emotional availability Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

‘Why am I with an emotionally unavailable person?’ Identify who you’re competing with

January 26, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

While some people openly admit to being competitive, I’ve often found that many people who are, don’t see themselves in that way. Because they’re perfectionists, people pleasers and often prone to comparison, self-criticism and highlighting how they’re not ‘good enough’, they don’t regard themselves as having or showing a strong desire to be more successful than others. It’s like, I’m not getting what I want so how can I be competitive? This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you’ve wondered, Why am I with an emotionally unavailable person?, the answer to this lies in acknowledging that you’re competing with someone or something.

In my first book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain that the ‘fallback’ is the person who takes the passenger role in the relationship and who allows the other party to default to or fall back on them for sex, a shoulder to lean on, an ego stroke and basically anything else that involves sacrificing their needs. Which role we take up and the type of unavailable relationship, provide clues about who/what we’re competing with. Note: while the book was originally for women, men can be in any of these roles plus these dynamics apply in same-sex relationships.

The Yo-Yo Girl competes with the next partner.

Going back and forth with someone who cant break, won’t break but also isn’t committing to a relationship, is about competing to see if we still have the power to draw the person back. Even if it means remaining in an unworkable situation, we want to be the best at it.

The Buffer competes with the ex(es).

We strive to be better than their ex so that they will choose us to move their affections to. We make ourselves indispensable, try to figure out how to be different to the ex in the areas where we think they went wrong, or we try to be as good as or better in areas where we compare ourselves. Sometimes we choose someone whose ex represents what we feel insecure about. We then try to feel superior with something we value ourselves for (e.g. intelligence, success) while also wanting validation about what we criticise or doubt ourselves for. Yeah, messy.

Podcast Ep. 97: Focus On You – Want A Relationship? Be Prepared To Say No To The Distractions

September 29, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I’m delving into what has fast become one of my favourite topics–being discerning. In order for us to become more of who we really are, to become available for the relationships and opportunities that we want, and to yes, clear some of the baggage from the past that we’re carrying around, we have to exercise good judgment and that means reducing distractions and being discerning by becoming more mindful about what we say yes to.

I cover:

>> How getting distracted at, for example, work, by people who ask us, “Got a minute?” or “Can I pick your brain?’ is like when we date people who we know are not suitable for us or who we’re not even interested in.

>> Why, yes, we often know that we need to reduce distractions in order to focus but that deep down we may be afraid of focusing because we’re afraid of committing, and basically of putting our stake in the sand and saying, This is who I am, this is what I’m about, and this is what I want/need.

>> How we’re secretly afraid of our purpose and potential–scared of being seen. We might have secret fears like… What if I’m great? What if it’s hard? What if I screw up? What if I discover something about myself? What if I discover that everything I’ve been telling myself is not true?

>> Why our uncomfortable comfort zone seems to be the safer option because we know it, we think that we’ve got the pain thing figured out and that it couldn’t get much worse, and we’d basically take this over the great unknown where there’s plenty of uncertainty…but also our freedom.

>> How I noticed this pattern amongst everyone I’ve encountered that’s struggling with relationships or some other form of painful problem and it’s that they’re avoiding something and have a or even a few outstanding big decisions.

>> The two questions I explore with clients that give a great deal of insight into what the distraction is a cover for: What was going on in the weeks and months proceeding this situation? It’s often a loss but it can also be the potential of something good. Do you have any outstanding big decisions to be made? Often there’s delay showing up around, for example, a move they need to make logistically or at work, whether to have a family, or even just whether they’re actually going to quit the unavailable relationship track and get on to the committed, mutually fulfilling track.

>> Why unavailable relationships are really just another form of procrastination

>> How commitment is not about knowing all the steps and ins and outs between where you are now and where you want to go–it’s about taking a step, however imperfect it might be, and taking more steps.

>> How we are inadvertently uncommitting ourselves with our distractions and choices.

Links mentioned

>> Episode 96 about my social media diet

>> We’ve got to stop procrastinating in unavailable relationships

>> My Break The Cycle course is open for enrollment

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Have a great weekend!

