A few weeks ago, I wrote about casual relationships and how so many people don’t recognise that they’re in one because they see the hallmarks of a relationship, such as being together over a period of time, sleeping together, being introduced to others etc, but they don’t recognise that there are crucial landmarks missing such as commitment, consistency, intimacy, progression and balance.
One of the biggest sources of angst from readers is the whole question of starting over, dating again, trusting again, and ultimately knowing if they’re ready for a relationship/to start dating again.
What I find particularly interesting is that while the minority will avoid dating and attempting to forge connections with other people while they are hurting/rebuilding, the majority of people I come across are eager to restart even if it is patently clear that they are not over their ex or are just not emotionally ready to date.
This is why there are so many casual relationships masquerading as full on relationships: Because too many people don’t want to do the emotional work and take enough time to heal from previous relationships and/or get themselves emotionally ready.
Instead we, as is often the case, try to take a shortcut and we decide that we will date because we want some attention, we want to feel validated, and actually, more importantly although we often won’t admit it, we want to avoid dealing with the feelings about ourselves or the previous relationship.
What happens as a result is that you get half interested or not all that interested parties who are more than happy to pass time. The person on the receiving end is like a stopover/layover, or even a rehab. Sometimes both parties are.
We end up knowing they’re not The One or that the relationship is not for us, but we see benefits to staying in the meantime or fear having to start over. Maybe we hope to convince ourselves into it being right. Of course, in one or even both of you feeling this way, your relationship will lack the landmarks of a healthy relationship.
People who avoid doing the emotional work assume that if someone is that special, they will get over their ex or their problems will magically disappear. It is not the job of others to get you over your ex – you have to get over them. You have to sort your problems or your relationship becomes your problem and you’ll likely make shady choices based on your frame of mind.
People who avoid doing the emotional work assume the right to find themselves an emotional airbag to cushion any uncomfortable feelings. This is using someone.
People who avoid doing the emotional work are often attention hungry which is why dating sites end up being so popular as it’s a quick fix. You’re not going to be emotionally available again if you persist in seeking short-term fixes and avoiding feeling out your feelings by dousing yourself in attention.
People who avoid doing the emotional work are often willing to date a few people at a time, or have someone in reserve somewhere in case the current one doesn’t work out. Don’t treat someone like an option!
We live in instant times. Instant attention, instant connection, instant money (well not so much since the credit crunch), instant sex, quick, fast, shortcut everything.
It’s like getting over a relationship isn’t the done thing anymore.
It’s like people can’t hack being single – they have to be dating or at the very least sleeping with someone. Somebody, somewhere has to be giving us attention. In olden times, casual sex was just sex – now it’s often the fringe benefits of a relationship without the relationship.
A lot of us are selling ourselves short and not stretching ourselves and getting uncomfortable.
I’ll be honest with you – you don’t need to be 100% ‘healed’ from whatever your issues were to be ready to date again. I know I wasn’t. But you do need to be far enough along, i.e. the majority of the way, that you are 1) over your ex or even ex’s and 2) you are emotionally available and 3) you are actively working on yourself, after all, we’re a work in progress.
You need to be able to have an honest conversation with yourself, know your values and boundaries, and be willing to date from an honest place which means you’ll be uncomfortable being in a dishonest relationship.
I felt safe to try again because I was willing to be emotionally available which included allowing myself to be vulnerable, being willing to feel all my feelings and not avoid anything, and it is part of the fabric of my life to ensure that every single day, I remain committed to treating myself with love, care, trust, and respect with my boundaries, values etc. And yeah, obviously I was over all of my ex’s.
Doing all of these things gives you the freedom to go out there and live and love again. By being willing to be honest with yourself and treat you decently, if issues arise, you’ll deal with them. You’ll live to love another day. Sometimes you can’t know till you’re in it that you have stuff to deal with and that’s OK – the problem arises when you do nothing.
I warn you to be careful of rushing to date and ‘love’ again because time and again I see people on this site and beyond who are 1) not over their ex 2) emotionally unavailable and 3) not actively working on themselves. With the latter, some will go part way, but not all the way, and the moment that it gets too ‘honest’ for them, they’ll say it’s too hard or look for a shortcut in someone else. This is how they end up in relationship insanity.
There is no fire. It will not kill you to take a few months and put the time and energy into focusing on yourself, dealing with any cobwebs and excess baggage that are getting in the way, and get yourself genuinely emotionally available for a relationship. Trust me, you’ll help the dating pool.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
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Great blog post, Natalie, and helpful to me. How to “work on oneself” as you suggest? Therapy is expensive, friends say get back on the horse again yet my last romantic experience (he called it “an adventure,” which told me he was jesting about the whole thing) was disaster. I was emotionally available and ready and had no ex-bf on my mind however he disrespected me, broke my boundaries and treated me poorly.
How to know when the other person is ready?
Examples of posts on working on yourself – there’s entire sections of the blog on topics such as boundaries and values and loving yourself
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/100-tips-thoughts-for-better-self-esteem-because-if-you-dont-like-love-you-youll-choose-people-that-reflect-this/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/100-tips-for-successful-dating-relationships/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-landmarks-of-healthy-relationships/
The other person is ready when they act like they’re ready, when they don’t cross your boundaries and they don’t treat you poorly. You’re not responsible for his behaviour but you do have to look at the aspect where after he crossed your boundaries you stayed and he was able to treat you poorly.
It’s 18 months since I started reading your blog – I can’t believe it’s that long! In that time, I’ve worked through all your posts, your workbooks, other dating sites posts and workbooks (Rori Raye and Evan Mark Katz most notably) and spent real time developing a genuine relationship with myself, my emotions and my wants and needs. I am happier than I’ve ever been. I’m currently being courted by 3 men who are all amazing in different ways. I feel no pressure to commit, I am able to engage openly and warmly to all of them, give them space and time and most importantly, give myself space and time to get to know them before launching into a relationship so that I am making a better choice. None of them are finding this a problem, they’re all treating me with respect and I am noticing which of them might be the best match in terms of the principles you always cite (love, trust, respect etc) and matching my intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual (I never considered that before) needs. Also most importantly I worked out my values and I’m sure that is the primary thing which has meant I’ve attracted an entirely different calibre of man. If none of these work out I am simply not worried because I know if I can attract these ones, I can attract others and if no one ends up wanting to form a relationship with me then I am happy enough on my own. I think you’re an incredible resource NML – I have changed so much over this past year and a half and it definitely started with stumbling upon this site. Yes there is no fire – only unfolding adventures of connection and joy. I’m now 54, soon to be 55 and I have never had so many compliments and affirming comments in my life from people around me and I know it’s directly related to finally loving myself.
Thank you
Raven your post gives me hope… Thank you for returning after being healed and giving us a snapshot on what can happen on the other side.
