I’ve written about red flags before, but I wanted to cover the subject especially in the context of drama seeking and helping you recognise inappropriate, abort mission, sprint in the opposite direction, take off the Rose Tinted Glasses and the Bruised Ego Fur coat.
A red flag is a signal in the other parties behaviour or about the relationship which flags a serious problem in the relationship, whether that is straight away or further down the line.
It is likely that a red flag will deal a fatal blow to your relationship – It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but soon, although many women continue with the relationship regardless, because they have travelled too far down the road and are heavily emotionally invested, or just plain scared of walking away. Or the sex is too good…
So actually, they deal a fatal blow to the relationship…you may just choose to ignore it.
Normally where there is one red flag, you’ll find another, and another.
Unfortunately taking in one is like giving carte blanche to even more and I cannot emphasise how important it is for you to set and stick to clear boundaries for unacceptable behaviour, otherwise, you will shift your yardstick of acceptance to accommodate bad behaviour and the effects of being involved in these relationships can have long lasting repercussions.
In the context of drama seeking, there is one key factor that should be your automatic wake up call:
If you have lots of drama in your relationship and find yourself creating it, this is a big glaring indicator that something is very wrong.
At this point, you need to determine whether there are any red flags, which in turn reflects your way of reacting to external fears….or is your drama all internal – your own drama central of your own creation where even if you had the most perfect man on earth, you’d create drama of some sort. Obviously the perfect man doesn’t exist!
As mentioned in the original post, “we ignore red flags because:
– We’ve already slept with them and are already in the justifying zone, that place we go to where we keep finding reasons to stay with the person to justify sleeping with them.
Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
– We want a relationship more than we want the right person.
– We’re insecure.
– We’re blinded by lust and desire.
– We have ‘I can change him’ syndrome.”
All of these things suit our own internal agenda – the ‘ole self-fulfilling prophecy and an opportunity to avoid looking a little closer to home at ourselves because the other person poses bigger problems to deal with.
So let’s readdress the key red flags in the context of drama
Anger and aggression
If he has trouble keeping it in check, he’s irrational, violent, and a bit too handy with his fists, be careful that you don’t end up being a human punchbag or being emotionally abused. In relationships with lots of drama, if the only way that you both seem to ‘communicate’ or extract a reaction is to argue and fight, this is a serious signal that you are both engaging unhealthily. Abort mission or at the very least seek professional help for anger management!
Emotionally unavailable
Something that a lot of women are all too familiar with on this site. These are men that are extremely self absorbed and are incapable of sharing anything of themselves emotionally. In relationships with lots of drama, you are w.a.s.t.i.n.g. t.i.m.e. This is like trying to elicit emotion out of stone. If you think he’s going to change, if you think he’s just going through a phase, if you think that if you just do something a bit different or basically fight to get his attention that you’ll get the relationship you want…stop. Abort mission!
Dodgy attitude towards sex
Pay attention to guys who don’t know what to do with themselves if they don’t get their ‘medicine’. Some of these will never be satisfied. Also unhealthy attitudes in the bedroom do spill over into other areas of your life and will leave you feeling very insecure. In relationships with lots of drama, this is not drama in a role play kinky sex moment – drama will be created when you try to get him to change his attitude and he is unreceptive. Drama seeking can also happen when you are sexually frustrated because you feel like your needs are not being met and you are also unheard. There’s many a woman who will put up with this rather than leave, but remember that if you stay, it’s now your choice.
Irresponsible
Is he incapable of doing much for himself because he’s a mummy’s boy? Is he irresponsible with life in general – bills, rent, job and borrows money off you? Is he reckless? Say it with me – you are not his mum, you’re unlikely to revolutionise the wheel, and instead of creating lots of drama around trying to make him responsible when he’s a grown ass man, opt out of the drama and save your money as well because these men tend to suck you dry whilst unleashing your inner drama demon.
Addicted to something
If you meet someone and they are addicted to something and not aware of it and doing something about it, this will impact on your life greatly if you continue on. You can’t fix, heal, or help those that don’t want it and often our desire to be involved with these men is about unresolved parental issues – a bit like righting the wrongs of the past. I strongly advise that you be very careful because you cannot provide a rehab for him and often if these men get the help they need, you may not be so attractive to them any longer as you represent something negative about them.
