Nearly ten years ago I gave up smoking. A habit that had started in my teens to no doubt impress my peers, it had become something that I wasn’t enjoying, but kept doing anyway. Initially after giving up, my hands felt empty. It was weird when I’d have a glass of wine and my day was no longer punctuated by cigarette breaks. After a week or so, I had a wobble on a night out where it seemed almost ‘easier’ to have a fag than it was to ride it out. I nearly caved, but then I suddenly felt silly.
It was my first proper night out so of course it felt odd not to be hoofing down a fag, but it occurred to me that there would be many more nights like it. It would feel odd and uncomfortable now, but in time, not smoking would be normal. I’d smoked for far longer than I hadn’t, so it was bound to be difficult. I focused on the bigger picture which is that I wanted to give up. Period. I recognised that if I didn’t give up now, I’d only end up giving up again and feeling the same initial withdrawals, so I might as well suck it up. So I swallowed my discomfort and rode it out, and once I realised I could get through that evening, other social occasions stopped seeming so monumental.
I clearly remember that after three weeks, it stopped feeling like a major effort and started to feel normal. I wasn’t Natalie Who Has Given Up Smoking and is Trying To Resist the Urge – I was just Natalie.
It’s like that, for instance, with No Contact, which is a beginning, not an ‘end’. Initially it’s about making a concerted effort not to make or accept contact but the more the habits become a part of your routine and you make them natural, one day you realise that yeah, you still hurt but you’re actually getting on with your life.
Like the cigarette, it feels odd not to have your day punctuated with a relationship, even if it wasn’t a great one.
You’re still standing, the sky hasn’t fallen down, they’ve still got problems, and more importantly, you’re gradually moving on and it’s not impossible or as horrendous as you thought it would be.
What makes a huge difference to the success of our endeavours is willingness. I don’t mean just thinking or talking about being willing, but having a mentality that translates into actions.
That’s because willingness and readiness are intrinsically linked. Without the latter, you’re someone who has thoughts and ideas about the inclination to be or do something, but not the readiness that means you will follow through and do the necessaries to make it happen.Many people who want happiness and a relationship have a willingness to a point, but they are not ready, or don’t realise that it takes more than good intentions to make things happen. It takes action. Consistent action builds confidence but also helps to shift the mentality.
What holds most of us back from readiness is fear. That and many of us are into some quiet bargaining, so it’s a bit like if whoever you pray to sends you a sign in the form of The Most Perfect Partner, you will then be ready. Or you’ll be ready if it’s not too hard. Or you’ll be ready if everything is easier.
We can also make excuses for what stops the willingness from translating into actions.
There’s no good men/women to date.
People are so fickle.
Dating is hard.
It’s too late for me.
Everyone has problems.
I’m not seeing instant results which makes me feel my comfort zone is easier.
I don’t have that kind of time – my biological clock is ticking.
I don’t think I can handle putting myself out there and getting hurt.
And the list goes on and on…
The reality is that many of us want ‘shortcuts’ – we want it all to be made easier. It’s like we can see our way to doing it if there’s a quick solution or we don’t have to get vulnerable in our efforts and risk ourselves. We want it all to be lined up and to be able to almost continue as is and not really have to stretch ourselves and get too uncomfortable. We’ll make some minor adjustments (and tell ourselves they’re big) but won’t make some major adjustments. Ideally, if we could keep doing the same things, hanging in the same places, and essentially going about our business, that would be ideal. We want some clad iron guarantees.
We’ll go some of the way, but not all the way. The likelihood is that we’re not going enough of the way to improve our confidence to keep going the rest of the way.
Yesterday I wrote about what it takes to be emotionally available and again willingness is absolutely key.
As a longtime reader remarked to me last year, we ready, aim, but we don’t ‘fire’. I agree. When you take aim and get ready to press the trigger on your new habits, a fear gets in the way and you remind yourself how comfy you felt when you were aiming and thinking about firing but not actually firing. It’s also a lot easier to come up with umpteen reasons that are ideally beyond your control, such as someone else’s inability to be emotionally available, than it is to accept the power that you own anyway.
This is why many of us talk the talk but don’t filter it down to walking the walk. Or we start walking and then suddenly start running on the spot or going into reverse. That’s why you have ‘bolters’ and people who get weirded out when confronted with decent, honest dates that don’t have a dodgy agenda.
