Booty Calls Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep.16: The Booty Call Mentality, Trying To Turn Back Time, Show Pony Parenting

December 19, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

The Baggage Reclaim Sessions Good morning! I’m about to head off to go ice skating for the first time since I was about fourteen! I can’t wait to surprise the kids and also enjoy being a big kid myself. I fell really hard all those years ago and was very self-critical about it at the time so it will be great to make fresh memories and let my younger self skate and laugh.

On another note, it’s time for a new episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!

Here’s what I cover in episode 16:

The Booty Call Mentality: When the handyman from episode 4 showed up a few weeks back, all charm and acting as if nothing had happened because he wanted something from us, I realised that even when it’s not about sex, people can treat you like a booty call.

Regret: I talk about wanting to turn back time and about how a lot of what keeps us stuck is our inner critic having a pop and then us being almost paralysed to actually do anything.

Show Pony Parenting: I hear from so many people who want to forge closer relationships with a parent and end up hurt because their parent would rather make it look like they have a closer relationship on Facebook or when talking to people, but not actually put the effort in.

Listener Question – When do you end a close friendship? When you have an argument with a friend and don’t speak and then start speaking again but it’s super awkward still months later and it’s not going back to how it used to be, does it mean that it’s the end of the friendship?

What Nat Learned This Week: Em and I spent weeks faffing around about where to go for Christmas. In the end, I got up on Tuesday morning and started making decisions. Someone has to get the ball rolling!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Podcast Ep. 4: Is Facebook ruling your world?, How are you feeling?, The Booty Call Fairy Tale

September 12, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I can’t believe that I’m up to my fourth episode of “The Baggage Reclaim Sessions” podcast! I must admit to feeling super pleased when it hit #6 in the iTunes self-help chart – woohoo! Thank you for listening!

Each week I cover topics around empowering you to discover and reclaim the great you that already exists, offloading excess emotional baggage, and navigating dating, interpersonal relationships and tricky situations.

I also feature a listener question plus I share something from that week that has helped me to know and care for me better.

Here’s what I cover in episode 4:

Why do we take Facebook so seriously?: Some of the new worries that we have about ourselves and life as a result of the social network, how it’s changed the way that some of us engage and suggestions for putting it into perspective.

The self-care practice of keeping a Feelings Diary: Why it can be so transformative and provide you with a hell of a lot of data that will help you take better care of you. Go to the Goodies page and download the Feelings Diary guide from the worksheet and fun things section.

Why do we keep trying to turn casual relationships into a fairy tale happy ending?: I talk about The Pretty Woman Complex, how we get ourselves into these situations and the importance of taking ownership of our desires and needs, even if it means walking away.

Listener Question – What do you do when you fear that you are emotionally unavailable and doing the very things that you’ve hated previous partners doing to you?: This listener has been through a rough time which has caused her to decide to stop caring, only to end up doing the very things that she has disliked in others. I share some compassionate insight into what’s happening so that she can start to get back on track.

What Nat Learned This Week: It really winds me up when people do that crackhead thing of tapping you up for favours in dribs and drabs and springing stuff on you at the last second so that you’re backed into a corner, which has only gone on to remind me about keeping my own boundaries!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

If you don’t know or haven’t met each other yet but they’re asking to meet you late at night, it’s not for cocoa and a chat

December 2, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Let’s imagine that a perfect stranger you’ve recently become ‘acquainted’ with, asks if they can meet you at 11pm at your place. Note that I use the term ‘acquainted’ loosely as it’s the internet hence it’s almost like projected hologram to projected hologram, but I digress…

Do you:

A) Find it uncomfortable and flush because (1), they’re a stranger, (2), it’s late at night, and (3) even if they won’t admit it, it’s highly likely that there’s sexual intentions.

B) Find it uncomfortable but offer to meet during the day or earlier on in the evening and then if they decline or keep going for the late night stuff, flush at that point.

C) Think, ‘Wow, they must be really into me if they want to see me at 11pm and hang out with me at my place. They obviously can’t wait until daylight.’

D) Think it’s strange but then doubt yourself. ‘Maybe I’m a prude. Maybe I’m judging him / her unfairly. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions and all they want to do is come over and chat, watch TV, and have cocoa and cookies. Sure they’re just some stranger that I met online who could literally be anyone and it’s certainly odd that they want to come to my place, but I don’t want to appear rude and distrusting (yes of a person I hardly know and who I don’t trust) so I’d better say yes.’