Hi Natalie…
another great post. i do have a question though. my ex and i broke it off around thanksgiving time. we did engage in contact for weeks after, but have cut myself off from him completely…. i have blocked him on my phone and taken the proper no contact measures. it was the only way i could separate myself from the madness of the situation.
i have to say that i feel wonderful. i am worried that it is a temporary glitch and i will find myself back in that hole again anytime now. but since i have cut contact, i really feel like i can look at things with clarity and accept the situation for what it is. and although i do miss him at times, i realize that it was the “thought” of him and being in a relationship, that i was holding on to. i am proactive in my search to find myself and evaluate my past relationships and even feel that i have found closure for most of them. i feel healthy for the first time in my life. and like i said, this could be a glitch…i am almost afraid to say it outloud for fear that i will be back to my dark hole tomorrow.
however, i don’t want to engage in unhealthy behavior. this leads me to my question….. is it safe to casually date? and i guess what i mean by that is … is it okay to date and just have fun for a bit. i understand what you say about jumping into situations to pass the time, look for attention etc etc. and i don’t feel like i am at that point. i guess i’m scared to test the waters….i don’t want to come across like i’m emotionally unavailable but i’m not sure that the next person i get involved with (or just date) is going to be “the one”. i just want to experience being single for a bit and go out with guys that i’m interested in when they ask…….
i don’t know if my question makes sense and maybe you answered it in this post and i’m just not absorbing it.
i appreciate your time and truly love this site and all the insight you offer to us all! you are wonderful!!! i wish i could have come to the conference in nyc!
amanda
i think you have to ask yourself what you REALLY want. if it’s a longterm relationship, a marriage, kids, then you should aim for that and not dilly dally around with casual relationships. and that’s what it will be if you want to be single and date. it can’t be any more than casual if one or other party doesn’t commit.
if you want a proper relationship, it’s best to stay single until you are ready to pursue one fully. if you’re happy to casually date around with people who aren’t particularly suitable then do that. but whatever you do has its own demands and consequences. you can’t avoid it by making no decisions.
Amanda – I would say if you don’t feel sure of yourself just yet to give being single a bit more time. There is nothing wrong with going out in groups – with groups of friends for dinner or dancing – social activities. Make certain thou that your friends aren’t trying to hook you up with someone. Nothing wrong with being single and social. I would just avoid the one on one until you are more sure of yourself. Hold onto your boundaries. This worked well for me for awhile and when asked I would explain that I wasn’t looking for anything and be honest about it – don’t sway from your boundary because he’s cute, seems nice or whatever. That is not your concern right now – you are.
Thanks for the response. I agree with you completely….it’s definitely best to know what I want before jumping into anything. Problem is, I am thinking of relocating by the end of the year and have no interest in starting up anything serious as I want to go on my terms and leave with no attachments.
I guess that’s why I have considered dating casually. And you are right when you say there are consequences with either decision I make.
I feel good about my break up….and have no regrets there. I just want to move forward…in a positive way.
I’m 37 years old and have no children, so for the past several years, my dating desperation hasn’t been about getting over exes but about my loudly ticking biological clock. I was in a frantic race to find the The One because I knew time was running out quickly if I wanted to have a family, especially once you factor in the time it takes to establish a secure relationship before one even thinks about having children. Needless to say, this desperation left me in a very unhealthy emotional state and all of my relationships were doomed to failure – often because I was grasping at whatever seemed available and mildly interested in me, whether or not we were good for each other.
The turning point for me came last fall where I decided that I’d had enough of the insanity. I made the decision to become a mother on my own (I’m currently in the “trying” stage, with the help of a very good fertility doctor) and I got myself into therapy ASAP. I also started taking a Buddhist meditation class. All of these things have done wonders for my self-esteem and inner peace. I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life – and there’s no man in it! At this point I’m absolutely fine with waiting to get involved with someone again. And if the baby plan works out, it’ll be a necessity to wait! 🙂
You’re so right that we need to take the time to be with ourselves and to give ourselves the nurturing and love we need, rather than desperately searching for it from someone else. It all starts from within.
As much as it stinks sometimes and is downright difficult, I am doing my best to do the emotional work instead of throwing myself headlong into another painful “relationship.” I’m at the tail end of a familiar situation where things went way too fast in the beginning and the guy bails leaving me feeling abandoned, rejected, etc.
The part that trips me up is I know I need this time to myself (I’ve a long history of this stuff) and really heal, but why I still have feelings of wanting this man to validate/pay attention to me. I wish that when I decided to put an end to it all that that feeling would cease. This man, like many of the others and my dad, is emotionally unavailable and is on Planet Him.
One or some of my fears are being single for a long time to come and going this long without sex. Yet sexual contact is an issue for me as I dove in too soon often doing sexual things before really knowing the person. I think that or hope that I’ll eventually get over this hump and I’ll get to a place where working on me is not so hard. And it is such a relief to realize I do not have to be 100% there in order to be with someone. But I know I need to be further along than I am now.
“By being willing to be honest with yourself and treat you decently, if issues arise, you’ll deal with them.” OH YES. I have found on occassion those nasty old relationship habits try to rear their ugly heads but I am quicker at catching them and assessing them.
I totally agree with this one – “The other person is ready when they act like they’re ready, when they don’t cross your boundaries and they don’t treat you poorly.” You know you are ready when you do the same for yourself and others. To thy self be true…
As always a great post Nat – keeping me on track to better things!
Well, just as you said, I immediately joined some dating sites to get attention, but it never comes fast enough. Finally, I posted a picture, all the while resenting that i have to resort to that. “Can’t these men see how wonderful I am without a picture of me?” I thought I was doing okay, thought I was ready, after all this is day 35 of NC….but now the blues, the WHY?’s have hit me. I loved him! sure, we had some really bad times, but I loved him really well, and sometimes he loved me. He loved me and then went home to his wife, talking to me on the phone the whole way home. How crazy am I to have given him all of my love, all of my time…and now I am falling apart. Today is the first day I have cried over this. Do I really have to feel the pain before I can move on? If so, then bring on the big dragons and let me get over him. I loved him! Can someone else really love me? Can I really love someone else? I pray so, I hope so. I had so much fun with him. I had pain. I also had a lot of fun. So, Natalie. I suppose I am not ready. But I WANT to be!
PS. He didn’t even get me a Christmas present. I got him one. He didn’t even give me a birthday present. I asked him what he got his wife, and he got her a long coat. At the time it didn’t really phase me, but now I feel like….what a fool I have been. and now I feel the hurt that I should have felt THEN!
Deege, hang in there. I’m nearing day 60 or something of NC after two years with MM, who talked with me while on his way home to his wife on many occassions. In retrospect, I feel stupid and crazy to have allowed such nonsense. We had so much fun together when we were together, lying and decieving everybody. And I experienced unspeakable darkness, when he was with his wife. I’m sure you know that dark place. I think there is love after love, IF we do our work. I’m totally down for the next 6 mos to a year of just me time. There is a fire burning for me. I’ve got to get it right next time and if it takes several years to get it right, I’m willing to forego the immediate attention and figure out me and my boundaries. Fall apart. It’s okay. Just DON’T text, email, or call him, otherwise you may have to “suck it and see”. I did and it reconfirmed my committment to moving on, despite the sadness. Somebody posted something to the effect that is is so bad without him, he may as well be here. At some point I got to the point that it is bad without him but not as bad as it was with him. Bring on the dragons and let it take as long as it takes…but not too long!
hi deeje,
Congrats on 35 days of NC. That being said, 35 days is still in the beginning stages of healing. I was in a relationship with a married AC for 4 years, it’s been a year today since I dumped him and 7 months of complete NC. I did the dating site/attention wh*re thing at the beginning too, then I slept around a bit, none of these things felt particularly good. I really had to step back and ‘feel’ what I had been desperately trying to avoid feeling. It’s like my soul is in a hospital bed being nursed back to health 🙂 I’m spending lots of time with my kids and they’ve been thriving from the attention, this has turned out to be very gratifying for me. There are times that I feel lonely and times that I miss certain things about the past, but then I tell myself to leave it in the past and I am free to progress. I am worried about getting ‘unstuck’, I’ve done lots of emotional work and therapy but I still don’t feel ready to date seriously. I have to stop feeling like I’ll never love someone else like I loved him, my brain knows that’s not true but my heart is still healing from the rejection. Until I feel more healed and stronger than I am I decided the dating scene would not be for me, and I am working on accepting that and not going out to seek validation from men (tried it – felt empty). Good luck on your healing journey, hugs xo
deege –
I don’t think you’re ready yet at all. Like you said its only been 35 days and what hit it for me was when you said you love him and he sometimes loved you. Please take alot of time for yourself, don’t rush into another relationship just to have one and please when you do stay away from the married ones. If there is ever a receipe for heartache its with them. You deserve sooo much better.
