Me recording the podcast in the closet of our Airbnb
It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
Greetings from Bilbao in Spain where we’ve just arrived after a few days in San Sebastián where I think I’ve eaten my weight in food–you can catch glimpses of our trip on Instagram.
I can’t believe that it’s a year since I started the podcast. It has stretched me in ways I hadn’t imagined it would and I love that my weekly sit-down has meant that I can cover an even greater range of topics and that it’s meant so much to so many people.
Episode 41 is a special edition of the show that marks the beginning of a new offshoot, Why Did We Break Up?, where I explore real breakups in-depth and try to find the answer to that question, not just so that the person who’s stuck can begin to move on with perspective, but also so that we can learn not just about ourselves but also our collective humanness in our quest to love and be loved.
In this first episode, I share the story of Yasmine and Russell’s ‘breakup’ of a relationship that never actually took off but left her bruised and hurt beyond measure. It has some ‘Beauty and the Beast’ fairy tale leanings and it’s ultimately a cataclysmic brief relationship where two people who don’t really like themselves very much and have some skewed notions about beauty and attraction, and who ultimately want to be seen and appreciated inside and out, expose their deep pain.
I will be back with the usual Baggage Reclaim Sessions episode next week.
You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android
Please subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here) – it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this guide.
Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
Add to favorites
Natalie, I continually read your articles and find them very helpful and informative. Thankyou for putting your time and effort into it.
I have had to get really honest with myself when it comes to NC. I truly realized that I was fooling myself that I had gone NC. Yes, I blocked him on Facebook because we have many mutual friends and I did not want to inadvertently see things he had posted and friends liking or commenting and visa versa. However; I left my phone number open thinking that I would be strong enough to resist texting him or calling, if he happened to reach out. But what I realized is that this feeling I had is that I wanted him to reach out. I wanted to know if he missed me. It was keeping me tethered to him. It wasn’t honest on my part.
I finally realized that, for me to truly go NC, I had to block his phone number. This prevents me from contacting him and from him contacting me. When I did this, there was another layer of myself to contend with. I can’t really explain it. It just made me look at my own patterns of unavailability in my own life when I wasn’t spending my energy wishing and hoping he would call. It forced me to honor my decision to walk away from a very toxic and degrading situation. I had to ask myself if I was willing to go to any length to heal and get healthy and truly be ready for a great relationship. It meant being willing to be uncomfortable in the short term and go through my process.
Bottom line is I had to get tough with myself, ask some really hard questions and be willing to hear the truth. My truth. It is like a drug to want to run back and get my fix. I am learning with sometimes some very, very small steps, that I must ride out the discomfort and learn to self-soothe.
It was a good decision to go completely NC. It is an action that tells the little kid in me that I am worth the effort.
I so much appreciate this site, Natalie, and all those that contribute with their postings. I just finished Mr. Unavailable and read lots and lots on this site.
Wendy
Wendy, I’ve had the same issue. Leaving the phone number unblocked in hopes that he will miss me enough to call me or text me. All it does is leave my head a mess day in and day out thinking oh there goes another day I haven’t heard from him. Well we were in a 6 year relationship and the loss of it has really surfaced hurtful feelings and I’m trying to move forward its just hard when they leave you and you didn’t want the relationship to break.
Hi Angie,
I just now saw your reply. I am sorry for your loss. I know it is so hard to process all of the emotions that come with a break up. I am learning something in my “recovery” from my own unavailability. That is that at least I know on my end that I am putting in the time and effort to heal. What I had to do for myself is take an extended leave of absence from dating. I am taking all of 2016 to myself. I wanted to get down to the nuts and bolts of my behaviors and triggers and find out why I keep attracting very emotionally unstable men. I had to own the fact that I am the common denominator in all of them.
I am getting stronger and finding my center. I am working with massage therapists, a shaman, an astrologist, a yoga therapist, a past-life intuiitive reader, doing a yoga practice and just joined a gym to do cardio and lift weights. I am utilizing all these resources to help me heal.
I am also researching on the internet, and that’s how I found this amazing blog and Natalie.
What I am grateful for is that I know that I am putting in the time and effort and that I am finally valuing myself. I am learning to trust my gut, and my intuiton, and to have my own back.
I am also making efforts to cultivate and maintain my relationships with women and am building my tribe of caring, kind and compassionate women.
I feel and see the results in my life. It has not been a straight line from A to Z. There has been many emotions that have arisen and stuff I have had to look at. But I have made sure to reach out for help and not try and do it all on my own.
I am learning to love myself for the first time in my life. It has taken patience, forgiveness, resilience and fortitude. It has also taken the willingness to give myself 10,000 chances..over and over. And to not give up.
