Recently I was talking with someone who was like a broken woman consumed with thoughts of her ex morning, noon, and night. “How am I supposed to stay NC if I can’t stop thinking about him all the time? I’m never going to be able to move on!” That’s when I thought “Woah! Hold up a second here – who said anything about NC being about forcing yourself to never have a thought about the person ever again?”
No Contact is initially about not making or accepting contact, but it also provides the space to not only grieve the loss of the relationship, but to focus your energy elsewhere and begin rebuilding your life. What it isn’t, is cutting contact and then sitting around trying to not have anymore thoughts about them.
Experience has taught me that the more you try not to think about something, is the more likely you are to, and then you’ll stress yourself further about the fact that you are in fact thinking about it and what you think thinking about it means, and then often react off the back of it. Exhausting!
Back in October 2010, when I was told to cut out wheat in an effort to reduce tinnitus and vertigo, after initially thinking it was going to be fine and then discovering that wheat is in many things, I went on a serious moan-a-thon. In an effort to remain focused on what I thought was the task at hand – not eating wheat – I attempted to put wheat out of my mind, only for it to turn up in my dreams dressed as the likes of eclairs, hot buttery toast, and my puff pastry covered beef pies. I seemed consumed by thoughts of wheat and what I was feeling were the inconveniences.
After a while, mostly because I was wearing down my own last nerve and probably those of the boyf, I began putting effort into finding alternatives, discovering places to eat with varied menus, and making myself food that I enjoy. As I’d felt the health benefits after a week (seriously), tempting as it was to, for example, snaffle down a mince pie, I accepted that uncomfortable as it had been, overall I felt happier and better.
I’ve seen this replicated in so many aspects of life – change doesn’t come without change which means discomfort, but the change feels positive when you don’t just sit around complaining about the inconveniences of the change or trying to force yourself never to think about whatever it is that you’re changing from and/or having to leave behind or put on hold.
If you’ve had hopes, dreams, aspirations, and experiences good and bad with someone, it’s a bit tricky just to cut them out of your thoughts. It’s also part of the grieving and healing process to feel your feelings and process your thoughts so that you can draw conclusions, accept and move on.
Yes I had to avoid wheat, but I was making my life about avoiding wheat instead of focusing on improving my health. Equally, I found that I made great strides in being happy when I stopped making my life about maintaining NC and instead made it about having a better life…while keeping my ex at bay.
To go to the trouble of devoting your energies and attention to not thinking about someone and then obsessing about the fact that you’re thinking about them, is actually just another convoluted way of giving them more attention and remaining invested.
If you think about not thinking about them, you’ll think about them and if you persist at it, you’ll eventually ‘break’ and make contact. Same goes for anything else – you’ll either slow your progress by being resistant to it, or you’ll backtrack/fall off the wagon.
This doesn’t mean you should go “OK I’ll think about them all the time” but it is about helping yourself by doing 3 things that will make your life a hell of a lot easier and over time reduce the amount of time spent thinking about them (or something) and eventually replace these thoughts:
1) Accept that you will think about them but don’t make a mountain out of molehill. For many people, thinking about someone equals ‘I love them’; ‘We should get back together’;’It was a bad decision’. Initially, you’re bound to think about them a lot – it’s like ripping off a plaster (Band Aid) – but it’s important to remember that you’re processing a situation. There are many things that you think about – you don’t attach a call to action on all of them. As time passes, the thoughts will pop in but it doesn’t even have to mean that you’re not over them – they’re just thoughts and just memories and as your life builds up and moves away from them, these thoughts shrink and don’t carry the same weight.
2) But do have some self-control. If a thought pops into your head, for all you know, it’s just your unconscious processing away and throwing something out. What it doesn’t mean is that you should ‘make that call’ or ‘send that text’ or load another gazillion thoughts on top. If you spend hours or all day thinking about someone, that’s not one thought – it’s a sequence of thoughts. Unless you’re living in on another planet, even after a few minutes, you should become aware of the passage of time. Whether you recognise that you’re going off on a thinking track after one or twenty thoughts, pull yourself back to reality instead of saying “Ah shag it! I’ve had a thought or few about them – let me just write off today!”
Refocus your thoughts in reality – What can you do? Who can you talk to? What positives can you say to yourself to affirm the decisions and actions you’re undertaking? Isn’t there some work you should be doing? Things to be enjoying? I know quite a few readers who set a time limit when the thought pops in and then it’s ‘ding ding ding’, back to life. Initially you’ll use up all the time – 10 minutes is good – but the habit will actually have you reluctant to be a slave to your thoughts. It’s about being conscious.
3) If you have thoughts but you’re still active in the conscious, life will happen to gradually replace them. The more you ‘occupy’ your own life, as in living it, the more things that your mind has to spread itself across.
If you have a suddenly flurry of thoughts after feeling that you’re doing better, don’t panic – on a subconscious level, you’re actually moving towards acceptance. Maybe you’re enjoying yourself or have realised that a week or so has gone by without really thinking of them – it’s panic about rolling with it and letting go, so as if to make up for it, you go on thinking overload. It would be better to focus on returning to what you were being and doing before the panic arrived.
You don’t have to erase your ex from your mind but you also don’t have to give those thoughts so much power or airtime. You can think about them, you just don’t need to spend all day, all week, or all month on it – break things up a little…or a lot. These thoughts don’t own you – you own you – and you will find when you put plenty of positive action into your life, that the thoughts begin to follow that path instead.
Your thoughts? (hehe)
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
Image source SXC
Add to favorites
Excellent advice, Natalie! I was thinking about my ex quite a bit when I cut contact. Once contact was cut, I made sure to write (and hand write) a letter to him every day over the past couple weeks. It was not one that I sent, or intended on sending. Just things that I wanted to say to him on how I felt, how he made me feel, how hurt I was, etc. After writing each of the letters, I burned it.
I finally feel as if he rarely enters my thoughts, at least nothing like he use to. I may have a moment here and there due to something I read, or a song I hear, but its only now moments out of my day.
One other thing that has helped me was to sit and make a list of any one who hurt me through my life. The list turned out much longer than I had intended it to. I wrote how they hurt me next to their names. Started with my family, friends, and ex’s. I put myself mentally in a place to forgive each and every one of them in my heart. And then I burned the list.
I know that my ex has actually taught me some important life lessons. And for that I would actually thank him. With out those hurts (lessons) I would not be who I am today. I am stronger. I have learned much. I will find who I was meant to find when the timing is right.
Maybe these lists only helped me. Maybe this would not work for anyone else. I feel it helped me to recover, heal, and forgive with love. And now it is time to move forward. Time to let go. And time to move on.
This was a real problem for me. I think anyone involved with a EUM/Narcissist is scarred. The analyzing alone that you do can literally drive you insane and the rebuilding of your self esteem is a long journey. I was of course helped by this blog but also the book “The Power of Now” When I obsess now I observe my thoughts like an outsider looking in and the thoughts immediately lose power. Sometimes I even smile. Natalie you are brilliant and you always seem to hit it out of the ballpark when it comes to my situation.
Yep that was me at one time, he was my only thought every waking moment of my life and it WAS exhausting, my head felt like a bee buzzing in it all the time. At one point I could picture the bee darting all around inside my brain. But I found like Nat said the more I worked on having a life of my own the more those thoughts faded to into the background.
Yes I still think of him every so often but now a days the anxiety producing thoughts have been replaced with remembering the better years we had. No I’m not living in the past but I do find it comforting to know that even though we both have moved on there isn’t anything wrong with acknowledging our relationship. It didn’t work out but that is no reason to deny its exsistance or not to remember the good times.
2 saying I love:
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Its not a contest to see who gets to keep the AC longer.
There are NO prizes or awards to see how long you can stick it out with an assclown!
When I first split from the ex I took off to Greece for a month where I did do some talking about him and a fair amount of thinking although not as much as if I was at home, I suspect, because when I did return home it was like the only thoughts I had were about him but I accepted this and read these posts everyday along with all the replies and I was able to start processing the thoughts and start making sense of them ~ this was a fairly lengthy process as I also had my feelings jumbled up in there which I’m sure blurred my vision some what at times but what I did was kept bringing it back to me, as in, what I put up with rather than what he did or didn’t do and why etc. This helped me take responsibility for my actions and not fall into victim mode, I was also grieving the loss as you (Natalie) talk about and was doing pretty well but not as well as I thought as the AC managed to worm his way back into my life and affections after about 3 months only to drop me from a great height and move on swiftly to another er victim, I mean lady! Anyway, this set me back a bit but I got back on track and after some time I started getting out more, meeting new people and as I did, the thoughts of him lessened and even though I am almost there, I’m not quite there as he has bullied/manipulated me to speak to him again recently and even though he has left me alone after minimal contact, my thoughts are full of him again but they now come with more clarity, i.e. I can see him more clearly for what he is and I am about to go on another trip which might take me away for 6 months this time and I feel confident that while I’m away this time I will finally release all emotions/thoughts etc from this relationship and I am so proud of myself and so pleased because it has taken only 6 months to get to this stage and while I can occasionally think I wasted some of my time in the first few months when I barely went out the house (I haven’t worked for 10 months and moved to a new area where I know nobody and live miles away from family) I then think about how far I’ve come and I’m ok with it again, it is a process and it has to been gone through but breaking NC is sooooo dangerous because even though I’ve come this far, because of the recent contact, some of my thoughts are like, ‘well maybe he doesn’t need to change, maybe I was just as bad as him and because I’ve…
Oh Natalie! Thanks for this post, it has made me feel better already. This evening I was feeling fed up because even though I will never try and make contact with him I still think about him everyday. It has been nearly three months since he disappeared without any explanation and I just keep thinking about him and the whole situation. I keep asking myself why is it that in the past I have dated and had relationships and have been able to get over them easily in a short space of time and move on? I know I’ve come a long way because in the early stages I wanted to text or call him because I missed him/wanted an explanation. My self-esteem and pride would not allow me to contact him now because I know I wouldn’t get the answers I want and more importantly he has moved on. I need to stop obsessing about NOT thinking about him! A very good friend of mine said to me that when she finally went NC with her ex EUM it took her 6 months to finally realise that she was no longer thinking about him any more, she also said in time naturally your life will progress and you will start to think about him less and less. I hope so!
I remember in the early weeks of him disappearing on me when I could not sleep until I became so exhausted I couldn’t get up on time for work, I had headaches due to over thinking and lack of sleep. I’ve moved on from this stage thankfully but still think about him. It saddens me sometimes because we only dated for 2 months but I was caught up in such a whirlwind of extreme highs to an almighty low and to be still thinking about someone for this length of time considering the actual time we spent together is too long in my opinion. Never again will I allow someone to future fake with me!
On a positive note each day I think less and I think about different things in different ways. However, I’m still flippin thinking about him and he doesn’t deserve it!
I’m sorry to say, but this sounds about right. For many months serious brain wattage was being burned up, and I thought it would never end.
With me, the amount of time appears to be inversely proportional to the time spent getting over them. I had a bonafide LTR, title and everything that was just fantastic to be in, and our breakup was the best break up ever! We both just decided to stop and get off.
With the Assclown, it was totally different. I had to grieve the loss of the fantasy, I had to grieve the loss of my self esteem/identity/etc, I had to grieve the loss of them as a potential partner and grieve the loss of them in a separate capacity of friend. Then I had to get over the fact that before, during and after me they were sleeping around!
Why did it take so long? So much damage was done, my sense of self and self esteem was reduced to ashes and I needed to start again from scratch. I’m so glad I found BR because it would have taken 10x longer to get over it without BR.
Tired,
Exactly, it’s bizarre. I’ve also had long long relationships break up, by agreement – and it was fine. The amount of face time with the MM was really small so why has it been sooo painful? The first time I went NC the pain was like nothing I have EVER experienced. This time not so bad but still thinking about him a lot, occasional dreams, tears etc. And i am not really a tearful person.
Mymble,
“I’ve also had long long relationships break up, by agreement – and it was fine. The amount of face time with the MM was really small so why has it been sooo painful?”
I think it’s probably because these relationships are based so much in fantasy – theirs (especially if they did the Future Faking bit), and undoubtedly ours too where we fantasised heavily about their non-existent potential as The One. I too had a long-term engagement breakup where it didn’t hurt nearly as much or as long, and we have remained friends who can still laugh together for 17 years now. With that one, it felt really different to the EU relationship in that the whole thing was much more grounded in real life, and also we always treated each other with care and respect. I think I was therefore more realistic in accepting at the end of it that, sadly, we just didn’t work as a couple and were better as friends. With the EUM last year (a much shorter 1-year relationship), I now realise that hardly any of it was actually based in solid reality, and getting over that one this past year has hurt like hell.
Mymble
I think a lot of it is painful because we don’t want to accept the awful truth that He Doesn’t Give a ****.
We replay and replay the relationship, looking for clues that we meant something to him, that he really is a nice guy under it all, he didn’t know what he was doing etc etc. We can spend longer doing that than we ever did in the actual relationship (*ahem* that would be me). How long does it take to find something that isn’t there?
I get it, it took me decades to accept that the way I was treated by my mother was cruel and abusive. Ages to stop making excuses for her. Even longer to stop working on a solution. I know it’s not possible, but it feels to me like I spent several lifetimes doing it. Picking and picking and picking over it. I honestly believe that only divine intervention enabled me to let it go.
When you are stuck, sometimes the only way forward is to accept what you really don’t want to accept. It’s not a nice feeling, but, yes, the truth does set you free.
Radiogirl and Grace,
You are probably both right.
He was a very subtle person, with perfect manners, and there wasnt any obvious outrageous behaviour. But the more I think it through, the more veiled, disparaging remarks/behaviour I remember, which I didn’t notice or chose to ignore at the time.
Immediately after we broke up I dreamed that he came and kissed me and said he was sorry. (as in sorry for how he treated me). But I doubt he is.
Mymble,
“He was a very subtle person, with perfect manners, and there wasnt any obvious outrageous behaviour. But the more I think it through, the more veiled, disparaging remarks/behaviour I remember, which I didn’t notice or chose to ignore at the time”.
Sounds *exactly* like the situation between my ex-EUM and me. The subtlety, apparent good manners and lack of obvious outrageous behaviour made it all the harder for me to accept that he didn’t really have my best interests at heart at all, which then made it difficult to break away from my cherished fantasy image of him as a loving, caring, trustworthy and respectful partner. It’s only been through cutting him off completely (which eventually included consciously stopping myself from looking at things like his FB profile etc), and concentrating on rebuilding my life and self-esteem, that I’ve removed the power he once had over my thoughts and feelings. When I think about him now I mostly just feel nothing at all, which is a huge relief after a rollercoaster year of disbelief, longing, grief, hurt, rejection, sadness and finally anger whenever he was in my thoughts. Hopefully, I am moving into the final stage of grieving – the acceptance and moving on stage, where at long last I get some peace from all that drama.
Tired,
With the Assclown, it was totally different. I had to grieve the loss of the fantasy, I had to grieve the loss of my self esteem/identity/etc, I had to grieve the loss of them as a potential partner and grieve the loss of them in a separate capacity of friend. Then I had to get over the fact that before, during and after me they were sleeping around!
WOW so perfectly put! You just described what I’m going through. It helps to read this because often all of the combined thoughts of saddness, anger, confusion, frusteration, longing, (longing for answers, for comfort, for revenge) it all gets so hard to deal with at once. Reading this helps to take it piece by piece and understand what is going on. It also offers comfort because people around me who want me to be happy but don’t understand why I can’t just “let it all go, forget about him, get over it” would probably understand a bit more if I seperate what I’m getting over. I will try not to use it as an excuse to dwell longer, because I’m just oh so good at that uncomfortable comfort zone, but again, thanks for being able to put it down on paper so well.
Stephanie,
I think the ‘disappearing act’ aspect makes it even harder to get over him. I went through something similar a year ago and found that the lack of explanation/closure weighed on me tremendously. I don’t know about the details of your situation; but in mine, I told myself that I had also disappeared from his life in a sense, as I did not attempt to get in touch with him either.
All this to say, one year later I RARELY think of him and when I do, I feel a great sense of relief that it is over. So please don’t lose hope…these feelings will get better and as long as you have no contact, you will heal in time. All the best to you ;).
Stephanie…You could have written My Life down for me…I too was at the end of a Coward who could not give me closure…For days,minutes,weeks..I was so depressed,thinking What did I do that was so wrong to make him Want to end it so bad that he could not say Goodbye…It is even harder when there were such good Moments…Thats where I get stuck…I think about him still everyday,Sometimes with a smile,and others with outright contempt…I guess its my greiving process…Sometimes I dont get the No contact part,Because thats what was dealt to me..Not the other way around..But I do know that with each passing day its gotten better,and I dont cry like I used too…Your are not alone…And my heart knows exactly what you are feeling and have felt….
Hugs
Brenda
Thank you so much Natalie for this advice. I really need it. c:
That sounds like a wonderfull healing process @Soul Seeking, thank you for sharing, I think I will make a similar list myself as I am at the stage now where I am ready to ‘let go with love’ and move gently on. Well done and best wishes for the future x
Your thoughts? (hehe) Made me giggle!!!
You ARE a mind-reader!! I was just telling my friend today – that I am tired of thinking/dreaming about him and especially telling my friends the same old BS. I have been doing better during the day, and working on not talking about him to friends (to bring down the power I give him). But this last week and half, every flippin night has been a dream about him. I HATE IT!!!
I want to be healed NOW!!
If it’s any consolation, mine have slowed up a bit now – I have the odd one but they’re a whole lot more unusual now. I found that it’s helped a bit to have a seriously pleasant bedtime ritual (I got a lot of posh hot chocolate and a nice fluffy dressing-gown and tried to watch an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ before I went to bed every night for a while).
Sympathy, though, dreams are the worst ever – they are the unkindest and most unhelpful thing that my body has ever done to me and I seriously fell out with my subconscious at various points because I couldn’t believe it could be so MEAN!!!
Aimee
I love that, I also want to be healed NOW!!! 🙂
Thank you Mary C, I needed to hear that also, it’s like I need permission to acknowledge the relationship to enable me to kind of have closure and move on, he was/is EUM but so was I and maybe I still am a little and it is testimony to how far I’ve come that I am actually able to think like this and this is only happening now and the last day or so, so thank you for that, just what I needed to hear xxx
You’ll find your way. Its hard to lose the one you love, for me it was like a death and I needed to grieve as I would the death of any loved one. I had to go through all the stages and some more than once. As I’ve said many times before time doesn’t heal all wounds its what you do with the time. Hugs (( )) to you.
Natalie, this is amazing that this came in just today when I had such a bad day after feeling that I had been doing better than expected.I wondered why suddenly today I felt so bad and it was so reassuring to read in your article that that does not mean I am going backwards but is a way the brain is processing. and accepting.I could not imagine my life without him after 3 wonderful years and so want to get beyond this stage of grief at his going from my life.This has been so timely,you have no idea.Thankyou
I’ve been dreamin of him every night for past week. Oh, well. I try not to remember details when I fully wake and figure that one day I will not dream of him.
What does help me is to plan out things to do in my free time., and I like to remind myself at end of day the things that I accomplished during the day and that makes me feel good because I am assuring myself that I did not have a lonely depressed do-nothing day.
In the mornings when I drive to work I like to say aloud the many things that I am thankful for… makes me feel good. Or I make-up songs and sing them… fun.
Oh Boy!
Let’s see – four four entire months I expended serious brain wattage almost 24/7 thinking about the assclown. Sticking to The No Contact Rule was like taking one of those medicines that make you have severe nausea/vomiting and my mind just could not stop. Seriously!
It came to a point where it was almost impossible to focus on doing anything, which was sapping all my energy. Most of the thoughts were:
1. Coulda/woulda/shoulda
2. Replaying every frame slowly and seeing it / analysing
3. Trying to work out why they did X or what they were doing now and whether they really really were an assclown
4. Being trapped in my feelings
5. Trying to fight back fantasy/denial/seeking validation crack
6. Dealing with triggers i’d see all day (they’d had a red car, so every time I saw a red car on the street – you guessed it, my mind would go into overdrive).
7. Feeling generally crap about the situation
I eventually bought an iPod music player and started listening to music all day to override my thoughts and squeeze out the silence which facilitated this mega-over-thinking and analysing the crapola out of everything.
I’ve been involved with unavailables before, but this was my first assclown and hopefully my last!
Your 7 thoughts are exactly the same as mine!
