Conflict and Criticism Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 108: Expectations and Friendship (“A friend should…..”)

September 21, 2018 By NATALIE 1 Comment Reading Time: 4 Minutes

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It’s back to the topic of friendship in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I delve into the subject of expectations and friendship because unmet expectations are the source of much pain, frustration, resentment and, at times, unhealthy friendship. It’s not that we shouldn’t have expectations but what we do need to ask ourselves is why we have the particular expectations that we do of that friendship and whether the way in which we’re going about trying to have them met is helpful or harmful.

Some nuggets from the episode:

Examples of some of the expectations that people have in friendships that become a rule or an obligation include:

A friend should never let us down.
A friend should always agree with us.
A friend should always be there.
A friend shouldn’t have boundaries (or have ‘too many’ that cause us to feel uncomfortable).
A friend should take your side.
A friend should boost our self-esteem.
A friend should want to talk about whatever’s going on with them (when they have a problem).
A friend should let us support them if there’s something going on in their life.
A friend should call/text X times a week/month or respond within a certain time frame.
A friend should be like us and shouldn’t change too much.

“The difficulty with having this sense of obligation about what people should or should not do is that consciously or not, you’re going to put that rule to the test. For example, if you have this rule that a friend should always agree with you, whether it’s consciously or not, you’re going to place yourself and them in situations that put that rule to the test. You’ll get to validate yourself and be like, ‘Oh, look, they’re agreeing with me again’, or you get to validate something negative about you.”
A lot of the stringent rules that we have, especially the ones we remind ourselves of when we’re not particularly happy in a friendship, are the result of painful past experiences. We’ve created the rule to protect us from being hurt again in future. It’s like, “This is the rule about what a friend should do, and if a friend abides by that rule, then I know that they’re a friend and I can say “I am safe and I won’t be hurt”. And if they don’t abide by that rule, then I know that I need to go into my defence mechanism and protect myself.
It’s not that expectations are ‘bad’; it’s that when we’re focused on us, we’re not hearing or seeing the person.
It’s not wrong for us to expect to be treated with love, care, trust and respect within our friendship. But if we don’t choose the right relationships, and if we within our friendships are not being a good friend to ourselves first and foremost, but also, if we are behaving in ways that lower our self-esteem, we’re doing ourselves a disservice and it’s wrong for us to have the expectations that we do.
In the process of being a good friend to someone who isn’t a good friend to you, you’ve not been a good friend to yourself.
“When we have a big focus on expectations, it’s because we’re more comfortable having expectations than we are in having boundaries.”
Any expectations need to be specific to the relationship and based on who that person is.1. Why do I have this expectation?
2. What happened in the past that I felt the need to create this rule and protect myself?
3. No matter how benign my rule appears to be, how is it hurting me or damaging the friendship? e.g. A friend should… Also, what do you feel that breaking the rule allows you to do? e.g. If you believe that a friend should never let you down, what do you feel that you have the right to say or do as a result?
4. Are all the things that you do to follow the rule in yours or the friendship’s interest? e.g. giving up good friendships to take the side of an someone who isn’t a good friend.
5. What’s your threshold for friendship? What does it take for you to call someone a friend?

Links mentioned

Last week’s episode where I panicked about being late and talked about listening to our intuition
Workshops
The first episode in this series about friendship
The difference between expectations and boundaries
Blanketrow
Episode about did they meet the threshold for pursuing romantic interest

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

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Podcast Ep. 105: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

August 31, 2018 By NATALIE 3 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explore seven key reoccurring themes in stories people share with me that highlight their complicated relationship with apologies.

