Experiencing a level of anxiety when we embark on dating again after previous setbacks is entirely normal. We tend to be quite hard on ourselves when we experience it though, exacerbating the anxiety, and making it difficult to get grounded and trust ourselves.
People often say to me that logically they know what’s up but that emotionally, they’re in a different place. They experience confusion, overwhelm and even feeling triggered, which leads to a vicious cycle. Think anxiety, stress about being anxious and stress over whether we’re right to be anxious or wrong and messing things up. That’s a lot to contend with. And that’s before throwing in worry, which is like praying for what we don’t want to happen, or self-criticism and feeding the thoughts with judgements, ridicule and contempt.
We are afraid.
We’re afraid of trusting the process.
Just tell me right now! Can I relax because this is a forever deal? Or, should I brace myself for disappointment?
Of course, no one can give us those guarantees or a crystal ball into the future.
We might be afraid of the past happening again and so have a wall up to defend against it. Or, maybe we fear being trapped or losing everything we’ve worked hard to rebuild.
It might be that we have underlying beliefs that we’re not ‘good enough’ or that all men/women cheat.
We might be half and half about having our back because we’re unaccepting of uncertain about who we are. On some level, we’re convinced that any misstep and a flaw we love to magnify might screw things up. This makes us insecure and afraid of uncertainty because we’re not certain of who we are and might be in future.
But here’s something that we need to ask ourselves when we’re anxious or playing the situation back after the fact:
Which me was afraid in that moment?
In our anxious moments, our younger self turns up. We’re like matryoshka dolls with a version of us for every age and moment in our lives.
Odds are, when we’re anxious, it’s one or several of our younger selves feeling threatened and anxious due to uncertainty about whether our present self has their back. When we acknowledge that, for example, our 25 to 29-year-old self is who’s with us in those anxious moments, we can compassionately acknowledge why.
Our younger self worries about being ignored/rejected/abandoned/hurt/screwed over or something. It still thinks that we’re ‘back there’ and is not yet aware of how we’ve grown. It’s afraid to trust us.
Without that reassurance and the growth that comes with learning from the past and evolving beyond it, it/they act out. This might help our present self confront an old wound and respond differently (breaks the pattern). Or, left unattended, it will deepen the wound and expose us to further painful situations in more attempts to heal it.
We often try to counteract anxiety by trying to gain more control over what we can’t or focusing excessively on one thing/area/person to overcompensate. All this does is ramp up the anxiety.
If we keep responding as we did in the past, it sends an internal message that our responses to certain emotions and situations are ‘correct’. In turn, this reinforces something that isn’t working for us and that’s in effect keeping us small.
We can break this pattern and begin healing by talking back to those anxiety feelings. We can also send a message to our younger selves by saying, “I am safe. I am secure”. This gives us the space to get grounded and discern what’s going on. We can take command of us. We take responsibility for how we feel and want to continue feeling by choosing our next actions more consciously so that we support us. For example, it’s better for us to pick up the phone or send a querying text than it is to blow hours, days or even weeks stressing us out over what might be going on in the other person’s head. It also helps if we don’t just latch on to our worst-case imaginings and we interrogate whether there are other possibilities.
Putting up a wall, being hard on us, might guard against being hurt in other ways, but it doesn’t get rid of fear and anxiety. If we take care of us, we learn that we are safe and secure regardless of what the other party does or doesn’t do, because we trust ourselves to respond in the present as things unfold.
Your thoughts?
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As ever, this just so spot on…
Anxious ‘old stuff’ feelings have popped up in a recent relationship – your posts have really helped me realise what has been going on inside. My younger self actually totally had my back in this instance, reminding me of occasions in the past with Mr Unavailable that current me had rose-tinted. My younger self and I are currently in No Contact phase and feeling strong.
A massive and sincere THANK YOU for all that you do and share.
Couldn’t have timed this one better!
During a particularly stressful break up with an ex about 3-4 years ago, I developed depression and anxiety so bad that I was put on citalopram and referred to a CBT specialist due to having panic attacks and other bizarre symptoms every day (I honestly thought I was dying). The truth of the matter is, I was genuinely scared and I felt hopeless about life and the future. I was very happy at that time to finally have met a man who wanted to be with me and make a go of things. So when things started to fall apart around my 29th birthday, it triggered this awful cycle of stress, depression and anxiety. I was also struggling with my lupus, in a load of debt, had moved into awful house shares about 4-5 times that year and was in a crummy, low-paid job – so I clung onto him and our haphazard relationship for dear life.
Having never had a decent chance at any relationship before, I was willing to do anything to make that one work. I had also set myself this ridiculous target of making sure that I wasn’t single by my 30th birthday. In my head, I needed to have a steady beau or be settled by 30. Even though I knew deep down our relationship wasn’t ideal and we weren’t a great match, I threw everything I could at it because I couldn’t/didn’t want to cope with having to deal with yet another failed attempt at a relationship – especially when everything else in my life was shit.
