Over the last few months, I’ve been meeting readers at my workshops and there’s a really strong theme coming through: Sure, there are fears about not being “good enough” or even being cheated on or hurt, that are stumbling blocks that direct them into unhealthy and frustrating partnerings, but actually, many are on some level nervous and sometimes deeply afraid of sacrifice.
Now, it’s not that they’re ‘selfish’ and afraid of compromise—if anything, they tend to compromise themselves in their relationships—but more that they conflate relationships as a whole with unhealthy sacrifice.
Let’s clarify what sacrifice is in a relationship:
Every decision has trade-offs. If you decide to be in a committed relationship, the trade-off is that you go from feeling as if you have umpteen options or that there’s the possibility of a different partner, to co-creating a relationship.
To make a commitment requires you to make the decision even though you don’t know how it’s going to pan out or know every itty bitty detail of what it’s going to entail, hence the need for due diligence.
While it’s understandable to have moments of twitchiness because you’re human and will probably grapple with fear of uncertainty at times or maybe low self-confidence that causes you to self-doubt, especially if you’re a perfectionist (you will want everything to happen right now rather than being vulnerable and showing up), putting a lot of your energy into questioning a decision you’ve already made or conducting yourself (privately and also with your partner) in a way that isn’t congruent with the decision you claim to have made, is a recipe for pain and frustration. It’s ‘un-deciding’ and that brings out a whole different set of thinking and behaviour to when you are living up to your commitment.
Every relationship will require that both parties, not just one, makes sacrifices for the greater good of the relationship.
Typically, if you’re both on the same team rather than solo minded, you won’t notice these sacrifices because you’re enjoying what’s on the other side of them—something that’s mutually beneficial—but if these sacrifices are actually about compromising who you fundamentally are as a person (your core values) or are one-sided, then yeah, not only is that a problem but it makes sense why you would be scared of relationships.
Giving you up in relationships equals boundary issues.
Think: people pleasing, playing roles, overfunctioning and overcompensating, not addressing code amber and red behaviour, morphing, blending and adapting to suit whichever partner you’re with, and putting your partners on a pedestal by treating them as if they’re an authority over you and a parental replacement.
These habits not only guarantee pain but they also cut you off from intimacy–you can’t do these and be yourself and be vulnerable, which also cuts off commitment and the other landmarks of healthy relationships.
When you associate relationships with sacrifice, very often, it’s fear of loss of freedom and/or fear of loss of self, the irony being that to avoid sacrificing in this way, you procrastinate in an unavailable relationship where you can almost feel as if you’re a prisoner of your own fears and are playing a role where you’re anything but yourself.
It can appear as if you’re not only trying but damn near breaking your back in your relationships but it’s still avoidance. On some level, you will fear that committing will be cosigning to the painful future loss that your fears tell you is going to happen [and that your current relationship habits are acting as ‘protection’ for]. You’re making motions but you’re not having to commit.
In some instances, like an affair, a secret or fantasy relationship, or a casual arrangement, these feel especially safe albeit uncomfortable to some or even a large degree, because the exposure to sacrifice is limited by the relationship. Sure, if you’re, for instance, in an affair, you might make much noise about how you want to be legit and how you’re sick and tired of waiting for them to leave or make a decision—but it’s precisely because you don’t have to be ‘all in’ in the truest sense why you’re involved with somebody who has a partner/spouse in the first place.
If you on some level fear that being in a relationship is going to result in sacrificing you or that being vulnerable is going to result in sacrificing you, it’s because you’ve either witnessed this in key relationships in your life and vowed, “I’m never going to put myself in the same situation as my mother/father/whoever it was”, and/or you’ve been sacrificing you in your relationships (because you believe that this is something that you have to do because the other person is seen as more important/valuable and are trying to create a tipping point of reciprocation so you can increase self-worth) and each hurt is feeding the fears and also renewing the vow that you’ll never put you ‘back there’ again, ‘back there’ being the source of the original hurt that set the stage for this pattern of sacrifice.
It’s a vicious circle because, if you on some level fear that you will lose something by being in a relationship or by opening you up to vulnerability, you make decisions on that basis and you’re either going to be outside of a relationship, ‘free’, but still afraid, or attempting to be in a relationship or in one, but also still afraid. Relationships will equal loss and who wants to ‘lose’?
You will also sacrifice the things that you truly want, need, and desire because you’re catering to these fears and forgetting who you truly are.
It’s also critical to note that any relationship where the other party expects you to give you up as a way of ‘proving’ your love and making them more important, is a relationship to run in the opposite direction from, FAST.
If you recognise that you have this fear of sacrifice /fear of commitment, recognising its origins is the beginning of using awareness to break that pattern and to work through anything that needs some healing attention. An easy starting point is: Who taught me that this is what relationships look and feel like? Who or what taught me to be afraid?
For example, fear of losing a career or being trapped in a loveless marriage, has been a huge theme for many I’ve spoken with, and it’s because they had a parent scaring the bejaysus out of them about being ‘trapped’ by a partner—“Don’t make the mistakes that I did!”–or who emphasised how their unhappiness with their own lives is because they “gave up everything” for their partner/spouse. I think one of the things that we forget is that our parents’ relationships were made in a different time. Using the broad brushstrokes of their fears to guide our lives, only keeps us stuck in the past especially because we’re not them and we don’t have to make the same decisions to show ‘loyalty’ or avoid making any decision (but still get to be ‘loyal’) by avoiding commitment.