If I see a black car the same make and model as his one, I cringe in my head! I’m glad to see I’m not the only one that thinks this way. I’m patiently waiting for the day for this feelings and memories to just disappear. I’m nearly there but not yet. The thing is there are certain songs on my iPod that I just cannot listen to because I downloaded them when I was around him and if I listen to them they bring back memories as well!
Ah Stephanie, yes the songs.
I have a wide array of songs on my iPod that I can’t listen to particularly songs that I used to indulge in my illusions of him or songs I used to romanticize his boundary crossings…hearing any of these is enough to bring me to tears because they bring back these bittersweet feelings of hope that I had at the beginning of our relationship.
I was so deluded.
I know just what you all mean about the car thing and other triggers. Nearly a year after breaking up, I’ve more or less got past most of these kinds of memory-jolters now so that he hardly crosses my thoughts these days (hurrah!). I’m really doing well getting on with building my own new and interesting life. But the music thing is a big hurdle to get over, and it’s really bugging me. I haven’t been able to listen to any of the huge collection of music on my iPod since we broke up last February. A lot of if even pre-dates my time with him, but unfortunately still reminds me of him because I shared it all with him during a lot of the times we spent together throughout our relationship. I wonder if there’s something special about music in this respect, as it is so sensory and expressive of emotions, and it can be so instantly evocative of particular times in our lives. I find it a bit like smelling a smell that reminds you of your childhood – it can quickly transport me back to particular eras, milestones and experiences. Do you think there’s anything we can do to disassociate the music from these bitter-sweet times in our lives that we want to move on from? I have this sort of uncomfortable “yearning” feeling whenever I happen to hear a lot of my collection of music now (am still not listening to it deliberately), and really wish I could get past this last “block”. It almost feels like he’s stolen my music from me! Any thoughts, anyone?
songs are a toughie, a major toughie, i even think about my ex ac when songs come on with words in that just makes u think of them…. let alone ones we listened to together etc…
music does that, i guess as long as your “over” it, then if u think about him just because of a song your in pretty good shape…
you cant ever completely forget they exist, unless you get amnesia or hypnotised or something, its like trying to say you want to forget completely about “that embarrassing moment” or whatever, you cant, and sometimes someone may remind you of it, but thats fine because your not sat there ruminating about it and letting it take over your life. its just a memory, nothing more nothing less
hope that makes sense, i rambled on a bit lol xxx <3
ABout Songs. Sometimes I can only listen to a French-Canadian radio station because I don’t understand any of the words! Or classical, or the ambvient stations on my sound system at work.
The songs thing is tough!
I went through months where I couldn’t listen to music at all (and for anyone who knows me that is pretty insane). It ended up being the trigger for a very big bout of depression (that and not being able to eat or sleep).
I guess a way through it for me was to start finding new music to listen to and rediscovering old music that I hadn’t listened to in years. And if all else fails, I listen to the classical music channel 🙂
Sorry I’m a few days late and a few dollars short on commenting on this thread but it stuck with me because I had the song thing too. I shared all my reggae with him, he shared all his classical with me. Thus, there was nothing I could listen to in the beginning of NC. I couldn’t even listen to the news cos he’d appear. It was a very quite time.
When I was breaking up with a verbally abusive AC several years ago and in therapy, my therapist advised that when I was ready, I should revisit the reminders and work through them. At that time, it was yellow daffodils. Before I packed my bags and my daughter’s bags and left overnight, I had filled the house with yellow daffodils. Now I notice them and think how fortunate it was I had the awareness to get out. After my quite spell, I can now listen to my reggae and his classical, even “our” favorite songs, smile, and think how fortunate I am to not be in that dark place. It took some time and a river of tears but I started to miss me more than I missed him! I’m listening to my reggae at this moment and I bbq’ed ahi for me and my daughter. It’s my music. It’s my backyard. It’s my bbq. He’s becoming a memory. Nothing more. He’ll be a yellow daffodil soon.
This is brilliant – thanks again. I’m really finding all of your posts dead helpful right now.
I’ve found one thing that really helped, although I’m only prepared to admit it anonymously. I have a fair amount of time in the car on my own on the way to work and I used to use it to talk to my baby’s father (the imaginary version) relentlessly. Sometimes I’d rant, sometimes I’d cry, sometimes I’d fantasize about a happy reunion… I swear I’ve spent far more time talking to him when he wasn’t around than I ever did when he was there.
Eventually I twigged on that this maybe wasn’t the best way to be living my life (duh), also it wasn’t great to be wiping away the tears as I pulled into work, so I tried to stop. But the more I tried to stop, the harder it was – I found the radio unbearable, the scenery made me want to cry and I’d get more and more stressed until I’d burst out and SCREAM at him. Back to square one.
So I stopped stressing about it. And then I made a rule with myself that I could talk to the imaginary him all I wanted, but only if I told imaginary him something interesting that I’d done or seen or even thought recently.
This worked on two levels – firstly it highlighted the fact that I’d stopped doing or seeing or (depressingly) thinking interesting things. And secondly, trying to talk to imaginary him about something actually factually ‘real’ forced me to be more honest about who he really was, what he was really like and what his reaction would be (probably not that bothered). And suddenly it was a lot less enthralling.
I occasionally do still talk to imaginary him, but now I just patiently explain why I can’t ever be with him and why it wouldn’t work and why it isn’t something that I want for my or my son’s life and then I leave it. I wouldn’t say that I’m fully recovered but I suspect that I’m an awful lot better.
Funny that. I had the same experience. It’s like their presence continues to linger for a while. Have you seen the Iron lady? Its like Dennis, Ms Thatcher’s husband, in that movie – he’s there but he’s not.
Ugh, though, Dennis Thatcher…. noooooooooooooooo!
The worst of it is that he IS still in my life (I get to see him twice a week! hurrah!) so I know perfectly well that he isn’t anything like the imaginary him.
In fact, I think that I originally started with the in-car talking BECAUSE there were so many things that I couldn’t say to him in person and I needed to sort out my thoughts… but really! Tsk. As if it isn’t bad enough having to talk to him as often as I do, I put in extra hours AND probably look like a madwoman to pedestrians to the bargain!
Yep, its pretty hard to vanish all thoughts of an ex or, in my case, an ex and an ex long term friend when they are on the same very small town. The ex is a co worker, and the ex friend lives down the road from my workplace. During the year I am giving myself to grieve both losses, I am avoiding some social events where they would be present. Otherwise, I use a technique that I learned from traditional teachings of “giving them my back”. When ex friend is encountered on our college road or trails, I say nothing and turn my head away as we pass. AC co worker has decided to be on a committee that I was already on; I make no eye contact with him and pass by him at the end of the meeting with my head turned away. Same goes for those times when he insists on sitting with a group of us at lunch. He is no longer included in gatherings that I arrange with colleagues. It often hurts like h#$$ but I do not let this show. I am however, still royally pissed that both of these “persons” get to move on with others while I feel stuck alone given the nasty realities of this area. I do not let that show either. Yep, many things trigger thoughts of both; an anniversary of an event we enjoyed together, some songs, etc. I go and do something; scrub a floor, chop some wood, pet a cat, get outside even late at night.
Yes. It is like HOW can they just get up unscathed and move on leaving me knee deep in doo doo!
But the answer to that is easy – they didn’t have anything invested in the first place…
but they don’t ‘heal’ either. They crack on with the same old patterns and the same unfulfilling lifestyle and stuck in the same place and they don’t grow or change.
I’m at the point (just!) where I can be grateful for the pain – it’s the best motivator for change ever and without it I’d just be trucking on in the old way, gathering more and more baggage and hurt and negative self-beliefs and never dealing with them.
It’s sad to have to go through that, but I think it’s sadder to never go through that and then to be old and looking back on a life with no real intimacy, no proper commitment, no real achievements (at least in human/emotional terms) and a host of hurt people waiting to get their own back in the afterlife.
@Yoghurt
Interesting -“I’m at the point (just!) where I can be grateful for the pain – it’s the best motivator for change ever and without it I’d just be trucking on in the old way, gathering more and more baggage and hurt and negative self-beliefs and never dealing with the…I Agree- “It’s sad to have to go through that, but I think it’s sadder to never go through that…”
I agree here, by feeling & acknowledging the Pain (helps me to heal in a way because) I accept the reality that something did happen but it wasn’t healthy for me so now traveling through the pain helps me to become stronger in my belief that one day I won’t feel a thing about this person or situation.
tired_of_assanova,
Bingo,
Some of these dudes deserve a Golden Globe.
I’ve done the ‘turn my head away’ thing myself but what I would really like to present is the ‘polite disinterest’ thing. Will this come in time?
I swear, you are reading my mind! I was feeling a bit miserable yesterday because I was thinking about my ex so much after a week or so of barely thinking about them at all (or having a random thought about him and then getting on with my day). I was seriously beating myself up about it but now I feel better having read your entry. I’m going to have wobbles and take steps back but providing I keep trying to move forward then it’s OK.
I just broke up with my boyfriend. The more I read your blog, the more I realized that I was growing resentful because I kept excusing his assclown behavior. Now I’m dealing with the fallout and reminding myself how much I did this for me, but I could use a little light in this area. It’s totally holding me back:
Two days before I broke up with him, he tried to break up with me because he said I wasn’t trusting enough. I got him to take it back and I promised him I’d try harder to believe him (that is, that he isn’t still seeing his ex) and stop seeking further evidence or not act on it. But on the morning before the break up, I just woke up feeling like something was wrong. I dug around hard enough that I managed to find evidence that is pretty much hard to question. When I confronted him about it, he denied it vehemently. When I broke up with him, he kept giving me shit for not trusting him hard enough. He’s blaming me for ruining our relationship.
I don’t want to take him back anymore. But I do feel like apologizing to him for saying I’d trust him but not following through. Am I at fault? Should I apologize to him?
Nope. It’s over now. You don’t owe them squat, and you can’t apologise for being yourself and having legitimate concerns. Nobody has the right to demand or have a claim on your trust – that’s under your control, not theirs. Talk about shifting the blame!
One of the things that made doing NC so hard was the physical compulsion to go back and ‘put things right’, ‘make things good’, and ‘not look bad’.
It doesn’t matter anymore and 10 months on, it really doesn’t matter. I don’t have to tell anyone and nobody will know unless I tell them.
And why are they talking to their ex? They’re supposed to be long gone and out of the picture.
I understand the impulse but I really wouldn’t. Don’t apologise to someone for not trusting them enough when they were abusing your trust.
When it comes down to it, the question is “Do you believe that he was trustworthy?” If you found evidence to the contrary then no, you don’t. Stick with what YOU know and YOUR understanding of reality.
He will have his own version of reality (that your lack of trust was out of order and caused the uncovering of evidence and the demise of the relationship) and that’s one that’s handy for him, because it absolves him of blame. Doesn’t mean that it’s right and if it doesn’t mesh with what YOU know then reject it. You don’t have to accept his version of events.
People who aren’t trustworthy don’t deserve to be trusted.
If he is an assclown then you will never get him to accept responsibility for cheating on you or treating you badly – it’s an unwinnable game so don’t play it. What’s important is that you’re now ready to get on with life and become open to relationships where you don’t have to dig around for evidence because you DO trust them and you don’t need to.
@ Yoghurt
Agree – “People who aren’t trustworthy don’t deserve to be trusted.”…”it’s an unwinnable game so don’t play it. What’s important is that you’re now ready to get on with life and become open to relationships where you don’t have to dig around for evidence because you DO trust them and you don’t need to.”-Agree!
@tired_of_assanova, yoghurt and chigirl123
Thank you all so much for your affirming responses. I’m anticipating that the grieving process can be confusing at times. I’ll always go back to your messages when I feel particularly lost 🙂
@tired_of_assanova
I can totally identify with the need to make things right. Through this blog, I’ve realized I just wanna do it to feel important again.
He was apparently still seeing her. He says he wasn’t but I just didn’t want to put myself through all that doubt anymore.
@Yoghurt
I’m gonna need to keep re-reading your post as I process the loss. I feel really sad about it, but I recognize the need to realize how much of him I made up in my mind and how much was really him.
I did feel deep down that he wasn’t trustworthy, but I used a lot of excuses to believe him and not let go (e.g. correlated certain things I liked about him to mean he had the ones that I actually needed to be happy.) These are now the things I must accept as illusions and let go.
Meryl Ann
No apology. Breakups are like that. People will say things they don’t really mean. Or forget to say things they wanted to say. Or not say things clearly enough. Or get misinterpreted. You have to accept that. If we all kept going back to our exes with “And another thing …” none of us would ever move on. We’d be stuck with spending the rest of our lives perfecting the break up.
The human race would die out!
You’re broken up, let it be.
Thank you for this. I really thought I had been doing better getting over the MM, and I know I have been. But I see him (and his wife) pretty much every week at church. I avoid him as much as possible, but he’s there, I see him, I hear him talking, and on some days, it just hurts all over again. Yes, I could sing in another church, but this is where my friends and my sister are. Plus, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s upset me. What I can’t understand, though, is why I get hung up on him and not my soon-to-be ex-husband (with whom I’m currently in the process of getting divorced). But perhaps, knowing that it’s normal for me to think about him (and it’s not 24/7) and not to dwell on it, those thoughts of him will fade away. And I’ll stop feeling as hurt as I do. I’m getting there, but it’s hard.
Amy,
I’ve read your comments for months now. I really really recommend that you go to therapy. What occurs to me is that the end of a marriage IS a huge emotional deal, that your brief dalliance with this MM was a distraction, and that your strong feelings and obsessing about that are a displacement of feelings about the end of your marriage. That may or may not be the case, but it’s worth finding out, and it’s important to get to the bottom of what’s really going on inside you. If money is an issue, not only is mental health now (by law n the US) mandated to be insured on the exact same level as physical health, there are so many low-cost and free services, offered by community organizations and the state. (My mom works in mental health for a state and there are s so many programs and clinics on a sliding scale or for free.)
BR is great, but focused one-on-one exploration could really change things for you IMO.
Amy,
It would probably do you good to take a SABATICAL from the church you currently attend. Go across town, or a couple districts away, JOIN a new church. You will be able to praise God and meet new good people without running into your X constantly – whom you seem to still have a thing for. You are in a negative holding pattern.
You could try this for while, and go back to your original church in a year or later., when you have healed and progressed in your own life. My opinion. Take Care Love!
Big hugs Amy.
I don’t know if this will help you but if you’re hurting that badly, it might help to examine why. In my case, I realised that it was my ego, pure and simple, that had suffered. Looking back at what I “had” with my ex made me understand and realise that the pain wasn’t from what I had lost. In fact, I had lost nothing even though the pain was monstrous and awful to the point of feeling like I was physically in pain. The pain was losing the hopes, dreams, etc. of having someone whisk me away from the pain that I was in before we hooked up. It was this way of thinking I believe that made me vulnerable to his nonsense in the first place.
The pain will go away and it will get better but you need to cut yourself some slack. I think the suggestions of taking a sabbatical from your church and going to another one for at least a little while are good ones. How can you have a chance to heal when seeing him keeps opening up the old wounds?
Be kind to yourself, immerse yourself in new interests and/or hobbies. Surround yourself with good friends and those who love you unconditionally. Once you start to engage fully in your own life, the emotional hold that your MM has on you will lose its grip.
Above all, please remember this: his behaviour as NOTHING to do with you. You haven’t done anything wrong. There is nothing that you could have done differently to elicit a different result. Stop thinking, analysing, and beating yourself up for having gotten involved with him in the first place. Thank God that you are not the poor woman married to this guy and move on.
“If you have thoughts but you’re still active in the conscious, life will happen to gradually replace them. The more you ‘occupy’ your own life, as in living it, the more things that your mind has to spread itself across.”
Great one Nat! Number three was very true for me. A few months ago, all of a sudden it occurred to me that this person was just not in my thoughts on the day to day anymore. I’ll still bring my ex up as an educational example/cautionary tale from “Assclownery Records Index, Vol. 0, Article, ‘Losers From My Past'”, but I never think about him in the present tense. Even when I get a random text, it’s like an alien from Planet ‘Oh…You Still Exist’.
Ladies, trust me, one day it will hit you that not only do you not think about your ex…you don’t care! It’s a natural extension of making your life all about what fulfills you and the people who bring love, respect and laughter into it. It’s a beautiful thing 🙂
Yes, this is where I am at Natasha. I have made it through. The AC still comes into my mind, probably every week or two, but only as an ‘ick, that sucked’ flash. Then I remind myself that pain is one thing, but suffering is a choice, and I move on. What brought me out of the ditch – besides this site – was using the experience as a wall to push from: to start new projects, make a few big decisions, make new friends, focus on old friendships, ground myself in the people whom I care about and who care about me, have fun, get involved in cheesy pursuits, and then, on the inside, I just started being far nicer to myself. I was on my own team. I am on my own team. That’s the main thing. So I don’t need to think about the AC because I know, in a real way, that’s it’s not in my interests to do so. It is not kind to me. But if I do think about him, I look at myself gently, as Nat suggests, which then allows me think of him in a far more frank ‘whatevs’ way. But this is all a process: it takes time to get through the confusion, sadness and shame of loving someone who was not in it and of selling yourself short. Super glad to hear you’re going so well. Your last para sums it up!
“But if I do think about him, I look at myself gently, as Nat suggests, which then allows me think of him in a far more frank ‘whatevs’ way.”
Yup!! So very true Elle. I couldn’t agree more that being nicer to ourselves allows us to get on with it way quicker than marinating in the ol’ shame ‘n blame! No one has to waste their life doing penance for being involved with an asshole. I love how you break things down, as always. So glad to hear you’re doing so well too lady 🙂
Boy does this speak to me. Not only do I think about him, but I even dream I am with him. Ugh! Like Lovingme, I moved to a new area (in part to get away from him) and I do not have any close friends here. I too find myself thinking about him especially when I am feel lonely (which is often). I have been processing everything that happened and really praying about it all. God put something in my heart that helped (since secretly I hoped he would have a change of heart and would transform into a man worth having). God revealed that He could never bless the relationship since my ex was really a married man (although my ex claimed he was separated from his wife and never intended to return to her). In truth, I was asking him to divorce a woman who was raising his children in another country by herself and have her bare the stigma of being a divorced woman (which is considered very bad in that country). I had no right to be with him even if he tried to paint a different picture, the fact is, he is married. I was wrong to have gotten involved with him. I let myself down and disrespected myself and what God had joined. I know it might sound too old-fashion to some, but it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I still think of him, but now I see him as what he really is … married. Had I really seen him in this light from the beginning, I would have not let the relationship go any further. Now I am no longer looking back towards him, but to the future and what it holds. It has been torture, but prayer and allowing God to show me where I have been making my mistakes has helped me so much. Also this site which I was led to even before leaving him. What a journey this has been. At least now, there is no turning back in light of the truth I have been shown.
“I know it might sound too old-fashion to some, but it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.”
Doesn’t sound old fashioned at all to me! The situation with this jerk was no good from the get-go (he lied to you and his wife – ICK.), but you took yourself out of it. I think you are doing wonderfully and I really loved your whole comment – faith in life is really a precious thing 🙂
p.s. The friends will come, not to worry. My best friend moved here on her own from another state and we met at work. There are a ton of nice people out there, you just have to meet them!
Natalie, I have to agree with Aimee you ARE a mind reader. I feel as though you posted that particularly for me! This is why we all love you so much. You make us feel like you are speaking TO US. As he passed through my mind today, I got an epifany: The reason why I think of him is because I miss the sex! Certainly, not enough to go back. I came to realize every time I think of him it’s not about is personality but how he made me feel in bed. Eff that! The next thing that comes to mind is all the stupid sh*t I went through with him and then I go to something else and continue living my life. I just have to be careful who I get involved with next. If I ever do, because I sure don’t want sex to be the motivation because that’s why I fell for his sorry arse. Now, I see how we can unconsciously repeat patterns. NOT ME. The more I understand myself and what is going on with my feelings, the better I feel about having ended the insanity, and not getting into the same situation again.
Lovingme, I really like your healing method. I may try it.
Yes Natalie, I’ve noticed that my thoughts of ex-lover continue to diminish as time passes your emails have been very helpful for me to channel my thoughts, emotions,hurt,anger, fear,etc. You are right, I’m learning so much about myself and how to create firm BOUNDARIES. I’m in charge of who I allow in my space and I have to take responsibility on my part all the time-never leave it to someone else to take care of me.
