If you were asked who knows you best, who can tell you who you are, who knows how to make you feel good, and who can tell you what’s right and wrong for you, what would your answer be? If it doesn’t start and end with you, it’s saying that you have designated someone, possibly even a few or many people, to be the expert(s) on you.
They are your thought leader, opinion maker, instruction manual, personal mission statement, evaluator, coach, quality assurer, armchair psychologist, consultant, and authority on you. They are your designated expert.
It’s good to have people in your life that you have mutually fulfilling relationships with that you can bounce ideas back and forth with, seek advice, listen to feedback, and feel a high level of trust in that what they say is with careful consideration and thought that has you and your best interests at the heart of it – but they can’t live your life for you. They can’t make you ‘whole’, tell you how to be ‘good enough’, and do all the hard work of figuring out your life for you and making it all right. Even if they can help on this front, you still have to do the grunt work.
You can of course pay people for their expertise or find authorities on certain aspects of your life such as career, interests etc, but even then, aside from ensuring that they are qualified, authoritative and capable of their role, they still can’t create your life for you because you are the one who has to reflect their guidance in your actions and mentality plus you would still have the right to tweak and customise to suit you.
When couples assume that they know it all, they become complacent, forgetting that while it won’t be at the same rate as it was in the early days, that there’s always new things to be learned about our partners.
When individuals assume that others know it all, they become helpless and dependent on external sources of validation, which is like living your life hooked up to a ventilator or life support – you’re letting other people do your functioning for you. Lose them, lose your purpose, lose your identity.
What I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt is that only someone who is shady would be happy occupying the expert role in your life on a full time basis – for everyone else it starts to feel exhausting, draining and even suffocating. People who genuinely love, care about, and respect you, will want you to make up your own mind and for you to be you…not them.
Ironically, some of the very people that you seek ‘expertise’ from are not even experts in their own lives. There’s a disconnect between their actions, words, and values they profess to have and they’re possibly even deluded about who they really are – they may think that the sun shines out of their ass, possibly because you’ve stuck a pump up there and keep inflating them into someone who they’re not, which will only be exacerbated by you anointing them as an expert. It’s also why you won’t see through their bullshit because you’ll be too busy idolising them and imagining being a ‘better’ person by proxy.
There’s nothing more uncertain than a life based on the whims, opinions and agendas of other people.
If you offload the highest ranking expert role to other people, you immediately communicate that your own mind and opinion has no value. If you offload the responsibility to people who are actually under-qualified to be an expert on you in the first place, you also communicate that you’re malleable and an ideal ‘mark’ for being taken advantage of, or even abused.
I have people around me that know me very well and who I trust, but I know me and my own mind and have a final say on who I am and what I do. Any choices I make, any perception I have of me, is rooted in what I have learned about me. People can tell me things, but I’m not so desperate to offload my interior that I can be told something and then shelve my own thoughts to replace them with someone else’s.
Who are you giving the final say on who you are and what you do to? If you are in unhealthy relationships and are unhappy, you are giving everyone else but yourself the final say. You are not making your decisions and you’re not validating you.
Bearing in mind how caught up we all are in ourselves, it’s also important to remember that often, people who struggle with empathy, will tell you what to be and do based on their own insecurities instead of thinking of you.
If you don’t know who you are, and you’d be amazed at the sheer volume of people that admit this to me, it’s time you found out. Fast. Many people when given the chance to sit with their own thoughts and spend time in their own company, get ‘itchy’ and have to seek out something external to scratch it…and wind up in problems again.
If you can’t take the time to spend 3, 6 or even 12 months making a positive investment in you by getting to know you and building upon what you learn, you have no business chasing a relationship – it’s the equivalent of chasing someone to mould you. It’s also desperate.
Show up as a fully formed person instead of someone with a person shaped hole. Be the lead expert on you.
Open up your mind and become acquainted with all of your feelings, good, bad, and indifferent. Discover what you want to be, where you want to go, what you want to do, and how you’re going to get there. What are your values? Find out and then look at the ways in which you can live a life that reflects those values. Boundaries?
What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What doesn’t work for you? You have a life resume to work from to give you some vital clues. Think of times that you’ve been really happy for more than a few moments – write them down. Why were you happy? Are there other times that you’ve felt similarly? Do you have hobbies, interests, ambitions, plans, goals? Have you forgotten these while chasing tail and validation? If you have none of these, get them.
What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? We all have them – accepting that you have them and working with them to lessen the impact and even improve them is pivotal instead of writing yourself off. Learn how to make a decision. Find out what your ‘hooks’ are so that you recognise where you need to be extra self-aware.
Ask yourself:
What have I done for me lately?
What do I think, need and want? You do know that it’s not just about what others think, need, and want…don’t you?
Be committed to you because being an expert at anything requires commitment, which is all the more reason why you should never allow someone who isn’t a committed, loving, caring, trustworthy stakeholder in a relationship with you, whether it’s in a friendly, familial, or romantic relationship capacity, have any expertise and decision making responsibilities in your life, unless they’re going to give you the down low on how to get rid of them out of your life…
If you’re trying to have relationships without your own life in hand, you’re effectively looking around for someone to make your life for you – that’s just too much to expect. Become the expert on you and stop letting everyone else pull your strings – if anyone is going to have their hand up the backside of your life and be behind the controls, it’s got to be you.
Your thoughts?
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“Do you have hobbies, interests, ambitions, plans, goals? Have you forgotten these whilst chasing tail and validation?”
Oh hell yes.
It is FRIGHTENING how much of myself got blanked out or pushed into the background whilst I was analysing and ruminating on the EUM, the situation, what I could do and the coulda shoulda wouldas. But, having realised that, it’s also frightening how much of my life before that has been spent floating about, trying to grasp onto things that I could do and trying to define myself.
Disorganisation and a lack of confidence/self-esteem and sheer laziness has often prevented me from living the life that I wanted, or even working out what it was. And what’s scary isn’t that I was looking for someone else to do that for me, and drag me into fun fulfilling activities, it’s that I thought that was a normal and a healthy reason to pursue a relationship.
Waste of my teens. Waste of my twenties. Too much life gone by already.
