The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey, but that you put yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to feel in control [of yourself] where you had felt uncontrollable. It’s an exit strategy and when push comes to shove and your desire to be out of a poor relationship is greater than any desire to stay out of fear or to play games, you will opt for No Contact (NC).
In Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule (NC) is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started, and here in part 2, I offer guidance on when NC is needed.
How do you know if you need to start No Contact?
No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it’s increasingly needed because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting.
As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and unavailable for relationship duty, and who can’t commit to being with us… and can’t commit to not being with us.
If you are experiencing any of the following, you need the NC for your sanity, never mind anything else:
You have no endings.
You have a number of exes that call you up to get nostalgic, get the lowdown on whether you’ve moved on, and also to get busy with you. As a result, you’re not technically finished with a number of the men in your past.
Can’t break, won’t break.
When someone keeps popping back up in your life, despite having nothing more to offer than when you dumped him/her (or they exited) and despite your insistence to stay away, he does anything but that.
You won’t let go.
You’re one of those women that hopes too much. You haven’t cut the contact because you think they’re going to turn from a cockroach, into a frog, and then eventually into a prince. You think you’re chasing and holding out for a man that’s playing hard to get, when in actual fact, he’s not trying to be caught…
When they pull The Friend Card.
Many men lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing that they’ve behaved badly, so they throw you The Friend Card so that they feel like less of a sh*t than they really are. It is a gateway into your life and if you haven’t gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents you from getting over him and moving on.
You have exchanged the ‘girlfriend’ role for the booty call one.
Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion!
He blows hot and cold.
Blowing hot and cold is Mr Unavailables (emotionally unavailable guys) way of controlling the relationship, keeping you at a distance, and keeping you in check, but when he blows hot, it’s not because he wants you, it’s just because he’s balancing things out so that he can keep you on ice for a bit longer.
You have a low self-esteem, bad dating and relationship habits, and are struggling to let go of old feelings.
Don’t use the No Contact Rule to:
Break off a relationship for the first time.
Do the decent thing! Unless they’re downright crazy or abusive, for the first breakup, a bit of an explanation wouldn’t go astray!
End your marriage.
NC is not for marriages. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your divorce, but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you were prepared to legally bind yourself to! The exception to this is if they’re abusive as obviously, giving them a heads-up that you’re leaving may trigger more abuse.
Playing games.
Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Stop playing games because it will backfire, you will bite off more than you can chew, and you will falsely impact on the relationship. Pulling the NCR to test if he’s interested is childish, plus, if he is emotionally unavailable, he will blow hot and then blow cold when he’s comfy putting you right back to square one.
Is the No Contact Rule permanent?
It is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only restart or accept contact when you are completely over the person in question and have moved on. I suggest making it permanent for people that add little value to your life. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly their ego that gets massaged.
At the bare minimum, the no contact rule needs to be enforced for 2-3 months. For men that tend to disappear and then reappear when it suits, take the longest period of time that they’ve ever disappeared for and add a month.
Think of it like giving up smoking– it’ll hurt in the short-term and you’ll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing.
Move on ladies and learn to let go! If you had to do NC in the first place, it’s in recognition of the fact that he didn’t treat you well, he didn’t respect your previous wishes to leave you alone to get on with your life, and he didn’t respect your wishes when you said, ‘I’ll call you. Don’t call me’.
Now why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t follow basic instructions but still expected to slip back into your life when it suited, and who hoped that you’d break him off a piece?
In Part 3, I will put the definitive list of the best ways to cut the contact, including some suggested by readers. If you have any suggestions or real life tales of cutting contact, don’t forget to include them in the comments box.
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I think the NCR is a great one. It does work, but it is difficult. I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).
Venting: here you vent any emotion, negative, positive about him – only if you need to. It’s good to say “indifferent” too because that’s a good sign.
List 3 positive goals for the day
List 3 health (nutrition/exercise, etc..) related goals of the day
And at the end of the day –
Note 3 positive things that happened that day
Note if you met your goals
It might be too much for some people, but I found the process very grounding. I even still do it (not as religously)- just to keep me focused on living a positive life.
This is what it entailed:
I created a log entry that included the following things:
Date
Days of no contact: 1 out of 60, 2 of 60, etc…
Note: if you have a day of contact, that day doesn’t count to the total. If you end up relapsing and end up in bed with him – you have to go back to day 1. Kissing, holding hands, “discussions” – maybe back 2-4 weeks.
I guess we all do this or have done, haven’t we…ugh! My problem is that I am trying to be a ‘nicer’ person, and all the ‘cool kids’ seem to be friends with their ex’s.
Why is it that it never seems to work that way for me?
Frankly, I think a couple of those items you listed above (ahem-not gonna say) are applicable to me.
What about an asshat into just a hat? I know, usually it’s just the ‘ass’…
can’t wait for 3!
Hi Ashley,
Whoa just want to say that it looks like your doing really well! I think having goals and doing all that stuff is great because it gets you to focus more on yourself.
Sometimes in relationships we lose focus of who we are, and the NCR allows us to rediscover it.
I would say one addition to that post. Sometimes when we become too available to one guy they start losing interest. This is nothing to do with us, but more on how guys actually function.