Sometimes, I write out my feelings on paper and then I ball it up/tear it up and put it in the shredder (of course I don’t want anyone to find out that I was hurt so badly by an ex-lover, but oh well, I realize when moving on with life it really does take time and effort and work to get a person that you once trusted out of your system because the thoughts & memories creep up in your mind when you really don’t want them to). Sometimes, actual pain occurs physical pain in my heart it can just come out of the ‘Clear Blue Sky’ and it hurts like hell (a tear may want to roll down my face or something because I’m mourning, still having a feeling of loss in my heart&mind), but like you say you have to be conscious and decide to not let it consume you. Also, there are good memories/laughs/promises made that make me want to reach out to him but then I have to become conscious of the real-reality (snap out of fantasy world) and remember why I can no longer be in contact with this person! You are so right NC, it isn’t easy but it is POSSIBLE to do… Also, I’ve noticed that I had/have an emotional attachment to him because like at certain times of the month I’d feel that I needed to talk to him the most (it’s as if no one else would do, it had to be him), I really don’t know why but it’s like almost a chemical reaction within my mind or something as if only after I’d speak to him I would feel better about a subject or issue at hand *shrugs & smh* now I’m aware of it and I kind of brace myself to look out for that pattern of behavior/desire to talk & exchange info. about things as I move on into the future.
This has been so difficult. I am on 4 months of no contact with my ac after being on and off for 18 months. I obsess about this jerk and imagine him and his new victim (girlfriend). I work with him and sometimes have work contact with her so they are visible. I think about him and everything he ever did and said to try to make sense of it all. i just want him out of my thoughts. I would never go back to him but still feel the pain and rejection daily. I can’t sleep because of the thoughts. I really feel crazy at times. While hes moved on and enjoying the new gf, I’,m thinking about him. I hate giving him the power.
marie, i feel the same exact way. i work with the MM/AC and his marriage is actually doing BETTER now because of our affair (so he says, because he “learned” from me he needs to do the small things for his wife and that he needs to be exciting with her), so he’s doing better and i’m broken up and having a hell of a hard time moving on. i was a launching pad for him, i guess, but i doubt his new found appreciation of his marriage and life is going to last. i wasn’t the first affair he had.
this has just been a horrible experience on my self-worth, self-esteem, and self-identity. every day is a new struggle and new pain but i can’t go back.
Limerence No More
That’s nice for him. Has he told his wife that he’s cheated on her with multiple women and that he continues to discuss his marriage with at least one of them?
He’s lowlife. Don’t talk to him except for work-related stuff when you really have to, preferably never alone and only during normal working hours.
No he didn’t tell his wife about the affairs. He comes up to me at work to tell me these things. I was walking down the hall one day and he literally grabs my arm and is like “how are you doing?” UGH! I’m about to go to HR or something because he refuses to respect my wishes of no contact. Just last night I got an email that he “was thinking about me all day long”. And the other day at work he wanted to meet me because he “honestly just wants a hug”. WTF? His mind-fuckery is off the scale. I’m at a REALLY bad point in my life and this is NOT helping me. Some days I feel really great, keeping up my boundaries. Other days I’m exhausted from all the effort, even though I know its worth it in the end, and it really hurts when he continues to do this. I realize I have issues and that this entire affair was just me acting out those issues. Unfortunately, realizing that doesn’t make them all magically go away so I still struggle because part of me is still like “BUT I LOVE HIM! I WANT HIM TO CHOOSE ME! I CAN BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS! MAYBE HE WILL CHOOSE ME AND MAKE ALL THE PAIN GO AWAY” – ugh. So I literally have to distract myself until that desperate, hurt, rejected part of myself goes away so I don’t engage with him.
I absolutely love my job and do not want to leave. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am and I’m not giving that up because some jackass has his ego out of whack right now that I’m not playing into this shit anymore.
Limerence,
I would be very careful about going to HR about this because I am afraid that your role as the OW may be viewed very poorly too. You may lose a lot of respect from your colleagues and superiors and you may even find your own job at risk. Unfortunately there is still a double standard and women are judged much more harshly than men. This site is great bc it’s so supportive and nonjudgmental but unfortunately that’s not usually the case elsewhere. I would be inclined to ignore avoid ignore…
Limerence
I agree with mymble. HR aren’t really your friends. They are there to protect the company and largely do what the bosses want. That’s been my experience anyway.
Unless you are his superior, you won’t stand a chance.
Ignore, avoid, ignore is a good tactic in this instance. I’m very good at it myself.
*chinese death stare*
Thanks guys. I’ll just fortify my boundaries and keep things professional. He already once spread rumors about me to one department back at the end of summer (me coming on to him and him having to rebuff me because he’s the oh so dutiful husband) so I really don’t want it to escalate anymore. I just want it to be over with.
Limerance,
If he is sending these ‘please hug me/I think of you all day’ type emails to (and from) your work/company email address this would be considered misuse of the system (it’s also evidence of harassment). Save these emails from him and let him know that this what you’re doing – he’ll stop sending them.
It’ll also make him much less likely to accost you in the hallways. Alternatively or as well as, tell him the next ‘personal’ email you get from him will go straight to his wife. Fundamentally these men are cowards. I suspect he;s still bothering you because you;re not very sure that you want him to stop. if you did you may have done one of the above already. this guy will leave you alone if he thinks there will be consequences – for him! He is only doing this stuff cos he is arrogant enough to think he is untouchable and has all the power. Take it off him and watch him squirm and run away.
If you/he are using a private email – block him. But it also wouldn’t hurt to let him know you save all his emails.
And yes, avoid him. Like the plague. Have you told him to leave you alone? Tell him.
This guy sounds like a total parasite! How is he doing ‘better’? It’s like a thief that rob your house that sends you a thank you letter in the mail the next day.
it hadn’t occured to me that a re-emergence of thoughts could be a subconsious tossing-out thing. i’d wondered why i went from done to disturbed when he dropped in at work. interesting. ok, good enough! thanks
I was NC for over 2 months and on this site constantly and then he wormed his way back in – very respectfully at first… We had gone from a real relationship to an on/off undefined thing over a year ago so I wasn’t expecting to jump back into anything heavy and, frankly, knew from BR that I wasn’t ready or even interested. I know why I went NC but I enjoyed the attention and being taken out again. Unfortunately, true to form, I started feeling disrespected and anxious even in this capacity.
I’m in limbo in the way I think about him. He calls and texts almost every day and takes me out for a few nice meals out a week (we had sex again for a while, too, but I ended that) and then I come home and have the thoughts about all the reasons this is a bad idea like I did while I was NC. Ugh.
I know a big part of my problem isn’t really him. If we didn’t have history, I probably wouldn’t prioritize him and could enjoy this for what it is but it serves to remind me that I do need more of my own life and friends so I don’t keep thinking I need him to entertain me when I’m just his option. Food and wine are my personal and business life and we share that passion and still enjoy it so well together! I have been going to Meetups and trying to get out a lot more but I can’t afford to pay for as much as I would like to do. This leaves me alone thinking about what’s going on with him and seething about past hurts waaaay too much. And, spending too much time here which is keeping me stuck in it’s own way.
Anyway, I was ready to go NC for good recently which led to an actual conversation… He told me he likes me so much as a person and can’t imagine not being able to talk to me and dine together and, even though sex together is the best ever, he wants to have me in his life even if that’s not part of our relationship, yada, yada, yada. He is genuinely interested in my work, family, etc., calls often and treats me well when we’re together but I still feel like it’s all about him and I’m here at his convenience.. I’m also pissed at him that I can’t just have sex with him and feel good about it because I know it can make other feelings worse when he disappoints me. I’m on the fence about whether NC is the answer for me. I have anger and shame over past hurts that I’m still processing but I think crowding him out of my brain with new thoughts and activities rather than trying to just excise him may be the best solution as long as he’s providing some benefit and not being a complete AC. I have other issues unrelated to him I’m addressing, too, that will also make me stronger however I proceed after this dance of 6+ years.
FX
Much of what you said reminds me of my own thought process about the ex EUM. I finally understood that NC is the only way because: you deserve and are worth better than this /this relationship is not good for your mental and emotional well-being / it *is* all at his convenience/he has you down as an ‘optional’/ it doesn’t matter that he seems to be interested in your family – takes you for meals – texts you every day – he is not wanting to be in a fully committed relationship with you; that is plain as day. Yet he would still like you to deliver whatever benefits of you are willing to bring into his life. It’s not a good thing that he would still want to see you even without the sex – does he think this is a compliment to you? When you first met him were you hoping to be ‘friends’ with him? What you deserve and should be expecting is a *full relationship* – all of it! Why would you want to demote yourself to ‘friend’ cos he can’t step up and step in.
Finally, the thing that does it for me is Nat’s expression: he is either in or he is out. If this guy is not in then he has got to be out. No half way house, that is crazy making for you – he is in or he is out and he seems to be making himself quite clear on that: OUT. So let him have it his own way and send him packing so you can have a chance to find a man who actually wants to be *in*. This current guy is taking the piss (whether he realises it or not, that is what he is doing). You’ll see that eventually.
“This current guy is taking the piss (whether he realises it or not, that is what he is doing).”
Sometimes I don’t think they do realize it. Doesn’t excuse the behavior though…it’s just pure carelessness and thoughtlessness which pretty much equates to the same thing.
Sarah
I used to think they didn’t know.
Now I know they know.
Five years out of the AC/EUM jungle and after carefully observing people of all kinds, I’ve realised that not many people are that clueless.
Grace
I agree. I used to think my EUM was just a bit clueless. He wasn’t clueless at all. I was. He liked that. Every time I said something to him that really hit the nail on the head as far as his assholery was concerned, he was somewhat taken aback/speechless, as if he was nervous or uncomfortable that maybe I was finally “getting it” (I see now that is what that ‘look’ was all about). If he suspected I was “getting it” he generally effed off quick-smart until I prescribed myself a good dose of relationhit/assholery amnesia.
All this time I thought he was an EUM, which is NOT good, but now (after a lotta lotta thinking!) I am convinced he is an open and shut case of assholery. Question is, what does that make me – I was the woman who stuck around for all his pissing about for a whole decade, not quite ‘getting it’. I despair of myself sometimes. How could I have been so stupid
FX
I don’t doubt he likes you, why wouldn’t he? You need to like yourself some more, then you wouldn’t be twisting and turning trying to reconcile the irreconcilable.
You’re not the first woman to come up with theories/reasons on why it’s better to keep an EUM/AC in her life than not. I’ve seen paragraphs and paragraphs on it (some written by our dear fearless). I am unconvinced by all of it. I did it myself too but, in end, I still had to nuke him.
If you could honestly jump for joy if called you up and said he was getting engaged (and not to you) then knock yourself out. Otherwise, NC him. Your instincts were right the first time.
It’s not BR keeping you stuck, it’s your refusal to ditch someone who has messed you about for OVER SIX YEARS! How can that be okay.
Fearless, Grace Natasha and anyone else who wanted to slap me upside the head, Dear Lord, you are so right and I thank you . I think I posted this stream of consciousness in the hope I would get help getting straight with myself. I own my part in being an EUW in what transpired but now I would be a fool to continue after what I have learned here on BR. xoxo to you all! This is an amazing community and I am so grateful to you all and NML!!!!
Ahhhhh FX – I had an AC jerk me around for 5 years (I too would be at 6 if I hadn’t gone NC) and he tried to pull the whole, “I want to be a part of your life and attempt to have sex with you while you listen to my problems. I’ll hang out with you whenever I feel like it and ask you what’s going on in your life should it suit me. We’ll call it ‘friends’! Wheeee!” My feeling is that if they jerked you around as more than a friend, they’re not going to be any kind of good company as, errrrrr, a “friend”.
I’m sure he does like your company, but there’s still going to be some kind of mind f-ery going on with these guys and it’s just not worth it. There’s no such thing as a semi-AC or a situational-AC and I think the fact that he’s still trying to get you to sleep with him outside of a relationship is a red flag. He may be of benefit as good dinner company, but there are a lot of risks in these situations. I say NC him!
Yep, there are plenty of others who could be good dinner company for you, FX. But by spending so much time having dinner with this lame-duck one who won’t commit properly to you, you are making yourself unavailable to meet them! I know ‘cos I’ve been there, and wish now that I’d listened to my friends, family & colleagues who told me many times what I’ve just told you.
this one helped so much..
thank you N
It’s been a few posts since I’ve been around and well it’s for a few reasons. One is I feel like I only come here and complain without doing much of anything to make REAL changes. And I get triggered here too sometimes. The other is I met someone. Found out he was married and well……..he assured me if he was single he’d be with me.
Anyway, I’m disappointed because I’m not pining over anyone and here I meet someone, and WHAM! it’s another UA. I can’t help but feel sorry for myself and just plain depressed all over again. Evidently I have some severely deep rooted beliefs about myself that attracts these men and I end up reexperiencing being unwanted and invisible and abandoned again and again. It hurts SO bad! I’m finally in a spot where I’m not pining over the other exMM. Of course, some of the ex’s pop into my head from time to time. Most of it carries no emotional weight though. Maybe a twinge of pain here and there. But, really, why is this happening to me? Why? What am I doing?? I have realized my fear of abandonment is so bad that it’s largely why I keep people at a distance. And nobody can come and rescue me and fix that, I know. But how do I fix it? It seems to be a mixture of meeting men who are unavailable in some way and I am automatically set up to be abandoned and left by them. And, then I say and do and behave in ways that pushes them away without realizing it. Which feeds into my fear of being left or unwanted. Why am I not getting this? I want to get this so bad and it makes me so sad that I don’t.
coloro, if this guy is married, why are YOU feeling rejected? After all your hard work on BR, why not be proud of yourself for not getting swept up with him? You’re beating yourself up for getting your hopes raised and then finding out he was married – how did you let yourself become invested before you found out if he was single? If you’re pushing unavailable men away, then good for you, your instincts are doing some of the work for you. Keep asking yourself how you can bring good people in closer, work on your fears of abandonment in non-sexual relationships, and just keep going.
Magnolia,
All I mean is that the majority of my relationships with men have been UA in someway. It is not necessarily that I feel rejected by HIM than feeling like here I go again, another instance where I feel there is something wrong with me that I keep picking UA men. I AM working very hard, as best as I can. It is disheartening to come so far, meet someone then it’s another situation of unavailability. It would be the same if he were an alcoholic or abuser or workaholic, whatever. I think I expect to do all this work then sooner than later I have great results and meet an awesome AVAILABLE GUY. So far it is panning out differently. Does this make sense??? It’s a little hard for me to explain. This is hard work! I do keep going. I do keep working on picking out these “good people”. But I think I get hung up on how do I know if it is “good people”????? Since I know all that chaos and excitement and adrenaline is NOT healthy or good, I’m left with OK, how do I know what is good???? How does that feel? Crazy question to ask, but seriously, how does it feel to feel good and all the time, at that. Yuck. I wish it was as easy as taking off a dirty shirt and putting on a clean one or something.
coloro
It is hard work but don’t hobble yourself by picking MMs. If you have to – ask him.
The words are:
“Are you single?”
If the answer is at all ambivalent:
“Are you married?”
If you’re not getting straight answers, forget him.
I’m not being patronising. As an ex-fallback girl I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking such questions. Now I realise it’s OKAY and anyone who is offended is trying to hide something.
Hey Coloro,
Sorry to hear about your near miss with a MM. I know it must feel frustrating/disappointing to find someone who seems semi-interesting and then find out they are unavailable. I wanted to give you a high five for not getting involved with another MM. Good job. Do you think you may be making the fact that he is married all about you? As you know, there are a lot of EU/AC/MM’s out there and now you know you can trust yourself to walk. That’s excellent progress, don’t you think? You also say that you aren’t pining over the ex MM and aren’t in need of a lob, isn’t that great progress as well? It sounds to me like there are some really positive things happening in your life and you have done things to occupy your own life.
I do understand your question about knowing what is “good people” and what does good feel like. You do know an MM isn’t “good people”…that’s good! Natalie’s recent post on dating was extremely helpful to me.
I wonder if you could be doing what Natalie is talking about in this post and making life about finding a Mr. A (good people). It’s like the flip side of how, at one point, Natalie describes her life became about avoiding wheat? Does this make sense? So much of what you’ve said indicates that you are pushing forward in a positive direction. The guy is married, flush, and next. No mountains out of molehills.
My best to you.
Thanks you for another dose of excellent and timely advice. Of course it can also be applied to friend/family relationships too. For instance, since new year, every time thoughts of a particularly annoying/manipulative family member pop into my head (which happens alarmingly often), instead of spending hours mulling over what she said/did/didn’t say/what I coulda woulda shoulda said to her and working myself up into a ball of stress with steam coming out of my ears, I have been deliberately replacing those thoughts with positive thoughts about ME – plans, memories etc. I actually have a mental list of topics to refer to. It’s still something I have to do consciously, but I’m hoping it will eventually become second nature. And by not giving her any ‘power or airtime’ I already feel so much calmer and me-centred – after all, working myself up into a rage wasn’t affecting her or making her change her behaviour, it was only having a damaging effect on me and wasting MY time.
Thanks so much Natalie for all your words of wisdom, I’d have had no idea how to free myself from this nonsense if it wasn’t for you x
I personally think it is only natural to think about your last ex on occasion, after all at the time of the relationship, and expecially at the beginning of it, it was probably fantastic. You were in the honeymoon period, getting along great, doing things together you both enjoyed, going to places together etc etc, and then after the split you have sometimes gone to some of the places you went together and HE automatically pops into your head. You may hear a song you both liked, see a film you once saw together and so it is inevitable thoughts of the good times will occur. However, as time passes and you make no contact these times get less and less. For me my no contact is almost 2 years and yet there are still times i wonder what if…
The thing that has kept me from making contact once more is my ex was a Narcissist. I did not know it at the time, but after we ended the relationship it was suggested to me that he sounded like a Narcissist and so i searched the web and ‘bingo’ there he was, everything he did, said etc made me realise his personality was identical to those types of men, even the way he completely stood in front of me out of the blue one day and told me i was more or less surplus to his requirements which shocked me to my core. There had been no arguments, still having good times together and yet there he was ending everything we had. If i think of him at all these days, it’s because i am still bewildered how someone can do that to someone else overnight so callously as if you are a piece of trash!
Well, life goes on, i am happy once more, have dated quite a few really nice men but i cannot get close to a man anymore so i guess the hurt is still there. One thing my ex did for me is to show me the signs of a Narcissist and if i meet another one, i shall run the other way!
What a timely post. I read BG often and have only posted once… Well the short version of my story: I was widowed 20 months ago; and my married AC stepped into my life at my weakest, lowest point in my life: when I was trying to deal with a betrayal that I didn’t find out about until 2 months after my husband was killed. So I didn’t have my husband there to apologize for the betrayal and my trust in everything: life, love, commitment… was GONE, shattered. My married AC “rescued” me in the form of friendship and sex, and I was involved in an affair before I really knew what was happening. I should say that I was suicidal when this relationship started (I am bipolar).
Fast forward: my AC and I have been involved for 18 months. 18 months of contact every two hours, texts and calls and sporadic trips and visits, millions of promises of commitment to me and our relationship. “I will never abandon you” blah blah. It wasn’t enough for me and I made that clear. He actually had me convinced that HE could convince his wife to accept me and we could have a shared relationship! Like polygamy without the legal part… OMG. I was so naive. I have three kids and he has two…
New Year’s Eve (this year) he actually brought me to their house, and I spent it with them and their friends. It was awful, I felt like a slut and a third wheel too. She did not know the truth yet, but he told her that night after I left and she pressed him. The shit hit the fan, and I was told the next day it was over. Then we were just talking about what kind of contact, if any, we would be allowed to have.
My heart was BROKEN and I realize now, I never properly grieved my husband. Now I am trying to grieve my husband (whom I love and have forgiven) and this AC (whom I love but think he is a freakin jerk). And I have lost twice in less than two years: my lover, partner, mentor (I’m a new pilot, both men were aviators) and both were my best friends. Bipolar and dealing with this (I cannot take medication) is no picnic. And yes I have the obsessive thoughts and no idea how to deal with them. We did no contact for a bit (15 days) but eventually he broke through that and is trying to engage me in some kind of relationship, though I don’t know what his intentions are… friends? Mistress again? I don’t know and I just want to be able to let him go cuz I know he is BAD NEWS…
First of all widow hugs..xoxoxo,
Secondly. Cut this AC off. NC his ass. He is a vile, exploitative, disgusting little turdbag…he is disrespecting you, his wife and himself. These men never cease to astound me.
Thirdly. You have to get control over your illness… for yourself and your children. If you are experiencing episodes or periods of suicidal ideation: this is a problem. You say the medication route is a no-go? Have you tried counselling? Perhaps a bereavement counselor? I have been through some similar experiences..and while I cannot possibly understand what you have gone through/are going through I can certainly empathize. Once you start to feel better you will find that you will start to feel differently about the AC. Don’t be harsh on yourself, treat yourself with TLC.