Deege, one of the strategies that has worked for me is to take a “dating break” whenver I feel like I need to reconnect with myself and absorb the learning from a relationship that just ended. I have found that there is no hard rule for how long it takes to get over someone, but for me it depends on how healthy the breakup was and also how healthy the relationship was in the first place. When I’m in a dating break, I pay no attention to men as potential dating partners… I go out with girlfriends, or in groups and just enjoy camaraderie and being there. I can usually tell I’m ready to date again when I start noticing attraction to men and feel like I would be capable of engaging with them. It just happens on its own. And if it’s too early still, just be sure to stay in touch with your feelings and let the other person know and be authentic, otherwise you’ll fall in the traps Natalie explains in this (excellent) blog.
I know within myself that I can’t date. I actually don’t want to date because I want me time. Time to get over the MM and time to get over my divorce. Actually I am over both but I’m trying to establish my boundaries with my ex husband who sees it as his right (until we sell the house) to come in to the house and cause some type of drama and play controlling games.
I’ve managed to not give him eye contact and keep away from his aggressive stance but I’m at the point where I want to change the locks and keep him away from me. It was all amicable on my behalf because I’m done with it but he has some real anger issues.
I give absolutely no attention to this and have told him over and over that he’s rude and that he shouldn’t be this way in front of our son (who is autistic) and disrespectful to me. It is somehow fuelling his fire and he’s becoming really nasty. I don’t call him or talk to him unless it’s to do with the children. One of my friends thinks he is jealous because I’ve succeeded to maintain a home, redecorate it and not fail (he wanted me to fail). I used to think it was all sad but now I think he’s pathetic.
I can’t wait to sell the home in April (the official date decided by the solicitors, him and I).
I know what my boundaries are, and I keep demonstrating them to him but I need to start over with them. In other words, all the bad people in my life have to go and this is what I’m working towards. After that (April) my intention is to make sure any new person that enters my life knows what my boundaries are and my values.
Whilst my ex husband is creating his drama, I cannot possibly date. Plus I want to study and take photos and travel again. Right now, I need to look after me and love me a bit – and all my plans around that so far has worked. I look and feel great!
I’m in no hurry, there is no fire.
I tested things out, once getting set up with someone and another online and wow…I am *very* not ready. The first one was clearly not a match and the second one just cut me off. Not nice to feel rejected when one is trying to heal 🙁 Lesson learned. I will take care of me until I am comfortably back to me, not worrying about the xN and not thinking that I am worthless because some *guy* isn’t there adoring me etc.
this is a really timely post for me. i have been separated from my husband for a little over six months, and am feeling ready to explore dating again. not necessarily ready for a relationship, but dating.
next month will be our 17th anniversary. he is a difficult, angry, and challenging man. we have stuff to sort out for a divorce — i can’t even get him to agree to talking about a schedule for our kids (let alone agree to a schedule). our finances are still comingled — i am waiting for the end of the school year to move things forward.
but we were not physically intimate for over 11 years, and slept in separate bedrooms for the last two and a half years of our “marriage”. i feel like i have not been “in” a relationship for a very long time. emotionally i am still going through grief and sadness, but it is something i think will always be there, like the sadness i feel over my father’s death, that i will always hold, and it will be a part of me.
11 years is a flipping long time, more than three years without even touching. i think i am ready. i know there will be drama from him (and some rough moments for me) during the divorce, but it is technical and business at this point, and my kids are doing well (much better since he moved out than when he lived here).
any thoughts?
it could just be me but i don’t see the point of dating if you don’t want a relationship. i can see the attraction of going out with a man, having some attention/food/flirting, and skipping home to be on my own but is that really what the man wants? at the very least would he not want sex?
even though you didn’t have much of a relationship with your ex, that in fact can be more damaging than something more “normal”. it does a number on your self-esteem to be living with someone every day that you don’t particularly get on with.
maybe revisit the dating question when the divorce is through?
@grace… you raise some valid points… at this point, i am not disinclined towards sex… i am not interested in building a life with someone new at this time, but spending time with someone in a friendly way with some physical connection thrown in would suit me fine 🙂
i think some guys, and some nice guys, would be okay with that. i am a nice girl…
lynette,
I want to encourage you to seriously think about the casual relationship thing.
I can only speak from my own experience, but emotions usually get much more involved when there is physical intimacy, and you may find yourself much more attached than you would want, and then your casual, carefree, relationship is suddenly the source of much heartbreak.
Believe me, I understand what it’s like to have a sexless marriage, and miss that physical connection. I just hope you tread very carefully. I wish you all the best.
I’ve always believed in taking long breaks in between relationships (whether real or fake/casual), There was even a study done a few years ago which concluded that people who don’t take breaks in between relationships are more prone to mental health challenges (and it didn’t mean a couple-weeks-long breaks either – long & real breaks). A problem for me, though, is that this time around it’d be nice to get a shag every once in a while. 😐 I’m too much of an introvert to even pursue that, so I’ll continue waiting until someone worthy enough for a relationship comes around.
ph
i agree.
i NEVER took time to deal with breakups, i bounced from one crappy relationship to another. shamefully some even overlapped. that’s why it’s taken five years to get over the last relationship. i had to get over ALL of them really, and process what had happened.
hey ladies,
I agree totally, but I find that whenever i make the decision to take time out, be single, not get involved with anyone, just focus on myself and what i want – that is *precisely* when i meet someone! Every time! Maybe i’m giving off more of an EU vibe than normal and attract every assclown in the vicinity! I have no idea. It’s baffling.
Just because you meet someone, doesn’t mean that you HAVE to give them your time or energy. If you need time, you just need time, plain & simple. If it’s meant to be, either the person will be around or someone else who’s in the same (emotional & mental) space as you will be there. What’s most important is that you deal with YOU. 😉
That’s good that you can admit this and take some REAL time off. 😉
I’m new to your blogs Nat, and I think you are a genius! But, I have a question – why do I even need a relationship? For the last two years I have been getting over (and have gotten over) a very damaging short term relationship, the first in a long time, previous to that I had always found myself with Ass Clowns and EU’s in some very long term relationships. I’ve given it a lot of thought and came to some conclusions about my part in these relationships – most of which you have confirmed in your blogs (though, much more succinctly!) I was definitely choosing badly, settling for less, expecting too much and setting myself up for disappointment – the end result was, that I have decided that I don’t need a relationship, I don’t NEED anyone else. I have two beautiful kids, one who is now an adult, one still at home. I have numerous hobbies and interests and great friends and I don’t feel lonely for a partner (really, I don’t) – I’ve only started to read your blog because my daughter found it interesting. I’m guessing from what I have read so far, that I am still not emotionally available, but otherwise I’m good to go – no pining for ex’s, and always looking to be a ‘better me’. I’m so happy on my own, but after reading your blogs, I’m starting to wonder whether I’m missing something – should I be wanting a relationship. And why? It’s so much hassle to find a good man and I honestly think that all the good ones are taken, so why should I ‘settle’ if I don’t particularly want one anyway?
