This is probably one of the most common questions that I am asked by women and it seems that no matter what some of you know about yourselves and him, you’re still curious. I’m not surprised…
Most women who took the time to search for information that led them to this site were looking for answers and more importantly, a solution. Admittedly though, I suspect that the ideal solution that many want to hear is one that involves:
You changing and him having a thunderbolt moment where he realises it’s love.
A step by step guide to catching him and keeping him.
Some all joyous news that says with a bit of patience, he will change.
This is the reality: IF he changes and that is a pretty big damn if, it won’t because you stuck at his side pushing your love on him and trying to extract the relationship that you want out of him.
If he changes, you’re still the same person and if you want to be with a man like this, it’s an indicator that you have issues that you need to resolve.
This idea that when they fix, heal, and help themselves and realise the potential you’ve projected on them, that YOU will suddenly feel wonderful is BS. It takes more than him changing for you to be happy and in believing this you place all of the responsibility on an external party for your happiness.
If he changes, he’ll have had to have had something really major happen that switches him from disconnected to connected. What would he do with you then? He’ll want something that reflects his connected, positive life, and that’s unlikely to be you.
Everyone has the capacity for change, but many people don’t because they either don’t believe that they have to change (stubborn), are unaware that they have to change (sometimes deluded), or they have no actual need to change.
Now in the case of Mr Unavailables, clearly they have issues, but one of the things that we as women must accept about men is that it is not down to us to decide that they should change and how they must achieve it.
Men are not children. Many are assclowns with some serious emotional issues that could give them an emotional age that is less than a child’s but it doesn’t mean that women should treat men like they have no clue what they really want and that it’s down for us to decide it.
If you keep trying to raise men from the ground up, trying to get them to change by silently staying at their side saying ‘I love you, I love, love me, love me’ or staying loudly at their side saying ‘If you loved me you’d change. I love you so why don’t your appreciate it?’
Sometimes it takes something really negative to happen for someone to change. I know that one assclown too many was my tipping point, and other have changed because in spending time on their own and confronting some issues about themselves, they felt ready to lead a more connected life.
The reality is that no matter how innocent you think the question of whether they change is; on some level, the great majority of women that ask this question are secretly hoping for a miracle so that they don’t have to opt out of the relationship or dalliance with him.
Hard to hear but true.
It is easier to focus on what you think he needs to do rather than look a little closer to home.
But let me ask you something:
Why do you believe that you know what the solution is to a guy?
The changes that we expect from men are all intrinsically tied to the expectation that they change so that they can love you.
But if you truly love someone and you want them to have real, positive, change, you have to set yourself up for the possibility that it may not include you in their plans, much like if you experience real, positive, change, that they are unlikely to fit in with your life.
If the change that you expect from men comes with strings, i.e. an expectation that you are going to be granted entry into their house of love, you’re expecting too much and betting on potential again.
So back to the original question of do emotionally unavailable men change?
Some do, most don’t. They’re morphers shifting in and out of roles to suit the agenda. As everything is ego driven, don’t be surprised to hear marriage proposals and declarations of love when they suddenly realise they’re not that hot or young anymore and everyone else has settled. They’ll blow hot for a while and then instead of retreating and disappearing, they retreat…but you live in the same house with them and start feeling like everything is a battle.
Ultimately, if they change, it is because something huge happens that makes it difficult to return to old behaviours or opens up a floodgate of connection. They don’t do it with the certainty that there is a steadfast Fallback Girl waiting in the wings for them because there’s no incentive to change.
When people do change, it’s because being around someone or at a particular stage of life makes them want to be the best that they can be and try harder. Unfortunately in the case of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, together, a negative plus a negative, equals a double negative.
The best solution to this? You work on your issues, do a whole load of forgiveness, boost your self-esteem, live a life where you are committed to you and self-love, and radiating positivity, and then see if you still want the same guy…
Want to know more about emotionally unavailable men? Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is the book for you!
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Good Thursday morning to you, NML.
I think you hit another good point. Actaually several of them.
Originally that they may have no desire nor see any need to change.
Then that even if they DO commit to a rerationship, rather than disappearing, they just retreat and everything is a battle/emotional pain.
Then lastly, that really still focusing on what we want them to become with our dreams of their potential is still a a way for us not to focus on improving our own self-esteem so that we don’t want someone who could have treated us so shabbily !
