While talking about dating and relationship anxiety in episode 130, I touched on fear of sacrifice, loss and being trapped. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain why part of our struggle to be, do and have the things that we want, romantically and otherwise, is about us being afraid of what we associate with the consequences of getting what we want.
“I can do what I want when I want.”;”I won’t have to answer to anyone.”;” If I’m not in a relationship, I don’t have to be perfect.”;”I can stay in bed if I want.” These are just a sample of things people say would happen if they weren’t in a relationship. They also believe that they wouldn’t have to deal with hurt, neediness, arguments, demands and feeling unworthy. Some of the things we say sound like what we used to look forward to about growing up and getting away from our family! And, some of our associations are based on what we observed, for example, in our parents’ relationship.
If we see a relationship as something that someone else has that we have to try to get, that we have to earn, then that makes that person an authority. If our other ‘authorities’ are our parents and caregivers, then you can see how we can end up associating relationships with fear of winding up with a version of our parents.
Fear of sacrifice – sacrificing too much of ourselves or having to sacrifice, for example, career, money, freedom. There’s a fear of loss and the pain that comes with that. There’s a fear of being trapped in the wrong relationship with the wrong person or being unable to escape our circumstances.
Many people associate with relationships with loss of freedom and experiencing pain.
How afraid we are influences whether we avoid taking the next step or moving on to the next stage of our life.
We often fear the very thing that we want to the same degree that we desire it.
What are we afraid of?
Winding up in a relationship similar to our parents.
Being like one of our parents.
Ending up with someone who is like a parent who we’re afraid of or don’t get on with.
Not being like our parent(s) – fear of appearing ‘disloyal’ and ‘ungrateful’.
Overshadowing our family.
Being ‘too successful’.
Losing our family.
Alienation and abandonment.
Losing control.
Having control.
If we associate something that we want with adverse consequences, so with being in pain, feeling guilty and as if we’ve betrayed people, loss of ourselves, money, career, etc., we’re not going to be, do and have the things that we want. We will delay and avoid them.
It’s possible to be afraid despite no actual danger being present.
In talking with people who have a pattern of short relationships where they became incredibly anxious within a few dates, or they tended to bail at the same point, it became apparent that it was their associations with that stage of the relationship that drove their behaviour. If their parents had a long, difficult relationship after a short time together, they fear the same happening to them. Or, they fear winding up with someone like the parent they regard as the source of pain. Conversely, though, because their parents had or have a long relationship in spite of those issues, they, once they’re in a relationship, seem to think that they can force it to work [because it ‘worked’ for their parents].
Many of the women I’ve worked with have a fear of turning out like their mother. They associate the problems they experienced with their mother, who she became or the potential she wasn’t able to realise, with getting into a relationship or having children.
We rationalise to ourselves in situations that reflect our fears that things should be different because, for example, we feel as if we’re loving harder [than our parent(s) did] or that we’ve been and done more to earn a different outcome. It’s about trying to be the exception to the rule. We think that we can have an outcome that doesn’t reflect our fears and beliefs.
When you have a fear of being abandoned for someone ‘better’, you might opt to avoid relationships altogether. It’s like, ‘Well… if you’re not in a relationship, you can’t be left.’
It’s one thing to be afraid of being hurt, but if we believe that relationships are a source of pain, we’ll behave in line with that. We have to act in line with our beliefs, otherwise, it’s not a belief. Cue the self-fulfilling prophecy.
Our parents and caregivers were raised in a very different time. Their relationships, also, were created and built in a different time. It’s very easy for us to look at theirs and think that they’re perfect or awful, but devoting our efforts to replicating or avoiding their experiences takes us down a painful path. We can’t recreate their lives because we’re not of that time and we’re not them.
Sometimes we become so consumed by trying to avoid being like one, some or all of our family, that we neglect to recognise that we’ve already bypassed that. We’re often trying to avoid something we could never be especially given that we aren’t in their past circumstances.
Why should they get two lives and you get none?
Spending your time trying to avoid isn’t the same as spending your time trying to show up.
Our experiences will challenge us to confront our fears through our experiences. We’re not supposed to spend our lives literally living in fear.
Ask yourself: Who (or what) taught me that relationships look and feel like this?
Consider your last relationship where you were in pain or struggling. When you think about who you were in this relationship, how you were thinking, feeling and behaving, where have you felt similarly? Odds are that you’ve felt this way around certain people from your past (even if they were entirely different situations) or that certain experiences are associated with these feelings. The similarities are the associations.
If you’re repeatedly in the same situation, try to acknowledge what you’re afraid of sacrificing. What do you think you will lose as a result of being in a relationship/healthy relationship/different situation? Do you have a fear of being trapped and if so, who and what is that about? Are you afraid of being in control or out of control?