For a few years I claimed to be ‘willing’ to be in a healthy relationship and find love, but actually, it was only the uncomfortableness of my epiphany relationship, my illness and various catalysts that triggered my readiness. Prior to that, I hadn’t been so ‘willing’ that I’d actually do anything constructive about it and I hid behind the problems of the guys I dated instead of being honest with myself. Hitting rock bottom helped my readiness but remembering where I’d been and what I’d experienced helped me to maintain a consistency in my actions.
You don’t just change overnight. It takes time and consistency and quite a bit of repetition to break habits. It means that when you experience bumps on the new route, you navigate them and find a way to keep going instead of saying ‘F*ck it! I might as well go back to my old ways!’ Until you’ve been repeating new habits for as long as your old habits, I wouldn’t be too hasty to give up.
If it still feels weird to you to adopt healthier relationship habits and treat yourself with love, care, trust, and respect, and you’re wondering whether you should slip back to your old habits that are still lingering, your new love habits are not actual habits yet. After all, you’ve had dodgy relationship habits for years and not questioned the nth out of those!
How ready and willing are you? Are you prepared to not just ‘aim’ but to ‘fire’ or are you going to bolt and wait to see if something else happens to take the job away from you and make it easier? No-one else is going to ‘fire’ for you and much like relying on others for your happiness, you shouldn’t rely on others to determine your readiness – ‘Oh when he’s ready to sort himself out, I’ll sort myself out’.
It’s not about the other person whether they’re current, an ex, or the person you hope to meet. Deal with you first and when you’re putting your whole self in as opposed to safeguarding yourself in limited relationships with limited people, you can then look at the other person.
I’d use previous history and your relationship insanity to remind yourself of what results from doing the same thing and continuing to expect a different result – your pattern that you want to shake. Use that willingness and translate it into actions with readiness. Stretch yourself and push through the uncomfortableness. If you feel like you’re not ready and are waiting for a sign of readiness, make yourself ready by taking a leap of faith and ‘firing’ and remain committed to putting yourself out there even when it’s scary. Keep going.
Your thoughts?
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Thanks Natali,
This is my thing now, I have read and understand about my own emptional unavailability and bad relationship habits, I have learn to recognise EUM / AC., but now it is time for me to move on and step out into the rest of my life. I am ready for it, but still afraid to do the same mistakes again.
Wow, I am praying God for couradge and discernment.
Thanks a lot we need also this kind of articles to be able to go ahead and move up!!!
Woman,
Every word you click down is worth more to me in my life than pure Diamonds and Gold. Please know this. When you have your own show on the Oprah network (or something similar) and the sheer scope of what it would mean to our children to change this sad trend of focusing on the other instead of building up ourselves (the sickness of codependency in a nutshell) …. is in contagious, trendy, effect remember us and this blog.
Your words have replaced the critical parent voice inside my head and now i hear an English accent saying you can do it, don’t try to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear etc..! (btw, I’m American ((Chicago, wanna do a workshop?? I have a great venue!!…)
Thanks from the bottom of my cracked open and caulked with boundaries heart, Please don’t stop doing what you do for us:) Some of our lives are so chaotic that the foundation of the practice of consistency (other than obsessing over an assclown) is reading this blog!
Cheers to All,
dlite
I concur! Natalie is unbelievable. She consistently hits the mark every time…
The most valuable thing about NML’s blogs is that they are empowering, as opposed to demoralising (which is how I found the ‘advice’ I would get from well intentioned friends).
The more you read the more empowered you feel, the more empowered you feel the more you start to take control.
Yes Fearless!
Any other dating advice I have ever read or heard from friends places the shame and blame on you,reinforcing the notion you aren’t focusing on them correctly enough. Nat knows how to rip the blinders off and shine the light! I tell everyone I can about this site. It is almost insurmountable to be able to make any change in bad habits at all weight, health, smoking, assclowns, etc while feeling powerless and worthless, I know, I tried it that way for almost 40 years! Its totally backwards. Build yourself up, get armed with awareness, then watch the change happen, its like an airplane taking off with its momentum. The stuff that doesnt serve you starts to fall away, more effortlessly. The beginning of the journey is the most herculean effort in my view, after that it gets easier.
Power on!
I agree wholeheartedly! Thank you for walking through your experience to share with us. i am at this point, 9 months of no contact, a lot of hard earned work and ready to do the difficult and walk through it one moment, emotion, progressive learning experience at a time. thank you!