Past history (even with someone else) is indeed a good precursor of present actions (with me) – if a man is a bad penny , blows hot and cold / plays now you see me – now you don’t games, or is dishonest or manipulative or doesn’t take responsibility for his behavior – for YEARS, then even IF he does some work and sees that he ought to make some changes, he is not likely to COMPLETELY change, merely to modify – and then maybe only for the short term.
A total about face is just too extrordinary/highly unlikely. Maybe put it in with the statistics of alcoholics who truly become and stay sober – and that is what, only 10% of them ? And remember, that is a a years long process, not within weeks or even months !
I’d always wondered if he would be different with someone else, be the man I imagined him to be. I don’t think so now after reading your blog over the last two months, and the e-book..
Oh, she might get a bit more than I did, but essentially he is who he is. He’ll simply pick someone where his dysfunctions match hers better – maybe SHE will be even more emotionally unavailable than he is !
But regardless, it won’t be a healthy relationship. It can’t be – he is still a habitual liar, deceptive, avoids responsibility for what he does, etc., – and comfortable with that mindset/behaving that way.
Wishing for an assclown to change – or worrying that he will with someone else – is avoiding our own issues, period. That WE need to change and love ourselves and believe we deserve better than someone who needs to change in order to consistently love us and treat us well.
Thank you again NML (God, I hope you’re not getting sick of having me say that !) for helping me change the way I think. Self-esteem is becoming more than just a word now for me.
Genuinely,
Loving Annie
Loving Annie
p.s. although the following article below is ostensibly about physical abuse, it is right to the point of addressing if he will change and can you just love him enough so that it will all work out…
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1039953/Id-like-slap-professional-victim-Sheryl-Gascoigne—save-Paul-bother.html
“professional victim” can be emotional as well as physical if we don’t catch our own patterns soon enough and put a stop to it.
Thank you, NML and Loving Annie. You both made great points. I have just given up one emotionally unavailable man, and this post is going to prevent me from getting back in with another. My self esteem is so messed up, I admit it – I have been flirting with other EUMs from my past, since this last major one and I parted ways, because it seems to be the only way I feel validated. I know that’s a bad thing! I have got to learn to find validation other ways in myself.
I haven’t dated anyone since my main EUM and I parted, and I think I’m going to have to avoid it for awhile. Probably a long while. I feel so defeated.
Thank you to all the beautiful women (and the few guys that are probably here) who make this site. I’m a work in progress! 🙂
NML, it’s amazing how the topics of your posts seem to parallel exactly where I am at in this saga of the EUM! For the last few months since I have started NC with my ex-EUM, I have been totally focussing on ME, and I started taking up some hobbies that I have been wanting to do, I have been reading a lot, and pampering myself, and regaining self-love and self-esteem. So, by doing that, it’s been so weird lately because I am starting to really see my EUM for what he truly is, and it isn’t all that great…it’s like all of the qualities I “made up” about him in my own mind aren’t really there. He is starting to not be as wonderful as I have always thought him to be….strange to have these thoughts now of him, but I really think it’s because I AM CHANGING and obviously he isn’t, and my “changing” self and his “not changing EUM” self just aren’t jiving anymore…..
I think it depends whether a man is actually EUM or immature. I dated a guy for 10 years who had all the signs of EUM for the first 5. But somewhere along the line he became a totally different guy, commited to me and actually proposed. I think he finally grew up and wanted to settle down. But the weird thing is that after 5 years of chasing this guy when I finally “caught” him, I didn’t want him any longer. The 2nd half of the 10 years we sort of switched roles and I became the one who was emotionally unavailable. I stayed with him, but I wasn’t happy and I spent as little time with him as possible. He eventually left me for someone else. He is now married with a family and I am still dating EUM’s. I have dated at least 4 since that first one. It just goes to prove the point that I am probably the one with commitment issues and this is why I am attracted to EUM’s in the first place!
SuzieQ, I hear ya sister.
I have started to realize that it is perhaps my fears that keep things status quo, keep me where I am without change. I guess all human beings are the same, in order to change YOU have to want to, not for someone else.
I honestly have tried to see things differently with and in myself recently.
I have realized that my expectations were baseless. As in I thought I wanted one thing, and I really didn’t. I thought it was the ‘right way’ but there is no ‘right way’.
I cannot change any man, and any man I want to change isn’t one I want to be with.
