The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering ‘What if?’
- What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?
- What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.
- What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman?
I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear: With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, who blow hot and cold, and who won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up.
‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises – whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference; they just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give another chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!
Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control, because you can’t control him and the way this dead end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and damn well slam it shut when they try to push it back open.
And that is the barometer of how successful NC is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.
So what does NC involve?
No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him.
Do not allow any of the following things to break NC:
You’re hormonal.
You’re horny.
You’re drunk.
You’re lonely.
You’re nostalgic.
You’re weak.
You have an emergency.
You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.
If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking ‘ so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though….’
No contacting him via your friends. Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.
No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.
Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.
Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.
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Yep NC sucks but it does work. Been there done that a couple of times now with the cakeman I had. He has used me and abused me too much to continue to go back again and again. He used to say to me over and over, “I love you so much; I want to be with you; We’ll be together soon enough, I just need to wait a little while longer; yadda, yadda.” They don’t leave. Well maybe some do, but my cakeman didn’t and will never. 3 young kids and a wife who has medically issues as well as emotional…he’ll never leave. I have learned that all this time he was using me for a shag as you English say, lol! When things were not going well at home, it was me who was there and always was there but when the tables turned and I needed him, he wasn’t nor couldn’t be there for me. As of today it’s been 34 days of NC for me and this is the 3rd time, however he has tried to do something to contact me this past week and I knew he was going too sooner or later. Must be having issues at home again, too bad so sad.
I look at it this way, if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me he would. He however does not and I’m not going to be used as a shag for him when he isn’t getting it at home or things are not going the way he wants them to at home. It sucks because deep down I do still care for this man but I know I was used for what he needed at the time and once that need was gone, he would leave or say he can’t do it anymore. He has done this to me numerous times. Well this gal isn’t going to let it happen again. Life is too short and there are way too many good decent single men out there that would want to be with me and me alone!
So girls NC does work and if you’re in the same kind of situation, I suggest NC for you all. It may hurt for a while but the pain does go away and in time you start to see the true deal and who these cakemen really are and what they stand for. Goddess bless and be strong!!!
I believe the rest is that your should shoot for at least 60 days to begin with right? If he catches you on the phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.
Today I’m at 30 days of no contact with the emotionally unavailable man that was in and out of my life and ran hot/cold on me for 1.5 years. It was tough for a couple of weeks – almost like withdrawal from an addiction, but gets better every day. I’m also getting closer to and enjoying time with a good man who I was “playing” for the last couple of months I was being played by the assclown.
I still think of him, but it’s in perspective. I’m not longing to hear from him at all, but I know that I will someday (it’s his M.O.). I had a dream about him last night – he had really big hair, and was being his same self-centered self. ;o)
His number is still in my phone, but I changed the name from his to “Assclown” a couple days before I told him to piss off. This is effective for me – it reminds me just WHO he is!
Question though, what do I do with the stuff he left at my house? For some reason I want to be the better person and return it, although NOT in person.
The no contact rule?! I love it!!! I tell all my friends who are going through breakups to stop freaken talking to their ex’s.
They are like, “I just broke up with my ex, but im on the phone to him right now and i just found out he is now dating my brother’s friend’s, girlfriend’s, cousin” LMAO
Like you said the number one reason you have to cut the contact is to regain back that control. If you don’t stop contacting them, your mood is always dependent on whether or not you get in contact with you.
As well as this, using this rule means that you can really test is someone likes you … If you initiate this and get bombarded with phone calls, msgs, flowers and invited on dates, then you pretty much know where you stand.
If the guy doesn’t even flinch when you apply this rule and actually seems happier .. well then you know its time to stop crying and get over it .. because is over you!
I dunno there is something so empowering, when you find out that your ex just tried to call you and you didn’t have to pick up the phone.
Having no more contact with your ex, is definately the first step in getting over a hurtful breakup ..
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Hi Freja,
Its so true what you say about the addiction thing! Its almost like we a relying on someone else to make us happy and feel better about ourselves!
I dont know how healthy that it is, all i would say, is that it helps to replace that addiction with something else.
So instead of calling him or something, what do you do instead? Figuring that out can definately help the process =)
In regards to your question if you should drop his stuff off. Well i would say do drop it off depending on your intent. If somehow you think that by dropping off his stuff, he is somehow going to like you more for it, or it gives you the slight chance that you might see him … then i would say dont give it back.
If on the other hand, your feel morally guilty by his stuff being at your house and you just want to give it back, then by all means drop it off. Get one of your friends to leave it outside his house, but dont go there yourself, and dont leave any note or letter either – all of these things will lead back to temptation of getting back into contact him.
Also a good idea if you do want to organize to drop off his stuff, that you do it after your have gone through your non contact period.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
My situation is getting much more complicated than what others are experiencing. My MM is a cop and when I broke it off from him he started checking up on me. This is the third time I ended it and we have been together off and on for 5 yrs. He caused a lot of problems for me when we were seeing each other since he would acuse me of not paying enough attention to him, or once i gave someone my number when he was in the room and he made a scene. Due to that and the fact that he was still not leaving his wife, I broke it off. Now I am a very accomplished woman, mature, and was a victims couselor. I now find myself in a situation where he is trying to manipulate me in public by making scenes and I fear he is ruining my reputation in this very small town. I did threaten him with talking to his wife early on, 3 weeks ago. He has called me several times wanting to talk but our last contact he basically called me a whore because he saw me with another man whom he knows. (he was on duty and made a scene when he pulled up next to us in his car, thus leaving me to explain/lie around the situation) I have had no contact with him for the past week however I a so fearful that he will cause a problem again, but on the other hand why should I hide out??? Getting a restraining order is not an option. Small town, he will loose his job, and I am really embarrased about people even knowing I was with him.
Help.
I would leave it alone and continue with the NC for now, however if he does start bothering you again I think the only way to nip it in the bud might be telling the W about what he has done. Your in a tough spot. I do have to say and Im sorry about that. My MM told his wife and in forth she told my now ex about us. We had this going for over a year off and on. He finally ended it when I was having some issues with buying my new house. He decided then he couldnt handle dealing with my issues so he dumped me via email and didnt have the gonads to talk to me to my face.
Anyway, like I said not that Im an expert here but try to continue with that NC and if he does start harrasssing you, tell him to leave you alone and if that doesnt work then send a note to the wife. Good luck and keep us posted.
I think No contact works when one or both parties are too weak to stick to their resolve.
Otherwise, it’s needless heartache.
If something is over, leave it alone. But that doesn’t mean you can NEVER talk to the person again. Give yourself some time to get strong first tho, make sure you’re in no danger of going back.
I’ve been divorced for 3 years and never did get closure with my XH. It ended with NC, and it took a while, but I can talk to him now, and there is no way I’d go back to him, or he me. But we can talk about our M and what life is like now for us both. It’s not a problem for us, and I appreciate the friendship very much.
But when I was weak, I was weak, and we needed NC because we both knew it was dead.
Thanks for the advice and any other suggestions, please let it fly. His last message left for me indicated that he didn’t know why I was angry and still wanted to talk for closure….I will keep this message because it really shows how HE DOESN”T GET IT! I do not want to give him another opportunity to verbally abuse me. Anyway, I am nervous to socialize this weekend since he may be out and about and afraid it will be uncomfortable/a scene. HOW bad is that? I was thinking of txting him to just say, “We are OK but I don’t want to have contact with you anymore. There is nothing more to say.” or whatever suggestions you have. SMall town, small social circles and I am afraid if I do contact W, it will be a BIG mess. One I would like to avoid.
A big, bold YES! to this post. I’m always thrilled when bloggers publicize no contact (NC).
It is THE ONLY method that is effective against pathological narcissists, who account for many of the men we refer to as manipulators, game players, users, two-timers, and commitment phobes. I always recommend this MSN support forum for those recovering from relationships with narcissists, as well as the writings of Sam Vaknin.
I’ve been in NC with a narcissistic ex-boyfriend for a year and a half now. Yes, he still contacts me from time to time, but I haven’t answered, and the urge to do so has long since faded. Once you’re out of the “N fog,” that desperate addiction to him that makes you question your very sanity, it’s amazing how quickly you begin to detach and realize how much better off you are without him to criticize, demean, terrorize, threaten, isolate, intimidate, manipulate, demoralize, and betray you.
Life is peaceful now. My heart isn’t jerked around on a leash, my head is clear of his manipulative accusations and degrading comments, and I’m surrounded by people who can show their “love” without inflicting pain.
Hot Alpha Female: Great comments, but I would also add that a shower of flowers and other make-up gifts is common when a chronic commitment phobe or narcissist thinks he’s losing his steady stream of sex and attention. A lot of these guys are capable of pouring on the affection for weeks or months until they have us hooked back in, only to start the emotional abuse cycle again.
So be careful. If your guy is basically decent but just reluctant to commit, maybe this will be his wake-up call. But if his interest is continually fluctuating, don’t get trapped back into the dance just because he initially responds with cards and heart-shaped chocolates.
Money can buy presents and is easy to spend. It can’t buy him heart.
Freja: As someone who was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man for years, my suggestion is to give all his stuff to charity. Just get rid of it.
If you feel ethically bound to return it, do as Hot Alpha Female suggested and have someone else drop it at his door or box it and mail it back. However, I would do this as soon as possible so that once you go NC, your NC will be permanent. If you wait too long, he may interpret the return of his stuff as a carrot for him to contact you and express his gratitude, annoyance, regret, or whatever other emotion he can fool you into believing he has.
Katbutt: We’re allowed to be weak, if weakness is what it really is. When we invest so much time, energy, and emotion in someone, it’s hard to let them go. I don’t think that’s weak. I think that’s normal.
And I agree with you that permanent NC isn’t necessary for every situation. If you’re breaking up with someone because you can’t get along or are moving in different directions or for any reason other than that he’s abusing you, you can definitely have an amicable relationship after a cooling off period.
The problem is that a lot of these guys who make us even consider NC are the very type who just aren’t worth ever contacting again. They’re users and abusers, emotionally unhealthy, manipulative jerks who have a lifestyle of devaluing and discarding the women they’ve sucked dry. With these guys, you need to stay in NC because they can so convincingly “change” or play the pity card when they want you to come sashaying back into their arms.
For women who are breaking out of relationships with this kind of man, NC eventually becomes the only option.
Hot Alpha: I totally agree with you…for normal, basically healthy guys. I just wanted to point out that quite a few guys out there are chronic jerks and will initially be on their best behavior after the threat of NC but will soon relapse into their old patterns.
And I think you’re 100% right that NC is just as essential for us gals as it is for the guys in refreshing our perspective and allowing us the distance to see our partners for who they really are!
Singletude
Hi Elise,
Hmmm yes i think that is a great point that you added to that! The one thing that you have to remember though is that men don’t respond to words, they respond to distance. This is one of the reasons why the no contact rule is so important!
I guess at the end of the day, you really need to know what you are looking for in a guy and what you deserve. The NC allows you to gain clarity because the affects of attraction are no as strong.
Its kind of like when you first breakup with your boyfriend and then a couple of fays afterwards, you thinking man he was the perfect guy, we were such a great match etc etc.
The like a months later or further down the track, you start remembering all his faults that you didn’t even see before when you were dating him. NC allows the rose tinted glasses to come off so you can see that man for what he really is.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
yoyo extreme: It can be such a helpless feeling when the very people who are supposed to protect us (i.e. law enforcement) are the ones subjecting us to abuse! And have no doubt about it, this guy’s behavior toward you is abusive!
If you feel that you need to give him a send-off, then a simple “it’s over now, and I can’t have any further contact with you” should do the trick. But then THAT’S IT. You need to go into NC, no matter how much he begs and pleads.
You’re absolutely right. YOU shouldn’t have to hide out. YOU aren’t the one acting out in public and stirring up trouble. But you are hiding out, in a way, by closeting the situation. Silence is an abuser’s accomplice. As long as he is holding this secret over your head, he’s in a position of power.
I understand that you feel sorry for him and don’t want him to lose his job, but HE is the one endangering his job security by harassing you, not vice versa. YOU are not responsible to protect HIM from the consequences of HIS behavior.
I understand also that this is an embarrassing situation for you because you don’t feel proud of your decision to get involved with this married man. Yoyo, you need to forgive yourself for making this mistake and realize that your peace of mind and safety from his harassment are more important than what others might think of you.
I think you have two options. You can either stay silent, and if it gets really bad, you can consider moving to another town. Or you can see if NC deters him, and if it doesn’t, you can report him, in which case, yes, he might lose his job, but that is HIS fault, not yours.
I wouldn’t bother, btw, to contact his wife. She’s likely to side with and defend him at worst, and at best, I highly doubt that she’ll be any support to you. If he stalks or threatens you, report him to the authorities. If his wife finds out as a consequence, that’s his problem to deal with.
Good luck! I truly wish you all the best in this difficult situation.
Singletude
Hi Elsie,
Yes i think that you need to be aware of those types of guys. The commitment phobes, the players, the sleezes.
But if you listen to you intuition then usually you can smell then a while away and its best not to get involved with them in the first place.
I think half the relationship is already won, if you can pick a parnter that is well suited to you in the long term
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Elsie I work in law enforcement too and therefore we may cross paths via friends and events. I am not afraid of him but more that my rep will be tarnished. I have a daughter in school here so moving is not an option. My father was very ill and passed away two months ago and that is what weakened me into letting him back into my life. I have forgiven myself, and am looking forward to putting all of it behind me. At some point he will probably get caught cheating on her with someone else. SAD
Hey…. Im now 16 days into the NCR and its incredibly hard going…. these websites are great for focas when your tempted to mail or phone your ex.
I think whats making this NC successful it I didnt do it as a knee jerk response to getting screwed around for the hundreth time…. it was a slow burning feeling that I wanted more and was never going to get it from him… also that the “come here, go away” behaviour that he displayed had become annoying and emotionally destructive to me.
we have agreed that we will talk again one day, and dispite everything he did that made me feel shit about myself, I do like him still ( not in a sexual way only) and would love to be a mate one day.
the NCR is essential for a healthy break up, you cant move on without some time out from the person you felt so much for… simply because it blurs the bounderies…. my relationship didnt feel over until we stopped talking. everytime we saw each other we would end up snogging, stupid really!
Having said that I miss him so much I feel sick, so it might take a while for me to move onto a place where I can say hi without the butterflies.
Hey vix,
Congrats on having at least 16 days no contact. Its takes a lot at the beginning but each and everyday it gets easier and easier trust me.
You learn to trust yourself again and are reminded that you are the only one that can make yourself happy. No – one else.
Its good to remind yourself everyday that by cutting someone out of your life, you are allowing for someone even better to enter into it. These kinds of affirmations are great because they give you the hope of a better much more loving and exciting filled relationship in the future
All the best
Hot Alpha Female
Hi Alpha female
well Im into the 6th week of no contact now and the feeling of wanting to talk to him and tell him my news and hear his is stronger than even… but still I resist.
Iknow I have done the right thing… but its like coming off drugs or something( not that I ever have, but its what I would imagine its like).
thanks for the support though 🙂
Vix
I it’s me again. I just finished week 4 of NCR. His phone messages stopped 3 weeks ago. I had a rough weekend but held out. In the beginning I was just feeling angry and now that that has subsided, I am missing him. He passed me in the car yesterday and he didn’t even look at me. This felt good and bad. I have been staying home and avoiding places I may see him, but this can’t go on forever. I almost want to run into him to get it over with. The best response I can come up with for now is “I grew some self esteem, go away”.
Hi Yo Yo Extreme. Be proud of yourself for making it this far. It’s never easy to do something like this. It is supposed to hurt but through the pain comes growth and through the growth comes better self esteem. The reality is that as your self esteem grows you will both grow further apart because your relationship cannot work when you have a healthier self esteem. He sounds like a jackass anyway 😉
Hey Girls,
Everyone is doing so well with their no contact!! I know its really hard, but the further they are out of your life the better.
Its not because they are a bad person or anything. Its just that they are a representation of the past and what not. And how can you possibly move forward you are still holding onto the past?
Vix i hear what you are saying when you talk about coming off drugs. Addiction to people is one of the things that wreck most relationships. But im glad that you are coming off that addiction and replacing it with things that will help you have better relationships in the future.
All the best guys .. let me know how you are going
Hot Alpha Female
It does complicate things when you are trying to apply the NC rule when you work with your ex-EUM. I gave mine the “talk” last week and basically told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore. After two and a half years of being in love with him, and finally realizing that he will never feel the same way about me, I ended it–BUT, I still have to work with him. I am clear and firm on my decision to end it, and it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to see him every day. So, in trying to be the “bigger person”, I am doing my best to keep things cordial with him at work, but it is not easy. I envy those of you who can just move on, take him off your cell phone, not answer the door, etc., you have so much more control over the situation than I do. I still have to look at his face, into his eyes, and have work conversations with him. It sucks. But, I keep telling myself I am a strong woman–I CAN DO THIS! And I will. Time heals the pain and hurt, and this is a stepping stone to uncomplicating my life so that hopefully someday I can meet a man who will actually want a relationship, see me for the wonderful woman that I am (because I am awesome), and CONSISTENTLY give me the time and attention I so deserve.
I know that EUMs are not “bad people.” They are wounded souls who have unresolved issues that prevent them from fully loving another human being. But…..not my problem. My responsibility is to myself, and my happiness. I do not wish harm to my EUM–I truly hope he gets it together so that he can have a healthy relationship with someone someday. It just won’t be me.
To all of us that are hurting and in pain–stay strong, remember you are awesome, and you all deserve the best life has to offer!
I broke it off with my mm a month ago. He called me last week but did not leave a message. I had a few too many cocktails and texted him and told him i was away and not to make this hard on me. I was suppose to be doing the nc. Did i break it? will this be an opening for him?
Hi Lee, you did break it but just take it as a bump in the road and be prepared to ignore his next attempt. He is likely to perceive it as an opening but he may not act on it as he now knows that 1) you were interested enough to respond and 2) you’re finding it hard. Sometimes that’s all the info they need to crawl back under their stones….
NML
Should I assume than that he will no longer contact me and I can get on with my life? Maybe giving him that little ego boost was the best thing to keep him away.
Never assume anything with these guys. You have to stop worrying about what he will do and actually get on with your life. If he calls, don’t respond. Whenever he attempts to make contact, don’t respond and eventually he’ll get the hint. But you need to cut him out of all aspects of your life including your mind. It’s not easy – this is like cold turkey- but the longer time that passes, the easier it will become.
Do you think changing my phone number is too extreme? IF I change it I won’t wonder if he will contact me and he won’t be able to. This is like an addiction for me and now I am wondering and wanting him to call but I know i have to be done with this for good. My friends and family think I should change the number but I of course am hesitant
Lee.. I did the number change.. my only suggestion? wait a while til you’re stronger, then change it.. I changed mine the next day after we broke up, totally impulsive. He emailed me 2 days later and said, “youre phone is not working”.I emailed him back and told him I changed my # and why, then gave it to him. Talk about pathetic!!!! He didn’t even flinch that I was so distraught over the break up I couldn’t stop looking at that damn phone…I have told him not to contact me.. he says “ok” then texts me a private joke/aspect of our life together, and I cave. He is totally out for himself. I’m moving on now though.. I am done picking up and done returning texting. No more convos’s why, no more head’s up to him.. I’m gonna take control of this and move on, like I should have a month ago.. Again.. it’s very difficult.. like a drug…
I am going to wait. I actually drunk dialed him but hung up before he could answer. I did not hear back from him so I have been quite distraught. What I have been doing is turning my phone off every night because if he was to call it would be then but either way if he calls or does not call I will not know. It is just too painful. I am going to do that for 2 months. I am sure i will not hear from him. SO hopefully I will be stronger then.
Thanks for your message. Stay strong. I know it is hard. I miss him everyday but he has nothing to offer me.
Lee.. I am now in day #5 of no contact.. It is like a drug.. especially over the w/e.. He has called me once and left a funny message.. I did not return the call.. I have some suggestions for you in regards to that dreaded cell phone. Leave it in another room when you’re eating, watching tv etc.. out of sight out of mind. If you have a few errands to run, leave the phone home.. It clears your mind, believe me!!! Lastly, it seems like you have done this.. when you are settled at night, say watching your favorite show, shut the phone off til morning. It gives you such piece of mind of not dealing with it…No checking it, thinking you hear it, and most of all obsessing over it.. One last thing.. I just picked up a book last night.. “It’s a break up b/c it’s broken”.. it’s by the same couple who wrote, “he’s not that into you”.. PICK IT UP!!!!! It is not only brutally honest, but wicked funny, and will make you feel ridiculous chasing and wasting your time with men who aren’t in your life anymore and have nothing to offer you. You actually find yourself laughing at some of the excuses you have used in your head and how stupid they are..
GOOD LUCK
Yes, it’s me again, and it’s day 8.. omg.. i guess it’s getting better, but still so difficult.. especially since I think I saw him driving yesterday, but couldn’t look back to confirm.. This is definitely the way to go, but still feel like I’m obsessing about what he is doing, or for that matter, who he is calling if it’s not me.. He is emotionally unavailable and seperated but still married..
What am I stupid????
No, you are not stupid. It’s important to not beat yourself up! I just ran into my EUM (who I work with) in the work kitchen and my when I saw him, I got that weird butterfly feeling in my stomach. It sucks, but you just have to keep moving forward….remember, time heals and time also helps make these EUMs a distant memory. Take care.
It was so great to read all of this!! I am in the same situation as most of you. I did it all wrong from the beginning: believing all his promises, excepting his engagement ring (when I was ready to break up with him) and of course taking him back 2-3 times after his “space”. NOW years later I feel like no contact is the first thing I’ve done right in a long time. We broke up in late Nov (him again) and a few weeks later we were in contact which led to sex which usually led to getting back together. Same pattern except this time I wasn’t letting him back without a commitment. ( I know the sex was sooooo foolish) This went on for about 6-8 weeks and I heard he was dating someone else. Of course during the “booty calls” we agreed to tell each other if one of us were to start dating. He “was thinking about telling me but I felt weird calling you and telling you booty had to stop”. Of course he had sex with me just a few weeks before that. I called him and ripped him a new one and then called crying and telling him he ruined my life, etc etc. Told him I was glad we didn’t get married cuz my ass would be at the curb and I was glad he is someone else’s schmuck now. And that was the beginning of no contact. I blocked my email and instant messaging. I am 7 days no contact. I have cried and screamed and journaled and called friends instead of him. I know this will all go away but it is a long bumpy healing road. Right now I am afraid of him contacting me. I want to be strong and unemotional if and when he does. Any of you dating a commitment-phobe ? I do think he fits the profile. If you are how long until he contacted you? Most of the time I feel like I can ignore him but he is very charming and knows exactly what to say to me and I still have weak moments that I wouldn’t trust myself to ignore him. His usual MO is about 3-4 weeks but I’m hoping since he’s got the “new and exciting” p*ssy it will take him longer. Actually a part of me hopes he has found the right girl and leaves me alone. Hopefully in a few months ALL of me will feel that way. After the initial shock of the break ups, I usually do better with no contact. I could go on forever cuz my story is long but that is the jist of it. Appreciate any help from you all. Thanks
Linda.. doesn’t it all sound familiar? LOL
No contact is very hard.. I’m going on 9 days and still freak out.. We have been broken up for over a month, but the texts, calls, etc have been coming in all along until now.. He has contacted me once durning these 9 days, and I did not return the call.. It is so hard.. Everyday I wake up and don’t think I’m going to make it thru the day.. The hardest thing is wondering what he is doing or who he is doing it with it.. My therapist says this will fade and the thoughts of him will become less and less.. They say with No Contact it’s short term pain for long term happines.. Wondering how long that”short” term pain is.. You try and be the bigger person by setting NC, but then wonder , “why aren’t they calling me”.. when in reality.. that’s what they should do.. not call us.. double edged sword.. It’s much easier to not reach out to him, then it is to ignore him when the call or text comes in.. But then you think… if you pick up or talk to him.. Nothing changes!!! You feel good for about 15 mintues than feel like sht after b/c nothing has changed.. Been there, done that.. NC is the only way.. You are on your way!! Dont’ slip up, you’ll end up in the back of the line again and you know how that sucks…
Good luck.. let’s keep posting.. I think it’s very therputic (not sure i sp that right)
I am going on my fifth day of NC and it is not hard at all however I have a question for anyone who maybe reading this blog.
My manipulater lives half a mile from me. My girlfriend is convinced he will try and contact me at some point after everything that has happened between us. I disagree with her since our last encounter.
I have not been direct to him about my true feelings however I think he has some inclination. I have not been totally upfront to him about my feelings because I knew he wasn’t ready and is still not ready for a committ. I still don’t think he is b/c of his anger torward his ex. My question is, when and if he were to call me I tell him directly that he is insecure and inavailable, will it help? Or do we let these guys drowned in their own pityful sorrow never succoming to the pain that they really feel inside and ignore. I mean this vicious cycle he is going thru is making him into a bastard and I know he was not like that before he got divorced. He has these maternal skills I have never saw in a guy before. I mean its crazy.
Again my simple question is, does it help to set their record straight and let them know you know about all of their smoke and mirrors? Or do these men just want to bleed to death because they are so stubborn?
well ladies it seems my EUM, cracked over the w/e and sent me the “miss you” text.. I have not texted him, emailed him or contacted him in almost 2 weeks… I did not respond, but what did I really want to say, “sucks, doesn’t it”….
How frigin selfish of him to text that to me.. What did he gain out of that? Did it set me back, of course it did… Did it make me feel a little liberated, yes.. But what is the poitn of that text… He doesn’t plan on doing anything about it so he should take his “miss you” texts and shove up his you know what….
Holy self-centered…
Hi girls! How’s everyone hanging in there? I’m 11 days no contact. My days are getting better for the most part. Last Thursday was a bad day, wondering if he was spending the holiday with his new girlfriend or her with his family, etc. after spending 4 1/2 years of holidays with me. I decided that I had to stop all those thoughts and concentrate on ME!! I went and bought some books and starting reading about EU people and breaking up/starting over. I had 3 GREAT days in a row including Easter with my family. Today was a little off – those feelings of “what’s wrong with me” crept into my brain but I DIDN”T cry!!!!! I noticed my EUM online twice last week after 6 weeks of disappearing online. (He of course is blocked so he can’t see me- which is a bit satisfying) That is his usual way of first contact after a break up. Sheila, from all I’ve been reading your “miss you” text is nothing but his way of seeing if your still there. He’s realizing that his “safety net” may not be there and it’s taking him out of his comfort zone. Good for you not answering!!! I know how hard that was but don’t be the fall back girl. I sometimes hope that mine contacts me for that liberation but part of me doesn’t want him to because of the mini set back I’m sure it would be for me. I think I’m safe for awhile because there is another girl in the picture but I don’t think he has it in him to actually commit to ANYONE!! So when that runs it’s course……… Emme, I don’t know your whole situation but my experience with trying to point out what I was seeing happening in my relationship did NO good. If he can’t see it, nobody can make him see it. I pointed out to my EUM that his relationships throughout his life always lasted 2 years – I was the longest. He couldn’t possibly have picked ALL wrong girls in 25 years of dating/ marriage. I told him I was willing to do anything to save our relationship. I offered to go to therapy together then by the end I told him he needed therapy himself. Know what he said?? “Why there’s nothing wrong with me” Until something happens in their life to make them want to grow emotionally and be emotionally healthy, I don’t think anyone or anything said to them does any good. I don’t know how you and yours communicate but by the end, he was not communicating with me at all. I would ask how he felt about something and all my answers were “I don’t know”. The more I pushed trying to make it work, the faster he ran. I asked him to take two months and both of us really open ourselves up and put all we had into it and see what happens. If he still wanted out, at least we could walk away knowing we tried. So of course, I put 200% into it, trying to do things we did in the beginning, trying new things to bring back the spark, etc. He put nothing into it and ran faster. Oh guess what girls- he just signed online again!!!! I secretly hope he’s looking for an email from me or trying to email me (which will automatically be deleted without me knowing) Well, I’m off to bed keep in touch Linda
ok, girls I need some serious advice right now.. I just got a major set back.. I’m about 2 weeks of No Contact and was doing great. The set back is this. My ex is in sales and the club trip was Cabo this year ( in April)..We had talked about going if he made the trip via sales. He was 99% sure he was not making it. I got a passport and everything.. I just heard that he’s going with one of his guy friends, that is also a close friend of mine. We actually met thru this friend. I guess it could be way worse, he could be going with his wife who he’s seperated from, or another girl right? Why do I feel like I’m going to break down in tears right now? I was supposed to go on that trip with him.. Why does this hurt so bad? If wish I never found out.. and another question.. should I try to sever ties with our mutual friend til I feel better? Eventually I would have found out, but that doesn’t take the pain away…
Sheila- I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was supposed to go on a trip with my EUM the first week of May. I keep thinking about it and I know that week will be horrible imaging that he’s taking his new girlfriend. I probably won’t ever know but it is still the fact that I was supposed to be with him that week. We made the plans over 1 year ago. I hate to see you lose your friendship with this mutual friend because I lost a lot of friends during this period and it sucks. What I would do though is set some boundaries with him. TELL him you would like to remain friends with him but your EUM’s name and any discussion involving him is OFF limits. He is not to bring him up in any way. The hardest part will be that YOU also have to stick to that. You cannot ask about him or bring up his name. If you don’t think you can handle that, then break contact for now. I did that with my EUM’s family. I was close to his sister in law (of course I thought we were going to be sisters in law). She emailed me and said she was sorry about our breakup and asked if we could stay in touch. I emailed her back and very nicely said that I cared about her family and I hoped that someday we could but for now I needed to cut all ties. She totally understood and respected that. I didn’t contact her for about 4 months. I just recently saw her online and started chatting when I found out my EUM was screwing me and chasing his new girlfriend. I did it for mostly the wrong reasons- I WAS curious how she and her family were doing and I did miss her but mostly I did it to let her know what a piece of sh*t her brother in law is. I told her everything and she felt horrible because she had no idea he was seeing(screwing) me. She told me he hasn’t mentioned my name since Thanksgiving. Then I let his mother have the whole story, too. It felt good for a couple of days but it was out of anger. So, now I’m left with her emailing me to make sure I’m doing ok, etc. Well, now I have cut contact again by just not appearing online and not opening her emails. I feel better NOT knowing and not having contact with anyone involved with him. I know his plans all through April and that first week of May and I CANNOT wait until that week is over so I don’t know what he’s doing. When nostalgic thoughts enter your head, you need to push those away and start thinking about what was WRONG with your relationship and what an a**hole he really is and that no matter what we women would have done differently in the relationship and what we would have done to save the relationship, we would still be in this position because THEY don’t want it. If your guy wanted you that bad, he would be divorced by now. If these guys “loved” us in a healthy, mature way, they would 1. be open to recognize they have emotional issues ( I’m sure you’ve told him that- I know I have MANY times, crying, screaming, talking, any way to get my point across) and 2. they would be willing to go to therapy or work on these issues and go to the ends of the earth to save your relationship!!! Sheila, I know how hard this is – My mother said she has NEVER seen me in all these years so distraught- she was truely worried about me. BUT WE DESERVE BETTER!!!! I put all my heart and soul into my relationships so why shouldn’t I deserve that back????WE DO. I haven’t cried in almost a week. I still have moments that I want to text him and tell him what a f*ck up he is, but I talk myself out of it. If I have contact with him, nothing has changed and I would be back at square 1 and believe me I DON’T want to feel that way again. Sheila, hang in there. It will get better. I wish we could chat live because I know when you feel like that it seems forever to wait for these words. When I cry or get angry or have a panic attack (which I haven’t had in over a week now!!!), I like to talk right then. If there is some way you could get in touch with me, I would gladly talk you through it. My girlfriend and I have to do it daily. She’s going through the same thing. We’re lucky because my strong days are her weak ones and visa versa. Maybe there is a chat room or text messaging or something that would help instantly. If you have any ideas, let me know!! You’re doing great. keep it up!!! Another thing to remember even if he was going with another girl or if another girl enters his life, WE know what these new girls are getting and they will be in our shoes one day, too.
Linda.. I actually got over it pretty quick as the day went on, after emailing several people about what had happened. But yes, I was distraught, but think i’m over it now..Ironically enough, a text came thru from him yesterday again..He dug really deep, by sending me a pix that was truly sentimental and he knew that.. WTF..
Where do you live? I’m from RI…
Give me your cell.. we’ll chat more.. Mine is 401-578-6404..
And yes I agree with the situation with my mutual friend.. It’s much easier said than done but he is truly in the middle… As far as your EUM taking another girl.. MY GOD.. holy rebound.. and you’re right.. now she has his baggage.. I need to find out more about your situation.. Give me a ring.. I’m usually home after work, errands, gym etc.. about 8ish at night..
STAY STRONG!!!
linda.. almost forgot.. did you buy the book.. “its called a break-up b/c it’s broken”… if not, RUN OUT AND GET IT!!!!
It’s like my bible.. for real.. It has helped me tremendously..
really bad day yesterday and today.. I cried for the 1st time yesterday in a month.. it was terrible, I didn’t want to leave my house or do anything… No idea why I’m still so consumed by where he is or what he’s doing.. He is still texting me randomly like twice a week.. that is probably the problem.. Today I woke up and I felt like I did 6 weeks ago when all this started.. I am literally sick of thinking about it but it seems like I can’t stop… This sucks..I feel like I’ve regressed….
hey gals….i love reading all ur posts….as i finish each post, i feel im reading my story and he is my MM….but this website is really a God sent….im so relieved tht finally i found people who are like me, who r suffering like me…my MM’s b’day is day after 2moro and coincidentally mine is next week…i did send him a card but im sure he’ll not do the same….im trying so hard, and i 100% agree with big break up moment, i did the same so many times telling him its over and then rebounding back to him….i honestly felt like a jerk and hated myself and he remains like an iceberg no matter wht i do…i shout at him, he runs away, i try to bring him back, he is so cold, i tell him i am leaving, he is stone…..and i feel like comitting suicide….in my last email, i told him how low and cheap i feel stooping so low always and ive lost all my self respect….and in return he just sent back a message, ‘u r jst crazy’…..thts it….i dint reply back hoping he will console me, cajole me but no news. his status online is forever set to away….but he never buzzez even though i rarely go online and when i do buzz him, he just says hang on and disappears w/o a notification…i keep waiting like a donkey and finally log off feeling more and more degraded everytime…i dont understand y i am i doing this to myself…where has my self esteem gone? y am i letting him do this to me when i know he is not worth it…? there r 2 or 3 guys who really wanna be friendly with me, they want to take me out but i just feel so dejected and loathe the thought of it….what shall i do? after my last outbreak, i didnt respond to his ‘u r jst crazy’, but he again disappeared….and with him, all my emotions go down the drain….i miss his love and friendship so much, he was so caring, so loving…but now for the past year,he has become the hardest rock on earth…nothing moves him anymore…he simply stopped caring for me, his love just vanished and i feel so hopeless, so badly rejected and i miss him so much……
Rainey…
Chase the post man for that birthday card!!! He is not worth the shit on your shoes. They call come crawling back, it’s just a matter of who is strong enough to tell them to F off!!!
Guys suck, and yes I’m bitter!!!! I read this and it just enrages me so much as does my own situation, that I feel I really have not taken complete control of . I go about 3 weeks with NC except some random text messages from him, that I respond to. Well yesterday the text messaging exploded into a whole day thing, 30 messages later. Today, I feel like shit. I’m so sick of feeling like this, but when the texts come in, it’s literally like a drug. I do not call, email, or text first ever, but I can’t not respond to his texts. I’ve told him I can’t move on this continues, but that was weeks ago, and now it’s back to this. He just cares about himself and what makes him feel good. Not in one text has he asked me how i’m doing, how my new job is, wishing me luck in divorce court in 2 weeks!!!
NOTHING!!!!
This shit is just instant gratification, and today is the effects of it. Nothing changes… No idea how I’ll handle the next text.. either ignore, say something back dealing him to F off, etc…
Any suggestions? I don’t want to play the old, I’m so sad it’s over, i need to move on. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. I want to tell him I’m done, don’t bother me ever again!!!!
Let me know your thoughts…
Sheila, Rainey – Ladies, cut the contact!
There is no other way with these guys.
Ah Astelle! You have learnt so much! I am so proud 🙂
Thanks NML, I really have thanks to you.
Will you still be able to answer my questions from March 11th?
Oh yes. It’s one of the posts. I sent you an email earlier so check your mail and let me know your thoughts!
NML… i would like to take a page out of your book.. I just broke 3 weeks of NC last night.. I ignored the text, was very proud of myself. Then he called.. after 3 weeks of not speaking to him, just text messages.. I looked at the phone for about 20 seconds and picked up!!! God,it’s so hard. It was a weird convo, def not the same, no idea why he decided to call me after not speaking to him in 3 weeks… I was upbeat, I was not down, I just have to decide what happens next. I cannot have false hope, but I know in a few days, let’s say this w/e, if I do not hear from him, I’ll be down and out. I think at that point I will be pissed off and leave him behind and move on. Seems nothing changes except my hopes from high to low.. I can deal with not contacting
him, that is not the hard part, it’s ignoring the texts and not picking up that phone last night.. God, it’s like getting over a drug!!!!
Any input will be helpful…
Thanks, girls
I had no contact for about 3 weeks. Then he called. I did not answer. Then 3 weeks later he showed up on my door and I let him in. We were together for a couple of more weeks and I told him things had to be different. He just ended it with me because he was feeling an overall sense of guilt. He said that I was a good person and he felt he was leading me down the wrong path. I am so heart broken. I miss him already and I wonder if there will be an ounce of him that misses me. Ughh this is terrible. My advice to you is to change your phone number. I will probably do the same. So that one day if he is no longer feeling guilty he can’t contact me.
Hi everyone. OMG this site is the absolute BEST!!! Please I need all the advice I can get! It’s been about 3 weeks since Ive had NC w my EUM. We were together for 1.5yrs. Crazy thing is we met @ work but I had a boyfriend who is from the UK. While he tried to get w me KNOWING I had a man I did everything to avoid him and treat him as a colleague. Unfortunately 1 yr later my boyfriend moved back to London 🙁 and I fell victim to my EUM’s charm. At first he was attentive and charming. And the crazy part was I was sooooooo not attracted to him in the beginning-eeeeeewwww-not my type @ all. But boy does this man have swagger!!! Before I knew it we were having drinks after work, dinner date here and there,eventually it became sexual. I was worried bc I suspected he was a playa but I still stayed w him. I also dated other men. (not bc i wanted to but bc he was always absent) Anyway it got to the point where we would get into heated arguments bc of the other guys i dated and i would get upset w him for constantly lying to me about having a girlfriend. ( i always suspected he was still seeing an ex bc he was so secretive about their r’ship). One nite I hacked into his Blackberry and saw messeges btwn him and another woman telling her he loves her and she saying the same. It sounded like they had history bc the other woman made references to seeing his parents- so I knew this other woman was something more than a fling. Of course he said she was just a friend and I accepted it. (STUPID ME) Also he would always show up @ my apartment after 10 or 11pm, and leave @ 5am to go home and go to work. He had a pattern, 2-3nites a week he would come over but I would hardly ever get to be with him on Fri, Sat, Sun. And yes since we work together we would go to lunch or take Starbucks runs together, constantly Im’ng, txtng, etc…it then got to the point where i wanted more so i started seeing my UK ex again. I live in NYC and my ex would come and visit and stay @ my place-thats when my EUM would flip the f*ck out! But what I dont understand is if he didnt want to give me what I want, why continue to pursue me????? Why didnt he let me go when i left him???? I continued to date my ex, and other guys but my EUM was the ONLY guy I was sleeping with. He played so many head games with me, telling me he loved me, introducing me as his ‘wifey’ to his boys, saying he wantes to get me pregnant-wild things!!! Crazy part was HE was the one practically begging me to give US a label-he wanted me to refer to him as my boyfriend and I was the one who refused to do the label thing bc tho he was saying the right things, his actions were different. Where was he when I was txtng him, calling him on fri, sat, sun??? Cmon I wasnt stupid, Ive had my share of experience ya know?? I wont lie I love him, and we broke up many times in the 16months-but we always came back to each other. Its now been 3weeks since I saw him…Its hard bc we didnt really have a break up…Last I saw him I took him out to dinner for his Bday…he later emailed me in the day thanking me for lunch and telling me he loved me.