He is BAD NEWS even you know this on a conscious level..and I’m sure your gut has been doing ninety on you. Step away and begin the healing process. A better life is out there waiting. You deserve it!
Widow,
I literally just started reading the book “Women Who Love Too Much” this morning and what you’re saying sounds like you might want to look into it. Of course, Natalie’s book would be an amazing read as well.
This sounds like an extremely unhealthy situation for you. ((hugs to you)) I have a resume replete with unhealthy relationships with men and me being so confused and unaware of what was going on. Often feeling discomfort at something they were doing or saying but only blaming myself that I was doing XYZ to cause them to do that. And when I would speak about what I was feeling, inevitably it would push them away. I do know that I am apart of causing a situation, that I do invite certain behavior because I have no boundaries. I often wonder if I am bipolar too. The suicide ideation, yes, been there, done that. I’ve been tested but it was “negative” so to speak. I don’t have those binges where I go out and blow all this money. I have let myself get into some questionable situations all for the sake of FINALLY winning a man over…….finally…….apparently trying to win the love I never had from my father. So I end up with men just like him. You’re not alone. I don’t know if anything I’m saying is making sense or you can relate but I do know we’ve all tended to try and morph ourselves into whatever to get a man. Anyway, that’s my two cents.
Widow,
I, too, would like to send you some hugs. You’ve been through and are going through a lot. I am sorry about your husband. It’s good that you are realizing that it’s time to grieve the loss.
I’m hoping that since you realize the MM is bad news, you can maintain NC? I’d like to give you a bit of encouragement in that regard because I have had the unfortunate and humiliating experience of being an OW. Although I’m not totally out of the woods (and I do not have the grief work to do regarding the passing of a husband), the obsessive thoughts about the ex MM do subside as Natalie describes in this post. It has taken some time and some grieving over the loss of my fantasy but there is a tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel most days now. In the beginning, every time I broke NC by responding to him or initiating contact, he only had one thing to offer, being a mistress again. Don’t settle for being a mistress or a “friend” whatever that could mean. Your description of being at his house with his wife on New Year’s was heartbreaking. Take care of yourself. Your kids need you. A MM doesn’t. Thinking of you.
Remember that as you make your way thru the pain and emotions, the only redeeming aspect is TIME! As days pass, activity diminishes in brain regions that register attachment. After a period of time the brain will physically FORGET. That’s why NC works so well and ultimately succeeds. I’m living proof. Power to us!
Thanks N
Thanks N
Hey guys,
Stephanie, yoghurt and tired_of_assanova,
Your comments resonated with me so completely. It’s been months now since I began NC and still having problems with the whole ‘thinking about them issue’. Luckily, I am noticing improvement but it is SLOW..sometimes I make progress and of course I get a dream…it’s like my self conscious comes tapping on my shoulder with ‘Nah-uh, no-no, you are not forgetting about this AC yet my dear’.. :/
I think the recovery process is so much slower with guys who have mistreated you, Future Faked you, abused you etc… It’s like you have a whole pile of broken pieces on the ground and you have to separate them into two piles: a pile for your self esteem which you have to find a way somehow to glue back together and another pile for the illusion you held of them, that you must leave there. It can be long, arduous process.
Where I often get stuck is the fact that I knew I was making the mistakes I made, as I was making them. I just deluded myself and refused to listen to my common sense and gut (i.e. a man sure as hell does not love you after one week especially if he is looking for you to give up the sex).
Things that I feel are helping me. Keeping busy with activities is one especially activities in relation to self improvement. Avoiding triggers is another. Full NC. My friends and family. Baggage Reclaim.
x
Katherine K,
I can relate to “Where I often get stuck is the fact that I knew I was making the mistakes I made, as I was making them. I just deluded myself and refused to listen to my common sense and gut”
I am feeling stuck there as well – in those feelings of shame and embarassment for making those mistakes and literally pushing down any voice of reason yelling at me internally “What are you doing! There is a patten here – don’t you see it?!”.
We can either dwell in this perceived shame for days and months and years beating ourselves up or we can take it as a lesson for life. Sometimes, I struggle as to why I put up with such relationship insanity in my life, and I think “Why did this have to happen to me?” But on the flipside, I feel grateful for learning these lessons, and for finding baggage reclaim to teach me these lessons. I now have this inner strength (well, I am building it up 🙂 ) that came from these painful lessons and I know that for the rest of my life I will be a strong woman who does not put up with bullshit. I know now to always follow my gut and never be afraid to stand up for myself. I know now that I will make my choices so that I can be proud of myself and never hold my head down again.
We are put in these situations, so that we can learn. I can’t wait to be that strong woman and friend and daughter and eventually mother that people look to for advice and reasoning. I am on my way to be that person, and I am actually excited (and a little terrified) for the journey.
“I think the recovery process is so much slower with guys who have mistreated you, Future Faked you, abused you etc… It’s like you have a whole pile of broken pieces on the ground and you have to separate them into two piles: a pile for your self esteem which you have to find a way somehow to glue back together and another pile for the illusion you held of them, that you must leave there. It can be long, arduous process. ”
This is a brilliant way of thinking about it.
I think that being treated with a lack of respect or honesty for any length of time is gangrene of the soul, and situations that damage your self-esteem and darken your view of the world are septic wounds. An ordinary wound – say a break-up that is difficult but in which both people behave with integrity and respect – heals up relatively quickly, leaves a bit of a scar but ultimately makes you stronger.
A situation that makes you question yourself and leaves you feeling bad about yourself doesn’t do that – it won’t heal up, it gets bigger and bigger and it’s always vulnerable to further infection.
That why, I think, there are so many people on here who have come through the end of a long-term committed relationship relatively unscathed but then fall apart over someone who they might’ve known for a matter of weeks or months. It isn’t so much the heartbreak as much as the huge unanswerable questions that they cause about yourself, your value and your place in the world.
It’s a bit of a disgusting simile (sorry :/ ) – but on the upside hurray for baggage reclaim! which I reckon is the emotional equivalent of antibiotics 🙂
yoghurt,
Just wanted to say that you are *on fire* with your great comments on this post! Go, girl! 🙂
Thanks 🙂 This just made my day.
I woke up this morning to numerous missed calls and long looong drunken text messages from son’s dad about how lovely I am, how sorry he is that he hurt me, how I’m his best friend, how I helped him like no-one else could, how guilty he feels and how sad he is (oh praise the Lord for the silent setting on the mobile!) and then had to field a call at lunch apologising for his apology (sigh) so I am currently all over the place again – feeling like a BR superwoman helps some!
@yoghurt
“It isn’t so much the heartbreak as much as the huge unanswerable questions that they cause about yourself, your value and your place in the world.” So true.
He’s been gone for three months now (NC) and I’m stuck on grieving. He definitely falls under the category of “Brief & Intense” that leave you shell-shocked for no explicable reason. I mean, we were only together a handful of times.
It’s always been a slow process for me to heal when someone affects me deeply. I’m heartbroken that he’s unavailable and selfish to the extreme but that he could dismiss me and leave with so little regret makes me still cry. The “unanswerable questions” burn long after the relationship ends.
I really needed this reminder to continue to “push forward.”
@ yoghurt aka Baggage Reclaim Super Woman ;),
Stay on your path,
There is better out there for you. Drunken messages…erm, no thanks.
🙂
@ Katherine K
I loved your analogy of the broken pieces…just beautiful. I keep picking up five, three fall down, pick up two, one drops to the floor, etc.
I thought keeping busy with activities would help, too.
Most of my social time is spent in karaoke bars (singing is my passion) but I’m actually beginning to think that’s slowing my recovery process because of the male twits I’ve been meeting. Morons and EU’s galore (the last telling me to hide my intelligence to attract a man) are triggering my dropping yet more pieces of my self-esteem on the (bar) floor.
I love men but I meet real losers on an alarmingly regular basis. It’s hard to move on when the moving on is clearly moving down. Is it time to try country line or salsa dancing?
(((((((((((((hugs for widow))))))))
I am widowed also and it was a terrible time initially but we had lots of chats before he succumbed to his illness which i nursed him through, and maybe that helped my grieving process because he did not die suddenly and i used to take myself off to another room to have a little weep when i considered life without him so that he did not see my grief. Obviously i was devastated when he did die because in some ways there was never a date of when he was to die put on it, it was all in the lap of the gods.
You will come out of your grief on the other side eventually and you have made a great start by forgiving your betrayal which will help. However, you will never find happiness, or go forward in your life while you take up with married men. There are plenty of men out there, good men, men who will not cheat on their wives and who will be able to give you all the love and attention you need without having to have you skulking around on their behalf. Break away from this married man you are in a relationship with, at the end of the day he belongs to someone else and your pain will be multiplied if you stay in his company. Look to the future, you will find that special someone again, if you do not find him, he will find you. Good luck.
How do I forget about my married co-worker?! It is agonizing. Thankfully, there has not been any romantic involvement whatsoever. I have learned enough from this site not to become involved!! (thank you, thank you, thank you!!!) We have the flirting, good friendship, with loads of sexual tension. I am really grieving him. What do I do????
Hi Gloria, you’re grieving an unfulfilled fantasy, not the person. Be very grateful that you did not get involved. He is married and you must respect that. Hold you head high and be proud that you took the high road! In real life if I were you I would avoid him as much as possible. Talk only professionally, no flirting whatsoever. He’ll eventually get the message. Big hugs to you.
DO NOT GO DOWN THAT PATH! This summer, I was presented with the same situation. Married coworker TONS OF sexual tension. He came on STRONG. I was at a very vulnerable point in my life, having to take care of my mother at this point, and I let myself be flirted with. We talked for HOURS and I felt great. Nothing sexual happened but I just adored talking to him. Then it all became too much and I realized my emotions were getting too deep. I pushed him a little and he “punished” me by cutting contact for three months. During this time I grieved even more than I did when my dad died. I could barely function and I messaged him all the time about the ways I missed him, how great he was, how I’d love to have him in my life in any capacity. It KILLED me to see him at work and he had taken up to flirting and pursuing another coworker of ours (I don’t think that panned out, she must have much better boundaries and self-esteem then I do).
Fast forward to October when he contacts me again and I’ve been living in my own person HELL ever since. We went from not having sexual contact to lots of it, but he was a HUGE jerk this time, not even pretending to care/be emotionally involved, etc. and I lapped it up because I didn’t want to go back to that place of hurting.
Anyway, I’ve been struggling to end this since the beginning of this year. Being the other woman is a soul-destroying move. YOU WILL NOT FEEL GOOD! You will be miserable. You will make work miserable. Step back NOW. I know I probably wouldn’t have listened to this advice those months ago but I would literally do ANYTHING right now to return to the previous summer and tell this jackass to take a hike. These guys are NOT worth the heartache and that’s all you will end up with.
My advice: CUT ALL CONTACT RIGHT NOW. Turn back now.
Limerence and Gloria,
Limerence, you sound so much like me when I finally got out and realized being an OW was the most demeaning, demoralizing, and dehumanizing experience of my life. Gloria, you are so fortunate to have found BR. I hope you will listen and act on the wise words posted on this website before you get to far in. Limerence is right. You have to cut him off immediately. Professional contact only. No flirting. No sexual tension. No friendship. It’ll hurt in the beginning and you may do the constant thinking about him for a while but trust us former OW’s, if you get involved with a MM it’ll only get worse. I spent 2 years in OW hell and the last year trying to dig myself out of the toilet totally consumed with the fantasy and thoughts of what could have been, if only. We were soul mates after all. He was only staying until the last kid left home, NOT. The kid has been gone since August and his wife discovered our affair. Christ, no guy is worth that. Topline: He’s Married. He’s not available. Awful as it may sound, he’s not your friend. Even more awful, you can’t have a relationship with a married man cos he’s in a legally binding relationship with another woman. It’s taken a year to get the lying cheating rat bastard out of my head. At first I didn’t think not thinking about him would be possible. It is possible. Every time I read about another lying, cheating, MM out there on the prowl, I just want to scream. Run Gloria. As Natalie told me repeatedly, “You’re in Danger Girl”. Next time you see him, think of him as poison with a big circle and an X.
OK ladies – I need your advice (or a lobotomy)!
I’ve been “obsessing” over a guy I’ve ONLY been on three dates with. I met him at a wedding about a month ago, and the chemistry I experienced was something I’ve not felt for over ten years.
When we were together, I felt that we really hit it off and got on great. The dates would last until the early hours of the morning, we talked for hours, and one night he even cooked me dinner, and he even suggested we have a a picnic in the park over wine.
However, between these dates I received little contact from him, and I did most of the chasing. On our final date last week, we were watching a DVD; he put his arm around me, and when I went to kiss him, he pulled away and said he was still getting over his ex-fiance (they had broken up for the second time only a couple of months ago) and couldn’t do this. I suggested we still be friends, and we talked for a couple of hours afterwards.
Since then, I haven’t really heard from him, other than a short reply to my message that I sent him over Facebook, asking him how he was going. I can’t stop thinking about him!!! I thought we had amazing chemistry and got on so well.
Why isn’t he interested in me?! Was it a matter of poor timing or did he just not feel anything for me? I understand that he may be getting over his ex-fiance, but it doesn’t even seem like he wants to stay in contact as friends.
We haven’t been intimate, I’ve only known him for a month, but I’m struggling to get him out of my mind. Why has he affected me in this way? Is it because of the chemistry I experienced with him or is it simply a case of wanting what I can’t have? It seems crazy for him to have affected me so much. I’m torn between wanting to keep pursuing him, and at least stay in contact as friends (or until he changes his mind) or just letting him go and moving on.
Has anyone else had any similar experiences? Any helpful suggestions?
Hey LA,
My ex-fiance and I broke up for the second time almost 2 months ago (you don’t live in KY do you…just kidding!) I’m not much for giving advice, but I think I may be able to shed some light from his perspective.
There is a guy who has been pursuing me all month. I have amazing conversations with him, have so much fun with him, etc. About a week ago, we met up for lunch, had a great time, and the rest of the day I spent crying over my ex. I AM NOT READY TO DATE. The guy you have been seeing is not ready to date either. Leave him alone. Seriously.
Do not take his ‘rejection’ of you personally. The guy who has been asking me out seems like a great guy. I’m just not ready. I’m not emotionally available, and neither is this guy you’ve been seeing. You’ve probably read enough on this site to realize that is a HUGE red flag.
Do you really want to be someone’s rebound? Don’t degrade yourself in being used in that way, or being regulated to being his ‘friend’. You know you want more than that, and probably knows that too. As hard as it is to put the brakes on seeing this new guy, I know I’m not ready. He seems like a great guy, and I know he deserves better. So do you. Wait for someone who is emotionally available. In the long run, you’ll be glad you did.
Wow, Laurie. Thanks so much for your post. It’s great to get a perspective from the “other side”, so to speak. He he… and no I don’t think I was dating your ex-fiance, as I live in Australia!
I’ curious. As you are not ready to date at the moment, but you think that this guy is great, are you going to:
a) keep in contact with him as friends, and when you feel ready, see if you both can start from where you left off? ;
b) not keep in contact with him but reconnect with him once you do feel emotionally available?;
c) forget about him and chalk the experience up to bad timing?
d) other?
Thanks Laurie. While I know everyone’s coping styles are different, it does help me understand it from the other person’s perspective.
LA,
I met this guy while I was with my ex. We were casual friends, but a couple months after me and my fiance broke up, he began to ask me out one-on-one pretty frequently, paying for me, etc. He has always initiated all of our *dates*. Now, it’s possible that he just really enjoys spending frequent time with me all of the sudden, and it’s possible that he’s just a gentleman and pays for all of his lady friends. Regardless of HIS intentions, I have started to develop romantic feelings for him, and I am simply not ready for that type of relationship. As grace said, you can’t simply be friends with someone you want to kiss.
I suppose the difference in our situations is that I was friends with this guy while I was in a previous relationship. I’m not going to tell him, “hey, I would really like to make out with you now, so we can’t be friends anymore.” I do plan on telling him the next time he asks me out that I have started to develop feelings for him, and that I feel like we need to dial down the frequency of time we spend together one-on-one because I’m still getting over my ex. There’s probably a “smoother” way to do that, but I believe he deserves to know the truth, and I want to be upfront with him.
When it comes to this guy that you have been seeing, personally I would try to move on and make myself available for other opportunities. If in a few months, he initiates contact, then MAYBE you should proceed. I certainly wouldn’t wait around for him.
I know you think he’s a great guy, but seriously, how much do you know about him after only a month (and three dates). It’s possible that he IS a good guy, but honestly, the fact that he put his arm around you when he wasn’t ready to get physical, and the fact that he was talking about picnics in the park after only being broken up from his ex fiance for a few weeks…that’s a bit sketchy to me. I would be very careful that you aren’t being future faked, or future faking yourself.
Fact is, you can’t possibly know this guy THAT well to be feeling so connected to him. I know that happens in romcoms, but that’s honestly not real life. By the same token, he can’t possibly know you that well, so you shouldn’t take his ‘rejection’ or whatever you want to call it personally.
Enjoy that Australian sun for me! Lucky you 🙂
LA
Ditch him. He’s not over the ex. That has nothing to do with you unless you’re on a Crusade to Prove I am Fantastic by Getting Men to Forget their Exes.
I’ve been on that crusade myself, it’s crap.
Find someone who’s free. Not someone who will drop you like a hot potato when his ex rolls up wanting an ego stroke. Yeah, women do it too.
Forget friends. Be honest with yourself – you can’t be friends with someone you want to kiss.
It’s only been three dates, count your lucky stars.
Thanks grace. The “Crusade to Prove I am Fantastic by Getting Men to Forget their Exes” line is brilliant! Made me smile.
While he said he was still trying to get over his ex, I feel like if I go NC on him now, a few months later I’ll hear on the grapevine that he is dating again, and I will have missed out on a potentially wonderful relationship.
However, my sister advised that if he was really that interested in me, he would get in contact with me when he is ready to date, otherwise, it was not meant to be. It’s hard though. Half of me thinks he is generally not over his ex and not ready, the other half of me feels that maybe he’s just not that interested in me.
Yes, I met someone who was very interested and outgoing. Then on the second date they told me they just wanted to be friends. Foolishly I agreed, and we stayed in sporadic contact, and went out twice more, in terribly uncomfortable situations. Finally she admitted she didn’t want to see me at all. Don’t wait for that to happen. Take charge, go NC and tough it out.
I ignored red flags going in. She was a month out of a 3 year relationship. And at 46 she was trying to have a baby. No way should I have gotten my hopes up about someone with so much going on in their life. But I did.
If someone goes from attentive to avoiding they are giving you the answer. Be responsible for yourself; don’t make them do it, because it will only hurt more. Cut it off.
Thanks j d. Yes, a lot is going on in his life. He’s just moved to Australia (so maybe he is running away from the break up), and looking for work, a new life.
Unlike many of the guys out there, he is a really nice guy, a gentleman. I’ve told him I’d like to stay friends with him, since he is in a new country and we get along so well, but he does seem to be doing the avoidance thing. So it looks like I should take his avoidance as his answer and move on.
Ha! I was in the exact same situation this summer L.A., except after the third date we had sex… ohhhh what a bad idea. It would have been MUCH better if I hadn’t gone there… the funny thing was, at the time, I totally knew it too… I just didn’t want to listen to myself.
Oh well, the “relationship” was extremely short lived, but as was mentioned here it took a long time to get over, like until about December I was still hung up…
And it’s so weird, because I can relate to so much going on here… I think the gangrenous metaphor is really brilliant. A healthy relationship that comes to a natural conclusion, no matter how long it lasts, hurts WAY less than a shady situation that lasts a hot minute but leaves you feeling confused and disrespected.
I filled up my life and refused to let this boy detract me from my path, but boy was it hard! He kept popping into my head… and it was so frustrating. I hate letting people take up space in my head, rent-free, when they don’t deserve it.
Ah well, thank god for NC and Baggage Reclaim!
Hi Jen,
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through these experiences. I’m grateful that I didn’t sleep with him – although I’m sure I would have had the opportunity presented itself. He was a nice guy though – told me he could have took it further, but didn’t want to drag me along.
It does burn. I guess he’s the first guy in a long time that I’ve generally felt both mentally and physically attracted to. But I’ve got to realise that he is not the centre of the universe, nor that last great guy out there.
Filling up my life with other activities and people is a good strategy. However, it’s a little hard for me at the moment because I’m trying to finish my PhD, which is a very isolating activity, and I don’t have a lot of time or money to pursue other activities.
