Reading a comment from Veronica on ‘How to spot emotionally unavailable men’, I felt it was important to address it in a post, because it’s a very good insight into the type of negativity that we carry around with us when we are involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables, and have low self-esteem.
The key thing with misconceptions is that from the moment that you acknowledge that you have the misconception, rather than surrender to it and chug along anyway, you confront the misconception and challenge it, ultimately seeking to replace it with something more positive.
I can assure Veronica and anyone else out there, that if you carry just one negative belief about yourself, love, or relationships, it’s going to screw you up somewhere.
It is true – you get the relationship and the man that reflects what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, and the more excess baggage you push around on your baggage cart, the more painful your experiences are going to be.
Whatever we fear, it’ll come back to bite us. That’s why women who are scared of being ‘abandoned’ often find themselves with men that do just that or do frequent disappearing acts.
When you carry this much stuff around with you, you cater to it like a self-fulfilling prophecy so that you can nod your head in agreement with the negative voices and tell yourself you are right. This means that you don’t change.
Let’s take Veronica’s negativity one by one:
“1. No one will continue to love me after they find out all my flaws.”
Everybody has flaws. ‘All my flaws’ suggests that there is nothing positive about you. The men you date are flawed. If you walk around projecting negativity from yourself,
“2. Relationships and love do not last or continue to be as good after time.”
If you date assclowns and Mr Unavailables, your relationship shoots out fast from the gate and then slows to a gentle canter or a complete halt, or chugs along in fits and starts. Either way, if you place yourself in poor relationships, living in the uncertainty of someone blowing hot, cold, or lukewarm becomes the norm and the relationship does not grow. Poor relationships are without solid foundations. Love grows – you don’t start out with love and then regress and the mistake is taking up with poor relationship companions, starting out superhot and deciding you love them without too much evidence, and then spending the great majority of the relationship wishing he’d be like how he was in the first few weeks, when you’ve already been with him for a year and he’s consistently shown what a dipstick he is.
If you don’t believe in you or love, why bother with a relationship? If you believe they decline over time, you will settle for rubbish because it is all that you expect.
“3. My lover will get bored with me physically and emotionally and I have to perform to keep him.”
No-one is a performing seal and the person who proves that most is the dubious man in the relationship who stops ‘performing’ when stops blowing hot. Relationships are not about the woman performing – there are two people in a relationship who both need to have both feet in. How can a relationship last with this belief? Aside from being bloody exhausting, it’s completely unrealistic and an extremely negative way to view yourself. If you believe he’ll get bored with you, it also says a lot about what you think about his fickle character, which is yet another poor indicator. Learn to speak about yourself in a positive manner. You are an entity in your own right that brings just as much to the table.
“4. If I do not rush into things, the man will get bored and will not continue to pursue me.”
Well this is a crock if ever there was one! If someone is impatient and expects you to ‘rush in’, it’s not a good sign. Speak to any woman who has been involved with an assclown or a Mr Unavailable that rushed her along and effectively put her through an exceptionally hot phase – cold or lukewarm follows after. Excessive pursuing is the sign of an assclown or Mr Unavailable as they’re about extremes – disproportionate attention followed by extremes of inattention. Relationships are not about being pursued like a rabbit with a fox on her tail. Pursuing is very tied up in pre-dating and early stages but it cannot be the basis for an entire relationship. Once it gets past a certain point, you’re both supposed to be in the relationship, not chasing each other around.
“5. All men hype up their feelings in the beginning but they aren’t sincere and do not follow through with their promises and declarations. (Doesn’t matter how much I’m invested because the man will never be as invested as he says he is.)”
Correction – Many assclowns and Mr Unavailables hype up their feelings in the beginning etc. If you keep having the same attitude and fishing from the same pool, you’ll get the same shitty results. The types of men you choose and actively pursue have actions and words contradicting as part of their core behaviour. You wouldn’t be involved with these men if you had a better view of yourself and you’d be meeting different men – not all men are the same. And remember – if you involve yourself in these relationships, it is a sign of your own issues and you’re not actually as invested as you think you are.
“6. Men are in general very fickle and dishonest, and cannot be depended on.”
Again, the types of men you’re interested in and gravitate to because of your own internal messaging are fickle, dishonest, and undependable. They are reflections of your own beliefs.
“7. Love is an obsessive, hyped up, silly, dishonest haze brought upon by heightened hormones and perfect behavior in the beginning.”
Relationships build and grow. Many women focus on the beginning as if that’s supposed to be an indicator of the future and in some respects it is. If the person consistently behaves in a positive way and the relationship grows, the likelihood is that your relationship has prospects. If the person starts one way and becomes another not too soon after, it’s because the beginning is over, they’ve passed the hot phase, and they were never truly that person in the first place. The mistake we make is betting on potential that we think they have based on initial behaviour, rather than recognising that they have consistently behaved in a shitty manner which makes it their consistent character, which means, you need to get out.
“8. No man sticks around unless I behave perfectly in the beginning, or really ever (do they stick around.)”
Again, there is the beginning thing. That doesn’t even make any sense. Would that mean it would be ok to be perfect in the beginning and then not so perfect further down the line? This is the most revealing thing despite it not making any sense because this reflects the core belief about men and relationships , which is:
As long as the guy behaves perfectly in the beginning, I will stick around because it proves that he is this person. It doesn’t matter if he never shows that behaviour again because I know that if he could do that in the beginning, it shows how he really felt because it was when he was pursuing me, and it also shows that he is capable of this behaviour.
Men aren’t some special species that are deserving of being put on a pedestal. Relationships are the sum of two people, not one, and it is impossible to behave perfectly as has been proved time and time again. You are human – give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack, and stop treating men like the sun shines out of their arse – it doesn’t. Put some value on yourself instead of thinking that you need a man beside you seeing you as perfect for your value to exist or increase. More importantly, start realising that if the beginning behaviour doesn’t follow through into a consistent, positive behaviour, you’ve got jack.
Your thoughts? What are your misconceptions? Do you share Veronica’s? What do you now know, that you wished you knew about back then?
