It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 34, I cover:
Very charming people: We can all be charming at times, such as when we’re flirting, but this is very different to people who, when you think about what it is that stands out about them, it’s that they’re very charming and that you became aware of this due to certain issues that you encountered with them, including struggling to forge intimacy because their ‘charm’ keeps you at a distance and an unwillingness to face and address issues.
What’s your money story?: Back in March, I featured an Advice Wednesday where the reader’s husband had become increasingly controlling once she gave up her higher paying job after having their first child and I explained about how our associations with money influence how we relate to it including whether we get triggered in certain situations. After getting so many emails about this topic ever since I answered this question, I decided it was time to explore the themes I mentioned in the show.
Just because they can, it doesn’t mean that they have to: Have you asked somebody to help you out with something only to be met with no, even though you feel that they can help you out? I explain why even though you might feel that they can help out or that they have the means to, for instance, lend you money, that they don’t have to and this could be a really good time to explore what’s the real issue behind their no.
Listener Question: This week’s listener question is about what to do when you’re single and your loved ones keep prying into your love life.
What I Learned This Week: Em gets really obsessive about things–he’s currently on an exercise buzz–and I realised that I actually admire his enthusiasm.
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Nat xxx
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First time commenter, been reading for a year – just want to say thank you; your site is the undeniable confirmation of my secret suspicions about what’s going on with me… Suspicions that have been mounting throughout 5 years of one unavailable relationship & going on 4 of another… you’ve helped me make sense of something so maddening, so frustrating, so soul-destroying…Thank you … !! xxxx
Yeah, you are right! Money influence everything including relationships.
Hi ladies,
Just posting because I’m having a very tough day. My ex has moved on. He was a total “charm and disarmer” when we were first together. We dated for almost 2 years, but he turned out to be very controlling and often mean (through withholding love and affection and other manipulative actions if he didn’t like what I was doing).
Anyways, I had doubts about the future of the relationship (all of which stemmed from his behaviour) and when I expressed these, he ended things. Since then he went on a rampage of dating every young and beautiful young woman he could (very young I might add). It’s been horrible to know about and yet, I still can’t get him out of my head.
I made a very strong effort to go NC and was successful for almost 9 months now. But this last two weeks he seems to be on a social media campaign to promote his new love.. it’s so painful but I can’t seem to stop looking! I know that’s the only solution (to stop looking entirely), but it has been very hard. I disabled all of my social media accounts and plan to keep it that way for the summer. But he and his new lady friend both post stuff publicly, so it takes sheer will power not to look.
Even though I know rationally he is total bad news, I see the pics of them together having a great time camping and at the beach, etc. and it kills me. I feel so low today. I know she’s probably on cloud nine right now, thinking that she has met the most amazing man, just as I did when he was charming me. I would say she’ll probably have the same experience as I did, but I think they’ll probably last because he’s at the age where he wants to get married and have kids soon. He told me that. So they’ll probably last, and that’s so painful.
I really need to let go and continue moving on, so I’m going to read some of Nat’s old posts and go back to counselling. 100% I know I need to stop looking. It’s just so hard not to when it’s right there at the click of a button.. but so painful to see :(.
Anyways, any suggestions would be great for moving on. This jackass charmer has charmed his way into my heart and I seem to never be able to get him out, no matter how badly he treated me and how wrong he was for me in the end. All I can remember are the early days and the sweet things he said and did and the way he made me feel. He was so wonderful and I keep feeling like I did something wrong, even though rationally I know he just needed something/someone else.
Okay, this is a testament to time and space.. after feeling terrible an hour ago when I posted that, I went for a walk on my lunch break and had a bit of a cry. A friend of mine said that a counselor told her to do this when you’re feeling bad. It releases the built up sad energy and helps you to heal and grieve faster. Afterwards I went for a walk around the shopping district near where I work and browsed a bookstore. I saw a book on Paris and decided I’m going to save up and take a trip there next year. I also bought myself a ring and have decided to wear it on my ring finger. I am officially dating myself for now! Yay!!
Anyways, NC has been the reason I got this far in my healing from this deceptively charming man and NC will be the way I continue to move forward and keep moving away from him and the relationship and the pain he caused me. She can have him! Seriously.. good riddance.
In the words of Dory, the fish, “just keep swimming..” (away from these types of people). Eventually it gets easier.
Thanks!
Brea stay strong im going through something similar i have good days and bad, my ex keeps coming back into my life last time was my birthday in May we slept together he was confused blah blah ive had no contact with him 2 months he has girlfriend too now, its hard but days i still want him badly but no i am better off without him he cheats with every women he ever been with and hes 57 now he will not change.