Believing that we’re unworthy of an apology when people don’t behave how we’d like them to after we’ve pointed out what they did wrong
Assuming that an apology should lead to a change in behaviour
Feeling obliged to press reset after receiving an apology
Feeling guilty because someone has done us wrong and needs to apologise
Backing down and then feeling bad when they don’t
Believing that we don’t have to apologise to someone due to having given them a free pass in the past
Believing that we can’t move on until we get the apology we’re waiting for

Some nuggets from the episode:

The first experiences of friendship with family members (siblings, cousins) or with our peers at school are often in the background of present-day experiences, sometimes affecting our ability to forge intimate relationships due to trust issues.
“When we apologise, it’s not always because we did something intentionally and with bad intentions. Sometimes we do things, and they are well-intentioned, but what results causes some level of issue, and even though it’s an unintended consequence, we can find ourselves in need of apologising.”
Sometimes [the apologiser] wants you to hurry the hell up and accept their apology so that they can get back to doing the very thing that they know you don’t like.
“It’s part of our intimate relationships that sometimes we’re going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, and we’re going to do our best to make amends, to make things right. And sometimes making things right is apologising — that acknowledgement, that recognition. As humans, we want to be seen. We want to be heard. In those moments when people don’t bother to recognise, to empathise with our position and where we’re coming from, to recognise and empathise with how what they’ve said or done has impacted on us, it makes us feel unseen. We feel devalued. We feel unrecognised.”
We have to take ownership of the narrative within — the things we say to and about ourselves in response to someone’s transgression or their lack of apology or remorse.
“The odds are that the very same charm that [a narcissist] used to get you on side, to build you up, and then to knock you back, is the very same charm that they’ll blow in, maybe use the crocodile tears, make all this noise and fanfare about how sorry they are… and then do exactly what caused you pain (or possibly far worse).”
We have to recognise that people react and respond to situations based on habit, not on what we think they should do. If someone has various experiences filed under apologising in their subconscious that are also associated with feelings of guilt and remorse, and those feelings trigger them into feeling defensive or ashamed, that will then cause a sequence of behaviours that won’t match what we want them to do.
On feeling baffled about people’s reactions to our disclosure of things that have been on our mind for some time: “That period of time where we’ve had time to figure out how we feel and think about something is way longer than the amount of time we’ve given the other person when we decide to disclose that.”
People shrink into themselves after they’ve upset someone. Example: ‘I don’t feel like a good friend.’
We have to be careful of assuming that we believe an apology means is the same as that person’s intentions.
“Creating healthier boundaries; learning the necessary boundary for that particular situation is how we each move on from something. This makes forgiveness much simpler because it becomes less about, ‘I grant you forgiveness. I have the power to forgive thee’, and more about, how do we, even if it’s only a teeny tiny adjustment, make some sort of adjustment to our emotional, mental, physical or spiritual boundaries that allows us to move forward with love, care, trust and respect?”
On the subject of feeling bad about someone needing to apologise to us: “In instances where we disregard our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions because we are afraid of owning our worth, of owning ourselves, and so it’s like, ‘Yes, I know that person’s done me wrong but I can’t cope with having the self-worth to recognise this, so I’m going to pretend that they haven’t’, we’re just doing ourselves a massive disservice.”
About backing down for the wrong reasons: “What we shouldn’t do is back down as a way to try to make the other person feel bad so that they can step up.”
If you’re able to recognise what’s wrong about a situation and learn what you can that helps you to have the better emotional, mental, physical and spiritual boundaries moving forward, you can accept the apology that you didn’t get.
Sometimes we need to apologise to ourselves for giving us a hard time about what somebody else has done.

Links mentioned

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

If None of Their Exes Had A Problem With It, Where Are They Now?

January 30, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

In pretty much all of my previous relationships, there was that all too common hallmark ‘discussion’ of an unhealthy partnering: I’d flag up something that I was uncomfortable or unhappy about and be met with, “None of my previous girlfriends had a problem with this”, and they would often add something about how these exes had all found [the problem] totally ‘normal’.

Now keep in mind that this could be anything from disappearing, flirting with my friends, a sexual act that I didn’t want to do, bad/selfish sex (the jackhammer almost-need-a-neck-brace-afterwards type or the one who you could effectively leave a blow-up version of you and they wouldn’t notice the difference), to avoiding sex/affection altogether, to getting wasted and aggressive, and some might wonder how I ever second-guessed myself and contemplated (and sometimes did) sidelining my own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions.