So failing that, Baggage Reclaim, NC and time will just have to do it’s thing!
LA,
I have a friend who was in a similar situation and decided to wait around for the guy. She felt a connection with this guy, they spent time together over a couple of months, then started sleeping together. She was uneasy about things as they were not really in a relationship. When she talked to him about it, the guy said that he was not ready for a relationship–partly not over his ex, partly “figuring out his life” I believe. She then stuck around as a “friend” (no sex) for another TWO YEARS. The entire time they had talks about whether they should hang on to the ‘promise’ of something developing between them–basically there was a lot of ambiguity but it meant her putting her life on hold for a long time waiting for him to come around, but he never did. Oh, and she discovered along the way that he seemed to have an ambiguous situation with another woman as well. I think if she had walked away after their first conversation where he said he did not want a relationship she would have saved herself a lot of heartache and moved on sooner.
I no longer see the obsessive thoughts, anxiety and depression over the ex as a sign that I loved him so much (sure I did love him but love has nothing to do with that bad stuff). The bottom line – I was mentally ill.
If it really is unbearable (I cried in my sleep – the sound woke me up), it may be time to seek professional help. I did everything I was supposed to do – I was at the gym three times a week, I ate well, I went out, I made new friends, I got a new job, got counselling but was POSSESSED by the thoughts. Eventually, I took ADs for a short time, less than six months. They didn’t make me any happier but they stopped the runaway thoughts.
What really helped was buying a flat. Even I couldn’t multithink to that extent.
Time is a wonderful healer. For me it took 3-5 years. I discovered BR around year 4 and that really saw me over the finishing line. What Nat says is spot on. NC him. You can’t help but get better. Life goes on. You can’t freeze it.
He’s barely a footnote in the story of my life now. I thought I was going to die but here I am, and happier than I ever was.
For those of you who are still in the middle of it, be brave. You can do it.
I had to choose not wanting to hurt anymore over being willing to be emotionally hurt in the name of “love” (habitual dysfunction).
I stopped thinking about him as much when (hard as it was) I began to see clearly and make healthier choices slowly bit by bit. As my fantasy of him eroded, as my own self-esteem became a bit more solid because I was making healthier choices, the thinking and daydreaming and ‘what-if’ obsession ceased to be so tenacious, and finally ceased almost altogether.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Natalie. I dream about my ex almost every night (haven’t figured out how to control that, yet!) and when I wake up in the morning, I feel like absolute crap. I just finished a mini crying session, got on my computer, and saw an update for this article on fb. What a God-send!
I’ve purposely filled my life with new activities: getting a second master’s degree, volunteering for a couple of non-profits, and meeting up with new people. I know things would be a lot worse if I wasn’t proactively filling my mind and time with other things.
Grieving sucks. I’m allowing myself to feel the pain while reminding myself that this is a purging process–not a sign that I should try to get back with my ex or that I lost my only chance at happiness. It helps to remind myself that this is productive pain, rather than the destructive pain I felt while I was in the relationship.
I think the biggest comfort is knowing that I’m not alone in this, and that healing is possible. I am so grateful for the insight I’ve found on this blog. Thank you all!!!
I got rid of my assclown MM 2 years ago but fuzzy thoughts come and go at times. He was one of my best friends and I don’t make friends easily so I miss the contact in that sense. Last night I was riding the train after being caught in a rainstorm, cold and miserable, and was wishing he was around. I started probing my brain about why I was thinking this. I wasn’t really missing him I was missing the adoration and adulation (don’t worry there was also buckets of hurt to go with it, that I absolutely don’t miss) I was missing feeling desired. Not missing him the person. After that realization I was able to dismiss the thoughts and instead think about my self-improvement initiatives to make myself more ‘desirable’ in my own eyes. Ultimately, that’s who really counts 🙂
my advice to anyone who is experiencing anxiety surrounding by “overthinking” wondering should they perhaps break NC:
the feeling will pass. it will (always does for me). tell yourself that and you will be glad later when you are calmer that you didn’t break NC and feel proud of yourself. “overthinking” doesn’t mean that you actually still love them. it means that you need to reengage your mind in something more productive. so if you feel you are “overthinking” perhaps participate in an activity that requires your complete attention and concentration. i know it sounds silly but math helps for me or games. haha. 🙂
Thanks ixnay. I actually do see a therapist and I’ve told her about the MM. Most of what we’ve been working on lately, though, is helping me get through the divorce process. My husband is an aggressive jerk. I agree that the “dalliance” was likely due to misplaced feelings about my husband and the end of my marriage. I’m just angry that this MM took advantage of me when I was vulnerable (and not happy with myself that I got taken in by him) and he acts like nothing ever happened. But, your suggestion is a good one in that I should revisit this issue with the therapist (while I continue to plow through this divorce process, too).
Thanks to Seriously, Colorange and Yoghurt for the hugs and thoughts…
I’m really struggling right now. Many time along the way I told myself I would end it with MM soon and I wish to god I had. Instead HE ended it and I ended up feeling rejected– like ultimately I was his sex-toy, play-toy, for as long as he could get away with it. What infuriates me is that he and I were friends first and he knew very well how my trust was totally shattered, and how badly I was hurting, missing, grieving my husband. Whom I still dream about BTW, he was (even with the betrayal) the love of my life.
The first day we (MM and I) were together he literally picked me up and carried me into a hotel room, undressed me etc while I lay there passively. I couldn’t care less what he did to me at that time and all I could think of was either he was an insane serial killer or just a jerk that wanted to get into a widow’s pants and either way I didn’t give a sh*t. I didn’t care if I lived or died or if he killed me after. And later, when my emotions finally woke up and I realized I was very dependent on him, my MM swore he was the only one that could be trusted with my heart. And like a stupid fool I believed him.
There is no question I am bipolar, and I do see a therapist. Since this is anomymous I can say that I cannot legally fly if I am treated on meds for this condition. So I chose to continue flying because my husband was my flight instructor, and that’s one of the most important gifts he gave me. It is also one of the only things that can make me happy. So its a tradeoff, and I have to manage my mood swings myself. Usually this works out ok… except when I have major life traumas like the death of my husband and now the loss of another relationship.
And Mr. AC MM knows all about how when I swing down, I can get to rock-bottom in no time. Yes suicidal ideation, its all there and happens frequently. It scares the crap out of me because I am also a single mother of three and they depend on me for everything (their father takes no responsibility for them financially or otherwise).
Anyway, the relationship with MM is over, I am sure of that. What I am not so sure of is how I am going to manage to deal with this loss. Cuz when I was grieving my husband, the AC was there for me but now I am grieving them both and I cannot go to the AC for support cuz he is the…
widow,
The name for those who take on those who are hurting to get their desires met are cripple fuckers…crude but accurate term…they wait til you are incapacitated and strike…I don’t think that man was EVER your friend. Some people just wait around for their opportunities and that man sure took advantage…what a sad piece of humanity he appears to be. He’s a cheater and a predator (not like the natural cougars, lions, etc who have to kill to live) who gets his needs met at the expense of those who are hurting. There are people of both sexes who do the same btw. I’ve seen it in action but the victims never know what’s going on due to their impaired states; they just feel good because they feel relieved that someone has come along to rescue them (at least that’s my take on it) but the shit always hits the fan eventually. You received quite a whammy from death( and evidence left by hubby of betrayal ;how hard that must have been!) and hit by a so-called friend…so sorry.
For you now: taking on another lover to get you through this additional pain would be unfair to you and them…I suggest therapy and other self-work for the grieving through it before you go on to another lover if you want to have a good relationship that meets both of your needs. Please don’t use another human as your hanky…you both deserve more.
You are in a transitional phase (from what you wrote) and going on to another person would not be fruitful at this time. Take the time to grieve so one day you will be able to step up to a relationship in whole-hearted fashion.
Good Luck!
widow,
I can relate to the rock bottom thing. That is why I kind of laugh to myself when I hear people say “you have to hit rock bottom first before you can make changes.” Whatever. I’ve been at the bottom countless times and I can still get up and take it some more. I know it is hard. Without a doubt! That is cool you fly. I love to fly. I am glad to hear you are seeking therapy.
Widow,
Don’t beat yourself up about not having been the one who ended it. In my case I did but it gives me no satisfaction at all and I do feel rejected, rejection was implicit in the situation, and he passively “rejected” me by not caring about me. Hed probably have been happy to continue cakeeating for a while. I daresay yours would too had he not been busted. How it ended makes no difference to the eventual outcome, there are people who end up years and years in these situations, for it all to end up the same, that would be even worse. Best wishes
At least if they end it you can satisfy yourself that you did everything you could to make it work and walk away with no nagging doubts and regrets and your head held high and move forward. Of course it is great if you can vote with your feet earlier. But if it didn’t happen like that it doesn’t matter. That it is over is the most important thing
I am awaiting my final divorce degree from a man that was my best friends but very emotionally unavailable despite his attempts at loving me. Its been 2 years and i am raising our little girl and its a constant reminder of him. I dont know how to escape his presence when she embodies the best of him and I ya know… He calls, he offers friendship, when i am ill he sends good wishes etc. i remind myself of all his faults, his spells of coldness, his emotional shut down when life and situations got difficult but I find my self reliving the good times but ultimately knowing that are split was for the best. healing is long and ardous. I dont know how long it will take to heal and throw away those rose colored lenses.
I share an home with a friend. She has been through hell with EU men for the past decade. In my marriage i remember counselling and helping her move past yet another EU man…
Now i’ve fallen on hard times she has found a wonderful man that treats her fairly, lovingly and is just the greatest guy. I am so happy for her. But when i see them together and their cozy romantic nights in, muffled laughter and the joy of true intimatacy…i cant help but be transported back to similiar happy times with my ex-husband.
Her new romance makes my struggle to move on and forget so much harder. I am sharing a home with a loved up (previously serial singlton) lady who should embody everything i long for in the future, but sadly, i am filled with pain and longing and look to the past when i had the same.. ugh yes it is difficult to forget. those thoughts are always there. The same thoughts that pull at heart strings, weaken my resolve to move forward and pull me back.
I am aware of the sheer amount of headspace my ex still possesses and i am trying each day to reclaim whats mine, peace of mind, hope for the future. This article has helped tremendously so thankyou!
I’m so glad I’ve found this website. My friends keep telling me that I need to move on, get over him, stop thinking about him and what he’s doing with the girl he left me for. I can’t, I just can’t. And I can tell I’m annoying my friends, they don’t want to hear me talk about him or how angry or sad I am about him and the situation anymore.
But it helps to come here and read through the comments, to see that others are also struggling with daily triggers, not being able to listen to certain songs, wondering why why why?! all day long. EUM and ACs can scar you, and its taking a long long time to rebuild my self esteem, confidence and motivation that he destroyed. Thank you, Nat, for this post. You’ve reminded me that it’s OK to take the time to grieve and rebuild.
I agree. Having permission to grieve and take the time it takes is really helpful. I also have a small group of supportive friends and I rotate them so they don’t all have to listen to it all of the time!!
Heartache Amy. Don’t beat yourself up. You were in a very vulnerable state. These men can smell it a mile away and exploit the situation. You were going through a divorce which is heart-rending in itself and then along comes this snake. My ex was an MM also. I swear getting involved in that situation has got to be the worst of all. You’re batting O before you even get started and they hold all the cards. I was grieving my deceased husband who was a wonderful, loving man who died in my arms. That was in 2006. I became involved with MM just about one year ago – the end of Feb.2011. But I’d never gotten over the trauma and feeling of being lost without my husband. As I look back I was unconsciously looking for the love and care that I’d gotten from my husband. I was so needy that I refused to acknowledge the fact that he was married. I also think I believed subconsciously that nobody could replace him, anyway so it didn’t matter if this MM was unavailable, because so was I and thought I could handle it. Ha! Yes, he took advantage of me, but I was at fault also because I allowed it and abandoned the principles instilled in me from childhood. Desire and desperation will lead one to behave totally out of character. I believe, in my case, I needed the lesson. My husband had been so overprotective of me, shielding me from any problems, decision making, etc. He didn’t even want me to drive myself anywhere. He had to take me and pick me up. So when he passed I was like a child that had to grow up all over again, including making the decisions of a mature, emotionally stable woman. Now, I realize that in your case, you have two ac’s (?) to get over. But, I think you are on the right track by working with the therapist regarding your marriage and the subsequent demise. The second relationship came about because you were in a period of mourning. Presumably, you will not get involved again with someone married. So, try to pull yourself together. We all make mistakes. We are human. You can’t erase the past, but YOU have the power to create a new future. Be thankful that you have experienced the cost of your mistakes and (hopefully) you’re a whole lot wiser. Good luck
Tinkerbell,
Thank you, and thank you for sharing your story. I know our situations are quite different, yet, somewhat the same. I HAVE been beating myself up about the MM, and I really thought, at the time, that I was over my husband. I guess the process of actually going through the divorce, which has been stressful, to say the least, has made it even harder to deal with the loss of my marriage, plus the “loss” of the MM (whom I never had in the first place). I’m trying to process everything and grieve through it. It’s hard not to feel rejected by both of these AC’s, though, but I guess with time, those feelings will pass. I can’t imagine ever getting involved again with a MM — it’s just not worth it, and as countless others have said, most of the time, the MM never leaves his wife. And in my case, while I miss talking and laughing with him, I can’t fathom what kind of a life we would have had, anyway, as he has two children and his wife stays at home. So, in many ways , he’s done me a favor. I cling to the belief that this wasn’t meant to be, that what goes around comes around (admittedly, I hope he gets what he deserves), and that something and someone better is out there for me. So, once again, thank you and thank you to everyone who has given me support. This site has helped me so much.
“If you have a suddenly flurry of thoughts after feeling that you’re doing better, don’t panic – on a subconscious level, you’re actually moving towards acceptance.” This just happened. I had just stopped the daily, hourly, minutely ruminations and stopped kicking myself for thinking about him and then kicking myself for kicking myself for thinking about him (never ending cycle) and smack, there he is again, occupying my head. I’ve also experienced some other losses/life changes which probably contributed to the reoccurring thoughts. “Maybe you’re enjoying yourself or have realised that a week or so has gone by without really thinking of them – it’s panic about rolling with it and letting go, so as if to make up for it, you go on thinking overload.” Yup, precisely! Thanks so much for such a timely description of what’s happening with me. I read your post on dating and was thinking that I was just about there and maybe ready to give it a try…well just get out of the house without my Kindle…and I went into panic, thinking overload. I think my sister posted something on her FB page about gymnasts who have to learn to let go of one bar to get to the next and there is that moment when you are suspended in between the bars. Yikes! You are right about focusing on what I was “being and doing before the panic arrived”. I’m trying. I guess the upside is I could be close to letting go? Thank you for helping me interpret this panic mode. It felt like I was back at square one until I read this post. You, your insights, and timing are amazing. Thank you.
I spent so much time thinking about him after. I was idealizing him still. Oh he was so amazing. Did I make the wrong decision? It was only after I killed the fantasy and started to see things the way they really were, that I was able to start to get over it. Now I spend my time living!
Overcoming my thoughts has been the hardest thing. Not only was I ruminating the days away with thoughts of why, how to get him back, and what does she have that I don’t– I had DREAMS ABOUT HIM! More like nightmares. Even in my dreams he was unavailable. I felt so helpless. Who can control their dreams!
When you’re in the thick of it you literally can’t stop thinking about it. What I had to do is be easy on myself and accept the fact that he would pop in from time to time but I didn’t have to dwell on it. As soon as I realized I was having yet another, extended thought, daydream, wishing session, revenge fantasy, or whatever I made myself go to something else. If not, it’s like you’re keeping the relationship going, but only in your head.
Posting here for the first time. I’ve been following BR since a bad break-up in November. I literally stumbled across this site and its been a life-saver ever since. I’m truly grateful to Nat for her posts and everyone else for their comments – you have no idea how much you have helped me heal.
I’m not completely over the ex, or I should say, over the fantasy I built up of him, the idea of having him in my life and the sex. But, I’m getting there, allowing myself time to grieve and being gentle with myself.
Thank you for being part of this journey in trying to find myself again and rediscovering the value of self-respect, self-love and self-esteem. I saw this sign today and had to share with everyone:
“I used to think you took my breath away, but then I realized I was just suffocated by your bullshit”
Hi
I have recently broken up from a 4 year relationship. My ex told me he will always love me and that im in his mind and heart. Well telling me this he hooked up with another woman after a week. No need to tell how devastated and confused i was. His words and actions are so controversy. He blocked me on facebook to be able to get over me but.. The woman he’s with is all over facebook about her new love. Ive told myself a million times NOT to visit her site. But i cant help myself. I think about them 24/7 and im pretty much exhausted of all this info and hurt. How can i get myself to concentrate on my own life. Ive tried pretty much everything, read so many self help books, articles on the net, talked with my friends. Tried with new hobbies and interests but my heart and twisted mind just wont let go. How to free myself from this facebook and google addiction? Anyone in a similar situation?
Lisa
Suspend your facebook account temporarily – you simply disappear from their friends’ list. When you reactivate your account, you appear again. It’s not as brutal as blocking them and is low drama. Why not suspend your facebook account for, say, a fortnight? It may be enough to stop the compulsion.
That’s how I finally managed to stop snooping on the exMM
How to stop? You stop by stopping.
And, yes, it’s tough. But so is spending your life spying on an ex.
The exMM said he would always love me too. Lies!
Lisa
I too had the Facebook addiction, I wasn’t actually friends on Facebook with him whilst I was seeing him because I never looked at my own page let alone his, I was too wrapped up in him! But the urge to look does pass away, you will slowly start to get bored of it and realise its doing more damage to you than good. I used to look at his page, his friends, and family to try and get a glimpse of what was going on in his life without me. But although I still think about him everyday, looking at him on Facebook all happy and content is not helping my healing process. If you find that you look at it everyday try only looking every other day then once a week, then once a month etc.. Until you’ll find that you just can’t be bothered any more. 🙂
I think when you realise that you could play Big Brother and its not going to make a difference and someone else’s offer is going to be accepted and you could play columbo until they died of old age and they’d STILL not be with you, that’s when the curiosity will be killed off.
Monitoring someone is not love, care, trust, respect – it’s just monitoring.
It only took hours for me after leaving the AC to block them on FB, not just defriend – stuff will pop up from time to time in ‘friends you may know’ but FULL BLOCK.
My solution was to never go on Facebook. I’d like to delete my account, but people use it for event invites I wouldn’t get otherwise. I have my email notifications set *only* for invites and private messages — not for any other kind of status update. If I get an invite, I click only to that page, copy the info, and sign out.
If you can’t being yourself to suspend or delete your account (and I think you should suspend, for a few months), have a friend go in and block him and her so that when you visit you don’t and can’t see them. Defriend *his* friends so that you don’t see any comments by or about him.
Not googling is willpower. It’s like quitting smoking or something. You’ve got to respect and love yourself enough to know it’s a hurtful addiction, and step away from the keyboard, go for a walk, come to baggage reclaim and read articles like “what if he morphs into a better partner without me and “why her and not me.”
I love Twitter but also had to stop using it because my ex is a power user — one of those recommended “funniest people on twitter” types. I’ve even been blindsided by Linked In — his new gf was recommended to me as a contact by the site (“you might also know…”) which is how I found out her full name, which I did NOT want to know. But I have never Googled her or even tried to access her fb profile. The thumbnail picture was painful enough.
My ex also uses foursquare, plancast, tripit… basically, I could see where he is at any given moment and also where he is planning on going. This stuff will sap your lifeforce. At any earlier time in history, unless you lived in a small town and constantly ran into the person, you didn’t have to know what they were up to. Now it’s like high school — you have to run tinto them in the virtual halls and hear virtual loudspeaker announcements. Now you have to be proactive and really respect your own boundaries. It’s not fair, I know. It’s absurd that you can wonder what someone is up to and, with a couple of clicks, actually know in real time. I don’t think we’re biologically evolved to deal with this, and you’ve got to put up your own firewalls. You can do it!
I was in a similar situation. Cold turkey is the only way…and my life now is all the better for it. Also block her. She won’t know. If she does find out who cares?
Reward yourself as you progress. At first it is tough but it does get better. It has been almost been a month since I last did a ‘snoop’ and it feels great. I am finally starting to get over him.
At the end of the month I plan on rewarding myself with something special (perhaps a beautiful new pair of shoes).
To extract a segment of what Natalie’s previous said regarding this issue:
“Cold turkey and de-friend! If you don’t, you will end up being trapped in your feelings and you won’t be able to get over them as you’re continuing engaging and feeding an illusion via the internet”…
And it’s true.