I then asked him if he was coming over later on in the evening he said yes he will see me @ 11pm that nite-his usual.. He never showed up that nite, I txt him like a mad woman asking where he was, but he never answered…the next morning, I txt him again ,asking his where abouts and telling him how much he hurt me (pathetic i know) 3 weeks later I still have not gotten an answer from him. This is the longest we ever have gone w NC. I REFUSE to contact him. The next day I saw him walking away from my cubicle as i was coming out of the kitchen…he turned around and we made eye contact, i then walked in the opposite direction.. I KNEW he was coming by to give me a pathetic sob excuse like he always does…i couldnt take it anymore. That saturday I got a missed call from him w a voicemail @ 2am. I heard the VM and it sounded like he was in a club-loud music but yet he didnt speak on the mssg. I was left wondering- did he do that on purpose so that I can know he was in a club and moved on?? Did he dial my # by accident???? Why call me and not say anything???? Or did he do it just so that he can put himself back on my radar?? This was all 3weeks ago. I dont know if I will ever hear from him again. Tho we work in the same company, we work on different floors and our company has 300+ employees. I know we will run into each other and that worries me. I went on a job interview today-I hope i get it. Its been extremely hard not contacting him but the way I look @ it this is a short term pain, compared to the heartache and longterm pain I faced with him. Thank you all I appreciate it. I need the strength. I am getting better little by little….this man was my heroin and now Im in detox-thats how it feels…Any advice, words of encouragement, answers to my questions???
3weeks n surviving,
GiaNYC
thanks a lot sheila, astelle…i am really glad tht there r people who finally understand wht im going thru…same here sheila, i am going thru a divorce and my ex husband is giving me tough time but my MM is no where around to support me….if he cant even b a loyal friend in my time of need, then what’s his purpose in my life? i keep telling myself this over and over again and trying my best to forget him…but i still miss him…and like every other woman, i keep thinking the same thing tht if he thinks about me even once in all day or is he so busy and happy with his family and kids tht even my thoughts dont exist for him anymore…he was the one who chased me and i was going thru a tough breakup when we met and i shared all my hurts and troubles of my married life and how miserable i was…he was the one who consoled me, and always tried to advice me and gradually we got involved…though i kept telling him i dont want it as he was comitted and i dont want to ruin his life..mine was already destroyed….but now tht my case is finally in the court, he just disappeared….i feel he backed off coz he is afraid tht ill hang around his neck like a noose once my case is official….i had warned him and refused him so many times telling him we have no future and not to think about me in those terms..but he had been so adamant and so forceful and stubborn….and now, he just left me, ditched me….and i miss him so much….we could have atleast remained good friends, but he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore……im trying to be aloof, and im planning to travel to distract myself….wish me luck girls…………and thnks a lot everyone……..!
Hey girls- I’m so sorry that I’ve been out of contact with you. I was away on business. Business with some friends thrown in. Girls, I have learned in the past two weeks that you need to get out of your houses and go do something fun with girlfriends!! Two of my girlfriends and I were in Chicago for business but we went out every night. We didn’t go out looking for men, we went to have a few drinks and laugh. Men came to us- some creepy, some trying to pick us up and some just guys who wanted to laugh with us. Let me tell you, I feel SOOOO goood about myself right now. A little ego boost is a wonderful thing. Both of my friends are married and I’m a quiet person out of my comfort zone. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone which is, I realize, these EUMs. I actually introduced myself ( a first time for me ever at 43 years old) to a guy sitting next to me and we talked and laughed for 2 hours!! I saw him the next night also and now I’m going back to visit him in 2 weeks!! First, he’s nobody I would ever picture myself with for the rest of my life, he’s tototally oppposite from what I had but we had fun and we laughed!! Neither one of us is looking for anything. And if we stay friends the rest of our lives, even better. Girls, find a distraction, find a transition guy, someone to have fun with. It does wonders. Girls there is fun and laughter after these men. It was so refreshing to talk to someone without any games. He’s knows my situation and he just got out of a relationship, too so we have lots in common. But we hardly talked about that. He was nice, funny, wasn’t trying to grope me, wasn’t promising me the moon(we all have had that), wasn’t promising me anything – we just talked. When I first got to Chicago, I was checking to see if my EUM was online and by the end of the trip, I wasn’t even bothering. The first step is to get your self esteem back!! I don’t care how you do it. Join an online dating site and chat with men. Having ONE guy tell you that you are pretty is worth more than you will imagine. And go do things that you don’t normally do. I don’t go to bars where I live , I certainly NEVER initiated a conversation with a guy before , I never gave my phone number to someone let alone ask him if I could come back and visit. My friends and family are totally SHOCKED- that’s so not me. But it feels GREAT. What do you have to lose at this point?? If this guy would have told me that he didn’t want me to come back to Chicago, would that rejection have been worse than what I have been going through?? Uh, not even on the same planet. My girlfriend asked me what if my EUM would call in the next couple of weeks?? So what if he does?? I have no intention of having contact. I now see how badly I let him treat me and alot of it is because at least you know what you have. Any of you are looking for a GREAT book – Men Who Can’t Love. I am almost done with it and it is these commitment phobe guys to a tee. I’ve been chuckling reading it. We all derserve better. Sheila- I know that feeling – the rollercoaster. That’s what keeps me NC when I feel like texting or calling. The known disappointment that will happen. I know after all these years he will still disappoint me – it isn’t going to change. I never want to feel that dread again with him. I will try to call you this weekend and I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch. Hang in there.
gosh, where do I start with my worldwind w/e where I just totally lost all my hard work.. I had been in contact alot with my EUM last week.. via texts and one lengthy phone call. Friday night came and nothing except random texts.. Saturday came and I was down and out.. so down and out!!!! Here we go again.. thinking something will change and it doesn’t.. The lows have hit and it’s bad.. I decide at about 4pm, I’m going to change phone plans so I can block his number and texts as well as block myself from calling.. Yes, girls AT & T has this feature, so i switched phone plans.. I have already changed my number, btw.. that was not an option.. I did it, I got the new plan, and paid to get out of my old contract. I figured, since I’m not strong enough to not pick up, text back, etc.. I’ll use some outside help. I could not go about blocking his # til 24hr after my service started, which put me into Sunday night. I get a late text on Saturday night, and respond on Sunday morning. This leads to other texts and eventually leads me to ask him to coffee. He says, “sure”.. I shower and call him, he says let’s meet at my place and walk down city. I say, “ok”.. I get to his house, it was not awkward at all, which was weird. We walk down and have coffee, then he wants to eat. We walk back to his place and decide where to get lunch, but not before we end up in bed, as he is chomping at the bit, when I’m there, and I know it… After our romp, we go and get lunch and spend most of the day together. I leave about 4ish, and text him “great time today, thx for lunch”. He responds.. He then calls a while later to make sure i got his return text, as my new plan does not let him know whether texts go thru or not. I tell him, yes…
Where am I now? High on life thinking something will change.. and thinking not to get caught up in it, b/c he’s not..
Stay tuned for my downslide.. It’s coming.. All this, after I changed my phone plan to block him.. Seriously.. what is wrong with me????
Wow Sheila!! I read ur story from the beginning and I sooooo know how you’re feeling. Its like a page outta my life. Ive be in NC w my EUM for 4weeks now. The bastard called me yesterday morning but I REFUSE to answer his calls…hes called 3times since we split 5weeks ago. He doesnt txt or leave voicemails which leaves me confused until Cheekie mentioned that he’s ‘fishing’ meaning he wont leave a vm bc he cant tell if Im happy to hear from him or not. I wanted to call him today or even txt him saying “hey i saw u called me yesterday” but I HATE handing him over the power to my happiness and i know once i dial his # im giving power back to him. I hope it works out for you. Stay occupied but dont focus on him. Ive been there before…after fantastic sex being on a high for a couple of days and then BOOM he acts up again and im back to stage one…sounds like this dude is your drug…my EUM was like heroin for me and the first wk w/o NC i was in a painful brutal detox…yes I feel like relapsing at times I hope to stay strong…Hang in there and please keep us updated!!!
well, I saw him again last night.. no sx..just dinner before he left for business for the week. It was fine, but the unknown kills me. I was great up until I got home last night and spiraled downward very quickly!!!!! I find that night time is very hard and mornings before you get out of bed are very hard. Yes, I obsess about it.. My friends must be so sick of hearing it and by now must think I make my bed by replying to him etc… Which is where the blocked calls with come in.. He is away til Sunday. I cannot do anything while he is not here, but I do have a plan. I know things will not changed, but very curious the contact he plans on making while he is away.. Either way.. I go to divorce court a week from today.. When i walk out of there next week, I have decided that I am also walking on my EUM. Yes, I guess I could block him today but i’m curious, but have no expectations. I will not, I repeat will not, have that convo with him, “what’s going on with us”.. pathetic, needy and will suck the last of my self respect. I’d rather just leave him and this situation cold turkey. I’m sure it will be a long week, it’s already been a long long night..
Gia, I know it’s like de tox, but they say it gets easier if you do it the right way. Last night was so bad for me b/c I started analyzing everything . A few weeks back when the NC was in full swing, I thought about him, but knew I wasn’t talking to him. Totally different. The books, therapists, friends, and other people, are correct. NO CONTACT.
Keep posting!!!
Sheila, your last posting has given me strength not to contact my EUM. I was tempted to call or txt this morning but after reading this posting I wont do it!!! This always happens when he contacts me!!!! I hate it!!!!!!! But reading the highs n low feeling that ure experiencing reminds me of the painful memories. And those same exact feelings I felt. I believe he will contact you while he is away but I dont see anything ever changing with him. With these EUM they will keep you like this for years n years-its comfortable to them. Whats NOT comfortable is NC. They NEED to know you want them, desire them, need to hear from them. I did NC cold turkey w my EUM. He doesnt know if im alive or dead..(he knows im alive bc my cell is still on w vm lol) But I went from constantly txtng, calling him to not ever calling or txtng him again (he pulled one of his usuals- not coming over when he said he would moves) After not coming over, nor calling me to tell me he wasnt coming over, I decided that was it IM DONE and I cold turkeyed NC’d him. NOW he’s the one looking for me. It’s all ego for them, they need reassurance. My advice is to cold Turkey him on YOUR terms-do it before he does it for good. Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I know that unknown feeling oh so well…it got to the point where my whole life,wknds, revolved around him and all for nothing bc in the end he would never show up or stick to the plans we had. We are so better off w/o them.. My advice cold turkey him while hes away!!! Keep us posted..
Arrrgggghhhh I want to contact my EUM!!! Someone help me stay strong!! I wish he didnt call me on Sunday!!!
GiaNYC, don’t contact him!! Read your advise to Sheila and follow it. It will get better and easier, I promise. For me cutting contact gave me piece, no more checking my phone or e-mail
constantly.
Don’t do it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Astelle-it was momentary!!! But gosh its so over powering!!! I needed that 🙂
I didnt do it!!!!
Good, go to bed, watch TV, chocolate….
Lol cant!!! I live in NYC its smack in the middle of the day and Im @ work!!!! Tho I did have M&m’s lol
Sorry, I looked at the time of your post at it said 9:27 PM and now I realized there is a 6 hours time difference to the wbsite.
Enjoy your M&M”s 🙂
Hey Girls! I was reading all the posts and everyone is so RIGHT. We are so better off without them. We deserve to be treated better than that. Would you treat a girlfriend that way?? I wouldn’t. I am 4-1/2 weeks NC and I feel so much better. I still think about him often but I DON’T even WANT to hear from him now. There is NOTHING he can say at this point that would persuade me to go back to that. They should have treated us better when they had us!! What if you only got one chance in life- what if we didn’t allow chance after chance?? And GiaNYC- you’re completely correct- don’t give them that power. I have also disappeared off the face of the earth to him and his family. Let them all wonder what happened to me. I don’t want to know what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with. I got sooooo tired of feeling depressed and crying and hurt, that I couldn’t do it anymore. I am a pretty optimistic person, I like to laugh and have a good time and I couldn’t stand the way I felt. HE is not in charge of my happiness. Shelia, bet he disappears when you sign your divorce papers. Mine totally changed when I was available. It was the beginning of the end. It took 4 years and 4 break ups to get to this point and now I realize that I was putting everything into it and what was I getting?? “I don’t know” – that was his famous answer for every question. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was to date him until now. If he doesn’t (or chooses because it’s all their choice) not to love me the way I loved him then I deserve someone who will. Why do we want to be with someone who doesn’t have enough respect or love for us to treat us better?? You shouldn’t need “breaks” or break ups or other women to decide that you love me or miss me. So, you have to break my heart into a million pieces to realize that you love me?? I don’t think so. I didn’t have to do that to him. And where are all these men while we’re crying ourselves to sleep every night?? Where are they when we call them crying?? Where are they when we feel like the ugliest, most worthless girls in the world?? They certainly aren’t there to make us feel better. In fact, they are the ones who stole our self esteems while we continue to stroke their egos by contacting them or letting them know we are still “waiting”. Be strong- call friends, write in a journal, read a book, start a project around your home, whatever you can to get your mind off of him. I have done so many projects that I have put off for years. I typed and organized all my recipes- something I have been wanting to do for years. Stupid but it helped. Hang in there everyone, it will get better. But everytime you have contact, it is back to square one.
Hi girls.. contact does put you back to square one.. ask me I should know.. I have heard from my EUM since he’s been away.. Yesterday when he called it was actually normal again.. No expectations though.. I will wait the week out and see how this plays out.. He will not be home til Sunday.. On another note, I had a conversation with my div atty yesterday, who is also a friend of a friend. He is brutally honest about his own life and others, it’s almost refreshing. He knows my EUM, thru friends, and called him, “self-absorbed, selfish, into material things, image, and not a real person”.. That made me feel better. I called my atty to discuss my EUM with him, b/c I knew he’d give it to me straight, which he did. One point was.. “he’s still married, you’re chasing a married man”, “why do you even want him back?”, “you’re too real for him, and you can get way better”. He has been thru the ringer as well, is on his 2nd marriage with a girl he had an affair with, so alot of this stuff hit close to home. He suggested a letter.. and SENDING IT. I said, “what do i put”, and he said, “everything you’ve been ranting about to me the past half hour.. he’s selfish, self-absorbed, a hypocrite”.. tell him.. he needs to hear that, he got off too easy by you and him still being friends or whatever you are calling it. He said put it in a letter, send it, and block his number and be done with it. He noted the lack of respect he must have for me for cont to contact me after i asked him not to, for sending pix and texts that pull on my heart strings, etc..
He also told me to be prepared that after the letter, that’s it.. unless he’s a different breed, he will leave you alone and be pissed at the things you’ve said to him.. He asked me several times..”aren’t you mad yet?”..
I can write the letter.. yes. sending it will be the hard part..
any thoughts????
Write that letter, send it or not, I believe with this guy the outcome would be the same.
He doesn’t care what you think or feel, it is all about him.
Listen to what your attorney said, he is not a real person, has no respect for you and NEVER will.
Cut the contact for your own sake. Ignore him.
Hard to say Sheila…sounds like in writing the letter you will be beating a dead horse. What more can you say that he doesnt already know??? In my opinion in writing the letter you run the risk of sounding whiney and complaining. Your EUM knows all this already and right now he’s just thinking he’s got you where he wants you just off the fact that you guys are now in contact and sleeping together again. If you really want to be with him then it sounds like it will only be under his terms-are you prepared for that? I say no letter, and just start a STRICT NC again. Unfortunately you are back to square 1 but you can still redeem yourself.. The past 2days ive been so tempted to contact my EUM (he called me this past sunday but left no mssgs) but i havent-yet. The crazy part ladies is that I went out on Saturday and met a nice guy and just found out yesterday that he’s MARRIED w one child!!!!! This man is now stalking me via txt mssgs BEGGING me to go out to dinner w him!!!! My life is one big soap opera lol
Astelle,
You’re 110pct right!!!!
you guys kill me.. I’m laughing over here.. esp at Gia’s married man that is stalking her.. WTF!!!!
You guys are both right.. but I have to say my reluctancy is sounding whiney and pathetic as Gia said.. I have a plan..
I go to divorce court on Tuesday. I have a huge feeling I will leave there and feel maybe a little differently bout this EUM nonsense, I could be wrong, just a hunch. At that point, unless God walks on water and things change, I will put the NC into full swing with the restricted calls, texts, etc.. If and only if, he contacts me say, via email, I will then blast him with my letter or email at that time. That way he is inquiring why I have not answered him or contacted him and it’s the perfect opportunity to tell him why and what I think about him and the situation. I would like to go about this the right way.. and not look needy and whiney, but will have the opport. if he opens that door as to why I’ve gone radio silent on him. Maybe he won’t inquire and will finally walk away and leave me be.. If that’s the case, no letter. I think cutting him off at the knees w/o an explanation, fight or convo, speaks volumes such as “i’m done with this bs”.
god bless america.. thanks girls.. keep posting…
and Gia… please fill me in on what your new stalker has to say about his marriage.. Let me guess.. “he’s unhappy, doesn’t love her, blah, blah, blah”…
Oh gosh this other guy I just met on Saturday..something about him made my “he’s got a girl or wife” radar go off. So yesterday I asked him what his story is via text. Married? kids? profession? etc, etc. Sure enough he comes back with 1kid and im married BUT lets talk about it! WTF!!!!! No way!!!! Since then he’s been texting me non stop!!!! You would think i was continuing a conversation with him but the truth is Im ignoring most if not ALL his txts. He tells me his wife argues too much with him and is too independent, blah, blah blah. Since yesterday he has text me @ least 40times BEGGING me to see him. To go on @ least ONE date so he can explain his life. Now WHY would I knowingly go into such a destructive relationship when Im still healing from the current one with my EUM???!!! He’s insane!!!! I am a goregous, smart 20smthng SINGLE woman living in NYC why would i tie myself down to a married man????!!!! So far hes txt me 2times today- I hope he gets the hint. On another note IM SO TEMPTED TO TXT MY EUM!!!! SOMEONE,ANYONE TELL ME NOT TO PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! I THINK TONITE MAYBE THE NITE I BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHH!!!
Do you think he knows what hes doing by calling me and NOT leaving me any voicemails??? Nor is he texting me either BUT why call me if he’s not going to leave a voicemail???? Thats the part that is driving me NUTS!!!!!!!!!!! Say something if you’re going to call!!!! This has been the longest that we’ve gone w NC (4.5 wks).
Could it be he’s simply trying to make himself appear back in my radar??? Another thing we work in the same company-he’s one floor down from me. IF he really wanted to spk to me he could call my ext and say “lets me @ Starbucks like we used to do”. But yet he waits till the wknds or @ nite to call me but doesnt say a word!!! Can someone please explain why he does this to me???!!!
Gia.. I am laughing over here.. this is too god damn funny…Who texts anyone 40 times.. I think you have a total whack job on your hands.. STAY AWAY FROM HIM.. Married with a kid and pursuing you.. DEAD END..
What is the EUM texting? I blog with a ton of people on this website.. give me the rundown on your situation again, so i can assess… I do remember you saying he made plans and just didn’t show up.. Is he married?
Gina, I couldn’t help but notice your comments coming through. I am begging you not to get drawn into these pathetic games. Your NC is a spineless sh*t. The reason why he calls but doesn’t leave a message – he doesn’t want to lose, he’s just f*cking with your mind and making sure he is in your subconscious!
Oh and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, get involved with a guy that goes on pester mode. It is sooooooo inappropriate for someone you hardly know to go into this texting frenzy. He’s married!
don’t pick up.. dont’ do anything except what you’re doing.. IT’S KILLING HIM.. I LOVE IT..
Sheila: hope you have time… this is my story I posted on the Addiction Blog:
Hi everyone. OMG this site is the absolute BEST!!! Please I need all the advice I can get! It’s been about 3 weeks since Ive had NC w my EUM. We were together for 1.5yrs. Crazy thing is we met @ work but I had a boyfriend who is from the UK. While he tried to get w me KNOWING I had a man I did everything to avoid him and treat him as a colleague. Unfortunately 1 yr later my boyfriend moved back to London and I fell victim to my EUM’s charm. At first he was attentive and charming. And the crazy part was I was sooooooo not attracted to him in the beginning-eeeeeewwww-not my type @ all. But boy does this man have swagger!!! Before I knew it we were having drinks after work, dinner date here and there,eventually it became sexual. I was worried bc I suspected he was a playa but I still stayed w him. I also dated other men. (not bc i wanted to but bc he was always absent) Anyway it got to the point where we would get into heated arguments bc of the other guys i dated and i would get upset w him for constantly lying to me about having a girlfriend. ( i always suspected he was still seeing an ex bc he was so secretive about their r’ship). One nite I hacked into his Blackberry and saw messeges btwn him and another woman telling her he loves her and she saying the same. It sounded like they had history bc the other woman made references to seeing his parents- so I knew this other woman was something more than a fling. Of course he said she was just a friend and I accepted it. (STUPID ME) Also he would always show up @ my apartment after 10 or 11pm, and leave @ 5am to go home and go to work. He had a pattern, 2-3nites a week he would come over but I would hardly ever get to be with him on Fri, Sat, Sun. And yes since we work together we would go to lunch or take Starbucks runs together, constantly Im’ng, txtng, etc…it then got to the point where i wanted more so i started seeing my UK ex again. I live in NYC and my ex would come and visit and stay @ my place-thats when my EUM would flip the f*ck out! But what I dont understand is if he didnt want to give me what I want, why continue to pursue me????? Why didnt he let me go when i left him???? I continued to date my ex, and other guys but my EUM was the ONLY guy I was sleeping with. He played so many head games with me, telling me he loved me, introducing me as his ‘wifey’ to his boys, saying he wantes to get me pregnant-wild things!!! Crazy part was HE was the one practically begging me to give US a label-he wanted me to refer to him as my boyfriend and I was the one who refused to do the label thing bc tho he was saying the right things, his actions were different. Where was he when I was txtng him, calling him on fri, sat, sun??? Cmon I wasnt stupid, Ive had my share of experience ya know?? I wont lie I love him, and we broke up many times in the 16months-but we always came back to each other. Its now been 3weeks since I saw him…Its hard bc we didnt really have a break up…Last I saw him I took him out to dinner for his Bday…he later emailed me in the day thanking me for lunch and telling me he loved me.
I then asked him if he was coming over later on in the evening he said yes he will see me @ 11pm that nite-his usual.. He never showed up that nite, I txt him like a mad woman asking where he was, but he never answered…the next morning, I txt him again ,asking his where abouts and telling him how much he hurt me (pathetic i know) 3 weeks later I still have not gotten an answer from him. This is the longest we ever have gone w NC. I REFUSE to contact him. The next day I saw him walking away from my cubicle as i was coming out of the kitchen…he turned around and we made eye contact, i then walked in the opposite direction.. I KNEW he was coming by to give me a pathetic sob excuse like he always does…i couldnt take it anymore. That saturday I got a missed call from him w a voicemail @ 2am. I heard the VM and it sounded like he was in a club-loud music but yet he didnt speak on the mssg. I was left wondering- did he do that on purpose so that I can know he was in a club and moved on?? Did he dial my # by accident???? Why call me and not say anything???? Or did he do it just so that he can put himself back on my radar?? This was all 3weeks ago. I dont know if I will ever hear from him again. Tho we work in the same company, we work on different floors and our company has 300+ employees. I know we will run into each other and that worries me. I went on a job interview today-I hope i get it. Its been extremely hard not contacting him but the way I look @ it this is a short term pain, compared to the heartache and longterm pain I faced with him. Thank you all I appreciate it. I need the strength. I am getting better little by little….this man was my heroin and now Im in detox-thats how it feels…Any advice, words of encouragement, answers to my questions???
3weeks n surviving,
Now since this posting 2 weeks have passed and he just called me again this sunday @ 10am..like I said no voicemail-he just calls waits till it gets to VM then hangs up..Ughh I hate it…I know the ball is in my court but I still hate feeling this way..And i know if I txt or call he wins-please keep me strong..
As for married man-UGHHHH he’s not even a thought-NOT AN OPTION!!!!! Especially after reading all the MM blogs-NO WAY!
Gia.. i have read your posting at one point.. How could i forget the guy who was supposed to show, didn’t, then never responded at all.. All the more reason to ignore him.. What could possibly say to you right now.. It’s been over 3 weeks.. He could have gotten out of that with a text message to you, but didn’t.. Even texting is the cowardly way out.. Does he email you at work? How do you avoid him during the day? What you are doing is perfect… dont’ give in.. no way.. and if you were to? what would you say? he blew you off 3 weeks ago.. don’t give him the time of day.. as far as the blackberry and the i love you’s.. my god.. he is probably married or a serious gf… Friends do not say “i love you”.. sorry.. Funny thing, my EUM wife read his texts before he moved out and said the same thing.. He replied with “we’re friends”.. I said to my EUM.. did she believe you that we’re friends and you text me , ‘i love you’.. OMG… I guess you believe what you want to believe.. He freaks out when you move on ? He wont commit.. is he a fool? Tell him to get his head out of his ass..jeezzzzzzzzzzz.. I know how the habits are so hard to kick , like the starbucks runs.. I went to the grocery store last night for about the 2nd time since my break up.. it was hard. We used to food shop all the time togehter and make plans for what he would cook ( he was very good), and have such fun in the market.
Don’t break all your hard work.. it’s too late at this point.. you have sent him a message loud and clear.. if he wants to reach out, really speak to you, etc.. he will..
Have you ever followed him just to see who he lives with or where he goes? did you ever spend nights at his house?
Gia, go and get your M&M ‘s right now (leave the blue ones for me, please) and I am on my way to take your cell phone away so you can’t text. 🙂
Yes, he knows what he is doing by not leaving messages, he wants you to answer so he can sweet talk you, kinda hard to do via txt.
Ignore him, indifference is what they can’t stand.
Your stalker is something else, wants another date to explain his wife? Can I come, would love to hear that story. 🙂
LOL.. i would like to come too.. let’s all meet in NYC to hear this one.. WTF…
Thanks Sheila.. I know you are so right. Honestly what can he possibly have to say to me after all this time. The first few weeks of NC my friends and I were convinced that he did have a girlfriend the whole time and I was his ‘fall back’girl. I think what happened that nite he didnt show up was he was with his girlfriend (Blackberry girl) and didnt know how to respond back to me and so he just didnt- thinking that I would take him back (I dont blame him since I always took him back) So the next morning he came around my cubicle to do some damage control and saw I wasnt having it. Then after all the days, now weeks that have passed it became more and more difficult for him to explain, so now he’s left to calling me sporadically in hopes i will pick up. I cant bring myself to pick up. Especially if he DID/DOES have a girlfriend all this time we were together….what does he want from me???? Why cant he just let me be and stay with his girlfriend??? I deleted all his info..tho since sunday all i do is look @ the missed call log on my blackberry and stare @ his # with temptation. Sheila, he has not emailed, nor called me @ my ext . Our company is very big so so far no run ins. And YES i have slept over his house 3-4times so i think he doesnt live with anyone..we actually have left to work from his apartment in the morning…If anything its an ex he was on and off with..Now I have this married man on my case!!!! Its so disheartning why do all these attached EUM want me?????? I just want a normal decent man to care for me!!!! I dont want to be a mistress!!
hahahaha Astelle im tempted to hear what married man has to say now!!!! No way!!!!
Hey girls. At least there is alot of laughing going on. I have another laugh for you. The new man I met is nice, sweet, etc. We had tons to talk about and laughed for 2 nights straight. He was open and honest about everything I asked. I met him when I was out of town – he lives in a different state. I happened to have vacation coming up (I was supposed to be with my EUM), so I asked this new guy if I could come visit for a few days ( I offered to get a hotel room, etc we’ve been talking on the phone) . He immediately said yes- sure you can even stay at my place if you’re comfortable with that. When I met him, there were plenty of red commitment phobic flags but I don’t want to marry the man – I’m not even ready for a relationship yet. I just want to have some fun and laugh since it seems like forever since I’ve done that. And it is a great self esteem booster. Well at 5:30 this AM he texts that “we need to talk -6 nights is too much” – he’s having an anxiety attack!! So, I called and said no problem, I was going to come home earlier because I thought it was too long, too, I could still get a hotel, etc. He said 6 nights would be like being married!!! (which he has never been). So, I changed my reservation and asked him to please give me some hotel names near him and I would stay at a hotel for a couple of nights and he said “just come to my place Friday night – it will be fine”. My head is spinning. I should be the nervous one going out of state to see man I hardly know. And we women get the bad names. I told him on the phone and emailed him that trust me I don’t want to marry him or move in with him or even be his girlfriend!! I just wanted to get away and have some laughs. I THINK THEY ARE ALL CRAZY. All I could do was laugh. I immediately wanted to contact my EUM because at least I knew what I had , that comfort zone, but I didn’t. I have heard from MEN that the only way to really hurt a guy is to never have contact with him again. Sheila, write the letter but don’t send it. Either he knows he’s a bastard and doesn’t want to change or he won’t believe that he is. I told my EUM plenty of times what he was- I wrote letters to him, emails, texts, face to face with tears rolling down my face, screaming, every way possible. And in 4 1/2 years, he never saw it or if he did he didn’t care enough to change. And I know I wasn’t the only girl to tell him that. I think it justs strokes their egos even more. “Look how much this girl loves me” Any attention, even negative, is attention to them. That’s why abused children will often misbehave because getting beaten is the only attention they get from a parent. GiaNYC- my EUM did the same thing. I was his fall back girl and he was keeping me around in case he didn’t catch the new girl he was chasing. He caught her but “didn’t know how to tell” me. I don’t think he was EVER going to tell me- he just got caught and I haven’t spoken to him since. He appears online at times that I’m on but he can’t see me. I may have taken him back 3 times and ate alot of sh*t but that was finally my wake up call. Life does go on without him. Sometimes it sucks but it goes on. When I was in Chicago a few weeks ago, I was AMAZED at the number of married men that tried to pick up my girlfriends and I. I know it happens all the time but it amazed me how many!!Nooo I’m staying away from that, too. Will keep you updated on the new Mr. Anxiety. I’m sure it will be an adventure. Keep laughing!!!
Linda, please, please DON’T go and visit Mr. Anxiety. He is “freaking” out that you want to visit for 6 days and he can’t handle that??
He was open and honest about everything you asked? Sure, why not? He lives in a different state!! He doesn’t have an anxiety attack, he is lying! After all you went thru with the other a@@hole, you will get hurt. Please re-consider, go on a trip with a girlfriend – hell come visit me :),
don’t go see him. Think about it, YOU are making the effort to see him, not HIM, that should tell you something.
You said you noticed red flags about him, use this these red flags and RUN.
Think about it when you asked him if you could come and visit him, he said sure, what else could he say at that moment? He thought it about later and txt you – not called – to tell you 6 days are too long, can’t handle. He rejected you right there and then.
If you can’t go on vacation with somebody else or by yourself, how about “we” take that money and get some new furniture, clothes, Make -up or anything else you thought about getting but haven’t yet?
After reading your postings I don’t want you to get hurt again.
I understand what you are going thru, just read my story, but I promised myself never again and I want the same for you!
Why not cancel the trip to Mr. Anxiety for now and see how he will act over the next few weeks, like making contact with you, planning to see YOU and so on.
I hope my contact won’t upset you, I realize it is always easier looking into somebody’s elses situation than your own.
Sheila, I have read your postings and I have a question: he is separated but not divorced?
Wondering if you can give me more details on this, I know different states have different divorce laws, I also would like to know, did he move out or did she MAKE him move out?
Also, why is she not filing for divorce?
Why is he not filing for divorce?
I think, she is not filing because she wants him back – just a guess, I have no clue.
I read somewhere that 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman – I had to or my ex husband would still be sitting on my couch. 🙂
I guess what I am getting at is, his wife thinks that you and him are “friends”, right?
Here is what I feel, I have no clue, just a feeling, OK.? The wife is still falling for him the same way you are. Reason I am saying that is, my ex husband still thinks we are “friends”, can’t stand it when I ignore him – I have to ignore him since it took me so long to learn about EUM’s and control and manipulation. I now understand – even so friends and family were beating this into me for YEARS, I let my ex-husband – not anymore – still be controlling me. So, after the divorce I met Mr. “Wonderful” and guess what,
Astelle is so nice, sweet and sooo easy and you know how that story ended…
I believe that the controlling and manipulating is what gets them off, not the Sex.
This also means, we have to take control of our lives, we have to or the next EUM is just around the corner..
I want all of us Ladies on this website to be fine, moving on and really finding happiness. We are good Ladies and we all deserve it!! We can do it one day at a time, setbacks like contacting “him”
are O.K. ,we can still get there.
Astelle.. brief rundown…
He was married for 11 years.. i have known him for the last 5.. his marriage was a farse.. no kids.. he cheated, they had no relationship at all, but stayed married. He has been talking about leaving her since about 2004, blah, blah, blah.. Finally, last April, we got really close and started an affair ( i was also married, i’m going to court on Tuesday).. We decided we were going to be together. I found his apt, we bought furuniture together, furnised the whole thing.. he wanted a place that i wanted to live in..that’s all he cared about.. He signed and moved out in July. I was def the push he finally needed. After he moved out, he was chomping at the bit for me to pull the plug.. and i quote..”i can’t share you, you have to decide or I’m moving on”.. I pulled the plug the end of July, and moved in with him (that was the plan).. I told my husband, my family, etc.. yes, i looked ridiculous, but I was honest. I lived with him for 2 months and it was fine, we had a great summer on his boat, going on trips etc. His mom was coming to visit the end of Sept. and she didn’t react as he thought about me…he told her he was thinking of having me move in, meanwhile i was there.. We both decided I should move, so I did, but only a block away, but basically still lived with him. He travels alot and I was there all the time. His apt was much nicer than mine and it was “our home” at that point. Then the wife found out where he lived..she popped by one day. I wasn’t there, but he freaked out. Then she saw us walking in the city one day, etc.. etc.. He was always looking over his shoulder..(her best friend lived very close also, so he was concerned she was in the neighborhood alot too).. It was BS and moreBS…I could handle it for the first few months, but after 6 months, it was getting old. It’s like he couldn’t let go of his old life, but his old life was his wife ( if that’s what you call her ), was him cheating and acting like he wasn’t married. How do you figure? Hypocritical huh?
I finally had a convo with him and he told me he could not tell me when he was getting divorced…
Why didn’t she file? She’s too stubborn, they both are, it’s a big competition, that’s why. She told her over and over again, we were friends… there is no way she bought that. NO WAY~~~
He could easily stay separated for years.. The only thing that may move him along is buying a house or condo for himself, he won’t continue to rent. I think he misses his old life, his dog, her nieces, etc.. Her? No.. I think he loves her but it’s long over, she is bitter, and has been due to things that went down in the 11 years of marriage. I’m not even sure she wants him back either.. There are rumors she may be gay with her best friend. Not sure if that’s true..
sorry for the long story..
Linda.. tell Mr. Chicago to grab a xanax and get a F life!!! Are you kidding me? Anxiety…
Anxiety about a chick coming to visit you for 6 days and having fun?
And of course it’s always via text.. A friend of mine got the boot via text.. I fcking love it..
I would re-evalutate the situation about Chicago..
I have an idea girls.. let’s plan a girls vacation.. All single, venting about our EUM, and having fun meeting guys.. possibly normal ones!!!
LOL
What a story. So, he was cheating while married that means he will always cheat.
Why did you move out, because his Mom didn’t approve of you?
He is looking over his shoulder because he is also lying to his wife, I bet you he told her, let’s take a break and see how things are going and bla bla. Being married gives him also a shield: I can’t get serious with anybody I am still married.
This man is not taking any responsibility at all.
You realize if YOU don’t walk away this will go on and on…
There is no sign/hope that you could ever have a healthy relationship with this man.
Get your divorce taken care of, enjoy your single life and date other men, see what is out there. I understand the “excitement” with these guys, you never know what he will do next, but actually you do, there is a pattern.
You keep doing the same things with this man but expecting a different outcome each time, will never happen.
Please stop letting this guy use you, you are better than that. Cut the contact!!
Omg Im officially addicted to this site!!!!!!!!! lol
Linda please DONT do it!!!!!!!!! If so soon this guy is having an anxiety attact then stay away!!!! You want to be in the company of someone who wants to be in your company. Besides let HIM come visit you if anything. I hate to admit it but after leaving my EUM ive become the only B*tch!!! Any guy who wants the time of the day with me has to prove himself. Why would you go out there only to be made to feel uncomfortable??? The fact that you’re willing to get on a plane to see him is all he needs to affirm in his mind that you want him. His ego has been fulfilled. My EUM was like that..he would CONSTANTLY ask me if I loved him, how important is he to me?? But now I realized it was all for his ego. Now Im 5weeks cold turkeyNC and Im the strongest Ive ever been..tho I have to admit I almost caved in last nite…
Gia, you came a long way, don’t cave, you know the drill. 🙂
Better being addicted to this site than HIM!
Sheila I almost caved in last nite!!! I drafted the text and all!!!!!! It basically said “your call on sunday was unexpected”. I reread it a bunch of times but could NOT bring myself to hit the send button. I just KNEW if i sent it he would respond in seconds and in his mind he will say “yes im back in the game”. I refused to give him that satisfaction…especially when I know hes feeling it right now since my NC was totally unexpected and HE’S the one trying to contact me now. When we were together he was a texting king NOW he cant even send me one text he’s CALLING instead. I will continue NOT to pick up. Grant it hes only called 3times but still, it gives me strength. Oh but I do miss him..but he’s hurt too much…please ladies help me stay strong!
Thanks Astelle..I’ll try…Oh forgot to mention I have a 2nd interview with another company next wk!!!! My EUM and I work in the same company..im trying to slip out w/o running into him…Girls wish me luck!!!
Sheila have you heard from your EUM?
Gia, great that you have a 2nd interview, hopefully you get it and get away from working with him.
Just keep in mind, there is an EUM in every company, that is why I don’t date in the workplace, too complicated.
Gia… welcome back and good for you for having will power!!!! yes, I’ve heard from him.. He seems to be calling somewhat regularly again, but that could change with the wind.. My deadline with him is my court date on Tuesday.. new slate after that!!!
