Reading a comment from Veronica on ‘How to spot emotionally unavailable men’, I felt it was important to address it in a post, because it’s a very good insight into the type of negativity that we carry around with us when we are involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables, and have low self-esteem.

The key thing with misconceptions is that from the moment that you acknowledge that you have the misconception, rather than surrender to it and chug along anyway, you confront the misconception and challenge it, ultimately seeking to replace it with something more positive.

I can assure Veronica and anyone else out there, that if you carry just one negative belief about yourself, love, or relationships, it’s going to screw you up somewhere.

It is true – you get the relationship and the man that reflects what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, and the more excess baggage you push around on your baggage cart, the more painful your experiences are going to be.

Whatever we fear, it’ll come back to bite us. That’s why women who are scared of being ‘abandoned’ often find themselves with men that do just that or do frequent disappearing acts.

When you carry this much stuff around with you, you cater to it like a self-fulfilling prophecy so that you can nod your head in agreement with the negative voices and tell yourself you are right. This means that you don’t change.

Let’s take Veronica’s negativity one by one:

“1. No one will continue to love me after they find out all my flaws.”

Everybody has flaws. ‘All my flaws’ suggests that there is nothing positive about you. The men you date are flawed. If you walk around projecting negativity from yourself,

“2. Relationships and love do not last or continue to be as good after time.”

If you date assclowns and Mr Unavailables, your relationship shoots out fast from the gate and then slows to a gentle canter or a complete halt, or chugs along in fits and starts. Either way, if you place yourself in poor relationships, living in the uncertainty of someone blowing hot, cold, or lukewarm becomes the norm and the relationship does not grow. Poor relationships are without solid foundations. Love grows – you don’t start out with love and then regress and the mistake is taking up with poor relationship companions, starting out superhot and deciding you love them without too much evidence, and then spending the great majority of the relationship wishing he’d be like how he was in the first few weeks, when you’ve already been with him for a year and he’s consistently shown what a dipstick he is.

If you don’t believe in you or love, why bother with a relationship? If you believe they decline over time, you will settle for rubbish because it is all that you expect.

“3. My lover will get bored with me physically and emotionally and I have to perform to keep him.”

No-one is a performing seal and the person who proves that most is the dubious man in the relationship who stops ‘performing’ when stops blowing hot. Relationships are not about the woman performing – there are two people in a relationship who both need to have both feet in. How can a relationship last with this belief? Aside from being bloody exhausting, it’s completely unrealistic and an extremely negative way to view yourself. If you believe he’ll get bored with you, it also says a lot about what you think about his fickle character, which is yet another poor indicator. Learn to speak about yourself in a positive manner. You are an entity in your own right that brings just as much to the table.

“4. If I do not rush into things, the man will get bored and will not continue to pursue me.”

Well this is a crock if ever there was one! If someone is impatient and expects you to ‘rush in’, it’s not a good sign. Speak to any woman who has been involved with an assclown or a Mr Unavailable that rushed her along and effectively put her through an exceptionally hot phase – cold or lukewarm follows after. Excessive pursuing is the sign of an assclown or Mr Unavailable as they’re about extremes – disproportionate attention followed by extremes of inattention. Relationships are not about being pursued like a rabbit with a fox on her tail. Pursuing is very tied up in pre-dating and early stages but it cannot be the basis for an entire relationship. Once it gets past a certain point, you’re both supposed to be in the relationship, not chasing each other around.

“5. All men hype up their feelings in the beginning but they aren’t sincere and do not follow through with their promises and declarations. (Doesn’t matter how much I’m invested because the man will never be as invested as he says he is.)”

Correction – Many assclowns and Mr Unavailables hype up their feelings in the beginning etc. If you keep having the same attitude and fishing from the same pool, you’ll get the same shitty results. The types of men you choose and actively pursue have actions and words contradicting as part of their core behaviour. You wouldn’t be involved with these men if you had a better view of yourself and you’d be meeting different men – not all men are the same. And remember – if you involve yourself in these relationships, it is a sign of your own issues and you’re not actually as invested as you think you are.

“6. Men are in general very fickle and dishonest, and cannot be depended on.”

Again, the types of men you’re interested in and gravitate to because of your own internal messaging are fickle, dishonest, and undependable. They are reflections of your own beliefs.

“7. Love is an obsessive, hyped up, silly, dishonest haze brought upon by heightened hormones and perfect behavior in the beginning.”

Relationships build and grow. Many women focus on the beginning as if that’s supposed to be an indicator of the future and in some respects it is. If the person consistently behaves in a positive way and the relationship grows, the likelihood is that your relationship has prospects. If the person starts one way and becomes another not too soon after, it’s because the beginning is over, they’ve passed the hot phase, and they were never truly that person in the first place. The mistake we make is betting on potential that we think they have based on initial behaviour, rather than recognising that they have consistently behaved in a shitty manner which makes it their consistent character, which means, you need to get out.

“8. No man sticks around unless I behave perfectly in the beginning, or really ever (do they stick around.)”

Again, there is the beginning thing. That doesn’t even make any sense. Would that mean it would be ok to be perfect in the beginning and then not so perfect further down the line? This is the most revealing thing despite it not making any sense because this reflects the core belief about men and relationships , which is:

As long as the guy behaves perfectly in the beginning, I will stick around because it proves that he is this person. It doesn’t matter if he never shows that behaviour again because I know that if he could do that in the beginning, it shows how he really felt because it was when he was pursuing me, and it also shows that he is capable of this behaviour.

Men aren’t some special species that are deserving of being put on a pedestal. Relationships are the sum of two people, not one, and it is impossible to behave perfectly as has been proved time and time again. You are human – give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack, and stop treating men like the sun shines out of their arse – it doesn’t. Put some value on yourself instead of thinking that you need a man beside you seeing you as perfect for your value to exist or increase. More importantly, start realising that if the beginning behaviour doesn’t follow through into a consistent, positive behaviour, you’ve got jack.

Your thoughts? What are your misconceptions? Do you share Veronica’s? What do you now know, that you wished you knew about back then?

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