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So I have a question: If what I believe about myself I attract to myself or Project on to the world….. how do I change that? If I am attracting these types of men because of my low self esteem and lack of self love…. is that to say that I need to “FIX” myself before I can attract and or project the “right” type of man? I have been in therapy on and off for many years…. Im not sure If I can ever compeletely get rid of my low self esteem. It has improved…and I have learned a lot… but If I want a healthy, nurturing, loving relationship where there is reciprication— but yet– i also have a fear of being abandoned…. how do I overcome that so that I dont attract someone who is going to abandon me?? This is some hard stuff I think…. Or is it also that being with these “types” of men exacerbates these feelings of insecurity, abandonment and low self esteem? Like Ive said before— I feel that I have had a decent level of self esteem (we can all make improvements) but it wasn’t until I dated my first EUM (Ive had two looking back) that I felt they “TRIGGERED” inside of me these feelings even more. Its like— when he didn’t recipricate, or when I learned about the first lie or when I felt that I was giving more than he was…. thats when these feelings started to surface. That’s when I felt clingy and needy and like I was the one that was crazy. Now that I have had some time to see things more objectively and I am getting myself back on track, I feel like myself again. The more confident, less anxious and obsessive and insecure person that I felt I was when I was with him. The person that wasn’t constantly obsessing over someone or constantly trying to make things happen. So is it the type of men that we choose….? Because I felt I was in a good place when I met him. Grant it I need to pay more attention to the red flags and stand my ground on my boundaries (that is what I have learned) but I feel that for the most part– I was happy on my own, had good self esteem UNTIL this EUM came into my life and I felt that HE was the one that made me feel all these things. NML…. could it be that some of us just get unlucky and Come ACROSS these types of men? I would appreciate anyone else’s insight as well.
Looking over my entire relationship history, I realized that I’ve never had an emotionally healthy relationship. I grew up in a home enviornment where I never learned to have self-esteem, confidence or value myself. My mother is 46 and she’s definately where I’ve learned most of my patterns, but I’ve learned some from my father as well, because I realize now he’s definately an EUM. After my parents divorced when I was 7, my mom went on to be in a long string of bad relationships with men that were either addicted to drugs, beat her, or were emotionally unavailable. I grew up trying to get away from those patterns, and still found myself in emotionally unavailable relationships, because after growing up as a child feeling unloved, unvalued I got into relationships with men who exaberted these feelings. It has not been the easiest thing for me, but my last relationship was my ephaniny relationship. Since then I have left my EUM and moved into my own place and basically starting over from scratch in every way. I’m learning to finally value and love myself, make proper connects with people in my life, make new friends and discover what it is that truly makes me happy. I feel lonely everyday and I struggle with all those old feelings of self-worth and love, but that’s so much better than the alternative, which is to jump into another relationship like I used to do and find myself going through the same old cycle. I want my next relationship to be with someone that values me and loves me the way I truly deserved. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on to help me. I’m doing personal counseling and have started attending CODA meetings in my area. Everything is helping but this is a long process that takes time. We didn’t get ourselves here overnight and it’s not going to go away overnight either.
Karen-I too felt that I had done much work on my self-esteem and was in a really good place. I was proud of what I had achieved, got a new job, lost a bunch of weight, working out on a regular basis, getting some prof. help. But then EUM came along, I blew him off so many times because at first I could see right through his games. But then, not sure when it happened but it was “boom”. He kept pursuing and then I said yes to that little bit of attention and from that point on it went down hill. 2 yrs passed before I could step out and see the light and I was journaling every day so that I could pay attn to what I felt, because I was so numb and lived in denial. The guy obsessed about me, and instead of cutting loose, I tried to step in and fix him. Yep, caretaker role. From that point on without me realizing it, things just kept declining fast, all the red flags were there but I chose to ignore them. Just like I chose to ignore my friends, what they said, and family who were concerned.
I kept telling myself I needed to get back to where I was previous to meeting him and I just couldn’t get there. Now, 2 yrs later, 25 lbs heavier, and just joined fitness gym. I’m starting over, I have realized my boss is an EUM and the more I work with him, have to deal with him the harder it is for me. I can’t stand the man, and I can’t stand his behavior, so I’m looking for a new job too. It’s like a bad dream.
I keep telling myself that the most painful part is before change occurs, you know you’re unhappy and are taking all the right steps but the change isn’t happening fast enough. It all happens just when you think you could give up, then there’s that ray of light, that glimpse of hope, a small opportunity and it gets easier from there.
What I meant by “behaving perfectly in the beginning” is that there is a period of time when people are first dating where they’re still deciding if they want to commit. I don’t mean lying and then reverting back later on. I just mean that a person (esp a guy) has to see certain things before he decides to go further. In my experience, a man will choose a woman who maybe lacks in more areas as long as she makes him feel good and brings the least amount of confrontation (and this is with any guy, not just EUMs.) Because the fact is, if a guy (or anyone) can get his needs met with less effort and talking on his part, then he’s probably gonna take it! By confrontation I don’t mean trying to change someone, I am simply referring to talking the various issues out that couples have from time to time. Because, let’s face it, it is a very grown-up, well-adjusted, and RARE man who actually likes/wants to talk anything over. And also in my experience, men are not interested in talking anything over if it’s too soon in the relationship. Of course, it could be that I don’t know how to voice things in the correct way, or the fact that all the men I’ve been with are assclowns! But it really isn’t that I want it this way, it’s just all that I’ve ever known. I’ve never had lasting relationships, even when I had higher self-esteem and had no negative expectations from relationships. There never was anyone there to show me what a healthy relationship is like.
And in the last part of # 8, I said that men never really do stick around. Even if a man does commit, the cheating and divorce rates show that he probably won’t stick around. Look around everywhere and you see that the longer a couple is together the more comfortable they get. Even on mainstream t.v. they make jokes about their partners! The truth is that people do get bored after a while, or we wouldn’t need to read things on how to spice up marriages, etc.
I can identify with what you say Nikki “I feel lonely everyday and I struggle with all those old feelings of self-worth and love”. I feel exactly the same way.
I find it funny now that my xEUM would make comments about his ex(s) needing “drama”. Or he referred to them as crazy. What I think he was hinting was that he planned to do the very same thing to me. I never showed outward signs of neediness but I see now that by accepting certain behavior without calling him out on it or not just dumping him was all the encouragement he needed to stay an “a–clown”. It’s all very sad but I am sooooo glad to at least see the truth behind all my bad relationships….bc it gives me another chance to breathe in life (and lose the clown).
Hi All, It’s been harsh this Christmas but I’ve got past it now, it’s been over 3 months of NC – the longest time – and I’m determined not to get trapped in the prison of my own history – I need you guys with all your wit and wisdom and your immeasurable support, especially Natalie. Onwards and upwards in 2009! X
hi Karen and everyone, Gosh I haven’t posted in a while! Anyway, I still think about my ex-EUM, as much as I hate to admit it, and I haven’t seen or heard from him for close to 9 months now. And we were together for a year and a half. I wonder how long it really takes to recover from these men?