Astelle.. it’s not that his mom did not approve of me,per say, but of him living with any girl without taking care of his affairs first. Who’s mom would condone that? No one’s.. I did spend tiem with his mom whiles she was here, and it was fine. I’m sure she did not believe we were friends. His sister also came out the end of January for a week.. We chatted alot and I told her the scoop… I guess she absoluetly hates the wife, and told me alot ofthings about my EUM, some she probalby shouldn’t have. I got along with her good and she said to keep in touch, but why bother at this point.. we are broken up.
Astelle, yes he cheated while he was married, in fact made a mockery out of his wife and marriage, and went about town like he was single, banging anything he could ( that’s what i have heard, although i don’t have proof), and he was never, never, never home..
god, I just read what i wrote and if I were you guys.. I’d whack me over the head with a hammer… this is a guy that I’m sweatin and in love with???
He was not committed to his wife, he does not want to commit to me, he wants to commit to himself and will end up very lonely. The most important thing in his life is his job, which is pretty pathetic considering he loves kids and would like a family.
Gia.. good luck with the potential new job!!
Sheila, his sister gave you red flags. He loves kids? Be glad he doesn’t have any, he would not committ to his own kids.
Do you really want to spend your life with him and waste your life? I hope not, step away from him.
Astelle.. I was just re reading your post..
‘You keep doing the same things with this man but expecting a different outcome each time, will never happen.
Please stop letting this guy use you, you are better than that. Cut the contact!!”
and you are so right.. I am sitting here now at work and it’s almost 2pm and I’m wondering when he’s going to call me. I mean yesterday he called me about 4 times and texts me numerous times.. what is going on today? Is he going to go radio silent on me? This is the stressful part..or should I say this is the “low”.. I have no idea what to make about what is going on .. actually, I do.. I keep thinking that things will change, that things will be the same as they were.. Yesterday seemed like they were back to normal.. Now, I’m in panic mode..
GOD, THIS SUCKS..
It takes one click of mouse to block him.. I guess I’m not ready to do it b/c i’m still holding out hope… A friend of mine just called me.. actually the guy who we met thru.. He is still friends with both of us.. He asked me if I blocked him yet.. I said, “no”.. and he said,”why, are you still talking to him?”…
why is it so hard to cut contact? this is terrible…
Let’s see how the rest of the day plays out.. I’ll see that phone ring and i’ll be right back to my drug.. high as a kite..
help!!!!!
Seems like these e-mails back and forth could go on forever….At some point, Sheila, you will have a “defining moment” and you will do what you know you need to do–completely cut contact with this man, move on with your life, and start focusing and caring about YOU. It sounds kind of like you are addicted to two things here–the drama and the man. So, you have a double challenge! Have you read NML’s book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”? I would highly recommend that you read it. It has really helped me a lot. I wish you peace and happiness!
Sheila, I feel for you!!!! My God I know how you’re feeling as that used to be me!!!! Isnt it strange the euphoria you feel when you see his name on your called id, the thumping in your heart, how you lose your breath momentarily when the initial text comes in..the hours @ work seem to drag every second bc you’re not speaking to him. OMG when i was with my EUM working from 9-5 felt like working from 9am-10pm-it dragged!!!! Everytime my phone rang or ext rang I would hope it was him. Then there would be the mornings he left to go to work after we had an amazing nite of passionate sex and holding each other thru the nite and wondering if I will hear from him during the day…man that he had such a power over me. Block him Sheila. Cut him off before he gets to it first. I feel for you…i know too well what you’re experiencing.
Gia.. i can’t believe you’re on 5 weeks.. that’s great.. is it easier.. i feel like i couldn’t do it.. it will be much easier by blocking him b/c there will be no texts/calls… I know that feeling you have after a big night.. I had it Sunday night after we spent the day together, sex, etc.. thenI had it again Monday night after I left him..the unknown is excuriating…
Astelle.. yes, his sister told me some family info that was not good at all.. she told me she was filling me in on their up bringing so I would have more patience for his behavior and actions.. WHAT IS HE THE VICTIM HERE??? How long do you have…. my childhood was not all roses and lollipops either but i’m not fkcing self-absorbed, selfish, fking arrogant, and refusing to take responsibility for any of my actions in life.
Mind you if he knew she had told me this, she said he would never speak to her again.. pretty trusting of a chick you just met huh? Weird too..
Finall over it.. I actually do not like the drama although it may come across like that.. I’m just holding out hope that things will change, I’m still hurt, and I haven’t accepted it’s over. I’m close though.. very close…
Sheila I would be LYING if I said that after 5weeks Im over him. He’s been on my mind everyday!!!! But not like the first few weeks where I was not eating, sleeping. I thought I was going to go insane-LITERALLY!!!! Especially since we work in the same company it made it all the more harder. I had to delete ALL his emails, delete his phone #s, start going to Starbucks alone here @ the office..(tho I started going again with another cute colleague-wasnt doing it on purpose) I hate it bc security in our building where we work asked me yesterday “What ever happened to your tall friend, I never see you guys together anymore, dont tell me you broke up” Argggghhh I wanted to scream bc I am trying to get over him and here this dude goes reminding me of him!! Not to mention we BOTH go to the same nail salon (yes he gets weekly Men manicures). But yes i find it hard to believe that I have not seen him or been in NC for 5wks. Like I said last nite I really thought I was going to break. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I work out a lot so it helps. I want to say I hope he calls you today but a big part of me HOPES he DOESNT!!! that way you have no choice but to block his sorry ass!!! Gosh I feel like your life is apart of mine!!!
Right now it is hard for you to see anything with clear glasses on. Once you rid him from your mind it will all start to make sense..I know after I dumped my EUM it all made sense, him never showing up, the blackberry mssgs, people asking him how his girlfriend was doing (yes ladies right in front of me they would ask him this but he ALWAYS had a story for why they referred to this supposed platonic friend as ‘girlfriend’). i was so weak where he was concerned. Now when I see his missed calls on my phone I get angry and want to tell him off and scream @ him to stay with his girlfriend but I realized that is just as good as talking to him. I truly believe NC is the way to go….especially if you were the one always chasing him..it would be a shock to his system.
Gia. .. maybe we should exchange email addresses.. that might be easier… yes, he just called.. i guess went out last nite in Fl and ripped it up.. threw up when he got home.. I said, “how old are you again?”.. Whatever.. I guess I have a band aid on the situation right now b/c i got my fix.. but I’m still not happy.. I know we’re not back together, and I know when he is finally home next week, nothing will change, unless I make the change. A friend of mine is setting me up with a guy she works with.. maybe that will be the distraction i need. I have just gotten back into running. I love excercise and i’m a big runner, but haven’t done it in months, b/c I can’t when I’m depressed.. Weird huh? Most people go the opposite way and jump into working out. Anyway.. I got back into it on Tuesday and I’m going full speeed.. It does help, takes up time, and makes you feel great..
Unlike the EUM in our life..
Email me… sjbowe@cvs.com .. i can then forward to my personal email..
keep pluggin!!!
I am actually going through a different situation. I had no contact for about 6 weeks. He called three weeks in but I did not talk to him. Then three weeks later he ended up at my door. I let him in and we rekindled things again, but I had more conditions. We talked for about two weeks and the last time i saw him he broke it off with me. Saying he felt overall guilt and that I was such a good person and that he was leading me down the wrong path. I have to say it is so much easier when they cut it off. For me it took all the responsibilty off of my hands and for some reason I could never deny him. I am sad because i did tell him i no longer wanted to talk to him. He said it did not have to be that way and if i changed my mind. Whatever. You guys I am telling you keep up the nc. It is just not worth it anymore. You all want a real partner in your life. At least I do. I want to get married and have a family of my own. These men do not leave their wives. We just continue to hope they do but they don’t. Stay strong.
Sheila- I just emailed you…ozubairu@hotmail.com
Heartbroken @ least yours is not so prideful-he @ least showed up @ ur door!!!! Mine just plays these kiddie games and calls me sporadically hoping i will pick up. But its so true NC is the way to go…
Oh yeah sounds like hes a chicken shit. Breaking it off w u on HIS terms-ughhhh they make me sick!
It’s weird. I never thought that he would do it. I always thought it would be me. I guess I pressured him too much and he realized I was too emotionally invested. This man wants no strings. I just wonder if he will stick to it.
OMG!!! Someone please help!!!! I HATE BLACKBERRYS!!!!! Well this is what happened!!! I was leaving my office and like any other Blackberry user Im an addict and it stays glued to my hand. Well I mistakenly dialed my EUM!!!! Grant it only was 4seconds so im not sure if it rang thru or not. But I was leaving the office with a co-worker and we were talking about going to the gym and all when i looked @ my BB i see the name ‘Asshole’ on the screen and my BB is dialing it. Now I had deleted his # BUT when he called me on Sunday I didnt delete it. So my BB picked it up somehow in one of the logs and dialed it. My girlfriend thinks that it didnt ring thru bc when we looked @ the history it said 4seconds…thats not long enuff for a call to register…what do you guys think???? Also my cell# is ‘Private’ so even if it did register he would see the call as ‘private’ BUT I feel like such an idiot!!!! I usually lock my keypad-I hate that. Now im left to think that the few times HE’s called me were by accident since we BOTH have the same Blackberry…ughhh someone,anyone please give me your 2cents!!!! Here all along Im thinking hes called me bc he misses me BUT it may very well be accident dials…but them 3 times?????
Heartbroken, whats the longest you guys have gone with no contact, not seeing each other, txtng, calling??? I think he will reach for you again..its the only behavior he knows..
Hi girls- I know you are all correct. Mr. Anxiety is out the door. Emailed him “forget it”. I don’t care either way – my life wasn’t going to change whether I went to Chicago or not. I don’t have any feelings for this guy. The total oppposite. I guess that’s why it was so easy. I laughed and had fun – that’s it. If I never heard from him again, I wouldn’t be heartbroken. But you guys are all correct. Unfortunately, things like that make you want to run back to your comfort zone- at least with my EUM I knew what I had!! I know, too, that it wasn’t right. It’s the comfort, that’s all. I HATE “new “realtionships. Give me a old comfortable relationship any day. I don’t know how guys are so attracted to the new thing. But don’t worry, tomorrow is 5 weeks EUM NC for me!!! I had a private missed call today with no message. I only have one girlfriend who comes up private and it wasn’t her. Don’t want to look into that but I always called him “private” when I didn’t think he would answer the phone. Gia- I accidently called my EUM during a panic attack 1 week after our final break up. After I realized it, I texted and said I’m sorry accidently dialed your #. He probably didn’t believe me but he does now b/c that was 4 weeks ago and I have fallen off the face of the earth to him and his family since then. Sheila- we have to get you over this pond scum. My EUM’s mother also made excuses for him – he never met the right girl, he’s the middle child, he’s been heartbroken too many times, etc,etc, BS, BS. My mother doesn’t make excuses for me. If I make mistakes in a relationship, she will point out that I was wrong. But reading your post, you do the same thing for him- make excuses. Bottom line, the guys a f*#k. He’s a grown man who could be divorced IF he wanted to be. We all did it. I got divorced – you’re getting divorced. I made excuses for my husband when I was married (and later stopped) and I made excuses for my EUM. No more. It’s NOT a reflection on us. They have the problem. Keep working out, posting – it does get better. I think we all have to kiss a few frogs to get a prince. Thanks to all for the advice.
Gia- the longest we have gone without seeing each other is 6 weeks. We had no contact for 6- he called within three but I did not answer and then he showed up 3 weeks later drunk at my door. We only broke it off once when I initiated the no contact that first time above, but this time it is him feeling guilty because he knows I want more and does not want to lead me down the wrong path. So I am not sure this time if he will be back. I wish I did not care at all.
I did say I was ADDICTED to this blog right????? Well ladies my EUM just called me 10minutes ago!!!! My heart dropped when I saw his # come across my caller ID. I didn’t pick up!!!!! Its been 5weeks and 4phone calls and ladies I have NOT picked up not ONCE!!!! When I saw his # I thought maybe he’s calling me bc he saw my accidental call from earlier but thats impossible bc like i said the call was only 4seconds and my # is private anyway. So a voicemail was left and like before all I hear is music in the background as if he’s in a bar or smthng. Why do this to me???? He doesnt say anything all I hear is music. What do you girls think, is he expecting for me to call back??? This is the 4th time-God im trying to stay strong!!!! I know him too well today is the first 70+degree day in New York City and he’s looking for some loving Im sure on this warm evening. Linda Im soooooo proud of you for ditching Mr. Anxiety!!!! Good for you!!!! Anxiety wouldve been another headache for you! Heartbroken Im certain you will hear from him again..if my story is any indication. These men are all ego maniac pricks that NEED & FEED off our attention. And when they no longer get it they panic. Stay strong-PLEASE I know you can do it!
Gia- you stay strong too! You have done so well. He wanted you to see that he called. So it would peak your interest. Don’t do anything. He is torturing you. What a jerk. STAY STRONG YOU CAN DO IT
hey girls.. wow, are we in the same boat.. yes, I need to pull the plug and pull it hard. I heard from him yesterday, but not last night.. not a huge deal but i’m so sick of the waiting, the anticipation, the mood swings, the highs and lows.. he goes about his life, and i’m waiting on his next move.. FING PATHETIC…
what do you guys think..just block his number asap wo any convo or anything? things won’t change.. I go to divorce ct on tuesday I should be concentrating on that not his nonsense..
heartbroken.. i can’t believe he showed up at your door, then pulled the plug 2 weeks later.. talk about games.. I’m sure you’ve had enough by now..
Linda.. yes, the sister was totally making excuses for how my EUM was.. she told me that she just wanted me to know what went on as a child, so I would understand more.. WHAT?????????????
July will be a year he’s been out of the house.. WTF…
Gia.. it’s not accidental dials either on his part.. trust me on that.. you are stronger than me.. i have not been able to not pick up, so I will need outside help from AT & T… LOL
He wanted to peak my interests???? Well I have to say it worked!!!!!!!!!!! Though it is empowering to know that he is the one looking for me, its also frustrating!!!!!!!!!I hope i dont break!
Gia – STAY STRONG!!! Don’t do it. It is just to keep us hanging around. Think about it. We have probably done it in the past. I used to be available online for him to see me and start a conversation every other time he dumped me. But NO MORE. They have to TRULY believe they have lost us because they have. Let them keep looking like jerks now because we look like strong women. They never have to know that it’s killing us… It cetainly isn’t killing them or they would have done something about it A LONG TIME AGO!!! Sheila, go cold turkey TODAY!! WHy put a date on it?? My EUM and I put a date on our break up. Yes we actually went on vacation together because as he said ” we already had the tickets and we’ll have fun becasue we always have fun”. It was the worst 2 months of my life. It took the final little bit of my self esteem away. Don’t drag anything out. Stop it NOW. Get back on the NC calendar. And you’re right, the dials are not accidental. They know exactly what they are doing. They know us just seeing their phone # will keep us from moving on. Please, we are not that pathetic. We can move on without another man. We can just move on with our lives and eventually someone worth it will come along. Sheila, His sister is an ass, too. Ok we have all had shit growing up. So his shit is so different that he can’t sign divorce papers?? What was he born without hands??Screw him. BE STRONG – YOU ARE STRONG!!!Heartbroken – Stay away from him. My EUM broke up with me 3 – 4 times and always came back – we were even engaged. Get out of there fast. In the long run, he will not be there. First, he shows up drunk?? No enough balls to do it sober?? And then he plays the “oh I don’t want to lead you down the wrong path?” Well if he REALLY cared about you and not leading you down the wrong path, he would leave you alone to find your path!!! He doesn’t care about your happiness. If any of them did, they wouldn’t do what they do. Any of it. Heartbroken, I was SOBBING on the phone to my EUM one night about how hard it was to move on, etc. and TWO nights later he was texting me that he wanted to screw me if he knew it wouldn’t make things worse for me!! Yeah that’s caring about me and my feelings. Stay away. Keep posting
Oh and girls, I read this great line from one of my books “your silence is worth a thousand words.”
I love that quote.. Linda, and I LOVE THIS SITE!!!!! I agree with that quote 100%, it speaks volumes, with no drama, no reasoning, and most importantly no warning!!! I know if someone did it to me.. it would kill me, want to know why, why now, and the unknown would eat at me. And there is no way it’s not eating at these EUM.. assholes.. I’m laughing at you saying, “his sister is an ass too”.. that is funny, and a whole other story for another time.
Gia, ball is in your court baby.. he is sweating!!
I agree.. no time like the present.. by next week I could be into days of NC… I’d like to screw you if it didn’t mess with your head? Seriously..
what the fck!!!!!
keep posting 😉
Ahhhhhhhh you girls are the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!! Linda I too love your quote-it’s sooooooooo true. Especially when they’re used to our drama.
Wheeewww Im glad I havent broken-yet!!!! 5.5wks and still going..barely..Geeeshhh it is Friday after all…wknds are tought!!!
Yeah, when you actually take yourself out of the situation and are somewhat removed from it emotionally, I have to think what in the hell was wrong with me?? I must have been an idiot, too. My EUM’s mother is like yours’ sister- always, to THIS day, has an excuse for him as to why he can’t make a relationship work and of course it’s never his fault. So, if your friends and family can’t point out to you some of your faults, you grow up believing you don’t have any. My EUM bought a house, with me standing there wearing his engagement ring, and never asked me about it!!! His mother had an excuse for that , too!! I actually said to her- I’m sorry , but I don’t believe YOU would have walked into a house and made an offer without discussing it with Pete (her boyfriend at the time). She knew I was right. It’s sad because his sister in law KNOWS (we have talked many times) but she won’t say anything because my EUM provides her and her family with $$$. Not that anyone saying anything would matter b/c I think they really don’t think they believe they have issues. WTF. My girlfriend just asked me last night if I thought my EUM is wondering what happened to me. Of course he is. I don’t care if he has someone else. They are still somewhat human. I have NEVER dropped out of site for this long. Yeah, he has to be thinking. I think it was him that called my phone yesterday blocking his # just to see if it was still my number since he hasn’t seen me online or heard anything from me in 5 weeks!! And he’s made himself quite available online. Too bad. Sheila, start now. Four more days isn’t going to change him. If he wanted to change, he would have started by now and why should any of them change while WE allow their behavior?? They have no reason to change. You guys ever notice the bitches get all the good men?? Maybe it’s time we started……….
Gia, weekends SUCK!! but I am starting to like them again. You live in NY?? I live in northeast Ohio. It would be a short ride for you to come here. Do whatever you have to do not to BREAK.
We could have a conference call later if things get rough. I’m sure all the cell phones have 3 way calling. I know mine does.
I am just about ready to log on and block my EUM number once an for all.. I have not heard from him since yesterday afternoon.. after many phone calls the last 3 days.. suddenly he has fallen off the earth, and I’m stuck here chomping at the bit.. AGAIN… This is such an emotional roller coaster.. I need to stop it and get off…
I need some encouragement.. I’m ready to do it..please tell me it’s the right choice.. He can’t even pick up the phone and call me.. or should I say he doesn’t want to. I’M SO FCKING SICK OF THIS SHT!!!!!
and yes, w/e do suck.. but i shouldn’t talk just yet.. I’ll call it like it is.. It’s been about 2 months since we broke up and the NC hasn’t lasted more than about 6 days.. I also answer the text.. I ALWAYS ANSWER THE TEXT.. So, my w/e have been based on hearing from him or taking that one text and stretching it out over 3 days to make me feel better and think that things will change.. I’m pissed girls.. I’m really pissed..
btw Linda and Gia…. i’m in RI.. let’s plan a get together.. it would be a blast..
Oh ladies we would be so much stronger together! I have a male friend whos an EUM and he was so mean and horrible to this one lady he dated 5yrs ago-she loved him so much….dont you know he told me last week he called her!!! Its been 5yrs since they last spoke and HE CALLED last wk!!!! The nerve of him. Shes thankfully married w a baby-thats the sweetest revenge ladies-moving on!
And it goes to show THEY NEVER FORGET OR MOVE ON!!!
It would be so easy to txt my EUM and have him tonite…hmm its a dreary cloudy day in NYC and Im meeting girlfriends for margaritas..it would be perfect! But wait he will be gone with Saturdays sun……..and ill be left lonely-nah no way!!!
Sheila, DO IT!!!
gone with Saturday’s sun and y0u’ll be back to square one.. LOOK .. that rhymes..
lol it does! what keeps me strong is this wonderful site and his calls….the grass isnt so green is it??? If so why is he calling?? BC ITS NOT! let his current woman see to his needs.
Sheila- BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK!!! Do it now my friend. Get off the emotional rollercoaster. There are days when I still feel sad, in fact, last night I really missed him but it does get better the LONGER there isn’t contact. Then I thought, he was chasing someone else and screwing me- that always makes me strong. You will get to a point that it is actually freeing. I feel like that now. No more trying to get someone to love me in a healthy way. That is exhausting. Make today day 1 of NC!!!! Let’s find a spot that’s in the middle of NY,OH and RI and let’s plan a weekend!! It would be so much fun!! Oh girls, Mr Anxiety must have gotten my email telling him that I am not in love with him and I don’t want to date him – we just met and laughed and had fun together and that is all it was. I told him I didn’t want a relationship with anyone right now and he was a nice distraction from my current situation (which he knows about). I didn’t take vacation just to come and see him, I already had vacation scheduled- I was supposed to be with my EUM and I just thought it would have been fun to hang out and see him perform (he’s a musician) and that was all I was looking for. Of course now he still wants me to come. He left me a message and I haven’t returned his call….. Men- they are all the same- even when you’re just friends. Ignore them and they come running, turning on the charm. It’s all crazy. Sheila- STAY PISSED. It helps in the begininng and don’t answer the texts. That is the p*ssy way out. You are so doing the right thing by getting rid of him once and for all. At this point, my EUM couldn’t even say or do anything that would make me believe he’s changed. The trust and respect is gone……If you go even 8, 9, 10 days with NC, he will not know what hit him. Make that your goal. One day longer than you have ever gone. Trust me if you make it past that, it will get easier and you get stronger. This 5 week NC is now the longest we have ever gone and it has made me stronger and I don’t even have the desire to contact him or hear from him.. DO IT!!!
doing it..
i can’t take this anymore..
DAY 1-
clap,clap,clap, hugs n smiles Sheila!!!!
Gia- his calls aren’t keeping you strong- YOU are keeping yourself strong. Look in the mirror and know you don’t deserve his shit. And remember to truly hurt him is to go on with your life without him and never have contact with him again. And remember about the other woman- you already know what she is getting!!! Trust me, I used to think that he would be in love with the other girl and she would get him to marry her but I realize now that it ain’t gonna happen. I know how he is and nobody will change that. Besides, first if he has changed, why is he still calling you while dating someone else and second, he had a nice girl, you, so why would we think he’s met someone better. And girls, remember, just because we have loved them, doesn’t mean the next girl will think the same way. We feel that everyone will feel the same way about them. Not necessarily true.
YEAH Sheila- good girl. It is the first day of the rest of your nonpathetic life!!!!!
You see Sheila BOTH Linda and I cant be wrong!!!! We are 5weeks into NC and we are fine!!!
I’m so proud of you!!!It’s a huge step and I PROMISE it will get easier and better!!!
Yes, some parts of my life are BETTER without him. It took me about 3-4 weeks to realize that but it’s true
Time will go very slow in the beginning but once you start living again and doing things, he will slowly leave your thoughts!! I only think about my EUM a few times a day now instead of 24/7. I don’t wonder what he’s doing anymore. Doing those things will drive you crazy!! Remember he they don’t care what we’re doing, so why should we?
Linda, has your EUM tried to contact you @ all in the 5wks?
Not that I know of. I have him blocked from email, so if he emails, it automatically deletes. I think he is afraid to at this point because my last words to him were- I got fucked for loving you and wanting to spend time with you- at least we didn’t get married because I guess I’d be at the curb right now and you are someone else’s schmuck now” He’s hates confrontation. So, I’ve never been like this before. I always opened up the door for him to put his foot back in. So, I think he doesn’t know what to do. He has made himself very available online (after being hidden for 6 weeks prior) and that is his usual way of starting converstaion with me when he knows he’s been a dick. I also let his mother and sister in law know that he was f*cking me while he was chasing this new girl. I did it when I was very hurt and I know I probably shouldn’t have but it felt sooo good. Everyone was thinking that he was this great guy – taking a couple months to himself to get over me and then he was starting out new!! Oh how happy !! Well, I let them know that wasn’t true- he screwed me while he was seeing her. So, someone in his family may have told him to leave me alone. And that’s fine. Knowing him (for 14 years now), I will hear from him again. Probably when he gets bored or scared with the new girl. He’s having a great time now, I’m sure. You know guys, something new is appealing to them for awhile. Plus, I don’t know how many times you have all been through this with the same guy, but he’s broken up with me 3 times before. It has escalated to another girl now. The book I read says that this is what commitment phobes do. Each break up comes quicker and the stakes become higher. THe more they feel you are a good person and perfect for them, they faster they run and will involve other women to make themselves believe they don’t love you. They will run from you and their own feelings. But they also cannot commit to NOT having you, so they keep that lifeline- text, phone call, email, etc. Well, if you can’t be honest with yourself, you sure aren’t going to be honest with me.
OMG, you have been involved with your EUM for 14 years? I can’t even imagine that. I was involved with mine for only 3 years, and that seemed like an eternity of heartbreak. So amazing to me to read these posts and see that some women have been involved with their EUMs for extremely long periods of time, and are maybe still waiting for them to change…or…?
So this is the longest with NC. Usually, I have made first contact (of course). He is good for about 3-4 weeks then it starts all over. At about 3 weeks, he was online CONSTANTLY- for days at a time- I felt like “hey, here I am, talk to me” but the difference this time is I haven’t bitten. So, he’s probably clueless as to what to do now. He also is very good at keeping busy. I know last weekend and this weekend he is out of town with guy friends. Then he has a trip planned in May to Texas with some friends ( the one I was supposed to be going on). I am a bit nervous about this weekend because this is an annual trip he goes on with his friends and it’s a huge drinking binge (he’s not a big drinker so I don’t get drunk dialed). So, I know this weekend he will be messed up…….
I actually wasn’t romantically involved for 14 years, I have known him that long. We were friends for a few years. He was married and so was I. He started though once he got divorced. So it has been a very long, wasted time.
Only waiting for him to change at the end. Didn’t see all the red flags for years!! You can talk yourself into or out of anything if you want to. So, if I can get over YEARS, I mean years, of this, anyone can get over their EUM. But yes, not waiting for him to change anymore. I also didn’t rush things for a long time – I wasn’t ready. Had been married and went through alot with that,too.
Linda, you said: “he is good for 2-3 weeks and then it starts all over. He is clueless as what to do now.” No, he is not clueless, he knows what YOU will do and he banks on that, real simple.
Think about it, YOU made the contacts, guess what? That is what I did, hoping every time that this time it will be different, I was so sure and he gave me enough “attention” to think, yeah, this time around it will be better. Enough crumbs to keep me hanging on – nothing else.
Think about it, he didn’t care the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and so on time around, but NOW he will?
Did you read NML’s book yet? You get all your questions answered, yes there will be still questions, because we think “He” really doesn’t fit this or that description – Yes, he does!
I had a lot of questions and still have a few here and there and will get my questions answered.
How do you know that he will be out of town, who supplies that Information to you?
Please stop thinking about what he is doing, it will drive you crazy. Focus on you really hard or you will find the next EUM. I am so glad that you are not going to see Mr. Anxiety.
Sheila, blocking his phone number or not is really not the issue. I would never think about changing my cell phone number. Why?
First of all, I am in charge of my cell phone, I answer or don’t, no matter who calls me.
I had this number for years, so changing it means that I have to tell a bunch of people, hey, here is my new number, I “had” to inconvience me and all you people, because of 1 **hole that may try to contact me? Don’t think so.
E-mail, yes go ahead and block, so you won’t be able to read his crap. You are not ready yet to get of this rollercoaster, I understand, been there done that, but you have to, you really do, he will ride as long as you let him and you know the rest o that story. The choice is YOURS only, not his. Cut the contact or not, then we will be talking about “it”, excuse me, “him” next year at this time.
Finally over it, you are doing great, keep up the NC, he is a married man. I have no experience with MM, never dated one, he**, dating single messed up guys is hard enough. You will be fine.
I feel for you, but this man is not available, don’t waste your time thinking he will leave his wife.
Ladies, I do not want to come across as the “healed one”, I really don’t, but you have to take charge of yourself, you really do.
Don’t get me wrong, am I not wishing my dude would how up at my door suddenly saying: You all that I want?? That would be great, but will this happen? No, of course not!
So, I hope I have not offended anybody – not my attention at all, I love you Ladies and wish you all the best. If there would be a magic “pill” to make you move on or make him to turn into Mr. Wonderful, trust me, I would be selling it and have a patent on it!!!
I hope you are not mad at me, but it is time to pull yourself up and say to yourself: He did WHAT to me??? I don’t want to take over this thread, my post is number 157!!! on a pretty much dead subject.
I love you Ladies, can we get real now?
Astelle- I agree with you 100%. All the info I know about his whereabouts was supplied 2 months ago by him. I have had NC with him for 5 weeks. I have blocked him, his family and all his friends from email and IM. I also refused to change my phone number ( a suggestion made by HIS family, no less) for the same reasons as you. I have no desire to talk, email, text him – I don’t want any contact with him- I closed that door without him even knowing. Believe me, I have read all the books and my EUM’s picture should be on the cover. No, I know he will never change. Until you can remove yourself emotionally from the situation, it is hard to see- that’s when you can talk yourself into anything.These last 5 weeks have done me so much good. Yes, it was hard the first couple of weeks but now it’s really not that hard. And I really don’t think about his whereabouts anymore unless his name comes up. I drove myself crazy for the first 2 weeks doing that but no more. All that worrying about him was way too exhausting knowing he really doesn’t give a shit about me.
Hi Ladies, just to let you know that over the next few days I’m going to tidy up comments. The reason for this is that when comments get particularly high, the page may start to fail with loading. To avoid this, I am going to start joining comments together – for example I’ve noticed that some of you do several comments in a row – you will notice over the next few days that a group of comments will become one.
If you are replying to several people on this thread, try to use one comment moving forward and just do:
X –
Y-
Thanks NML x
So Gia- you were right he came back. He is a mm if i did not tell you that before and I too am in NYC. He came over thursday night really late and then again spent the night with me last night. I guess his guilt subsided. I don’t know what I am doing. I know we will never be together. He has told me he will never leave his wife and that he is not unhappy. But I continue. I don’t even know how I feel about him. We are soo different that I know we would not fit as a real couple. I almost think that is what he likes about me. He is so about the wasp culture and I am the antithesis of that. Who knows. Maybe tomorrow he will end it again. It is just up and down. I am just going to focus on my life and not him. How are you doing? You have done so well with the NC . You should be proud. Stick to it. I wish I could do it. But maybe I am not ready
Hi ladies….Heartbroken no I didnt know he was married..that explains it all. I couldnt deal w mm..single men play enuff games! But what made you decide to sleep with him again???? Lonely,pity??? He’s pathetic! I have to admit I woke up today and since ure in NYC too you know we had beautiful weather and I started to miss my EUM like crazy!!! But then I thought why would I?? Even when we were together he would never spend wknds with me anyway so actually Im not losing anything..but I missed him..Anyway I had a full day w my girlfriends, nails,margaritas, mexican food and a movie. Its 1:30am and Im home-thats SUPER early on a saturday in NYC but I rather be home relaxing. I wonder tho if he’s thinking about me…especially on nites like tonite. Im not surprised ur mm called you, he will always keep coming back as long as you open the door to him…What are you going to do?
Also it doesnt sound like you’re in love with him (???) If not why is it hard??
no applause girls.. i truly feel like I can’t do it.. I blocked him on Friday afternoon… i then woke up on Saturday and unblocked him at about 11ish.. He finally texted me and said, ‘your phone is broken’ and i made up some excuse that it was broken.. I guess it made me feel good that he tried to call… I am literally picking up scraps at this point.. I have no idea what to think, I block him then feel like i have to unblock him, meanwhile, he has no idea.. At this point, it’s my issue not his and his actions, I know that, but getting out of this is so hard, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I cannot seem to take the short term pain for the long term results.. I guess I still think there is a chance.. it’s so fcked up and I know that..
Astelle, I totally agree with you.. me changing my number was and still is a disaster.. telling people, people asking why, etc… and weak!!!!
All the while he is getting the best of both worlds.. no commitment and me still there for him… How the hell did I get to this point? How???
I won’t take anything personally at this point, ladies, I need the advice and someone to knock me over the head… I feel so pathetic and weak…
almost forgot.. I’m also dealing with a mutual friend of ours, that i’m close with and have discussed my EUM with him also. MyEUM does not tell this friendmuch, b/c he has a big mouth, but we are close. I still hang with him but am thinking after Friday night, he might have to be on the NC list as well. I cannot move on with him bringing him up sporadically or telling someone right in front of me that he thinks my EUM is still in love with his wife!!!! I almost burst into tears when I heard that. What is wrong with him? Yesterday, he hooked up with my EUM’s sister and her BF while they were in Boston for the baseball game, and proceeds to send me a pix . So,I want to know that you’re partying with my EUM’s sister (whom I’ve met) and probably discussing mine and his relationship, his wife, etc… I had a friend’s b-day and didn’t even want to go after that pix came in.. I can’t hang with him anymore.. at least not for a while.. I need to step way out of the box where my EUM and our mutual friend are.. no wonder I can’t move on.. I’m still taking scraps from my EUM and hanging with his close friend, who is also my close friend.
Seriously.. I am stronger than this..
Sheila- I know this won’t make you feel any better, but this break up was harder than my divorce and I was married for 14 years! I don’t know how you get to the point that you’re done but I guess with me it was the fact that I caught him lying and this time he brought another girl into it. I think I just decided that I wasn’t going to humiliate myself. I wasn’t going to let someone think I was this stupid, pathetic person who would always be waiting -NO MATTER WHAT HE DID TO ME!! I was his doormat for way too long. You have to keep reminding yourself what a creep he is and if he loved you (because, honey he doesn’t), he wouldn’t treat you this way. Quit thinking about all the good, romantic times. Now, I feel like all of them weren’t even real. I had alot of fun with him, but I can’t make him love me- and he doesn’t or he would be here full time!!! Your idiot would have signed divorce papers by now if he loved and wanted to be with you. So, he doesn’t live with his wife-HE’S STILL MARRIED TO HER- if he dies, SHE’S THE WIDOW, she’ll be next to his casket and will get everything he has. If YOU don’t end it now, someday he will and believe me, it won’t be pretty. You will find out about all his lies and probably cheating (oh, but he’s already cheated on his wife with you Do you really think he wouldn’t do the same to you??). He’s a dick and you don’t need that in your life anymore. He’s had TOO many chances, and he’s just sitting there thinking you are pathetic. That’s another reason I can move on. How pathetic did my EUM think I was- crying, begging, pleading, willing to do anything to make it work. I was pathetic and I decided that I’m not a going to have him laughing behind my back cuz that’s what I felt like. LIFE GOES ON. Believe me it does. When a parent dies, life goes on, when you get divorced, life goes on and it goes on without your EUM!!! Remember, you’re a good person and he isn’t going to find someone better- he’s incapable of commiting to someone, so if he doesn’t want the good person he has- F*^K HIM!!! Everyday, I tell myself-ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS- HE DOESN’T LOVE ME OR HE WOULD HAVE TREATED ME WITH RESPECT. Honey, a few text messages doesn’t mean he loves you. That’s the p*ssy way of keeping you hanging around. SO AS YOUR FRIEND WHO’S GOING THRU THE SAME THING- QUIT BEING PATHETIC AND WEAK- you are strong and you can do it!!! Did you ever think you would get over your first boyfriend?? Your husband?? I don’t care about my boyfriends – I hope they’re all happy. I still talk to my ex and he’s remarried and I wish him happiness. Someday. I’ll feel the same about my EUM..
thanks.. Linda.. I know i’m close to turning the corner… you’ right.. if he loved me or wanted this he would have filed for divorce.. or if he respected me he would not contact me and let me be..as I have with my ex husband to be..
I guess my next question is this… do I have another convo with him.. or just cut the chord? I think i need to go cold turkey with him and our mutual friend… it’s the only way.. I also think I have to stop over thinking and over analyzing everything.. I just need to do it.. It’s not the end of the world…
Get rid of the friend because he’s an ass, too. How disrepectful is he telling you all taht stuff?? Guess what, my BEST GIRLFRIEND of 12 years from college, told my ex’s business partner alot of info that was things girlfriends are supposed to take to the grave. I called her, asked her who the f*^ck she thought she was and I hoped she burned in hell. Then, I called her husband and told him the same thing. He said he thought she was trying to help my ex husband get over me because I’d moved on. So, I asked him -who is she to decide how fast my ex needs to get over me?? I haven’t spoken to them in almost 5 years!! Get rid of people that are loyal to you. I had to let go of all my relationships that connected me to my EUM. But, I did it because I knew it would drive me crazy if I didn’t. Unfortunately, we lose friends in break ups
Get rid of the friend because he’s an ass, too. How disrepectful is he telling you all taht stuff?? Guess what, my BEST GIRLFRIEND of 12 years from college, told my ex’s business partner alot of info that was things girlfriends are supposed to take to the grave. I called her, asked her who the f*^ck she thought she was and I hoped she burned in hell. Then, I called her husband and told him the same thing. He said he thought she was trying to help my ex husband get over me because I’d moved on. So, I asked him -who is she to decide how fast my ex needs to get over me?? I haven’t spoken to them in almost 5 years!! Get rid of people that aren’t loyal to you or want the best for you. because I as an outsider, this ‘Friend’ isn’t really your friend. I had to let go of all my relationships that connected me to my EUM. But, I did it because I knew it would drive me crazy if I didn’t. Unfortunately, we lose friends in break ups
Go cold turkey. It won’t matter what you say to him. He will either beg and cry and do all those idiotic things they do to throw a bone at you to keep us hanging by a thread or he’ll disappear for awhile and reappear. Hopefully, he’ll do that and give you time to get over him and be strong for that time he does reappear. If something is meant to be, it will happen no matter what we do. If you are meant to be with this guy- it maybe 10 years from now, but if it’s meant to be, it will happen.
We can analyze until the day we die. My brother told me in the beginning when I was going thru all this, that sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe the planets aren’t in alignment, maybe whomever watches over us is giving you a signal, we may never know the reasons, IT JUST WASN”T MEANT TO BE.
Linda. you crack me up.. “the friend is an ass too”… seriously though.. I think my friend likes the control of knowing what both of us are doing and being the in between guy..And I also never thought he liked us togehter b/c he was jealous since we met thru him. oh well.. water under the bridge…
Yes, we all analyze and why? I agree that this is much more difficult to get over than my husband, who has moved on, I might add and has a new girlfriend who is a nice kid.
I guess I’m not further along b/c I have no taken the steps to do it. Cutting contact with the EUM and basically putting our mutual friend on the back burner for a while.
