1) Better to have loved (possibly foolishly) and lost, than to have held on tight to a poor relationship to the ends of time.
2) Valentine’s Day comes but once a year but the hangover from a dodgy move may last a lot longer. Be careful of being a reactive, short-term thinker without regard to the consequences – this is the very type of thing that we find annoying when we’re on the receiving end of it in dubious relationships. (Read my post on how Mr Unavailable is only thinking about right now.)
3) Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love and there’s no iron clad clause that says that you have to be in a couple. Love is love – that’s self-love and love from friends and family. Yes it’s nice to be in a relationship with someone that cares about and loves you, but it’s not so nice to be in a relationship where it is absent. In fact, you won’t have much of a relationship…
4) If loving someone else means that you can’t love you, always choose to love you. Nothing good will come of selling yourself down the river. It’s like making a pact with the devil and at some point you will realise that you’re emotionally bankrupt and as the person is used to getting what they have from you, they’re unwilling to compromise and give you back any respect. (Read my post on what is love and a good relationship)
5) Remember the ‘good times’ but add some perspective by looking at the whole picture. This will ensure that you don’t fall into the trap of using ‘nostalgia’ to make a call, text, turn up on his doorstep in a fur coat and no knickers. And remember, if you’ve done the whole getting back together thing before, ask yourself what will be different this time before you go and throw yourself under the proverbial bus. Remember, relationship insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – ask yourself why you believe that the fact that it’s V-Day should make a difference.
6) Be careful of isolating yourself by being trapped by your feelings. If you’re totally consumed by another person, especially someone who hasn’t treated you that well, you won’t be able to have any perspective. On a day like today, you may think it’s better to be alone and obsessing than it is to be out with other people, even though it may not be in a romantic capacity. All you’re doing is stalling the process and instead you need to work your way through your feelings and deal with any loss or pain that you feel. (Also read my posts on becoming isolated in relationships)
7) Sometimes it’s better to let things be. V-Day is one of those times where if you have a tendency to be laden with expectation, it’ll go up a notch or two. This turns the whole thing into a contrived affair and you communicate the wrong things about yourself. Try not to impose your ideas about the day – you may be pleasantly surprised. Obviously if they consistently don’t treat you well and don’t show you love, care, trust, and respect, then I’d make sure that your expectations are in line with this – don’t expect much, if anything at all. Also, don’t make assumptions like ‘Well if they really loved me, they’d have done X or bought Y’ because nobody is a mindreader.
8) Be careful of how you use V-Day to benchmark your relationship or your value. In fact, don’t benchmark your relationship based around the effort of just this one day. Be contextual because I’d rather someone consistently treated me well all year round than rolled out the relationship showtunes for one day. Not everyone places the same value on Hallmark days and you might write off someone who actually goes out of their way to show you that they care on many other days.
9) If you’ve already fallen off the saddle today and contacted/met up with/shagged an ex, chalk it up to experience when the glow has worn off. Don’t let it derail you. Sometimes you’ve got to ‘suck it and see’, i.e – you could spend a lot of braintime pondering the coulda/woulda/shoulda’s or you can put your hand in the fire, discover that it burns, and move on. If you haven’t read it already, read my ebook, The No Contact Rule or for a full on education on dodgy men, read my other ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
10) Don’t look at being single as that annoying time that passes between assclowns relationships. Yeah you’re not in a relationship but at least you’re not in an illusionary one with someone dodgy. Get on with life and enjoy living because being personally secure and not losing your mind over your relationship status will prevent you from operating out of a negative place. Don’t write yourself off – have faith that there is better out there for you and that in the meantime, you’re going to treat you as you want to be treated. In the meantime, tomorrow is a new day, and don’t disregard your feelings. If you want to cry, cry, and then get back up. You’re human, you love, and you want to be loved, but make sure you don’t have a desperate urge to be loved – it attracts ‘desperate’ types of people that exploit your own lack of self-love.
11) Be real. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s a duck. Hanging some lovehearts, a card, a dinner, a gift, some sex, or whatever it is off someone who is unworthy of your time doesn’t change the fact that they’re unworthy of your time. If someone doesn’t value you, it’s a sign that you need to move on. Know your value irrespective of who you’re with – it’ll ensure that you don’t keep yourself in bad company and you’ll keep your feet firmly in reality.