Hi there. There are no rules that you have to be in a relationship. I was in one from age 14 to 46 one right after another. I’m 50 now and so not interested, it’s not funny. It seems like a big old bother frankly. I like to read Natalie ‘s stuff just in case someone comes along but I am not actively looking and am happier, saner and calmer than I’ve ever been. Life has so much to offer with or without a guy.
Thank you so much for saying that!I was starting to think that I must have been deluding myself (and very convincingly at that!). I agree, I’m so much saner and consistent – OK, you don’t get the emotional highs that you get with being in love, but then I don’t miss the lows when things aren’t great. I’m a better friend, daughter, mother, business woman when I’m dedicated to being those things, rather than spreading myself thin entertaining a guy. I’m not saying that if a nice one came along that I would say no, but I’m not wasting energy in looking. Then maybe it’s an age thing – I’m 48. Yay, for us!
I’m so very not ready to date again. To be honest, I’m actually regressing. No contact was OK at the start but I’m now starting to fall apart. I have constant anxiety that I’ve done the wrong thing by breaking up with my ex. I know, logically, all the reasons for it but I’m finding it extremely hard to move on, all of a sudden. I don’t know if the not-so-great things actually did outweigh the great things. I second guess myself all the time.
I’ve started seeing a psych, and tomorrow I’m going to get anti-depressant/anti-anxiety prescription (low dose). I can’t stop thinking about him and I know he’ll call in the next few days. Part of me knows that I shouldn’t try to ‘sort anything out’ in this emotional state, but I’m terrified of losing him for good. I’m just a mess.
It really does help to read your posts, Nat, and everyone’s contributions. I’m hoping that my heart and body can eventually catch up and really hold on to the logic of sorting out myself before I make any decisions.
I know I went this relationship (four years ago) without first being over my ex at the time. THAT was long and drawn out and I still feel haunted by it at times. So, yeah, there’s a whole lot of work to be done on me. It’s tough. And after four years of being, I now realise, co-dependent (with very high highs and as many lows) I can’t help but think it’d be wonderful to have him back, so we can at least be together that it’s worth it to have those highs. (I’m sounding like a total addict, I know. And misery loves company.) Urgh. I’m a shocker. Thing is, I know my parents were co-dependent (and from where I stood I didn’t think they were really happy)… but now my mum is dead and it’s like history has been re-written. Dad only talks about it as if they had the ideal loving marriage. And I think to myself, it’s the good things that count. And I don’t want to be alone. And I love my ex. And he loves me. And what’s wrong with just muddling our way through life together?
@Betty, Nat wrote you a reply on the last post… will you have a read? When you are on a high, that high will ALWAYS be followed by a low mood after – what goes up must come down…it’s always like that – a high doesn’t last. Have you thought about seeing a counseller? Psychiatrists really only work with the medication and monitor your moods. Psychiatrists rarely dig deep to find out the root cause for a person’s altering moods. I think seeing a good counsellor would really help you to understand why you are co-dependent which results in the fluctuating moods. Because if you’re co-dependent, your mood depends on how the relationship is going so more than likely if you’re not getting on you’re mood will be low and visa versa.
What we want to achieve is stability in our moods and more groundedness within ourselves. When you look at a big old oak tree, for example, eventhough there could be a very strong wind blowing, the tree stays rooted in the ground. It sways but doesn’t get blown over. We want to be more like the oak trees…
betty
it’s tempting and maybe even natural to believe that this pain and sorrow is a sign that you should be with your ex. it is, in fact, a sign pointing in the exact opposite direction. if a break up means you end up on medication (and i’ve been there) it’s a big red flag that you must avoid that person at all costs. he is not good for you.
no person should have this power over you, you need to reclaim control of your destiny and that does NOT mean waiting for man to patch you up.
i know exactly how you feel, i was in the same boat myself a few years ago. crying in my sleep, ADs, depression, anxiety, the lot. it dragged out for months and months and months because i couldn’t give him up. but it’s all over now and i am happier than i have ever been.
and, no, we did NOT get back together!
Betty,
I empathize with what you are going through right now. I know it can feel overwhelming, and maybe like this is all you will ever feel. But, please know it WILL get better.
I agree with Audrey about the counselor. I was in a terrible state after my divorce. I was such an emotional wreck, and could not stop crying. I started to see a counselor, and we talked about the co-dependency in my relationship with my ex-husband. You see, while he was the one cheating, lying, deceiving, etc., I was tiptoeing around him while we were trying to “work it out”, because if I showed emotions, he would feel guilty. So, I was busy holding everything in to lessen the consequences of his actions!
My counselor explained to me that I had years of unresolved and unexpressed emotions coming to the surface, and that eventually they would feel more manageable.
That is my unique situation, but I do know that we can stuff alot of feelings out of the way, either from previous relationships, from codependent behavior, abuse, etc. And we can turn to a man to soothe that inner anxiety that is always bubbling under the surface, due to those unresolved issues.
When that fix (the man) is taken away, it just leaves us with, not only a fresh wound of rejection, but all that other crap that hasn’t been addressed. And it’s scary, and we want to cling to our fix because the emotions seem bigger than us.
Either way you look at this, I would want to encourage you to do some work on yourself, before deciding that letting him go was a mistake. You may be surprised.
Thank you Audrey, Grace and ICanDoBetter.
I did read Nat’s comments to my last post, but I know that my mood has changed since then. You’re right, up and down is normal, but my down these last couple of weeks has been particularly bad. And it’s not just about the ex, I know.
When I said my ‘psych’ I meant ‘psychologist’ (ie counsellor), not ‘psychiatrist’ (ie pill pusher). I guess my Australianness comes out in the fact that I shorten words (we all do!) I started seeing her recently and as of Tuesday I can tell that this is going to be beneficial for me, dealing with long standing, deep-seated issues.
She did recommend that I go to my GP and ask for a low-dosage anti-dep/anxiety prescription, though. The GP is going to monitor me on it.
I know that my issues are not just relating to my breakup, and that I’m being co-dependent. I’m feeling very anxious. I know I’ve got lots of work to do.
I know my ex is going to call in the next few days, so I’m going to try to keep it light and friendly, rather than jumping into ‘state of the relationship’ conversations or talks about a possible future together. I know I’m not in a good place to make decisions.
I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond. Thank you again. Bx
Love this post! I’m a few months shy of a year since breaking it off with my EUM after a long term relationship. Even almost a year after, I’m not ready to date and completely ok with that! I’m in no rush and it’ll happen when it’s meant to. I need to be in a good place, a healthy place. I’d rather learn from mistakes and take the time learn boundaries, etc so I can have fulfilling experiences moving forward. No more EUMs!