My EUM will not beg and plead and I have never either, thank god, but i’m still not moving on. I keep thinking something will changej, this w/e will be different and he’ll want to know what i’m doing and make plans. NOPE… I guess it’s time to take some responsibility for me not nipping this in the bud. I guess I’m just afraid Iwon’t make it thru the first few weeks. I am actually back sliding.. back sliding to where I was when this first went down. I drove by his apt last MOnday after seeing him.. literally got off the couch and drove by at 10:30 at night? why? He was home getting ready for an early flight like he said.. and if he wasn’t.. Today I actually checked his voicemail b/c i know he’s flying right now.. I didnt’ even do those things when we first broke up. Even when I speak to him now.. I question everything and wonder if he’s got someone else on the line, in addition to his wife. This guy had a terrible reputation when I knew him..Cheated with me and every other girl he could.
And to top things off, our mutual friend, feels bad for the EUM.. “his head is messed up”.. are you fcking kidding me? I have moved 3 times in the past 9 months, filed for divorce, and my husband has moved on ..
sorry to vent.. just trying to put things in perspective to finally pull the plug on this fking mess.!!!!
Oh Sheila…Im sorry to hear how difficult this all is for you. You deserve so much more! Why do we do this to ourselves???? I think Linda summed it all up-he’s toying with you, hanging you by a very thin thread. Darling if he loved you he would do all in his power to be with you. I hate to tell you this but dont be surprised if your mutual friend and your EUM are laughing behind your back-after all they’re both males and jerks like that get a crack out of hurting us and laugh about it over beers. I think you should put that friend in a time out for a little while. Goodness what I can’t understand is why your EUM wont disappear! Why do they hang around for? Let him go find a new victim and leave you to lick your wounds and heal! Bc the more he keeps contacting you the harder it is for you. DONT change your # anymore-that is NO LONGER AN OPTION!!!! Find the courage within yourself to cold turkey NC him-no conversation, no warning, dont wait for him to fuck up again. Like Linda said if its meant to be it will happen. If anything right now hes so comfortable with the way things are with you guys he’s probably unaware that ure in misery like this. I remember I used to pretend I was ok with things my EUM did just so he wouldnt leave me. Pretend that I was happy or kool with the fact that we just had sex and he was leaving me in a couple of hours never to be seen or heard from again for another 48hrs. NO its NOT ok!!!!! This w/e was surprisingly tough w/o him but its a different kinda pain-it was a bittersweet pain (a controllable pain) compared to the pain that I used to feel when he would leave me on a saturday afternoon and make me empty promises. Im no longer disappointed, no longer looking forward to his calls..tho I have to admit when he does call me again I may pick up to see what he says..a part of me wants to send him a txt (i think im strong enuff)…Ladies tmrw makes it 6weeks w NC-nada! Not a txt, call, see him-shit his face is a blur and his voice is a distant memory!!!
Why is it everytime my EUM calls (hes called 4times in the 6wks) I feel like its the last time he’s going to call and give up?? Do they ever?
Gia, don’t do it. No text, email or answering. I know how you feel. I feel like I’m strong enough to unblock my email and show myself online again but then I think why?? Why give him THAT satisfaction. I feel like he would still win. “Oh there she is – I knew she couldn’t go much longer.” I would rather he WONDER the rest of his life whatever happened to me. Did I move on?? Am I in the nut house?? Let him wonder….Besides, remember they are VERY good at what they do. We may not be as strong as we hope. It is so easy to get sucked back in (I know I did it 3 times). Yes, they move on eventually when they realize we aren’t taking their shit anymore- they will find someone else to do this to because they always have to be doing it.
Sheila- EVERYTHING Gia says is correct. Get rid of the EUM and his ass friend. This guy is NOT your friend. Guys will stick with guys. My EUM’s step brother told me along time ago he thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He really liked me and him together. You think he would have mentioned that to him during this breakup?? No, he is probably joking and laughing with the new girl as we speak. No, guys stick together. Dump both of them. Sheila, honey, this man is NEVER going to change. The book I read, says -LOOK AT THE MAN”S TRACK RECORD WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS!!! I can remember my mother asking me about my EUM and pointing out the fact that he’s been married twice and each time only lasted 2 years. She told me that was a red flag. Did I listen? No, I had every excuse for him – the ones he gave me of course. (the first marriage they were too young and the second, he knew wasn’t right but was at the age when he wanted to settle down and try for a family). Then of course he met me and it was all going to be different. Haha. I was the girl he was waiting for all his life!!! Yep, I fell for all that shit. No, not many of them change. ESPECIALLY without a reason to. ANd we give them no reason to change when we accept their horrible behavior. Don’t accept it anymore. If that’s what it takes to change him, then great but you certainly don’t want him the way he is now!! And Sheila- YOU WILL MAKE IT THRU THE FIRST WEEKS and then it gets way easier. When you look back, you won’t believe how strong you are. I look back now at my 5 weeks (especially the first couple when my family and friends were soooo worried about me) and I can’t believe how far I’ve come in 5 little weeks. You have to do it. This is ripping you apart. We’ll be here to do it with you……..
I will need help. I have spoken with him alot. He called 3 times yesterday, is back on a flight today and just texted me that he landed.. It’s just like old times.. why? So now I wait in anticipation that this w/e something will be different and he will want to see me or do something..
I truly believe it gets easier.. you guys rock.. you have both come a long way.. It is ripping me apart.. the nice weather is stressing me out.. When does the “what is he doing” go away? God, I can’t seem to get that out of my head.. The anxiety when I wake up in the morning.. I have only myself to blame at this point.. I realize that.. I have done the NC before.. not as long as you guys, but i never would have contacted him etc.. I agree about the phone issue, blocking, new number thing… I need to be strong and just ignore and move on..
and yes, I will need help..
oh, and the friend? he was blowing up my phone this morning at 6:40 am.. why? probably bc he was driving back from his gf’s house where he was all w/e and wanted to fill me in on the baseball game and meeting up with myt EUM’s sister.. oh great.. you guys analyzed what happened.. blah,blah, blah.. I wonder if he told his sister that he believes he really loves his wife?
He is on the back burner.. I do not want to talk to him.. he will make me feel worse
Gia-I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. It has been such a roller coaster. I just don’t know. I just can’t seem to say no to him and the bottom line is I am the one who is going to have to do it. The problem is for some it is just worrying about a phone call. This guy just shows up at my door at all hours and that is when it is really hard. I think i am going to start the nc again. UGH but actually i think that really gets them going.
Sheila, we’ll help- we’ll be there every step of the way. Keep ass friend on the back burner. You don’t need to hear ANYTHING he has to say. It only hurts in the end. If he was sincere, he would have called and left you a message – not blowing up your phone to give you “scoop”. That’s not a real friend. Heartbroken- don’t take this wrong but NC isn’t something you should be doing to “get them going”. NC is to get them out of your life for good and so that you can heal and move on with your life. It won’t work if you’re playing the game. You have to remove yourself from the game. That’s what NC is for. If he shows up at your door, call the police. If you aren’t serious about getting him out of your life, he will never change (not that he will anyway.) They stay in our lives as a*^holes because we allow them to do that. Why should he change?? He likes it this way and you allow him to act that way. Like Gia told Sheila, if the man loves you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you. Why do you want to be with a man who doesn’t love you?? I don’t care what shit he tells you. My EUM told me EVERYTHING from I was the one he’s been waiting for all his life to let’s get married. And where is he now?? Not in my life. Always remember- ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Showing up at your house all hours of the night drunk is not love. It’s called using you. And mine used me too so I know how horrible that feels. But he will never use me again…. I want someone to love me and put into the relationship what I put into it. I have alot of love to give someone, so why shouldn’t I expect it in return??
Lots of healed women on this website.. something must be working..
It’s the NC isn’t it?????????
Sheila, yes NC is the best thing to do and also to realize that you don’t want to be a doormat.
If you want him to use you over and over – be my guest – you need to take charge, it is in YOUR hands only.
It is kinda like, you are taking the poison, but you are waiting for him to die.
Get rid of him!!!
Yes, it is the NO CONTACT, absolutely. It’s the only way to regain control over the hopeless situation. Heart wrenching, but so true. It’s like you just have to put on the “NC” rule, knowing that they are clueless and never will get it, but it’s for your own sanity and self-preservation. I found that trying to get them to “get it” was so self-defeating and pointless because they never will.
I love all the EMPOWERMENT Im reading recently!!!
I know, let’s keep it up! We need to support each other through all of this. We are ALL great women and deserve so much more than we are getting. This website has helped me SO MUCH I cannot even express it. You guys rock!
Heartbroken stop analyzing how or why you should NC him and just do it. This man does not love you-he’s using you. My EUM used to do the very same thing to me-show up drunk and I used to feel special bc hey out of all the women he can run to hes running to ME! Ughhh how stupid I was!!!! Hate to break it to you but you’re his comfort blanket-NC him
Ladies 6weeks of NC for me!!!! Ding, ding, ding, yippeee!!!! He’s still @ 4calls with no voicemails or texts but hey at least the ball is in my court! I hope he’s sweating this out!!!
4 calls meaning he’s called me 4times NOT me calling him!
Gia, I ‘m so glad to hear that. BE PROUD!!! I was getting a little worried bout you cuz I haven’t seen you in a couple of days and in your last post you were thinking of answering the phone!! Don’t do it. 6 weeks is soooo great!! What an accomplishment!! And yes Sheila, it is the NC that works. How are you hanging in there?? KEEP STRONG EVERYONE- we are all doing so well and part of my strength is talking to you girls!! We are foxes and some man is going to sweep us off our feet (in a healthy way) and we will wonder what the hell we wasted so much time on these men that treated us so badly… You all will be invited to my next wedding!!
and Finally Over It is sooooo right on the money. Trying to make them “get it” is a waste of time and emotional energy. It’s exhausting. If they don’t get it at their ages, they aren’t going to get it. A relationship isn’t for you to try to teach someone something like that……..It’s pretty basic. If you love me, you should WANT to be with me and keep the relationship moving forward. Not stuck in limbo (or purgatory)where I have been for so long. It should progress naturally.
Thanks Linda-tho I have to say it’s been a trek and its very hard @ times (some times more than others). Ladies Im learning to love myself again-he was my drug of choice. I no longer long him like I used to, im actually starting to second guess if i really loved him or did i love the drama n excitement our dysfunctional relationship brought to my life. Bc honestly other than sex and drama we didnt have much else! You all can do it! Be strong. Linda I look forward to that wedding!!! 🙂
I have been on Nc now for 6 weeks. Was engaged to be married and we were set to move in together. Then he says that he hasn’t visited everywhere he wants to go to or do everything he wants to do, he is 39 and is still living with his mum. Have I had a lucky escape? It kinda does and doesn’t feel that way. The NC is going okay. He texted me twice to get things back, I post some things but I don’t know if it was an excuse to see what I was up to?
Hi everyone! I was hoping I could join in. My story is very similar to everyone else’s. It’s almost as if I am reading bits and pieces of my story from everyone. You guys are an inspiration to me because at least you are trying to move past and do this NC thing. I just feel so weak. I wrote to NML on December 12. My post was titled, “Why Me and Not Her….the Other Woman Gone Very Wrong”. I guess the difference is that I have never had the title of girlfriend. His gf and him broke up, he had an opportunity to be with me, but ended up dating another girl, who he is currently with. A couple months ago, I thought (foolishly) that we were going to have our chance. Of course, being the idiot that I am, I remained friends with him, even what one would consider best friends. We finally admitted that we wanted to be with each other, but he had to of course break up with his gf first. That happened eventually, but they also got back together. So, since then, it has been an emotional roller coaster. In the last couple of weeks, we have started to hook up again, which means he is cheating on his new(ish) gf with me AGAIN. I know I need to stop cause this is getting ridiculous. This is not the person I am or want to be. But I just DO NOT understand why if he is so emotionally unavailable to me, then why is he able to start a relationship with another girl? I know he is not emotionally available to her either and well, he cheats on her (and does not seem to have an remorse about it), but why did he never give me the chance to be his gf? People tell me it is because he knows he can’t run his game on me. That I am too inquisitive, too questioning (which is ironic cause it wasn’t until him that I became so insecure). He tells me it is because he can’t lose me as a friend and he knows that if it didn’t work out between us, it would be the end of us. I wrote that post in December and I am still asking myself the same question. Why will be make everyone else his gf, but not me?
He is not emotionally available to anyone, although that is hard to see.. same sht different girl.. why won’t he make you his gf? I would say b/c he probably takes you for granted and knows you will always be there..I had this convo with Gia about the EUM actually losing you, and no mine has not lost me yet, and probably takes me for granted too.. The only difference is that I’m breaking away, have a plan, and am dating other people.
He can’t lose you as a friend? Do you want him as a friend? You are the fall back girl!!! When friends hook up that’s the chance you take. My EUM alwasy said before we hooked up, “i don’t want to ruin this friendship”..um, ok, then let’s put our clothes back on..LOL Guess what life doesn’t work like that.. You can be friends if someone isn’t hurt,it’s amicable, or if by some stretch of the imagination in world unknown, the EUM handles the break up the right way, being honest, up front, and letting you go if he does not want you anymore.. ANY TAKERS? No, of course not.. The writing is on the wall.. Tell him to take his friendship and shove it up his cheating , emotionally unavailable, self-centered ass!!!!
JustFriends, do you know for a fact that he has a completely healthy committed relationship with his “girl friend”? It could be that he is stringing her along in the same way he is stringing you along. In NML’s book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl” (which I highly recommend to everyone) she says that EUMs will throw you the “friend card” because they don’t want to be the sh** that treated you badly, and the “friend” card is basically your consolation prize. Being in the friend zone has benefits for them–they can still hang out with you–have sex with you if that’s part of the relationship–enjoy your company, etc., without having to make any kind of commitment or face the reality of what a sh** they really are. The “consolation prize” is also known as “throwing you crumbs.” So, in reality, you can justify the “friendship” as being better than not having them at all, and yet in the back of your mind you’re always wondering, hoping and dreaming that someday they will see how great you are, and the friendship will move into a romantic relationship. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I went through that nightmare with my EUM for 3 years, and he’s STILL trying to throw out that bent up, used up “Friend Card”, so that he doesn’t have to live with being the bad guy. It really doesn’t have anything to do with liking to be with me, caring about me, or any of that, the gesture of friendship is made only because he doesn’t want to see himself as the assclown that he is, and he thinks that being my “friend” is going to be just fine with me, and keep me happy. It could very well be that your EUM is throwing out the same crumbs to his “girlfriend” as he is to you! Just food for thought!
JustFriends he wont commit to you because like Sheila said you arent going anywhere!!! And he knows that! You have to make them feel that they lost you. How much more does this prick need to do to you for you to get up and smell the French Vanilla (my favorite) coffee!!??? He wont call you his gf but he will meet another woman and within wks shes his gf but yet YOU whos been there thru thick n thin wont get the title. My advice close your legs really tight and NC him!!!
Question..ive been 6wks NC…when do i know its really over and ok to move on??? Is it a safe time now to say he will never call back?
I don’t think you have to make him feel like he lost you, I think YOU need to lose him! I would dump his sorry a@@!
GiaNYC, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. I would just move on, and not wonder about it–thinking about it all the time is still keeping you a prisoner of him (I do know that’s easier said than done, but I think it’s all part of the NC). That is, if you TRULY want to move on…?
You’re right..and 6weeks of NC is a looonngg time but I still cant help but wonder or feeling wow this is it??? I meant that little to him??? i guess as time goes on it will fade some more and i wont wonder about these things so much
I know, it really sucks, but it is true that time heals all wounds, and as time goes on you will think of him less and less, and that day will come when you will be with someone totally awesome who treats you like the princess you are, and you will have this fleeting thought of him and think “OMG, I can’t believe I wasted so much time with that guy!” IT WILL HAPPEN! 🙂
Funny bc my girlfriend says the same thing! She always says Im going to look back @ this and cringe with embarassment lol!
Gia and everyone else on this site is right. I need to NC my mm. I can’t take the mind games anymore or not knowing if i will ever see him again. I just seem to get stuck in the same pattern. I see him am happy, don’t hear from him and start to mourn and get sad, and then he comes back and I start the process all over again. I just don’t know why I can’t wake up to the fact that this man does not care about me at all. Started no contact on sunday although he has not contacted me. When he does eventually call I will ignore and when he shows up i won’t answer.
heartbroken, the fact that your EUM is married alone should give you the incentive to end the relationship. I am pretty critical of married men who cheat on their wives, and I just think that no matter what he tells you about not being happy in his marriage or whatever, he is abusing and disrespecting you as a human being. Please remember that if he is cheating on his wife now, and then eventually leaves her and finds someones else (whether it is you or not), he will no doubt cheat on them, too. Some people are just incapable of being monogomous, and he may very well be one of them. I would dump him, and fast!
Hey everyone- I can’t believe how many of us there are now!!JustFriends, my EUM and I were friends- I mean really friends for about 8 years before we became romantically (for lack of a better word) involved. He was married and so was I. It was all platonic. It sucks because I know we will NEVER be friends again. That hurts. We went through divorces together, family deaths, illnesses- you name it. So, you just mourn that part too and move on. It sucks but you will discover people in your life that will replace the friendship. Some of best friends and I grew closer thru my whole mess. Gia- move on when YOU are ready. It doesn’t matter where he is in his life. I feel exactly like you do- all those years and this is it?? But, it is and guess what? OUR lives are going to be better than we could have imagined. Heartbroken, I don’t know you but your blogs sound so depressing. Get rid of him, heal, and smile again. Soon, you will be laughing. I thought I would NEVER laugh again, but 5 1/2 weeks NC and I have laughed!!!My friends are funny again. I’m funny again- Guess what else? People like me- never thought that would happen without my EUM. My girlfriend told me this week she was so glad the old Linda was back! And unfortunately, I think she was referring to the old me about 2 -3 years ago before my EUM stole all my self esteem and security – not just since this break up. And finallyoverit is right. Get away from the married man. Ask any of these girls that have married EUMs, it doesn’t change. Read the stats, married men don’t leave. Everyone hang in there!!We are all doing great!!!
Finally over it-
Thanks for the advice. I know you are all right. Rationally I know that but I think there is this addictive quality to this relationship. What I can’t get past is right now wondering if I will ever hear from him again, wondering if he feels guilty again and is not going to call me. I know I should not care but I do. I know that if I don’t hear from him next week I will be so upset. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I have told him a couple of times not to contact me and I always fall back so my credibilty is no more. Also, he ended it with me two weeks ago saying he felt an overall sense of guilt and that I was a good person and he thought he was leading me down the wrong path. Then he shows up at my place a week and a half later. Spends two nights with me, obviously his wife was out of town I felt better and now of course it has been 4 days and i have not heard from him so I am wondering what is going on. I don’t know how to stop caring and to get over that feeling of wondering and feeling rejected.
My ex texted me again last night and still I have not replied. I agree that NC is hard and I keep thinking that maybe he will take the hint. I know that I can’t handle texting/talking to him as I still love him. I can’t stop loving him after 7 years of my life with him. It is hard but I am willing to see it through. The fact that he is 39 and did not want to move in with me from his mum’s house and doesn’t want kids was the reason that we spilt up in the first place.
I love this forum btw and I am so happy that there are fellow women out there who are in my position too.
Hi girls.. i have some input from Linda’s blog.. My married man left, but guess what? He has not done anything else..It’s like he baited me then pulled the line and got off the boat.. I was also telling someone else on this website this story.. This is the 2nd time I have been in this situation, so you see a pattern? But the first time, I was not married, and I got involved with a married man. To make a long story short, he wanted out, and did not hide it.. He finally pushed and pushed til she left. Well.. after she left I was the piece of sht that ruined his life, and suddenly the shoe was on the other foot. If, and that’s a big if, these men leave, you are still miles from emerald city on this yellow brick road of misery.
These men have to deal with their emotions, their kids, if any, their famlies, and it’s a nightmare.. So ladies, even if these men pull the plug they are no where near ready to make the break from their marriages, and sometimes this is the worst part. I’ve learned the hard way.. twice…There is no light at the end of the tunnel, take it from someone who has been there.
Goodness are all our EUM’s related??? lol!! Ive never done the married man thing but know plenty of my friends who have-RUN ladies RUN!!! Its hard enough finding a stable, mature, single man let alone dealing with a married drama filled, come save me man. All you’re doing is being used to fulfill his needs and once that is over then he has no use for you. Chances are he will never leave his wife and if he does he will wind up going nowhere fast with you. Listen Sheila-she knows what shes saying!! Heartbroken chances are he will contact you again but only for a quick fix-nothing more then he’s climbing out like Spiderman never to be seen from again until he requires his fix again. Im 6wks NC and I still think of my EUM-everyday-some days less than others but hes still on my mind. I dont regret the NC @ all-if anything I think ive gotten my self respect back, and I know if I were to run into him again he wont know how to act. Ughh im embarrassed when i think back to how available i was to him-how loving and caring when he was so EU. Right now im in total control of the situation and feel empowered. If you ladies want to feel the same do the NC!!!! Its hard as hell but it’s worth doing.
Im even considering picking up his call when he next calls. The ball is in my court. He KNOWS that I KNOW he’s called me 4times and has not left mssgs-and I still have NOT txt or call to see what he wanted. How stupid must he feel????
Angi how many times has your EUM tried contacting you in total in all the 6wks of NC?
Gia.. DON’T PICK IT UP.. HE’LL SWEET TALK YOU BACK TO STAGE ONE!!!! I know what you’re thinking? ” Sheila, you havent’ even NC your man, who are you kidding? “LOL
I want you to run into him at work.. make him sweat, see what he does, and above all, look damn good that day…
You should sleep better at night doing what you did.. you have your pride, self-respect and dignity back.. I should take a page out of your book.. WORKING ON IT !!!
Sheila you’re so right-i guess thats the drama seeker in me. A big part of me wants to hear his excuses and make him grovel “oh i didnt know what I had till it was gone” blah blah blah. You’re right.. hmm we’ll have to wait and see when that phone rings. When it comes to sex I dont think or know I can do it again w him bc its been so long, it would be like being w a stranger again but if he puts the right moves on me its very easy to get it back…hmm yeah better off not picking up!
Ladies as you can see tho I am 6weeks into NC Im still not totally over him(60% there). That other 40% is proving to be a B*tch!!!
So ladies…guess what???? my EUM called me about 45mins ago-thats the 5th no voicemail phone call in 6 weeks!!!! If you look to my posting from last Thursday he called me then too..hmm wonder if Thursdays are his favorite days to call…who knows maybe girlfriend works late on Thursdays.. Contrary to what my last posting said I DID NOT PICK UP!!! My heart stopped when I saw his name across my caller ID as much as I wanted to hear his voice and ask him why did he hurt me so much, I didnt pick up, I instead hit the ignore button. Ladies I felt vindicated and high but if lasted briefly bc even tho I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me, I still love him…But Im @ peace with not picking up..BUT WHY STILL NO VOICEMAILS???? Also we both work in the same company on different floors, if he really wanted to see me he would show up @ my office or call me @ my desk….does him calling @ nite mean hes too afraid to face me??? After 5times he must know Im not going to pick up. He could easily have access to me @ work and I would have no choice but to hear and face him bc I obviously cant make a scene @ work. Why is he doing this to me???? Ughh!!!
Gia, I agree I’m 6 weeks NC tomorrow and I still think of him – it’s not 24/7 but everyday he creeps into my thoughts. But now, ladies, it’s not that pit in my stomach like it used to be. I don’t get physically sick when I think of him with someone else. I’m not horribly angry anymore (I wanted his d*ck to fall off). It’s almost, like, he’s some guy I used to date. Gia- be careful, though because he may not grovel and that will make you feel horrible again. I know, I still think like that sometimes, but I figure, even if he did show up and grovel, I wouldn’t believe a word he says now. It wouldn’t be as dramatic as we think. It is more empowering to know they are sitting around wondering what we are doing. Is she screwing someone else?? Has she moved on?? And Sheila is RIGHT, it’s TOO EASY to get sucked back in. They are really good at what they do.Remember the beginning when you were his world?? I remember and that is soooo easy to fall into. All the right words, actions, emotions. NOooooo, stay away from any contact.
Gia- they can be very persistent. He will eventually give up and your right, if someone wants to see you or get a hold of you THAT bad, they will
I remember how my EUM CHASED me in the beginning. All flattering at the time but if I had a crystal ball……..
To all the girls with married EUMs , tell them to get divorced, get their shit together and then call you and IF you are still available, we’ll see what happens…….And NC them until then. I will tell you girls, in the beginning. And I mean NC until it is all over, no Oh I moved out let’s have sex. Ask Sheila. I was also EU in this relationship, I wasn’t sure about getting divorced, etc and that’s what my guy told me. And guess what? I ran to divorce court (unfortunately, he liked me better married b/c as soon as I was available, he started running). That’s the problem with the whole married thing, it’s a whole new ballgame when you both become single and usually it doesn’t work out. But what would you girls be losing?? A couple nights of booty calls?? Trust me there are other guys out there good in bed. AND you might get your self esteem back.
I know and thats why I didnt pick up. Somehow I feel like no matter how strong I think I am he will suck me in. This is not the first time we broke up, we brokeup numerous times. However this is the longest its ever gone-we usually made up w/i 24-48 hrs which Im sure he thought was going to happen. Now 50+ days later hes probably thinking “oh shit i really did f*ck up this time”. I think about the first 3weeks of NC and I think of the tears and pain (unbearable, nauseous, insomnia, stomach wrenching) and theres no way I can take that pain again. If he loved me he would not have put me thru that…what could possibly have to say to me now??
Gia, you and I are in the same boat. My first 3 weeks were the most horrible time in my life. I refuse to ever go thru that again.We have broken up before but this is the longest we’ve gone, too. And you’re right, what could they possibly say at this point?? And what would you believe?? I wouldn’t believe anything. What get back together and in 1 1/2 -2 years, wait for the break up again?? No, thank you. I don’t want that life anymore, no matter what I feel or have ever felt for him. I guess I’ve grown to like myself again and I won’t let him to that to me ever again. And you’re right, if he loved me, he wouldn’t have done any of that to me…….
Hi Gia, he has texted me about 6 times and each of those times they were for something trivial that he wanted back. I didn’t reply I just posted the things that he wanted back.
My friends have said that it is an excuse to see if I am still talking to him. Like yourself, I am in 6 weeks of NC and I feel real pleased with myself. I did think that I would crumble but you need NC to heal and feel good about yourself.
I feel like my EUM would have dated me forever and when he it came to being mature, getting a house, getting married and having kids he couldn’t do it. God knows why, I’m an intelligent, beautiful, confident, funny women with extremely good breasts (well, at least I keep telling myself that to boost my confidence).
Thanks for all your support everyone.
Hey ladies…sad to say my run of 6weeks NC ended last nite. I responded back to my EUM’s ignored phone call with a txt. We txt’d back n forth for 30mins-it was pretty intense and emotional I have to admit. He then asked if he could see me and I didnt answer back..he showed up @ my door. We argued, we discussed so much..tears were shed, blah blah and yes we made passionate love. Honestly I feel ok with it this morning. One thing the 6wks of NC taught me was that I can survive w/o him.
So my life continues today as it did yesterday before I txt him. I will continue to love myself and enjoy life and accept the reality that him and I can nerver really be in a normal r’ship.
Now does it mean that I will call him and text him now just bc we had sex-NO!!! Im actually booked this wknd so chances of seeing him are very slim. Every relationship is different, dynamics are different for all so I cant really tell you ladies what works. We have to do whats comfortable for us. Here I thought once after having sex I would be 10times worst, it turns out I feel 3x better (for now anyway) reason being is bc in the 6wks of NC I learned to love myself and one nite of carnal passionate pleasure is not going to take that away..I will continue to love,play and laugh like I have been…Ladies your thoughts????? And I dont mind constructive criticism..
Ok, here is some constructive “feedback” for you. You probably feel 3x better today because you are on a high from seeing your EUM. Nothing wrong with that, but I think you should be “real” about it and not think you feel better because you still feel empowered about the relationship. We have all bought another ticket to ride the EUM emotional rollercoaster, even when we knew deep down inside that it would probably be a rocky ride, and parts of it would be downright heartbreaking. I think it’s important to not judge others, and to realize that everyone has their own path to follow in these type of relationships. I do believe that there is a “defining moment” that occurs when you finally realize what you need to do. It’s no different than an alcoholic or drug addict who finally hits rock bottom, and they make a drastic change in their lift to get sober. And the reality is that no one can tell you what you should do, no one can talk you into leaving your EUM–it is YOUR personal decision and YOUR life. The path you are on is yours alone–we can be here to support and listen, but the bottom line is that you are the navigator of your life choices. Take care. 🙂
Its good to have fun Gia and I would not criticise you in any way.
I couldn’t sleep with my ex because I am still madly in love with him and I think that would set me back in my NC of six weeks. You are being incredibly brave, I keep thinking that I am gonna lose it to be honest. I miss him, I love him but I know that he does not want what I want so there can be no us anymore. At 39, I am 28 btw you would think he would be ready to make a commitment but I can’t stand not having him and I can’t stand having him when he doesn’t want what I want.
We weren’t just good together we were amazing and that is what is hurting so much. I feel like he must have been lying to me when I was going on about decorating a house when we moved and why we should be getting a spare bedroom fr a child when he obviously didn’t want all that.
Everyday it does get a little better but it is really hard.
This blog is great! I can relate to everyone…I’m 66 days into NC. It’s been easier as time goes on, however, I STILL think about him, the situation everyday. Miss him some times…What I still obsess about, not as much as just after it happened, is how I acted when we last spoke. It was my rock bottom…I was drunk, crying, yelling…he was telling me to get the F%^k out of his face….he left and I proceeded to call him like 30 times on his cell phone, went to his place and knocked on door where his other chick was staying….it was disastrous. I HATE he saw me like that. I HATE I was reduced to that and I can’t let it go….that was not me. I’m so much happier now…that relationship was poison. Everyone in my life tells me how much happier and healthier I look. I wasted almost 3 years on someone who would never commit to me. Lost myself completely….I am better, so much better…but can’t get over that night! Why do I care what he thinks? I think in my subconscious I was wanting to hurt him so much I pulled out all the stops, I knew that would get him to go away….and it did. But I showed my ass as a result. Oh well…..guess just shows how unbelievably sick that situation was; and alcohol will aid in bringing out all the baggage!
Amen. I fell off the wagon, I’m getting back on.
Thanks so much for the support. We are taught to nurture and to put ourselves last, and that is just so wrong!
Hey ladies..went away for the wknd..So here’s the run down-after ending 6weeks of NC this past Thursday and hooking up w my EUM he’s been completely attentive. He wanted to see me this wknd but I went away to visit my family. Im not sure how to feel..he asked me if I still love him and I couldnt really say ‘yes’. My feelings are mixed..after 6 weeks of NC im kinda ‘blah’ about it all..I guess my ego was stroked bc he was the one running back and now that I got that maybe ive become a EUF!!!! Im sure I wouldnt be the first..then I start to question if I ever REALLY loved him if I am starting to feel this way.. Who knows what will happen next..For you ladies who are still in the midst of NC-stick to it!!! Im proud of you!!
Liz as time goes by you will think of what you did less and less. You snapped-it happens to all of us..At least it’s all over and you went out with a bang!!! Hopefully no one can get you to that again. Stay strong
Liz, 3 years of him not committing and at least you got out, I waited 7 years and now I have lost a third of my life. Stay strong and focused, I am over 6 weeks of NC and it is making me see that I deserve to be happy and that I should be taking better care of myself, I don’t know why I didn’t when I was with him but I guess you get stuck in a rut and think that because you have someone you don’t need to bother. Maybe if I had taken care of myself more he would have seen that I am desirable to other men and kept him on his toes.
I really have to go the NC route.. I’m just terrified I won’t be able to get thru the inital first two weeks.. I’ve never lasted more than 10 days w/o picking up or texting back.. I am truly upset about this whole mess, but am at the point where I need to take control and truly put this bs behind me.. It’s starting to wear on me and I’m so god damn sick of thinking about it and analyzing it.. I have seen him alot this w/e but still have no idea what the heck is going on.. oh, actually, I do, we are friends who talk daily, check in, if you will, and have had sex twice. I never want to ask him to do something, b/c i don’t want to feel needy or pushy, but wtf… I hate this and I hate who he is, if you want the truth. He is not the guy who I was in a relationship with for 7 months, and I’m just taking the scraps..
HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF THIS?? I AM SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY, I CANNOT MOVE ON OR GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY.
NML’s comment above is correct. The No Contact Rule is not about mapping out in your head what his next move is going to be, and thinking of him every waking moment. It’s not just about no “physical” contact through phone, in person, etc., it’s about No Contact in your head, too! That’s the hard one, but until we all do that, we might as well pack it in because we are not applying the NC rule in the right way, thus, it will not work for us! Not saying it’s easy, but the NC in our minds is just as (if not more) important as blocking your EUM from your phone, not answering the door, etc. Stay strong, ladies!
We dont realize how we become a slave to it all. Myself included..All the weeks of NC I spent @ least 60pct of the time thinking of my EUM. Where is he? When or if he will call???There’s no easy potion or cure for what we are feeling other than time.. My EUM wants to see me tonite and I’m in two minds about accepting the invite. My hearts not in it really..Oh yeah still no regrets about seeing him last wk. I wont say Im on a ‘high’ per se nor am I @ a ‘low’. Im content which is as good as it will get until I meet Mr. Right…
it’s official. I AM FING DONE…
I went to divorce court today.. I actually just got back to work. My EUM did not ask when my court date was, or inquire if I had been or not.. ( yes, selfish, he knew it was soon, and ignored it).. Anyway.. last night before I left work, I emailed him that I had my court date today. I did not hear from him all night.. Mind you we have been in contact alot and spent some of the w/e together. No call, no text, nothing in response to my email about my big day today. At 9pm I offically bowed out of this. How can someone not even call me to wish me luck, or ask how I’m doing and if I’m ok? Especially since he was one of the reasons, I left and filed. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? Talk about not giving a sht and avoiding the issue.
Never heard from him all night, and I never contacted him. This morning, I went to court, and got out and he had sent a text message saying, “good luck” from this morning.
Court was very difficult, my husband was a great guy, and I threw it away for my EUM. I want nothing to do with my EUM. I saw his true colors last night not even caring about my big day today, a day that came partly b/c of him. I am so offended, turned off and DONE.
This was the icing on the cake. I am not talking, emailing, texting or anything I am just ignoring him and willl not speak to him again. I want no part of him. I hate him.
Let him ponder why I suddenly did this. It’s long overdue.
DAY 1 CONTACT.
Sheila – He didn’t say good luck because he doesn’t want you to think he is committed or cares. How could anyone who remotely has ANY feelings for you let you go through something as big as that without calling you. He loves himself case closed. I hope you didn’t get divorced solely for this guy. That would be sad. No contact has to be for YOU not to teach him a lesson. I hope you can stay strong. This doesn’t sound good. I am glad you realized it! STAY STRONG!
Today made me realize what I just gave up. My husband is 100 times the person my EUM is.. and after today, my husband makes me want to be a better person, and that does not involve surrounding my self with this EUM… he is a hypocrite, coward, self-absorbed loser.. Let him go back to his wife.. she can have his ass..
NC is for me.. i’m better than this, and way better than him… I’m not teaching him a lesson, but i take pride in just cutting him off with no convo, email, or discussion. He is not worth the any breath I take. I truly hate him and feel so good to be at this stage, no anxiety, no nothing..
I had an email to send him ( a nasty one), and you know what? I’m too good for that. He is not worth the click of my mouse..
Very wise. You will know that you have healed when you no longer “hate” him. You are not there yet & neither am I but let us “forgive” their pathetic souls so that we move on.
Sheila I am proud of you-good for you!! Time heals!
entering day 2 and i feel good.. i feel as though i got to a point where I’m so done, the anxiety, anticipation etc is gone… He finally crossed the line one too many times, and his time ran out. I slept good, feel good, and have already started to ignore the text messages…
It’s very liberating and I haven’t felt this good in months, although I know I still have a long way to go, my divorce and the class my ex husband showed me yesterday made me realize I am a better person than this guy, I know that now!!!
Day 2..
So I did the hardest thing today. After the roller coaster of over a year and the last contact with him about a week and half ago and no contact from him, I changed my phone number, blocked him from my email and I am also going to ask my landlord if we can disable my buzzer so i won’t hear if he ever stops by in the middle of the night. I can’t do this anymore. It has made me physically sick, I left my job, spent my savings all trying to get out of this situation. I know that there is no other way out for me. I can’t seem to say no to him so I have closed off all forms of him being able to get into contact with me. I am just so tired of it. This way I won’t be wondering if he will contact me again, wait or wonder what he is thinking. Time to move on. Just really sad. No closure, but we have both ended it in the past that our word means nothing anymore.
Heartbroken, you have closure! Think about it, you are physically sick, left your job, changed phone number – what more do you need??
I feel for you, please take care of yourself, don’t give him a chance or you will be back to square one. Do you have friends/family for support?
Stay away from him, I promise you, you will get better, just think about yourself right now.
Hey girls, I missed you all. I decided to go to Chicago for the weekend since I already had a plane ticket and let me tell you girls, it was a blast. I did hook up with Mr. Anxiety who proved himself to not be Mr. Anxiety. I ended up having a blast with him but I believe part of it is because I know he’s not relationship potential. Neither one of us wants that from each other. He’s very safe for me but he’s been a great stepping stone. He’s been a huge baby step for me. I am sure that I’m EU right now, it’s only been not quite 7 weeks NC for me, but I felt like this is great practice for getting back out there. I am truly amazed that I had so much fun. I think we get in the rut thinking that NOBODY will ever make us feel like our EUMs and nobody will be as good in bed (my EUM and I had a very strong sexual connection as I’m sure you all do). But I realized that things will be DIFFERENT with other guys but not necessarily bad. It was sooo nice to have someone who WANTED to talk and I didn’t have to make conversation. And I met new people and learned so much because he’s totally different than my EUM: lifestyle, career, friends. It was a whole new learning experience for me. But it felt great and I think we will probably end up being friends for a long time. And my EUM was out of my thoughts more this weekend that he ever has. Sheila, I hope you’re finally doing it. Be strong. It is the best for you. And take some time to get over your divorce. I went straight from my marriage to my EUM and I wish I would have taken time. Because now I’ve had to deal with my breakup and my divorce. It all catches up with you. Gia, I understand where you are but just don’t let a few nights with EUM PREVENT you from finding Mr. Right. I know I would not have gone to Chicago and had fun if I still had ANY contact with my EUM. But I kept thinking, He’s certainly not sitting around, he’s going on with his life, so, why shouldn’t I do something new and different?? Try something I’ve never done before?? And it worked out for me. Everyone keep up the good work and yes it is hard but I promise it does get better!!!
Yes, Heartbroken, you give it closure. You don’t NEED closure from him. They really can’t say or do anything to give us “closure”. What would make you say “ok I feel better about moving on because he told me……..” Nothing. Nothing will make you feel better about moving on except that you deserve better than that and you will get better than that. By doing all those things you have done, you’ve closed it. Now, just keep it closed.
Linda.. that is great news.. baby steps is the way to go, don’t think long term and before you know it, 7 weeks have gone by..that’s great!!