Can some behaviours change? Hell ya, but, you have to be prepared for them not to and if you can live with that, and be happy, then fine.
It’s when you can’t, when you feel like you are hurting yourself that you have to step away.
If your first thoughts are that you can change him, that he will come around with some convincing, if you are the sweetest most understanding woman in the world he will have no choice but to want you, well – stop. Now.
I have also realized lately that we are pretty results driven as a society.
We want it now, and we want the best, and we have to win.
The journey doesn’t matter. It’s one big footie match and the first question is ‘what’s the score’…sometimes we do have to be patient, and yes, sometimes you do have to slow it down. But not with the expectation that he will suddenly come around.
Nothing wrong with taking your time, if it feels right. And if it doesn’t feel right to slow down, and if you feel the need to change someone, look within yourself and figure out why.
Loving Annie has been going on and ON about you to me, so I thought I’d better pop over. (Before she gets sick of me and the way I am with men! lol)
Very good points made, and I’ll be back!
*mwah*
Great article. Some very, very insightful observations.
How sad it is though, to be an Emotionally Available Man…and single…in a world where so many women can’t/don’t seem to recognize the value someone who is not ‘unavailable emotionally’.
My mom just told me recently, and I was so surprised!That my dad was one of those, and although she knew him at a very young age(14)they got married 4 years later..
She said he did not want to commit, used to tell her she’s still young and has her whole life ahead of her etc..and was even planning on immigration, insisted on it too, to the point that he had to make an act of being engaged to a certain girl in order to go on with the immigration process!
Then I asked her, how did you let him propose to you at 16 then??Even her parents were a bit hesitated because of her age(mind you, that was in the 60s so still was no big deal as now)
She told me things that sound a lot like the throwback girl you were talking about!And I guess It depends on the guy’s personality as well, and if he was always this way or not..
If he is of the sensitive,sweet type who is protective and caring, and been enjoying a happy single life after bad experiences so this is what made him think it is better for him to stay that way..then there might be hope I guess! And when my mother also told me about their story..now they’re married for more than 35 years..
It is because she did not let go of him, not clinging, but just..being there and showing love etc..(but he has to have some feelings in return to have something based on, like my case too)
I started thinking and rethinking..
I tried the no contact..for a day..it was heart aching, hurting and my eyes were all teary 24 hours..then, the next day, early in the morning he called..whenever I stay for a few hours away no contact, he is like where are you etc..and no this is not for lust cause he knows I am not for premarital sex, yet keeps seeking for my existence and always worrily(is that a word?) asked me, if I told you I cannot commit etc..will u back away and cut off with me?
And I guess he is starting to see his brother’s newly wed life in a better light too..so, pray for us!!
My EUM left me for someone else over a year ago, at 11 months he proposed, and they will be married on their 18 month anniversary.
I read He’s Scared, She’s Scared by Carter and Sokol and this website and I was convinced he was EUM. His previous relationships and lifestyle all fit the profile to a T. But he fell head over heels for this girl and can’t wait to marry her.
I’m gutted and heartbroken. I loved him with all that I had for three years and got replaced overnight.
She gets the life I always wanted, marriage and kids with him, and I get to be in therapy for a year and still not be able to have a real relationship. He is 10 years older than me and has been the way he was for many years. He changes literally over night and I can’t even manage it with professional help.
His tipping point was falling in love, mine was getting my heart blended. He is deliriously happy and I cry myself to sleep at nights.
There is no karma.
What is so wrong with me?
This is for huny there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you!!!you need to get that out of your head right NOW!!! because if you continue to believe that- you will suffer greatly in your life – you will spend your days and nights questioning why he loved her and not you and wondering what is soo wrong with you that he decided you just werent good enough for him – i too have felt this way because ive been there..im still there sometimes but these kind of thoughts will only break you down and prevent you from finding true happiness and love in your life..you have to look at yourself in the mirror every single day and tell yourself how beautiful and wonderful you are because im sure that you truly ARE!!! and it is AC’s loss 100%-if he doesnt realize that now he WILL when he has a fallout with his new woman which is likely to happen because she probably doesnt know how to treat him half as well as you did..he may appear happy now but there are no guarantees in love-whose to say that this woman he’s with now will stay happy with him-do you really believe that men like that change overnight? i sure dont!! !KARMA does EXIST believe me!!
“Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.”
