I can’t believe that I’m up to my fourth episode of “The Baggage Reclaim Sessions” podcast! I must admit to feeling super pleased when it hit #6 in the iTunes self-help chart – woohoo! Thank you for listening!
Each week I cover topics around empowering you to discover and reclaim the great you that already exists, offloading excess emotional baggage, and navigating dating, interpersonal relationships and tricky situations.
I also feature a listener question plus I share something from that week that has helped me to know and care for me better.
Here’s what I cover in episode 4:
Why do we take Facebook so seriously?: Some of the new worries that we have about ourselves and life as a result of the social network, how it’s changed the way that some of us engage and suggestions for putting it into perspective.
The self-care practice of keeping a Feelings Diary: Why it can be so transformative and provide you with a hell of a lot of data that will help you take better care of you. Go to the downloads page and download the Feelings Diary guide from the worksheet and fun things section.
Why do we keep trying to turn casual relationships into a fairy tale happy ending?: I talk about The Pretty Woman Complex, how we get ourselves into these situations and the importance of taking ownership of our desires and needs, even if it means walking away.
Listener Question – What do you do when you fear that you are emotionally unavailable and doing the very things that you’ve hated previous partners doing to you?: This listener has been through a rough time which has caused her to decide to stop caring, only to end up doing the very things that she has disliked in others. I share some compassionate insight into what’s happening so that she can start to get back on track.
What Nat Learned This Week: It really winds me up when people do that crackhead thing of tapping you up for favours in dribs and drabs and springing stuff on you at the last second so that you’re backed into a corner, which has only gone on to remind me about keeping my own boundaries!
You can listen to this podcast below.
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Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx
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I love this podcast! And I totally agree. It began to take over my life and I have begun to hate it. I’d rather talk on the phone, meet face to face, or just email. It is also a huge part of relationship breakups. It has become sickening.
Hi Amy. It’s recognising these feelings that will give you the power to step back from it. It’s true as well about breakups – when my sister went through hers, she deactivated her account as she just didn’t want to deal with all of the awkwardness and prying. Nearly 18 months on and she hasn’t gone back on there. She’s gotten busy with other stuff! Definitely take a break or even deactivate your account if it feels as if it is taking over. Remember, you are the boss!
Natalie,
Thanks for another dose of POSITIVITY. I opted out of Facebook long ago because at heart I am a very private person. People begged me to join. I did. After catching up with old high school friends I noticed all the over sharing that you discuss. My relatives were also gossiping and airing dirty laundry. There were public wars with words. I felt like I was on a virtual psych ward. I wanted no part of that (crack pipe). I have had people in work situations say they Google me and can’t find me anywhere (LinkedIn or other social media sites). I laugh to myself-(it is all by design) exactly because if your nosey ass wants to know me you should talk to me rather than playing spy. My personal life is not for public consumption.
I am going to keep a feelings journal because I want to get to the heart of this loneliness I am feeling. It will be combined with a food journal that you suggest. Another brilliant idea from you. I am very lonely, but it is causing me to eat things I normally don’t eat -loads of chocolate (probably a substitute for something I am not getting). I just downloaded the diary and will start writing today. Keeping track of my feelings and the food I am eating will probably help me feel much better. Eating a bunch of bad stuff can impact your mood.
Thank you for the blog and podcasts. A gurl living more than 4000 miles away craves these more than Facebook addicts need their little FB crack pipe. BR is my addiction. I can share and cry in a space where I find warmth and still keep my dignity (and the privacy that I desire). Big hug for ALL that you do. Loving the podcasts keep them coming.
BTW-good for you on keeping your boundaries in place. I had to do it this week someone popped up out of the blue asking for cash. Nope I am not your ATM. Bye Felicia.
Big hug to YOU.
MJ
This made me belly laugh. It’s so true! My mother joined FB last year and it was side-eye central from me as I know that just like my step-dad, she doesn’t really get it. She’s actually been fine except for that *one* time she accused me of embarrassing her with relatives in Jamaica. Baffled, it turned out that I posted a picture of Woody and Jessie from Toy Story. My daughter had innocently left them on the table but they were in a rather risque and very funny pose. Everyone else saw the humour in it. She tells me that it’s porn. I nearly wet myself laughing and then very firmly corrected her. I’m not even connected to these people! Big hugs to you too.
PS I must tell the story on the podcast about when I went to a 70s themed birthday party for my first proper job and they gave out bags of baby powder and Smarties and I was accused of having a coke problem!
Wow! I just found some value in Facebook. I just read your powerful messages and the quotes that accompany them on BR Facebook. Your podcast gave me the interest to visit your Facebook page. Inspirational. I feel stronger after reading the messages. Thank you for helping me rebuild my life. I love the picture of the online school house and plan to take some courses.