You can do this. 🙂 🙂 🙂
This was me the first go around when MM/AC went NC on me for three months. I wouldn’t stop looking at his family/friends/and his facebook account. We even have many mutual friends due to work so it was especially awkward. He also has other online profiles that I looked at AND to top it off I’d look at his WIFE’S stuff too (talk about hurting myself when she’d go on about the wonderful things her husband would do).
The other day I ended up feeling incredibly rejected and bawling and I went back into that habit after not doing it for a while. I went to his wife’s page. And there it was, about how her husband was so thoughtful and sweet and got her this wonderful present. It hurt and I was obviously TRYING to hurt myself at that point and prove that I am a person that is only good for being rejected, but I was able to detach from that and say “WTF are you DOING? This ISN’T GOOD FOR YOU”.
Take a step back. Focus on not doing it for one day. Then the next day. And the next day. All you are doing is hurting yourself. You WILL NOT HEAL if you keep doing this. All that does is keep you engaged with the relationship that is over. It feels so much better now that I’m not playing detective, trying to piece together his life and investigate how he lied to me and how he played me and how he used me. Yes they LIED. Yes they move on quickly. They are selfish a-holes and you don’t need “prove” of that everyday by going to his facebook account.
Do ANYTHING possible to stop engaging in that behavior. It became addictive for me at some points but now I’m okay. It doesn’t matter what he’s up to ’cause it’s just more lies and assholery behavior.
Hi and thanks a zillion for all the supportive messages. Ive blocked them both now, last status update was a photo of a drawing of their initials side by side. Actually laughed a bit since we are way over 30 almost 40. So their profiles look a bit youngish atm i would say.
The hardest part for me has been the acuteness of the replacement. Kinda signals that his feelings for me werent as deep as he was telling me. So i feel very betrayed. Like ive been living a lie for god knows how long. Cause i really cant see that anyone could move on this fast from a four year relationship if being so much in love with the dumped person. I just dont think its humanly possible. So his loving feelings must have been very shallow.
Im gonna do my very best to stop with all this detective work. You are right about it actually hurting me more. They couldnt care less about my snooping around. Wont change what happened. And the reality is that they are an item. Nothing i can do about it. Thanks again 🙂
I have been there myself, just recently in fact.
My ex was on a group website and I could see where he was going and what he was planning. It helped somewhat so I’d know where he was and then I could be sure I wouldn’t run into him.
But, at the same time, I was addicted to it. Watching what time he posted things, figuring if it was late he didn’t have anyone at his house and if it was during the day then I knew he was home.
Finally, I just went cold turkey. He contacted me to do something and I ended my account. When you remove the temptation of your addiction, and that is what we’re talking about, it gives you time to focus on YOUR life and what YOU need to do.
There is such a thing as love addiction. Google it and you’ll find some info. You may not be a love addict, but some of the help there on how to stop obsessing is really good.
When the time is right, the website appears.
Just lost all contact with a man I’d been seeing on and off the past year. Prior to this time I’d been moving on in the world and not thinking about him much. Then, oh wow, he materialise in my local market, Turns out he’d followed me there “just had to see me”. He lives in a different town so contact was intermittent, but intimate when it occurred.
This Thursday I sent a email to his address and it bounced back. I tried to ring – this number is no longer in service. Thank you for being here, I think it may be the way out of ” what the..? Our previous relationship (2.5 years ago had been dramatic and painful. This time I felt safe not being in the same town as him. I guess he’s just Mr Unavailable and I’m the fallback girl. At the moment I’m so angry has gotten to just cut the cord and walk away with no fallout no having to face me. But I’m really looking forward to this wonderful site.
A the moment I
I know it is difficult sometimes, but I don’t know why we can see things so clearly when it is someone else’s situation. We are very good at supporting each other and providing guidance, but too few women can take these steps on their own. I guess it is our emotional state and sentimental attachment that makes it difficult to get over a relationship that doesn’t have any love left in it for us.
I had mastered NC and not thinking about the ex. It has been 7month or so. Now I am going to our mutual friend’s house party and rumour has it he is going to be there. That doesn’t bother me because I knew at some point I would have to see him again.
My issue is whether Option 1: I go to the party and mingle and eventually if the circumstances arise say hi OR Option 2: if I go to the party and when I first see him, I walk up to him and say hi and then just enjoy the rest of my night.
I am leaning towards option 2 because I think it will allow me to enjoy the night more and control the situation as opposed to trying to have fun in a small house with this “elephant” in the room. However, he has a big ego so option 2 is just going to make him feel important and I don’t want to do that, I did that enough when we were together.
Help please????
Jane, I have to agree with the last part of your statement..that he already has a big enough ego and will probably take your walking up to him to mean he is just so great…gag!
I say go there with the thought that if you see him fine, otherwise, I’d enjoy myself and not go to him first. If you see him across the room and he sees you, nod your head, make a quick acknowledgment and carry on with what you were doing.
🙂
Ugh!
I had a similar problem. Elsewhere NML beaming megawatt smiles and hi bye, but I’m totally the opposite. I want to make the assclown freeze.
So I think I will ignore them and if they chat to me, I’ll just smile and say nothing, which will freak them out.
This IS a timely topic, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this Natalie.
I hate to sound as though I am stereotyping, but I think that thinking and thinking again and thinking again is something that really comes “naturally” to women in particular. We’re not compartmentalizers like men are. I mean, I suppose we can do it, but it has been my experience that when something has our interest, we do like to think it all over. Isn’t that what you all do with your girlfriends? I mean, when my girls and I get together we can gleefully rehash and rehash the same thing — until we have it all sorted. And then it seems that we let it go. This “over”thinking thing seems to be similar. We think and think and then when it gets sorted, we gradually let it go.
I had a relationship with a MM who was a future faker, as it turned out, and it ended badly with the wife discovering, us going NC, him “leaving” her and striking back up with me providing even MORE future faking promises, and then, when it became apparent to me that all of this was a really bad idea because he was an emotional basket case and still enmeshed in that marriage despite his protestations to the contrary and it was making me sick, he and I blew it up.
I didn’t bother to tell him what he is, he knows what he is, and besides, if I had said: “listen, you EU assclown, here’s everything that’s wrong with you…” it would have sounded awfully much like projection, so I held back. But between you and me — he’s an EU assclown, co-dependent nightmare with mommy issues. Just sayin’.
To make things more interesting, once she knew about me she started stalking me (and she STILL stalks me almost 2 years later during which time he and I have been in complete NC). So that’s been pleasant. And honestly, as I’m thinking about it, I am fairly confident that that’s how HE gets his connection with me too. She stalks, says: ‘oh, Bronte is doing this this and this’ and that gives him enough information about me to keep him satisfied. Because he absolutely knows without a doubt that coming back crawling to me with even a text message would result in utter rejection and his ego is too bloated and essential to his ability to function that he wouldn’t risk it. He has no concept of self-hood. None.
Anyway, that’s my background (because this is my first post, I wanted to…
Last night, I finally, really cried about my break up. It happened the day after Christmas, and he was a future faker of the worst kind. His actions matched his words until the very end, then suddenly, the future I thought we were building together vanished. On the phone, he admitted to me that he starts relationships with women, only to break them off, that he strung me along (although at the time doing all those things he said AND did for me felt right), and that’s the reason he’s never had a relationship last more than a year. The next day I wrote an email asking to talk face to face, because he still said he loved me. He responded that he wanted to believe he loved me, but didn’t and that he was lo longer interested in having a relationship. I have had NC ever since.
However, I keep thinking of all the things we did and all the things we were supposed to do. I recently secured a new career goal, and I thought of how supportive he was with me taking steps to advance myself. I wanted to share the good news with him, but of course I never will. What’s hard for me is that I keep wanting to share my life with him, It felt like I finally met someone who wanted the same things I did, who was as giving and considerate, even moreso than I was, I finally had someone who I could come home to. I think of all the promises he made and followed through on, how he went above and beyond, and how he convinced me that he loved me, and how eventually all those things were lies, because even though he was consistent, he never intended to follow through I the long run. But, I also fantasize of him trying to contact me (he has a history of on again, off again relationships) and me either sticking with NC, or me responding by giving him a piece of my mind, or me responding and we reconcile. This is all normal. We have all gone through this, or are going through this, and we shouldn’t beat up ourselves about having to replay everything, because I believe that’s a part of healing and letting go.
I miss him, terribly, but I’m smart enough to respect myself. I will probably think of him for a long time, remembering the good and the bad, and that it’s okay, because I am creating good news for myself everyday. It could have been nice, and it was up until it ended, but isn’t that how it always is? Remember the good things, because there was happiness, even…
Hi
Im so sorry to read how badly you have also been treated. What is wrong with these men (women) who treat their supposed loved ones like this. Why be in a relationship in the first place if you know your going to bail out anyways. At least have the courtesy to be frank about it from the beginning. I posted earlier on about my situation, my AC telling me how he loves me while simultaneously replacing me with someone else. He didnt have the guts to just say how things were but I had to find out through facebook. Begged and pleaded for a month but got my act together and now ive been on NC for 2 weeks (and quitting on the facebook spying from this day on :).
We deserve better companions hunni, thats just how thing should be seen. We can do so much better and find partners that are MATURE enough for an adult relationship. Lets recognize our worth and leave those sorry ****s behind for good!!! Hugs, Lisa
Lisa,
You are completely right about your ex. The good thing is that now you have a chance to find someone with more integrity (the cowardly s**t!). I am delighted you have decided to stop the Facebook spying..it really does feel amazing after the first few days (which are a little tough, I got through them with distractions, rewards and this little mantra “I am not a creep and he is irrelevant to me”.. 🙂 ).
Isalationist,
Something similar happened to me..I know how knocked for six you must be feeling now. He sounds like one of those “in it for the freshness” types of men..that enjoy the honeymoon period and scarper when things start to slow and become more healthily steady. This man is a coward, a user, a flake in addition to lacking something serious in the testicular department.. these are not attractive qualities.
Like Lisa you are free now to find someone better. Knock him off of his pedestal, break the illusions..he.isn’t all. that. The pain does fade.
It is common to fantasize about them making contact however I would advise you to stay NC because:
He’s already shown you the whole of the moon..(meaning his ass). He does not deserve further time and attention.
Best of luck girls and all. 🙂 🙂 🙂
This guy’s rule is:
1. I don’t commit
2. I don’t participate
3. I don’t deliver
And he has even said this to help you think that this is normal behaviour you can expect from him. Flush him!
My assclown’s last LTR was in 2007/2008, which which is about 3.5 years ago. I’d wondered privately what the hell they had been doing all that time since then. You can almost be guaranteed that if they disappear, that there is someone else(s) in the picture somewhere – there *always* is.
Isalantionist
I know how you feel, if its any consolation I went through exactly the same thing. I met someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The thing is he mentioned to me early on that he hasn’t had a proper girlfriend since he was 22 and he is now 35. He would also tell me how much other women wanted him but he wasn’t interested or how old girlfriends would give him drunken calls late at night begging him to come back to them! I thought I was going to be the one to change that, because he said to me that he was “tired of playing”. I thought I was so lucky to have met such a gorgeous, successful man, but he was a professional player! He gave me excellent career advice, we had fun nights out and in, he future faked me, was very affectionate, and was consistent right till the very end, I was falling in love! Then he stood me up one day and disappeared without a word. He didn’t return my calls or anything, I sent him one last text to say how much I enjoyed our time together but that I realised it was over and he didn’t need to treat me this way.
I sometimes imagine him contacting me or even texting me but I will never break NC, because I can’t forget how disrespected and small he made me feel. The red flags are there but we choose to ignore them in our quest to find happiness.
Stay strong, if you get tempted to contact him, come here instead! 🙂
Limerance, the fact that we see our UA’s at work makes the NC very very difficult. I have been at my workplace for many years, love my job and damn if I’m leaving. But that means I have to interact with him. I do beautifully keeping him distanced for a period of time, keeping my communication professional but then he draws me back in with some comment that makes hope well up inside me that we can be together. I get warmer to him, he backs off and we start the whole cycle all over! He is driving me crazy!
I hear ya! It’s quite the rollercoaster. The only thing we can do is just keep NOT GETTING ON IT because we know how that ride ends. Some days are a helluva a lot easier than others. Some days my only waking thought is of him and seeing him at work is just a knife to the heart.
Hi Grace – we have one of these in our workplace too. Lovely guy, MM, very much so, but seems to NEED positive female attention.
We (all the women here except one, and even she seems to be growing out of him slowly, thank goodness) recognise that it’s a needy thing with him, and we just laugh it off now. It’s his wife I feel sorriest for, because she’s battled serious illness through all of this too.
How do you stop? Grace had the right answer: ‘You stop by stopping. And, yes, it’s tough.’
You say ‘he draws me back in’ – I’d suggest that this is where you’re falling down. Natalie has an excellent 101 beginners’ course on maintaining your boundaries and taking better care of yourself. If you can head him off at the pass (without actually strafing him in public), then the cycle won’t start again.
Being professional (eg avoiding the personal like the plague) in your speech and presentation is good. Being very busy is also good, having lunch dates with other people is excellent, a bright beaming smile as you rush off to do something else after granting him a mere split second of your precious time can also be fun …
If he tries to one-up you by drawing the conversation into the personal in any way, you can always say, ‘I’m so sorry, but I don’t think that’s appropriate in the workplace’, and smile politely and then walk away. But always make sure there’s a third party present.
I don’t date people from work. Too risky if things blow up.
SO…. the MM/AC is now under investigation by HR for sexual harassment. He’s had complaints from 3 women (not one of them me, I didn’t go to HR as suggested above) since August (that was when the affair ended the first time for us… I think he must have gone into overdrive or something). If they know what’s best for the company they’ll boot his ass. And this isn’t the first time he’s had complaints. A year and a half ago there was a big issue that resulted in him needing “more supervision” because of his unwanted interaction with a girl in his department.
BTW, I know this because he’s so stressed out and “I’m the only person he has to turn to”. LOL. He says he can’t tell his wife because she’d flip out (Wow, what happened to that GREAT year he’s having because I showed him how to treat his wife with love and respect and btw, he’s doing SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME (one text and voicemail I got before this crap, trying to rub my face into the fact that he was doing SO GREAT while I hurt)). They ALWAYS come crawling back when they want something. The night before this broke he was begging me to send him a naked picture of myself because he’s “never had someone with a body like mine” and he “misses” that. OMG!!!
(BTW this is my work cell which company pays for so I can’t block anything on it. ATT charges you for SmartLimits to block numbers and I certainly can’t ask them to block another work cell w/o questions coming up which everyone above advised me not to get into).
I literally let myself be such a doormat to this guy that he thinks he can continue to contact me and request these things (naked pictures, a shoulder to cry on because of serious work issues). I’m very ashamed and I literally pray every day for the strength to be better. Once the fog clears you really get to see yourself and it’s UGLY. I’ve cried so much over how I’ve treated myself.
It hurts so much to face the reality of what I’ve become. I’m a professional woman, graduated summa cum laude, expert in my department, resource and respected by my professional peers… and yet I let myself be treated like this. And if it wasn’t for this blog I would still be in the painful cloud/fog I was in not realizing what the hell was going on! I was so isolated… Nat, you are AMAZING and this blog has empowered me. It’s a slower process than I’d like but if AC gets kicked out of work for this crap I think it will be better.
If they let him stay, you should come forward i think. Now that he has a history of complaints, you are in a strong position and HE should leave so that your workplace is emotionally safe for you. What a grotesque opportunist!
Limerence,
He is the worst kind of sex pest. Why are you providing tea and sympathy to him?
Why are you listening to his whining? Unfortunately higher education and professional qualifications have nothing to do with emotional intelligence and common sense. Unfortunately they can be misused to rationalise bad behaviour.
Before you go to HR, are you sure he hasn’t got anything on you? Because the fact is that you did engage with him, and no doubt some of that took place at work. He will try to take you down with him, and will tell any outrageous lie – from what you say has already done so. HR may take the view that you have been just as bad as one another and sack you both.
Haven’t posted in a while. Was dating a guy since April, wasn’t sure how compatible we were early on (different wavelengths/ personalities didn’t seem to compliment/ couldn’t talk for hours) but he was very keen and he fit the ‘tall, dark, handsome Mr Darcy’ persona. We went from dating once a week, me expressing my doubts about us in May when he seemed more serious, him reassuring me (declaring he was in love with me and giving me a key to his flat). By June we had gotten into a relationship and my worries faded when we went into boyfriend/ girlfriend mode. Really felt great to be loved after a long history of chasing a variety of Mr Unavailables. By July, he changed abruptly (mood swings, calling me a liar) and i was worried, my anxieties about him increased, my self esteem plummeted… but felt i should be supportive and wait until he got over a stressful period at work. I know I sound stupid for carrying on dating him, but I thought my type wasn’t right for me and he was so lovely I thought I would surely fall for him if things continued to go as well. I thought if i raised my concerns once his stress was over, he would reassure me again and we would go back to how we were for
that brief spell when i was just getting comfortable. When I raised my worries, he threw everything back in my face and couldn’t believe I raised any issues when he was stressed. I
went away for 5 weeks and hoped things would improve on my return. They did a bit, but there was definite resentment on his side for me going away. I tried to ends things when he didn’t acknowledge there were problems/ got back together/ flip flapped ever since, tried to go on a break, then he apologised for everything and asked for another chance so I gave it,
althought I said at the time, was it right to be in a relationship when I felt so nervous/ unsure if I could try. He said he wanted to anyway. It just never went to that same level, whilst I
grew to care, great physical chemistry, I couldn’t get those concerns about how he acted under ‘stress’ and how weak our foundation was when I was looking for a good marriage. I also have
cultural/ family pressures to settle down, which was clouding my decision. I met up with
someone who just do happened to be friendly with his ex and she told me, he was controlling and moody in that relationship, and by the end that girl was a wreck and not herself. I worried that was happening to me. I just couldn’t get past my doubts and together with the clash of personalities, I ended it. He said he couldn’t try anymore. I either wanted to give it a go, and feel that we went through a bad patch but were great together (didn’t happen, although he never went back to as mean as he was, just things never went to that loving relationship again and he still got snappy with me)…. Or leave and feel it was for the best. I sit here after finally ending it last month, still missing him. Weird, after all that. I’m so worried I made a mistake and in the end, I ruined the relationship, and in fact he was a good guy. I can’t call him an assclown who cheated/ beat me/ didn’t commit… Feel so lost. This site, Natalie and religiously reading the comments over the last 18 months has helped me so much. I’d appreciate any comments which make things clearer….
There is a saying I’ve heard…(probably here)..that the person you get at the beginning of the relationship isn’t the *real* them, it is in fact their representative..the person they use to sell the idea of a relationship with them to you.
Of course everyone is wonderful in the beginning..even the nastiest of the nasty can put up a pristine front. You wouldn’t have started to go out with a consistently grumpy, moody and sullen man, now would you?
Similar thing happened to me before. It is good that you paid attention to how he is when he is stressed especially if it a long term commitment that you are looking for. Imagine if something *really* stressful happened to him (not to say that work isn’t stressful, it is..) but something like illness or death..and unfortunately these are situations that we can and do encounter our lives.
Even then there are people who are going through the worst of the worst and don’t behave inconsiderately to the ones they love.
Thank you Sarah, I keep trying to remember this but I’ve got this recurring thought that maybe I was harsh on him… Perhaps with time, it would have been ok… Got to keep moving forward.
I thought I was evolving from reading Natalie and all you amazing BR posters but now I could be the poster child for why it is so important to manage your thoughts and not break NC with an AC.
I devolved at warp speed and feel like pond scum right now for allowing the wrong thoughts to control me. I went to a Meetup dinner last night and had a lot to drink and was much closer to the AC’s house than mine so I illogically thought I’d rest on his couch for a while knowing I wanted to snoop… (He doesn’t know I still have a key and I haven’t used it since I moved.) I saw him last week before he left town for “work” and he’s to return tomorrow. I haven’t heard from him since he left which deviates from his norm since I broke NC.
OMG!!! It was beyond my worst thoughts and he will definitely know I was there. I lost control when I saw the candleholders I bought for a birthday dinner he hosted for my mother upstairs in his bedroom along with evidence of relationship-level sexcapades… A woman’s thong in his laundry folded by his cleaning lady, his and hers lube which we never used. A word that recently came up for me re the AC and contributed to my obsessing was “Violated.” I let him violate my boundaries and trust. Now I did the same to him. UGH. I could have gone NC before or even after seeing what I saw but no…. Instead, I had to leave a little destruction behind and am feeling stupid, childish and embarrassed and fearing the repercussions when he realizes his home and privacy were violated. I had no business doing what I did even with my justification that he had no business having unprotected sex with me and still would be if I hadn’t recently put the brakes on. (My word, I am a complete fool aren’t I?)
