it not materialising or contradictory actions that possibly might contradict words, are as in, whether we are our true selves or fake selves or even doormat selves, and the same for the other party.

This is why there are people who feel really ‘connected’ with someone in spite of the fact that when all is said and done, they don’t hold a great deal of knowledge on the other party.

It’s also why some relationships seem to have more time spent fighting for them or making up from fighting for them than they do actually living them because so much time and effort is devoted to passive aggressively or aggressively trying to ‘make’ the other person be or do something or to surrender their values.

It’s definitely why so many people seem genuinely surprised that they’re not in a ‘quality’ relationship with someone who by their own admission is aggressive or shady. If someone’s told or shown you that they are certain things, it’s only betting on potential and denial that is creating the “surprise” element when they live up to being who they are.

Healthy, mutual relationships happen organically with two people copiloting the relationship while also retaining their identities and owning their own. i.e. none of this making other people’s behaviour about you malarkey.

The quality of what we try to make our relationships out of matter.

You can’t override valid concerns with connection, chemistry, sex etc and plough ahead because when the pain kicks in, it will be over the very things that you thought you could ignore or shove under the carpet. Healthy relationships aren’t built on a foundation of wonky, busted or non-existent boundaries or all manner of secrets, lies, or things you’re ignoring. All the love in the world won’t erase these issues.

Indecision About You Isn’t Sexy Or Acceptable

By Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When someone is indecisive about you, they're on the fence instead of being in the relationship with both feet firmly planted in.

If you’ve ever been with someone who blows hot and cold by one day professing their love for you and talking about the future to the next day getting cold feet and saying “I don’t want to hurt you” or even ‘going dark’, you’ll know that being on the end of someone’s indecision isn’t good for your soul or your self-esteem.

A friend was excited when her boyfriend said that he was taking her away and that he was going to buy “a ring” all without any prompting from her. On the day that they were due to fly off, he showed up weeping and saying “I can’t do this”. Somehow she forgave him and then he flipped and flapped for another few years until she ran out of patience and sympathy and made up his mind for him by removing herself out of the equation.

When someone is indecisive about being with you, it’s not sexy or acceptable.

Being vulnerable is something that the great majority of people have some degree of fear about but it’s a necessity for something as basic as feeling our own feelings and taking in reality as well as being a fundamental component of our relationships. None or limited vulnerability equals intimacy issues equals commitment issues equals balance, progression and consistency issues equals you dealing with someone who isn’t available for an available relationship.

They’re on the fence instead of being in the relationship with both feet firmly planted in.

Indecisive people have commitment issues. They appear to make decisions and then afterwards start to panic and backtrack to relieve their fears. Then when they feel calm again based on the change in decision, they then worry if they made the wrong decision. And round and round they go.

You can end up falling into the trap of trying to help them make up their minds and even attempting to allay their fears and in the meantime, you end up forgetting your own needs and cross into over-empathising instead of recognising what indecision means in the bigger picture. You can also end up internalising their anxiety. Maybe I should I have doubts too?

Indecision is actually a decision in itself and to be on the receiving end of it can be torture. Someone who truly cares for you and is empathetic will recognise that it’s not acceptable and will not continue the flip-flapping or take advantage of your own decisiveness about them.

Is It Time For You To Opt Out of The Disappointment Cycle?

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BAD RELATIONSHIP CYCLE

Sometimes you can find yourself ‘trapped’ in this cycle of doing the same thing over and over again on the basis that in spite of evidence to the contrary, you still believe there to be the possibility of the original reward or ‘big payout’. There are a number of people I correspond with who it doesn’t seem to matter how many times they are disappointed by the same person, when that person gets in touch, they respond and do all manner of things. Then they feel disappointed and vow to do differently but yet the next time the person does the same thing (or variations of it), they will respond in a similar way.

The person calls and asks for something —— >; They spring into action even though they have reservations —>; They think that maybe ‘this time’ it’s for real —–>; They feel validated by receiving the call and doing whatever it was that was asked (they feel needed, valued, more important than someone else they’re involved with etc) —>; The relationship doesn’t materialise —>; They feel despondent —>; They wonder why what they did wasn’t enough —>; They think about how they need to move on and forget this person —->; Some time passes (possibly the same amount of time as usual) —->;The person calls but doesn’t ask for something —— >; They are curious and take the call —–>; They feel validated and hopeful along with other short-term feel good emotions although they no doubt feel cautious —>; They’re afraid to tell them to jog on because what if this time is different? What if this time it’s for real? —>; They sleep together / hang out —->;The relationship doesn’t materialise —>; They feel despondent —>; They wonder why what they did wasn’t enough —>; They think about how they need to move on and forget this person —->; Some time passes (possibly the same amount of time as usual) —->; And…. lather, rinse, repeat.

Now if you’re looking at these as isolated situations, you might think that they were different, but in reality, in this example, one time the person called and asked for something and one time they didn’t ask for anything ‘upfront’ although there is an ‘understanding’, the other party sprung into hopeful action thinking that they would get the ‘big payout’, it didn’t happen (again) and they felt bad afterwards (again).

they say i've change

What’s catching you out in these situations is being hopeful for the ‘big payout’, i.e. the relationship you want or whatever, but being side-tracked by the short-term or even instant high. Sometimes you get sidetracked by your ego. At some point you need to be saying “Er, this ‘reward’ doesn’t exist / it’s not worth it.” At some point you need to opt out of the The Disappointment Cycle that you’re in with the same person. If you stop viewing the situation in the same way that you have previously, you will recognise the pattern of disappointment and learn from the insights gained – you certainly wouldn’t continue responding because that would be insanity – doing the same thing and expecting different results.