So examine where your story of relationships are about sacrifice came from. Ask you questions, examine your family connections or your relationship history and see where you can rewrite that story and address any old hurts that are presenting themselves in your current relationship habits, because it’s not worth sacrificing your life and hurting you, just to keep old stories in play.
Ultimately, the real sacrifice that you have to make is giving up the value of the protection that these beliefs and stories give you (hiding out) for something more valuable and important to you (your true self and the relationship you want).
Take care.
Your thoughts?
My Unsent Letter Guide is great for uncovering old wounds and using writing out your feelings to gain perspective and begin healing–you can download yours for free here.
If you would like to know what’s really behind your relationship habits and want to learn how to date and be in relationships from a place of love, care, trust and respect, check out my course, The Breakthrough.
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I kind of like what Willard Harley, author of BUYERS, RENTERS, AND FREELOADERS said about sacrifice, which echoes most of your own sentiments, Natalie, but has a somewhat different emphasis.
Harley classifies sacrifice in the “giving up something that compromises one’s values in some substantial” way as being antithetical to truly committed relationships (“buyer”) while being part and parcel of “renter” or “freeloader” unions. The essence of renter or freeloader relationships is their temporary or transitory character. Harley argues – I think forcefully – that when we’re truly serious about a relationship we need to draw the line at significant sacrifices because they won’t work in the long-term. But I think your apparent disagreement really is about how you define sacrifice. He prefers to eliminate any association of sacrifice with healthy relationships, whereas you draw a distinction between “healthy” and “unhealthy” relationships. I know it’s semantics, but I guess I’d side with Harley here; the word “sacrifice” is too misunderstood and too basically negative in connotation to be of much use as a positive term, in my opinion.
So many golden nuggets in this one. Such good timing for me and hits the nail on the head of where I am. Thank you!
I recently have this fear of trust with men and people in general, including trusting my own gut and instincts. I met a guy online and we started dating (casually). He semi-ghosted me 5-6 weeks afterwards. I was completely blindsided. Things were very intense and happened really fast in the first 2 weeks. In hindsight, after having obsessively replayed the scenario and pseudo-relationship in that brief time, I realized that I was caught up in the moment and I was blinded by the intensity. He hinted at a future, and to my own fault, I believed it and it didn’t even occur to me that he was also dating other girls as well. And I will admit, I am guilty of acting like a girlfriend way too soon, in spite of having had the “exclusivity” chat. But all the things that transpired had hinted at a relationship. In the moment, I trusted his words, and my own gut that he was into me. I feel incredibly stupid and naive, and even duped. I’d much rather he had come forward and say, “hey, I’m confused and I just want to casually date for now.” For the first month after the pseudo breakup, I was in such turmoil. Here I was, thinking, here’s this great guy — what did I do to drive him away? It was torturous. Now that I have some clarity, I realized that he wanted me to fall in like with him while he explored his options. Who knows? Maybe I was simply a placeholder for him to “trade up”. In any case, it is a hard pill to swallow. Being seen casually is heartbreaking. It takes 2 to tango, so as much as I hate to admit this, I am at fault too, for falling for his words and charm, and not having the clarity to set proper boundaries (for example, telling him to slow down). I think he knew 2 weeks into it, that I was more invested in him than he was in me, and I think he should have had the courage to tell me that. Sure, it would have stung and my ego would have been bruised, but it would have been much better than what I had went through (and am still going through).
Anonymously broken, you are not the first woman to have fallen for a guy’s BS, and sadly you won’t be the last. I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, but it does get better with time. You’re in the right place to get the support and guidance you need to remain strong and hopefully identify why you find yourself in these situations, and how to mitigate them in future.
Like you, I used to jump in the deep end really quickly and tell myself that it was fine because I was just reciprocating their feelings/words/behaviour towards me. I’d think nothing of sleeping with a guy quite early on – if the signals/vibes were right (i.e. they either talked about how much they like me or discussed future plans – which never came to fruition). It’s taken me years to realise that this approach seldom works in the long run – you simply can’t fast forward a relationship no matter how convincing their words are, or how much you want it. There has to be a period of discovery where you can get to know each other without investing too much emotionally. It’s a tough balance to achieve, and I still struggle with it myself, but the benefits of taking your time is that you can observe them and see when their interest starts to wane, or if the level of contact dies down after the first month or so. They essentially eliminate themselves from the runnings which makes it far easier to walk away (especially if you haven’t slept with them yet).
You can dissect it and analyse the situation all you want, but you will never truly know why he did that to you. Try not to beat yourself up about it! Just be grateful he’s gone now and you have the chance to move forward. Make plans to do something fun with your friends, or hang out with family or others who love you. Focus on the positive aspects of your life.
Good luck 🙂
Hey Anonymously Broken! The exact same thing happened to me 2 months ago and I can say I’m still picking up the pieces. I found myself blaming myself for him ghosting me and how quickly things came to an end. To make things worst, I near pleaded to him, to not walk away from me.
It’s so frustrating how we blame ourselves for “chasing” the guy away. It’s like we absolve them of any accountability and responsibility for their actions during and after the relationship.
Like Rachel said, we will never know why the other party did what they did. What we can know is how to better take care of ourselves the next time. It’s hard, it sucks, it hurts. But have faith that it does get better with time. It may not seem like it but, it is a blessing that he is gone and we got to see his true ass, earlier on than later.
Meanwhile, lots of hugs and maybe even a glass of wine!
I think you are being too hard on yourself. You need to forgive yourself, we all take emotional risks sometimes they are worth it sometimes not but if you learn something even a disappiontment has value.
