Several years ago after I broke up with my ex fiance, my mother said something that really infuriated me at the time – “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”. It felt like a slap in the face and I smarted from her words but they stuck in my head for a very long time and in the end, I came to recognise the significance and truth of her words once my pride had settled down.
It’s true – I used to live like my only option was whatever guy I was seeing at the time and it was more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation that I was looking for, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When I wasn’t in a relationship, it was like I was passing time between Mr Unavailables and assclowns, hungry to fill up the ‘vacancy’ left by the previous guy. I craved love, intensely sought out validation, and privately lived with a black cloud over my head while I outwardly smiled at everyone.
When I became ill with the immune system sarcoidosis in 2003, I was so distracted by the ‘guy with a girlfriend’ that even though I should have been focusing on my health, I was more interested on focusing on him as my only option! It was only when I ditched him that it occurred to me to start fighting for my survival and opening up my options.
In the past, my friends and family have been more than a little bewildered by some of the guys I’ve dated and looking back with the benefit of hindsight which gives wonderful 20:20 vision, I can see that I was seriously selling myself short. Why? Because I didn’t think I deserved any better.
When I got engaged, I felt that even though I had serious misgivings, I was being proposed to so I should accept.
I also cannot tell you how many times that I have willed myself to start becoming interested in someone because they showed interest in me, as if I had to reciprocate. This is how I ended up in a number of half hearted relationships and yawning my way through many dates.
I don’t think I’ve admitted this before, but the last chunk of my relationship with the guy with a girlfriend, I think I wanted to win more than I wanted him. I didn’t even like him anymore and had lost respect for him. The intensity was fading and the memories of the repeated let downs and hurts were prominent in my mind. But I had to be right so I sold myself short for several more months because of my pride.
Last week I met up with Baggage Reclaim readers both here in London and in New York and as I listened to stories from the mouths of women who deserve so much better, I wondered why so many of us sell ourselves short, loving men who don’t love us, loving men with girlfriends and wives, being verbally, mentally, and physically abused, being toyed with, used for sex, robbed of our dignity, and sometimes robbed of our money, health, friends, and family.
How much will we sell ourselves short in the pursuit of love?
And while it’s fair to say that these men (and women) who at best take advantage and at its worst abuse us are at fault, what we have to realise is that as we are 100% responsible for ourselves, we have our part in in it too.
It is us who are selling ourselves short – not them.
It is not their job to do better for us than we would do for ourselves. They can’t take what we don’t give, even though, to be fair, sometimes they do their damndest to mislead that giving.
Every day I read stories in my email, read the comments, Facebook, and even general stories via my friends, acquaintances, and of course the media, and I feel deeply saddened that there are many women who are like how I have been, believing they have no options, or their option is someone who treats them ‘less than’. It’s like we don’t believe in healthy relationships anymore and are desperate to fill up a void with somebody, anybody…just as long as they cater to our beliefs.
Here’s the thing: I know that dating is not as straightforward as it used to be and lazy communication has been enhanced by texts, email, and instant messenger, as well many people thinking that there are so many fish in the sea that they don’t need to commit, but when we believe that our options are limited or that we have no options, that limiting belief becomes very real.
When I believed the world was full of assclowns and Mr Unavailables, it was all I was interested in and dated. When I believed that there were a lot of assclowns and Mr Unavailables but that there were plenty of healthy people too, lo and behold, I saw them, met them, and was interested, with the key difference being that I actually believed that I was worthy of being with a decent guy. I don’t mean pretend believe while privately sabotaging it with other beliefs but actually genuinely believing it was possible.
Before, I acted like I had no options, not because it was what I intended but because I had limited myself to limited relationships with limited men because I didn’t believe I was capable of having a normal relationship. To be fair, it’s not like I had great examples in my childhood, but that aside, I didn’t believe a normal, healthy guy who acts with love, care, trust, and respect, would want to be with me. I was convinced I’d mess it up, they’d discover something unlovable about me and all my flaws, or they’d leave. Better to be with someone who was going to leave anyway – I was kinda prepared for it!
It suited me to believe I’d mess it up – I never really had to try and put myself out there. I’d throw my energy into the limited capacity of a limited relationship. It felt like a lot and that I was working for the relationship – I was running on the spot.
It suited me to think I was unlovable – It was like giving myself license to be resigned to dating assclowns. It meant I could keep them at a distance, cater to the self-fulfilling prophecy, and ultimately never really put myself out there because I was too busy proving that I couldn’t be loved by people who had a limited capacity to love anyway.
It suited me to think they’d leave – It meant that I was never really in it because I deep down expected them to go. That fear of being abandoned, when it was realised, painful as it was it felt familiar. When they weren’t leaving, I started acting up, and then I could convince myself they’d leave anyway. I’d forget I’d stirred things up and instead focus on the leaving me because I’m unlovable bit.
We can sell ourselves short before we even do a damn thing because we’re already selling ourselves short in our head, telling ourselves negative messages, not believing in our capabilities, and believing that the answer to our problems is in someone else.
If you keep believing that the answer to your problems is someone else and external love, you won’t heed the ultimate message that you need some internal unconditional love to really experience love. This isn’t going to happen as long as you think the responsibility for loving you lies with someone else. That is selling yourself short because you’re offloading the responsibility of your happiness on others and even when you do, you offload it to people who are not responsible ‘relationship drivers’ because you’re choosing people that mirror your negative beliefs.