Thank you so much for today’s post. I came upon your site at a time when i found myself at a crossroads in my barely there 4 mos relationship with an EUM. Your posts opened my eyes and gave me the courage to dump my EUM and ive been NC for the past 17 days. Can’t say that its been easy, im happy, then im sad, im frustrated, then ecstatic..my emotions are like a rollercoaster! But i know that i did the right thing and coming here everyday to read your posts and comments have helped alot. Upon breaking up with my EUM, i immediately started texting every guy in my phonebook and put my profile back on the dating site i often use to date (its the same site where i met the ex….and guess what he’s on there now too!) Anyway, i started chatting with a couple of guys and was really giddy about the attention i was getting. Though the attention was nice, i also realized that my heart wasn’t in it. It just felt like the familiar dating cat n mouse BS game again and i dont want to deal with that right now. Before reading your post i was contemplating taking my profile down again and not dating for awhile. Now i know that its something i will do. I have to make myself whole again before i go out there and try to find and build a real relationship. Through your site ive become aware that i am a EU female and have played the “game” with men in previous relationships. With that said ive already started on my journey to wholeness by reading a couple of books (Dr. K Ablow’s book Living the Truth is awesome) and will start therapy this weekend. Its scary to think that at 37 im finally beginning to get in touch with my emotions. And i sometimes feel that i wasted my youth playing games and that no one will love me because im a 37 yo single mother. But I hope that this is not the case and when im done becoming whole my prize will be emotional stability, inner peace and a wonderful relationship. God bless you all !
For me is been 2.5 years since I got dumped by the last narcissistic assclown, and I AM NOT READY TO DATE YET. Natalie wrote once something along the lines of ‘you can’t date without self esteem’ and ‘if you can’t love you and someone else at the same time, you have to choose you’ and I totally understand, feel and own those statements now. I am in MUCH BETTER SHAPE these days but I am still carrying a good deal of baggage, fears and negative core beliefs about love, dating, relationships and men. My ‘self core’ is like a new born baby, is there but is still too vulnerable, too young. I need to feel personally secure and have a good set of boundaries in place before I can go dating again. I have made GREAT progress, but I am not there yet. And yep, there’s no fire, I’m in no rush at all…. I realise now that AS LONG AS I LOVE ME, there will always be someone out there to love me…
Hi Natalie,
Thanks for another great post. I recently came across your blog and have been finding you posts incredibly helpful in getting clarity about many relationship issues. I recently dated someone and just over a week ago he turned around to me unexpectly and said that he can’t do a relationship right now because his head is “too messed up” (not quite the words he used) 🙂
He had recently come out of a relationship due to the fact he left the country he was living in to return home and we happened to meet one afternoon and hit it off straight away. I should have realised then already that he was not over his ex as he’d only been back a month and starting over again in this country understandably he has a lot going on trying to get back up on his feet. It’s though amazing how quickly you can come to care about someone when you spent lots of time with them and even though it was ended after a short period of time, it hurt when it ended. Part of me wishes we’d never met as it’s painful when it ends but probably more than 90% of me is grateful for the teacher that he was in showing me how I do things in relationships and also how guys ‘operate’ ~ Been hugely insightful and feeling such gratitude now a week and a half later for the lessons learnt and for the healing that is currently taking place within myself.
So for now I continue to do the dance of life, two steps forward, one step back and I continue to trust that true love really does exist out there…! Keep the great posts coming!
There seems to be two extremes that people follow – one is to move on, including dating straight after the break up while the second is to heal yourself first. Two complete people coming together.
I believe that life is really somewhere in the middle, moderation is the key. None of us are perfect. To be human is to be imperfect. However we can choose to ‘heal ourselves’ first, while knowing that we will never hit perfection.
If you are someone who has never really been single in your life, why not decide to take the next 6 or 12 months to spend time on yourself? I have done it and highly recommend it.
One telltale sign to tell if you are ready is if you are out with friends and consider asking them to introduce you to someone, when you begin to tear up… then you are not ready.
Be kind to yourself. Learn to love yourself first. Love attracts love!
If you aren’t ready to date, please get out of the dating pool! At the very least, be very clear and very up front with the people you do engage, making it transparent that you aren’t looking for anything serious, don’t intend to moving toward a commitment, are just looking for a booty call, etc. That way, those people can decide if they want to waste time with you.
I have not attempted to date since the AC ended things in June. I can’t conceive even trying it at the moment, and I have been doing the tough emotional work on myself since then. I feel better, have much healthier attitudes and beliefs about love and no longer need anything external to validate me. But I am still not there yet and I know that.
What I see is way too many people who want to fill time with other people. That’s fine, if both parties are open and honest about it. What is too painful to bear is when one side thinks one thing is going on and the other things something completely different and neither side is willing to talk about it.
Just because you aren’t involved enough to get hurt, doesn’t mean the other person won’t be hurt. While it is not your responsibility to safeguard someone else’s emotions (we must all do that for ourselves – something I learned on this site), only an assclown doesn’t care what happens to anyone else.
Amen Debra! “Only an assclown doesn’t care what happens to anyone else.” So, so true. I think what can happen too is if someone is an assclown and they actually are experiencing some version of pain (and by pain I mean dent to their ego in 98.8% of cases) in their life (not just saying so to dodge the accountability bullet), they are so selfish that they think they are fully justified in using someone to make themselves feel better.
Oh Debra this is so very true. The worst thing in a relationship is being lied to about the other person’s ability to commit and emotional availability. It is well and truly awful. I still have twinges of regret for a relationship I was in with an EU man many years ago who lied to me, though this site is helping me understand what happened and the unhealthy dynamic between us.
“What I see is way too many people who want to fill time with other people. ”
YES. All to avoid the raw feelings & honest truths. Same goes for the rest of your comment.
Well it is now almost one year since my relationship hit the skids because of his cheating, lying, deceit, callousness and more words there are in a dictionary to describe him, he who i thought was an AC/EUM but have since given him the title of ‘psychopath’ because having read up on those types i am convinced it fits him better. So, do i miss him…….yes in the short term, but never would i wish to meet him face to face ever again. He hurt me so much mentally, his lying when looking you straight in the eye was something to behold, his callousness when he decided i was surplus to his requirements has taken me quite some time to digest, and recover my shell shocked self-esteem. The way i have got him out of my head is every time i felt weak and remembered some of the good times (and there were good times also) is to remember how he treated me specifically at the end when i found out about his cheating is all that i need if i feel even a little nostalgic. It does get better, its true time is a healer – hang in there everyone who thinks the suffering wll never end because it surely will.
Life is for living, time is passing and that is something you can never bring back.
I guess my question is “how do you know if you’re over the ex?” I know most will probably say “if you have to ask then you aren’t over them” but I’m not so sure. I’m still very angry with my ex and I’m still very angry with myself for having let the “relationship” go on for as long as it did. I still ask myself sometimes “why wasn’t I good enough for that bozo?” and yet I know I do deserve love and to have a healthy and solid relationship. But I still think about him a lot and still get angry. The breakup happened over 6 months ago and all contact was officially cut 3 months ago. There has been progress but I’m still hurt.
My issue comes into play because I have been seeing a guy over the past 2 months I used to know a few years back (when we were casual friends). He has been great so far and all the good flags are there: emotionally available, consistent with contact, makes plans, and after a couple months I have found we share many of the same core values. I feel very fortunate to be with him but am I over the ex? Do I have to wait until all anger subsides before I can take up with this new guy?
