Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

Podcast Ep. 34: Charm & Disarm, What’s Your Money Story?, Single, WHAT?!

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The Baggage Reclaim Sessions PodcastIt’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 34, I cover:

Very charming people: We can all be charming at times, such as when we’re flirting, but this is very different to people who, when you think about what it is that stands out about them, it’s that they’re very charming and that you became aware of this due to certain issues that you encountered with them, including struggling to forge intimacy because their ‘charm’ keeps you at a distance and an unwillingness to face and address issues.

What’s your money story?: Back in March, I featured an Advice Wednesday where the reader’s husband had become increasingly controlling once she gave up her higher paying job after having their first child and I explained about how our associations with money influence how we relate to it including whether we get triggered in certain situations. After getting so many emails about this topic ever since I answered this question, I decided it was time to explore the themes I mentioned in the show.

Just because they can, it doesn’t mean that they have to: Have you asked somebody to help you out with something only to be met with no, even though you feel that they can help you out? I explain why even though you might feel that they can help out or that they have the means to, for instance, lend you money, that they don’t have to and this could be a really good time to explore what’s the real issue behind their no.

Listener Question: This week’s listener question is about what to do when you’re single and your loved ones keep prying into your love life.

What I Learned This Week: Em gets really obsessive about things–he’s currently on an exercise buzz–and I realised that I actually admire his enthusiasm.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use.  If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

If you love the podcast and you listen via iTunes, I’d love if you could leave a review (instructions at the bottom) as it helps to spread the word about the podcast. And tell your friends–it all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

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Podcast Ep.8: Inappropriate Remarks To Singles, Do You ‘Get Over’ Abandonment and Abuse?, Guilty or Not Guilty?

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Woman asking, "Why are you still single?" and other woman thinking, "Why are you so nosey?"

It’s that time of the week again – there’s a new episode of my podcast, The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I can’t believe it’s been eight weeks already!

Here’s what I cover in episode 8:

Those inappropriate and insensitive remarks to singles: When I was single, I felt like one of those bad date clowns because I would see people at social events and they’d expect to be entertained with my latest dating debacle. I also found that like a lot of people, I was questioned a hell of a lot about my choices and had my private life prodded and poked into. Turns out, not much has changed since then and I really feel for singles who encounter this so I offer my take and some suggestions for not letting these folks get to you.

Do we ever ‘get over’ abandonment and abuse?: This is one of my most frequently asked questions but it’s a question that needs to be rephrased as we may be tasking ourselves with something that gives us the impression of arriving at a particular destination. I talk about what has helped me alter my perspective and heal.

Why do we keep saying how guilty we feel?: I talk about guilt and the importance of not just ascertaining whether you’re actually guilty of something but also ensuring that you don’t end up bathing in guilt (and avoiding taking action) and instead, use the emotion to do something positive that will help you to learn from the experience and move forward.

Listener Question – Should I tell my friend’s friend how annoyed she is?: When a friend complains about a mutual friend who you’re not that close with and you feel badly for him/her, it can be tempting to get involved to help your friend address the situation and feel better but don’t – the messenger is likely to be shot!

What Nat Learned This Week: I do wonder why I have a paper diary and a calender synced up across all devices if I still end up overscheduling myself because I’m looking at a day rather than looking at the context of the week. Doh!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use.  If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

12 Empowering Thoughts for Valentines Day

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pink heart of stoneIt’s Valentine’s Day and whilst some of you are enjoying yourselves, either in your own company, hanging with friends and family, or maybe with a new ‘significant other’, some of you will be in slushy mushy hearts hell, reminiscing about V-Day’s gone by where you were with the object of your thoughts (even if it wasn’t all that great) and wonder why you’re not part of a duo on Noah’s relationship ark. Long time readers will know that single or not, I’ve never been big on V-Day (on my personal blog today, I wrote about when I got engaged and considered climbing out of the restaurant window a few minutes later – yes really!) and so are here 10 quick thoughts to empower you to get things in perspective:

1) Better to have loved (possibly foolishly) and lost, than to have held on tight to a poor relationship to the ends of time.