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Blind Spots Block The Relationship You Want

June 19, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

“Natalie, I am sooooo ready to be in a relationship and settle down. I can’t [whatever they’re currently doing and suffering through] anymore.”

I hear variations of this statement sooooo much, sometimes from the same people multiple times over several months or even years, and it’s often after sharing their dissatisfaction, frustration and even despair over what is currently happening in their lives.

It’s not just that they’re not in the relationship they want; there is invariably something else in the mix that’s a major pull on their time, energy, efforts and emotions.

They’re obsessing over an ex who, based on how the relationship was, along with any medium to long-term incompatibilities, it’s the right thing that the relationship ended. They’re often also stuck on The Replacement Mentality, so believing that they’ve been replaced by someone ‘inferior’ or similar, or believing that this person is living ‘happily ever after’ with The Replacement, even though this is made up or exaggerated, especially when this same ex is messaging/sexting them and/or complaining about The Replacement [to them]. If they’re not obsessing over being replaced, it’s often about experiencing activation and so not recognising how it has triggered feelings and wounds from the past and as such, this notion of being abandoned, passed over and rejected in totality – receiving no, the relationship ending, not getting what they want etc., is seen as being a rejection of them in their entirety, full stop.

Some have been what I call ‘single on the surface’, so yes, they’re technically single but at the same time, they’re either in some form of purgatory over something from the past and so, in effect, in a relationship with pain, fear, guilt and whoever the person or people are that are connected to the events, or, they are unaware of a set of habits that are part of their safety mechanism to defend against intimacy. Whatever they’re doing, it can amount to going through the motions while subconsciously (and in some cases, very consciously) sabotaging their own efforts. One of the easiest ways to do this is to be drawn to the same type of people, whether it’s on or offline, and to go through a similar habit loop each time which eventually leads to disappointment, and then lather, rinse, repeat.

They’ve been in a vague, ambiguous, ambivalent, indecisive setup with somebody for months or even years, and actually in a few cases, decades. For some, they repeatedly accept vague, ambiguous etc setups because they want to play it cool / not appear ‘too needy’ / not appear to create drama like they think that ‘others’ do. Some play the Really Good Friend role as a back door route to a relationship, only to be told that the other party doesn’t see them in ‘that way’, or only wants to ‘go with the [casual] flow’, or that they’re interested in someone else.

Some have been breaking up and getting back together with somebody for an extended period of time and there’s often enough drama and betrayal to fill an entire series of the now defunct Jerry Springer Show.

All of these situations are understandably frustrating, disheartening, and enough to sap so much life force out of you, that even if a loving relationship appeared before your eyes, you would barely be able to move let alone step into it, but–and there is a big but—it’s at times like this when we say we really want something but it’s not happening, that we have to be willing to own and know our own bullshit.

We have to be willing to acknowledge our blind spots.

We have to be willing to let go of a story, a version of events that might have been keeping us company, albeit uncomfortably, for what may be all or the majority of our life.

Incidentally, this is some scary but necessary and liberating work on our part.

Podcast Ep. 82: Thick Skin and An Elastic Heart

June 12, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

There's no need for you to try to build a new person from scratch. Move some of your emotional baggage out of the way so that you can see you more clearly.

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In this episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I give a preview of what’s ahead, sharing a little of where my head is at with Baggage Reclaim and my mission to help people Reclaim themselves from their emotional baggage. It’s basically my manifesto for ‘season 3’ and beyond and I’m really excited.

It’s good to be back.

In the episode, I talk about:

The importance of closing the gap between what we say we want, who we say we are, and what we’re actually being and doing – our happiness lies in the space where that gap is getting smaller.
Why we’re expecting too much of ourselves when we expect to land into adulthood having everything figured out.
How we’re not aware of how our past is informing what we’re doing right now and how the things we do on autopilot and the pain we experience from our patterns, are there to wake us up to the knowledge that what we’re doing is not who we are and that there is a different way.
What it was that prompted me to start Baggage Reclaim and why my desire to help people overcome their pasts and to become more emotionally available is so important to me.
Why there isn’t any need to ‘build a new you’ from scratch and that moving forward is really about moving some baggage out of the way so that you can see you more clearly.
Why there’s no need to be perfect or for us to get rid of ‘all’ of our emotional baggage.

