Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.
So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on?
Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival.
Ashley suggests ‘I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of ‘no contact’ and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).
Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to ‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too!
Write ‘Don’t call {insert name} on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works.
Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible things that they did. Type up the short form of each offense and print it out in a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’; ‘He has never delivered on any of his promises’; ‘He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, crap lover’ or for those of us with a killer vengeance ‘His d*ck wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver.
NY Sharon suggests ‘On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.’
Clear out everything that is associated with him. It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable, but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box.
Take a break from dating. Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent you from kneejerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging him.
Be careful with alcohol. If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge.
Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader suggested, change his name on your phone to ‘Assclown’. Whatever you call him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, ‘If he catches you on the phone or at work say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.’
Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number.
Screen calls that you don’t recognise the number of or that come up unlisted.
Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily. NYSharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak.
Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends, family, hobbies, work. When we are messed around by men, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track.
Write a letter to him but don’t post it. Don’t type, write. This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him, or at least begin the process.
But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what, cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless. He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself.
The litmus test of the No Contact Rule is that over time you realise that you feel so much better without him in your life.
Good luck ladies and believe in yourselves!
Read Part One and Part Two which also includes more suggestions and ideas from readers.
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My ex broke up with me in early Nov. stating we fought too much and he was fed up with it and with paying more rent than me (and I should pay more because I have a daughter). I remained in our home two more weeks until I found a place to move but during that time I cried and begged for him to give us another chance. One time he agreed to then changed his mind again stating he needed space to figure things out. After I moved out I kept in touch stating all of our problems (finances, discipline of children, quality time) could be resolved. He agreed but said it was too much work.
So, I backed off. Then, his phone bill was emailed to me and I noticed a number on it that I didn’t recognize but he had been calling prior to my moving out. It was his ex-girlfriend.
He didn’t even tell me he was talking to her. He just kept telling me he was confused and needed space. When I told him I knew he was talking to his ex he got mad at me and yelled at me (his guilt coming out).
Then, he called off and on to ask me a question about our home and lease agreement and each call turned into an ego boost for him and me crying and feeling more confused.
Then, I saw him the night before new years and he looked so sad and hugged me still saying he was confused. So, I went by our house the next day and he wasn’t there — he was moving out. So, I went in to leave a note (I still had furniture there so I had a key) and I found her overnight bag.
Then, I saw her drive by our house with our dog in her car. Then, he called me yelling at me again.
Two days later I went by after our landlord called and I found my bed linens gone (after I said I wanted them back because they belonged to my mother and I couldn’t stand the thought of him sleeping with his ex or another woman on them — which he did anyways).
So, I called him to find out where they were. He told me he threw them out. Then after some questioning as to why he admitted he kept them and I could have them back if I was going to cry over some sheets and a comforter. So, I said he could keep them and I wished him well in life.
Problem is, I realize he isn’t a good guy or at least a good guy for me but I can’t get past him. I am having no contact but I don’t understand how he can have no contact. How can he just move on with her after being with me and my daughter for almost two years?
I have questioned my self-worth and my character assessment. I have been depressed and lost weight. It has been almost two months since I have moved out and I’m still crying over a guy who yelled and cussed at me and who called me names.
Why am I so sad about him being gone? I have been seeing a therapist and it is helping. I just am having trouble understanding and moving on.
I feel if he would have just ended things or told me he wanted to be back with her I would be doing better now. But, he went back with someone who he told me lies about in the past (when she called or he saw her at a friend’s house). So, I question our whole relationship now. And, his way of ending it didn’t make me feel valued at all.
I just want some peace. Please help…
PJ
You will get over it. I know right now it doesn’t seem as if you will, but I promise you will get over it. This is the universe’s way of telling you that he was not the right one for you. More importantly, this is the universe’s way of telling you to stop and learn the lesson. What was the lesson in all of this for you?
After two years, if he could walk away that easily, then there were signs all along. You have to remember with men, they secretely want you to have the attitude of “it’s all about me (the woman.” That way, they know that you are so completely sure of yourself, that they won’t end up being responsible for your happiness.
When a man knows that you can live life without him, he will make more of an effort to be in your l ife. When you let a man know that he is your life….they run away.
Simple. simple. simple.
Always, allow the man to like you a little bit more than you like him. Keep the power in your court and you’ll be amazed at how they keep coming back. You know why? Because self-confidence and self-esteem is shining through and they are attracted to that. Crying, begging, whining, nah….they can’t bear it and run away from it all the time!
When dating, keep the relationship “power” like it was when you first met him and he was interested and you (likely) played a little hard to get. The best way to keep a man? Keep a little distance from him, don’t become too available for him, keep a little mystery about you and don’t live with him before marriage!!
It will get better. Time heals all pains!!!
In the long run, it’s better for you to want what you don’t have rather than have what you don’t want. maybe you don’t see that now, but that’s where time fits into the equation. it takes time to fall in love with someone, so it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to get over him instantaneously after a breakup. The no contact rule gives us that chance. It was painful at first for me to implement it, but in retrospect it not only saved me from wasting any further time with an EUM but it also allowed me see my relationship for what it was, rather than what i wanted and hoped for it to be.
Hi Girl,
These are some really great tips for getting over a breakup. I really believe that you are half way to moving on after a breakup after you apply the no contact rule.
You can finally regain that sense of control and realize that you are the only one in control of your emotions. No – one else.
Like you said you have to be strong, but maybe you had to go through this breakup because you needed to learn to become stronger. Maybe you had to learn to build your self esteem so that you can attract a better quality of man into your life in the future.
Its these glimpses of hope that allow you to move on, without the resentment and the hurt. They allow you to realize that everything happens for a reason, that life gives you certain experiences not to be cruel, but to make you stronger as a person. To make you into a person, worthy and absolutely deserving of real and true love.
All the people that have entered and gone from your life, have all been practice for that one guy .. that is just right for you.
So continue to be strong and expect and wonderful future.
Hot Alpha Female
Thank you all for your comments and advice. I appreciate it more than you know. I enjoy reading this Web site and the comments — it has helped me to not feel alone.
I have been thinking about what I originally wrote and my ending statement weighs on my mind. “The way he ended things …”
I keep thinking of how many ups and downs we had throughout our relationship but when he chose to end things he was so cruel to me.
Lies, yelling, cussing, name calling … That’s what hurts the most. At the time when he could have been more courteous he chose to be cruel. I don’t understand that.
That is what has left me feeling so small.
I’m trying to grasp that the way he treated me has little to do with me and mostly just shows his communication skills and how they are not the same as mine.
Anymore comments and advice are welcome.
I feel much better since I cut the contact. Yes, I will admit that I catch myself wondering “does he even notice?”
Now that I understand a lot more about EUM and the way he treated me and I also learned that I let him get away with everything, I would be to embarrassed to ever make contact with him, I wouldn’t know if I should cry or laugh? I chased this “prince” for a long time!!! Ladies, does anybody else feels embarrassed?
Astelle, I feel much better as well and I catch myself wondering “does he even CARE?” But then I remember all of the blow-offs, lies, games, inconsistencies, etc. and I think I would be so disappointed with myself for contacting him at all! I would be embarrassed, and I would be essentially rolling myself out as a doormat for him again. I would feel even worse if he turned ~me~ down!! Nope. Not signing up for any of that. Life is so much better and I feel so much better about myself without his self-serving crap and drama.
cutting contact day 12
since cutting contact with EUM I have:
Sent his personal belongings back so i can no longer fantasize about how any minute now he might be back for his things.
Ive erased him from my address book, answering machine, e-mail contacts and inbox.
I’ve deleted all pictures of him.