Thank you so much, Rachel, Steph and Paulatl. You truly have no idea how your words and comments mean to me at this moment. I’m currently suffering from a bout of depression and seeing a counsellor for this. It’s one of those things that just had THAT kind of impact on me (Why? I’m still working it out with the counsellor). Like you all said, the counsellor says it will get better in time and that I am too hard on myself. Part of my brain realizes that; but emotionally, I am struggling. A part of my brain and heart says, “You read way too much into his words, so really, that’s you’re fault”. Or, “He didn’t do anything wrong; he is free to date others!” I know that analyzing and dissecting the past is doing me no good (more harm than anything), but it’s been hard letting go. I hope I will get better. And like you ladies have hinted, maybe I will bring my own mistakes and faults from this non-relationship to my future relationship. Thank you for all your support and kind words.
Anonymously broken,
I myself was shocked when the “godly” man wouldn’t own up to the fact he wasn’t interested, that I was a Passing Time Candidate. As someone with minimal dating experience, poor sense of self and a fearful personality, I pushed through my natural fear state, chose to ignore his passive comments (and a little future faking) and ran straight into something that has broken me. It’s totally hypocritical of me to say this but please don’t beat yourself up and give yourself room for healing. As much as it hurts on so many levels, I hope that you can make peace with it and enjoy your life again. Wishing you all the best 🙂
Oh dear Lord how did you know I was thinking this today and yesterday?… I’m avoiding any relationships or dating because I am scared of problems, changes, what ifs…and more importantly I’m afraid of pain – most breakups have been terrifyingly painful and I’m finding myself trying to never ever try again…. 🙁
My comment probably doesn’t fit neatly here, but I don’t know where to put it either. In the last two weeks, three different men (whom I know and who are all married…I know all three wives) have made what I will label as inappropriate comments toward me. Inappropriate because they are married. Inappropriate because at different levels and for different reasons we are “friends”.
So situation one is guy who is married to a good friend. In front of her (and she is BEAUTIFUL) he makes comments about my looks and other suggestive sexual things, like threesomes. He was drinking, I was not, and I swiftly refuted his remarks, that THAT would never happen. She “jokingly” told him the same. Awkward.
Scenario two is married guy I know who is out without his wife. Wife is a casual friend of mine and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and is recovering from related major surgery. He just wanted to tell me how good I looked, what am I doing differently blah blah. I didn’t want to engage in that conversation, so just brushed it off and tried to change the subject, asked about his wife, kids… He was drinking, I was not.
And then my mechanic, also married, whom I’ve known for YEARS. It feels like he is amping up his comments, how we can work out a deal, prices are always negotiable. I always smile and change the subject. I LIKE my mechanic, but sometimes the comments are too much. And yes, I know his wife too.
Here’s what I don’t get. I would NEVER entertain any of these comments. I don’t know if they are serious or just think it’s fun and ok because they know I am single. I don’t know. I do not “flirt back” or EVER make suggestive remarks to them. So it’s not like I oops keep getting involved with EU MM. Never.
It’s like online dating and getting attention from inappropriate people. I still do not know why no single man has approached me in over 18 months. I am not afraid and I’m not hiding and I’m not giving off jerk vibes. Yet, I am just great for “married friends” to pseudo hit on me.
I never thought it could be so difficult for one person to maybe think he might like me even enough to express the most tiniest interest. But this weirdness has proven to be hard beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Zero progress.
I do not at all encourage these three people I’ve mentioned. Yet, I am the common denominator. I speak to them on a friendly level, and THEY are the ones that make inappropriate comments, completely unprovoked by me. Does this happen to anyone else? I suppose I could be super direct and say ‘please stop, that makes me uncomfortable’ but I am trying more to divert than have to acknowledge the discomfort. Part of me doesn’t want to let them know I am paying their comments any attention, as I think they are looking for some validating response back. Not sure. I only want to give my energy to a worthwhile relationship prospect. I mean… Unicorn. I am not afraid of a relationship. I am afraid of never having one.
I’m thinking about how you are acting toward these MM – you’re sort of engaging as if what they are saying is even plausible. Why aren’t you throwing it back on them like ‘what are you trying to do here?’, ‘are you making a pass at me?’ or even directly ‘that is an inappropriate comment’. If they start ‘oh you’re overreacting’ – look them dead in the face, and say ‘thats inappropriate’ and walk away. These type of people need to be called on it.
You absolutely should acknowledge the discomfort – the thing is that somewhere you are not ready to own this feeling that this makes you uncomfortable. YOu want to play it cool, you don’t want to be a trouble maker, you want to be friendly – these are not your friends. Your mechanic is your mechanic. Those other men are going through a mid life crisis and doing so at your expense.
You’re telling that guy asking you for a threesome in front of his wife that you know that thats not going to happen. Thats a weak response – you’re responding to the content of it rather than to the disrespect inherent in it. I’m surprised you could keep a straight face through it all.
I think this happens to all of us. Sometimes more than other times. You need to draw that boundary really sharp. Better yet, stop hanging out with this bunch. The mechanic – just look at him steadily when he makes such comments and say nothing. You’re paying him for a service. AND you know his wife.