I was going to say though, that probably everyone does run into EUM. But what distinguishes us from other women, is we stay in the relationship when “healthier” women would run. For instance. A few months into my relationship, he confessed he wasn’t really over his last love affair. Well, that woman, who he wasn’t over, was someone who wanted him for money (so he said) and who he hadn’t seen for over a year, at that time. And it had only lasted a few months. Of course I saw the potential and stayed in the relationship. A few months later, he actually spent that new year’s eve with me crying because that was when he and her had broken up. I still stayed. That spring, she sent him a birthday card and he actually left me to see if she’d have him back. he came back to me a few days later telling me she wouldn’t take him back.Did I dump his sorry ass? NO!!! I took him back. We went on a huge trip that summer and when we got back, he told me he wasn’t “head over heels in love with me”… I still stayed and actually he kinda sorta moved in with me. I only was able to end it with him when he refused to commit after my mom died, and he left, saying I had too many problems.
My point is, there were huge opportunities to see this guy was AWFUL but I refused to see them and if I did, refused to act on them. Other women would have been gone a zillion times over. And the worst part is I still think about this man!! There was so much drama, I chased him all over, he felt smothered, he’d run, I’d chase, I felt insecure and unlovable and ….. now a year later, I still think of him!!
I don’t know what it is about us women who fall for these types of guys.
Take care, Wendy
Hi karen,
I have some of the same issues, my mantra when I feel left, is :I don’t abandon myself. I look inward and ask myself what is it I need to make maybelf feel safe, I go to my friends, I ask for hugs and I ask my firiends to tell me I’m wonderful and I count my blessings and look at the world and find the abudance it has given me. And I don’t think abut the negative things I think about the positive things. The minute I saw the first red flag with this latest mistake, I turned inward instead of trying to get ‘him’ I decided to get me out of harms way. To protect me cause he’s not worth an ounce of my love. and it is my love and I choose to give it to people why show me they love me. And I trust that I will be ok, and the right relationship will happen when who ever he is has proven himself to be interested in a healthy supportive growing relationship without drama and negatively.
Strength.
Hope this helps
De 🙂
“Whatever we fear, it’ll come back to bite us.” That’s some pretty incredible timing you’ve got there NML. This is something I’ve been wrestling with again recently. It’s so hard to let go of those old beliefs and I’ve realized that, even though I’ve made huge progress, I’m still dealing with one great big, monster-sized one. I really needed to read this today. Thanks girl!
“….stop treating men like the sun shines out of their arse – it doesn’t. Put some value on yourself instead of thinking that you need a man beside you seeing you as perfect for your value to exist or increase. More importantly, start realising that if the beginning behaviour doesn’t follow through into a consistent, positive behaviour, you’ve got jack.”
This is something that has bothered me about women for years now. So many women treat each other like shit but treat men like gods, acting as if they can’t possibly live life without a man. It pisses me off, actually. There is so much more to life than getting validation from a man…… especially an assclown for that manner.
I will admit to seeing a little bit of myself (just a little bit) in the original commenter. But it’s something that I’m working on. It’s VERY hard, but at least I’m trying. And I’ve come a very long way because anyone who knows me, knows how much worse I used to be. 😉
ph 2072 I hear you..
I think your comment ‘if the beginning behaviour doesn’t follow through into consistent positive behaviour, . your’ve got jack’…I’ll add …abort misssion …bale fast…you can do the three strikes and you’re out red flag test…and don’t give them a reason to try to justify any of it, realize you KNOW and thats enough.!!
Still reading NML… loving every word!!
De
I am starting the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl for the second time. When I first read it I was so wounded and looking for answers that I think I digested what I needed to for that moment. I am less wounded and looking at it with fresh eyes trying to teach myself this time so a EUM never happens to me again.
I too appreciate the comment that if the beginning behaviour dosen’t follow through into consistent positive behaviour….you’ve got jack. There were times when I thought I was crazy because I could not bring that great guy out in him later down the road…. (that is unless I created a situation where he was a bit jealous) People around me saw this great guy at first and they could literally not believe that he had turned into such a toad. So people around me were not supportive of me dropping the relationship. I got the feeling they thought something was wrong with me for being critical of his shitty behaviour. My so called support started to offer excuses for him. That was one of the hardest parts, to hear others explain that he was really busy and that I was too hard on him bla bla bla. They saw his hot pursuit and they watched me fall in love with this clown and no one knew how painful the blowing cold felt.
I’m new to the concept of EU. I’m close friends with a guy who does fit most of this… however I do kinda believe that he is going through a depression instead. Job, finances, things fell apart for him. I can see SOME improvements. He is getting more self-confident. What makes me say he may not really be EU is that he still maintains behaviours such as opening doors, cooking dinner, being conscious of asking if I need a drink, if I’m hot or cold, etc. He’s too stressed to get into a serious relationship? HIS words. He needs to work on his career. HIS words. But calls everyday. Asks how I am. And does listen. But has made it clear that he “stuffs down” emotions about me because he can’t handle getting serious until his career is more settled. Like in a couple of months. Am I kidding myself??
My thoughts and my misconceptions:
Thought I had my epiphany relationship, through therapy and this site, ended relationship. 30 days NC, had erased number, he contacted me and I went back. He was sincere, loving, had a great holiday season with him – then he told me right last week he didn’t mean to hurt me, but met someone he has feelings for, and didn’t have those feelings for me. That didn’t take long, and it was done by text, most cruel breakup method IMO.
To borrow phrase from fellow poster: I’m down the rabbit hole. My misconceptions:
1. If I was beautiful enough, had a perfect body, if I were younger, a man would love and be with me.
2. All good, kind loving men are already married or taken by women who have something I do not.
3. I would rather be alone that settle for someone I have no chemistry with, but the men I am attracted to hurt me, so I need to learn to be alone.
4. I’ve faced my self-esteem issues, tried self-love (briefly), and went back down the dark path. Feels I’m not capable of changing.
I made an appointment with therapist this week, and am constantly reading here, and feel weirdly relieved he is out of my life. I blocked his number today. There is something in me that wants to change, I just feel so tired and drained. Praying for strength. Thanks for article.