So sometimes applying the NCR temporarily can get your man to snap out of it and start appreciating it with you again.
For example : Say you’ve been dating this guy for like 2 months or something. Then the past week he has stopped calling as much and talking to you. Usually this bad behavior is interpreted by us AS “oh crap we are losing him” so we do out best to regain his attention more. We start texting and calling him and wanting to see him.
But this bad behavior can be good news for you. Usually after you start dating someone for a little bit and the relationship is ready to become a bit mor serious. The guy pulls back a bit to take a bit of a breather before he jumps into more hot water.
So during this time, applying the NCR loosely works extremely well. This meaning to say that you allow him to contact YOU. You apply the NCR to yourself. So you dont personally contact him, but wait till he wants to talk to you. Usually after a week or two, if he is truly interested in you he will come around again and start where you left off.
Its not playing games, its more just understanding the needs of men and essentially giving them what they want, without them realizing it.
So i guess the NCR can apply to breakups and dating in general!
Cheers
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
OK here are mine and they are proven in personal trials in my posse:
This is not a game to get him back. This is when he is a serious toxic poison in your life.
1. Avoid alcohol during the first month. It is a depressant and kryptonite to us. If you run into him socially, you can think on your feet better.
2. Get caller ID and replace his name with some idiotic symbol of a bad trait of his. (ex. the controller). At some point erase his number and don’t answer unknown callers ever (they have been known to call from other phones or restrict the number).
3. Pick a sponsor and solicit their help, who will be supportive, talk you out of calling him and be available to you to remind you of the pain and give you positive messages about your wide open future.
4. If alcohol and a social event are in the picture, ask your sponsor to take all your cordless phones in a zip lock bag and hide them. Mobile devices they hold for you. You get the picture. If sponsor is not available, get someone else or don’t go.
5. Change your routine up a bit and do special things for yourself. Go to the gym more, get a massage, and enjoy doing these things alone–A fresh start attitude.
6. Journaling is good and helps you to see your progress as the fog clears.
7. On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.
8. Have prepared a two or three word response for him if he happens to catch you unaware by phone or “bump” in to him.
9. Do not start dating like crazy hoping to distract yourself. We all do this but it is bad. You end up comparing that person and you are not emotionally available yet. Take at least a month of he-tox to be in the right space. It’s not fair to do that to anyone new anyway (bad dating karma) and if he likes you he will wait around a little. It shows him that you take care of yourself and are a centered person.
10. Avoid all revengeful acts. Your vengeance is unplugging and moving on. (Although fantasizing about it may be therapeutic in the process.) LOL
11. Forgiveness is OK, but forgetfulness is NOT.
I feel much better since I cut the contact. Yes, I will admit that I catch myself wondering “does he even notice?”
Now that I understand a lot more about EUM and the way he treated me and I also learned that I let him get away with everything, I would be to embarrassed to ever make contact with him, I wouldn’t know if I should cry or laugh? I chased this “prince” for a long time!!! Ladies, does anybody else feels embarrassed?
Hi Astelle,
I would say try not to be so hard on yourself. Everything that happens to us in life is there to teach us something about ourselves.
Things always seem crazy when you have the hots for a guy (aka highly attracted to him). But after you get some space from him and gain a little clarity, you will realize that really it was all just a bit silly.
Eg I was highly attracted to EUM. Could not stop talking and thinking bout him. Until i realized that he was EUM! So I cut contact with him immediately. In that time i did not speak to him, I was able to remove the rose tinted glasses and find that he was quite immature, a bit of an idiot and most importantly not on my level
By the end of that I was baffled why I had wasted so much time, effort and thought on him
All the best with it =)
Hot Alpha Female
Astelle,
embarrassment and shame are what keeps me in a 6 yr non-relationship. I stay because I can’t believe I’ve been played, used, neglected…given everything and received nothing in return…oh…maybe phone contact everyday for 2 yrs,nothing more than attention… vistits out of state, which I paid for…fun for sure…and promises that he can see a relationship if I ” just chill, and let the relationship develope” whatever that means…the NCR is my only hope out of this…
Hi Sophia,
I have recently found this sight but you will find that alot of us are in the same situation. I read comments and blogs everyday from the sight and sometimes I just sit here with my mouth wide open and in shock saying “OH MY GOD THATS MY MAN” ……
So many things that I have read on here have been an eye opener, I admit I am still with my EUM(emotionally unaval man) but am working on getting out. For such a long time I sat here blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong but almost everytime I read something whether it be “Do women really like to date bad boys” or “how to spot emotionally unavailable men” to everything else, I find that 90% of the decription fits my man. I have sat here for 2 yrs making excuses and letting him disappear and come back, while telling me whats wrong with me and having me change certain things, to watching him put work his friends and everything else before me.
So my advice is to go through and read some different topics and the posts that people, including myself, have left, and hopefully you also will find the strenght to do what you need to do. Good luck, and remember you’re not alone….xoxox
Thank you Danielle,
I’m doing okay…he’s made it easy, if not impowering, as I have not heard from him in 3 days. This is a long time for him to go without contacting me. He is out of state, so I’m sure he has met someone that is occupying his time…no tears though and I haven’t contacted him…so far so good….