Thank you for the practical tips (I am going to sit down and make a list after I press Submit). I have to admit, though, that in the evening over the past few months I’ve sat down, watched a programme on the telly and eaten a small treat with a cup of tea – tonight it was one of those little trifle pots… and I’ve LOVED it! I know that it’s hardly the last word in excitement but after years of considering myself too fat/too indolent/too skint to eat stuff for enjoyment and considering tv a waste of time when I could be flagellating myself for everything that’s happened, it’s really nice to be letting myself feel a bit spoilt and comfy again 🙂
Small steps, small steps…
“Disorganisation and a lack of confidence/self-esteem and sheer laziness has often prevented me from living the life that I wanted, or even working out what it was. And what’s scary isn’t that I was looking for someone else to do that for me, and drag me into fun fulfilling activities, it’s that I thought that was a normal and a healthy reason to pursue a relationship”.
Gawd, yoghurt, that was me too! It really is scary that we thought this was normal in a relationship, isn’t it?! And equally as scary is that my epiphany ex was JUST THE SAME!!! Totally wished to absolve himself of any responsibility for anything, and said he was attracted to me because he thought I would provide lots of “fun” things for him/us to do (also, read “distraction”). Just as he had with all his previous partners, and many of his friends & family too. Just as I had with mine. Eeek.
That sounds VERY familiar
On the odd (rare) occasion that me and the EUM decided to do something that wasn’t talking about ourselves, it always ended up like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGTWmrnPdgk
I think we were probably just both floundering under the expectations of the other, to the point where neither of us could ever make any decision.
50% people attract 50% people, I guess. If we want 100% people then we’ve got to get OURSELVES to 100% first.
Haha – the vultures clip sounded very familiar indeed! 😀
The ex and I definitely dragged each other down a slippery spiral of inaction and laziness. And he wasn’t the first man I’ve been like that with, so I’m finally starting to fully acknowledge that some of it was therefore down to me. You’re dead right, yogurt, that we need to get our own houses in order before we can entertain a healthy relationship with anyone else.
“And he wasn’t the first man that I’d been like that with, so I’m finally starting to acknowledge that some of it was therefore down to me”.
Me too.
The thing is that I remember the very very few things that we did do as uncomfortable, awkward and hassley, and I always came back feeling bad about myself. I guess, looking back, that that was partly because he felt uncomfortable, awkward and hassled too. There wasn’t any genuine “I want to do this ace thing with you because you’ll make it better because you’re ace too. And I genuinely want to experience the ace things that you enjoy” impetus to it.
Instead it was “I want to be someone who does things and I know that you do too. So let’s do something. We’ll ignore the fact that neither of us feel like it because you’re depressed and I feel like I’m under scrutiny and it makes me tremendously nervous but, so’s you know, we both HAVE to enjoy this otherwise we’re both worthless. No pressure, like.” Or something similar.
It’s a mystery to me why it didn’t work out, it really is. :/
And what’s scary isn’t that I was looking for someone else to do that for me, and drag me into fun fulfilling activities, it’s that I thought that was a normal and a healthy reason to pursue a relationship.
Yep. I think back on other relationships that I knew were toxic, yet I stayed until the my self fulfilling prophecy came true (that being I knew they were dangerous people who, wow can you believe it, turned out to be…wait for it…THEIR UNAVAILABLE SELVES!) and the thing I knew I kept clinging too as validation as to why I was with this person….I WANTED TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING. So starved to feel as I belonged, I was (working on making it past tense anyway) willing to accept crumbs, poor treatment, activities where I knew I was devaluing myself, self destructive behavior, you name it.
It’s going to be almost a year of me being s ingle and I don’t know what made me even sign up on a dating website when all the men that email me end up being tools.
Once again…I need to figure out what it is that I want in my life without a man in it. I want to go to grad school, I want to move on from my past and stop letting it define me, I want to be a better person and most of all I want to be happy within my means and environment.
Right on Nat…I know me better than myself and I need to figure out how to be whole without a dude by my side!
For Everyone on this site: I can’t tell you how great you feel after 30 minutes on treadmill and then doing some exercises at a GYM. I LOVE doing this before work in the morning & have far better energy than if I had slept a few extra hours. (pack gear night before, set alarm, drink 1 cup coffee if you must… and OUT the Door)! Oh yeah, go to bed early….why not, it is better than TV or crying/thinking of your X…
Endorphins really kick in and free you from Mental Anguish. And a bargain bonus: You tone up, look great, drop weight, get and feel healthier.
If in time we are blessed with an actual Good Match of a Man to come our way?… we will be READY, Willing, and Able…
Angel Face, agree 100%. I was at the gym on the treadmill this morning running wind sprints!!! LOL. For that blessed time, I was flooded with oxygen and endorphins, and was listening to great music. Total win-win. I’m already in good shape but think with my daily gym commitment I’ll head into summer in great shape. So – I know I like that!!!! I also like high rep circuit training with light weights, keeping my heart rate up the whole time.
I also know NOW that what I intensely DISLIKE is erratic behavior. I really value consistency and reliability in a person – with some verbal articulation given if things change. Yep, guess I have my homework along these lines.
Amen joining the gym is one of the best things I have done for myself, I may not have lost a whole lot of weight but for my mental health it has been invaluable.
I too sleep better and achieve much more in my day.
Hallelujah, Angelface! You are right on the mark.
Exercise is The. Very. Best. Way. to improve your mood, feel better about yourself, get in shape, and distract yourself from thoughts of an EUM or AC who doesn’t deserve a millisecond of your thoughts or an iota of your headspace.
I don’t even own a TV; haven’t for years. When I sometimes visit my parents and the TV is on as background noise, or if we sit together and watch some mindless drivel together, I just come away feeling …. well…. “dirty”. I think exercise — no matter how light — is a much better option.
I have a friend who is just extricating herself from a terrible and tawdry affair wtih an EUM / MM. I watched her self-esteem plummet — predictably and right before my eyes — as the affair dragged on and EUM kept pulling incomprehensible shenanigans out of his bag of tricks. I have pointed her to this website, have seized upon her half-hearted suggestions to join me at Yoga, and have watched her emerge from the inevitable disappointment and heartache of her so-called “relationship” in record time.
Oh, and she met a cute guy at Yoga she’s been flirting with … that probably helps too. 😉
AngelFace, I completely agree!
“What have I done for me lately?”
I’ve gotten myself in good enough shape to do a 1.5 mile run around a beautiful nearby lake, even in 32 degree weather with the wind in my face. I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life and never been athletic so, for me, this is hugely empowering. The BEST drug. If I can do that at my age and weight, there is no man who can ever send me over a cliff.