I’ve re-gifted everything that ever came from him.
I’ve stashed everything in my house that directly reminds me of him out of sight until i’m not lovesick anymore.
I’ve moved the furniture around some so it no longer looks like “our house”.
i’ve made it clear to my well-meaning family and friends that i no longer want to talk about him. whether it be for or against him, I don’t even want to hear his name.
I’ve moved to on the couch until i get used to the idea of it being ‘my bed’ rather than ‘our bed
The first week was really all about removing remnants of him from my house entirely and it made me feel stronger to do that.
This week i’m starting to feel a deep personal loss and the reality of living alone has descended upon me. The fear of my biological clock stopping before i find mr. right. The fear of never finding mr. right. The fear of starting over alone, again, from square f-ing one!
cutting contact really is hard work!
I’m at a loss for words of wisdom so I’m going to borrow a slogan from A.A. , “one day at a time.”
I can’t change the past or forecast the future but i can resolve that FOR TODAY i choose to be strong rather than weak and hopefully i can resolve to do the same tomorrow.
and since it’s 1:30 a.m. i guess that means I just survived another day.
baby steps.
Hi Jennie
I really admire you and I love that you are continuing to be real with yourself even in the face of it feeling awful. You really just have to get past the short term phase. It is supposed to hurt and if it didn’t, you’d probably be wondering why it didn’t or at the very least, you’d have to question how much you really feel for him.
I remember when I left my ex fiance. It was only when I woke up in my aunts place in a strange bed with a few snatched belongings that terror filled me and I felt at a loss about all of the white space left to fill. Going back to our place was hard and seeing the impact of me no longer being there but his subsequent actions only sufficed to prove to me that I was right to go, and this only made me stronger over time. But it was horrible. But within a few weeks, life became incredibly normal and most importantly, it became mine.
Keep me posted on how you’re doing and well done on your baby steps.
I will be sure to put up my story of no contact
NML
xxx
I found out that my boyfriend of 4 months has been cheating on me. I admit that I checked his text messages (I’ ve never done this with previous partners) after some suspicious behaviour.
He isn’t just two-timing but three-timing, and that’s just from texts. Who knows how much he has been playing the field? This despite some stern warning from my male best friend.
I’m planning to break up with him and my male best friend has asked me to cut all contact and pull a disappearing act. What are your opinions?
I don’t want to hurt him but I do want to make him feel his loss. I’m pretty, intelligent, a professional and have a fabulous figure. What a jerk not to appreciate all that.
you can’t make him feel anything. cutting contact is about saving yourself from the assclown who is unworthy of your company.
Hey Jennie,
What you say is true. He’s abroad this weekend so we aren’t in contact anyway. So next week is going to be the real test. Gonna try cutting contact, finger’s crossed I’ll make it.
Been reading your post and must say that I admire how you’ve done it. Good for you.
Hi everyone,
I was dating a guy, let’s call him “K,” for five months.
He’s the typical Alpha-male, an egomaniac, doesn’t like to show his emotions, but when he does, he REALLY does. That was why I became involved with him. We’ve been butting heads since Day 1, but for some crazy reason, neither of us could let the other go. Every time I told him that he hurt my feelings and that I felt we were hopeless, that I was ready to walk away, he would text me and apologize or ask why I go “psycho” on him and that he really cares for me. His immature excuse was “I don’t do the whole emotional stuff but I do like you.”
Here’s the catch: He loved my physical appearance, I know that for a fact, and my friends believed it was more of a sexual relationship between us, but the funny thing is, we hardly had sex. Heck, sometimes when I wanted it, he told me no. It comes down to the question: He wanted to string me along for five whole months, so if not for sex, why?
Unfortunately I made that mistake of telling myself that things will eventually get better, that he would change, but who was I kidding? Even after we had our “talks,” he would fall back into the same routine of several texts a week, a call once a week. But on his days off, we would occasionally go out; movies, dinner, etc. He’d hold my hand, kiss me, introduce me to his friends, spilled his feelings and felt embarrassed after. And he did stop by and see me at school every Monday and Wednesday, so I felt as if we were OK.
However, things started going downhill. He started texting and calling even less. Last week my friends called me and said they saw him (in his parents’ car, maybe to hide from me?) on campus at the college I attend. He goes there too, but it was not the day he had class, and he was NOT there for me. I texted and asked why he was on campus, only to get “why?” as a reply. I had a feeling he was fooling around so I confronted him and got no reply. The thing was, we agreed not to see other people. So I finally told him, “All right, you wanna fool around? So can I.”
And I’m done. Deleted and blocked his phone number, tried to avoid running into him.
But I’ve been in a slump for the past couple of days and no matter how much I try to occupy myself, I feel horrible. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. I was NOT clingy, didn’t call him 24-7, didn’t stalk or follow him, didn’t fool around, and he every time he saw me he would say I’m “so sexy”, so why would he want to fool around? And what exactly did he want from me?
That’s the only thing I want to know, and I think I’ll be able to let it go. Help.
Carrie: These men–call them EUMs, narcissists, or plain ol’ jerks–don’t think like we think. The things we’d look for in a partner aren’t what drive them.
This man didn’t fool around with other girls because you didn’t measure up. In fact, this wasn’t about sex for him. Sure, sex was a nice perk, but notice that he actually denied you sex on more than one occasion. Sex itself wasn’t really his objective.
Guys like this are game players. They get off on the thrill of jerking women around; that’s better than sex to them. They need as much ego food as possible, and they get it by having multiple women dangling after them…and never quite satisfying any of them. That’s why guys of this variety often have some sort of sexual issue as soon as the newness of the relationship wears off. They’re freaked out by the emotional intimacy of sex and, at the same time, they get a high from the power trip of denying a beautiful woman sex. (How sick is that?)
So now you know. There was nothing wrong with you. There was, however, something very wrong with him. Consider yourself lucky that you got out as early as you did and had the strength to initiate NC. I was in a relationship like this that dragged on for years and wasted the majority of my twenties.
P J
You asked how he could move on.
He made a choice. He has his doubts about whether it was the right choice, but he chose to move on with his life. The fact that he is back to his ex has nothing to do with you, with your home, or your sheets. He wasn’t happy, and chose to make a change.
Your despair is because stuff happened to you. You had no choice in the split. And you still need to choose to live alone, to recover for you and the children. And you might consider what adult role models you want around your children. Someone disciplined, trusted, and respected, someone honorable and compassionate that you nurture, respect and trust – that is a goal for your future, one that will teach your kids healthy communications and values.
Lara,
He cheated. That is, he lied to you on a significant matter, he deceived you. And he is continuing to expose you, second hand, to unknown sex partners with unknown sexual health. Don’t let the details obscure the facts – he chose someone else. Nothing else matters, he made his choice. You need to honor that, and choose to live your life without him. From this moment, he is not just another person, not one that is welcome in your home.
Carrie, two works come to mind. “Trophy Wife”. He was using you, and your appearance, for social climbing, to boost his social rank. By keeping an attractive lady in his company, he seems more ‘manly’ to those he wants to impress (those he cares about). Think of the arrangement as more business than family oriented. Perhaps he wants to be a sugar daddy, and finds you frustrating for not playing the ‘dumb blonde’ role more quietly.
And congratulations on choosing to be a person, instead of a ‘sexy’ object. I would say you just misunderstood his intentions – you thought he offered intimacy, when all he was interested in was appearances.
