As I watched a press conference on the news earlier this week, I acknowledged a familiar uneasiness that reminded me of when I’d been in other situations like it. I was being gaslighted. The person was attempting to shift reality by creating doubt and confusion through misinformation, misdirection, contradiction and centring themselves rather than acknowledge the problem. So… on this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the subject of gaslighting. I share examples and break down why it’s gaslighting, plus I talk about how to recognise it in your relationships.
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Examples of gaslighting
- Denying something they said or did even though you witnessed, heard it, or it was done to you.
- Deliberately altering a piece of work but pretending that they haven’t. Or, telling you to make changes to a piece of work and then denying they did.
- Exaggerating what you did or straight-up making up something so that, for example, you believe you have a drinking problem or that you did something to someone. They might tell you that you’re not to bring it up with the people in question because they ‘just want to move on’. When you speak with those people and they tell you that you weren’t drunk or that you didn’t do anything wrong, the gaslighter says that they’re just saying that to be kind or makes you questioning their version of events about you not loving and believing them.
- Flirting or hitting on someone right in front of you. Sending dodgy texts (and you’ve seen them with your own eyes). Somehow, though, they flipped this around and say that you’re jealous, possessive, a psycho, etc.
- Distancing from/ignoring someone, and basically altering your relationship with them, denying that you are when they ask you about it, but still distancing and ignoring. It’s letting the person believe that it’s all in their imagination especially when it’s become apparent that this person is aware of what’s going on but you’re trying to avoid conflict and play it down.
- Denying the existence of their problematic behaviour. Next thing, it’s ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. They might claim that they’re okay with what they did and that they have no regrets. They might assert that what they did is okay, it’s other people’s portrayal of it that’s upset you, or your perception of it.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ isn’t an apology and it definitely isn’t empathy. They’re implying that your feelings are the problem, not what they did.
- Denying their involvement in something and making out that you’re the liar. When you’re understandably angry about it, they refuse to acknowledge the problem and insist that you both be ‘adults’ about it.
- Repeatedly making out that you are the problem by calling you ‘needy’, ‘too sensitive’, ‘paranoid’, ‘too dependent’, ‘dramatic’ and the like, so that they can benefit from you believing it. They also continue being and doing the thing that they claim is your problem.
- Lying and cheating, but denying they are, and then doing that very thing. Even if you catch them red-handed, they claim that it wasn’t them or that you’re misinterpreting things.
- Acting like they didn’t say those things at the beginning of the relationship. Rather than own up to overestimating their capacity for a relationship or overestimating their feelings; rather than admit that they have form for getting carried away and being emotionally unavailable, they make out like you’re the one who has the wrong end of the stick.
Links mentioned
- What’s The Baggage Behind It? (ep. 2)
- Dealing With Tricky Co-Workers (ep. 5)
- Break The Cycle online course
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Not listened yet but if the press conference is what I am guessing it is it will be the one that has caused Brits to take to their cars to “test their eyesight”. I really really really felt he should be sacked. Arrogant so & so. He broke rules * no question*.
Thank you for this episode. Years ago I had a narcissistic, cheating, spoiled, charming, manipulative boyfriend who used to secretly record my conversations with him. He only recorded me at my worst, of course.
I became aware of this one evening near the end of our relationship when we were having a heated argument at the kitchen table, and he got up to get something from a hallway cabinet. I got a glimpse of his little recorder, and I immediately thought, “omg he’s going to record this.” When he sat down, his tone changed, he sounded all calm and reasonable, and he asked me to repeat something.
Instead I replied, “Why has your tone suddenly changed?” I wanted to get this on his messed up “record.” We went back and forth for a while with him trying to recap the discussion in his rational and stable voice, and then setting me up to sound hysterical. I kept repeating things like, “It’s interesting how different your tone and approach has been for the past give minutes. You changed so dramatically after you got up just now. Before you were doing x, now you’re doing y, etc.”
Finally, I just asked, “Are you recording this conversation?” At this point he admitted that he was, and I asked him to listen with me, which he refused.
When I asked whether he had recorded me before, he said, “yes.” I was angry, upset, and frankly ashamed wondering what crazy things he had recorded me saying. We’d had some epic arguments where I probably sounded like a psycho, and I am pretty sure he played them for others.
He defended himself, as he always did, by saying he had done nothing wrong, as the recordings were simply “enhanced memories.”
It’s amazing how angry it makes me feel years later to remember this. When I asked him to delete the other recordings, he said they’d be too hard to find, on an old device, etc., etc. and evaded me.
I honestly don’t think he had the capacity to feel empathy, but that’s another story. My point is that he was the most egregious and skilled gaslighter I’ve ever known. He tried to make me feel crazy a million times, and even secretly recorded me to gather some kind of sick “evidence” to prove himself or humiliate me later.
Anyway, I liked this episode because it’s so true and important for people to hear, but man it brought back some awful memories!
Sarah, that is some scary, scary stuff. Totally effed-up and manipulative! I don’t blame you for feeling angry when you recall it. It’s his audacity to do this while actually trying to coddle himself with the delusion that he was ‘OK’. He did something that many abusers do: he set you up. Things that you thought were your fault or strange coincidences or ‘random’ where arguments started or he went off on you, or something strange happened that he later seemed to benefit from, he had a hand in it.
Yes, our ‘favourite’ person, haha.
Hi Natalie,
I would love to hear your thoughts on handling friends who have remained silent and/or are unwilling to listen and learn to the reasons for the protest in America.
Is it ok to end friendships?
Should you call them out?
Is there a right way to appropriately distance yourself from those friendships?
How do you talk about it without making someone feeling attacked?
Among other questions and thoughts.
Thank you for considering!
Hi Hope, there isn’t a one size fits all answer for this. It’s more like an ‘It depends…’ You need to understand the nature of your friendships as well as their closeness. If the person is silent about lots of things then they are running true to form. If they’re normally giving it the big talk about everything else but are silent about this, then you can, of course, be curious about why that is. It’s also a question of whether the person is silent with you but possibly not elsewhere, because, of course, not everyone is living out their lives on the internet or advertising what they do behind closed doors. So, it can certainly be an opening to a conversation, but probably best not to demand to know why they’re silent. Open up a dialogue, and see where you go from there. People like Nova Reid, Rachel Cargle, Layla Afsaad (episode 186 points to resources), to name but a few, have resources on their social profiles, websites and books on these topics. And if someone doesn’t want to listen or learn the reasons, and that’s something that’s a non-negotiable for your relationships, then you have your answer as to how to proceed.
This came at the exact right moment I needed it. Thought I’d conquered gaslighting thanks to the talents of an ex-NPD abuser, but realized that I’m currently in a fallout/tailspin because of a much *more* talented gaslighter. Long story short,I found his cam girl account, and then, he went right down the list — yelling, calling me a liar and a manipulator for things that didn’t even make sense, telling me how much HE hurt, what a victim HE was., again for these past things that didn’t even make sense. Off the rails angry about my hurt and angry feelings of betrayal.
It’s so critical to remain vigilant even if we ‘know the ropes’/’can spot one a mile away,’ etc. It can be so big, so baked in, that we can’t see it. But I’ll tell you what, having just experienced a five day panic attack: we can feel it.
Ouch, Rachel. That sounds like a painful and destabilising interaction. It’s a code red alert when someone loses it and attacks you, all while pulling a switcheroo and calling themselves the victim. I’m so sorry that you went through that. Your body knows, indeed. I hope that you’ve been able to distance yourself from him and entrench yourself in the truth.