Yesterday in part one, I explained about how we often base our thinking about what’s likely to happen in our relationships based on exceptions and anomalies instead of the reality. Part of this stems from what can be a tendency to dine off illusions in poor relationships, but it also largely stems from the fact that many of us pursue relationship agendas where we effectively hope that in spite of someone’s consistent behaviour, that they’ll make us the exception to their rule.
This feeds back into pursuing the fairy tale, albeit a warped one where “The frog has become symbolic of taking a man, any man, and no matter how badly he behaves, believing with all of our hearts, minds, and souls, that in there, lies a prince. After all, one day, our prince will come, won’t he?”
You’re effectively believing that the reward of gambling on this person and it coming through will outweigh all of the pain en route.
However as I talked about in my post on knowing when to fold in relationships, it’s a bit like betting on a 3-legged horse and wondering why it doesn’t race and win like a thoroughbred….
If the 3-legged horse did win, it’d be like a miracle…or something straight out of a fairy tale…
By choosing relationships that have negative patterns at the heart of them and then wanting to be the exception, it’s like actively seeking out ‘less than’ partners and hoping that with the right amount of love and care, that they will ‘see’ you and ‘value’ you, and make you the exception to the rule of treating people poorly. Unfortunately, when we ‘love’ and ‘care’ about people who not only don’t feel the same way but have some pretty poor relationship habits themselves, we send a signal that we can’t possibly like or love ourselves very much and this is often exploited.
Shouldn’t you want more than a ‘less than’ partner?
More often than not, the overwhelming rule is that when someone acts without love, care, trust, and respect towards you and doesn’t want to be in the relationship in the way that you want to be in it, you will end up in a negative cycle of feeling invalidated, seeking validation, and feeling perpetually disappointed that they are not changing and ‘reciprocating’ in spite of the fact that you’re there.
You’ll feel aggrieved that you’re showing and giving all of this ‘love’ and feel rejected by their lack of care with what you’re giving. However in spite of the fact that you know you’re not being treated that well, you’ll stay, partly because you feel like you’ve invested so much that you want to see your investment pay off, and partly because in choosing this destructive relationship and feeling rejected, you keep trying to ‘prove’ yourself and assume it’s something flawed in you that has caused it. You hope that the ‘work’ you put in will pay off – you think that the ‘end’ (I guess that would be the fairy tale ending where they eventually make you the exception), will justify the means.
Part of the desire to get these people to be the exception is that as humans we’re creatures of habit averse to change.
We’ll ‘happily’ indulge in relationship insanity – repeatedly doing the same things and expecting different results – because it seems easier to stick with the familiar uncomfortable than it is to make real change and go with the unfamiliar unknown. We dramatise the ‘unknown’ and create obstacles and pitfalls, even though in the familiar uncomfortable that we’ve lived and are living, there are plenty of obstacles and pitfalls that have created and are creating pain – obstacles and pitfalls that we stick by in a better the devil you know mentality, especially when you think that the devil that you know might just come good one day.
In part one yesterday ‘Brightside’ commented about how she had once been the exception and had a man leave his wife for her only to experience ten years of pain – the relationship is over now. But she added “…as I recover from my experience of being an exception, I have found myself wishing to be an exception again. Again!! Who am I kidding besides myself? Does lightening strike twice in the same place? Who wins the lottery twice? And yet, I cannot convince myself I will NOT be the exception this time.”
Yes people – we are waiting around for lightening to strike! Twice even! The thing is, even if it does strike, it’s a bit like getting a poisoned chalice. Do you really want to be struck by lightening? Likewise, would you base your life around trying to win the lottery?
Oddly, these two things are symbolic of something. The ‘lightening’ is basically standing still and hoping that a series of things will come together in some random circumstance and strike you. The ‘lottery’ is basically going for the ‘win’ not ‘earn’ route, again with a random circumstance. Both represent a ‘better to wait for things to change rather than do the inner work’.
Managing our desire to be the exception in relationships has really got to be a call to action where we have to address our ego’s – yes, we all have them, not just assclowns and Mr Unavailables!