Going on Day 5 of no contact and boy is this difficult.. He did call me at the end of day 3 and left a “funny” message, but I did not respond to it.. I have resorted to keeping my phone in the other room, turning it off at night about 8:30, and sometimes running errands and not taking it at all.. This needs to be done, but dont’ let anyone tell you it’s easy.. If I’m not home with that stupid cell phone right there, I’m at work where emailing him is a breath away.. Nothing will change, he is expecting me to probably cave, or maybe not.. bottom line, who the hell cares… We have been broken up for a little over a month and the NC rule has not applied.. I even met him for coffee a week ago.. BAD IDEA.. just brought back bad memories and we ended up in bed. GREAT MOVE HUH… 2 more days and I’ll make a week.. it has to get easier.. I cannot and will not break!!! He doesn’t give a sht why should I… Wish me luck.. I’ll post back…
Wow! What helpful insight from everyone. I broke things off with my EUM after he stood me up (for the third time) in early March because he was hurting over an ex. I should have known it was too soon for either of us to get involved with one another (both exited long term relationships in January). But it was such a good thing for a couple of months, I didn’t stop to consider how unrealistic any thoughts of a future were. Now I’m in NC mode and receiving texts and e-mails from him. I have to stick to my guns, though. NC means NC, even though it feeds my ego to know he’s reaching out to me.
I want to feel past this, to use the things I learned in a short time with the EUM to be more successful in future relationships. So I work out, work hard, take care of my responsibilities and am there for all my friends and family. I embrace my full life and move forward knowing I’M making the choice to move past it.
So, onward and upward. I am the change I’ve been waiting for.
Cheers to the rest of you.
first, i’d like to give you all props for not calling – cutting off contact is so friggin’ hard and i admire you all for loving yourselves a little bit more each day.
i’ve been “dating” my EUM for almost a year now and it’s evident that i need to cut things off ASAP, for my own sanity.
my question is — how do i do this? i mean, practically speaking? we made plans to hang out today but he decided tomorrow would be better because he really needs to clean his house (??) and he’s off to play world of warcraft sooner rather than later (*don’t* get me started on that…)
i have tried several times to cut contact and i’ve caved in each and every time. do i answer the phone tomorrow and tell him i can’t be friends until i’m over him? or do i simply not answer his phone calls?
please advise…and continue on your paths of excellence!
good things REALLY DO come into your life if you stick with the no contact rule!!!!
i broke it off with my EUM multiple times before i finally got it right.
for me, no contact had to include blocking his phone calls and e-mail because even if i felt empowered not to call him all it would take was for him to contact me and the loneliness of single life had me running back into his unavailible arms!
so this time around i not only cut contact with him, i also blocked him from contacting me. which made me stronger in my resolve to move on.
the hard part is the first four weeks. now it seems like there’s so many opportunities unfolding in my life that i didn’t have before. for the first time in years i have options!
i was too busy with EUM and his issues- i couldn’t see anything else. but now i have social commitments, people calling, old friends to catch up with and a vast amount of dating possibilities that were not apparent to me before. all you have to do is to be willing to cut contact and life will work itself out.
nobody said it would be easy, but i PROMISE it will be worth it!
Sometimes you have to clean the crap out of your life to make room for better stuff… and that can be old shoes or old EUMs… 🙂
I read what all of you write and this is going to sound silly but I am jealous of those of you who have cut contact but have them calling you back. I have cut contact for a few weeks at a time and nothing… and then I cave. I keep wondering does he not wonder where I have gone? Does he have a new woman that just replaces me? How do these jerks just find someone new? I am out there and find it awful meeting new people and the discomfort of it and it makes me just call him. Do these guys not go out there and feel the same? I mean sure he’s charming, good looking, etc. but he’s not some God. I didn’t think that it would be that easy to just find someone new.
So yes… I am jealous of you ladies that have him crawling back to you. I keep thinking I will get some validation of him wondering where I went and feeling a bit jealous that I might not care anymore but I get nothing… his indifference towards me all of a sudden is so painful.
Dazedandconfused
I’ve been trying with no contact since May 2008. The longest I’ve gone is 4 weeks. I’ve always been the one to end it as I can’t stand the ambiguity of our involvement, the games, the everything. The first few days would be awful. Then it would slowly get better. Then it would dawn on me that I didn’t think of Mr. EUM for ages. Progress! I would start to feel better and move on with my life.
Then BAM! He would call or show up and my resovlve would crumble. Never mind that during my time of NC I used to repeat to myself: “do.not.engage.” Tell him to “buzz off.” Don’t respond. But I would be so happy to see him. My heart would do flip-flops and I would hope that THIS time he would be ready to give the relationship a chance. Afterall, if he loves me and I clearly love him, we can make it work, right? WRONG.
Nothing changed. Then I would get angry with myself for breaking no contact, meaning that I now had to start over, which hurts even more than the time before. I don’t contact him – he contacts me. And I wish that he would leave me alone and let me grieve and get over whatever it is that we had, ’cause it wasn’t a relationship.
At least your EUM leaves you alone. While it may be an ego stroke to know that he is trying to contact you, in the end, it delays your healing & recovery.
Mine called me after 4 weeks and instead of hanging up the phone like I told myself to do, I listened to him. The next day he showed up at my office. Instead of booting him out I melted when I saw him.
Did he say he was sorry and wanted to make a go of our relationship? Did he explain why he stood me up? Did he suggest going out for a coffee so we could talk? Get back together? NO
He didn’t apologise for standing me up and refused to discuss us. But, he did declare his love for me and tel me how much he missed me.
FYI, that was a week ago, and I haven’t seen or heard him since. This froma man who “can’t get me out of his head.” If he knows that he is unable/unwillingly to truly love me, then he should be a real man and lave me be. But he keeps giving me false hope that we will be together and I keep trying not to take the bait.
So, don’t be jealous of those women who’s EUM’s keep initiating contact as it means nothing, you over anaylse this nothing and become sorely dispapointed when nothing changes.
I wish my EUM would go far, far away – and STAY there.
Dazedandconfused,
I totally understand what you mean, but trust me nothing to be jealous off…
I was dating my EUM for about 3-4 months when he started to play games with me (disappearing, blow hot and cold etc)…so I cut him from my life for 2 months – No Contact, I just disappeared!
He called me and sent messages and I was so strong for two months, but later I gave in, as Cynnie said…
Funny enough, but I noticed that he starts to appreciate me more…I am “playing” his games now and I dont feel “addicted” to him anymore…IF he will disappoint me yet again, I know what to do, thanks to NML and No Contact RULE!
What you’re describing is emotional blackmail, not the NCR. You’re playing games.
Sorry, but I calls ’em like I sees ’em.
Alright, now I’m kinda confused, about the:
“Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.”
‘Cause of course on many levels, I am hoping he will come back, in a more available form.
When we parted ways, I told him that the only reason I could see for re-initiating contact would be for some reason like: the depression was the reason he withdrew emotionally from me, or it is a milder treatable form of EU (and his EU causing woundings are all real easy to see). And I’d really want to see a doctor’s note about that. I still really think we had a lot going on. Well, maybe I was the one who had a lot going on.
Sigh. It is day 23 of NC, and now I don’t know if it was the right thing??? because I have dreams of getting back together if his therapy works???
So far he has honored the NC agreement, tho I have heard thru the grapevine, ok, me prying and snooping, that he is very sad and wishes he could talk to me. But I guess I can assume it is not on the topic of “I was and assclown EUM but now I’ve gone to therapy and figured out that I can love you forever and do a real grown-up type relationship.” Because I clearly gave him clearance to break NC for that subject.
We were together for six years and we went from being a mostly happy couple to NC in a week’s time. I’m shell-shocked and I am sure he is too.
