When someone straight-up tells you that the relationship isn’t working and that they don’t want to continue, it can feel wounding if you don’t share their view and are caught off guard. Hell, even if you feel similarly, you still might regard their declaration as a sign that they’ve failed to see the value of you or the potential in the relationship. When you’re not in agreement on the breakup or see it as a sign of your failure, you’re likely to attempt to get them to work at things.
But not everyone comes out straight and says that they want to break up. Some people behave badly and treat you like shit so that you end the relationship instead.
In this scenario, you’re still in the relationship trying to sell the idea of you and them together. You’re trying to realise the potential that you misguidedly still think exists. The fact, though, that they stay but don’t work at the relationship or their words consistently contradict their actions, doesn’t mean there is a potential or that they’re working at it. It means that they’re dropping hints so that you will do the heavy lifting of the breakup. Sometimes they want to come out smelling like roses no matter how badly they behave, so they put it on you. Then they can say that they were ‘trying’ without being honest with themselves about the passive-aggression.
Neither of these breakup scenarios warrants continuing. To do so is like trying to flog a dead horse and breathe life into the carcass.
In fact, both situations scream this:
Hell, I know I’m crazy about this person and the sex is off the chains, and I think they’re my soulmate and blah, blah, blah. Still, if they don’t want to be with me, for whatever reason, I’m going to take every ounce of strength and dignity that I have left and tell them to take a run and jump because something must be wrong if this is happening. And it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me.
These breakup scenarios are major signs that all is not well. I know this, and deep down, you know this. The reality, though, is that many women don’t want to see things for what they are. We’ve been socialised to ‘see the best’ and ‘potential’ in others, and to believe it’s our job to ‘fix’ and ‘convince’ people, especially men, into relationships. We want to see shades of grey where there is hard-edged black and white, and gold where there is rusty, jacked-up copper. Sometimes we want to keep the rose-tinted glasses on.
But…you can’t make someone love you and, actually, you shouldn’t have to.
I have often mentioned about ramming your love down someone’s throat. When you try to pursue a relationship with people that don’t want you, this is what you’re doing.
Any person who does not see the value in you is not worth knowing or pursuing.
If they are ever going to see your value, it won’t be because you stuck to their side like glue and told them how much you loved them no matter how badly they treated you. They finally ‘see’ your value because you went about your merry way even though it hurt like crazy. It will be because you moved on with your own life instead of letting them, as my friend Mich says, eat up your good years.
Imbalanced relationships, especially ones with assclowns, are about one-way investment. And it’s all coming from you.
They’re in for a penny and you’re in for a pound. You’re so busy trying to make them love you, trying to ‘keep’ them, and trying to persuade them that they should stick around and see your wonderful qualities and realise your vision of things, that you don’t realise that they’re throwing in a crumb and you’re chucking back a loaf. The more you do, the less they do. They do something minuscule and you thank the heavens, take it as a sign of his love, and go into emotional investment overdrive! Over-giving alert!
But let’s get clear about something: Not everyone who wants to break up with you is an assclown.
Sometimes relationships don’t work out despite you thinking that it ‘should’, and the reasons aren’t always immediately clear. Whatever it is, it’s about compatibility. Someone either halfway decent or who at least will face down the potential for conflict and criticism, tells you because they don’t want to waste either of your time. It hurts like crazy and can be difficult to comprehend, especially if we think they’re decent, lovely, ‘nice’ or even ‘perfect’. But, not every relationship is destined for greatness. And…either way, they don’t see how great you are.
A shady ex of mine, who by the way, didn’t have the brass balls to break up and instead behaved badly, including cheating and gaslighting, once said, “Relationships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. Now let’s not dwell on the fact that he said ours was for a lifetime, but there is truth to his statement.
Still, sometimes people who straight-up tell you that they want to break up also mistreat you in the process.
Sure, they’re not “wasting time” if they tell you relatively soon after realising it’s not working. They’re being shady, however, when they take their sweet time whilst enjoying the fringe benefits of the relationship and even lining up someone else to move onto first! It’s an assclown move if they told you they wanted to marry you and move in together five days ago and then told you it’s over today. Yes, that happened to a friend of mine.
But…when they do say it, that is your get-out moment. From the moment they vocalise not wanting the relationship, for whatever that reason may be, YOU are wasting time if you stick around.