As I have consistently said, we have to connect the fact that if we don’t like never mind love ourselves, we will put ourselves in incredibly painful relationship situations as we attempt to seek validation and try to fill a gaping void with attention from someone else, when we really need to fill up our own tank.
In our attempts to fill up our tanks and seeking to be the ‘exception’ we’re going out looking for ‘major’ signs.
It’s not enough to meet a decent guy, who wants to call when he says he will, get together consistently and grow a relationship with you where the attraction continues to grow in a healthy way, where you can have boundaries and be treated with love, care, trust, and respect.
No – we want a ‘big show’ of love with fireworks, roaring chemistry, and little substance, and what better way to get someone to make you the exception by:
Having them leave someone else for you.
Sleeping with them in a booty call/Friends Who Eff/casual sex/or whatever you want to call it arrangement and them eventually ‘falling in love’ with you and forsaking all others and declaring you ‘the one’.
Being treated poorly while you’re in a ‘relationship’ with them and after a series of attempts at breaking up, you cut contact properly, and this time he comes crawling back on his hands and knees because he has suddenly seen the light.
Having a barely there relationship where the bulk of communication is by text/email/instant messenger. Occasionally you speak on the phone normally when you’re clarifying date arrangements, and dinner and drinks is really just soaping you up for a shag. You keep pushing for more, he keeps telling you it’s all you’re going to get. But you stay. Eventually, after willing, waiting, and hoping, he ‘suddenly’ decides he’s ready. Five/ten/fifteen years later.
Being lied to constantly. Not knowing where they are, who they’re with. Maybe they’ve run up your credit cards, lost you your house, spun a web of lies, cheated, begged, borrowed, and stolen. But one day, he’s going to have a visit from the Ghost of Assclown Past, and he’s going to come grovelling on his knees and beg forgiveness and be a better man and you’ll live happily ever after.
I could give you umpteen scenarios but I’ll spare you!
If we choose partners that respect our boundaries and act with love, care, trust, and respect as part of their general character, these people are far more likely to yield a decent relationship because it’s not a stretch to behave decently – it’s part of their core behaviour because they act with integrity and strong values in all areas.
It’s important to note that often in being involved with people who create unhealthy relationships, we have to make them the exception and create a whole different set of rules – I constantly hear from women how they accept behaviour from men and act differently in relationships, in ways that would be totally unacceptable in other areas of their lives.
It’s time to start asking yourself what you’re asking to be the exception to. If you’re asking someone to make you the exception to their habit of treating partners badly, cheating, taking money, backtracking on promises, flip flapping about making decisions, and doing things to serve their own ends, I suggest you rewrite your vision of the fairy tale before you let the goodness be drained out of your life.
Many people operate off the ‘they have their good points’ and even if it’s 10%, they ignore the other very worrying 90%…
Let’s be real – it’s pretty ‘exceptional’ for someone to radicalise themselves and take such a massive leap in character.
I’m not saying it doesn’t happen however maybe it’s time to worry about why you need someone so lacking in basic character and relationship decency.
Use your pattern of relationships and also what you know about your ‘partners’ character and behaviour to establish the ‘rule’ – you know who they are based on how they consistently behave, not the pockets/glimmers of good.
Choose to make your future relationships exceptions to your usual rule by choosing different routes.
Make sure that you increase the likelihood of being treated decently and being in a healthy relationship, by engaging with and choosing to be with people who reflect positive beliefs about relationships and are not reliant on you having no boundaries and not enough love, care, trust, and respect for yourself.
Stop relying on people to change so dramatically for your relationships to work. You only have to look at what has happened in the past to know that this kind of change is limited. Chasing the exception is refusing to be self-aware and deal with your own needs for change and instead hoping that if you stay as you are, someone, somewhere, will eventually change and be the exception to a painful rule of behaviour.
Your thoughts?
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I would like to go to a self-esteem class. Seriously, NML. A 3 month college level course on how-to. Maybe a year long course.