There are only too many people out there who are willing to go and put some crappy ‘love oil’ in your ‘tank’. You’ll ‘run’ but you’ll go in fits and starts and you won’t be healthy. The tank will never be full if you haven’t put your own self-love in the tank, so no matter how much you try and get others to fill up the void, what it needs is the reserve of your self-love. If you sell yourself short, at best you’ll be running on an almost empty tank, and at it’s worst, you’ll be running on empty. Other People’s Love tops it up although some people’s ‘oil’ is of a low grade quality that may do a lot more damage to the tank in the long run…
Stop selling yourself short. Whoever they are that are causing you pain, you can do better. When you start working through the beliefs in your head, you’ll see how much your own internal angst is limiting you. The pain you’re causing yourself – there’s another, far less painful route if only you’d start considering your options. It’s better to stretch yourself and get uncomfortable so that you do justice by yourself, rather than staying in a comfort zone where you experience limited love, joy, and happiness.
Have you considered other options other than the one where you stay, for example, with an assclown or Mr Unavailable? When you strip out the can’t, couldn’t, should, shouldn’t, won’t and other negativity impeding your belief of what you’re capable of doing, what can you do for yourself today, tomorrow, the day after that and beyond? It’s very easy to think and talk about what you can’t do, but it’s time to do the harder work of thinking and talking about what you can do. Everything else is excuses that sell you short.
Your thoughts?
If you’d like some help with working out your beliefs, check out my free workbook, Get Out of Stuck. Also check out my ebooks Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and others at my bookshop.
Add to favorites
“It suited me to think they’d leave”
That sentiment is still lurking around in the shadows of my thoughts. It sneaks up on me, oftentimes not even realizing it’s still there. 😐
As usual, thanks for more food for thought. There’s always room for improvement & progress.
I swear I could have wrote every word you did! From your mother, to your engagement, to your “it suited me” comments. I had read a book years ago titled Boundaries, it was a really good read and started me on setting boundaries in my life. I had to disconnect from my mother for a short time because of her hurtful words and crossing my boundaries many times. Sadly, I didn’t take that reading into my last relationship. My boundaries were crossed WAY to many times!
Self love is the only way to go. If you don’t love yourself, who will? If you don’t respect yourself, who will? If you allow someone to cross your boundaries, who are you going to blame-him? Only you can take care of you. In the end, only we can take responsibility for our own happiness. If someone has made us unhappy and we stayed in the relationship, ultimately we can only blame ourselves in the end. Once we understand and except that, then we can start to look at ourselves and realize what we need to fix in order to eventually move on to a happy, healthy relationship.
my thoughts. brilliant post as always. thanks. your writing gives me sooo much clarity. wow. thanks goodness i found you. youre the voice i for some reason, despite my great upbringing and massive amounts of family love, seem to have buried deep within. good chance a really bad few relationships muted it to but i love the reminder that we have soooo many options and your last post about “why be interested in him if he’s not as interested in you” plus this make a huge heart-warming home-run for my heart. love your work, girl. you rock big time x CB
my thoughts. brilliant post as always. thanks. your writing gives me sooo much clarity. wow. thank goodness i found you. youre the voice i for some reason, despite my great upbringing and massive amounts of family love, seem to have buried deep within. good chance a really bad few relationships muted it too but i love the reminder that we have soooo many options and your last post about “why be interested in him if he’s not as interested in you” plus this one make a huge heart-warming home-run for my heart. love your work, girl. you rock big time x CB
….“You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”. NML we must have the same mom as my mom has said the same to me many times too. She also likes saying “You can’t see the forest for the trees” and my all time favorite “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink”.
It took me quite awhile to figure out what she was really trying to tell me but I finally got it. 1. Options…there is always another option, it might not be the option I want but there is always another one. 2. Trees…don’t miss out on something good or stall getting rid of something bad because you were spending your time obessing. 3. Water….when it comes to men you can only get them to go so far, the rest is up to them so don’t be surprised if they don’t.
My mom is the best and she has always lifted me up, held my hand, dried my tears, told me I was the best and always encouraged me and my sisters in anything we want to do. I should listen to her more often.
My Goodness!
This is me living my life until this past summer where my life came to emotional rock- bottom, a blessing in disguise really.
I always thought I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, witty enough, attractive enough etc. I seriously thought I was never at the level I should be and therefore I didn’t deserve a proper life!!! It’s crazy until recently I discovered I am just right! I’m me and I accept myself and Love myself, there’s always room for improvement but I now know I deserve better!!!!! Took so long to see it but grateful to finally love myself 🙂
Are you talking to me, Nat ? 🙂
Because it sure sounds like it was 100% directed to encourage me to stop selling myself short and thinking there are only icky men out there.
I’m talking to you as well as the various women I met last week or heard from 🙂
Hello, Natalie.
I just stumbled upon your blog a couple of weeks ago and I must say that it’s one of the most insightful blogs I’ve come across in the dating and relationship niche.
What you said in this particular post is just so true. When we sell ourselves short and believe we don’t deserve to be with decent guys, we only end up hurting ourselves in the end.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
I sold myself short and down the river. Now, I am working at healing from the degrading experience of a four year relationship with an assclown and have good days and bad days. Lately, my healing has slowed to a crawl. I still have some lingering feelings of anger towards him, but now feel so angry at myself for selling myself out. Lately, I’ve been thinking about him more, talking about him and analyzing and remembering things he did. It has been 5 months and I feel like I am going backwards all of a sudden and can’t seem to get ahold of it. Recently someone told me that it takes 23 days to break a habit. I started thinking that my thinking about him has replaced the habit of being with him and remember Natalie saying that this is a way of staying connected, not really letting go. So, In attempt to get back in control of this and get over this hump, after submitting this post, I am not going to talk bout him or bring him up, even if I am thinking about him. I am going to break the habit of talking about him, even here on this blog. I can talk about me, but no more rehashing anything about him. Maybe when I break that habit of talking about him, the thinking about him will stop. Do any of you have any tricks to interrupt and stop when you catch yourself thinking about them?
jennynic…When I find myself thinking of him I give myself 2 minutes to do that. I find a clock and let my mind wander all over the place but I’ve come to realize that I’m so preoccupied at watching the clock count down the minutes that there aren’t too many thoughts of him and I go about my business. I’ve also noticed that the longer I maintain NC and we’re talking a year the thoughts of him are less and less. I went to be one night a month or so ago and realized I hadn’t thought of him all day.