Ditto Angel Face (except that I go after work). It can definitely make a difference aside from physical health.
I’m right along with everyone else, excercise is not only good for the body but for the mind and the soul too. Its true when you feel good inside and outside you have a whole new outlook, at least that’s my take on it. That and a new do and a mani pedi, my world is complete.
Just read this post and it is excellent food for thought. I do have yet more soul searching to do based on some of the questions there. I think the progress of knowing and enlightening oneself is never-ending.
There is so much that I do not know “out there”. When I go into new territories I like having others to bounce ideas off of – and this forum has given me some great feedback, as have my good friends, during confusing times. Sometimes they’ve been there, done that and give a perspective in which I learn something. Or maybe I am too close to a situation to have a good handle on it. Still, all the information and advice I run through my own personal gut check.
Yet – if I just listened solely to myself as to what feels good and bad – maybe I wouldn’t need that outside validation of whether it actually IS good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable or totally screwed. My heart and my intuition are generally pretty accurate. My ego and my mind, in their attempts to rationalize, are not always helpful.
Lesson for me is that I think I am too quick to trust, to love, to open up, to believe – so says my best guy friend (who is also an ex boyfriend) who saw me fall for a former EUM boyfriend as well as the most current future faker who apparently just dumped me, and noted my over-enthusiasm about each. He said – hold some of yourself back! Let time validate their words! (I wish I had more in common with that guy, I’d be with him.) His observation made sense and I will incorporate it going forward. He has also been my best ally in saying “Red Flag!!” when I run confusing male behavior by him. The latest was deemed, “Asshole!” I am going to have an “exit?” conversation with the apparent future faker soon and this will bear out my guy friend’s comment. Though he has not been wrong yet. (For me – see – I KNOW what he did to me was not nice. But I had a history of “nice” with him and so could not bring myself to believe it – this is a fault, apparently.)
Ok this week is National Dump Your Significant Jerk week. Feb 4-10. Just had to pass this along b/c hearing this made me happy 🙂
WOW!! I’ve been reading this site religiously since May 2011 and this post couldn’t have come at a better time! I was just writing in my ‘Feelings Diary’ and I put this quote in it that I found on twitter:
“You can’t let other people tell you who you are. You have to decide that for yourself.”
I’ve been going through A LOT in the past year: career drama, boy drama, friend drama, family drama and self drama pretty much and I’m finally pausing to figure some things out. Who am I? What do I really like? What do I really want? I’ve been making a lot of appointments to catch up with friends and old colleagues to pick their brains but I’m realizing that what I really wanted was for them to tell me what to do in life. I will accept that figuring out what I want is MY responsibility and I will enjoy the journey. Thanks NML!! <3
“When individuals assume that others know it all, they become helpless and dependent on external sources of validation, which is like living your life hooked up to a ventilator or life support – you’re letting other people do your functioning for you. Lose them, lose your purpose, lose your identity”.
Natalie, my blood ran cold tonight reading this, because it perfectly describes the way I had become by the end of my epiphany relationship a year ago. I was completely lost, didn’t know who the hell I was or what I liked/disliked/thought any more. It was like my inner core was made of wobbly jelly and my mind felt weak. Even my ex, on seeing what I was like towards the end, said “I think I’ve de-stabilised you”. Apart from this showing that he was yet again making it all about him – when it was equally about me and my own issues – he was actually right. By that time, I idolised him and looked to him for guidance and decision-making – I was living a massive amount of my life through him and what he wanted to do, or decided was best. And yet, looking back in cold light of day after months and months of NC, I can see that your words here perfectly describe the stark reality of my Fakey/Flaky/Fantasist ex-partner:- “Ironically, some of the very people that you seek ‘expertise’ from are not even experts in their own lives. There’s a disconnect between their actions, words, and values they profess to have and they’re possibly even deluded about who they really are”. Oh yes, that was definitely him. By his own admission (to someone else, not to me) he was making a mess of his own life. Looking for guidance from someone like that, and handing over responsibility for huge chunks of my life and happiness to him, it’s no wonder I was de-stabilised! It’s been a long haul rebuilding that inner core out of something more substantial than jelly, and it’s still under construction. I’ve realised that I’ve been in the habit of handing over the responsibility for much of my life to so many others, from my parents onwards to friends and partners. It made for some unhealthily co-dependent relationships. It’s time I took up the reins for myself.
Thanks so much for this post, Natalie, it’s another piece in the jigsaw puzzle of life that I’m slowly putting together.
Right there with you, RadioGirl, word for word. Fakey/Flaky/Fantasist ex-partner; wobbly jelly core; turning over responsibility for self to others…yep, yep, yep.
One thing I’m finding about the renovating process that surprised me is: it’s actually fun. I was so very scared to begin the process, but once I started, and got some momentum, it became interesting, and a reward loop developed. Trying out new things, pushing the comfort zone, being OK with falling on my face…
Yep, it would’ve been great to have done this in my 20s, 30s, or early 40s, but damn if this isn’t the perfect time as well.
Yep same here, Tea Cozy – at the age of 52 I’m beginning to develop a thirst for new experiences in life that I haven’t felt since I was a teenager! It feels good to emerge blinking into the sunlight of self-determination and self-reliance.
Karina. You could not have expressed my sentiment better. For as far as I can remember I’ve always asked others opinions about what I should do in this situation or that. I’ve never felt confident in making a decision and believing it’s right because I made it. One of the very few times in my life I made a very important decision followed by immediate action was when I kicked the married man out of my life by maintaining NC. I’d suffered so much persecution of my self-esteem, shame, guilt, anger, fear, disgust , you name it because I allowed myself to engage in that affair. I am learning more and more everyday who I am and what I want for myself. As a matter of fact I have to disappoint someone tonight because she wants me to join her and live her dream. But, I’ve come to realize that her dream is not my dream and I’m really tired of hearing about it. So, without asking anyone else’s opinion I’m going to do what makes ME comfortable. I’ve had to go through the fire to come out from the other side, whole. But still, it is an on-going process. That’s life we are constantly evolving and learning how to live better for ourselves, and not to please everyone else.
“If you can’t take the time to spend 3, 6 or even 12 months making a positive investment in you by getting to know you and building upon what you learn, you have no business chasing a relationship – it’s the equivalent of chasing someone to mould you. It’s also desperate.”