This is your calling for sure. You are on top of your game. I wish I didn’t have work plans around BR’s birthday bash date or I would come. I love London and Harrods.
MJ
Thank you! I love the BR Facebook page – it’s like another version of the blog and has its own set of content too.
And you’re very welcome. There are new short courses coming up so I’ll be sure to let you know 🙂
Another great Podcast Natalie!
I’ve never been a one for Facebook. I must admit it does have its uses when trying to reconnect with old school friends etc but that’s about it. I’m such a private person and much prefer communicating with friends via phone or in person. It can be quite shallow to some degree which isn’t me at all.
I was on Facebook for a little while but hardly used it at all. When I went No Contact with my ex Assclown I did occasionally look to see what he was up to and it made me feel ten times worse so for that reason I walked away from it.. To me it just seems so Fake, everyone portraying the perfect life and having a grand old time but like Natalie said you never know what goes on behind close doors which is so true… FAKEbook is definitely not for me!!
I wish more people would acknowledge this!
And yes – Fakebook indeed!
There’s nothing wrong with FB per se (except privacy issues). It’s a good tool to connect and reconnect etc. But there are two serious issues. Firstly, people take it as an accurate picture (pun intended) of somebody’s life. After all, we can ‘see’ it for ourselves. Of course, It’s everything but. As Nat says, people edit their lives to present the most appealing image of themselves, and people actively ‘pose’ for FB. The number of times when we were asked to grab glasses so the photo can be posted on FB for everybody to see what a great time we’re having … We haven’t even started having any time yet! I’m also suspicious about loved up couples … If you’re so happy, how come you have time to smooch over FB? Whom are you trying to persuade into how happy you are, me or yourself?
Secondly, people like us (meaning, who constantly go for EUMs because we’re EUMs ourselves) tend to use FB as almost exclusive channel of communication, preferring FB to face-to-face, because we’re EUMs and this is what EUMs are comfortable with. Also, FB is an ideal channel for fantasy and EUM quasi-relationships (again, lack of personal contact, lazy communication, edited images, good excuses for hot cold …) I think that people like us should be very careful about how, and how often we use FB, and be on a serious diet.
I like podcasts very much and they’re great value. I don’t understand though why many stopped commenting. I miss you, my BR friends!
Hi Mephista – people don’t really comment on podcast blog posts in general. It was a trend I discovered once I started podcasting myself. It’s a different medium and actually, it along with FB, Twitter etc has had an overall impact on commenting in the blogosphere full stop. I’ve been very fortunate to have a very engaged community despite this and it continues…. just not with comments on podcast posts. But from next week, there will be two posts a week plus the podcast so that will offset it. Posting is still continuing as normal even with the addition of the podcast.
Re Facebook, your second point in particular is exactly why stepping back and being honest about usage is pivotal because a lot of people use texts, FB etc to avoid vulnerability… and then wonder why they end up in relationships designed specifically for just that.
Hi all i am so glad i don,t do Facebook,Instagram,Twitter what Natalie has
commented on is exactly why i don,t, i believe in keeping it real and thats
from someone who struggles with their self esteem.
Hi Debbie – keep preserving whatever self-esteem you have! 🙂
I like the idea of a feelings diary. Have anyone else also done something similar? would be curious to know how that helped. This is a new concept to me.
Hi Julianne, there is an old post here about keeping a Feelings Diary but basically, it’s just another form of journaling.
So I might get some side eyes for this (well deserved). I had already known that my ex had a baby on the way from checking up on Facebook. The first time I put the pieces together I was devastated. Months later and the exes girlfriend’s picture shows on my feed (we have mutual friends and to be honest she comes off as a really sweet, humble and pleasant person). When I saw her profile picture of her and my exes baby, I melted. First off, their baby girl looks just like my ex all teeny tiny and in a teeny tiny dress. Anyhow, the child is probably no more than a month or so old. All I can think of is that we were all once that innocent and sweet and lovable. I pray that my ex gets better for that baby and her loving momma. I know I’ll never be with him again because I have committed not to, and I’m not really in love at all with him and I don’t want to be again.
Also, I was losing myself in my career. I was starting to become hardened with ego and arrogance. I was starting to care most about being famous and rich some day so much so that I totally forgot all of that would be obsolete if I didn’t have empathy for myself or others. Now, I aim to not forget my values in art. Being an artist makes no one a more worthy or worthwhile person. And sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t be doing society more good by being a janitor, clerk, or food service worker. I don’t know. I’ve seen some horrid scummy people with talent and skill that people just fall all over. Makes me sick personally.