This was my horoscope from yesterday “Internal dialogue provides you a different point of logic. Harmony is the goal and assertive energy is required to achieve it. Imagine freedom”.
I think once the heart calms down the mind starts to rest.
Counselling helped me. Talking about it to a dispassionate person made me realise how fruitless the whole thing was. Also, knowing that I had an hour a week to talk about him freed my mind in between. I would say to myself “I don’t need to think about it right now, I’ll save it for the counsellor”.
It may not be for you, but anti-depressants helped as the anxiety and obsessiveness was driving me mad. I even thought about him when I was in dance class, yoga and on the treadmill. I cried in my sleep. The sound of it would wake me up.
Previous to the EUM I had been in a physically abusive relationship with an AC for two years. If I can get over it, so can you. Promise.
“When I believed the world was full of assclowns and Mr Unavailables, it was all I was interested in and dated. When I believed that there were a lot of assclowns and Mr Unavailables but that there were plenty of healthy people too, lo and behold, I saw them, met them, and was interested, with the key difference being that I actually believed that I was worthy of being with a decent guy. I don’t mean pretend believe while privately sabotaging it with other beliefs but actually genuinely believing it was possible.”
It is not that I don’t believe that I don’t deserve better it is that I am unsure if I will cross paths with a real, authentic nice guy in my life time. I have only met, dated, slept with guys that turned out to be of the AC and Eum nature. I thought in the beginnning my last guy was really nice. The sad part is he is the nicest of all the guys I have met and dated. I thought that I was on the path of discovering a great guy. I knew something was off but I couldn’t figure it out completely until now after discovering Nat’s blog.
Its hard to give up on a guy that is providing your entertainment, company, sex, friendship, connection, and whatever else he seem to provide.
I knew it was time to give up because I was only going to continue to feel alone and miserable and never allow myself to find real love. I knew I was going to have go through feeling truly alone and go through a tremendous grieving process. I am still waiting for the real results of going through all of this besides peace. I need more than peace in my life.
A very powerful post, Natalie and very honest. I was awake at 3 am this morning, dealing with the homework assignment given as part of my work related mediation with the former AC. The purpose of it all is to get us to identify what we are really angry or upset about. In going through the process, I have come to realize how much I orchestrated my pain, how cheap I sold myself and how, even now, months later, I was letting my fear rule my life. I thought I had made great progress (and in many ways I have) coming to see the relationship clearly and seeing him for the controling, mentally abusive person he was, rather than the great guy I wanted him to be. But I was still seeing myself as a victim, someone who needed to protect herself from his wrathe and rage and who had continued to give her power over to someone who not only didn’t care for me but had repeatedly shown a lack of care that was toxic. I woke up this morning and finally got what you have been saying about giving away my power. My self esteem and self love were strong enough that I no longer saw him as this powerful thing I had to be protected from. If he is abusive, I can and will leave. If he is disrespectful, I will not engage. That simple. He can only do his toxic dance if I allow it and I simply won’t. I don’t need others or a restraining order or the company to protect me. My boundaries are in place – I trust myself. He can no longer rewrite history – my version of what happened is as valid and accurate as his. I have truly taken my power back and will not tolerate abuse any longer. I no longer feel like a helpless vicitm in all this – I signed up for it and I allowed it but will not tolerate it another second. I also trust and love myself enough to know that I can stop it at any time – just walk away. Just stop engaging.
I am still working through why I ever would have sold myself so short. I would have loudly and proudly told you, not six months ago, that under no circumstances would I allow myself to be abused and couldn’t understand women who didn’t just walk away. I am now ashamed to say that I had thought of it only in terms of physical abuse. It took me a long time to recognize this relationship as abusive because it felt so familiar, it felt like what “love” looked like in my family home. That is no excuse and I have finally learned better. I am getting so much better at recognizing healthy people – those who empathize, care and are true friends. As a result, the assclowns and the emotionally unavailable look like exactly what they are – limited, and incapable of a mature, reciprocal love.
I will never be able to thank you for all you have taught and shared and helped me in coming to this realization.
@debra
“my version of what happened is as valid and accurate as his. ”
Amen. My ex is a card-carrying, certified narcissist and the end of our relationship was an exercise in his repeatedly browbeating me into accepting “his version of what happened”, which it goes without saying was no where near mine. He denied the relationship, denied hurting me (wouldn’t I be the one who would know that?), refused to accept any responsibility and spent more time trying to “prove” he did nothing wrong than anything else. His friends and family refer to him as the “teflon” man because nothing sticks …its never his fault and despite my pain, he never showed one speck of empathy or compassion or even understanding. I wish I had been able to express it so well – “my version of what happened was as valid and accurate as his”. Its not about blame. Each side was right and each was wrong and everyone is entitled to their interpretation. It was having his version shoved down my throat as the only, “real” version of events that hurt so much, and had me thinking I had gone crazy. It was more than hitting the reset button Natalie talks about. It was about control and avoiding responsibility. LIke this post says, we each had a hand in creating the relationship and keeping it going. I was 50% of the problem but I was only 50% of the problem. In his version, I was 110% at fault. And my crime appears to have been caring about him when he didn’t want to care about me.
“My version is a valid and accurate as his”. Amen.
I feel I really have no options. My experience in the past has been years alone (eventhough I am attractive) or lame relationships with ACs. Now I am unemployed – though intelligent and well qualified – I am struggling financially and the AC has come to seem like a life-raft.
