Conflict and Criticism Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 116: Conflict In Friendships: It doesn’t have to spell the end

November 16, 2018 By NATALIE Leave a Comment Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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We’re back on the friendship season in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. This time, I delve into the topic of conflict in friendships. How confident do you feel about raising an issue with a friend? If you avoid talking about what’s on your mind for fear that the friendship will end or you do speak up, but feel as if it always backfires, you’re not alone. The two resounding messages about broaching, managing or resolving conflict in friendships were:

I’m afraid that if I speak up on an issue, the friendship will end.

No matter how I approach it, they react badly and the friendship doesn’t survive.

In this episode I share:

Why fear of being abandoned by our friends represents a trust and intimacy issue.
The contributing factors that lead to prolonged awkwardness or an ending after conflict in friendships.
Tips for evolving our relationship with conflict so that we don’t have to feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Some nuggets from the episode:

We all need to learn to be OK with conflict. Not all-singing and dancing, but OK with experiencing it. Broaching issues, dealing and overcoming — it’s how we (and our relationships) grow. We need to be OK with the possibility of conflict occurring in our life. This is not because we need to be in conflict all the time, though (that’s a problem in itself)! We need to know on a personal level that we can step up and speak up when we need to. This is how we know that we have healthy boundaries. We also need to know that if and when something arises, that we are prepared to speak up.
If we’re afraid of being abandoned if we speak up about an issue with a friend, this represents trust issues. We either know that this is not a viable friendship and that we’re basically delaying the inevitable, or they have earned our trust but we don’t trust ourselves. Either way, we don’t have our own back. This damages the intimacy and integrity of the relationship because we’re unable to be honest and authentic.
The questions we need to ask ourselves when we opt for silence instead of addressing an issue with a friend are:
- Firstly, how is me saying nothing affecting the way I show up?
- How is my silence affecting the integrity of the relationship?
- If I say nothing, what will continue?
Tone, language, approach, timing — these have a significant impact on the outcome of a conflict situation.
We have to acknowledge that even if we use a nice tone to deliver bad news, we’re still delivering bad news!
If you address an issue with someone who always casts themselves as the victim in every situation, you will become their persecutor.
How long an issue existed for prior to us broaching the subject has an impact on how the other party will perceive our disclosure of the issue.
You know those people who can’t stay in a relationship beyond the honeymoon period or who bolt at the first sign of conflict? Well, some people are like this with friendships. That means that even if it takes twenty-five years for an issue to be raised, they will exit stage left rather than resolve.
Sometimes an issue (or what we think it says about them or the friendship) means that it’s the correct outcome for the friendship to end.
There’s a difference between a misunderstanding or concern in a healthy friendship, and those situations presenting themselves in a not-so-healthy friendship.
It’s OK for someone to feel upset or even angry after we tell them about our unhappiness with something they’ve said or done. Just because we’re the ones with the issue doesn’t mean that we’re the only ones who get to feel.
When we get clear on what we want, what we’re asking of a friend when we broach an issue, we can get clear on our intentions and motivations.
- What do we want them to do? It bears thinking about!
- What needs to change going forward?
- What is the purpose of us telling them [about the issue]?
  - It’s critical to remember that it’s about what’s right for the relationship not who’s right. If our intention is to tell them so that they feel bad or so that they feel obliged to change [into who we want them to be], we might need to check ourselves.
If someone has no interest in changing problematic behaviour that’s impinging on our friendship with them, our wishes don’t matter.

Links mentioned

Ep. 106: Friendship Means Different Things To Different People
Ep. 108: A Friend Should…
Ep. 110: Jealousy & Envy In Friendships
Embrace Healthy Boundaries course
Karpman drama triangle

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Podcast Ep. 114: Have I Outgrown My Friendship?