Hi Suki,
I DO agree that a response such as “that’s inappropriate” is what I WANT to say. Possibly I don’t because my reality is that I have already alienated and isolated myself so much for not going with the flow, that I’m close to becoming some kind of outcast/ trouble maker even though I’m not the one DOING anything. I learned quickly, years ago when word of my pending divorce spread like wildfire, that those offering support were not necessarily honest. Some were, but just as many people were trying to gather information for the opposition. My ex could do favors for them being in his role, and many people chose to support him for their own gain. I realized THEY were not my friends. People who ‘trusted’ me for years with their kids, who shared tears, glasses of wine, and laughs over years… Some really were not my friends. This realization hurt more than the divorce itself. Several (married) men ‘pretended’ to be my friend and as soon as I realized OMG it’s something else they want, they don’t want to help or support me in any form, they disappeared sometimes with consequences. One I knew for years and is in media relations. We had come back into contact per my job, and did some basic catching up. I had contacted him for work purposes. As soon as I figured out his agenda, (I didn’t call him out, I just toned down the friendly exchanges) he cut me off in the social media AND business world. He acted as if by doing his job, I *owed* him favors. Made me personally pick up an item at his office that another employee would have mailed, but he physically had the thing I needed. We were both doing our respective jobs, yet he put a personal price tag on it and subsequently refused all business/contact with me once he realized I wasn’t biting. Me being polite and friendly (normal) does not mean we are going to have sex. This guy cut (social media) contact with a family member of mine too. Jerk.
So, it’s hard because these are not people I know in silos. Guy commenting in front of his wife is married to one of my only remaining friends. My friend and I go back longer than the two of them. I was a guest in their house when he made the comment. She is my friend. He is my “friend” via her, so my friendship with her is at stake if I don’t carefully choose my words and actions.
Second guy is not my friend, but his wife is (not close friend, but we have been connected socially for years through overlaps with kids, community etc.) We just happened to be in the same public place and I walked by him- was not a planned event. He is also someone who has “influence” and my “wrong to him” reaction could result in additional harm to me (socially and emotionally). I called him out years ago regarding different behavior (getting favors from my ex at my expense) and have never trusted him since.
Mechanic was my friend before being my mechanic. He has helped me several times in the going above and beyond kind of way (my car died somewhere inconvenient, my brakes went out, it’s a Sunday and I have a flat tire…) Also we have other areas of life that intersect socially. Maybe he thinks I LIKE his suggestive comments? But I don’t. So yes, striking the right balance feels tricky.
I have but a very small sampling of friends left in this world. Mostly they are married and busy. They’re all *busy* and sometimes I just think too much. I think about what it would be like to have someone that wanted to have a REAL conversation with me. What I’ve also learned is that not one person in this world wants to really listen and authentically share because it’s too much, it’s too vulnerable, and they’re too busy. I’m in this constant state of seeking that connection. Those three above scenarios don’t even come close. I think if I HAD any kind of support in real life, it would be much easier to stand up for myself. It’s stressful, because in most areas I lean toward being (too) outspoken, or labeled as too opinionated. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t stir the pot. Don’t bring it up. But often I do… With “things- issues – injustice”. When it comes to ME personally, it’s so much harder. I’ve been voted off enough islands!
I hear you SayS – now given your name, you should say something 🙂
I once cut myself out of a group because I needed to have NC with the the EUM. This was very hard for me to do but I felt it necessary for my mental health. What’s strange is that this other group opened up for me at the same time – I did nothing special much to pursue being more involved with the other group but it happened. What I’m saying when you take a stand you change yourself – it opens other doors. You should trust that standing up for yourself will still maintain these friends and if it doesn’t they’re not your friends. If you’re so uncomfortable with taking a stand, at least make a joke out of it or give them a dead stare every time. You at least deserve that this mood stops. You should have friends of a higher calibre. I am realising that I need more high caliber friends – I’ve lost a lot of friends and other than a few I have no one that challenges me mentally or emotionally. Look for better people. Anyway. I hear you. It’s a tough journey. I’m currently realising that my family of origin issues are so huge that I should go back into therapy. That if I want to live for real then I need to make some big changes. It’s a hard realisation and I’m not ready to put more work into my life. I need more. I’m doing with far too little. I’m keeping myself small because big is scary. As that quote by marianne Williamson – our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
Suki, thank you for that quote. I know I keep seeing it (here maybe)???
It’s not so much about not being able to take a stand as I’m often known for saying what I think when others won’t. But… There are other (overlapping) connections that I need to be mindful of, and that includes my kids.
Say Something,
I so relate to what you said. You said:
What I’ve also learned is that not one person in this world wants to really listen and authentically share because it’s too much, it’s too vulnerable, and they’re too busy. I’m in this constant state of seeking that connection.
Me too.
The new friend I told you about is too busy. Too busy to return texts. She said she wanted to go shopping and have dinner. She disappeared for five days and then popped back up again. I don’t disrespect people like that and I don’t want it done to me.
I made the decision to leave that friendship alone. I want some connections in my life but I am not desperate. Another person I was considering a friendship with seems to risky. She is,constantly bashing other people and I mean Trump style. Sigh back to square one.
Like you I have had married men hit on me. I put them in their place and put them out of my mind. I want real connections not fake ones.
This is so trying.