The Controller
Run like the wind from a man that wants to control you. It won’t let up and the longer you’re with them, the more entrenched they becomes in your life, is the worse they will become. Watch your self esteem walk out the door. The drama will occur here when you rebel or when you try to get them to be reasonable, which is a bit like reasoning with the unreasonable. This is a very dangerous situation and after a while you’ll realise that the drama is being controlled and is being used to manipulate you.
They play victim
Be careful of anybody that refuses to take any responsibility for their life and blames it on others. You will eventually become one of those ‘others’. People who play the victim and refuse to see their own part to play in things make dubious partners. In a drama filled relationship, even when you are actually the victim of their mistreatment, they invalidate that right by claiming their victim status. Be careful though…drama filled relationships sometimes have two people playing the victim – better for you to shed the victim status and get strong…and get out of the relationship.
Not over the ex
Not over the ex, not ready for you. Plain and simple. The drama starts when you start trying to push yourself into pole position. Really, you can’t win and it’s pretty horrible place to come back from when you’ve been relegated to this horribly insecure position. Creating drama to get his attention and have him focused on your unmet expectations and feelings is like hurling your energy into a black hole.
Problems with past/childhood
Unfortunately things happen in life and it can be difficult getting over things and dealing with them. Some things have a very lasting effect on people and can impact hugely on future relationships. They of course can be overcome, but failure to acknowledge these issues in the first place and openly deal with them will cause big problems. Hell, it’s difficult to find people without some issues, but drama will be created when one or both parties pasts are very much in the present. You can’t provide enough love for the both of you – both have to be in it together and if one or both of you don’t want to come to terms with your past, this relationship will crash and burn.
Nasty and spiteful
I am always wary of people who don’t have a good thing to say about anyone and begrudge people their success and revel in their failures. I don’t think it’s the fabric of a good strong character and it’s something to keep an eye on. Mean spirited people don’t stop being so in a relationship and may attack your self esteem by latching on to what they think are flaws in you. Drama will be created here when you fight back against their nastiness or respond to their treatment of you. After a while you get caught in cycle of they treat or speak to you like sh*t, you get upset/throw a wobbler, you probably end up apologising, or eventually he grudgingly apologises, then he starts doing mean things again to play to your insecurity.
Your thoughts?
There are 2 more days left in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, so there will be several posts running over the next couple of days as there weren’t enough days to cover the questions! Look out for posts on: more on red flags – a list of specific relationship drama situations that spell trouble and some suggestions for dealing with them and the No Contact Rule – The Get Out Plan (for when you’re just not ready to make the full break), plus how to deal with ending a relationship with a colleague.
I also have a guest post from Lance from Honey and Lance plus another from Brad K.
If you are a Drama Seeker, you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.
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Good Post! My EUM has three of the red flags you listed. He is emotionally unavailable, is addicted to something (alcohol), and has issues from his childhood. Hmmmm…..I’m guessin’ he’s not a real good candidate for a relationship! Thanks for the eye opener, NML!
Great advice! I think it can’t be stressed enough that it’s important to realize when you’re justifying so that you can strip those scales from your eyes and force yourself to make the tough decisions. Gradually it gets easier–how long can looking out for your own best interests be tough?
It is not just they are not a good candiate for relationships, they treat everybody poorly.
That makes them bad co-workers, bad friends and parents.
I was the sounding board for my dude, he would talk about his kids and when I made a comment, he would say: you don’t know what you are talking about. Hmmm, I raised 2 kids, he is right, I don’t know what I am talking about…
I am just a mere woman.
Finally Over It – Three! Run like the wind! How do you cope with him?!
Honey – Now that’s a very good question! What I find is that people don’t look at it as keeping their best interests at heart and instead focus on what they think they’re missing as opposed to the reality.
Astelle – Very, very, true. He wanted to run his mouth and for all intents and purposes, he could have been having a conversation with a wall as he didn’t want any feedback. In fact, he didn’t want conversation!
My ex filled most of these red flags, and our relationship as well. Your advice should be spread around fast because I know there are lots of women out there in an unhealthy relationship who probably don’t even realize it.