November 2, 2018 By NATALIE 9 Comments Reading Time: 2 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, we’re back on the topic of friendship. Sometimes we believe that we’ve outgrown a friendship (or that they’ve outgrown us). I delve into the main causes (life stage, personal growth and the friendship stagnating), why this leads to us sometimes distancing ourselves, and why we have to be careful of assumptions and judgements.

Some nuggets from the episode:

Our friendships can travel down various roads on our journey through life and, yes, hit some bumpy patches, but this doesn’t have to mean that we’ve outgrown the friendship. It’s possible that, for example, two people can be in a different phase for a while, reconnect and continue on. It’s the whole “live and let live” and allowing the friendship to evolve. My friendship spans three decades, various phases, and, yes, times when we weren’t in the same place, and yet the friendship has endured because we’re fundamentally friends.
The six P’s of life stage differences: partying, parenthood, partnering, prosperity, principles and personal crisis
“A lot of people seem to feel uncomfortable with the idea that their friend is ‘different’. News flash: All your friends are different because they’re not you!”
Distancing ourselves is something that many people wrestle with when it comes to outgrowing friendships. Sometimes we want to distance ourselves but are afraid of hurting feelings; sometimes we’re distancing ourselves and blaming our friends while failing to acknowledge that we’re projecting our feelings onto them. And sometimes we delay on distancing because we haven’t found replacements.
We are bound to outgrow any friendship that relies on us being stuck in a role. e.g. victim, rescuer, the one who always has to be down and out.
A friendship will lack depth and stop growing if there’s codependence, it’s toxic, or it’s quite simply stuck in the past.
If we try to distance ourselves with “hurting” the friend, we run the risk of behaving like that person who tries to come out smelling of roses after ending the relationship. When we focus on how we look, on wanting to be Mr(s) Nice Guy, we’re far more likely to be inconsiderate of the other person’s feelings because our motivations are skewed.

Links mentioned

Ep. 106: Friendship Means Different Things To Different People
Ep. 108: A Friend Should…
Ep. 110: Jealousy & Envy In Friendships
Ep. 80: Saying Goodbye and Ep. 81: Saying Hello about losing my father
The Replacement Mentality

Podcast Ep. 113: You Don’t Have Hold Yourself Hostage To A Conversation (Or Drama)

October 26, 2018 By NATALIE 5 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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It’s not your job to go around fixing everybody’s feelings. by Natalie Lue When someone has an issue, there can sometimes be this expectation that we must fix their feelings about it, even when it becomes apparent that we’re not at fault or we’re not the person that they need to address the situation with. On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I use a recent experience of this to highlight the importance of being self-aware and drawing our line when we need to. Turns out, we are not duty-bound to hold ourselves hostage to any conversation. Yes, even with family.

Some nuggets from the episode:

I explain how one hour into shopping, I paused and acknowledged that I was angry and indignant. As soon as I became mindfully aware of my feelings, they subsided. Without that awareness, I might have dealt with the situation altogether differently. The anger would have expressed itself through passive aggression.
Sometimes we have to ask ourselves “What has gone on in the past that might prompt me to respond in the way that I am in this moment?”
We don’t have to pretend that, for example, that isn’t someone who’s The Favourite. No, we don’t have to take up residence in this recognition and persecute ourselves about it, but we cultivate a sense of humour about what might be the absurdity of the situation when we recognise, for instance, that a sibling is The Golden Child, The Prodigal Son/Daughter etc.
With misunderstandings, sometimes the things that people say to and about you raise alarm bells. You become aware of their distrust, their insecurities. Maybe some issues that they’ve hoarded. You realise that perhaps you’re not quite as cool as you thought you both were.
It’s not your job to be the listener, the fixer, the perfect one, the peacekeeper, the scapegoat, the black sheep.

“Just because you’re someone’s daughter/son, it doesn’t mean that your job is to let them have a tirade at you. It doesn’t mean they can unleash on you. It doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to solve all their problems. There are other ways for you to be [their daughter/son].”