2) Valentine’s Day comes but once a year but the hangover from a dodgy move may last a lot longer. Be careful of being a reactive, short-term thinker without regard to the consequences – this is the very type of thing that we find annoying when we’re on the receiving end of it in dubious relationships. (Read my post on how Mr Unavailable is only thinking about right now.)

3) Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love and there’s no iron clad clause that says that you have to be in a couple. Love is love – that’s self-love and love from friends and family. Yes it’s nice to be in a relationship with someone that cares about and loves you, but it’s not so nice to be in a relationship where it is absent. In fact, you won’t have much of a relationship…

4) If loving someone else means that you can’t love you, always choose to love you. Nothing good will come of selling yourself down the river. It’s like making a pact with the devil and at some point you will realise that you’re emotionally bankrupt and as the person is used to getting what they have from you, they’re unwilling to compromise and give you back any respect. (Read my post on what is love and a good relationship)

5) Remember the ‘good times’ but add some perspective by looking at the whole picture. This will ensure that you don’t fall into the trap of using ‘nostalgia’ to make a call, text, turn up on his doorstep in a fur coat and no knickers. And remember, if you’ve done the whole getting back together thing before, ask yourself what will be different this time before you go and throw yourself under the proverbial bus. Remember, relationship insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – ask yourself why you believe that the fact that it’s V-Day should make a difference.

Guest Post: You can be a ‘Nice Guy’ but I need you to keep your balls and be a ‘man’

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bare chested slim guy with boxing gloveHot Alpha Female writes…

Recently I had to travel to the US, and one particular issue kept coming up.

My travelling buddy, while really sweet and easy going, was slowly driving me insane. I thought I was going to pull my own hair out and wanted to give him a happy pill or something, just so he would be able to talk faster instead of taking 5 minutes to think of a response to anything I said! My main frustration was that this guy could not make a decision for the life of him!! He was travelling with me because he is meant to be that little bit more savvy, but honestly it would have been better travelling with a stuffed toy!

So here is the thing: This guy could not make a decision, said YES to everything that I asked him, and seemed to have no sense of opinion himself, and on top of that was a complete and utter people pleaser! I don’t know about you guys, but isn’t this something that you would find just irritating? Mind you, some of you may be thinking that it would be great to have such an easy going traveling buddy…

Guest Post: Why YOU Are The Problem: The Repeater Boyfriend

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lots of fishI know I know – A lot of you may be thinking: what is Hot Alpha Female on about now?! Well let me explain because I guarantee that a lot of you have been in this situation. This post came from a realisation that I came across today. It was quite shocking actually .. made me feel a little sick

What am I referring to exactly? What is the repeater boyfriend?

The repeater boyfriend is essentially a guy that you are currently dating that is a replica of all your ex boyfriends. Just with a slightly different car, haircut, and brand of jeans.

Are you really lonely for a boyfriend?

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770719_alone_in_the_park_1.jpg“Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.” Source Wikipedia

Recently I wrote about not looking for happiness with a man. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have happiness with a them; it’s more that you shouldn’t see men as the sole source of joyous happiness. Being single shouldn’t be regarded as that miserable time that you pass in between relationships, as you’re likely to end up miserable with a man, which sort of defeats the purpose…. A recurrent theme in the comments though was accentuated with the question ” How do we deal with the loneliness?”

It’s not down to me to invalidate how someone feels, but it is down to you to check out the validity of your statements and beliefs because if you don’t, you not only cling to incorrect assumptions and beliefs, but you make poor decisions as a result of them. ‘Loneliness’ is a very big word and if you are fortunate enough to have people who love you in your life and whom you love, even if they’re not a boyfriend, it shouldn’t be taken for granted. There is nothing wrong with desiring a boyfriend/life partner or whatever you want to call him but being ‘lonely’ for one can give off a desperate vibe to men that isn’t attractive.

Don’t look for happiness with a man

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The search for a dream relationship where you find a soulmate who is exactly as you dreamed he would be and you think, act and want the same things may start out innocently, but depending on how attached you become to the search, can actually turn you commitment-phobic. After all, it’s difficult for any man to live up to the elusive criteria that you have in your head, create the special feelings that you think you’re going to feel, and sustain them too.