Aaaaaamen Nat! I took a full year and I’m going out on my first date this weekend. I’m so glad I took the time, because not only did I clearly desperately need it, but I gained a lot more confidence in myself. Admittedly, I really only turned the corner into being fully ready to have dinner with a dude recently, but I got there and I got there the right way. I have a friend that I love dearly, but tends to assume she’s the expert in all matters. She was pushing me for some time to start dating and even told me that she was “taking control” of my love life, but I stuck to my guns. I figured, “Jesus, if I can stick up for myself with a friend I’ve known for over a decade, obviously I can handle not getting roped in should an assclown cross my path.”
Amazing how confidence builds upon itself. I’ve had a truly insane time at work lately and, if this were a few years ago, I’d be sitting around saying, “Bah! They’re all going to think I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s going to be AWFUL.” No such thoughts this time 🙂
😀 How fab – hope it goes well!
I know what you mean about work. I had someone pay me a fairly hefty compliment today and for a short while I felt bad and guilty that I’d obviously ‘fooled’ them into thinking that I’m great when I’m not really, and even got onto thinking that maybe I should apologise and explain that I don’t deserve the compliment (cos that wouldn’t be weird!). Then I copped onto myself and thought “Hang on! Maybe I just AM great? Hell yeah!”
It was nice. It’s still a conscious effort though, so maybe I’m not quite ready to be dating just yet…
“Then I copped onto myself and thought “Hang on! Maybe I just AM great? Hell yeah!”
Hell yeah INDEED Yoghurt!! 🙂 I think that’s one of the major signs of progress – when we realize that whatever self-defeating thought we’re going to have/action we’re going to take is not in line with reality, i.e. that we’re great. It’s awesome that you’re being recognized for a job well done and, even more importantly, that you’re taking the well deserved praise to heart!
Thank you so much for the good wishes for my upcoming evening with a gentleman caller haha! You know how I knew I was ready? This isn’t very eloquent, but I basically said to myself, “Oh, for f*ck’s sake Natasha, go on the damn date. If he sucks, you won’t go out with him again.” I’m thinking maybe I should do a line of profanity-laced, yet heartfelt affirmation tapes?! (I don’t think Amazon would have me.)
You got it Natasha and I thought it was perfectly eloquent. You are the expert on you so if you decide you don’t want to see the gentleman (assuming he is one) caller again, you get to decide. It’s really inspiring to see how much folks have changed over the last year when I finally found BR and some sanity. I loved Natalie’s posts on dating as a discovery phase. It didn’t dawn on me that it was just a date and I didn’t have to marry them (or sleep with them).
Good luck to you. Don’t forget to have a little fun and order something yummy. And let us know, if you’re comfortable? It’s inspiring to hear these success stories. You are the expert on you.
Yoghurt, you are GREAT my dear! I love your comments.
“It didn’t dawn on me that it was just a date and I didn’t have to marry them (or sleep with them).”
And weeeeelcome to my (thankfully) former world! Loved your whole comment Runner – thank you so much for the good wishes lady 🙂 It’s tomorrow night and I will most def post an update on the evening hehe! It really is amazing how much a lot of us have changed. Staggering if you think about it! Thank you again for the good luck!!
p.s. If he sucks, it will probably still be a good story. Trust.
p.p.s. I will most likely order the lobster. Kidding! (Not really.)
I think that profanity-laced affirmation tapes are a BRILLIANT idea. I would definitely order some, There’s definitely a niche in the market for a ‘He’s Not That F*cking Special’ one in there… get on it!
thanks runnergirl – you’re pretty darn great yoursen 🙂
Karina. You could not have expressed my sentiment better. For as far as I can remember I’ve always asked others opinions about what I should do in this situation or that. I’ve never felt confident in making a decision and believing it’s right because I made it. One of the very few times in my life I made a very important decision followed by immediate action was when I kicked the married man out of my life and have maintained NC. I had suffered so much persecution of my self-esteem, shame, guilt, anger, fear, disgust , you name it because I allowed myself to engage in that affair. It over, and I am learning more and more everyday who I am and what I want for myself. As a matter of fact I have to disappoint someone tonight because she wants me to join her and live her dream. But, I’ve come to realize that her dream is not my dream and I’m really tired of hearing about it. So, without asking anyone else’s opinion I’m going to do what makes ME comfortable. I’ve had to go through the fire to come out the other side, whole. But still, it is an on-going process. That’s life. We are constantly evolving and learning how to live better for ourselves, and not to please any and everyone else.
I don’t know if for all of you ladies if it feels like owning your expertise on yourselves is as potentially daunting, challenging, and exhilarating as trying to own an expertise in an area of professional life – for me, developing one teaches me about developing the other.
I’m about to do a poster presentation next week at The Big American Scientists Conference (it’s not really called that). As some of you know, I’m a poet, and am writing a PhD about a poet. I have become, startlingly, one of a handful of experts on the writer I have chosen. But I am the only person to decide to look at him the way I have. I am the only person to use my reasons to say this writer is worth knowing.
I keep feeling like someone is going to come along and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. But that’s not going to happen. No one else has taken the time to develop my expertise. They’ll listen to me, decide if it interests them or is useful, and go on their merry way.
I have imagined that these scientists are going to laugh at me. And they might, if I try to pass myself off as a scientist. But that’s how I have been approaching this presentation. What will they believe? What do they care about? Etc. etc. Sure, there’s a need to know one’s audience, but there’s a point where you just have to have confidence and sell. I decided I have no control over how they receive me, I can only control what I put forward of myself. I have decided that I am what I am, I’m not a scientist, I won’t pretend to be or apologize for it. I have a story I think they should be interested in. I think its worth hearing. I think its worth considering as informing a number of areas of scientific thought. That is – that has to be – enough for me.
As I was presenting myself to a new man on a date, I saw that I don’t like feeling like there is a big gap between what I present and what they’ll find out eventually. I used to defend against this by listing my faults. When I was the expert on me before, I was the expert on all that was wrong with me, all the ways I let myself down, all the ways I had been hurt.
I am collecting new data on me. Data about my strengths, my reliabilities, my vulnerabilities, my loves and my aversions. When I present myself as someone worth knowing and worth keeping, someone might able to come along and question my thesis, but I’ll know my own data, and consider my own argument pretty strong. I am the expert on me, and I say that me is pretty great.