Consider the things that you believe are in your job description. It’s my job to do this in my family. It’s my job to do this as a person. Those things are not your job. These are things that over time, you’ve told yourself they’re what you need to be and do in order to feel worthy and needed. Anything that’s causing you to disrespect who you are as a person, to invalidate your needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions, that’s not cool. And it’s not your job.
Sometimes people want to be angry. Sometimes we don’t want to move on from stuff.
People don’t feel about things based on how things are. People feel about things based on what they believe including what they want to believe. When we start to observe people’s idiosyncrasies for what they are, we start to feel “uncrazy”.
“I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through that. I really hope you get it sorted out soon” and similar, detach us from the advisory role that they might expect but that isn’t necessarily our place (or desire) to fulfil.
Questions like “What do you want me to do?” and “What do I want them to do?” bring clarity to these situations. These pave the way to a clearer ask, recognising what you need to do for you, or recognising that you have unrealistic expectations. It’s also very possible they/you have it already.
Each time we become more aware of who we are and we become more aware of what we’re carrying around with us in terms of emotional baggage, we have an opportunity to heal, grow and learn. By responding even a little differently to how we have in the past, we evolve.

Links mentioned

Podcast Ep. 108: Expectations and Friendship (“A friend should…..”)

September 21, 2018 By NATALIE 11 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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It’s back to the topic of friendship in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I delve into the subject of expectations and friendship because unmet expectations are the source of much pain, frustration, resentment and, at times, unhealthy friendship. It’s not that we shouldn’t have expectations but what we do need to ask ourselves is why we have the particular expectations that we do of that friendship and whether the way in which we’re going about trying to have them met is helpful or harmful.

Some nuggets from the episode:

Examples of some of the expectations that people have in friendships that become a rule or an obligation include:

A friend should never let us down.
A friend should always agree with us.
A friend should always be there.
A friend shouldn’t have boundaries (or have ‘too many’ that cause us to feel uncomfortable).
A friend should take your side.
A friend should boost our self-esteem.
A friend should want to talk about whatever’s going on with them (when they have a problem).
A friend should let us support them if there’s something going on in their life.
A friend should call/text X times a week/month or respond within a certain time frame.
A friend should be like us and shouldn’t change too much.

“The difficulty with having this sense of obligation about what people should or should not do is that consciously or not, you’re going to put that rule to the test. For example, if you have this rule that a friend should always agree with you, whether it’s consciously or not, you’re going to place yourself and them in situations that put that rule to the test. You’ll get to validate yourself and be like, ‘Oh, look, they’re agreeing with me again’, or you get to validate something negative about you.”
A lot of the stringent rules that we have, especially the ones we remind ourselves of when we’re not particularly happy in a friendship, are the result of painful past experiences. We’ve created the rule to protect us from being hurt again in future. It’s like, “This is the rule about what a friend should do, and if a friend abides by that rule, then I know that they’re a friend and I can say “I am safe and I won’t be hurt”. And if they don’t abide by that rule, then I know that I need to go into my defence mechanism and protect myself.
It’s not that expectations are ‘bad’; it’s that when we’re focused on us, we’re not hearing or seeing the person.
It’s not wrong for us to expect to be treated with love, care, trust and respect within our friendship. But if we don’t choose the right relationships, and if we within our friendships are not being a good friend to ourselves first and foremost, but also, if we are behaving in ways that lower our self-esteem, we’re doing ourselves a disservice and it’s wrong for us to have the expectations that we do.
In the process of being a good friend to someone who isn’t a good friend to you, you’ve not been a good friend to yourself.
“When we have a big focus on expectations, it’s because we’re more comfortable having expectations than we are in having boundaries.”
Any expectations need to be specific to the relationship and based on who that person is.1. Why do I have this expectation?
2. What happened in the past that I felt the need to create this rule and protect myself?
3. No matter how benign my rule appears to be, how is it hurting me or damaging the friendship? e.g. A friend should… Also, what do you feel that breaking the rule allows you to do? e.g. If you believe that a friend should never let you down, what do you feel that you have the right to say or do as a result?
4. Are all the things that you do to follow the rule in yours or the friendship’s interest? e.g. giving up good friendships to take the side of an someone who isn’t a good friend.
5. What’s your threshold for friendship? What does it take for you to call someone a friend?