Take care Nat and hold your babies close before they get to old!!
Ah Peanut. Sure you’re only human. Part of what keeps Facebook alive is voyeurism. It’s never going to give people the option of knowing who’s looked at their profile etc as that would be the end of it.
The best thing you can do is examine where that curiosity came from. Was something else going on that looking him was a distraction from? Was this way of busting you up about something?
Re your career, understanding and embracing your talent is a bit of a process and a journey and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get paid, to be seen, but don’t let it hijack you as it distorts your talent. I also remember reading in one of those 99u books (great for creatives btw) that the single biggest barrier to being as great as you hope is letting the ego dictate too much where you act as if you don’t have to get out there and hustle and *sell*. It can be like, “My art is great. I’ve done my work. People should just buy it”. What you want to do is nourish your talent and continue to own the very essence of you so that you remain the thoughtful, loving, generous person that I know you to be. I also know that bullshit winds you up so don’t do the thing you dislike! Take care of you.
^meant compassion for myself and empathy for others^^
I so enjoyed your talk (at the link below). I had no idea you were doing some of these drawings that accompany the blogs. I am really excited about some of the new projects you laid out that you will be doing. WOW. When do you sleep? I was going to suggest a VLOG after seeing this talk but you would have your plate really loaded. It was great to hear your story of how you gave birth to your BR Baby. You took the pain you experienced in relationships and turned it into something positive that helps others. This storm that I am going thru- I want something POSITIVE at the end. Thanks for being an example of how WE can turn a negative into a positive.
Your designer is AWESOME. She has taken your ideas and put a beautiful spin on them for sure. I liked how you throw all of your beautiful book covers up on the screen. I am pretty new here. I didn’t know about Wolfie till I saw this talk you gave. Very creative.
BTW when I need validation (I know I am responsible for self validation) I am coming back to London. Loved it. I am bold. Strangers invited me to have dinner with them and I did. Went to hang out with them at Tramp night club. Someone told me to nick an ash tray at the club. I said do what (lol)? I had no idea what it meant till they explained. I am not saying if I did or didn’t follow their advice. I am in LOVE with London. I have never been treated so well. Then to make things even sweeter- my therapist- NATALIE LUE is in UK.
Looking forward to your New York workshop.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/work-with-me/
Thanks.
MJ
Haha Mary Jane – I’ve slept a lot this week. I think a combination of being knackered from last weekend’s workshop and then I’d picked up this annoying bug that’s doing the rounds with parents at school. I don’t know where I find the time either and actually, I’ve learned that I actually do a hell of a lot as it’s easy to assume that you’re not doing that much if all of your ideas have not been able to be executed – I have a *lot* of ideas.
Louise my designer is fantastic and we’ve had this wonderful relationship for about 5 or 6 years now. She gets me and really knows what I want and am aiming for. I love drawing though and I’m learning that I really need to explore this creative outlet of mine.
It sounds like you had a blast when you were here and I’m looking forward to meeting you. London is a great albeit expensive place although I know a lot of New Yorkers feel similarly about there and I adore the place. Can’t wait to be back. After much faffing, I have settled on a date – November 7th. Deets to follow. xx
Great podcast. I am on day 22 day of the 99 days of freedom challenge. (http://99daysoffreedom.com). I wanted a Facebook detox for all of the reasons Nat mentions.
1) I was suffering depression after a minor career setback and seeing wonderful edited highlights of people’s new jobs, promotions, etc was not helping.
2) I had also recently unfriended a guy *friend* who had used me for sex (when I stupidly thought there was a deeper basis for his interest). I did initially block him, but if you have lots of mutual friends, you can both end up confused by not seeing a part of a comment thread on a mutual friends wall. It’s very obvious that the other person is still there, even if they can’t see your posts/comments. However, once he was simply unfriended rather than blocked – it was hard to escape reminders of him entirely.
3) I realised it had become a massive, massive time sap. I’d log on, but then get drawn into a pointless discussion about something on a friend’s wall and before I knew it an hour had gone by.
4) I remember just being much happier pre Facebook and not worrying about the need to show how “great” I am doing on Facebook.
When my 99 days is up, I do not plan on reengaging with the site in a big way. My only reason for not deleting my account entirely is that I have many friends in different countries: Mexico, Brazil, Belgium, France, Japan, New Zealand, etc – and Facebook is useful for staying in touch. I also do sports and my sports clubs tend to organise events through the site.