Oh so much so Magnolia. I found myself in several lawsuits against the school district, including lawsuits against the exMM who represented the district and is an attorney. I won every case and became “an expert” in First Amendment law and other areas of Ed Law. I’m still being portrayed as an “expert”, although I’m not sure how that happened. Is all I think , I d id my homework. I totally understand how you think that somebody is going to come along and say X. Nope. You’ve done your homework. You are the expert. It has been totally hard for me to accept that I’m an expert. I just got a email from the exMM on an ed law question cos he said, I’m the expert . Yeah well, he needs to get a new attorney. Cos I’m an expert, he said so. yeah.
“When individuals assume that others know it all, they become helpless and dependent on external sources of validation, which is like living your life hooked up to a ventilator or life support – you’re letting other people do your functioning for you.”
This is right along the lines with my struggle in raising the bar with myself.
My self esteem is low, but I have come a long way, and I am making strides in raising it – through therapy and also making better choices for myself – daily. BELIEVING I am worth it. NOT having contact with Mr. Married (or anyone who doesn’t treat me with kindness, love, care and respect!). Every time I make the choice to disengage with those people (a.k.a. any man I’ve ever been involved with), I validate my worth just a little more. It feels unnatural, but it feels good.
If I believe in my inner voice, believe I am a worthy human being, then I will trust myself more – and make healty choices.
One of my favorite quotes is “what other people think of me is none of my business”. When I was a sex-worker (stripper for 10 years from ages 19-29), I used to shout that saying from the rooftops. It did me no good, however, because what I thought of myself at the time was no better than what others thought of me. It’s been 15 years and I am still working on my self-worth, but happy to share I am making great strides.
Thank you for another reminder that we are worth it.
Sending love from California,
Christine
Christine…
Thanks for your honesty..
That damn self esteem huh!!
I could hear 15 times a day what a Great Gal I am ,How beautiful I am,how nice I am…And I still would not believe it…But I’m starting!!
I realize that I won’t seek approval from any man again..Hell I used to ask them if I were great,beautiful yadda yadda yadda…I cringe at the thought…
I all but gave them my blueprints to see how low I really say myself,If I cant accept who I am why should they????
You are not your past luv…You are a woman here today looking for the same answers as we all are…And what a glorious place to be..
When individuals assume that others know it all, they become helpless and dependent on external sources of validation, which is like living your life hooked up to a ventilator or life support – you’re letting other people do your functioning for you. Lose them, lose your purpose, lose your identity.
I left my childhood having no idea who I was, I acted like I was helpless, lost and desperate because I was. I looked for external sources of validation because I did not understand that I had responsibility for myself.
I believe this also taps into the fantasy side of life and why you believe that someone will fix you and fill the massive gaping void you have in your life.
I got so caught up in my ex ac I thought he was the one, my thinking was if he could love me then I could love me. I would be worthy of life and living it. What a miserable miserable three years I had in that relationship as NML said you open yourself to abuse and I did. But in many ways after the relationship ended I started to understand I had to live my life and take responsibility for it.
But part of my hang up on the ex eum (as opposed to the ex ac) was the same thing I wanted him to fix something in me something I have to be responsible for and fix for me.
I have come a long away but still have a long way to go, a huge part of it though is knowing and accepting NOBODY can live your life for you and at the end of the day you are indeed responsible for yourself.
Thanks for such an insightful, timely and helpful post Nat.
This is exactly where I’m at in my life, I’ve realised the most important relationship I need to have in my life at the moment is with me and until I like\love\know ME then there is not much point in pursuing or investing time and energy into someone else.
I’ve spent the last few years of my life running around expecting everyone else to give me the answers on how to live my life. Damn I have actually said out loud I just wish someone would come along, pick me up and make it all better! I think this all came from being in a very long term relationship where I lived two peoples lives (mine and his) that when it finally ended I honestly had no idea on how to live just one life…. My own. I had spent 13 years defining myself within this relationship and it turned out to be a lie. Who the hell am I? Still not totally sure but I’m on the right path to figuring it out.
I’m making plans and the only constant in those plans is me 🙂 And these plans don’t involve meeting or having someone special in them. These are things that I’ve always wanted to do, but have always used some excuse not to do them (normally the ex), I don’t have the excuses anymore, there is no one else to consider but me.
Wow, Preach It Natalie!!! Your advice keeps getting better and better. I Loved when you said
“Ironically, some of the very people that you seek ‘expertise’ from are not even experts in their own lives. There’s a disconnect between their actions, words, and values they profess to have and they’re possibly even deluded about who they really are……”
During the past many months of me Reading, and Thinking about, and Practicing the good advice you are telling me, I AM BECOMING STRONGER and HAPPIER.
I’m still making an effort to do something in a social group each week, and with people that I don’t know. I’m hoping to broaden my interests, meet new people, and be a happier woman. I’m hoping the Best for all the people on this site…. all the tears and heartaches, transitioning to something better.
If you don’t know who you are, and you’d be amazed at the sheer volume of people that admit this to me, it’s time you found out. Fast.
Oh dear. I knew who I was but when you get out of fantasy relationship or battling other issues you can lose sight of yourself. Fantasy relationships can do such huge levels of damage that once you leave but want to accidentally on purpose get them back, you can actually wipe out yourself, entirely.
I’ve only been in fantasy relationships with people who are EUM or AC. With available people, things actually work and there is no trigger for me to morph into anything. The less effort they put in, the more dangerous and damaging it is. In fact, in my last proper relationship I our break up was the *best* break up ever! Everything had run its course for the both of us and we both stepped off. It took only 2 days to feel better, and no tears. They were an environmentally minded person and I felt no need to take on their interests at all.
Compare that to the EUM AC’s that I’ve tried to morph into post-break up. Crazy!
I really liked the ‘What are my values’ worksheet. I daresay a ‘who am I’ worksheet would be awesome. Who am I? A recovering fallback spending 12 months (or a little more) working on myself and off-loading huge amounts of baggage, and planning an awesome future post-study!
Ugh I remember an ex boyfriend (AC) practically telling me who I was only a few weeks into the relationship. He claimed to just ‘know’ who I was even talking about different traits he saw in me including ‘abandonment issues’..etc. etc. At the time I felt a little bit patronizing and felt a bit put on edge..this person I hardly knew conducting this private psychoanalysis on me that he didn’t ever really share, he just implied that he had me all worked out and all this other lark making the odd offhand remark.