My reproductive years are coming to an end and it’s unlikely I’ll have those longed-for children afterall. So is he better than nothing given the circumstances? He’s wealthy but stingy, so it’s more having someone to talk to than help paying the bills. I overheard him yesterday say that his ex-wife would have “ended up living in a one-bedroom rented apartment” if it weren’t for him. That’s my living situation exactly, so I’m guessing he’s sees me as a loser.
Fi
There’s always single (gasp!). For a few years I rented a room from a retired female teacher. She was unmarried and had a wonderful life – lots of hobbies, holidays, beautiful house, beautiful garden. I saw her life and it was certainly much better than being in an unhappy relationship.
If I am single for the rest of my life I would be happy. Yes, I would lose out on having that companionship but I do love having my freedom – to get up when I want, sleep when I want, read in bed until 2am, eat what I like. I go to the gym, play football, see my nieces, have a job I like. I wonder how I would find the time for a man (though I’m sure I would if I met the right guy!).
Your happiness CANNOT come from a man, it just doesn’t work that way.
It’s very sad to lose out on children if that’s what you want. But that’s a wake up call to get out of AC city, not an excuse to stay around wasting even more time.
Although I’m a fan of singledom Fi, I truly believe that if you ditched the loser and worked on yourself you WOULD meet the right guy. I can guarantee that you won’t meet him while your life is cluttered up with ACs or EUMS or toxic exes. What decent guy would get invovled with a woman already in a relationship, and a screwy one at that? How would you spot a decent guy when every day an AC is destroying your self-esteem?
My favourite aunt never married and she had a great life: travelled widely, had amazing lovers, had her own pathology lab, retired and started a yoga school AND and english language class. Plus she looks better than all her siblings (my dad included) who are all younger than her! She has never lamented the fact that she didn’t settle down and have a family – and why would she?!
Fi–
1. You want kids, and not enough time?
Have them. (Find a donor, but not this guy!) You never regret what you do–it’s what you DON’T do and wanted that you regret.
2. There are MANY professional people, with expensive/time-consuming/elitist educations on top of it, who are out of jobs. There are men working in men’s depts of clothing stores who have MBAs, PhDs, etc.
What this guy told you (with his passive-aggressive implications and all) shows how much of an asshole, and an insecure one at that, that he is! HE is afreaid of losing YOU. HE wants YOU on the hook, feeling that you “need” him.
Rent a one-bedroom. Take the best job you an find. If you have to, go live with family for while.
You do only have so much time to have a kid. A job can wait. BTW. KEEP IT ALL IN FOCUS!
Stay away from this jerk. He has already started to drag you down! Sounds liek he wants to own you, if you ask me!
This is a very good post as they all are. We all limit ourselves in different ways, not just relationships. The low self esteem keeps us locked in self-limiting behavior. I know it has been a issue for me. I can do it in other areas of my life, why is this area lacking so? I like these two sayings,
“Weather You Believe You Can Do A Particular Task,
Or Weather You Believe You Can’t,
You Are Absolutely Right Either Way You Think”
~Henry Ford~
“There Is Nothing Either Good Or Bad, Hard Or Easy, It’s How We Choose To Think That Makes It So”
~William Shakespeare~
I didn’t want to, I was afraid to try, and thought I couldn’t, kept me locked in first gear. When I began to step outside the box things became clearer and better. I saw other options available and I was doing something different! Celebrate your uniqueness!
Debra, hooray for you! That is exactly as it should be! I love the part where you said, “– my version of what happened is as valid and accurate as his. I have truly taken my power back and will not tolerate abuse any longer”. Reality is ones own perception I think. Congratulations on regaining your power, a step in responsibility!
It’s hard to break away from abusive relationships. To do that we have to be a 100% responsible to and for ourselves. So I have to ask myself who’s doing the abusing here, me or them? Just a thought…
Hopeful
That’s taking our personal responsibility too far. I refuse to believe that because I was pushed down the stairs I am in some way an abuser. It’s unfashionable but some of us are victims, pure and simple. Refusing to believe it doesn’t make us any less off a victim. Blaming the victim in any way is not helpful to their already battered self esteem.
You can’t underestimate the absolutely devasting and cruel things that people will do, especially to their own children, thereby setting them up for a lifetime of negative relationship experiences.
We’re the lucky ones who have seen the light, not of all of us will get there.
I am not responsible for what my parents did and how they raised me – but I am responsible for myself as an adult. I refuse to take on the responsibility for being abused, but I will take repsonsibility for staying and abusing in retaliation.
Five Things Relationships Are Good For
1. Learning
2. Growth
3. Understanding yourself better
4. Working out unresolved issues from your past
5. Becoming more of what you are capable of being
Five Things You Should Not Expect to Get From Your Relationships (Unless You Already Supply All of Them For Yourself)
1. Happiness
2. Fulfillment
3. Satisfaction
4. Security
5. Happy-Ever-After
Hey Natalie,
So Sorry I missed you in NYC…I hope you’ll have a workshop out here soon. I’ll be the first one to sign up!!!
Wonderful post, again, and so timely for me. I just discovered this in the last year how me not believing I was enough led me to date men who also believed I was not enough. I remember a few years back I dated a guy who through a mutaul friend considered me a “middle bitch”. I wasn’t a top bitch (those are the women you marry and bring home to mama) and I wasn’t a bottom bitch (those women you just f**k and leave) I was just ok, alright, not too bad, not too shabby, but not the greatest. I was hurt when I found out he said these things about me becaue I was stuck on the whole “we share common interets and so we MUST be compatable” etc. nonsense. But after him and several other guys who thought I was just ok but not someone with whom they could commit. I realized that it was ME. I BELIEVED that I was just ok, just average and that I didn’t have anything of substance to give a guy. They were just reflecting back to me what I deeply believed about myself. It was a startling revelation. Becasue I really BELIEVED that I wasn’t enough, that I was just ok, that I wasn’t pretty enough, I didn’t have legs up to my neck, I was too dark, my hips were too round, I didn’t speak another language, I wasn’t all that smart, I couldn’t use chop sticks, etc…I found a million reasons to justify my belief that a normal, healthy, decent man with good relationship habits would not want me because he too would find out all my “deficiences” and not want me. So I unconsciously put myself with men who were wholly inappropriate, who I knew could not and would not commit to me, who treated me as if i was just “ok.”
