In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the tricky topic of emotional blackmail. One of the things I became really aware of about some of the painful situations that I used to find myself in is that not only did I experience emotional blackmail, but I didn’t recognise it for what it was at the time because I was desensitised to it thanks to childhood experiences but also because I was prone to emotionally blackmailing myself via my people pleasing. I’m not alone in having been through this, and I think it’s vital to educate ourselves to not just recognise it in others but to be aware of signs from within us that we’re experiencing it.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- Emotional blackmail is direct and indirect coercion aimed at influencing and controlling your feelings and behaviour so that the person gets what they want. It results in you ignoring your needs, wants, expectations, feelings, desires and opinions to capitulate to their demands that are disguised as a ‘loving’ desire.
- In emotional blackmail dynamics, the person demands empathy understanding and agreement to their desires but doesn’t give you these in return.
- What happened after you said/showed no or they perceived resistance? A) Nothing, everything was normal.B) Their mood, attitude and behaviour changed by enough of a degree that you felt tense, uncomfortable, afraid, anxious.C) They backed away from something they’d previously agreed to or promised.
There is a boundary issue if it’s B or C, especially if it results in them getting what they want and they’re willing to capitalise on your discomfort and upset. Someone who isn’t emotionally blackmailing you won’t be comfortable with you acquiescing if they so much as suspect that you’re doing it to appease them or doing it out of fear. They’d rather address the issue.
- Someone who speaks the language of emotional blackmail presents their desire as being something you ‘should’ both want, and any hesitation or resistance on your part, or quite simply being unable to meet their demand, is read as you hurting them and not wanting what is supposedly in the best interests of the relationship.
- Their behaviour isn’t a one-off, and it’s not caused by you. It’s a pattern of behaviour that they’ve learned is effective at getting them what they want and/or avoiding responsibility, conflict, abandonment etc.
- It’s critical to recognise that doing what you think is diffusing tension, getting them off your back or making a point, is a vicious cycle. It provides temporary relief and then you’re back to square one or worse.
Links mentioned
- Getting truthful about our intentions and the importance of recognising where we’re emotionally blackmailing ourselves
- Are you dealing with a Chopper (someone who keeps trying to cut you down)?
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Ha.
“Someone who isn’t emotionally blackmailing you won’t be comfortable with you acquiescing if they so much as suspect that you’re doing it to appease them or doing it out of fear.”
The ex literally and specifically demanded that I CAPITULATE to him, demanding I apologize to a friend of his after I left an event where she was fondling his junk and he was having the time of his life. Yes, the word capitulate was used. That was the absolute end for me.
I stopped, put on a big old passive-aggressive smile, agreed just to end the tirade but I never intended to follow through and was mentally ticking off the “what I need to do to gtfo asap” boxes. It’s sick sick sick behavior.
I knew it was effed up but didn’t know exactly what it was, thanks for helping me “name” it.
Wow, that’s pretty damn scary. I think that sometimes, obscenely inappropriate situations are there to show us unequivocally who someone is and what we need to do. This was most definitely one of those.
Huh, emotional blackmail.
My friend accused me of doing that to him few days ago.
He met a girl in one of the mobile games and from the start decided they have connection. When he heard her story about fiance who left her for another just before their wedding, he straight up told her he won’t ever leave or hurt her. That was few months ago. And since then he’s? getting deeper into that relationship. So far to saying they’ll get married and start family together.
At first I was happy and was supporting him. Up until I found him getting drunk because she blew up when he told her he can’t trust her completely yet. She told him they can’t be together if he’s not sure of her 100%. After 3 days of begging on his part she agreed maybe they’ll be together one day. Since then he’s doing everything to shelter her from any negative thing, hiding his doubts and parts of himself to “build her confidence”
That rised up red flag. So I started asking questions. First one was when they’ll meet. And got “probably when she’ll move closer to me in 3 years time”. Why not sooner? “She’s afraid and don’t have any? confidence with her history”. Next was how do you two contact each other? “Line, she can’t have phone number or FB or Instagram because of her work as a prosecutor”. He doesn’t even know her city name. Not to mention address.
And here went even more red flags. We all are in the same country. Different parts of it, but why not take plane or road trip during holidays or vacation to meet? Contacting through line? It’s pretty much anonymous and looks strange too. Excuse about “my job forbid me using phone”, for security reasons when she’s using her pictures on line, discord and in games is weak too. And telling about cheating ex is how she starts conversations with everyone (another friend playing that game confirmed it). I told all that to my friend. He had response to everything. It started with: she never flirts with anyone in game, gave him access to her game account, deleted everyone beside him on her contact list, they don’t text anymore only make calls everyday, and finally, she told him she loves him and is sure of what they have.