Fear is the stumbling block for me. I can see what I need to do, have made great strides in relationships, am learning new habits but fear stops me most times. I’m not even sure what the fear is about: change, lack of control, getting hurt again. I trust myself more and that helps. My boundaries are good….so what am I afraid of? I still find that there is a time delay in my head and my reactions. Things are much better than they were. A bad day or emotional set back used to derail me for a very long time. I would obsess and worry and pick it apart from every angle. It never changed anything but it kept me from having to deal with myself. Now, I may still get upset for a bit, but I am better at calming myself down, looking at things objectively and then making the best decision for me, instead of for someone else. After all the work and self-examination, part of me feels ready to fly but part of me almost wants to stay curled up here, in the safe “working on me” space I have created. I have just changed one comfort zone for another. Maybe its baby steps to start. Do one thing each day that is different and a bit frightening. Talk to a stranger, sit with new people at lunch, turn off the TV and go out. Something/anything to break the routine and try a new thing. It took getting very low to make me want to make all these changes. I did the work but now comes the really hard part: putting it into action. Actually trying to have a healthy relationship with someone. I can only know if I have broken my bad habits by trying new ones. I know its safer to just sit and pick apart my past relationships for what went wrong and my bad patterns but eventually I need to put all this new knowledge into action. That’s frightening. Is it really as easy as just deciding to do it?
Me too. I get it, I’ve made changes, and I’ve been able to make some progress in terms of how I communicate in my relationships. It’s still really scary to keep putting myself out there like that, though. Even when I get positive reinforcement for asserting myself — which feels good — it’s like there’s a small voice in the background reminding me of my fears. There are moments when I fail, and moments when I succeed. I’m trying to just be brave, suck it up and speak my mind. Overall, it’s terrifying. 🙂
I have been ready and willing to take care of myself over the last year, and that has translated into gradual baby steps/action/some progress compared to where I used to be with regard to love, care., trust and respect.
But as far as willing to date? Nuh-unh, not there yet. And for all the reasons that you mentioned.
One step at a time for me.
It’s incredible how timely this is for me! I’ve just begun to see a new guy, and this one seems like he’s ready and open for an actual, both-feet-in relationship. I have recently realized that I’M the one that’s been emotionally unavailable all this time, and it’s almost as if I’ve completely missed an entire aspect of emotional intimacy as a result in all past relationships.
I had a really hard time last night, thinking this new relationship round in circles, thinking it would just be easier to tell him ‘you know what, I’m not ready for a relationship’ and go back to my avoidant ways. But, I’ve decided that I really do wish to become available, since this is a man I like quite a bit, and (so far!) lacks assclown or EU tendencies. This decision scares the daylights out of me, but I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to have these insights from you and others on this site. How yes, it will be uncomfortable and frightening, but something that’s ultimately worth doing.
Dear Natalie, thank you so much! You are right about consistency! I was so strong for 7 months of NC, but this month my AC contacted me and gave in:-( The result is still the same- all “madness” is started, he didnt change…I blame myself, because I knew that it will happened, but still wanted to believe this time will be different?!
No, it’s never going to be different, because I am not his Right Woman and he is not my Right Man!
I gave up on men, honestly, I dont want anyone… I dont feel bitter, I feel actually calm.
Interesting how you smoked like I did! And you’re right, it’s just like a bad relationship we hold onto that’s slowly killing us, in an emotional sense anyway.
A lot of people are full of excuses in trying to meet the right person because they have unrealistic standards. Not to mention pessimistic ones. And as long as people continue to hold themselves and other people back, they’re going to remain single or tied to a bad relationship forever.
Love it Nat! You are really reaching and growing!
My Principals to Live By – Primary Core Values and Beliefs.
Honesty – Trust with good reason-There is no beginning without the truth. There is no beginning without the truth. Truth is a demonstrable fact. Trust with good reason. Honesty is about feelings
Hope. Focus forward. Consider the possibilities. Believe there is a better way of living and thinking. Become Willing.
Faith. Sustains hope. The impossible becomes possible. Sustains hope. You are not alone. The impossible becomes possible. Commitment to personal spirituality
Courage. The willingness to act. Understanding what we do have control over. Changing the things we can. Taking actions that serve our greatest good
Integrity -Keeping honest when no one is looking. To thine own self be true. Fulfill promises to others as well as Self. Earn the respect of yourself and others
Willingness -Recovery is a journey not a destination – to share what is and to do what you need to do. Openness of your heart and mind. Ready for change
Humility – The art of being teachable in relationship -own your own strengths for yourself. Humility is not being humiliated by the truth. Let go of old beliefs and behaviors
Brotherly Love – Fellowship and friendship -Unconditional positive regard for another person – Not contingent on anything. Live in harmony with others.
Discipline – Exercise of your right and responsibility to your recovery – Your right to what IS important – Your responsibility not to take your feelings out on others – THINK!