Would I take my ex back? no – not in a million years. If he asked me to meet up would I? No – but mostly because I would be afraid I would fall back into a bad habit and take the manipulative bait that he’s so fond of using. I feel like I need the ‘OK GO” stamp before I can move on.
Ayudame?
I think you’ve answered your own question Holydigit – still angry, still wondering why you’re not good enough for the “bozo”, still hurting, still afraid you’ll fall back into the old habit and take the bait. It’s you that needs to give yourself the OK. It’s you that needs to deal with your anger – you know you’re over your ex when you feel and deal with the anger and get into neutral. You know you’re over them when in acknowledging that they’re a bozo you recognise the sheer madness in wondering why you’re not good enough for someone who behaves in this way. You know you’re over them when you’ve felt all your feelings about the breakup, processed the loss and stopped hurting. You know you’re over them when you no longer have any concern that you’d ‘take the bait’ because you know you’ve dealt with your feelings about them.
Have to add Nat –
You know you are over them when you accept who they truly are and want no part of that!
You know you are over them when you accept who you are and realize your human and make mistakes and thats ok.
True acceptance is giving up all hope of having a better past AND by living in the present moment now you can create a better “recent” past by your choices.
Well I got myself in another mess with men.I cant believe how naive I can be.Im very suspicious that the guy Im dating now is using me for money.He noticed that Im starting to fall for him(isnt amazying how I can fall so easy?) and so knows that I wont say no to him.When we go out Im the one always paying for everything and he even asked me to lend him some money a while ago.He never mentioned when he will pay me back since then btw(my friends are pretty sure that he wont pay).And everytime I ask when we will meet he just says “I will see wich day is possible for me and let you know” but he never comes back to me.Is always me to have to keep taking care of coming up with a date and sometimes he will cancel on the last minute like he did today with our date for tomorrow.Why this keep happening to me? Is like I can never get it right.
Anusha, Anusha, Anusha. I’m shaking my head…
You don’t know when he’s going to pay it back because you didn’t ask before you lent him the money. Vagina’s, libidos, and overactive imaginations are not good at lending decisions….
You chose to lend him the money because you thought it would hook you in with him. The only reason why you would think like that is because you already knew prior to lending him the money that he was shady but you still chose to lend it because you thought it would change him or give you a hold.
And I’m not even going to begin to say why it keeps happening because you already know the answer because you’ve been told many times. You know it’s unlikely you’ll get the money back, right?
I know I probably wont get the money like I also know that my friends are probably right about him.I wanted to believe that he is different and that my friends are saying that cause they dont know him well but I know that Im just saying that to convince myself.I really wish he was the caring kind of guy that he showed to me but I know deep inside that he probably was just displaying that behaviour to keep me hooked.Im so angry right now.At him for using me like that,at myself for falling for it.At relationships that right now just seem a bunch of disapointment and waste of time to me.
@Anusha. This guy has shown you his true colours already- asking you for money???? i’m tutting here… any guy that asks for money is no good. No decent guy with good values would ask you for money. and he’s no intention of giving it back to you. anusha, you’re not a cash machine! dont let this guy use you. He’s also shown you he’s unreliable and uncaring and he can’t even commit to a date with you.
Anusha, i think you don’t take enough control of your own life and your decisions. You are putting yourself on the proverbial chopping block here. Don’t do it. you don’t have to “go along” with this guy. tell him get lost. Natalie has given you good advice,. take it.
Is this the one that is married?
Anusha
Why does this keep happening to you? Why do you fall so easily? It’s easy for us to know why – we’re seeing it from the outside. We’re not in the middle of it feeling confused, helpless and victimised. I would suggest kindly that you need to see it from the outside too, ie remove yourself from the situation (no more men) for about six months or so and then revisit. I don’t think you’ve got any chance of answering your own questions when you are, to put it bluntly, being jerked around from pillar to post.
For what it’s worth, this isn’t happening to you like a random weather event. You are in there actively making it happen. These are your choices, this is your life. No-one made you lend him money and no-one is maing you pay for him. You choose to do it. If you want to know why you make such bizarre choices (and we have all done it, mine have been even more odd) then you must take some time out for yourself. Constantly looking for the next man to make it right isn’t going to work. You’ve tried it. Maybe time to try something different now.
Forget the money. You’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Thanks girls.I just wanted to be happy in a relationship at least once but every time I try it goes bad and I end up hurt and disapointed.Yes it was my choice to lend him money and pay for everything,Im aware of that.And if you ask me why I did it I dont know,I guess I was trying to buy his affection(for more humiliating that it seems).To please him so he would stay with me.And he took advantage of that and used me.I guess Im so desperate to be loved that Im willing to do anything for that.But on the end I never get the love that I so much want.
anusha
you will never find the love that you want until you love yourself. it’s not about the men. they’ve got nothing to do with it. they’re just distracting you from the core issue – how you feel about yourself. you think so little of yourself that you willingly throw yourself at men who are complete losers. a precious thing needs to be taken care of. you don’t leave it in the care of untrustworthy people who lie, cheat and/or steal.
i’m being blunt here as you don’t seem to get it. it’s not them. it’s you. if you could only understand that you’ll have the power to change your life.
i persevere with these explanations because it took me years to get it, but i hope it doesn’t take you years. it’s painful to watch you go through this.
take care of yourself. who else in this world can do that better than you?
Anusha – please please please listen. I have watched you for a long time and yes its recycle repeat. Grace is right on – love yourself first – Nat is right on – you know this deep down inside. Take a break from guys and get into you. You have the answers – you just need the COURAGE to go INSIDE and find them in yourself. Be brave, be bold and face it – its a scary forest – but you will be stronger when you come out the other side.
I understand that I suposed to work on me but how? What to do exactaly? And I dont want to be alone,I want to have a relationship.A good one that will give me what I want and make me happy.
Anusha
You’re going to have to be alone, for a little while. See it as an investment in yourself and your future. It’s not a punishment. It can be great fun. Relationships can’t make you happy, you make yourself happy. No decent man is interested in a woman who’s saying to him (through actions if not words) “Give me what I want, make me happy”. The only men who are into that are the ACs and EUMs as they see someone they can exploit. A decent man wants an equal partnership. You can’t just look for a good man, you have to be a good woman yourself first. Take a break – do things you enjoy, join a book group, take up hiking, reconnect with female friends (sensible ones) and family (provided they aren’t toxic), socialise more, do whatever you would be doing if you weren’t worrying about the current “relationship”.
No men, no dating, no exes, no hangers on. Get rid of them all and start again. Read Nat’s post again – where’s the fire?
Maybe see a counsellor, it does help to talk it over with someone.
Thanks grace,I can see now how I realy need to work on myself.Im serious considerating to go to a counselour now after seeing how much I can put up with.I guess there is something very wrong with me and that needs to change.
In the last 2 years I have learned so much and dealt with quite a few issues.
I split up with my EUM in August 2009, started no contact in July 2010 (after trying and failing for months to start NC). This happened when I changed my number and blocked all ines of communication online.
I now realise that when I was with the EUM I was actually mourning my previous 4 and half year relationship, which I left and jumped into the amrs of the EUM. So I wasn’t just mourning that 1 year EUM flimsy relationship, but that one also!