Becasue that comes at the heart of each of your posts.
It has to be in place to understand change, to implement change, to KNOW what is good for you and what isn’t and consistently unflinchingly choose the good and ruthlessly discard what isn’t.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..February Gardens =-.
I gave up “chasing the exception” for Lent this year. I was seriously tempted last night after I had a horrible internet dating phone conversation with a guy I had been getting to know via email over the past couple weeks. I knew if I called and reached my ex we’d have a flirty, fun conversation. However, I resisted. I actually put my phone outside my apartment door, locked it and went to bed. I woke up feeling horrible, went to a spin class and worked out some frustration. I still felt sad. I went to work, shed a few tears on the way. I also booked an appointment tonight with my therapist. I want to be DONE chasing the exception and unavailable men (which is an accurate description of my ex).
So, at first I thought I was in a horrible state. However, now, I feel a lot stronger because I know that I did NOT reach out. I felt my emotions instead of reacting to them. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have done that. Three to five years ago I definitely wouldn’t have done that. I would have engaged in conversation or email banter with a Mr. Unavailable – felt like I had taken painkillers or even drugs for about a day to a week, then plunged into deeper despair.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not joyful and all smiles right now. However, I know I will not feel that deep despair – and that makes me very hopeful.
Here is to change, it’s hard but I am beginning to feel that it will eventually happen and definitely be worth it.
Ashley
I too want to be DONE chasing the exception and unavailable men.
“I felt my emotions instead of reacting to them.”
I have recently learned how important allowing myself to feel my emotions are instead of reacting to them. Doing so is so vital to taking control of my life. It reminds me to stop and think and ask myself what is really good for me?
At times it can be such a difficult journey but I am willing to learn, grow and heal. I am worthy of better treatment from not only others but from myself first and foremost.
Oh wow what an interesting post (s)! It made me think so much. I remember that at the beginning of our relationship my ex told me that the mother of his children, who he had never married, was very negative about him. Whereas he thought that although he wasn’t perfect he was basically a good guy because he had more good points than bad points. I went along with the theory that nobody is perfect so I had a cold shock when I read:
” Many people operate off the ‘they have their good points’ and even if it’s 10%, they ignore the other very worrying 90%…”
almost word for word this is what he said to me but it’s only today, nearly three years after he said that to me, that I’m realising what a red flag it was. Of course he didn’t say that his bad points amounted to 90% – he put it much more positively in his favour than that!
Thinking back this last ex was better than the previous two….or was it that he was much more practiced at selling himself and putting himself in a good light even if I was a bit uncomfortable with what he said.
Now I’m going to recognise that uncomfortable feeling, although I may not finish the relationship straight away I’m going to go away, and examine just WHY I feel uncomfortable. And be totally honest with myself why I have this feeling. After all I must feel uncomfortable for a reason….
And I will keep it real – in any relationship : friends; family; workmates etc etc.
Thank you NML I feel I’ve made a great leap forward tonight
Moonchaser
@ NML
Being treated poorly whilst you’re in a ‘relationship’ with them and after a series of attempts at breaking up, you cut contact properly, and this time he comes crawling back on his hands and knees because he has suddenly seen the light.
I hate to say this I truly do but even after nearly 4 months of the NCR, every now and then I still find myself thinking “I just know he will realise he has made a mistake”
I’ve made progress as in, at the beginning of the NCR when I would think that, I would be happy and thought “id take him back but he would need to change blah blah blah”. Then that changed to, “id feel glee that he wanted me back and I could hurt him right back by rejecting him like he has done me”. Horrible I know!!!
Now when that thought crosses my mind I think, yes part of me would think “I told you so and feel a bit validated” but for the most part I think, “God it would be uncomfortable because I know I could never go back”.
I hate that still after all this time there is a small part of me that wants to hear “I made a mistake”
Maybe that’s kind of normal though? I mean when you know you didn’t really do anything wrong, why wouldn’t you want to hear “yes I made a mistake”
We expect to hear it in all other area’s of our life, like if you’re wrongly accused by a boss, a friend, the bank makes a mistake or what ever.