You are not on the same page with somebody, if when you raise something, they dismiss it by either comparing you to people who they are no longer going out with, or they call you ‘too sensitive/needy/dramatic/prudish’ or a ‘psycho‘.

Some might even stretch themselves to making a low jab about how this issue you have with them must be why you had problems with your exes.

Podcast Ep. 73: Is Lack of Curiosity Indicative of Disinterest?, Personal Anniversaries, Being OK With Disapproval

January 27, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 73, I cover:

Personal anniversaries: January 31st marks 16 years of living in London and 9 years of self-employment. I reflect on the significance of these big changes and the importance of recognising these milestones so that we can acknowledge how much we’ve changed and the progress that we’ve made.

Tackling your conflict and criticism habits: I share 3 key areas where you can make strides in adapting your responses: distinguishing between the past and the present, getting out of a child role, and depersonalising the other person’s behaviour.

Topics include:

Why ‘threes’ is a big theme in why we get triggered in conflict situations, e.g. piggy in the middle, feeling ganged up upon, competing
Why messaging about conflict such as, ‘[Family name] don’t fight’ or ‘[Family name] don’t let people get away with stuff’ can play a big part in our reactions
Why we might be fighting someone else’s old and unnecessary battle
The value of stepping back and acknowledging what’s behind a person’s responses

Link mentioned: Episode where I talked about, What’s your money story?

Valentine’s Day: Before we give ourselves too hard a time about what we think everyone else is doing, let’s consider the bigger picture of whether this day speaks for our values about love.

Listener Question: Is it a red flag that he’s not asking me any questions [about me]?

What I Learned This Week: We’ve got to be OK with someone having a negative opinion of us, rather than burning up energy trying to change their mind.

Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

Podcast Ep. 72: ‘Legitimate’ Reasons To Break Up, Navigating Out of Negative Emotional Traffic, Go Hug Yourself

January 20, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 72, I cover:

Which reasons are ‘OK’ to break up with someone for?: So many people struggle with validating their need to end a relationship because it’s as if they believe that their reason isn’t good enough. At the extreme end of things they’re thinking, Would someone else break up with their partner who didn’t want a committed future / was sleeping around / abusing them? I share ten very strong reasons and signs that you are more than justified in breaking up with somebody including:

Your fear of being alone (or starting over or whatever you’re afraid of) is greater than your unhappiness in the relationship.
You’ve become less of who you are.
They’re with someone else.
Because you want to.

Links mentioned

The No Contact Rule

Seeing your way out of negative emotions: It’s critical to our well-being and our emotional development that we learn to sit with our feelings and see our way out of them when we are struck by those that prompt us to want to act out. Earlier this week, after being hangry (hungry and angry), I woke up with a headache, and from there it went downhill. I share key lessons gained from cycling through a range of painful emotions, hearing my ego and inner critic try to draw me into self-destruct, but also hearing some sage words from my inner critic.

Links mentioned

Episode 1 where I share what I learned from being hangry

Episode 2: What’s the baggage behind it?

Not mentioned but work checking out is my How To Self-Soothe Guide

The importance of hugging yourself: It’s National Hug Day tomorrow (had no idea this existed before this week!) and it reminded me about the importance of giving us affection too.

Listener Question: Fran wants to know, Is anyone honest online?

What I Learned This Week: The lessons are gonna come regardless of your circumstances.

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

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Podcast Ep. 54: We Were On A Break, Nailing Down Intimacy, Snap Judgements

October 14, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 54, I cover:

We Were On A Break!: That infamous episode of Friends where Rachel asks for a break during a fight but then realises she doesn’t want it, reunites, and then discovers that Ross slept with someone else in those hours, reminded me of some of the factors that we need to consider if we ask for or agree to a break, including how it’s got to be a one-time thing, the need for boundaries, and some thought to the parameters of success.