As for those who like to make sure their bread is buttered on both sides by ensuring that they don’t do their own dirty work so that they can look like less of an assclown, don’t second guess what you’re experiencing. Of course, the irony is that in the effort to avoid looking like an assclown, mistreating you so that you break up with them has the opposite effect.
Anyone who makes it their vocation to treat you poorly is telling you in their own not-so-sweet way that they want out.
Yes, they’re still there, but they’ve figured out that you don’t respect/value yourself enough for you to opt out. Often, the person who acts up to make you end up the relationship is so disconnected that they actually think they’re a ‘great catch’. If anything, they’ll make it seem like you are the problem. It helps them avoid looking too closely at their own actions.
So what can you learn from this? A breakup, especially with anyone behaving remotely shady, means step away, move back, and move on. Obsessing about why they’ve broken up with you, and what each of you said/did, prolongs the agony. It’s basically beating the crap out of yourself with self-blame while they get on with their life. Isn’t it enough of a reason that they want out?
*This post was updated 9th Feb 2021.
Add to favorites
Natalie.. can I ask you a question?? Ok.. so you know you’re SO helping all of us in the situation you were once in.. and I KNOW we are all grateful for this community.. my question is.. Now that your past this.. and onto an available man.. and started a family… Does it ever get frustrating to read and hear about us going thru the same thing you once did? OVER AND OVER.. Do you ever want to beat us over the head? I’m wondering ONLY because.. I say to myself.. “it should be so easy! He didn’t care for you the way you did him.. because you didn’t love yourself to want MORE than he was offering! Simple as that!” But NO! we obsess.. overthink and go over the same scenerio.. over and over.. it’s like you’re the lifeguard standing on the side of the pool with the long pole..and we’re the ones that don’t know how to swim.. after a while.. doesn’t it get a little frustrating to have to help us out of the pool EVERY time.. when swimming should be really easy? We keep jumping in KNOWING we dont’ yet know how to swim?? Does this make sense?
Just wondering if.. once you move past this an are more healthy… do you ever find it hard to continue to console us… when it seems like we should have “gotten” it by now?
I’m totally just wondering.. where you are in your head about that…. Just Curious!
Hey Loving Annie – I owe you an email! Don’t feel shame, feel relieved! You have totally transcended that part of your life!
Keri – I understand your question. I used to be one of those swimmers and much like putting your hand in the fire or flailing around in the water, something does click eventually. But different things click for different people and knowing and doing are two different things, however the more you know, the closer you get to doing. It’s never hard (except for when my email box is permanently on overflow) and I actually want to be doing this. I only wish I’d had the same thing. Think of me as that very patient friend that’s gonna tell you like it is, avoid BS, but always have your best interests at heart. Trust me Keri, I have seen how peoples lives can change – Loving Annie, Sheila, Wendy are just 3 of many. It’s what I’m here for!
How much you make me look at my past and writhe in shame at the obvious that I ignored !!!
Thatnkyou, NML, for opening my eyes. Never again will I be blind like I used to be.
I wish my ex-EUM would grow those brass nuts, break up with me and leave me alone. Say Cynnie, it’s over. But no way – that would be too easy. Instead, he harps on about his love for me, how he misses me (yawn) and that he can’t stop thinking about me. This in turn makes me very angry. I used to be hopeful he was serious “this time” but now I get mad.
I feel as it he is playing with my emotions and getting his rocks off my distress. As soon as I cut the contact he comes sniffing around.
Next step: Tell security at work not to let him in.
Too many of these men are spineless creatures who, instead of being a man and breaking free of the relationship, do things to goad their partner into being the ones to quit. Then they declare how “she” dumped them blah blah blah so that they can be seen as the victim.
That’s what my ex EUM did. He would stand me up, promise to call (and then don’t) tell me about his female “friends”, disappear etc. After 2 months of that and trying to talk it over (that post about talking too much must have been written for me!) I ended it. I figured that’s what he wanted anyway, and I wanted peace.
Keri: It’s been a long swim for me, but I can see the shore now and my head is above the water. This morning I thought that I was going to drown in my tears.
Anyway, I’ve set him free, wheter he has broken up, sat down or played whatever game. I feel better though I have bad bouts at times.