12) Tempting as it is to get lost in illusions, you will not get a real relationship with someone who is real if you persist. This is why it is important to be authentic so you can have authentic relationships. If you pretend, it’s a disrespect to yourself and potentially also to them. If you’re not treating yourself with love, care, trust and respect and wondering why someone can’t love you for you, look a bit closer to home and make sure you are being you.
Happy Valentine’s day everybody! xx
Your thoughts?
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NML, excellent article. After reading it, I felt positive and strong. V-day is just another day!
Thank you..
I was trying to avoid feeling sappy this day, following your tips and my friends, but somehow I find my self sad for a Mr. Unavailable who hasn’t even call. Asking why would be foolish because I know why. Still I held on to my illusions. I think I have done it simply because he is hot and it would be nice to be with somebody hot and show him around. It’s sounds stupid, silly, inmature, but is the only reason I can think of.
Happy VDay to all,
Loving youself or loving them, that can’t give back or don’t know how. It’s just a day on someone Calendar to get your money or make you feel bad about yourself. Count your Blessings!!!
@LadyDB couldn’t have put it better myself! LOL!…….
It is very lovely to do something cute and celebrate (I can vouch for tha myself!) but you can do something cute and celebrate that loving feeling any moment, any day, any time…..
Why does one have to feel bad about not making a big show of affection on Valentine’s Day?
Thank you !
I cried it was frustrating that after 4month of NC it still hurt, I guess i have no family where i live not many friends so i feel isolated, I know he was not right for me I just need to tel myself that i do not need any drama I got this :).
Thank you for posting the thought of contacting him was coming in mind like every 5 min this will help a lot
@Naaz….I too am at 4 months NC and still very very sad. But V-Day wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I kept busy, O’ yes I wanted to text but I re-read alot of NML’s posts and it did give me perspective.
Tomorrow the sun will come up just as it always has and I go on with my journey.
I am convinced you are a gift from God, because of your amazing insight and the fact that you must help hundreds of thousands of women, who are intelligent enough to understand you, but who are unable to deal well in the romantic arena, for whatever reason…..
I would like to thank you not only for my free copy of the NO CONTACT RULE that you awarded me,but also for your care towards all of the women who read your posts and your obvious passion to educate …..im a woman with children and grandchildren, who look up to me and need me, but who have scratched their heads in disbelief as I have struggled for 6 years with a Mr. Unavailable who has screw
ed my head round and almost lead me to the bankruptcy courts !!
Why couldn’t I see it? i can now, and I’ve ended it, and my friends and family don’t believe it, because I’ve been so controlled, but I woke up 2 weeks ago!!…how? I don’t know, something just clicked off and I believe its because all your words came true !!
Thankyou and I know that I would have been lost if I couldn’t have come here when I needed to get through the next day….x
What a great post!!! Valentines day brings so many conflicting emotions!!
I spent Valentine’s day researching articles and watching Youtube videos about Narcissistic personality disorders. That kept it VERY real for me.
So I know now every time I feel like I might have had a real relationship, I can revisit those sites and realize I never had a chance.
Another great post! I agree with gill – this site has helped me tremendously – which made this the BEST Valentine’s Day ever! I have decided to love me, be my own valentine, and I had an awesome weekend w/ my friends and family – people who care about me and love me. I didn’t waste another day on an unsatisfying relationship where I put in all the effort and got nothing back in return. Every day that I work on myself and living the life I want, I am giving more and more to me, not an EUM. I am feeling great and plan to keep this up until I truly love myself so much that I will never allow another EUM to even dip a little toe into my life!
I’m sorry, NML. I didn’t feel any of that yesterday. It just sucked in spades. Sometimes I cannot pretend I don’t want or long for love. I cannot think myself onto the bright side or be positive about how lonely it feels, or rationalize why everything else I have in life is enough.
Today may be better than yesterday because I have grim determination to try to think of other things.
But Valentine’s Day as a single not in a mutually healthy, loving relationship just sucked.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Clouds =-.