Glad that you are doing ok. I also have not really talked to my guy since fri. He left for Bike week w his guy friends…. i get a short tx and when I tx him back he doesnt respond. He has no idea that i have been very enlightened by this sight and am on my way to ending things for good. 2 years of waiting, crying, changing and everything else only to STILL get nothing in return, let alone any respect. NOT RIGHT!! I guess getting mad is good cause only then are we ready to do something better for ourselves. xoxoxo
no contact – day 1….. you can imagine. I am blogging my brains out instead of any contact.
I CAN do this. there is no point in denying the facts – this relationship, as much as we “love” each other, does not work.
Hugs to all you ladies and thanks for sharing all of your experiences bc they have made me strong enough to do NC vs “pretend” to be friends w/ him.
lol -ps: the vindictive side of me KNOWS he is not going to take this well (after going back having the same old conversation where we just couldn’t see eye to eye – I left it on VOICE MAIL! Yeah me! no need for that damn closure conversation). Anyway, he’s a proud one, so I highly doubt he’ll try to contact me to “negotiate” some kind of friendship. Does that make me sad? Probably will along the way, but I am just trying to keep this forefront in my mind: THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK.
Hi, looks like I will be the only guy to post and perhaps give the otherside’s perspective. My GF of 5 years recently broke up with me 3 weeks ago, she means business. I have been hoping against hope that we could reconcile. The most hurtful thing I have to deal with are the mistakes I made in the relationship, many many times I had the opportunity to make a difference in how things were going. I was either to stubborn, too stupid, or not as IN love as I thought I was. Sometimes your in a relationship based on needs, not wants. From what I have learned lately I should be in the relationship I want. I guess at a subconcious level this was not the one I wanted and she finally could not take up wioth my excuses, lies and outright reckless behavior. She had the courage to put a stop to is and nothing I could say or do can change it. I am besides myslef in grief, I have lost about 10 lbs and cannot sleep at night for more the 4 hours. I wake up every couple of hours with the grim reality of her gone from my life. What a FOOL I have been, now there is only pain and lessons to be learned about who I truly am. This is the way men have to learn sometime and it is a SHAME ! Too all you good women out there I send my message, your love may have hurt but it was not in vain. Much is to be learned..now I have to live with my decisions and remember when a woman truly loves you their needs to be love, honesty and respect reciprocated…She was the best woman I have ever known..God Help Me !
YES I”M EMBARASSED!! I chased this guy and when he got “silent” (an online relationship)… I went crazy…. I’m supprised AND embarassed at how I responded to what I intreperted as REJECTION! Even in the very begninning he said I was “out of his league” meaning I was too smart and sexy and good looking for him. But I set out to prove him wrong.. I chased and now… no closure but silence on his part. I started the NCR on THurs but broke it on Sat night after a night of drinking so I’m back to the beginning. I’m sure he’s convinced I will contact him … since I did set that pattern.
Part of me wants him to contact me … the ego boost thing. His silence is deadening!!! UGH
So I sit here and browse the directory to see if he’s online then… stew.
This whole thing has paralized me.
NCR day 2.
My No Contact actually began by HIM cutting off contact with me. The relationship ended over a heated argument. I paniced, called incestly, texted messaged and he stopped replying. I then came to my senses and STOPPED THE MADDNESS!
I stopped the maddness and just cut off all contact. It’s been nearly 3 weeks and I feel very proud of myself. No phone calls, or texts. I feel empowered to move on. I do have urges. But I just think of how bad he talked to me and treated me. He reduced me from a vibrant, beautiful intelligent, woman to becoming a woman with low self-esteem. I had to remember who I was and how much I enjoyed loving life, WITH HIM NOT IN IT!!! It’s hard, and yes I do wonder if he even notices that I quit contacting him. But he is so self absorbed I doubt it. And I know things with get better with each passing day that I DON’T CONTACT HIM. I’ve moved on and know I’m all the better for it. It’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues. Ladies, have faith. Dont’ let any Man reduce you to feeling as you are nothing. It’s hard when you just want someone to love. However we can do soooo much better. God is good and he will take care of us. And all you can do is pray for EUM. Somewhere in their lives they did not receive the love and nurturing they needed to function as loving adults. JUST KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T FIX THEM NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY!! It’s not our fault. I’t not YOU, IT’S THEM….MOVE ON AND GOD BLESS!
I am in the NCR for about a month now and I need some support. Here’s my story and will try to make it short:
I am the woman (53 now) that has always run to a man to get that fatherly nurturing, I needed to be held and feel worthy, in other words, I always ended up in bed too fast. I know my parent issues, thought I had dealt with them but the last two flings tell me not.
A month ago I cut off all communication with a man that had everything I thought was perfect, owns a vineyard, is a captain with a major airline, engaging, great in bed, yada, yada, yada, oh and by the way he lives across the country from me. Physcially, he was not my “perfect man”, short, fat and bald but he was so engaging, interesting I was drawn to him.
