I did repeat “got to do with it” on purpose in the title as I was singing a bit of Tina Turner….It’s day 15 in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, and today I think it’s time I tackle the tricky subject of ‘unconditional love’, that thing that many women just love doling out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, or should I say assclowns…
“I love him unconditionally – that’s what relationships are all about, isn’t it?” a reader said to me recently.
“But you don’t have a relationship and HE doesn’t love you unconditionally, and you don’t love you unconditionally!” I replied.
Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but most of you have no clue what unconditional love is all about. It’s all tied up in dodgy relationship beliefs, soulmate declarations, the fairy tale, and a lack of accountability.
The people who tend to have to use the words “unconditional love” most frequently tend to be the ones who need to stop giving it out willy nilly…
I can hear some of you already saying “Say what?????”
I hate to be hard, but someone has to do it, but with the type of issues that you have with relationships, you need to step back and get a grip on this unconditional love mallarky.
Harold W Becker, author of The Love Foundation describes it as, “Simply stated, unconditional love is an unlimited way of being. We are without any limit to our thoughts and feelings in life and can create any reality we choose to focus our attention upon. The qualities of love are endless and the expressions are infinite. The power of unconditional love is within each of us.”
The trouble is that without the appropriate foundations for your relationship, you can attempt to create any reality you like, but at the end of the day, all of that unconditional love will get burnt up, if the other party doesn’t have both feet in the relationship, and doesn’t share the same commitment.
You can’t love enough for two people – you both need to do it.
What I find as a common theme is that many women take the decision to love men unconditionally before any actual relationship is established, and with a lack of boundaries or conditions attached to the relationship, this is effectively like giving carte blanche for certain types of men to completely take the p*ss with your relationship.
“Unconditional love of self is the concept of loving yourself regardless of external conditions.”(source wikipedia)
This is the fundamental difference between you dating with fear and dating without it: You love you and stay true to you regardless of what is taking place around you.
So, for instance, in the past, when I had man trouble, this reflected inward to me and I felt bad about myself. Most readers that I speak with about their problems, they find it very easy to speak poorly about themselves and wonder what is wrong with them, but they struggle to do this about these men – unconditional indeed!
Now, OK, I don’t have man trouble, but when life has it’s difficult moments or I feel hurt or upset, it no longer means that I give myself a hard time because the love I have for myself stays in place. Nothing and nobody has the power to come along and disconnect me from me.
The type of unconditional love that Drama Seekers indulge in is loving these men regardless of how they are treated even though they are acting out to all of the fears and quest for drama. They stay focused on their fears, focused on creating the type of relationship that they’d like to have if only they could get the guy to change, and it’s all sort of exhausting.
Unfortunately, without dealing with your fears and giving yourself self-love, whatever you’re involved in will never be enough and you’ll get stuck in a vicious cycle. On top of this, when we are not careful about our dishing out our unconditional love, we tend to expect too much from those who are incapable of meeting our needs anyway.
Always, always, remember that unconditional love in relationships without the appropriate foundations including love, trust, and commitment means that you are removing conditions to both of your contributions, and in effect, removing accountability.
There are no boundaries and there is no get out option – it’s a free ride. If you’re saying unconditional and you barely know them a wet week, all they bring is drama to the table, they don’t call, they don’t treat you appropriately and they cater to all of those niggling little fears, it’s time to apply conditions, for your own sake not his!
Some feel good tips:
Start focusing on your good points: We know how to say everything negative and lots of positive about everyone else. What are the good things about you? If you don’t know any, find some! Embrace them.
You validate you: All this seeking external praise and love from others can be pretty exhausting work. The less reliant you are on deriving your happiness from the presence and input of others, the better you will feel, and the better quality relationship you will also have.
Stop giving yourself a hard time: Very few of us escape unblemished from relationships. If I focused on every dodgy date and dubious relationship I had, I’d be miserable. Embrace your experiences, take your lessons, and move on. Living in the past and dining on regret and self-blame just prolongs the agony.
Give yourself a tax break and write off your bad relationship debt, and vow to live a more connected, self-loving experience where your past and fears aren’t your shackles. Take stock, write off the bad, and move on.
Learn how to relax and spend time with you: One of the handy things that happened when I was single and wasting time on assclowns and is came to love my own company. I no longer felt agitated if I wasn’t out or surrounded by people and pursued my interests or just stayed in for the hell of it. Friday nights became boudoir knicker nights (not every Friday mind you) but I had a long bath, put on my best underwear, and relaxed on the sofa letting the week fall off me. It was no longer “I’m not out on a Friday because I have no man” and it was “I’m in on a Friday because I choose to be in on a Friday”.
Your thoughts?
Do you have a post or tip to submit for the series? Get in touch!
Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
If you are a Drama Seeker, you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.
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YES! I hear it all the time as well from women (and men too mind you)
“I know, but I love him /her unconditionally”….usually in response to some arse move their partner has made. Unconditional is just that.
NO conditions. Nothing. From them or yourself.