Links and other mentions from the episode

Episode 81 and 80 where I talk about grief, family and being myself despite everything that is going on
Being over-responsible since childhood and how exhausted we can feel when we’re now having to be responsible adults
The term ‘thick skin and an elastic heart’ is from Sia’s song by the same name
Clarity sessions and coaching
Blogtacular and my closing keynote from 2014

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

48 Ideas For Increasing Emotional Availability & Breaking Harmful Relationship Patterns

June 7, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 18 Minutes

Whatever it is that’s brought you to Baggage Reclaim and got you exploring the subject of emotional unavailability and emotional baggage, if you want your circumstances to change and for you to break your pattern, you will need to become more emotionally available..

This post is in response to two of my most frequently asked questions: How do I become more emotionally available? and How do I start to break my pattern?.

I’m going to assume that you have empathy or certainly the ability to develop it —some people don’t and are highly unlikely to be reading this!—and what I have listed below are next step suggestions for what to do now that you are aware of the issue, and all are about taking action. Some will involve you doing some research to find out more or to explore options for professional support.

There is no magic solution, so I can offer you nothing that is going to be the equivalent of being at one of those sermons where the person leaps out of their wheelchair and declares, “I can WALK!” Contrary to popular belief, nobody can make you spontaneously combust into an emotionally available person. You have to do the work.

Oh, and yes, before anyone asks, I have done everything on the list over the last 12 years!

Right, here we go!

1. Which emotions do you try to avoid or shut out? It might surprise you to know that there’s more than fear, anger, hurt and happy. Lots of shutting down causes numbness or even ‘deadness’. In a nutshell, here’s how emotional unavailability versus emotional availability works: When you don’t feel a range of emotions you act as if you have a switchboard where you can turn off the ones you don’t feel like feeling. In actuality, there’s one switch for all emotions, so if you switch off what you think is one or a few, you’re affecting the circuitry to all of them, limiting your ability to feel even the most joyous of emotions. It also confuses your emotions because avoiding some, intensifies others, while some get misinterpreted. It’s this reason why I hear from so many people who don’t know the difference between fear caused by underlying familiarity with a pattern… and attraction. You’ve got to feel to heal.

2. Keep a Feelings Diary. I’ve been teaching people to do this for more than a decade, and it works. Your emotions are there to help you, not hinder you. If you consistently have a sense of how you are feeling, not only do you become more conscious, aware and present, but you are not going to become overwhelmed by suppressed and repressed emotions. Download my free Feelings Diary Guide.

3. Work out your pattern. Write down a list of the positive and negative traits of past partners, and do the same for family members and anyone significant from childhood. Compare simulates and notice the themes. Remember that patterns occur when you’re living unconsciously hence by becoming more conscious, aware and present, including about recognising the things that you have been doing automatically and without questioning the relevance to your current self and life, you are already breaking patterns.

4. Arrange to see a therapist with the aim of helping you to heal from your past. Work with somebody who encourages you to talk and to take action. Or work with a coach (yes, I do offer coaching), or look at alternative therapy options if you’re open to that, or look up personal development workshops. Throw whatever you can at it. What works for you might be different to what works for someone else. If the net result is that you wind up happier and healthier, the method is irrelevant. I didn’t go down the therapy route, but many others have. I opted for the holistic approach because I was seriously unwell at the time and implemented boundaries and committed to healing for the sake of my health. I’ve been doing acupuncture for over 11 years, kinesiology for almost 12, plus I visit an osteopath. In committing to self-care and moving old stress and trauma out of my body, I have been plugged into me for almost 12 years.