Perseverance – An accumulation of all principals together – No matter where you go – there you are. Inward focus and drive to improve. Making progress in spite of difficulties
Awareness of God – Following a spiritual path – Not being attached to the outcome. Self-discipline. Courage to overcome fear. Progress not perfection
Being in Service – Show up – pay attention with good intentions. Service to others – there is no higher purpose. Self-respect and spiritual growth.
Inspired by Getting Out of Stuck!
Moved up,
What a poetic affirmation. It was inspirational and calming to read.
Another great post. Congratulations on all that you’ve gone through…and soared past…and for teaching us about it, too.
My thoughts Natalie—you’ve been on a roll, do you ever sleep?!?!
BAM, BAM, BAM…you have been firing one after another, day after day, with hard hitting truths–timely as always!~
This is where I am, 3 months of NC, I still think of him, but my thinking has evolved. I am moving on, yet I get little glimpses of my past wanting of him, yet I realize it’s just that my body wants physical contact. Lately I realize it’s thoughts of good-bye. Last night I had an epiphany, I started sobbing in bed, thinking “Damn it, we could of been happy right now together, but it never happened, so good-bye”.
My new life is now full of focus on myself, my career plans, fitness, family, friends, etc. There just isn’t room for a relationship right now and I meant to set it up that way. I like the fact that this shop is closed for reconstruction. Maybe a year, who knows?
All I know is that all I have is myself and I should really only rely on myself.
I do still wish we could have been together, but I see it as a lost love. No need to keep beating the dead horse.
I agree Natalie when you say that we will move past the uncomfortableness. I told myself I’d let all my feelings be felt, I cried, I was angry. Now it’s a slower flow of emotions, though I still get nostalgic, and that’s ok. The moments I had with him were unbelievable and came at a crucial time in my life. Just in time to turn my life upside down and make me do something about it! Face my fears and troubles and start with a new perspective! A blessing in disguise? A painful one, yes, but very necessary!
I am accepting that we both moved on, I have no intention of contacting him. I’m just letting it be.
It is what it is.
I really appreciate the comparisons to smoking because I quit smoking about two months before I found my AC. I guess I dropped one bad habit and picked up another. Lol
To the point though…I told the AC in person about a month ago to quit texting calling etc. In over 4 years that was the one thing I could not bring myself to do…
Needless to say, I have struggled (especially the first two weeks) but I feel so much better now that I can’t even describe the freedom I feel.
I would say that I hit the ground (face down) but I realize that I’m still here and very able to get up! Just knowing that I did something good for myself (ending things) has given me a renewed sense of self…now I know I will always “do right” by me. Even when I make mistakes I will always turn around on the right path back to me. Maybe that sounds corny but I am all about wooing myself back to me…Lord knows I’ve given myself over to the most undeserving man out there…now I get to reclaim myself!
But it’s like you say NML…you have to be prepared to DO what you haven’t done in order to get the results you want and it can be so uncomfortable at first. I can say I am in uncharted territory but it’s already so worth it. I don’t get the panic attacks or the anxiety or the sadness that came from staying in touch with the AC.
My life is anything I want it to be now…and I agree with dlite, you are a blessing to so many…never stop doing what you do (unless you’re planning for a bigger stage) Big Hugs!!
Thank you for being a beacon of hope for me. All I can say is what a difference a year makes. Out of the blue, I’ve met someone, and am determined not to repeat the same old patterns (I was set on this before I met him). Now my mantra is, “Feel the fear, and do it anyway.” I understand and accept the fact that with relationships there are no guarantees, but that is not going to stop me from taking risks or from being committed to staying emotionally available and loving and accepting who I am. Your words have been a big help, Thanks again Nat!
Its been eight months and they have been an incredible struggle. Walking away from him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But slowly I realize that even if I fall off the wagon from time to time (we work together, which prolongs any agony), I can just pick myself up where I fell and keep on walking. I am trying as hard as I possibly can to push through the pain, the fears, the ticking of the biological clock, the feeling of having messed up my life at 35, to come out at the other end a stronger person that is ready to tune her radar onto emotionally available men. And despite the lack of desirable candidates in my current city, I tell myself that there is better out there for me.
I am there with you – for every step forward I take, I tend to take some backwards. I just turned 38 and use that number – so close to 40, OMG! – as the reason I “have” to get back out there, even before my work on me is done. It’s a daily reminder I have to make to myself to do this for ME. And that it is the right thing to do. THanks Natalie. You’ve been my inspiration for months now.
Thanks to the person whose user name is “Moved up.”