When I finally realized this was my deep rooted belief about myself (with the help of therapy, your blog, prayer and a lot of introspection) it was an incredible revelation and I decided to change that belief. I engaged in daily affirmations where I told myself that I was enough just the way I am. I challenged myself to find out what really made me unique? What were my good points and bad points. Who was I, really? It was a lot of work and I’m still working on me, but I can tell you all this. I truly value who I am. Yes, I am just an average woman, no Beyonce or Halle here, but I am beautiful, I am good, I am worthy, I am loyal, I am dedicated, I truly care about people and their feelings, I am honest, I am creative, I am curvy, I can cook, I can change a baby’s diaper and hush them to sleep, I can hold down a 9 to 5, I can pay my bills, I can be true friend, I have boundaries that I respect and demand that others do as well, I am charming and I AM ENOUGH, just the way I am!!!
At 37 years of age I can finally say that and reallly mean it. So now, no more selling myself short. I now BELIEVE that I should live WELL and that includes having someone in my life who will treat me with kindness, love, respect, care and consideration, someone who will put in the necessary time and energy to build something real and lasting and if he doesn’t want that then he can leave. I am enough for me with or without a man and THAT is a wonderful feeling.
Bravo!!!!!
Greetings from Oregon, U.S.A.~ this is just what I needed to hear! I forgot what a super fox I am and allowed one AC to define who I am. No more! I decide who is worthy. I decide what I will accept or not. I decide. I have options!
BRILLIANT!!!!!!
“what can you do for yourself today, tomorrow, the day after that and beyond?”
WOW I am ready for the best part of my life 😀
Nat, it’s so weird, I’ve lately come to realize these things by myself – and the next thing I know, you’re writing about them! It’s exactly like this. But I AM unlovable, I’m a horrible person, I’ve been the unavailable girl, the assclown (but I learnt from the best 😉 thanks guys!). But lately I’ve accepted some facts, gotten over the past guys who were bad for me and who I was bad for.
Lately I’ve dreamt (like, 3 times a week) about perfect strangers who actually liked me, instead of the ghosts of relationships past. They might be just in my imagination, but I’m curious to find out if they really exist somewhere. I know I can change. This should be interesting, I must try it.
Hi Natalie………..
Just for the record I am a Guy. I have been reading your articles for some time. But today I want to comment.
But first a little about Myself. I am a Professional Dynamic Life Development Consultant. And if Your wondering what that is. It is the bringing together of Counselling, Life coaching and Sexuality to work with the Whole Human Being! It is a method of working with both Men and Women I have pioneered.
Reading Your words took Me back many years to a period of My Life after the ending of My second relationship. Where I sat down and started to ask Myself some very deep questions.
Simply put………….”How the hell did I end up in this mess?” I was very aware I was missing a lot of the pieces of the puzzle. Especially about women. So I made it My mission to find out everything I could about women. Women’s biology, Psychology, Femininity and sexuality. I soon found out fast how badly equipped I had been as a Man. Not only about women. But My own Masculinity!
Basically the “rule book” sucked for both men and women. Because your words are equally true for Men.
I focus a lot of what I do towards Men. Because in this change that is happening between Men and Women. A lot of Men are “lost” the rule book they have been given is in so many ways “harmful” and doesn’t serve them well.
Especially in relation to women and their own Masculinity. However I can equally say this for women. How many women really know their own Feminine Essence? And really know about Men and Masculinity?
Smiles…………I enjoyed reading your article Natalie.You hit many revelations squarely on the mark. Your words took Me back many years. To when I started asking deep serious questions of Myself and Life. And when the “light bulbs” started going on! It has been a wonderful journey since then. Full of challenges and revelations………..And in the process meeting and getting to know some Truly Amazing Men and Women on a similar path
Amour
A F
PS I have a request Natalie. I publish each month on line THE MASCULINE HEART E Zine.to My subscribers list and web site. I would like to ask permission to re-produce some of Your articles. You will get full credits and links to Your site. And if You want to check out the E Zine for Yourself. This is the link to The E Zine’s home site……
Look forward to hearing from You
Thank you NML!!!
I get this perception from family and friends that being alone is not okay. I can’t even tell you how many parties I have gone to where I am asked time after time “why” i am not married yet and “why” I don’t have kids. WELL, maybe because I haven’t found anyone that I wanted to share my DNA or my life with but I grow tired of explaining! It’s feels implied that there is something wrong with me since I am not attached to somone, or either divorced with kids. I get the impression from others they find it odd that I am not “married off” yet, although I am certainly very happy not being married, and very happy not to be divorced either! (as I my many friends have.) But these questions are SO rude, as if I need to explain this at a PARTY. My mom explains this away by saying “well, you are so pretty and have so much to offter, they just wonder why you haven’t been “scooped up” yet.” Okkkkaaayyy.
I know I sell myself short. I know I have low self esteem. This last fiasco with my ex AC has provided opprotunity to understand myself better. I realize that I have become so wrapped up in my (hurt) feelings about his lying I have put my “normal” life on hold…ya know, the life I was living happily before I met him? Nothing has felt the same in my life after the end of that disaster. My situation with this liar threw everything off center in my world. I have always been open and trusting, now I feel closed off and suspicious.