However I can definitely see that if you’re waiting around for the “im sorry” or “I was wrong” then that would be a huge mistake.
You need to work it out for yourself, validate yourself and stand by your decision.
After all if we felt great in the relationship none of us would feel the need to do NCR to begin with.
NML both posts are amazing 🙂
Hi Natalie!
You had me in >>>you keep trying to ‘prove’ yourself and assume it’s something flawed in you that has caused it. <<<
Well, wasn't it?? That's the only control/influence i had in that r/s. If the AC's lack of love and commitment wasn't caused by something i caused, or did, or failed to do or should have done, then i had zero control/influence and the thought of being powerless was just too daunting.
That was before I joined BR and learned what an AC i'd been hoping that the other AC would one day wake up and realize what a jewel he'd had all along. Ain't nevah gonna happen sista!
So – the smart thing was to stop believing in miracles, stop holding my breath and go NCR. Period. No other way to regain my self-esteem/self-worth is going to happen with the current situation. And w/o change, i'll never attract a man of moral character, strong values, who's loving and trustworthy. Now here's something i can rectify and "cause" good things to happen!!
Thanks for your wonderful article. Inch by inch i heal and grow towards the light ((^_^))
you keep trying to ‘prove’ yourself and assume it’s something flawed in you that has caused it. <<<
I had a problem with that one also. I know where it stems from, a judgmental father where i had to be perfect and could never quite live up to what he expected. So somehow i wound up with someone also very judgmental cleverly hidden behind "im just an insecure guy" I have some brief moments of clarity where i can see i was actually a great partner and the big issues were his. But i have to keep reminding myself of that or i fall into the "whats wrong with me, what did i do" phase, playing victim in a way? At the end of the day we are all human and we are not perfect, we make mistakes, dont always look perfect and dont always say the right thing. No one should be judge on just having a human experience. The difference between us and AC's or EUM is that we are trying to do the very best we can, for ourselves, for our partner and for the realtionship. We are trying to be proactive, not reactive and counterproductive. I honestly cant think of anything more counterproductive in a relationship then someone deciding the best way to resolve an issue is to withdraw for days and days and create misery, tension and anxiety over an issue that could have been resolve with a conversation. Its almost like they dont really want to be happy. They prefer the drama?
Trinity, Excellent post! This is exaclty how I feel towards the Ex now too. I have trained myself to NOT look at myself as the victim or thinking “what did I do wrong”. It takes two to tango. His withdrawal was so aweful that basically sabotaged the pretend relationship that we had and ultimately lead to so much confusion, anxiety and pain. And yes, it felt as if what he really wanted to create was drama! Instead of mutual understanding. His communication skills SUCK!! Conversations were so difficult with him in fact I dont think we ever had a good conversation with him at all.
Trinity I related so much to the last line of your post….”After all if we felt great in the relationship none of us would feel the need to do NCR to begin with”. I’m almost 5 months NC and its still a struggle.
NML, another amazing article! I downloaded both of your ebooks, and I have been reading them non-stop. It’s hard to look at my patterns glaring back at me, but I felt like layers of hurt and anger were peeled off like an onion the more I read. Halfway through I stopped and just cried because here were my answers. I highly recommend reading both ebooks. If you enjoy NML’s articles, the ebooks are more in depth and reflective.