I feel relieved. No more anxiety, over-thinking, wondering if he’ll call.
Relief!
TRUST me.. I’m still swimming too.. I have moments when I’m hanging on to the rail..the more I learn to love myself.. and learn to accept that I’m not asking for a lot to be loved. I’ll admit. I still “miss” my EUM.. I’ll admit.. we had a lot in common.. but when I think about it..I’m SO glad I ended it when I did… that I was strong enough to leave.. as much as my heart pulled to wait longer.. try harder… there was NOTHING I could have done.. stood on my head… got bigger boobs…been his sugar mama… (you know what I mean) NOTHING.. that would have woken him up to being able to express .. JUST ONCE.. how he felt about me… tell me i’m beautiful.. or that he’s grateful for me… JUST ONCE.. nope..I would end up lonely and waiting… I once asked him if he were me.. would he wait around.. and he said no. Exactly.. yet he blames me for all this.. (we lived together) Sad thing is he KNOWS he’s an EUM and he doesn’t know how (or want to) work thru it. Not my problem anymore! I WILL GET OVER THIS!! I proclaim.. one day at a time.. with all your help.. your posts.. Natalies book.. some therapy.. and a WHOLE lot of learning to love myself.. one step at a time!!!
Natalie, Seriously. I give you permission to publicize all the details of my relationship with Mark. Nearly everything you write describes exactly what I went through with him.
And women on this site, I am so over my ex-EUM who I struggled w th for close to two years and sort of lived with too. He had his own condo but stayed with me 5 nights a week and always refused to commit more than that.
I still have my issues to work on, but I’m over him. I think about him regularly, but only as a learning tool.
This post on break ups and how they can treat us so badly that we actually do the breaking up and then they are relieved- thats exactly what happened with me. I just want to share the story because it was the ultimate in breakup drama. In retrospect, I find it humorous but obviously it was unbearably painful when it happened.
My dog had just died, my mom died a week later. He came over and I confronted him again, for a commitment I knew he would never give me. He was one of those EUM who clearly had one foot in and one out. He always said “live for the days” and would never tell me he could see me in his next Christmas or birthday or whatever. No commitments for the future. So having lost my mom and dog, I asked him for a commitment. I knew what he would say. I pushed. He looked me in the eye and said he would never live with me and never rent out or sell his condo. That it would just be the way it was….
I went nuts on him. Screaming, crying…. spent the entire night taking all his clothes out of my closet, all the stuff he had in my house and driving it over to his condo, crying all through it. It was a gigantic scene. It took all night, up to and including the 3am trip bringing his bicycle over. INterestingly enough, during the drives over with his crap in my car, he would offer to come back to my place and re-hang his stuff in my closet, as though we could pretend this hadn’t happened.
One week later he sent me an e-mail telling me he was happy being back in his place and was doing alot of on line dating. Two months later he came over to give me back some stuff of mine he found.. he told me he felt nothing at all for me and hadn’t ever really been in love with me. Of course there is more, but those are the highlights….
In my mind, I told everyone he broke up with me, because he never responded to my hysterical apologies, e-mails, phone calls, etc. after that night. He was just fine. He was a very in control, anal, scheduled, rigid man.
But the truth of it is what Natalie wrote in this post- I broke up with him. I created the scene and allowed it to happen, because I was miserable with him but always hoping, back then, he’d see the light, he’d change, he’d realize there was no one out there as wonderful as I was, blah blah blah. And I was in a situation with him where the sex sucked, I was doing his laundry, ironing, cooking.
The time together was controlled by him and he made sure that the bulk of his free time was with his buddies, playing golf.
It was godawful, but I couldn’t see it.
Thanks Natalie, Wendy
Wendy, I wanted to mention something that hit home for me when I was reading your latest post. You said that your mother died (sorry for your loss, by the way), along with all of the other losses you have experienced lately. I, too, lost my mom over a year ago, and I am still in the grief process. Loss of a mother is one of the hardest and most painful things anyone can go through in life, and it’s very easy to get involved in “drama” situations that keep us from fully grieving and going through the pain of losing a loved one. The reason I mention this is I think I drug out my “relationship” with my ex-EUM partly because I was missing my mom and needed a diversion so that I didn’t have to fully go through that pain. Now that I have fully emotionally “left” my ex-EUM, I have been thinking a lot about my mom–almost like I put it on hold for a long time because I was so wrapped up in this stupid man-child EUM, and now I am facing the grief again. Just something to think about…….