Thank you so much for writing,
Wendy
I am so glad you started doing these podcasts, Natalie! You are an amazing writer, no question, but your humour really shines through your voice in a way that the written text does not allow for. Keep doing these amazing mini-shows!
Hi Natalie thank you for what you are doing I am learning a lot from your posts and other women sharing their experiences and progress. I love it
This was a brilliant episode. Yasmine’s story really resonated with me. I’m going through something very similar myself and the perspective I’ve gained by listening to this four times (no less!), is great.
The part I struggled most with was the “how could *he* reject someone like *me*?” thought proces. It was like the ugliest part of my personality rose to the top and I couldn’t push it back down. I felt ashamed and guilty for being so superficial and shallow. I really did think that I was guaranteed the love of this man because I was physically more attractive. By looking past and “accepting” his appearance and “loving him for him”, he would surely have to love me for who I am. When I told him how I felt (after much dilly dallying about), he clearly stated he did not feel the same and it tipped me into absolute shock. He loved me but was not in love with me, as with Yasmine’s story. The following two weeks after, I was zombie-like, trying to process what the hell had happened/ gone wrong. I kept thinking, if he doesn’t deem *me* good enough, then who the hell will?! And after all I’ve done for him!
Like Russell, this man had also struggled with the opposite sex when he was younger right up to the present day. He struggled with feelings of inferiority and shame which had all spiralled from how he was treated due to his appearance. And like how Russell had led Yasmine to believe he was interested, he too made me believe he felt the same (up to that point). In a lot of ways the shock came from the roles being reversed, the *type* of guy who I had rejected so many times in the past had now rejected me. I was gobsmacked. I was blindsided. I was also swarmed by regret and guilt for the people I had put in my position in the past and that definitely gave me another kick when I was down.
Anyway, I cut contact after initially trying to change his opinion, in an exasperated “bu-bu-but! You did this, you told me that!” flurry of contact. I tried to reason with him, place blame, project/ deflect, empathise, you name it. But it just left me confused, deflated and feeling worse than before. I gave up when I saw that I was pretty much dragging my dignity through the mud. You cannot make someone love you and I know that for sure. So I left it there. And that’s that.
Listening to Yasmine and Russell’s story, I really do feel for both of them and where they’re coming from, as an outsider looking in. Referring to everyone as an “imperfect human” is true too. It is easy to dole out the role of victim and perpetrator. I know I have. And if you’re reading this Yasmine, I hope you know you’re truly not alone in how you feel. I’m sure there’s plenty of us going through something similar. I think the weeks and months following are hard too, because you also have to grieve the loss of a close friendship which makes it hurt all the more. Thank you for sharing your story and thanks Natalie for raising so many great points and bringing about a whole lot of perspective on the issue.
Terrific podcast! And you can count me among the ones who love listening to your voice as part of my bedtime routine.
This podcast clearly shows codependency in action. It was like a codependent O’Henry story, you know the one, where he sells his watch for the barrette and she sells her hair for the watch chain. Only the O’Henry story was about how deeply two people loved each other and this story was about two people with old emotional baggage that needs healing before they start dating anyone.
His self-esteem is in the toilet, which was clear in the way he offered her an out on their first date, based solely on his sensing that she found him very unattractive. Wow…how many times has he felt that way, I wonder. So he decides to build himself up by winning her and then rejecting her.
She initially rejects him over looks but *deigns* to date him *anyway*, maybe figuring that this is a man who would never dump her if she gave him a chance because he obviously likes her looks and she was way above his league. So he was probably a “safe bet” in her book.
Both of them afraid to stand their ground and go after what they really want, so they wasted a lot of energy on each other, trying to make bricks without straw. He wants a woman who likes him from the start, looks and all. She wants a man who excites her eyes and her mind and her body. It was destined to fail.
Looking forward to the next episode!
Hi. This idea for another thematic podcast is great.
It reminded me of one of Alan Cohen’s books.
On second thought, I revise my opinion about needing to fix one’s emotional baggage before entering into a relationship. You need relationships in order to get your old wounds to show up. If you live in isolation, you can convince yourself that YOU are the perfect one and it’s everyone else who has a problem. You can only stretch your capability for relating when you are actually trying to relate to another person.
From what happened here, Russell might need to learn that a lot of un-beautiful people have beautiful relationships, no need to beat a dead horse and try to *make* someone love you. Yasmine might learn that she wants acceptance of herself but she isn’t necessarily giving that to others.
You learn your lessons, lick your wounds, and move on.
Thanks Natalie for this article.. I hope it will help me…