I should have know from the first date what he was out for, after a fantastic evening, he put the moves on, I said no, I took him back to his hotel, he tried to get me to come in, I said no and the last words he uttered were “I am going to *f… you”. I should have taken that as the cue! He was in the chase after that, inviting me to go with him to a wine function, he made all the plans, inlcuding the hotel. A few days before I emailed him, since he set the tone for communication by never calling and only texting or emailing or iming and asked him whether I needed to get a room at this romantic hotel. He wrote back saying that he had gotten us a room, pretty presumptuous on his part. Why would I stay in a room with someone I barely know? I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that I would make a reservation. While I think it took him a little offguard he accepted that I paid for my own room and of course while there he tried to get me to sleep with him, I didn’t. I do have some dignity and also I think deep down and in my heart I was realizing that there was something I needed to change about me.
We were suppose to leave together, he got hung up there I flew back home by myself and he was suppose to call when he got into Atlanta, he didn’t and I didn’t hear from him for a week and of course by text.
Well, all part of this was that I leaving in a couple of weeks to fly to his part of the country with a few friends to do a wine tour through his state and of course to his winery. We went out there, and I don’t have to tell what happened next, I proceeded to spend two nights with him and had a great time and he turned out to be such a great lover and showed us such a great time.
Of course, I didn’t hear from him for another week and a half after I left and when I did hear from him, the text or im was always about him. I discounted this to his schedule between running a winery and flying to the other side of the world for his other job. I didn’t see it for what it was that he is Mr. Unavailable/Narcissist.
Then came Facebook, I joined he added me as a friend and the communication was through there as well as the communication from every other women he was having conversations with, only I never posted on his site but started to watch wht his life really was unfold before me. I also joined as a friend to his winery site there. He has a huge network of women/networks to get his narcissistic supply and I was part of it.
The final straw was not only the text messaging, I never really understood the point since he rarely responded back to me which did not feel good, I always felt like it was a one way conversation and it was when it was convenient for him to dangle a carrot and make me feel like I might be special but some bantering between him and another woman that was taking place right there in front of me in facebook. I decided right then that this did not feel good and promptly removed myself from both of his sites on facebook, deleted him from my yahoo messenger and then starting searching the net for answers and I found the book and the answers “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” in essence ME!
I had started the NCR on my own, I didn’t want to be treated this way and quite frankly I was weary from it. My gut was telling me to get out and get out now as it was just going get worse and more importantly hurt worse if I continued in this crazy type of relationship.
It took him about a week to realize that I wasn’t on his facebook, he text and of course as usual he started the text talking about what he is doing (do you know he never has once over the 6 moths I was in this asked me “how are you”) then the question was What’s up with you? Funny question don’t you think, definitely not direct as to what’s up with us! I answered indirectly of course and should have used that opportunity to tell him what was really up and about my boundaries but I just figured it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway since he wasn’t interested in me anyway, I even have the unsent “letter” spelling it out which I am referring to everyday. After I sent that text to him with ambiguity in it, he didn’t answer and of course I didn’t expect him to answer since I fed his ego about how great it was he was doing what he liked to do most “rove” the coast visiting customers. The next morning I got an im from him saying, “hey baby”, that’s it Hey Baby! I didn’t answer and did not contact him again (this is all happening in the last 30 days). The came Thanksgiving last week. His route for the airlines is Mumbai, when I saw what was happening and I had already started reading Mr. Unavailable and had instituted the NCR, I decided that I would not contact him because I didn’t think it would have mattered anyway. I was feeling awful because of the attacks although I was sure he wasn’t there, I couldn’t be totally sure and I would have felt awful if anything had happened to him but I made the decision not to call or write that night. Ultimately it didn’t matter because when I turned on my computer Thanksgiving morning the im was there that “the attacks on the hotel in Mumbai is where he stays (now I know that already but he never paid attention to any of our conversations because its always him, him, him, what he’s doing, how busy he is, etc., etc., etc.) and that he was home safe” Okay I felt better and responded (which I am beating myself up over right ) and said that I was so glad to hear that, I wasn’t sure if he was there or not after I turned on the tv the previous night hoped not. I was glad he was home safe and have a Happy Thanksgiving. Do you know, he didn’t even write back to same same to you, why would I expect anything different. Now I am kicking myself for wishing him a very happy thanksgiving. I am the one who decided to walk away from this and not temporarily because he is not going to change he is Mr. Unavailable and he’s even written about it but I am having a difficult time with the ending it part and I hate this feeling.
I am just looking for som support in the interim, I will get over this, I have a great life, successful, involved with great friends but it is still hard!
Gail
In response to Bill’s letter. I’ve been where you are—sucks, man. As long as you don’t do the same thing to the next one, you’re in the clear. Life has some tough-cookie lessons. It’s too bad people sometimes don’t appreciate things ’till they’re gone forever. Hopefully you did what I did—suffer in silence. Things will get better. Put on a game face and fake it ’till you make it. Contact her & chances are she’ll take joyous pride in using the penal system to make your life difficult.