About Intimacy:

Are you playing a role? Is there inferiority or superiority?
Do you struggle to have and live your boundaries and values?
Are you trying to be perfect or expecting partners to be perfect? Are you waiting for a partner to change?
Do you avoid conflict, criticism, rejection or disappointment?
Do you have resistance around recognising, expressing and sharing your feelings?
If you answered yes to any of these, these are blocks to intimacy

Key points include:

You can’t experience intimacy if you’re not being you so intimacy is about striving to be you instead of preempting the possibility of not being liked or accepted.
No boundaries, no intimacy.
If you only focus on superficial aspects of a person or even you, you can’t experience intimacy because intimacy comes living your core values and recognising someone else’s and co-existing with them.
The whole idea of intimacy is the joy of realising that you and they are not perfect and still being in it anyway.
Recognising, expressing and sharing your feelings is vulnerability, which goes hand in hand with intimacy.

Here’s the recent post, Intensity Isn’t The Same As Intimacy where you can also learn about the stages of relationships so that you don’t get caught out by intensity again.

Substitution heuristics: Heuristics are shortcuts that we use to make judgements and decisions. One type that stuck out for me is what’s called a substitution heuristic. This is when we answer an easier question than the one that was posed and this got me thinking about how we write off potential partners because they don’t fit our image of one.

Listener Question: Manuela asks, How can we deal in our every day life with people who clearly feel superior?

Resources mentioned: 100 Days of Baggage Reclaim | Unsent Letter guide | How To Self-Soothe Guide | Get Out of Stuck

What I Learned This Week: A few weeks after feeling very stressed by back to school and new routines, I’m feeling much happier and at ease even though while there have been some changes, a lot of the same stresses exist. I share what I’ve been reminded about by self-care.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Enjoy!

Advice Wednesday: He Didn’t Emotionally Support Me When I Lost My Father & Now He’s Done It Again

October 12, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

Lucy asks: I’ve broken off my engagement to a man I’ve been with for nine years. The relationship hasn’t been plain sailing to say the least. We spent six months apart due to his lack of emotional support when my dad was terminally ill. The last four years have been very happy and I’ve spent ten months engaged and planning a wedding.

I changed my career a few months ago with the intention of starting university this September while supporting my [now ex-fiancé] through a job change and financial difficulty. I work in a private hospital and recently a major event occurred, which being part of a team, I was involved in. I turned to my partner for support and was faced with the following reaction: “You haven’t done anything wrong. I wouldn’t let it bother me, why are you letting it bother you?”

Following his reaction and lack of support, I clammed up, finding it difficult for the next five weeks to open up to him and even be intimate due to stress and exhaustion. I continued going to work and dealing with the investigation regarding the ‘major event’ alone. In that time, he struck up a friendship with a school acquaintance who he took to a charity ball while I was on holiday, something he lied about and later admitted to when he was caught out.

He said that me not wanting to be intimate with him led him to believe that I no longer found him attractive, although he hasn’t admitted to anything happening between them when questioned about why she’s suddenly a friend when she’s not been in his life for the last nine years and why we haven’t been introduced. She is someone I see at the gym; we know of one another but have never spoken in the nine years and he has ignored her. You can understand why I was shocked to learn they were now friends.

He doesn’t communicate well and immediately shouted and showed frustration, and then proceeded to tell me that ‘I don’t trust him, this is my problem and my insecurities!’ He has since moved out after attempting to call things off via text message. I have begun No Contact as I find it too painful to be in touch. He has since sent me a couple of messages which I haven’t read, but going by the preview, one says “Ignoring my messages isn’t the right way to handle this!” Can you offer some perspective on this situation?

**********

My first thought on this was, If they’ve been so happy for the last four years, how did things deteriorate at such a speed?

Here’s what is going on in a nutshell: You’ve experienced a traumatic event at work, which also represents a loss to some degree, which will bring up feelings and other associations from the last major trauma in your life: losing your father to cancer and also losing your boyfriend due to his lack of support during that time. It’s been triggering and this prompted you to retreat out of self-preservation. He took this as a cue that he’s being rejected (what he’s inferred from knowing he’s let you down and your reaction), possibly because he recognises that your response is similar to when you lost your father, so in a way he’s been triggered as well. His self-preservation is to seek out his ex and then to accidentally on purpose get caught so that he has a way out of the relationship without having to address the issues. You’ve also cut him off and so you don’t have to communicate either.