Therefore if they loved you unconditionally, they wouldn’t constantly feel the need to string you along for their ego-boosting-pleasure now would they?
And unconditional love of self isn’t as cheesy as daily affirmations of your fabyness in the mirror, it’s the quiet things that make you feel happy about you. A kind word, a patient smile, holding the door, helping old ladies, having a bubble bath, buying yourself cute knickers, a laugh with your friends, anything that just makes you feel good. Hold onto that and realize that is what makes you a sweet, beautiful WORTHY person.
My new fave quote:
“I love you. It’s not a weight you must carry around. I love you. It’s not a box that holds you in. I love you. It’s not a standard you have to bear. I love you. It’s not a sacrifice I make. I love you. It’s not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I love you. It’s not an expectation of perfection. I love you. It’s not my life’s whole purpose (or your’s). I love you. It’s not to make you change. I love you. It’s not even to make you love me. I love you. It’s as pure and simple as that.anon”
Gosh, so true. Personally, I had this belief that if I gave freely of myself – emotionally, spiritually, even physically sad to say – the universe would eventually reward me in like.
Of course that never happened. One lousy relationship after another and friends who took advantage is what happened.
What I have discovered is that you have a responsibility towards looking after yourself. The universe will reward you – but not for being a doormat. Respect yourself, choose the people you spend time with wisely and only love those who are deserving of your love!
You’ll find that with this attitude, you’ll soon attract the ‘right’ sort of people into your life, be it male or female, friend or partner.
So don’t waste another minute on someone who thinks you’re too weak to mind the bad treatment they dole out. Hold your head up high, stop saying you love whoever unconditionally in the vain hope they’ll eventually love you too. They never will.
Instead, KNOW you’re a good person and you deserve good treatment. Smile. Be kind. But don’t be a doormat…
Yes! So True! I am learning that in addition to being a “door mat” to my EUM, I was to my friends, as well. I never seemed to get as much as I gave, and I couldn’t figure out why that was, until I realized that I didn’t value myself enough to expect a reciprocal give-and-take arrangement from my so-called friends. And they were more than happy to say that I was such a good friend TO THEM, and always there FOR THEM, but I wasn’t getting much in return. Mainly because I didn’t ask for it, because I didn’t think I deserved it, I guess. So, I totally agree that we need to empower ourselves, not just with our men, but with our friends and family.
Dear NML
I know now that you write these truths because you have been there. I was reading this post and going OMG coz that’s my love script right there.
I was an independent, attractive, extrovert when I first met my EUM and had no interest at all in fledging a long distant relationship but first it was this, he was in love with me and wham next all he kept pushing me for was, yeah you said it gal – UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I was not sure what this was and kept resisting but he kept on pushing for me to love him (now everyone say it with me) UNCONDITIONALLY.
To love him no matter what he choose to do and let him be wherever he choose to be.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
Once you hand them this, its good as OVER.
He wants to do what he wants,when he wants but wants us to sit tight and wait for him. What happened to loving me unconditionally, why was it UNCONDITIONAL for him but CONDITIONAL for me.
He said he was committed to me but 20 months later I still do not know where he lives, who he is really with, never met any of his family or friends. Truth be told I know nothing of him today than I did 2 years ago but my life was an open book to him.
Tbat’s what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE got me ladies, so wise up and like NML says, give it to yourselves, you are far better off.
Great article NML, you have helped me get through a tough time.
There is another type of unconditional love that might sound familiar: the love for your children. Even there you need to set some behavioural boundaries, don’t you – or your children will not know good from bad and will take advantage of you, even though they clearly love you. So why should a guy who does not have this strong bond and who might not know you well behave any better? I am not equating men to children, but in different ways they are both learning.
The type of unconditional love that Drama Seekers indulge in is loving these men regardless of how they are treated even though they are acting out to all of the fears and quest for drama
That statement right there is so true!!!
I find that girls are mistaking unconditional love, with plain and simple stupid lust.
When we are girls that love drama, we just end up being plain deluded. Some call it the rose tinted glasses.
Thats why its so dam important to take a step back and see what it really going on
HAF
Amen girl! You’re so right on here. A good friend of mine is in exactly this kind of relationship. She gives everything, he gives nothing but she stays because ‘she loves him.’ What’s to love is sooooooooo beyond me!
She constantly makes derogatory comments about herself as if validating why it’s okay for him to treat her like he does. Working hard to help her see she’s wonderful and deserves more. Maybe I need to send her the link for your post!
Definitely. I think the thing people are forgetting, in all relationships, is a very clear, very easy to differentiate statement:
“Bad Love/Drama” makes you feel badly about yourself. It poisons your view of you and your view of love. Unconditional love makes you feel good about yourself, regardless of circumstances, validation or ability. And it makes you believe in love. Drama is a negative force, Unconditional Love is a positive force.
tyou nml and finallyoverit for your posts. i feel you finallyover it about the friends and family. i learned that lesson three years ago and made a deep decision to let go of many friendships.