I think that for the most part, most men are resitant to the idea of emotional commitment. Throw in a good dose of childhood, a bit of substance abuse and alcohol and there you’ve got an avoidant. Some more extreme than others!!!! as we all know ladies. However I still argue that we as individuals are totally resposible for how we allow thesemen to treat us. That is the difficulty, as we being such wonderful, loving creatures, fall for them very early on. The key is to stay emotionally uninvested and keep looking at the big picture, because even at the begining men like this mess up, but they are quick of the mark to rectify questionable behaviour, so in fact a proportion of them know their doing it without much promting and its because we keep saying ‘ok’ that they slip further and further into disrespectable awful behaviour. In the end we are left emotionally wrecked. Like Dianna says, people will always critisis us for making what they see as a hasty decision, but in truth we all have crap thrown at us everyday and yeah we’ll probably not be to brilliant ourselves, but we get it together fast, because we value what we have and know that if we dont pull our heads out arses then people are gonna start walking away. I broke up with an addict, and I was torn, do I stand by him or not but I also went to meetings myself with him and something I heard always stayed with me, A recovering addict will make the same mistakes as when he was using, and thats ok, cos we all balls up, however it is not ok to keep others hanging on. I know 12 step meetings are not a hot bed of mental health, but I heard it loud and clear, my partner obviously did not, so in my mind if other people as ill as my partner where dont allow such crap, why should you. Its about not second guessing yourself, your friends dont have to live with it and as I learnt his friends, co-dependants are there to understand, not you, they if they have anything about them they will evetually put him right, either by not putting up with crap themselves or actually telling them. As partners we want to have a nice time, go out spend quality time with them, if they go into melt down because they spent more than 3 days in a row with you, and can see their lives ‘mapped out for them’ then they have problems. A friend once asked me ‘ why I bailed out on someone with such huge problems, was’nt it my job as his girlfiend to stand by him?’ I then responded ‘ I have, but you know what I dont see any rings on my fingers, he hasnt made any such life commitments to me, why should I slogg my guts out as if he had.’ at the end of the day if you’ve spent 6months+ standing by someone and supporting them and understanding them (NOT NAGGING) they know what your about and they know how great you are, they know in their hearts that leaving them was the only option. Rember these guys are not stupid they are manipulative, of course most people think the sun shines outta their arses thats what they do! they’ve made a career outta it. Walk away, with your held held high. It was your problem not your friends. Just walk away with dignity not screaming and ranting. Walk away knowing you loved them, it doesnt matter if they get it or not, you do, you have nothing to prove to them anymore.
Dianna, unfortunately what you’re dealing with is an EUM, despite the fact that he’s nice and seems to be caring towards you. Not all EUM are assclowns, but quite a large number of them are. I’d definately listen to what it is he’s saying to you and run.
Michelle, my heart is with you, because I know exactly how you’re feeling. My ex-EUM is moving on with his life and doing all the things that I used to want him to do with me, to spend time with me, with other women. It’s not because you lack in the sense that you think. The only thing that is really lacking is your self-esteem. I realize that now. That’s why it always seems like other women have something so much more than me. That something much more is self-esteem, not looks or perfect body, hair or something superficial. Please try self-love again, but really try. We’re all here committing to ourselves to really truly learn how to love ourselves, so please keep coming back and we will keep encouraging you as well. The reason why you feel so relieved is because deep down inside as NML says, you knew some of your boundaries were being walked all over, and it’s relief because inside you knew this guy wasn’t that great for you. This is no easy task ladies, but in 2009 we can all band together and help each other.
Dianne- his kidding himself honey, if he thinks his gonna be ok when his’careers settled down’ He has got commitment issues babe, if he didnt wild horses would’nt keep him from settling down. His issues, not you, beautiful you. Move away honey as painful as it is. He”ll either get it or not, but dont wait you have life to live and you deserve to live happily and at peace.
So, after 3 months of no contact (at my request), my long distance EUM (who can be a nice guy like Diana’s) got back in touch ( I had his e-mail blocked, he called) telling me how he missed me and understood me needing time, but really wanted to talk. So, I took his phone call this morning and we had a nice conversation and talked about the relationship and how much he missed me, cared about me, blah, blah, blah. (I wasn’t quite as vocal about that since, in truth, it was a relief not to talk to him for those months). I must say, I thought the conversation was really productive…at least until I just found out about the woman he’s been seeing for the last 3 years. It’s so wierd, I always suspected it, but couldn’t quite prove it…until today. (I found out because I was checking something on a website he asked me to look at unrelated…I guess he didn’t think I was smart enough to use some deductive skills and figure it out.) Anyway, I’m completely done with him. He’s already e-mailed me this morning (block was off–my bad) to thank me and again tell me how much he misses me and is so glad we’re back in contact. Ugh! I’m dropping off the planet now…no reply, no responses to any new phone calls. Just want to be sure, am I doing the right thing just walking away with no explanation? It certainly feels right!!! Thank goodness this is the end–too many years, too much wasted time!!
Wow ARulesGirl~ I really needed to hear that for myself today “but dont wait you have life to live and you deserve to live happily and at peace.” I am all over the board mentally today because I’m trying to rationalize why I “can” see him and not be affected. The problem is I will be affected….I’m already affected because I’m not dealing well with thoughts about him. 3 weeks NC and it’s driving me crazy because I’m on pins and needles wondering if he’s randomly going to text when I’m not expecting it (Note= he texts not calls….asks impersonal questions….not anything to get emotionally distraught about). What the hell is wrong with me?!
Dianne – doesn’t matter what the excuse for being emotionally unavailable is — job, depression, cat ran away, etc — it’s still just the same end result – emotionally unavailable. Whether they are total a-holes or kind of nice guys with issues, It’s clear that most of these guys come from some damaged place, so there is always potential to give them leeway to not commit and to coddle their feelings because we are sympathetic. This is the wrong approach, however – because making excuses and accepting less than what you need for any amount of time with a vague promise of a brighter future is just going to take you down a dark, unhappy path that has nothing in common with what you have in your imagination. You can feel bad for this guy if he’s depressed, but let him go – he has clearly said that he does not want to be in a relationship, and “not now” might as well mean not ever because someone that wanted a relationship with you would never want to wait for some mystery future time to come. You can’t sit there and wait like a book on a shelf. You have a life to lead and happiness of your own to persue. He’s a grown man – he’ll be fine without your sympathy and understanding.
I just want to thank you BBP for your post!
I am also new to this EUM thing, and you said it so clearly and succinctly, that I instantly understood where I am going wrong. I’m with a very nice EUM which makes it all the more difficult to finally take the leap and *sigh* … let go.
Thanks also to everyone here for sharing your stories. You’ve all helped in your own, unique way.
G x
Michelle, I wish you the best! Let me start off by saying: It is very good that all of us on this site making an effort to improve. I also admire Michelle’s courage to put herself out there and admit her misconceptions, which is what I was trying to do with the list (above in this post.) I posted the list because I wanted to be aware of my issues and thought it was the best place to start. I want to have hope that there is better out there. I wanted advice on how to make things better. I didn’t need people telling me how wrong it is. I realize that every man is not an EUM- I think.