If you ever did meet someone who came close to your version of ‘soulmate’, you’d no doubt end up disappointed or frustrated at some point because they can’t say, do, and make you feel everything you want all of the time. What are you going to do when they have an off hour, day, week, month, several months or even a year?

10 Tips On How to Survive the Wedding Season

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Weddings are hard work to greater and lesser extents for all people involved, but when you’re single, it takes a special type of resilience to not end up being a bit po-faced.

Don’t have high expectations about there being any totty. I am yet to attend a wedding where there has been any good looking totty awaiting the attentions of the single women. There do tend to be a lot of couples at weddings so rather than going there and thinking you’re going to meet a hot guy and become the next great romance, expect the worst and hope for the best. You may end up being pleasantly surprised.

Get over any insecurity’s you have about being single before the wedding season starts. Embrace your single status rather than wallowing in misery, otherwise your patience will wear very thin, very quickly, when you have people making stupid comments about catching the bouquet, always being a bridesmaid, never the bride, and pondering aloud why you’re still single.

Don’t rock up to the wedding a hard-faced, jaded, cynical, single as it does radiate from you and you won’t exactly have a welcoming demeanour for any potential single guys that are there. Plus you won’t look good in photos.

Get drunk if you can handle it – but don’t overdo it if you’re the type that starts weeping into her glass of wine singing ‘All by myself’ by the end of the evening.

If you have the option to bring someone, bring a female friend. Rather than raiding every bar in town looking for a guy that’s suitable enough to bring with you, or bringing your booty call, or the male friend that you secretly fancy, bring a good female friend. Do you really want to spend an uncomfortable day with someone you barely know that you may already regret choosing in haste? Do you really want to bring your booty call when you may end up wanting more than a no frills arrangement that you’re unlikely to get? Do you want to end up trying it on with your male friend only to end up making a fool out of yourself?

Don’t shag or snog someone else’s boyfriend/husband. Trust me, it’s never a good idea to do this but even less so at a wedding. Plus if you get caught, your reputation will take quite a knocking and you’ll definitely regret it.

Look hot to trot – but don’t upstage the bride. When you look good, you feel good, so get your hair done, slip on a lovely outfit and put on a pair of heels that make your legs look amazing but that you can hopefully still walk in by the time the dancing starts.

Lie or have some killer lines at the ready. I know you’re single but if the questions get really tedious, tell them about your (non existent) hot boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he’s on business. If you do humour, wit, or sarcasm well, you could always give trite answers to their questions..

Be social. Weddings are great for meeting people whether you end up making friends, networking, or being introduced to someone for a blind date/set up at a later date.

Enjoy yourself! Weddings are happy occasions so eat, drink, be merry and dance your arse off!

Surviving Christmas Whether You’re Single or Attached

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Tis the season to be jolly. Or is it called a holiday? However you celebrate this season, it can, for some people, put pressure on you whether you’re single or in a relationship. Before you crack up altogether, remember the following:

1) In essence, it’s one day out of 365 and whilst I recognise that it’s a special day during a special season mostly driven by Hallmark. It’s not worth tearing your hair out over and it’s better to keep it in perspective.

2) If you’re single and musing over the gift you may have gotten if you had a significant other in your life, buy yourself the present or at the very least treat yourself to something nice. Single isn’t about waiting for someone to ride up on their white horse and treat you to stuff. Own your own happiness!

3) Much as you may want to throttle family members at times, remember that with any luck you can go back to normal within a few days. I found that I really appreciated time with my crackerjack family when stopped cursing their quirky ways and accepted that this was my family warts and all and started to enjoy them.

4) However, that said, don’t think that just because it’s the festive season that you should allow friends or family to take advantage of you and belittle your lifestyle choices. Don’t go starting World War III but do nip it in the bud if you feel yourself getting upset. Either tell them in a non confrontational way that their comments are hurtful, give back as good as you get or learn to shrug it off. I know some people that drink away the comments but I don’t recommend that for everyone!

5) Try not to stress too much over presents. It is the thought that counts, not how much money you’re throwing at everyone. Don’t leave yourself penniless in an effort to keep up with the Jones. Set a budget, do a list or if you’re shopping savvy, do your shopping last minute as a hell of a lot of shops reduce the prices on products that you had to pay full price for if you were actually organised about when you bought them.