He would also tell me how I feel or should feel about certain things like ‘if you were me you would feel the same’. Conversely, he would never understand when I tried to explain to him about how I felt about his various misdemeanors claiming I was being a ‘drama queen’ and ‘blowing things out of proportion’ completely dismissing my concerns…Arg. Winds me up even thinking about that. ‘I’M NOT YOU!’..
Never again will I let someone tell me who I am or tell me how I should feel about something..everyone is different and thank god I don’t think like he does!
I just had to say that you are on the money! As you so often are. You’re a seriously wise lady.
“Ironically, some of the very people that you seek ‘expertise’ from are not even experts in their own lives. There’s a disconnect between their actions, words, and values they profess to have and they’re possibly even deluded about who they really are – they may think that the sun shines out of their ass, possibly because you’ve stuck a pump up there and keep inflating them into someone who they’re not, which will only be exacerbated by you anointing them as an expert. It’s also why you won’t see through their bullshit because you’ll be too busy idolising them and imagining being a ‘better’ person by proxy.”
Did that many times in romantic (real & pseudo) relationships; usually it was me sticking pumps up their asses to further inflate their already-inflated asstastic egos. BIG mistake. Major culprit? Not trusting myself. Still a struggle from time to time, but nowhere NEAR as bad as it was even a few years ago. The same can be applied to non-romantic relationships too, for those of you who don’t think so.
———————————
“If you don’t know who you are, and you’d be amazed at the sheer volume of people that admit this to me, it’s time you found out. Fast. Many people when given the chance to sit with their own thoughts and spend time in their own company, get ‘itchy’ and have to seek out something external to scratch it…and wind up in problems again.”
That doesn’t surprise me one bit, along with the sheer amount of people who can’t bear to sit with themselves in peace & quiet to seriously & deeply examine themselves. It’s kinda sad because the world could be a better place if more people did this.
———————————
It’s good to be an expert at something as powerful as knowing oneself. As usual, good post. Off to read comments…
Yikes. Just read my comment & need to clarify for my own sake:
“Did that many times in romantic (real & pseudo) relationships; usually it was me sticking pumps up their asses to further inflate their already-inflated asstastic egos.”
I did this with people outside of the relationship – I’d ask certain friends for advice. Looking back though, not only did I not know what the hell I was doing, but neither did they! And they were usually even more screwed up than me when it came to relationships. Never again. 😐
Nat and ladies!!Greetings from Canada..
I am quickly becoming the expert on me!I see it in the everyday little issues,in my words,my thoughts!
It’s the most powerful thing really,to be learning about who Brenda is,what she deserves,what her worth is…
I was thinking the other day about the whole dating thing,and I always go back to what NML says….Dont date without your selfesteem in tact,at least I think thats what she said….
I remember that every time I am getting that feeling of wanting to get out there again,I am house,but I am only building the foundation….The house in far from completed.
But the work is in progress…
Personally, I do this a lot. I am guilty of constantly second guessing myself and seeking validation from others. And, I truly need to stop this behavior. Case in point, I’m launching a business and I asked for feedback on a project that I’ve recently completed to get my business started. I know exactly the direction and vision that I have for my business. However, when I asked for feedback from the EUM, I was met with a barrage of his opinions about what I could and should be doing.
A lot of times, the people we seek approval from are far worse off than we are and project their own fears, insecurities and jealousy. These individuals can smell lack of self-esteem, and use your insecurity to propel themselves.
It’s also very telling , to notice that when you are grounded in your own being, which “friends” and family SUPPORT and trust this, and which are uncomfortable with it. Some friends simply cannot accept that you know what’s best for you and aren’t bothered by them having a different opinion. I have noticed also that friends that are also grounded in their own being, don’t question, nag, or push their opinion of YOUR life onto you. In fact, they look back to YOU for YOUR say on your life, and support it with little or no question, although they will, gently, pose ideas for you to ponder if they think you might be off-track.
Very astute point, yoshizzle.
I’ve noticed in a few of my friends a tendency to be a leeeeetle too inquisitive about my lovelife and/or my professional life, and I realized that they actually have issues of their own in both of those arenas that they seem to be avoiding.
While I know they want the best for me, and see their inquisitions as being helpful, it feels a bit like being nanny’d, especially now that I’ve taken many steps, large and small, to overhaul my life. I’m no longer the completely confused and misdirected person I was a year ago (in large part due to NML’s excellent work on this site).
So, recently, I’ve begun to calmly but firmly set boundaries with my friends. I’ve pulled back from asking their advice on every little choice I make, and no longer feel the need to vent to them when I’m in the sometimes anxious phase of trying to make a choice.
The awareness of boundaries wasn’t something I had at all until I found BR — thank you, Natalie, for all your writings on that topic.
I sometimes wonder whether this is a problem particular to women. Many women’s conversations I overhear are either all about criticizing and patronizing each other, or complaining about a third party (partner, superior, coworker, parents…).
I’ve had lots of such conversations with former friends in the past, but they rarely (if ever) helped me to solve any problem. It was way more helpful to simply watch what other, more successful people were doing (rather than listening to the “advice” of someone who didn’t succeed either), to google or to read books. That was true not only for my love life, but also for my career or even for practical issues in the household.
Unfortunately, this kind of behavior didn’t make me very popular with my friends. They sometimes seemed to hate me outright for actually doing something about my problems! In the past, I even refrained myself from seeking solutions because it might have cost me their “friendship”!
I think a lot of this was basically avoidant behavior. There is no need to blame the other side, because I participated in this behavior – even if it made me utterly miserable!
So many times in my life I have sought out the advice and opinions of others, because I have never been certain of my own feelings. My feelings, after all, were always on the backburner, stuck behind some EUM’s needs and wants. I dumped my assclown seven months ago, and it’s been a hellish ride. I just found out from a mutual friend that he’s acting like a rogue with the ladies. Right now, I’m positively reeling. All the work I’ve done on myself and my self-esteem and beliefs these last months, and this bit of news has made me feel like I’m back at square 1. A big jiggling mass of insecure jelly. I feel like lost, humiliated… sidelined, hurt. I feel like I need to go outward and seek others’ advice to overcome this, but I know I have to start practising self-care first. It’s just so damn hard. Ugh. It’s a moment like this that really tests you.
Kerry..
Please don’t Forget about all the work you have done,Because this Schmuck of A man…
Be proud of yourself,Don’t worry about what he is doing,or who he is doing..And for God sake,Don’t ask your Mutual freinds how or what he is doing…You are opening yourself to further pain and rejection…I work with the Sister of the ex EUM…I don’t ask anymore,and she no longer gives me updates..I told her I didn’t want to hear or know..It’s to painful…I actually go out of my to avoid seeing him be it facebook,the dating site he is on etc…I deleted everything that would remind me of him,because the More I made it about him,the less I CHOSE ME!!
You have done well 7 months is a huge achievment,Embrace it,and thankgod it is not you he is hurting any longer..CHOOSE YOU!!
Kerry, at 5 1/2 months of NC. I find I am STILL vascilating back and forth with my feelings about the ex MM. It takes sooo long. I was only with him 6months and it is taking just as long to be COMPLETELY over him, as the amount of time I was “with” him. That is utterly ridiculous! But of one thing I am sure. I have NO desire to get back into it. I’m doing fine, even alot better both physically and certainly, mentally. You can’t rush these feelings of getting over him, but in time it happens. Nat said in one of her posts,” At first you are doing No Contact, but eventually you get to the point where you’re just living your life”. That’s where I am now. Thank God!
Thank you so much for this website! It’s my sanity check!
I dumped my AC/EUM last Sunday and started therapy just yesterday, on Wednesday.
I am so close to sending him a message (have not contacted him since), because he wrote me a measly three liner after the break-up, stating that he has feelings for me and does not wanna lose me.
But that was the full extent of it.
I have to be really tough and not ask for crumbs, like “so if you love me, why don’t you fight for me?”
AAAAAAAAAAAAH.
I wanna become an expert on myself. I am done with letting men define me. It’s really tough, since I haven’t been really single in a looooooong time. But I know that I need this and mostly, it feels good. Not so much on Thursday eves, where I would drop by at the place where he bartends on Thursday and then go home with him. But I will be strong, thanks to you and all of your comments and the work I’ve started on doing lately on myself.
Natalie, I bought your Fallback girl book and it made me cry, but it also made me strong. I am happy to fight for myself and for a better future and maybe, even, someday, for a proper, good relationship.
Great post Natalie. As a kid we had a saying, “you’re not the boss of me, I’m the boss of me”. I can’t remember when I lost sight of the fact that I’m the expert on me. But since you say I am the expert on me, I am…just joking.
The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was follow your advice and the other wonderful BR comments to take a time out from men. I had to crawl under a cabbage patch leaf, connect myself to an IV of BR, and do the grief work. Although I’m still struggling with what makes me happy and sad as well as owning my strengths and weaknesses (tall, dark, handsome, smart, GOSH, charming), it has been rewarding.
You are so right. I turned over my life to a MM and became his puppet on a string, although it was more like a blow-up toy? I let a lying cheating MM be the expert on me while I pumped his already inflating ego? I’m astonished and ashamed as I look back. Here’s a MM saying “Im f**ked up. And I’m thinking, yeah I’m f**ked up too cos I’m willing to be with a MM. Thus, f**ked up + f**ked up = happiness. Yeah, math is weakness too. Okay, I get it. I don’t think I get it. I don’t hope I get it. I get it. The giant mistake with the exMM was/is my wake up call. I’m in charge. I’m in charge. I don’t hope I’m in charge. I don’t think I’m in charge. I am in charge. I’m not a puppet.
Natalie you are fabulous and brilliant.
If you can’t take the time to spend 3, 6 or even 12 months making a positive investment in you by getting to know you and building upon what you learn, you have no business chasing a relationship – it’s the equivalent of chasing someone to mould you. It’s also desperate.
I am getting there. Today I saw the AC’s boss walking around. No problem. I open up my e-mail and in the weekly work updates we get, I saw the AC mentioned. I got a sinking feeling, felt flustered and took a walk outside for half an hour and had a reflection. Then I went back, who was I kidding- my life is calling me! Time to get back on stage.
There are a lot of things I could have been p*ssed off about – heaps of things. Almost a year on, I’m discovering more about myself and feeling on top. Had this happened months ago I would have collapsed into a heap, and be ringing up my friends and ruminating all over them. I’m gaining expertise in myself, but not only that, with NMLs book I’m also gaining expertise in other peoples’ sh*ite behaviour. I’m recognising it, tagging it, bagging it and offloading it. It is amazing! I’m building up a repertoire of anti-assclown tradecraft and am really enjoying applying it, and in particular the “what happens on average” rule.
I think it is important to enjoy being yourself for a while. So easy to get caught up in the relationship “rat race” and other things that I really really neglected myself. Don’t forget about YOU.
Sigh. Still experiencing ‘after effects’ tonight. So the AC is still living and breathing!! I feel a bit dizzy. Always easier to be an expert when you’re not the one involved. Feelings tend to cloud judgement at times.
Tired You are just Great..
I too am reading NML’S book,I have learnt so much it’s scary..I love the daily updates with my Mom as to what I have taken in for the day!!
I only wish I knew most of this years ago…
The thing I fear is that,perhaps I am getting to Picky…HOLD ONNNNNNNN NOPE!!!
If seeing a red flag and opting out is picky…well than I am happy to say I am…There are certain things that have become unacceptable to me…Like for instance…
Guy I went on a date with…Stopped by work,I had asked him for supper on thursday night,He seemed excited at first,and than it was the cold shoulder,he says I might have to work late,I thought ok no worries,He said to me “CALL ME”…ERR.NO!!
I will not call you,I invited you ,its up to him to tell me if he can make it or not,SO I didnt call him and he didnt call me…At first I thought,well mabye I should call him,well thats what the old Brenda would have done…I called Mom and asked her if I did the right thing…She saidd Yes….she said if I invite freinds to come for supper,than it is up to them to respond. with a I can make it or No I cant..I’m Learning!!!:)
FLUSH!!!!!!!!
Thanks Brenda for posting. It’s helpful to see the lay of the land. ERR, no. Bear with me as I’m practicing my new BR skills before I go out in the real world: No time for dinner but call me sounds like a booty call, right? Sounds like you have a great mom.
And Natalie’s books are scary wonderful. I never cried so much, laughed so much and then cried again. And healed!
No time for dinner=no time for a relationship. Find another FBG quickly before she discovers BR.
Confidence and self esteem. Sometimes I have these and sometimes I don’t. I just finished reading the comments here and realize that my most recent post on my blog is about just this. It’s called Wake Up Call – a double meaning — 1. waking up to my abilities and self worth and 2. literally a morning phone call from my mom telling me I don’t see all that I am and all that I can do. That night’s yoga class had the teacher repeating these words to the class.
Love after Love by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
(((Ana)))
thanks for posting that
So many points brought up in this post that hit home. Perhaps the overall feeling about my own life I keep coming back to is this:
It feels like I am making the decisions for what I think I NEED in my life. But do I WANT to be making the decisions I’m making? When I really look at the choices, particularly in relationships, but also in my job, my interactions with family, etc, I think what I’ve done a lot of is I’ve always been trying to fill a basic need that wasn’t filled in my childhood; that of true acceptance. Not feeling acceptance from others and thus never feeling acceptance for myself. Almost feels to a bit like which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
I make most decisions based on what I think other people need, so they will in turn accept me. I don’t allow myself to be the authority on ME. I almost feel like I’m not even qualified, how wrong is that! My parents love me and would lay down their lives for me, and I had a very good childhood. However I grew up in an alcoholic home, constantly trying and failing and trying and failing and trying to gain acceptance. But it’s hard (sarcastic tone here) for a drunk adult to treat a child right when they themselves are one person on one given day, another on the next. They don’t even know themselves. Some of the moments I remember most vividly is when I felt I was standing up for myself, being my truest self, even as a little kid, those are the moments I was blamed, told I was wrong, how dare I question and/or talk back to an embarass an adult; my father of all people, the man of the house? I’m just a foolish little girl. Translate later in life into dating men who are prone to take advantage of someone who is now afraid to stand their ground, who feels the only way to get acceptance is to cower….we can all do the math here. It’s such a strange thing…I can start out feeling I have a grasp of me, I can stand up to men, and have no problem verbalizing…but my actions don’t stick to what I’m saying. I think because I again feel like that foolish little girl who dared try to do what was right for her. I go back to them, I accept their BS even after I said I wouldn’t. Surely they must want to treat me right? Nope. Plus, I always deep down feel that if I’m TOO assertive, I will lose a grasp on them, and they will abandon me. More feelings of loss of acceptance ie rejection right? Such a crazy dance. I’m in counseling now to help with this stuff.
As an adult, we open ourselves up to danger if we are still acting like the kid on the playground who will do ANYTHING to make friends. It’s basically living a life where you are telling people, “I’ll be who you want me to be, I’ll believe whatever your opinion is of me and live my life accordingly to make you happy, you make me special, and ipso facto, you deem when I am not worthy.” Commence total loss of self identity. Nat…I seriously say over and over, “Molly, you in danger girl.” Insert, “Natalie, you in danger girl.” (I’m proud to say we share the same name!) I absolutely love Whoopi in that role, and it’s so f-ing perfect for this scenario. It’s hard work to look at myself and take responsibility, while acknowledging that the role of vulnerable moldable Natalie isn’t working for me anymore. Work that is worth the effort. These are issues that I will always have to deal with and face. But I’m working on not letting it all have such a grasp on me, it’s NOT who I truly am.
NCC,
Please re-read your own post. “Some of the moments I remember most vividly is when I felt I was standing up for myself, being my truest self, even as a little kid, those are the moments I was blamed, told I was wrong, how dare I question and/or talk back to an embarass an adult; my father of all people, the man of the house? I’m just a foolish little girl.”
The very fact that you grew up in an alcoholic home means you did NOT have a good childhood. As my therapist would say; under those conditions; you did not even HAVE a childhood. Please open your eyes to the damage the adults you trusted, inflicted on you. I am sure they did their best and you can still love them, but rest assured; they did damage and the legacy is carried on in our unhealthy relationships.
“Bearing in mind how caught up we all are in ourselves, it’s also important to remember that often, people who struggle with empathy, will tell you what to be and do based on their own insecurities instead of thinking of you.”
Oh so true. The ex-AC put me down, my appearance, my choices, etc. Meanwhile I think I heard him say ONE slightly unfavorable thing about himself the entire time we were together. And it was almost like he caught himself and quickly drew back to his arrogant demeanor. What’s funny is that I knew he wasn’t confident or secure in himself. AT ALL. All that talk was him trying to convince HIMSELF he is good enough. But as I’m learning, I’M NOT responsible to make sure he feels ok with himself, nor is it my job to disrespect myself to make sure his ego isn’t bruised. He was even borderline physically abusive once when I “talked back to him” as he put it. All that talk putting me down made sure I didn’t think I could do any better than him, and that if I walked away, he had to create his own fantasy world where I was the one who would lose out. He avoids rejection that way. He basically lives the life that Natalie you describe point by point in the “Chasing the fantasy” post. Not to make this about him, I’m just seeing how my pattern is to go after someone like this due to my own insecurities, my Florence Nightengale syndrome ( I can make him happy by telling him how wonderful he actually is right! Oh lovely lovely little fantasy world!) and my own issues with chasing the fantasy.
NCC I can 110% relate to that.
I have been ritualistically reading this blog for nearly a year now, and I am still amazed at how powerful and effective Natalie’s writing is.
It’s been nearly two years since I got out of a lazy, rotten queer relationship with a self-denying girl who didn’t want to accept her feelings for me or sexuality and basically cut off the connection with a text message saying that she actually had a boyfriend.
The traumatic months after that is inexplicable. My actions, words, feelings and words were absolutely disorganized. While I tried to erase any trace of this person by erasing all contacts, pictures, anything that reminded me of her, I stalked her facebook, twitter…etc. Basically, I was yelling “Look, I’m moving on!!!” while staring at the computer screen at midnight, crying my ass off.
There were times that I realized that I needed to get on with my life and felt happy being able to feel that I am in control of my life.
I worked for a bit, and I got into grad school. I was proud of my accomplishments but my mood started to swing after that.
Unfortunately, I feel ashamed to say that I have been still cyber checking up on her. I tried using Leechblock, I’ve tried blocking her facebook and even deleting my account, but I always go back to the same routine. A horrible, toxic addiction. The self-destructive and self-deprecating damage that this horrible habit has been giving me is tremendous.
I am not sure if I can be “myself” again but reading this has given me a little bit of courage to just cut off that emotional, dependent attachment and live my life to make myself happy.
Thank you.