5. Identify your Relationship Character. Who do you become when you’re attracted to somebody, or you begin dating or are in a relationship? Make a note of the things that you say, do and think, noting in particular, the things that are a real departure from who you really are and that also cause you to feel anxiety, resentment and even deep pain. Note what you avoid and the boundaries that you suddenly forget — this is your Relationship Character. Any role you play is a block to intimacy so losing the mask makes you emotionally available. Give him/her a name and a backstory. Now you can note where he/she shows up and why, so that you can become more conscious, aware and present, plus you can compassionately but firmly tell them to have a seat.

6. Identify your common frustrations including the things that you consistently complain about —these are all things that you need to be and do for yourself. If it frustrates you that partners, friends etc., are always indecisive, examine your indecision. If you find that you’re consistently invalidated, where are you invalidating you in your attempts to gain their validation? If you feel unheard, where are you not listening to you?

7. Get conscious about your habits. Spend a week or two evaluating your daily routine. How much of your time is spent being truly present and connected to you and your life? How much of your time is spent feeling pissed off but then feeling powerless to do anything about it? How much of your time is spent being and doing things that distance you from your emotions or that help you to avoid getting ‘too close’ to people? Are there any habits that are having a knock-on effect on your wellbeing? For example, I have a client who was anaesthetising with food and drink because she was demoralised by her work. It turned out that it was because she was doing something that was someone else’s responsibility which in turn meant that she was never able to do her job within work hours.

8. Are you overdoing something in your life? For instance, if you’re a workaholic, which feelings/situations does work provide an escape from and why? If you have concerns that you’re exercising as a means of avoiding your feelings or limiting intimacy with others, acknowledge what is behind this so for instance, what are the origins of this habit? Feel that you’re comfort eating too much or that a few glasses of wine have become your go-to every day to cope with, for example, an unresolved work situation? Eating uncomfortable feelings or silencing the words that might slip out with food, drink, drugs etc., or using, for example, alcohol or drugs to get outside of yourself and adopt a persona, are very prevalent ways in which we make ourselves emotionally unavailable. Compassionately exploring these habits, possibly with the help of a professional, will help you to address the baggage behind these habits but also help put you back in touch with yourself.

9. Take a dating hiatus. I typically recommend 3-6 months although I’ve also had quite a few people do a year. If you tend to lose yourself in relationships or you get very triggered by dating, taking a clean break, so no collecting attention online, texting loose connections or exes, or sex, gives you the space to get into a monogamous relationship with you. You will learn a hell of a lot about yourself during this time, including where you might have been using romantic attention as an escape from uncomfortable feelings. Read more about dating hiatuses.

Podcast Ep. 72: ‘Legitimate’ Reasons To Break Up, Navigating Out of Negative Emotional Traffic, Go Hug Yourself

January 20, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 72, I cover:

Which reasons are ‘OK’ to break up with someone for?: So many people struggle with validating their need to end a relationship because it’s as if they believe that their reason isn’t good enough. At the extreme end of things they’re thinking, Would someone else break up with their partner who didn’t want a committed future / was sleeping around / abusing them? I share ten very strong reasons and signs that you are more than justified in breaking up with somebody including:

Your fear of being alone (or starting over or whatever you’re afraid of) is greater than your unhappiness in the relationship.
You’ve become less of who you are.
They’re with someone else.
Because you want to.

Links mentioned

The No Contact Rule

Seeing your way out of negative emotions: It’s critical to our well-being and our emotional development that we learn to sit with our feelings and see our way out of them when we are struck by those that prompt us to want to act out. Earlier this week, after being hangry (hungry and angry), I woke up with a headache, and from there it went downhill. I share key lessons gained from cycling through a range of painful emotions, hearing my ego and inner critic try to draw me into self-destruct, but also hearing some sage words from my inner critic.

Links mentioned

Episode 1 where I share what I learned from being hangry

Episode 2: What’s the baggage behind it?

Not mentioned but work checking out is my How To Self-Soothe Guide

The importance of hugging yourself: It’s National Hug Day tomorrow (had no idea this existed before this week!) and it reminded me about the importance of giving us affection too.