Well what can i say, I just got engaged to a wonderful man that actually loves me so out with the bad and bring on the good stuff ok? I blocked a guy that i did liked a lot that had me on this roller coaster of emotions hahaha I blocked him from my email, phone, text messages, etc. Is amazing all that i have learned from this web site it really helped me to read all you guys experiences, and yes is very hard not to think what if; but the reality is that if they really wanted us they would be with us; they are too busy playing the field. So i say we all pick a nice guy and get engaged hahaha is not hard that guy might be just waiting for you but you have been too busy looking at the wrong one. It happens, so lets pick what is best for us which most of the time is not exactly what we want, i am no expert but i am doing good so far i am here with all of you, if you need support or anything, but ask yourself Why is he not here now? cause he don’t wanna be…. and that is the truth
Day 10 and going strong. The trouble is, when I called the whole thing off, we agreed to have no contact for 2 weeks and then regroup long enough to decide if calling it off was right…sort of a built in safety net to nudge us both into walking away. I have written volumes through this process and understand now that, in order for me to spend more time with him, he would have to say, “This relationship has not worked because of me and here is how I intend to fix that.” The chances are very slim that he would say this – more likely, he’ll have come up with another way that I can improve myself to make things work better – but what if you does?
I certainly won’t re-initiated contact with him; maybe he’ll just plain never call…but I suspect that he will. He is a wonderful human, but I am very simply not the woman for him. Of course, he’s “not sure about that” – I mean, he ” feels that I am sometimes, just not all the time.” BARF. No thank you.
“I chased this “prince†for a long time!!! Ladies, does anybody else feels embarrassed?”
Thinking back over two years of being used and then forgotten when I wasn’t needed – AND expected to just roll with it, yes I’m flipping embarassed. Embarassed enough to NEVER place myself in that position again. I’m sorry if I have to be “hard,” take things too seriously, or as he says, “be a freakezoid.” But I cannot continue to compromise my own sense of peace. Eff him. Oh, I already did.
I implemented NC with my assclown about a week ago. He fooled me by calling from another number so he could talk to me the other day. I was cordial, foolishly believing that the apology for jerking me around was coming any minute. It didn’t take me long to realize that of course he was calling because he wanted something. I explained again what no contact meant and hung up. Fortunately, I saw the writting on the wall early with this A/C and got out within a few weeks of him breaking up and then playing the “friend” card always trying to get in my pants. I’m ashamed I actually let him twice.
I am so glad that I took the power back and told him I am his GF or I am nothing. After thinking about it though I wouldnt even want to be his GF at this point. I couldnt go back to him knowing that he could be so careless with my feelings. Ugh! then why the hell do I miss his so damn much?? I am glad that I think he finally got the message because I didnt hear from him yesterday. It would be so hard if he were to try to contact me. I am so thankful for this site!! If he tries I will post again asking for support because I will need it. He is (as most assclowns) extremely charming.
Having been on a total rollercoaster since I got dumped 6 weeks ago by the man I loved and adored above all others this site has been a saviour!
It takes guts to climb up out the pits when your life has suddenly tumbled into meaningless nothingness….I dont think ive ever ever felt so shit as I have done these last few weeks.
I didnt see it coming- 5 years of going out and BANG no warning from him-just no texts over that weekend and when I rang him on the monday to make sure he hadnt been run over and was mangled or worse he told me that was it!
Shit!
Didnt even had the guts to tell me to my face.
I go and visit unannounced last weekend and surprise! surprise! I find a birthday card to him from anon – ‘to the one i love’ on the side.
Ha!
Its not what you think says he..
UMM RIGHT.
Capital assclown.
The hurt I feel is all consuming at times.
Ive been in pieces.
Christ it hurts.
But I wont give in.
Time for me will heal.
Hugs to all who are feeling as I do.
Hi I am just wondering how many if any of you have had your A/C come back and say he was sorry for treating you so badly. Mine had aknowledged that he had not treated some women right in the past ( thats what made me think he may have changed) he never told me if he had ever apologized to them though. I was just wonering if it happens and if you think that they mean it or if it was just another manipulation attempt.
Interesting question sadkitty. I wondered about that myself.
My xEUM has never apologized, the only thing he could manage was that “it made him feel bad”… And “it” is the fact that he stood me up and dissapeared. How narcissistic is that? As if it just happened and not his own freakin choice!
I doubt that people who lack empathy are capable of a sincere apology..
