When we’re romantically involved with someone who’s ambiguous and ambivalent about their interest and/or whether they want a relationship with us, it grinds us down. We accept crumbs. This week’s episode of  The Baggage Reclaim Sessions follows on from last week’s about trying too hard.

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It’s pretty damn demoralising to feel as if we’re jumping through hoops trying to keep something going. And yet, so many of us go through this because we think that this is what being interested in someone or dating is about: convincing and converting them into desiring a relationship with us. We think that we have to prove that we’re “good enough” and worthy of love, care, trust and respect. You always deserve more than crumbs.

Just because someone is “nice” or “better” than a previous unhealthy relationship, it doesn’t make them the right one for you if all they’re offering at the end of the day is crumbs on the equivalent of the nice china instead of the dirty and chipped crockery.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Sometimes we exaggerate how great someone is because we’re not used to being around someone great and being around someone who treats us like we’re great. We find that while we’re not settling for the crumbs that we did in the past that we’re settling for a different kind of crumb.
  • People who give good date:- When they’re ‘on’, they’re on, and so when you spend time with them, you have such a good time that you forget that you spent however many days, weeks or even months in turmoil wondering what the hell is going on

When someone is enamoured with you in a very genuine sense, they just want to know more about you. They want to be around you.

  • In the end, all it takes is one relationship regardless of any previous experiences you’ve had.
  • Humans struggle with uncertainty. We want to know what’s going to happen in the future so that we know what to do. We can prepare ourselves for the worst (the relationship going wrong).
  • Sometimes we experience anxiety because of our internal narrative. And sometimes we experience it because we’ve delayed on taking action on something that we need to. Our feelings are alerting us to take care of ourselves. We need to reassure ourselves and take action.
  • We might not be settling for crumbs in a toxic, abusive relationship. But we might be settling for crumbs with someone who is “nice” but who is just not cutting it.

If we’re on one side going “I really want to be in a relationship with this person” and they’re on the other going “Yeah, better not let them get too close”, there’s a mismatch.

  • You need to be with someone who is enthusiastic about seeing you and who isn’t trying to fit you into some rigid schedule so that they can manage the hell out of you and keep you at a distance.
  • You need to be with someone who
    • isn’t dipping in and out of your life.
    • sees possibilities, who wants to see a future with you.
    • can admit that they’re scared, but they’re like “It’s scary, but I’m here for this.”
  • The possibility of getting hurt is part of the vulnerability of opening ourselves up to love.

You deserve to feel secure in your relationship.

  • A relationship without a purpose has no aim.
  • If we know that we want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship and we’re accepting less than that, we are selling ourselves short. As long as we are doing this, we cannot be open to being in a relationship where we don’t have to feel as if we’re scrabbling around to get them to make an effort.
  • You deserve to have self-esteem. When we are reliant on waiting for this person to decide if they want to be with us, to decide if they want to value us, to decide what the state of play is, then we are on the rollercoaster of following the path of whatever they’re doing.
Crumbs are still crumbs even if it's someone "nice" who's giving them. Nat Lue 

Relationship crumbs

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