Regina, NCR is for cutting contact with men that don’t want to break up even though they are incapable of putting both feet in the relationship or giving what you want. It is used for men who you have often tried the nice route of saying ‘Let’s break up, leave me alone, and respect my wishes’ who then do the complete opposite. In essence, it’s for breaking up. This is not what you’re doing.
You don’t want to break up so I don’t really see why you follow NC – in it’s most black and white form, you are breaking up to get a reaction and steer the relationship to your preference – this is an entirely different to what is being discussed here and is not something that I advise to readers. You’re on a break, plain and simple.The fact that you choose not to have contact with him is just an offshoot of that and how *you* choose to do things. You’re trying to force him to change by any means neccessary because you think that your relationship and him has more to it than he is currently showing or giving. Please don’t use the NCR in this form for what you’re doing because quite frankly, this is a quarter hearted exercise at it’s best, not even half hearted. I suggest you find a more constructive way to sort out your relationship because from what I can see, you’re either in denial about what you’re dealing with or you do know what you’re dealing with but you’re going to carry on regardless anyway, which defeats the point of what you are currently doing. This post and others are about dealing with emotional unavailability and getting to a happier, healhier you in happier, healthier relationships. If you think you have that in spite of him being emotionally unavailable then you need to find an alternative route to NCR. You need to figure out what you want and why you want it and be careful of doing things that in their most black and white terms, look like game playing and manipulation.
This is a very strange situation and maybe, if anything, you should be going to therapy with him. I’ve never heard of a ‘milder, treatable form of EU’ as there aren’t tablets for this. To be fair, all EU is ‘treatable’, it just depends on whether the person wants to deal with it and connect. Many emotionally unavailable men are actually obviously EU; it’s just that women choose not to see it, rationalise it as something else, or try to ‘fix’ it. Yes the causes aren’t always so obvious but the reasons only fall into a number of categories. You sound like you think your guy has an ‘illness’ – yes he is depressed but being EU is not an illness and I would be surprised if *any* doctor issued you with a doctors note. He could get over his depression and still be emotionally unavailable.
What I don’t understand is that if your relationship is so great, he’s not habitually emotionally unavailable and is suffering from a temporary phase of depression with as you put it, ‘milder treatable form of EU’, why did you choose NCR?
Good grief. I chose NC because I read the book, read everything on this website practically, except this article and that paragraph!
We broke up because we decided our relationship goals were incompatible. I wanted more time, cohabitation, more expression of intimacy, and he just wants things the way they were, seeing each other a few times a week, never moving the relationship forward. He was reading your book and agreed that he had EU traits. We talked about therapy but decided, in large part on the basis of the book, that therapy would not change the difference in relationship goals or the EU issues. I mean, you clearly state that none of this is about changing Mr. Unavailable into Mr. Available.
I am really not trying to play games! Of course I want him back, in a more healed and available form. Don’t we all, esp. just after a breakup? I believed that NC was a route to me getting over him, not breaking my heart repeatedly by coming into contact with what i can’t have. NC was how I thought I could best recover from horrible rejection. He turned down my request for moving the relationship forward, moving in, more connection. But he clearly stated and understood that those distances were decisions he made for himself caused by traumas associated with his divorce, economic ruin, and stillborn baby. Obviously I didn’t break it, I can’t fix it. I was being held accountable for the emotional injuries he incurred in previous relationships. (The woman before his wife, a LTR, cheated on him and withdrew sex, so are more expectations he had about intimate relationships that were not something I broke.)
I do believe that EU is the result of either poor emotional training in childhood or emotional injuries. Not an illness, but an injury, and like physical injures, treatable through emotional therapy. Not treating your emotional injuries and choosing to remain in an EU state is like breaking your arm and then choosing to “treat” it by taking Darvoset for the rest of your life.
So I am in therapy, and so is he, but not together.He knows he has this huge baggage and possibly clinical depression, so that was what he was going to work on in therapy. However, as you say, and I know very well, he could work on the depression and the EU injuries and still not want a relationship with me. I have absolutely no control over that, nor would it be proper for me to try to influence that. So NC would take me out of that process.
That leaves me working alone on my own healing. My therapist has become a big fan of Baggage Reclaim, but she doesn’t think I’m your classic EU Fallback Girl type. She’s having me work on some grief and loss issues, and recovery from an abusive workplace bullying relationship.
I haven’t read anything here about anything *other* than black and white NC. I don’t even know what a grey solution would be??? I also don’t know what it would be like to be “friends” with someone who broke your heart, or how it would be to watch your EU ex work on their baggage, not knowing if the outcome would be one you wanted, pretty sure it wouldn’t.
I’m 24 days out of a six year relationship and still quite heartbroken, I don’t know how I’m not supposed to have no regrets, wonder if I did the right thing, wish it could have gone differently, or not be thinking too clearly.
OK, I really do feel for you Regina but my response above is based purely on the info that you gave me in the previous comment. What I’m reading is conflicting information because in the first comment you were happy to NC in a week but in your most recent comment, well I see something else. NC in the context of Baggage Reclaim is not about anything other than what I present as it is for extricating yourself from difficult relationships. I’m going to say something to you that you may or may not be ready to hear – I appreciate that you love and care about him but it must have taken more than a week to choose NC and it’s not just because you are broken hearted. Everybody who breaks up needs space and time to heal because if you live in each others pockets and try to do the whole friends thing, it will end in tears and you can’t move forward. Your ex is emotionally unavailable, full stop. You can’t rationalise these things to half unavailable or a quarter because it is what it is and if he can’t commit to you, can’t deal with his issues and move forward and is incapable of giving you what you want, especially after 6 years, it says to me that this is not some minor blip. These are some pretty big issues and if he has been depressed, how have you managed to have a happy relationship?
You are actually right to end the relationship but like a lot of women at this stage of NC, you are hoping things will be different, you think he is different, and you’re focused on ‘the dream’. NC is a beginning, not an end. If you are meant to be in touch, it will not kill either of you to have no contact for 3, 6 months or even a year, especially if you *both* use the time constructively – that means you have to do your damndest to focus on your own life and not live in Neverneverland, because trust me, if this doesn’t work out, you will be devastated. If you have no intention of moving forward and you’re going to live in limbo, I wouldn’t even bother with NC. If you’re going to grieve the relationship, see him and the relationship for what it was, and get on with your life, then do NC. If you’re meant to be in contact, you’ll know in 3, 6 months or whenever. But you need to make up your mind because every person goes through self-doubt after a break-up; it is natural but it it has to be counteracted with common sense as opposed to heaping on more self-doubt. You have to trust your decision and trust your instincts, because you know what, he’s told you which way the land lies, which doesn’t give you what you want. You have to remember that, 24 days out of six years is miniscule. Give it time and stop focusing on him and his problems and start paying attention to you – he’s just had 6 years.
Grief, loss, trauma all can create emotional unavailability – you often find that people who have just had a bereavement can become withdrawn for a while. The difference is whether you ‘snap back’ to your normal self, or continue on a habitual basis. It’s not for me to say whether you are a ‘classic’ FB – what I will say is that either way you have things that you need to deal with and if you deal with those, you will find that your perspective and attitude changes about a lot of things. Based on your most recent comment, I suggest you continue with NC – I think anything else is just going to add more salt to the wound, and trust me, he hasn’t revolutionised the wheel in 24 days. Good luck x
NML, NC is a beginning not an end?
I don’t understand, for me NC was to end the madness.
You don’t start NC on day 1 and bam, your life changes immediately. It is a process that you need to commit to on an ongoing basis. It is a change in attitude and lifestyle. I am not saying it is not the end of the relationship.
