I did repeat “got to do with it” on purpose in the title as I was singing a bit of Tina Turner….It’s day 15 in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, and today I think it’s time I tackle the tricky subject of ‘unconditional love’, that thing that many women just love doling out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, or should I say assclowns…
“I love him unconditionally – that’s what relationships are all about, isn’t it?” a reader said to me recently.
“But you don’t have a relationship and HE doesn’t love you unconditionally, and you don’t love you unconditionally!” I replied.
Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but most of you have no clue what unconditional love is all about. It’s all tied up in dodgy relationship beliefs, soulmate declarations, the fairy tale, and a lack of accountability.
The people who tend to have to use the words “unconditional love” most frequently tend to be the ones who need to stop giving it out willy nilly…
I can hear some of you already saying “Say what?????”
I hate to be hard, but someone has to do it, but with the type of issues that you have with relationships, you need to step back and get a grip on this unconditional love mallarky.
Harold W Becker, author of The Love Foundation describes it as, “Simply stated, unconditional love is an unlimited way of being. We are without any limit to our thoughts and feelings in life and can create any reality we choose to focus our attention upon. The qualities of love are endless and the expressions are infinite. The power of unconditional love is within each of us.”
The trouble is that without the appropriate foundations for your relationship, you can attempt to create any reality you like, but at the end of the day, all of that unconditional love will get burnt up, if the other party doesn’t have both feet in the relationship, and doesn’t share the same commitment.
You can’t love enough for two people – you both need to do it.
What I find as a common theme is that many women take the decision to love men unconditionally before any actual relationship is established, and with a lack of boundaries or conditions attached to the relationship, this is effectively like giving carte blanche for certain types of men to completely take the p*ss with your relationship.
“Unconditional love of self is the concept of loving yourself regardless of external conditions.”(source wikipedia)
This is the fundamental difference between you dating with fear and dating without it: You love you and stay true to you regardless of what is taking place around you.
So, for instance, in the past, when I had man trouble, this reflected inward to me and I felt bad about myself. Most readers that I speak with about their problems, they find it very easy to speak poorly about themselves and wonder what is wrong with them, but they struggle to do this about these men – unconditional indeed!
Now, OK, I don’t have man trouble, but when life has it’s difficult moments or I feel hurt or upset, it no longer means that I give myself a hard time because the love I have for myself stays in place. Nothing and nobody has the power to come along and disconnect me from me.
The type of unconditional love that Drama Seekers indulge in is loving these men regardless of how they are treated even though they are acting out to all of the fears and quest for drama. They stay focused on their fears, focused on creating the type of relationship that they’d like to have if only they could get the guy to change, and it’s all sort of exhausting.
Unfortunately, without dealing with your fears and giving yourself self-love, whatever you’re involved in will never be enough and you’ll get stuck in a vicious cycle. On top of this, when we are not careful about our dishing out our unconditional love, we tend to expect too much from those who are incapable of meeting our needs anyway.
Always, always, remember that unconditional love in relationships without the appropriate foundations including love, trust, and commitment means that you are removing conditions to both of your contributions, and in effect, removing accountability.
There are no boundaries and there is no get out option – it’s a free ride. If you’re saying unconditional and you barely know them a wet week, all they bring is drama to the table, they don’t call, they don’t treat you appropriately and they cater to all of those niggling little fears, it’s time to apply conditions, for your own sake not his!
Some feel good tips:
Start focusing on your good points: We know how to say everything negative and lots of positive about everyone else. What are the good things about you? If you don’t know any, find some! Embrace them.
You validate you: All this seeking external praise and love from others can be pretty exhausting work. The less reliant you are on deriving your happiness from the presence and input of others, the better you will feel, and the better quality relationship you will also have.
Stop giving yourself a hard time: Very few of us escape unblemished from relationships. If I focused on every dodgy date and dubious relationship I had, I’d be miserable. Embrace your experiences, take your lessons, and move on. Living in the past and dining on regret and self-blame just prolongs the agony.
Give yourself a tax break and write off your bad relationship debt, and vow to live a more connected, self-loving experience where your past and fears aren’t your shackles. Take stock, write off the bad, and move on.
Learn how to relax and spend time with you: One of the handy things that happened when I was single and wasting time on assclowns and is came to love my own company. I no longer felt agitated if I wasn’t out or surrounded by people and pursued my interests or just stayed in for the hell of it. Friday nights became boudoir knicker nights (not every Friday mind you) but I had a long bath, put on my best underwear, and relaxed on the sofa letting the week fall off me. It was no longer “I’m not out on a Friday because I have no man” and it was “I’m in on a Friday because I choose to be in on a Friday”.
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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
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