Now there will always be people who will swear up and down that the reason why they’re asking to come over to your place is just to ‘hang out’ or that the reason why they only talk to you late at night and possibly only by text or email is because, you know, they’re The Busiest Person On The Planet ™ and if you want to catch ’em while you can, you’ve got to be prepared to meet at all sorts of unsociable hours. I smell bullshit and that kind of reasoning is actually even more of a reason as to why you shouldn’t meet, after all, if they’re so frickin’ busy, where is this going to go? Also, it’s easy to claim that this isn’t an intention and then for them to go, ‘Whoops! I can’t for the life of me fathom how we both ended up naked!’ While some people will tell you straight up what they’re truly intending in these situations, most won’t because you’re likely to say no and/or they’re trying to preserve a certain image of themselves.

Odds are that a late night meeting isn’t for cookies, cocoa and a chat. You’ll either know this through experience or just from awareness of your own boundaries. It’s one thing to be naive out of genuine lack of experience (many of us have been there including me) but it’s another thing to claim naivety due to trying to convince yourself that it’s not what it is.

You’re trying to tell me that they have absolutely no daylight or early evening time in the next week or two? What are they? A vampire? Of course you could do the whole I’m Going To Be The Exception and This Could Be One Of Those Few Times When It Really Is A Chat thing but you could just as easily steer it to meeting at an earlier time. Really. Where’s the late night fire?

You’re Not In Pretty Woman: Do You Believe In The Booty Call ‘Fairy Tale’?

May 9, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

If you’ve stuck like glue to an unhealthy relationship, or have devoted your energies into upgrading a one night stand, booty call, Friends With Benefits or ad hoc fling, into a full time, bonafide committed relationship, it’s safe to say that you very much believe in the fairy tale and the fantasy.

You seek to be the exception to the rule. In fact, you seek love against the odds.

The sheer number of people I hear from who are residing in some sort of sexual hell because they participated in casual arrangements is astounding. Not only does it tell me that there’s a hell of a lot of people out there seeking to be anomalies (which defeats the purpose really), but all of these people have reduced themselves to attempting to be Vivian in Pretty Woman.

Just in case the film has escaped you, single rich guy Edward (Richard Gere) needs an escort for a week of social engagements and picks up Vivian (Julia Roberts), a prostitute, while cruising, I guess because it must have been really hard in the early 90s to be a rich man without a date… They hang out, he thinks she’s doing drugs in his bathroom when she’s really flossing, they sleep together (no kissing), the following day he gives her money to buy clothes for the social engagements, some of the staff are rude, he then takes her on a spree where it’s like giving the bitchy sales assistants the proverbial two fingers, they have a great time while out, he falls in love, at one of the events, his friend figures out that she’s on the game and tries it on, she storms off, packs up her stuff and goes back to her busted up apartment, he swoops in by limo at the end shouting out of the roof of it, then climbs a trellis with a bunch of roses and yada yada yada.

Now I’m not suggesting that there aren’t more than a few escorts that have landed on their feet, but unless you are in that line of business, it’s time to ask yourself why your fairy tale has a beginning of:

“Once upon a time, I lay on my back and decided to go for a casual relationship in the hope that they’d get to know me without ‘pressure’, we’d have a good time, and then they’d basically be unable to survive without me because somewhere between late night texts, the ambiguity, and sometimes the requests to partake in shady sexual shenanigans or even having to compete with others, they fell in love with me.” ?

If you’re the type that really values sex, makes assumptions about what you think is likely to happen as a result of the sexual interaction, and in fact make the dangerous assumption that a sexual connection is an emotional connection which will lead to a love connection, the casual sex trap is waiting to grip you in its lubricated jaws.

Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If They’re Not Interested Or Don’t Want The Relationship I Want?

March 5, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Picture this (adopts Sophia from Golden Girls voice): You’re attracted to someone. You think they’re funny, clever, witty, and that they embody all of the physical qualities that you like. You appear to share common interests and possess a similar outlook. After a date or few, you sleep together and feel as if there’s an amazing connection. A pattern emerges. After the initial burst of calls/texts/emails and off-the-chains sex, you’re in not-knowing-where-you-stand territory. But you’re still sleeping together.

One night, lying there in the afterglow of another good session, you tentatively ask what the score is. Or, you mention a forthcoming event that you’d like them to come to with you. You want to progress things, and there’s a niggling concern that they’re using you for sex, although you really don’t want to see it this way. Every time these thoughts creep in, you remind yourself of when you were laughing a few weeks ago. You remember the stuff they talked about doing with you (but have made no moves to), or when they said that they really enjoy your company. You reason that it’s pretty obvious that you’re crazy about them, so surely they’re not stringing you along?