You used a term “Courage to Overcome Fear.” That’s what I’ve needed all these years!
I always forge ahead and somehow manage to get on the path I see for myself, but it is SUCH a hard and long uphill battle, I rarely have had any help from anyone, so I have to work 10 times as hard at it. I’m behind age-wise, so I am not going to be able to do what I had envisioned doing with my life, but at least I am a survivor.
I need courage to overcome fear.
Yes, it does take working on YOU before you are ready for a relationship. It took me nine months to wash the CRAP out of my soul from my recent experience with an A/C EUM guy. I’m thankful he didn’t cheat or disappear, but he had all the other stuff Natalie writes about. My friends kept telling me I should go “out there” and meet another guy. NO! When you are still trying to wash CRAP out of your soul, this is not a good time to try to date. You just attract another A/C.
Even though I’m the one who walked out on the A/C, I was the one who still tried to contact him. It’s what Natalie has said before…. I was attracted to “what he COULD be…” which was what he was initially in the relationship before his “dark side” was revealed. Let’s just say, it took something DRASTIC for me to get him out of my soul and stop pursuing him. I think I am FINALLY back to how I was feeling before I met him. Let’s see…. what is that song from the 50’s? I think it’s by Skeeter Davis or something…
“Got along without you BEFORE I met him, gonna get along without you now…..”
This makes so much sense. It’s the courage to overcome fear that’s been the over riding issue. Confront my demons – so to speak.
I look back at the person I was prior to the long rocky road of divorce and meeting the AC that I let tear me apart and who contributed to my sadness. I was very outgoing, confident, sure of myself and loved doing what I did for myself, family and friends.
About six weeks ago I was a shadow of that woman buried in fear. I’ve gone NC with the AC. I actually feel quite liberated, free under no stress and I don’t think of him at all in any sentimental way like I used to.
However, I had reached the stage of telling myself “it’s too late for me.” I gave myself a good talking too because it’s NEVER too late. This was actually something that the AC had mentioned to me about my age, and I had taken it on board.
I’m happier now. I’ve recreated my website, I’m getting out there! In fact, my girlfriend mentioned a dinner party next weekend and about my going. I said yes! I’ve hidden long enough.
The things I plan to do from now on are for me. Nothing will actually happen if I do nothing. I will remain in the status quo and I refuse to give in to that one single moment longer.
I did however, get confused reading all my NC notes and articles here. I really don’t want to date right now. I would prefer to get back to living and doing what makes me HAPPY and finding myself again – if that makes any sense?
Part of that is being able to deal with people I may bump into – namely one guy I was dating earlier this year who I dumped because his idea and mine of a relationship didn’t match and he wasn’t the right guy for me (too many red flags)! At the dinner party next weekend, he’ll be there. He’s texted me a couple of times and I haven’t responded.
My weakness is being Miss Nice Girl. I don’t want to be Miss Nice girl any longer (to a certain extent). This is a test to see how I can handle the situation – for me.
Thanks Nat! Once again you point out the right advice and the obvious. Fear only limits us to a status quo life that in turn makes us vulnerable because we don’t get willing and take action to facilitate happiness within ourselves – thereby opening the door to AC men and women!
Hi, Natalie
I couldn’t more agree with you. Plus it gave me courage not to criticize myself, but to act instead…since lately I’m eating my words a lot and not making them happening, considering my different behaviour in relationship…
P.S.: I really like your renewed site, fonts and everything, it makes it softer and more eye friendly.=)
N.
Thanks Nat!!
Things that hold me back – afraid of myself and the choices I have made with men, friends even, although my brother says they chose me and I just went with it – maybe a fear that I can’t do better? Settling for less? (Not trying to avoid responsibility here – as I did chose to enter and stay.)
I also have come to realize after interacting with my extended family that I was taught to doubt my own reality – byproduct of growing up in an abusive family. As a child – if I really did own my own reality – it was not too bright and extremely scarey!! Which leaves me with the thought of why I have been more apt to believe one’s words rather than their actions – wow – think I am on to something here.
Safer just to take care of myself – not having to risk – risk disappointent, rejection, loss, abandonment, confirmation that I had/have alot of “problems”.
FEAR – F*ck Everything And Run or False Evidence Appearing Real.
I am going to keep praying for courage, and take actions to walk thru it all. God knows I have done some really scarey things in my life and I am better for having done them.
Thanks everyone!!