Sadkitty,
Before my AC was MY AC, my husband and I and our kids and his wife and their kids were all friends (he lives two doors down on my street). I knew how he treated his wife long ago. pretty bad. However, as friends one time, he was very unkind to me, actually for reasons I still have no idea he yelled at me and “banned” me from his property. This was about 3 years ago. However, a year prior to that incident he had already started actively pursuing me pretty hot and heavy, in which I avoided him out of respect for my family.So needless to say when he treated me so poorly after pursuing me and telling me how much he wanted me, I was pretty hurt and my self-esteem was hurt, etc. Well I didn’t speak to him for 2 years after that night. Then last July, 2008, he walked down to my house out of the blue and basically begged and cried for my forgiveneness of him for that event, but IT TOOK 2 YEARS. I forgave him, while hoping he would not pursue me again, however, this was not the case. He turned on his charm so much, validated my self-esteem, which he had crushed two years prior, and somehow in my mind I looked at his return as “maybe we are meant to be”, so I lost my faculties and fell completely for his charm, thinking he had changed. He said he loved me for 4 years and missed me, and I fell for it. Well, you can find my entire story on other blogs, but after 7 months of “seeing” him, and I mean “seeing him” loosely, as he only wanted to see me a couple hours every couple weeks because I was really just a supplement to his life, he did the disappearing act and just totally cut me off, stopped responding to my texts, calls, attempts, etc. The last thing he said to me in person was “that he had too much shit going on to deal with me.” When he said that to me, I have never spoken to him since. He did text me two times since that day, but it was generic and there was no declaration of love or an apology, so I didn’t respond and haven’t responded at all. Therefore, this time, after allowing myself to be duped and hurt AGAIN, my entire soul was shattered. My self-esteem destroyed, etc. We last spoke on July 23, and are going on 6 months of NC. He has not attempted to contact me in any way. He just stares at me when I am outside. I have to see his sorry ass every day, which has definitely hindered my healing process. I don’t think he has remorse for anything. And in looking back, I think he apologized for banning me from his property just because he wanted “something”, a new toy to have in the neighborhood for awhile i guess, someone to supplement his life, and borrow money from, etc. He has on several occasions called himself an asshole, he openly and almost proudly admits it. He has not apologized to me at all since I walked away from him. I really don’t think he ever will this time. He knows it was wrong to pursue a married woman for 4 years, tell me he loved me and wanted a future with me, then cut me off being cruel, etc. He did later text (one of the two) and say, “it is not you, it is me, i know you care, I just can’t talk to anyone right now”. (Of course, that didn’t stop him from talking to and sitting with another woman across the street from me the same week!!!). All this to say is it may never happen. It may happen in a few weeks or a few years, but you can’t sit around waiting for it. These AC’s don’t think they owe anyone an apology. They think they are superior to us and always right and that in some way we “made them” or provoked them to behave that way…. I have accepted that he will never apologize for his poor behavior toward me. I don’t think it would have taken him long to apologize the first time if he was a decent person, I think he had an ulterior motive for the apology which was two years after the fact.
Now I sure don’t need to here how I was so stupid for falling for him after the first incident. I got caught up in his apology, the forgiveness, his professed love for me, etc. and screwed up royally. I think the length of time it takes to apologize is a real indicator of how eager he is to right things, how he values you, how much he wants to repair things, etc. I told him that if he could honestly live happily and comfortable without me for even a day, to feel free because I don’t want any man who can live without me. So after 6 months, I have gotten my answer. In my case, the silence and has spoken more to me than our whole entire time together period.
I met EUM last June and we dated for 7 months. He blew hot and cold, played the “ambiguous relationship” card, etc. All the classic EUM symptoms. Of course when I met him I had no idea that he was like that. He pursued me, showered me with affection and complements, wanted to spend every minute with me, made effort to spend time with me …and then suddenly…BRAKE LIGHTS!!! He didn’t want a relationship. He just wanted to take things slow with no expectations. blah blah blah… So I finally got sick of the mind games and heartache 7 months later. I cannot believe I even stuck around for that long. I finally ended it with him but still kept in contact with him. I would hear from him when he didn’t hear from me for awhile. It was like he knew I was moving on and had to suck me back in. Finally I cut off contact with him completely for 3 months. I would not return his emails, phone calls or texts. Well… stupid me let him back into my life because I thought I was over him. I was seeing things clearly, knew that he wasn’t right for me and so I thought it was safe to play the “friend” card again. BIG MISTAKE! We started spending time together. Talking and texting 24/7. However I was NOT his booty call. Luckily, we never took it there.
Now I’m back to square one. Having feelings for him that I thought weren’t there anymore. So, starting today it’s officially NO CONTACT.
It’s impossible to be friends after you’ve been intimate with someone and especially after you’ve had feelings for someone. We’ve got to stay strong and put our foot down! Just when you think you’ve got it under control, they come back and bite you in the a**.
Hi,
I tried the NCR for about 3 weeks. It was really hard at first but it got easier and easier to ignore him… and i found myself more centred. He was texting practically everyday begging for forgiveness and ONLY friendship.
On a weak moment i gave in and i hate myself for it. Now i’m back to square one, he hasn’t changed and is now ignoring me after confessing undying love blah blah blah.
He cheated on me and it still destroys me inside to this day. I know it wasn’t my fault and i don’t deserve it but i’m addicted. I’m trying something new. Putting his number in my phone under the woman he cheated withs names, and a photo of her if he calls. It so painful when i see it, and maybe extremist – but i know i’ll never ever pick up the phone to such an assclown when i’m in the middle of the pain he caused.
I really want to be free… and this website gives me that extra strength to hold my own and make myself the centre of my life, instead of a middle aged, stroppy, egotistical child who can’t see he lost a good thing until i shut the door on him.
What’s more, the NCR helps to lock that door and leave you feeling like you have the power back. Being a fallback girl is my fairy tail… so i’m not letting it happen again.
So much thanks for this website, it’s like a wake up call!
L. xxxxx
i meant ‘being the fallback girl ISN’T my fairy tail…’ typo’s ….
I actually think the cruellest thing of all the idiotic things that came from this man’s mouth was “I love you and I think I always will”.
Wait for it. It gets better.
This was on MSN and I wanted to TALK to him – he said he was in a voice conversation on a game we play and that he “couldn’t just leave that would be rude”. THAT is the point I should have realised he was full of it – undying love declared and not wanting to immediately talk to the source?
Makes me wonder what he was actually doing and saying when I was sitting there bored off my chump when he was “working on his website” and talking to me on MSN …
What an arse.