You’re in the Justifying Zone, that slippery slope many people go to where they look for reasons to justify their initial emotional and sexual investment instead of saying “I’m out.” Turns out, you can have sex with someone and it not mean that you’re destined to be together forever and ever.

After posing the question, the atmosphere changes. They pull themselves onto their side and look at you. “I’m having a really good time you know, but let’s not ruin things. Let’s just go with the flow.” You suddenly feel exposed and vulnerable. “What do you mean?”, you ask hesitantly. “Well… I just don’t want you to get all serious on me because, to be honest, I’m not really looking for a relationship right now… Is that OK?”

Um, well, no, it’s not OK! But what the hell are you supposed to say when you’re lying there naked in a room that reeks of sex?

As I type these words, more than a few people out there are having sex with someone who they have more than a casual interest in. Unfortunately, that same person isn’t interested in them and/or a relationship.

In an ideal world, you’d like to think that shagging each other and even buffering it with hanging out, dinners, and some contact, would be an automatic precursor to a relationship. But, it’s not.

If someone is having sex with you and they’re not interested, or they don’t want to have a relationship, it’s because in their mind it’s a casual relationship. They may overvalue what they bring to the table, assuming that because they’re having a good time, that you’re grateful they’re breaking you off a piece.

It’s actually pretty ridiculous that someone who, for instance, has the cheek to tell you that they’re not interested, still wants to exchange bodily fluids. That they’d expect you to engage in all sorts of sexual acts. Why don’t they skip on down the road to someone else and leave you to put your time, energy and, um, bodily fluids elsewhere?

Unfortunately, there are more than a few people out there who like the idea of sleeping with someone who seems crazy about them and believes that the relationship is going somewhere. It’s an effed-up power trip. It also allows them to be uninhibited and let their real sexual self hang out because they don’t care. They feel as if they have no responsibilities and you’re just this sexual plaything. Yep, pretty damn degrading.

Why Using Casual Relationships As a Back Door Route to a Relationship is a Deeply Flawed Plan

September 9, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

A male friend of ours has been going through a really difficult time. When we hung out last week, he emphasised to the boyf and I, how he’s steering clear of relationships and focusing on getting his life together. My ears pricked up though when he ‘casually’ mentioned a female friend who he was hanging out with. A bit of probing quickly revealed that she’d also recently experienced a breakup.

“So you’re just friends?” I asked and paused for a few seconds waiting for what I suspected was to come. He insisted yes and then said “OK, well actually she stayed over last weekend but seriously, it was strictly as friends.” He then admitted they’d slept in the same bed and that nothing had happened. I waited a few more seconds. He then admitted they’d had a kiss and a cuddle. Hi-la-ri-ous!

Now let’s be real – you know how this story goes, possibly because you’ve been in this very situation yourself.

He’s told her what’s been going on his life and has (so he claims) emphatically stated that he doesn’t want a relationship and absolutely can’t do one. She’s out of something pretty bad too and claims to be in full agreement. However proving yet again that there’s no such thing as a casual relationship (an oxymoron in itself), it was less than a week later before she was trying to make plans and angling to stay over at his. Like a girlfriend.

Even funnier – there’s another couple of women he’s ‘texting’ with. When I asked him why he can’t just be by himself, sort himself out, find things to do, see friends etc, he told me that he couldn’t ‘manage’ without female attention and these interactions break up the routine.

His rationale is that he’s told her everything that’s being going on his life and how he doesn’t want a relationship so he thinks that she understands the ‘terms’ and that he clearly isn’t in a position to be anything other than casual. What he hasn’t realised is that while he may have been upfront, at the same time his actions can be perceived as ‘mixed messages’. Many people still think that people who don’t want relationships either shag you and then shag off, or remain alone – this is completely untrue.

Crumb Communications: If They Haven’t Got Time To Pick Up the Phone, They Haven’t Got Time For a Relationship

July 18, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

rotary telephone - Mr Unavailable/Miss Unavailable Phone Home

Every once in a while, I like to revisit the subject of lazy communication because I hear and read about so many people making excuses for why they’re reliant on texting (or emailing/instant messenger/Facebook) instead of picking up the phone and having face-to-face interaction. If I’m to believe everyone that engages in lazy or should I say crumb communication, they (or the people they’re getting it from) are The Busiest People in the Universe.