Heartbroken.. I truly feel for you. I actually just went into a journal yesterday i started two months ago when we broke up.. I kid you not that I sound like I’m going to take my own life. It is really really depressing. I know how I felt then, and reading it puts me in such a better place. I’m printing the journal and burning it. After reading your post, I feel like i have been there and you never think you will come out of it. It’s too bad you have to take those steps to keep him out of your life and it’s shame what this is doing to you. He is the reason.. start there!!!
I am on Day 3 on NC and i feel good. I have been sleeping better, no anxiety, and just overall feel better. He did call me yesterday morning, i looked at the phone, and pressed ignore. Yes, my heart skipped a beat, but i did not pick up and had no regrets about it. I’m sure that I am not in the clear, but I look at my EUM differently after this week. His actions, my court date for my divorce, and my ex husband’s dignity, were the perfect storm i needed to rid him from my life. He’s a scum bag and i want no part of him.
Sheila! So proud of you for ignoring him! That is the hardest thing sometimes! It is great you are feeling better – that will be your motivation to keep moving forward! One day at a time!
Linda – Kudos to you for trying something different! I agree with you on the “rut” thing thinking that no one else will compare to the EUM or the sexual aspect. Why IS the sex so great? Anyway Linda – I think it is great you got out there & had fun! I also agree with you on taking some time after a divorce. What is even more important to mention in good boundaries & self love because as I have said many times I am 8 years out of a divorce & STILL ended up with an EUM so SELF LOVE, SELF LOVE, SELF LOVE LADIES! With that comes the ability to have boundaries, see the red flags & act on them, be genuine, say how you really feel, not tolerate disrespect in any form, & to bail when needed!
how do you pick yourself up after all of this? I am so depressed. So hurt that I don’t matter enough to him, so hurt that my words even if i had said goodbye to him would have meant nothing. These men only care about one thing, themselves and their needs. I feel 100% responsible for ruining my life. I just wonder how the hell did this happen? They get to go on with their happy lives and I am left to pick up pieces of mine. I have to thank god everyday though that this is not going to go on for another minute. If i was in my 20s it would be a different story but right now I don’t have time to waste if i want to get married and have a family
i know how you feel, trust me I do.. I will tell you that you will get to a point where you turn the corner.. I changed my # when we first broke up.. he inquired about it, i gave him the pathetic reasons why, then gave him my new number. He didn’t even flinch as to my reasons I felt I had to.
Then 3 weeks ago, i paid 200 to get out of my current cell plan to switch to a provider who would allow you to block numbers.. I blocked him for about 12 hours, then unblocked him and lied to him that my phone had a clitch when he told me he tried to call.. No Contact is the way to go.. have you asked him to leave you alone?
Heartbroken, I felt EXACTLY like you. I didn’t care if I woke up in the morning. It was all I could do to go to work and pay the bills. I cried ALL the time. My friends and family were so worried about me. Let yourself feel all those things: sadness, anger, love, etc. It will be a rollercoaster for a few weeks then VERY GRADUALLY, you will start to feel better. You will realize that he DOESN’T care and is perfectly ok with his life and that will piss you off. I also told EVERYONE my story so that if I was tempted to do something, I had alot of people to talk me out of it. My biggest reason for staying NC and moving on was because I didn’t want to humilate myself anymore. I must have looked, to him, like some pathetic women who was there to f*ck while he was pursuing another girl: taking whatever scraps I could get from him, believing all his lies. I thought, no way, I’m smarter than that, shit I’m smarter than him. THAT’S WHAT KEEPS ME GOING AND MOVING FORWARD. I gave him everything I had to give, my heart, my head, my soul AND this is what he does to me?? That was my eye opener and last straw. NEVER AGAIN. Everyone’s is different and Sheila I’m soooo glad you got your eye opener. It is very freeing- you will have some down moments and sad moments but you are definately at big step one. When I would get sad or miss him, I always made myself think of my breaking point and that put it all into perspective. So, if you get to the mushy time, think about what a total prick he was about your divorce. It will make you feel better. I warned you, they aren’t all supportive about our divorces because I don’t think that is what they really want. We are much SAFER when we are married or separated. When I got divorced, I thought He’s going to be so thrilled because I finally am really single and it wasn’t anything like that. The first “emotional pull back” started the day I signed divorce papers. I just didn’t see it until later. But hang in there Sheila, YOU DO DESERVE BETTER.
You know I think the greatest thing about changing the phone number, and blocking his email is that i think as NML said I won’t be wondering if he will contact me or come back because I will never know. That gives you a freedom that I did not have before because I was always wondering will he come back. Is he just never going to contact me again. Well now I can’t wonder that! Which is so great because I think that wondering keeps you in it. You have really never let go. I have forced that upon myself. The next step is getting my buzzer disabled. Then if he comes here in the middle of the night I won’t even know and he will think i don’t want to see him. Which is IDEAL. Who knows maybe he won’t try to contact me but the beauty of this situation as it is now is that I will never know one way or the other! Now to getting through all the emotions I have been reluctant to feel while I was so consumed in this situation. That is gong to be the hard part. I was once a strong, beautiful girl. The one he was attracted to and this situation has belittled me to someone who is not respectable in his eyes. Time to rebuild!
Kim, I don’t know why the sex with these guys is sooo great but my EUM was my sexual soulmate. We were so compatible.I think it’s part of their game. But, I admit toward this end, when I had a feeling he was lying and things were so bad, it was good and of course comfortable but not fireworks like before. Now, I don’t think I could have sex with him. All my respect for him is gone. I am starting to feel pretty numb towards him which is good because I was getting tired of being mad and hurt. But honestly, they aren’t the only guys good in bed. I have learned in these last few weeks that we just have to open ourselves up to new possibilities and give different people a chance. Right now, just go out, meet people, people you wouldn’t normally give the time of day and be open to seeing life differently. Don’t go looking for your next husband, you will miss great fun and learning along the way. And yes, things will be different and maybe seem so out of your comfort zone but that doesn’t make it bad. There is life beyond EUMs!!!!
And I have realized that these men have no respect for us because we have no boundaries. We have no contact but then go back. Sheila- I did tell him once to never contact me again, but he does not listen. He waited a few weeks, then would come back. Actually called and then one night just showed up. What I say to him has no validity anymore because I have let him come back. So this time I just cut it all out. So in a few weeks if he ever decides to contact me he won’t be able to! And also another great thing is that when he emails me he doesn’t know that I didn’t get the email. So even better because it looks like i am rejecting him. I hope it happens- what a surprise for him. His fallback girl, the exciting sex he is not getting from home is GONE.
Heartbroken, you still are a strong, beautiful girl. Just let her back out. She’s in there I know. Just let yourself feel all the emotions, try to journal. I have never journaled in my life until one night I felt so alone and hurt. I started writing letters to my EUM in my journal. I asked him all the questions I didn’t have answers for. And I felt better. I look back at it now and it is a great reminder of how I don’t ever want to feel again. I feel so much stronger and like my old self from years ago before my EUM stripped me of all self esteem and security I had with myself. Hang in there my dear, the rollercoaster you’re going to on for the next few weeks is no worse than the one you’ve been on all this time. It may feel like it at times but you are going to have a much better life. One day at a time.
You are right- THEY THINK NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO TO US, WE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. It is partly our own faults and that’s why only we can change the situation. THey aren’t going to change it. Heartbroken, your man is living the dream. Married getting some on the side. Bet he’s the envy of all the guys!! But he’s a creep because it’s not fair to his wife or you. Don’t be the sex story he tells his buddies over beers!!! Let him find someone else for that. And eventually you won’t care who he’s screwing as long as it’s not you.
And trust me, Heartbroken, he’s still getting it at home. He’s not sleeping on the couch.
You are absolutely right Linda. I know more than anyone how hard no contact is but even over the weeks when i was trying to get myself out of this situation I found that I did not want to read this post because everyone including MYSELF was wondering will he contact me, will he come back. That is what we all really wanted to hear, that he would come back, so the bottom line was that we were not using NC in the right way. It was not that we were done. If we were we wouldn’t have cared one way or the other if he was contacting us or not. Like Gianyc said to me- stop analyzing and just do it. That is what we all have to do. STOP analyzing and just do it. Just be done. I want all of us to get there, because while we are all analyzing their every move they are just living their lives while we are obsessing. We have to just give it up. I want to just give it up. I want to be really loved. I want someone to be there for me and really care. I want someone to want to spend time with me and to one day have children with me. If we all honestly think about the men we are obsessing with on this site, can any of us honestly say that these men fit the above? I don’t think so.
Hi ladies-Omg all this great news!!!! So many of you guys went NC-good for you!! Linda welcome back! Good to hear you enjoyed your trip and Mr anti anxiety. Sometimes you gotta go with with your gut and do what feels right to you. Just as long as you’re in control of the situation then you have nothing to worry about.
Which leads me to where I am now..as you gals know I hooked up w my EUM last thursday breaking 6wks of NC..After that he was super attentive but yet smthng still didnt feel right. I felt the same, not a high nor a low, just blah. I also sensed he didnt change his ways much. Anyway a few days later I dumped him over dinner-FOR GOOD. You may be asking “Did he do something wrong, were you guys fighting??” No NC, no fighting, no arguing. After being w him one final time I KNEW he wasnt the one for me. No overwhelming feelings of adoring love on my end. The sex was good but not mind blowing, I guess bc all the time that went by it was almost as if I didnt know him anymore. So you see ladies I built him up to be more than what he really was. When your self esteem is low and you feel like shit its very easy to just settle and magnify someone into being smthng greater than they really are. My 6 wks of NC allowed me not only to clear my head but to see him w/o the rose tinted glasses. And when I finally got him I actually saw him for what he is. A little hurt,scared little boy caught in a man body. Last txt I got from him was yday and it said “I love and miss you very much” Ok. great-pass it on to the next bc I dont want that kinda love. Its scary that these guys actually think theyre loving us-are we that pathetic to them???
Linda you’re probably way far ahead than the rest of us-you are where we all aspire to be (tho I think Im almost there). You’re the example that there is life again and the pain is temporary. Im so proud of you!!!!
Heartbroken my HEART goes out to you. My gosh it sounds like you’re in utter pain. It will get better I promise you. Its unfortunate that you had to go through all this just to give urself piece of mind. It shows how badly you want to do this and how fed up you are with his shit. And I can guarantee you he WAS going to call you again unfortunately. So what you did was for the best. I bought “He’s not that into you and “Its called Broken up bc its Broken”- get it, read it. It helps. You’ll earn to smile and love again but first you have to love YOU. Trust me Ive been there. It will get better!!
Sheila, you’re doing FANTASTIC!!! It took you going for your divorce to see what what ur EUMS true colors are-you’re better off and you know that. LADIES ARENT YOU TIRED OF BEING TIRED????? I know I am/was!!! It gets to the point where is another argument going to make a difference, another tear??? Noooooooo. We’ve given these pricks all of us, the best of us and they didnt know what to do with it. Now let them figure out how to live w/o the cushion we provided them for so long. I love my EUM, care for him, feel bad for him but I realize he’s not ready for a GOREGOUS,SMART, VIBRANT woman like me. Sad part for him is when he’s ready chances are Ill have someone else’s last name already!!! Ladies we are so much better than those jerks. So as my life goes forward w/o my EUM I dont look @ it as an NC-I look @ it as he doesnt exist anymore. Lets keep up this positive spirit!
Good for you, GiaNYC, I was worried that you might jump back on the emotional rollercoaster! You are brave, courageous and incredibly strong. You are living proof that people around you can tell you what you should do until they are blue in the face, but YOU are the only one that can decide the road you will travel (or not travel!). We are all proud of you!
Well Gianyc I have solace in know that yes maybe he would call me again and if and when he does he will be really surprised. YAY for me and for us 🙂
I agree with Gia… “tired of being tired”. Tired of feeling down, tired of the anxiety, that highs, the lows, it’s draining. I have slept so good the past 2 nights.. no, I’m not out of the woods, but the anticipation and unknown is gone. I know what is going to happen.. nothing.. I cut him off. I can finally try to relax, stop looking at the phone, and stop trying to figure him out. I’m sure I’ll have bad days, but I will save a text message from my now ex-husband to remind me what a real guy is like..
Great job ladies!!!
So I am feeling every emotion in the book. Please tell me this does not take long to get through- it really sucks.
Gia thank you for the kind words. When I found this site, I never thought I would be an inspiration but I’ll take it. Yes, I am in complete control of the Mr. anti Anxiety situation. I had a great fun, did new things (my ex husband is a CPA, my ex EUM is in a motorcycle club and Mr anti Anxiety is a musician), so those 3 worlds are completely different. So, I got to hang out with the a whole new crowd which was entertaining and a learning experience. So, he knows my situation and he is actually in the same one (his girlfriend dumped him in Jan) We talked about all that shit and I told him that I liked him, have fun with him and that’s it. No strings, no commitments, I don’t love him and I don’t want to marry him. He’s fun and we connect on some levels and maybe we met to help both of us to move on (just not with each other). Maybe I’m his stepping stone, too. And right now, that’s great. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again and I’m certainly not going to pass up any dates when the time is right. But, girls, I NEVER thought I would feel pretty or funny or SEXY again. I contributed that to my EUM making me feel that way!!!! NOOOOOO it’s not them. It’s how you feel about yourself. Ladies, I had some great sex which I still can’t believe (as much as I can’t believe I’m telling you all that). But I want you all to know, great sex can happen after your EUM!!!! And Gia, I’m so glad you realized ON YOUR OWN what a f*ck he is. I think you are totally on your way. When you wish them happiness and just don’t care, you know you’re going to be ok. Ever now and then, I still hope my ex EUM’s d*ck falls off, but I don’t want to cut it off myself anymore. Ladies, I can honestly say I don’t want to hear from him and I don’t want to know what he is doing anymore. Yes, I was like all of you wanting to hear from him and wondering what he was doing and letting him control my life (even when he was out of it). Those feelings will go away…..I promise!!!
Gia is right get the book. It’s very good. Also I suggest Men Who Can’t Love. It is also wonderful.
Sheila, I think you finally saw the light and I am so proud of you. We all see it at some point and it may be something as small as what happened to you. You and I share the same experience with our ex husbands. I saw what a truly great man mine was and I will never say a horrible word against him. We are still friends and I wish all the best to him. That really sucks and you will need a little time to work through those feelings. I don’t care how long you’ve been separated or who wants the divorce, it is so emotional when you actually sign the papers and walk out of that courthouse and the time that follows. Take your time and work through some of that. But keep the EUM gone. No matter what emotions you go through. I had my EUM when I signed papers and he was ok about it but all the emotions catch up to you. I put my divorce emotions deep inside bc I was “in love” with EUM. When we finally broke up this last time, I found out divorce issues were still creeping onto my emotional rollercoaster. I am so very proud of you though and just keep the NC and I promise it will get better.
Heartbroken, my heart goes out to you. When I read your words, I can remember like it was only yesterday all those feelings. It is going to be the worse thing you will ever go thru. I don’t mean to scare you or bring you down but it was the worse thing I have dealt with in my 40+ years. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to make it thru. YOU ARE. I did. Don’t let yourself wallow that long. Set a date. Say 1-2 weeks, then promise yourself you are going to start living again. You will have to force yourself but do it. My only regret is that I didn’t force myself to live again sooner. My friends and family were great but they couldn’t hold guns to my head to make me do things (they should have though). I sat in my house in my own little world scubbing walls and working on projects and crying the whole time. If you can, don’t do that. Force yourself to go out with your friends (they will understand that you aren’t going to be the life of the party) go for walks, go to the mall. Every weekend, my mother would pick me up and make me go to the mall (it was the mall or the nuthouse). So don’t turn anything down. GO, get out, see that the world didn’t stop b/c we’ve had our hearts broken. Broken hearts happen many times every day and everyone lives through it. I know I probably sound like I don’t understand how you feel, but honey, that’s the beauty of it, I know exactly and I’ve been there. I wish I could put a timeframe on the hurt but I am 7 weeks NC tomorrow and sometimes I still hurt. It’s just not as intense and since I’ve closed that door and will NEVER travel his road again (by MY choice), why bother with feeling sad or hurt or angry anymore?? When it becomes your choice, you get over it easier and faster. I think Gia is going to find that out very shortly.Again, I was so lucky that 3 weeks into NC, I HAD to go away for business and I was with friends, so I knew I wouldn’t get away with wallowing that weekend. And that time and those friends saved my emotional life. And I sent them thank you cards for it. And it’s the biggest reason, I am where I am today. So, that’s why I suggest that you start reliving again ASAP. It will speed up the healing process. It’s hard – you will have to force yourself, but you will find yourself laughing and feeling better about YOU sooner. Keep posting and know we are all here for you.
I am in hell. He buzzed my apt at 2 am this morning. It took ALL of me not to answer. He is relentless
Heartbroken.. I thought you removed the buzzer so it didnt’ work? Is this the first time you did not answer? If so, you are one step closer to getting where you want to be.. You will get there and once you are, it wont’ be that difficult to cut them off. I was struggling with cutting off my EUM for the last 2.5 months.. STRUGGLING..
Like i said, changed my number, phone plan, blocked his number.. but in the end I was not ready to do it.. He has texted me 3 times and called once in the past 3 days.. IGNORE!!!! This is the first time I have done ever.. and guess what? it’s long fking over due!!!!
You will get there.. Get that book that Gia suggested.. “it’s called a break up b/c it’s broken” or “he’s just not that into you”.. it will open your eyes to the reality of what is going on..
good luck, hang in there
Sheila Good for you. You sound so strong now. That’s wonderful. I knew you could do it. Stay strong. Yes, Heartbroken you are in hell right now but you will get out of and you should be very proud of not answering last night. For all of us, you will find out that baby steps are actually huge steps and you took your first. It will good in a few days. Stay strong. When you’re tempted, just think about what a f*ck he is and that he has a wife!!! How selfish is. Think of all the horrible things, that helped me. Don’t let your mind go down the “how wonderful” road because it’s all an illusion. Remove yourself and look at the situation as we all see it. Stay strong and be proud of your first steps out of hell.
Heartbroken.. give me the brief run down of this EUM in your life..
Hi Ladies,
Update: My EUM txt me last nite @ 11pm saying “Baby can we be amicable”? What does he mean by that??? Mind you after hooking up last Thursday I’m the one who broke it up with him for good. I havent spoken to him since Monday..after ending it on Monday I didnt see a reason to continue talking..no I didnt pull an NC-to me he’s just a regular guy that I’ll talk to whenever.. Now I see a pattern bc Thursday nites seem to be his nites of choice. Now wtf!!! Now you want to be amicable and be good?? When I FINALLY got you out of my life and actually feel half way normal!!! You sure as hell wasnt caring about us being amicable when we were together!!! Especially after he got his ONE shot after 6wks to show me he changed and all he did was act like his normal EUM self. So now he’s seeing that I mean business and wants to weasel himself back in my life..Ladies he didnt get an answer…im not even interested in talking to him..I had my fill of him already. Also after finishing “He’s not that into you” last nite its so obvious to see what my EUM is trying to do to me. Also summer is coming upon us in NYC he wants to make sure his steady piece of sex from the past yr is still around..nothing worst than looking for a bed partner in the summer. It’s easy to find BUT how many women is he going to find that actually loved him and would always let him in??? Not many…Oh well its his loss..
Gia
Good for you. Can we be amicable is the same as can we be friends?? Which in their terms means can I leave the door open in case I can’t find something else or in case I want to screw. I heard the can we be friends, too. My response was why be friends now?? You haven’t been my friend in the last 6 months and we were dating. No, we can’t be friends. We will never be friends again. So, good for you not answering. That doesn’t even deserve a response. I’m sure you have enough friends and you don’t need him as another one. And definately his loss- You go girl, you’re awesome.
The “friend” concept is such a copout. It’s their way of not having to be the “bad guy” because they’ve thrown you the “friend” bone. My EUM is still trying to have a “friend” relationship with me, and it’s a joke because he never takes any initiative to hang out, and if he does make any effort to get together with me, I turn him down. I’m waiting for him to finally get the hint and move on, but as we know, they keep buzzing around like an annoying horse fly! I see absolutely no point in being friends with these men–there is nothing in it for us, and all it does is give them the satisfaction of thinking “see what a great guy I am, we are going to be friends, so I’m not an a@@hole.” New Rule: Never be friends with an ex-EUM.
Ok ladies I just had an emotional moment. I guess this is all part of the healing process bc just when I think Ive taken 2 steps forward I go to steps back…I went out last nite for drinks, dinner and dancing. I looked amazing, goregous, confident-then what did I go ahead and do????? I txt my EUM. No it wasnt a drunken text but more a response to his “Baby can we be amicable”? txt..I write “What do you want to do?” I said it partly to see what he would say as if to spell out I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. Well ladies he never responded all nite.. I broke down in tears this morning. (The first time I cried since I NCd him in early March). I dont know why I cried bc its not as if he never did not respond to a txt of mine. But I cried bc Im emotionally exhausted!!!! Going on 8wks of leaving him and Ive went thru a 6wk NC, hooked up w him once, now back to this emotional txt volleyball. Why do I need to know what he meant by amicable??? This guy always tells me he cant just be my friend so I dont think he wants to be friends that he would strangle me if he sees me with another man in a bar,restaurant,or club. I think he’s testing the waters to see if I was still upset with over him our last confrontation where I dumped him. Why cant he leave me alone??? Why do I keep relapsing ladies?? Im trying and I think Ive come a long way but damn this is hard!!!! Ive met so many guys since I left my EUM but none have done it for me. Im an addict and my EUM is my dealer who keeps hanging around. Ladies why wont he just leave me alone??? Sorry , I dont mean to make this look like its not possible to heal-it is but its damn hard!!! I have my strong days and my weak days-last nite and today is a weak day-a daily struggle to get emotionally healthy. And I know by sending a response last nite Ive left the door open for him to come back and say smthng to me. Ladies please dont give up on me, I will get better. For all of you who are staying stronger than me Im proud of you..
There are sooo many other women my EUM can have..why keep bothering me??? Please ladies help the usual strong GiaNYC snap out of it!
Gia – I’m really sorry you are going through this. I have been there – like many of the readers of this blog. It sounds to me like it’s an issue of control for him. He likes to see that he can get you to respond and once you do – he’s had his ego stroked. He’s gotten what he needs – knowledge that he can get you to respond. His contacting you is not about you – it’s about him.
There certainly are other women that he can have – but I bet he doesn’t have the same hold on them. Believe me – he’s probably contacting them too, probably even dating them.
I’ve gone through a very similar thing with my ex EUM. Almost exact. After months of no contact, the texts and emails started. I’d feel my esteem start to dip when he wouldn’t respond and rise when he would. Then – I just got tired of it. I saw with open eyes what he was doing. I saw how far I’d come and I liked that person a heck of a lot more than the person I was when I was with him.
Think of him as junk food for you. It is quick, can be easy to get, tastes good when it touches the tongue – but five hours later – you feel awful and regret eating it. And you think of all the calories you will have to either burn or cut back on to get back where you were. That’s what this guy is for you.
I’ve still not met anyone to date since my EUM, save a couple other EUMs that I started to fall for, realized they were my usual “prototype” so I backed off. But – I’m fine with it. Better alone and secure than up and down with my ex EUM.
Good luck – try, try, try to stay away. Keep the focus on number one – YOU!
Gia
This whole thing is soooo very hard. I think the first thing YOU have to do is close the door. Tell yourself NO MATTER what, I will not go down that road again. When I feel like texting or talking or missing my EUM, I just think of all the horrible things he has done to me – stripping my self esteem, making me so insecure, dumping me so many times and finally cheating. Do I want that in my life?? NO. Do I want to humiliate myself yet again?? NO. Do I want him to think he’s won?? NO. That’s what I feel like if I would give in and have contact!! He would win, he would think “I knew eventually she would give in because I’m all that.” I REFUSE TO GIVE HIM THAT SATISFACTION!!! I know it’s not a game but that’s how I’ve thought of it to get me thru. As far as other guys, you really don’t give anyone else a chance as long as you let EUM still in your life. I think once YOU decide that EUM is not coming back because YOU don’t want him back, you can open yourself up to others. There is NOTHING that my EUM can say or do that I would want him back. He’s lost all my respect and his words mean nothing to me now. He’s said them all before and look where I’m at. Why would I want to go back with him? Just to wait for him to dump me again. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and I don’t want to live like that. Remember the saying “No boy is worth crying over and the one that is won’t make you cry”. I know it’s hard to give someone else a chance but you have to force yourself and don’t look at every guy as your next boyfriend. Look at them as fun, someone to laugh with, stroke your ego and be your baby step forward. AND WHO KNOWS?? You never know. At first, I was comparing Mr. anti Anxiety with my EUM but then I thought that was so unfair to me and to him, so I started looking at the things I like about him- he makes me laugh, he’s very sweet, kind, considerate- he showed interest in my life. You have to look at it as an experience, learn something new, make a new friend. And guess what, he’s a great kisser. Never thought I would enjoy kissing someone else. Just gotta open your mind to something and push EUM out. He doesn’t deserve YOU or your tears. And sweetie, he’s keeps bothering you because you allow him to. So you had a mini set back- we all do. Starting now you are back to strong, sexy, moving on with my life Gia!!!!!
Hi Ladies,
Thanks for your positive feedback. I feel somewhat better today. He’s becoming a distant memory. It scares me that I allowed someone to penetrate my defenses this deeply. My EUM doesn’t and never loved me-I woke up this morning with that realization. Before I thought he did love me but it was dysfunctional love, now I realize its not love @ all-he’s only using me to fulfill his emotions when he’s feeling insecure. It sucks but I have to go through the motions. Somedays I am stronger than others-this wknd was a weak one. Who wouldve thought that answering his txt would set me back emotionally this far?? I feel worst than when I did sleep w him 2wks ago when I broke the NC. Ashley you’re so right its not about me-its about him. The same feeling Im experiencing right now is the same feeling he experiences when I dont answer his txt and since I responded, he’s now satisfied bc that means to him in some weird way Im still around. I love the junk food analogy, omg it’s so true!!! The euphoria you experience with your EUM is so temporary..and even when you’re having good times with them its hard to relax bc you KNOW another bomb is right around the corner. Ladies Im leaving it as it is. Again it’s a daily struggle and some days you will read a posting from me where Im strong and self assured and other postings where its just so painful and dreary. Im upset w myself for answering (although it wasnt an embarrassing txt) bc now the door is open for him to come back all bc I opened it. I guess its what I deserve for answering. I pray everyday that I will go back to normal to the woman I was 2yrs ago before I allowed this man into my life. I can do it- I know I can.. Linda you’re such an inspiration, I hope to get to where you are one day. It will be such a sense of relief when I can love again freely w/o wondering if how my EUM would feel or getting ‘caught’ on a date w someone else by my EUM. Its crazy but he has me brainwashed to the point where Im watching over my back thinking I will see him and he see me w someone else. I dont want to be that woman in his phonebook where he can just call when he gets lonely or insecure. I wish he would leave me alone..I havent heard from him since Thursday nite when he txt-lets just hope ladies that its the last I will ever hear from him..besides dont theseEUMS get tired and bail out??? I get worried bc I read some of the blogs where these kindve relationships can last for yrs and yrs. But in the end I have the power to cut him off for good and it only lasts as long as we let it last..
And on the lighter side-my EUM is NOT even good looking!!! Im soooo much more physically attractive than he is. But he’s so charasmatic and charming…oh yeah and insecure. I wasnt attracted to him @ all when we first met. Ughh isnt that always the case?? lol
Oh Gia, you are making me laugh. I remember in the beginning thinking that my EUM wasn’t even cute either. Maybe that’s why they are so into us, to take the focus off of how not cute they are. I am far better looking than him, too. I look way younger than him (we’re the same age) – everyone has told me that so many times. I don’t know when it happens, but all of a sudden, they are Brad Pitts’ in our eyes. Yikes. My girlfriend always told me just because you think he’s cute, not everyone will. Maybe they overcompensate with sweetness in the beginning because they are that insecure about their looks. Doesn’t matter, still losers.
Gia, I have had it a bit easier than you. My EUM has left me alone other than being plastered all over the internet when I’m online. But I am not tempted anymore. Some days I still want to say F*CK OFF but it’s not worth the 30 seconds of satisfaction. Then I know I will feel like I gave in and he can literally do anything to me and I will still show emotion. With them, it doesn’t matter what kind of emotion you show, it is still attention. I don’t want mine to get any of that.
You will do it. I know you will. Get him out and open your mind to new things, different things with different guys. Different doesn’t always mean bad. Different can be very good. When I was in Chicago, Mr anti Anxiety and I went to the bar that where we met and I was so flattered that the waitress and the hostess remembered me. Mr anti Anxiety is the celebrity there and they both came up to me and welcomed me back and it became a joke between him and I. And that was fun. Stupid little things, you will learn to appreciate until you’re ready for a true relationship. Just be open to new. Mr. anti Anxiety is a musician and it’s not music I would normally be into, but it was a learning experience and it unded up be fun. I even downloaded a few songs he performed for me at the bar. OPEN MIND- it’s not the rest of my life. It’s just the here and now. Live in this moment. I just got a call from a friend – her husband died last night of a heart attack in his sleep – 51 years old. It puts it in perspective. Enjoy life and if people don’t treat you right- GOODBYE!!!
Keep up the good work
Gia, I know I shouldn’t laugh but the “Baby can we be amicable” text was on a par with my something my EUM said. We had met up 7 weeks ago before I started the NC and we were chatting things through to see if we could save our relationship, he said “We should act like adults in all this” and I turned and replied “Well, one of us will.”
I pluckered up the courage to tell him in not so many words that he was a child, a 39 year old one at that.
If I can smile it has to be at my quick-witted retort to which he had no reply.
I am now on over 7 weeks of NC and he has texted a few times but I think he has the message now, I will not be trodden upon or there where he wants me.
Hi Ladies.. seems everyone is getting stronger.. I am now in Day 6 of NC.. and I feel great. I have avoided 3 texts and one phonecall but as you all know, sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. He tried to contact me on Tuesday, Wed, and Thursday and then Friday nothing. (he is now away til Wednesday ) Well once Friday passed , I woke up Saturday with a weird feeling. “Was cutting him off cold, too drastic?”, “did i owe him a reason for ignoring him?”.. “he isn’t chasing me, maybe i should call him and talk to him”.. yes.. i was thinking that but yes, it passed.. All I kept thinking of was all the times he let me down, the most recent being the nail in the coffin. Like I said, my anxiety is gone, I wake up in the morning and feel better, bc there is no anticipation or p0ssibility of antoher let down. I’m only entering week 1 and like I said, he is on vaca til Wednesday, but so far so good. What do I really think about this whole thing? How can someone that I was just with over last w/e and have been talking to daily, not want to know why I will not take their calls? If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have left several messages all saying the same thing.. “what the hell is going on, call me!!!”
3 text messages ( cop out) and one call w/o a message.. Someone goes radio silent on you and you don’t even want to know why? I know the point of NC is to rid them of your life, but his true colors are really coming out.. He either doesn’t give a sht or knows the reason I’m cutting him off, and like all EUM is avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.. He does not want to know what i have to say to him, and deep down he knows the reason. It hurts that that he doesn’t care, that is honest. He is currently away with our mutual friend, Jimmy, who knows how I feel about his most recent actions. I’m sure during 4 days in Mexico, it will come up. Let him tell him, why I’m finally done with his sorry ass!!!
Sheila- good for you. You will get stronger everyday and those thoughts about how he’s treated you will keep you strong. And NO you don’t owe him any explanation. They can come and go in and out of our lives without explanation, so we’ve earned the right to do the same. So, stay strong and DON’T even talk to Jimmy when they get back. You don’t need to know what was said. He’s gone by your choice. Keep it that way. Stay strong- you can do this.
Hey ladies, I just finished both books hes just not that into you and its called broken up bc its broken-READ THEM BOTH!!!! Im @ peace tonite..content..I saw my EUM @ the office today in the elevator (for those who dont know we work for the same company). It was awkward and I ignored him in the elevator and he did all he could to get me to talk to him. It was so tense that someone made a comment about the tension. Anyway he txt me soon after and asked me to see him in our building lobby-and yes I went. Im just being honest ladies!!!! And I looked @ him he had a huge white pimple on his forehead and I was like eeeewww this is the man Im crazy for??? Anyway he asked me the same ole questions “are you dating someone else, sleeping w someone else??? I basically repeated myself and said its none of his business. Ladies its so tiring! Gosh Im getting to the point where ughh enough already! His looks, voice and overall pkg is so irritating. So after reading my books Im ok-@ peace. So Im optimistic and for once in a long time I think I will be ok-bravo…one day @ a time….Oh yeah just bc we may fall back and break NC doesnt mean we cant get on that horse again.
As the books say I am a SUPER FOX!!!! And oh yeah way my EUM knows Im too good for him and im slowly realizing it too…stay strong ladies!
Gia I am so happy for you. It’s a great place to be. Well done you. I saw my EUM last night and for the first time saw him for what he really is. A self absorbed mummy’s boy.
Ladies can I tell you the mornings are soooooooo difficult!!! He’s the first thing I think of. During the nite and and day im really good about not thinking of him but mornings are painful…tell me it will get better..
Ok guys – I never understood how hard it way for the NCR because my EUM never tried to contact me after the break up until TODAY!!!!! I am dying here & now I understand what it is like. I know his relationship with his “new” girl may be faltering & so it’s the “fallback” girl to the resucue! Either that or he needs some help with his divorce & uses me that way! Or is it help with trades? Could be any of the 3! I’M NOT RESPONDING! I”M NOT RESPONDING! I”M NOT RESPONDING!
Kim.. how long has it been? how did he reach out to you?
Gia.. the mornings are probably a result of the recent contact.. i will assume that will pass as soon as the NC goes back into action.. WE never feel better off w/o them, but we see we are after a set back that brings us right back to anxiey, sleepless nights, and obsessing over the damn phone.. Gia, you’ll be fine, just don’t initate, and don’t respond..
I’m on Day 7… i know the worst isn’t over..
Sheila – it has been 2 months & I just recieved a text asking if my email address had been changed as his got bounced back as “undeliverable”. He is on my mind daily. He is supposedly dating someone else but is separated & going through a divorce.
oh.. doesn’t that feel good?????????? LOL
did he file for divorce yet?
No. It has been a yr & a 1/2 & they supposedly want to do the ‘dissolution” thing. Neither has ever filed a thing. She moved out a month after he looked me up. I had heard they had no relationship for 2 years. Didn’t speak unless they had to. They don’t sit together at kids events etc. I believe he will get divorced but he looked me up (25 years later – we dated in college) cause he heard I never got over him. He fed me sh*t lines how he never got over me, wanted a future, was the typical EUM blowing hot & cold when I would reciprocate & dumped me for some other girl & lied about it & cheated on her with me! Loser! The real shitty part is my ex left me 8 years ago for someone 15 years younger! The girl got pregnant before we were ever divorced. My EUM looks me up 25 years later & he is coaching guess who? My ex husbands illegitimate son in football! Talk about a f****d up situation! I am trying real hard not to respond. I know he just wants something or his new girlfriend is prob giving him problems. I heard his wife had an affair & left him because he was EUM to her! Of course that isn’t his version of the story. He says she is just insecure dont ya know! Shocking huh? LOL
“dissolution” my azzzzzzzzzzzzz.. he is just like all the rest of them.. a coward!!!! They buzz thru life only living day to day, never thinking about their future and give you every excuse in the book why they can’t file. All the while these stand-up guys, pour out loads of crap to every woman they meet, cheat on their wives, but dont’ go back and don’t file.. WIMPS!!!!!
My EUM has been talking about his unhappy marriage and getting div since I met him in 2003.. well he finally did move out (thanks to me), but now can’t pull the plug. But he’s been doing the “divorce bark” up every tree in town, to get women to sleep with him, due to his unhappy marriage and the fact that he is leaving.
Seriously.. I’m almost embarssed I believed it.. My only saving grace is that he did finally move out with me.. I guess my turn has ended, b/c now he hasn’t filed and feels guilty.. WHAT A FKING LAUGH.. guilty.. I feel guilty for associating myself with such and “unreal” man.
my thought for today.. ;-0
Truly. He is now sucking this new girl in with his lines! Her my space actually says she is “married” (she isn’t just thinks he is “the one”) & her song is “Betterman”. He fed me the same line that it was his favorite song because I made him a “Betterman”. Ha! It is laughable! Meanwhile he is shagging every woman in town & says his friends are living vicariously through him! Even told some lady he wasn’t married! & he’s STILL texting/emailing me when I am miles away out of state! Sad part is I fell for it all! Been lonely too long I guess. I know better now! Like Astelle says – hate to call them “men” Sheila!
Omg-Kim!!! Talk about drama-your EUM screams DRAMA!!! Doesnt it feel good to know now hes the one looking for you??? Not that you want him anymore but revenge is sweet as they say. What a loser!!! Its true being alone does take its toll and after a while desperation makes us do desperate things like sleep w our EUMS…today was a good day..didnt think of my EUM much as work was hectic and my sister is having her own marital issues that make mine look like a walk in the park. Its crazy sometimes your life is put into prospective after you realize other people have REAL problems compared to your own (i.e, lack of sleep over a dick). I pray the morning the morning doesnt fine me depressed, although its only temporary-once i jump in the shower its washed away..the pain is starting to dull itself somewhat…i also started a journal today-wow it felt good to write…I wrote 2 columns pro/cons of my r’ship w my EUM. You know what?? Only 2 Pros-sex & companionship…Cons??? Omg countless!!!!! Boy was I an idiot for love. On another good note I changed Blackberrys today and all my EUMs recent txts and calls are now gone!!! I have a new BB and hopefully my EUM wont taint it w a txt or phone call. Sheila BRAVO 7days!!!! You’re awesome-keep it up!!! Kim what are you going to do??? Are you over him??? Katherine what happened when you saw your EUM??
Oh ladies 59 days left in my He-tox-BRAVO lol!!
Hi Gia – Basically I see him a couple of nights a week at an activity we both do (bell ringing). Mon night was a ‘I can’t be bothered to talk’ night, so I pretty much got on with it and chatted to other people. This annoyed him no end (lack of attention). I imagine next time he’ll be all over me to make sure he’s still ‘got me,’ but he’ll get no response. There are other people there who are far more worthy of my time!