Links mentioned

Last week’s episode where I panicked about being late and talked about listening to our intuition
Workshops
The first episode in this series about friendship
The difference between expectations and boundaries
Blanketrow
Episode about did they meet the threshold for pursuing romantic interest

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Podcast Ep. 105: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

August 31, 2018 By NATALIE 3 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explore seven key reoccurring themes in stories people share with me that highlight their complicated relationship with apologies.

Believing that we’re unworthy of an apology when people don’t behave how we’d like them to after we’ve pointed out what they did wrong
Assuming that an apology should lead to a change in behaviour
Feeling obliged to press reset after receiving an apology
Feeling guilty because someone has done us wrong and needs to apologise
Backing down and then feeling bad when they don’t
Believing that we don’t have to apologise to someone due to having given them a free pass in the past
Believing that we can’t move on until we get the apology we’re waiting for

Some nuggets from the episode:

The first experiences of friendship with family members (siblings, cousins) or with our peers at school are often in the background of present-day experiences, sometimes affecting our ability to forge intimate relationships due to trust issues.
“When we apologise, it’s not always because we did something intentionally and with bad intentions. Sometimes we do things, and they are well-intentioned, but what results causes some level of issue, and even though it’s an unintended consequence, we can find ourselves in need of apologising.”
Sometimes [the apologiser] wants you to hurry the hell up and accept their apology so that they can get back to doing the very thing that they know you don’t like.
“It’s part of our intimate relationships that sometimes we’re going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, and we’re going to do our best to make amends, to make things right. And sometimes making things right is apologising — that acknowledgement, that recognition. As humans, we want to be seen. We want to be heard. In those moments when people don’t bother to recognise, to empathise with our position and where we’re coming from, to recognise and empathise with how what they’ve said or done has impacted on us, it makes us feel unseen. We feel devalued. We feel unrecognised.”
We have to take ownership of the narrative within — the things we say to and about ourselves in response to someone’s transgression or their lack of apology or remorse.
“The odds are that the very same charm that [a narcissist] used to get you on side, to build you up, and then to knock you back, is the very same charm that they’ll blow in, maybe use the crocodile tears, make all this noise and fanfare about how sorry they are… and then do exactly what caused you pain (or possibly far worse).”
We have to recognise that people react and respond to situations based on habit, not on what we think they should do. If someone has various experiences filed under apologising in their subconscious that are also associated with feelings of guilt and remorse, and those feelings trigger them into feeling defensive or ashamed, that will then cause a sequence of behaviours that won’t match what we want them to do.
On feeling baffled about people’s reactions to our disclosure of things that have been on our mind for some time: “That period of time where we’ve had time to figure out how we feel and think about something is way longer than the amount of time we’ve given the other person when we decide to disclose that.”
People shrink into themselves after they’ve upset someone. Example: ‘I don’t feel like a good friend.’
We have to be careful of assuming that we believe an apology means is the same as that person’s intentions.
“Creating healthier boundaries; learning the necessary boundary for that particular situation is how we each move on from something. This makes forgiveness much simpler because it becomes less about, ‘I grant you forgiveness. I have the power to forgive thee’, and more about, how do we, even if it’s only a teeny tiny adjustment, make some sort of adjustment to our emotional, mental, physical or spiritual boundaries that allows us to move forward with love, care, trust and respect?”
On the subject of feeling bad about someone needing to apologise to us: “In instances where we disregard our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions because we are afraid of owning our worth, of owning ourselves, and so it’s like, ‘Yes, I know that person’s done me wrong but I can’t cope with having the self-worth to recognise this, so I’m going to pretend that they haven’t’, we’re just doing ourselves a massive disservice.”
About backing down for the wrong reasons: “What we shouldn’t do is back down as a way to try to make the other person feel bad so that they can step up.”
If you’re able to recognise what’s wrong about a situation and learn what you can that helps you to have the better emotional, mental, physical and spiritual boundaries moving forward, you can accept the apology that you didn’t get.
Sometimes we need to apologise to ourselves for giving us a hard time about what somebody else has done.