Interesting article… well… mostly. Once I reached the gender specific references contained in the list of red flags, I spent the rest of the article replacing ‘he’ with ‘he/she’ to add an element of neutrality.
I understand that this is a site for women, by women, and only stumbled upon this article after I Googled ‘violent women justify behaviour on hormones’. So, I hope you can appreciate my situation as a desperately unhappy man struggling in a destructive and dysfunctional relationship, and why I continued to read this article, reader comments, and take the time to add a personal view.
I don’t need to dig too deeply to apply several red flags you described to myself. I don’t imagine too many men and women who couldn’t apply at least one to themselves at some stage(s) during their lives. If you are in a dysfunctional relationship, then, like me, you’ll probably relate to more than one.
Yet, the more I read on this site and others about what are seemingly male-oriented behaviours, the more I sense a pervasive attitude that regard males as genetically predisposed to growing into mal-adjusted, misogynistic men.
I’ve known men whose traits and behaviour strengthens the stereotype, however, the gender bias of articles such as this one, and the sheer number of articles/sites/publications out in the ether referring to ‘he’ when describing negative human traits, perpetuates a distorted view, in my opinion.
From bitter experience I have gained first-hand knowledge of all the red flags mentioned – seemingly applied only to men – perpetrated by a woman – abuse and violence in particular. BTW: abuse and violence, is not, has never been, nor will be one of my traits.
My own experience has unfortunately proven to me that when my wife becomes uncontrollably abusive and violent 3-5 days per month, society’s predominant attitude is to either laugh it off and say ‘be a man… toughen up… get over it…’, or suggest I’m intolerant toward female biology.
There is virtually no support, recourse, understanding, or compassion, from men or women – issues like abuse and violence appear to be taken seriously only when perpetrated by a man, not vice versa.
The more successful a woman in her career, and the better educated, the less likely she is to be viewed as being capable of such behaviour. This, has been my experience.
As a husband, and a father, I feel left with very few options. To stay, legitimises dangerous and destructive behaviour, to leave, means leaving our home and young daughter, whom I love dearly.
The prospect of contending with a hostile society’s attitude towards a man walking out on his family, regardless of the circumstances, doesn’t sit comfortably with me either.
I’d like to say I shouldn’t have ignored the red flags when I first met my wife, but by doing so I’d also be saying I wished my young daughter wasn’t born, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
If only our attitudes towards equality weren’t so unequal, maybe social norms wouldn’t regard female abuse and violence towards men as a somehow justifiable and benign act. It might also mean some men aren’t left feeling helpless, hopeless, intimidated and isolated.
Hi Paul, I take your point about the fact that a lot of the articles are gender led, however that’s not to fuel a stereotype; it’s because the audience is by and large women but also because no post on here is written in isolation – they fit contextually into a bigger picture which has by and large been about an ongoing discussion to help empower women to have better relationships both with themselves and others. I’m very much accountability so I do not encourage readers to assume victim status and instead ask people to deal with what they have control over and understand how they come to find themselves in this situation. This is not a blame men site – this is why I’ve ended up having a lot of male readers – the site is read by nearly 140K unique users a month, plus I also find that what I write about transcends sexuality so I get contacted by a lot of gay readers also.
That aside, I don’t condone violence by either sex. I am unaware of a social norm that regards female violence as justifiable – violence is violence. You’re in a situation that is incredibly painful and abusive and you feel trapped because that is the impact of being with an abuser where there control appears to remove your options. I also have to say, that whilst violence is violence, I do feel that violence towards men is played down, misunderstood and widely underdiscussed. I certainly don’t expect you to ‘get over it’ and so by the same token by which you feel that there is generalising about men, maybe you need to realise that you’re generalising about women. I don’t have the easy answer but I do suggest that the first thing you do is help build your own strength in this situation by speaking with someone. It’s also fair to say that your wife needs help although it doesn’t sound like something she may be willing to hear… Always remember that you can still be a father to your daughter even if you are not in the same home but I also appreciate that you feel uncomfortable about going. However you’re also removing your options. If you’re going to stay, seeking outside help via counselling etc are the key options because people who are abusive rely on you doing what they expect. Until they feel distinct negative consequences and recognition that you won’t put up with their behaviour, they continue.