Thanks, NML
I’m a successful, beautiful, funny, introverted 28 year old woman who just needs advice&support with my imbroglio:
U right, about u teach people how to treat u…currently for the past couple of weeks I’ve been having major problems with my ex,whose jewish…that shouldve rang a bell 2 years ago…he was honest,even to tell me that we could never have a traditional relationship due to his parents who would disown him, disinherit him, cut him from the family businesses,jewish community would expel him&his friends would shun him if he ever had to marry out of faith…I told him where to shove that condition. But after a month of meeting him,we got back into comm by mistake&even though I was overseas, he started texting,calling&emailin me every single day…I was flabergasted cos I’m so used to guys playing games…eventually we started seeing each other every day since august last year,till we got back from europe a few weeks again.
I thought the more time he got to spend with me, the more he’d realize that I’m a wonderful woman&that he tell his friends&family. We kept our “relationship” a secret from everyone we knew,we never hung out where our friends would be,we went to dinner at places that I would normally not of gone to…it felt like I was the other woman,with all the hiding&secrecy…so we ended up just staying indoors all the time,cooking, watching dinner&he would leave to go to work..(I brought up the fact that we should move in together but he told me,he will only once his married).
But whenever I felt that I was getting somewhere, I would bring up that I want us to have a REAL relationship,but every time all he would say is that the status quo wouldn’t change, that he wouldn’t bring shame unto his family by marrying a non jew,that he still wants to continue his father’s legacy&he won’t risk any of that! The crux of that is every time he said that – all I COULD hear was: u not good enough,u not beautiful enough,u not intelligent enough,u not educated enough,u just not good enough to risk my life for!
It ate away my soul,my confidence,my self esteem,my hatred towards myself grew everyday that I was with him,cos I believed I wasn’t good enough….I tried speaking to him to let him know what I was going through. I really wanted to walk away,cos I felt that if he really loved me enough he wouldn’t care what anyone or his family had to say…..for he was always there for me, he was constant in my life&he was wonderful to be with&his love for me was in his actions….so I was battling in the recesses of my mind&heart. The more I fought to keep him in my life, the more I hated myself, so much so that I went into deep depression!
The hatred for myself was so much that I started to project it onto him, we started fighting, arguing, I went away on holidays without him(he confronted me&I told him the truth) he stated calling me a liar,that I was rubbish that I am just causing harm to him&I deserve to be treated like a bitch cos I am a bitch towards him&how I’ve created a monster out of him!
Even while we were in europe we were fighting so bad that there were times I just felt like killing myself cos the pain was so excruciating and unbearable, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that…I believed that I was a bitch, that I am worthless that I didn’t deserve a man like him, that I’m lucky he even gave me the time of day!
The past few weeks since being back, he gave me the run around regarding the pics from the holiday&I was meant to give him some money back that I used on holiday to buy gifts for myself, but when we got back to south africa I needed to sort out other financial issues&told him ill pay him in january cos he wants to go to OZ then cos his sis is giving birth.
He blames me that he can’t be there for his sister,he blames me for all the fighting,he blames me for everything! Today I told him I’ve given him enough time to have dropped off pics&if he can’t respect me enough to honor his commitment to drop them off then why should i! It got really friggin nasty! I even told him that he can keep pics&never contact me again!
I now know why I always pick men who are emotionally unavailable is cos I am myself! I am a commitment-phobe!
I’m apologized for my mistakes so many times,I couldn’t see why I was acting that way…but looking at it now I understand that he might’ve loved me on a superficial basis&that I boosted his ego with my attention. He doesn’t want to speak to me at all now,he sent me an email earlier stating that he doesn’t want to be associated with a person like me,that I no longer have to give him money as long as I don’t contact him at all directly nor indirectly!I don’t know how I can make anything better between us cos I genuinely do care for him,but it hurts that someone whom I care about hates me so so so much 🙁
We’re both genuine,albeit we love to look good&give off this aura of sophistication& intelligence…..people assume that we’re cocky&untouchable but our relationship was so passionate, so intense we brought out the best in each other,but since I went on a holiday without him&lied…his attitude towards me changed drastically,he stopped having sex with me,he stopped being the person who I knew him to be&since sept this year we just brought out the worse in each other.
What went wrong? How can I make it better? What should I do? Should I NC him&hope with time all the hurt&anger has subsided that we’ll get back together?I need guidance please….
Thanks, NML, I spent a day in peace and productivity. Everything you said is spot on, and jives with what I have been thinking/preparing to do for over a year now. You are right, I have been practicing breaking up with him in my head for quite some time before I implemented NC. And I *just* found your Get Out Plan (can we have a site map please?) as well, and I see now that I had been putting myself through most of those paces as well. So for me, No Contact was No Surprise and a No Brainer. For him, it probably seems very sudden and unexplained. What he took for granted is now gone. I can empathize with him because I can empathize with a sticker burr that gets stuck in my foot, but now I’m going to try to empathize with myself.
Thanks, Natalie, I’m going to read myself to sleep with some yummy fiction now.
This site is saving my life and I ironically just found it less then a week ago. It pushed me to use the NCR. I had been with my assclown for 2 years. During that time although we talked almost everyday and saw eachother many times a week, we went through phases or levels of “commitment”. Some months i would practically live with him and only go home to get more clothes. . .some weeks I would only see him once or twice. I let him consume my entire life and let him emotionaly abuse me and tick away at my self-esteem. When I met him i was severly overweight and he was this confident attractive successful guy I thought really liked me. He told me about 6 months into seeing eachother he could not commit until I lost weight. He said everything was perfect with me. . .I was his bestfriend. . .how beautiful I am. . .blah blah blah. Well guess what? I lost 90lbs. I look HOT now and is he ready? NO! I had discoverd that his EX before me. .who i imagine he was still seeing when we met, ended things with him via the NCR. I tried to apply it many times before when he would act out or dissapoint me and each time I swore I would not go back. But it never worked. I would not answer calls, ignore texts and I even changed my phone number. He would contact my friends to try and get to me, call my work using a fake name, email me that he had changed and so on. A few months ago he told me he met someone else and could not be with me anymore because I reminded him too much of his EX. I thought I was litteraly going to crumble into dust. I was so hurt and angry and he would commit to a stranger and not me after all this time. He called me the very next day and acted like nothing ever happened. He begged me to come and have dinner with him and I went like a fool, because I needed him to need me to want me back. He turned me into the other women for two months when finally I met someone else. I told him and he freaked he kept calling and asking what I want him and I to be what I need from him. I went back again and he took a call from her infront of me! I was livid I went to storm out and he asked me to please come by the next day to “talk” about us. The next day I got a text saying “We don’t need to talk she is my girlfriend and that is that” I was stunned stupidly again. I knew then that the only way to stop him from hurting me was NC. He called the next day and when I didnt answer gave me an ultimateum, that if I did not call him back in one hour and meet with him to “talk” he would never call me again. . .GOOD! I did not call. Two days later the emails started. . .The one that got me was “I have been doing some serious brainstorming .. and realized that you are a great person. Hopefully the person for me. So I broke up with the girl that I was seeing for the past few months because its not fair to anyone for me to be with someone other than the person that I connect with best. So if you still want me to be part of your life then give me a call. if not… i understand” I waited two more days through two more emails inviting me to a black tie event and so on. . .Then I called. . .he was like “OH MY GOD i thought i was never going to see you again. . .I am so happy now. . .I was so effected by you leaving me” I thought he got it he finally saw the light and how much he cared about me. . .WRONG again. On tuesday I picked him up from work. . .we went to his place and I saw a pair of her shoes there! I said I thought you told me it was over with her and you broke it off with her to be with me. his respone “Im not ready to be in a commited relationship with anyone. . .lets take it day by day”. I pathetically let him talk me into staying that night but the next day I found this site and I knew it was over. . .I sent him this on friday “I have been doing some serious brainstorming . . . I made a mistake. I realized that I came back this last time for a reason that you made perfectly clear the other night, no longer exists and I can’t pretend anymore. I really have changed in the past six months and it is no longer acceptable to me to be in a situation where I am relegated to being “the other woman” or some back up girl. You no longer have the luxury of being ambiguous, vague and indecisive with me. I would not be able to be true to the person I am now if I tolerated this. If that is the kind of girl you want in your life you will have to look elsewhere, I am not her. ” I have blocked his phone number and all email addresses! It has been two days and I know that it wont always be this hard. I also know it wont always be this easy but I can find comfort in the fact that I took the control back in my life and I rejected him in the end. The ultimate push was fear. I feared being hurt by him over and over again and I could not take it if he rejected me again. I stand on this. . . I know him he is not alone right now. . .that poor girl is stroking his ego as I write this but I dont care. . .that is her problem now because I refuse to be the girl he makes miserable for the rest of her life!