Links mentioned

Next stop

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If None of Their Exes Had A Problem With It, Where Are They Now?

January 30, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

In pretty much all of my previous relationships, there was that all too common hallmark ‘discussion’ of an unhealthy partnering: I’d flag up something that I was uncomfortable or unhappy about and be met with, “None of my previous girlfriends had a problem with this”, and they would often add something about how these exes had all found [the problem] totally ‘normal’.

Now keep in mind that this could be anything from disappearing, flirting with my friends, a sexual act that I didn’t want to do, bad/selfish sex (the jackhammer almost-need-a-neck-brace-afterwards type or the one who you could effectively leave a blow-up version of you and they wouldn’t notice the difference), to avoiding sex/affection altogether, to getting wasted and aggressive, and some might wonder how I ever second-guessed myself and contemplated (and sometimes did) sidelining my own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions.

You are not on the same page with somebody, if when you raise something, they dismiss it by either comparing you to people who they are no longer going out with, or they call you ‘too sensitive/needy/dramatic/prudish’ or a ‘psycho‘.

Some might even stretch themselves to making a low jab about how this issue you have with them must be why you had problems with your exes.

Podcast Ep. 73: Is Lack of Curiosity Indicative of Disinterest?, Personal Anniversaries, Being OK With Disapproval

January 27, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 73, I cover:

Personal anniversaries: January 31st marks 16 years of living in London and 9 years of self-employment. I reflect on the significance of these big changes and the importance of recognising these milestones so that we can acknowledge how much we’ve changed and the progress that we’ve made.

Tackling your conflict and criticism habits: I share 3 key areas where you can make strides in adapting your responses: distinguishing between the past and the present, getting out of a child role, and depersonalising the other person’s behaviour.

Topics include:

Why ‘threes’ is a big theme in why we get triggered in conflict situations, e.g. piggy in the middle, feeling ganged up upon, competing
Why messaging about conflict such as, ‘[Family name] don’t fight’ or ‘[Family name] don’t let people get away with stuff’ can play a big part in our reactions
Why we might be fighting someone else’s old and unnecessary battle
The value of stepping back and acknowledging what’s behind a person’s responses

Link mentioned: Episode where I talked about, What’s your money story?

Valentine’s Day: Before we give ourselves too hard a time about what we think everyone else is doing, let’s consider the bigger picture of whether this day speaks for our values about love.

Listener Question: Is it a red flag that he’s not asking me any questions [about me]?

What I Learned This Week: We’ve got to be OK with someone having a negative opinion of us, rather than burning up energy trying to change their mind.

Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

Podcast Ep. 72: ‘Legitimate’ Reasons To Break Up, Navigating Out of Negative Emotional Traffic, Go Hug Yourself

January 20, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 72, I cover:

Which reasons are ‘OK’ to break up with someone for?: So many people struggle with validating their need to end a relationship because it’s as if they believe that their reason isn’t good enough. At the extreme end of things they’re thinking, Would someone else break up with their partner who didn’t want a committed future / was sleeping around / abusing them? I share ten very strong reasons and signs that you are more than justified in breaking up with somebody including:

Your fear of being alone (or starting over or whatever you’re afraid of) is greater than your unhappiness in the relationship.
You’ve become less of who you are.
They’re with someone else.
Because you want to.