So when he decided he was too stressed to be with me (he had various housing and immigration issues at the time which meant he couldn’t work either), my world fell apart.
Fast forward 3-4 years, and I’ve been dating using mostly websites. I’ve overcome my irrational fear of being alone in my 30’s (I’m already living it now!), but other areas of my life have improved vastly and I’m happy for most part, which makes living single not seem like such a punishment. I still struggle with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy/failure (to others, I must seem like the typical “can’t keep a man” or “she’s too fussy” type of woman), but it’s not for the lack of trying. I want a husband and children very much and not knowing if/when that will happen is a huge source of anxiety and sadness at times.
It’s unfortunate that I seem to meet a lot of guys who love to try and bust my boundaries and/or present themselves as someone/something they’re not, and this evokes feelings from previous failed attempts. But I’m so grateful that I have the hindsight and the confidence/knowledge to identify these arseholes and remove them immediately (thank you Natalie!). As soul destroying as the dating process can be sometimes, I’m able to approach with a less fatalistic attitude, and I do things MY way now. That’s real progress! 🙂
My god does this comment get to me! I’m 29 now and about to turn 30 in January and my last (and only) serious relationship ended 5 years ago and I’ve been dating since, meeting mostly Mr Unavailables. I’m dating someone now and it’s going well but he’s separated since last year from a 14 year soul sucking marriage and yet again, I find myself with a guy who probably won’t want to commit long term because the last time he did that, he made a wrong turn. I’m happy being the way we are now, never dreamed of marriage or anything but I’d love for this relationship to last. I’d love to be able to say “I have a boyfriend” when I get to 30. It’s a dumb thing to hope for and I’m settled on my own and fine with living by myself but I just want to be able to have the time to build something serious with a guy instead of him stepping out after a year or less.
C.B. I understand exactly where you’re coming from, and I’d like to reassure that everything will be alright! I’m 32 now, and the last year or two has been tough (watching everyone around me marry, settle and start families – whilst I can’t even get a call back lol), but it really taught me a lot about myself and what I want/need in a partner. I look back to those days with my ex and I feel like such a fool! I sacrificed so much of my pride, self esteem and self-respect on that clown, and he’s since moved on to someone else and had a baby (the baby I so desperately wanted with him). And the best part? I feel totally indifferent about it all! I’m actually relieved that I’m not stuck with that loser for the rest of my life like his poor girlfriend is.
I’d strongly suggest that you take things very slowly with this new guy… I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but he sounds like he needs time to work out his issues from his previous marriage, and you don’t want to run the risk of becoming his rebound or fallback girl (Natalie has many blogs about this, which I implore you to read).
It sounds like you already have reservations or feel that this relationship will fizzle out like the others, so I say listen to your gut/instincts, and don’t cling on like I did for the sake of saying you have a partner when you turn 30. 🙂
Awesome! I feel very much the same way.
Yep, that feeling of not wanting to live life alone lasts far beyond ones thirties. Approaching 56 and it’s still a problem. Currently, I am in a rship that is, by necessity, long distance. When he is with me I am treated like a Queen, when he is away, it feels as though I barely exist I his life. Not sure if we have a future. On the other hand, I am within three years of retirement and leaving a region where it’s notoriously hard for any woman to date. Leaving, especially on a very constrained income, has no guaruntee the situation will improve. Perhaps I too am clinging to someone I should not. Nowadays all of my selves, younger, older, somewhere in between have my back and I theirs. Sadly though, often their advice is to walk away from potential partners and delve right back on in to those feelings of loneliness, that I am somehow defective, to blame, etc. Added to this is my somewhat misguided sense of entitlement: after surviving multiple abusive families as a child, breast cancer, breakup of a marriage, destruction of a research career, the disastrous encounter with a Narcissist that brought me to BR, a rapidly deteriorating work situation, and finally, the culmination of 18 years of long distance care taking of my late father, I often FEEL like I deserve love and good companionship, dammit. However, the Universe doesn’t owe me squat.
Hiya
Sorry to hear you are going thru so much, just reading your post reminds me of my life, I have had so many failed relationships sometimes I’m wondering if the bigger problem is with me, I just turned 50, have been married and divorced, have 4 grown up kids, have had 6 long term relationships but all failed after a few years, met someone a little while ago and we broke up yet again this week, I seem to give so much and get little back from my partners, eventually I get bitter and start to argue and eventually things fall apart.
I want someone in my life but I always end up with guys with so many issues and I fall in love too quick even when I know that person is not trying their best to make the relationship work, I’m always the one doing all the hard work and it’s so tiring as you feel not appreciated.
I know how you feel and being in a long distance relationship it’s not easy.
