It’s time for another episode of Why Did We Break Up?.
If you’ve read or watched The Girl on the Train, the story of a broken woman who travels on the train each day looking out for this couple who she imagines have a perfect life and beautiful love, you will know that it teaches an indisputable truth: how things look to us isn’t necessarily how things are in someone’s relationship. Most of us can think of a couple who broke up where we or others said, “I can’t believe it! They seemed like the perfect couple!”. Brad Pitt, I’m looking at you!
We do not know what goes on behind closed doors.
Often how we choose to view someone’s else’s relationship (or one party in the relationship) reveals some of our desires for ourselves. We imagine that they have what we want. This is why when Lars, the man who Joanne viewed as Ideal Boyfriend TM material and who she imagined that it would be unlikely that he would become single, actually did become just that, she admitted her several-year crush. He said he wasn’t over his ex yet but when he did decide that he was and she made Yet Another Joke about the cute woman who was into him (yes, her), he asked her out on a date and then announced that she was no longer single. Early in the proceedings, she disclosed her STD, he did his research and discussed it with their various mutual friends…, eventually deciding that he’d proceed because he was so sure they were going to work out. Two weeks later it was over with him citing her not liking comic books as one of his main reasons. Nine months on, she’s still hurting and is ready to hear the answer to the question, ‘Why did we break up?’.
Links
Some people just love trying to come up smelling of roses
A compassionate and inspiring take on living with an STD
How to tell someone you have a sexually transmitted infection
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I agree with Natalie that Lars was more concerned with his image than being authentic. Impression management? But Joanne didn’t know that. I relate, because I was also told that I was ‘more outgoing and social’ as a reason he could never see me again. Years later, I often feel isolated as these words he spoke hit me like barbs, and I chose to withdraw… kind of like Joanne started exploring comic books. It’s like ‘thank you for pointing out these atrocious flaws that render me so undateble so I that I can work to become the ideal partner’. Either way, or any way you are in between doesn’t matter if someone points out such seemingly normal traits as reasons to leave. Nonetheless, it still hurts like hell. It’s a passive aggressive coverup, which prevents you from experiencing the truth.
I feel for Joanne. She made some mistakes, and its clear she just wanted love and is worried about being single for so long.
Joanne, my dear, my only advice is to never date someone who is clearly settling for you. No woman should have to convince and cajole someone into being in a relationship with her. That is what you did, by putting this guy on a pedestal and then hanging out as “friends” with the not very hidden ulterior motive of wanting to be his girlfriend.
You are worth better than somebody’s pity or crumbs. If you don’t believe this, take some time to improve your self-image. Maybe through therapy, or finding new friends, getting a new job, etc. On friends, it really bothers me that this guy discussed your STD with mutual friends. Almost like he needed to be convinced by the peanut gallery that he “can” date you. I’m sorry, but this dude sounds like he lacks character. A decent person will cut things off if he realizes that the feelings are lopsided because he knows that he cannot give you what you want. And I wish your friends had told him to keep them out of his decision of whether or not to date you. What is this, high school?
He just wasn’t into you and should have said so. And next time you need to be willing to hear (or see) that a man is not into you.