I only have, not really a question-more like a idea for topic…what if you have rushed a bit too fast into the relationship and didn’t put the boundaries clear enoufgh, how can you act to repair the mistakes…i mean, is the relationship lost for good, if you start putting boundaries later, after a few 3 or 4 months…
Nin
We can’t train our boyfriends to behave in a certain way as if they were dogs or small children. They are adults and they KNOW that not calling, texting their exes, failing to turn up, blowing hot and cold, cheating etc is wrong. The function of boundaries is for YOU to know that it’s wrong. You confront, if nothing changes you dump. Or you dump straightaway for a major boundary bust (blowing hot and cold is major for me). If you are NEVER going to dump under any circumstances, you basically haven’t got any boundaries.
If you are saying that there has been three months of boundary busting, I would say the relationship is doomed and you should end it. He’s already proven to you that he is not relationship material. If you had enforced boundaries earlier, you would simply have ended the relationship earlier. I very strongly doubt that he would have changed. And I mean long term change.
Please don’t run away with the idea (promoted by so many dubious dating experts) that if you had been tougher, clearer, more confident etc that he would have stepped up and become a decent person. He is who he is and you are not responsible for that. What you are responsible for is getting out when you realise he is not right for you. It’s worth discussing who’s turn it is to take out the bins, or whose family you should see for Christmas. It’s not worth pointing out to someone that being ignored for a week/ being cheated on/ being lied to is unacceptable – if they are doing that they don’t care full stop. You need to abort mission, not start trying to change their behaviour.
@Grace
You know you can read loads of comments and blogs on here and they all have worth and validity in one way or another and occasionally you get a comment that sings to you. This comment sings to me Grace and has moved me along a rung in the ladder, so thank you.
Yep they do know what is inappropriate behaviour, not only do exes educate them, but their pals, their sisters, their parents all make comments that express disapproval. The fact they choose to continue, after clearly being informed directly or indirectly means we have to take action and leave sooner or if we want to waste more time, later.
Yes, outstanding comment.
A guy pal once told me, “We all know right from wrong by the time we are 7.”
If she wants to remove any doubt from her head, though, then she may do Suck it and See–ONCE. Then adios if he doesn’t improve.
Grace,
Excellent message I agree with the other commenters and felt that way before I even saw their comments about your message.
I especially like the hot and cold being a deal breaker. I hope I recognize if the next guy does pull dubious behaviour and I walk away right away because now that the hot and cold is on my radar. It use to drivc me mad but I wasn’t positive if it was just me being too senstive.
I have found each dubious guy disguises his behaviour differently and it takes me certain while to figure it out. I am thinking now that I have found this site I will recognize it sooner.
thanks
Hi Grace,
I like what you say. we can’t train them!!! i can’t believe i’m still in my situation with this guy. he’s blowing cold now. my self esteem hit the floor over the weekend. i now believe that he is an eum and even though his circumsatnces have changed he is still emotionally unavailable. in fact, he has become more withdrawn and is withholding more than EVER!! i am facing reality now and know if i don’t cut him out of my life, i will sink into a major depression. when he was winning me back he was calling and texting and since last saturday, sinde were supposedly “back together” and he’s ready to give his whole heart that is what he said to me last saturday Grace, he hasn’t phoned me once. he isn’t even texting me every day. but i now see the reality of him and he actually has the ability to drive me into insanity. the situation is getting serious for me now. i will tell him tonight that its over for good. i know now he’ll blow all hot next week. God, i can’t beleve ive fallen for his lies AGAIN.
Agree with Grace wholehearted, this is what happened to me. I started with no boundaries then wondered why o why he wasn’t the gentleman I wanted? Lesson learned, we can’t change anyone but ourselves.
It hurt so much but I’ve managed to do NC for 3 months niw
The biggest change in my life, learned from counselling and this site, is that I have power over my own life. Up until very recently, I THOUGHT that I was independent, intelligent, in control etc but in reality, in some major matters I was just going along with what other people wanted or simply allowing the status quo to continue.
I thought it was okay to do things I didn’t want for my parents ,to keep dubious exes in my life (even though I never actually saw them) , to do favours for people at work who should have dealt with their own crap. I thought that’s what nice people do. Or that it was somehow benefiting me, that it was a lesson in tolerance, that it’s good to keep people in my life who I have cared about. No, I was just being a doormat (to put it bluntly).
And it doesn’t matter how much you know in your head. Our intelligence is not the problem, it’s not even in our hearts. Something in our gut makes us feel helpless. You need to examine that. Someone or something put that feeling there – it’s not an inherent part of you, you can overcome it.
Over the previous six months I’ve point blank refused to do things for my parents, turned down someone at work and cut off the remaining exes. The sky did not fall down and I feel great.