He broke your heart, he treated you like you meant nothing to him after all that you said and did and now he has left you believing that there is something wrong with YOU!! and you dont think he will get his karma in life?!?!?oh believe me when i say it is just a matter of time before he does it may be months or even years but somewhere down the road he will have to experience the same thoughts/feelings that you are experiencing while you will be so much better off..and if and when he decides to contact you after realizing what an ass he was for hurting you and he somehow wants to make up to you can tell him that its a little too late and you’ve moved on with your life..that right there will be the best revenge-hang in there hun you will make it through this difficult time-remember how beautiful and wonderful you are and how much you really do have to offer..AC may not have realized that when he was with you but he will in due time..but by then it will be too late -stay strong huny you will come out on top and he will always be the AC that he truly is!!!
This is for you BECCA S!!! huny there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you!!!you need to get that out of your head right NOW!!! because if you continue to believe that- you will suffer greatly in your life – you will spend your days and nights questioning why he loved her and not you and wondering what is soo wrong with you that he decided you just werent good enough for him – i too have felt this way because ive been there..im still there sometimes but these kind of thoughts will only break you down and prevent you from finding true happiness and love in your life..you have to look at yourself in the mirror every single day and tell yourself how beautiful and wonderful you are because im sure that you truly ARE!!! and it is AC’s loss 100%-if he doesnt realize that now he WILL when he has a fallout with his new woman which is likely to happen because she probably doesnt know how to treat him half as well as you did..he may appear happy now but there are no guarantees in love-whose to say that this woman he’s with now will stay happy with him-do you really believe that men like that change overnight? i sure dont!! !KARMA does EXIST believe me!!
“Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.â€
He broke your heart, he treated you like you meant nothing to him after all that you said and did and now he has left you believing that there is something wrong with YOU!! and you dont think he will get his karma in life?!?!?oh believe me when i say it is just a matter of time before he does it may be months or even years but somewhere down the road he will have to experience the same thoughts/feelings that you are experiencing while you will be so much better off..and if and when he decides to contact you after realizing what an ass he was for hurting you and he somehow wants to make up to you can tell him that its a little too late and you’ve moved on with your life..that right there will be the best revenge-hang in there hun you will make it through this difficult time-remember how beautiful and wonderful you are and how much you really do have to offer..AC may not have realized that when he was with you but he will in due time..but by then it will be too late -stay strong huny you will come out on top and he will always be the AC that he truly is!!!
NML, I came across this site about a week ago, and not to long ago started posting on it. I am a male and have been the EUG you speak off. Not because I didn’t care, yet because I didn’t know any better and did a great deal of things I wish I never did. Your right, the guy needs the women out of his life to change and even if he says he has changed and begs for the women back, I would suggest saying, “NO” followed by a, “you had your chance and its just too late.” If that wasn’t said to me I would have not really grown up and things would have slowly gone back to way they were. I begged and pleaded, and cried like a little girl. I wish to thank her for leaving me. I will add that I never felt like I ever lied to her, then again, I had myself fooled. I would say that I loved her and things would go great for awhile then just I would feel like something is missing, and I felt like it should be better then this. I wasn’t truly happy with her, then again, I wasn’t truly happy with me.
I still care about that women, she was a great friend and I will always think about her from time to time, and to this day, would not want to be with her.
Becka S.
Whoa, if it helps you feel any better let me tell you a little story about Rebounds. Which, she is.
I had a rebound to get over to women above, BIG MISTAKE, I gave her everything that I didn’t give my ex and was willing ot give her the world. She told me how she loved me BLAH BLAH BLAH. When she ended up pregnant, I was scared and a little shocked cause I never had a condom fail. Well its been years since walking in on her sleeping with my cousin, who’s child it turned out to be.
I spent endless nights thinking about how they were cuddling up and being happy with there new child which I thought was mine. Its had to not think about someone, One great book I read was called, “How to fall out of love” has some great tips to get that person out of your head. Then, go to the gym, or take a class on something. Work on making you the best you that you have ever been. One day you will hear about how bad their relationship really was and how he got F**ked over. I know I relished in how she calls the cops on him all the time and pretty much cheated on him a few times also. Ohh and the best part was when he found out the kid wasn’t his and was his friends. He still loves it and signed his last name to it when it was born.