Lucy, you spent six months apart following the loss of your father, where you probably did a level of healing on your own and felt that it was ‘safe’ to go back to the relationship. It’s like, “Right, I’ve taken care of this big thing on my own so you can rest assured that I won’t need you as much”.

Based on what has unfolded recently, it is clear that aspects of that period remain unresolved, namely you feeling unsupported due to what comes across as a lack of empathy, you struggling to recognise and share your feelings even when it’s uncomfortable, him being dismissive of ‘uncomfortable’ feelings and being very confrontational in conflict situations, and there being a general communication breakdown.

Podcast Ep. 42: Holiday On Your Own, How To Fight When You’re In A Relationship, Moving Past Casual

August 26, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 42:

Holidaying On Your Own: Nearly thirteen years later, I still say that one of the best things I’ve ever done is go away on holiday on my own. I’ve since travelled on my own many times and I share a couple of stories from that first trip and a few tips for getting the most out of your holiday (or ‘vacation’ as Americans call it).

Conflict Resolution For When You’re Part of a Couple: I hear from so many people who struggle with conflict in their relationships, either cutting and running at the first sign of ‘trouble’ or fighting dirty or slipping into other unhelpful habits because of their negative associations with conflict. I share ten tips for navigating conflict when you’re in a relationship.

The Real Frauds Don’t Have Imposter Syndrome: The ones who really are bad at their jobs don’t worry about being a fraud and probably don’t even think they’re doing a bad job!

Listener Question: Dee’s spent the last six years bouncing from casual relationship to casual relationship and has hit rock bottom and wants to know how to begin breaking the cycle now that she knows that she wants a relationship, marriage and kids.

What I Learned This Week: This week I received some news that no person wants to hear and I’m having to learn to accept the way that things have been. Probably the toughest What I Learned This Week that I’ve ever had to share.

A quick heads-up: The next episode (and subsequent ones) of Why Did We Break Up? will be out this Tuesday 30th August 2016 and the usual sessions podcast will remain on a Friday.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

Advice Wednesday: Do I Have Problems That I Can’t Admit To Or Am I Being Manipulated?

August 17, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Anna asks: How do you really know if someone is manipulating you or whether it’s you that’s really the one with problems and can’t admit to them?

**********

One of the things that people who are lean on empathy or who tend to blame others struggle to do is admit when they have an issue or are at fault, which means that they’re also unlikely to truly reflect and ask this type of question. The type of person who asks this question is invariably somebody who is a habitual blame absorber. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have issues but what it does mean is that they tend to take responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviour which includes assuming that because they have issues that they must be the one at fault or solely at fault. This makes them an easy mark for people who seek to influence and control via covert and more aggressive means.

If they have a hidden agenda, their criticism of you is in their interests not yours. The question you have to ask yourself Anna is, Do I feel influenced and controlled by this person?

Every moderately healthy relationship does need two parties who are cognisant of where each ends and the other begins. You each need to be able to trust that yes, at times there will be conflict and criticism but that there is ownership–maturity, responsibility and integrity–at the heart of these more difficult interactions.

Anna, you need to be able to trust that when this person is flagging something up to you or doing something, that they’re not trying to influence and control you as a way of gaining an advantage over you or deflecting from their own issues. This is unscrupulous, unfair, and yes, manipulative behaviour.

You also need to have trust in you and I would take this questioning as a wake-up call to have a very real and honest conversation with yourself because this relationship is bringing up a lot of self-doubt for you.

Podcast Ep.30: Standing Up To Disrespectful Co-Workers, ‘Keep Me In Mind’ Letters, Thinking Too Much

June 3, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. My virtual mailbag has built up while I took some time off so this is a special episode dedicated to answering listener questions.