Listener Question: Fran wants to know, Is anyone honest online?

What I Learned This Week: The lessons are gonna come regardless of your circumstances.

Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

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Podcast Ep.46: Making New Friends, Are They Emotionally Available?, Celebrate You

September 9, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 46, I cover:

Being open to making new acquaintances and friends: My daughters started at their new school this week which means I’m back to not knowing anyone up at school. I find situations like this quite daunting although I’ve learned to overcome my temptation to retreat into myself. I share a few tips that I’ve learned from facing down my awkwardness and fear.

Is your partner emotionally available? Following on from episode 28 where I talked about recognising your own availability, I share ten key questions to help you make sense of a partner’s availability. Of course the things that we seek in others are what we also need to be striving for in ourselves, so these questions can apply to you too. I’ve put them on a handy question sheet which you can download here. Note, on the show I said baggagereclaim.co.uk/46download when it should be 46-download–apologies!

Holiday recap: I’ve had some lovely emails and comments from people who have holidayed on their own and am gradually making my way through them. I share a couple of snippets in the show–both people learned a lot about themselves but one loved their trip and the other hated it but it became a catalyst for massive change.

Listener Question: Samantha wants to know how to broach the topic of taking things slowly re sex.

What I Learned This Week: The things that we criticise ourselves for are the very things that others celebrate or even envy.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

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Advice Wednesday: How Do I Stop Shaming Me Over My Past Relationships?

August 24, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Livia asks: Like many of your readers, I came to the realisation that I’ve dated an emotionally unavailable man (Mr Unavailable) for 6 years plus I’ve realised that he’s not the only one in my past. I recently broke up with him and I’m committed to that decision (finally!). I’ve been working on my own emotional availability, boundaries, fear of commitment and unhealthy patterns of behavior… and as I proceed I feel as if I was living in fog for years and it’s clearing now little by little. It feels great!

But with that I am also starting to face an issue that is difficult for me to manage. I feel very ashamed and guilty for letting myself down and allowing unpleasant things to happen to me over and over again for years. To make things worse, I know what I should theoretically be doing (in short, accept that my old self didn’t know better and that I’m human who makes errors and learns), but as I’m failing in the attempt to apply that knowledge in reality, I’m creating a vicious circle of ‘should’ and shame. How do I break that cycle?

**********

One of the things I often say to people is that it only takes one. I have been in one mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect, and it’s with the man I’m now married to. I’ve been out with pretty much every variation of both of my parents and I’ve been in all of the types of unavailable relationship, and I did this all by 28. I tell you this because it would be easy to have written me off, figuring that no one would want me and that with a 100% track record of ‘failure’, that I was doomed.

You can't know who you are without discovering who you're not Adulthood is about unlearning all of the unproductive and downright harmful habits of thinking and behaviour so that we can become who we truly are.

You would not know what is or isn’t working for you and you would not know where you need to adapt and change (become more of who you are and help you instead of harming you) without painful and frustrating experiences.

You can’t know who you are without discovering who you’re not.

You can’t know what feels good and right for you without having discovered what doesn’t work.

Life cannot be all the same. It needs variance, flavour, ups and downs. It is only by looking back in the future where you will understand the significance of this time.

You are unfolding. You are emerging.

Every relationship is a stepping stone to the one where you’re truly meant to be. Relationships expose our wounds and show us where we need to heal, grow and learn. Fear, pain, guilt, stowed away baggage that you’ve forgotten that you buried or have tried to keep a lid on, emerges in our relationships. What we don’t sort out in one relationship, we will sort out in another. What we learn from our relationships gets put to good use in another. We can only know what we’re carrying around through our relationships. This isn’t just with romantic ones–it’s all of our interpersonal relationships, hence why I hear from so many people who say very similar things to you only it’s about their boss, a co-worker, friend etc.

You are being cracked open by your experiences.

Yes, it’s painful but if confronting certain things is causing discomfort, it’s a sign that it needs to come out. With self-care, which can include support from third parties–those who have read me long enough or met me know that I have a kinesiologist, acupuncturist and a few other sage people in my life who have helped me along in my journey–you can can get through this.