GiaNYC – It sounds like you are making progress. It does get better with time even though there are days it doesn’t seem that way. I was depressed for so long. Thru this site & talking to others such as yourself I have gained strength. You asked if I am over him. I never was from 25 years ago. I moved on but never found anyone that I shared such a connection & chemistry with even in my marriage. We had a great physical realtionship back in college when we were both single. My marriage to my ex husband was actually a rebound from this guy so for him to look me up 25 years later & come back into my life I truly thought was fate. After seeing him in a “true” light & after what he did to me I realized it was the “fantasy” I was in love with & not who he truly is. NML tried to tell me that & it just sank in. I think if we all get real with ourselves we will realize it is who we “want” them to be that is hard to let go of. When they are “reeling” us in that isn’t who they are because it is based on lies. It hurt so much to come to that realization because now all of the good memories I had of him are gone. Now everytime I think of him I see someone that used me to get over his bruised ego from his failed marriage, someone who bragged to his friends about the sex he was getting from his “long distance” chick, someone that fed me every line in the book so I would engage against my better judgement. He worked on me for months before I agreed to meet him. Based on our past I trusted him & opened my heart & that was hard to do especially after a messy divorce. Both of our spouses had affairs so he knew 1st hand what that felt like yet did the same thing to me. Told me he could never do that because you have to be able to look in the mirror. Apparently he has a different mirror because he lied & cheated on me as well as the girl he is with now! At the end of the day he was not the man then or now that I thought he was. I used to have pity parties for myself & I now I pitty him. There is so much more to a relationship than “fun” & “sex” & that was all he wanted. Everything else was just “too much”. When he broke it off with me he had the nerve to tell me that we always did & always will have a great physical relationship but he wants more than that & doesnt think he can give me what I need. Is that the line to end all lines or what? He wants more than physical? We always WILL have a great physical realtionship. Obviusly he is assuming he is so great in that dept that I will give it up to him whenever he sees fit in the future. No ego there huh? His need for ego stroking was the biggest thing I could not get past. 25 years later I was a “fallback”, a plan “B”. I am 43 years old & was so ready for a relationship. I just wanted companionship & to be a compliment to someones life. I never pressured him for a commitment. Unless you consider some type of regular communication a commitment. That is the thing with these guys & why it will never work because what you get from them will ALWAYS be on their terms, when they feel like giving it, & how much they feel like giving. How can that ever work? IT TAKES TWO. He said all the right things but when it came down to it he could not or would not deliver. I have come to realize that as much as we have all been thru so much pain, we need to also realize that these men can NEVER give anyone anymore than what THEY feel is necessary. It isn’t just us. I tormented myself for weeks thinking this new girl means more to him than me because he hid me from everyone for a year under the guise of not wanting anyone to know he was dating someone “out of state”. Then he legitimizes this new girl to everyone within weeks of meeting her. She is only there like Astelle said to fill a purpose. To fufill his “facade”of a great relationship. To be there when HE wants. He will not give any more to her than he did me or his wife. When it gets difficult with her he will just move on to someone else or keep blowing hot to get what he wants. It isn’t us ladies. IT IS THEM! Once we get wise to it. It is liberating! I am getting over him. He really missed out!
These EUMS are bugaboos they never really leave..its like they hide underneath a rock for months, maybe yrs then come out again when they’re hungry. Kim are you going to give ur EUM the time of day now? Or ignore him??? My goodness hes got a wife and a girlfriend!! He must really think highly of himself!
EUM who? LOL Nope – he isn’t worthy of it after all he put me threw. By the way – he considers himself single don’t ya know. As he told me early on “my friends think I’m the new town whore because i am single & have a Hummer”. Uh – you aren’t single. He says he is getting divorced. That was a over a year ago. Find someone else to use. It ain’t gonna be me no more!
By the way – he justifies his liasons because his wife had an affair. He couldnt TAKE it when she did even though he was an EUM to her as well. His ego is so fragile don’t ya know. That is how he justifies his actions.
Yikes, Kim your EUM is way EUM for it sounds like a very long time. Good for you getting away from that. The basics are all the same for them all. It’s amazing. The rushing in – us being the best thing they have ever been with, etc. Maybe the sex isn’t as good as we think. Maybe it’s just because they have reeled us in so far that we THINK the sex is all that. It’s amazing that they all have the same MO- same death different weapon. I can’t believe people can get so f*cked up emationally.
Gia, you are doing so great. The morning thing does go away. It has been awhile now that I don’t instantly wake up, eyes wide open, thinking of him, getting that pit in my stomach. That will go away. I don’t think about him as much as I used to but damn, he still creeps into my thoughts too much. It is very hard sometimes. It’s not that I want him back or even want him to contact me or me him, it’s like Kim said, I miss the guy I fell in love with except that wasn’t really even him. It’s all so disappointing. I think that’s part of the worse part- the let down. Him, the relationship, everything about it is a let down. I think part of my problem this week is that we were supposed to be leaving for vacation together right about now. I’m not really depressed or down. I’m not sure what I feel. Just that this week he’s crept into my thoughts a little more than usual. But don’t worry, I so have no desire to call, text, email- NC – this Fri is 8 weeks NC for me. I think the thing I am most proud about is that I still have his email and IM blocked to automatically delete, so I really don’t know if he’s tried to contact me or not. That’s a good feeling.
Sheila, good job with the NC. Are you still feeling good?? I know he gets home today. Stay strong. It’s one day at a time. You are going to break your NC record this time, I know it. And once you do that, it will get easier.
Linda.. I think he came back yesterday. not confirmed but i’m almost positive.. Little anxiety last night and this morning was a little difficult but not terrible.. The next week will be hard.. I started the NC 4 days before he left and 3 of those days he contacted me and I didnt’ respond..so this is the real test… I have mixed feelings.. I’m sad that he doesn’t give a shit to find out why I haven’t reached out to him or why I won’t take his calls..mind you i have been in contact with him every day the past month and have been seeing him about twice a week.. But as hurt as I am and as hard as it is.. I think about all the times he hurt me, the last time, not reaching out to me the night before my court date. That one really stings..and makes me see him for who he really is.. Today will be tough.. but there is no way i am contacting him, ever!!! If he can walk away with any reasons or explanation, he will confirm my decision. I;ll need support the next week girls!!!
Day 9 NC
wow.. today is tough.. feel like I’m back to Day 1.. it’s not worse than the last 4 months of let downs, crying, anxiety, and false hope though but… still tough…
Linda – I can so relate. He is on my mind often but it is more the disappointment of it all that hurts. Somes days are worse than others. I believe he is on vacation as well right now with his new catch so I am having some ill feelings also. The recent text from him didn’t help much. His email was also returned as “undeliverable” but I find myself wondering why he emailed me.
My mind goes off into la la land thinking he’s obviously thinking of me to text me. Does he miss what we had? Does he regret leaving? Maybe this new girl isn’t all that. Then I come back to reality & know that he either needs help with something or needs his ego stroked. I have SO many emails & texts that could nail his a** with his new girlfriend & his wife. I chose to take the high road but sometimes regret not confronting all of them. He was seeing me & this new girl at the same time. I wanted to spare her what he put me through & show her all of the texts /emails he sent me after they met asking me to still hook up. I didn’t think he deserved to be happy after pursuing me like he did, sucking me in, lying & cheating, then doing it to someone else.
Sheila – hang in there. I ended up just responding back to his text saying “I didnt change my email address” but now I even regret that. Stay strong. It is a vicious cycle if you don’t end it!
Sheila, He doesn’t believe that he will never talk to you again, yet. He just thinks that this is another week long NC but unfortunately he doesn’t care. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I think the same thing but it is BETTER not to hear from them. After the initial shock that they don’t care, it makes it easier not to know what is going on in their lives.You will get thru this week and we’ll be here for you.
Kim, I wanted to do the same thing as you but not to spare the new girl but just to f*ck him but you have to remember that the new girls probably won’t believe us let alone the guys explanations that we are just jealous exes. I wouldn’t have believed anyone in the beginning if someone told me he was an a**. Our satisfaction comes with the fact that WE KNOW WHAT THESE GIRLS ARE GETTING. We know that when it comes to crunch time, he’ll run. I don’t want to see anyone hurt like I did, but it’s not my responsibility or my problem to help her. And who knows, just because we thought these guys were all that doesn’t mean the next girl will. Maybe the EUMs will get dumped which of course would be the best revenge for me without having to do anything.
I am in somewhat the same situation in that my EUM started seeing someone new right after his long term gf finally broke up with him. He never wanted to be with me, but I was good enough to be his “best friend” and to hookup with. The thing is, he tells me how he is unhappy all the time. That they have nothing in common, they hardly see each other, and that she is a boring homebody with no other interests other than sitting at home. I know her and while I don’t know the intricacies of their relationship, I can attest to her being the most boring and socially inept person I have ever met. Regardless, he chose to be with her and continues to be with her. And the thing that I just cannot wrap my head around is how he can stay with that when he had the opportunity to be with me. The person that he tells is his best friend, his soulmate, etc.
He has a guilt complex, to which he has admitted to. And he won’t break up with her. Every time I ask why, he just says, “i don’t know”. Now he says that he is scared because every relationship he has ever been in has been shit, and that is one of the reasons that he can’t be with me. Because he is so scared that our friendship will be ruined forever and that he can’t bear that. He would rather we stop the hooking up to salvage our friendship. Do I believe that? I don’t know because we always end up hooking up. Maybe I am just too dumb to realize that he does not want a relationship with me and I need to just accept that. I just do not understand how he can stay in another relationship that is so dysfuntional instead of want to be with me. It has completely torn apart my self esteem. The only thing that I believe is that I was (am) not good enough for a relationship. I am not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, just plain not good enough (even though he tells me I am beautiful and perfect)…..how can it not be me when he can be available to others but not me, even though i am the “most important person” in his life? So confused….and miserable……
so I have not been on in a while. Last thing i wrote was that i changed my number and blocked my email and he came by anyway. I ignored it but unfortunately the second night i let him in. He could not believe i changed my number because of him and said i was too sensitive- probably thinking i changed my number because he did not talk to me for two weeks. Anyway he ended up staying for quite a while. He left and never asked for my new number. And it all hit me right then. This man does not even care if he talks to me until the next time he wants to come around my place. That was it. That was the turning point for me. It just ended in my mind. I emailed him today to tell him to never come by again. That this wasn’t for me. It was actually a nice email because i figured if he thought i was mad he would think i was ending it for that reason and he could always come back. The weird thing is that i am not devastated. It is really weird. It is kind of freaking me out a bit. I think something just clicked and i am over it. I think i felt soooo low for both letting him in and him not asking for the number. I think I hit bottom. I really believe this is finally it. I am ok
so I have not been on in a while. Last thing i wrote was that i changed my number and blocked my email and he came by anyway. I ignored it but unfortunately the second night i let him in. He could not believe i changed my number because of him and said i was too sensitive- probably thinking i changed my number because he did not talk to me for two weeks. Anyway he ended up staying for quite a while. He left and never asked for my new number. And it all hit me right then. This man does not even care if he talks to me until the next time he wants to come around my place. That was it. That was the turning point for me. It just ended in my mind. I emailed him today to tell him to never come by again. That this wasn’t for me. It was actually a nice email because i figured if he thought i was mad he would think i was ending it for that reason and he could always come back. The weird thing is that i am not devastated. It is really weird. It is kind of freaking me out a bit. I think something just clicked and i am over it. I think i felt soooo low for both letting him in and him not asking for the number. I think I hit bottom. I really believe this is finally it. I am ok
heartbroken.. stay strong.. i know the feeling, the turning point where you say WTF.. it is still not easy, but that gives you lots of strength that you never had before… good for you!!!!
today is day 10, but last night I got a text from him and it said, ” why are you upset with me?”.. oh, did i want to ignore it, but i coulnd’t.. i blasted him with ONE TEXT.. and one only…it went something like this..
” i went to court last week and you were too busy and self-absorbed to call me.. i woudn’t expect that from a friend, never mind you.. a wake up call for me.. you don’t give a shit and I don’t either!!!”…. he responded with some bs, then more bs, i never responded again.. although I did break contact i don’t feel it was 100% breaking it.. i felt so good telling him that, I have never done that before!!!
The funniest part? a text.. not a call.. I would have immediately picked up the phone if I were him, but then he’d have to face me one and one, confrontation, and his coward ways..
This must be his gig or communication. I once remember his wife left him a message once about somthing fairly impt.. maybe their wedding anniversary, and he texted back to her, didn’t call, and she blasted him that he texted her instead of picking up the phone.. Do you see a pattern?
When the 2nd text came in, I was fuming, but decided to shut my phone off and go to bed and I was over it in about a half hour..I’m not going back and forth via text or in general, i said my peace, and i’m still done..
10 days!!!
JustFriends- I have heard all the excuses before, too. My EUM lives 1 hour away from me and his excuse was that he didn’t want to take me away from my friends and family and job and home, etc because “what if it doesn’t work out and then I would feel horrible”. I used to say to him “but what if it does- life is all about chances, if we want it to work , it can, etc.” Then I called his bluff and told him that I would take the chance and move with him- no strings- let’s try it. I never saw someone have such anxiety. He finally fessed up that maybe he didn’t want to live with anyone. THAT’S when I finally realized that it’s nothing but EXCUSES!!! If TWO people want to be together, love each other in a healthy way, they will make it happen -no matter what’s in the way. It’s called compromise. Your EUM has a shitload of excuses. EXCUSES. And if you call him on one, he’ll come up with a new one. Get out now, trust me, it will not change. Mine went on for years- one excuse after another.
Heartbroken, I truly hope you have reached your turning point because as an outsider, we all can see what a f*cking a** hole he is. You will still have ups and downs for awhile, trust me you aren’t completely over him but you’re making some steps to see him as he really is. That’s a huge step. I think I’m over my EUM but he still creeps into my thoughts and sometimes I miss him but I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK THERE. I can’t go back there because I don’t want to be heartbroken again which I know would happen. When you start to get sentimental, think about the terrible things, it will get you thru. And no more contact. No more emails (he didn’t deserve the one he got from you), no texts, nothing or your credibility is out the window. He doesn’t believe you right now- he’s thinking you’ll be back but you have to prove him wrong- you’re not coming back. Stay strong.
Isnt it crazy when that moment hits you like a light bulb??? Heartbroken it took that one moment when he left and didnt ask you for your new # for you to realize he’s using you, probably always has been. My God that is rock bottom and unfortunately you had to break NC and hook up again in order to see that. I broke NC w my EUM and I dont regret it bc I was able to see that he was still a d*ck. I slept w him that one time 2wks ago and basically we’ve been@ odds since-I finally cut him off this past Monday and havent heard from him since then. Reason we continued to fight was bc he insisted on asking me if im sleeping or dating other guys and I refused to answer him basically telling him its none of his business!!!! WTF!!!! He can’t committ and treat me the way I should be BUT yet he gets upset when he feels like Im sharing my body or emotions w/someone else???!!! He’s trying to make me feel guilty for moving on and being w other men but hey two can play @ that game right?? And honestly its not even so much a game on my end- I will continue dating other guys until I find the ONE and if he cant deal with it then thats his problem. Obviously he isnt the ONE or else I would stop and just be with him. Im so much better w/o him, I no longer have anxiety, nauseau, or look @ my phone w eagerness when it rings. No desire to txt or call him..He does creep into my mind in the mornings I will admit but other than that I barely think of him. It’s so his loss. He’s got such nerve!
For you ladies who havent experience it yet, you will go thru stages in your healing-Grief/sadness,anger, nostalgia,to finally indifference! And Im in the early stages of indifference. Its like being on drugs and when you’re off of it you’re normal again and not under the influence. Believe it or not being w our EUMS and having sex with them causes hormones (which I consider the drug) to run thru our bodies-when we are not intimate with these men after some time that hormone stops racing thru our system and we start to heal. Thats why hooking up with them is never a good idea bc sex causes the ‘drug’ to be re-introduced back into your blood stream. Im sure my EUM thinks he can slither in again @ some point and im so mentally/emotionally ready to walk away and ignore him. Not with anger but pure indifference.
Linda – I would love it if he got dumped. Would serve him right but I don’t think that will happen. She has something to offer him so he will continue to keep her on ice. The hard part for me is telling myself he IS the same way with her. I would love to be a fly on the wall sometimes. If he was so afraid of commitment why did he introduce “new girl” to his mother & children? NML says don’t think that means commitment but I know he would never do that unless he was serious about her because his kids mean the world to him & he cares what they think. I truly thought he would hide every girl because of his commitment issues but that isn’t the case. I have enough “I want you naked” texts and “Sure I would love to hook up with you next time you are in town” emails to nail him. I chose not to confront anyone because it is just who I am but I was tempted. He was using me to try to hide $ from his wife as well so I wanted to help her as she will soon be a single parent. You are close to my age. It is so unbelievable to me that a 45 year old man plays games like this. I guess EUM’s have no age limit.
JustFriends – don’t get sucked into the mind games. That is how they work it to keep you around yet not to close. Our low self esteem is what causes us to think we aren’t pretty enough, good enough, thin enough. I have been there thinking if I were all those things he would have stuck around. If we had a healthy self esteem we wouldn’t want to live with the little bit that they offer us. He didn’t ask for your new #? That says it all right there. He is telling you all of those things so you won’t get to close yet he doesn’t need your # & stops by. I believe he just said he wants to stop hooking up to save your friendship so you would think he is a stand up guy. My EUM after fooling around on me ends up with someone else, lies about it, hooks up with me again then tells me he totally respects me! They will say anything to get what they want.
Shelia – Good for you! They hate to be perceived as bad guys! You let him have it & stood up for yourself & said all the right things! That was awesome saying “You don’t give a sh*t & I don’t either! I would leave it there! I SO wish I would hve done that! Kudos! Now don’t engage anymore! You are getting some self esteem back!
GiaNYC, if I could add to your post, and also say that you can can “addicted” to your EUM without sex even being part of the relationship. That happened to me–I have always only been friends with my EUM, and only had one physical act at the beginning (which was just making out while we were both drunk), but I still became totally addicted to him! I keep thinking if I did have sex with him somewhere along the way–OMG, that would have been so devastating and painful for me. I’m thankful that it never happened….
GiaNYC – Don’t feel bad. Mine came to see me knowing full well he had started a new relationship with another girl. I didn’t know it at the time but all weekend even though he had hooked up with her he kept saying “Your trying to make me jealous”. When I would get a phone call he would say “Who was that”? Even when it ended & I confronted him about their being someone else he lied & tried to turn everything around on me saying he never wanted it to be over & that I must have had that it my mind when he come down! What sick MFer’s! They can never be the one who gets let down! Their egos can’t deal with it! Like NML said they will never remeber the one that stayed around but they will always remember the one who dumped them! That should be enough for you ladies strong enough to leave before you are dumped to revel in & move on! I never got the chance but I am glad I am out of the situation!
In the end its all ego for these assholes-seriously!
I remember my EUM used to always tell me “I used to date this girl that would do anything for me, cook for me when ever I wanted, had sex with me whenever I wanted boy was she hooked on me”. He would actually laugh @ it and in my mind I was like what an asshole!!! Jerkoff thats what women do when they care about you and want to show you they love you!!! Whats wrong with that???!!! Why make loving someone look like a weakness!? So in my mind I was always controlling how much I did for him bc I didnt want to be the one he laughed @ with the next girl. But you know what?? I did cook for him, yes I did have sex with him (but hey I wanted it too) and YES I did treat him great and NO im not ashamed of it bc I will not change who I am. I just know now to give it to someone who is deserving of it. And if anything Im the one with yuck thoughts and memories of him when meanwhile when the going gets rough (which it will) he will look back with regret. Ladies dont feed their egos. My ex EUM wants to know of Im dated someone??? Let him wonder bc my life is none of his business anymore!
YOU GO GIRL! My EUM 25 years later was still telling me the same stories about grabbing other girls asses in college & his friends saying “How DO you do so well with women”?! 25 YEARS LATER THE SAME STORIES! LOL And I keep wondering if he has always been an EUM! LOL! I think I just got my answer! EGO! EGO! EGO! Can you say LOW SELF-ESTEEM, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, LOW SELF-ESTEEM? And they want secure, confident women! GET OVER URSELF! IT’S LAUGHABLE! NML is right in her new post. Sometimes it is what it is – black & white. Boy did I have the love blinders on. He was so flattering & it really threw me. Flattery does not make a relationship!
Kim- don’t worry – you may think that your EUM has “commited” to this new girl but he hasn’t- emotionally. I know all the signs are there with the kids, etc. but they can talk themselves into moving ahead but they will get to the point that they panic and put the brakes on. My EUM was married twice and lived with a girl, so of course I believed his stories that they just were wrong for him. He just didn’t find the right girl until me!! Oh Boy- if only I knew. None of those 3 relationships lasted longer than 2 years!! RED FLAGS. And he cheated on 2 of them and tried cheating on the 3rd. I was so gullible to believe his sh*t. So, just because they go thru the motions of “commiting”, they truly aren’t committed. And I don’t want that. Trust me, you know what this new girl is getting. She’s not the one that’s going to change him.
Gia- isn’t it AMAZING when you get to indifference? You feel pretty again, smart, in control of your life!! It’s a very empowering stage. And yes their sex is a very powerful drug. That’s how I got sucked back in after he dumped me for the third time until he brought another girl in the picture. Now, I don’t even think the sex would work because I think he is a total d*ck head. I have to at least like the guy to have sex with him………and all his words to get me in bed wouldn’t mean anything cuz I know they are all lies. So, I hope he enjoys sex with his new girlfriend as much as he liked it with me……
Linda – thx so much for your support. I have been reading your comments for weeks & they so remind me of my situation. My head knows you are right but sometime the “nostalgia” takes over & I struggle. I would love to talk to his wife. Based on the things he told me I believe he was EUM with her as well. She is young & I dont think she even knows what an EUM is. I believe that is prob why she may have had an affair. I feel for her if he was this way with her for 16 years. I had heard he took his father’s death very hard. It was 7 years ago but he really struggled with it & felt guilty for not being there when it happened. His marriage really fell apart after that. I asked him once do you understand when you hold back it causes me to hold back? He said yes – that is where my marriage failed. He said I need you to NOT hold back, I need you to NOT shut down. I need you to yank me back when I get like that. I wonder at times if the trauma is what caused his EU. Then again if he was an EUM before the trauma it would have been difficult for him to access the emotion of grieving. His fathers death however would not cause him to be a selfish, egotistical, lying, cheating a**. It would only explain his lack of emotion. I may never know. It would be great if I did because it sure would make me feel better if he was this way with everyone!
Linda – I also agree with you on the sex thing. Now I know what a creep he is it would never ever be the same. He had so many other qualities I loved. He has such a great sense of humor & always told me how beautiful & sexy I was. He went out of his way to please me sexually & we laughed & got along so well. In the end that is not enough to sustain a relationship. I feel if he ever deals with his EUM issues he will be a great catch. My fear is it was just too soon after his separation for us. I believe in my heart had I moved back he wouldn’t have hid me. Would that change his selfishness or ego? I don’t believe so!
Kim – I know exactly how you feel. My EUM was the kindest, most complimentary, go out of his way for me guy. He would drive an hour just to give me a hug if I was having a bad day. He made me feel like I was the sexiest woman alive and I was put on this earth just for him. And the sex was the bomb. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s really who they are. I think it’s their game. I think it’s worked for them for years and that’s how they operate. I don’t know how or why my EUM became an EUM – he was married way too young the first time, he has a family that he can do no wrong- his mother has NEVER pointed out any mistakes he’s made along the way (in fact she still defends him to this day- She knows he was screwing me and chasing this new girl and she said -You know how men are when it comes to sex) I guess if you’re raised not thinking you do anything wrong, you don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Trust me, my mother has pointed out my mistakes- she’s always there for me but she will point out things she thinks I may be doing wrong. So, I don’t know how they get so f*cked up but it’s really sad. And I always feel like you, if he got his shit together he would be a great catch. But the flip side is that maybe what we see in the beginning is not them, maybe they are the pricks we see later in the relationship. And who wants them. And they WILL NOT change until they can look at themselves in the mirror and with egos that big, they will never do that. So, they will continue to carry all their baggage (plus what they gather from relationships with us) into the next relationship… Sh*t by the time they are 50, they won’t be able to go on a date…LOL My EUM has been single more of his life than not…… All the books I have read tell you, look at their past relationships……. I believe that now. Right now, I am probably EU, I know I have put a wall up but I’m trying to have fun. I don’t want a relationship yet but it’s nice to go out with other guys- it builds the self esteem again and it’s nice to know (if you open your mind to it) that other guys can kiss just as well and you can have good sex again. Ok, so I’ve only been with one guy since and the first night was a bomb (on my end)- I couldn’t let myself go to even do anything with him, but I saw him again and in between I thought- what the heck is wrong with me? My EUM surely isn’t having these problems- he’s banging like a rabbit. So, I told myself that it wasn’t going to be the same as before but maybe different isn’t bad. And it wasn’t. He’s a great kisser and the more I was with him, the better it all got. But it’s also safe because I am not in love with him or he me- we’re friends. We have a great time together and laugh and have fun. I could call him and have no problem telling him I had a date and visaversa. We both know that we will end up with other people but he is in the same boat- just got dumped. And for now, I’m ok with that. I don’t know if it’s right but it’s been a great distraction from thinking about my EUM and hibernating in my house. I was supposed to be in Texas with my EUM this week , so I have been having those nostalgia thoughts, but I now can quickly push them out of my head these days and that’s something I n ever thought I would be able to do. Things do get better!!!
it is such a strange feeling when you end it. I ended it once before because i was furious at him, but this time it just clicked. he of course came back after i broke it off the first time. spent about two weeks and then he broke it off with me only to come back the following week. Then a month later is when i just broke it off for good. it is obvious it is just not working. I don’t think he will be back again and it is the weirdest thing. the finality of it. i will never see him again. I am sad and of course hurting and he is just going on with his life with his wife who has absolutely no clue who she is married to. Every time she is out of town he has been with me or now will be with someone else. Why is it if these men are happy in their marriages would they be cheating? do they just get bored with having sex with one woman?
These men aren’t happy in their marriages, it’s all a facade.
I was with an EUM/MM for two and a half years. It was long distance after he moved for the last yr and a half.
He claimed he had to stay for the child, wife had mental issues…blah blah blah.
Toward the end of the relationship, I met another guy while working out of town and had a one-night fling.
My EUM/MM found out and flipped his lid.
After that, he refused to talk to me on the phone. He would only email with me. I couldn’t figure out what he was so mad at me for doing the same thing he had been doing this entire time.
So then he finally tells me he’s decided to try and work it out with his wife and he can’t talk to me anymore.
Two months later, I find out that he’s split from his wife and she’s moved out. I was in shock that it actually happened, and that he didn’t even call me to tell me himself. After all, I was his soul mate and love of his life that he so desperately couldn’t live without.
I called him to find out. He said “it was just time,” but that he wanted a fresh start and talking to me was moving backwards. I was shocked. I thought for sure this was the beginning for he and I.
So for four months I tried to be respectful of him needing his space during hte divorce, but thought he may have needed a friend. I sent him cute cards once a month telling him I was here for him and hoped everything was ok.
Well, month four rolls around and guess what…I find out he’s had another girlfriend this entire time. In fact, I figured out that he’d probably had this girl on the backburner while he was still “madly in love” with me.
I was livid. I called him and played it cool but let him know I didn’t appreciate him making a fool out of me. It was then, ONLY then, that I really listened to what he was saying. Suddenly I could hear the pure egotistical and narcissistic things spewing from his mouth.
I lost my appetite thinking about how this girl was now his girlfriend and it’s out in th eopen for them. I felt jealous that she’s got him and I don’t.
But then I felt lucky. Lucky that I got out before his divorce and now the new girl has to deal with a man that lives with his mother because his alimony payment is sky high. He’s in deep debt and has to pay a ton in child support too.
He likes his women out of town, like the new girl.
These guys are master manipulators. I only wish I could warn the new girl.
Heartbroken, I understand how you feel. I remember thinking the same things- I will never see him again- this is it. In the long run, that’s better. The farther you can distance yourself, the easier it will become. Try to think about past relationships you ‘ve had- maybe high school boyfriends- do we really care where they are now?? No and when those break ups occurred we were devastated. Time does heal. If they were happy with THEMSELVES and honest, loyal men, they wouldn’t cheat. Not all men cheat. Men that can’t commit, cheat. Men that haven’t dealt with past failed relationships, men that can’t look in the mirror and realize that they have faults and contributed to failed marriages, etc, cheat. I bet if we asked all the girls on here, their EUMs (according to the guys), were never at fault for a past relationship not working. Look at your guy, I bet it’s not his fault he’s cheating- his wife is boring or doesn’t give him enough sex- whatever the excuse. I know my EUM claims he just picked the wrong girls- it was NEVER partly his fault that his relationships didn’t work. And yes he will find another victim but that doesn’t mean he will love her or commit to her either. He will probably continue this pattern the rest of his life. Be happy you’re not going to be part of it.
Linda- in your experience do they keep coming back until you don’t allow them in the door? He has had a tendency to just come over unannounced even when he realized my number had changed. I just wonder if my word means anything at this point.
Heartbroken- yes they will keep coming back until you close the door. And no our word does not mean anything for awhile- they just figure they’ll give it a little time and we’ll forgive them like we always do. My girlfriend had a guy like yours who would just show up and finally she opened the door one night and said “if you ever show up here again, I will call the police” – then shut the door. He never showed up at her door again. The problem we run into is that we don’t back up our word. I was guilty of that. I would say that I needed to move on and find someone that wanted to spend time with me – someone that I was number 1 with- and then I never backed it up until now. So, I think that time and sticking to our word is the only way they will ever believe us. It’s been 8 weeks NC for me but I bet if you asked my EUM, he still thinks I will contact him or he could get me back when it suits him. But, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without contacting him, so I’m sure somewhere in his pee brain he has to be wondering……….SO, yes at this point, your word probably doesn’t mean much but the more you stand your ground, the stronger your word will become.
linda that was what i was afraid of. I have friends who said that my recent email to him ending things did nothing. I had ended it before and he came by and i let him in, he ended it and he came by the next week and i let him in and now i have ended it again. Who knows. It may come down to me not answering the door. I am hoping if he does decide to come by one day that I will have gotten the strength to say f you. there is no solution to this problem. I want more, he is married. He does not pretend he is unhappy in his marriage. He just wants a sexual partner, I , of course, still have feelings for the man who initially pursued me. At least he does not have my new phone number!!! I am hoping he just stays away. I told him that i wanted to walk away from this and his dropping by does not help me do that. I asked that he stay away and i basically said goodbye that the situation just was not right for me.
Now Heartbroken, just stick to your word. And remember that the situation isn’t right for you and it’s not what you want and it’s never going to change. So, take a bit of time to grieve and get strong, keep him away, and move on to someone who will love all of you and not just a sexual partner. You will do it. Keep telling yourself while he’s barbequeing with his wife, you’re alone. No, you deserve to have someone in your life, too. And you will find someone.
I’m so glad I’ve found this site! I’d been feeling like I was the only one in the world reeling back from the breakdown of a non-existent relationship. My story is similar in many ways to those I’ve been reading about, and yet subtly different in others. I met a guy five years ago who became a friend for about a year. We were both single, I was looking but he wasn’t, and he told me that. We moved in the same circles, talked a lot, went out on the town — we saw a lot of each other. A year after meeting, I was really falling for him, and I told him, in the hopes that he’d have changed his mind about not wanting to get seriously involved with anyone. He hadn’t, but I was really stupid enough to go to bed with him. Now ladies, for the past five years (FIVE YEARS!) we were having the “friends with benefits†relationship. He had his share of serious problems (family, job), and I was there to support him and help him through all that. I made an effort to find events of interest in my city so we could go out. I invited him along on holidays with my friends. He always told me how much he appreciated my help and support, how well we communicated and how glad he was that we could have such a great no-ties relationship.
But clearly I was a deluded idiot, telling myself that I was really OK the way things were, that I didn’t need a committed relationship in my life, that we were really good friends. He had occasional flings, which he never told me about, but I would sometimes suspect or find out through other friends. I told myself it didn’t bother me, because I had no claims on him myself. In reality I was so dumb as to think that if I became his best everything (friend, confidante, lay), it was only a matter of time until he realised I was the woman of his dreams. No need to say, I was seriously setting myself up for what has finally happened. At his request, I met him for dinner three weeks ago, and he told me that he’d started seeing someone. A woman he met with me two months ago!! She was a friend of a friend; I met her that night too. When he told me, I was devastated, my world of delusions came tumbling down around me, and every word he spoke was like a knife thrown at my heart. She moves him! She fascinates him! I was like WHAT ABOUT ME?!? I felt rejected, shortchanged, abandoned, deceived, worthless… after all I’d done for him, how can he pay me back like this?? Why can’t he see I’m the one for him?? And especially, what has she got that I haven’t, how come he’s ready for an exclusive relationship with a woman he’s just met, when he wasn’t ready for one with me after FIVE FRIGGING YEARS?? And all throughout it was the “friends†line: “You’re such a good friend, I want to be able to count on you, you’re very important in my life, I love you very muchâ€â€¦ and I was crying right through all of it.
The next day he called to ask how I was doing — I answered the phone but I couldn’t speak. Three days later, same thing. Then he called again, I never even answered. Mind you, this was not NC, but physical impossibility: my throat closed up and I couldn’t utter a word. He texted me to say he was worried about me and he missed me. I texted back to say I was sorry, I couldn’t speak to him. For the past two weeks this was all the contact we had. I was missing him so bad it hurt… I missed the chat, the laughter, the tenderness, the sex. Then last Thursday he called again and I answered. He wanted us to meet to talk things through, which makes sense on the surface because “we are still friendsâ€. He said he was leaving on a short holiday — with her, though he didn’t say so. This hurt me like a knife again… in all our time he never ever took me anywhere. I was ready to cry, die, take him back, whatever… and our conversation went nowhere fast. He texted me eventually to propose meeting next Wednesday or Thursday for dinner. He said he really wants to see me and talk to me so we can work something out. I still haven’t answered, but what should I do? I know for sure that when I see him part of me is going to still want him, I’m still going to try and prove to him that I’m what he really needs. I’m going to feel relieved to have him there again, and probably get my hopes up that he’ll open his eyes. On the other hand, I think I want some closure, and I do want some explanations. So I don’t know whether I should just go and get it over with while I’m still hurting, rather than postpone it and risk the setback later on; or whether I should just say no and leave it all hanging. I don’t hate him, and the thought of never seeing him again, even as friends, makes me cry. It seems like I will always need him in my life.
I’m so sorry this is so long, but can someone advice? I’m sad and confused over not knowing what to do. Five years is a long time to get used to someone. And I also feel stupid over how pointless it all is, and how dumb I’ve been. Thank you all.
Maria,
My guy was in my life as a friend and then as a boyfriend and then as a fiance for 16 years. Unfortunately, we will never be friends again. You have to cut him out of your life, now – mainly for your own well being. It sucks and it hurts and it’s the worse thing you will ever go thru but it will be best for you. Unfortunately we lose friends dhen we go thru break ups or divorces. You will get used to him not in your life (I’m 8 weeks NC). You need to rely on friends that have no connection to him. Meet new people- do new things. Throw yourself out there. I know your guy doesn’t think he led you on in any way but I hate to tell you but he used you for 5 years while he was looking for “the one”. Women don’t hang around with men and have sex with them if they don’t have some feeling for the guy and trust me guys know that. My ex did the same thing to me after we broke up. We were FWB for a couple of months (while he was chasing his new girl) and he knew I still loved him but he never took my feelings into consideration. Don’t waste any more time on him. I don’t mean to sound harsh but if you read all of our posts, you’ll see how these men will keep you hanging on in case they need to come back. Hey, your guy found someone, let him have her without you in the picture. Move on with your life. He certainly didn’t have a problem doing just that. But you need to do it without him. Do you really want to hear stories about him and his new love?? No. Trust me, from experience, it is way better to NOT know what he’s doing, who he’s seeing (this will take a few weeks to realize). And why does he want to see you?? What does he want to work out?? Keeping you hanging around in case his new girl doesn’t work?? Don’t let him play the friend card. Sorry, friendship’s over. Nobody is going to be comfortable in this situation. Does the new girl know about you two?? Is she ok with hanging out with her new boyfriend’s f*ck buddy? YOU will be the one that is going to get hurt over and over if you don’t cut it off now. Keep in touch
Maria,
We have all felt stupid and insecure going thru these messes but don’t let yourself do that. You made a mistake it doesn’t make you dumb. You went with your heart. That doesn’t make you stupid. But now you have to look in the mirror and tell yourself how gorgeous you are and how some other man is going to love you the way you love and the way you deserve. When you get into a real relationship (not the FWB), you will not believe how great it can be. If he hasn’t opened his eyes in five years, honey, seeing him one more time isn’t going to open them. You are no longer his doormat. You don’t need closure from him. Close it yourself. I never got closure from my guy. I finally realized that I didn’t want that in my life and it was closed. You close it. And in a few weeks you will realize that you DON’T NEED him in your life.
Hey Maria, after reading your post, I sat there wondering how in the world could you be living in the same situation as I am, cause you know? My guy made me feel so special that I thought that he was different (heavy on the sarcasm there).
My guy and I met at work, became really close even though he had a gf already. He would never break up with her, but pursued me strong. And the insecure person that I was, I allowed him to string me along for 2+ years. Well, fast forward to a year later, and his gf broke up with him, and i thought for sure we would have a chance to be together. I heard it all…..I was his best friend, soulmate, had the most impact on his life, could tell anything to, sex was amazing, etc etc etc. (sound familiar?). But no, he made up some excuse about why we couldn’t be together….all BS. First it was because I was a part of that life and he had gotten to the point of feeling so guilty about it that once the breakup occured, he needed to let me go as well. In addition, we started fighting a lot, mostly cause i wanted more. He blamed it on that. So, what did he do? He started talking to another girl at work…..in front of my face! And i confronted him about it, but guess what? I had no claim on him….who am I to be angry. Well, he is still dating her, and he is miserable.
It is SO much easier said than done, but I fell for the “I can’t not have you in my life. you are my best friend” speech SO many times…..still falling for it actually. I have tried NC, he charms his way back in. I have tried just being more unavailable, but I still look at my phone willing him to call or text (pathetic, i know). I even try to pick fights so I can tell him we need to stop talking….even that doesn’t work! He finds a way to fight really hard for our “friendship”. Funny how he never fought that hard for our “relationship”. Anyways, my point is if you can, DO NOT do it. You will get sucked in. I always thought that it would be better to be friends than nothing, but do you know what it’s like to hear about their relationship and needing advice about it? It’s truly sick, these men.
And trust me, I have forgiven and forgotten a lot, but one thing that is ALWAYS on my mind is the same thing you are asking…..why her and not me? What about me was undateable (but f*ckable)? For me, my questions are how does one become the GF and how does one become the OW/FWB? Are there qualities that one has that the other does not have? Are we as OW/FWB appear to be suckers that can be easily manipulated (or is it something that we became accustomed to with time?) Do these men just want the quiet innocent type as GFs and us because we are fun, adventurous, etc? Do these men already peg us as the OW/FWB as soon as they meet us and already know they have absolute no intention in anything long term and serious?
It is absolutely disheartening, and completely shoots down any self confidence you may have. I want answers but i know that I will never know why. I don’t have a lot of advice for you, but I feel your pain. There have been days that I want to tear my heart out, that can’t swallow or hurts to swallow feeling, that anxiety of honestly never being able to live without this person. It’s crazy how our bodies are so physically in tune with our emotions. I am at the point now where my heart is still broken, but the pain has dulled cause I expect this poor behaviour – the hot and cold, the manipulation, the self involvedness, etc. The only thing that keeps me going these days is reminding myself that he is unhappy, that he has cheated on his new gf already too, he is unavailable to her too. She just gets the title. It hurts cause I wanted the title. I don’t get to say, “my bf….”. I have to say things like, “the guy im hooking up with….”. It makes me feel sad and foolish.