I am learning to live my life as it is right now. In this moment. We are born into this world – alone, and we die, alone. If you are lucky to find someone that will truely love you, while you can truely love you, and you can share a life together – great! But I get this impression that as women we SHOULD be attached via marriage and babies or something is WRONG with us. *No, there is nothing wrong with me.*
I know I will recover for the lying married AC. I don’t have to take all that happened and make it about how I wasn’t worthy of honesty, or always look at the worse case scenario. I didn’t deserve what happened, but I also can’t change it. I don’t have to be a victim of it, I can own my part in how it all went down, and I am very angry at him for his lying but at some point I have to let it all go and move on, break those ties.
I need a long break from relationships. I want to dissengage from this AWFUL FALLOUT from this false-relationship. None of it was real in the sense that I didn’t know any truth about him until after the fact. I see how my mind and heart still want to stay attached to this negatitivy and it serves me NO purpose what so ever. I am going to take a break from dating for a long while. I feel I have been so wrapped up in finding the truth, feeling the sting of it, and moving forward has been a long process and consuming me. I feel like his dissapearing act/ the fall out robbed me of my joy, and I want to get back in touch with that again.
NML also wrote that she was dealing with health issues that were quite severe in nature, but rather than taking care of herself and putting her energy into caring for herself she was wrapped up in relationship issues. This is so true for many of us, myself included. I want to take a break and get back to the basics of my life and living simply and making my own happiness – on my own, free of AC baggage.
I am really thankful each day to read this blog and appreciate NML’s post so much!!
@Jublilee
Thank you. I am tired of the questions too. Even my AC wondered why I was not married or had kids – like I was a pariah. And I am also tired of people assuming that just because we (men and women) have never married or had children that we are EU.
I could have been married 3 times, but I chose not to. I also believe I would be divorced 3 times – now how would that look on my resume?
I also wanted my children to have a father – one who worked, didn’t cheat, etc. I thought I was being responsible not bringing children into this world and a troubled life with the guys I could have married, but ended up not being marriage material or we could not get along.
I don’t sit here and think there is something wrong with me because “I was never married, didn’t heve children”. I made a choice!! A CHOICE – I am not a victim here.
“I want to take a break and get back to the basics of my life and living simply and making my own happiness – on my own, free of AC baggage.”
I am with you sister!!! I want me back – the girl who was happy even single, loving life, family, friends, traveling, creating, working out. I have no desire to go out and dump my “fallout” on any unsuspecting men and repeat the same old crap. I do I hope I find a partner, but my life is still fulfilling w/o one!
@Aimee
I have been proposed to twice and turned them both down. I had a gut feeling that things were going too fast and the ring seemed a bigger deal than the commitment… And both of those men ended up marrying the very next girls they dated after our relationhship ended. I think they just wanted to get married for the sake of it rather than finding their”soul mate”. One divorced within the same year, the other divorved within 4 years. Glad that wasn’t me! I watched my Mom marry 3 times, and her 3rd marriage actually finally worked for her. As a young child processing divorce it imprinted something on me, I never wanted to run out and jump on to the marriage train. All those sappy romance books and movies in which the woman is saved by the man loving her and marrying her…blah. I did want to fall in love, love someone, still do. No one ever told me how important it is to love and accept yourself first before you enter into a relationship. I don’t regret saying no to those two men, history has shown that I didn’t make the wrong choice. I just don’t like having to explain myself to people as if it’s a problem to be a single woman. I see I am not alone in that feeling!
Natalie, this is one of the best articles I’ve ever read! 😉
What I struggle most with is that, although I tend to not sell myself short, I get lots of people telling me off for being picky. I was reading the paragraph when you said that you acted as if you were obligated to be with a guy only because he was interested in you. If only you knew how many times I’ve been through that, and how many people around me were disappointed that I didn’t want a relationship with those guys! “Oh, but he likes you!!!!!” Like he was the only guy who would like me, or something! Because, fair enough, they might have been decent men, but they always gave me the feeling of being incomplete, or of having settled for less, from one point of view or another. Hence, I always found myself looking for other guys, assessing my other options. When someone is right for you, you don’t do that! And that’s a red flag!
Natalie,
Let me first say that I have been following your blog for quite sometime now. You have come such a long way from only a few posts to now more than 2,500 followers, seminars and visiting other countries etc. It is so exciting to see you and your blog become so well known! I am convinced that you will one day be as big as Oprah! LOL
Now my question: Can you also post something related to selling yourself short if the guy is really a “GREAT GUY”? Because having been someone who was repeatedly with AC’s, now I find myself going for nice guys and healthier relationships (thank god) but I feel sometimes as though I am saying to myself “This is a really great man, with wonderful qualities, you shouldnt let this one go because most men out there are jerks and so as soon as you find one….. make sure you hold on to him!!” If and when we feel we are “healthier” and make better choices, the fear then becomes, but will I now settle for any “GOOD MAN” that comes along for fear of picking another AC? What is the balance between not selling yourself short and holding out for the “best” and appreciating and holding onto someone who is “good” for you? Not saying that nice means “no more chemistry”. I like the “great guy” that I am with but perhaps don’t feel that “chemistry” and could possibly live without it (settle) for the sake of all his other good qualities and feeling loved, respected and secure which is so hard to come by nowadays. Can you post your thoughts about this? As women who were used to being in bad relationships, and chasing that high, what is the happy medium in healthy relationships? Does the high change or should there be no more high? How will we know the difference between “settling” or the shift we go through when we start to get involved in healthier relationships. When what we thought love was and was supposed to feel like is now replaced with something completely new (and perhaps foreign to us such as the nice guy). Does deeper/healthier love mean having to give up on some things for more important qualities?
Sorry for all the questions! Would appreciate anyone’s thoughts.