Hi everyone
Just want some perspective on my relationship, I have a bf and things was going kind of ok, house to drink way lot and never had much cash after his binge drink, and smoke, I stood by him and now he’s stop drinking but he smokes way lot, he works but never have much cash to spend on other stuff, just cigarette.
We have been living together and we been arguing quite a bit and has broken up this week, the argument is mainly about me having to pay for nearly everything at home as I Own my own house and have a better pay job than him, he does help me around the house every day when he finish work, he is also a good carpenter and he helps me with decorating, his problem is he seems to think because he helps with odd jobs at home he doesn’t have to help pay anything apart from a few items of shopping.
I do care for him and I try my best to help him but I’m getting tired of having to do stuff like I’m his mum and he never has any savings or rarely buys stuff for himself to better his life, I am different and always trying to do more to better my life.
Before we broke up I said a lot of things to him about how I feel, he’s also insulted me that I’m being unreasonable and accused me of being selfish and that I don’t do anything for him bla bla…..which is not true as I cook, do the washing and clean for him when he’s at work as I work from home and have more time to do stuff. Plus I pay all bills, buy food, fuel, and so on.
Please tell me if I’m wrong to have argued with him? As we are not speaking anymore, we have been going out for over a year and he recently came to live with me a month ago and we share everything at home.
I don’t know if I’m the bad one in this..my problem is he never has money to do much apart from smoke, yet he works everyday.
Kadija – this break-up is now your wake up call, please don’t ignore the signs! He’s clearly showing and telling you who and what he’s about, and no amount of good loving or financial aid is gonna change that. He’s doing token things around the house to try to appease the fact that he know’s he’s not pulling his weight.
Don’t doubt yourself or your instincts, you are well aware that he’s bringing nothing to the table, and worst of all, he has the bare-face cheek to do so in YOUR home on YOUR dime! No man could ever talk to/treat me like that in my home – not unless he intends to be homeless and woman-less lol.
I know it must be nice to have someone to come home to every evening and to be able to say “yes, I have a man”, but at what cost? He drinks, smokes, is always broke and clearly doesn’t aspire to much. Is this the kind of person you saw yourself settling down with as a young(er) woman or little girl? Is this someone you feel you can trust with your heart? Someone who you could start a family with? Someone you could trust to take care of your child when you’re not around?
Get rid for good and keep it moving. He clearly doesn’t appreciate all that you’ve done for him so it’s time for him to find someone else to leech off. I’d advise you to think long and hard about whom you allow into your home in future.
All the best 🙂
Rachel
Thanks for replying and advice, well he seems to think that even with all the stuff I do for him, that is nothing and like I’m oblige to do so because I do the same for myself, he don’t have to contribute financially to the household, he feels that he is saving me money by doing a few odd jobs around the house saying that if I hire someone to help it would cost more…LOL..
Kadija
This dude is a perfect example of a meal ticket seeker.
Noquay
Yes I see it that way too, he is living with me cause he got everything for free…as soon as I ask him for some help he will gets defensive, that is why i told him to leave my house. He seems to think the world owes him a favour…
Kadija,
That guy is a free loader, and he is just trying to manipulate you by calling you selfish and accusing you of not having done anything for him. He knows it’s not true but is guilt tripping you. Translate it to him saying “how dare you are not ok with taking care of me financially, feeding me, cooking for me washing for me, housing me, giving me a shag i don’t have to sweat for? How selfish to think i’m a grown up man and can take care of myself?” Don’t doubt yourself kadija. You are not the bad one. Next time he whines and try to manipulate you tell him “I ain’t your mama!!” and break into some J.lo’s moves in the chorus (Picturing J.Lo in an apron).
I agree with you, AfroK. Neer-do-wells have a talent for emotional manipulation. Calling Kadija “selfish” is a trick. People-pleasers have an especially strong negative reaction to being perceived as selfish. Turn the tables on him and AGREE – “Yes I am being selfish. I am thinking about ME, what is good for ME. You are not good for me, so get out.”
Another word that we react to is “insecure”. I caught a Jerry Springer snippet where WomanB intentionally seduced and slept with WomanA’s boyfriend, repeatedly, and WomanB kept calling WomanA “insecure”. If a person is intentionally trying to take something from you, you are NOT insecure. Actually, it is WomanB who is insecure. She doesn’t think she can have a man of her own, so she goes after the low-hanging fruit, somebody else’s non-committal wanna-be-a-player man.
Some kind of way, these users know we are always trying to PROVE ourselves, so they use it to their advantage.