Advice Wednesday: My Workaholic Boyfriend Doesn’t Have My Back

June 29, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

One of the things that we can find difficult to ‘argue’ against is when we have a ‘super-busy’ partner who work work work work works or who seems to spend every spare minute exercising or doing favours for other people. These appear to be cast-iron alibies that explain their unavailability and we can almost feel as if we’re being selfish or needy for feeling away about it. It’s not as if they’re spending their time overdoing something else such as alcohol or other substances or they’re gambling, shopping, eating or something else excessively, so we might push down our doubts and concerns.

The person who busies themselves in pretty much anything but your relationship is avoiding being 'too intimate' in your relationship

Of course when somebody is over-something it and it becomes at the expense not just of the happiness of the relationship but even their own well-being, we are right to feel concerned. These can be forms of avoidance–ways of pushing down or even obliterating feelings and thoughts. It’s a bit like when we’ve experienced a hurt and we throw ourselves into work or being as busy as we possibly can. It helps us to focus on something else but there can, if it goes on for quite some time, be a fear of slowing down in case all of the feelings emerge and we’re not able to deal with them.

A close friend of mine went out with a guy who was a workaholic, gymaholic, marathonaholic who would also do favours for everyone. When he did fit her in, she savoured these snatches of time and felt almost grateful for the attention but couldn’t shake this mounting feeling that sure, if she wanted him to come to the rescue about something practical like changing a tire, he’d be there in a flash but that emotionally, mentally and even physically, she was being left hanging by him. She realised that she had been silent for too long when he went incommunicado for two weeks and then reappeared with little explanation and she erupted at the outrageousness of it all.

In this week’s Advice Wednesday, Kristen has moved three hours away from everyone she knows…to be with her workaholic boyfriend who proceeded to ramp up the amount of work he was doing and then distanced himself from her when she struggled to get a job in her new town and needed help from him including financial support.

It’s hard enough to move to somewhere unfamiliar or to settle into progressing a relationship without having to feel that if you are less than perfect, your partner’s going to run for the hills. It’s OK for a partner to be scared and many people do get triggered by money, but communication is vital. Stonewalling and giving the impression that being needed in any way is a bad thing, puts the relationship in a rather precarious place. The true test of a relationship isn’t about how it runs when the going is smooth but whether each party still has each other’s back and remains on the same team when they hit life’s inevitable bumps like stress, conflict, criticism, disappointment and loss.

If somebody keeps sending the message that you’re on your own emotionally and that they don’t want to be relied upon, it’s going to undermine intimacy and commitment in the relationship and you won’t be able to feel secure in the relationship. Ignoring problems and hoping that they will disappear, for instance, when you move in together, will delay dealing with the inevitable which is only going to snowball. If they refuse to talk about anything and only warm up when you collude with them in avoiding the prime content of a relationship, it’s only right to be concerned about the future of the relationship. It’s not about being codependent where you’re excessively emotionally reliant or about being fiercely protective of independence where closeness is seen as a threat; interdependence means that you each honour the separateness but are healthily mutually dependent.

Some people are very good at designing their life in such a way that there appear to be legit reasons for why they can’t show up, but you know what? People have jobs, exercise, do favours for others etc and show up to their relationships so don’t let anyone who’s dodging intimacy, minimise your needs. Most of all, don’t sell you short by settling for being the fringes of someone’s life.

Have you been with a super-busy partner or somebody who was overdoing something that gradually encroached on your relationship? What advice can you offer Kristen?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book a clarity session or coaching.

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Are you doing the other person’s ‘job’ in your relationships?

April 18, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I hear from so many people who feel very put upon by one or a group of people. It’s feeling as if something won’t be done if they don’t do it or that it won’t be done correctly, or feeling that the expectation is that they ‘should’ do it hence they feel obliged to even though it’s not their ‘job’ and it’s really annoying them.