I have decided that I am no longer going to look at the news feed (there is a chrome extension called “Facebook purity” which allows you to filter the content or entirely hide the newsfeed). I also plan to forgo posting anything myself. I plan on just treating Facebook like a big telephone directory (a useful way to get in touch with old friends via private messages).
So far, I really feel free having taken myself away from the site. If I want a quick break, I feel far better having spent that 20 mins catching up on current affairs on a newspaper website, when that same break would have been taken up with seeing updates on everyone else’s “fantastic” lives, just a few weeks ago.
Thanks for sharing the link to that challenge. Annoyingly I can’t switch off FB entirely as I use it for the BR Facebook page but I am making a conscious effort to limit my time on there and social media in general as it can be a time suck and sometimes, I just want to be in the moment not crafting a posting.
The insights you’ve gained from the challenge are invaluable because now you understand its personal impact on you and you can also recognise the gains you’re making rather than riding the hamster wheel. Enjoy!
Miss Nat,
Great, great podcast. I’m still around, as the proverbial daughter of BR, checking back in every so often.
As for Facebook, I can add to the discussion by saying that I jumped on the bandwagon when it first came out years ago, but then promptly exited stage left when I saw the online version of Jerry Springer aluminum-chair throwing happening on there. Ain’t nobody got time for that.I joined again when I got licensed as a Zumba instructor, to help promote my classes (which were independent at the time, so I needed to market them–being careful, all the while, not to bombard everyone with hourly, daily, etc. posts). Anyway, I added all of my family and friends, of course, to also keep up with the social aspect of it. I “friended” (yeesh, that’s a verb now) my dad as a sort of “preemptive strike” because I knew that he would get all passive aggressively hurt if I didn’t (even though we should all ignore the elephant in the room of him skipping out on our family when my mom was pregnant with yours truly. But I digress.) I didn’t realize I was about to enter into an Alice in Wonderland worm hole where my usually non-communicative father had all sorts of things to say on FB. He had comments on every.one.of.my.Facebook.posts. Yeah. Like I was posting just for him, in a secret language just between him and I. He even commented on my profile picture, something like “Don’t be struttin’ on Facebook, baby girl!” Ummm….I’m nearly 38 years old. And I was fully clothed and modest in my pic. It got to the point where every time after I would post something, I would cringe, thinking about what embarrassing, passive-aggressive comment he would make.
And that’s when I found Facebook’s Restricted List option. I added my dad as well as other mutual FB friends to this list so that I control the posts they see and don’t see, and now I’m at peace. This is really a wonderful security function, people. Maybe I’m late to the game finding out about it, but if you haven’t heard about it, check it out!
Anyway, the main thing I want to say to you, Nat:
1. Get loads of rest and feel better (have you tried a neti pot for your sniffles?)
2. Keep the podcasts coming. You get me through the work day, though I admit to having to stifle giggles here and there.
3. I love that you just speak naturally, conversationally, on your podcast. Keep it up, and don’t worry about having a “radio voice.” Your listeners, if I may speak for us as a majority, love it!
All the best and much love,
Revs
I will be listening to this podcast tomorrow as I need to adjust my soundcloud privacy settings first. Whatever it says, I definately need to hear it. I’m super stressed with study atm & wasting crazy amounts of time on fakebook to cope. I understand the cognitive processes at play (to do with how we respond under conditions of high & complex cognitive load) & also factors that make fakebook addicting (every like or comment from others, or even message or notification triggers a squirt of ‘feel good’ neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain – the same one activated by drug use, shopping, binge eating etc btw) but I tried to deacticate for 1 day last week & failed! I will try again tomorrow. If people defriend me during my deactivated detox too bad. I have study to do & fakebook is just too distracting. I will report back! PS ((((((Revs!!))))) You sound AWESOME! & congrats on the site upgrades Nat!
Teach 🙂
PS Most people are already resistricted on my page anyway. Why? I don’t want work friends, family (not many of these but some distant third cousins etc), music contacts, people who friend IRL me & use my intellectual ideas & creativity for their gain having access to my inner circle & world. Same goes for aquaintences. Hence, hardly anyone gets unrestricted access to my full time line anyway! LOL
It is handy for feeling less alone when isolated for long periods due to study. Today I found another amazing way of doing this though. I left the house & took my dog for a social event mixing with REAL PEOPLE! Ha!
Love to all. X
Wow! I just listened! This is so true. I have always felt this way about Facebook, although i will
Admit I’ve caught my self in the self comparison suicide, and I will also admit I have been a stalker fit for for the F.B.I. i love the way you put it into words though. So very wise. So very true. I also don’t feel like this is talked about enough, or that enough light is not shed on reality of the “Facebook issue.” Thank you so much for sharing !!!!