Anyways, sorry for such a long post, but reading your post made me compelled to respond. To let you know that you are not the only one going through this. Like Linda says, he is not your friend (but I understand that is VERY hard to see right now). NC is hard, maybe just start being more busy and unavailable to him until you get used to him not in your life as much.
I’m sorry you are going through this…..
Hey Ladies,
Hope everyone has had a great wknd…i want to say I have done a complete 180. My normal life is returning to me. Wow do I feel normal again!!!! And its not forced, completely natural. It can happen ladies. I never thought it could or would but as each day passes Im feeling whole again. My ex EUM is rarely on my mind now adays…i dont miss him no where near as much. (thoughts are down to once a day) I dont know what hes been up to and he doesnt know what ive been up to. The great thing about NC is out of sight and out of mind- at least for me its true. I have to say my ex EUM is being really good about not calling/txtng me. That helps a lot!!! Maybe Im spkng too soon as the last time him and I spoke was this past Monday but still I feel Ive come a long way since then. I dont want him-Not even for sex!!! Im so embarrassed that I allowed him to mistreat me for 16months. Im excited to go out on dates now (tho i havent met anyone im crazy for). If my ex EUM thinks he’s going to slide back in again I would love to see him try. I swear I will never neglect myself like that again-never!!! Ladies stay strong-you can do it!
For you ladies who are new to the site-dont get me wrong it ISNT easy..I was 6wks into NC with my ex EUM and I gave into him once-we slept together. 2weeks later (which is the present time) I realized he hasnt/wont change so I left him for good a few days after sleeping with him. So in total ive been 8wks w/o my EUM in a normal relationship. Im an example that you can bounce back after breaking an NC but if you can just try to stick to it.
Hit an all time bottom this w/e.. dont’ break the no contact it’s not worth it.. I was on top of the world the last few weeks, ignoring all his texts except one when i blasted him for the person he is..Saturday morning, he sent a picture, that was so hard to ignore, but i did.. til later on that day.. i layed into him again, and he apologized… I then proceed to text him to have drinks that night.. he declines, in so many words.. I feel foolish..He calls me later on, i don’t pick up. He texts me the next day, then i call him, he doesn’t pick up. Another story, who the hell knows. I end up talking to him as he proceeds to talk about his plans for the day that don’t include me. Ok.. now I really feel foolish.. In one day, i blew it.. I feel like i have hit rock bottom.. for real.. no idea where to go from here. I wrote him a letter I may send it.. I don’t want to sound like the “scorned” girl who is pissed now.. 4pm comes yesterday and the text messages come back in.. where he is, what he’s doing, etc.. CAN I ASK WHAT THE FCK HE IS DOING AND WHY HE IS FCKING WITH ME? It’s over, i know that.. I want him out of my life forever.. i cannot heal.. my anxiety is suddenly back and i feel like a loser.. for real..
i’ll take any advice.. thanks!!!
Foolishgirl
sorry to say this, no offence, but he doesnt respect you, and maybe thinks, if you didnt mind having an affair with somebody who has a girlfriend, then you are not really a fair person…. of course its not true, but he may think so…. no respect for you, because you had no respect for his girlfriend…. so easy
Hi Sheila,
Don’t waste the letter on him. I had a reader in the same situation last week and he ended up humiliating her further. The thing is, this guy didn’t give a shit when you were together – why is he going to care now when you send this letter?
This is all the Pushey Pulley, blowing hot and cold, and The Status Quo. He is playing Mr Unavailable to a tee and he gets off on it when you react each time. Now that he’s proved to himself that he still has access to you and believes you aren’t over him and that you want him, he’ll disappear.
The guys’s an asshole. He hasn’t an ounce of decency, consideration, or respect for you. He is totally fixated on himself – he’s not getting in touch because he cares; he gets in touch because he wants to talk about him and show how even though he has you waiting around for him to deign you with contact, he’s out living his life.
The best thing that you could do right now is cut contact absolutely. It doesn’t matter that you fell off the wagon; it just matters that you get back on. You write that letter and it’s like laying yourself bare. He’s got the emotional capacity of a stone – don’t waste the pen and paper. All it will do is send a signal to his pea sized brain that you want him.
NML, do you have advice for Maria?
Her story really touched me. Thanks.
Gia- Welcome back and it’s great to hear you’re doing so well. It’s amazing isn’t it?? 8 weeks NC and I can’t believe that 2 months ago, I thought my life was ending. I thought I would never quit crying and be alone the rest of my life. And I NEVER thought I would laugh again or enjoy ANYTHING!! So, here’s that challenge for all you girls on here– GO 8 WEEKS- 2 months- not a long time out of your life. Go 8 weeks and see how you feel. NC for 8 weeks. Live your life without them. If you still can’t live without your EUM, he’ll still be available (not really AVAILABLE but you all know what I mean) for you. Hook back up with him if you still want that life after 8 weeks. The first 4 will feel like a lifetime but if you are really trying to go on, the rest of the time will fly. And you will be amazed at how little you think of him and about him. You will love yourself again and realize that you deserve way more in your life. So, girls ready to take that chance?? What have you got to lose?? Oh yeah, the losers that has made us all become friends on here. Oh yeah the guys that continually break our hearts. The “men” that take our security and self esteem. The liars and cheats. WOW we really are losing so much………
Sheila,
There is nothing you can do but get him out of your life. NOTHING is going to change. He is going to continue to be the d*ckhead that he is and he will continue to be your d*ckhead as long as you allow it. It’s all about what we allow people to do to us. If you had a girlfriend that was coing over your house to shoot heroin, would you allow that? I don’t think so. Well, don’t allow him in your life either. When you want to contact him or he contacts you, remember how yo feel RIGHT NOW. Remember how it feels at rock bottom. Cuz with him in your life, you will be feeling that over and over and over again. This is the rest of your life if you accept him. HE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE. YOU AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE HIM. HE ISN’T GOING TO SEE SOME LIGHT. HE ISN’T GOING TO WAKE UP AND LOVE YOU. I know that sounds terrible and you know I’m not trying to be mean but it’s true. You need to remove yourself and go on with your life. Quit waiting for some romance novel or love story to happen. It isn’t going to. That’s only the movies or books. Real life is finding someone who respects you and treats you good and wants the best for you and will walk beside you on the sometimes shitty road called life.
Sheila- do what everyone is telling you on ths site. You just have to stop. Don’t beat yourself up. You don’t need to feel badly about yourself on top of all of this. You are human and you are a good person who unfortunately cares about a jerk. Remember that. I wish this was easy. i too have been dragged through the mud. You need to stop engaging completely. This time maybe you should change your phone number again, block his texts. Do whatever you have to. Unfortunately for me my ex-mm just shows up on my doorstep. seriously, dont feel bad. If anything think of this as another lesson learned that he is an asshole who will never change. You deserve so much better. Now you just have to believe it.
Today i am incredibly sad. Sad because I love this absolute selfish mm. Breaking it off was the hardest thing i have done and i wish on one hand i could take it back, but i can’t. for what? To wait around for the next time he can see me, to be lonely and wanting more all of the time? I just want the sadness to go away. I know it is the best thing for me but how do you get over someone you want in your life although you can’t have him? how do i stop wishing he would come back? That is the fucked up part of this all. How could I wish for that?
Ladies, a bit of self-reflection would be right – if the man is married, then there is no right to complain he is selfish
I mean, every girl who is getting hooked up with a married/attached man is selfish…
so a selfish person meets another selfish person…..
sisterhood?? does it mean anything to you?
Please, no offence, but think about this….
honesty, aquamarine, i don’t think you should make any judgments. I never in a million years thought i would do something like this. But when you are friends with someone and they are pursuing you sometimes you can’t help but fall into a trap. Am i proud of what i have done? no. If i could go back and take back my decision, i of course, would but unfortunately I made a mistake and I am paying big time. more than you know.
Ladies.. do yourselvs a favor… if you are initiating the NC, stick to it.. I am living proof on how breaking it brings you the the very lowest.. I feel absolutely terrible today.. I haven’t felt this bad in months.. Why? B/c i gave in thinking something would be different, and for the 50th time it wasn’t…I could kick myself for it, but i guess I learned the hard way.. Also take it from Linda, Gia, and the other ladies who are on their way to a full recovery b/c of the NC and maintaining it..
god, i wish i could turn back time
Also, i thought this site was for people who are in a similar position as I. Isn’t the creator of this website a woman who was once involved with someone’s boyfriendd? I guess she is selfish too.
heartbroken, don’t take it personally and nobody is judging you.
Aquamarine pointed out that a married man is not available and if you think about it, he is really not. We have all received great advice and everybody’s story is different, but it comes down to us – WE have to make the change if we want to heal and move on.
Cut the contact with him and if he stops by tell him to go home!!
I don’t think it matters who or how or why we all ended up here. It doesn’t matter if the men are married, single, never been married, etc. We all hurt the same way- heart break is heart break. All we can do now is stand up for ourselves, not let men treat us like doormats, heal and move on with our lives. And HOPEFULLY, we all have learned lessons thru all of it. We are all going to live, nobody dies of a broken heart. I am sure we have all been EU at some point in our lives. I know I have. As long as you acknowledge it, learn from and try not to make the same mistakes again. It’s called life. And Astelle is correct, only WE CAN CHANGE OUR LIVES. We can’t change someone elses behavior but we can change ours……
Aquamarine – My guy came to me separated. Yes he was still married but many people going through a divorce that are separated date & can if don’t have other major issues like EU. This guys wife left the home & they both were dating others. They had already been down the “trying it” road. I knew this wasn’t the best of situtations when he looked me up & I resisted at 1st but he went out of his way to assure me he was no longer married in his heart & that he was getting divorced with or without me. I think I speak for a lot of women on this site when I say these men are creeps. They go out of their way & lie for their own agenda. They tell you are “the one”. That you are special and they love you. Who doesn’t want to feel that way? Are we supposed to know they are lying? This wasn’t any man to me. He was an old college flame that said he never got over me. I had been single for 8 years. Brad says to look at a mans character & I agree but I knew this man & his family & friends. We went to the same church & knew the same people. How was I to know he was an EUM? He looked ME up to feed his bruised ego from a failed marriage. How was I to know he was lying through his teeth for his own selfish reasons? Not all of us are here dating married men. Some of these women are married to an EUM. The bottom line is all of these guys have the same bios. An EUM is an EUM no matter how they come to you & that is what we are all trying to help each other with. I appreciate the “kick in the pants” so speak but we are here to support one another & to help each other move on. I am not here to judge anyone. Life is hard & sometimes & we make mistakes. It is what you do afterwards that matters.
NML – you’re gonna need a bigger website! LOL
I agree that heartbreak is heartbreak even if it comes from being involved with a married man, but I just have to say (and I am not being judgmental) that if you get involved with a married man, what do you expect to happen? Do you expect that he will leave his wife for you? How many times does that ever happen? And what about his wife–as a “sisterhood”, do we not care about her? It may be interesting to hear her story. A question for heartbroken–knowing what you know now about getting involved with a married man, would you ever do it again? If the answer is “no” without hesitation, then you have learned the right lesson from this experience.
Astelle thanks for letting me know about Maria!
OK, here’s the deal Maria – If you set off down a path of trying to prove that he’s the one for you, you are on a seriously self-destructive path. He’s had all you have to give for the past five years and he doesn’t see it.
The difficulty with the situation is blurred boundaries, uncommunicated expectations, and two people with a very different perception of the ‘relationship’. He’s being enjoying the fringe benefits of your relationship but living in the moment, and yes, using you. You have been a provider of lots of things and there has been an unspoken expectation that with all that you have given him, there will be some payback.
Hard as it can be, giving has to be something that is done wholeheartedly so if the trade off of you doing things for him was that you expected the loyalty of a boyfriend, and this has backfired because no matter what you perceive your relationship to have been, you were two people who were supposedly friends, who were having sex – for five years.
One of the dangers of being a Fallback Girl is that we see potential in men that doesn’t actually exist. We also have a tricky habit of imposing our idea of the relationship on them and deciding we are the right one for them because we are showering them with everything we’ve got.
He has made his choice and he doesn’t see you as anything more than a friend. If you wanted this man as anything more, the time to set the tone was five years ago, not now.
There is no point beating yourself up or calling yourself dumb – it’s not that at all – you’ve been assumptive and settled into a routine with him which you attached more meaning to than him. The best thing that you could do right now is back away from him and have some breathing space. “work something out”? what’s for him to work out?
And I’m going to say something that you won’t like – you and this guy aren’t friends. The lines have been very blurred for a very long time and you have tried to be everything and anything to him, but he has been happy to take advantage of this ‘friendship’ and it seems ridiculous that he would spring this relationship on you and not at least have the decency to let you know what was going on, but this goes back to that he didn’t attach the same importance to it.
Right now you are very upset and hurt, but hanging on the sidelines trying to send soundwaves and vibes that you are the right girl is a waste of time. Don’t sell yourself short – you are worth more than a man that would have you as a FB for five years. Remember that.
I have a question for all you with the married men?? What about the single men who pursue the married girls with all the same lines?? Don’t you think a single guy who wants a married girl has the same issues??
Gia NYC – Very proud of you! As I’ve said to Sheila, it’s not unusual to fall off the wagon, it’s the getting back on and what you learn from it that is most important and it sounds like you have broken the back of the pain. I hope that other readers take solace from your words.
Aquamarine – I know that your advice is well intentioned but it may come across as a bit offensive being new to the thread. It would be more appropriate to introduce yourself and build a rapport, rather than come in straight on the offensive by calling other commenters selfish… You’re not saying anything that hasn’t been said before, it’s just the tone of your comment…
heartbroken – I wouldn’t take Aquamarines comment to heart. I don’t think it’s about judgment, I think it’s more about seeing him and the situation for what it is. It is true that I was involved with a guy who had a girlfriend – not my finest hour but it happened a few years ago and he certainly took advantage of playing the friend card. Hard as it may be to hear, you can’t see yourself as helpless in this situation. Any of us who have been involved in a relationship that’s no good, irrespective of whether he has a girlfriend or not, feel helpless until we realise that we are behind the wheel in this situation. We can opt out anytime we want but we got sucked into the ycle of the drama, the lies, the passion, the promise, the potential, and of course, our self-esteem takes a battering. I certainly agree with both Kims and Astelle’s comments and others – Mr Unavailable’s are Mr Unavailable’s – they come in different packages but they all deal the same line in crap. You’ve just got to decide when you’re ready to opt out.
I absolutely would never, ever get involved with a married man again. I never thought I would in the first place, but I knew him or actually worked for him for years and we were always friends. There was always a spark between us but i never pursued him. He began to pursue me and i already had feelings and he just kept pursuing, pursuing, pursuing and i fell for it. Maybe in the back of my mind i thought he would leave her. Although he never said that he would but maybe i was delusional and thought that and unfortunately for me I have not heard about many women being with married men as none of my friends have ever been. It was a mistake. Yes a lesson was learned. I left my job, spent my lifesavings, got physically sick and i am heart broken. So I think i have paid a pretty big price.
heartbroken, yes you have paid a pretty big price – more than anybody should have – you went thru a lot and I so hope it will get better for you. Please, Please, put yourself first from now on, cut the contact with him and move on.
I know you can, I am still moving on after almost 4 years of this BS and you can do it, I know you can. My dude wasn’t married – but an a**hole is an a**hole and a user is a user.
Just think about what he does to his wife – another woman just like us -he has no respect for you or her. Trust me on this, going NC will give you so much peace, totally ignore any of his attempt, in a few weeks you will feel better knowing that YOU are in charge not this cheating piece of – well you know what 🙂
I tried the no contact. I changed my phone number and blocked my email address and the next day he came to my door. I, of course, being weak let him in. But then the following week i emailed him and told him he could not come over again, that i was trying to let this go and that him just showing up was making it really difficult for me. The rest was just my goodbye to him. So who knows at this point. I am hoping he stays away, but as linda has pointed out we have already both ended it and gone back on our words. I am not sure he really believes me. I don’t know or at least i don’t know if he doesn’t think that if he came here i would not let him in because i always do. I don’t get how these guys think so he may or may not show up
Heartbroken, They only think about themselves. That’s how they think. So, remember if he does show up, it’s not because he loves you or because he respects you, it’s because HE has a need at that moment. (whatever that may be- ego stroking, sex, it doesn’t matter why). If he did love you or respect you, he would stay away like you asked. Your word will mean something once you stand behind it. And don’t think you’re stupid or weak. We’ve all been there. I’ve been stupid and weak and made plenty of mistakes. I did things against my better judgement when my head was telling me “this is wrong”. I thought I was following my heart. I was believing in someone. I put his feelings before mine. I thought he would see the light or maybe a lightening bolt would hit him or he would be that charming guy I fell in love with again. FINALLY, the lightening bolt hit me. This isn’t love. This is someone taking advantage of a nice girl who would do anything for him. Love isn’t selfish. And we’re nice girls who are willing to love and we deserve that in return. So, honey, you sound like you’ve learned some lessons along the way and that’s the most important thing. Now, just find your strength and heal and move on. Look in the mirror and hold onto what YOU want in life: a healthy relationship that you are loved and respected. Something that can move forward towards marriage and family or whatever you want for yourself. Look in that mirror and every morning tell yourself that you are pretty and a nice person and someone IS going to love you for all you have to give… It doesn’t happen overnight but it does happen. And until it does, you are still pretty and nice and desirable. Look at it like you’re free- free to go out with friends, free to flirt with whomever you choose, free to try new things, free to meet new people. You can do it. It is his loss.
Heartbroken – This is an awful situation that you are in and I really do feel for you but it is my job to ask the uncomfortable questions – how much more do you have to lose before you will be done with this man? Most women I come across through this blog take a serious battering to their self-esteem but when your job, your life savings, and much more comes into it, I have to ask where the cut off point is? Isn’t all this pain and loss enough? This man represents a loss of a lot of things that are dear and important to you – he’s not adding to your life – your liason with him is taking away from it. Many of these men do make contact – it’s losing the helpless feeling and saying “you know what, it doesn’t matter what he says or does, this relationship is over” In these situations we tend to rely on these men to opt out to ‘free’ us – they don’t do that. You need to take control here.
Dear ladies, thank you so much! In my emotional state, the kindness of your words and the wisdom of your advice have brought tears to my eyes… I am overwhelmed that perfect strangers would give me so much caring when someone I’ve known for years won’t. I am going to read through your messages more slowly and let them sink in, and I will reply again when ready. Just for the record, I’ve still not responded about meeting up, though I’m still in two minds about it.
Thank you so much, really.
Thanks everyone for your support. I decided to end it with mm when I checked myself into an outpatient substance abuse program. Yes it has gotten that bad. I guess that is why I got so upset by aquamarine’s comments because i feel like i suffered for my mistake and now i am taking responsibility and getting the help that i need. I could not take the emotional roller coaster anymore and began to use substances to help me cope. I know that I can not get better until he is out of my life and honestly now that i can see clearly i know i did this to myself. I don’t blame him. I take full responsibilty. Now it is time for me to heal and I will. Again, thanks everyone. This site is really a huge support for me 🙂 I know my story sounds lijke complete soap opera drama. I can’t even believe it myself-that i got so self destructive and low.
Maria and Heartbroken – My heart goes out to you both. Heartbroken, you are stronger and more courageous than you know at this point–to realize you need help and seek it on your own is a very courageous thing to do. It’s all about you now, and the life events that have brought you where you are today will eventually bring you to a much better place in your life. Maria, your story is very similar to mine. I am in the process of removing my EUM from my life, and regaining my self-esteem and confidence, but still some days are good, some days are bad. We are all human, we all want love–we just have to learn how to find it from the people that are available to give it to us. This site is a saving grace for a lot of us, especially for those of us who don’t have the support from family or friends. My thoughts are with you, Maria and Heartbroken–stay strong!
To all of us girls, we are at different stages of healing but we all started a the same place. That’s what brought us all together. None of us are stupid, weak women. We fell for the wrong guys. We believed in them. We gave our hearts and souls and minds and bodies to them. But what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger. I will know what to look for and I know when to get out. I will not settle for someone who doesn’t think I’m as great as I think I am. I will not settle for someone who doesn’t give back what I give. Heartbroken, be very PROUD of yourself. You are so on your way now and we’ll be here for you. Maria- We all know your pain. I don’t know if you have hit the wall yet where YOU WANT him out of your life. The beginning is so hard. You’re torn between knowing he needs to go but you still hang on. We’ve all done it. Everyone on here had their moment of clarity “WTF am I doing?” Yours will come. He will do something or say something that will open your eyes forever. And then it will begin. You will see him and everything about him differently. FinallyOverIt- I feel so bad for you without family and friends support. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. And we are all here for you. I had the best support system -my family and friends were (are) there with me every step of the way. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. And yes, I am almost 9 weeks NC and some days are still bad for me. Not as devastating as the first few weeks- I can’t remember when I cried last, but I still have some times of anger (again not as bad) but I have lost the desire to cantact him. Sometimes nice thoughts about him enter my mind but they are now bittersweet. And yes sometimes, I miss him. But when YOU decide that it’s a road you can’t travel anymore, you know there is nothing he can do or say that would make you want him back. He’s said and done it all before. So, I don’t want to live wondering when he’s going to leave again or if we were married, when will he want to divorce. Nooooo. Everyone keep up the good work and stay strong. All should be proud.
wow ladies, busy day.. and Linda is right.. we have all been down the same road, some worse than others.. I had a really bad day yesterday, today is better.. I have finally figured out my EUM’s game.. doesn’t make it easy but i’m starting to not even really like him all that much.. He is basically a hypocritical liar, that will probably never divorce and keep riding the coat tails of weak women.. He is in for a big surprise b/c he now thinks he can draw me back in, but i know that nothing changes.. i do know that now.. and that’s what hurts the most i think, not really falling off the NC wagon but the rejection.. but now all my questions are answered and i don’t think there is a chance anymore.. it doesn’t make it easy and does swipe at my self esteem but i know i’ll get over it..
stay strong
Hey Ladies…all I can say is wow!!! So much has gone on in this blog the last few days!!! Thanks to everyone for all the encouragement and good thoughts. Yes Im still in NC with my ex EUM..I have to say the past days I thought about him a little bit more than usual. No reason really other than perhaps feeling nostalgic. What helps me is thinking about the worst thing he’s ever done to me and I instantly snap out of it. I no longer call it a ‘struggle’I sleep well, eat well, im laughing again-no painful pit in my stomach. But yes I do still think of him time to time and I now know it wont be like this forever. There is a light @ the end of the tunnel. I realized that for the first time this wk. My heart goes out to Heartbroken,Maria, Kim, Sheila to all of you who are still coming to grips with leaving these men. Its really a great world once you get out from under your EUM’s cloud. You dont realize that the whole time you were with your EUM that you were not breathing your trapped in a closed closet. Then once you’re freed you take in a breath of fresh air-God it feels great! If there was a way you ladies could experience it I would gurantee you wouldnt go back to your EUMS. I dont want to sound like the healed one out of the group bc I still have a long way to go before I get 100pct better. Linda can vouch for this when I say you can get there and feel like a new woman. Even if you’re taking baby steps so what-as long as you’re taking steps and not remaining stagnant. I asked Sheila this question “Would you allow a con artist to con you out of $$?? And lets say you KNOW he’s trying to scam you-would you let him do it anyway-clean your bank account out??” No friggin way!!! So why allow these jerks to rob you of your hard drive (your heart, mind & soul)!!!! They are con artists!!!
I want to say that Im strong enough to reject my EUM if he comes sniffing again. Im not affected by him anymore. And for those who forgot I did too break my NC once but I jumped right back on the NC horse and am still there. Ladies have faith and hope and you will get there. Stay strong ladies…I hope my blog tmrw can be as positive as todays-like I said Im still a work in progress! Stay Strong!!
NML, is it possible that we arent really in love with these EUM’s???? Could it be more described as dependent?? Bc it surely isnt a healthy love. Are we fooling ourselves believing it is?
Yes, I agree with you Gia, we do become dependent on them in such an unhealthy way. They somehow have convinced us that we can’t live without them- we will never love, laugh, feel beautiful without them. It’s horrible how we do become soooo dependent on their actions and their approval. I would have done anything for my ex EUM, in fact I offered to do anything to “save our relationship”. What was I thinking?? So, I fooled myself into thinking that he would fall madly in love with me again if I was the perfect girlfriend. Instead, I became the desparate, insecure person who probably looked pathetic to him. Eating all the scraps he threw to me. Yuk!!! He can throw his bones to some other girl cuz I certainly don’t ever want to feel like that again. I’m me and if you like me great and if you don’t I won’t be changing to get you to like me. Keep up the good work
Well as you all can imagine. I am done with my xmm. So done. I am just beginning the healing process and rebuilding of my life. I think the toughest time is just starting for me, but as for him as i said a couple of times i ended it last week via email. I don’t even care at this point if he stumbles on my door. I just don’t care. I have so much more to focus on now. I like everyone else here knows letting go is so hard, but honestly look at me as an example. They just are not worth it. I destroyed my life over this – i think because honestly i could not handle what i was doing to myself. They just are not worth it.
Good for you Heartbroken. Yes, letting go is the hardest part but I think you have let go in your head- now let your heart follow. Your life is certainly not worth some a**hole. You’re going to do it this time. And I can’t wait to hear how you feel in a few short weeks let alone in a few months!! Stay strong
Question- why is it these men come back when you break it off with them? If I tell him he can’t come by or he realizes that my phone number changes why would he continue to come around? I mean if someone was rejecting me in that way i would never go near them again. Is it that they can’t accept that we are over it? or that as you said before our word means nothing? I mean if i have changed my phone number (although i let him in after) and then ended it wouldn’t that be enough for him to stay away?
heartbroken, he comes back because HE CAN and you LET HIM come back – over and over and over….He knows that you love him, think about it, the only way he can have control over a person is if this person loves him.
He will stay away once your ACTIONS show him that you are done. You can keep on changing your phone number a 100 times, what does it matter – you let him in when he comes to your house. I would not answer the door, period.
Do this a few times and he will stay away.
I think the main reason they come back is because they can. Because we let them. They know that eventually we will give in. And guys’ like a chase. So, when we refuse, they chase is on and they know they will always win. We will give in. Unfotunately because we don’t stick to our words. It becomes almost like a habit. Quit, start, quit, start. I don’t think they see it as rejection. My girlfriend has an EUM that calls her about every 2-3 weeks and it is always the same- he wants to know if he can cook her dinner (which always leads to sex) and then he disappears for another couple of weeks. Point is: she will refuse his invitation (he calls and asks EVERY NIGHT when he’s chasing her) for weeks and sometimes months – talk about rejection. But he keeps calling and asking because he knows eventually she’ll give in. Here’s another thought for you: You said if someone was rejecting you in that way , you would never go near them. Think about it this way – he does reject you in that way. He may not say the words- hey we’re over, etc, but his actions have said -hey we’ll never be anything but sex partners because I don’t love you or respect you enough for anything else. It’s rejection. I think we get confused because someone wants to sleep with us. We equate that with love someone caring about us. It’s not. If you have to been hidden and a secret- that’s not love. That’s rejection. So look at it that way if it helps you. Stay strong
good post Linda… Gia, had a good point when I was talking with her.. Look at them as “dead” and start the mourning process.. I have also heard therapists say that to get over break ups that are difficult..
It is all so hard, and the writing is on the wall.. I’m not sure what my EUM would do if 3 , 4 or 5 weeks past.. I have only gotten to about 12 days… and he tried every day (with the exception of his vacation).. just one text.. everyday just one text.. until he finally he dug deep and I couldn’t resist.. I regret that so much.. you guys have no idea.. now i’m back to square one and I’m sure he’ll snicker when it starts again.. until time goes by and they don’t even bother me anymore and he is out of my head…. it’s like a drug, i’m convinced of it.. people get thru worse things, ladies.. we can do this..
it is like a drug. Look up love addiction on google and you will see some really interesting articles. I am learning about this in my substance abuse program.
Sheila- you are so right. You do have to look at them as “dead”. Hey they are dead weight were tagging along. And it is soooo a grieving process. It is a fact that divorce and break up is the number 2 stress after death of a spouse. But it is like a death. The death of a relationship, friendship all the things we have grown to have in our lives. So yes girls, grieve and move on – if we were married and our spouses died at a young age- nobody would fault us for moving on. Sheila, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are getting your drug out of your system. After the withdrawals it will get easier. I assure you. And we don’t care what he will do at week 4, 5, 6- we only care where you are at that point. I don’t care where my ex EUM is at 8 1/2 weeks, I just know I am getting my self confidence back my only regret at this point is that I wasted so much time on him. I’m now 43 instead of 38 when I started dating him. Heck, I could have been remarried by now and in a healthy relationship. But I thought I loved him and he me. Life lessons…….
i can’t wait to get to that point. It is weird though because i am not really mourning. I sometimes wonder if he will show up at my door -but i think that is pure ego. Right now i am not mourning. I am just done. I think i have just finally had enough. I think everyone will get to that point. I just could not go on with this crap anymore.
Good way to look @ it Heartbroken-whatever it takes to get thru it. Enough is enough! I mourned my ex EUM-still am to some degree but Im coping so much better. Keep up the positive outlook.
does anyone have any advice on how to forgive yourself? I just don’t know how to forgive myself for letting this destroy my life. I am embarrassed and humiliated.
Heartbroken what works for me is chalking it up to ‘momentary insanity’. There’s really no other way to look @ it. At times I look back and think OMG I cant believe I let this guy treat me that way, how could I not have seen it??? When I get those thoughts I push them back bc the more you think of it the longer it takes for the healing process to kick in. As for forgiving yourself-what for?? For being vulnerable, falling in love??? You did nothing but open your heart-these idiots are the ones who are in need of forgiveness!
Heartbroken, Don’t be embarrassed or humiliated. It’s called a mistake and EVERYONE makes them. The prettiest, richest, smartest people in the whole world make mistakes. Now, you tell yourself that you made a mistake, work on repairing youself and your life. YOU are the focus now. And as long as you know you won’t ever make the same mistake again, you know you will stop yourself before you get into a similar situation, you have forgiven yourself. Work on yourself – the self esteem, the substance abuse issue – that’s all anyone wants for you. We all have felt like we ruined our lives for these guys and we have all be embarrassed and humiliated. But when the new Heartbroken turns into the butterfly we know is in there, nobody will care about this time in your life. Stay strong and don’t beat yourself up over it. It was a mistake- that’s all – nothing more nothing less.
And Gia is so very right. We all fell in love, shut our eyes to all the red flags and LOVED someone with all we had to give!!!!
Nobody should be embarrassed or humiliated for loving!!!!
Thank you Astelle, NML, Gia, Sheila, Heartbroken, FinallyOverIt and everyone else.
Linda, you are right that my EUM does not think he has done wrong by me, and even I can see he hasn’t. He never lied to me. Whichever way I look at it, he “used†me because I let myself be used. The responsibility to stop it when I knew he wouldn’t give me what I wanted lay with me and not with him.
Foolishgirl, for me too the question “Why her and not me?†is probably the hardest, most hurtful and most pervading. WHY HER? What does she give him that I didn’t? Where was I lacking? Rationally, I tell myself one cannot control attraction, but emotionally it tears me apart to compare myself to the “successful GFâ€. I know that it is very self-destructive to dwell on this, and I honestly try not to, but sometimes I can’t help it.
So I, like some others here, am also struggling to stop blaming myself for being so stupid, and trying not to hurt myself further. I think about it, I see an intelligent, educated woman who has voluntarily ignored all the logical and rational thoughts that should have nipped this story in the bud a long time ago. What am I to think? In that light, it is pretty hard to think of all this mess as an honest mistake. Instead, I can only see that I was weak and stubborn. Does this mean my character is weak and stubborn? I try to think not, but the evidence is not very encouraging. I clearly need time to get to know myself better.
I wish you all a good day, and thank you loads for everything, ladies.
Maria,
I completely understand how you feel. My ex husband still tells me that I am the smartest girl he has ever known. I, too, am educated- I have had 2 totally different careers. I am very good at my job. I have a nice home. I have never asked anyone for financial help since I’ve been single. I look pretty good fo 43 years old. Everyone I meet thinks I’m much younger. So, on paper what happened to me?????? I think when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s a whole different ballgame!!!! I have also looked backed and I cringe at how I was “taken” – I hate the way I must have looked to him- pathetic. Of course, I know why my guy picked the other girl- I became a boring pathetic, I’ll do anything for you girl.” It still turns my stomach that I didn’t say “f*uck you” way back in Nov and moved on with my life instead of being his “whore” for 3 months until I found out about her. Maybe it’s like Gia says- temporary insanity. I don’t know. I think they are good at what they do. Maybe we were missing something in our lives and they gave us that. I know my ex EUM was sooooo romantic. I never had that in my marriage. He Maybe they know our vunerability. All I know is that you can’t blame yourself for the rest of your life. You have to forgive yourself so that you can heal and move on. I did some soul searching during this time. I read books to find out why he is the way he is. I journaled. I learned alot about why I was with him and how I got there. That’s the important part. No you’re character is not weak and stubborn. You will begin to realize that once you start knowing yourself better. It will come and I bet so does forgiveness.
Linda.. I am starting the NC again, and as you can imagine it’s very difficult. Gia had told me
( we have become break up friends thru all this bs) that once you got contact with your EUM, he never contacted you. How did you feel at first? I mean, i bet that was difficult, the rejection, etc.. That’s what I am struggling with the most, I think.. the rejection… This past w/e after falling off the wagon, i then was rejected by him and that hurts the most.. the funny part? how has he rejected me after all the sht he has put me thru…
i have a letter/email i wrote, NML told me not send it, but i think i may.. it’s short to the point, not pathetic, not whiney, and basically tells him not to bother me, i have seen his true colors, i want no part of him or his friendship….i don’t sound angry or bitter either..
any advice on how to get past this?
Sheila, what do you mean by “once you got contact with your EUM, he never contacted you.”? Do you mean after YOU made the contact?
sorry.. i meant once Linda CUT contact with her EUM..
Sheila- don’t send the letter. Every choice that we have made in the past is the wrong one. I think NML has the most experience and is looking at this from an outside perspective so she is objective. I would follow her advice. don’t do it. It does not matter if it does not sound pathetic or not. The bottom line he will still know that you care and are thinking about this. Let it go. he is not worth it.
Also, by sending the letter you are breaking No Contact. Don’t do it. I have wanted to do this before and really somewhere in the back of your mind you want them to respond. I think based on my experience you have to ask yourself- if he had not rejected you like you think he has would you still be in this with him. I knew that i would have been. I really believe these men are like quitting smoking. Unless you are ready to put them down you will still be in it. Do you really want to be done with him? If so, don’t send the letter, grieve, and in your mind mourn him like he no longer exists in your life. i wish I had done this so long ago.
very good point.. point taken….
Sheila, you need to stop CHASING him please, it will get you nowhere. If you send the letter you know he won’t respond to it.
Then what are you going to do? Send a follow up letter? Please stick with NC or your pain will never stop.
He rejected you recently – don’t give him the chance to do it again.
Astelle.. at least we can laugh.. “send him a follow up letter”.. i’m laughing right now.. at myself and your point..
thanks ladies.. this is not easy.. but i feel much better today….
on another note.. heartbroken had a good point.. some of us have made enough bad decisions, it’s time take people’s advice who are healed and know first hand what works and more importantly what forces you to move forward.. i know NC is the way, i am not healed and have not moved forward.. I am better due to time, but have not taken the advice of NC under any circumstances.. that is why it’s 3 months later and I’m still driving by his house.. go ahead, laugh, it’s funny…
i got the message…and i know what to do… and i’m looking forward to doing it.. 😉
Sheila, I am glad it made you laugh. Listen, I chased and chased and I want you to stop it right now.
Driving by his house? Why? What are you expecting to find? Don’t turn into a stalker!
You need to stick with NC – where is your pride? – and stop wondering what he will do, NC is for you to heal and move on and not to see what his next move will be. Is like dancing, you make a step forward, he makes a step backwards and now you are not dancing anymore. Takes two to dance.
Sheila- if I was you I would block all ways in which he could ever get in contact with you. I think you once said you changed your number. i would change it again or block him somehow. Block his texts and emails. i did all of that. For me the worry is that he just shows up at my door in the middle of the night. But if that is ever to happen again I will never answer it. Do whatever it is you have to do to be done with him.
i did change my number once.. and actually switched phone plans about a month ago to a plan where i could block numbers.. yes, I could block his number and texts… i feel as if that crys out desperation to him though..
No, it doesn’t cry desperation to him, it will tell him, game over, she is done!
You sending that letter screams desperation.
Sheila, stop making excuses, if this is too hard for you to do, then go ahead and contact him, ask him out for drinks. Maybe, just maybe, you need to be “kicked” by him one more time.
Let me ask you, what does it take for you to stop chasing him? What does he have to do to you for you to stop chasing?
I am hurting for you.
astelle.. i am not sending the letter, and fell of the NC wagon, once not 20 times.. I will not contact him or text him that is easy to me…as far as him reaching out to me.. I’m done..
He will not kick me again, and I hit RB this w/e..
And yes, of course this is hard
Sheila- I don’t want you to think we are ganging up on you but I agree with Astelle. Listen I have only been out of this for a week but the difference is I hit rock bottom and from that point I had no where else to go but to stop this. To stop letting this man lower me to a place I had never been before. I don’t know if you are there yet. Astelle is right in that you are making excuses. I use to make excuses like well it is such an inconvenience for me to change my number or he is not going to contact me anyway. If you are not done with him trully in your mind, although rationally you know you should be, but your heart is not there than accept that you are not done. Send the letter, contact him to talk, but as I said before until you are ready this is just going to continue. It is like losing weight, stopping smoking etc. You don’t do those things unless you are trully ready. I think you really need to figure this out within yourself. When I use to feel that i was being rejected by my xmm I would always do no contact and say i am done, but the minute he came back around I was all over him. I was just reacting to how he was behaving not really what i wanted. So at those times i did not want no contact. no one is going to judge you if you go back. We have all been there. I have a million times. You just really need to search your heart. If you done then you need to do everything possible to be done and you know what although i don’t think changing your number makes you look desperate- in reality who cares what he thinks.
i have no choice but to be done.. for my own sanity, my anxiety, and my life!!! It’s not fair that he is not bothered one ounce by this bs… i did the NC , gave in, and it was back to the same sht…. he won FKING AGAIN!!!! I was so RB this w/e.. On Sunday i had such anxiety, i lost control, drove by his house, panicked, panickd, panicked… I get it, but i just feel so frigin stupid.. that’s how I feel, and I feel like that b/c i have not taken control of this… and you guys are right.. who the hell cares what he thinks..I have to stop focusing on him and get back to me.. i truly cannot take this hurt, rejection and anxiety anymore.. it’s consuming my life..
i will block him..
block him and keep him blocked. Believe me you will feel such relief. I know that for myself I felt that without this in my life what would i have. I would feel so empty. But you will feel so free and you will have time to focus on you. Why go on feeling miserable. get over this now. don’t go back. it will never change. he will never change. so either accept his crap or get out. There are no choices. That is the problem. But the difference is staying is a lifetime of pain. leaving you have temporary pain and then happiness. No letters, no texts, no calls, block him.
Sheila, my intent is really not to hurt your feelings, I just want to help you to get over him!