Good going, Stephanie! We will all be playing your send-off, casting ourselves in your role!
Thanks Regina! Your words are total motivation. I think what the hardest part is, is accepting that I will never speak to him again and he will just turn into this blank space. I have been dating someone new. . .A “nice guy” and I feel compleatly EU to him. I never call, wait till whenever to get back to him, break plans and I even flirted with another guy infront of him and I am definatly still going out and looking but I can’t seem to get up the nerve to just tell the guy hey Im not that interested, because I love the constant attention. He even told me he used to be one of those guys that just used and slept with girls. . .but he decided that it was time to grow up or maybe its my UE that has him chasing. He annoys me and I still let him come over or take me out . .it freaks me out because it makes me wonder “Is this how my EUM felt about me”? Was he like ugh I guess i’ll just hang out with steph since im bored. . .That would make me feel sick. It shouldnt bug me. I should realize all relationships are different and I am not him. . .or am I? Has this happened to anyone else? oh the assclown is calling me from his office right now! Guess I have to block that number too. . .Going on day 3. Oh any ladies reading this that just dont answer the calls and texts. . .I have tried it both ways and it is much easier on you if you block his number from calling. . .it takes away the guilt or temptation of answering because you dont get the calls and dont know how often they are comeing. I once broke NC because he literally called me 20 times in one day. Good luck to everyone. . .I’ll be back im sure.
Stephanie,
You know how painful it is to be treated this way. Let this guy go, it isn’t fair to treat him this way. Break the cycle!
I know your absolutly right. I think that I just wanted to be in a “real” relationship so I picked a guy I knew could give that to me. But if I am not ready to give it back then it still is not “real”. I think being on my own and working on me is best for now.
It’s good to get your head together and the only way you can do it is on your own. Perhaps when you’re in a better place this guy will seem more attractive.
Stephanie
You are being mean to this guy. End the relationship and focus on yourself for the time being. Why are you punishing this guy for the crap your EUM did? That’s what it seems like….
I also think you’re addicted to the drama (…interested, because I love the constant attention…). You’re not getting the drama from EUM, so you’re creating it with New Guy.
Take some time to reflect on you and what you really want. Until then, no dating!
Another thing you can do instead of simply saving him as “Assclown” in your phone, name him “Dont Answer” …it helps if you’ve given out your number to creepers @ clubs before and saved them as “Dont Answer” also, so you never know if it’s a random creeper or the real meathead Assclown. (I’m not saying do it, but I have friends who just can’t say no to these people). Same goes for bill collectors… LOL
I was re-reading my comments from back in November…and I realize that I was doing better then than I am now. It was NCR. I was 2 months into NC in Nov and then in Dec he contacted me and I broke the NCR by speaking with him and seeing him once (not sleeping with him). I’ve been NC now for 2 months again, however it was a MAJOR SETBACK. It hurt me so much and felt like I was going through the breakup all over again. I see how much work it takes to feel good about myself again. We were speaking almost everyday for a few weeks and this was a huge falling off the wagon so to speak. So, my point is stick with NC…going back will only make you feel worse. This is a huge wake up call for me. All of the work I did to move on was just thrown out of the window. He hasn’t changed…if anything I see him for the real playa he is…I allowed myself to be in denial of who he really was and wore rose colored glasses…I was in La La land with thinking he was the one for me. What I wanted him to be was not in reality who he was or who he wanted to be. It still hurts and everyday I think about him and how I let this relationship take over my emotions. 3 years is a long time and I don’t expect to be over it in a minute, but I know, I’ll never let him near me again.
Hi All,
I’ve been dealing with an EUM for about a year or so now. Its amazing how I could have been reading this website on and off for about two years now and STILL made all the classic errors listed here. Mind you, i have applied the NCR rule with this idiot before, even though eventually, I would accept contact from him again. We don’t live in the same country, and he won me over initially with hour plus long phone calls, various times a week, no small feat I figured since he lives in the UK and I live in the Caribbean. He talked a whole lot about getting a job in my country, moving down etc…a fair amount of interest considering that at that point, we’d never even so much as held hands, he just so enjoyed talking to me… Let’s just note that at the time i was in a relationship with someone who i got with after my previous relationship of 5 1/2 years crashed and burned. This guy was really nice, but somehow,something was missing. drama perhaps? Looking back i can now see how very EU i was in my relationship, which became on and off again with the nice guy! What to say? the details of my “relationship” with the EUM are so embarrassing! He cancelled at the last minute on our trip to Europe where we were supposed to get to know each other better! I was pissed and cut him off for about 3 months. But when I finally did make the Europe trip I met up with the EUM and ending up sleeping with him becuase he was just so contrite and told me how sad and upset much my cutting him off had made him! Then he blew hot by Facebooking me for the duration of my Europe tripe (which i spent with the dependable nice guy) and showered me with attention via telephone to find out if i’d reached back to my island okay. Lots of attention when it seemed there was danger of me forgetting about him! But when i told him that i missed him…he blew cold and dropped out of sight for another 3 months. one may think that i’d had enuff…but true to form he popped up just in time for the major festival that he and his crew fly in for in my country. I’d hoped to be out of the country but my plans went arwy, and i’d just been through two breakups with the nice guy and another dude i’d started seeing after. Wasn’t two sad about that, because i had applied the “boundaries in relationships” set of rules and sent that man packing. Nice guy remained on the fringes but i did us both a favour and didn’t lead him on. So the EUM popped up just in time…he had to work a little harder than usual to get me, and it seemed shaky there, but sure enough, hours after we slept together, on the final day of the festival when I am going home alone…I just happen to see him with some other female in tow, clearly just “playing himself”. At that moment for me I had had enough…So i implemented NCR once again. He’s called to ask me if he did something to uspet me, and I just told him it didn’t matter and not to contact me again. This because i bloc\ked him on msn, dropped him from facebook, but before that, dleted all links of me on photos that he has up, and then deleted all photos of him or us that i had…and even that of his wingman..who called to try and give me the scoop of how their holidays had gone at the next island that they went to for a sun and sand vacation after the festival.AGGGH. I cut the Wingman short and he arrogantly told me that I could call when I was ready….LOL. i’ve deleted all phone numbers so they may grow old and grey waiting for that call. I am so embarrassed that its taken me this long to get this fool out of my life…and so far its been almost a month of NC. But amazingly i find myself missing him? WHY???? I know he will call at some time, but what concerns me more is that I know I’ll see him in the UK at some point? what to do then? act frosty and cold? (but doesn’t that scream that I still care?) , ignore him (childish?), pretend he’s stranger? I am confused about that and having read what I’ve been reading i wouldn’t want to set myself back. Or am i just worrying about this crap far too much?????
what do you guys think???