#1 Can I stand up to my disrespectful colleague? This listener was told to “shut up” by someone who she thought was a friend and they did it in front of everyone too.

#2 Should I send a ‘keep me in mind for the future’ letter to my ex? Her widower workaholic long-distance boyfriend has broken it off to date a woman closer to home and her therapist has suggested that due to the circumstances, that she should send him a letter telling him to get in touch if his situation changes.

#3 I can’t get a job and I feel like a failure in comparison to my ‘successful’ siblings. This is one of those situations that really exemplifies the vicious cycle of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Living with her dysfunctional family who patronise and insult her plus going out with a ‘successful’ younger guy plus ‘successful’ siblings plus her friends having jobs is convincing her that she has every reason to think that she’s a failure.

#4 Do I think too much? A comment that she’s heard too often from past partners, this listener is starting to question the aspects of her that she prides herself on.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

If you love the podcast and you listen via iTunes, I’d love if you could leave a review as it helps to spread the word about the podcast. And tell your friends–it all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

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Advice Wednesday #9: Is It Possible To Remain Neutral Between My Feuding Friends?

March 23, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

The Tricky Situation: Zoe asks, I have two friends who have resented each other for such a long time that no one remembers how it really started. We all work for the same company. I am very close with Friend A, spend a lot of time with her also outside work, whereas I’m just very friendly with the Friend B but don’t spend time together outside work.

Friend A is very emotional and sensitive, with some self-esteem issues. Friend B is down to earth, quite bubbly, definitely stronger in terms of self-esteem. The way I see it, their problem stems from the personality clash and the unwillingness (or inability?) to forgive and understand the other friend’s perspective.

Both girls do a good job in trying not to make me take sides, but I sense that when I talk to Friend B in a friendly way, Friend A becomes kind of hurt (she tries not to show it, but I can feel it). It doesn’t happen the other way round. These emotions resonate through to me as I try to empathise with A but also acknowledge the other girl’s perspective and I simply like her.

Is it at all possible and realistic to stay Switzerland in this situation without straining myself emotionally, being a people pleaser or passive aggressive? We have talked about it and she knows my stand and I can see she’s really trying but it’s clearly difficult for her as much as it is for me.

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I empathise because having two daughters at school, I’ve not only been reminded of the twist and turns of forging friendships in early childhood and what can already be girly bitchiness, but how being friends with other parents can at times make you feel as if you’re back at school. I actually have two friends who weren’t and aren’t that crazy about each other. There was one bust-up where one tried to offload on me and I drew my line after that because I don’t want to be told who I can be friends with when I’m heading for forty. I’m not insensitive but I don’t pussyfoot because not only does it make the situation far worse but it leads to resentment and awkwardness.

You’re not friends as a group; you’re friends individually. If you’re being a friend to both and you are being trustworthy and you are genuinely close friends with one and the other is a work mate but that’s it, let them get on with their own drama and draw your line when one or both step over it.

My first thought on reading your letter was, What is Zoe getting out this situation?

This is one of those situations where its evident that there are roles—these can be real ones in terms of how each of you behave, or perceived roles that may not reflect the actuality of what is truly felt by each party.

Friend A feels as if she is the victim and is apparently wounded each time you interact with Friend B. Friend B is seemingly the persecutor of Friend A (in Friend A’s eyes possibly) but I’m picking up that you also see Friend A as being the persecutor of Friend B. You say that you’re trying to stay Switzerland but your role extends far beyond that. If you were staying Switzerland, you would not be ‘feeling’ her feelings in the way that you are. You act as friend to each party but you also derive something from your position of being the friend caught between two people who don’t like each other.

It might not be on a conscious level but you’re gaining something from the drama. Do you need to feel needed? Does this longstanding feud that none of you know what it is about, inadvertently make you feel important?

Have you ever been in a threes situation before? No, not a threesome of the saucy kind but where you are in a friendship dynamic of three or where you are close friends with one person and pally with someone that the other friend doesn’t like. Or has there been another situation in your life where you have felt caught between two people? A very common example with BR readers is feeling caught between two separated or divorced parents as a child or a traumatic loss of friendship earlier in life where it now keeps playing out and they fear being abandoned again.