@Grace: I am coming to these realisations you mention- keeping people happy, including parents and exes, apart from being tiring and contaminating the most healthy things and people in your life (simply by virtue of the fact that not everything can be sacred), it’s just such a wobbly base position. I hadn’t realised til this AC experience just how much I still ‘perform’ for others. I am like a seal at the zoo sometimes. This is something ‘the’ therapist wants to talk about. Not looking forward to it, but in the light of this post, probably very necessary. Otherwise, I feel like I will continue to get myself ready and more balanced, and then fire out a blank or one of those Joker ‘Bang”s on a neat red flag.
Thank you all, for you comments…
I am thinking of what you wrote, especially you Grace…
I realised I sounded a bit naive, or better said, sounded as a person wearing blinkers. Which is actually true, I am afraid. It’s hard for me to except that we come in relationships (of any kind) as two separate individuals, which means each of us is carrying a responsability for its own life and can not be responsible for other persons actions.
The thing is my fears of betrayal and abandoment are deeply rooted in my experience with my father and with my ex relationship. Both of the betrayals happened practically at the same time (three years ago), and even though I am in my middle 20’s, it has left me a lot of pain and confusion.
I’m not really sure which one has hurt me more…I guess it was first the one with my father, since he was my role model, I trusted him as we should all trust our parents, I guess…I looked up on him and most important, I’ve been looking my parents relationship my whole life. He was cheating on my mother and instead of taking the responsibility, he was emotional abusing me for few months, until I finally told her…A year later I found out my boyfriend has cheated on me. At the time it felt like, I guess I can’t hold my relationship eather (like my mother couldn’t) and what if I’ll always be attracted to men type such as my father…?? I am not sure, why I partly blamed myself for my ex actions…Everything mixed.
When I got into a new relationship, after a while everything bumped out. I can’t really trust my judgment in people. When putting boundaries in my new relationship, I think the main problem I have is the one with trusting myself. I feel like I shouldn’t be putting a limit becouse, if I do, he will leave. Of course on rational level I know, I can handle myself, there are so many persons in the world, but still…I am not yet familiar with the feeling of putting myself first.
I hope I didn’t lade you all too much with this.=/ Thank you again for a different perspective on issue.
Nina
GRACE I recognise myself in what you say, my reason is, as you say, “I thought that’s what nice people do. Or that it was somehow benefiting me, that it was a lesson in tolerance, that it’s good to keep people in my life who I have cared about.” I am scared to cut people off, or piss them off so they don’t speak to me, because I am already rather lonely and am scared of being even lonelier.
It’s all very well saying, go out and find friends (and a boyfriend) who really DESERVE you, but in my experience, these people just don’t exist. Where do you find them? In my experience, you either put up with whatever people are like, and then at least you have some friends and a boyfriend or you have high standards and spend your whole life lonely.
wastedlove
I can sympathise with what you say – I am in my late forties – and I just don’t see how if I couldn’t meet the right man when I was younger and gorgeous (by the way!! :)) and willing and out there, how the hell am I going to meet him now when I am middle aged (nice, but not so gorgeous!); for me, the maths just doesn’t add up, so to speak.
But I refuse to let that negativity (and I do recognise it as exactly that) derail me from dealing with dumping the poor relationship I have been tolerating for years. Yes, I sometimes feel like I will have on my gravestone “Here Lies Fearless – All by herself, but with Principles Intact – Hooray!”.
However, I have never felt marriage was compulsory! And I see now that I was not looking for the right things in a man. I don’t know if it’s too late to correct that but I am willing to keep a very open mind; I don’t see the point now in writing anything off, not just when I feel wiser and more likely to choose well. I would not necessarily be looking for marriage – but loyal and loving companionship, sharing and caring, trust and respect – that is what we all deserve, man or woman, in our close relationships with eachother.
At whatever age, I think that if you are open and emotionally available, who knows what lies ahead. But in these bad realtionships we DO know what lies ahead… it’s more of the same!!
These relationships DO leave you feeling alone and lonely… that is the whole point: in choosing them you are, ironically, choosing what you are complaining lies in front of you if you un-choose them (if that makes sense).
So, if I were to stay in the crap relationship with my EUM, really my gravestone would just read “Here Lies Fearless – All By Herself, and No Principles Intact – boo-hoo!”
Here’s the deal with the AC/EUM/Narc: These guys have nothing to offer you anyway – so they are not actually the big loss we build them up to be!! We bet on the potential -but they don’t have any potential!