Afro, this is so true, he goes to work from 8am to 6pm, wen he reach home I already done everything, he helps me out at weekends, and this is it for him, like he don’t have to pay for anything, I do most of the chores at home. Yet he would say I don’t do nothing for him. I’ve had enough of his behaviour, he’s gone and I’m better off on my own, this guy is also very jealous, just because I’m doing well and I’m ambitious, he thinks I’m cheating on him with other guys from my work, which is crazy. Just before we broke up he goes that he don’t trust me bcoz he feels I can sleep with some guys for money.. Just bcoz I’m friendly and talk to other guys from work. Come to a point that wen he’s around I avoid talking to male work colleagues. I guess it’s time to move on…LOL..
Rachel,
Reading your posts as you either share your experiences or encourage others, i always admire your strength, resillience, insights and wisdom. Your ability to look back and put your -ve experiences in perspective and keep moving regardless. Well done girl. Almost 8 yrs since escaping bad marriage due to domestic violence and i feel i have allowed it to eat away at my self esteem. However I’d say after trial and errors i’ve become better with deleting obvious assclowns. The ones who don’t even care enough to feign decence from the beginning. What i’m not good at is deleting “lovely” guys who tick all boxes except wanting a relationships. I need to sharpen those skills.
On age deadline. I did that to myself. That by age 30 i should be married. It happened at 29. With the man who i had to escape from with my son due to DV. And he is a reason to so much stress, anxiety, zero self esteem, financial difficulties, and my lack of trust. It is not worth it clinging to some assclown just for the sake of being in a relationship. I appreciate how hard it is, as like you all my close friends were married and i was the one left out. It is great that you have turned the experience of not hitting deadline of 30 with the wrong guy, into positive learning curve. You are 32, stronger, wiser and glad you are not stuck with some looser AC just for the sake of it.
Having said that, i need to heed a lesson or two. I’m getting anxious coz i’m approaching 40 without achieving non of the deadline i had set, for me to feel more as a positive story of dv survivor instead of a victim.The latter being what ex pscho husband still goes out of his way to reinforce. I feel like i’m out of topic already so will stop here.
Stay positive.
Afrok,
Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me that my thoughts/experiences resonate with you in some way. It’s funny you should mention this, because I wholeheartedly relate to your posts when I see them, and I feel like we’ve both been through similar f**ked up situations in the past, but we’re still here, and still smiling and still able to crack a joke or two in spite of everything. We’re winning! No bitter Betty’s over here lol 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with your ex and DV… I’ve also been on the receiving end of an ex’s fist before (cocaine rage), and it was terrifying, so I can only imagine how awful it was for you and your boy to be in that situation daily. I’m just so grateful you and your son were able to get away from that… I hope you have the support, love and safe environment that you both deserve. I appreciate that it’s tricky when you have a child together because you still have to communicate with him, but keep it minimal and don’t let him get to you! Block out all those sly digs (my ex was fond of those), and vicious comments which serve to further deplete your self esteem. Remember you’re a survivor and a QUEEN, and he was never worthy of you to begin with. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words can still affect you, I swear they thrive off that shit.
I’m not perfect, and I often let myself down when it comes to my choice of dates/flings – especially when I am feeling tipsy, lonely or horny (the single girls’ trifecta as my friends and I call it). However, I am super resilient these days, I never beat myself up for having moments of sheer weakness or madness. Plus, I’m ruthless when it comes to drop-kicking them to the curb (a lot of them never see it coming!), and I don’t give chances for explanations anymore. One strike and you’re out.
Why am I like this? Because:
1) I have this unwavering belief that I’m not going to wither on the vine, and the right man will find me and make me see why it never worked out with all the others; and
2) Because I’m not 22 anymore, I’m 32 – and I’m so TIRED of these EUMs/assclowns approaching me with the same trifling BS over and over and over again! Sometimes, I’ll be on a date and I get serious de ja vu listening to a guy tell me how they’re “not like the others…”, or they’re “ready to settle down with someone special…”, or they “want someone to enjoy life with…” – knowing full well that they’re trying to butter me up in order to achieve their own agenda. Cheque please!
As a black woman, who dates black men (I can’t deny it, I like chocolate lol), I feel like I/we are at major disadvantage these days in terms of finding eligible black men to date and settle down with who aren’t too damaged, or hate women (especially black ones), or have umpteen baby-mamas (I’m assuming you’re a woman of colour so please correct me if I’m wrong). Even my older brother who’s 40 reckons black women have it rough these days because our men just aren’t what they used to be… But that’s another discussion for another day.
I’ll end this essay by saying, don’t let that imaginary clock get you down. Where there’s life, there’s always hope! I mean, look at Tatyana Ali (Ashley Banks from Fresh Prince of Bel Air). She’s now 37 and has recently gotten married and is expecting her first child with a guy she met on e-Harmony 3 years ago. And the best bit? They both look incredibly smitten and sickeningly happy. I know in her mind, she’s thinking he was worth the wait, because that’s exactly how I’ll feel when it’s my turn.
Stay positive too! Good things are coming.
x