Not to be offensive, but a lot of these comments seem to be just pointing out what everyone else is doing wrong, when I know y’all have some f***ed up issues too or you wouldn’t be on here. How long have some of you been on here? Has any of this started to change anything really? When does it all start making sense? Because I know some really weird people with quite a bit of issues who have lasting relationships who are supposedly happy. Everyone has issues.
I just don’t get it. I’ve been a busy person; had lots of things positive going for me. I did things I loved, thought I had self confidence, but the same types of men still found me. And I just really don’t think it’s because of poor self-esteem. I have a few things I’d like to change, but so does everyone- that’s life. NML says only one negative thought changes things, but everyone has at least one negative thought or fear. I don’t think I have a bad opinion of myself. I like who I am. It’s just that bad things happened so much I expect it now. I don’t feel I need a man, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone the rest of my life. And I know I deserve more in relationships, which is why my relationships don’t make it beyond 2-3 months (and most I don’t have sex with, so that’s not a problem.) As soon as they start to go cold or act badly, I’ll mention my concern, but if they don’t act better, that’s it. I know the red flags now, so I can avoid EUM’s from the get-go, but there still aren’t good men coming into my life.
I guess I just have to fill my life to the brim with activities, be insanely happy, and not even think about relationships.. idk..
Veronica, you said “I don’t think I have a bad opinion of myself. I like who I am. It’s just that bad things happened so much I expect it now. I don’t feel I need a man, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone the rest of my life.” In just those few words you contradicted yourself. No one is here to pick on you, least of all NML. She just happened to pick your comment and it could have easily been any one else’s so please don’t feel like it was deliberate. You just idenitified a bad opinion about yourself when you said that “bad things happen so much I expect it now”. That is you telling yourself and the universe that this is all you deserve, you’re sending that out there. Unfortunately you might now see it that way, but it’s obvious that there is some self-esteem issues there, but that’s ok, because you’re working on it and getting better everyday. What NML is making clear is that these guys just don’t find us if we didn’t have these issues ourselves. People attract like people. Also you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t need a man so the waifs and stragglers of the dating world attract to you since you don’t really want a man anyways. This is the stuff that NML has been talking about to ALL of US, not just you. No one here is perfect and we’re all learning this stuff and learning ourselves, but your comments because a perfect post, because it was a good example to others on how important it is to change your mindset it wasn’t meant to be a personal attack on you.
Also I forgot to add that that’s how it is here. We all show love and support for each other, but we also hold each other accountable for our actions and the poor self-imagine we have of ourselves. Some times others can see it through our words and we’ll call each other out on it, but it’s in complete love and honest help to help each other see where things are tripping us up. It’s a lot harder to take an examing mirror up to yourself if the mirror is full of smoke. This site is designed to clear the smoke so we can finally see our selves clearly. Once we start doing so it can be very painful, and some lash out at others rather than face the truth in the mirror. It’s another reason we’ve gotten into these EU relationships to begin with. It’s a means of avoiding getting real and honest with ourselves. NML is right. This walk of self-love is not an easy task.
Thank you Nikki and Veronica for encouraging posts. I will keep coming back here, these (our) stories and support of each other is important.
I want to believe I can change and learn self-love, it seems possible for us all (look at the successes here on this site!), just much harder work than I had imagined. One day at a time.
It seems I am a little late coming to the party on my own site! I clearly missed the bit where I was being accused of picking on Veronica.
Veronica, you placed a comment on the site and like other comments and numerous emails that have been sent to me, I highlighted it. It’s not to pick on you – it is to explain how misconceptions can fuel a poor relationship.
I didn’t write that comment or make it up because obviously if I had, I could take responsibility for the things that were said – I’m not sure how you posting a comment that you didn’t have to post became about everyone else being effed up and suggesting that you’ve been told how wrong you are.
I have made no secret of my honesty on this site – people don’t come here for me to blow smoke up their arses and tell them that everything they do is right and to carry on anyway. Why, would I choose you, as one person out of many thousands who have visited and suddenly say, oh ok, I’ll just totally backtrack on who I am and this site and tell her that everything she’s saying is right and noone can blame her for feeling how she does?
And let me make clear – I am not picking on you now Veronica – you asked for help and I’m giving you honest help – you can choose to ignore it – that is totally your choice but take responsibility for the fact that you did say those things and I didn’t force you to leave a comment. You cannot control what people say and don’t say. Nobody knows who you are. You could just as easily be Veronica down the street from me as you could be millions of miles away. If you didn’t want anyone to comment on what you had said, you shouldn’t have left a comment.
I read through the comments and not *one* person has told YOU that what you were doing is wrong. In fact, all spoke about their own experiences which means you have a problem with ME.
metsgurl=Its a bit of shock when someone says they dont want you, its truly the worst kind of heartach ever, every woman on this post will vouch for that, but sometimes it aint the person he is rejecting, its the situation, sometimes its easy to take all of this personally. Men cant multi-task, deal with 2 emotions at time, not an excuse for shit behavior. They bin everything out including you, just to make it ok, it wont get better, but hey they go round and round in circles making excuses, until ‘PING’ a light goes on ‘oh shit its me’ but that time aint come with the guys youre all in love with and maybe it wont in the lifetime of that love you hold for them. And in fairness even if it did, why should anyone get away with the awfulness of said behaviour. like nml says its the things he’s done that you should be concentrating on, the heartache his crappy behaviour has caused you. Im sending you a hug.
Am I right, or is this site about empowerment, empowering you to be able to leave unhealthy relationships. The above post is about exactly what we all have done and do, rationalising misconceptions into a positive. I didnt see in the post by NML any reason to take it personally, only to start taking notice of our own behavior and how in the end it can lead to our own demise.
Veronica – I actually had such a great “ah hah” moment from your original post with your list of misconceptions that I mentioned it to my therapist and she asked me to bring in a list of my own.
ARulesGirl2theEnd ~ actually it’s me thats not responding to his texts and I’m fighting off the total co-dependent need to coddle the man….but I think I know what you were referring to. Thanks for the hug =)
Very empowering to hear what I know is the truth, thanks everyone for the kind and truthful words. I have been doing amazing work with self esteem issues over the past 2 years. My friends can’t believe the changes they see. But obviously I am still dragging around something if I am attracting an EUM. Which is more than a little discouraging. But I will keep working on it. This EUM came as a shock to me. I;ll be off and on, I’m sure, trying to learn more.
Thank you sincerely!