Cheekie – That is a great quote! Everyone should read that quote. People just love throwing the love word around willy nilly but they forget to love themselves and forget that they aren’t supposed to be sacrificial lambs at the alter of men!
Girlg33k – Exactly. Nobody gets rewarded for being a doormat – people just continue to trample on and over it and rub their feet in a bit more…
Finallyoverit – Your situation is not uncommon. Too giving – and often when we do it with guys, we’re doing it in other relationships too. One day we just run out of steam and we realise that nothing is coming back and nothing is going in from ourselves as we’re too busy being a doormat to everyone else!
Sindh – Your guy is a parasite – 20 months and you don’t know where he lives!!!!???? You need to get the hell out and if you don’t know where he lives within a couple of months, you need to get to running. That is a man with a secret life and trust me Sindh, if you find out anything, it ain’t gonna be good! Cut him off! All that lying, deceiving, and hiding is gonna steal your wind!
Nada – Bingo! It’s like we just love rolling over for men – where did we all go so wrong in believing that there shouldn’t be boundaries and that this ‘unconditional love’ that we are doling out to men that don’t deserve it will reward us with relationship dividends? No boundaries = he can walk all over you!
HAF – L.U.S.T I know some women who are claiming unconditional love when they barely know their men. They are committed to loving…they just don’t know what the hell love is and it’s like equal opportunity love – anybody who they date or shows them attention and affection – bingo – here’s some unconditional love.
Lisa Q – I love that “What’s to love?” That’s exactly what I say to readers when I speak with them or they email me with a list of sh*tty things that the guy has done. I often take each part line by line “So he’s married… a liar…a cheat…a bad lay..an abuser…you don’t know where he lives…he says he’s never gonna leave her…” What’s to love? Amen Lisa Q!
Cheekie – Amen again! Now people just need to stop mixing up their positives and negatives and in this case – a negative plus a negative does not equal a positive.
Ananda – Now *that* is empowering – knowing when you have toxic friendships and letting them go. Go Ananda go!
Here’s a novel concept: What about if we all unconditionally love OURSELVES, but still hold ourselves accountable and responsible for our actions and choices? Something like–SELF, I love you unconditionally–I know I have made mistakes, have made some lousy choices in men, have stayed too long on the EUM emotional rollercoaster, have gotten involved with a married man, have allowed myself to be the “fall back girl” more than once, have been a doormat for too many people in my life–but I am a good person, I am strong and courageous, and I am learning and growing from my mistakes so that I can bring happiness into my life…. 🙂
Dear NML
I know and you are absolutely right but I let him get away with so I am at faulth too. I left for good and it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since No Contact. Thanks for the note, it is appreciated.
Sindh- You go girl! NC is very hard but you can do it! NML is right on the $. I was in the same situation with the long distance thing & he pushed very hard for the relationship. The secrets led to nothing but him keeping his options “open” & continuing to blow hot/cold until he found someone else then dumped me! I now know they push for love because they need someone, ANYONE to fill the gap. They are selfish creeps trying to get their egos fed at the expense of our self esteem & we allow it. Keep up the NCR – you won’t regret it!
HAF – Amen! I like to call the rose tinted glasses “blinders”! BOY did I have them on.
NML – I have realized that I am a drama seeker. It has been a painful realization for me but through reading your post regarding getting sympathy from other bloggers I realized that maybe I am looking for someone to validate my “victimness”. I had a memory of my childhood while reading your post & it hit me that I have played “victim” my whole life. I finally realized thanks to you THAT is my “drama Seeking”. I guess I learned at a very young age after being placed in front of the television day after day while my mom greived that some attention is better than nothing. It is a painful & hard truth but I know with wisdom comes strength, with strength comes better self-esteem & with self love comes better relationships. Thx.
Kim – This is really good progress because you are really learning about what your motivations are and connecting with who you are. That really puts you in the driving seat and you can embark on a self-defining period of growth. I’ve been where you are and it’s kinda terrifying when you confront harsh truths but if you do something with it that ends up benefiting you and making you feel great about you, it can be an amazing thing. I’m very proud of you!
Dear Kim
The NC was difficult and I tried it 3/4 times before but I never really wanted to do but now I am hell bent on keep going no matter what that may take. There are days I feel YEAH !! I feel great and wham the next day I am sitting there staring at the phone, I got his number memorised of course but you know what, for 20 months I pushed aside Me, My Dreams, My Hopes sat down here there and everywhere never understanding why he did not want me to be with him. The only time I saw him was when he came over for work, 3-4 days a month sometimes two, he was never here when I was sick, down, having a hard time or needed him. He was here WHEN IT SUITED HIM. Oh I forgot the verbal and emotional abuse he was constantly throwing at me. The name calling, the silent treatment, blacmail emails and the fact that he was convinced I was cheating on him.
It was fuzzy before I never quite saw it the way I am seeing it now and the picture is not pretty. The sad thing to this whole charade is
I LET HIM DO IT and GET AWAY WITH IT
So I need to start taking a closer and deeper look at me now and I am. Being here with you guys has helped me so much.