Links mentioned

The No Contact Rule

Seeing your way out of negative emotions: It’s critical to our well-being and our emotional development that we learn to sit with our feelings and see our way out of them when we are struck by those that prompt us to want to act out. Earlier this week, after being hangry (hungry and angry), I woke up with a headache, and from there it went downhill. I share key lessons gained from cycling through a range of painful emotions, hearing my ego and inner critic try to draw me into self-destruct, but also hearing some sage words from my inner critic.

Links mentioned

Episode 1 where I share what I learned from being hangry

Episode 2: What’s the baggage behind it?

Not mentioned but work checking out is my How To Self-Soothe Guide

The importance of hugging yourself: It’s National Hug Day tomorrow (had no idea this existed before this week!) and it reminded me about the importance of giving us affection too.

Listener Question: Fran wants to know, Is anyone honest online?

What I Learned This Week: The lessons are gonna come regardless of your circumstances.

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

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Podcast Ep. 54: We Were On A Break, Nailing Down Intimacy, Snap Judgements

October 14, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 54, I cover:

We Were On A Break!: That infamous episode of Friends where Rachel asks for a break during a fight but then realises she doesn’t want it, reunites, and then discovers that Ross slept with someone else in those hours, reminded me of some of the factors that we need to consider if we ask for or agree to a break, including how it’s got to be a one-time thing, the need for boundaries, and some thought to the parameters of success.

About Intimacy:

Are you playing a role? Is there inferiority or superiority?
Do you struggle to have and live your boundaries and values?
Are you trying to be perfect or expecting partners to be perfect? Are you waiting for a partner to change?
Do you avoid conflict, criticism, rejection or disappointment?
Do you have resistance around recognising, expressing and sharing your feelings?
If you answered yes to any of these, these are blocks to intimacy

Key points include:

You can’t experience intimacy if you’re not being you so intimacy is about striving to be you instead of preempting the possibility of not being liked or accepted.
No boundaries, no intimacy.
If you only focus on superficial aspects of a person or even you, you can’t experience intimacy because intimacy comes living your core values and recognising someone else’s and co-existing with them.
The whole idea of intimacy is the joy of realising that you and they are not perfect and still being in it anyway.
Recognising, expressing and sharing your feelings is vulnerability, which goes hand in hand with intimacy.

Here’s the recent post, Intensity Isn’t The Same As Intimacy where you can also learn about the stages of relationships so that you don’t get caught out by intensity again.

Substitution heuristics: Heuristics are shortcuts that we use to make judgements and decisions. One type that stuck out for me is what’s called a substitution heuristic. This is when we answer an easier question than the one that was posed and this got me thinking about how we write off potential partners because they don’t fit our image of one.

Listener Question: Manuela asks, How can we deal in our every day life with people who clearly feel superior?

Resources mentioned: 100 Days of Baggage Reclaim | Unsent Letter guide | How To Self-Soothe Guide | Get Out of Stuck

What I Learned This Week: A few weeks after feeling very stressed by back to school and new routines, I’m feeling much happier and at ease even though while there have been some changes, a lot of the same stresses exist. I share what I’ve been reminded about by self-care.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Enjoy!

Advice Wednesday: He Didn’t Emotionally Support Me When I Lost My Father & Now He’s Done It Again

October 12, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

Lucy asks: I’ve broken off my engagement to a man I’ve been with for nine years. The relationship hasn’t been plain sailing to say the least. We spent six months apart due to his lack of emotional support when my dad was terminally ill. The last four years have been very happy and I’ve spent ten months engaged and planning a wedding.

I changed my career a few months ago with the intention of starting university this September while supporting my [now ex-fiancé] through a job change and financial difficulty. I work in a private hospital and recently a major event occurred, which being part of a team, I was involved in. I turned to my partner for support and was faced with the following reaction: “You haven’t done anything wrong. I wouldn’t let it bother me, why are you letting it bother you?”