Hi Brea, I’m sorry to hear of your EUM story. I was just reading an older post of Nat’s (mid-June) and I think you’d commented there too – also about the social media pictures your ex had posted. I’ve read BR for years & flit back here when I feel like I need a bit of BR therapy for whatever reason – EUM encounters, or boundary maintenance or a self-esteem/confidence boost. At the moment, I really think & feel that I need to bring myself back into the BR family fold again! Hello y’all!!!! Although I’ve deleted my Facebook account entirely a few months ago, I still often find myself searching for ex-boyfriends on Instagram, or their public profiles on Facebook etc – so I don’t know if I’m the best person to offer advice here, Brea, but I suppose I do also want to offer some solidarity, and also empathy – I know how hard it is to summon the willpower not to look. But we need to ask ourselves why would we want to willingly inflict pain on ourselves? In effect, that’s what we’re doing by looking. Perhaps you can relate, but I think I do it because I’m looking for some verification that they’re getting what they deserve (ie a broken heart etc) – because that’s what they did to us? It’s like I want to see evidence of the universe’s karma! But Brea, I’m not sure it works that way. So all I can offer is reiteration of what you’d posted after your original comment. Keep yourself busy – go for a walk/run/swim, listen to some music, cook some super-nourishing food for yourself, read a good book, catch up with good non-judgey friends. Immerse yourself in BR. Things will get better, I promise. And every time that you’re tempted to keep a peek at his page, ask yourself, “why hurt myself?”. Treat yourself with love, care, trust and respect first and foremost. Take care of you, and be kind to you. Don’t seek out an absolution from these eejits on social media, because we won’t get one. And on that note, may I throw a short story out to you & the BR-world?! I am currently in my home town presently staying with my aunty (I don’t live far away from where I grew up – about an hour’s drive in Australia), as I am working here at the moment. Anyhoo, I went for a walk up a mountain yesterday evening with my dog (in the pouring rain, I might add). As old BR readers may recall, this is where eejit EUM & I met three years ago. Anyway, I thought it was possible that I’d bump into him, but given it was pouring rain, I thought this was unlikely (also, I actually slightly didn’t care if I did or not). Anyway, I had to duck past the shops on the way home to get some bread, and I noticed his car in the carpark. I thought – bugger it, I’ve just walked the mountain and didn’t care, I can go into these shops. So of course I happen to walk past him on my way in. He was staring intently (I think he knows I’ve moved away) and I just took a glimpse and looked away (I’m quite shy by nature so this probably wasn’t all that intentional!). Anyway, I duck in & out with my bread & his car is still there. What the?! And I could glimpse the light from a phone inside the car. So over-the-top Nel’s brain goes haywire. Is he watching which car I get into? Is he seeing if I’m back where I used to live? Why hasn’t he just driven away?! Is he going to say something to me? SHIT A BRICK, IS HE GOING TO APOLOGISE? Is he hiding in my back-seat (unlikely, the real Nel – my dog – was in there). Anyway, I’m wondering if I can fathom the resolve to walk the mountain again this afternoon. Now that he knows my car, I don’t know if he’d brave it if he sees mine parked at the bottom. He’s stalkerish, in an avoiding way (there’s an old post by Nat called “Sometimes Embarrassment / Shame Stops A Person From Making Attempts To Remedy A Situation Or Get In Touch”). Anyway, I just thought I’d throw this situation out to the BR world. I don’t think there’s much point to it, other than getting it all out of my head. Thanks girls. Nel xo
Sorry to hear your story Bel and thanks for your words of support. Feeling a bit better today with a bit of up and down.
Your ex sounds like he was shocked to see you and maybe wanted to talk. But if you know he’s bad news, then I would ultimately say it’s not worth it. Walk the mountain if you genuinely want to, but if you think you’ll run into him, you may just want to avoid it for awhile until you know you are truly healed. It’s best to stay away from toxic exes, even if you have to modify your schedule and habits, in the name of no contact. It’s the only way to truly heal. Good luck!
Sorry.. Autocorrect.. *Nel
I feel like this is an appropriate place to leave this: For twenty some odd years, I was attracted to all the wrong things: charm, bad morals, severe addictions, etc., in men. Four years ago I read Mr Unavailble and the Fallback Girl. Then I decided to work on myself. A lot. And now I can’t even imagine being attracted to the men I once was. It can change. It takes work and patience though. And no contact, of course. That one really is the most important I think.