He ended that with saying I don’t know much about her and am trying to build her negative image to make him choose between his love and friendship. And in that case he’s prepared to leave all his friends to make sure his GF won’t get upset by one of them. After that I felt? stupid. Was I really tried to blackmail or help him. Thanks to you I stopped doubting myself.
Yeah, you’re definitely not the one engaging in emotional blackmail in this situation. He’s being catfished — and on some level, he knows this. Rather than admit it, he’s accusing you of what she’s doing to him. It’s not unusual for an abuser to cause isolation. I hope that he gets out of this relationship soon. He’s not in a place where he can hear you. Don’t play into her hands by giving her an excuse to cast you as the enemy.
I hope so too.
But more probably he’ll stay with her for the next 3 years, or until she decide she got all she wanted from him. He’s just so afraid of loneliness.
Last time we spoke, he told me how another guy tried to flirt with her and that she never responded. Describe?d how that new guy tried to make her care about him by telling her how broken he is when his ex left.
Then my friend added how he hates when people are trying to use her kind nature.
To him it was another proof she’s starting to love him.
To me, first thought was “wow, you can see this, and not that she’s doing the same thing to you” and second “she wants even more attention and see how jealous you can get”.
I didn’t said it though, just some general comment that people use each other a lot if they can get away with it.
I’m trying to just ignore this “elephant in the room” which is his relationship and act with him as usual. It’s still frustrating to see him trying so hard for someone who doesn’t care. But like you said, he doesn’t? want to see it. And trying to explain/show those red flags will only give opposite reaction. All i can do is probably offer him support when he’ll need it.
Having a teenager has triggered almost everything in me I worked on for all of these years. I hugely struggle now with things i had really stopped having issues with after many years of work. As a result of feeling so overwhelmed i struggle with feeling powerless in everything i try and i cause myself emotional blackmail over the same as a default of not having figured out any succesful ways to help with the struggles we are having. I am a single mother. Then sometimes i have begun to say “if you cared how much stress this adds to me” you would just do your part. I dont mean to emotionally blackmail and it hasnt even worked i just have tried everything and in desperation hope that would bring change. When nothing does i hold myself hostage again emotionally. I have learned so much positive from Natalie and baggage reclaim over the years, more than anything in my life, and the struggles i am having now are related to similar emotional things being triggered in new ways having a teenager. I hope to figure out how to use what ive learned in applying to these things for better because right now i am struggling in ways personally beyond measure and feel very and completely alone. Thank you for letting me share this to feel less alone. <3 <3 <3
Hi HappyAgain. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a challenging time. It’s a lot to manage on your own, and it’s important to acknowledge that you’re effectively trying to do the job of two people. That’s exhausting and sets you up for pain. When we’re a single parent, we often feel guilty shout being so, as if you say that we’re failing them by not having remained in the relationship. You might be burnt out from trying to make it up to him. It’s also possible that you might be over-personalising some aspects of his behaviour because of the overwhelm. It’s on my reading list but check out The Five Love Languages for teens as well as Raising Boys. I would also enlist extra support with a professional. It’s possible that the school might be anle to support you too. Don’t try to do this all on your own, but also, don’t forget that you have needs. One of the things that teens need to understand as they try to expand their wings and do things on their terms, is that they can’t have more freedom without more responsibility. I’m thinking of you.
Natalie,
Thank you. Yes i do know i am over personalizing many things and that is part of the triggering and me needing to figure out how to apply what i have learned to this relationship. I have read both those books and more and am getting some professional help as well as school resources (mandatory) because he has made some poor choices. I also still use my papers from the classes i have taken from you especially in challenging times. I keep many of them on my nighstand for before bed writing. Alot of what you say rings true. Character stretching is no fun but hopefully we will make it through ok. Thank you for your consideration.
This was helpful for me. I’m currently separated from my husband, mostly due to issues with emotional blackmail / boundaries. We moved twice together, the last time being a relocation 100 miles from home, both pushed by him, lots of what seemed to me to be emotional blackmail (“move or we’ll never see each other”). I then got angry and resentful. He’s had enough. I desperately want to reconcile with him but am accepting – or trying to accept – where we’re at. He doesn’t understand or accept that if I said no and told him all my reasons, that he should listen. His reasoning is that if I eventually relented and said yes, that is on me. Although he did say look, he’d tried to make things better being out here, so that shows he was sorry. I held on to anger for far, far too long. What was the point in expecting him to be someone different? To make me really believe he was sorry? The anger festered and damaged our relationship.
Anyway, I find I need confirmation/validation that there was blackmail because he blames everything on me and I have a tendency to blame everything on myself.
Thank you. Yes i do know i am over personalizing many things and that is part of the triggering and me needing to figure out how to apply what i have learned to this relationship.