Following his reaction and lack of support, I clammed up, finding it difficult for the next five weeks to open up to him and even be intimate due to stress and exhaustion. I continued going to work and dealing with the investigation regarding the ‘major event’ alone. In that time, he struck up a friendship with a school acquaintance who he took to a charity ball while I was on holiday, something he lied about and later admitted to when he was caught out.

He said that me not wanting to be intimate with him led him to believe that I no longer found him attractive, although he hasn’t admitted to anything happening between them when questioned about why she’s suddenly a friend when she’s not been in his life for the last nine years and why we haven’t been introduced. She is someone I see at the gym; we know of one another but have never spoken in the nine years and he has ignored her. You can understand why I was shocked to learn they were now friends.

He doesn’t communicate well and immediately shouted and showed frustration, and then proceeded to tell me that ‘I don’t trust him, this is my problem and my insecurities!’ He has since moved out after attempting to call things off via text message. I have begun No Contact as I find it too painful to be in touch. He has since sent me a couple of messages which I haven’t read, but going by the preview, one says “Ignoring my messages isn’t the right way to handle this!” Can you offer some perspective on this situation?

**********

My first thought on this was, If they’ve been so happy for the last four years, how did things deteriorate at such a speed?

Here’s what is going on in a nutshell: You’ve experienced a traumatic event at work, which also represents a loss to some degree, which will bring up feelings and other associations from the last major trauma in your life: losing your father to cancer and also losing your boyfriend due to his lack of support during that time. It’s been triggering and this prompted you to retreat out of self-preservation. He took this as a cue that he’s being rejected (what he’s inferred from knowing he’s let you down and your reaction), possibly because he recognises that your response is similar to when you lost your father, so in a way he’s been triggered as well. His self-preservation is to seek out his ex and then to accidentally on purpose get caught so that he has a way out of the relationship without having to address the issues. You’ve also cut him off and so you don’t have to communicate either.

Lucy, you spent six months apart following the loss of your father, where you probably did a level of healing on your own and felt that it was ‘safe’ to go back to the relationship. It’s like, “Right, I’ve taken care of this big thing on my own so you can rest assured that I won’t need you as much”.

Based on what has unfolded recently, it is clear that aspects of that period remain unresolved, namely you feeling unsupported due to what comes across as a lack of empathy, you struggling to recognise and share your feelings even when it’s uncomfortable, him being dismissive of ‘uncomfortable’ feelings and being very confrontational in conflict situations, and there being a general communication breakdown.

Podcast Ep. 42: Holiday On Your Own, How To Fight When You’re In A Relationship, Moving Past Casual

August 26, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 42:

Holidaying On Your Own: Nearly thirteen years later, I still say that one of the best things I’ve ever done is go away on holiday on my own. I’ve since travelled on my own many times and I share a couple of stories from that first trip and a few tips for getting the most out of your holiday (or ‘vacation’ as Americans call it).

Conflict Resolution For When You’re Part of a Couple: I hear from so many people who struggle with conflict in their relationships, either cutting and running at the first sign of ‘trouble’ or fighting dirty or slipping into other unhelpful habits because of their negative associations with conflict. I share ten tips for navigating conflict when you’re in a relationship.

The Real Frauds Don’t Have Imposter Syndrome: The ones who really are bad at their jobs don’t worry about being a fraud and probably don’t even think they’re doing a bad job!

Listener Question: Dee’s spent the last six years bouncing from casual relationship to casual relationship and has hit rock bottom and wants to know how to begin breaking the cycle now that she knows that she wants a relationship, marriage and kids.

What I Learned This Week: This week I received some news that no person wants to hear and I’m having to learn to accept the way that things have been. Probably the toughest What I Learned This Week that I’ve ever had to share.

A quick heads-up: The next episode (and subsequent ones) of Why Did We Break Up? will be out this Tuesday 30th August 2016 and the usual sessions podcast will remain on a Friday.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!