How do you implement the NCR when you work with your ex-boyfriend? I work with mine and broke up with him about three weeks ago, but I still have to see him at work when we occasionally run into each other or in two to three weekly meetings. Also, there was mention of implementing the rule from one to three months. What do you do when your ex never got missing? My ex never got missing. He just has some serious issues that I could no longer contend with. Therefore, I needed to leave the relationship, which he didn’t fight because he knew that if he stayed, he’d continue to hurt me with his inexcusable behavior. Having said that, I implemented the NCR even before reading these posts. I guess it’s my ego. I know I’m better off to get to a point of healing and beyond, but I also won’t allow myself to go running behind someone just to boost his ego. I won’t lie, I miss the relationship. I’m just hopeful all that I feel will eventually diminish. In the meantime, how do I deal with the NCR at work? And if I’m to enforce it for “period of time,” how long would that be. Keep in mind, I’m not eager to run out and “get with him” today. I would love it if he changed so that I could be with him. But I’m smart enough to realize the likelihood of that is slim to none. Anyway, enough of my incessant rambling. Thanks for reading.
Enuff,
from what I gather, he’s NOT going to change and you can’t do anything about that. You can only work on YOU and then you’ll start to draw the kind of relationship you want.
Meanwhile, NC is difficult when you work together but I know (from experience) that theway to deal with it is to stay rigidly professional – do not be tempted to talk about anything other than work. Do not join in chatter about the football, office sweepstake, new boss, etc. Deal with work issues only when you have to and the rest of the time HE DOES NOT EXIST.
How long it goes on for depends on how much work you are prepared to do on yourself. The more you work on you and start healing and moving forward, the quicker you’ll be free of him and walking into a happier life and relationship.
Try not to build it up in your mind, or remember it incorrectly and prettily.
It was not a good relationship – if it was, you and he would still be in it. NC will help you realise how much better off without him you are and it will diminish his “importance” in your life and memory.
You have an opportunity to be what he can’t be: someone another human can relate to on an intimate level for a long time to come.
Get well and go find the right type/s for you. And, meanwhile, business as usual and NOT A THING MORE.
Best Regards, Leonine
I wish i had found this site earlier today. Me and my ex of 5 months (short i know but still hard none the less) decided 3 weeks ago to take time out for a week or 2 and see what happens as we had begun fighting and the honey moon period was over.. He made me feel quite insecure towards the end, i was always initiating any intimacy and he rarely wanted to do it. Now, this guy told me he loved me very soon into the relationship.. like after 3 weeks or something. He told me he had never met anyone like me and wanted to spend all his free time with me and basically swept me off my feet.. I soon recipricated his feelings and genuinely loved him and still do. Anyway, we went NC for a week, then i bumped into him in town and we spoke for about 5 minutes and said we would speak again soon. So, a few days later i called and he asked me if i had been thinking about the situation and i said of course i had and asked if he had and what he wanted to do. He basically said that he wasn’t prepared to put up with me getting angry with him over the lack of intimacy and other things that bothered me so he said he wanted to break up. That was 3 days ago, i went NC for 3 days but today i text him. I basically wanted to tell him that i was not the only person who would complain about lack of intimacy in a relationship and that any girl would have a problem with it and that i wasn’t looking for anything out of the ordinary from him. I told him that yes i would like us to be friends and that i missed talking to him. I now feel so stupid as he has not replied and that was hours ago. Back to square one now and day one of NC starts all over again.
I am so glad i found this website. I am going through some shit….Okay let me start from the begining. I have was with my ex for almost a year. Let me remind you that he has two kids and I have three. We all stayed together and I only wasn’t a mother to my kids, but to his as well. I stop doing alot of things to be with this man…but honestly I am at that point of my life to where I needed to cut some of the things I was doing. On Monday I told him to get his things and get the hell out of my house since he didn’t want to take any consideration on how I felt about him staying out so late. This wasn’t his first time staying out late. I had tried to talk to him and let him know how I felt this was hurting our relationship, but he wasn’t trying to hear me out. I have been to alot more things with this man, so at this point I just had enough. I started the NC that day(Monday) I wonder if he will ever called. I was really good to this man. How could he do me like this. It hurt so bad, but I know GOD will work in my favor!!!!! Help me ladies……
I suggest making it permanent for men that add little value to your life. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly his ego that gets massaged.
**i was about to text him after no contact for 9 days reading your article saved me from doing it..its time to let go once and for all its his loss and i just hope that one day he will realize that
thanks for your great inspirational articles!! so glad i stumbled on this website!!
I have been reading these posts.and it is nice to realise I am not alone. I called him today and told him that
being friends was not going to work for me. I need to be by myself without contact from him. If or when I was ready to contact him, I would do so. He seemed to think that seeing me once a week without calls during the week was just fine…. I did not think so. So today is Day 1 of No Contact and I feel more empowered just telling him that I would be the one to make contact if I so desired. Thanks for reading and any guidance would greatly be appreciated.