I dropped in on a friend yesterday who had the tv on to a channel that was running a day of dysfunctional love movies ! Nothing like a little balance to the usual greeting card sentiments. Also just finished a great little book called Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, that explained very clearly how we all tend to seek love and approval from others, especially partners, how hopeless that is and and how we will only be satisfied when we know that love and approval from deep within ourselves.
However, I do believe that all the self love and approval is no match for the worst of the EUM/ arseclowns of this world, if you are unawares. It is human nature to want to ” help.” So pay close attention to the reality of how it is going when you find yourself involved with difficult people waving red flags !
I had a wonderful illusion free Valentines day, I am happy to say I am finally free of the wanting and wishing of the EUM to become a solid and stable guy. And I am now so wise to all that goes on with the drama of people who like it flaky and unstable. I am grateful to this NML for this site and for everyone here in the past year, as I worked emotionally to get myself out of that disheartening relationship .
After 4 months of an up and down relationship, AC broke things off with me in December siting that he had winter depression and didn’t want to be close with anyone and preferred to be friends. Within that time frame he started seeing someone else as a girlfriend saw him with the new woman. After sending him seething emails, and receiving his responses, I finally decided to let go of my anger towards him (at least in his eyes). Over the past 2 months I’ve been holding it together and haven’t lashed out at him like I would have done in past relationships. On Valentine’s Day he sent me red roses / red carnations with a simple card that read “Happy Valentines Day”. As it’s proper manners to call and say thank you, I did, and left a simple message that the flowers were beautiful and thank you. That was almost a week ago and because I haven’t heard from him, I’ve spiraled down again. AC sends me flowers on VDay, when he’s still seeing someone else and thinks that that’s not the wrong message? Yes, I know, he sent them because he’s an AC.
@skelly No problem at all!
@leeluh Well at least you’re honest and what you do know is that you’re valuing and lusting for illusions – you like the surface of him but there’s not much substance. At least you know what you need to work on – getting real. What use is an unavailable hot guy?
@LadyDB Amen!
@Naaz It can be difficult being away from family as you’ll want to reach out to the next most familiar. Maybe start focusing on gradually building up your life and making new friendships.
@MaryC I know it must have been tough. “Tomorrow the sun will come up just as it always has and I go on with my journey.” – Amen!
@Gill Gosh that’s so lovely and thank you for your kind and generous words. It is heartwarming to hear that you’ve had some sort of epiphany moment. At some point we realise that enough is enough. Bankruptcy? Oh *hell* no! Better to see it than to never see it. At least you can start getting back your life. Yes it will hurt but you have people around you that are looking out for you, including me, hugs xxx
@Debbie Thank you! It’s a tough day – I’ve been there, but it gets better.
@Rokstarr Excellent comment that elicited a giggle. Real is best even when it’s uncomfortable. You don’t stand a chance with a narcissist – it’s like David vs Goliath and Hyde
@Shoelvr Amen, amen, amen! Love is not just about men otherwise we’ll be bereft when we don’t have one. Nurture and enjoy yourself – stick with it and stick with you. In time, you’ll meet someone far more worthwhile than any EUM xx
@Aurora In light of your comment on the post that followed, I’ll hold that thought 😉 Glad you have some perspective on things x
@Aphrogirl I think you’re right to an extent about the human nature to help, however, when we have decent self-esteem, we realise how dangerous it is to try to fix, heal, and help someone else’s problems that existed long before you were there. These people who need ‘help’ have little or nothing to give. Congrats on enjoying V-day – flaky and unstable is a headache and what wonderful progress to no longer want him. You are healing and your self-esteem will no doubt be picking up. Good for you! x
@Sam An AC alllllll the way. Don’t dignify him with anymore attention. All you can do is learn from the experience and now you know that he’s a ‘hollow man’ – illusionary with no substance. The moment he started seeing someone straight after his winter depression excuse, is the moment you knew he was a lying jackass. Winter depression my arse – that’s one of the best I’ve heard! It’s not about you – he’s an AC and he says and does what suits him best to gets his needs met. He told you a lie to make you feel sorry for him and opt himself out of responsibility – talking to him is futile. I feel sorry for his new ‘girlfriend’ – he’s a lying flake.