Now while the telephone has undergone many transformations since it was originally invented in 1876 and we no longer have to go through a convoluted operator process or use a rotary dial (well unless you have one of those very cool ‘retro’ phones) plus you can ‘carry’ them with you wherever you go, in essence, the telephone is still the telephone. After face-to-face communication, it’s still a great and next best form of connected contact with another person.

Now just in case anyone has any doubts as to the ease of making a call, you pick up your phone, either key in your number, navigate to your phonebook and search for the name, select from recently dialled numbers, or even from your favourites. You then press on the green button with a telephone on it, it rings, the other person picks up and says hello, you respond, and hey presto you’ve made a telephone call and you have the beginnings of a conversation. This could all happen in about 5-30 seconds unless you’re really labouring over it. It may come as surprise to some of you but your phone (and theirs) has a call function on it.

Millions, in fact billions of people are still making calls every day, so why are we making so many excuses for the commitment dodging, intimacy afraid, no telephone call making, text messaging lovers of this world?

How have so many people managed to convince themselves that there’s a revolution in communication taking place that means that you can actually believe you’re in a relationship with someone who lives in the same postcode/area code as you and slips you dinner, drinks, and a shag periodically but they rarely, if ever pick up the phone? Yes really. I’ve heard from far too many readers that are struggling to get over someone that they were with for anything from a few weeks to several years who they only spoke with on the phone occasionally. What the what now?

Text messages are for quick, no frills communications and greetings that sandwich around actual calls and face-to-face.

I’m thinking reminders to get milk, letting one another know that you’re on the way, you’re running five minutes late, that you’re home, that you had a great time, that you tried to call and to call you back when you’re free, you’re going into a meeting but looking forward to catching up later, goodnight, good morning and yes, even the odd dirty text if that’s what floats your boat.

Relationships in a Nutshell: Co-pilots, drivers, passengers and the importance of a joint agenda

April 1, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Ever since I wrote about casual relationships followed by the landmarks of healthy relationships, I’ve heard from many readers who wanted me to expand on these subjects some more.

Healthy relationships have joint agendas and co-pilots and unhealthy ones have drivers and passengers with solo and hidden agendas.

When you recognise the importance of being a co-pilot sans a hidden agenda, not only will it be far harder to be swept along by an unavailable or assclown tide, but you’ll no longer be ‘helpless’ in your relationships and will have the ability to work out where you’re at.

We can become very focused on the ‘hallmarks’ – these are what we consider to be the ‘markings’ of a relationship such as sleeping together over an extended period of time, having things in common, great sex, a ‘connection’, ‘chemistry’, future talk, being introduced to people, etc as well as big ticket commitment items like moving in, babies, marriage. These are nice, great even, to have, but without the landmarks, your relationship is all shirt, no trousers.

Many people chase stuff like passion, chemistry and common interests and then wonder why it’s not working. They assume that if these elements are present that the landmarks will automatically follow.

The landmarks of healthy relationships are intimacy, consistency, balance, progression, and commitment as well as shared values and what should come as standard in any relationship – love, care, trust, and respect.

If you have the hallmarks without the landmarks, your relationship is either casual and/or unhealthy. Before you go doing any big ticket commitment items, I suggest you make sure that the landmarks are present first.

As individuals, we each have our own agenda which caters to taking care of our self-esteem with boundaries and healthy beliefs, as well as our values that tell us what we believe are the most important things for us to live authentically and happily.

We use dating as a discovery phase to discover the facts about one another and ultimately whether we can have a shared agenda that respects each party healthily as individuals while creating a common journey for the relationship.

Healthy relationships have co-pilots steering them along with open discussion about the joint agenda as well as all of the landmarks – no hidden agendas. You will steer and plot your journey together and even if at times, one has to man the steering, they continue with the joint agenda. These are mutually fulfilling relationships.

Upgrading the Level of Commitment: When commitment schedules conflict

March 30, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Last week I wrote about when you experience problems upgrading the level of commitment in your relationship and I wanted to follow up on and discuss a key question that you should ask before entering into any discussions: Have we been together long enough for me to be reasonably discomforted by the fact that what I’m looking for hasn’t happened yet?

If you want more commitment and they don’t, you have to gauge whether it’s because it’s too soon or because they’re commitment resistant.

When your ‘schedules’ are at odds, depending on the timeline, it may be that you’re exerting unnecessary pressure (impatience) which leads to you potentially appearing emotionally demanding.

Pace is subjective though which is why it’s good to have discussions about your perception of anything that’s very important before it becomes the white elephant in the room. If it’s unrealistic, it can be sanity checked against your partner.