Logically, with what I learned, his hold on any part of my brain or heart should be as shattered as the candleholders and as empty as the lube tubes are now. I shouldn’t be hurting that he so easily lied to me and f*cked me and f*cked me over while playing nice to my face. He showed me who he was by his actions for the past year -the prior 5 years we both had life issues – not this crap.
“If you can’t live your life as a good example, be an extreme caution.” Why couldn’t l manage my thoughts and heed the wisdom that NC was the only option to stop being his f’d over option?!! Still thinking I could be the exception, I guess…
Natalie, I just got home and read your recent Facebook post in the sidebar here. What timing! Yes, I made mistakes and received valuable feedback from my better self. I realized that, in addition to letting my obsessive thoughts control me and violating someone else’s – even an AC’s – privacy, I also made assumptions based on my fears that may or may not be true. I went back to right things in his house as much as I could before he returns tomorrow. It’s possible I misread the “evidence” since I hadn’t been there since he was seeing the girlfriend I knew about that he had when we “off” in our on/off craziness and the his and hers lubes could have been from then and the underwear could conceivably be his adolescent daughter’s who stays with him every other weekend. It doesn’t even matter if I my first impression was right – what I did was wrong.
There was only so much I could do to make it look like the horse was still in the barn and give myself plausible deniability. The tube in his drawer could have leaked? The one in the other nightstand could already have been empty? The candleholders are history but maybe he won’t notice? Ugh. I created so much unnecessary worry and drama. Also, he sent me a friendly email from an alternate account last night that I missed till tonight because he never emails me and the subject was trouble with his new phone. Not that this explains or excuses his uncharacteristic silence for 4 days while he’s away for work (or not and lied about that) and all the other crazy-making crap but I feel ashamed of myself for my angry emotional alcohol-fueled rampage last night. I’m over 50 for goodness sake! I know that was not a reasonable way to behave. I was freaking out and told my mother when she called and she was concerned for my safety when I said he would know I did what I did. I wish I hadn’t been “that woman” and it serves no good purpose to have him think of me that way or, heaven forbid want revenge, if I want to firmly end this chapter. After I got the spare car key from him awhile ago, I learned he has yet another duplicate key for my car that I bought from him and he’s also in law enforcement. Now, in addition to the usual anxiety, I’m on pins and needles wondering if he’ll figure it out and hoping my “mistakes” in thought and action won’t have ramifications beyond being a painful learning experience.
FX.
Psycologist. Express.
Getting down to the psych ASAP was one of the best things I ever did.
Thank you for the reply and recommendation, tired_of_assanova. I was seeing a psych for another issue and my Mom suggested that I check in again, too, after I blurted out what I did. The issue I was dealing with before was huge and actually kept ME from properly being in a relationship or working, leaving the house and more… I had a breakdown/PTSD and I was the one who turned into someone glaringly 180 degrees from who I was when we met! The AC stuck with me and supported me (in his both limited and generous AC way) for years because he really did adore me but I think he still has a lot of anger toward me for those lost years and can’t forgive me and is punishing me. Ugh. I came out of that awful time of my life relatively recently and am finding a new normal for the way I interact with the world but he will always be the last man who knew me as I was for the first 45 years of my life.
I don’t even know if I love him or want a real relationship with him anymore! I drove an hour and a half each way today to replace the inexpensive candleholders to hide my crazy behavior so I can move on without his knowledge of or repercussions from him for what I did. Unfortunately, I think I’ll have to deal with him “normally” a little longer when he gets back in town before going NC again just to allay any suspicion for what I couldn’t undo in his house that could have another explanation that doesn’t point to me.
I guess the bottom line/top line is it doesn’t matter what responsibility either of us had/have, this relationship is now way past it’s “sell by” date.
Yeah. They all have expiry dates. After that date. EXPIRED.
Okay, I’ve done some crazy stuff in my past… then, had to “fix” it so as not to get caught… I was both grinning and cringing when I read your post!
Every once in a while, that crazy-behavior happens… just please learn from it… and turn in yer key!…
I don’t have any good advice here, but I just want you to know I empathize with you and understand where you were coming from when you did those things. We’ve all been there and you aren’t crazy. This relationship is making you do crazy things, but you are surely a completely normal woman.
i wrote a comment earlier, i dont think its resurfaced. i saw ex EUM today at a cafe. i saw him with a male friend sitting and chatting as i was driving down that street with some of my girlfriends going to grab a coffee .. i really felt like walking past him to see his reaction. after a month of NC, tonight was just hard seeing him. my friends asked me what i was going to achieve by walking past him ,stopped me and reassured me he’s an AC. i guess i wanted to say hi, and then i thought to myself, that no, i wont walk past him cos i wasnt looking hot and he’s an AC. . NC is getting hard and theres times like now, where im so tempted to tell him i love him, miss him .its doing my head in. and i have to admit, yesterday i walked the same route after work to see if he happened to be at that cafe. its obsessive, i know..but its just driving me crazy.im feeling very tormented..so if i aint going to text him, i have this obsession about bumping into him. how do i deal with it???
I found it interesting jasmine that you said, “i thought to myself, that no, i wont walk past him cos i wasnt looking hot and he’s an AC”.
I would take out the “I wasn’t looking hot part” and focus on the fact that he was AC part. I think you are looking for validation from him – you want him to want you back – so you hope to see him when you are looking “hot” and he’ll come running back to you.
You should never need to impress a man with your looks or hotness. A man should be impressed by your personality and your achievements, and from the sound of it you are placing a lot of value on how you look to how much he wants you back or how he reacts to you.
He is an AC. Do you really want some validation from an assclown? Even if you get the validation are you sure it’s genuine, or is it his way you pulling you back in only to push you away again or act all assclownish again?
Keep focusing on the fact that he is an AC and know one day you’ll find someone who loves you and is not an AC. Validate yourself by loving you.
As Soul Searching wrote, I’ve made the list where I’ve been hurt and forgiven the ones who have hurt me. With this last relationship, I saw so much of my old self in this guy and the path of destruction I’ve left throughout the years I’ve had to write a new list of people who I need to ASK for forgiveness. What a better understanding of my own emotional unavailability. I can no longer play the victim. I feel true compassion for my ex. He is wandering around aimlessly, bumping off of other people, or a job, material possessions, his children, nights out, the right words from his ex wife, SOMETHING that will validate him and make him feel okay about himself. And when whatever it is fails to make him happy, as it will, he gets to play the blame game. As I used too.
I’m not sure why my mind is occupied by him at all, but I do spend too much time thinking about him. I don’t know why. I am grateful that I have because of the growth he has afforded me. I have really focused on me and have become a much more positive, optimistic person towards others since the break-up and feel positive about future relationships. I feel confident that I’ll see red flags if there are any and bail when its time.
I guess when my work is done, I won’t think about him as often. Or I’ll start wearing a rubber band on my wrist and every time he crosses my mind I’ll pull it back and let it smack me! LOL!!
Hi all,
I haven’t checked in in months… and yes, I am still thinking of him, almost 6 months after breaking up (5 months NC).
I have been extremely depressed, isolated and alone.
But working hard at rebuilding a life for myself.
I’m going to therapy, i started going to Weight Watchers to lose the 15 lbs that crept on me over the last year and make me feel completely unattractive and devoid of any sensuality. I also started taking bellydancing classes, which are loads of fun!
But yes, I still think of him. It’s nowhere near as hard to keep NC these days, but I still fantasize a bit and sometimes I feel so alone that I want to drive over to his place – it’s because I feel so alone and he seems like the only one I really connect with. I miss the good times, the friendship, the humor, having someone in my life that was there for me. But then I run the tape all the way through and I remember how alone and unhappy I used to feel by his side…
It’s a fantasy, not reality.
It hurts to think he’s most likely (if not for sure) with other people, and probably happier than me.
I guess I’m still grieving the loss, and feeling so alone doesn’t help.
Los Angeles can be such a lonely place!
I’m really focused on being positive about everything in my life, and BELIEVING IN MYSELF. I can do this!! I can rebuild my life and make it a happy one!
We can do this!!!
brokenhearted LA –
Hey you!
First of all – congrats on keeping yourself busy and doing good things to your mind & body! You’ll feel so much better when you accomplish losing those pounds/become a belly dancing expert! 😉
Secondly – I’ve been there, as much as you try not to think about them and keep yourself busy they always creep into your brain! It took me a long long time to get over my ‘big’ ex but just as the article says when you realise you haven’t thought about the person in weeks that’s when you’re over it/them.
Don’t feel lonely – it’ll pass and don’t forget you’ve always got yourself. Have faith in yourself and don’t give up! You’ll get there and when you do you’ll feel amazing.
xx
It took me many months too. Epiphanies are like that.
Keep busy. ..trust that the pop ups and the tough spots are exactly what Natalie says…processing…if you trusted..and believed…the future faker…or the car salesman…for some reason it happened…try to stop the madness..evaluate u…see how u need to change… because if u are a Nat fan…u have a huge heart…ur smart..and ur trying to rationalize why…..I still am. ..but it will not determine me..good luck
Moved to another country as I needed to heal from a really bad breakup – left a guy behind (whom I dated briefly before leaving) who was great but I wasn’t ready to embark on a proper relationship with.
Have had NC for almost a year now – have been off social networking websites, no email, no skype, nothing. He asked me to stay with him back then but I refused and from what I could tell he was a bit hurt by the whole thing.
Moving back to the EU in April and thought about calling him up (in my mind it’ll look spontanteous but it might just come across as stalkerish/obsessive/sad haha) as I’d love to stay in touch with him. You never know what could happen in 5 yrs from now.
Used to think about this guy 24/7, it’s a bit bettter now, but still I ALWAYS OBSESS ABOUT EXES for way longer than I should.
I haven’t posted here for a while. I was doing fine with NC, ignoring the occasional texts from the ex AC and getting out and meeting people. Last week he sent me a text asking if we could have dinner. ‘No harm in that’ I thought as I’m over him. So I replied OK, lets have dinner one night. Three days later – no reply. I sent him another text – if you sent the text to me in error or it’s more silly mind games its not clever, its effed up. Don’t contact me again. His response? ‘see you next week’. Now I’m at the angry stage (again!) and feel I’ve taken a step backwards. Clearly he was either just fishing or it was meant for another of the harem. I feel so stupid that he must be laughing his socks off now. Its pointless trying to be even cordial with these men. Once an AC always an AC. I just need to get over my humiliation and anger now!
Shattered, I think you agreeing to dinner was enough of an ego stroke for him that he didn’t need to follow through on the arrangement. Don’t feel humiliated – this dude is pathetic. Don’t even dignify him with a response the next time he texts! It’s normal to feel angry, but don’t let yourself get sidetracked by it. Onwards and upwards!
Yep, once they feel you’re reeled in again they don’t give an eff. I know this ALL too well with my story. The MM/AC I had the affair with would work really hard sometimes to reel me back in… then nothing once I was there. It’s emotional torture. These guys are so selfish.
Thanks Brenda 🙂
I too technically didn’t have to do NC because he done it to me! It’s so hard to completely get over it when you are dealing with a coward. But like you said it gets better day by day.
I have successfully got over a married toxic ex assclown by exercising my muscle of self-discipline. We all know deep down when someone is not being honest with us and we totally know when we are not being honest with ourselves. And I have done my fair share of not being honest with myself. The first time you ignore/ delete that text/ email is the worst. Keep doing it and keep faking you are strong and eventually you become strong. And the past will slip further and further away. ‘Fake it to make it’ worked with me.
Natalie-I read you every day. I have never got the sence though that anyone who comments, or your articles, are for the divorced. I have been divorced now for 9 months and need your insights daily just to keep going. Just wanted you to know that I find it, and the related comments, very helpful. I can’t do NC as I have 3 teenagers, their dad lives a mile away, and they constantly “Daily” interact with him. He is always stopping by and I am forced to be civil even when I don’t feel like it. Today I was obsessing over him, your articles timing was perfect which it usually is. We can never go back yet that doesn’t stop me from spending far to much time wondering about his every action. I’m going to try the 10 minute rule today (and the rubberband idea, that’s funny). Wish me luck!
Hey CR,
Good luck to you. My second divorce occurred when our daughter was 3. I had to establish firm boundaries and limit the interaction with the exH. Our interaction was limited to discussing our daughter and he could not just stop by. I know it’s difficult with teenagers but you may want to consider some boundaries regarding the always stopping by. It could help you now and it could be helpful in the future if/when there is a man in your life. It’ll be a bit awkward if the exH continues to show up whenever.
Early on when I was in the obsessive thought vortex with the most recent exMM/AC, I got so desperate to stop the nonsensical thinking, I used a rubber band. It was amazing how many times a day I had to zing myself. I had red wrists for a while but it really helped me to consciously tune in to that inner obsessive thought process. I may have to get the rubber band out again as I’m experiencing a flurry of thoughts again just after they subsided.
We can never go back…
Today I cried a Million tears.
I was doing what I thought was pretty Good.
And then I saw some New Pictures of him,(We are both on the same dating site),and it all came flooding back to me,the hurt,the rejection,the dissapearing.
How he has seemed to move on unscathed,While I am here left to pick myself up in my puddle of tears.
Nat,and ladies..You have all taught me so much,and I thank you from the bottom of my Heart…I just want to heal,to forget about him,I deleted my profile,as I am not ready to date,and to see him only brings me further pain.
Somedays I shout out to God why he would do this to Women and Men..Why we have to hurt,My tears are real,My heart is broken…But it will get better and I will go on…
Brenda
Brenda – I hear you, sister.
Today is the first and most important step – YOU GOT THE HELL OFF THE DATING SITE.
Well done – you have learned from the past, and have taken a really constructive step forward by owning the fact that you aren’t ready yet.
Atta girl! Sometimes the Universe hits us over the back of the head with a slap from a wave, just to wake us up. You had your wake up call, and now you can really begin your new life in earnest.
Get busy – get occupied – get active – get your mind off it and into constructive, happy and enjoyable things. Even just deciding to make a list of those things is a real start.
You’ve done the right thing.
I agree. Get off the dating site. I am AMAZED at the number of people that break up and its like next thing they’re on the dating site! Unbelievable!
I agree with Natalie- dating sites are EU central. You get stuck on the chatting. Going out into the real world and people actually have to physically speak with you.
And if anyone ever tells me ‘I’m on this site looking for ‘friends” it will be FULL FLUSH. (Anyway, that’s not going to happen anymore- dating site is BANNED now).
Wow – yet another spot-on post on this amazing site. I just wanted to share my story with you, especially with those of you who are finding it difficult to stay NC at the moment.
A few weeks ago, I stumbled across this site when me and my ex split up (a few readers including NML may remember me posting). It was christmas time, he had let me down for the millionth time, I felt like a big fool but worst of all I was still desperately in love with him. We had been together a year and when he lied to me and let me down yet again last xmas, it really was the last straw. Now I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that at that time when we split I thought I would never ever get over it. The thought of going NC was absurd – how could I possibly go NC when I was so in love with him even though he clearly wasnt with me. I posted in various articles on here, in my heartbroken state, begging for some sort of answer, something to help me just forget the pain , and everyone said the same thing – go NC.
So I did. I first started by deleting his number and his profile on facebook. Then when he decided to contact me, by email I blocked him. I removed all trace of him from my life. I am now almost 4 weeks no contact . And the best part is that I dont even think about it anymore. A few months ago if we had had an argument, my whole world would fall apart if we didnt patch things up and it would always be me patching things up. I look back now and its crazy, utterly mindless, how many hours and energy I spent on that man with nothing in return. I was blinded, I wanted to be with him, marry him and even move away with him. I honestly would have moved heaven and earth to be with him. So what I guess Im trying to say is this: if you are reading this because you are heartbroken and dont know what to do, please listen to NML and the other posters when they say NC is the best cure, it really does work and help you get your life back in order and start focusing on you.
Jodie, congrats on sticking to NC! I can relate to your story a lot, and I am in NC as well. It’s challenging and at times, lonely, but beyond that, underneath it all, I am beginning to love myself again and I am able to hug myself on the inside. I still have a long way to go and get strong so that if I am contacted again, I won’t have the desire to respond. I still find I am wishing for him to contact me but then I think how much easier it is when he doesn’t, and how a text really means nothing at all! I need to remember that.
I can’t wait for the day when I wake up and feel completely happy and free. For now, I will take it day by day, accept the highs and the lows, but most importantly stick to NC because I am feeling more peaceful in my soul already!
Australia,
I’d thank my lucky stars that he isn’t contacting you. It will be much easier to keep NC and self-focused if you don’t hear from him.
My exMM started sending me random texts last month (trying to hook up, of course) from a new phone number I didn’t recognize and it threw me into a tailspin for a few days.
It was pure mind fuckery.
Congrats on your newfound peace. I remember the alternative and don’t want to go back there.
Thanks blueberry girl!
My life is feeling more peaceful now that I can dedicate all the time to myself and focus on my priorities. I am working on being strong enough that if he even was to contact me again, I wouldn’t want to respond. I know I shouldn’t but a part of me also knows that if he does contact me I do have past tendency to feel weak and nostalgic and my thoughts go crazy as I contemplate what his contact means. However even if he did ‘come back’ and knowing him, it would be a lame text or run-in, I keep telling myself “it’s too late” for him anyways – I have given him all the opportunities and time in the world to show me he wants to be with me, and he hasn’t taken them, so it’s too late. That, and I don’t want a EUM.
Hopefully you are also in NC blueberry girl, and I send out a hug to you!
Everything you said is so spot on. I’m having a down moment this evening after 6 months NC and your comment really helped me. This is the “anniversary” month so it’s a bit hard. I can’t for the life of me remember what I was thinking back then other than “he likes me”. It still hurts. Thank you Jodie for posting. You are so right. Congratulations on 4 weeks NC.
Hey Natalie and BR-posters, How much genuine wisdom and the fuzziest, best sort of love are on this site right now? Tonnes, that’s how much! It’s great.
For anyone in the obsession vortex, I have been there and it truly sucked. I was in the final phase of thesis-writing when the AC ripped through town, and that prolonged stress, combined with the anxiety of what Katherine described as sorting out which broken pieces needed rebuilding and which needed leaving well alone, sent me to the edges of (in)sanity. I don’t know how, but I thank myself now for always having a inkling of what Grace identified: that me feeling so upset and confused about it all, even very depressed and anxious, was not a sign of the depth of my love for him. I did love him, but this was, as she said, about something else altogether. Such horror! But I made it through.
So if you’re feeling rubbish, remember that you’re in control of this process, your life is yours and your sense of self is your own. Hold onto that. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Read BR, learn from Natalie, but also get other help if you need it. You have to give yourself a chance to heal – the time and the context and the positive self-talk.
Elle I love your posts….I read them alot!!!
Thanks for the compassion!
Brenda
Been having some more thoughts about this today. I think it can be very easy to spoil your happy thoughts by following it up with a bad, sad thought. Like you are punishing yourself for starting to forget. Just when you start to enjoy yourself you remember them and it feels like the meaning and fun gets taken away. I guess what is important is having the good thoughts. If they disappear that’s ok because you still had them and you will have more and more and they will start to have more meaning and the sad thoughts and thoughts of AC will start to hurt less and have less meaning.
This was so timely! I have totally been obsessing. It’s like the thoughts take hold and you just go down in a thought spiral – having “conversations” with the ex in your mind…
I’ve started giving myself a mantra to stop the obsessive thoughts. And sometimes if I can, I will stop and immediately say The Lord’s Prayer and really meditate on each word as it comes out of my mouth to re-affirm what I believe in and what I believe God will do with my life.
The only problem is that lately the obsessive thoughts are getting worse – probably because I’ve started having these moments of absolute RAGE at him for the entire situation. Of being rejected. Of being made out to be an “option” or “on standby”. I’m trying to work through it. Maybe once I work through the anger and rage, I’ll stop having dreams about him. Those are really pissing me off.
Worse – I recently met a really nice guy and I’m angry that I’m not ready to date yet – because I let Mr. EU back into my life some months ago and only ended up pro-longing the pain. If I had stuck to my guns, I might be fully over this by now. Or at least mostly over it and “emerging”.
I think the advice to really focus on “building” or “rebuilding” your life is the right advice. Maybe if I do that, I won’t have time to obsess.