6) If in doubt about what to get your partner, ask.

7) If in doubt about what to spend on your partner, agree a limit as to what you’ll both spend if that makes you feel more comfortable.

8) Some people I know are waiting till after Christmas and going shopping in the sales with their significant others.

9) Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. The festivities do end and you may be left with the sour taste of resentment to put up with next year.

10) Enjoy yourself! If you really can’t do that, book a last minute break somewhere and escape to peace and quiet elsewhere and get some R&R (rest and relaxation).

11) Don’t do booty calls, Friends Who F*ck/F*ck Buddies/Tings, flexing the digits for an ex or sit at home waiting for a Mr Unavailable or Married Man to call. This is a sure-fire way to ruin the holiday and will exacerbate feelings of loneliness or frustration which you may worsen by trying to repeat the behaviour all over again. If you’re involved in any of these situations, make other plans, be busy, don’t text back straight away and don’t stare into space pining over these people. It’s a waste!

12) Don’t have too much pride. If you have no plans for the season, don’t reject plans that are offered to you just because you don’t want to appear lonely. Accept the plans and enjoy! If you’re happy with your own company, that’s great but if you’re going to stay home and rant and sob, go with the plans and save yourself some Kleenex.

13) Be safe with contraception. If you don’t want to be having a baby next September, remember to take your pill or make sure he has his mac on, or both!

How To Curb That Sexual Infatuation

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So it seems that there is a scientific reason as to why us ladies sometimes obsess over one night stands – According to the Jan issue of the UK Cosmopolitan, if and when we are lucky enough to reach orgasm, our body releases the ‘trust drug’ oxytocin which “floods your brain and persists for several days, hence the temporary infatuation” and “Sense only returns once the floodgates have closed.”

Well, well, well!

I’m a very strong advocate of the rule that one night stands are normally one night stands for a reason and rarely end in wedding bells; however that infatuation feeling is a bitch to deal with. So there are clearly two options with this:

Keep the legs firmly closed and avoid going back to your one nighter for a rematch, as this will only start the whole infatuation feeling all over again…

OR

Hope and pray that you have one night stands with guys that don’t cause you to orgasm…

I say go with the first option!

On another more important note though, this little nugget of knowledge has far wider reaching implications for women that engage in booty calls, ‘tings’, ‘Friends Who F*ck (FWF)’ and trying to shag a relationship out of emotionally unavailable men and already attached men. I’ve have written before about The Justifying Zone which is that slippery slope area that women who have had sex too soon or slept with an unsuitable man fall into after having sex. We continue to sleep with them and persist in trying to string together a relationship because it’s our subconscious way of having a viable excuse for sleeping with them in the first place which means we have to ignore their dubious qualities and possible red flags whilst we’re at it.

Dysfunctional sex, which is that great sex you have with someone you shouldn’t be having it with that is charged by underlying negative and dependent emotions, also thrives in these situations.

It is comforting now to know that this ‘trust drug’ oxytocin is fuelling a lot of this behaviour, which means that if awareness of its existence and the ability to keep the legs closed for longer periods of time to let your brain return to it’s logical format, could help you break dodgy vicious relationship cycles. Sex is a weapon that can render us ill-equipped to deal with the emotional onslaught from certain types of sexual situations and this is another reminder for us that if we want to get good relationships going with suitable guys, keeping yourself on lockdown for that little bit longer could pay off for you in spades. Good luck!

7 Signs That You Need To Stop Dating For a While

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1. You keep waking up the morning after first dates in either someone else’s bed or your own feeling regretful about letting him get into your pants. Either close your legs and have a sex break or quit dating all together until you’re ready to date differently.

2. You keep going out with the same types and ending up with the same results. Nothing. To. Show. Get to the root of why you keep going for your ‘type’ and change your habit.

3. You’re cynical and no matter how nice the guy is, you’re unlikely to trust that he is what he is anyway. There is no point in dating when you have this mentality.

4. You’re still not over your ex. Nuff said.

5. You’re in love with somebody else. Sort out that ‘somebody’ or get over them and move on.

6. You struggle to remember what’s happened on dates because you keep getting drunk.

7. You’re afraid of commitment – The deep rooted fear will only turn every potential relationship into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.