This situation is presenting itself as an opportunity for you to resolve something and to learn more about you.

I suspect it’s fear of confrontation so fear of staking yourself on an opinion and action for fear of being disliked.

Examine your motivations for trying to be neutral and evaluate whether this is part of a wider pattern.

It strikes me that a lot of this is about your discomfort and your perception of things, which leads to attempting to influence and even control their feelings and behaviour with your people pleasing in the hopes that you will not have to take action because they will do something to make you feel better.

Zoe, if you want the discomfort to end, you will need to change your role in this dynamic.

I’m not saying that you’re imagining things but if you’re hyper aware of this tension and resentment, hasn’t it occurred to you that you’re over-empathising and so over-feeling, projecting your perceptions into the situation and calling it facts? If no one is talking about anything, how can you have reached such sure conclusions?

I guarantee that in time you’re going to feel resentful and it is most likely going to be with Friend A. You are busting your boundaries and calling it staying Switzerland but you’re not even doing that because you are not neutral.

You say both girls do a “good job” of not making you take sides and yet you’re either being a typical people pleaser who’s too afraid to call a spade a spade or, it is you who is putting yourself in a ‘sides’ situation in your head. Which one is it?

There are subtle biases as well. Friend A is perceived as having less self-esteem than Friend B and Friend A is the one who you see as making you feel bad, even if it’s not her intention, with you emphasising that Friend B doesn’t do it. Now either you’re closer friends with Friend B than you like to admit or your underlying frustration with Friend A’s behaviour is causing you to put a rosy glow on Friend B.

Here’s the craic Zoe: You have to stand for something.

Trying to do all this diplomat, keeping the peace, and ‘rising above’ the playground shenanigans means that you run the risk of alienating both friends and unless this tension is all in your head, then they are also both out of order for letting this run and run despite your obvious discomfort.

While you may endeavour to be neutral between these two friends, I hate to break it to you Zoe but you cannot be neutral in your individual friendships with these women. You are choosing this situation. I’m not saying that it’s bad to be friends with both of them but you cannot choose to be friends with two people who don’t like each other and then complain about you being uncomfortable. You need to be boundaried for you and boundaried within these two friendships before you make yourself ill.

I sense resentment brewing between you and Friend A and this is a very good time to assess your friendship and the roles that each of you have either assumed or assigned each other. On one hand, you derive value from your role of maybe being the ‘rescuer’ in this friendship but on the flip side, this leads to resentment when you feel as if you have to prop up your friend or that she’s putting obligations on you. Friend A however, likely also feels resentful due to being treated like the victim, even if it is the way that she’s behaved. This leads to passive aggression on both sides. You both need to talk. You have a problem in your friendship otherwise this malarkey with Friend B would have been done and dusted ages ago instead of it being salt on the wound every day. You could even laugh about it. You must take responsibility for you and this will automatically stop you from taking responsibility for her feelings.

You like Friend B, a lot. More than you’re likely willing to admit. It’s either that or you like having something to worry about and this has become far bigger in your head because you are a people pleaser and want everyone to get along and now feel super sensitive to the fact that two people don’t like each other.

Newsflash: Friend A not liking Friend B doesn’t invalidate your reasons for liking Friend B.

You and Friend A are not Siamese twins. Honour the separateness and the cord will be cut in this codependent dynamic between you.

You’re trying to be all things to all people because of your underlying motivation to be liked at all costs, even if you’re going to run the risk of busting your boundaries. What kind of friendships can these really be if every day you’re going into a silent war at work and feeling as if you have to watch yourself when you hang out with Friend B or that you have to pacify Friend A? You are a good friend misusing your good qualities. Up-level your friendships with some assertiveness and confront this awkwardness.

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For more help with boundaries, my 30-Day Project, Embrace Healthy Boundaries will revolutionise the way that you engage in your relationships so that you can take care of you.