You know you really want to get over a guy when you go online and research on how to get over a guy. I am so glad to come across this one.
My situation is… I’m a serial “sleep with a guy who’s not looking for a relationship but end up falling for them anyways”. For the last 3 1/2 months, I’ve been sleeping with a guy who from the beginning told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Like any other blind mistake, I have this delusional glimpse of hope that he’ll change his mind. So I stay around and settled with late night booty-calls. A few weeks into this booty call I brought up the subject of relationship. I asked why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and he said he wanted “Friends, Freedom, and Fun”. Then he asked me the same questions and my reply was, “I really don’t want to be in a relationship. I just want to sleep with a guy knowing he’s not sleeping with someone else”. So with that, we decided to be monogamous f-buddies. (My second mistake). After awhile, my emotional needs starts to mix with my physical needs (Red Flag). I start to get jealous, question him, get angry with him, you know… I didn’t like what it was turning me into. I would obsess on checking his facebook or his friend’s facebook to see what he’s been up to. I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t shut him off. So what did I do? I told him I didn’t want to talk to him… 3 different times. Now I’m the Boy Who Cried Wolf (My third mistake). When I say I don’t want to talk to him he replies “Ok.. talk to you later”… which he turns out being right. I just can’t seem to get myself away from him. I would find a reason to talk to him and justify it (falsely). It needs to stop.
I’m to a point where I’m so distracted with thoughts of him I can’t focus in class, fall asleep and/or stay asleep, and be productive with what I need to do in life. I’m already unstable with going to one phase in life to another (young adulthood to just adulthood) and this distraction is definitely unneeded. I know what to do… my fault is I can’t seem to act on it. I have unknowingly tried NC before and it has worked. Hopefully this time around, it’ll work its magic again.
By the way, he’s not a bad guy at all and he doesn’t directly treat me like crap… I just feel like it sometimes because he doesn’t do what I want him to (aside from committing). Like walk me to my car on a late dark night in the city… We’re in different parts of our lives and we want different things… I just need to move on from him so I can have what I deserve.
I am so glad I have just found this blog, I have lasted so far with the NCR for 4 weeks and feel really good about it,I
too was in a relationship with someone who was emotionally unavailable and played around and I wanted that too change and kept hoping one day it would, and then would end the realtionship and start the NC but always gave in when I didn’t hear anything.
I realise now that however much I miss the person it did’t and wouldn’t work and I have to move on from the denial and am concentrating on my self esteem and my self respect and know I am worth more.
How do you do the no contact rule if you both work together (he is a superior) when leaving jobs is not currently an option.
He will go weeks when he is all over me and I am the center of his world, then POOF he drops me in an instant and is extremely cold and disattached to me. But I am so in love that I keep putting my hand in the fire only to end up burnt. This cycle has been going on for a year and a half and I don’t know how to end it other than no contact. But I can’t leave my job at this time. What to do?
Yesterday, I told my Aquarius boyfriend to leave. It felt so dam good and honestly I think I should have done it a long time ago. This past weekend my car was given me problems, so he took it to go get fixed. He called me around 5:00p.m. and told me a little things that was going wrong with it and he said he would call me back. I didn’t here from him till Sunday morning around 10:00a.m. The sad thing about it was that I had to call him. He doesn’t have a cell phone(it’s broke) and he said that he was over his mother house. I did call and his brother and he said that he wasn’t there the first time I called. Then I called again and he said “my bad girl I was knocked out that boy is out there working on that car” I didn’t believe that one bit. I really think that the car was fixed on Saturday. He didn’t even have the nerves to call me to say that he was going to spend the night over his mother’s house. I have been so good to him. I have three kids of my own and I even took care of his two kids not to keep him, but because their mother is on drugs and have no part of their lives. I cook, clean, take care of the family and have been faithful to this man. He’s all over me one day and the next day he isn’t. I told him to leave while I was at work. When I got home he was gone….he left his DVD player and some clothes in the washer. I don’t know if he just forgot it or did it on purpose. I truly love this man and I wish that we could work it out, but he has got to get it together. I don’t ask for much so how could he do me this way. He left me a letter telling me that he will always love me and my kids with all his heart(I wonder did he mean it) Do you think he will call? Do you think he’s hurting? Do you think he miss me? Help me please someone…..
I’m considering breaking NC my ex-EUM to tell him to stop contacting me! I’ve done everything, blocked e-mails, Facebook, I don’t return his calls, and I had the “have a nice life, don’t ever call me again” conversation. He waited a few months then started calling. I was able to ignore him until he tricked me recently by calling from a number I didn’t recognize, I had to be cordial because I was at work, but I ended the conversation quickly. He had nothing valuable to say, just the typical “I want to make sure you’re okay/still alive” conversation. By the way, we broke up two years ago! We went through about 4 mos of trying to be friends, but I realized I was just holding on, so I totally cut all contact, even changed my number.
His behavior is weakening my resolve because I’ve always wondered if he’d change. Should I continue to try to ignore him, or do I call him and tell him (again) to never ever call me? Or heck, is it possible that in two years he’s grown enough for me to consider giving it a try?
I have just received a voicemail message on my mobile from my long standing assclown. I have been seeing him for 22 months [since November 2007] and he always told me he never wanted a relationship. On top of that he hardly ever took me anywhere, and whenever we did go anywhere it was always me who instigated it [and paid]. Basically, i let this poor excuse of a man use me for all that time and i got miniscule crumbs in return. And very poor treatment at times.
Then in June this year, he randomly announced that he had a girlfriend!!!!!!!! [remember, he told he he was not looking for a relationship with anyone] And get this! He explained to me that he had always faniced a particular girl since the age of 21 [he is now 33] but nothing happened between them back then. But in May this year, he randomly bumped into her on the street and he asked her to be his girlfriend on the spot. They did not even court and they had not seen each other in 12 years!!! And she accepted his girlfriend invitation.
Well, this man has continued to sleep with me since the arrival of his new girlfriend. I hated myself for doing this but i just couldn’t stop it. It was like i was addicted to him, the sex and the physical attraction. But the more i continued to see him, the more i became disgruntled at having to be his SIDE SHAG whilst some other girl [who, unlike myself, has invested zero time in him] takes the glory of being his official girlfriend who gets to be paraded in front of his friends and family.
So when he called me last week for a booty call, I TURNED HIM DOWN. Because i rejected him [i rarely do] he told me not to contact him again. But i did. In fact, i was so angry and hurt by the disrespectful way i’ve been treated for 22 months, i started to text him everyday since our phone-call, sending at least 3 a day! I know girls! I turned *psycho* on his ass, telling him how hurt i am about him taking up with the new girl, and it felt like a dagger to my heart. I also accused him of being cold and selfish and having no consideration for me and my feelings. I also told him that him and the girl will not last and that he is going to miss me and want me back in his life. I couldn’t help myself. I knew sending him all these texts was the wrong thing to do but i felt compelled.
I received NO reply whatsoever to my texts….. until today! after i sent him yet another 2 texts. The last time we were together [around 2 weeks ago] he was telling me that he would like to be having sex with me long into the distant future [even around 10 or 20 years from now]. I did not say anything at the time, but today his words crossed my mind and i became angry. Since he has made it clear in no uncertain terms that we will never be a proper couple, I felt that he was assuming i was going to be dumb enough to continue being his secret side-shag for the next 20 years of my life.