When i first found this site almost one year ago I was like a blind person walking out in front of cars that were blowing there horns and not slowing down, blind siding me. The first few nights I read the posts I cried because finally I had found a place where I got answers and people were talking about the thing that has been crushing me all my life. One year on and I’m wiser cause I take in what everyone sais because I know its from the heart. We all want to grow and get good at looking after ourselves. Small steps (and walking on the side-walk 🙂 are better than no steps.
Thank you NML
rulesgirltotheend – brilliant posts!! my ex eum also used to freak out if he spent more than 3 days on the trot with me – he couldnt handle things actually going ok & would look for things to pick on to sabboatage the relationship – usually it would start with him saying he needed space & accusing me of me being controlling because I e-mailed to him to say have a nice day!!! he ciould twist & manipulate the most simple situation to manage down my expectations & make me feel bad, I was constantly treading in eggshells – you hit the nail on the head with the multi-tasking too! mine would have a meltdown because things were not going right with his business & always take it out on me, it was ALWAYS my fault – he would scream at me that he ‘just couldnt do both’ -he just couldnt be in a relationship, the amount of times he ended our relationship on these terms became a joke, I used to beg & plead & cry my eyes out, I was a wreck, he then had me accepting the relationship on his terms – any terms!!! all my boundaries were gone – im still struggling everyday & tried nc about 5 times now in the last 6 months!(he always contacts me & manipulates his way back in) but i am learning a bit more everyday & know eventually – I will get there!!
Okay Ladies,
Here is something to lighten up the night, a friend of mine just sent me this GREAT Olivia Newton John song/clip, keep it and remember it as a theme song, it will make you smile!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WNO7PVr_N4
Have fun….Gail
Veronica, nobody is picking on you, especially not NML!!
She made a great posts about your concerns and beliefs and this will be hepful for a lot of people. Great honest advice and that is what I love about her. She helped me in early 08, opened my eyes and I am on a better path because of that.
Try not to be discouraged, Dianna. It sounds like you’ve grown tremendously in the past couple of years, and you should be very proud of that. Often, I’ve found that life/the Universe/whatever you want to call it keeps bringing around the same lesson, in one shape or another, until you’ve really, truly learned it. Almost like it’s saying, “Are you sure you’re done with this? Really??” Until you are. In a sense, you’re attracting exactly what you need to continue growing past a particular issue. Even though it can feel totally frustrating (I know!), you’re on your way to getting what you need and deserve. Making the right choice for yourself in this situation is one more step closer to that.
I think it’s right that if we carry one or more negative beliefs about ourselves or relationships it will trip us up somewhere. We’ll have to face it. This is true for everyone. We all have issues, but the issues many of us here have in common lead us to engage in quote-unquote relationships with EUMs or jerks. That is the key, and the purpose for this site. It’s great that everyone here can be so open about it and offer each other support, honest insight, and tough love when needed. Since we can’t (and shouldn’t) control the behavior of anyone else, the best we can do is look at and take responsibility for our own behavior, remove ourselves from hurtful situations, and work on truly knowing ourselves so we can grow to see our own value, flaws and all. This is what leads you to trust in your own ability to treat yourself with care and to protect yourself from unhealthy relationships from the get-go. That’s what I take from a post like this.
Gail…Hahaha nice vid!!
For you Gail, a must watch vid!! thanks for reminding us to lighten up and remember to laugh!
Ok girls this video helped me find my hunour a while back and it’s one of my favourites ever..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnePK7nUNfg
Just so you know it has some bad language but I hope you can handle some hard core fun. I love these gals!
De
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnePK7nUNfg
De,
Graphic but cute…there are people and things out there that can make you laugh, even on a bad day…..Gail
I think the worst part for me was when the dust settled and I was 2 weeks into no contact. When each day would come and go and he hadn’t tried to get ahold of me at all it made me realize that this whole “relationship” was all me. When I took me out of the equation there was nothing left. It was kind of bittersweet though because it was a total reality check and it made me wonder at what point did he slip out the back door without me noticing. But then, I decided that he was never really there at all.
I didn’t mean I was being picked on!!! I meant that I just wanted tips on how to better my misconceptions. As far as talking about what we’re doing wrong, I meant everyone that comments on one another points out what we’re doing wrong, but nothing’s said about how to get rid of misconceptions. I wasn’t saying ANYONE WAS PICKING ON ANYONE. And obviously we all have issues or we wouldn’t be here is what I mean!
It’s good that we’re here to give each other reality checks and help each other realize when a man is an assclown and treating us poorly. It’s good to have support when we “fall off the wagon” so to speak. When I say negative comments, I mean it doesn’t seem proactive- like advice on how to reverse misconceptions, how to find better men (not just how to spot EUMs), exercises or whatever on how to maintain a healthy relationship without letting our fears ruin it…???
And I didn’t mean my comment as an insult. I enjoy all of your insights and do find them helpful, especially you NML. I guess I just don’t see how improving myself is connected with how another person behaves. Like I said, I had good self esteem, was doing lots of things, but still attracted men who wanted to use me. I don’t stay with guys who behave poorly, so it’s not like I accept it or think I deserve it…. idk… Maybe I do make it happen somehow because I don’t know what a healthy/positive relationship is like in order to project that energy forth? I didn’t have a father-figure or examples of healthy relationships to base anything on.
So what are the healthy patterns? How often should people in a relationship talk if not everyday? If EUMs rush you into things, what are the normal/healthy time frames? How can I stop getting attached to men so quickly? How do I voice my desires to men so that I’m not freaking them out/making them shut off?
Veronica, I’ll share a story with you.
I used to talk to this guy. It’s a somewhat weird story, but suffice it to say that we kinda knew each other in college. After college, he moved to Japan for 3 years. Every once in a while I’d see him on chat and say what’s up. Well, when he returned home, about a month later he got online (we didn’t chat much because he was just an acquaintance). He said he wanted to meet up. Cool.
So we met up and after a while I guess he began liking me. Based on his history (mostly Asian women) I was surprised that he liked me. After a while, I began liking him too. He was kinda weird, but he was very intelligent and exposed me to a few new things like chess and certain restaurants. He took me on an amazing date (one I still appreciate even now) and things kinda went from there.
He was a fast mover, but I kinda slowed him down because I’m the exact opposite. But once he got me swept up it was hard to stop. We made it official toward the end of January.
And then he called it quits 2 weeks later, conveniently right before Valentine’s Day.
He claimed that things were moving too fast yet HE was the one who insisted. I was FURIOUS but said “Fuck you and goodbye.” See, I’m VERY QUICK to walk away and therefore am VERY good with the no contact rule. We no longer speak.