Hang in there Ashley,
It will get better. I’ve been there and still am recovering. I’m glad you locked your phone out. Sometimes the desire to call them is so strong, you can FEEL it in your stomach. I so badly want to talk with him at my most desperate moments. It’s like I have emotional amnesia. The clock moves slowly, and listening to all of the screwed up EUM love songs on the radio DOES NOT HELP. Going on dates right now actually makes it worse because I miss my blowing hot jolts from my EUM. (Strangely I can block out all of the “blowing cold” moments and concentrate only on his positives…hmmm). DENIAL! My EUM is my childhood sweetheart, once again rekindled in a whirlwind romance after 15 years. BIG SIGN EVERYONE: If a man tells you he keeps choosing/dating people he can’t settle down with because he’s not ready for marriage so he sabotages the relationship, all his relationships last around two years and then he’s out”, all his relationships “have been long distance, his fiancé cheated on him 9 years ago and since then he’s never loved or trusted fully a girl again” (the boohoo story that makes me want to “oh my god, let me hug you, I’ll show you real love baby”), and he wants to “marry you though because you are the exception” (YES, He actually said all of these things…which remarkably are signs of the EUM stated in NML’s blogs) I know right? It’s like NML is psychic….at least that’s how I felt when I read her book for the first time. The fact is, there is an overabundance of Assclowns and with eerily similar traits. Maybe there is a assclown lodge where they all get together and discuss the latest smoke blowing technique…who knows.
Anyway, After seeing the Red flags paraded around my handsome assclown, I STILL WISH I could change him and fix him..He was so charming, cute, and mmhmmm all that good guy stuff, oh yeah. But I am letting go of the delusion. I am not the exception, nor is any girl. Assclowns don’t change from the influence of another person other themselves…if they can actually change at all.
And more so – Even if my assclown could change and fully care for me…..would it actually last?
This is my third time trying to make it work with this guy, and I finally have realized my addiction. It’s time to get clean and sober from something that “feels so good” for a moment, but then wreaks havoc in my life. @ Ashley, You deserve better because you choose better for yourself. I’m proud of you! Don’t give in and call him! Wait for better!
-Myrtle
Recovering Assclown addict – no contact date 1/10/10
“Maybe there is a assclown lodge where they all get together and discuss the latest smoke blowing technique…who knows”
Myrtle you are hillarious, =D but starting to think this could be true. And I feel the same way as you do, these men are a joke!!
NML, I am in agreement with Aurora, a self-esteem class would be a fantastic idea; maybe that could be your next e-book “how to gain your self-esteem and love yourself”.
I personally struggle with this. I think I am an ok person, doing the best I can in my circumstances. I guess I wasn’t raised by people who believed in me, encouraged me. I have made some fantastic achievements, mostly only my own. Yet, I still don’t have that ‘self-love’, self-value that I require. I am not going to get it from anyone else, to begin to believe, and it seems like are round-about circle for me to love my self, when I don’t really!! I am definitely guilty of remaining in relationships way past their use-by date. I don’t want to continue on the cycle – but I am concerned I don’t know how to be any different. I really feel like I should remain solo for the rest of my life so that I don’t subject myself to the hurt & tears once again.
Thank you for the light in this article.
I never really considered myself as “wanting to be the exception” until I read this post. Maybe I never consciously uttered those words, but this didn’t change the desire I harbored. And it IS insane.
So now I have the problem of being inherently “attracted” to the kinda guy who would have to make me the “exception” for things to work out. I am dating an awesome guy who is everything I should be madly in love with, but I find myself thinking something is lacking. I wonder if it’s because I’ve always had drama, suspense, whirlwinds and now that the keel is even, I’m feeling like something must be missing. Talk about insane! I’m trying to give it and ME some time, thinking that for the first time in my life, I might fall for someone as time goes on and not the second I feel the flip-flop in my stomach.
Halfway through “date” #5 with another Mr. Unavailable yesterday, after several non-substantive hours, I realized, “This is not what I want.” And then I read this today. All the signs were there that he was not available but I didn’t want to see them–I wanted to be the exception. But then I saw the signs. So clearly. I feel liberated. It’s sad because another one bites the dust, but I am glad it only took five “dates.” Maybe I am a little closer to self-love and realizing that, truly, it’s not me. Nothing I do will change them. I just gotta be willing to see the signs and pick better next time.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Mr. Unavailable #33: I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone. =-.