Hi FinallyOverIt,
That is so interesting because it is exactly what is happening to me. My EUM and I broke up a week after mom died, but because I was so intensely involved with dealing with the loss of him, I didn’t really deal with the loss of mom until recently. After losing my ex-EUM, I went through having to sell my home at a huge financial loss, money problems, and finally moving early summer. I had to get through all that trauma to be where I am now, just setting into what is going on with me. I had to focus on just surviving up til now. I miss my mom alot. You are so right, all that drama kept me from feeling the loss of her. My dad had died about 8 months before her, so there has been much loss in my life recently. My EUM couldn’t come close to understanding all that so when he left me, he told me I had too many problems and he couldn’t handle them….. what an assclown!
Thank you Natalie. I’ve been reading your articles and it’s given me so much insight. I wish I found this before I got involved with an EUM.
7 months of bad treatment – canceling at the last moment, expecting me to drive everywhere, expecting me to pay for everything, always taking, could never sleep over at his place, blatantly rude and crude, never came to my place…and I stayed with him for 7 months. He beat my self-esteem down to a pulp. It is now non-existent.
He broke up with me when I spoke up about the “relationship” and he was gone. Ever so often he would text but we never saw each other. He would text and then dissapear.
But 11 months later, one night three weeks ago we got back together again, and he behaved like a selfish pig. I lashed back and told him everything that was festering inside me. Everything that I was too afraid to say before. I called him a manipulator, a user, a taker, a selfish and cold hearted man…he kicked me out of his house and even said at the end as I was leaving that he didn’t like the new me that was speaking up and that he liked the old me that was always giving and quiet…the doormat.
I’m still hurt and still struggling to get back to my normal self as his words keep ringing in my head. No one has ever spoken to me the way he has and that 7 months with him was painful. I just want him out and I want to feel happy again.
Your site is helping me understand that it is not me, slowly but surely. I know it will take time. Understanding the dynamics of an EUM is definitely helping me stir in the right direction for future relationships.
I actually don’t think it is so simple. I mean not always.
They dont always sit there and say ” I don’t want her anymore so I will treat her bad and maybe she will go away”
I had one that treated me like garbage but would beat me and threaten to kill me if I attempted to leave him. And one that kept begging me to come back and stalked me for over a year.
Even Steve, who eventually left me for another woman was very difficult to leave as he didn’t accept my previous ten or so attempts to break up with him
I think the neglect and the mistreatment DOES come from a lack of love and respect and a serious lack of the preception of value in the relationship and of you.
You need to leave because he is emotionally abusive and you have to take care of yourself. He doesn’t take good care of you. He knows he is hurting you and doesn’t care.
Off topic did anyone here have an assclown for a dad or mom? I think that is where my problems started.
Steve told me I need to join CODA which is a support group here in the USA for codependant people. It is not for those who date alcholics.It is for those who date those who do not love them. I don’t know if they have anything similar in the UK.
My father was not emotionally available due to the fact he had a mental illness. I did not get the love from him.
When you are a kid you can’t leave the people who are hurting you and sometimes when you grow up you find it as hard to leave even though you are an adult.
I think it will help me alot to have a support group like this so I am optimistic. But I never expect to heal completely from my disfunctional past.
Natalie, thank you so much for this.
For some odd reason, after 4 solid months of NC, this week I’ve been tempted to call/email/whatever my ex-EUM. I’m not sure why, because other areas of my life are going well – I’ve moved to a new city that I love, have two new jobs that I enjoy, have a MUCH better social life, and otherwise feel very peaceful and happy.
So why the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks do I want to contact him?? Thankfully, every time I’m tempted, I come to your site and read the articles and it brings me back to reality! Thank you so much!!
ivyowl – Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable. They provided the basic needs but had no tolerance for dealing with any kind of emotional issues. I was never hugged and they never told me they loved me or were proud of me. My dad would also scream and yell all the time. They were both really good at making me feel guilty for ever being born. I have two brothers, one has very intense but short relationships. He emotionally abuses his gf’s. He has lived with more women than I can even count anymore. The other is married with children and is NEVER home. He works 7 days a week and sometimes sleeps at the office.