MJ
HI MJ,
I ‘worked’ at being social this weekend. Went out fri for a small group celebration for a friend. I went even though I was the only single one. Then Sat I went to a movie by myself. Not so many people there because it was a matinee, but I was the ONLY ONE there alone. Yup. Then I went to another event alone yesterday pm and saw three groups (two were married couples, the other was a married woman and her friends) whom I know. I exchanged friendly conversation with them all. Nobody invited me to sit with them. There were hundreds of people there. I sat alone. Today I was the only single one in a small group,and one of the guys asked me, ‘Hey what happened to that guy you used to bring around?’ I played dumb, ‘What?’ thinking he would drop it. Then he got into detail and I simply responded, ‘I don’t know.’ Then he said (not sure why?) ‘What’s wrong with him?’ Not sure if he meant what is wrong with him as in what is his PROBLEM, or what is wrong with him for me not being with him anymore- like did I find fault with him. Anyhow, the questions caught me off guard. It’s been TWO YEARS. So again I just replied, ‘I don’t know.’ Then he said, ‘I think he made you happy. You should go find him.’ People have NO idea. They don’t know that he just deleted me abruptly from his life. But yeah, apparently I seemed happy (as compared to now maybe?). I cried driving home. Maybe this is why I pay someone to listen to me. I have to pay someone to listen to me talk about how I’m still sad and how I keep trying things, reading, writing, listening, eating well, staying active, but not feeling happy. It sucks. I just ordered my #womancard.
Continue being social and deal me in on the woman’s card.
This has to be the longest stretch of life SUCKING for me. But I am trying like HELL to dig out. Honestly I can’t see a speck of daylight with all this rain today. LOL.
MJ
Dear SayS,
I feel your pain. I’m so sorry that you’ve been brought to tears by this superficial acquaintance of yours. 🙁
You know, I think that socializing has become difficult and sometimes painful because nobody is polite anymore. Sheer politeness requests that you don’t ask personal questions to somebody who isn’t a good friend, and even then you don’t at a social gathering!
Don’t be scared. I know this kind of fear, but I promise you not everybody will hurt you, not everybody won’t listen to you and care. After a long time, I’ve found people who do. Not many, but they are in my life now.
So please, don’t be scared. DOn’t give in. Don’t be hard on yourself. The male friends you mentioned… it’s their problem, absolutely, 100%. It’s painful to you because you would like to be in a relationship and you think “Why this *** and not a single guy whom I might like?”, but really, what you should think is “I dodged a bullett not being in a relationship with somebody who thinks this kind of comments are funny”.
I know it’s hard being single, especially around married friends. In my experience, many of them are frustrated: not because marriage is in itself frustrating, nor because their relationships are bad (in most cases), but just because of what Nat writes on this post: commitment is dead in this society. This is why envy is everywhere: I’ve to explain friends who told me “I envy you!” (and I know I’m like they said it openly) that “I’ve had to make choices, to sacrifice A in order to get B”. Plus, a single woman is a woman who has chosen not to conform to society’s expectations and be independent: even in 2016 this is destabilizing to many, especially to frustrated people (see above) who are always second guessing every decision they make, in fear they could have made another and gained more from it.
Don’t let this hurt you. Go on with caring for yourself: I promise you’ll feel better, the sadness will fade away. It has happened to me, I know it will happen for you. Don’t feel sad when you are alone, think of the time you spend with your self as cuddling you,as a time of rest and healing: may be this song you can find on Youtube might help you: “How to be alone” by Tanya Davis.
xxxx
Hi Misa, thank you for the comment. I’m going to check out the video. Luckily, I don’t MUCH second guess my decisions. Sometimes I question my perception.
I totally get it
This information is so timely, thank you so much for this clarity.
All my life, I have fallen into situations too quickly; to some degree, even this last time. (My potential partner is a “young” 78 and I am a “young” 74, so not exactly beginners in the game of love; in my case just discovering all my fears during many years of jumping in and out of relationships.) This time though, I realize what it will take if I wish to plan a future with this person. Thoughts of giving up my freedom, which I finally allowed myself during the past six years, frighten me terribly. Yet, I can envision a wonderful life together with this man; probably my last chance to be totally in love, feeling like a giddy teenager yet accepting and enjoying my maturity. I see this man, a widower, being totally sure as to what his goals are and willing to commit so an opportunity to make changes in my thinking and relationship patterns. And yes, the doubts and mistrust have come about by the chaotic relationships my parents had. Even though I have discovered that it does not have to be that way for me now that I have found someone willing to give it his all, it still will take some re-examination of my patterns and to finally break these. I will let you know if I succeed, should this man be worthy.
Again, I thank you for sharing all your valuable and wonderful insights.
Ilona/Sabine
I’ve gone from bad relationship to the next. Your website really helped me in the past and I posted a few years ago actually. Now let me say I know I’m being a stupid unhappy and ungrateful b****** who doesn’t know what is best for herself. I am married to a lovely older man now. No unavailability, he would never treat me bad. In the flushes of excitement of finding a norm decent human being, of finding him, I married him. I guess I will always be a true romantic at heart. now I’m married to a lovely stable man, I am now starting to feel bored and trapped! Will I ever be ruddy happy!! It is loving, granted not the rollercoaster which I suppose nothing ever will be unless it hurts. Have any readers out there had this? I know I’m being very ungrateful but my anxiety is getting bad and I’m not sure why.
Oh god. This is me. Ready to trash everything for the Perfect Man, only too bad he’s a heartless sociopath.
To clarify I’m married to someone wonderful and wasn’t even out of love but nearly junked everything for the chance to have bloody HEATHCLIFF. Now I’m just disconnected and embarrassed.
Mallory,
You are a normal, good person. Once you get conditioned to the rollercoaster of things it starts to feel right (it’s your human way of adapting). If you take the courage to get out to something more stable and sustaining (which you have), you will go through changes. I have had to make major strides in my healing by being aware of my thought process when I encounter good, peaceful things. All of the best things require commitment, so if I’m in a healthy friendship or feeling trapped by an art or music project, I question if it is good for me and if it is I continue no matter how bored or scared I feel and if I struggle through the tediousness the results are nothing short of amazing magic.