I do remember a holiday party I went to that was so much fun that even though at first I thought of him, once the fun started, I realized that I didn’t think about him at all after that. I was having too much fun.
Let’s get lives, ladies!
FashionMaven, I can so relate to so much of your post. The obsessive thoughts, conversations in your mind, dreams and RAGE at being his option. I, too, let my AC back into my life and know I prolonged the healing process and made myself even crazier because, as hard as NC was, I hadn’t spoken to him in over 2 months in when I let him back into my life and lost focus on building a better life without him. Because of our history, things that would seem minor to an outsider fuel my feelings of rejection which translates to a perpetual state of hurt and anger.
Yes, I agree the focus needs to stay on building/rebuilding – to get happier with our own lives and create new opportunities to feel successful in all areas to displace the unproductive thoughts and feelings of rejection and less than. It’s a good sign that you had a great time at the party!
Hi,
First off I cannot spell so apologies….I work in marketing which makes this even worse!!!!
I have been an avid reader of this site for some while but never spoken up,so here goes…all advice very very welcome.
I met someone back in October last year, I had been hurt before and was v cautious but he was super spersistent. We met on the internt and after a week of phonecalls and texts we went on our first date. I could tell he was nervous but we got on like a house on fire. He told me I was fascinating and constantly analysed me. I didnt mind having never had that sort of male attention before. After that date it went nuts, flowers sent to my work, 2 hour phonecalls every day, him driving hours to see me, and then ‘I love you’ (and wait for it…it came three weeks in) I know, I know. Massive Red flag, but I was so wrapped up. He cared, and we had the best of times whenever we were togther. Cut a long story short he went cold. He said from the beginning he had an issue with distance (me in Norwich him in Peterbourgh…not exactly that far), he was sent to Poland for work and he would only text a few times and then declared that he simply did not have time for a relationship. My world has fallen apart. How can someone be so callus and thoughtless. No explantation, nothing. If you love someone you do not do that.
He is 28 I am 26. I had never dated someone as young as him and he had never dated someone as young as me. He previous partners had been a lapdancer on anti-dpressants who he appartently never really loved, a friend who was terminally ill but he paid for her treatement and she recovered, and a 41 year old mother of two. (I don’t mean to list them as such I just wanted to give some background, I have often thought of contacting them as they are on his FB to ask them about him then realised I might be verging on nutter territory). He is worth a few million as he’s a serial entrepreneur, yet was never about money and he was terribly self deprevating and could not take a compliment.
I cannot get the bugger out of my head and he was only in my damn life for 3 months!!!! What the hell.
He has been back on the website we met on mot days (back on the day after he said he did not have time for a relationship).
I told him I had been hurt, I told him it was moving too fast and he said ‘just give me a chance’…great a chance to take my heart and stamp on it. He was so caring and thoughtful, we had not even slept togther as we waned to wait for a bit.
I am scared that I will never find someone I will click with again, and I can’t understand why he seemed so hell…
Hey Pommekat,
Well you know this guy is a nutjob right? It still hurts though…
Red flags everywhere. He told you that he didn’t have time for a relationship…but he likes the toying, the playing at it. Flowers, words.
He is a classic. Quotes distance, quotes ‘ Not Ready Yet’ ‘ ‘Not time yet’…blah de blah.
Yet you can see he’s back website trying… Same day stuff.Been there.
His list of relationships and who he is’ Worth Millions’ s frankly a crock.
Own up to the fact that you realise that and get on with recovery.
Stop stopping yourself. There are better guys out there, stop obsessing and put the three months down to experience. I do not minimise in any way the pain you felt but you bought into the fantasy he created. We have all done it.
He was appearing kind and thoughtful because you hadn’t slept with him yet. It wasn’t happening, so perhaps he cut his losses?
You will find someone again, stay on site and you will find someone a whole lot better than this tosspot.
Hi Lynda from L,
Thank you so much for your reply. I guess the bit I don’t get is, why dd we have such a great time together and how can he just get up and leave?
I will be completely honest I only started dating at 24 having previously been wrapped up my career and horse riding. I stumble about a bit, having no experience of these sort of men. I was cautious and I ask a shed load of questions. Is it wrong that when I asked him about his previous relationships and who ended them, he said him, in all instances. I over analyse, it’s what I do best I reckon. He deleted me of FB but yet still has his ex on there. I did nothing to him….is it guilt? He has several itms of mine that I have asked for back but he refuses to send them. One of great sentimental value. It’s like he knows he still has a hold. He even cried in front of me. How do you trust anyone after someone does this to you?
i’m so grateful for this site, like all of you. Natalie is a blessing for all of us. Thank you Nat, thank you so much.
I would love to hear some feedback on my story from all of you, as you are all so wise and you all give me so much strength with your posts.
I was dating a bipolar man for about a year, on and off. He broke up with me in the most violent way (by bbm) and without real explanations, after 7 months of relationship, during which i tried so hard to please him and keep him happy. I did not know he was bipolar. So i was blaming myself all the time, shoving my real desires in the back of my head and walking on eggshells so as not to make him angry. He had lots of weird moments, ups and downs, warmth and then extreme coldness within a few days, something a few hours.
After we broke up, I chased him for about 3 months, asking to see him, to get explanations. He more or less rejected every single attempt I made.
After I went NC, he started messaging me again after 2 weeks. I guess for an ego stroke, like Natalie says so wisely. I gave in after 4 weeks of NC (after not replying to 5-6 messages), and agreed to meet him to talk.
Of course he was so handsome and charming and i had suffered SO MUCH during our 4 months apart, that i decided to give it another go.
Two weeks later, he started being cold again, but i decided to ignore it, as i was so desperate for his love (which he never truly gave. He didnt say “i love you” after one year). To make a long painful story short, he broke up with me AGAIN after 3 months, again in the way brutal way.
In the beginning i went back to my old habits of begging and crying and chasing him, but after 2 days i immediately realized it wouldnt work and, most importantly, it would ruin my self esteem. So i stopped.
2 months of NC until today.
He emailed me today to ask for some stuff he had left at my house, some of which belong to his friends. He did not apologize for treating me so poorly. He just said he wished me a good new year and was certain 2012 would be better than 2011 because of all the things he put me through.
He also said he didnt want his friends to be “victims” of his behavior (so i should give their stuff back) and of his private life.
I’m left wondering: WHAT ABOUT ME? Is it OK if i’m victim? as long as him and his friends are not?
I won’t answer for now, will maintain…
So sorry for the pain you have been through with this nut job…remember, though, he does not want anything more than to ‘have the last word’ and feel like he is ‘winning’…..so throw out the junk he left at your house and keep on deleting those messages!!
If that stuff was so important he would have grabbed it up when you were still communicating anyhow!
hugs sister!!
H
I’ve become allergic to charm. I find it a complete and utter turnoff. Sorry to all you decent charming people out there.
Whatever charm is, it is NOT a guarantee of good character. In fact, it’s often used to mask a bad one. Don’t overvalue it.You’re well shot of him. Stick with the NC.
You won’t get an apology, if you do, it will be veiled in insults. Let thatgo as well.
“i tried so hard to please him and keep him happy” . ACs don’t appreciate that, they just use it to their advantage.
Drive by his house and chuck his stuff on the lawn. If that would only irritate him into engaging with you, drive by with a friend and get them to do the handover.
I totally agree grace,
‘Whatever charm is, it is NOT a guarantee of good character. In fact, it’s often used to mask a bad one. Don’t overvalue it.’
Charm to disarm..
That not to say that every charming man is an AC/EUM but every one of them I’ve come across has possessed this trait in great abundance. Now like you grace..it’s a turn-off for me because now I associate it with deception, insincerity and general talking out of the bum.
I was saying the exact same thing to my friend… I’m turned off by that too now!. I was a real sucker for the ‘devastatingly handsome and charming ones’ they all seem so self absorbed in the end and narcissistic and not capable of truly loving another person.
H, just keep walking….
Just my opinion, but I’d say mail back the stuff. No note, no meeting. Just get it off of your mind and out of your house. If it’s too bulky or heavy to mail, have a friend, NOT YOU, drop it off at his place of work (the reception desk).
Natalie, just recently i read – in one of your other articles – you mentioned the term “brain space”. You said, even if you’re doing NC… it will be harder to get past the break up faster because he’s still there with you – in thought. That term “brain space” really has been with me so much these past few days – and it has been helpful! I have given the AC too much brain space! So, as soon as i’m aware… As soon as thoughts of him crop up… i quickly remind myself against letting him have too much (or anymore) brain space. Bringing thoughts elsewhere is easy because I already know… giving him all this brain space will not be helpful to me. But, I also realized that – i dont have very much to think about. My mind can be empty sometimes. I guess it had been a habit thinking about him! 🙂 Im okay with not having much to think about. i am working on change… and, i expect to fill that empty space with helpful and more positive thoughts now that i am putting him out of the picture. Thank you Natalie, for helping me come to this realization!
Thank you so much Faith, Grace and Ixnay for replying! It’s my first time posting here. Feels good to know i’m not alone in this.
It’s funny how i’m still considering being “the good girl” (by returning his stuff, which he values a lot), even after the horrible way he’s treating me. I’m wondering whether because i’m still desperately hoping he will see the good in me, and come back, and finally love me, or it’s because i am a good person and i refuse to let evil behavior define me. What do you think?
Any has had experiences with bipolar people?
I don’t see returning the stuff as any kind of good girl syndrome. It will feel good to get it off your premises. Its the hopes behind the action, that he might value you more etc. — that’s magical thinking.
I don’t know how you found out he was bipolar — you said you didn’t know during the relationship? If he *really* is, he needs medication and being involved with him will be as taxing and thenkless as being with an alcoholic. You’d seriously need a 12-step program and your own therapy. It’s too much to take on.
My father was mentally ill. Never properly diagnosed, but he cycled from manic to depressive, and the manic phases went into a paranoid psychotic state with accompanying dangerous behavior, verbal abuse, and strange delusions.
He was also charming, very funny, super-bright, and had a gorgeous, Shakespearean baritone voice (and was English) that made everything he said sound profound. Up until he died he had women swooning for him — even when he was sick, broke, and homeless. I met one of these women when I went to visit him — in a hospital after he’d had a mild stroke. She was convinced they were going to have this glorious future, and she gave me no time alone with him. She took me out for lunch and said, “I understand he and your mother have a good post-divorce relationship.” I guess she wanted me to feel unthreatened and put this all on a “let’s be adults” footing. I just looked at her and thought, you have no effing clue. She didn’t know he was not a normal person. He was not in, and not capable of being in, any relationship she had in her head.
You cannot ask a mentally ill person to be a real partner, any more than you could a drug addict. My mother went through HELL and my brother and I were put in situations that could have killed us.
If this guy is bipolar, you do not have the Baggage Reclaim eum or ac, you’ve got a sick person whose behavior will not make sense and who cannot be reached with reason, kindness, love, constancy, forgiveness — they are on their own trip and trying to relate it to something you did or didn’t do will make you insane.
Thank you Ixnay for sharing your father’s story with me. It truly touched my heart, that you would share something so personal and intimate to help me see the truth about my own life.
The person i’m taking about told me himself that he was bipolar the first time we broke up, after i begged him to see him to get answers and explanations. He had just been diagnosed.
But you are absolutely right. He does not take medication and he made my life a living hell. I wouldnt dare asking you to share more than you have, but i am wondering if, in your experience, you recognized the fact of [leaving relationship violently and returning to them months later] as a pattern for bipolar people. I’ve read on hundreds on forums that this is very common.
I am not hoping that he will return, because I know it would destroy my life, but it’s very hard to close that chapter of my life, as I had only love for him, and in my unrealistic & unreasonable way of loving, i didnt want it to end.
I think any leaving-and-coming-back pattern would be highly individual; I don’t think you can generalize across all bipolar on that score.
I will say, however, that my father would often *seem to forget* all the things he’d said and done during his manic phases, and expect a normal family and marriage, and be perplexed that it wasn’t there. Also, he was not able to function in basic ways like doing taxes, insurance paperwork, etc., and despite the ways he’d villainized my mother, he found it quite natural that she would continue to do these tasks for him. And she did them for 15 years after their divorce. Not because she was a doormat or living in hope, but because by that point she had given up any expectations of adult or reciprocal behavior, but she cared about him like you would a blood relative, and there was nobody else to make sure he didn’t fall through the cracks of society.
You just don’t want to go down that road; you don’t want to be the point person and the one who “cares the most” for someone who can’t and will never be able to meet the most basic partnership needs. How my mother was able to grieve and let go, forgive, and remain this stabilizing force for him while at the same time making a new life for herself — somewhat miraculous.
Even with medication and therapy this guy will present many issues and moments of disappointment, confusion, and panic in his partner. You have a chance to get out clean now. You seriously do not want to be researching bipolar and nagging him to take his meds and experiencing that sinking feeling as he cycles from exuberant and loving to sullen and cruel over and over. You don’t want to be an expert on him. There’s no prize for that, just more of the same.
Great post! It is easier said than done to stop thinking about an ex. Even when you’re over this person there can be instances where something reminds you of him or her. I like how you recognize that this is okay. You just don’t to make an effort to think about them.
Love the website by the way.
I love what you say about letting yourself think about him for a specific period of time (say 10 minutes) and then getting on with life. That goes along with the “what you resist persists” theory. If you spend all day trying NOT to think of someone you are really thinking of them and feeling bad and guilty about that on top. If you let yourself then you spend less time and lose the guilt. I think that’s brilliant and I’m going to use it. I waste so much time feeling like I shouldn’t be having my feelings and forgetting the feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.
Hi,
My story goes as follows.
I met the EU guy at a one night stand. He was so gorgous, so I continued to see him. We became good friends, but after some time I fell i love with him. He told me he wasn`t ready for a relationship, that he would only hurt me, that he couldn`t give me what I needed and that he was a bad guy.
I then decided that I wouldn`t see him again and told him so. But after a couple of weeks, I missed him so much I reached out to him and we started seeing each other again.
The relationship basically turned into me being his rebound. He had just come out of a three year relstionship and I guess he was still hurting from that. But he was sending so mixed singnals. Sending me text from his tris from the other side of the world, wanting me to come on trips with him and just telling me his secrets.
Before Christmas I had bought him a present, but he told me he didn`t deserve it and told me to give it to someone else. That realy hurt my feelings and just stopped all contact with him. While I was on my vacation he told me that he wanted to see me, and wanted to know when I was coming home. I immediatley thought that he was going to apologies, but he never did. He told me that he had bought me a parfume, but the airport security had taken it from him. I don`t know if I should believe that, sounds like he was feeling a bit guilty.
When I came home I saw him again and he told me he realy wanted to be with me, but I was too young, I hadn`t slept with enough men and I was still living at home at that time. i didn`t know how to respond to that, so I didn`t say anythhing. Which i totally regret now.
So then came my birthday, he dind`t come . The day after I asked him if he had any feelings for me, and he said no. That he had no feelings at all, but he wished he had.
I again stopped all contact with him, but again I missed him so much I sent him a text saying that I missed him. He said he couldn`t realy say the same, as he had a girlfriend now. My heart just broke, I couldn`t believe it.
I realy tried to move on, and I did but I never realy grieved over him or my disapointment in myself. No one wanted me to be with him, so I felt I had to hide my feelings. After two years I started working at the same firm, just where he lived before. I didn`t realy know if should take the job, but I needed one so I hoped I wouldn`t see…
oops. I guess I wrote a very long story there.
Anyways, what I wanted to say is that I feel these EU guys make you the problem. It`s always you that are the reason for that they can`t fall in love with you or have a real relationship with you.
The hard part is the rejection, I am still struggling with that.
juwls
“He told me he wasn`t ready for a relationship, that he would only hurt me, that he couldn`t give me what I needed and that he was a bad guy”.
he told you what would happen, and that’s what happened.
It is hard. But you know what to do next time a man says that to you.
And friends don’t have sex, however young you are.
Don’t regret not saying anything. there’s nothing you can say that will change the status quo (other than “bye!”)
juwls, well i have to respond because your story is similar to mine. its the fact that these men are communicating that they dont want us, yet we seem to keep persisting. in regards to him insisting he bought you a perfume, my Mr EUM, also told me he bought he something overseas, but couldnt bring it because of having weight issues at the airport with his luggage, yeah sure (i asked him to bring me a simple necklace,). your guy lied just as my guy did. at the end of the day you feel like shit because you adore this person and know that you can bring alot into the relationship. the issue isn’t about you. he just doesnt want to try having a relationship with you. when a guy doesnt ‘care’ about you, theres nothing you can do about it. no amount of convincing or sex will make them want you. its funny, because at times i feel like shaking mr EUM and saying ‘why, wont you want me’, i know that sounds desperate. but its hard when you have feelings for someone and its one sided and then you start imagining how great the relationship would be if they gave you a chance. Rejection is the worst, especiallly when they reject you, move onto another and you feel that there is something ‘lacking’ in you. Remember there is nothing wrong with you. its them that didnt give you a shot to know you better and again, thats out of your hands. you need to look after yourself and not contact him. it looks like he would use you as a fallback girl, because he knows he has you. Do you really want to waste your time being this girl, when other women out there are having fabulous loving relationships. i think no, you want someone who is very much into you completely. your situation gives you something to learn about. don’t be like him. don’t reject people. i feel you need to expand your horizons. when you meet people, truly get to know them. i think because you are a caring and giving person, you will attract someone like you, whilst he will most likely attract selfish women. i believe in karma, and i believe that through this guys treatment of you, it doesnt reflect well in his character. you dont want someone like that, you want someone like you.
Hi,
Thanks for the replies.
I was 22 when I met him and just stoppes having bulimia. So I guess I wasn’ t actually emotionally stable.
I just dont undergravd why he was so mad at me for wanting closure?
So, am not shure If im ready to date again. It scares me…
Juwls
You won’t get closure from him. A break up is not a negotiation. He can do whatever stupid, thoughtless, careless, hurtful thing he wants to do (if you keep putting yourself in front of him). That’s his choice. Let it go.
If you get fired unfairly from a job, you could keep going back asking them why and demanding an explanation until security escorts you off the building. Or muster your self-respect and dignity and find something better. That no-one can take away from you.
He’s not God, he doesn’t hold the key to your life. It’s you.
I take issue with what jasmine says only because so many women think this way – that he didn’t give you a chance to prove yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself. You should never feel like you’re some kind of performer trying to impress a man with your beauty/body/ intelligence/ whatever. What is a man supposed to do for a woman? Cherish, love, protect. Not watch her jumping through hoops while he decides if she’s good enough. DON’T ENGAGE.
This article (and pretty much all your others) are exactly why I find it therapeutic to visit your site. It is a reminder that life is short. There is no dress rehearsal, so make this one count! We need to not waste time on those who do not deserve our time. When a person is rejected, it lowers their self-esteem. (Anyone who says otherwise is bee essing to the tenth power.) What we ultimately need in times of rejection and confusion – is confidence. Even if we are a pretty confident person, there are unfortunately some really manipulative jack bunnies [sic] {edited for viewer discretion } out there that have the ability to make some of the most confident people lose our sense of well-being. We need to know, (or rather, be reminded) that although there were things we may have done imperfectly, nobody’s perfect, and we are going to be okay, and this was not the best match. Life is amazing because it is unpredictable but also scary. We just need to focus on working on ourselves, learn from our mistakes, learn never to REPEAT said mistakes, start being fabulous and the best person we can be, so we can meet the best person for us. So whenever I start ruminating, I know I can always come here, and read about your ways to be confident, and it helps me remember that I am fabulous. I just need to let go, and let myself BE fabulous. So thank you for that.
Lisa, that was well said! As someone who was “disappeared on” recently, I keep hoping he’ll turn up. But I realize that he doesn’t DESERVE me, and I should not take him back. In the meantime, I have been punishing myself by not eating, not putting on makeup, not doing my nails. Like you said, I need to let myself be fabulous!
I recently realised that I have actually attracted these assclowns into my life, because I have never stood upon for myself. And this actually is true for friends as well. I had an ephiany last night that until I actually stand up for myself and put people in their place when they mistreat me, I will continue to attract assclowns. I usally just ignore these people and not say anything, but that actually is rejecting myself. I would never let a guy treat a friend of mine the same way this assclown treated me. I would be furious. But because I have never been thaught to stand up for myself, I have let others walk all over me. So my lesson in life is to bring out my sasha fierce… Enough is enough!!! I am starting karate in a couple of weeks and then I am offically done with assclowns, EUM and mistreatment. I am a strong woman!!!