I might join that support group myself. Like you, I don’t think that I will ever get over the damage that has been done to me. I am trying to raise a son by myself and I don’t want him to have these kinds of issues. I don’t want him to be an EUM or attracted to EU women. If I accomplish that I will be happy and that is all I really need. I have given up on myself ever having a normal relationship.
SuzieQ – my parents were the same way… especially my mother. Always critical and controlling so I learned how to please and be a “good” kid in order to stay out of trouble. With the EUM (I’ve had 3) that is what I do – try to please them. Even though they are selfish jerks I feel deep down it is something about ME that isn’t good enough… that they are fine and I don’ t measure up. Seeing the EUM with a new woman is really hard because the fear that you’re not good enough really kicks up when it appears he is treating the new woman well. I have tortured myself with this for so long. Letting a guy jerk my chain, insult me and hurt me only to turn around and start schmoozing some new woman. Eventually he pulls the same crap on her too.
It is true, I spent many painful years trying to get an ex to love in the way I thought I loved him.. this went on for years and years I wasted so much time banging my head against a wall.. I still have contact with this ex eum because we share a daughter and so the drama though I try to minimize it goes on.. and its still painful I shake my head in wonder of how I could have been so blind how I thought my life would end if he wasn’t part of it… and now I’d truly give up almost anything for this guy not to be part of my life….
On my last eum I’m pleased I spent a much shorter period of time then woke up to what I was doing and stopped I did not want to batter my head against the wall again.. It is so not worth it !!!!!
Sure some days are a struggle and I feel like I crawl through it but I am more at peace and have time to work on my issues..
This is the one area you’ve really helped me with NML. I was the queen of betting on potential. Without you and the NCR, I’d likely still be stuck chasing The Math Teacher…and I’d still be miserably trying to figure out why he could see what we could be. Ugh! Thank God that’s over! And thank you!
I have been with this EUM for 15 years!!!! I broke up with him 99 times, the last time for 4 years. I went back to him because I had just been badly scalded by an EUM, and he was sweet about having changed.
He is still emotionally unavailable and a cheat. For a long time I refused to face the fact that I am letting him get away with his poor treatment. But last month he told me he was going to spend the nite with his mum, but spent it with a girlfriend and I woke UP to the realization that life with him will ALWAYS be like this. He showers his new girl with gifts that he can never buy for me. The feeling of rejection and the fact that he appreciates a new babe rather than me who has been with him thru thick and thin makes the pain unbearable. My consolation for now is that he will do to her what he has done to me. It i snot about me.
I realize that some of these men treat us the way they do because we LET them get away with it, and even make ourselves available for more crap. I have now completely reduced my supply of myself and any efforts to make him see “the LIGHT” that I am the one he needs. Last week he wanted me to miss work and do something for his sister and mum. I told him that I didn’t have time. He went on and on about me not caring about his mom and I said to hell. I have made numerous sacrifices for him. His thanks – cheating and being unavailable.
I have come to learn that I have to respect myself first if someone is to respect me; and that I deserve to be loved and respected.
Thanks so much for this site. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps a lot.
GRR.. I”m so upset with myself! I’m stuck in a lease with my EUM although I dont’ live there anymore.. (three more months then i’m DONE!) well he keeps asking me to do stuff for him.. issues with the house (HELLO.. I don’t live there anymore!) .. I put my foot down last week.. and said STOP CALLING ME!! Call your new girlfriend! Well.. another “issue” with the house arose.. and I totally had a weak moment.. here I am trying to help him (even though I don’t live there.. duh.. me giving 100% and him giving NOTHING.. he doesn’t deserve it!!! ) and he text me.. “thanks for your help” and i took that moment and RAN with it because I wrote back and said that “Although I’ve been cold and aloof.. i still care about you”… UGH!!! Why did I do that???? OF COURSE he didn’t respond.. I feel like an idiot! I’ve been doing SO good.. why would I backslide like that!!! UGH!!! I feel dirty.. like I need to take a shower! I KNOW BETTER!!!! Why would I do that… you’re thoughts???