So my 2 texts this morning addressed this issue and i told him that he was absolutely crazy and he would never get me to waste my life, fulfilling his pathetic pipe dream as his bit on the side [whilst he gets on with is life, building a proper life with another woman], and if he was going to be sleeping with me 10 or 20 years from now, it would be because we were HUSBAND AND WIFE, not as a side shag!
As soon as the texts were delivered, he immediately called me, but i did not answer. He then left a voicemail message on my mobile telling me that my all texts are now pissing him off and we need to go our separate ways. I replied, cursing and swearing at him, telling him i’m glad i finally pushed him over the edge. I also told him to leave me the f**k alone now from now on.
Needless to say, he never replied to that one!
I have his girlfriends phone number and for a hot second i felt like calling her an telling her all about me and him. I even dialled her number but there was no reply. Now, i have thought against contacting her as i know it’s not going to bring me any satisfaction.
I hate myself right now, for being such an idiot to let a man treat me so badly for the last 22 months. This is not my pattern at all!! I still don’t understand how this man got to get away with murder. I am usually a woman of high self esteem, high expectations and firm boundaries. I know it sounds hard to believe but i am actually used to good treatment from guys!
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME????????????
When i used to tell my friends about me and him, they’d look at me like i am MAD to stay with him. I started to feel judged so i stopped talking to them about us.
I really do hope i will be able to forgive myself, as i feel so ashamed to have allowed such blatant liberties to take place.
But now that I FINALLY got a reaction from him after all those texts, i feel like i can start to heal and move on now. [yes i know that sounds pathetic as i should not have to wait for him to tell me to leave him alone before i decide it’s over].
Day 1 of “No Contact†starts tomorrow.
Wish me luck girls! I am about to go cold turkey. I feel it’ll be successful though because i have now angered him so i dont think he’ll be contacting me now anyway. And i am now too embarrassed to dare contact him again.
On the other hand, we have gone through worse incidents in the past and we still got back together so i really don’t know for sure whether or not he’ll try contacting me again in future.
If that time does roll around, i really do hope i will have the strength to tell him to go to hell.
You should contact his girlfriend. She deserves to know what kind of jerk he is. I wish my wife’s lover had contacted me. It would have made things much easier.
Okay so here’s the deal -today was day 25 of NO CONTACT with my ASSCLOWN who treated me so bad, disrespected me and pretty much made me feel like i was nothing/nobody!! i wanted him soo bad and he made it very clear to me that he did not want a relationship with me and that i would never be his gf-which in turn made me question time and time again what the hell was wrong with me that i just could not make this guy see me for the sweet nice girl that i really am and make him want to feel for me what i felt for him-after deciding that it was not only a good idea but actually very necessary for my state of mind and overall well being to let this guy go i decided the no contact rule was the best way to go actually the only way to go…
The first week was probably the hardest because i was so used to calling/texting/messaging him every single day that it felt weird not to do anything at all but as the days went by it got a little bit easier and i started to think about him less and less and even today although i did think about him i knew that there was NO WAY i would initiate any contact with him and its made me feel so strong and proud of myself BUT then today my phone rings and who happens to be calling well none other but THE assclown..i was very surprised to say the least and for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!:(( but at least it was him calling me and not me calling him..anyways i just answered because i was curious to see what he wanted maybe he missed me, maybe he felt like seeing me and talking about things, or trying to work something out…hahah i should of known better than that!! the reason he was calling was to ask me for “a favor”,,,which sounded all too familiar because last time i hadnt talked to him for a long stretch of time he called asking me for “a favor”..not a favor that involved seeing him or anything but just getting him some information that he needed and this time he is calling me for the same reason-so being the sweet nice girl i am i agreed to do this favor for him..but my QUESTION is this-am i making a mistake by helping out this guy who has hurt me so much?im still not completly over him but i would like for him to realize what he’s missing and show him that despite everything i am the bigger person??should i call him back and give him the info that he needs or not even bother??does no contact mean never seeing or speaking to him again?? is he actually just testing to see if the “door is still open” or just make sure that i dont forget about him???who knows but i do need some much needed advice as to what to do before i fall for what may just be a trap and go through the cycle of hurt and pain all over again -thank you!!!!!!:)))
Please post your stories in the forum if you are looking to discuss your issue or get personal advice. Thanks
My man was a fun male in Tampa. He was a trucker (short distance). He called me every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We spoke every morning at 8 a.m. He called me, I called him. We met at a bar and and made out in the parking lot. We continued to have one hour conversations on the phone at least once a day, often more. We did this for two months. I drove to Tampa and he took me to his favorite outside bar on the water. We had a great time, drinking, talking with people, and holding hands. We made passionate love that afternoon in a rainstorm. He continued to call every day, and I called him. But he could never come see me on the weekends. He always had some excuse: his Uncle in Texas died, his mom had a heart attack, his car was in the shop, he had to make a delivery… He always had an excuse and the whole time told me that he wasn’t dating anyone else. Well, after two months of being in a dead-end relationship, I found this website. Thank God! Now I understand all of the dynamics that have been going on. I wrote him an e-mail and told him that I wasn’t going to play the game anymore. He wrote back and explained how he couldn’t see me because he had an “emergency” delivery on Saturday. I have not e-mailed him back nor will I. I will not call him (as has been my pattern). We have “broken up” 3 times already because he keeps standing me up. But I was the one who kept e-mailing him to reignite the relationship. I feel so empowered now, after reading all of this information on being a “Fallback Girl.” I have never been one before and it was new to me. But I’m a mom and have been single for so long because I’m older and more cautious. I didn’t even know that I was in a relationship with an unattainable man. He was perfect for me. We clicked emotionally, sexually, and intellectually. But he was unattainable, still is, and always will be. Thanks so much for this website because with knowledge comes power.
How can I apply da nc rule if there is a child involved. How do i cope wit a break up when there is a 4 month child involved? It makes it almost impossible to get over him!
Just at the lovely place where I own the fact that ‘yes I fell for an emotionally unavailable man’ I knew he was and told him so, I kept him at a distance and after a few months he seemed to respect me for it…I say seemed because it just made him more determined to ‘win’ me! I ket down the barriers and what happened? He made promises, borrowed money, lost his flat thru not paying rent, moved in without asking…the first time I finished with him…got another flat, lost it, then even tho i knew all his words meant nothing i STILL didnt get rid of him. At one point I ould set aside a few mins every day just to cry! So I eventually waited until he went out last week and locked all doors and threw his stuff into yard! It took a visit from the police but he is gone!! I deliberately waited until i knew he had no money for a few days and his mobile stopped working before i did it cos I knew I may crack. So a week on and i have had time and space to be myself again…i missed myself and knew he was trying to stifle all the positive vibes that initially attracted him! All inall he is a troubled man who I NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR!! For anyone in the hell i was in…stay strong and recognise your own worth, only your children deserve unconditional love from you! xx
i broke up with my narcissistic ex for the 6th(i think?) time. i always get sucked back in when i see him crying and acting a mess. this time i told him ‘do not contact me unless you agree to go to therapy with me’, knowing he’ll never go.
he emailed me telling me i’m his best friend, his favourite person, the times with me were the best times of his life and that it ‘kills’ him that i am not his friend. i called him (for the last time ever) and told him that i don’t want to be friends, that i want a real relationship and to go to a counselor together to work on our shared issues. he said he ‘didn’t do shrinks’ and that he needed time to think about it. then i pulled the plug for good! i told him it’s too painful for me to continue with this, that there will be no contact between us and that i am not interested in male friends at this point in my life.
yay for me! i feel so good.
i feel amazing!