Here’s what I cover in episode 15:
It’s OK to not be OK with being disrespected: Indecision over boundary lines can cause us to accept the unacceptable. We consider doing something about it but then wonder if we’re being “rude” or whether another person would be OK with it. Next thing, we’re in deep pain and sitting around for hours at a time waiting on someone to show up or staying in a relationship long past its sell-by-date. | Embrace Healthy Boundaries is the 30-day project that I refer to at the end of the segment.
Are you over-gifting or overspending?: There’s a lot of people out there right now who are stressed out to the hilt over giving and receiving gifts. I talk about the importance of examining the origins of our over-gifting and overspending habits because we’re often trying to cover up feelings of low self-worth and/or trying to prove something and even make up for a bad past experience.
The connection between having a short-term mentality and commitment issues: If we struggle to delay gratification, committing whether it’s in the form of making a decision or taking our time to show up in a relationship, is going to be problematic.
Listener Question – What do you do when you’ve been on one or a few dates with somebody and you’re just not that interested? Several listeners wrote in for this one. It seems that letting go of someone that we’re not interested in, is ‘complicated’ (not really!).
What Nat Learned This Week: I’m totally OK with taking my time to wrap my head around what I feel about something that’s happened even though some people prefer that I (or others), hurry the hell up and ‘move on’.
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Thank you so much for your podcasts in time for the holiday season! Your topics and voice sound like hearing from a friend providing encouragement to keep going. Much appreciated. Keep up the great work 🙂 ~Moira, a US listener
Natalie,
Part of your podcast, on gifts, has found its way into my brain. I think I used to over give as well. Years ago….
*Here is something super time consuming, custom made, and thoughtful.*
I think all I wanted in return was to feel appreciated, and So I put together things for people I cared about. I did love the creative element.
FFWD to me being here on BR. I do not think I over-indulged with giving, but I definitely made/gave some special/custom gifts as well as little things along the way. Nothing over the top, but purposeful and thoughtful. Normal I think.
I did not expect I should always be receiving in exchange, but now I look back and wonder why did he never ask when my birthday was when I acknowledged his two months ago? I told him embarrassingly the following day before I went home. I actually felt EMBARRASSED/SHAME to bring it up. Did he not hear my friend say it? Why didn’t he ask? Ever? Did he purposely ignore it? Accidentally forget? Does he just not care about birthday stuff? Anyhow, 11 days later we were together again and no retroactive birthday gift for me. My fault? I guess, so I let it go.
At Easter I left him a put together basket of personally selected gifts. I hid it in his house and didn’t tell him until I’d returned home after spending the weekend. Again I felt uncomfortable because he’d done nothing for me. Not that he HAD to do anything, so I choose to “surprise” him by letting him know I’d left something behind.
Over the following week, “our” (his) vacation plans started to materialize. He’d been talking for months about it, requested I save time-off, and continuously commented how soon we’d have the sun on our shoulders. Location was declared. Then while at my house, he promised to look into specific dates. I never pushed, questioned, demanded… All these words and ideas originated from him and him only.
The next week he didn’t bring the trip up. I said nothing (ugh I KNOW. Didn’t want to pressure him, because work and stuff, you know…) Two weeks later, in the most mindf–d way, he sabotaged and shut down the entire relationship. I realize more clearly now that this vacation represented so much to me. To ME, it was his gift showing that he DOES appreciate me, that he wants to spend special time with me. It was a “make-up” for not getting any gifts along the way. Who needs a birthday card, a cupcake, a flower, tickets to a movie or a show, or ANYTHING, EVER? Not me, I didn’t need anyTHING. Just for him to LIKE me, and want to spend time with me. That’s all I NEEDED.
So this vacation promise, it represented ALL I NEEDED (or wanted?): to know that I mattered, that I was worthy of spending time with. I would’ve been ok spending a week helping him clean his basement, stain his deck, dig holes… Point is that it was never the canceled (or rather non-existent via gas lighting) FAKE-cation itself that crushed me; it was the meaning I assigned to his intention.
And the horrible words I’ll never forget: “I GAVE YOU ALL MY FREE TIME” made me feel like the most selfish, needy, demanding person ever. I REALLY don’t know what it would feel like to have something special like that genuinely shared with me.
Thank you for this podcast, for getting me to look at my expectations and beliefs around giving/receiving. Sometimes I think that expecting and receiving NOTHING is easiest, because I won’t have to worry about someone else’s resentment. I have so much more thinking to do. Thank you for letting me write this out.