Take Care Lots of Love on your journey; you will get there.
Jennifer Xx
I understand this. It’s the desperately wanting relief Now, perfection Now, happily ever after Now that people who’ve suffered a lot of trauma and pain are prone to.
Sadly men who promise these things more often than not are opportunists looking to groom you for narcissistic abuse. I recently fell for someone offering this and the humiliation is awful, despite my having recognized it for what it was fairly quickly and cutting contact. How could I still be such a dummy?
Not necessarily related to this article (www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-being-used-as-a-confidence-booster/ this one actually and some that branch off of it)
Do you guys think it’d be a bad idea to send this to a girl who I’ve recently broke up with? Lol
After many attempts at social media and then deleting it all, after so much of my own art destroyed at my own hand, and after the latest incident in which I sobbed hysterically in part due to the commitment of a cell phone plan (returned it), I realized I have a huge problem. I have a commitment problem.
I realized that I have had the unconscious belief that if I do not get into a romantic relationship then I do not have to face my fear of commitment. WRONG. I realized that if I didn’t want new body piercings to rot off, nor my art to crumble, and my musical growth to stop stagnating, I must take care of it all, i.e., commitment. Then I realized the biggest life lesson of them all…anything worth having takes work and commitment to sustain and often to gain.
I think these fears resonate from attaching to people and then tragically losing them (I’ve had my fair share of that), but if I refuse to go on attaching to anything meaningful, I’m already dead even if I am breathing. So I choose to attach, be vulnerable, and grieve my losses, and be open to new things and better beginnings.
Thanks for all you do Nat, I especially LOVE LOVE this meme. So pretty. So true. So profound.
I need some advice. I have really worked on myself after getting out of a relationship 6month ago. He cheated on me.
I finally decided to do online dating. I recently met a guy who seems decent. We have been on two dates and the last one he held my hand during the movie.
My problem is that he has not given or asked me for my number. On the first date he asked to see me and I said we don’t have each other’s number, he responded with we can email each other on the site we met.
He emails me once or twice a day. I asked him on the email to exchange numbers. He didn’t respond to it.
We have been in contact for just only 2weeks. He asked to see me again next week.
Is it weird and should I be concerned that he hasn’t showed an interest in exchanging numbers? I am thinking of bringing it up on the 3rd date and if he is resistant I don’t want to see him anymore. I am worried that he could be hiding something that’s why he doesn’t want to exchange numbers. Am I over thinking things? Any advice, am trying to learn from the past and look at red flags.
Thanks everyone.
I think he’s hiding something, but hey, that could be my lack of trust talking. Either way, if he’s avoiding the question or offering other avenues than talking on the phone like the good old fashioned way, I think he’s hiding something.
I’m super cautious about giving out my number and even I’m thinking it’s suspicious! Go with your gut!
jos,
He’s hiding something. I would never ever ever go on a date without having a number. My gut resonates that he may have someone he doesn’t want to know he is communicating with you or is online dating.
This reeks of not good. I would be extremely direct and not in person. The thing is you don’t know this person and some people get weird and dangerous with assertiveness. This is the thing about online dating; you just don’t know the person. Though I am not dating, I enjoy close friendships with men and women that evolved over years time organically.
I can’t say online dating doesn’t produce good results (it can); I have witnessed it working, though you must be so so careful, direct, and honest. Be cautious but this all sounds way weird on his part.
TAKE CARE
jos,
I reread your comment. You felt weird about something, brought it up in email, he ignored your assertiveness, then asked to see you again.
I would NEVER respond to this person. Again. You owe him NO explanations (you don’t even know him). He is being incredibly shady and disrespectful. He ignored a valid concern of yours.
Flush! (as Nat says) And as I say, on to the next.
Says something –
One of the things I’ve noticed is that often – with married friends’ male partners – is that their attempts at inappropriate connection with me have nothing to do with me at all. It doesn’t mean I’m so sexy or fascinating that they are overwhelmed with desire. They are testing all the waters – testing, testing – because they hope for an ego stroke.
I agree with you about being clear, but not abrasive. If they are discontent with their self-image, they are behaving flirtatiously with every one who crosses their paths…the waitress at the coffee shop, their wife’s close friend, the girl at the front desk.
I think keeping it light, but clearly saying “never” directly in front of both parties is plenty. And it honors your friend.
Don’t second guess yourself.
Being a single woman leads some men to believe we are waiting breathlessly for small attentions. I am proud to be holding my own, and am waiting for someone who is both emotionally available & – get this !!- attractive to ME, to consider relationship!
Natalie’s book gave me the courage to leave two non-reciprocal relationships (ok, ok, should have learned after the first, but whatever).
The extra noise of unprovoked sexual attentions is really pretty far down the list! (Plus, seriously, I want to contribute to a world where women feel safe & cherished inside my friendship & know that if their man proposes anything I will shut him down immediately).
Trust yourself & hold your edges. You are doing just fine…
Hi Michka,
What you wrote totally makes sense.
“Being a single woman leads some men to believe we are waiting breathlessly for small attentions.”
I will expand on your comment. It seems to me that since they know I am alone, they now have the green light to say whatever they want. If I ‘react’ then their defense is, has been:
You’re too sensitive;
I was just joking;
I was trying to pay you a compliment, and you’re being a bitch;
You’re so volatile, relax.