The purpose of the pain of our experiences is to wake us up to who we are and what we truly need, desire and deserve. If we’re selling ourselves short in what we’re pursuing, we’re going to experience the painful side of that with the hope that we might recognise that and allow us to be more.
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This is all very true. In my case, I don’t consciously think in terms of limitations etc related to the relationship, but I do have a subconscious fear of romantic relationships being limiting, I’ve been slowly realising this – and it has to do with my parents, of course, but also with an abusive past relationship that was a trap, a prison. And what you say about thinking of a relationship as an ‘object’ is very true. But I’ve gotten better at friendships, and so I hope the relationship part will come next.
I’m a bit sad today, because a younger friend has started dating a girl, and I am jealous. Of him, and of their relationship. But I’m trying not to gaslight myself and to avoid thinking “you are never the one who gets chosen, you will never be chosen”. I’ll keep being open, and look for joy. I’m going on a date next week, and I’m trying to go into it with a smile, and focusing on the joy I’m hoping for, and not the trap/pain/loss I’m afraid of.
As always, thank you Nat
NATALIE
on 03/04/2019 at 1:58 pm
Hi Stella. It’s all an evolution. As your awareness increases and you endeavour to evolve out of your pattern, the same improvements that you’ve already experienced in friendships will show up in romantic relationships too. It’s funny how we trick ourselves: probably before this happened, you weren’t interested in him and expecting him to ask you out, but now that he is with someone, your mind is like, ‘Whoa! Wait up! So, he had a vacancy and he didn’t think to fill it with me?!’ In truth, you don’t care about him being in a relationship; your ego does. Be kind to yourself.
SoulFull
on 28/03/2019 at 7:35 am
For me, I know Im getting older and that even though Im cool with that, I also know guys flirt with younger prettier women. They watch porn. And Im not cool with that so I choose to remain single.
There was a really sweet kind guy at work who gave me the intense eyes, show up in my department ‘to see me’ …months this went on and I figured out he was EU from that. Then a new young beautiful temp came along and it was her he gave his attention to infront of me. Dunno…it just done me in on that level. I fucked off out that place and went travelling on my own for a year.
I may be dealing with this aspect of life wrong but I really no longer want to get involved in a relationshit where men just tippy tap there keyboard and wank off to other women or trawl through dating profiles or collect every hot profile pic on fakebook….I truly cannot be arsed. Id rather grow old but free from that shit. If some guy came along and didnt subscribe to all of that then yeah cool, but most have done.
Anno this is probably wrong way of looking at life but its happened so many times you get hurt and Ive tried to wreckball the wall that builds…but it keeps rebuilding itself.
Im also bored and uninspired by life to the point of having a DNAR (do not attempt resusitation) on my medical file at 42. My cancer scare few months back was a relief and I was truly gutted when my number wasnt up.
Im writing this because its how I feel, and I know men as friends but nothing more.
NATALIE
on 03/04/2019 at 2:08 pm
There’s a lot packed into this, Soulfull, including beliefs about women having a shelf date, diminishing attractiveness, and younger equalling prettier. It’s worth questioning where all of this comes from, not least because there are women of your age and older who do get into new and lasting relationships. And I’m sure they’re not *all* with porn lovers!
That experience with your colleague speaks, not just to these beliefs, these reasoning habits, but also to something from the past on which these beliefs rest upon. Even though you knew he was emotionally unavailable, when he moved his unavailable attentions elsewhere to a “new young beautiful temp”, you felt wounded. But this same guy found you attractive enough to set his sights on you for the temporary period he intended to. She was, in his eyes, fresh meat. She was a new distraction, after all, exactly how many months are you going to spend being creepy-creepy before the question of why you haven’t asked the person out becomes the massive elephant in the room? So the fact that she’s “younger” is an aside, after all, if age was the primary factor, he wouldn’t have given you the time of day in the first place.
Being in your forties seems to do a number on you. I know *so* many people who have hit on periods of apathy and paralysis. I’ve been through my own existential crisis over the last few years. Throw in things like possible peri-menopause, bereavement, being told to sound millennial instead of my age, and I’ve definitely hit some dark patches. But I also know that any insecurities or even negative beliefs don’t tell the full story, and my life isn’t headed for Shady Pines just because I didn’t achieve ‘everything’ in my thirties.
How you feel is how you feel. And this is OK. And it’s not about dealing with this aspect of your life “wrong”, but it is about recognising that however you choose to deal with *anything*, do it from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Whatever’s going on, it’s draining your mojo, and so maybe it’s not about writing off your prospects and more about looking at, how can I live my life in a way that feels *good* to me, regardless of whether I have a man in it or not?
