It’s time for a Why Did We Break Up? episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I’m so excited as I’m loving these special editions of the show.
In this second episode (if you missed the first, go to episode 41), Steve is reeling from his recent divorce from Danielle after sixteen years together. They met in 2000 via mutual friends at a club in London and with her being 9 inches taller, he didn’t think he stood a chance with her. Both were grappling with their hurts and issues from previous relationships and proceeded into a tempestuous long-distance relationship. One year down the road, just as they were trying to figure out whether to continue, they found out they were pregnant. Steve, despite the divorce and Danielle having started up with a co-worker before things had ended, is still hoping to win her back and is accepting most, if not all of the blame for the demise of their relationship. I help him to figure out, Why did we break up?
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Nat xxx
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Wow, here’s an example of a male thinking he’s not quite good enough, so he is an Olympic level people pleaser to the female. I agree that this relationship was never on firm ground. It’s the kind of relationship that uses external markers to validate itself – a baby, a house, 16 calendar years. But I suspect the female never had both feet in, at any point, for a lot of baggage related reasons she has yet to uncover. I think he had both feet in, but, I wonder if it was really about him having found his soulmate, or him “proving he was good enough” for someone to stay with him for the long term…or simply to win the love of someone he placed on a pedestal.
I like this “Why Did We Break Up” feature precisely for its ability to wipe the cobwebs from the eyes of people who swear that “everybody” who is coupled off has the secret to lasting love and we non-coupled people are the hapless ones who can’t make things work.
And what is this quest for unconditional love? I am really concerned that many people think love is “Bachelor/Bachelorette” type malarkey. That’s not love.
To me, in this case, “love” would have been the two parents together telling that little girl the she had to sleep in her own bed because the big bed is for Mommy and Daddy. And I am not referring to just the sex part, I am referring to the comfort of emotional rejuvenation with someone who is both at your side and on your side.
A phrase like “independent strong woman” doesn’t pass the smell test here. Danielle is afraid of independence. She heavily relies on Steve. Right now, Danielle is essentially having an affair and having a safety net of Steve. Steve is living the reality that it is very lonely being the one at the bottom of a pedestal.
I was sad for the two involved here, but it shows you will have real problems relating even when you are *in* a relationship if you don’t understand your OWN emotional baggage and aren’t working to handle your own baggage.