I also know that they wouldn’t say these things to married women in front of their husbands, not because they are respectful, but because there is a threat of getting their asses kicked.
I’ve been thinking about it, and with other ways that men will attempt to take advantage. I think it is about power and being dominant. There have been times when I know that I am treated in a way that others are not, because there is nobody that is going to stand up with me. Just me. That makes me the weakest link. I’m referring to group dynamics where there are mainly couples. And two couples together within a group can be powerful. Sometimes it’s just circumstantial that I don’t fit in, because they are all thinking in terms of couple activities… And sometimes it’s more negligent/ not their problem when I could’ve used some backup. (Ex. Last year I was the recipient of a verbal and physical ‘attack’ by the woman connected to my exH. Other people I was with chose to ignore what was happening, EVEN AFTER I WENT TO THEM AND SAID OMG DIDN’T YOU SEE WHAT SHE JUST DID TO ME? In the sports arena people can talk shit and purposely injure someone else, then claim it was an incidental consequence of the activity. It’s not. And nobody helped me. They did not want to be involved. I told other people the next day, and they were horrified, saying I should’ve called the police. But I second guessed myself because when it was happening, nobody with me cared or intervened. NOBODY. So I didn’t even have a ‘worthy witness’ because nobody wanted to ‘rock the boat’ by supporting or helping me. I don’t always need the help of others. At that moment I did and I learned the lesson: ‘I am on my own. Even if they all didn’t see and hear exactly what happened, I told them and they all chose inaction and apathy.’
At work, these things do not happen and I have a fairly supportive structure, where boundaries would not be crossed. So I want to clarify that it’s in my personal life, not professional.
So my long drawn out point, if I’m even making sense, is that I’m realizing there is a power dynamic in play that I need to adjust to. Nobody has my back but me. Nobody is going to support me when I am the recipient of an inappropriate comment, or a slight, or a physical assault. Sometimes hearing just one other voice say ‘hey, that’s not ok’ would be helpful. I know I tend to internalize things, like I must somehow deserve shitty treatment. And a huge reason is because often when it DOES happen to me, there are others who accept it as normal through non-reaction or as ‘funny’ or no big deal even when I do . Does that make sense?
Anyhow… Happy Mother’s Day to many readers. I also know this day is bittersweet for many of you. Veracity and Jennifer, thinking of you. MJ, thinking of you especially and sending you a hug. I’m signed up for Nat’s 5/28 NYC day!
Hi Say Something. Your response was directed to Michka, so I hope you don’t mind if I chime in.
Everything you wrote makes complete sense to me and I have experienced those power dynamics myself, especially after my divorce.
Is there a part of you that believes you need a man to protect you?
“Sometimes hearing just one other voice say ‘hey, that’s not ok’ would be helpful. I know I tend to internalize things, like I must somehow deserve shitty treatment. And a huge reason is because often when it DOES happen to me, there are others who accept it as normal through non-reaction or as ‘funny’ or no big deal even when I do . Does that make sense?”
That absolutely makes sense to me. You need support and external validation that what happened was ‘wrong’ and that you didn’t deserve it (it wasn’t your fault). A reality check. The people that were there sound like fair weather friends or acquaintances, they do not have your back. The people at work had your back. My guess is that you generally feel more comfortable, accepted and safe with the people at work.
What you said about the realization that you are on your own, is one I’ve had as well. For me it was a wake-up call that I have to have my own back and protect myself and that I wasn’t doing a very good job of that. I needed to be my own best friend. Needed to recognize and own my power, figure out where my limits were, affirm myself and protect me. I also needed to take responsibility for where I was failing to protect me.
Don’t know if this resonates with you, but I was in the habit of looking for reassurance that what I was thinking/feeling was ‘normal’, realistic (because as a child my reasonable assessments/protests/resistance were treated as ‘bad’ ‘crazy’ ‘wrong’ ‘overreactions’ – my parents distorted reality). I often looked to unhealthy/unreliable people (like mom and dad) to affirm, validate, support me and of course they didn’t do it, so I was left thinking it was me, that I was wrong – which reinforced my doubting my reality. Vicious circle.
Now I’m very careful who I check in with when I need a reality check.
I hope that makes sense and helps!
Thank you for your thoughtfulness, Say Something.
Wishing you a very joyful, peaceful Mother’s Day!
Thank you Veracity,
I’ve been going it ‘alone’ for so long, and my comment about another voice could be either gender to be supportive, not so much protection, but yes it’s a good feeling to know someone has your back. I believe that exists for many people. I tried to participate in an online Brené Brown course, but ended up quitting it when the assignment instructed me to list the names of people in my support system. I drew a blank, and realized I wasn’t going to be successful doing that work, as other people excitedly shared positive comments while I thought damn, I don’t belong here. Cultivating that depth of trust and friendship isn’t going to happen in the weeks of this course. I have already ruined the (long-term) friendships I once had by being too ‘needy’ when I was in trauma. A support system can only take so much pressure.
That must have very been a hard realization to make and very disappointing to feel like you needed to drop the course.
I don’t have a support system either (outside of BR) and I believe it makes everything harder. Like you said, just knowing having someone has your back. I was very supportive of my family and ‘friends’. When I needed them the year I had spine surgery and lost my parents and two siblings, they disappeared. It’s such a painful rejection to deal with.
The friendships from here going forward will be stronger and healthier, my guess is, for both of us.