SoulFull
on 06/04/2019 at 12:31 pm
Thanks Nat 🙂
Ive just had enough tbh. I know Im not washed up meat just because Im over 40 but Im not gunna hang around guys who Do see it that way. Id rather enjoy getting older and the process not have someone bring me down over something natural.
I realise not every guy does porn but every guy I have ever known, has. And I have tried to keep it real but like I said, Im not arsed anymore. I worked as a dancer and you see the men and so many women are clueless to how their nice hubby acts when not around her. It leaves its mark Nat. Just scarred. And nope it is not gunna go.
The guy at work had quite a harem which is not necesscarily his fault. I didnt ask him out because there was a time he chose to be with someone else knowing I liked him….I figured I was worth more than being on anyones “no” list. I just cant relay it here well. See you think I have insecurities, to me its something more.
What would feel good to me? Not having a disease where people think you are just making excuses. Fuck em I know but it does get tiring.
This is a planet that I no longer feel any desire to be on…seriously. I can say that so matter of factly…even if I dodnt have illness or whatever…its like being placed on a planet that is a living hell for me.
Spirituality is another thing to go…well the spiritual community out there that is.
I am my own shaman in a world where life cannot be disagnosed or termed. I never forget that feeling of relief when I thought I had cancer. I truly was ok with it….its other people who are not ok with it and say its bad to feel like that. I dont care.
I am going through this at the dismay of others and its ok if others dont understand. As long as I do.
Arora
on 09/04/2019 at 10:45 pm
@Soulfull, I’m jaded, too – we’ve seen the other side of all the guys who get married in their 20s, 30s, 40s and are dtf at their bachelor parties. I don’t think most women know this, so they wouldn’t even think to ask.
Knowing this, it’s almost impossible to be attracted to most men, because their lack of honesty and morals is a turn off. And they are ridiculously ageist if single, once they turn 40, they think they need to ‘trade up’ for women in their 20s, then wonder why their younger gf is using them for money..? it’s pathetic. However, I’m talking about a basic/common male here, and I’m talking critically about males and not females bc, well – I’m straight, so this is not a man-hating perspective (I’d love to be able to treat a man like a king, ideally) – it is what I’ve seen patterns of in real life, over and over and over again; it’s not a ‘man’ problem – it’s a cultural problem. All this said, there are a males beyond basic. I am willing to date. Someone who knows their boundaries, has kindness, is an individual. Might as well put my order out there and see what happens.
Also, I was thinking the same thing when Natalie was talking about the past inhibiting having children. For me, it’s not the past as much as the future – what is happening to my country and where I see the world going.
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This is all very true. In my case, I don’t consciously think in terms of limitations etc related to the relationship, but I do have a subconscious fear of romantic relationships being limiting, I’ve been slowly realising this – and it has to do with my parents, of course, but also with an abusive past relationship that was a trap, a prison. And what you say about thinking of a relationship as an ‘object’ is very true. But I’ve gotten better at friendships, and so I hope the relationship part will come next.
I’m a bit sad today, because a younger friend has started dating a girl, and I am jealous. Of him, and of their relationship. But I’m trying not to gaslight myself and to avoid thinking “you are never the one who gets chosen, you will never be chosen”. I’ll keep being open, and look for joy. I’m going on a date next week, and I’m trying to go into it with a smile, and focusing on the joy I’m hoping for, and not the trap/pain/loss I’m afraid of.
As always, thank you Nat
Hi Stella. It’s all an evolution. As your awareness increases and you endeavour to evolve out of your pattern, the same improvements that you’ve already experienced in friendships will show up in romantic relationships too. It’s funny how we trick ourselves: probably before this happened, you weren’t interested in him and expecting him to ask you out, but now that he is with someone, your mind is like, ‘Whoa! Wait up! So, he had a vacancy and he didn’t think to fill it with me?!’ In truth, you don’t care about him being in a relationship; your ego does. Be kind to yourself.
For me, I know Im getting older and that even though Im cool with that, I also know guys flirt with younger prettier women. They watch porn. And Im not cool with that so I choose to remain single.
There was a really sweet kind guy at work who gave me the intense eyes, show up in my department ‘to see me’ …months this went on and I figured out he was EU from that. Then a new young beautiful temp came along and it was her he gave his attention to infront of me. Dunno…it just done me in on that level. I fucked off out that place and went travelling on my own for a year.
I may be dealing with this aspect of life wrong but I really no longer want to get involved in a relationshit where men just tippy tap there keyboard and wank off to other women or trawl through dating profiles or collect every hot profile pic on fakebook….I truly cannot be arsed. Id rather grow old but free from that shit. If some guy came along and didnt subscribe to all of that then yeah cool, but most have done.