Dear KF,
I’m also interested in this topic that you suggest, because I always ask myself whether you have to give up one thing in favour of the other (chemistry vs. moral qualities). But personally, I believe that it is very possible to feel strong attraction and “chemistry” with a nice guy as well. It’s rare, but it’s possible. The catch is that he has to be a nice guy with a backbone. 😉 I have two examples of the kind. Well, the stories are over, but for different reasons, having nothing to do with them treating me bad or lack of chemistry. The first case was an issue of long-distance relationship (I was about to leave the country for at least a few years), and the second one…I guess I wasn’t ready for certain things. There was a 16 years’ gap between him and I, I was only 19 when we met, he was divorced and had 2 primary school kids. But, to this day (9 years after), I still believe he was a wonderful person. But I backed off with all sort of doubts: will his kids accept me, will the age gap become more of an issue in the long run, etc. The point I want to make is that I was also strongly attracted to these guys, not just appreciating them as good people. So, my advice would be that there has to be chemistry as well! We’re not looking for a brother or a housemate! 😉
Thank you Sandra81. That makes sense and glad to know there are others who feel this way. I will have to see what happens. It is a conflict for me as I do care about this person and wouldn’t want to lose them. But I also feel that chemistry and other things take equal precedence. I dont want to have to choose one over the other. I will have to try and figure this out without driving him or myself nuts!
Thanks again!
You’re welcome! On the other “side of the fence”, I have another example. Earlier this year, I met a guy at a dinner party organized by a mutual friend. We sat next to each other at the table, we had great conversation, but no “other kind of spark”. At the same time, I felt he was becoming too into me, too soon. As in: “Are you on Facebook? After I get home, the FIRST THING I’m gonna do is add you!” And so he did! He was writing every day, he had an obvious interest in me, sometimes he was making some romantic “innuendos”, but I was always changing the subject. Eventually, I had to tell him (politely) that I wasn’t interested, as I was going through a bit of a drama with another guy, and I didn’t feel very romantic at that specific time in my life., and I didn’t want him to get his hopes up and be disappointed. After a couple of days, he cancelled me from his friends list. Conclusion: I’m sure he would’ve been a nice guy, and that he wouldn’t have caused me trouble, and that he would’ve gone out of his way to please me all the time. But, that would’ve been it. Would that have been enough? Sometimes, I wonder: have I done the right thing by turning him down, or should I have given him a chance?
Sandra,
He sounds like a big baby, with a very fragile ego.
Good riddance!!!!
Sandra 81, he would NOT have been a “nice guy”. A worthwhile man will ask you out on a date or a least for a drink. He won’t just be sending you silly messages on facebook. The messaging every day is typical blowing hot, yet without any commitment of real time and effort.
Stay away from men who try to progress/maintain a relationship by text, facebook, msging, email etc. NML has posted on this topic and I agree with her.
Grace and Aimee, first of all WHOA, I think you both misundersttod what I was thinking and said. I was in no way suggesting that anyone of us is responsible for another persons abuse. No one should abuse no more than anyone should suffer abuse. As I said it was just a thought, that maybe I needed to be responsible and take myself out of it. By staying in it maybe I was also inflicting myself with abuse. I am sorry if I offended or seemed to suggest we are responsible for someones abuse, quite the contrary. I surely will refrain from making any future comments to avoid any backlashing. I am only trying to work through this just as we all are.
Hopeful
I’m sorry. I am quite sensitive about this issue (as you can see) and misunderstood you.
And yes, we are all trying to work through this. I think we’re doing really well!
…understood, you’re forgiven. After all it is a sensitive and no words can describe the devastation it leaves in all aspects of our lives. We are victorious tho’ because we’re syill standing and able to make our voices heard. Celebrate you! Thanks for the apology : )
@ Hopeful
I actually never got that impression from you and your post. No worries mate. If I was defensive in my post I think it has to do with what “some” people say in the outer world and some of the messages that I gave my self while growing up in an abusive home and then having an abusive BF. For so many years I thought I was powerful enough for “them” to treat me that way, that I did something wrong to deserve it, etc. Even my exAC said to me “you just love to make me angry”. On occassion I go back to the space of it “was all my fault”, like I am powerful enough to change them – haha. It’s hard enough to try and change myself!! I just have to be careful, REAL careful about crawing the lines as to where their responsibility lies vs. my own.
Thank you so much for writing this post.. you have no idea how much I needed to read something like this today.. I am in a relationship with Mr.Unavailable right now and I need all the strength I can get to do the right thing..
Aimee, thanks for your comment. I just don’t want to step on toes. My AC made a similar comment to your ex AC. I said, “I don’t like being used”. He said, “Apparently you do”. Just more of his I am not to be blamed attitude and it’s all your fault. That was my cue to finally stop letting him use and abuse me! I guess that’s where I asked myself who’s doing the abusing here. I had to take responsibilty there and remove myself and him. I had in no way invited him to do so, but I was standing there allowing it. An enabler I guess you’d say. I just soo wanted him to love me as all of us have. Thanks for sharing : )
@ Hopeful
Totally agree and understand. We have to own our part in order to heal and let go, I allowed it to continue. That’s why I am gone. You did not offend me in any way, we do have to be careful how we word things here as everyone is in a different place of healing – and when I was in denial I didn’t want to hear comments to pierce my denial – then I would have to leave!! Imagine that. We are all just trying to get thru, understand, heal and grow!! Hugs!
What Natalie says is ALWAYs amazing to me because she talks about the SAME EXACT feelings I have experienced and some similar (though not all) situations. It’s as if she was a fly on the wall observing the part of my life that deals with men and she’s writing about me. What struck me about this article is when she said that “I craved love, intensely sought out validation, and privately lived with a black cloud over my head while I outwardly smiled at everyone.” I ALWAYS feel as though I’m walking under a cloud and that my life is just shades of grey. Everything is just ho-hum or lower than ho-hum. Rarely do I feel happy.