Say Something,
I am wishing you a beautiful Mother’s Day. I am so upset that I already have a trip planned on the day Natalie is doing the NYC visit. I wanted to be in NYC. I hope you will consider another later date for our show etc. It’s your birthday gift from me.
I can only imagine what this person did to you at the sporting event. If it was really bad I wish you would have called the police. Please don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you. I would have had your back.
I just got betrayed in a work situation this week. I spoke up and let all parties involved know how I felt. I hate hearing fake apologies after people know they do dirt. It was so upsetting. I sat and cried at home. One thing about me I express myself. You want feck me over and not hear me say anything. I don’t internalize crap and put my health at risk.
I hope you are sleeping better. I m not sleeping well and it is showing. My facials can’t fix this lol. I can’t control my nightmares and they have started again.
I went out everyday this week with the exception of the day I got screwed over. Very special social week. I thought about you yesterday when I was cleaning. I thought about what you said. Now that everything is all organized. Now what? A life of order does not guarantee everything lines up.
I am frustrated that I can’t make certain things happen no matter how much work is done. Acceptance can be tough.
NATALIE can you please add another NYC date? I really, really, really wanted to be there.
MJ
Hi MJ,
Good for you for speaking up. I speak up (too much sometimes) at work and I think people know exactly where I stand. What you see is what you get. Sometimes I am so direct that I think others are uncomfortable. Too bad. Stop being vague and non-committal with joint venture propositions, and don’t waste my time. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Oh wait, integrity. Sigh. I am sorry you experienced crap but I applaud you for speaking up, even though it was upsetting.
Thank you for the offer to have my back 🙂 Athletics is a big part of my life, including individual fitness, partnered things like racquet sports, and several team sports including contact sports. So when I was participating on a team where physical contact is present, and I was punched in the head from behind, I initially thought it was accidental. Nobody said a word, and who does that, right? Until 5 minutes later when I’m being shoved (multiple times) and being asked how I liked it. Oh, so of COURSE I must have done something to provoke it because again my own team saw and DID NOTHING and didn’t even come over. WTF. Sometimes there are officials present, sometimes not. This day, NOT. Had this situation happened outside of a game situation, it would clearly be assault. But when NOBODY else there even cared, it threw my judgment like I just had to ‘take it’. I have walked off a team in the past for blatant mistreatment by a teammate and nobody standing up for me, because much better that I’m the scapegoat of someone’s frustration and not them. They all let me take the fall, as I stood up for myself. They all watched, listened, and said NOTHING. 10 years on a team and I had to walk away. Forever. I NEVER caused trouble EVER but I also could not take the verbal abuse by this one person. Let me tell you, the repercussions for me were severe and long lasting and there are still residual consequences. One person the following week’s reply to me was ‘the ones that love you are the ones that abuse you.’ Ummm NO, and I said that. So different team, different venue, years later I again experienced nobody on my side. This time, with physical injuries and probably mild concussion.
I will most definitely plan another trip to NYC. I have NEVER gone ALONE, NOBODY knows I’m going, but I need to now, right, because there isn’t anyone to go with me. I only have a couple ‘blackout’ dates all year. I am more nervous than excited because I will be completely out of my element.
And my sleeping sucks too. 4.5 hours is the new normal. It has never subsided. Two years. Can’t sleep. I’ve been up since 4:45 AM. I understand the exhaustion. I am trying herbal remedies now. Not working yet. Still have lots of organizing to work at. That’s my own little sabotage. It’s the last step before *now what* and I know it. BTW, from a ‘normal person’s’ lense, my day was good. That lingering sadness just persists, but I know if I felt ‘normal’ and not sad, I would truly FEEL the good day. I can’t FEEL it deeply, in that the feeling doesn’t stay with me, but I KNOW I experienced the makings of a good day. So weird. I didn’t used to be this way.
SS,
I am so sorry you had to walk away from something you enjoyed doing. But it sounds like it was dangerous considering the A hole who was hitting you.
This experience ( cheating and lies) has altered the way I live. There are times now I walk away just for the sake of PEACE. I choose my battles carefully.
My family deserted me when I needed them most. Note I have always supported them morally and financially. I stopped doing both.
May we get sleep soon. I am so disappointed about NYC. Ray of light is you saying you would go again later. Just curious. Why are you afraid about going to NYC?
Say Something,
Aww, thaaaaaank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Mothers Day is indeed a tough one, and a family member said some pretty cruel, insensitive things to me to get under my skin (their words rolled off me like water on a ducks back).
And instead of crying most of the day, I reached out and received some pretty magical support. Then I reached out to someone else I thought might be having a bad day and it all worked out.
Take Care Xx
Ps. To Jos –
I not only require a phone number, but a last name & to visit their home before I move toward sexual or romantic connection.
This isn’t just about married men cheating (although that is the most obvious explanation for his behavior).
With my last lover, I broke my rule, & was intimate with him before I visited his home. It was horrible – dirty, smelly, disgusting. It told me that I could never share a life with this man. I wish I had seen it before I started to open my heart, because it was a disturbing reality that I didn’t know what to do with.
I am just now learning that the person presented is the ideal; hold the decisions until you SEE them in reality.
I am working on the patience to build a true picture before I invest myself! The funny thing is that I am a savvy professional, & vet all my work decisions with great care…
Thanks for the advice everyone.
I decided to not see him anymore. I started wondering and being consumed with suspicious thoughts. It’s not worth it. I just met him.
I am happy that am trusting my instincts and not afraid to walk away. I hope other dates will lead to the right individual for me and others looking.