Okay so here’s the deal -today was day 25 of NO CONTACT with my ASSCLOWN who treated me so bad, disrespected me and pretty much made me feel like i was nothing/nobody!! i wanted him soo bad and he made it very clear to me that he did not want a relationship with me and that i would never be his gf-which in turn made me question time and time again what the hell was wrong with me that i just could not make this guy see me for the sweet nice girl that i really am and make him want to feel for me what i felt for him-after deciding that it was not only a good idea but actually very necessary for my state of mind and overall well being to let this guy go i decided the no contact rule was the best way to go actually the only way to go…
The first week was probably the hardest because i was so used to calling/texting/messaging him every single day that it felt weird not to do anything at all but as the days went by it got a little bit easier and i started to think about him less and less and even today although i did think about him i knew that there was NO WAY i would initiate any contact with him and its made me feel so strong and proud of myself BUT then today my phone rings and who happens to be calling well none other but THE assclown..i was very surprised to say the least and for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!:(( but at least it was him calling me and not me calling him..anyways i just answered because i was curious to see what he wanted maybe he missed me, maybe he felt like seeing me and talking about things, or trying to work something out…hahah i should of known better than that!! the reason he was calling was to ask me for “a favor”,,,which sounded all too familiar because last time i hadnt talked to him for a long stretch of time he called asking me for “a favor”..not a favor that involved seeing him or anything but just getting him some information that he needed and this time he is calling me for the same reason-so being the sweet nice girl i am i agreed to do this favor for him..but my QUESTION is this-am i making a mistake by helping out this guy who has hurt me so much?im still not completly over him but i would like for him to realize what he’s missing and show him that despite everything i am the bigger person??should i call him back and give him the info that he needs or not even bother??does no contact mean never seeing or speaking to him again?? is he actually just testing to see if the “door is still open” or just make sure that i dont forget about him???who knows but i do need some much needed advice as to what to do before i fall for what may just be a trap and go through the cycle of hurt and pain all over again -thank you!!!!!!:)))
Hi Ria. Due to the length of your comment and various questions, this is more suited to the forum. Within the next week, all comment threads on old posts beyond the last month or so will be closing so for an ongoing discussion please post your story in the forum. Thanks
I am on day 5 of NC
I wanted to share a story with you to encourage you (and me too) to stay strong.
My mom is a lesbian and has a group for lesbian over 50. In this group is a woman that equals Mr. Unavalable. She is like a femal Mrs. Unavailable. She has all the symptoms. The narcistic harem and so on. And she is still “good freinds” with all her EXs. It’s all about the chase ” to conquer a woman”, so she explained once to my mom, that told her she shouldn’t play with a certain woman, that just had a coming out and fell so hard for her. She doesn’t give a damn.
Well but what was funny, there is only one woman in her life, that this woman is not getting over, is still talking about and is afraid like hell to ever meet her again. It is the woman, that completely broke contact with her, and wasn’t interested in any kind of friendship with her any more.
I know NC is not for affecting their lifes, and to get validation in that kind of form, but if we use NC to get back to our lifes and to what we really are, that most of us have forgotten (me included), it’s kind an extra bonus to think about, that this might anger their ego …the full NC.
xxx
Jen,
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the following: ” that told her she shouldn’t play with a certain woman, that just had a coming out and fell so hard for her. She doesn’t give a damn.”
sorry…in this group was a woman, that fell in love with this Mrs. Unavailable, and that woman just with 45 years old, realized, that she is a lesbian, so this were her first experience in love things with a lesbian woman. My mom told so this Mrs. EUM, to not play with that woman, cause she anyway is already vulnerable, after realizing, that she is loving women, not men, that is a hard and crazy thing, when you says yes to those feelings so late. And unluckily she fell in love with EUM. But the Mrs. EUM didn’t care at all, she sais she likes comquerin a woman, she loves the chase….that’s what I ment with it, sorry, I am german, english is not my mother language,
xxx
Jen,
Thanks for the clarification.
Wow, that’s terrible. I can’t believe some can be aware of what they’re doing and be so heartless. Has anyone called her on her behavior towards others?
Is this the same woman who went NC with Mrs Unavailable?
well, my mom is trying to convince the Mrs. Unavailable, but Mrs. EUM is rather thinking about conquering my Mom as well than listen to her advice, But my Mom is resisting, and she has to dry a lot of tears of all the women, that Mrs. EUM hurted. Mrs. EUm is going on vacation with long term fallback girl, while she is texting another woman, how much she misses her. It’s unbelievable, And she is not even beautiful!!! Quite the opposite. But she must be so charming, that kind of psycho dangerous charm, that all that EUM seem to have.
The 45 years old, is new in that group, and she cried her heart out, that she found out, by falling in love with Mrs. EUM, that she is lesbian. Awefull!!!
And no, the woman that went completely on NC, is someone of her past. My mom just told me, that to an event, that EUM expected that woman to might appear, and she was sooo nervous, and full of fears, that she might could meet her. My mom said, that was the first time, she saw behind her masque.
Hi Jen, that woman sounds like a real assclown! Assclownary is not limited to men and there are some real female predators out there. The trouble is that unfortunately people often have to get their fingers burnt to learn the hard way. It’s just unfortunate that this womans first experience is with a manipulative, egocentric clown of a woman getting a kick out of breaking her in. Mrs EUM’s reaction is not unusual – she’s not in control and the feelings that this brings about convince her that she’s fallen for the woman.
Comments are closing on this post – this will be happening site wide for posts over a certain age but setting up some NC areas in the forum plus have some new posts on No Contact coming up.