I’ve dated ALOT of guys since and they just keep popping up, a few have nice intentions and I have found myself feeling like im ready to move on but losing interest so fast……….
I make the decision to not date anyone and in a few weeks when Im drunk and hormonal I meet someone and forget my promise and have good intentions but I either get bored or sleep with them too early as I am craving that attention. Its been so frustrating.
One guy who was seriously interested in me (we dated for a few months and I broke it off), we were out drinking and I was drunk and he escorted me home. Stayed over and I ended up sleeping with him. He was looking something more than this and despite him knowing he still went along with it. I actually had to be really cruel to him as I could not even remember my drunken behaviour. So frustrating.
I had a male friend with serious relationship issues whose been chasing me for a while and I slept with him for the fun of it. Even though I knew he wants a FWB and Im TRYING not to be interested in a FWB situation now. It was not great sex and it felt wrong.
I believe that was the turning point I needed. I now realise that alcohol + hormones + used to having sexual contact = casual sex/FWB/using a guy with good intentions.
I do not want to do this anymore! I want to go at least three months – six months without a date or sex. So far since 2008 I always have a male around to entertain me in some way.
And now Im at this point……..what happens?
A guy whom I would like to take seriously, take it slow, get to know, wait as long as possible to have sex with, etc……. turns up
I swear to god some up there is playing with me!
and now I am contemplating
should I stick to my goal of no males for 6 months or should I date him and get to know him?
We went out for a date last night and kissed, this was the third date. He is someone I’ve known for years and he is not related to me but also part of my extended family. Because if I continue seeing him I am determined to do it right and wait for sexual contact and take it slow etc……
So far he seems fine with this.
A few months ago my ex whom I was with for 4 years text me to say ‘hi’ and I told him I cant speak to him at all even a friendly message and I bumped into the EUM at a party (after 9 months of NC) and he ‘apologised’ to me. I actually started laughing it was so pathetic, where as at the same time poignant. As I will see him again in March in close proximity for 3 days! I KNOW that I wont even blink when hes in the room (although I still found his face incredibly attractive cant av cake! lol).
So in the 9 months of NC I’ve dealt with my feelings of messing up a 4 and half year relationship and explored why I felt the massive urge to leave it behind and why I was emotionally available for some time and then so emotionally unavailable and broke it off! i remember feeling like I relying on my partnet way too much to prep me and up and feeling that whilst I was in that relationship I would not learn to find happiness within, which is a shame as he had good intentions and he was a decent guy, but ultimitely I was never truly available to him. hard to admit but its the truth.
Going back to my date………….why is this happening right now? am I truly about to date and develop something meaningful or am i lost in the moment yet again? (my trust within myself hasnt the 100% over the last 2 years)
Ok…so after almost a year of NC, he came back…followed me on not one, but two vacations…made an appearance on the first and stayed with me on the second….neither were booty calls (as I had suspected and feared)…he just “was”….didn’t feel the “fire” like I had in the past but really LIKED the man, albeit it, a very different man, who showed up this time….am I being too generous? Hood winked? Not sure where, if anywhere it will go THIS time…just felt an incredible sense of calm and peace rather than the usual burning passion to have mad passionate sex that even sharing a bed, we did not….thoughts?
@Allison. Isuppose the question to ask yoursedlf is what will be different this time around. Are the problems previously there still there? ask the right questions.
I read and still reread the posts on what it means to love myself and work on myself. Little by little it sinks in.
Funny how only by doing a little more each day to love myself, NML’s words start to make more sense, they become confirmation of my experience, not just a textbook lesson I’m trying to follow. Also, little by little, I begin to remember moments from my most recent relationship differently: things he did and said, and the contradictions between the two, become not confusing, not ‘how could he say that?’, but just a memory of ridiculous behaviour, and the contradictions between what I said and did are, well, testament to me not totally loving myself.
I broke up with my ex in Sept, and wanted to be ‘over it’ by Dec. 31. In January I had my profile up on a site for a few weeks, went on a couple dates that made for good comic anecdotes afterwards, but have been off the site for a few weeks now.
I’m not totally over it. But I plan to do the work to get over ‘everything’ this time: the relationship with him, and everything I wasn’t over that allowed me to get involved with someone so deeply before having way more trust established. I wish it could all happen on a predictable timeline, so I could put it in my day planner, and say to anyone nice who might come along now, can you call me after, say, Aug 31, 2011? I’ll be available then. 🙂
I’ve been reading with so much interest every other article posted. This one has captured my attention so much more than the others because I can say I am in this phase of my life. From what I remember and it’s not that I’ve been a “guys” girl but all the men in my life have misstreated me. I even have a daughter of the one I thought was going to be my life partner. Anyway… now I know that, after he left us, I stepped so fast into another relationship and I wasn’t even looking for anybody. I was so hurt and then I met this charming guy and even worse, it was an online relationship. Yeah I know, silly me… we were in different continents… and he told me some of his issues, I told him mine and then we were in a “relationship”… I went to his country and there I met his family, closest friends and some other things from his close environment. I realized everything he told me on the web has true.. but somehow… I couldn’t trust him… for the things he used to say about women and how he looked at them and most of all for the things he expected me to do… anyway, he made so much promises and when I went back my country I realized he was also with someone else there. After reading this, I realized that he made the No Contact rule with me… it was really hard but after 3 times I tried to contact and no response came I gave up but it was really hard. Anyway… after 9 months he contacted me again!! and of course, I responded and even I didn’t expect to be his gf… I must accept that I wanted to be “his friend”. From then and until I started to read this blog, I was bragging that he was the one looking for me and not me to him… but now I know why he was calling, texting or emailing me back after some periods of having been disappeared. In fact, the last time I saw him was last January… and then I found out about this blog!! OMG!! I wish I had found it before. Anyway… I know that I am not over him yet… I don’t miss him as before, but eventually I think about all we had and sometimes I like to know what is he into, I dated some guys but I was always comparing and then I thought I am not ready to have a relationship but I DONT KNOW HOW!!! But I don’t want to give up, I still want to find the one to share my life and live somehow… an ideal relationship… Just that… thanks for this blog!
I agree with Nat’s advice. I do. But I would caution on waiting too long. It has been almost 10 years and I haven’t been on a date. Not one. All because I didn’t feel ready. Now I’m 10 years older and too old to have kids (late 30s) and my prospects are slim to none. If I’d pushed myself a bit perhaps I wouldn’t be in this awful situation now. So ladies, listen carefully to Natalie. I wish I’d had this advice back then.
This is a great post, and one that really resonates with me at the moment! As you can read in my recent blog series about internet dating, at http://www.harrietbond.com, trying to date when you are not ready serves only to help you repeat unhealthy patterns in your life. The only way to stop yourself being on the merry-go-round is to just get off, rest and heal so that your head isn’t dizzy with the need for male attention, and re-discover yourself. It is a remarkable gift being single, and I am only just starting to realise this. Getting to know who I am and learning to care for and respect myself are skills I will now have for the rest of my life. If another man had come along the minute I found myself single again, I would never have had the opportunity to go on this journey of discovery, because I would just be focusing yet again on someone else, and waiting for them to validate my existence and worth! It is so great to read so many women’s comments and find that they are taking time out for themselves and not feeling desperate to hop straight into another relationship. This is very heartening!!!
Natalie, I’ve been preaching this to my friends for YEARS!!!!! Thank you for your blog post on this!