They have nothing to sell, but we buy, we pay the bill, with an ever increasing rate of interest, for a non-delivery. So, tell me wastedlove, why would we be wanting to stand in line with our purses open to pay up for f**k all and still be grateful to have a place in the queue?
First step – never be afraid of someone else’s anger. That’s their problem and not yours – don’t take it on. You have a RIGHT to what is important to you – if they can’t respect that – they will try to manipulate it or exploit it. MAJOR RED FLAG!
Good authentic real emotionaly available men DO exist but will not manifest until you are ready and can see the tree in the forest. Practice your vision with clarity. Change what you attract by being what you want. There is a difference between lonely and alone. You can be alone and not lonely – that comes from a positive place. Lonely is a state of mind coming from a negative place. Longing is creative thought – use it wisely to manifest in your world what you want.
Oooooo….. The PARENTS! That’s a hard one to have “boundaries” on. It seems….. that…. we “aren’t supposed to” have boundaries with parents. I have recently began imposing boundaries, and it’s caused a struggle.
The analogy to smoking is brilliant. I realized my assclown male friend who was eroding my self-esteem and sanity was just a habit. Communicating back and forth (always on his terms) was just a habit. A habit that needed to be broken.
I am now two weeks into NC. All he added to my life was drama and control. Certainly no care, concern, respect, or friendship.
I struggled that he has rejected me a thousand different ways over the years. Natalie said in another post once that to overcome the feelings of rejection stop forcing acceptance. So true. NC is tough but necessary to stop caring what these manboys/assclowns/EUms/narcissists do to us.
Went on my first date in over a year this weekend and can you believe it he knows my ex, they work at the same place, didn’t know that when I accepted. All I could think about was the conversation they would have on Monday. My mistake in telling him my ex works there too. I feel bad because he seemed like a really nice guy but I just couldn’t get past my past. And here I thought I was doing so well.
Now as I write this my reaction seems childish and I’m embarrassed for the way I acted, I lied said I didn’t feel good so I could go home early.
Should I give him a call and tell him why I was so standoffish or just let it go??
I didn’t tell him we dated just that I knew someone who worked there too.
I think you’re simply not ready for any complication yet. Even if its been a year, your stomach went into knots the minute you made the work connection with your ex. I can totally relate and it would make me clamp up too. If you felt comfortable with and liked the new guy, I’d say give him another chance, but do not over share just yet, i.e. tell him the real reason for dashing that night. Don’t feel bad, put yourself first.
OMG the movie “Someone like you” with Ashley Judd a tv movie represents many of our situations in one form or the other on this site. This was kind of a hard movie to watch. The guy who befriends Ashley’s character after she gets dumped by her EU or AC boyfriend, gives the same advice as Natalie. He talks to her about living in a fantasy and how she wishes he would come back after she already knows he is unhealthy. He says she thinks that this last guy was her last chance at love. He tells her that she thinks happiness will only strike once but it won’t it will happen again. She says if her theory is wrong about the patterns of men so to speak (almost like our thoughts about EUM’s) then men don’t leave all women they just leave her.
She can’t let go of her situation. She can’t move on. The guy asks why and she says because she was happy and the above quote. He is the Natalie telling her what he said above.
This is how I feel I want to get unstuck because I want to aim, fire and get dating again but I am too stuck. I am stuck that good relationships are for others and that the closest I could get to a relationship was a FWB situation with a guy who didn’t abuse me physically or verbally like all my boyfriends did, only emotional with his EU crap.
He says “we can’t believe a miracle can happen to us twice but it can”.
That makes sense why we hold on so tight to these JackA. We are afraid to let go because we feel we will never have anything again good or bad. We sometimes feel that the bad is better than nothing because the good isn’t going to happen for us. We are all a certain age and it hasn’t happen yet so what is the guarantee that it will. For some on here they have something good and can tell us this isn’t true. For the rest of us we think they are the lucky ones and hope it comes our way but we are scared it won’t. I am speaking for myself and those that seem to share similar stories I can’t speak for all of you.
Of course in the end of the movie the two friends realize they are the one for each other and our lives are going to have that quick easy fix ending.
I guess I have to keep plugging along and figure out how to get unstuck. Right now I just feel this is it for me I am not going to find anything decent, which is my self fulfilling prophecy I am living unfortunately.
@MH read Getting out of Stuck over and over again – just don’t read it – do the worksheets – don’t just read them – write it all out. Writing verse reading uses a different part of the brain. You need to retrain your brain. Formulate it in your own words – get them out of your head and on paper. Things look different when they are starting back at you in black and white.
This is great food for thought in the present and even better for thee future. 🙂
Oops, THE future. 😐 :-/