If you expect anything like moving in, marriage, babies, buying a property (big ticket commitment items) in under a year timeframe, this must be communicated (not demanded, argued, wheedled, etc) to your partner.

Don’t assume that because you’re in love and want these things that they ‘should’ too. Also avoid the ‘I’m in my 30s/40s/50s/They’re in their 30s/40s/50s’ so they should know that this is what I want’ route – you’re not dating yourself and this is also lazy communication, i.e expecting them to pick up telepathically or via tension.

You need to get vulnerable and broach the subject or seize the opportunity when the subject arises to communicate your position while at the same time, listening to and understanding your partners position – empathy.

Avoid having these discussions off the back of negative situations because if the only time you ever talk about where your relationship is headed is through tension, it creates negative associations. I’d also keep the volume of discussions to a minimum – you find you talk about this stuff a lot when something is awry whether it’s communication or fundamental commitment issues.

Let’s take wanting to get married when your relationship is under a year old. You either need to assess the soundness of your expectation and/or be very open and upfront. While you run the risk that your expectations may be too much, you can’t have it both ways. Which is better – Being upfront or simmering with expectation and eventually resentment because it hasn’t materialised?

When You Experience Problems Upgrading Your Commitment

March 21, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Over the years I’ve watched a few friends, family and readers go through that incredibly awkward relationship experience of trying to upgrade the ‘commitment’ in the relationship – think spending more time together, moving in, marriage, and trying to upgrade casual relationships.

These situations were fraught with ongoing discussions, arguing, tears, ultimatums, broken promises, breakups, hints, other people, awkward occasions like birthdays and Christmas when they were expecting a ring and got earrings or a DVD, and a general air of negativity surrounding the progression of the relationship.

When you reach a point where the commitment you want outpaces that of your partner’s, there is the potential, if it’s not handled carefully, for your relationship to be taken into shaky territory. Of course if you’re in casual relationship, pushing for commitment is basically flying past your roost.

The best type of commitment at any stage of the relationship is the type that originates organically and with both of you co-piloting it.

Relationships are best when there’s a joint agenda has two people who are sharing in the process of mapping out the journey/route together instead of one pushing theirs.You’re both headed in the same direction and going to the same place. You openly discuss the places that need to be stopped at en route and if there are any differences in opinion, you find a solution you both can live with – compromise.

People who are ‘drivers’ have their own agenda but have a tendency to assume that what they determine the agenda to be is a ‘joint agenda’ – i.e what they need, the other needs.

Once there is one person asserting their agenda (the driver), the other person becomes a ‘passenger’, someone who is either passively being swept along on the ride and then possibly wakes up to what’s going on and belatedly tries to assert themselves or, they know which journey they’re on and have decided it suits them for now but hope to ‘change’ the driver’s mind and direction at another point.

I see too many people with a very firm idea of exactly what they want out of a relationship and then they make it their vocation to get the relationship to fit around their agenda. This is a prescribed relationship.

Be Careful of Rushing to Date and Love Again – There’s No Fire

February 16, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

A few weeks ago, I wrote about casual relationships and how so many people don’t recognise that they’re in one because they see the hallmarks of a relationship, such as being together over a period of time, sleeping together, being introduced to others etc, but they don’t recognise that there are crucial landmarks missing such as commitment, consistency, intimacy, progression and balance.

One of the biggest sources of angst from readers is the whole question of starting over, dating again, trusting again, and ultimately knowing if they’re ready for a relationship/to start dating again.

What I find particularly interesting is that while the minority will avoid dating and attempting to forge connections with other people while they are hurting/rebuilding, the majority of people I come across are eager to restart even if it is patently clear that they are not over their ex or are just not emotionally ready to date.

This is why there are so many casual relationships masquerading as full on relationships: Because too many people don’t want to do the emotional work and take enough time to heal from previous relationships and/or get themselves emotionally ready.

Instead we, as is often the case, try to take a shortcut and we decide that we will date because we want some attention, we want to feel validated, and actually, more importantly although we often won’t admit it, we want to avoid dealing with the feelings about ourselves or the previous relationship.

What happens as a result is that you get half interested or not all that interested parties who are more than happy to pass time. The person on the receiving end is like a stopover/layover, or even a rehab. Sometimes both parties are.

We end up knowing they’re not The One or that the relationship is not for us, but we see benefits to staying in the meantime or fear having to start over. Maybe we hope to convince ourselves into it being right. Of course, in one or even both of you feeling this way, your relationship will lack the landmarks of a healthy relationship.