So I guess a lot of this has to do with the way we were raised. Our parents stayed together even in bad situations because that is the way it was back then. Divorce was not so easy to do. But we don’t have to do the same with our kids. We need to break the cycle. I am not really sure how. For me I think it is just best I don’t date at all or keep it as separate from my home as possible. I am still seeing my EUM occasionaly, but I just have to keep it light and not expect too much from him and not let my son see me get upset over him.
keri: NML has said it, as well as many other women who post here: EUM’s are a hard habit to kick, like smoking or any other addiction. I don’t know how many times I used a simple comment from the ex like “Thank you” and took that as an excuse to tell him how I felt. On a positive note, I can tell you that the need to answer will fade with time. Eventually, every text, phone, or instant message will annoy the crap out of you so much that you will begin to ignore every one of them. The best part: he’ll start to get the hint and maybe turn up the heat a little. But by then, you will be SO over his behavior. Congrats to you for at least knowing that it was stupid to respond. Knowing is half the battle. The next battle: stop, think carefully about how your response won’t change the way he’s treated you, and hit the delete/close/straight-to-voicemail button. 😀
Man girl you are so right on and I’m so glad I found you. I have just managed to chuck an assclown of three years- typical emotionally unavailable jack-ass! The entire relationship sucked the life out of me and as he packed the rest of his things up last night I came to the conclusion…it is HIS loss not mine. Now is the time for me to rebuild my spirit and find my life-source again.
So far I am devouring your blog and loving it.
Thank you so much for being so wise and sharing!!!
Amy T., you asked “So why .. do I want to contact him?? ”
I think part of it is that you are taking control, feeling happier, and are thinking about having someone to be close to – and the ex is far enough gone you are thinking of the good times instead of the reasons you have been 4 months NC.
You need to redirect that attention, and meet those needs to feel part of a group – but make it a group larger than two, for now. Community events are great to attend – but even better to get involved with putting them on. Schools often need volunteers – have you seen how agonizingly grateful the Multiple Handicap teachers can be for someone willing to step in and substitute occasionally?
When you think you might be looking at a nice guy to take home, objectively check his emotional health (relationships with friends and family), his character (emotional discipline, honor, honesty, respectful and well respected – this is different than well admired), and his community health – stable profession, aptitude for being a mate and co-parent. Then start with checking out his smile, then his physical attributes. Please avoid anyone adept at getting women into bed (this is a red flag).
Your instincts are partly right – you need the personal contact. But until you meet the right guy, focus on the social side.
Luck!
NML, when we try too hard, one of the disconnects may be to value effort too highly while we ignore identifying our partner’s needs.
One of the most difficult relationship skills to master is to determine what our partner’s needs are. We tend to hide our own needs, and often our partner does, too. An abusive clown may tell you to do things, or may tell you what their needs are – but that may not actually be their needs. So any effort spent doing what you are told or meeting fictitious needs may be wasted. And it feels so useless, doing so much, going more than half way for no reason. We resent the wasted effort, the time we spent for our partner. In a relationship, I would seldom grade more than ‘D’ for effort. Much more important is do what is needed.
When the EU turns shitty for any reason, I imagine you aren’t meeting his needs. You need to decide if you can *or should* meet that need – or leave. You can’t respect yourself for anything else. If there is danger, or threats, then the choice should be obvious – leave.
Blessed be!
I read these articles, downloaded the book and its like looking into a mirror. MY EUM had a 17 year marriage end, then a 6 month relationship end in devistation. I used to tell myself if I love him enough, show him how good a relationship can be, he will love me to. He has told me loved BUT doesn’t know if he can handle loving someone. I’ve ended it, he has ended it and just when I think its over, here he comes. It has never lasted more than a week! We were practically living together when I mentioned the C word and he freaked. For the past 3 weeks he has been back around. We spent our first full weekend together last weekend. He has children and I love them dearly. They have no clue as to whats going on. I to wish he would just say its over. I’ve begged him to tell me goodbye, end it so I can move on and he wont. He just says I know its not fair to you, I’m wishy washy, can’t commit to anything etc and don’t want to hurt you but he won’t stay away! He won’t cut the cord. Two weekends ago we talked, really talked for the first time. I thought maybe something had clicked, it had changed. But I see after reading all this nothing has changed and it won’t until I walk away for good. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. I quit the begging and pleading. I have tried to take the attitude I don’t care but I do. It hurts. When will it stop?