My best friend found this article a couple months later about this phenomenon amongst men; the article referred to the men as “runners”. She gave it to me and it basically described the guy to a T. Runners are pretty much like what NML calls the EUM. They like you, they wax real hot in the beginning, then all of a sudden they run quick fast and in a hurry.
In MY opinion (I don’t speak for everyone else), a healthy relationship develops over time. Over time for me is at LEAST 2-3 months and even then it takes longer to get to know me. Over time varies from person to person; however, if you meet the man and he’s in love with you 2 weeks later and you’re moving in with him 2 weeks after that….. then that might not be too healthy. And you REALLY DO NOT have to have sex with the man by the 3rd date.
How often people talk in a relationship varies from person to person. If it’s long distance, it might be a little more often. But whether it’s close in proximity or long distance, the key is to have your OWN life and not drop your life just because he calls. Hell, you don’t even have to answer his calls every single time he calls.
As far as voicing desires, I would suggest holding off on that for a while. It may take some restraint, but force yourself to do it. You MUST play it cool with these men…. actually, ALL men.
Just sharing my rambling story. Hope it helps. And by the way, I too am a rules girl to the end (sometimes to a fault LOL).
Veronica,
Your life story is a familiar story to me as I have had the same experience in my family. While the family life and experience may be a bit different for me, the theme that I can associate with your story and mine is “you didn’t have a father figure” and “examples of a healthy reglationship” growing up, so How Would you know how to set boundaries and what they are? I didn’t.
Since you say that you have boundaries but are getting the same results with men, I have ask, have you dealt with the issues you mentioned?
Just this morning in my weekly seession with my Life Coach, I was we were discussing this same issue and how it affected my life, until I started dealing with it, talking about it, working it out and realizing how much it really did affect my choices and the impact it made on me with respect to boundaries and the relationships I’ve had. I had no boundaries per se, as I have said in previous posts. Although You may have them, not dealing with your family issues could impede the process of meeting the right man. For me, my family issues are more than likely deeper than yours, but similar in that my father wasn’t there for me emotionally, never told me he loved me, let alone showed any form of physical affection except superficially. This resulted in me smothering men and the only reason for me to be with them was to be hugged and receive some sort of affection, no matter how it came. When they treated me poorly and left, that felt normal too, that was what I was use to.
Until 2 months ago Veronica, I had 3 boundaries and as I also mentioned in a previous post. Today I have many that are forming based on Really dealing with my issues, doing the hard work (it’s painful) and now forming a long list of boundaries that I now understand and am implementing in my daily life.
How have I gotten here. Believe me, I have spent thousands of dollars and hours with therapists, psychiatrists and coaches dealing with all this but never really felt comfortable enough with any of them to bear my soul. I finally found someone I can trust, spill my guts to, process all of it and make room for the good stuff to come. I can tell you, until you do this (if you haven’t already) , as NML says:
” if you carry just one negative belief about yourself, love, or relationships, it’s going to screw you up somewhere”…….Gail
Veronica,
I left something out and wanted to add (if you haven’t already), do it!…as NML says:
you have the rest….Gail
No we cant control how other people behave, we cant control other people, places or things. We cant fix it, recognise men have problems issues when they surface, dont think ‘he said he loved me, I should stay and help him be a better perso’ if he wants to be a better person he will sort it out, if he doesnt, ok, if he has no personal insight, go! he’s not your child, where you point him in the right direction. Consequences of your actions are the best lesson anyone will learn, children get second chances, grown ups should know better, they dont especially if it involves your heart.
Thank you ph2072, Gail, and RulesGirl2theEnd! I’m just struggling with this whole issue… I’m not supposed to take blame for the man’s issues and his leaving, but yet I draw these men- so it is my fault???… I need a life coach. How are they different from therapists, or are they?
Good morning Veronica,
This is a No-Fault situation. As Natalie has said in her book and and on many posts, like attracts like. So with that said “if you carry just One negative belief about yourself, love or relationships, it’s going to screw you up somewhere”, period.
With said, dealing with your personal issues helps you set and understand boundaries particularly if you’ve had none.
I had to deal with the fact that I was EU as well and therefore I attracted the same time of men. Understanding your issues and how they contribute to your misconceptions coupled with this awesome site, the women and men on it and Natalie’s book I believe, will change how you live and perceive what you think about yourself. All of this has definitely changed my life in a very short period, 2 months, but it’s a work in progress and hard work.
As far as a difference between a life coach and therapists. Therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists have Doctorate degrees or advanced degrees and are trained to deal with text book situations. I never felt comfortable with any of them, too many medical terms.
A life coach on the other hand, leads by experience. I have had a couple of those too, one for my career and a couple to try to deal with my personal issues. I kept looking and found mine to help me understand why I was continually getting into toxic relationships. Again, I have come a long way in the past 2 months thanks to whom I consider as my life coach and I found her right her right here, Natalie.
I can tell you, it has been life changing. If you need a life coach, maybe you should contact her to find out more…..Gail
ph2072- Im a rules girl, and what you say hits in on the head. I learnt that the hotter they got, the cooler I got. Some say games I say ‘self preservation’ if they get it they’ll treat you with love and respect and in the case of my husband who had quite alot of personal insight, he told me I could trust him. I let all the anguish of a previous relationship go, took his hand and let him lead me.
…but with my boundaries, still up. Just because they say you can trust them, they should still be in place.
The above two posts are mine, my hubby blogged earlier. MEN!!!
…. Or is it also that being with these “types†of men exacerbates these feelings of insecurity, abandonment and low self esteem? Like Ive said before— I feel that I have had a decent level of self esteem (we can all make improvements) but it wasn’t until I dated my first EUM (Ive had two looking back) that I felt they “TRIGGERED†inside of me these feelings even more. Its like— when he didn’t recipricate, or when I learned about the first lie or when I felt that I was giving more than he was….
I can identify with a lot of what Karen wrote in her post above. This relationship was my first (and my last) with an EUM. I started to doubt myself and feel insecure because he wasn’t treating me right. Did I do something wrong? I’d never had this happen to me before, so maybe it was me. Now I know better.
Just because my EUM doesn’t not love me doesn’t mean that I am unloveable.
Just because he does not value me does not mean that I am worthless.
Just because he did not want me doesn’t mean that no one else will.
I had to keep saying this to myself over and over so as not to become stuck in a swamp of insecurity and self-loathing. I reminded myself of the healthy relationships that I have had over the years with my family, friends and other men. I have forgiven myself for making the mistake of staying with Twatman for so long. But I will never forget how he treated me and how I felt. I will never tolerate rubbish under the guise of love again. Ever.