Anno this is probably wrong way of looking at life but its happened so many times you get hurt and Ive tried to wreckball the wall that builds…but it keeps rebuilding itself.
Im also bored and uninspired by life to the point of having a DNAR (do not attempt resusitation) on my medical file at 42. My cancer scare few months back was a relief and I was truly gutted when my number wasnt up.
Im writing this because its how I feel, and I know men as friends but nothing more.
There’s a lot packed into this, Soulfull, including beliefs about women having a shelf date, diminishing attractiveness, and younger equalling prettier. It’s worth questioning where all of this comes from, not least because there are women of your age and older who do get into new and lasting relationships. And I’m sure they’re not *all* with porn lovers!
That experience with your colleague speaks, not just to these beliefs, these reasoning habits, but also to something from the past on which these beliefs rest upon. Even though you knew he was emotionally unavailable, when he moved his unavailable attentions elsewhere to a “new young beautiful temp”, you felt wounded. But this same guy found you attractive enough to set his sights on you for the temporary period he intended to. She was, in his eyes, fresh meat. She was a new distraction, after all, exactly how many months are you going to spend being creepy-creepy before the question of why you haven’t asked the person out becomes the massive elephant in the room? So the fact that she’s “younger” is an aside, after all, if age was the primary factor, he wouldn’t have given you the time of day in the first place.
Being in your forties seems to do a number on you. I know *so* many people who have hit on periods of apathy and paralysis. I’ve been through my own existential crisis over the last few years. Throw in things like possible peri-menopause, bereavement, being told to sound millennial instead of my age, and I’ve definitely hit some dark patches. But I also know that any insecurities or even negative beliefs don’t tell the full story, and my life isn’t headed for Shady Pines just because I didn’t achieve ‘everything’ in my thirties.
How you feel is how you feel. And this is OK. And it’s not about dealing with this aspect of your life “wrong”, but it is about recognising that however you choose to deal with *anything*, do it from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Whatever’s going on, it’s draining your mojo, and so maybe it’s not about writing off your prospects and more about looking at, how can I live my life in a way that feels *good* to me, regardless of whether I have a man in it or not?
Thanks Nat 🙂
Ive just had enough tbh. I know Im not washed up meat just because Im over 40 but Im not gunna hang around guys who Do see it that way. Id rather enjoy getting older and the process not have someone bring me down over something natural.
I realise not every guy does porn but every guy I have ever known, has. And I have tried to keep it real but like I said, Im not arsed anymore. I worked as a dancer and you see the men and so many women are clueless to how their nice hubby acts when not around her. It leaves its mark Nat. Just scarred. And nope it is not gunna go.
The guy at work had quite a harem which is not necesscarily his fault. I didnt ask him out because there was a time he chose to be with someone else knowing I liked him….I figured I was worth more than being on anyones “no” list. I just cant relay it here well. See you think I have insecurities, to me its something more.
What would feel good to me? Not having a disease where people think you are just making excuses. Fuck em I know but it does get tiring.
This is a planet that I no longer feel any desire to be on…seriously. I can say that so matter of factly…even if I dodnt have illness or whatever…its like being placed on a planet that is a living hell for me.
Spirituality is another thing to go…well the spiritual community out there that is.
I am my own shaman in a world where life cannot be disagnosed or termed. I never forget that feeling of relief when I thought I had cancer. I truly was ok with it….its other people who are not ok with it and say its bad to feel like that. I dont care.
I am going through this at the dismay of others and its ok if others dont understand. As long as I do.
@Soulfull, I’m jaded, too – we’ve seen the other side of all the guys who get married in their 20s, 30s, 40s and are dtf at their bachelor parties. I don’t think most women know this, so they wouldn’t even think to ask.
Knowing this, it’s almost impossible to be attracted to most men, because their lack of honesty and morals is a turn off. And they are ridiculously ageist if single, once they turn 40, they think they need to ‘trade up’ for women in their 20s, then wonder why their younger gf is using them for money..? it’s pathetic. However, I’m talking about a basic/common male here, and I’m talking critically about males and not females bc, well – I’m straight, so this is not a man-hating perspective (I’d love to be able to treat a man like a king, ideally) – it is what I’ve seen patterns of in real life, over and over and over again; it’s not a ‘man’ problem – it’s a cultural problem. All this said, there are a males beyond basic. I am willing to date. Someone who knows their boundaries, has kindness, is an individual. Might as well put my order out there and see what happens.
Also, I was thinking the same thing when Natalie was talking about the past inhibiting having children. For me, it’s not the past as much as the future – what is happening to my country and where I see the world going.