Noelle, the fact that you don’t cry yourself to sleep anymore and you quit begging and pleading shows that you are progressing. I once read a break up survival kit on ivillage.com which said that the pain takes as long as it takes, and that there is no getting out of the pain, just get through it.
PS. I watched Bishop TD Jakes’ sermons of “Nothing Just Happens” which has the famous Let it message; “Potholes” and “Fainting But Still fighting”. They have powerful messages about letting people go & not begging people to remain joined to you. They are powerful messages of hope.
My assclown turned out to be an alcoholic and cocaine abuser. I found help from Al-Anon, which is a support group similar to CODA (Codependents Anonymous). Even though Al-Anon is typically for those involved with a loved one who is an alcoholic, many of the principles are the same – the foundations are built upon self love and self care. These things are fundamental in getting past the abuse of an assclown. Seeking support in a group format is very helpful in finding healing and building the strength needed to not repeat the same pattern in future relationships. I have committed to never getting involved with another man like this again.
Ladies, why would we want to be the dump-ees instead of the dump-er???
My EUM was doing the “treats you badly til YOU break up with him” routine, I can see. In fact, during our breakup conversation, he expressed stress and grief about breaking up, but I told him that I had been getting very clear messages from him that he was not into the relationship anymore. I asked, “Do you know what I’m talking about, or do I need to give you some examples,” and he said no. So (I now realize tho I didn’t clue in then) he was actually well aware of what he was doing to push me away and what his desired end result would be.
So we both downloaded NML’s book, and ended it mutually, but I was the one who called the question, gave him his key back, and I am so glad it was me. The rejection I was getting in the relationship was bad enough.
So ladies, dump your EUM, keep that dignity to yourself, at least! You will be in such a better place if you take charge, instead of begging to be rejected.
I have had a 3 year relatioship with an emotional abuser, he lived with me and my daughter. He would come and go cause arguments to escape, said i nagged him, caused trouble, was this and that and i was so co-dependent on him it was unbelieveable. I have chucked him out, asked him to leave many many times through my frustration. He turned me into a “mental” person and i only two weeks ago after moving in with me again, said he missed his family who live in another town and wanted to move back there and restart his life. I really felt like ending my own life as i simply could NOT go through this again. He had become such a part of my own families lives and to be walking out again was simply too much for me to handle. Three weeks ago when he left for a little break to “clear his head” i packed all his belongings and got them delievered to the other town. I organised all his mail and bank and have had no contact since. He has made contact by text to my family and sent me a text saying he missed and loved me. I have NOT responded. He also sent a valentine card which i have binned. HE WILL NOT BELIEVE ME AS I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN HIM BACK BEFORE. I have shut the door on this relationship and would not even text him back. It is over. I have cried and broke my heart very much in these weeks, but i simply cannot allow another human being to treat me. I am now sad that allowed this to continue for as long as it did. I know hoever this will make me a stronger person in the longrun. God Bless all those who have gone through the same thing. Not a very nice experience. xxxxxx
I had a 4 1/2 year relationship with an eum. We had the good times but I was always making things work and I did everything and he didn’t put out any effort. Everytime he would withdraw for no real reason I was the one who kept calling, seeing him and still doing for him until he came back to me.
This time was the last straw. We went to a concert in May and right after he started becoming distant. He would not call me and when I called him he didn’t always answer and when he did he was not very friendly and he would cut the call short. Finally he went on vacation in July and never told me he was going to be off that week. We work for the same company but in different locations and I found out that way. I was so angry. I know he was having a tough year because he had to get full custoday of his 16 year old daughter because his ex is an alcoholic and went to jail. He had to move to a different town so she could stay at her school and I helped him move and I was there for him. I did so much for him over the years even though he treated me like crap when he didn’t want to be bothered.
I called him 2 of the nights and left no message. Finally I called him on Friday and he answered the phone by saying what’s the matter? He sounded like he was drinking. I still was nice and I was like nothing I just wanted to say hi. He told me he was on vacation and that he didn’t go away and he just rested and he was at a local bar I assume with friends from a town where he grew up in. He was bout to end the call like nothing so I asked if he were avoiding me and he said no and I said he has been distant and not calling. He was so rude and said, that’s me. I was so mad and I said I thought I was the one who he trusted and cared for. He got very silent and I said you don’t want to talk about this do you? He said no and made some excuse his daughter was calling and he had to go. I left him 2 messages after that telling him that he was not very nice, etc.