The other thing she said was that “I also cannot tell you how many times that I have willed myself to start becoming interested in someone because they showed interest in me, as if I had to reciprocate.” I have WILLED myself to be attracted to someone that I was not really attracted to; however, not because I felt I had to reciprocate, but because the guy was there, I would have someone in my life and that alone would make me feel good, because I wouldn’t be lonely, because I could get off the fricking merry-go-round of guy here for 4 to 5 months then guy gone. It felt nice to feel wanted.
I’ve pretty much decided that I don’t want to be with anyone because I’m afraid to give my heart again, and also, frankly, because so many of the men in my age group (I’m 52) are disgusting looking, with big guts that look like a pregnant elephant that’s 10 months overdue, and most especially with disgusting facial hair (what’s up with all that fuzz? I don’t want to be kissing hair – it’s smelly from food, breath, and it’s just downright gross! Yuck!), they’re bald or balding (just shave for crying out loud! It looks better). As if that weren’t enough, the 6 I’ve been with in the past 4 years were all impotent except for one 1 of them. And on top of THAT they want to be F’ing around, even though they can’t do it! They act as if they’re in an Animal House fraternity chasing after the co-ed girls. Those bastar*s have harpooned my heart so much that I’m dead inside. I just can’t feel anything for them other than resentment. Then there are the ones that just flirt, say complimentary things to you about you, appear as though they are going to ask you out, but never do. The ones I am attracted to just look, but don’t take the opportunities that they have to ask me out, and the ones that approach me I find disgusting. I blame the proliferation of web sites for them to find broads who are all too willing to spread the legs on an initial meeting or a first, second or third date. The men have come to expect that we are all going to do that. In addition, it’s all become a “next” mentality. Next with the flick of the mouse. Next with the flick of the dialing pad on the phone. keyboard on the phone, These guys can’t focus on any one thing. You can see their eyes darting all over the place and a hyperactive look on their face and in their bodies. They don’t settle their attention on the one lady that they’re with. It’s awful, horrible and disheartening. So, as I said, I decided to just stay by myself, as much as I hate it and as sad as I am about it and as much as I cry about it and want a loving, kind and monogamous partner that I’m attracted to.
My profile is on several sites, just for me to have some human interaction over email with the males of the species, to get some validation that I exist and someone knows that I’m alive, to get a little ego boost from someone saying that I’m attractive (which, if I say so myself, I still look pretty darned good for a 52-year-old woman), to occasionally respond to those who have a profile that is insulting and hostile towards women, and to set them straight.
And with that said, I’m off to sleep. I’m exhausted. I’m depressed. I’m angry. I’m resentlful. That’s how I feel about males. Notice I said males. There’s a HUGE difference between a real man and a male. There are many males out there, but there are very FEW men.
@ Allison: Yes, he had a very fragile ego. He used to make self-depreciative jokes (I don’t know if the word is correct, I’m not a native English speaker!!! :-D) Like: once I mentioned a six-figure number (don’t remember the context), and he replied: “That looks like the number of girls who turned me down!” And so on…
@Grace: The thing is, he was hardly a “Casanova” who would toy with women’s feelings or blow hot and cold (see above). And he would have been very willing to fix face-to-face meetings, but I was never around, or always busy, postponing, etc.(of course, due to my lack of interest). But, about him not being a nice guy, I was more afraid of his insecurity making him become excessively jealous or possessive. And as far as the means of communication are concerned, you know, I don’t care too much about that, as I discovered that every single person has his/her own communicating style, saying nothing about their personality. I can’t classify people according to their communication technique, but I DO prefer face to face meetings. Otherwise, phone call, texts, chat, FB…I don’t think it matters too much! 😉
Anne
I’m 45 and know exactly where you are coming from. If I do see a man in my age range who is even just moderately attractive he is married.
Your online disasters aren’t confined to any particular age group though. There are lots of dodgy men online of all ages.
I don’t know what to suggest, just commiserating with you.
Anne, Like Grace, I commiserate too and I know exactly where you’re coming from. I haven’t tried dating yet since I went NC with my long-term EU, and I am not sure I’m going to bother for all the reasons you say – Im not keen to go on-line dating, but I did – for the first time ever – go on a well known relationship site about six months ago in a pathetic attempt to see “what else was out there” as I knew my EUM thing was wasting my time – I thought perhaps the best way to forget one man is in the arms of another, so I gave it a shot, albeit a less than half-hearted one… I got bored within a few weeks and stopped logging on, but I did have two dates with one guy that I had chatted with for a week or two previous to meeting him… I decided he was just looking for a shag, though he didn’t say so openly – but it was obvious he was not expecting to have to keep his penis in his pants for more than two dates!! I mean… who the hell do they think they are… god’s f’n gift or something? He was far from it!! So I settled for the EUM a while longer and actually felt a little relieved to be back in the comfort zone!!!.. Anyway, sorry, I am way of topic… but Anne – I soooo know just what you are saying… I think we need to be very selective in getting to the right kind of places to meet the right kind of man… but I’m with you on the old adage that once you get to a certain age all the decent guys are taken, cos they are not EU or A/C and they want to be in rlationships, so they already are in them!
@ TINA
I could have written the same thing….My ex had me believing I was crazy also.
I am 31 years old and can relate to Anne. I have decided
I’m better off alone than with bad company. And many men my age are
the same, if attractive they tend to have a lady, otherwise they
tend to be obnoxious or EUMs. I’m dedicating myself to my career
and marathon running, I give up for now. No online dating, no dates
through friends. I have no energy to be going on multiple dates,
I’m exhausted, I’m staying alone for now by choice. I’ve been in a
long term relationship but feel so empty inside, like I might be
single forever. Sorry to rant, I’m just so tired of
trying.