Trust me, they may act like everything is grand, nor does he want anyone to know he F**ked up by leaving you for her. By then you may not care anyways, and will be way above him in life too. Your better then that kind of second rate behavior, forgive yourself and treat yourself like a queen. In fact forgive him while you are at it, lord knows I buried the Hackett a long time ago. Still have no respect for him, but he is family so I will say hi to him nowadays.
I know it must feel like the end of the world, but it is not. It feels like you invested so much just to watch someone else walk in and take it all away. You feel like a fool and that this women is living the life you worked so hard for. Work on you, time will spell out a great deal of pain for them. Just watch 🙂
Dear NML,
I stumbled upon your site to understand EUM and to understand myself on why I pursued this wonderful man.
This man was my client and after our transaction was over, he took me out to a wonderful dinner as a “thank you”. I walked into that great restaurant on my mind as he was still my client. We clicked. The evening was magical and although the food was great, I truly enjoyed his company much more and told him. I’m not afraid to voice my feelings and I am a confident enough woman to do so.
To give you a bit of my background, early on in my life, I’d gone through what I call “my journey”. Meaning, I went through and worked on most of the emotional garbage that my parents and my upbringing had thrown onto me. At a young age, I realized that I was damaged goods and took on the job of working on myself. It was hell on earth. I wasn’t easy. I worked on it with full speed ahead because I want to understand and start the healing process because I felt I deserve happiness in my life. I was in my 20s then. I know I still have issues, but my “baggage” are small enough to fit on the overhead compartment, rather than having to check them in.
Fast forward to today, after than wonderful,magical evening, “Paul” and I agreed it was magical and I pursued him. I’m confident enough to know what I want and act on it. After our 2nd date, he poured is heart out and said, “I can’t believe a beautiful, intelligent, self-made woman like yourself would be interested in someone like me who has so much baggage”. RED FLAG! and I was actually surprised that he had said that, but what I want to understand is why I chose to ignore it. We continually went out, still on the “getting to know each other” stage and after the 4th date, we kissed. There were no sparks, no “magic”, nothing coming from my side, but then again, I ignored it.
As time went by, I have questioned him a lot of things that made him realized how f*cked up he was and I am the type of a woman who doesn’t back down at confrontation. Paul’s extremely low self-esteem made me realize that he could never give me what I need until he realizes that he has a lot of “internal” work to do on himself.
Yesterday, after dating only about 2 months, I told him that I want to date other men. He told me that he feels like a broken man and because of me questioning his actions and his intentions, he realized that he has a lot of baggage to work on and he wouldn’t be any good to me. He’s afraid that he would “bring me down” and due to my advice, I told Paul that he needs to seek a good therapist and stay on it for a very, very long time. He agreed. Our parting was bittersweet. I do care for Paul. I told him that he needs to walk down the road of self-realization by himself because nobody else can do it for him. He agreed and started seeing a therapist. I also told him that I’ve been down that road before and I walked on it alone.
With that said, I am going to put myself into therapy again because I want to understand why I pursued someone like Paul. Mind you, I didn’t know he had such a HUGE and heavy baggage, and I realized early on that his issues were too much for me and that he needed to seek help on his own. I do love him in the short time that we were dating. He talked a lot about issues, our past and we got to know each other enough that we do care for each other. It’s just we’re not on the same page and the timing is all wrong.
So, for those out there reading this, I discovered that it’s me that I still have to work on. Paul is a good man and I feel that he doesn’t want to drag me down with his baggage and decided to do something about it. I love him, I honestly do and I told him that I wish him luck and happiness. Only he can make the change and nobody can hold his hand while he’s going through the pain of self-realization. I do love myself enough to know that I deserve the love and attention I need from time to time from an emotionally available man. I’m off to dating, trying on some other men to see if they fit. But I want to say that some EUM can and will change, but they have to come to realize on their own and with a little care from a friend, they can realize that they need to walk that path by themselves. If Paul has changed and continues to improve and looks me up in the future, I will still consider him. That is, if I’m available.
Sherry
“When people do change, it’s because being around someone or at a particular stage of life makes them want to be the best that they can be and try harder. Unfortunately in the case of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, together, a negative plus a negative, equals a double negative.”
This scares me. Was I not good enough to be that someone that made him want to be the best he could be?
Jgal
you may have been the best for him but he wasn’t the best for you and to me men who are classified as MR. unavailable; could have a woman that thats class A in everything…. and still not acknowledge you…cause they are only in to themselves…like my Narcissist assclown ex was…