I tried calling him the next day and he didn’t answer and I was stupid to apologize to him, let him know my feelings and that I was going on vacation the next week.
He never called me. The week after my vacation he was spotted with a girl in a liquor store. Boy was he surprised 2 people that we both know worked there part time. He tried to get out of there quick and gave my friend a look when she asked where I was.
I never let him know that I knew. I stopped contact but I finally gave in and he still didn’t answer my calls. I left messages pleading,etc. I finally confronted him on Labor Day when he got out of work. He was acting so nice and his lame excuse was it’s not you it’s me. Says his lfe sucks, works all the time and stays home and does nothing. He was looking at me like I was just nothing. I can’t believe I asked him if I could still call him and he said you can call but I probably won’t answer. I asked why and he said that he is not talking to anyone not even me. I was so crushed. I remember touching his shirt saying, you know how I feel about you. He just stood there. I said is that the real reason and he put his hands over his ears like a big baby and said no, no I have to go – and took off in his truck.
I’m still sick over that – A week later I left him 2 messages on his cell phone letting him know how hurt and what a lier he was. The end of Sept. I saw him 1 last time at the store where he worked. He gave me that mean look of his and turned his head and didn’t say much at all. He treated me like an enemy after all I did for that creep!
It’s been very hard for me but I have not contacted him since. I almost want to but I will not give in this time. Now he has a girlfiend that he is trying to keep secret. He was furious when he found out a vendor told a guy co-worker about his girlfriend. He still does not know that I know about it. I won’t say another word to him.
It’s crazy but I still have feelings for him even after he hurt me so bad with his lies and the way he betrayed me. I still hope he calls me and says he is sorry, but I know he won’t and I deserve so much better.
I’m so happy I found this site. It has been so helpful and I have been learning alot. I wish I found it sooner!
am so glad I came across this site completely by accident & just at the right time!!! I met someone in may 2006, for the next 2 years we were together on and off, at one point he disappeared on me for 5 months after alternating between ignoring and insulting me for 3 weeks, but mailed me to say sorry and we were back together again but the very reasons we had issues 1st time around soon re appeared again. the last 4 months of the “relationship” he was an absolute pig yet I still hung on ever hopeful he was just having a bad time and would “come round”. he never did and I broke off altogether april last year after he called me names via text that cant even be printed here!! I’ve spent the last year questioning and analysing it all, finding excuses etc and just when I thought it was safe to go back on the pc I received an email and text from him 2 weeks ago, misses me and the kids, can we have coffee etc. I’ve declined the coffee but was happy to exchange the odd text but guess what, he’s disappeared again, I know part of this is me trying to be best friends with everyone, no way did I want to get back with him again, no wish to be in his company which speaks volumes but at least this time I didnt get my fingers too badly burnt, bit of wounded pride is all. love your web site, I’ll be back to read more!!
I was with my EUM for almost years. He was so loving and generous when we were together, amazing sex life, wined me and dined me and was a total gentleman when with me. however, the relationship was stalled for almost 2 years where it was in the first 3-4 months.
In the fifth month of dating I caught him online-found his profile picking up other chicks and confronted him. I took the profile printout to his house the day he invited me over for a bbq. He in the beginning denied and I left him there and said, “call me when you are honest.” So, he did a day later and said he only wants me and that he “was not sure if I was still playing the field because we never had the “exclusivity talk.”
I fell for that BS. His behavior was still shady-going out some weekends without me, working late, etc. His job is sooo demanding that I believed it and he knew he cold use it as an excuse.
I finally after almost 2 years told him to “shit or get off the pot” and he said he needed time and that a break was in order. Two days later I pass by his house-2blocks away-and find a skanky chick in disgusting clothes on his floor- no class at all. And this is a professional man in health care. I was always classy, dressed like a million bucks, and respectful. He went from class to trash in a second. She got up and left when she realized who I was and he didn’t even stop her-he just lay on the couch like a pig.
He has txted a few times but I am starting to ignore. I do have a feeling that this sick EUM will try to come back in some cowardly way.