I just recently realised by bf is an EUM. I’m accepting that, and I have been reading a lot of info on this site. I do now know that I need to break up with this guy. Any advice on how to do this? I’ve read that NC will make them blow “hot”, etc. It’s not a BAD situation at this time, he just isn’t affectionate enough, is always “tired” and always has “job stress” going on and I no longer believe the false promises that things will get better in time. I understand now that it won’t. I want affection, and to have feelings returned, not spend time with someone who is emotionless. I guess I was really confused because he does do nice things, calls everyday, just isn’t “there” emotionally. Do I bring this up or is it better to just say “sorry…it’s not working for me”… and then cut all contact? Advice?
If I’m an EUW and he is an EUM, why not just dabble for the fun of it?
I am just TOTALLY throwing this out there. Have not contacted (or heard from) my EUM since the “Facebook” debacle, and have NO desire to, but as I don’t want an relship with him anyway (though I have stronger feelings for him than vice-versa) what would be so wrong in responding to him if he contacted? Just to say hi?
Having said that, it usually ends up in a one sided booty call with some nice conversation. Sometimes that is enough for me…or I convince myself it’s worth it, for the nice conversation part, because i DO like talking to him…
Honestly, just musing here. I’m sure lots of therapy is in order.
But if neither of us wants anything (I’m CERTAINLY not ready for a relationship with ANYONE and feel I might never be) then why isn’t it okay to stay in touch?
blackgnat:
Because somehow or another, he’ll drag you back in deeper. That’s the game they play. They’re clever assclowns.
Blackgnat: Don’t you or wouldn’t you want to heal your EU problem so that the EUMen stop being of interest to you? If you don’t change, or fix yourself than you cannot expect anything more than you are projecting outward. You’ll always select EUM’s because they will mirror you and your insecurities.
If you don’t want to change that’s OK. Just realize that your life will continue with EUM’s – assclowns as long you keep up your own EU behavior. Like attracts like, misery loves company, no matter how you slice and dice it you’ll come up empty. I think the emptiness is your responsibility to heal/fix/fill, not someone elses.
And ph2072 is right, you’ll just get in deeper and deeper.
blackgnat, how much more can this man do to you? How low do you really want to sink? Where is your pride or dignity for crying out loud, you are even less than a doormat.
Have you not chased long enough, aren’t you tired?
Astelle, I’m not chasing him any more. I have truly looked into my heart and there is nothing there for him. It’s like after I felt such intial agony (of course, brought on by the latest round of contact with him-why expect a different outcome?!) I’ve been thinking it all through and for whatever reason, the scales thave fallen away from my eyes. It sounds fake, but I just feel CURED!. I’m sure it has a lot to do with my reading of the site and the advice given here. Maybe it’s my “A-HA” moment?
It was a general question, maybe one designed to get a reaction (!) Or maybe it’s rhetorical? I didn’t mean to make it pertain to my EUM. More of a “What would happen if….”
….and thanks ph2072 and BWOH for your answers (and to you, Astelle!) because I think that there is something really so deep about my own emotional unavailability that it’ll never be cured. I just got out of a 22 year marriage (we were separated for 4 years before the divorce became final) and I think there’s just a big old hole in my heart that nobody can fill. My ex was also EU, but I never really realised it, or I didn’t realise that I was, too .By the time we had ignored those feelings, it was too late to fix. We just kind of lead parallel lives and thought that it was the best that marriage could bring. We still get along very well, but that was probably all there was to it in the first place.
I just get scared that I have been forever damaged and if I meet someone nice (though I have zero interest) then I won’t be able to feel anything sincere for them beyond a certain point. It’s really scary ,because I am a loving person.
I think I just don’t trust men anymore and I don’t want to be bitter and twisted, which is why I was posing the hypothetical scenario of what would happen to women like me. CAN I be changed? It seems too massive a hurdle to overcome.
Anyone felt like me and was able to love again?
BG,
I think you can change if you want to address you issues. Why don’t you see someone professionally?
I want to clarify that the closest I can relate my EUM experience to is to Astelle’s (specifically NML’s posts to her situation)
He and I never dated, we would go out in big groups or be at parties together, or I would go over to his house for sex, but we never did things as a couple. He never told me he loved me ,etc, as so many other women have experienced here. Made it pretty clear he wasn’t available to one woman exclusively, so it’s not really like I was promised anything.
It was my projections and assumptions that created a lot of the drama. Of course, he DID pursue me very hotly at one time and then have me as flavor of the month kind of situation. And we fought and re-connected many times, with him saying sorry and saying some very deep and loving things about me.
But I am not sure that my experience didn’t say everything about me as an EUW. I just didn’t know I was one.
Hope this is making sense….
Gaynor, that is something I have been thinking of. Im not sure what type of therapist to go to, though-is it a matter of trial and error when one goes to a therapist? Are there people trained in this specific kind of problem, or does it all fall under a general “blanket”?
Please tell me, if anyone knows! Do I go to a Clinical Social Worker or a pyschologist or a psychiatrist or what?
Thanks in advance!
I don’t know. The only type of counseling I am seeking if for cancer (brother).
Rules recommended the 12 step program and Nikki recommended a program for co-dependents-don’t know if this is applicable to you? Have you done any research on the Internet to see who may specialize in this field.
blackgnat, check this out:
http://www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/
I believe you would benefit from Psychotherapy.
Thank you so much, Astelle-I read it and it seems like that’s just what I’d need.
I will look into my local providers asap and try to get to the bottom of this madness!
On Friday, I broke up with my boyfriend. Not the best timing, as he has friends from out of town staying with him for a week. So it’s not like we can “talk” about this stuff, he’s pretty busy playing host.
Bottom line… I’m trying very hard to NOT contact him. I need to make a clean break and I’m feeling very anxious, edgy, and can’t stop thinking about whether or not we could “work this out”. We can’t. He won’t change. He’s not emotionally available. At all. Just looking for some kind words here… tell me again why I need to let this go? I’m heartbroken. I’d take him back in a second. I know if I called him he would jump right in.
Ugh. This sucks.
Dianna- Seems like in your head you know what’s best, but your heart/emotions are still clinging to what you want the relationship to be. Not what it actually is. Take the next steps and begin figuring out what YOU need to be happy, or the next steps you need to take to get past the anxiety, edgy feelings. For starters download NML’s book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
If you know he’s an assclown, he’ll always be an assclown. He will not change, you are the one responsible for making a life changing decision for yourself, you deserve more than this guy can give. Don’t short change yourself, because you are hung up on some fantasy of him or how you would like the relationship to be or to work. He doesn’t see it your way, he doesn’t think like you do. Cut the cord now.
Best of luck.