Thanks Myrtle! Your comments mean a lot! Hang in there with your no contact as well. Be strong!
trinity that is exactly how i feel, I want him to say he made mistake i know i will never take him back but just want to hear these words. I feel horrible when i find myself imagining how i will reject him when he comes by or how i will be with someone and he will realize he made mistake. I just want to get over him. I really do not know how. I want to stop looking for another relationship so that i can show him how good of women i am. Any advise will be helpfull thank you ladies.
@ naaz,
Hey 🙂 to be honest it just takes time, it’s annoying to hear that but time is the great healer. Maybe some if these partners will never realise what they did, maybe their behaviour is acceptable to them? The point is their behaviour is not acceptable to you, it didn’t make you happy. What helped me was lots of writing in a journal, I could get the crap out of me. Then as writing I started to notice paterns arising, this helped to clear away and sort through the confusion your left with. My friends were amazing! I was careful to keep life simple while I was going through the real bad stuff. Work, eat, rest, sleep. U kinda really just have to go through it. Everytime I cried and thought I’d die, I’d also think each time I’m crying it’s healing me which is true. U also put in the no contact rule from NML. I read her books and it helped me. I gained some control back, this helped me gain some sel esteem and it started s a snow ball affect. You have to know this stuff hurts, good days and rotten days. It takes time. You don’t need his validation, your validation is that you were not happy, it wasn’t good enough for you. Doesn’t matter who left who, it wasn’t working and you want more. Read this post by NML, it helped me a lot . Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns – Part One
by NML on JUNE 23, 2009
Read all the parts, also read her old posts on seeking validation. Again both really helped me.
Just focus on you, don’t worry about him.
Take care 🙂
thank you trinity yeah you are right every time i cry i have taken your advice and think it will heal me. it helps a lot 🙂 thank you .
For me, I have finally accepted that my ex EUMs will never think they made a mistake or regret giving me up. They are who they are and they are not changing. I will admit, I do imagine my rejecting him or the words I will use if he ever asks to see me again. However, when imagining it, it’s not that I think he will feel badly that I am rejecting him. I think he will understand my position and think it’s a shame I can’t just “go with the flow”. It will be hard for me to reject seeing him, but I am resolute to be true to myself. When he only wants to see me when it’s convenient to him, that’s not good enough and I need to say no.
I do think I am over him though. I think a key to getting over him is accepting him for who he is. If you want an available guy, and you accept that he is unavailable – suddenly you don’t want him anymore. That’s been my experience at least.
Where I am at now:
I rarely think about him or his predecessors. There is no EUM in my head taking that space and energy that is theirs even when they are physically. There is humour when I do…
I see that the last one and all the ones before were all the same guy. I realise that this fact reflects my beliefs about myself instilled in childhood by very inadaequate parenting. I know that my children will know that they are loved and extremely lovable.
I see the signs! I realise when I meet a guy and I get ‘that feeling’ its actually more of a cue to run like the wind that true love. And I act on my gut instincts.
I have boundaries in all areas of my life and realise when they are being crossed. I act when they are and act calmly but firmly. I understand that my emotional boundaries are not as strong as they could be.
I am single and have been EUM free for a year. I haven’t had an intimate relationship for three years and frankly wonder if i ever will again. Recently, I realise that sub-consciously I am giving off ‘go-away’ signals to anyone who shows interest. I’m not too bothered though as I am aware and I know that I am not ready to be in a relationship yet.
I know that I know myself much better than before and am my own best friend.
I am not completely healed. Like most people, I look for external validation in some ways.
I live in reality as much as I can. When I’m off down the fanatasy road, the one I know so well, I realise and bring myself back. Its much easier outside of a relationship though I must say..
My life has its moments and challenges, but there is a fantastic peace only found in reality…
I believe that society has changed and there is an over-abundance of AC’s out there. I would say that 90% of people on the dating scene are EUM in some way so its not ‘me’ or my friends. This is a real phenonemon…
I am no longer waiting for my knight in shining armour to ride up and rescue me and am getting on with it on my own.
Thanks NML, your site is fantastic and your words inspired. Its been a long painful road but you have helped me get to where I am today. Keep it up. You are very much appreciated.
Big hugs to everyone on here
xxx