When I was in my 30’s, I broke up with a guy. One of my friends thought that I “Should” be “out” again, and she just handed my phone number to a guy I didn’t know without telling me. I cussed her out for it. Her rationale: “When she broke up with a guy, she would just date like mad.” My rationale: I “hide in a cave” until I’m over it.
When you try to date just after a breakup, things just don’t “work.” It’s a waste of time, yours and the other persons.
In my 40’s, I did go through a time of “casual” relationships, but I knew I was doing that. So did the guy. It worked for whatever I needed at the time….. but I wouldn’t do it again.
I sat upright in bed at 3:30 am this morning and thought about this post. I absolutely got it. I finally understand what you have been talking about. At the time when the AC and I got together, I hated myself. I just didn’t know it consciously. Because I hated myself and didn’t like and respect myself, I attracted someone who didn’t like or respect me either. Who treated me badly and fulfilled my prophecies about myself and love. He also hated himself and thought horribly of himself and his ability to love and, in the end, that’s exactly how I felt about him too.
As for shared values, I see things in a new way there, too. I had wanted the relationship to work. I think of ir as a place to grow and heal and I had wanted to do that in that relationship. I had wanted to use my time and interactions with him to learn to love myself and care about myself. I had thoughtI you could only do that within the space of a relationship. He had wanted no part of that. To him, relationships are supposed to be easy and good and fun. The second they become work and effort and painful, you dump them. I was just supposed to unconditionally love, accept and adore him with no effort on his part and, when I didn’t, I was beaten for it.
We were both looking for something or somone outside ourselves to validate and love us. To have someone else make us feel good about ourselves. I was and am willing to do the work. He just wanted it to be a fun and free ride. How we thought about relationships and the purpose they serve was too different and it was never going to work out for that reason alone – that, and we both really hated ourselves.
The best thing about this is that I don’t need his permission or cooperation for the learning and healing to continue. Whether he likes it or not (and I am certain he would not like it), I can continue to grow and heal and learn to love myself in this “relationshp”. He can be a great teacher, even if he was an awful partner. It was the worst relationship of my life but it has been necessary and important to get where I needed to go. To learn my lessons and begin to try and love myself.
When I love myself and believe I am worthy of a healthy good love (and will stand for nothing less), I will receive it. In the meantime, it has gotten so much clearer to me that that does not only happen in romantic relationships. Nor do I need a man to help me learn to love myself.
Thank you Natalie. Keep saying what you are saying, in as many ways as you can think of to say it. Eventually, it sinks in and becomes part of your readers’ consciousness. That’s when it changes lives.
debra
that’s so spot on. finally after years in the AC/EUM wilderness i finally got it. i don’t excuse their diabolical behaviour but ultimately we live in free country (thankfully) and it is our choice to be with them. we’re not their hapless victims, we do it to ourselves. at first it’s a horrible realisation but if we work it though it’s ultimately liberating. what we are responsible for (ie our choices) we can change. instead of hopelessly trying to change someone else. and who says they want to change, okay he may be an AC/EUM loser with huge problems and contradictions, but if that’s how he wants to be what right to we have to change him?
Anusha, Hi!!! Can’t believe you’re still on here saying the same old thing! Anyway, I’m not one to talk, been away for awhile and back again! The boring/nice guy that I felt I was changing my ways for ended up being EXACTLY like the casual relationship scenario you just posted Nat, all the hallmarks and no substance……BUT I called him on it and he dumped me because I needed more from him ie to make plans ahead of time, and he said he couldn’t be in a serious relationship. Devastated…. but if the guy can’t make plans after breakfast what would a lifetime be like with him??
Vicki,
How long were you together?
P.S. You girls would have known me as Vixen!!
I love this post! Im in at the stage of healing where I am working on myself and until I am strong i refuse to date. I swear I am almost terrified of flirting and smiling too much with a man out of fear that they will initiate a date or further contact! lol Im just not ready yet and trust me i know it. I will continue to empower myself and use your blog as a tool. Thank you for doing what you do!
I’ve just gotten out of the first real relationship I’ve had in a good 10 years (the one 10 years ago was with a seriously bad guy, and he did a lot of damage). I say “real” relationship because although I dated plenty over those 10 years this one that just ended is the first one I let myself become emotionally invested in, the first one where the guy actually got to “boyfriend” status in my head. Naturally, it blew up in my face. I had let myself think that after 10 years I knew what I was doing, had figured out what I wanted and could recognize a perfect match when I saw one. Not so much.
Despite a relatively steady dating life I’ve never actively put effort into meeting people. I’ve generally just gotten involved with men I’ve met as I went about my own business without giving it much thought. Strangely though, two days after this breakup my first instinct was to sign up for a dating sight. All of the sudden, I want to be out there and proactive in my search for true love!
Fortunately I stopped myself. I am now making a conscious effort to step back and figure out exactly why what started out to be a such promising relationship ended being such an epic disappointment. So far I’ve figured out that he was completely unavailable (which I knew early on but chose ignore/justify away) and that I was trying to be the exception. Also, that I failed to maintain boundaries because I was so sure he was Mr. Right it seemed safe to let him cross them. Oops. Well…more work to be done for me, thats for certain. Thank god for this site.
I like the advice “Don’t treat someone like an option!”, and I was thinking about the fact that I read in another BR article that “multiple dating is spreading yourself thin”. Here’s the thing: my ex is out of the picture (well, not out of the picture – for those who know the story, but at least out of my interests), my state of mind is a good one – I’m not depressed at all, and I’m not into one of those “all men are assholes” modes. Not by a long shot! 😉 I also keep in touch with some guys whom I MIGHT be interested in, but I don’t know them well enough to be sure that they are relationship material. I can say I’m exploring my “options” (as much as we may not like the word), although I’m not actually DATING them. All I do is acknowledge their presence, their qualities which are perceivable so far, and trying to get to know them better, as friends, for now. My question is: at what point would I have to worry about “spreading myself thin” and to what extent shuld someone explore several choices at once, without getting into trouble?
Hey Sandra81, I’m curious to ask what you mean about exploring your options. If it’s not too much of a personal question to ask, are you sleeping with any of them? Getting physical? Or it it just platonic, getting to know them without getting physical.
I’m asking because when I start meeting guys again, I think i’d like to take it physically slow.
I also love this post.
I recognize that I am emotionally unavailable because I don’t love myself enough or like myself enough to believe that a kind, loving, consistent guy could want a serious relationship with me. I even have difficulty believing that my friends really love me for me, when time and time again they are still around and new people express interest of hanging out with me.
I have made a lot of healing progress in forgiving both my parents but there’s still that little girl inside me who would rather play alone than connect with people because she’s scared and hurt and distrustful.
So why date right now? I had a “thingy” recently with this guy who is on a break with his ex. He told me he still loves her. So what the hell am I doing hanging out with him, and going into intimate territory?
…….
I am settling for scraps of whatI deserve because I don’t feel good enough.
Granted, this guy is not a pig, pervert or insensitve jerk. He has been honest with me. But to choose to give my time and energy to him is to reinforce the belief that… I’m not good enough.
So I kinda feel like I’m standing on the edge of the pool, dipping a toe in, and getting back out if the water’s not right. Despite soem of my friends telling me I just gotta jump in… sometimes, in life, jumping in is not the best idea.