Over time you will feel better and look at him in a total different light.
Who cares if he is bothered by this BS, he is a miserable creature and doesn’t know it.
ok.. i get it.. and i understand..
with blocking i don ‘t have to wory about that text that comes in just as i’m turning the corner or starting to see the light at the end of this sucky tunnel
Exactly. Also, re-read your break up book. You have all of us for support. Start focusing on something for you. For me it is recovering from what i have done to my self esteem. Not about him, but how to repair me. I am trying to put all the energy and focus on how i use to wonder if i would see him again to me and only me. These guys are not suffering like we are so why should we give them that. We have given them enough. Start thinking about being free from him and meeting someone who will LOVE you. This treatment is not love.
i officially just blocked him..enough of this nonsense.. i’m going thru the summer like this..
Hi girls – I haven’t been on here for awhile. I’ve been pulling myself out of that black hole I still fall into now & again. It has been 6 months since my break up & after all of my reading on EUM’s I still find myself depressed at times. It is during those times that I ask myself “Was he just EU to me?” “Was there something he saw in me he just didn’t like?” “What makes her THE ONE?” The pain gets so bad I don’t care if he was EU & tell myself why didn’t you just shut your trap & not expect so much? Why did you over analyze everything? Why couldn’t you just have fun like he asked? Did he keep you at arms length in case you never moved back? Was he buying his kids some emotional time? Why didn’t you move back home to be with him if you knew it would hurt like this? NOTHING is worth this pain, this loneliness. Then after a few days go by I come back to reality & tell myself YOU did not cause his EU. YOU did not cause his strange behavior. One of the 1st things I noticed about him was his need for ego stroking. Did I cause that? No. I did not deserve to be lied to & misled by a 45 year old man! This is about what HE needed and always has been. Even if it was just too soon after his breakup & he isn’t EU to the “new girl” it wasn’t fair to me & he didn’t give me enough. I remind myself of his narcisstic comments when I would get the 5 minute phone call after 2 weeks of not hearing from him & he would say “Do you want 5 minutes or nothing?” I recall a text message saying “I want a piece of ass!” I recall him telling me “I hate telling you I love you”. Talk about emotional abuse & f*ing with someone’s mind! I recall the constant contradictions like saying let’s take a trip together! Let’s do it! Then coming back 10 min’s later & saying “Let’s wait until everything is final & we can start our new lives together.” I didn’t sit by & take everything he dished out but I didn’t leave either. Why? I hope what I am going to say helps some of you. It is not meant to make you feel worse. We all have helped one another by sharing our stories. The truth is I have been alone 8 years & not dated because I’ve had a wall up. My husband of 13 years cheated on me. He DID leave me for the woman he had an affair with. Although that is rare I am just trying to give you the other woman’s perspective so that maybe some of you can maybe take something from it to help you move on. The affair was devastating to me & my children. I dropped to my knees when I found out. I had to go out into the working world after 10 years of being a stay at home mom & support my children with no degree. I lost my house, my car, & was forced into bankruptcy & foreclosure. Do you know what it is like to have to sit your 5 & 10 year old children down & tell them daddy won’t be living with us anymore? My 5 yr old son asked “Mom but who will be my dad”? I left my support system of family & friends to get away from his psycho girlfriend. She got pregnant & had a baby before we ever got divorced. Honestly, it took a part of me I never got back & my children have never been the same. It had been the worst thing I had ever gone through UNTIL my EUM experience. Sometimes it all is too much to bare. Those of you who know me know that an old boyfriend from 25 years ago looked me up last year. He emailed me & said he often thought of me. After months of him pursuing me I agreed to meet him. He told me that I had his heart always had & that we belonged together. He fed me every line in the book. Did I fall for it? HELL YES! Linda – how about this one “When we broke up 25 years ago I used to cry on my way back to college. My heart ached knowing I wouldn’t see you every day”. Did I believe him? Why not? What reason did I have not to? It took everything I had to put myself back out there. He knew what I had been through & his wife had an affair as well so he knew what that felt like. Did I have a clue what an EUM was at the time? No. Did I know that he was lying to me for his own ego? No. Did I ever imagine that an old love that said he never had a relationship that ever came close to ours was just lying & using me? No. Had I known I would NEVER have stayed & niether would any of you so we need to try & forgive ourselves. How do we do that & move on? I don’t have the answers because I am still struggling with that after almost a year. What I do know is I DIDN’t deserve it. That I couldn’t have caused it. That eventually his “true” self has got to come out. Maybe he will get married to this “new girl”. I hate thinking that. I hate thinking I could have been the one holding his hand, going to parties & football games & concerts with him like he always said we would do, just having a freakin’ companion. I blame myself for the distance & for not moving back where he & all of my family are because that will be my end result anyway. I wonder would it have been different if I was there as he said the distance was very difficult for him. Even NML says long distance relationship rarely work. Maybe I got off lucky. At the end of the day like Linda says, the “talk” is their game, that is what hooked us. It isn’t who they truly are & they never do anything wrong. He takes no repsponsibility for the demise of his marriage when all he did was flirt with other women & treat them with more respect than his wife. I agree with Linda – it is never their fault. He called her “trash” for having an affair yet he cheated on me & the girl he is with now. He doesn’t see it that way. He is just “dating” don’t you know & what we don’t know won’t hurt us right? Even though he tells each one of us that he is “in love” & wants a future. IT IS ABOUT FEEDING THEIR INSECURE EGOS & ALWAYS WILL BE! Who wants to be with someone that only thinks of themselves when the chips are down? We meant nothing to them. My insecurities cause me to go back & forth on all of this but I have to believe that the “new girl” is filling his need somehow as well. I’m sure his soon to be ex wife could vouch for that! Sometimes I want to call her & ask just to end the madness!
You girls are all correct. Sheila- I did the same thing you have done for the 5 years I dated my ex EUM. I always kept the door open for him. When he broke up with me before, I was available online to talk to him. One time, I sent a card with a huge loving note in it blah blah blah. I would go shopping by his house because they had such a great garden center (1 hour from my house).. I made all the excuses for him and to contact him, etc.. THIS time, I CLOSED the door. He is still blocked from my email and IM. It’s VERY hard at first, and in the beginning when I still was hoping he would contact me ( because I think we all HOPE for that at first), I just kept thinking if he really wants to get in touch with me, he will. I really don’t know if he has tried to email me- My guess is that he has but I have it automatically deleted. I have had some blocked calls on my cell phone with no messages- and it wasn’t the only person I know who comes up private. ( I asked her). First, he had no problems chasing me and finding ways to contact me or see me 5 years ago when he wanted me. Second, IF he EVER wants to contact me, it WILL not be easy for him. He put me thru hell, so if he ever wants to contact me, he can go thru hell. The first few weeks, I repeatedly told myself EVERYDAY, he doesn’t love me and why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me?? After a few weeks, I actually believed it. Now, I don’t want to hear from him. I don’t want to be friends and I don’t want to know what’s going on in his life. That’s why his whole family and friends are also blocked from my email and IM. I think it started as a defensive mechanism for me- WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW, CAN’T HURT YOU. So, of course my imagination ran wild for quite a few weeks but now, I just don’t care. When I would start talking to my girlfriend about how he was probably so happy with his new girlfriend, she would always show me the other side- maybe they are not even together anymore- maybe she dumped him. It’s easier to live in MY world- the one where he’s miserable. He won’t hurt me again. I never want to feel again like you do now. And it’s not love, not healthy love anyway. I guess I just got to the point I felt like I ate so much of his shit for 5 years that when I found out about the other girl, it was my LAST STRAW. It was my last humiliation. It made me see that after all our time together- all our years, trips, engagement- that’s what I was worth to him?? That’s how much respect he had for me?? To lie and cheat and not know how to tell me he was seeing someone else while he screwed me?? It was my RB. So, now, I’m climbing back out of that hole and it does get better. This week has been hard- we were supposed to be on vacation together (I’m sure the new girl was instead) and that still stings but I don’t want him back……. He made his bed and now he can lie in it. He does have a conscience, so I know somewhere along the line, he will feel bad. And that’s my satisfaction. That and he’ll never know if I have forgiven him. Remeber they are usually very insecure, so I know my ex EUM was all about people liking him. The night he broke up with me, I told him I hated him – he cried, cried- tears, the whole deal. So, I know at sometime, he’ll want to know I don’t have hard feelings toward him. Satisfaction: he’ll never know.
i agree Linda.. if they want to find you it’s not that hard.. it sends a huge message.. i am so so sick of the emotional roller coaster.. It’s time to get off this ride an get the hell out of the park!!!
Kim,
You made me chuckle!! It’s amazing that they ALL use the same lines, too!! Is there a book they read?? I, like you, did not know what an EUM was, didn’t see all the red flags- I fell in love with someone I thought felt the same way. I know my ex EUM is with the new girl because it’s exciting, new, fun, new ego stroking. That’s all these girls have over us. NEWNESS!! And I know I can’t compete with that. Sure it’s great to have your ego stroked in a new way after having it stroked the same way for all these years. That’s the need these new girls fulfill. That and the constant need to be in control of their freedom- their singleness. But eventually the honeymoon is over and all those new relationships will be, too. That’s when they try to come back. Their true colors will come out. Kim, you’re guy is truly a d*ckhead. He’s actually SAID horrible things to you. Mine wasn’t mentally or physically abusive. Just a commitment phobe. Kim, I have a question for you. Do you think that you are EU right now because of what happened with your husband?? Maybe that was why this EUM came back in your life. You’re EU right now and this will be such a growing experience for you. You definately learned what you DON’T want. I was actually somewhat EU with my husband because of some childhood issues. And then I hooked up with a EUM- I have learned sooooooo much about my emotional self thru all this. I keep telling myself I went thru all this so my next relationship will be the one. I know when I’m EU and I know how to spot an EUM. So, I should get it right pretty soon!!!
Sheila, that’s how I still feel. You know where I work, you know where I live, you know my address, cell number, my familys’ emails, my family phone numbers, my friends phone numbers. There are ways if you really need to get a hold of someone. I think they become chicken. I think my ex EUM is running so scared right now because I have never done this before. He doesn’t know what to do with all this. I always made up, made friends with him, enabled him to sleep soundly at night. Not this time. Yes, don’t send the letter. I packed up all my ex EUM’s trinkets (little things that meant things to both of us – not gifts, sentimental things) and I was going to send it to him. My brother actually talked me out of it. He said, you won’t get to see his reaction to the box and you look like the pathetic, hurt “here’s getting even with you” baby. I put the box in the basement. He was right. No dragging it out. End. Cold turkey.
tell me i’ll feel better !!!!!
Not today, maybe not tomorrow, but YES you will feel better. I’m very glad I didn’t send him anything. Think of it this way. Give yourself time and if in 6 months from now, you want revenge, get even then. Revenge is a dish best seved cold. Maybe someday, when he’s really moved on, I’ll send it to him. Surprise!! I HOPE I don’t feel that way in 6 months but right now because it’s all fresh, I do. I think the lesson is NOT to do anything now while we are emotionally f*cked up. Give it time and see how we feel. You do know that that letter isn’t going to change his mind about anything. He will still be a d*ck. ( I haven’t figured out the male equivilant of a c*nt). Cuz that’s what they are. He won’t turn into prince charming or fall madly in love with you. At first, NC was the only thing I hadn’t tried. I cried, yelled, talked, used sex, used guilt, begged- anything I could do. It didn’t change a thing. So, NC was all that was left. But it’s amazing how things become so much clearer after a few weeks. How you start feeling like a strong woman again. Not some meek, coward that will say how high when he says jump.
Linda, I don’t think he became chicken, he is busy with that new girl, right?
Why would he be too chicken to make contact?
Just wondering.
i feel that way too.. i have not tried NC yet.. and everything else has not helped me move on..
this is the answer!!!!!!!!!!!!
does anyone ever feel like a pang of anxiety over the loss? I am feeling like that now. Like i am scared not to have this hell in my life.
or nervous not to have him anymore.
Another busy day I see on the site…i think it can be a little of both Astelle. Sometimes these men dont like confrontation so @ whatever cost they just stay away bc they know once they initiate contact the tears and poor me game will start and to be honest these men dont want to deal with it. Or it can be that they are just preoccupied with their fresh new ‘meat’ that its no biggie to them that you are no longer around. I think the key in healing is not to make excuses and just take the truth in the face even if it hurts. I equate it to my tattoo that i got-God it was painful but the end result was this beautiful work of art. When the needle first touched my skin it was painful but then I become numb to it and let the artist finish. Whatever works for you ladies-just do it-dont make excuses for why you cant or put if off for silly reasons. I still feel it a little everyday but I can cope -wouldnt trade how I feel now for how I felt before I left him.
Heartbroken all that you are feeling is natural. The anxiety, pain, nervousness-all those feelings are signs that these relationships were all wrong for us. Im 8wks into NC (if you want to call it that) and there is zero anxiety..pain is slightly there not much, the nervousness is there a little too but only bc we work in the same company and its a little awkward if/when i run into him. But I can tell you if we didnt work together I would not be nervous @ all.
I can assure you ladies these men are NOT blogging about us all day, not having anxiety attacks, nor losing sleep bc of us!
Linda – Wierd! You & I are the same age & I believe my issues are from childhood as well! Maybe we had the same parents? LOL If you can believe this my marriage was actually a rebound from my relationship with this EUM from 25 years ago! I truly don’t remember him being this way & we dated for 4 years! I only saw him on the weekends so who knows who he was bangin’ when I wasn’t around. I was so young & nieve. We had a great sex life & attraction back then. Do you realize what it was like to get another chance with him after all I had been through? I had nothing but good memories of him. I truly thought it was fate. I didn’t realize it was a bruised ego! He had heard I never got over him. I think he came to me from his marriage failing. He lied & said he was over it. I fought him on it for months. Many people told me he should have divorced years ago. I NEVER expected him to lie like he did. I sometimes think maybe he did actually want to give it a try but he just had so many other EUM traits. I have grown a lot through my experiences & called him on every flag I saw. I just couldnt understand how someone could tell you such loving things & their actions were SO different. I didn’t get that at all until this site. With the distance & the fact these guys can’t stand being alone he moved right on to the next ego stroker because she was readily avaiable. I truly thought he meant what he said that he had met no one that compared to our realtionship so I didn’t expect him to move on. Looking back I kind of broke it off. I sensed something wasnt right & there was someone else. Did he man up? Hell no. Who knows how long he was seing us both & had I not questioned him he may still be seeing us both! I commend you for being so strong & the lack of contact. There is no other way. I have done the same thing. I f*d with him for awhile as he emailed me last in March. There is another part to my story as I think he needs me for something business related & that was part of his motivation when looking me up as well. He emailed me in March asking for my help & I actually lured him via email & he took the bait. I was saving the emails of him still agreeing to “hook up” at ANY time to use as ammunition if needed but I’ve never used it. Loser. I bet his girlfriend would love to know he screwed me after they became such an “item” & that he STILL agrees to! THAT was my motivation to ditch the guy. He doesn’t even know I am broken up over this. He thinks I still just “dig” him because he is so special.
Sheila – when I was home at xmas I hooked up with my EUM. I wanted to prove to myself he was a player. I thought it would bring me closure. It didn’t. It made me feel worse. The minute he was done screwing me he went to check his cell phone to see if he got a text from his “girl”. He to this day doesn’t know I know about her. Something else – he never ONCE made a noise during sex in the yr we dated. He went out of his way to please me & was a freak in bed but the minute I was the “other” woman he made plenty of noises. If that isn’t sick I don’t know what is. I have raised 2 kids on my own, bought my own house & worked my way back from bankruptcy, etc. I left my hometown & everyone I knew & have been totally alone so I KNOW why I latched on to this like there was no tomorrow! I was SO ready for a relationship. I am DONE being single. To answer your question Linda I have a fear of getting involved with men & of being alone. I am not sure why other than my childhood. This EUM situation didn’t help much & I don’t have much comparison of relationships to go by other than they both pursued me & I didn’t have to put myself out there. I think it all comes down to self love. At 43 I still haven’t learned that & thought I had. I am dealing with that now in therapy as well as my fear of men. Kudos to you for gettin’ back out there! Too bad we all can’t get together & party some of this misery away! We should plan a yearly trip! LOL Talk about a support group! LOL
GiaNYC – You are right about the guys! They have moved on!
Astelle- I do think that he is busy with his new girl but I also think he is chicken. First, he would have to say he’s sorry. His big ole ego would have to admit he made a mistake. He would have to explain why he would do that to someone he wanted to marry. They aren’t stupid. They know right form wrong. And they don’t like to be wrong. Second, he wasn’t going to tell me about his new girlfriend so he could keep me as his fall back girl. He was going to play both sides. So, when I found out and confronted him, he didn’t close the door. He answered my phone calls until I stopped calling. So, I think that NOW that I have closed the door and not contacted him, he is afraid to contact me. He hates confrontation. He hated it when we dated. And in his usual fashion, about 3 weeks after I confronted him, he has made himself available for me to contact him. He is visible online frequently. That was our usual first contact after a break up. He could block me. We live an hour apart, he could disappear out of my life like I did his. It doesn’t matter if he’s chicken or happy or dead, I’m getting him out of my life.
Kim, good for you. I think you are on the track to self love. I dealt with my childhood EU issues while I was married but I think it just didn’t help my marriage. There was a lot of damage done. I was better emotionally with my ex EUM which of course became a whole other problem but it’s all been a learning experience. I’m still getting there. I knew my ex EUM had something going on also but I so wanted to believe his lies because he was so convincing. Yes, I heard it all, too. We were destined, soulmates, blah blah. I do think he loved me and wanted the things he said but when it comes down to crunch time, he just can’t commit. It’s sad.
Heartbroken- yep, the anxiety, sleepless nights, stomach ache, lack of energy- all normal. I, like Gia, don’t have the anxiety anymore (I had my first panic attack 2 days after I started NC) but it still sucks sometimes. I just tell myself that this man has been in my life for so very long, I can’t expect myself to be over it in 2 months. That’s all it’s been- feels like a lifetime since I’ve seen or heard his voice. But 2 months isn’t that long and the flip side is that I’ve come so far in that time. Keep strong.
So i am having a slip back moment. Wondering if he will ever show up here again. Ughh. I know i should NOT care. It is just wild for me to think that it is over. It has been a year and half and i can’t believe that it is done. That I actually won’t see this person again in my life.
Heartbroken, it won’t be the last slip back moment. We all get nostalgic , we miss them, their presence. Just keep thinking about what you are to him and how he treats you and that he sleeps with his wife every night. When sentimental thoughts fill your head, think of the bad things. Eventually, you will train yourself to think about him that way. I do. I still push the good thoughts out of my head. Someday, they won’t be as painful. And keep telling yourself that you deserve so much more than what he’s given you. Keep your life goals in your thoughts. Think about the husband and family you want and he’s never going to give that to you. And what are you really losing?? How much has he really been in your life?? Does he attend family functions with you?? Holidays?? Weddings?? Does he spend time with your family?? Do you spend time with his?? If you had to go to the hospital for an emergency, can you call him to come and take you?? Can he spend the night at the hospital with you when one of your family is sick?? Can you walk proudly down the street on his arm?? What would he introduce you as?? I don’t think he is in your life as much as you think he is. Stay strong and you will have someone who is IN your life.
Ladies, good morning. It has been busy here, I see. I pushed aside my misgivings and met up with my guy yesterday. It was sad, but it was necessary. Painful things came out in the open, and I was glad to see that some soul-searching had also been going on with him. Basically he says he loves me, misses me, but will respect whatever I decide to do. I told him I need no contact at all until I am ready, or until forever, depending on how it goes. He accepts that. He held me and cried into my hair. He’s unhappy with the situation… but he’s still not giving up his girl. It doesn’t matter to me at this point. He must make his decisions, and I have made mine.
So, how am I feeling now? Calmer, but definitely sadder. I am not harbouring toxic negative feelings for him now, but there is such finality to where we are that my sadness is really deep. It hurts me to think that it is really over now. I am on my own. I can’t count on him any more, I can’t rely on his support, I can’t share things I would like to share with him. It tears at my heart to think of never seeing him again, never talking to him. I feel lonely, and tearful. Meeting up with him has definitely set me back, but I felt like I couldn’t advance much more without having this talk with him. I hope I can now get to the same point I was more easily and quickly because my feelings are “cleanerâ€. And then it’s onward from there. But it will be a while before I get my own cheerful self back.
Sheila, I’m no one to talk, but I guess everyone else’s advice here on not contacting him again is spot on. Basically, we all know that in the long run NC is our best bet towards moving on. But it doesn’t help that it hurts so much at this point. I wish for you to be strong.
Linda, Kim and Gia, thank you for such good advice and reflections. It was not directed at me, but I benefit from it anyway. I will come back and read through the posts when I am feeling low.
Heartbroken, did you ever have a pet as a child? I did, and I was heartbroken when my dog died. It has been many many years since, but I still occasionally think about that little dog, sometimes with love, sometimes with sadness. It doesn’t stop me getting on with my life. I think it works the same way with these intense relationships. You will never be able to forget entirely — these memories are with you for the long haul… but you will learn to think of your EUM as someone that was there for a while and then wasn’t any more. And on the plus side, whatever you learn from the experience will be positive for your growth. I need to concentrate on this idea in order to move forward now.
Do you every have those days where all you want to do is cry? That’s how I feel today. I am so incredibly sad and heartbroken (again) and I have that awful anxious feeling and that painful feeling in my chest. A year ago, I started seeing a therapist when things got this bad and it helped (can’t afford one right now anymore) and I vowed I would never feel that way again. I wish I never answered his apologetic email after 2 months of NC a year ago.
Lately we have been at a standstill. I have accepted that maybe we can be friends. But everything is in his terms. Anytime he wants to do something and it’s usually during the week, I will try and go. But when I ask him to do something, he’s always got something going on or doesn’t feel good or whatever. I have told him point blank that he does not make me a priority and all he says is that he’s been trying. I read this quote somewhere the other day and it has really stuck with me, and I try to think about it whenever i start feeling sad – “Never make someone a priority when they consider you an option”. It’s so true, but why can’t follow it? The other night, I was having a really bad day and I asked if we could get a quick bite to eat so i could vent, and he didn’t respond until 2 hours later and he said he couldn’t cause he was having a fight with his gf. So, i let it go. Didn’t respond. Well the next day, as if nothing happened, he invites me to lunch during his lunch hour (the ONLY time we seem to get together) so he vent. I realize he is SO self involved. He never even asked about my bad day.
Anyways, that was the last time we talked yesterday afternoon, and it was kinda left at an awkward point. I told him I no longer want do things during the week during his lunch hours and if he wants to see me, make time for me when more effort has to be involved. I did not hear from him all night. I know he will email or text me eventually, but it will be something random to get a convo started or to ask me to lunch during his lunch hour (are they really this dense?) and I will say no. But why does this hurt so much?? I know I still have feelings and I know we probably can’t be friends, and I have tried to cut it off, but he is so freaking charming.
Maria, about 2 months ago, I had the same convo with my guy. Same stuff was said…..and I told him I needed time away from him. He said he would be miserable, but he would do as I asked….well guess what? After a week, he texts cause he is sad……and it took me awhile to see it, but it was a selfish move and so disrespectful. He knows I need to move on, but he won’t let me. So, i hope for your sake, he lives up to his words and respects your decision.
wow, busy week here.. everyone is doing good, and heartbroken, that is perfectly normal.. you don’t have a choice with your EUM..no choice at all.. you need to move on.. you have hit RB and like I have said over and over again, as have others… nothing we have done is right and has helped us.. except.. no contact… we have to do it.. if we don’t, it is now our fault we have not moved on.. I have accepted that I am to blame for some of this nonsense.. not anymore.. I blocked him and feel good.. no anxiety last night about the phone, but i still have weird dreams about him and the whole thing which i’m sure will pass.. I can guarantee he’s not dreaming about me.. LOL
stay strong.. and also… DID EVERYONE GET NML’S EMAIL? We should all do our best to help her out with her request… god knows she has helped us!!!!
Happy Friday…
Sorry, I didn’t receive any e-mail, and in fact I was not aware that there was some e-mail feature that I needed to activate or whatever. I’m pretty new here. If someone can inform, please do.
Foolishgirl, I am hoping my guy does in fact love me enough to let me go. I need that. If he doesn’t, then there’ll be all the more reason to just go on without looking back.
Sheila, didn’t get any email. Maria, you will hear from him again. Then it will be up to you to start NC. Don’t answer him. That will show his selfishness and disrespect. FoolishGirl- I know exactly how you feel because I have had such a horrible week. I think it is hormones but I have thought alot about him and I don’t know if I hate or love him. I don’t want to have contact with him (there’s still nothing to say) but it’s been my first low in 9 weeks. My girlfriend told me I need to go back to work (I’ve had alot of vaca time I neede to use). Foolishgirl, Don’t take this wrong but you’re not friends and you will never be friends. Do you treat your friends like that?? You know what he is – you say it in your blogs. Read your words- self involved and he couldn’t meet you when you needed him?? Then NEVER asked. He’s NOT your friend. Maybe you’re a friend to him but it’s a one-way street. And why do you want to torture yourself with hearing stories sbout the girlfriend?? I don’t want to know anything about my ex EUM’s girl. Like Sheila and I learned- quit making excuses and cut him out of your life. Maria, I hope this is your time now to really move forward with you and your life. Your hurt will dissapate. Stay strong.
Maria and Foolish Girl–I would not be friends with your EUM! I know it seems like it could work out, but believe me, it can be more painful in the long run than the relationship you had before. And it’s important to remember this: friendships should be a complete 50/50 give and take. Isn’t that the kind of relationship you have with your women friends? Can you honestly say that your EUM can provide that to you? True friendships are where both people equally care about each other, support each other and are always there for each other. Do you think your EUM would provide those things to you? Please don’t settle for friendship with these men because it’s a consolation prize, and a copout (in my opinion) on their part. If you have to chase after them just to see you as a friend, is that really friendship?
So i am just going through such an unfamiliar feeling. I feel insecure and anxious about not having this man in my life. Also disbelief that it is over and that i ended it. I can’t expect him to come back when i asked that he not come here anymore. It is just really weird. I guess i just need to readjust to not having him around. I do still wonder if he will stay away because i have always let him in even when i asked that he not contact me anymore. I mean this time he does not have my phone number. He only knows where I live. I don’t know. I wish I did not care. That is the hardest part. Letting go of wanting them to pursue even when you end it.
heartbroken.. i know exactly how you feel.. my div atty, who is also a friend, told me once that when you tell them to not contact you you take the chance they do the stand up thing and don’t… I have been there.. telling them not to contact you, and loving it that they still do, but the only difference is… NOTHING CHANGES… that is why you have to stick to the NC.. I told myself the next w/e would be different, but it never was after 10 times.. and it never will be.
Ya know yesterday I took some heat for contemplating blocking my EUM from my cell.. i told myself i could handle a call and ignore it if it came in, i told myself it’s empowering to ignore it, i told myself i will look desperate if i do that.. all excuses.. none of them true!!!! It is perfectly normal that you want them to pursue you, but it will not heal you b/c nothing will change.. Now I have blocked him, ok, it’s only been one day, he probaby thinks my phone is being loopy, but the anxiety is lifting not looking at the phone, wondering where he is, or stressing that he didn’t reach out to me. Now, I don’t know and if he decides to play his little game again, he can’t!!! Gia, had a very good point last night when I spoke to her… nothing changes til you take action and cut them out of your life for good. If anything were to come around, and that’s a big IF, usually by that time we have seen them for who they are, we are changed women by that time. Remember nothing has changed since all this went down… things will change now and you will finally feel better. I am by no means healed, but i know by the women on this site.
Sheila- I still have me ex EUM blocked form my email because I don’t even WANT the temptation of reading an email. I hope I would be strong enough to delete it but I’m not that sure of myself. Especially now when I’m PMS. So keep all things blocked – it’s not weak -it’s not a copout. It’s ok. It’s how we have to deal right now. And Gia is very right- nothing will change until we cut them out of our lives. You’re doing great.
Heartbroken- All you are feeling is still normal for where you are at in healing. The anxiety does goes away although I didn’t think it ever would. I thought I would have panic attacks the rest of my life since this happened. It fades. Try not to think about the big picture- try not to think that you aren’t ever going to see him again. Take one day at a time. Make small, short term goals for yourself and the bigger ones will fall into place. That’s why I said to make a deal with yourself. Go 8 weeks NC and see how you feel at the end of that time. If you still want him, contact him. You have to work on yourself during that time and I bet you don’t even want to have contact with him by then. Get thru one day at a time. Pretty soon, it will be one week, then 2 etc.
FinallyOverIt-I totally agree with you. Being friends is just too hard & they don’t deserve the satisfaction. It is def a love/hate thing. Part of me will always love the jerk EUM or not but how can you be friends with someone that never cared enough to be honest & just walk away instead of cheating?Man up! They are selfish. Friends include you in their lives, they are kind & trust worthy. From what we have all said here I don’t think any of us have gotten that from our EUMS. They just aren’t capable. Why is this so DAMN HARD? Why do we keep slipping back? I know the pain you all feel. I still feel it. It does come & go but why do I keep going back to thinking my EUM was only that way with me? Why do I think he will make it with this girl? Why do I think if I moved back he would be with me? Any advice?
Kim, I wish I had an answer as to why we keep slipping back. Even to this day, if my EUM did a complete about face and professed his undying love for me, I would be all over it! I would go to the ends of the earth for him. I am actually doing better these days because I am keeping my distance, and so is he. I really think the best thing we can all do is keep having no contact with them, and wait until time heals all of our pain. I really don’t think there is any other advice to give (although I wish there was!).
So, ladies, Day 2 since the No Contact agreement. We had been in No Contact for a bit before I met him Thursday eve, so for the moment this feels just like a repeat. I guess deep inside I still identify this NC period as one that ends with seeing him again at some point, but I have got to just keep going past that point. For the moment, it’s not bad. In a few days’ time I guess I’ll be panicking at how long it’s been (talk about withdrawal symptoms!). I hope to be able to rely on all of you then.
In the meantime, I wish for you all to be strong, look inside yourselves at the wonderful people you are, and outside at a springtime world.
Thank you for everything.
hi ladies.. well, i’m going on day 6 of NC.. i have blocked him from my cell and email since last Thursday. It was an interesting w/e.. Of course I’m wondering what the heck he is thinking about my phone, but on the other hand, the anxiety is lifting b/c i know the phone ringing or text message will never be him. Although this is weird, and i will admit, it hurts, i know it’s the only option.
I’m sick of getting hurt, sick of not moving on, and above all, I’m sick of not taking charge. God, it hurts, i still think about him so much especially since last year at this time, we were just falling in love. But.. I cannot stress over things I cannot change.. He’s an asshole and the more I go over the last year with friends, etc.. it’s a wake up call as to how fcked up the relationship was.
sheila- it should feel good that he does not have access to you. Almost freeing in a way. No more worrying or being upset if he does not call or text. And no more slipping back if you knew he did. Time to let it all go. Go through the pain and then you will be free! That is how I am feeling now. My xmm has no phone number or email access to me. Just my address. But I am pretty confident he will stay away this time which in the long run is better for me. I ended it with him and so i hope he respects my wishes. And i now have to stand behind my word. Keep it up don’t unblock him just keep him blocked and heal
no desire to unblock him, but it still hurts.. but i will say getting thru this is easier than what i went thru last w/e when I gave in, and for the 100th time.. nothing changed..
Mondays suck.. just having a moment
Good morning. Day 4 NC. And yes, this morning he texted me!! I truly, honestly can’t believe he did that after our conversation the other day! And also I am OFFICIALLY in awe of how well you girls knew what was going down! You told me he would… how on earth can these guys be so predictable??
Anyhow, I haven’t answered him or anything though the temptation is there. And about his message, if this whole mess weren’t so unpleasant and painful, I’d find it in myself to laugh right out: he says he’s finding it hard not to see me, talk to me etc, and GET THIS: how am I doing with my need for space and time… It’s like HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET?? Which part of “don’t contact me” did he not understand??… I mean truly… was I the only one with a brain there and did he lose it when I’ve gone away??
Sheila, you go, girl. You’ll get through Monday, and then Tuesday, and so on and so on… stay strong. I haven’t and won’t block his e-mail or phone… I want to be able to ignore him just like that! Heartbroken, don’t be so sure he won’t contact you! I didn’t think my EUM would, and here’s living proof. Jeez, the cheek!
maria,
isn’t it weird?! you could “time an egg by it” as they say. my EUM contacted me 8 & 10 days into NC. then nothing…i’m now 22 days NC! so be patient…the temptation may be great but with each day, you’ll feel more IN CONTROL of that gnawing feeling.
take care
xoxo
Maria – It is so typical of these guys!. “How are you doing with your need for space & time”? It is laughable! Their egos can’t take the rejection even though they don’t give sh*t of themselves to the relationship! I was crackin’ up at reading that because it so reminds my of my EUM. He actually hooked up with someone else but couldn’t STAND the thought that I might have. Such losers! Stay strong. The bad days come & go but I have had no contact for quite awhile. He actually did shoot me a text to ask if I changed my email as it came back undeliverable!
I am still kind of in shock that it is over. I know this time my xmm will stay away because this time i ended it when i was not mad and the fact that i changed my phone number (although that did not stop him from coming over the last time). I just have to get use to the feeling of it. It is strange that I will never see him again and that I will never speak to him again, but I guess that is what breaking up is. I know it is better for me. I think I am just thinking about it because he was in my dream last night.
Ladies, I have to say I relate to a lot of your comments so much. Nine months since the the disappearance of my EUM and I though I was doing ok until last week whenI was told by a friend, who works with his enstranged wife, that he always seems to have a different girl on his arm, then I went out for dinner with a friend and saw his little girl. Now I feel right back at square one. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is heartening to know that there are others who feel the same, and Kim. if your reading, the estranged wife shares your name, but the situation between them seems like it was in reverse to you and your husband, how ironic!
Ladies, I have to say I relate to a lot of your comments so much. Nine months since the the disappearance of my EUM and I though I was doing ok until last week whenI was told by a friend, who works with his enstranged wife, that he always seems to have a different girl on his arm, then I went out for dinner with a friend and saw his little girl. Now I feel right back at square one. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is heartening to know that there are others who feel the same, and Kim. if your reading, the estranged wife shares your name, but the situation between them seems like it was in reverse to you and your husband, how ironic!
Oops, seem to have posted twice, sorry!
Mel1509 – I am reading but confused??
Mel1509-after 9months, you’re back to square 1? All so strange…I would think one would be 100pct healed by then…
Ladies im still in the loop….Im still single..NC still in place..No EUM in sight! Great!
I feel back to square one as in when he dumped me he said he just wanted to be on his own, and now my friend told me that he always seems to have a different girl on, therefore I conclude it must just have been me he didn’t want. It doesn’t help to hear what he’s up to. Kim, yeah, sorry what I meant was his X, Kim left him for another man and you were talking about your husband leaving you for another woman, I don’t explain myself very well sometimes!
Day 8 NC today.. and Day6 of the blocked cell phone.. Here are my thoughts.. the anxiety is easing up, but I still feel as though I’m thinking about him alot.. I guess that’s normal since i just stopped contact with him a week ago.. Of course I’m thinking, does he care? what is he thinking? is he glad, relieved or bitter? I know I shouldn’t care..I dont want any part of him the way things were the last 3 months, his terms, his texts, his phonecalls, when HE felt like it.. I am no longer his fall back girl, and don’t have to worrya bout him hurting me since he is not in my life anymore.. but, honestly.. it’s still painful? I’m thinking the thoughts of him will diminish and the pain will get less?
To all you hardcore NC girls.. your thoughts/advice????
I am on day 16 of NC with my EUM. I seem to go in phases of telling myself I am doing the right thing, and then all of a sudden I’m questioning myself and missing him, etc. etc. I think that’s normal. I really think that time is the healer, and if we can let enough time go by they will fade away from our hearts and minds. We just have to take it one day at a time. I truly believe that the pain gets lessened as time goes by, but again the NC is really important to reach this goal. Strength and courage to all of you!
finally over it.. i go thru the same emotions.. there are times that I think I have jumped the gun, owe him an explanation, over reacted, and actually want to talk to him. It fades, but it’s still there.. We are both very fresh into this.. me 1 week and you 2 weeks.. I think all these feelings are normal.. If it makes you feel any better, I stick to one thought…everytime I have tried this it has gone down the drain in about a week to two weeks…and I always think that something will change, and it never, never does. I always think the next w/e will be different, he will be different, but it never is. That is way more depressing than this could ever be. 2 w/e ago, was the worst, i broke down, he got his fix, and he rejected me when I tried to meet up with him, all the while continued to call and text me for the next 3 days…It was then i decided to finally block him from my cell, no calls out, no calls in, and no texts either way!!!! I also blocked my email, but could not block my work email.. and guess what? NOTHING!!! Call it his ego (that seems to be a common denominator here), pride or him not caring, he has not reached out. They can all find us if they want to, remember that. I will never reach out to him, but it saddens me that he hasn’t reached out to me, just confirming that i’m doing the right thing.
stay strong …..we will be much better in the end if we stick to this NC..
Sheila, tell yourself every day: I won’t be his doormat anymore! Do you understand how much power he has over you and control?
Doesn’t this get you mad? I don’t understand why you are waiting for him to reach out to you? Reach out for what?
It will get easier with time, but you have to put the focus on you, accept what happened and make sure you will never let a man do that to you again.
You know, I chased and chases and now months later I was thinking, OMG how could I have done that to myself, cutting contact gave me instant peace and I also know he can’t suck me back in, I have learned too much and my pride won’t allow it.
it certainly does get easier with time – i’m 24 days NC and i feel much more at peace. however, i’ve been feeling depressed the last couple of days. he is constantly on my mind and yesterday, he texted me. he asked if i’m “better” yet and that he misses the hell out of me.
i bet he does. i have to say, the text made me smile. but i didn’t reply.
i’m thinking of calling him on his bday in a week. what do you all think???? i go back and forth with it still.
xoxo
Sheila, you are completely right–nothing will ever change. I know this, and that’s also what keeps me strong. My EUM will never wake up one day and decide I am the most wonderful woman he has ever met. Quite the opposite, he used to say to me “When I meet the woman of my dreams….” which of course was a message to me that I am not, and will never be, the woman of his dreams. Not surprising that my self-esteem took a beating….
astelle.. honestly… we were in a full fledged serious relationship from last May til this past February.. that’s what makes this so hard.. It was not all roses and lollipops, one reason being he was only seperated not divorced and there was alot of BS.. he is still no divorced, maybe once his lease is up in July, he’ll go back home. He put me thru hell the past year, hell!!! I went thru with all of our plans, he on the other hand did not and let me down. He is a self-absorbed, lying, hypocritical coward and I know that, but I can’t snap my fingers and have my feelings just disappear. If i wanted to continue this game, I would have never blocked him.. I blocked him and told him “game over”.. if i’m not in your life as we were, i’m not in your life at all.. None of this friend bullshit, and that’s exactly what it is. I have lost a best friend too and it sucks, but I’m not dwelling on this any longer than I have already. I’ve already wasted 3 months thinking something would change. Shame on me!!!!