As I scanned my emails the other day, it struck me like a puck in the head:

What differentiates relationships that prosper and those that flounder, is that people who have relatively harmonious relationships, know their ‘job’.

Now, what I mean by this is, is that they know that their job is to be who they are and to show up in an equal fashion for a 100:100 relationship.

No one is superior or inferior and there isn’t one person underfunctioning and the other overfunctioning; they’re both able to be and take care of their respective selves and to be in a relationship from a place of love, care, trust and respect to contribute to the integrity, health and prosperity of the relationship.

It’s not about who is ‘the man’ and who is ‘the woman’, because aside from the fact that relationships are not purely between men and women, each time we define our expectations of a person based on what we define them as in relation to us, we not only make presumptions about what we and they are ‘supposed’ to do but we are not grounded enough to recognise our own and their humanness and to work with it to forge a relationship that respects who each party actually is.

A prime example of this is family tensions. Instead of seeing family members as humans first and foremost, it’s instead about, “You are this and I am that so we ‘should’ have a relationship like this and you must do that and I must do this”. Cue obligation and resentment.

When we are over or underfunctioning, our presumptions about the other party’s role stem from how we want to stay in our comfort zone, which could be performing seal pleaser or living in a level of chaos.

Overfunctioning results in us doing our ‘job’ plus someone else’s, or doing both ‘jobs’ half-assedly but feeling no doubt exhausted.

We’re training people into the perception that a job that’s not our job is our job or, we’re training them to believe that we are OK with doing something when we’re not.

Now, it’s annoying enough being the one who always cleans out the microwave or fridge at work, or who everyone assumes will volunteer or buy the gift or host or whatever it is, but when what someone thinks is our ‘job’ is to basically let them off the hook from having to lift a feckin finger in the relationship while we break our back, it’s soul destroying, even more so when we collude with them by obliging us to fulfil that role.

Podcast Ep.28: Are You Open or Closed?, Life Plans, ‘Overreacting’

March 18, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast! Before I get into that, if you attempted to download last week’s tip sheet on Saturday, my email provider had a technical issue. Most people have been contacted but there were some emails that didn’t come through so if you are one of them and you’re like, Where the hell is my download?, let me know and I’ll get it rectified pronto.

Here’s what I cover in episode 28:

Life plans. Why we might be resistant to looking at the big picture, the usefulness of working out your short-, medium- and long-term goals, and how author Michael Hyatt who originally inspired me to start working out my own life plan, suggests that we create a life plan. | Download Creating Your Personal Life Plan by Michael Hyatt-Thanks to Mary Jane for the tip! | Find out the backstory to me thinking about life plans in episode 27 | Thanks to Elgie for sharing ‘mise-en-place’

Are you emotionally available? I explain emotional unavailability and the key fears behind it plus I share ten questions you can ask you to help you not only understand whether you are emotionally available but also to aid you you in identifying the area where you can be more available. | Download “10 Key Questions To Open Up Your Awareness About Your Emotional Availability” | Check out this post, Do you want to be with an emotionally available person? Be emotionally available YOURSELF

It’s not fair when people shame us for not wanting to be friends yet | Sometimes we need time and space to grieve before we can be in that space where we can be friends with an ex or where we can feel as if we’ve dealt with something. It’s a real encroachment of our boundaries when the person who has hurt us tries to shame us for not being at that place yet, even going so far as to remind us that, for instance, all of their other exes remain friends with them.

Listener Question – Nicole wants to know where to draw the line with setting boundaries and issuing ultimatums. | Check out these posts, ‘Boundaries–Stop Asking For Permission’ and ‘Why Explaining and Re-Explaining Disrespect Is Like Saying, I’m Open To Negotiating On My Boundaries’ | 30-Day Project: Embrace Healthy Boundaries

What Nat Learned This Week: I’ve had a few hypnotherapy sessions to help increase my awareness of why certain things were particularly triggering for me and it reminded me about when people tell me that they overreacted to something. I explain why there’s a basis for the overreaction and that yeah, there’s been a misfire of the energy but that you’re not going crazy if you overreacted.

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Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx