One thing that many of us grownups struggle with is uncertainty. We can find it difficult to not know exactly what’s going to happen next. We want to be able to move through life with the confidence that comes with knowing that something is definite. If we had our way, we’d be happy 100% of the time and not experience loss, disappointment, conflict, criticism, or rejection. We forget that life ebbs and flows and that we learn what ‘up’ is because we also learn what ‘down’ is. We have to learn how to navigate these so that we can enjoy and maximise the ups and gradually recover from the downs.
What many of us are looking for, though, are ironclad guarantees. Or, at the very least, we want a crystal ball to let us know whether we should bother. A promise or window into the future would remove the uncertainty that comes with being vulnerable. We wouldn’t have to think or respond.
We can find decision-making scary.
Some of us are allergic to commitment simply because it requires us to decide to be or do something without knowing exactly what’s going to happen next.
So we might, for instance, have to commit to following through with our desire to start a business. While we’ll have our idea and plan, we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen from end to end. We don’t have a play-by-play list of what we’re going to be and do. Instead, we have to make the decision, commit, and then invest our energy towards that commitment instead of looking for reasons to back out or question it.
Same goes for relationships. Before the point where we’re going to commit to something longer term and start talking ‘forever’, we have to give getting to know a person through the discovery phase of dating and then the relationship a shot. We don’t know how it’s going to pan out, hence why it’s a wise idea to do some due diligence. This isn’t so we can avoid anything we find remotely unfavourable but more so that if and when we decide to give a relationship a go and commit, we’re making the commitment with the best of the knowledge that we have at the time rather than doing it without self-knowledge, self-awareness, and a healthy dose of reality about the person in question.
When I hear people talking about ‘casual dating’ (Seriously, what else can we water down?), I realise that people who are afraid of commitment and vulnerability are looking for guarantees.
I need...
- to know that they’re The One before I dare to invest myself emotionally.
- to know that they’re perfect and will basically be exactly as I imagine forever and ever, before I’ll commit.
- assurances they will not be like my ex
What if I fall for them and then we break up in 2035 and I have to start over?
What if they get really ill one day? I don’t think I could cope with that.
While there are no guarantees about what lies ahead, what you’re guaranteed when fear of uncertainty drives your thinking and behaviour is frustration. You will feel as if you’re in your own Groundhog Day.
Commitment drives our energy and investment.
When we’re afraid of uncertainty to the point where we devote our energies to trying to control the uncontrollable by doing stuff like limiting or avoiding decisions and commitment or worrying about what isn’t happening and forecasting doom, we effectively pee on our own parade. And then we wonder why we get wet and why it doesn’t smell too good. We commit our energies to the wrong things.
We become so fixated on the existence of uncertainty that we decide to play it safe with the certainty of our patterns. This attitude is like living life-by-numbers. We’d rather be safe in our anxiety and undermining ourselves with unproductive habits of thinking and behaviour than risk being vulnerable and not knowing that it will all work out perfectly and that we’ll be rewarded. We’re so afraid of ‘getting it wrong’ that we’d rather be ‘right’ with what we know doesn’t work.
We might feel ‘safe’ in an unavailable relationship because we don’t have to be vulnerable. We, even if we don’t admit it, have an idea of how things are going to work out. Sure, we’ll try to be the exception to the rule. Still, when push comes to shove, and it doesn’t work out, we get to validate our beliefs. We get to be right. We feel justified in our fears because we believe the outcome is more evidence that corroborates our beliefs.
With the fear of uncertainty, we adopt The Long Shot Mentality. We effectively accept failure from the outset (even if we won’t admit it).
We effectively tell ourselves, “I only want to step up, be vulnerable and give it my absolute best shot if I’m guaranteed that I won’t be disappointed.” And obviously, because uncertainty is one of life’s inevitables, we secretly accept failure and give ourselves permission to follow our pattern.
Initially, becoming a mother really triggered my fear of uncertainty. From worrying Em had been in an accident if he was late to worrying about the kids being ill or something happening to them or us. One day, as I freaked myself out despite the fact that picking up the phone would have put my mind at ease, I realised that my fear of uncertainty and worrying that I couldn’t control the uncontrollable was robbing me of my inner peace.
I was robbing myself of my inner peace, not uncertainty.
Thoughts still pop up – it’s natural – but I don’t feed them. A childhood friend lost his daughter recently, and it was a stark reminder that I could spend my life feeding my fears about what might happen and trying to avoid having a stake in anything that might bring loss and pain, but really all that will happen is that I will miss out on love. I’ll miss out on living.
Trying to avoid uncertainty lends itself to entitlement, and not too far behind that is obsessing. We work out what we think are the conditions to control uncertainty and then when we feel anxious. Or something doesn’t go as predicted, and we feel robbed and hurt because based on the conditions that we felt would allow us to be OK and even bring reward, our prediction hasn’t worked and so uncertainty is ‘back’ despite it never leaving. We equate uncertainty with us not being okay, when actually, it’s nothing to do with whether we’re OK or “good enough.” Our not being okay is about losing command over ourselves and our happiness because we’re trying to control the uncontrollable.
We cause ourselves unnecessary pain by trying to imagine what the pain about something might be like, feeding it, ruminating, and then, after living out our lives in our imaginations, holding us back in real life. If I think really hard about anything I’m afraid of and feed it with fear thoughts, I can conjure up all sorts of unpleasant feelings and images.
All of this dining off of a fear of uncertainty is akin to living life with a permanent Imagination Hangover.
We mistake the existence of anxiety as indicative of a threat when, actually, the anxiety is increasing because we’re feeding it. We’re trying to cup the ocean in our hands.
The way to deal with the unknown without losing it in the now is to work on 1) being mindful (conscious, aware, and present) and 2) the sources of your anxiety.
- Is it fear or is it knowledge?
- Is it real or is it imagined?
- Is there something that you’re not addressing that worrying about the uncertainty of something else is providing a distraction from?
- Is it about depriving you of something out of sense of not wanting to allow you to be happy?
Keep a Feelings Diary and identify your cues and triggers. Look at where you are not engaging in self-care and home in on where you’re not talking back to yourself. Thoughts pop up, but you don’t have to chase after them. Why can’t they just pass by?
We can’t change uncertainty, but we can change our relationship with it by changing our relationship with ourselves.
Take care of you.
Your thoughts?
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My current problem has nothing to do with my love life or relationships, but I’m feeding the anxiety and obssessing over it. I take Humira for RA. Recently, my supplementary insurance has cut back on paying for it and now I’m in the anxiety-producing, fearful and physically painful position of having to apply for financial assistance. The medication is extremely expensive. Instead of supplying the company with the documents they’ve requested, I’ve sent them everything but the kitchen sink (paperwork) to assure that they won’t just make a decision based only on my income without considering my heavy expenses, which is a common practice when one is being considered for financial aid. They’ve received the paperwork by now and I’m now having all sorts of doubts, wondering whether giving more info was a good thing or not. In the meantime, I’ve not had my Humira in 3 months and my physical conition is deteriorating. It’s scary. I called myself seeking a guarantee that my case won’t be denied by sending more info. I just got off the phone with my gf who was trying to calm me down and remind me that working myself up into a tizzy is detrimental to my condition and I have no control over an unfavorable outcome should that be the case. If they say, “No”, it’ll be a lot longer for me to have to wait for my medication while I apply to another company that may or may not help me, either. I’m soooo anxious and physically uncomfortable. If I were a drinker I’d probably be getting drunk every day for the next several days when I will learn the decision. Well, since I’m not in control of this, it’s best for me to redirect my thoughts. Easier said than done. Mentally knowing and emotionally accepting are two different things. All I can do is hope and pray that it works out in my favor because I can’t see myself having to apply elsewhere and waiting several more months. I will be alcoholic by that time.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Wish my dad were still around; he was an expert at working the medical system. Reminds me of a friend who’s HIV positive who is scrimping on his meds because with financial aid and disability, the powers that be think he makes too much money. He’s now having lung problems and on oxygen. Sigh. Some day we will become a civilized nation who thinks all have the right to health. Just wondering: have you tried any alternative medicine for your condition?
Thanks for your post, Noquay. I had at one time tried Homeopathic medicine but I didn’t take it as directed and that was because I had no faith in its effectiveness. Being an RN for over 35 yrs, I’m very deep into traditional medicine and cannot seem to embrace the concept of Homeopathy. However, my diet is much improved over the last 3 months. This was precipitated by my MD doing blood tests and wanting to give me yet ANOTHER pill for high cholesterol. I know it can be lowered by diet and I know exactly what the culprits are so I’ve reduced or eliminated them. I got back from my therapist’s office a little while ago and she helped me to realize that I may be able to afford to take it twice a month instead of 4 times a month. That would be better than nothing. Plus, I’ll be able to regain better mobility so that I can exercise which is so important for maintaining good health. I’ll know the verdict in a few days. But I feel a bit better because, hopefully, I can afford to take some instead of not at all.
I just don’t feel like I should have to pay for it, in the first place.
Serene,
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with your illness. Have you researched alleviating some of the symptoms through diet? I subscribe to Robb Wolf’s blog and recently read about someone who put their RA in remission through diet.
Here’s a link
http://robbwolf.com/?s=rheumatoid+arthritis
I can’t myself testify to the success for it. I just wanted to throw it out there as a suggestion. He has a book called The Paleo Solution.
I hope everything works out with getting your medication.
I am a Dr. Furhman follower, with his Eat-To-Live philosophy about eating nutrient dense foods. His methods have also shown a proven ability to reverse rheumatoid arthritis. So, really healthy eating – not pseudo healthy but REALLY healthy – might help you heal without meds. An example of pseudo healthy is – if you think eating low-fat is healthy, or olive oil is healthy, or agave is healthy, well, you are mistaken.
VaBlue and Elgie. Thank you for your posts. As I explained above, my diet is very good, (I think). I bought the Nutri Ninja and I juice almost every day, lots of FRESH fruits and veggies. I don’t eat red meat either. But I am going to look into the info you both have given me. I’m sure I can learn more about addressing this condition. While on the meds, I’m generally not concerned about what else can help me because I’m feeling pretty good. But this is a new situation that calls for additional learning changing of attitude and behavior.
Thank you both for your suggestions. Elgie I think I have the “Eat To Live” book. VaBlue, I will check out that website a little later tonight. Have to take a nap, now.
Serene
I would urge you to check out a Paleo way of eating for your RA. I went Paleo about 6 months ago and the difference in my overall health is amazing. I was getting a lot of arthritis pain in my hips and knees and was on painkillers. No more. I have also reversed my pre diabetes and my blood sugar is now normal and I have lost 15kg without any effort and I eat very well. I can’t recommend going paleo enough.
There is a book by Dr William Davis that is a must read ‘Wheat Belly, lose the wheat and lose the weight’. But the book contains so much more than reading it as just a weight loss plan. Dr Davis is a cardiologist so you being a previous RN will understand where the chemistry is coming from.
Omg did I need this right now!!! After years of dating MM and ACs I met a wonderful man…and what was my initial reaction? Panic! I worried he was gaming me (he’s not) scared of getting to know him since I can’t guarentee the outcome.. Seeing everything as if I were dealing with my ex and expecting the same result. I finally told myself “This is not Round Three with the AC, it’s the first time with someone new!”
We are going slow… Really getting to know each other… It’s wonderful and for me sometimes scary… I have to keep telling myself that this is all new… While I keep an eye out for Code Red behavior (none so far!) it’s not fair to him or me to view everything as if I were still in the past… I want and deserve all the good that this relationship brings!!! And even though it can be hard I am determined to enjoy each moment of it!
ChiTownKitty. If you want advice, encouragement, etc. you left out the key info. How long are you two seeing each other? I understand exactly what you’re talking about. I’m in a tried and truly great rship with a good man. Still, sometimes I wonder if he has told me the truth. Last night, were talking on the phone about personal stuff so I asked him a question that I suspected he didn’t want to answer. At that moment, he said he had to take another call. Right away I felt that he was using that as an excuse to get off the phone without answering my question. I got really annoyed and abruptly ended the convo. I knew I was reflecting back on men in my past who have been liars. He is not one of them. He texted me after his convo with the other caller and said “Don’t be cruel……..”. I didn’t do a very good job of hiding the fact that I’d gotten angry. We discussed it, I apologized and he, being the understanding person that he is, was immediately forgiving and assured me that he doesn’t have to be devious or make excuses to me for anything.
I’m telling you this to say that you can be with a man that you think the world of, who has never, in 4 years, given (me) reason to doubt what he intends or what he says, and STILL, old painful experiences can come back and ruin my happiness if I’m not aware.
Relax Chi. As you have said, “He’s a different person, and this is a new individual coming into your life. Focus on discovering who HE is. Watch for the words and actions matching. Take it slow. Don’t you fast forward and don’t allow him to fast forward you. I hope things work out nicely. So, btw, is it 2 weeks or two months? Time can change things for better or worse.
It’s only been a month but I have already had to realize that so many things that put me on alert were based on my past not on his behavior. That’s not to say that I’m not on the alert for flags it’s just that for right now everything was based on the past and my fears. I think a lot of it stems from a childhood lived in emotional quicksand with a parent who withheld love on a whim. Thats why I long for certainty as I didn’t have it in the one relationship where I should have.
I see. Our past experiences particularly the negative ones, and from childhood are so deeply ingrained that they seem to be there no matter how much we’d prefer to stamp them out. I don’t know about you but I can’t take liars. Imo, they have an exceedingly low threshold for other forms of antisocial behavior. A month is very new. Tread carefully. But, and this is very important, don’t look for trouble. Don’t expect things to go wrong. Be positive while keeping vigilant and your brain unscrambled.
Thanks Serene!
I discovered today that I talk a good game but still have a long way to go. Have a weekend date planned with my guy. I’ve talked to him about a minor health issue I have and he says it’s no big deal. I brought it up because that’s why my last relationship ended. Guy said he had been ‘a good sport’ about it but no more. It devastated me… Made me feel like a leper.
Anyway it’s reared its ugly head this week and come Saturday I will learn if my new guy was being truthful.. Just the thought of it has given me an anxiety attack. This is why I needed this column to understand nothing is certain there are no guarentees… I am determined to give him the opportunity to show me he is who he says he is…. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared to death.
ChiTown.If you’re resigned to telling him, at this very early stage, then it must not be a minor ailment. I understand that you want to know if he would still be committed to you. Right now, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know you. You two are going through the motions and you want to give him a test to pass already. Give yourself another month to feel more comfortable and assured that he is worthy of you telling him. If he is the good guy you think he is, he’s not going to turn away from you because of something that is unfortunate but certainly not anything to blame you for. You didn’t ask for this issue, did you? No. So it would be very shallow of him to walk away. For now, have a little fun. Don’t view him as “The One”. Get to know him better. I believe in treating human beings with compassion and understanding. I sense you do too. Why be mistrustful callous toward someone who hasn’t done anything to deserve it? You get back what you put out. A new person in your life has nothing to do with your childhood issues or past heartbreak. Would you want to be judged by someone’s past. Would you want to be discarded because they had a physical condition that was being treated but is still present? No. Treat him as you would want to be treated. If and when he starts showing his ass? Flush.
actually it is minor and 99.9% of adults would not care in the least but my ex was a true assclown. It’s also something that’s obvious so no hiding it.
But you are right I need to try to leave the actions of the ghosts of assclowns past behind me and move on with him!
“a childhood lived in emotional quicksand with a parent who withheld love on a whim” – this is so a brilliant description. Beautifully written and something I can relate to a lot. This metaphor reminded me of those relationships I had with emotionally unavailable and just ass clowny men lately (before BR). emotional quicksand it was.
Some days I feel that I will never get past being the little girl who tried to be pretty enough or smart enough (even though I graduated from a top U.S. university!) or thin enough…I stayed with an assclown for years in a vain attempt to prove myself worthy enough. Some days my biggest fear is that I will screw up any chance I have at real happiness. I’m trying to be level headed and clear minded with my new guy and to be honest when I am with him it’s easy.. Away from him I struggle to sort out my feelings and fears
Of course you’ll be happy! I think for us who have been brought up always feeling “not perfect enough” the only way out of this mindset, of this loop, is to let go. Let go of the control. Let go of the “I will set things right”. Do you spot red/yellow flags? Let him go, and do not think back on it. No red flags, you feel good? Let go of the fear and let yourself be happy. It might not go well, like anything in life, but this is not the point: the point is that your new relationship is real. It’s not a fake one with a fake prince charming. This means it isn’t perfect, and this imperfection (I still remember what Natalie wrote about her now husband f***ing in bed 🙂 ) is what makes it real.
Don’t try too hard. Breath deeply, relax, jump 🙂 Away from him, concentrate on the awesome, not perfect but awesome anyways, you.
Serene,
Are you talking about the same dude that you went NC with because he wasn’t meeting your sexual needs, and didn’t want to get help for his ED, and then you broke NC with and …?
If you are, why are you still with him? Is it because you feel lonely? Have you settled?
I’m thinking maybe it would help you to be honest with yourself about what you are really doing, still picking up this guys crumbs.
If you think we’ve all forgotten your real story, er, that would be a “NO.”
Annie. I don’t have to hide anything. Please do not try to rewrite MY STORY when you are not privy to the facts.
Please be gentler. This is your opinion and I am sure you want to help, and you might even be panicking because you think she might be in danger, but still…be gentler. Your tone is scolding, it reads judgmental, it reads aggressive.
Sorry, I am criticising what you wrote, but I really think the last thing an emotionally abused person needs is somebody to attack her, even if “it’s for her own good”. Serene is not a child that needs a firm grip from a parent figure, nor is she a patient with her therapist, she is a friend among friends and she (and we all, really) has to feel free to write and re-write her story, chainging it if her understanding of it has changed, without being attacked in any way, overt or covert, active or passive, with good or bad intentions.
Misa. Thank you very much. I was quite angry about Annie’s comment. I was blindsided since she has not even been posting. It came out of nowhere. I’ve been here for 4 yrs and, thankfully, have made huge progress. I am very happy with my life and I don’t have to meet anyone expectations but my own.
Misa,
Tinkerbell is no wilting violet.
She dishes out her harsh advice to everyone quite nicely, thank you very much.
Her response to me is typical of someone who professes “tough love” is ok when she is giving it to someone else, but let someone ring her out to dry in the same fashion, and all of a sudden she remembers people have boundaries.
All I can say to you is “pay attention.”
It is very disconcerting to be interacting with a fellow blogger and then to find someone who was not involved in the ongoing discussion, decides to intervene with curt, sarcastic and hurtful remarks for no reason. This is not helpful in upholding the integrity of Baggage Reclaim.
I have a folder in my favorite places file called, “Natalie’s wisdom.” I added this post to that enormous collection because it hit the bulls eye, as usual.
Some of you may recall I got re-mixed up in 2013 with my ex from 2000-2003. She had married the woman I suspected her of cheating with back then, and from that day forward they’ve been together. My ex lied her ass off to me with the, “We are more like Laverne & Shirley now; I can’t remember last time we were intimate, she won’t touch me, yadda yadda.” I fell for it because (A)I wanted to and (B) I’d been with her before and the idea that “she used to be mine” gave me an excuse to drop my core values and start an online affair with her. It lasted off and on from Sept. 2013 to March 2014.
This week her wife died.
She had a type of terminal cancer that averages a prognosis of 5 years from first diagnosis. My ex never mentioned that she was ill, I assume because I would have called her every name in the book and told her to eff off.
She started the affair with me four years into the wife’s illness. She kept saying we had to wait, but never explained why. Now I know why–she wanted to get her filthy paws on that pension and life insurance money, the cow.
Natalie in this post you said,
The way to deal with the unknown without losing it in the now is to work on 1) being mindful (conscious, aware, and present) and 2) the sources of your anxiety.
Is it fear or is it knowledge?
Is it real or is it imagined?
I think in time my slutty ex will contact me to tell me she’s free. I am totally mindful that:
1. It takes a special kind of scumbag sociopath to cheat on a dying spouse.
2. This is not fear, I knew she was amoral 12 years ago. Fear is replaced with disgust and loathing.
3. Oh it’s real, baby.
If and when she makes contact, I will be polite and detached. If she brings up wanting to see me again after all these years, I will say, “If you are looking for a casual F— with no strings or phony words of love attached, sure. Just know that I’d never be with someone like you, and if you come to visit, we are going Dutch.”
She won’t come–her ego is so gigantic she will act outraged that I was treating her like the slut she is. After all, she’s a poor widow now. (eye roll)
After things like this occur, I usually journal all my feelings until my tank is empty. Not this time. Instead, in my journal I drew a Jolly Roger pirate flag and under that, the headline, “What she’d be if she was not a human” then I drew some very realistic drawings of poisonous creatures–starring a black widow, a brown recluse, a scorpion, a wasp, a blood sucking kissing bug, a banded krait (snake)and a coral snake.
I won’t need to read words when I look back on this chapter. The pictures say it all.
Thanks all of you, especially Natalie, for teaching me how to spot and deal with assclowns like this heartless cheater. I she hope ends up in ther section of Hell that plays continuous Yoko Ono music.
P.S. I was kidding about terms under which I would agree to see her again. Anyone who’d treat a terminally ill spouse like that–I wouldn’t want her within a thousand miles from me.
People, please
don’t let rats stick around. Trust me on that.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been feeling terribly depressed lately and been feeling like my whole life has been lived in a black whole (mostly) created and perpetuated by my own mind and iimagination. What’s up with that? WHY do we do this? I find myself often hating life, but that’s because I’m so busy tearing it apart in my head. Nothing like an inner war where both sides will lose because “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” Your “peeing on your own parade” analogy made me laugh, and it shed some light on my dark situation and made me consider how silly it can be to think you can just map everything out and not only control everything YOU do, putting wildly unrealistic expectations on yourself that are IMPOSSIBLE to meet – but you try to control the world around you too! Including people, time, money, heck let’s throw the weather in there too! I mean who do we think we are, really? We’re just a bunch of humans with limited power at best. How foolish we can be. Natalie, I’ve been following you for years (since 2008), and you never fail to drop a much needed true bomb onto my self-pity party. Thanks for that, and thanks for always being direct and honest. Your really helping a lot of women out there putting your talents to use, and I’m so grateful that you do!
Moving forward – It is quite funny how we think we can control everything, right down to the weather! Reading your post reminded me of Brene Brown’s research on how a need for certainty comes from a fear of scarcity and unworthiness. She points out that our post 9/11 world of fear has made the need for certainty worse. I’ve found meditation and mindfulness practices, supplemented with gratitude journaling, to be helpful in calming my nerves and focusing on the present. It has helped me out of depression and keeps me balanced emotionally overall. If you find yourself upset with how you have been thinking lately, meditation works wonders to make you distance yourself from your thoughts and realize that they you are not your thoughts at all, and that you have greater control over what you focus and think about. Hope that helps you!
This article was right on time for me. I’ve had a long week and its only Tuesday! I had some big stressors the last couple weeks but more came then the other day my child ended up in the hospital and that was enough that even though now he’s out I’m on edge from a serious of recent emotional stresses. I cant allow them to take me from moving forward because I’m worried about what will happen next. I need to rearrange some more and do some writing.
I’m happy to say that I’m getting better at this. In my recent dating experience, I did sense anxieties creeping up, but I did my best to catch myself and bring myself back to the present moment. Nothing in life is certain, and meeting new people expecting them to be around forever is never a certainty. I think for me the only part that still makes me worry regarding uncertainty and dating is people disappearing. It’s happened to me a few times now, and not only in romantic relationships. It seems as though it is a constant theme in my life, and it always happens right after all seems to be going well. I’m aware of it and try my best to not worry about it, but it’s still a struggle. This post was a great reminder to keep going despite that worry.
TeaTime,
Out of curiousity, when people disappear, what was going on in your interaction with them prior to them disappearing? By understanding this you find out if it is something that you are doing or if you are attracting the wrong people!
Stephanie – In romantic relationships, usually the guy disappears right after I open up a bit more, show my care for him, and start feeling closer. The guys in these scenarios have also shown me a great deal of interest on that final meeting, and have even promised to meet again. Then they just fall off the face of the earth. I usually message/call them once to see if they are okay, and with no reply they disappear forever. This is also why I’ve never been in a relationship, never had a bf. They show so much interest in the pursuit, and then they’re gone right when I show interest back. In friendships where this has happened, I’ve met up with friends who seem to enjoy their time with me, and promise to meet again soon, only again never to hear from them again. In these cases, I usually realize later on that they were probably using me for company and I had no idea since I was genuinely interested in the time we were spending together.
Tea Time,
Do they disappear before or after you’ve been intimate? If they disappear after, then you’ve got your answer right there. But if every guy has disappeared maybe you are sharing your feelings too soon and you are scaring them off! I could be wrong, if I am sorry.
Stephanie – This happens far before getting sexually intimate. It usually happens early on while still getting to know each other. I actually don’t share my feelings too early on, and I listen and pay attention to how the guy is feeling. The last guy I was with seemed to even like me far more than I liked him, and right when I showed him some affection back he disappeared. Well, first he gave me a gift and promised to see me again and kept in touch with me for another week, and then disappeared. My friends were even baffled by it. My gut tells me these guys are commitment-phobic, but then why do they try so hard when they don’t want anything to begin with? And then to disappear. It’s like a slap in the face.
Tea time,
If it is any consolation u seem like a great person, but the men are not worthy of you!
Tea Time. It sounds like you may have abandonment issues. When you expect to be left as per the pattern you could be creating a self fulfilling prophesy. You’ve been here a very long time so look for Nat’s articles on fear of abandonment.
Serene, with all due respect, I don’t think TT is doing anything, and frankly, I’m a little tired of women being blamed for ‘attracting’ the wrong guys. There’s just a lot of morons out there, and if you’re a semi-attractive woman, you’re going to attract them ALL, believe me! The key is to sift them out quickly. Blaming women for attracting the wrong guys is like blaming someone who has cancer for bringing it on themselves.
TeaTime, please read “Men Who Can’t Love,” it totally explains this. These are commitmentphobic guys who are very comfortable chasing women who don’t reciprocate their interest (as most women are cautious at first), and then they feel safe. But the second your walls start to come down and you begin to reciprocate and they realize that things might move from fantasy to reality, they are overwhelmed with anxiety and run. Unfortunately, women are primed from early on to feel that guys who are truly interested in us should be “chasing” us (just read “He’s Just Not That Into You” if you want more about that) and of course it’s natural to think that the guy who is paying us attention is more interested than the guy who isn’t. However, a guy who comes on strong in the beginning can be a bad bet. I personally don’t think there is much you can do other than to not take it personally. I know when a guy shows me a lot of interest in the beginning and says things like “miss you” or calls me little pet names, and it’s only been a few dates, I don’t take anything they say seriously. Nothing at all. I wait and see if they stick around. They usually don’t. Just remember it’s nothing about you that is scaring them off other than that you’ve dropped your defenses a bit, and that is just a normal thing to do if you want to have a relationship. Just let these guys run off. And all of us women should probably pay a little more attention to the guy who is maybe courting us without so much intensity and “charm” tho I know we’re not used to that.
Stephanie, Serene, Diane – Thank you for your replies. I am definitely trying to understand the extent to which my own fears may or may not be attracting these kind of people into my life, but I am doing my best to realize it’s not just me at fault here. It is unfortunate that I keep encountering these men, but with each encounter I’m learning to pick up some hints so next time the earlier I see them the quicker I choose to leave. In the case of the last time this happened, the guy didn’t even seem too charming. There was no fast forwarding or even any feeling of pressure from him. If anything, I remember telling my friends just how calm the pace was just after 2 dates, as if we were already an old couple. I guess right there that should have been another clue to me that he likely felt the chase was over already, whereas I was still assessing and taking my time to get to know him. You are all right though – the right man will want to open up and wouldn’t disappear or run off after I put down my guard a bit and try to get a little closer emotionally. I just have to remind myself not to take it personally! I know these disappearing acts have left me a bit nervous when dating, but I’m going to do my best to not let it stop me from going out and trying to meet the right man.
Ugh I fogot my name and my post did not take, been through so much similar, right now the only thing and the only thing left for me to feel is in this song.
https://youtu.be/0Abz0wrV0Yc
Teatime, oh how I can relate to that! I’ve been struggling with anxiety all my life. And still am. And what you describe is one of the triggers. I mean, even normal people would feel uncomfortable but it makes me feel very VERY anxious.
What helps me is to take this as FEEDBACK. This is information that helps me construct a full picture of that person and also build my reactions and communication based on that feedback. I try to take them as a fact vs interpreting them (and thus trying to find some hidden meaning). I.e. I meet lots of flaky people in business meetings. Often those people would be more interested in my company and us helping them then the other way around. So logically, they need to follow up. However, just like in relationships, I found out that those companies who come and blow HOTHOTHOT at you/us at the very beginning are those who will not follow up on their proposal or disappear at the initial stage. Or disappear right before processing payment (to us). So disappearing and coming on strong and blowing hot are two things that often come together and which I learnt to notice as a means of keeping anxiety (and those people) out of my life.
In personal relationships, just today, I was discussing a work related matter with an exEUM and he disappeared in the middle of our Skype chat. This is very typical of him. To request a call/meeting/etc, write two sentences, ask a question, receive an answer and then disappear with no explanation or without an offer to reschedule. I am pretty certain it’s a power thing for him. I used to get angry at this. Now I just see it as petty. It’s the same commitmentphobic triangulation: suddenly becoming unavailable when they know you’ve become available.
I just finished reading “He’s scared, She’s scared” and there’s a line that says: “once the active avoider has managed to win his or her partner over, all the old commitment anxieties surface, and the narcissistic faultfinding tendencies begin to dominate” (btw, this is a book I’d recommend to anyone right after they read NML’s books). I think this applies to non-romantic relationships as well. For me, in 99% of cases it is about some pattern getting reactivated in the other person that was there before me and has little to do with me.
At this point in my life I chose to disengage from people disappearing on me after the first strike. I know I might strike some good folk out too but so far it has not been the case. It’s not to say that normal men don’t forget to charge their phones, get into accidents and thus not show up on dates etc. It’s that they make so much effort in every other aspect of a relationship and make me feel so appreciated and are so consistently interested that when something like this happens, I have much more trust for them and our relationship. Plus, they are the first ones to reach out to me and MAKE UP for their disappearance (and not just give me an excuse why they did). It maybe sounds too vague but for example, I have this new friend and I made it clear that I don’t tolerate disappearing acts and that they trigger my anxiety big way and that generally I tend to write him off the moment something like this happens. So during those TWO instances where he actually kind of disappeared he warned me in advance that his phone is dying and that he’ll reach out to me in xx hours. Then he texted me that he was still stuck in a meeting and it’ll take more time. And specified how much. I know it may sound like I am a crazywoman. But it was not a chore for him. He is invested in me being calm and not having to worry. He’s championing my thinking good of him by his consistency. This is a whole new world for me.
Damn, I used to listen to those EUMs tell me how busy they are or just plain disappear for days as if abducted by aliens and think ‘I am too demanding’. I used to think that it’s the only kind of men there was. But this is so not true.
Why – You are so right. I need to just see this as feedback. It’s so hard, I have to remind myself that it isn’t me just because it keeps happening. I am perhaps attracting the type of people described by that book. I mentioned it in my reply to another comment above, but I do feel like my gut tells me these guys are commitment-phobic. It’s my mind that begs to differ and makes me question whether I did something wrong. I am not clingy, not emotional, not demanding, and yet right when I show a bit more affection back these people disappear. It’s hurtful. But like you, I just don’t have the patience for the disappearing act. The first time it happened to me, I let it drag on for MONTHS. This time, I gave him one shot to answer me, and when he didn’t I sent him a message that I wasn’t having any of it and cut him off. It’s good to know that there are guys that will know this concern and work with you to ease your anxiety, as your new friend is doing. Those are the good guys!
You may just need to take time out. It’s not helpful or healthy for you to go from one rship to another when you don’t feel whole yourself. When you start a friendship with high anxiety, what good can come of it? Nat recently wrote about how rships are 100/100, not 50/50. Don’t get involved, presenting 50 and look for him to fill in your other 50. Work on you for awhile.
Serene – I actually was doing that. Before this last guy I dated, I had not dated for a few years as I did a lot of self work and healing. I have changed a lot and become emotionally and mentally stronger, and I thought going back into dating would reward me with someone better this time around. Of course rather than a reward the universe likes to throw hints at us that our healing is not as complete as we think! I think having this happen to me while in a better state of mind and self esteem meant that it didn’t hurt me as much as it would have a few years ago, but it still hurts in a sense that I seem to have fallen for it again. I can understand aspects of myself I was overlooking that I need to work on a bit more. I haven’t dated anyone again yet as I process this a bit more, but I will go out again soon once I feel it’s out of my system. I’m not going to let this stop me from going back out there.
Why,Thank you very much for sharing yiur issues. When you wrote “He’s championing my thinking good of him by his consistency” my heart and mind did a little dance for joy because I too am learning to trust a good guy (after 8 years with a narcissist) and its not easy to let go of those suspicions that lurk arkund every corner. I loved that phrase and im going to use it to hrlp remind me not to attribute blame, fear, anxiety and stop fretting and relax. I would be so sad if my learned negativity got in the way of what is turning out to be an enlightening fresh new start with a decent guy who simply doesn’t do drama! Thank you. X
I am so scared of the uncertainty surrounding my future.
Since kicking the chronic u-Turner to the curb I have been struggling with the empty space left behind and trying to stop myself filling it with the on and off guy who when it was on made me the happiest girl ever.
When I was with on and off guy I’m almost certain the off periods were down to the fact we both hated the feeling of uncertainty when we were both happy. Scared of when it would end so we brought it to our own end!
Ahh!
Patterns reign in my life I’m noticing, and I’m noticing now as I break every single one. Breaking patterns = uncertainty. I’m learning to live in the now with this feeling and take a lot more decisions as they come.
A lot of boy drama has been distracting me from making the decisions about my own life path career and spiritual wise. As the dust begins to clear I’m able to focus on my own goals.
Yes my relationship future is uncertain as it relies on another but im certainly not going to be with Mr a guy who u turns or goes hot and cold as I will work to no longer u turn or go hot and cold.
It’s tough but it will reap a more fulfilling life 🙂
Bx
Hi Natalie,
We definitely try to protect ourselves with this one – “I need to know that they’re ‘the one’ before I dare to invest myself emotionally.”
We also kid ourselves because this is something we cannot possibly know unless we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the first place. We may not have to commit to a future forever with a person early on, but, we do need to commit to the process.
Otherwise we can miss out on the very thing in front of us we were looking for. To know if someone is ‘the one’ we have to see how they are with us at our most vulnerable, how they treat us, how they support us. If we hide a big part of ourselves away (which is exactly what we are doing when we hide, i.e. not being vulnerable, not committing to the process) then how can we possibly find what we need.
Relationships are one of, if not ‘the’ most important things in our lives. The magic only happens though when we turn up, wholly, fully, and daring to risk the uncertainty.
For me when I started to get that fear after getting over the AC/EUM, I just stopped dating altogether. I felt that I just wasn’t ready and needed to stop using one man’s bad behavior as a gauge on future behavior from potential suitors. While I needed to apply my lesson learned from previous experiences, I didn’t need to let it dictate how I dealt men.
Once I reigned my self back into reality, I was able to adopt healthy relationship habits and at the same time be mindful of shady characters. I no longer feared finding love, but made certain that the person I gave my heart, soul and body to was worth it.
Stephanie. So how is that going? Have you met “the One”. It’s hard, especially when you’ve developed healthy relationship habits, but the guys you generally meet have not.
Serene,
Yeah it worked and I met the one. He is my husband! I made sure I stuck to my guns and didn’t let him or anybody else treat me less than what I deserved. But, I never forget how I got to this point and I share my experiences with other people so they can see that you can find love after having disatrous relationships. Even if I hadn’t met him, I was still happy with my life. I love the idea of empowering women because we all have to help each other grow. I am analyzer to my detriment. There are some days I still struggle with decisions I made in my past. Both me and hubby talk about our lifes drama. Its very theraputic. Is he perfect, No. But he has always treated me with respect and love. I’ve never had to question his love for me. But Baggage Reclaim is for me!
Steph. So glad to read that. There IS hope. There ARE good men, albeit a scarcity of them. When you are content and self-satisfied you’re more likely to meet him than if you are not in that place. You had your trying experiences with the “unacceptables”, did the work on yourself and got a good one. Yay!
Uncertainty is what drives me to insanity. And the guy I was with never committed to anything….always telling me to just “go with the moment.” Well, I do “go with the moment” often, but I also feed into schedules. I had a counselor tell me once that if me and my guy had an arrangement such as “every Wednesday of every week we will be together,” then I would be fine. She stated it was the disappearing and not knowing when I’d hear from him again that drove me crazy and caused anxiety. And I have to say, she is correct.
Rewind I was in the same situation. My EU wouldn’t commit to anything. Kept stringing me along for 1 1/2 years. He did the disappearing act a lot. Oh sure I’d get texts every day most of the time but he was nowhere to be found. Then he’d resurface. Recently I met him for a vacation and he was very distant and inattentive. So it seems he was probably with a prostitute before I got there. I found this out after I got home. There were a number of google searches on his laptop which he had given me to fix. Apparently he’s a sex addict. I was so sick over it I couldn’t research the history any further, but judging from the category of frequent searches, it’s something he’s been doing for awhile. I returned home last saturday and I haven’t heard a word from him since. I don’t know if he even knows I found out his dirty little secret.
My ex was a mean, disrespectful son-of-a-bitch.
Ha. I think we can all say that to some degree.
Boo – your post started out like this “when it (the relationship) was on made me the happiest girl ever. “
That’s because your insides were screaming “I’m being validated! I’m being validated! Here’s a man who wants to be with me! I am worthy!”. But don’t you see, that has nothing to do with self-validation…..?….you are looking at someone else to validate you and that is not where we should be getting our validation.
But as I read on I see that you did realize that YOU must be your own champion. And I do believe that champions recognize champions, meaning people who are running their own ships are naturally drawn to others who live that same way. And I am not talking about economic equality here, but more about how you want to be treated and how you treat other people, of whether you view life with the half-empty or half-full mindset.
Serene and ChiTownGirl, watch out for doing the “I’m being validated by him” dance. Serene, you actually ended up apologizing to HIM for your trying to delve into something that your instincts say might be, at the very least, an amber flag. OR it could just be a personal episode in his life that he doesn’t want to share, and he does not have to. But you don’t want to be one of those women who is shocked to find that the man they are with is some sort of criminal – an extreme example – but it does happen an awful lot. Makes me wonder what they weren’t talking about.
For me, I’ve concluded that I have never wanted to be in a committed relationship, because there is a low chance of success. I don’t believe a man I find desirable would want to be with ONLY me for the long haul, because men always want “new meat”, and the pain of knowing he’d rather be with someone else, or is bored with me, is something I want to avoid. Have you heard that saying “You show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who is tired of f***ing her”. And even ugly men cheat. I don’t want to share a residence with another persons’ bad moods. I have bad moods too, and I can be hard to deal with when I am in a bad mood. I like the mental freeness I feel when there is no one else around. I like living in a judgement free zone, which living alone provides. I don’t want to live around indifference either, that is REALLY painful. So if you want commitment you have to be able to deal with the problems, and I am not up to the task. People who are up to the task have learned to take the bitter with the sweet, I imagine. They feel that the benefits of commitment – children, empire building, companionship – outweigh the problems.
Elgie you said “because men always want “new meat”, and the pain of knowing he’d rather be with someone else, or is bored with me, is something I want to avoid”
I hear what you are saying, but what you are talking about is the physical aspect of a relationship and the worse case scenerio! Of course men find woman attractive, but a “boy” will go out and screw someone after making a commitment to someone else. Committed relationships get monotous and routine, but if the person is true to their commitment they will talk to you before they go to extreme measures of betrayal. Do I get moody, yes! Are there times I feel like running away yes.LOL But I realize that the loss outweighs the temporary feelings I have at the moment. I deal with it and talk it out with somebody. I’m sorry you feel so pessimistic about relationships because you seem like a assume person to be around!
Elgie, I know where you’re coming from. I like the freedom I currently have too. I never dreaded being single actually. There are small episodes where I wish I had a partner but right now I am enjoying not being in a relationship and later I can just as equally enjoy being IN it. I don’t think it’s set in stone. I know that my desires in other fields have changed drastically through the years. I value support and honesty. And being single (and going to an occasional date) right not provides those for me. But, when I meet a candidate who will be able able to provide those in a relationship, I’ll consider this too.
I was in committed relationships almost all my life with the exception of the past 5 years and I have to say that being in a relationship does NOT mean you don’t get bored with your partner and our life with that person or that you don’t get attracted to other people or even think of other people while having sex with your partner. It’s a fairy tale. Committed relationships and monogamy especially is a incredibly hard. We all want to have sex with other people either we are in a relationship or single. The difference is that although we have all those desires we CHOOSE not to act upon them and stay committed to our partner. I believe that we stay in monogamous relationships because we CHOOSE to do so, not because we stop wanting to play with other attractive humans the moment we have a ring on our finger. So I think that you’re right that men (and women too) don’t WANT to be with just you/me but they CHOOSE to. This is unrealistic to expect our partners not to desire anyone else but it is okay to expect them to remain loyal to us. This is where the difference between the fairy tale and Hollywood stories from real life is. At least for me (I don’t mean to preach).
I agree with you that commitment is probably one of the hardest things in life and most of us here have been passively avoiding it by getting tangled up with EUMs. Personally, I am working on opening to commitment but I don’t know if or when I will be fully there. Maybe never. But I also know that if two people truly want to be together AND know themselves well (aka not avoiding the truth about our patterns and fears) then you can define what commitment means to YOU and YOUR PARTNER in this particular relationship. It can be totally different from what our parents expect from us or what the society expects in general. I know couples who are in those more ‘traditional’ committed relationship and couples who redefined what commitment means to them (and really talked this through) and both groups seem genuinely happy. This makes me hopeful too.
Elgie. It was not an amber flag. I apologized for getting angry when there was no cause for it. A long distance call came in which he needed to take at that moment. The question was something of utterly no consequence to our relationship. Even if he was being evasive it was not my business anyway. We were discussing teeth. He’d just broken one in the front, and we were talking about his need for getting dental insurance. I piped up and asked how many of his teeth were real and how many he removes at night. Now, do I really need to know that? No. That’s just being nosy and overstepping someone’s boundaries. But I am very nosy, anyway. And fear being lied to. I was married to my husband several years before I learned he had any false teeth at all. So you see we are the sum total of our experiences, and we humans can develop some far out idiosyncrasies and hang-ups which impact our thinking, words and actions. It all goes back to seeing each person as an individual without equating our experience with that person on what others have done to us in the past.
Thanks Elgin for your comments about my post – I totally agree.
I felt sad about what you wrote though, about not wanting to be in a committed relationship.
I understand and can relate to all you say but firmly believe that participating in relationships leads to a greater understanding of ourselves whether they work or not.
If it wasn’t for the awful relationships that brought us here most of us would not be doing this tough work now to develop as greater beings.
I also hear a lot of uncertainty in many other posts. Even those in relationships and that also makes me sad:( I’m inclined to believe that if we are still feeling uncertain…then maybe we have not found the one that we can have a fulfilling commitment with yet.
No relationship is without its ups and downs but when we have evolved enough to trust ourselves I think the uncertainty would be more of a positive feeling. More like “ooh, where could this go 🙂 ”
I reckon the negative uncertainty we feel in these situations has more to do with the uncertainty we feel about ourselves rather than anyone else.
Boo. “I reckon the negative uncertainty we feel in these situations has more to do with the uncertainty we feel about ourselves rather than anyone else.” Agree X 1000! Are you comfortable in your own skin? Many people are not.
Well, no, I am not just referring to the new meat syndrome in terms of physical pleasure, although that is what the end result usually is. Men are attracted to new and different – simply because it’s there. The one thing we can’t be to our own man is NEW.
What happy commitment would require for me, I guess, is a man who is more enticed and enchanted and eager to be around the familiar. Who actually feels a depth of involvement with every passing year – not a growing apart. Like people who can see the beauty of antiques, who have a real love for the item, not just for how much it can fetch them. Many folks stick to marriages because it is a “cheaper to keep her” deal – I don’t want that kind of commitment.
When I look at the various beaus along my life, there is not a lot of drama. I have always been agreeable: bored and agreeable. Bored by the relationship, I mean. They were mostly someone to go to the movies with and have sex with. ACMM was the only man I had met that made me think of marriage – and I did not want to marry him, but I could see why someone would choose him for marriage. He is not an empty charmer, he is in it for the long haul because he said he always knew he wanted children and a stable home. I won’t list his good qualities, but he has quite a few. And he is tall, dark, and handsome. I was actually stunned that I actually met someone who made me think about marriage. But ACMM would be emotionally unsatisfying for me. But all women aren’t the same, and for someone who perhaps does not need the same type of emotional nourishment from their spouse, ACMM would work just fine.
One thing all folks must realize is that we don’t all want the same things from a relationship. We really have to make sure that we match with the person we choose. I think it’s a mistake to try to make things work by giving up something that is essential to our well-being. Like, if a man said to me “You’re too needy”….he is not the one for me. That has never happened, but I see that written here a lot, and I would say he is not the man for you.
I learned this as a pretty song as a child.
The Lord is my true shepard,
No want or fear I know.
Through pastures green he leads me, where living waters flow!
Though I shall (sometimes) walk in darkness, No danger will I fear.
His rod and staff will guide me, through ever lasting year.
Yep, that’s me. No fear of uncertainty. 🙂
This is very relevant right now! Thank you!
I have been thinking about being single, and how I want it to be, and I realized I rarely go very long being single without turning to online dating. I have started realizing that gravitating towards controlling people is about my childhood, but also about how I do want to be in control and I don’t like uncertainty at all. Going online for dating is oftentimes about controlling the outcome. The guys I’ve dated on their have extremely rigid comfort zones and need to be in control. I’ve discovered this is my comfort zone, and going online and choosing these types of men gives me a sense of control.
So I am consciously staying offline and no longer doing anything to make a relationship happen. It is weird. I have to have faith that someone is going to meet me and want to get to know me and I don’t have to do anything to make that happen. It’s not my responsibility. It’s freeing, and weird, and scary. It involves a lot of trust, but it is also a weight off. I am not responsible for making everything happen in my life. I can let go.
Anyway, I thought I’d throw that out there for anybody who goes online to date. For our personality types, it is very hazardous because we have to make an extra effort to stay detached and let the men do the work. If that isn’t something you know you can do, I’d stay away.